#he admires from afar

[lgbtlunaverse]

It seems the dash has been talking about the Lan Xichen - Nie Huaisang post-canon dynamics and it's gotten me thinking about how discussion around post-canon Lan Xichen's absolutely horrendous mental state often center around the question of "who is Lan Xichen angry at and who does he feel guilty about" which, at its worst, seperates into 2 camps where according to one side he feels guilty about not protecting jgy and hates the Nies and, on the other side he has completely flipped on jgy and despises him now while being filled with regret towards both nmj and nhs.

And I dislike both of these takes not just because it often feels like people projecting their own Blorbo opinions onto Lan Xichen which is never a fun time but also because that central question is flawed to begin with. It treats anger and guilt like opposing emotions that can't coexist or, if they do, have to compete until one wins and cancels the other out.

And that's not how that... works.

To be clear, the reason why Lan Xichen is so supremely fucked up at the end of the story is that he believes on some level he fucked over everyone in this situation. And, even more importantly, that even with hindsight he can't actually think of what he should have done instead. Every attempt to do better by one seems to involve fucking over the others even more because these people were in conflict with each other and choosing one would mean standing against another

And none of this would actually stop him from feeling angry at any of them. It's not "who is he angry at and who does he feel guilty about" it's: "he is angry at everyone and feels an immediate and bone deep guilt for daring to think badly of them."

Speaking from personal experience here, but feeling like you're not allowed to be angry at someone because you wronged them really doesn't stop the feeling, it just maks you feel like shit for feeling it. And this is all worsened by the fact that what he's in seclusion for is, at the end of the day, a moral question of what he, Lan Xichen, did wrong and every single emotion serves as further proof of the ways he's failed them.

Is he angry at Jin Guangyao, for killing his oldest friend, using Lan xichen's trust in him to do it, and then lying to him about it and countless other things for a decade when Lan Xichen thought of him as the person he trusted the most in the entire world? Yeah. That's a thing people get angry about! Except Jin Guangyao also saved his life and protected and helped him more times than he can count and never ever hurt him and can Lan Xichen say the same? No. He had to clean A-Yao's blood off Shouyue, he has to be haunted by the fact that if he just hadn't listened to Huaisang- hadn't been just like everyone else, in the end, and believed a lie about Jin Guangyao just to think the worst of him- then Jin Guangyao might still be alive.

Is he angry at Huaisang? For orchestrating the death of his best friend? For making him do it? For knowing what the real cause behind Nie Mingjue's death was and never telling him until he found out in the absolute worst way? Absolutely. But didn't Huaisang hide it from him for a reason? Wasn't it his clan's techniques and his personal faith in Jin Guangyao that cost Huaisang his brother? How dare he demand that Huaisang let him in on the secret of his brother's murderer when Lan Xichen is here wondering about how he should have protected that murderer better!

And I do even think he's angry at Nie Mingjue, sometimes I think it's pretty normal to be angry at your friend for kicking your other friend down the stairs and threatening to kill him, even when you know his mind is being poisoned. And years later the last thing he ever saw of Nie Mingjue was Nie Mingjue's thoughtless corpse coming to kill him before Jin Guangyao pushed him away and then proceeded to graphocally snap Jin Guangyao's neck in front of him. And if what he wants to do is protect Jin Guangyao, shouldn't he be mad at Mingjue? Didn't this whole mess start because Jin Guangyao was afraid Nie Mingjue was going to kill him?

Except holy shit, can you imagine? Lan Xichen feels like he personally has Nie Mingjue's blood on his hands. Your oldest friend is killed in front of you and you happily believe it's an accident for 11 years and now you think you have the right to be mad at him? You watched him get worse as he was being poisoned and attributed it to his illness and not to the techniques stolen from your library with the token you give his murderer. Does he think Nie Mingjue knew who he was in that moment and wanted to kill him? That he blamed Lan Xichen for his death? (For the record, I don't. I don't agree with most of what Lan Xichen thinks about himself, but I've been in a self-blame spiral and I know how it feels)

But what was he supposed to do then? Choose Mingjue's side and let A-Yao die? That's also unacceptable. But so is letting Jin Guangyao get away with it. Every single outcome is unacceptable. And really, if Jin Guangyao felt like he had to kill Nie Mingjue to save himself, when it was Lan Xichen who was supposed to keep the peace between them, isn't that another mark of his failure? That he couldn't protect Jin Guangyao well enough that he felt he had to do something so horrible?

But that's not an answer! He's supposed to know what he should have done different, and all he can come up with is "what you were already doing, but without failing this time" He can't pick a side because that means betrayal, but he's already tried not picking a side and it ended like this! There is no right answer, which can only leave him with the idea that he was simply doomed to hurt the people he loved from the start. No wonder the guy looks like shit when we see him post-canon. They put him in a real life trolley problem and gave him the lever as a souvenir.

[drrav3nb]

KATHERINE HEPBURN as Jane Hudson ROSSANO BRAZZI as Renato de Rossi SUMMERTIME (dir. David Lean)

[gotchibam]

Commissioned piece for Gabriel!

