#he cheng and mo guan shan have a moment

[randomprose]

now posted on AO3!

Mo Guan Shan is sitting on the kitchen island eating a sandwich when He Cheng walks in. 

He looks up from scrolling through his phone, looking a little startled. 

“Mo Guan Shan,” He Cheng acknowledges with a nod before heading to the fridge. 

“Uh. Hey, boss."

“Where’s He Tian?"

“Still sleepin’,” he shrugs. “Got bored an’ hungry waitin’ for him to wake up.”

He Cheng just hums. His brother has always been one to sleep in late even as a child. 

“Have you eaten?” Mo Guan Shan asks, a hand scratching the back of his neck. He looks awkward standing in He Cheng’s kitchen — rarely used, all stainless steel, and state of the art — yet strangely comfortable behind the counter near the stoves. At least before He Cheng came in. This is the most relaxed He Cheng has ever seen him in his house over the years.

He mulls the question over, probably blurted out on impulse. He’s really only here to get a bottle of water. 

“I've had coffee”, was what he said after awhile. He can’t quite remember what time that was. Some time between the early hours of a new day and before the crack of dawn.  

Mo Guan Shan frowns, brows knitted together. The kid is very expressive, He Cheng observes. Easy to draw reaction from. He can see why He Tian loses his shit pushing this kid’s buttons.

“That’s not exactly food.”

“I don’t eat breakfast.” Never had the stomach for it. Just never made sense for him to eat so early in the morning.

“Er. It’s past noon, boss,” Mo Guan Shan somehow feels the need to remind him. He Cheng just stares at him. “Technically it’s lunchtime bordering on…mid-afternoon snack?”

It dawns on He Cheng that, given his answer, this kid wants him to eat something. Mo Guan Shan either has certain manners drilled into him — He Cheng caught him eating when he entered the kitchen so he felt the need to offer him something as well — or he has an inane need to take care of people. Just like He Tian. 

He Cheng supposes that’s a good thing, if a bit of a soft touch — something that has no room in the world he and He Tian live in but is nonetheless welcomed and desired by He Cheng for his brother. He Tian could’ve done so much worse. At least He Cheng knows his brother is eating and taken care of. He swears that kid never knows how to look after himself. 

“If you insist,” He Cheng allows and sits on a stool at the kitchen counter. 

Mo Guan Shan visibly relaxes. Like he’s relieved He Cheng agreed he could cook for him. If he hadn’t ran a thorough background on him he’d think he’s going to try and poison him. Except the kid is terrible at hiding his expressions and controlling his body language and He Cheng has known him since he was in middle school.

“Alright. So, uh, what are you hungry for?”

He Cheng isn’t really hungry for anything, but he does acknowledge that he hasn’t eaten since yesterday and this will only be his first meal of the day. Still, he doesn’t think he can stomach a full meal right now. 

“Just eggs will do.”

“Okay,” Mo Guan Shan nods. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Scrambled,” is all he says. No mention of how he likes it cooked, no preference for seasoning, no specifications of any kind. He Cheng doesn’t really care as long as it's edible and won’t upset his stomach. 

Mo Guan Shan gets to work in silence. He Cheng watches him move and is not at all surprised that he knows his way around, knows where everything is. Qiu mentioned the kid is good in the kitchen, more than a decent cook, and is not above admitting that he enjoys his food despite the disaster that occured the one and only time the kids came over his place and had Mo Guan Shan made them dinner. He Cheng knows this, too. He knows that the kid is apprenticing in a family restaurant and is saving up to go to culinary school. He’s had to drop by He Tian’s place occasionally and was pleasantly surprised that his brother isn’t just subsisting on take-outs if at all.  

But it’s just eggs and He Cheng isn’t really expecting anything. Eggs are just eggs after all.

After just about twenty minutes, Mo Guan Shan puts down a plate of the fluffiest looking scrambled eggs He Cheng has ever been served garnished with spring onions and what seem to be crushed potato chips. He serves it with a glass of orange juice on the side and the whole ensemble looks like it’s been lifted out of a lifestyle cooking magazine. 

He Cheng takes a forkful and lets out a low pleased sound at the back of his throat.

"Good?" Mo Guan Shan asks, a corner of his lips quirked up in quiet satisfaction the way a cook is when they know someone enjoys their food.

"It is." He Cheng maintains that eggs are still just eggs but this really is good. Qiu’s not exaggerating then. 

The eggs are light and cooked just right, lightly seasoned with the melted cheese adding another layer of flavor, and the potato chips give it a good crunch. He’s never even thought of potato chips as anything other than junk food.

"Yeah. Figured you and Tian like your scrambled eggs the same." Mo Guan Shan comments as he sits back down to finish his sandwich. "First time I made it he looked so pissed even though he couldn't stop shovelling eggs in his mouth. Thought he might've hated it and was just eating it to, I don’t know, not hurt my feelings or some shit, but then I heard him curse you under his breath and ask for seconds."

A thought that comes to He Cheng: He Tian eats breakfast and likes his eggs scrambled just like him.

“He hates it, but he's really alike you in a lot of ways, you know.”

Well, of course he is, He Cheng agrees. He practically raised that kid. He Tian’s bound to pick up some of He Cheng’s mannerisms and preferences for certain things whether he likes it or not.

“Coffee? Brewed a new batch.”

“Please.”

“Cream and sugar?”

“Just black, thanks.”

“You sure?" Mo Guan Shan asks like he doesn't believe him. 

“I like it as it is.” 

“Huh,” Mo Guan Shan sounds out before shrugging and pouring out two mugs.

This prompts He Cheng to ask, "Does Tian-di not take his coffee black then?"

It occurs to him that he doesn’t know his brother at all. Maybe there was a time that he did, when He Tian was small and only had him, but He Cheng doesn’t claim that he knows his brother beyond his childhood days. While He Tian seems to come to him more and more these days, their relationship is still rather estranged and not at all conventional, however that may be. 

All He Cheng knows of He Tian is that his brother is of the good sort and that’s enough for him. 

He Tian cares for his friends and cares for Mo Guan Shan in ways He Cheng will probably never understand. He’s better than He Cheng in a lot of ways that matter, more human perhaps, which suits him just fine. He never wanted He Tian to be someone their family has morphed and twisted to suit their needs and use as see fit. He never wanted He Tian to be like him. 

And so He Cheng finds himself indulging in wanting to know the little things that make up his brother. Like how he likes his eggs and how he drinks his coffee.

“He does but I know he hates it. Everytime he drinks it he makes a face like it's poison.” Mo Guan Shan shrugs as he sits down across from him. He hands He Cheng one of the mugs and nurses one himself. “I don't know why he insists on drinking it this way.” 

He Cheng just hums, breathing in the aroma of the coffee, not unaware of the way Mo Guan Shan is pointedly looking at him.

“Tian-di probably just can’t be bothered to have it otherwise.”

“Nah. He probably just thinks it makes him all mature and tough. As if cream and sugar makes you weak or some shit.”

Just before they both move to take a sip from their mugs, He Cheng mutters “Idiot” under his breath at the same time Mo Guan Shan scoffs it. They stop and couldn’t help to smirk at their consensus.

It’s good to know someone else can see through his brother’s bullshit.

He Cheng notes that Mo Guan Shan takes his coffee black. Mo Guan Shan just shrugs when he points this out. 

“I like the bitter taste. It’s what keeps you awake,” he says before taking another sip. “And you taste the flavor of the beans better without the cover up of milk or sweetener.”

A fair assessment. He Cheng will drink to that.

For a while, they sat in silence as they finish their meals. Then Mo Guan Shan’s phone lights up. He drains the last of his coffee as he swipes at the screen. It seems a message has popped up because he picks it up and types something back. He Cheng surmises it’s probably He Tian, just woken up, asking where Mo Guan Shan is. 

"Refill?" Mo Guan Shan offers, walking back to where the coffee pot is.

"No, thank you.”

Mo Guan Shan refills his cup and adds three spoons of cream and two sugar cubes. He Tian enters the kitchen with a jaw cracking yawn just as Mo Guan Shan is back on his seat and finished stirring. His brother takes the seat beside the redhead across from him and He Cheing watches the latter push the mug at He Tian’s direction. The cup is only three-quarts full. 

“I’m done. Finish this.”

“You always do this. Why bother pouring a full cup if you’re not gonna drink even half of it?” He Tian quips but takes the mug anyway. 

He Cheng notes his brother doesn’t make a face after the first sip. He Tian even licks at his upper lip and a corner of his mouth is quirked up. 

“What’s for breakfast?”

“It’s way past noon.”

“It’s my first meal of the day. What’s for breakfast?”

“Scrambled eggs,” He Cheng answers before Mo Guan Shan could and delights at the face his brother makes when he sees what’s on his plate and realizes who made it.

‘What the…’ He Tian mouths as he narrows his eyes at what remains of He Cheng’s meal.

“You know what, I actually don’t want scrambled eggs. I want—”

“Tough shit. I’m already making them and you’re gonna eat it when it’s done.”

He Tian makes a low whining displeased sound but nonetheless doesn’t protest. “Throw in some bacon.”

“Alright.”

He Tian doesn’t offer to help beyond getting the pack of bacon from the fridge, handing it to Mo Guan Shan before returning to his seat. Like it’s routine. Like there’s an unspoken agreement that Mo Guan Shan cooks and He Tian stays out of his way. And He Cheng gathers he’s probably been shooed away and out of the kitchen when the other is at work. He Cheng can’t imagine his brother even knows how to operate a stove — just another thing they have in common by virtue of being born to money. 

