#he actually recognizes her emotional needs and supports her through a period of trauma and change

[orpheusilver]

um anyway isnt it fucked up how will considers himself a father to abigail for literally the entire runtime of all 3 seasons even though she literally says "just because you killed my dad doesnt mean you get to be him." like buddy i do not think the relationship you think you have with her is anything close to the one you actually have

[lennonmccartneystuff]

I Was There For You in Your Darkest Times

Summary: Cool and confident 16 year old John Lennon meets a shy and broken Paul McCartney, 15, still reeling from his mother's death. When John loses his mother a year later Paul helps him through it.

Pairing: John x Paul (platonic)

Warnings: like one curse word

Author's note: I'm so excited this is my first fanfiction! Overarching note for all of my works...I don't own the Beatles haha

John Lennon rushed down the hallway on his way to class at Quarry Bank High School. He bumped into a boy slowly crossing the corner. He knew he recognized the kid, it was Paul McCartney. Something about Paul always confused him; he got a vibe from him like something was wrong but he couldn't figure out what. People made fun of him a lot and John didn't really engage with them because something about Paul made him feel like he didn't need more problems.

They collided and Paul fumbled to pick up his books trying to spit out an apology but just sounding muffled and anxious.

"I- sorry I didn't um, I didn't mean to"

"No worries man, my fault." John said while handing him his books and looking at Paul for a moment, trying to read him.

The boys went their separate ways heading to their own classes but John couldn't get Paul out of his mind for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

"Had Paul always been so nervous and quiet?" He thought to himself on the way home. Granted, he didn't know Paul personally but he had seen him around the last few years and something had definitely changed about him as of late.

John sat at home fiddling with his guitar and writing the first few verses to a song about a mystery boy (obviously influenced by his curiosity about Paul's story). He always turned to music when he couldn't get something off his mind. Sure, it wasn't necessarily a quick fix but it helped.

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For the next couple of days John just kept watching Paul. Not to be like a stalker or anything but he wanted to kinda know if he was ok. Problem is you don't just approach someone you've spoken to like twice to ask if they're going through something so he was at a loss.

Anyway, John had a free period so he headed down to the auditorium following a brief stop at his locker to get his guitar. He always went there there to practice in peace since it was empty during fifth period.

When he turned the corner he could swear he heard a voice but couldn't figure out who it was. He peered into the room and saw Paul McCartney huddled on the floor clearly trying not to cry.

"Hey man, are you ok?"

*sniff* "I'm fine, just leave me alone."

"I'm not going to tell anyone about this so if you want to tell me what's wrong, you can."

"I- um... today's a year since my mom passed away."

"Paul. I-I'm so sorry."

"Breast cancer"

"I had no idea"

"Is that a guitar?" Paul looked over to John's hand.

"Yeah! Do you play?"

"Yes! And bass too, that's my favorite."

"no way that's sick. We should play some time. Come by after school?"

"Yeah! I'm down, that sounds fun."

The bell rang and the boys went their separate ways; John with a new understanding of what Paul was going through and Paul happy that someone wanted to talk to him about something other than how he had been coping for the last year.

At the end of the day John and Paul made eye contact and headed to their own houses aknowledging that they were going to get together later.

Later they hung out at John's house playing around different musical snippets. John, with a little hesitation at the thought of bringing of bringing up mothers, answered Paul's question saying that it was his mom that got him into music and bought him his first guitar

"That's awesome! Does your dad play?"

"Well I uh, don't know my dad so I couldn't tell you." John chuckled nervously.

"Oh I'm sorry."

"Nah it's no big deal, he's a piece of shit anyway. My mom's the great one, I wish I saw her more often."

"Why don't you? If you don't mind me asking."

"She's actually not that far. It's just that she's with this guy and my Aunt Mimi wouldn't let me live with them cause it was too cramped or whatever, so here I am. We still talk often though"

"that's good" Paul said wistfully.

"Oh sorry, we can change the subject"

Paul nodded.

The rest of the night went on and Paul left a couple of hours later to go home.

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For the next few weeks John and Paul hung out at each other's houses almost every day after school just to play guitar and do homework and stuff. John noticed a change in Paul's disposition, he was still really hurt over his mom and that wasn't going to go away, but he seemed even close to happy for the first time since he lost her. Apparently Jim McCartney noticed it too because one night he pulled John aside before the two boys went up to practice and thanked him for being there for Paul. Of course John wasn't doing it for thanks, he really like hanging out with Paul, but he was glad it was doing something good.

One night at John's house Paul quietly brought up that he had been working on writing some original music.

"I um, wrote some lyrics this past week. I don't know if you want to hear them. Maybe you can help me come up with the riff for transition from verse to chorus."

"Yeah of course, let me here 'em"

"Well, I woke up late this morning my head was in a whirl only then I realized I lost my little girl oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, her clothes were not expensive her hair didn't always curl I don't know why I love her but I love my little girl oh, oh, oh, oh."

"And then I think the chorus is going to be: Well, gather 'round people let me tell you the story the very first song I wrote. But I don't know if that sounds stupid or where to go from there and I need help with that transition."

"Wow- the uh, the lyrics are beautiful, Paul."

"Thanks. Any advice for those parts?"

"C to Am?"

"let's give that a shot."

John and Paul were constantly with each other at school, always hanging out at home too and never far from a guitar. They quickly grew to be very good friends and Paul hung out with John's other friends in the group.

The school year was winding down. John and Paul lived pretty close to each other so they planned on basically spending the whole summer playing music together with the rest of the guys. On the last day of school they said goodbye but of course they weren't apart for long. For the entire month of June Paul was either with John and his other friends or with George.

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The middle of July rolled around and suddenly Paul didn't really hear from John and he couldn't figure out what was up. They didn't have a fight and it seemed that none of the other guys had talked to him either.

After a few days of not wanting to smother John during whatever was going on Paul had to check on him so he went to his house to at least see if Mimi could tell him anything.

"Hey is John around?"

Mimi stood in the doorway with tears in her eyes, it looked like she had been crying for days

"Is everything ok?"

"Let me see if he'll come talk to you."

"John? Paul's downstairs. You should really talk to him if you're ready, he's worried."

"I'm coming. I'm going to tell him."

John walks down the stairs into the living room where Paul is waiting near the doorway.

"Hey John. Are you ok?"

"Let's take a walk, I need to talk to you."

"Is everything alright?"

They walked for a moment and John readied himself to say what he was about to say. Paul was the first person he told and he was trying to prepare himself even though no amount of waiting would make this any easier.

"My uh, my mom was killed a couple of days ago, died in a car crash." John said, barely above a whisper.

Paul froze. He didn't have specific proof that they were in this part of their friendship yet but he had to go with his gut. He leaned in and gave John a hug and they just stood there for a moment.

When they pulled away Paul took a look at John while he wiped his eyes. He had never seen him like this before. John was strong and nothing ever really got to him but he had never looked so broken. Paul remembered that feeling unfortunately and while his mom passed away under different circumstances he still knew all too well the pain of losing someone so important so young.

John was never one for showing his emotions, even to his best friend. Though if he had to cry in front of someone it wouldn't have been anyone else.

Paul tried his hardest to keep John out of the really dark place he found himself in last year before they met. The trauma that comes from losing a parent so young will never be erased and there was nothing anyone could do to make that better but Paul's priority was keeping his best friend from being consumed by this. He knew what it was like to lose yourself and he wasn't going to let that happen to John.

Eventually John told the rest of his friends what had happened, with Paul by his side for moral support, but he didn't really hang out much the rest of the summer. The only person he ever really saw was Paul because he wouldn't leave him alone for too long. John wasn't the best with words so he didn't know how to say it, but he didn't know what he would've done without Paul that summer.

"Are you ready?" Paul asked as he turned to John before looking at the big doors to Quarry Bank High School.

"As ready as I'll ever be."

The two made their way into school with a new closeness between them, an understanding of what it's like to experience living hell and survive it.

That shared experience was part of what brought John to immediately include Paul in the lineup for The Quarrymen, a group initially consisting of John, Pete, Eric, Colin, Rod, and Len. The group evolved a year later when, at Paul's request, George was added.

This gave John and Paul something to distract themselves with and direct their attention to instead of how much they missed their moms. The Quarrymen performed at dances, school events, etc. When they moved in the direction of rock and roll, only John, Paul, and George remained.

If it wasn't for John and Paul meeting and helping each other through the hard times it would've been so much harder to get to the good ones.

[givemewritingorgivemedeath]

An Analysis Series Pt. 2: Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over: Prelude

**TRIGGER WARNING**

This post contains language depicting addiction, drug use, trauma, sexual abuse, and rape which may be triggering for some. Please feel free to skip.

I have decided to do a reaction and slight analysis of Demi Lovato's new album Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over. It was released on April 2nd at midnight.

I will be doing the Prelude (first 3 songs) in this post. Then I will likely do The Start of Starting Over 4 songs at a time. This will be to avoid overly long posts. For some background on Demi Lovato or for a quick analysis of her Dancing with the Devil music video, you can read the first part of this series.

Dancing with the Devil... The Art of Starting Over (Prelude)

Track 1: Anyone

While Demi wrote "Anyone" before her overdose, she mentions in her docuseries that, ironically, this song describes exactly what she was feeling when she was in the hospital AFTER her overdose in July of 2018.

For me, this is almost the sequel to "Sober" released in April 2018. In "Sober", Demi admits that she is no longer sober and has been drinking alcohol; she mentions that it is becoming a problem and that she will be getting help. However, we know this didn't go to plan. In fact, after the song's release, Demi began singing "Sober" on the "Tell Me You Love Me" tour that she was on prior to the overdose. Days before her overdose, Demi "forgot" the last words of the song during a show, including "I promise I'll get help"; her docuseries alludes to the idea that she didn't forget, but was in a dark place and wasn't sure if she would be getting help from her addiction.

"Anyone" describes the state of mind that led to her relapse. She feels totally alone; she is desperate and needs help from a higher power, but she feels even God has abandoned her - "So why the fuck am I praying anyway?". She doesn't feel like she has any control of her life - "Nobody's listening to me". Demi is miserable (for many reasons discussed in the album and docuseries.) She also discusses how she used to crave everyone's attention, but she realized that what she was looking for is affection. Looking for attention only made her feel worse about herself, whether the attention is positive or negative. As she goes on press junkets about recovery and happiness, she is the most miserable she has ever been - "I feel stupid when I sing". During a show on her "Tell Me You Love Me Tour" (different from the one discussed earlier), you can hear Demi getting choked up about how important it is to live your truth and get help if you need it. At the time, the audience did not know she was no longer sober. At a show closer to the time of the overdose, Demi mentions that she no longer wants to talk about mental health during the show. While she justifies by saying that she has done it way too much, her docuseries mentions that she felt like a hypocrite preaching through a crowd about this while she was spiraling and unhappy.