[gummi-ships]

Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance - Braig / Xigbar

[kiisaes]

u ever just have some time to urself to think about bkdk (ur first mistake, bc u are now spiraling) and how it's the "[A] fell first [B] fell harder" trope and how that's like. more or less canon now. perhaps not romantically but how else are u gonna describe bkg's whole ... thing

[stewieonxbox360]

kevin spencer if it was peak

[lieutenantbiscute]

Týr! Týr! Týr!

You can very much tell what’s pre vs post Valhalla at least to me

[wish-i-were-heather]

he asked someone else to the dance alexa play yours by conan gray

[kenobion]

Andrew Garfield on The Late Late Show with James Corden

[patchwork-crow-writes]

97 - Tidal-Locked

You are my world, and I am your moon. Won't you take my hand as we waltz among the stars, partaking in a celestial ballet without beginning or end?

We are hewn from the same star-stuff, you and I; sundered by catastrophe, doomed never to touch, yet still my molten heart is as yours. Oh, my perfect blue marble… I could gaze forever into your fathomless oceans, admire your soaring mountaintops from afar. The wispy clouds upon your painted brow are such a pretty sight. Though violent tempests may sometimes obscure our view, and the sun's piercing rays might sting our eyes, please trust that I am always near, no matter what may befall us.

Hush now, my Earth; the dark encroaches upon us, but look to me and I shall light your way with a love you've always known. The void howls all around, but listen now to my song that shall soothe you to a tender sleep. And should you ever falter from your axis, or drift from your destined orbit, be assured that I shall move the firmament itself to bring you back to yourself.

…and though it may be our fate to never again touch, circling each other at arm's length, spiralling adrift amidst a cold cosmos… oh, to exist together in this space, in this moment, is more than a simple satellite such as I could have ever dreamed of. By the grace of your gravity shall I ever orbit thee, though you may yet never again care to look up at me.

______________________________

The Dark Menagerie No. 97

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[merakiui]

the basketball one w floyd is so!! ace as the ex would be so perfect bc i feel like him and floyd would get into it sm and fight over you fekkaqldk

Ace and Floyd rivalry is such a fun, chaotic thing to consider because they're the type to compare dick sizes in the locker room (Floyd is bigger by so much; Ace, you're not winning this no matter how much you wish you could) and they chase each other around the locker room, whipping their towels at each other. T_T they fight over you every time you come to watch them play, whether at practice or a game. Ace is like, "(Name)'s totally here to see me. And why wouldn't they? I'm great and I kick ass at basketball." And Floyd has the sleaziest smile ever because he probably rearranged your guts like,,, five minutes prior to the game and so he's like, "No chance, Crabby. Shrimpy's here for me 'n only me."

They're both so silly. I imagine when Ace was dating you first he was so smug and Floyd was in such a bad mood over it that he didn't even last two minutes on the court LOL. He definitely shook Ace down over it after the game, wanting to know what it was you see in him. Maybe Floyd just wants the things he can't have, so it's not even love at first. Maybe it's just lust or a way of messing with Ace for the fun of it. Floyd doesn't really understand it himself.

Also, they're the type to be like: "Whoever scores the most baskets has the biggest dick." and "Whoever does the most laps during warm-up is cooler." and "Whoever stays in the game longest is loved by (Name) more." That last one isn't fair because Floyd's never stayed in for an entire game. >:( but maybe he'll try just so he can win bragging rights and "Shrimpy loves me more" rights.

[hollow-vok]

Random sketches of Solya :3

I need him, but in a non-romantic way, I can't explain it...I just want to grab his sleeve like Agnieszka did in one chapter...its ridiculous how much I love him

[lost-my-sanity1]

the jaw clenching thing gemini does when in discomfort

Exhibit A: barely noticeable. from the front

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C: sideways. more visible

Exhibit D: best one. double jaw clench

oh adding on to the list

Exhibit E: with a lil 'ik what to do' smile at the end

Exhibit F: the frustrated 'forgive me now'

Exhibit G: the 'wait what's going on'

[wroteclassicaly]

Am I the only one who isn’t that bothered about JQ’s love life? I mean… I don’t know him, I don’t know what he’s actually like. So I can’t say shit, lol? I don’t know her, so I can’t say anything on her either. He’s grown and can do what he wants. I’ve got my own hot mess life to worry about 😂

It ain’t my business ✌🏻

[fauvester]

tgcf as a long rambling bedtime story shang qinghua tells xuejiao (because story time is one of the few times his little half-demon whelp will cuddle with him) intended to teach a spoiled ass ice prince the value of humility and goodness and dedication to the people. it backfires horrifically because XJ thinks that xie lian is extremely cringe and in true airplane fashion the epic bloodthirsty demon antagonist ends up being a supreme simp househusband. how does this keep happening to SQH

[vind3miat0r]

i love vega

.... i wont give a response to that statement on the basis that it might incriminate me