He Tian's attention is solely on Mo Guan Shan. His back is to He Cheng, leaning against the counter as he talks to the redhead. He asks if he slept well, what he wants to do today, if there’s somewhere he wants to go to, if he wants anything particular for dinner later. Mo Guan Shan makes a comment that makes He Tian laugh but goes over He Cheng's head and he figures it must be an inside joke between them. 

There’s a kind of ease to it, the flow of their banter, the way they move around each other. He Tian certainly seems comfortable and at ease, the line of his back relaxed and lacking the usual tenseness of someone always ready to go on either the offense or defense. 

Mo Guan Shan mirrors the same ease as he puts down a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast for He Tian, who turns his head to plant a kiss on his cheek in thanks. 

The whole thing makes He Cheng feel like a fucking interloper in his own goddamn kitchen. 

He Cheng looks at his brother with his own plate of scrambled eggs and Mo Guan Shan's mug of coffee, the one with cream and sugar he said he couldn't finish so He Tian would take it, and thinks it's the best life he could have ever hoped for him. 

“Wash the dishes when you're done,” Mo Guan Shan says as he scrolls through his phone.

He Tian looks at the sink and makes a face at the pan and other things Mo Guan Shan used to cook.

“Man, do I have to? This isn’t even my house. And there are maids for a reason.”

“Tch. Spoiled brat.” Mo Guan Shan lightly pinches a chewing He Tian’s cheek, bulging with food. “Exactly. This isn’t your house. You use them, you clean them.”

“Cheng ate, too,” he nods to where He Cheng is finishing up the last of his meal. “Why don’t you make him do his dishes?” he says with a smirk, thinking he’s on to something.

“He’s letting the four of us stay for the summer.” Mo Guan Shan takes He Cheng’s plate and the empty glass of juice when he sees he’s done and soaks them in the sink. “Here. In this house that he owns. In an island that is his. For free.” He sends He Tian a look that says, ‘need I say more?’.

“What are you talking about? I’m paying for our stay here you know.”

“Oh, really? With what? Sure as hell haven’t seen you so much as touch your wallet since we got on the boat.”

“My sanity.”

Mo Guan Shan’s hand flexes and for a moment, He Cheng thinks his brother is gonna be hit over the head with the frying pan. 

“Just,” the word is sighed through gritted teeth, “do the damn dishes. It’s not that hard.”

“Why don’t you do them then?”

“I already cooked, asshole. I ain't washin’ the dishes. 'sides, you're the last to finish eatin’ so you get to clean up. Them’s the rules.”

“Fine, but I'm only gonna wash mine,” He Tian declares, viciously biting on a chunk of toast.

“It's one plate and a mug, Tian,” Mo Guan Shan sighs sounding like he’s had this exact conversation a thousand times. “Don't be a little bitch and wash them all. Don't waste soap.”

“Baby, look around. We can afford the waste.”

Mo Guan Shan levels him a look which He Tian stares right back as he continues to chew. It goes on for maybe a minute or two. A standoff with just their eyes, willing the other to back down first. 

He Cheng doesn’t quite know what’s going on between the stare down and the silence, but He Tian is the first to look away with a groan. The one to concede first, apparently.

“Uuughhh! Fine! Fuck it! Fine! I'll do the damn dishes.”

“Yeah, as you should,” Mo Guan Shan quips looking satisfied with his victory. He Cheng marvels at how easy it is for him when getting He Tian to do anything, even if it's for his own good, has always been like pulling teeth. “I’m gonna go call my mom. There's more coffee in the pot. Creamer ran out, but there's milk in the fridge.”

“You know I only take my coffee black.”

Mo Guan Shan watches with a flat expression as He Tian sips ‘his’ coffee with cream and sugar. He catches He Cheng's eyes and shoots him a look that says, ‘are you seeing this shit?’ which He Tian doesn’t catch.

“Uh-huh, sure.” He doesn’t bother contesting. “There’s more toast in the bread box.”

“Buttered?”

“Butter it yourself, idiot,” Mo Guan Shan shoots back making a face at him. 

“Can’t even do that simple thing for me, babe? Really starting to doubt this relationship right now.”

“Good. You shouldn’t get too complacent anyway, dick head.” He hops out of his seat and swats at He Tian’s grabby hands. “Do the damn dishes or I swear to god you won’t have anything to doubt anymore.” 

He Cheng watches the exchange and feels like he’s in a sitcom. He thinks about how his initial plan to get a bottle of water has led to him being caught between his brother and his boyfriend play fighting, flirting, and the domesticity of it all. He thinks about asking Mo Guan Shan how he does that whole thing where he just stares at He Tian and makes him yield but figures it would only work if you're Mo Guan Shan. 

He remembers a time when He Tian lowered his pride. Impulsive, insolent, and desperate, he came crawling back to He Cheng and was even willing to go as far as becoming something he hates. All for the sake of some boy, some school friend, some little pet project that he picked up because he was bored that morphed into something else, something more.

Mo Guan Shan made He Tian care for another. He made He Tian care so much he was willing to make himself into a monster for Mo Guan Shan, but stopped him just in time from going the deep end and even made him more human. Hell, Mo Guan Shan made He Tian care about himself. And for all that, He Cheng is grateful.

"Thanks," he says as much and means more than just the best scrambled eggs he's had in a while, but Mo Guan Shan would never know it. "You really didn't have to." 

"Huh. Oh, uh, sure.” It catches Mo Guan Shan off-guard, halting him from leaving the kitchen. He looks a little sheepish as he says, “It's nothing, really. It's just…it’s just eggs."

He Cheng just hums and nods at him once in dismissal. 

“Why are you so mean to me?” He Tian shouts after Mo Guan Shan, who’s already rounded the corner and only shouts back, “Dishes!”

He Tian scowls but there’s no real heat in it. He even asks He Cheng if he wants the rest of the coffee, which he declines, when he stood up to get more toast before tucking back into his eggs.

He Cheng sees that He Tian is happy, thinks Mo Guan Shan brings out all the best in him, and hopes to all the gods he doesn't believe in that his brother don't ever fuck this one up. 

He doesn’t realize he’s staring until He Tian asks, “What?” around a mouthful of toast. 

“Nothing,” He Cheng says as he finishes his coffee, and as he stands up he says, “Make sure you bring him along everytime you plan to come over. Otherwise, don’t come at all.” And just to spite him, he slides his empty mug closer to He Tian. “And make sure you do the damn dishes.”

He gets the desired effect. The glare his brother sent him is acrid and his next words make He Cheng want to laugh.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do.”

“I didn’t. Mo Guan Shan did.”

“Whatever. Shut the fuck up.”

He Cheng just smirks and doesn’t hit him for his impertinence if only because He Tian grumbling, “I was gonna do them anyway” has already made his day.

Later, as He Cheng sits on his desk looking over his schedule, he sees that he has an appointment with their legal team. A thought strikes him and he scribbles a curt note at the margins and tells his secretary to summon the family lawyers too.

He might as well update the family registry.

--

edit: now posted on AO3! glad you guys like this piece. please leave kudos and comments there as well. thank you! :)

[ultraforgottenwords]

before you go

ao3

“Didn’t I ever tell you not to worry?”

Mo gives him a side-eye, shaking his head.

Qui had shown up and pretty much solved their She Li problem from the moment he arrived with the rest of Cheng’s men, though he personally did more physical damage in retrospect. As much as he wanted to give ultimatums, he never really could. But now, now was different.

Tian knew that he was almost of age. If sixteen could be considered anything close to "of age" to witness any of the things he did as a child, it wasn’t, but he didn’t have any leverage to renegotiate at that point. He still didn’t now, which caused a problem.

He still had to leave.

“Mo.”

It was hard to watch the emotions filter over his face, the faint satisfaction from earlier fading by as time ticked away. Happy wouldn’t really describe what had happened today, he knew that, a sick feeling in his stomach.

He had promised his brother his time, just time, nothing more. His father was under the assumption that he’d be in line with his wishes.

Guan Shan averted his gaze, “You…you’re leaving, aren’t you? I saw the note.”

It’s hard not to reach up and tilt Mo’s face toward him. The heavy feeling settling between them was starting to feel like a canyon. He’s vaguely aware that he reaches a hand out and grabs one of Mo’s, his clammy palm dragging along Mo’s skin. His hands were almost hidden by the long sleeves of his own jacket and it was almost enough to send him into a tailspin and refuse to leave with his brother.

“I…Mo.”

He still didn’t have the words that would make any of this better but hoped he could lessen the blow at least.

“Hey, I’ll be back, I promise. I can’t just leave you with those two can I?”

There’s a snort, and Mo finally turns back to meet his eyes, squeezing his hand.

“You better. Even me and Zhan aren’t enough to control Jian Yi’s antics.”

It’s even harder to face the smile he knows Mo is putting on just for him.

“You can keep the jacket…if you want?”

It wasn’t the thing he’d planned to say at all, couldn’t compare to the feelings he wanted to express at the moment—but it had to be enough.

wait for me, please

There’s another squeeze of his hand and he thinks that maybe, just maybe they’ll be okay.

[hysteriche]

Waiting for the Rain: Chapter Two

If there was anything that the past eight years might have taught He Tian, it was that time healed all wounds… despite leaving colossal scars.

He stared out of his penthouse apartment for the last time after the last box had been packed. There wasn’t much to pack anyway. Some sheets, a few clothes. Photos of a past that felt more like a dream than it did a memory. Behind him stood his brother, patiently biding his time for him. He peeked at his watch to check the hour, coughing to signal that it was time to leave.

He Tian nodded. The two walked together silently to the elevator and into the parking lot where two sports cars were packed together.

“Are you ready?” He Cheng asked, unlocking his car with the click of a button. He Tian hummed, staring down at his keys. “I just have to… say goodbye.” He said. His brother nodded solemnly before driving away.