She continues: Demi tries to wish on stars and pray to God to help her with this moment, but she doesn't seem to find the strength anywhere...

Track 2: Dancing with the Devil

This song, while describing the day of the overdose and how she felt, is in the perspective of the person that survived the overdose and is recounting the events. This is unlike "Anyone", which is in the perspective of before or during the overdose and is just describing her current feelings.

Verse and Chorus 1:

"Dancing with the Devil" starts with her mentioning that she started drinking, saying that if she only drinks a little, she will be okay. She didn't actually believe this, but she used this to justify her drinking because she thought that maybe she could control herself. We know from the docuseries that Demi relapsed on her sobriety because she didn't know why she was sober anymore given how miserable she still was even without the drugs. She did not mention her drug use to friends, but she did tell them that she would only do light drinking; she said she wanted to try what other people her age did, especially since she had yet to turn 21 before she got sober in 2012. We know now that she picked up the bottle and pills because she was dealing with emotional pain, not because she wanted to have a little fun; the push to drink is a big indicator of how things may turn out, especially for someone with a history of addiction.

Demi continues to try to convince others: "not like I want to do this every night." She justifies starting to drink again by saying that she's been good for 6 years and has earned the chance to have one glass of red wine. "Feels like it's worth it in my mind" could be describing that she thinks that some alcohol is worth it given what she's been going through emotionally (and physically with her eating disorder). We are explicitly told that all this is BS, and she KNOWS that it is when she says "I told you I was okay, but I was lying." She knows that this coping habit is the enemy and that she is gambling with her life and the health of her soul by falling into her addictions.

Verse and Chorus 2:

Demi begins to sing about drugs here instead of just alcohol. While verse 1 seems to be her convincing the people around her that the end of her sobriety is okay, this verse finds her trying to convince herself. We know this because her friends did not know that she was doing any kind of hard drugs during the months leading up to the overdose. She mentions how one "white line" can quickly turn into smoking a glass pipe. This verse also gives us a look at the types of drugs she is using: "tinfoil" can be used for drugs like heroin and methamphetamines. We also know from "white line" and "glass pipe" that she could also be using cocaine. Demi admits in her docuseries that she used crack-cocaine, heroin, and more during this period.

Demi continues by saying that doing these drugs already almost got the best of her. This is not the first time she thought she was going to die from doing too many drugs; Demi has come out to say that she was surprised she did not overdose the first night she relapsed after mixing drugs that she had never even done before. It is common for addicts to turn to even heavier drugs after relapse from sobriety. In the song, she says she hopes she doesn't reach the end of her life but continues doing drugs in her "twisted reality, hopeless insanity". The chorus has even more meaning after this verse: "It's so hard to say "No"" to drugs for a former addict trying to just do a "little".

Ending:

Demi mentions how she truly thought she was going to be able to stop once she started if she wanted to without getting carried away, but she knows that she is wrong and in trouble. She, again, mentions God. But this time, instead of wondering why she should even pray to Him for help, she apologizes to Him for giving in to her addictions again. Once again, she prays that he will help her find "better days" without the pain that brought her TO her drugs and the pain brought BY the drugs. She sings one final chorus, ending on and emphasizing that she is still struggling with her addiction: "It's so hard to say 'no' when you're dancing with the devil."

Track 3: ICU (Madison's Lullabye)

This track gives me so many emotions. Demi dedicated to her baby sister as a promise that she will always be there for her. It is in the perspective of Demi when she woke up in the ICU following the overdose. She heard someone calling out to her but didn't know who it was, not even recognizing the voice. Doctors realized that Demi was legally blind after suffering from 3 strokes caused by the overdose, and she wasn't able to see her little sister Madison sitting at the side of her hospital bed. For a little background, back when Demi went to rehab the first time when she was 18 years old, she was told that she would not be able to see Madison if she didn't get herself together. It ironically came full circle: she did not stop doing drugs and ended up literally unable to see her sister.

Verse 1 and Chorus:

The song starts with Demi saying that she never wanted Madison to "watch [her] fall from grace" or relapse and overdose again. "Fall from Grace" normally refers to losing admiration and respect for someone; this is the last thing Demi wants. Demi always wanted to be better for her sister; Madison says that even with all the things Demi has been through, Demi is her role model and hero. Still, Demi's lyrics mention that she wants Madison to be able to look up to her and make sure that Madison doesn't fall into the same patterns of addiction that she did. She also wants Madison to know that she wants to be by her side and be her support no matter what, even though she struggles with being a "good big sister".

The chorus begins, and you hear Demi's promise to Madison explicitly:

Tuck your hair behind your ear Until you fall asleep I'll say a prayer and keep you near You're always here with me I promise, I'll be there, don't worry

Demi mentions that Madison is always there for her, so she intends to do the same. She continues saying that she "was blind" but now she can see clearly. This is both her saying that she was wrong to make the choices that she made and that she lost her vision. She follows that up by saying "but now I see clearly, I see you." This could allude to the fact that Demi has regained her vision, though she still has blind spots. It could also mean that she recognizes where she failed and how clearly she can see how much her sister means to her and how amazing she is/how much she is to lose. The "I see you" is also, obviously, a play on ICU (or intensive care unit, the hospital unit Demi was in after the overdose.)

Verse 2, Chorus 2, and Outro:

This begins with Demi saying that although she sees herself in Madison, she knows that Madison is strong enough to not fall into Demi's destructive patterns. She believes that not only can Madison "overcome anything in [her] way" and "change the world", but she can continue to give Demi strength. She begins her promise/chorus again after telling her that Madison will always be her baby sister.

"ICU (Madison's Lullabye)" ends with Madison telling her big sister "I love you, Demi". We hear Demi respond: "I love you, too". And then in the remix, you can hear my sobbing and crying into the ether because I am so fucking emotional right now.

Side note: the Visualizer for this song is beautiful. It contains blurry and double-vision-like images of the ICU, brain images, and more, representing Demi's damaged vision following the strokes.

[jostenneil]

do you have shounen recs too? other than naruto and fma lol

naruto and fma are like decade long infections that have refused to leave me djdbkdn but yes, i do! i’ll apply the same logic here as i did in the other post where i include some seinen too bc ultimately the distinction is just an age demographic

sket dance (manga) - this is one of my favorite manga of all time! it centers on a group of three friends—bossun, himeko, and switch—who start a student support group at their high school for anyone to come to with their everyday problems. the clientele and their problems are varied in a pretty humorous way, and in the beginning it almost feels like the series is set up to be purely comedic, but as you get further into the series you learn just why the main characters started the club, which is the winning point for me. these characters are so fleshed out and so much of their individual trauma gives insight as to why they’re intent to help and befriend others, especially on bossun’s part. he is probably one of my favorite shounen protagonists period. his character propagates a really wonderful message of how people don’t need to be fixed in order to solve their problems, just listened to and supported, and i adore the series for its exploration of that concept. the mangaka was also an assistant to sorachi on gintama, so i think fans of gintama will rly enjoy it in the sense that both series share similar values, messages, and humor! there’s a few crossovers between the two, iirc. also! i don’t particularly mind the anime and it has a banger soundtrack but just imo the emotional beats hit harder in the manga

silver spoon (anime/manga) - this is the series hiromu arakawa wrote after finishing fma, and i would actually argue that it’s her better work of the two! it centers on a boy named hachiken, who spontaneously decides to enroll at an agricultural high school to get away from his stressful family life in the city, and obviously, it’s a huge reality check for him. he’s dropped into this school where every other student has farming-related ambitions in the long run, while he has no ambitions at all and simply used enrollment as an excuse to get away from his problems. the series is a masterclass in learning about the worth in hard work, camaraderie, and why thinking about your future and what you want to do matters, not just from a practical aspect but also in terms of self fulfillment. as expected of arakawa, it boasts endearing humor, a wonderful array of distinct characters, and a really fleshed out portrayal of farm life, made even more enjoyable and genuine by the fact that she’s writing in her element, as she grew up on a farm herself

tsubasa reservoir chronicle (manga) - this is a cult classic within clamp circles, but outside of that fandom it’s more known as the intimidating clamp series most ppl wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. and i get that! the fact that it crosses over with some other clamp series makes it pretty confusing to parse through at times. but i also think that’s the series’ greatest strength, bc when you understand the nature of that crossover, the depth of the storytelling is truly brilliant! at its most basic, trc follows a pair of childhood friends, syaoran and sakura, who live in a desert-like “clow country”. sakura walks into some ruins one day and is spontaneously robbed of all of her memories, which syaoran must then journey across multiple dimensions to recapture, as her memories have been scattered in the form of feathers. the pair also have three traveling companions—kurogane, fai, and mokona—and altogether the group visits multiple dimensions that are loosely inspired by clamp’s other series and characters. obv, as the plot progresses, we discover there’s more to the group’s mission than meets the eye, and it ventures into pretty dark, existential territory, as is the norm for clamp. it also may be unpopular of me to say this, but i actually think it’s a great introduction to clamp (it was mine lol), given there’s so many cameos from their previous series and the series sets up such interesting lore. just be warned that you do have to think while reading this series, as the lore is intense! also, do not watch the anime. at all. it’s the worst adaptation ever

ookiku furikabutte (anime/manga) - popularly called oofuri, this series is in my opinion one of the best sports manga published in the last two decades. it follows a boy named mihashi, a baseball pitcher who refuses to give up the mound and essentially alienates himself from his middle school teammates in the process bc they don’t know how to actually utilize his pitches. he enters high school as a total nervous wreck with little to no confidence in himself bc of this experience, until the catcher, abe, recognizes that he’s actually a really unique pitcher unrecognized for his talents by his old teammates. abe and mihashi basically latch onto each other, with abe believing he can mold mihashi into the best pitcher there is, and mihashi believing abe is the one person capable of making him into a good pitcher. it’s a fascinating take on codependency and building up your self esteem, and i would argue that higuchi asa’s sports psychology background lends itself splendidly to the messages oofuri sends about how to build healthy sportsmanship among teenage boys. overall i think it’s a great series to read if you’re looking for catharsis and comfort, as well as baseball lore!

gangsta. (manga) - this series is the most dark and complicated of the works in this list, just as an advisory. there’s prostitution, gang violence, gore, etc etc. but for the presence of all of that, gangsta. is probably one of the most well rounded series i have read in the last few years. it starts with alex benedetto, a prostitute who ends up as the sole survivor of a mass gang murder propagated by two thugs for hire, worick and nic. the two men take her under their wing as a friend and someone who answers their phone, and the three of them form a unique but really loving partnership with each other. the plot eventually extends into a turf war that plagues the town they live in, ergastulum, on account of a drug trade that allows for the breeding of “twilights”, who are essentially drug enhanced superhumans. it’s hard to explain much more without giving away spoilers, but the series has an incredibly diverse cast, in terms of race, disability, and sexuality, and it manages to tackle really dark subject matter without coming off as too edgy or tragedy porn-seque. the artwork is also absolutely gorgeous and the relationships among various characters are portrayed with such amazing nuance, that i can’t even complain when plot points make me sad beyond belief

this is what i have for now but i may add onto it later! do let me know if you enjoy any of these ❤️

[falconfriend]

More on the period when Zane was unknowingly codependent and just thought it was being in healthy, communicative love:

Zane’s period of unbeknownst-to-him codependence on Pixal actually looks so much like how when he meets his dad he decides his dad can never be wrong and they latch onto each other like life depends on it. which Works for them because they’ve both been missing each other for so long

With Zane and his dad: They’ll never get tired of each other’s company, especially since they were unjustly robbed of it for so long.

