#he can be the world's most competent househusband OR the world's most spoiled sugarbaby!

[cicerfics]

(second set of tags are from @bishybarnaby!)

LISTEN. I joke about sugar baby Bond (and I do love him ~just as he is~, the spoiled and useless creature!) but also ☝️ I do think he has the potential to be a phenomenal and highly skilled househusband.

I do think it might begin with the cats! I do think that Bond might be tasked with taking them to the vet at some point, and Bond has a brief moment of internal panic, and then he shifts instantly into Mission Mode: he has been assigned a Job and there is No Room For Failure. This unsavory task must be performed, and thus he shall perform it. For England, James.

He is going to get a good grade at taking his boyfriend's cats to the vet, normal to want, possible to achieve, etc. He is going to CRUSH IT. He is gonna take them to the vet SO HARD. He is going to take those cats to the vet better than anyone else in the history of humankind!

And he researches, and he prepares, and he selects all the best equipment, and he suits up, and he just generally treats this like a black ops mission with the highest possible stakes.

And he manages to pull it off! And he is SO PROUD OF HIMSELF.

And I do think Q undertakes to teach Bond Normal People Activities like grocery shopping and paying utilities and all of that. And I do think that Bond absolutely has the chops to take that SERIOUSLY. There would indeed be a few hiccups (leading to much-treasured CCTV footage of Bond's pathetic-wet-cat failures which Q loves and cherishes) but Bond is smart and adaptable, and before long, he's got a routine and everything runs smooth as silk!

He knows exactly when the local shops get in new shipments. He times his arrival to the MINUTE so he gets first pick of the best and freshest produce! He bribes his way into purchasing a dozen of the very best pastries, which the highly-sought-after bakery claims they don't sell to customers and only ship out in wholesale quantities to local hotels! He knows how to stack coupons and combine them with weekly deals and he bring in the grocery bill under-budget, even WITH expensive indulgences like the aforementioned exclusive pastries!

Given enough time and practice, he could run Q's home like a navy warship: spick and span and polished to a perfect shine, with nary a cat hair out of place nor a single sock lost in the wash! I don't think it would necessarily come easily or naturally to him, but I do absolutely believe he could manage it if he put his mind to it and treated it like A Mission. James Bond does not accept defeat, etc!!

Also, I am now imagining Bond reading books on household management and personal finance. He is hunched over the books with a highlighter pen in hand and a furrow in his brow! He is approaching this with the same gravity and intensity as cross-checking a stack of classified reports to prepare for a life-or-death mission!

No stone must go unturned, and no detail shall escape the former 007's eagle eye! As GOD as his witness, he WILL learn how to darn that tiny rent in Q's favorite jumper!!!!

The whole sugar-baby-Bond-being-bad-with-money thing is so delightful to me, because...like...

Listen, this man made it to his mid-to-late 40s while traveling the world and doing all sorts of insane stuff, so I definitely think he knows how to acquire absolutely anything he may need or want. I think he fully understands high finance, particularly as it pertains to stuff that happens on his missions.

But I also think he has zero experience with normal, mundane, everyday, well-regulated household finance.

He understands all about short-selling and elaborate scams that could have an impact on the global stock markets!

But he doesn't really know what a 'normal utility bill' for two adults living in London might look like.

I also think that his baseline is completely thrown off by his global travels and the fact that prices are so variable depending on where you are in the world.

Like...how much does a banana cost? Well, Bond doesn't know, really. It could be next to nothing, or it could be extremely expensive, depending on where he is in the world this week. They could be GIVING bananas away, or there could be a banana shortage due to shipping problems half a world away that are driving the price up! Who can say!

Also, I think Bond is very skilled and experienced at getting things the Illegal (or Illicit) Way, to the point where he doesn't know (or has forgotten) how to do things the Normal Way.

How does one acquire a car? Well, one receives a car from one's quartermaster, of course! Or one steals a car. Or one wins a car in a high-stakes poker game. :)

Cars are always readily available! Any car one might desire!! Bond is so good at getting cars at any given moment!

But how does one go about buying or leasing a car through traditional means...? Bond is not entirely sure, tbh!

I don't know. Something about this concept just tickles me right down to my toes.

This man who is a secret agent, a world-traveler, an experienced and successful espionage operative, who has been everywhere and done everything and is really highly intelligent...does not know how much groceries are supposed to cost or how you're supposed to, like, create a household budget.

He's completely flummoxed by all the paperwork and strange procedures that one must perform in order to do things The Normal Way. He navigates smoothly and flawlessly through the criminal underworld, but he actually understands almost nothing about civilian life. Help him.