The brunette sighed, heading out on the road, past the city and into the cemetery.

He felt the soft earth sink beneath his shoes. It had rained the night before and the muddy ground felt pulpy. He Tian walked past rows and rows of unknown people, glancing now and then at their names and the years they died. Many of them had gone beyond the age of seventy and lived full lives. The person he was looking for did not.

Eventually, He Tian came across the very grave he’d been visiting for the last eight years. White petals from the bouquet of roses he’d brought the other day lay limp on the ground with candle wax and other ornaments darting the gravestone. Above the name “Mo Guan Shan” sat two photos of him that had been embedded into the stone. One of when he was a child and another that his mother had taken from their living room.

He Tian took out his own photo of Guanshan. It was one he’d taken while the boy had fallen asleep, peacefully nodding off while He Tian snuck a picture.

He smiled at the memory, placing it on the ground before sitting cross legged across the grave. He didn’t care for formalities, nor did he care that his pants were now wet and soaked by the mud. Inside, He Tian wished the earth would swallow him up and bury him six feet under with Mo Guan Shan.

Whisps of wind swept his hair in a somewhat comforting way. Above him, the sky had been washed with gentle pinks and orange as eight years of pain and turmoil melted away inside of him, replaced by a calm ocean blue. He Tian knew that there would be days when that calm would turn into roaring storms. But in that moment, there was nothing else that he could feel except noiseless resignation. A quietness he hadn’t known in so long since his friend’s death.

He wondered to himself if calling Guan Shan his friend was what their relationship deserved. He had loved him, of course, but was simply the love one had for a friend?

His thoughts drifted into a future, a universe, where the red-haired boy had lived longer. Would they have become lovers? Would He Tian have confessed first or would it be the other? The boy smiled at all the possibilities and all the things that could have been. There was no point in lingering on the whys and hows of the universe anymore. Mo Guanshan was dead and he lived on.

The gaping hole inside his heart remained but little by little, he realized that it could be mended.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around to a ghost.

Behind him stood Mo Guan Shan. Smiling. Serene.

He Tian felt his breath catch in his lungs and his voice stop dead in his throat. There were no words to describe all the things that he was feeling in that moment. Shock. Fear. Sorrow. Joy. There weren’t enough things that could say what the boy was feeling.

He stared up at the visage of Mo Guan Shan, smiling down at him with a cheeky yet comforting way. He offered his hand to He Tian who slowly, inched his fingertips to touch against Guan Shan’s palm. It was warm. Warm with blood and beating veins. The redhead snorted, shoulders shaking in laughter. “Come on, get up. I don’t have all day, chicken dick.”

He Tian quickly grasped his hand and threw himself into Mo Guan Shan’s arms. He held on tightly, afraid that the ghost would dissipate into thin air. He expected a cold, corpse-like body but was met with more warmth. Heat, a steady heart, and the ever so sweet laughter of the boy that could have been. He felt himself shaking, whether it was from laughing hysterically or sobbing incoherently, he didn’t exactly know. All he knew was that Guan Shan was there with him, laughing and hugging him back.

“You’re… you’re…”

“I’m here.”

The redhead pulled away—much to He Tian’s displeasure—his amber eyes shining radiantly despite the sunset’s light. He slowly lifted his palm to cup He Tian’s cheek, rubbing away the tears that fell like diamonds down the boy’s face. He Tian couldn’t help but giggle, turning his head so that he was kissing Guan Shan’s hand. From his finger tips to his palm and down to his wrist, never breaking eye contact with the other. He watched as Guan Shan’s ghost went red from embarrassment but not once making any effort to stop him.

After kissing his way through Guan Shan’s entire hand, he slowly inched closer to the redhead, forehead to forehead. He wanted to feel the other’s breath on him, to make sure that this wasn’t simply some phantom. That Guan Shan really was there and had somehow risen from the grave or descended like an angel. But despite his warm body and hands, He Tian’s heart sank as he realized that Guan Shan, unlike himself, was not breathing.

“Please… don’t go.” He whispered, tenderly rubbing his nose against Mo’s. A quiet sob bubbled up inside him and came pouring out as he intertwined their hands together, pressing himself closer and closer—as close as he could get. Guan Shan sighed, rubbing his thumb against the outside of He Tian’s hand. His nose nuzzled closer until they were only a few centimeters away from kissing. “He Tian… I’m sorry.”

“No… no please, don’t say that.”

“You don’t even know what I’m saying sorry for, do you?”

“I don’t care… I don’t care. Just please… don’t leave me.”

Guan Shan let out a small laugh, like a song that He Tian knew by heart but could never sing himself. “I never did and I don’t plan to, you ass. You were so annoying and clingy when I was alive so now it’s my turn to be annoying and clingy.”

He Tian couldn’t help but laugh, leaning forward and placing a chaste kiss on Mo Guan Shan’s lips.

It was slow, mixed with years of longing and regret.  Love and the refusal to let go. But both of them knew that eventually, they would have to. In that moment, all that was and ever would be was He Tian and Mo Guan Shan. Neither heaven nor earth existed, only the two of them as they shared their first and final kiss. In truth, it was agony. Grief was nothing more than love that had nowhere to go and love was grief in waiting.

Slowly, ever so slowly and painfully, He Tian pulled away. His eyes fluttered open to find Guan Shan still there, lips trembling. It was his turn to cry. It was his turn to grieve his own death and the life that he should have had with He Tian.

“I… I never should have…” he stuttered, reaching out for He Tian, who caught him as he fell into his chest. He heard the boy’s beating heart, felt the rise and fall of his breathing. They stayed that way for an eternity that would eventually come to an end as Guan Shan slowly faded in his lover’s arms. “Before you go… please… please don’t forget me.” He Tian whispered, staring down at Guan Shan with all the heartbreak and love in the world. They were both crying now.

“Idiot… you’re so annoying, how could I possibly forget you?”

“Is that a confession, Mo Guan Shan?”

The red-haired boy laughed. “Yes…” he said.

He Tian grinned. Eight years had passed since he’d last smiled at anyone with his snarky, cat like grin. Eight years since the only person who ever received it had died.

“I love you. I love you, Mo Guan Shan.”

[thaimeiser]

I thought of something and I apologize if anyone pointed that out before, I swear I didn't see it and I'm not stealing your observation.

I was talking to a friend of mine about He Tian's and She Li's obssession towards Mo Guan Shan when I suddenly realized that Old Xian is way clever than I thought. And the meaning behind that conclusion is that they could represent an obssession, the feeling of possessiveness with another person, that at the same time that is very similar, the objective behind it is totally different.

In the begining of 19 Days I have to admit that I hated the relationship between HT and MGS because it was full of possessiveness, abuse, violence and threatens. I know MGS was totally wrong in the incident with Zhan Zheng Xi but I saw no reason to He Tian's continuous actions towards him. It was only with time and perseverence that I learned how to start really liking their relationship.

As I was discussing with my friend, HT's past is what made him behave like that. He didn't have a mother nor a father to actually care about him, only He Cheng but he was involved with the mafia, the thing HT hated the most so you can guess what type of teen he grew up to be. A person without almost any sense of love or affection, a person who wasn't familiar with the idea of what caring actually is. So when MGS stepped into his life he did to him the only thing he knew to do. Demonstrate his feelings through domination and possessive behaviour, because that was what life teached him to do/be. Being selfish and doing what he "needed" to get what he wanted.

I'm not gonna waste too much time talking about all the aspects about HT and MGS relationship, but in summary I can say that I'm really proud of our boys. I'm proud of HT for starting to realize that this wasn't the way it was supposed to be, he wasn't going to get MGS trust or love by being a total asshole and forcing the boy to like him. His character development is still on-going, he still gotta a lot to learn, sometimes we can forget but they're still teens. That fact won't erase the very bad things he did in the past, nor do I want it to because it all shows how much our boy has improved through time, but it shows that he can be very mature for boys his age.

Whilst we see the development of HT, we see the decay of She Li to his worst period. She Li's obssession with MGS can be clearlier than HT's because he isn't after MGS love, he is after MGS undoing. He wants to see the boy wrecked, destroid and he makes it very clear.

In my point of view based in what we could see about She Li's childhood, he's also from a complicated family. His parents seemed to argue a lot to the point where their kid was being taken care by some servants, and I suppose he grew up like HT, without enough love or affection. That made him cold and distant, and with a strange fascination for d*ath and hurting people/animals. He's described as a ps*cho. I can't confirm if he really is one, but his obssession and need to dominate and humilliate MGS is an enormous red flag.

In this chapter we can see the difference between him and MGS, how they were treated. I don't think jealousy is the best word to describe what he might have felt, cause I'm not sure if he's actually capable of feeling it, I'd rather say envyness. He's envy because that little boy was feeling and having everything he didn't get the chance to experiment. MGS was feeling pain, a sensation that She Li couldn't, and was being held caringly by his mother, another thing She Li didn't have.

She Li, then, found the opportunity and started to treat MGS like an animal, "his dog", so he could take out his anger and frustration on that lucky boy who had everything. I believe he enjoys seeing MGS miserable because that's the only moment where he can actually feel something. He must feel powerfull and proud of himself for making MGS look so pityfull.

And that is the biggest difference between HT's and She Li's obsession towards MGS.

While HT seeks for MGS attention, love and affection, She Li searches for his ruin so he himself can feel something.

HT feels a desire.

She Li feels envyness.

Even though they both have a similar past and a possessive obsession with the same boy, they followed extremely different paths, in which one can find hope and the other decay.

And I admire Old Xian for creating such similar, but at the same time, opposite characters.

Yet again I apologize if someone pointed that out before and I apologize for any errors, english is not my mother language.

[19dayz]

Jian Yi: Do you wanna play football?