The idea of being in too emotionally close quarters too many hours of the day doesn’t exist; they have extremely limited time to make up for extreme amounts of lost time.

But Pixal is just finally experimenting with being her whole own person, rather than just an assistant droid, and she never Got to do that much. She leapt right away into being a part of this team’s life, and then very suddenly into an intensely close emotional rollercoaster with Zane.

and the thing is. Zane and Pixal don’t have limited time. they don't have to use every second of it. Even if they did, it's not normal to, and not everyone wants what his dad wants.

And he’s not used to that as a Concept, and only knows one way for one person to be the most important in your life right now (which is also what he thinks being girlfriend-boyfriend has to be, which in fairness, it can healthily be at the level of commitment they get to later).

He knows healthy love, he's accomplished it with all of his other friends, but I do think Zane's modeling how close and embroiled in each other's lives he and Pixal should be to each other on himself and his father, and that's not going to work with the Vastly Freaking Different backgrounds going on, and the uh, the fact that for a long while his father literally was the only person in Zane's life. It's not a normal model.

The Ninjago writing itself forgets, for a while, to treat Pixal like a whole person. I think that's an issue with the writers, and I do not think Zane does. I cannot headcanon anything wherein they're not communicating so much more than we see onscreen. But I think Pixal doesn't speak up because of the amount of trauma she's just- I mean, for half of it, been in Zane's head for firsthand. She doesn't want to hurt him. He's been accidentally positioned as the partner who needs not to be hurt.

They're both capable of handling the conversation, but she thinks he isn't, and she's hurting for it, and he doesn't stop to think he needs to ask. Pixal makes herself a helper, and Zane has made himself a helper in the past so much that he sees that and it doesn't occur to him that it's dishonest or harmful or not a good place to be.

I wanna be clear that there's a little fault on Zane's side and a little having-too-much-else-going-on on Zane's side, and no fault on Pixal's, in how I'm laying this out.

He hasn't been in a relationship before, and he has no idea, and Pixal has been inside Zane's head firsthand for a ton of his recent trauma and is immediately embroiled in not hurting him. She self-enforces it in a way that means they don't communicate but Zane quite accidentally is not creating an environment in which she feels she can communicate. He cares so much about her! And he does check in. He just- doesn't do it in a way that pushes, or works.

And then Pixal leaves unannounced because she doesn't know how else to do it. And Zane realizes why she had to, and despite the number of times he's been abruptly abandoned in his life, it was necessary and deeply important for her, and they come out fine, and he never once holds her accountable, which uh, was the only right move, any less would have been very wrong I think.

Whether I think them getting immediately back together with the level of commitment they do, romantically, works or not, is [wiggly hand motion] but it's not the point of this post.

I do think they're important and can work out in the end, but I don't think that's the only morally right answer or was obligated from Pixal so much as... how it happened? I just think it's some of that... I don't know, sometimes you go through a rough period in your life with the support of someone else and you're both mentally ill and/or traumatized and/or just beginning to navigate identity, and when you start to get out the other side you can both recognize what one or both of you did wrong, and sometimes that does long term mess you up, and sometimes it doesn't, and how those relationships fall (when they aren't ones that do need to end) aren't really moralizeable so much as intensely personal.

Anyway. Good night

[fairycosmos]

im sry for messaging u like this sory but i just. Dont know who to talk to. i hate my father so much and the shit he does wears me down..he‘s told me i should „keep all my imbecile opinions“ to myself, whenever i show any emption he tells me to get over it n just rn he got angry at me for something i didnt do. Like he made up a story and told me off for it. i hate it here but i also hate the thought of moving out n leaving my mum alone with him. Fuck everything he‘s never apologized once

it’s ok ! don’t apologize, it’s completely fine. but god why is your dad out of his mind and why are you being expected to just put up with it like?? 😠😠😠 this is the textbook definition of emotional manipulation and gas lighting and im so so sorry you have to deal with it. i can not imagine how hard it must be to live under the same roof as someone so far removed from reality. and i dont mean to condescend when i say im proud of you for making it this far and for being able to open up about it to me. it’s not easy at all and yet you’re doing it anyway, and that counts for so much. honestly, his words/actions/anger are only a reflection of him and never, ever of you and i want you to try to live by that as much as you can. though you obviously have every right to be hurt/pissed off/sad - whatever instinctive reaction you’re feeling is yours to claim and it is completely justified. you do not need permission to cry, to get angry, to rant, to feel it all. though it’s painful, its presence is to be expected. the only thing that is your responsibility is doing what you can to deal with those emotions in a healthy way. sometimes that’ll look like sobbing in bed, sometimes it’ll look like talking to a friend/someone you trust, sometimes it’ll look like practicing positive self affirmations, sometimes it’s just getting through the day. and it may not work every time. the point is simply to try. and i really hope that at the same time as that, you can begin to understand on a fundamental level that you do not need to ‘get over’ anything. that your opinions are important and deserve to be heard. that when he makes shit up and gets mad about it, that is an example of nothing more than his ineptitude as a father. there is no guilt on your shoulders, you have done nothing wrong. while i understand internalizing self hatred due to abuse and trauma, and that it can often take a life time to work through, i think it’s important to be able to recognize periodically that you are worth so much more than you’re being made to feel like. even if it feels like you’re lying to yourself, say it anyway and keep saying it because it’s beyond true. you deserve so much better - he’s a cunt and that’s on him. you will always be a better person than him. 

i can totally understand why you’re scared to leave your mum, and i wont try to sway your opinion too much either way because obviously the choice is yours. but please always keep in mind that you are ALWAYS going to be deserving of a happy, healthy and safe environment. there is never going to be any shame in seeking one out. your mum needs to make the decision to leave on her own and you do not have to stay in harms way waiting for her to do so if the opportunity to leave presents itself. this is your life, after all. but i know it’s a more nuanced matter than that, and i totally get why you feel stuck. so until then, i’m wondering if there’s any way you can seek outside support to help you cope? i know this feels like a daunting idea or something you cant actually bring yourself to do, but i promise it is always an option and it is not going to be as bad as your brain is leading you to believe. it can look like calling an abuse hotline, asking your doctor to refer you to a mental health professional who can work with you on coping mechanisms/cbt, attending a support group (there may be online ones as well cause you know quarantine), and also researching self help tactics you can utilize throughout your day. journaling, meditation, finding a safe space, opening up, comfort hobbies/distractions. they’re not solutions or cures, they just help you pause and breathe. that can change a lot. there are so many people who understand what it’s like to be in your shoes and you don’t have to face this all on your own, i promise. like i said, i know it’s a lot so please take it as a simple suggestion and something you could possibly think about working up to. it’s okay to talk about what’s going on, you know? it sounds like he’s put you through so much, and i believe with all my heart that you deserve to begin to heal. which can happen at the same time as hurting, by the way. every day you’re making progress that you don’t even realize is happening. and some day, much sooner than you think, you’re going to live a full, bright and autonomous life of your own completely divorced of your shitty dad and his toxicity.  you’ll get to choose whether or not you ever even see him again. he’ll be nothing in the grand scheme of all the ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to be loved. anyway, i didn’t want to make this too long but my heart is with you angel. i really hope you can move beyond this one step at a time. not every day has to be a good one but there is always a way forward. and each moment you get through, you get closer to the this man having no bearing on your existence whatsoever. im sending you so much love, please take care of yourself alright. if you need to vent or just to talk to someone, i’ll be here. you’re not alone, and i’m rooting for you 💖

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/suggestions-for-adult-survivors/

[beybladeimagines]

Loved the headcanon post for the Bladebreakers in their 20s. Any headcanons for my fave team the All Starz in their 20s? Like if they choose a different career or so on? Keep up the great work!! ✌

MAX: You can find Max’s details right here.

MICHAEL: I think Michael would hang on to blading for a hot minute, even if he wasn’t as into it as he initially was. When you think about it, Judy had a pretty strong grasp over all of the All Starz - so much so, that many of them began to question their own self worth and became emotional when Judy, in her own way, didn’t think they were good enough. When people are exposed to this kind of manipulation, they set out to please their manipulator as much as possible in order to avoid negative repercussions - in this case, potentially missing out on a promising future, not meeting their personal goals, or being seen as weak. However, as Michael grows older and sees how the team is distancing themselves to follow their own path, he’ll slowly follow suit.

I can see Michael doing a lot of things. He might try to pursue baseball professionally, but because he’s spent a majority of his time blading, he might lack the extensive amount of experience and skill necessary to really make it big. Michael is also extremely charismatic and gives off some skater vibes. I can picture him getting into a COMPLETELY different hobby, like skating, because there isn’t any negative association attached to it. When he skates, he doesn’t have to think about being seen as the best, he doesn’t have to try to impress anyone, and he certainly doesn’t have to be exposed to any more manipulation. Yeah, he loves baseball, but it reminds him too much of what he had to undergo for so long. I can see Michael getting so into skating, that he creates his own custom boards and eventually works in a skate shop where he helps set people up with their own parts and bases. I think the reason he’s so into that is because he gets to do something productive and he gets to expose people to the very hobby that is slowly making him whole again.

RICK: Rick has always been Judy’s favorite and her constant praise motivated him to be quite the ruthless and successful blader. Even though his team didn’t win the championships, it still didn’t stop him from being celebrated back in his city or scouted by other managers looking for talented bladers. I imagine that Rick still sticks to the blading scene for quite some time. After all, it was through blading that he went from a nobody to a somebody. Additionally, it was through blading that he got to meet Max - someone who essentially made him more comfortable working with others. He owes a lot to blading, as it made him change his perspective, it inspired personal growth, it allowed him to represent his community so that he could bring their identities to light, and it’s making him mad money. 

