#he also tried to save his companions by making thm leave him

[money-and-dandellions]

Lester didn't understand that Meg launched herself onto the Tarquin in order to save him (because this is Meg why would she— he doesn't really deserve it does he he is such a terrible friend and he is fine with himself dying) until he was told about it by Meg.

Meg who feels guilty that Lester is dying and she doesn't want to lose someone else who is important dear to her.

oh yeah and they hugged

and Meg cried

and Lester tried to reassure her that he is going to live despite not knowing if he will .

[dangermousie]

If I have a favorite S1 episode, Nerve is it. Any ep that beats out AHR, THM and FT has got to be beyond awesome, and this is. Watching it after seeing everything, I want to cover my eyes in parts of it. Tell John to run, to hide before scorpius gets to him, breaks him (because while in some ways, Crichton is never broken, in other ways he is irretrievably broken after Aurora Chair and it never ever gets fully fixed.) But there is so much in this episode to love that I am not sure where to start. The scene where Crichton finds out that something is wrong with Aeryn and he won't leave her alone until he learns what. And then the stark denial in his face when he realizes she is going to die? The way he looks at her throughout is so enveloping, isn't it? And he touches her face while reassuring her she won't die as if to make sure she is still there but because Crichton is such a physical, touchy-feely person, isn't he? He will never lose that certain openness to touch that is a result of a free peaceful upbringing. And I love that the reason the others agree to go to Gammak base isn't as much because they don't want to lose Aeryn (though that plays into that. Notice how D'Argo is unequivocal about not wanting Aeryn to die and how he comes up with a way to keep her alive for longer. What a difference from his equivocal statement in EfG) but because of Crichton: because this is the first time you see that they give in because Crichton is crazier than they are. And they can see it.

This is the first episode where we are presented with the fact, so starkly, that it is impossible for Crichton to let Aery die. Ever. Crichton is a laid-back enough guy, but there are a very few things (Aeryn first among them) where he will not give in, ever. And Moyans can sense that. Crichton's power of conviction is a fierce scary thing and I think they know they would have to kill him to prevent him from going to the Gammak base. One of the many amazing scenes in the episode is the good-bye between Aeryn and John which is not a good-bye. The word 'good-bye' is not said even though John is going on a suicide mission and Aeryn will most likely die soon. This is the start to the series of their non-good-byes that ends so wrenchingly in DWTB. Once they are reunited after DWTB they never say even non-good-bye, do they? At the end of BT, they chose to die together, kissing, as together as they can be, rather than try to separate, jump overboard, survive. Ok that's a digression - to get back to their non-good-bye scene. Their looks speak volumes, when their words do not. I love Aeryn's openness, even vulnerability, in asking John if his people have any rituals for such situations and he looks at her with his heart in his eyes and tells her that there is a handshake and wishing of luck. And she does that and they hold on to each other's hands briefly and she wishes him luck and asks him how it was and he replies, in just that tone of voice: 'Perfect.' And he won't break their eye contact.

I love that Chiana goes with him. Part of this is because he genuinely likes Crichton and owes him, but I think also because she feels a little guilty because it's her actions that ultimately resulted in Aeryn being wounded. So Crichton goes down, wearing a dead man's uniform. And when he comes back, he will never be the same. When he gets caught on Scorpius' order, you know what I noticed? Even there, he won't fire at the goons. He hits them with the gun, but he won't shoot. Ohhhh. That rather broke my heart, as this is the last time we see this. Aurora Chair knocks it all out of him. From than on, he is never without a gun, never without the armor of the peacekeepers. He is damaged for good. I love his pissed-off-at-the-world attitude as he flies into the base (and I cannot re-emphasize enough how crazy suicidal this whole thing is). Part is put-on as a PK attitude (and it's good for him he is pretending to be irregulars because you know they are a bit weird generally) but part is his genuine madness at the situation. But I think the bravest thing he does the whole ep is putting his hands into that bio scan. And that brings me to Gilina. They meet again but how he's changed. He points a gun at her and he keeps pointing it, doesn't lower it when he sees who it is. And poor Gilina, your train has passed. Now Crichton sees no one but Aeryn and when Chiana tries to reassure Gilina, you can see even Gilina doesn't believe it. And how amazing is it that Crichton stashes that thing for Aeryn and even though he is caught and horribly tortured, his priority is to get that thing to Aeryn. The first time Crichton puts Aeryn above any rational saving of self (though Gilina is wrong that he is acting this way because he loves Aeryn. That's it in part, but as we will see later, he undergoes so much torture to protect Gilina, and it's made all the more awesome because it's gratitude not love that motivates him).

The torture scenes are hard to watch. Farscape doesn't make torture pretty: John looks like hell when he is thrown back into the cell: red-rimmed eyes, falling apart, can barely move.

And during the torture, he is crying and drooling on himself and (the worst of all) he cannot help but tell Scorpius: "Please." To beg. And the sheer incomprehension in him - as some basic belief in decency and goodness of the Universe and people really shatters irrevocably in him. Ouch!

I don't know what's worse for him: the physical pain or the psychic violation or the helplessness to stop from betrayal of his friends. One catches relief when Scorpius stops the torture, relief he cannot hide, and horror when Scorpius indicates it's a short break and he'll be back soon. And yet, terrified, in pain, a mess, (his despairing horror when he sees Stark and asks 'is this what the Chair did to you') he still fights back, small flashes of defiance, grim hysterical humor.

And then there is Crais, and is a monster but he is dwarfed by the other monster in the room: Scorpius, and John's despairing laughter at the senselessness of the Universe, of no way this is as bad as it is...his laughter has a thin tinge of insanity to it. And I love that Crais knows the one way to get John to cooperate is to promise him not his life but the lives of his companions and I love that even driven to the limits of his endurance, Crichton outthinks him, desperately. I haven't even gotten to Stark whom I adore (but I really fell for him in the next ep). All I can say is 'My side, your side' is a frequent catch-phrase in the Mousie household.