He Tian: Um, Cheng and I aren’t supposed to play football.

Mo Guan Shan: Says who? Your mom?

He Cheng and Tian: Yeah.

He Cheng: Well, every, every Holiday weekend um, we used to have a touch football game called the ‘He Bowl.’

Zhan Zheng Xi: No, no, no, you say that proudly.

He Tian: Anyway, Cheng and I were always captains, and um, it got kind’ve competitive and one year, He Bowl VI, I accidentally broke Cheng’s nose.

He Cheng: It was soo not an accident. He saw I was about to tag him, so he threw his big fat grandpa arm elbow right into my face. And just keep running.

He Tian: To score the winning touchdown, by the way.

He Cheng: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn’t count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.

He Tian: *To everyone* I won the game.

He Cheng: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn’t get the He Cup?

Mo Guan Shan: Um, there was a He Cup?

He Cheng: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, ‘nobody won that game, ‘ and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and.... *pauses, causes he’s on the verge of tears* threw it in the lake

Zhan Zheng Xi: And was the curse lifted?

He Cheng: Anyway. That’s when our Mom said we were not to play football ever again.

He Tian: Y'know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it’s been twelve years.

He Cheng: Can I see you for a second?

*They walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment*

He Tian: *Murmuring* ONCE!!

He Cheng: All right, we’re gonna play.

[atomicnebula13]

i think they've both got [mo and tian] anger issues. but mo's feel like an explosive firework while tian's is a metaphorical backhanded slap; damaging to both parties. what say you? also lowkey hoping you and granny collab another monster post on this

Well hello little anon angel! 💕

Sorry for the delay on this one. I believe @granny-fujoshi is taking a hiatus from asks at the moment but I would obviously love her input should she choose to jump in on this :)

I agree, they both have anger issues but then again, they are both teenage boys and I don't think I've really met a teenager that didn't have some sort of ill temperament at one point or another. Everything in your life is in a state of flux at that age – your hormones, your interpersonal relationships, you're desparately trying to discover who you are. (I know I was an absolute delight - sorry dad).

I think Mo can definitely be thought of as explosive but I've always seen him more as a simmering pot, just on the cusp of boiling. Mo has anger issues but they seem to be generalized, he's angry at the world and at his position in life so his anger is ever present, always simmering just beneath the surface and He Tian just happens to have a tendency to add enough fuel to the flame to get Guan Shan to boil over (She Li also has this ability). Mo is already primed to be angry.

When I think back to Mo's first official appearance in the manhua we see him acting in such a manner. All Jian Yi does is innocently bump into him and he's ready to start an altercation over it.

It seems he's grown out of it a bit at the most recent stage in the story but he still has that malcontent, I'm not sure he'll ever fully grow out of it.

He Tian is the one that strikes me as the more explosive of the two, not because of how he expresses his anger, but because he has the shorter fuse. Fireworks are innocuous until someone introduces a spark. He Tian goes from zero to one hundred pretty quickly. He has the more (seemingly) easy going disposition but when he gets angry, he gets impulsive and he has a tendency to really push boundaries and throw his metaphorical weight (and emotions!) around.

I agree, He Tian's anger definitely has a strong recoil that usually results in both parties getting hurt. I think that's because he tends to act without thinking of the consequences sometimes. He gets more leniency from the general public (I'm not including He Cheng in this) when he behaves badly. I've wondered what would have happened to Mo if He Tian hadn't been involved in that incident where the school window was broken. They only got punished with cleaning the gym but if only Guan Shan were involved I don't think he would have been so lucky. I know that incident wasn't a result of He Tian's anger but I'm using it as an example of the school going easy on him because he's a good student, charming, etc.

Mo, on the other hand, always has to think of the consequences because he has no such luxury. People tend to expect the worst of him and treat him as such which only adds to his general irritability. That's why he gets so pissed at He Tian for smashing the guys car. He Tian acted impulsively and made an already screwed up situation exponentially worse.

Though it does appear that they are both working to be better at controlling their emotions. So, I agree they have anger issues but neither one of them seems to be beyond help or reason. With time and effort I'm sure they can overcome their issues.

[writesfic]

His phone rings.

He Tian reaches into his pocket for his phone, anxious. He hopes that its Mo Guan Shan - maybe he’s changed his mind. Instead, its the message he’s been dreading.

Ge: It’s about time

Ge: Your things are packed

Ge: What time are your school activities over, I’ll tell the driver to come pick you

He knows it’s not the same, but it feels like a punishment. It feels like when he had begged He Cheng to take and protect the little russet dog, and instead, his brother had let him believe he’d shot it and buried it on their mountain property. This time around, it’s much worse. Mo had taken his insecurities, the one’s he’d divulged at his weakest, raw and messy, and thrown it back in his face. 

His knuckles whiten as he clenches a fist around his phone. Two paces ahead of him, Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi are still bickering. No time has passed, but the sight before him already feels like it’s taken place years ago, faded and sepia like a memory.

He watches blankly, waits for the microwave to ping and for Jian Yi to carry his noodles outside the convenience store. He Tian sits. Numb.

“If only we were this happy all the time,” Jian Yi says, “right, He Tian?”

The happiness - it’s too late. Like desperately trying to hold onto a wave between cupped palms, it spills and leeches into the sand before he’s able to retain any of it. It leaves him more hollow than before.

He isn’t able to speak. There’s nothing he can say to make the situation go away, but it’s at least better to spend the moment as if nothing’s wrong, just sitting with two of his friends before having to face the reality - he’ll text them both afterwards, when he’s on the car.

The block of his phone is pressed up against his thigh. It’s still.

Zhan Zheng Xi seems to sense the mood he’s in, and says to Jian Yi, “it’s late, we should head back first.”

Jian Yi acquieces without any arguing, “alright. We’ll see you, He Tian.”

He Tian waves before closing his eyes and leaning back again. He doesn’t want to lose the image. He’s struck by the irrational fear of opening his eyes and seeing an empty street.

His phone pings and he scrambles for it.

Driver: Just arrived around the corner

Driver: Sir advises that you should leave before 9, due of the traffic

He ignores it, tabs over to Mo Guan Shan’s text record. He looks at the time on his phone: 8:48 PM.

He has 12 minutes.

[aquanology]

SHE LI ANALYSIS CAUSE I CAN!!! (THANKS FOR 50+ FOLLOWERS AND NO THERE'S NOTHING MISSING IN HERE ITS 50+)

Yo so I've reached 50 followers a long while ago and I wanted to do something big but I hesitated and didn't know what to do...I thought a lot about it and it's here. The long awaited She li analysis, I was waiting for the new chapter so I can make this. Anyways I hope you enjoy it (or maybe not?)

So from far away people wo see She li as a Bully Mo and when they learn that his family posses good amounts of money, everyone would see him as a rich brat and I wouldn't blame them, Though that's not all there's to it. it's much deeper and yes I have 5000 IQ how did you know?

Now his childhood wasn't that great looking at how he was surrounded by maids and not his parents most of the time, mostly because they were busy working and when they weren't busy doing work they would be busy arguing about things that little She li didn't know much about.

It was pretty lonely even if people would surround him be it the maids, the other adults or even other kids he wasn't getting the attention of his parents. He might've thought that he wasn't important enough for his parents to spare a moment or two to spend time with him or atleast for his parents to look at his way. He hated their noisy fights and so, like any kid who didn't want to listen to his parent's loud arguments!that might've seemed like a broken record for him at the time, he would go outside to distracte himself. I don't know how many times he had to do this to ignore the pain that his parent's loud fighting has been causing to him, and I don't know how long he spent his time doing that (probably as long as the fighting continued) but I'm pretty sure that what we saw from She Li's flashback wasn't his first time doing so. And I'm sure he was trying to inflict physical pain so he can forgot the mental pain. At that point little She Li might've felt a bit...empty because no one really seemed to genuinely care for him or spend time with him and he didn't seem to have a special relationship with anyone either, he might've felt like he wasn't a human because of all of that.... he might've been sad and angry that he can't experience love and affection perhaps he thought that it's his fault for feeling down all the time, when in reality it was his parents fault for not using the spare time they have for providing She Li with affection and quality time instead of arguing most of the time. I'm sure he felt less of person because he didn't get what he really needed as a kid. But little did She Li know that he will feel less of human the next time his parents argue loudly.

That had started with the routine of his parents fighting and She Li looking for something to distract himself with, he ended up digging for worms and I suspect that he did that for a long while that day in which might've explain the bleeding. Later on he got diagnosed with Guillain-Barre' (Ghee-Yan Bah-Yan) syndrome this syndrome is a autoimmune type, in which a persons own immune system damages the nerves causing muscle weakness or paralysis, it can cause symptoms that last from few weeks to several years however most people recover fully while some have permanent nerve damage.

His thoughts were seemingly messy I wouldn't blame him if he still thought that his parents didn't care about him, I mean it was kind of their fault for not asking about what he does when playing outside or with whom, or for the least bit leaving a maid or two to check on him from time to time. But it was that day when he met a certain person in that hospital.

It was Mo Guan Shan that he saw at the hospital. A kid who was capable of feeling pain both physical and mental, not only that but he has a caring mother who seemed to care about her kid. At that moment She Li must've felt envious, a kid whom he didn't know had everything that She li didn't, he had the ability to feel pain and suffer and on top of that he had someone who cared about him who loved him and gave him attention when he needed it the most.

Perhaps She Li thinks that if Mo Guan Shan would become a happier and a healthier person then he would be superior to She Li, because then he would have something that is far away from She Li's reach and capability.