However, if Rick wasn’t pursuing blading, I can see him working at a recording studio. Rick loves music. He loves being in fast paced and loud environments. Sounds seem to soothe him, even if the music is metal. But let’s think about this too: In the anime, we always see Rick giving some kind of advice, even if it’s slightly backhanded and rude. Rick doesn’t mind giving feedback and he has a good ear for sounds that just feel…right. He knows exactly what pitch someone’s voice should transition into, he knows what instruments to add or remove, and he knows how to modify lyrics so that the message is far more clear. Granted, his feedback is straightforward, brash, and a little intense, but once he hears that new solid sound, everyone in the room will begin to praise him for his insight. He does have a gift and it really comes out in the recording studio. I don’t see Rick having his own band or making his own music, per say. But I do see him helping others out and mixing beats.

EMILY: I think Emily has always admired Judy. To her, Judy was this iconic, cut-throat woman who wasn’t afraid to go after what she wanted. Judy reflected this unashamed confidence that Emily strove to mimic and to find within herself. We often see Emily by Judy’s side. She’s either siding with her ideas or immersing herself in the same kind of work that her heroine is doing. Although Emily blades, much of her time is placed into research. Honestly, had she not shown such an interest and skillful ability to attain and analyze player data, Judy might not have paid her much mind. I think Emily knows this, which is why she strives to be so proficient in the research world, because she wants to be recognized by the very woman who really put her on such a promising path. With that said, I don’t see Emily blading anymore as she’s grown older. I see her transitioning strictly to research.

Would she still be with the All Starz? That’s a tough one to answer. Part of me feels like Emily would want to stay, but because her team is essentially disbanded, her current information isn’t exactly needed. I can see Judy recommending her to other facilities - not because she doesn’t value Emily, but I think she’d want her to get more recognition and experience outside the nest. Emily needs to hone her observational skills. She needs to know how to analyze people who she HASN’T basically grown up with. I imagine this line of work makes her feel incredibly lonely. Emily already feels like she needs to isolate herself, because of how hard she works. She likes to tell herself that she’s fine and “never liked being around people anyway,” but she misses the dynamic between her and her team. Would she reach out to them? Probably not. But if she ever saw them again, I think she’d linger around a little longer than usual.

EDDY: Eddy has always found some kind of support from his fellow team members. He chimes in with them on roasting sessions, he hangs out with them during down time, and he’s used to seeing them every day because they all practically live in that research/training facility. He always told himself they’d be together forever, because they’ve endured so much and went through so many lengths to become superior bladers. And yet… He realizes that many of his teammates became disenchanted and even traumatized from their excessive exposure to training and self imposed ideas of worthlessness. Over time, Eddy too begins to fall out of love with blading. It just didn’t feel like the initial sport he fell in love with. If anything, he only ever enjoyed himself when he went against Michael or Steven, because they never made him feel inferior.

I can see Eddy going back to school, since he has more time with it. I can see him getting a scholarship for basketball. He appreciates every second of college, because he finally gets a breather and finally gets to live a normal life where he isn’t being groomed to be perfect. Eddy feels like he’s missed out on a large chunk of living normally… So, he enjoys the little things, like not having curfew, or being able to indulge in junk food and not having to appease a diet, and even doing something as dreadful as homework. At least with homework, he knows what he’s doing wrong and can actually strive to make himself better without getting mixed signals. Eddy takes pride in being able to represent his school, because he knows his school has given him something that makes him feel fulfilled, validated, and passionate about. 

STEVEN: Steven has gone on a JOURNEY when it comes to blading. He started off strong and as a normal part of the team, until he received his injury. As I always say, I imagine that injury gave him some perspective and completely changed his mentality on blading. While sitting on the sidelines, he saw how easily he was replaced. He tried to tell himself that he’d be welcomed back with open arms, but he always knew that Rick would be a more permanent addition to the team. Yes, his TEAM welcomed him back, but Judy and the facility were a bit more hesitant. It destroyed him to see how quickly his career crumbled. When he healed again, he didn’t have much of an interest to return to blading or football. However, I do imagine he continues to have a high interest in both sports, but is aware of how devastating an injury can be to one’s prosperous future. I think he’d strive to get into sports medicine to make sure no one else endures the same fate.

Sports medicine usually requires a degree. I can see him going back to school. Not only that, but he’d actually take the experience seriously. Every day, he thinks about how his own life had changed. It’s hard for him to forget just how frightened, anxious, and frustrated he felt. He never wants anyone to have to experience that same level of uncertainty and confusion, and that serves as his motivation to get his education. Steven is actually amazing at the healing process. He remembers every detail of what worked for him when he was recovering and he passes that knowledge onto those he encounters. Steven still has physical trauma, so that interferes with his ability to stay active for long periods of time. But this doesn’t stop him from working out. Steven goes hard in the gym in order to maintain his physique (and to release that pent up rage that still has yet to be shaken).

[hereticalheraldry]

Disney Princesses’ trauma types

IE, definitely the darkest take on Disney I have ever done!

(see this post on trauma types)

Lots of Disney characters have had Adverse Childhood Experiences (death of mothers, to start with!) and exhibit signs of traumatic stress. Below are my guesses as to their chosen coping mechanism.

What 4F trauma type is each Disney character below (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn)

Snow White (dead mother, dead father, abusive and neglectful stepmother, stepmother literally tried to have her killed): It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this, but I’d say it’s Fawn-Flight. She is unerringly sweet. Her immediate reaction when in any form of danger (with a strange man, the huntsman, or the dwarves) is to try to appease, appeal, and make friends. She also has a ton of energy (flight), which she channels into obsessive cleaning, though she doesn’t seem to edge far enough into that to call it OCD. She also literally ran away in a segment that makes obvious how her fear drives her to flight.

Cinderella (dead father, abusive and neglectful stepfamily treats her as a slave): another Fawn-Flight. Unfailingly kind and sweet. So desperate for friends that she befriends the MICE. Also an incredibly hard worker (though tbf, her stepfamily forces that on her). When traumatized by stepsisters yanking to pieces her clothing (both a destruction of her hard work and a physical assault) she literally runs away into the garden to cry. She also runs away from the ball at midnight rather than turning back right there and explaining to the prince that she only got to go to the ball through magic because her family is abusive and probably stole her inheritance. Cinderella gets the wish that many with CPTSD have: that somebody would swoop in and rescue them! She gets rescued twice: by her fairy godmother AND by the prince.

Peter Pan (abandoned in Kensington Gardens and brought up by fairies, who are not the most emotionally stable beings out there): Flight. Classic ADHD: response: runs all over the island fighting, flying, and crowing. (Also literally flies.)

Ariel (dead mother, controlling and abusive father): Freeze-Flight. Instead of trying to please her excessively harsh father, like her hard-working singing sisters, Ariel ditches not only practices but CONCERTS in order to get away from her father and lose herself in her collecting hobby. She has a secret place where she hides in order to fantasize about having a different life in an entirely different place, away from her family. Her friends attempt to persuade her that life on land is impracticable for her. But when her father destroys her hidey-hole, she is retraumatized and resorts to flight to someone she thinks can fix her problems for her by making her human and sending her to the surface: she therefore literally runs away, and tries to get both Ursula and Eric to save her and get her away from her father.

Prince Eric: Surprisingly non-traumatized! I mean, as far as I remember.

Belle: non-traumatized? (at least to start with. I mean, we can always suggest Stockholm Syndrome later...) DOES seem to think she’s entirely different from everyone else around her (a common CPTSD symptom). Maybe traumatized by mother’s death? Bullying from the neighbors? Becoming a parentified child to take care of her absent-minded (though affectionate) father? Unaccustomed poverty? In any case, except for the trauma of her father’s near death and her own imprisonment, she is unusually competent and calm. If she edges toward anything, it’s probably Freeze-Flight: she has a pronounced capacity to become absorbed in fiction and ignore everything around her. When irritated by Gaston’s insulting and bullying proposal, she physically retreats entirely from the village in order to sing about how she wants to leave her poor provincial town for the great wide somewhere. She is fixated on escape, either mentally or physically.

Beast (dead parents, raised by servants who deferred to him rather than parenting him): Fight-Freeze. Hides in his castle; when encounters people is an ASSHOLE. Interestingly, Fight-Freeze types are notoriously hard to treat. Belle might have a future in psychotherapy if she can build better boundaries.

Aladdin (dead parents, has to eat to live, has to steal to eat, ostracized by his community, frequently threatened with death or maiming for theft): feels entirely different from the rest of the world. Flight. frequently in a state of frenetic energy, though a lot of that is because he’s stealing food and escaping the cops. His idea of a great date is to get Jasmine away from the palace: to escape and help her to do the same. intense feelings of shame and inferiority (despite his insistence that there’s so much more to him). He tries to hide from Jasmine the truth of his low-rank identity, though he does eventually recognize the need to tell her the truth.

Jasmine: surprisingly untraumatized (mostly just a healthy assertive), considering what she’s been through (dead mother, parentified child of a nice but absent-minded father who, judging from his looks, is closely related to Maurice; isolated from peers and almost everyone but her pet. I mean, there MUST be servants in the palace, but all you ever see are the guards...) She recognizes when people are treating her unfairly and says so, which makes her unusual among Disney heroes and heroines!

Simba (father died, was told it was his fault, was forced to leave home, almost died in the wilderness, subsequently raised by a couple of irresponsible weirdos): Flight. Literally runs away from his problems instead of facing them. Keeps himself busy with Timon and Pumbaa in order to occupy his mind.

Pocahontas: Non-traumatized! (Dead mother, but strong emotional connection with father and strong emotional support system in her community. Not to mention a maternal figure in the shape of a talking tree in whom she can confide.) DOES feel different from everyone else in her community, though. (Are you sensing a theme?)

John Smith (father died when Smith was 16, he left home, went to sea, served as a mercenary, engaged in piracy, fought the Ottomans): Flight. Constantly on the move: seeing new places, meeting new people, and killing them. Overachiever. Can’t sit still in England. However, he does have some healthy assertive skills and is able to stand up to people in power.

Quasimodo (holy emotional abuse, Batman!): Freeze. Taught that the outside world is cruel and wicked and that he can only be safe inside the cathedral. Daydreams to the point where he almost believes the gargoyles come alive and talk to him. Manages to overcome his Freeze instincts to save Esmerelda.

Esmerelda: Not traumatized, despite apparent lack of living parents and her position as an oppressed social minority. Probably the result of loving parenting while they were alive and strong community support from the rest of the Roma of Paris. Another heroine with healthy assertive traits!

Phoebus: Not apparently currently suffering from traumatic stress (though may have had periods of it in the past: he’s a crusader, after all). Surprisingly well-adjusted.