That's why he keeps on hurting Mo over and over again whenever Mo is feeling better or even worse. Maybe She li feels superior or on the same level as Mo when he stops him from feeling truly happy and at peace with his loved ones. As if only then the gap will become bigger than it was before. Because She Li thinks that he won't be able to be the same as Mo is, I mean he might get his syndrome treated and he might be able to feel the pain (both physical and mental) but She Li isn't sure of he can actually be truly loved or if he will be capable of loving and making someone as happy. And that is why he says things like this:

Of course it's not only to make Mo feel bad (cuz like no would want to be told that they are the same as She Li is) but to also make himself feel like they are the same (be it on the same level or the same type of people) when they are not.

I do think that She Li admires Mo for how human he is and he doesn't want him to be anymore of a human he wants Mo to be the same as him, someone who can't have anyone care about him, someone who might numb out and stop being a human for their own desires and someone who can be as hurt and heartless as She Li is regarding that he is hurt inside. I also think that She Li and He tian are similar I mean both of them were not met with love and affection from their family except He Cheng tried to rub the illusion of their fathers love on He tian, though it didn't work quite well. A relationship where you have to sacrifice everything to receive approval isn't and wouldn't be ideal from He tain's perspective, as well as She Li never talk about how he felt (he most likely didn't) the pain that he got from his parents inability to raise him properly like other parents do (by loving him and spending some time with him). However I'm not blaming everything on his parents they had their reasons yet that doesn't mean that it's justified to argue outloud most of the time and pay less attention for your kid than you with your job and arguments. Also I want to make that this post isn't here to justify She Li's bad actions against other people but to just look at him as something other than a snake, to look at him as a human and to hold accountable are both as important as the other is, and I don't want She Li to just have his actions bite him back but to also learn how bad his actions are. I want him to know very well that he hurt others and I want him to feel guilty and I want him to change, remember staying ignorant can not only hurt him but everyone else but learning where he made mistakes and holding himself accountable can help everyone not only the people hurt by him, us too will highly benefit.

⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙⊙

Hey so this is me- the present me since I don't do this all in one day (cuz I'm a lazy person) so I hope ypu enjoyed this analysis and I hope I made it clear enough that this isn't for justifieing She Li's actions but an attempt to try and understand him. Also I'm sorry cuz I made a post a long while ago about She li and I though he had a different illness than the one in the manhua and I linked a website for that illness, however I deleted the post and I apologize for the big mistake...

This is the link for She Li's actual syndrome if you want to know more about it.

Anyways this was my "Why is She Li a bitch" post- wait, shit this the wrong script...welp can't change it now I guess. Again thank you for 50+ followers stay healthy and don't be a bitch like She Li.

[randomprose]

“Tian, come on. You’ve been in your office the whole day.” Guan Shan appears by the doorway with a frown on his face. “I’m leaving for work and you’re still cooped up in here.”

“Cheng wants these documents tonight. I need to finish this.” He Tian runs his fingers through his temple, massaging the pain that’s been pulsating in his head for the past couple of hours. “Don’t worry about me, alright? Take care and drive safe. I’ll probably still be here when you get back,” he mumbles the last part.

“At least turn on the lights here. You’re gonna wreck your eyes working in the dark.”

“Don’t. It’s fine. I work better in the dark.”

“You’re having a headache because you’ve been staring in the screen the whole day in the dark. Why are you—”

“I said I’m fine!” He Tian shouts, head whirling to glare at Guan Shan poised to switch on the lights. The pain has now traveled to the back of his eyes. “Jesus, Guan Shan. I’ll finish sooner if you stop bugging me. Go to work already and leave me to finish mine peace.”

Guan Shan doesn’t say anything but He Tian does catch him working his jaw and the tick of his eyebrow. Telltale signs that he’s pissed. He hears more than sees him leave and on any other time, He Tian would follow him with apologies already falling out of his lips. But this is an important assignment and the sooner he finish it, the sooner he can make up to Guan Shan for being an asshole. He knows he’s only looking out for him and He Tian already feels like a massive cunt for throwing that on his face considering how rare he shows worry.

He Tian waits for the sound of the front door slamming but it never comes. Instead, Guan Shan comes back to He Tian’s office and enters it instead of just lingering in the doorway like earlier. 

“Get up,” Guan Shan says, tone harsh. “Get the fuck up.”

He Tian turns to look at him, half sorry but still pissed at being interrupted. He glares, dark eyes hard like granite as he growls, “Mo Guan Shan, I swear to god— 

“I said get the fuck up.” 

Tonight, Guan Shan has decided he will be the one doing the coaxing. 

Guan Shan hauls He Tian up by the arms and he only has time to suck in a sudden breath before next thing he knows he’s being dragged across the hallway and into the living room.

“Momo, I—”

“Shut up,” he snaps and something in his eyes flashes that makes He Tian do just that. He Tian watches as he sits on the corner of the couch, legs crossed, and fluffs one of the throw cushions. Guan Shan places it on his lap and pats it. “Sit.”

He Tian sighs. “Momo, I really don’t think—”

“Will you just do as I say?”

He Tian does and obediently obeys when Guan Shan motions for him to lie his head on his lap. 

Guan Shan successfully drags He Tian on their couch, comfortable now after years of use, easily giving and molding into their weight, no longer stiff and hard as when they first bought it.

The moment his head hits the pillow, He Tian lets out a long exhausted groan. A hand automatically comes up to clutch at his head but Guan Shan gently pushes it away and replaces it with his hands instead.

“Headache turning you into a bitch and killing you?”

“Slaughtering me more like,” He Tian sighs as he feels Mo Guan Shang’s fingers carding gently through his hair, massaging his scalp. “I think it’s fully morphed into a migraine now.”

“You want some meds?”

“No, no. I—Tch. The pain is still manageable. I don’t wanna be immune to them when it gets really bad.”

Guan Shan hums and in the next second, He Tian’s nose is assaulted by the smell of mint and camphor as Vicks is rubbed on his aching head. The smell of it relaxes him enough that he doesn’t mind the sticky substance getting in his hair. Not to mention the magic Guan Shan’s fingers are currently performing that’s chasing away his migraine.

“How come you always know what to do?” He Tian rasps, eyes closing amidst Guan Shan’s ministrations.

“I don’t,” Guan Shan scoffs. “This is just simple home remedy shit.”

“You know the important things,” He Tian’s voice has quiet to a mumble, the smell of camphor and the feel of Guan Shan’s fingers slowly but surely lulling him to sleep. “You know how to handle me. You know when not to back down.”

“I’ve had years of practice with your shittiness.”

“I’m sorry for yelling at you by the way. I didn’t mean to. It’s just…this assignment Cheng sent me it’s…it’s driving me insane.”

“It’s fine. I know. The migraine is already punishment enough for you.”

“You—” He Tian groans and it peters out to a moan when Guan Shan’s hand travels down, thumbs digging at the base of his skull, down his neck, and spreading out to the top of his shoulders. “You could say that again.”

“You want me to do your back too?”

“No, no. This is fine. I really don’t wanna get up right now. I’m really comfortable.” Another sigh as Guan Shan continues to work out the knots on his shoulders before going back to his temples. “But rain check on that back massage.”

They fall into silence as Guan Shan continues his ministrations, sticking to He Tian’s temples, his neck, and whatever of his shoulders he can reach with him lying down. He Tian slips in and out of consciousness and Guan Shan just lets him. He’s effectively turned He Tian into goo at this point.

“Thanks.” He Tian groggily reaches up and holds one of Guan Shan’s wrists. “You always know how to make me feel better.”

“Like I said,“ Mo Guan Shan leans down to plant a kiss on the top of He Tian’s nose, mindful of the Vicks on his forehead. “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

He Tian wakes up to the low hum of the TV and Guan Shan’s fingers still gently carding through his hair. The apartment is dark save for the TV and the city lights reflecting from outside. The annoying pulsing pain between his eyes have dispersed. His headache is completely gone.

He smiles to himself as he indulges in Guan Shan’s nimble fingers still scratching at his scalp. Fucking miracle worker.

“I see you’re awake,” Guan Shan says, voice low matching the quietness of the living room. “How’s your head?”

“Fine now.”

Guan Shan is eating chocolate chip cookies straight out of the jar. He Tian opens his mouth for one.

“What time is it?”

“A little past 11 PM.”

“Shit!” He Tian hisses as he sits up. “Cheng’s documents. I—”

“It’s fine, doofus,” Guan Shan says shoving another cookie at He Tian’s mouth “I answered Cheng-ge’s call earlier. Told him you were knocked out. He wants the papers tomorrow by noon.”

“Fuck. How did you manage that?” The initial deadline was tonight.

Guan Shan just shrugs. “Sent him a picture of your sleeping face.”

“You—What?”

Guan Shan pulls his phone and shows He Tian the picture he took of him sleeping on his lap. His mouth is hanging open and it looks like he’s even—

“Fucking hell.” Cheng is gonna use that as ammo against him for at least months. “I’m gonna get you for that.”

“Bring it on, drooly,” Guan Shan smirks muching on another cookie.

“Wait. Aren’t you supposed to go to work? What about that VIP that’s coming tonight? Shit. I’m so sorry, babe. I completely forgot. I was too—”

“Ah, come off it. It’s fine. The restaurant is used to receiving VIPs. They can handle tonight without me.” He rubs his hands and wipes the cookie crumbs off on his sweatpants. “Besides, I don’t even like that guest.”

Guan Shan fixes the pillow on his lap and He Tian takes that as an invitation to unceremoniously slump back into it.