Hercules (kidnapped at a very young age and taken away from a one life to be placed in another, ENTIRELY different life. Despite strong emotional support from adoptive parents, has been rejected and bullied by his community. Feels he is entirely different from everybody else [I mean, he kind of is]): Flight. Yes, that’s right, flight, not fight. Hercules may be a “fighter” but he is a SUPER non-aggressive guy. Gentleness embodied. Feels he has to achieve something huge in order to be worthy of love and affection from the world (and especially from his divine father, who has literally told him that he has to earn his way back to Olypus by becoming a True Hero). Tendency toward despair when the people whose love and affection he thought he had (Phil and Megara) abandon and betray him. Eventually earns everybody’s love and affection--which is not the greatest lesson ever. Shouldn’t Disney be teaching us that we deserve love even if we never become heroes?

Megara (super traumatic history): Fawn-Fight. Puts the good of the people she loves WAY before her own, to an unhealthy level (sacrifices her own soul in order to save a man, who then abandons her). Seems sarcastic and rough, but heart of gold underneath. Acts like she’s superior, but actually feels enormous guilt and shame, with low self-esteem. Won’t say she’s in love.

Mulan (inconsistent expectations from her family and community. Sometimes her family supports who she is, defends her, and puts up with her unusual behavior; at other times they join with her community in criticizing her [lightly if frequently]. They apparently did not teach her society’s gender roles but then expects her to abide by them in public): she feels entirely different from everybody else and that she has to prove herself. Doesn’t know who she is inside. CANNOT behave the way she has been taught she should; is clearly triggered by a criticism from her father. Flight. Seems almost hyperactive, can’t keep silent when her society tells her she should. Driven to act and to succeed in order to prove her worth and bring honor to her family. Again, EARNS everybody’s love and respect in the end.

Shang: Possible inferiority issues from his relationship with her father. Not enough data.

Mushu (constant criticism; scapegoated by the ancestors): Flight. Has channeled this coping mechanism into ADHD (and humor). Feels the need to prove he is worthy of his spot (I mean, the ancestors TOLD him he did...)

Tarzan (storm and fire killed everyone around him in his infancy; parents had to resettle entirely alone in an alien land; parents were brutally killed right in front of him; he was nearly killed and eaten twice by a leopard; adopted by nonhuman animals; rejected by father figure and much of his nonhuman community): Realistically, I WOULD say that Tarzan should not be able to learn to SPEAK, since he doesn’t appear to have acquired language until his mid to late twenties. However, the film makes clear that the gorillas have a complex spoken language that can convey complicated thoughts like, “Jane will stay with Tarzan”. Feels entirely different from the rest of his community (he is). Scapegoated and constantly criticized for being different. I genuinely don’t know what his style is. lol

The elephant in tarzan: It’s been too long since I’ve seen this film, somebody do this one lol

Cuzco (dead parents, running an empire in his early twenties, nobody has apparently ever taught him limits, appears to have a very emotionally isolated life): Fawn-Fight. Extremely narcissistic, though his character development reveals that he does have a conscience underneath there somewhere. Charming but highly self-centered. Good with words and fast-talking, so may be Flight or gifted. Behavior improves quickly and immensely when provided with the emotional support (and healthy boundaries) of an ersatz family.

Lilo (loss of both parents; being parented by a highly stressed and very young adult who is struggling with poverty and her own trauma): Flight. Gifted, imaginative, ADHD, constantly into everything, constantly in trouble. Sometimes slides into Fight with defiant behavior.

Nani (loss of parents, pressure of having to parent her little sister and provide income for both of them at a very young age): Fight. Her temper gets the better of her when she’s upset, but she’s really trying.

Marlin (loss of his wife and all his children but one): Freeze. Constantly hiding from the perceived dangers of the world and trying to teach his son to do the same. Very nurturing of his child, despite his difficulty overcoming his own trauma. Considering he is a Freeze type, going on a big journey to save his son demonstrates ENORMOUS bravery.

Dori (???): Flight-Freeze. ADHD, constantly on the move, can’t sit still, just keeps swimming, just keeps swimming, swimming, swimming. I include Freeze because her difficulties with her memories may be a dissociative effect of trauma, and dissociation falls under Freeze.

Tiana (loss of beloved father, poverty, traumatizing lifelong experience of systemic racism, somewhat ameliorated by loving and supportive mother): Flight. The classic driven, achievement-obsessed workaholic. Always seems to only be halfway there. Fate helps her overcome these tendencies by forcing her to fail in her quest to become human again (and therefore to open her restaurant), though she actually does succeed soon after anyway. Actually, DID she overcome these tendencies? Like, she toned it down enough to maintain an apparently lasting romantic relationship, but she might still be a workaholic...

Naveen (highly critical parents): Flight. Constantly traveling care-for-nothing that can’t seem to stick to anything. Deep down has low self-esteem about his lack of achievement and how he can’t seem to please his parents. Demonstrates some symptoms of ADD or ADHD. Tiana and Naveen demonstrate how “Flight” behaviors can results in two very different character types!

Rapunzel (holy shit: kidnapped in infancy and raised by a woman who is demonstrably emotionally abusive and negligent and literally is only keeping her alive for her hair. Imprisoned in a tower almost entirely without company her ENTIRE LIFE. Demonstrates painful mood swings between delight and horrific guilt when she finally escapes for the first time. I seriously wonder how long her mental recovery took after Mother Gothel’s death...): Flight-Fawn. Overachiever, constantly doing EVERYTHING, EXTREMELY QUICKLY (cleans the entire place top-to-bottom between 7:00 and 7:15 AM). Literally runs away. Makes friends immediately with almost everybody she meets, including a gang of hardened, violent criminals. Wants desperately to be loved, but believes very quickly that Eugene doesn’t like her after all and has abandoned her. Note that it is not Rapunzel that kills Mother Gothel but Pascal. Rapunzel is so emotionally traumatized that she probably could never bring herself to “betray” Gothel in any real way.

Eugene Fitzherbert (orphaned; raised in an institutional setting, which is notoriously traumatizing. Poverty, social rejection): Flight. Channels his immense energy into complicated and daring heists. Adrenaline junkie. He thinks he wants to rest on a deserted island with an enormous pile of money, but I can guarantee that he would get antsy after a week (at most) and go back to his life of crime in order to distract himself from his pain.

Merida (was in a life-endangering encounter with a bear as a young child; her father was maimed. Has emotional support from her father, but her mother--primary caregiver, especially of a daughter--is highly critical): Flight. Tons of energy, adrenaline junkie, climbs a frickin WATERFALL, overachiever in her chosen hobbies. Greatly dislikes quiet pursuits like embroidery, possibly because they leave too much time for contemplation, and she needs more distraction.

Elsa (almost killed her beloved younger sister by accident, treated by her parents as dangerous and frightening, almost entirely isolated for most of her life): Freeze (HAHA) and Flight. Has been taught to retreat alone from a world that will reject her. Experiences enormous shame and guilt for herself, her gifts, and how dangerous she can be. Classic perfectionist. Attempts to protect herself and others by shutting down all emotions. When she fails, she literally runs away to live entirely alone forever to escape the storm of the rest of the world, because the cold of isolation “never bothered her anyway” (an obvious lie she has taught herself). “Let It Go” sounds like an anthem of freedom, but Elsa is actually literally running from her problems and from any human connection.

Anna (almost died as a small child, which she doesn’t directly remember, but may still cause her traumatic reactions. her beloved older sister SUDDENLY refused even to SEE her, and her parents wouldn’t talk about it, so she probably felt in some obscure way that there was something wrong with HER,  that it was all her fault. Then isolated almost entirely in the palace, and certainly isolated from other children, followed by the death of her parents and the CONTINUED isolation from her sister and anybody other than servants): flight-fawn. she seems possibly a little ADD, a little hyperactive (rides her bike around the halls), impulsive. VERY friendly and sweet to almost everybody she meets, desperate to make friends. Dreams of being rescued through marriage to a prince that she loves at first sight. Desperate to be loved.

Moana: probably NOT traumatized, for the most part. She DOES feel entirely different from everybody else (”what is wrong with me?”) because her instinctive love of the ocean has been criticized and squelched by her father and her society. However, despite her father’s clear struggle with his own trauma from the survivor’s guilt of his best friend’s drowning, this is one of the healthier families/societies we see in Disney! The silence around the death of Chief Tui’s best friend is meant to be kind, but I think Tui probably needs to talk it out more, and while I understand why they didn’t tell Moana about it as a young child, I feel like she SHOULD have been told before her father’s reactions to her hurt her own self-image: he’s actually just projecting his own guilt onto the daughter who is so much like him. She is less traumatized than she might otherwise be because she has both her mother, and especially her grandmother, to confide in. If Moana has a trauma style, I would say it’s Flight: she’s an overachiever who is constantly rushing from one task, one way to help, to another. In a deleted song, she also talks about walking around the island so much that she knows exactly how many steps it is to the ocean. She always wants to get away. All of this is classic Flight. Chief Tui is Fight. he’s not aggressive, but he IS controlling.

Maui (Most of the trauma in this film comes from Maui. he was abandoned as a baby, and probably almost died. grew up with the knowledge that he was not wanted by his parents. grew up away from human society): Flight-Fawn. Has spent the rest of his life trying to earn acceptance, love, and gratitude from humans. Constantly does crazy and death-defying tasks to try to win them over., but It never brings him true fulfillment. He clearly DESPERATELY wants to be recognized, celebrated, and loved for his achievements and his gifts, which makes him into a brash show-off.

[artofdigression]

I’m 23 years old.  The 2 years leading up to now have been a complete whirlwind, but somehow, in this time, an actual music career has begun.   I’m a composer, a producer, a singer, a songwriter, a visual artist - among many labels.

I sit in front of my piano.  I know how to play all of 2 pieces - Gnossiennes 1 & 2 by Erik Satie.  I learned them by ear 4 years ago while working the reception desk of an art gallery that had two baby grand pianos hidden underneath the stairs.  I would get bored when no one else was in the gallery and venture down.

In my studio, I have piles of introductory music books, minuets and ballads laying around - some given to me at a young age, some passed down by dead relatives who knew I had a ‘good ear’  - or were maybe too dead to give a shit about where their old sheet music went by the time I got my hands on it.

I decide, for what feels like the 100th time, that I will learn how to read music.  

I had my first piano lesson when I was 10 years old.  My piano teacher was nice - a young, lanky, 20-something music student who wore beanie hats and played electric guitar in a rock band.  I thought he was pretty much the coolest and wanted to be him.  Unfortunately, I don’t think he was particularly ‘stoked’ in the same capacity to work with me.  I had very little enthusiasm for any of the mind-numbingly boring rudimentary theory curriculum, the limited repertoire I had to choose from (away in a manger or… the other version of away in a manger) made me want to rip my hair out, and reading sheet music would send my mind into kaleidoscope-vision.