[nightfayre]

What do you think the favor is that he tian asked his brother? To protect mo when he can’t anymore?

my first instinct was that it was to give he tian more time to tie up loose ends (say goodbyes, do the play, just generally have a few more moments of freedom and nostalgia) before being whisked away. i honestly don’t think guan shan will be affected by the mafia when he tian leaves because mgs barely has any affiliation with that world. in other words, i don’t think guan shan will be in danger via mafia.

as far as she li goes though? possibly! maybe he tian asked cheng to set in motion a plan to expel she li or otherwise keep him away from guan shan. but to me, this scenario is the most unlikely.

my third and final hypothesis is that he tian wants to help guan shan’s family before he leaves - bringing back his dad, buying back their restaurant, etc. i definitely can see he tian accomplishing that as a big, final gesture of love before leaving. he might even leave before guan shan can thank him! but that’s just a thought :)

[deathcupcake]

Favorite Chinese Drama Pairs 2021

Because I have been deep into Chinese (mostly) dramas this year, and they tend to be heavy on tropes and relationships (and angst/pain), I find myself with hundreds of screenshots of (mostly) pairings depicting both romance and friendship. Here are the ones that have made 2021 bearable (not all are from 2021 shows).

There are definite spoilers here but pretty sure no one is reading this.

Romantic Pairs

Gao BingZhu and Wu SiYue from Luoyang / Fēng Qǐ Luò Yáng

Thanks to Luoyang being fast-paced and not overly tropey, this romance worked extremely well for me. A bit of a slow burn with moments of angst, given how much their lives were thrown into chaos by both foes and friends. The chemistry was there from the start and progressed logically, but quietly, never overshadowing the actual storyline. I really love them both, they are hands down my favorite couple of the year. And that is why I’m still not over it, dammit. I’ll never be over it. I love bittersweet but what’s up with the tragic? I swear I’ve watched way more tragic endings in Chinese dramas than not. And I’m not ok with it.

Wen KeXing and Zhou Zishou aka WenZhou from Word of Honor / Shan He Ling / Tian Ya Ke

I had/have so many unsatisfied thoughts at the end of the series, but it’s still a show that I enjoy rewatching. Really enjoy. The dialog and expressions on these actors’ faces speaks volumes. The show is somewhat messy, though (for cultural/political reasons) and left me ranting about stupid plot holes. Reading the book filled in a few of the holes, but because the adaptation of the show veered quite a bit, there were still some very unsatisfactory threads. Overall, though, the main relationship, costumes, feel, basic story, and relationships between so many of the minor characters makes me extremely happy. WenZhou forever.

Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian aka WangXian from The Untamed / Chen Qing Ling / Mo Dao Zu Shi

WangXian will probably be one of my favorite pairings ever, up there with Han & Leia. I will always have misgivings about near-obsessive personalities, but WangJi is a logical, externally reserved, protective kinda guy that carries a torch forever (apparently, I love that) and despite - or maybe because of - some less astute moments in his youth, he is my favorite type of character. The only thing that annoys me about the show/series/book is that the characters are (mostly) so young, and I am an old, old lady, so I have less tolerance for some of the silliness caused by themselves. I think that’s why I might prefer the WenZhou relationship more: they are older and Seen Some Shit, which makes them far less silly (and more flirty).

Gu Xiang and Cao WeiNing from  Word of Honor / Shan He Ling / Tian Ya Ke

I fell in love with A-Xiang the minute we met her, and the same with WeiNing. I’ll never be over it, you hear me? Never. Precious cinnamon rolls forever!!!

Xie Lian and Hua Cheng / San Lang aka HuaLian from Heaven Official’s Blessing / Tian Guan Ci Fu

I really enjoyed Xie Lian’s slow realization of his feelings, even though Hua Cheng’s obsession somewhat bothers me. However, since the obsession is in the protection trope vein, I’m generally ok with it. I don’t find either Xie Lian or Hua Cheng overly deep or intriguing, but that also was refreshing. I do think they are the most outwardly romantic pair from MXTX’s three major novels - and I actually appreciated the fact that she didn’t try to write more of the simply awful sex scenes that made their ways into Scum-Villain’s Self-Saving System and Mo Dao Zu Shi. No shame meant on writing pwp or any (consensual) sex, but I still shudder at how painfully awful those were. In contrast, the night-long “transfer of energy” scene in Qiangdeng Temple was pretty sexy.

QingQing and Xue QianXun from Miss The Dragon / Yulong

Miss The Dragon / Yulong was a decent enough story, and the visuals were nice, but the main couple were just ok. It was the side-story couple that made me look forward to finishing the series. Without a doubt, it was a more tragic and better resolved storyline. Again, see my favorite kind of character: the logical, emotionally reserved Xue QianXun. QingQing was also adorable.

Jing Beiyuan and Wu Xi from Qi Ye / Lord Seventh (screencap from Word of Honor / Shan He Ling)

I am including this one even though I don’t really feel that Jing Beiyuan and Wu Xi are on the same page, and that bothers me. Yet I adore Wu Xi for his ability to cut through all Beiyuan’s bullshit, and I do love a reincarnation story. However, I think I prefer their relationship depicted in Word of Honor much more than the book. Qi Ye wasn’t a bad read, but it is yet another danmei book that follows the obsessive and submissive path, which is not really my cup of tea. It doesn’t hurt that Fan JinWei looks like a cinnamon roll that can kill you.

Non-Romance Pairs

QingMing and BoYa from Yin Yang Master: Dream of Eternity

I will take these two as soulmate friends thank you very much. The actors depicted the characters so well and so connected, I do not need the characters to be romantic (though the production clearly toed that line). They are so satisfying as they are. I am actually mulling over a short fic that places them firmly in “devoted to you forever” friend land, but not exactly sure where to go with it. The movie is beautiful, which helps me overlook all the flaws. It also didn’t hurt that the demon servants/spirit guardians were often depicted as if right out of my young Goth daydreams (long hair, sharp cheekbones, skirts, makeup/eyeliner, jfc hand me that fan I’m getting the vapors).

Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui from The Untamed / Chen Qing Ling / Mo Dao Zu Shi & The Living Dead

Best boys, best cousins, I have the softest spot in my heart for Ghost General Wen Ning and sweet, empathetic, smart Lan Sizhui. I want to pinch and kiss their cheeks and pat them on their heads and tuck them into bed. I will protecc these little babies with my life.

Shi QingXuan and Ming Yi aka BeefLeaf from Heaven Official’s Blessing / Tian Guan Ci Fu

To be honest, this side relationship was more intriguing to me than the main couple’s relationship. I would love to read an entire book about Ming Yi / He Xuan from his POV. I know folks ship these two as romantic partners but for me, there is too much baggage/backstory to feel comfortable about that. However, I do like to think that in all the time that the two have known each other, Ming Yi might not outright hate Shi QingXuan and grudgingly kinda miss him/her/they. Still doesn’t excuse what horror he caused.

Prince Bo and Prince Chuan from The Wolf

I loved that while these two were rivals, they still helped each other and felt a kinship/bond despite all the reasons they should hate each other. I wasn’t happy with the main couple’s resolution, but did like the promise of a better resolution for Prince Chuan. And when either of the actors smile, it’s like a beautiful day.

[futuristicballoondream]

New Chapter Thoughts:

Oomph! So much going on I don’t know where to start...well first things first, Momo is taking his guitar home and though I’m a little sad we didn’t get to see He Tian the first time he sees mo with the guitar, I’m glad Mo didn’t reject it. Plus, I’m sure we’ll be treated to a scene of He Tian barging into Mo’s bedroom in the near future so something to look forward to I guess :)

Secondly, He Tian seems incredibly pissed to see He Cheng here. Not his usual mode of dismissed and slightly annoyed, but deeply distressed and upset. He Cheng also seems very tired (his eyes! And...do I detect a few hints of gray hair)!? This seems odd to me, as He Tian has just given Momo the guitar, which Momo accepted (there wasn;t even any yelling in the first panel of them leaving together) - they also had lunch together at school, He Tian got his little moment of wiping Momo’s mouth clean, fed him (even offered him his meal card) and got to carry him about like a teddy bear. So what’s going on between the brothers that could cause this much hatred??? They make sarcastic comments and not-so-sublte digs - they don’t yell. He Tian’s speachbubbles below look like they belong to Mo Guan Shan..... juicey family business stuff going on? Can’t wait to find out the translation.

Super shouty! and He Tian looks tired and very stressed. I’m surprised to see him so ruffled... And then this here, everything suddenly aquiessed by a calming hand from He Cheng (I’m seeing some similarities now in the way He Cheng tries to calm and steer He Tian here, to the way He tian does the same to Mo Guan Shan). I guess this must be him telling him about the dog, or at least an ominous ‘I have something to show you’. Something important must have been said to still He Tian’s rage.

Thirdly, THE DOG!!!! Christ almight I can’t believe it happened. But I must say, that dog isn’t looking too well. Is it just me? He could have been sleepy and betaking time to recognize He Tian but I feel if that was the case, Old Xian would have made it much more cartoony.

 This whole chapter had a rather ominous tone and I have a feeling He Cheng came to tell him the dog is ill and allow him to say some final goodbyes (perhaps goodbyes he didn’t get to say to his mother?) and to prove he’s not a totally heatless dick.

Let me know what you think, can’t wait for the translation XD

[alexc1ting]

Jian Yi: Big Brother Qiu is washing the dishes and I just heard him say "Who do you work for? Who's your contact???" while repeatedly pushing a glass under water.

Xixi:

He Cheng to himself: (good boy, doing his homework)

Mo Guan Shan: At least he's having fun???

He Tian: I can do that, lil' Mo, I can do that better than him, wanna see? Hey, She Li! Come here by the pool a moment...

[notthatiwilleverwriteit]

Read the latest mafia ask and I got some questions too about that hope you dont mind Don't you think that if he tian will be in a relationship with mo in the future someone will try to hurt mo to get to the He family? because of his relationship with he tian.I hope he tian will not get involved with his familys job.He hates that side and what they do as we seen(but he still used his brothers man on she li)and the only reason I see him working for them or with them is to protect mo or his friends

Good evening, dear anon-san!

This is going to be a rather long answer, so  youbetter get comfy...

“Don't you think that if he tian will be in a relationship with mo in the future someone will try to hurt mo to get to the He family? because of his relationship with he tian.“

I very much think that is a realistic possibility. Mo Guan Shan’s connection to He Tian can get him mixed up in dangerous people, for sure. So far, it’s mostly worked the other way around: HT’s connections and the influence of his family name have ended up saving MGS. But it’s most definitely a delicate balance, and I doubt it’s escaped HT either.

The interesting thing about “connection” is that it comes down to “distance”. And I think physical and emotional distance is an essential part of how Tianshan works both now and in the future. From the beginning, when we were just getting to know HT, it was obvious how isolated he was (130):

The person he was in front of his schoolmates was very different from when he was by himself. The distance and isolation were at least partly self-imposed. HT was very careful about letting others get close to himself both physically and emotionally.

The first time he allowed his solitary to be breached was when MGS came over to make him beef stew (ch. 144): 

HT’s face being hidden in that panel has always been an interesting detail to me. What was going on in his head at the moment? Up until that, I doubt no one besides He Cheng (and maybe Qiu) had much visited HT. Certainly, no one at school knew where or how he was living. The other students didn’t really know HT, and he actively posed as a different person in front of them. He was cheerful, cool and friendly. Living in an expensive and yet sparsely furnished apartment by himself certainly wouldn’t have fitted the image they had of HT. I doubt they would have understood the person HT became in that apartment, either. It was a place where he could drop his mask and be honest about his darkness. I think it’s something special that MGS was the first one to see all that even though he probably wasn’t aware of what he was granted to see.

If you compare that panel to when the rest of the gang came over, the atmosphere is quite different (ch. 186):

But I digress.

As Tianshan has kept developing so has the distance been narrowing between HT and MGS. Despite isolating himself and being guarded, HT was also someone who sought comfort and reassurance in physical contact (ch. 225, 260, 291, 295):

Being physically close is very much associated with feeling safe and secure in HT’s case. It’s as if he’s given himself permission to be needy in that sense. And it’s different from clinging to MGS at every turn by hooking an arm around his shoulders and dragging him along. It’s more private and vulnerable than that.

At the moment, HT seems to think that keeping MGS as close as possible is also the best way to keep him safe (ch 244, 265, 296):

As far as HT sees it, threats and enemies are lurking around every corner. She Li is uncomfortably close without HT being able to do much about it. The fact that MGS won’t back down from fights also requires HT to keep a close eye on him. But as long as HT is around, nothing bad can happen to MGS. And even if something happens, HT is right there to protect him. He’s become a blotch of darkness looming right behind MGS where all his enemies can see him.

HT’s protectiveness also has a strong possessive streak which only enhances the importance of distance. The earrings are a good example of that (ch. 282):

The earrings are a tangible proof of their connection. MGS is under HT’s protection. He belongs to HT, and no one is allowed to touch what is his. Especially people like SL who used to hold power over MGS. By wearing the earrings HT gave, SL’s reign is overwritten.

Now, if you compare that distance - or lack of - to how they seem to be connected in the future, the difference is quite obvious (ch. 224, 271, 313):

Based on the little hints the Christmas specials have granted us, the nature of their distance has shifted. They aren’t physically nearly as connected due to HT being in another country. And it seems like when they can see each other the next time is always somewhat uncertain. HT is also putting a new kind of distance between them by not telling MGS when he’s coming to see him (and probably when he’s going to take off again).

Is this distance as safe as what they had in middle school? If HT has gotten involved in his family’s businesses, does he think it’s safer to stay at an earshot from his family and potential enemies? Rather than sticking close to MGS? If he knows what’s going on instead of being in the dark, he can be proactive? 

It’s also possible HT thinks it’s the safest if he keeps MGS separated from his assumed line of work. But the safety that way of thinking grants is of course on the flimsy side. HT showing up like that is a living, breathing connection between them. Is HT perhaps treating MGS as a safe haven of sorts? I doubt his visits to MGS have remained a secret completely, but perhaps he’s trying to keep MGS hidden from his family? At least hoping they don’t know too much about him? The little storage room and narrow bed are for HT to get away from it all, even for a moment. But will HT be able to have his cake and eat it, too?

As an interesting side note, I think there’s a potential parallel between how HT visits MGS in the future and how HC kept the dog alive and goes to see it (ch. 252):

I think MGS in the future will represent similar things to HT as the dog does to HC. Someone, something, or a place where they can let their guard down and show softness, even vulnerability. They have both saved and nurtured something and by being around that something, they can feel better about themselves than in their everyday life. It reminds them that they still have humanity left in them.

“He hates that side and what they do as we seen(but he still used his brothers man on she li)“

That conflict between how HT despises his family and yet utilizes its strength when it suits him surely is interesting and something I’ve always wondered. It almost looks like even he himself is torn despite his seemingly strong resolve. Regardless of everything, they’re still his family. His interactions with his father and brother raise the question of how difficult and painful HT actually finds it trying to separate himself from them. And what compromises he’s willing to make to avoid it.

When HT went to see his father, it seemed like he was still holding at least some hope that they could reach some kind of understanding (ch. 251):

What was he going to ask his father? Did the mind games Mr. He was yet again playing with him (by not showing up), convince HT that getting the answers wouldn’t be necessary? He knew what he wanted to do and what his father happened to think it about didn’t matter.

And yet even if HT dismisses his father, it doesn’t seem like Mr. He took his threats at all seriously (ch. 251):

Mr. He probably realizes HT is conflicted. But rather than trying to force him (which I’m sure he’s tried already), he’s changed tactics. He’s allowed HT to seemingly have his way which is meant to show HT how impossible his goals are. He can set out to save the world all he wants, but the truth is he doesn’t have the resources by himself. And it seems Mr. He has managed to prove his point at least once already. I don’t see why that couldn’t also be the reason why HT is in another country in the future.

The interesting problem about that would be for how many people HT is buying safety by presumably working with his family. What about all the other people suffering at the hands of his father and the likes?

Even a stronger hold than that is probably HT’s complex love-hate relationship with HC (ch. 168, 229, 252, 260, 266):

On the surface, HT is bratty towards HC and HC lets him take out his feelings on himself. But deep down, I think the idea of cutting ties with his brother is much more painful and impossible than HT would admit out loud. HC might have become the kind of person HT hates the most, but I don’t think HT has lost hope in him despite saying so. He probably desperately wants HC to follow him, and it’s that hope that keeps him still hanging on. He doesn’t want to jump off the boat by himself. And in return, HC is probably one of the very few people who hold actual power over HT.

What I’m trying to say is HT is perhaps more hangup on his family than one would think. That’s why he’s kicking and screaming so much. Because losing hope is difficult and it hurts.

In the meantime, he seems to have settled with using his family’s strength for good. I think this panel sums it up pretty well (ch. 267):

HT being backed up by his brother’s strength to fight evils that aren’t his family. It’s probably his relationship with HC that allows this kind of leeway. I doubt Mr. He would have granted HT such favors without demanding something in return. HC, on the other hand, has always understood his brother’s struggle despite not feeling like he can support him directly. So, even if HC can’t allow HT to have his way, he can at least help keep his friends safe. From threats that aren’t the two families, that is.

“the only reason I see him working for them or with them is to protect mo or his friends”

In short, I would say the same. He’s already kind of doing that, though. HT has had to make concessions because as strong as he might be, there are powers against which even he can’t win. At least, not yet. And I kind of like that. The fact the HT isn’t invincible and can’t do whatever he wants makes it more realistic. There are still rules (albeit evil and meant to hurt other people) to which even he has to submit.

But of course, we know that isn’t going to stop HT, merely slow him down a little. Just because he can’t stop HC trying to take JY and keeping tabs on him and his friends, he sure as hell is going to be the stubborn thorn in their flesh (ch. 168, 287):

Your questions, dear anon-san, were weirdly fitting because I have (yet again) been thinking about the future dynamic of Tianshan. I’m planning a Tianshan AU which revolves around the themes of committing bad things, punishing ourselves for our sins, being forgiven and getting absolution only to rinse and repeat the same cycle again. Who judges our sins fairly; ourselves or someone else? Who decides when we have atoned enough? I think some of those questions and themes also fit the canon version of Tianshan and whatever bits and pieces we know about their future. Especially, if HT will be more connected to his family when he’s older and yet be in a relationship with MGS.

Thank you for your questions, dear anon-san!

[agapaic]

for prompt, how about an au where guan shan is famous and he tian isn't? (i love your writing ❤️❤️❤️❤️)

25.

‘I heard he’s an asshole. A mean asshole.’

He Tian lights up another cigarette, crouches down on an overturned crate. The back door is propped open with a thick hardback, spine broken and pages ruined and wrinkled from rain and spilled ink, and He Tian indulges in the heaviness of smoke in his throat, breath stolen for just a moment. 

‘You shouldn’t listen to rumour,’ he tells Jian Yi, who is propped against the back wall, worrying at his lip. Jian Yi’s cigarette is dwindling in his fingertips, half-touched, and He Tian forces himself to look away from it. 

‘Hard not to when the guy’s press team is setting up inside your store for a signing.’

‘My brother’s store,’ He Tian reminds him. 

Jian Yi jolts forward. ‘Which makes it worse! Protect the family name! The integrity!’