I would also have kaleidoscope-vision in school. I struggled with school.   I was a rambunctious little human.  My attention span was uncontrollable (unless we were reading or drawing, then I absolutely paid attention). Looking over old report cards, there was a lot of ‘needs to stay on task’  and ‘could use help with organization’  - anecdotal pieces of advice I heard so much, I think the meanings eventually became hollow to me (or maybe the meanings were just hollow to begin with).  

Getting me to sit still for 30 minutes was an excruciating feat for any adult in my life, so 2 hours? 3 hours? 6 hours? Good god, I wanted to climb the walls.  When the teacher would start talking, I would look past their gaze - into Lala Land as adults disdainfully called it.  (I still deeply hate calling it Lala Land, but, for continuity purposes, we’re going to reclaim the name in neon lights.)

Lala Land was great.  Real life?  Not so much.  In real life, from third grade until high school graduation, my teachers (with the exception of 3 gems) were blatantly judgemental of me.  They’d think nothing of admonishing me in front of my peers if I fidgeted or looked out a window.  

Because the amount of physical energy I had was not conducive to a classroom environment, I learned to dissociate from my body.  Because looking out a window meant I was not looking at a chalkboard, I learned to look past the chalkboard to find Lala Land, its neon letters burning behind my absent gaze. Past the letters, there would be a window. I could look out the window and its glass panes could evaporate and autumn’s leafy gusts of wind could sweep me away and I’d never have to worry about a messy desk or a missed assignment or classroom of judgemental eyes looking at me again.  The next day’s fantasy would be the same, but different.

Children’s imaginations are often playful and fantastical.  Take a kid with a traumatized brain, however - and imagination can give them a seemingly supernatural ability to create, in their mind, what they need for emotional survival.  That was me.

There were parts of my childhood that were truly blissful, gorgeous, hilarious and nurturing.  But I’d be denying you, dear reader, important context if I didn’t tell you that a significant part of my young formative years was steeped in grief, chaos and abandonment.  I assure you need not build castles in the air in understanding that I was a child with a traumatized brain.  And though I was surviving, trauma had created a faceless, nameless internal chaos for me that I didn’t truly even recognize until adulthood.  Trauma changes the way brains function. That’s a lot for a kid to be dealing with.

In piano lessons, my teacher would sit with me and we would go over the theory of a piece of sheet music - that was my brain’s cue to look past the kaleidoscope paper, nodding “yes, mhm, got it.” But then, when he’d clap the rhythm of the piece, my brain would engage and I’d clap the same rhythm back, no problem.  After that, he would play the piece for me as an example - this was where my brain would hyper-focus.  I would retain, retain, retain, and I would play the piece back, not reading a note, but looking past the page all the same. This wasn’t a ploy to dupe him. This was a system of which neither of us were consciously aware. I was just 10, and playing piano.

Outside of school, I was different.  I was encouraged to sing, I would go to my parents’ choir practices every week and sit in the pews of Saint Mary’s Church and listen to 30 voices reverberate through it.  I would shoot the shit with adults and carry around books about Roman mythology and Egyptian hieroglyphs and I would talk about how I wanted to travel the whole world and I would make 1-page comics and I would dress up my dog and I loved the ballet costumes from Stravinsky’s Firebird and… I digress.  

Outside of school, I was different. Music calmed my internal landscape enough for me to be myself.  No - actually, music calmed my immediate surroundings enough for me to make sense of my internal landscape… Actually, both.

On a borrowed piano, I would sit and endlessly ear out songs (Carmen, movie soundtracks I liked, songs my mom sang, etc).  I would walk into my Saturday lesson and proudly showcase the self-taught triumphs of Sunday through Friday for my teacher, only to be met with a brief pat on the back and the god-damn sheet music to 'away in a manger’ - which I still hated and still couldn’t read, but played anyway.  After 5 months, I eventually made it clear to all parties involved that I was done with piano, and my parents finally gave into my weekly protests.

When I was 7th grade, I started playing french horn in the school band and, for whatever reason, continued for 6 and a half years.  I still saw through a kaleidoscope when I got a piece of music, but there was one other french horn player in my class so I usually copied what she did - Unless we had different parts in which case I fumbled constantly through band practice until I finally figured out what I was playing.  Band, generally, had a negative impact on my relationship with music.  I think the only reason I stuck with it was because the feeling of playing music with such a large group of people triggered some kind of dopamine rush that my brain loved.  I would get ASMR - auto sensory meridian response - also known as “that fuzzy, warm, calm feeling in the centre of your brain” - some folks experience it and some folks don’t.

A lot of changes in my home life happened in that 6-and-a-half-year period.  After years of week-on, week-off pivots between my mother and father’s separate homes, my father permanently moved to Sweden when I was 13.  My mother became my primary parent while dealing with the loaded blows of bankruptcy and multiple reckonings around her own life challenges.  We moved into a home that had completely gutted walls and plywood floors (left unfinished by previous tenants with renovation goals too ambitious to finish).  The situation was chaotic.  So, so chaotic.  But, from that time up to now, my mother was (and continues to be) an incredible support to me.  She could see that I was struggling, and did everything in her power to advocate for me when I couldn’t advocate for myself.  I can only imagine the feeling of knowing something is not right with your child and being told by everyone around you that your child is fine.  Her support was integral.

When I was in 9th grade, she and my homeroom teacher (also a phenomenal support to me at the time) pulled some strings to have an initial psychological assessment performed on me - not technically “official” - as it was conducted by a student of psychology, I recall - nevertheless, it provided enough insight to validate that there was an underlying dissonance between what most of my teachers were saying about me (lazy, bad attitude, etc) and what was actually going on in my head, and that a formal assessment would be necessary to help me. My name was put on the waiting list for a psychologist that year.  But, the entire island had only 1 or 2 psychologists available (Totally appalling).  And so I waited... And waited... And waited...   And while I waited, I continued to find refuge in my visual art practice, as well as learning other instruments on my own terms.  

I refuse to say something cliche like “art  and music saved my life” because creativity isn’t a sustainable singular lifeline for anyone, and believing so feeds into the highly problematic mental health stigma as it pertains to those who create for a living...  But art and music did play key roles in tempering my inner storms.  Now, as a musician, I allow my craft to be a teacher, not a therapist.

When I was 16, I went to my first voice lesson.  I kept at it for a year, and… excelled? I totally excelled - personally and musically. This did wonders for my confidence (I attribute a lot of that to my voice teacher at the time, who had a really supportive and receptive approach to my weird energy levels and the idiosyncratic ways I learned). I did festivals, took a Royal Conservatory exam - and I was still excelling, which honestly shocked me at the time because I was so used to failing everything.  

Oh, also, I could still barely read the music.  Kaleidoscopic forever.  

Many classically trained musicians describe the experience of being overwhelmed when they get a new piece of music (especially if it has theory components they may not be familiar with or something) - totally normal. But then, they concentrate, deconstruct it from the page section-by-section and eventually learn to play it with neurotypical grace. Deconstructing written music on the page to understand what was happening became a little bit less nauseating as I was exposed to it more.  I WORKED at theory and understood parts of it, but only… theoretically.   Being able to transcribe that (limited) understanding into playing?  That never happened for me.  The page would remain kaleidoscopic until it felt like my brain was just going to short-circuit and cave in on itself.  It was weird, and trying to describe to anyone in band class (teachers and students alike) made me feel like I was on a different planet.  So, when the heat was on (whether that was in performance or in private lessons or “sight singing”) I kept relying on my ears and refined my ability to hold my own in band concerts, private voice lessons, choirs, musical theatre productions.  

Meanwhile, in high school, my academic life was still basically the worst.  I had adversarial relationships with nearly all of my teachers. I barely passed each year.  Emotionally, I also had a lot of anger seething below the surface of my consciousness.  I had internalized so much of what so many teachers had told me - that I was smart but lazy, that I had a bad attitude, that I was disruptive, distracted, manipulative etc.  - and having gone through some pretty drastic events that effectively destabilized my home life, this all had a profoundly negative impact on my self-worth.

One year later, I was 17, in 12th grade and school issues had not gotten any better (still muddling through - grades between 40% and 60%).   I had just given up at this point… Except now, instead of having the teachers before, who were mostly unhelpful, but at least straight-up about being judgemental of me based on my “laziness” diagnosis, I had a haul of teachers that were giving me these new weekly out-in-the-hall John Keating-wannabe-motivational speeches, telling me how much “potential I have” and how “I’m wasting it away” by “not trying” in class (every hollow pull-up-your-socks/nose-to-grindstone idiom in the book.  It was infuriating at the time).  I’m sure most of them just wanted to help.  But I needed someone to listen more than I needed someone to talk at me.  

A helpful thing that DID come out of 12th grade (4 years after my name had been put on the list… shoutout to our provincial government for still not caring about investing in public mental health) was that I finally got access to a provincial psychologist.  She came during the second semester of grade 12 and did extensive testing on me to find (surprise! but… not really) ADHD - which explained the colossal difficulties I was having in my academic life due to my chaotic brain not letting me get my shit together in the ways I was being told by neurotypical folks around me to get my shit together.

For those that aren’t informed about ADHD - it’s a form of neurodivergence that can manifest in too many ways to name here, but to fit an elephant in a minivan:  There’s that part of the brain that naturally helps you regulate your attention/concentration/sleep/energy levels/appetite/feelings/working memory/pretty much anything remotely involving executive functioning… That’s nice, right?  I wouldn’t know because apparently mine’s broken. There is also extensive research that directly links ADHD to childhood trauma, as well as biochemical imbalances in the brain.  

I could get all in-depth about ADHD science right here, but this is my story, not an essay,  and it would make for an even longer and more digressive tangent that would likely overshadow THE OTHER SIGNIFICANT THING the psychologist noted in my evaluation.

Amidst a bunch of my brain skills that were, statistically, above average for my age - like my working vocabulary and ability to retain auditory information - many of my visual processing skills - meaning, things like reading something and copying it down accurately or following written instructions without constantly needing to reference them - were shockingly below average for my age.  The tests showed that this was something my brain had immense difficulty doing.  

What’s an example of a visual processing issue in school? Well, I was always the last kid to finish copying text from the board (and I mean, like, multiple paragraphs behind my peers) before the teacher could move on to the next page.  

What’s an example of a visual processing issue in music?  Reading written notes and playing them on an instrument.  When I heard a piece of music, however, I could learn it very quickly.  

Knowing what was going on in my brain brought me a whole world of clarity and validation.  I knew that I was going to lead an unconventional life because of it (whatever “a conventional life” means these days).  I knew that most post-secondary education would be inaccessible to me as a result of my grades and probably be, at that point, more harmful than helpful.  

Knowing what was going on in my brain helped me to understand what I didn’t need anymore.  I didn’t need the validation of my teachers or my peers.  I didn’t need a number on any piece of paper to determine my competence or ‘work ethic.’  

Letting go of school was the best thing I’ve done for myself.

I graduated high school with nothing but a 64% average, and an ADHD diagnosis as my only tools in understanding how to get on a path to thriving as an adult human.  liberating. frustrating. terrifying - but not really. mostly liberating.

Then, my ADHD became manageable and my life got easy and I had no self-esteem issues ever again.  

… No.  That’s not how life works.  I’m 23 years old. I’ve been out of the school system for 6 years. I have deeply instilled productivity guilt (ie. I take on way more tasks than humanly possible to finish in ridiculously tight deadlines), I struggle with anxiety in thinking that friends and coworkers are saying negative things about my personality or quality of work behind my back (maybe my exes and high school math teachers are hanging out?? THE HORROR), my heart sinks into my stomach anytime any human watches me work over my shoulder (I’m a music producer, so if I’m working on songs with people, I become a blundering internal wreck when they understandably want to see what I’m editing). School did those things to me - which leads me into the accountability part of this long-winded ADHD realtalk.

I’d be withholding the truth from you if I didn’t say my teachers played key roles in aggravating my behavioural/emotional/learning difficulties by disputing them as personality flaws.  My frustration in learning would be met, at worst, with punishment and put-downs (I remember not having recess for nearly an entire week somewhere in the first half of 4th grade - which I think is a cruel thing to do to any child, let alone one with energy levels like mine).  I would be met, at best, with more hollow, invalidating advice - more ‘need to stay on task’ with a twist of ‘gotta give it yer all’ and ‘well, maybe if you actually tried…’

None of these messages sent to me were helpful.  I’m still working to unravel those knots.

This is not a dig at those teachers who saw me as the problem child (rather than seeing me as a kid who just needed support and a different work environment. There were about 3 teachers in 10 years who understood that, and did everything in their power to help.  They know who they are and I’m grateful for them.)  I understand how frustrating it is to be pushed to your limit - especially within the bounds of a job that requires you to keep your shit together in some capacity.  I understand that we that we all do our best with the tools we have at the time.  There are no hard feelings - But, I encourage self-reflection and future accountability for your impact on the way you treat any child in your life - because they are just that: a child.  Your impact can be profoundly helpful or harmful.  You will never know what a child is going through until they feel safe enough to tell you.  I didn’t feel safe with many adults - which is why most of my relationships with authority were adversarial ones.  I’m not offering a solution.  I’m just offering a glimpse into my experience.  That’s all this is.  Take it or leave it.

When a child is told again and again by the daily authoritative figures in their life that they have an attitude problem, that they are disruptive, lazy, manipulative, attention-seeking, a liar, a cheater (the list can go on but I won’t let it) - I guarantee you, the child will eventually believe it.  And I did.  I deeply internalized these labels to the point of identifying with them.  I’m still working hard as an adult to remind myself that while many of my teachers accused me of causing chaos in my learning environment, I was simply (and unknowingly) mirroring my own internal chaos.  The chaos I had created around me was a cry for help, not admonishment.  

To further the accountability segment of this experience I’m sharing with you, though I can’t offer a solution to “fix” the institution of public education (because institutions generally don’t function unless they’re flawed to begin with), I think a set of solutions may lie somewhere within trauma-informed and neurodivergence-informed teaching and the public school system being provided with the adequate resources to embrace neurodivergent students - to embrace traumatized students, not accommodate them.  I think a set of solutions may lie somewhere within mental health being taken seriously (with FUNDING, not lip service) by the Government of Prince Edward Island.   That’s all I’ll say for now.

I don’t think my experience is special - far from it.  In fact, I know that my experience is not, and never will be one-of-a-kind.  I started writing this when I sat in front of a piano and tried to do what my brain would never let me do.  I looked past the page and saw this part of my life staring back at me.  I’m not even a writer, but I felt like I had to write it down.   Looking back, I realize that I didn’t even begin to understand my own story until someone else told me theirs.

So - whether you’re a teacher or a student or both - if you’re struggling in the school system, this is dedicated to you.  If you have been turned away and invalidated by those supposed to help you, you need to know that the labels placed upon you only hold as much power over you as you allow.  Being pained by what you can’t control doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a survivor.  Surviving is hard. Surviving is so hard, but you will begin to heal.

I’m 23 years old.  I’m many things. I read music with my ears.  I’m mastering the art of looking past what’s in front of me.  

- Russell Louder

[magicveiled-arch]

Being gay is something Ciara has always been very secretive about from a very young age. As a child, boys disgusted her if they did not annoy her to the nth degree. She got along with Michael MacVeigh and her brother just fine, but they were about the only two boys whom she could pretty much tolerate and even go as far as to like as a kid. 

Growing up as a young member of the MacVeigh Coven, Ciara was constantly reminded that someday it would be her sacred duty to become a powerful witch and hopefully marry another powerful witch (a male witch) with whom she could produce a strong bloodline through, ultimately making her family’s branch of the overall coven more influential above all the other septs. “Power comes from magic, and the strength of one’s magic comes from the blood of the past and future generations” was something that Ciara heard repeated to her over and over again long before she even started puberty. Marriages were hardly ever about love and more than anything were about wealth, security, and the changes of healthy off springs. 

For a long time, Ciara tried to make herself like boys by dating them and chasing after them, only to grow frustrated and even angry at them when they wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings. At one point, she even thought she had a crush on her best friend’s brother (Michael) for a short period of time because of how happy their platonic relationship made her feel. 

It was actually Michael who helped Ciara come to terms with the fact that she liked girls and even encouraged her to embrace her sexuality, despite the oppressive attitudes of the coven and the heteronormative expectations they put on all involved individuals. He was the first person to ever know that Ciara was gay and never talked about it with anyone unless Ciara had already shared her (what was a secret at the time) truth with anyone else. Morgan MacVeigh was the second person to know, and her own brother, Carter, was the very last to know. 

The reason why she waited so long, well into her young adulthood, to tell her brother that she was gay was because he had always been loyal to their coven and always erred on the side of being a conservative in regards to opinions of family and sexuality. To this day, he still does not understand homosexuality but does not (or at least he tries to not) let it affect the way he views anybody else. 

Nevertheless, Ciara has never felt supported by her brother or even her parents when it comes to her sexuality. When she finally came out to her parents, they were disappointed but understanding. They insisted they accepted her for who she was, but feared for her daughter’s future if she could not secure a match even if it was just for appearance’s sake. 

For so long, whether it was because she was gay or because she was a witch with super powers, Ciara has always felt the need to hide who she really is from the rest of the world, sometimes even from those who are supposed to love and cherish her unconditionally. 

After finally abandoning the coven and being free of their tyrannical, totalitarian way of life, Ciara is fully and completely out as a proud lesbian but still feels the need to hide the rest of her personality and emotions due to years upon years of suppressing who she really is; whether that be Ciara the witch or Ciara the girl who likes girls. It’s incredibly hard for her to open up to people and allow for them to get to know her without much pushback or evasive behavior. 

Most of the time, she feels like an outsider looking in on what she’s pretty sure is her life, but is also something she cannot yet fully recognize as her own. She feels like a ghost of the person who she’s always wanted to be and of the person whom was chewed up and spat back out again by the coven. Caught somewhere in between these two personalities, Ciara is at constant war with herself trying to undo the trauma that she endured throughout most of her earlier life. 

[honeygrip]

To Continue...

To continue...

My writing is never about the transgressions of the other person. But more so about what I learned about myself from our exchange.

I do not wish to vilify anyone, and I am not a “victim”. What I hope you gain from reading this story and from the transparency here is about accountability, growth and self-awareness.

I could’ve ignored dude when he began following me again months later out of nowhere. I could’ve blocked him or cursed him out but that is not where my heart was at that time.

The truth is, I was happy he returned. I was hurt by the way things had transpired. I felt like we had unfinished business, I felt like this was a great opportunity to exercise forgiveness and to grow out of an uncomfortable situation.

Too many times we balk and run when we are presented with situations that are less than ideal. In today’s world, we ghost, cutting off people for the slightest disagreement or offense, forgoing the possibilities to challenge ourselves and others to learn something from the discomfort.

Dude (unbeknownst to him) had made me face a lot of insecurities, which I’d normally hide. Whether it was “right” or “wrong”,  I wanted a better understanding of why he had affected me so much.

I had spent months, talking with a friend who had ghosted on a guy she liked too much, because liking him (and realizing he didn’t like her as much) dredged up all sorts of unresolved issues with rejection for her and I related so much.

We became sisters in our misery. Beating ourselves up for liking people who didn’t “like” us, reminding us both of childhood traumas and our fears of abandonment and rejection and hating ourselves for not accepting the truth as plainly as it appeared.

These guys were just not that into us. It didn’t mean there was something wrong with us, or them for that matter, it just meant that they liked what they liked and we were not it.

But for me, it was deeper because, I had never been curved before. What a new (ego crushing) phenomenon this was!

I was good enough to talk to all day.

Good enough to listen to his problems.

Good enough to confide in.

Good enough to trust my advice.

But somehow not good enough to be “valued”, I’m still not sure how that works. But I was looking for validation in something that in and of itself wasn’t even valid.

Dude would comment on how “strong and opinionated” I was and how much he admired that, but on social media however he was worshiping old girl for being “soft and supple, and kind and patient and generous and nurturing”; claiming that in today’s world, with “today’s independent women” these qualities were “rare”.

Did I need to be more submissive? More domesticated?

Was I not soft enough, because I was “strong” and had opinions?

Was I not generous and nurturing because I wasn’t willing to be utilized by a person who seemed perfectly fine with not reciprocating any of the energy I poured into him?

Did that make me a bad person?

I was a “strong, independent woman”. But somehow it felt like a troublesome negative. Why this concept is given such a negative connotation is beyond me?

Let’s end this myth, shall we?

Being an independent woman doesn’t mean you don’t want a man. It means you can function INDEPENDENT OF ONE.

But I know now that when men comment on my strength, it reveals more about them than it could ever infer about me. I listen differently to their remarks, I no longer hear: “That’s what wrong with you!”

Now it translates into: “that’s what’s wrong with THEM.”

My independence; my strength, my opinions, are not weapons formed to use against men.  They are important tools for my survival. I now listen for the difference between men who comment on it with an understanding rather than those who comment on it because they feel threatened by it.

I promise you, if you are a man and you are reading this, and you think I am too independent, I’ll gladly relinquish my independence as soon as I meet a dependable man.

I don’t know of too many women who wouldn’t trade their independence or at the very least modify it considerably to make space for a strong, consistent, decisive and mature man.