He Tian smirks, grinds out his cigarette beneath the toe of his shoe, newly shined. ‘He Cheng? Integrity? That would be the day.’ He presses his hands to his knees, pushes himself to his feet with a small sigh. ‘Come on,’ he says. ‘He’ll be here soon.’ 

‘Ready to protect the family honour?’

He Tian rolls his eyes. ‘What little there is of it—I don’t think it needs defending from some celebrity thriller author.’

Jian Yi halts in the doorway. His look is incredulous. ‘Some celebrity? He’s the youngest recipient of the Mao Dun Literature Prize. He’s won it twice.’

There’s a breathless sort of reverence in the words, an adoration He Tian thought the fair man reserved only for one other person. Waxed lyrical like a starving poet first discovering the moon.

He Tian says, ‘I thought you said he was an asshole.’

Without hesitation: ‘Oh, he is. A mean one.’

—

Jian Yi is right: the man is gruff to his staff, dismissive of He Tian’s. He’s hard-tongued to his fans, and delivers his short welcoming speech in clipped tones and the curved accent of someone raised on the backs of city streets. He Tian’s only interaction thus far takes place with the author’s publisher, a sharp-edged, sly man with silver hair and a series of tattoos peeking beneath the rolled-up shirt sleeves.

He Tian watches the proceedings from the upper mezzanine, arms resting on the balcony banister. The bookstore is big, the building inherited from a long line of He’s and, once, housed a group of Literati scholars during the Qing Dynstasy Men and women waiting eagerly in line, copies new and old clutched to their chests, eager for a glimpse at the man who could create such a mastery. Jian Yi stands at He Tian’s side, eyes on the café on the other side of the mezzanine, where Zhengxi stands cleaning the shelves behind the counter, now empty, listening to the voices from below.

His eyes flicker up, and, seeing Jian Yi, he offers a nod, a small wave. Jian Yi looks away, blushing.

‘Really?’ He Tian asks, unable to help himself. ‘Just fuck already.’

Jian Yi’s eyes go wide, silvery and wet with childlike fear, as if he’s just heard the beginnings of creaking from his parent’s bedroom.

‘We haven't—It’s not—Oh, balls…’ He sighs, dramatic and overzealous, a hand pressed to his forehead like a fainting maiden from one of his battered romance novels from the eighties. ‘It isn’t like I don’t want to,’ he hisses, suddenly correcting himself. An almost defence. ‘But Zhan Zhengxi’s…’

'Frigid?’

’Stoic.’

He Tian considers the barista, his dark brows affecting an air of eternal broodiness and a painful duty of thought. Some Byronic figure blessed with dark, philosophical features and bright, cutting eyes. Beneath it, He Tian knows there lies a shadowy, quiet man who is far simpler than the likes of which Jian Yi likes to indulge.

But He Tian leaves him to his fantasies.

Below, Guan Shan is reaching the end of the first wave of guests, those who’d bought tickets for the introductions and a photo pass with the author. He Tian watches as the man states, unflinching, into the camera, flinching each time as a fan presses closer, leans in. There’s a curl to his lip that is purely hostile, and a startled look in his eyes for just a second as the camera flash goes off and He Tian realises that the whole thing is a front.

Guan Shan, he realises, is like most other authors who step over the threshold of the store. Unused to crowds, largely content with their own company, enduring social conventions with an awkward manner that lingers on rude.

‘He doesn’t like this,’ he murmurs.

Jian Yi glances at him. ‘The country’s most famous author doesn’t like going on a tour of adoring fans?’ He shakes his head. ‘Imagine standing on a stage and having a crowd of people singing your songs back at you. The thrill.’

‘Imagine putting your private thoughts and the workings of your mind on show.’ He Tian glances at the publishing representative, the sharkish figure standing towards the back of the store. He has a smile on his face, yellowish eyes glinting in the light. ‘It’s a horror.’

‘It’s money,’ says Jian Yi, a little more practical. ‘I heard he’s got a three-part movie deal for Secondhand Smoke. If it flops, maybe he’ll get a Netflix drama. Maybe a K-drama. He’s set for life.’

More decisions, more executive choices handed over to someone who knows him little and claims a lot. Dreams and secret thoughts set on a screen and gazed at while Guan Shan flinches from the criticism like a camera flash.  

He Tian stops himself—he’s not a writer. He can’t create characters like this, a caricature of a man—a real man—he doesn’t know.

—

He ducks out for a cigarette when the line begins to thin and the sky has grown dark, leaving Jian Yi to watch over the final signings. He won’t get a chance to leave the shop until the early hours of the next morning, stacking away chairs and tables for tomorrow’s opening and reviewing the accounts from the day’s events, a night holed away in the office with straining eyes and a too-dim lamplight Jian Yi has told him to replace a thousand times. 

He hears the door hinges creak, the stomp of boots, an unfamiliar gait. Somehow—he knows.

‘Got one goin’ spare?’

He Tian glances back, unaffected, and then goes still. He’s different up close; the spotlight attached to the wall beside the fire exit adds a softness that none of his author’s portraits have allowed him. There’s an amber glint to his hair, his eyes, a pellucid quality to his skin. Hard callousness gives way to a strange, chipped beauty that He Tian can’t look away from.

He offers up the carton. 

‘Getting tired of handing out your autographs?’ he asks, only lightly mocking. 

‘Just signed the last copy.’ The author’s lip curls, and he takes a cigarette. ‘I hate this shit,’ he says, and then pauses when he props the cigarette between his lips. ‘Don’t tell anyone I said that.’

The corners of He Tian’s mouth quirk. ‘You’re bringing me good business. You can say what you like.’

Mo Guan Shan leans into He Tian’s cupped hands, the flame of He Tian’s lighter snagging on the end of his cigarette until it blooms like a marigold. He kicks a crate over and sets himself down on it.

‘You’re usin’ a copy of Secondhand Smoke to keep your back door open,’ he remarks, unoffended.

He Tian hides a smile. ‘It’s hefty,’ he says. ‘And we ordered too many copies.’

‘A bookstore with an accidental surplus,’ says Mo Guan Shan. ‘What a luxury. Guess you’re doin’ pretty fuckin’ well from where I’m lookin’.’ He leans back, smoke tendrils drifting upwards. ‘Oldest independent bookstore in Beijing, and you haven’t sold the place out to Suning or Yonghui or some other corporate shit like the rest of ‘em.’

‘The building belongs to my family,’ says He Tian, a finite note to his voice. 

‘I know. My publicist gave me some background.’ Mo Guan Shan glances back. ‘Guessin’ there’s some stories to be told in these walls.’

‘You’d be writing forever if you set yourself to writing about my family.’

There’s a pause, and then, ‘Okay. You got archives?’

He Tian leans back. He considers what the man is saying, what he’s offering. It’s not much, not a promise—but it’s something. And that something starts to warm behind his ribs, a ball of air in his throat that feels like panic.

‘If you come in tomorrow,’ he says, ‘I’ll try and get them for you. But no promises.’

The writer shrugs, stamps out the dwindling cigarette from beneath his shoe, and gets to his feet. ‘See you tomorrow then, Mr He.’

He Tian glances back to watch him leave, the slight set of the man’s shoulders disappearing into the store, the door thudding against the beaten copy of his most famous work. A shift, and He Tian murmurs, ‘See you tomorrow, Mr Mo.’

—

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[casually-inlove]

How hard it must have been for He Tian to utter those words. After everything that happened since their initial meeting, He Tian effectively admits that he’s aware that there was truth to what Guan Shan had told him back then. That no matter his circumstances or scarring past, he was fake, sinister and useless/dependent.

This chapter shows a truly crucial moment.

For once, we see He Tian low-key reflecting on his own attitude, admitting his flaws out loud, basically agreeing with Mo’s past assessment of him. The way OX draws him this chapter only amplifies this: downcast eyes, a balled fist, a whole freaking panel focused on his throat (one’s throat getting dry or tense is a telltale sign of heightened tension, the difficulty speaking, both physical and emotional). I can only imagine that He Tian’s voice cracked a bit when he said all those. It takes a strong character to admit your own bad points, it takes even a stronger character when you have practically grown into your very own mask of a cool Mr Perfect.

Secondly, at last, we get a verbal confirmation regarding He Tian’s view of Mo Guan Shan. He Tian admires him; in fact, he implicitly states that Mo is better than he ever was – that Mo has the strength that He Tian lacks. Strength to be completely independent (unlike He Tian, who has to rely on his brother despite ostensibly “hating the person He Cheng has become”), strength to withstand the darkness, both the inner kind (past, fears, anger) and the darkness that is obtained through the improper milieu (gangs and school bullies in Mo’s case, in He Tian’s case – his family questionable background).

Thirdly – drum roll – we finally get He Tian properly communicating his wants and needs: don’t abandon me. He asked for it. Verbally. He wasn’t using tricks to disguise his words, nor was he resorting to physical clinginess. 

That’s something He Tian isn’t used to doing – the only other moment I can recall is the scene in the Aquarium – isn’t used to laying himself bare like that. Ironically enough, when he does so, Mo seems to respond in kind. If the Aquarium scene is anything to go by, Mo will give him a reassuring response.

On a side note, is there a bit of self-hatred in He Tian here? Lonely in a crowd, having to cope on his own because there’s no one who’s actually interested in who he is – because as soon as they find out they’ll be surely disgusted, right? Self-isolated, because he seemingly keeps people out for his fear of attachments. Always loudly proclaiming his independence from his family, yet when the push comes to shove having to run for help to the person he allegedly hates. To me, it appears that in admitting those flaws of his, he also admits one of his haunting fears – to be abandoned because he believes people would turn away from him as soon as they learn just who he is; that’s why he is basically saying “but you are not afraid of those, so will you stay by my side?”. 

That, of course, is only my subjective impression and a couple of assumptions I have made so far.