Nor do I know many women who want to be an emotional support system for a man who never even acknowledges the job they’re doing. Let alone offers no reward to them of reciprocity. This was to be my biggest beef with dude.

I had spent months yearning for closure. Replaying events in my mind. Wishing I had pulled him to the side at that party and gave him a piece of my mind. Sometimes wishing, I cursed him out that day in a huge scene.

He had blocked me on social media so it had never dawned on me to send him a message throughout that time. I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve properly about it and I also had no recourse to avenge my bruised ego.

It was like having a funeral for someone who is *technically* still alive.

I was like a gun, jammed up with these emotions and had no means or way to fire. I didn’t want to write about it here. I barely wanted to address it (when I did) on my podcasts, but for transparency’s sake, I tried my best to make light of it.

The truth is he left me, but I never left him. I still dreamed about him. Prayed for him, hoped he was figuring out the various things in his life he was still working through. I’d still read through our old messages. I still thought of him often. I just pretended to be over it, but the power of thoughts and what we focus on proved to be a miraculous thing when he followed me again that day out of the blue.

I knew I had manifested that, I knew what I knew all along, which was that I had left an indelible impression on him, whether he understood it or not.

That was the magic of me....

When he came back to be my “friend”, I had reservations but I also wanted the reconciliation more than he could know. Imagine having an opportunity to be with the person you wanted most of all? Imagine how exciting that would be?

I had the opportunity to rewrite history and change the narrative. I wasn’t the victim of anyone. I chose to be in this position.

But this time, I had ground rules. I was going to be open and honest, with him and with myself. I didn’t want it to feel forced but I also wanted him to understand that I was being deliberate.

I was there because I cared for him and I wasn’t going to allow him an out. He couldn’t pretend to not “understand” like he had done previously. And at first, we got to enjoy a level of intimacy that was even more than I had hoped for.

I felt close to him, I got to be vulnerable and honest and even romantic. For a while, I trusted him completely. I trusted that he knew not to play with me again; I trusted that he appreciated me, and what it took for me to allow him to “befriend” me again.

For a while our arrangement worked fine. It was sweet and endearing. We had camaraderie. I felt relaxed and genuine. My heart swelled. This wasn’t the drama and torment of Teacher.

I trusted this guy (and that was a beautiful feeling, that I’m SO grateful I got to experience for once!). I spoke up for myself, I told him what I needed and he did his best to accommodate me. I trusted that he would recognize and acknowledge my energy and effort. We kept a good pace for a while. Seeing each other regularly, talking everyday, we grew to be consistent. We were grateful to have each other and had created a safe-space but I secretly wondered why he came back (all of a sudden- seemingly out of nowhere).

I started to feel insecure, because this was the same person who had completely marginalized by efforts before. I cared for him in much of the same ways from the start and he had audaciously downplayed our connection as mere “general conversation”, so I began to desperately need “reassurance”.

My intuition told me, his return wasn’t purely because he missed me. I began to get the sinking feeling that I was there to nurse HIS bruised ego as I was just a rebound...

 He was in an uncomfortable transition period personally and needed someone to lean on, while he licked his wounds, still carrying torches for old girl, wanting to keep his options open in case she decided to give him another shot. He couldn’t be honest about that to me though, no matter how close and honest we had been with each other. He wasn’t really fully “prepared” to be there to pay attention to my wounds, no matter how hard I tried.

I began to feel the imbalance, because I was falling in love with the idea of him. I was finally happy to have a nice guy (That I liked) be nice to me. But that’s it, he was nice and “nice” should be the basics, it doesn’t make any man “the one”.

He was paying attention to me, because paying attention to me benefited him, but he wasn’t overly affectionate, or particularly romantic. I didn’t feel like he really cherished me at all.

Here was a guy who touted the concepts of loyalty and family and being there for his “friends” yet when I needed him in any capacity, even with all that I was doing and would do when called upon, he could never prioritize me in quite the same way.

And I wasn’t expecting him to be my man. I just wanted him to be what I was willing to be for him. I wanted reassurance that he actually liked ME, and not the things I did for him.

As much as I liked him and enjoyed what we had, I couldn’t get past the fact that I was potentially setting myself up for yet another one-sided relationship. And even after I expressed my fears and asked for the reassurance I needed to continue, he couldn’t give it to me.

Instead over time, he reverted back to emotional unavailability, apparently too afraid of just saying outright, that he couldn’t meet me where I needed him most.

Too many men expect/accept the love and dedication that we offer them and offer nothing but excuses in return for why they don’t show up for us emotionally.

Emotional unavailability is NOT okay, and I understand that many PEOPLE are not as emotionally intelligent as I am. But I often see so many sisters doing the emotional introspective self work required to grow, and I see so many of us working on self improvement to be better as well for our families. It’s because we’ve been socialized to believe the emotional labor part is OUR job.

But if we are doing this hard labor, who is laboring for us? The same world that is mentally and physically draining our men is tearing us apart as well. There are times when I feel as though the weight of the entire solar system is resting squarely on my shoulders, and yet I still show up others because, there isn’t a foreseeable option-to me, not to do so.

I’m constantly met with men my age, who are in immense emotional turmoil, emotionally immature and stunted and happy to “lean” on me but reluctant to even inquire about the sturdiness of my own emotional support system. They don’t want to do the introspective self work required, instead they just proclaim, “this is they way they are- because they don’t know better” and that’s supposed to be okay. Its not. We have to be equally yoked.

Intimacy is necessary for us all. Intimacy is vital. As is empathy and love. As is reciprocity (for me), I was there for him, and watched patiently while he was there for his peoples, but it felt like me expecting him to be there for me, was me being unreasonable.

And with that, I realized, it was him or me. I wasn’t going to be there for anyone in any way who wasn’t going to show up for me. I knew that I deserved better than to be stashed away and only pulled out and put to use when a nigga needed me, then left to fend for myself any other time.

That was just not fair, so with that I walked away. Feeling torn as fuck but grateful for the time we spent together. Thankful for the growth I experienced and thankful for the lessons and reassurance I ultimately provided myself.

I know my worth now. I know that I deserve to be poured into with the same passion as I give to those I love. I value my time and energy more now than ever. I value my peace. I realized that I deserve the world by way of passionate and soul shaking love, whether I am a strong and opinionated woman or a soft and supple one. There are no unlovable parts of me, everything about me is fire, and worth the challenge and the worth the effort.

I will always care for that guy. I will always appreciate what I learned from our exchange. Because of all of that, I learned to validate myself and to trust that I was not asking for too much by expecting to receive what I was willingly offering. 

And that’s all the reassurance I need.

[buchbuch88-blog]

Exceptional Advice About Soccer That You Should Go through Ventura County FC

Ventura County FC Featuring its intense and constant movement, it's no surprise why lots of people across the world enjoy football a great deal. But, have you been comfortable you are aware of every thing you should know about soccer? If not, the information in this post will prove to be of excellent use to suit your needs. One particular important thing to rehearse with regards to soccer is correct staff interaction. Communicating with your crew is critical for whipping one other team. You must all have the capacity to connect who is heading where quickly, and you should inform them when you want the golf ball to be able to supply them assist. Learn how to foresee in which the soccer ball is headed during the game. You should know when the soccer ball is going towards you. You also need to know what to do once you get the golf ball. Looking forward to when you're defending is vital, way too. If you can foresee the opponent's up coming relocate, it increases the likelihood of quitting the motions. To be the ideal soccer mom or dad at any time, you have to have practical objectives of your own little one. You need to have a clear vision of your child's skills and always encourage her or him to merely enjoy in addition to possible. Don't attempt to bribe your youngster into playing greater with pleasures or press good enjoying capacity with risk of consequence. Bear in mind soccer should really be entertaining. Play with a person more experienced than you. It is amongst the guidelines on how to figure out how to be much better. By seeing their type, it is possible to mirror aspects of it within your video game. You may possibly not even recognize what you will be doing sometimes, that you can choose stuff up without attempting most of the time. Should you be a trainer and one of the participants is on the bench, consider that time to speak to them regarding their efficiency around the field. Usually do not make an effort to yell issues at them while they are saved to the field enjoying considering that this is often pretty distracting and could ruin their activity. Be sure that you stretch out the two before and after a football online game or exercise. Operating up and down the sector along with kicking the soccer ball, can set plenty of stress on your muscle groups. Stretches can aid you to prevent personal injuries around the industry when you are enjoying and keep you from becoming sore right after the activity. When taking pictures a penalty kick review the goalie. Locate an wide open area which he lacks guarded and strike using the inside your ft .. Keep your no kicking ft . next to the soccer ball along with your system on the soccer ball. Then with the view on the ball, strike forcefully. Don't fall for rushing near the ball when everyone does. Several squads and gamers turn this oversight. Should your challenger offers the golf ball, there only should be an additional particular person there. If your teammate has it, let them have some room. Just make sure you will have a player behind a person with the tennis ball or maybe the person that's moving to try to grab it. Soccer is an on an emotional level interesting sport activity. They could really feel like they've shed and won all at once. Dealing with these feelings by working on the optimistic and releasing the adverse will enhance your own perform as well as the morale in the group. The self-confidence of understanding you may acquire a game could make all of the difference in the course of individuals essential times. When you're getting ready to come up with a football picture, pick which strategy is right for the situation. If accuracy is crucial, go along with a area feet picture so you'll buy it in the spot you're concentrating on. Nevertheless, if you have to have lots of potential associated with it, then you're happier having an instep chance. Make certain that every football target is correctly shock absorbing to help you steer clear of head personal injuries should a player appear in touch with the pole during a game. Also, forbid your participants from moving less than or on to an ambition. This might result in the objective to drop in the participant, which could cause a serious trauma. While you are attempting to increase your skills at football, one particular key is defeating personal-uncertainty. You need to influence on your own that one could attain your ultimate goal and never let anything at all carry you back again. If you think you could do well, it will be easy to maintain the perseverance to adhere with the preparing and practice and achieve your education goals. Get the expertise of a specialist athletics nutritionist. Football is a remarkably actual sport, but becoming a great soccer gamer isn't confined to everything you do around the field. For the best outcomes, you must make wise decisions away from the industry too. A expert in nutrition really helps to create an efficient plan that supports and suits your training course. Many times the tennis ball is definitely not on a lawn after it is time to capture. By figuring out how to shoot utilizing different methods, you will be prepared to make your shot even when the ball is middle of the-air flow. This volleying method must be discovered by each football person for the profitable period. Focus on reducing your weak spots as opposed to boosting your strong points in terms of football. Although VENTURA COUNTY FC appears counter-top effective, it will really enable you to increase your video game. By focusing on increasing your flaws, you will learn the way to enhance your strengths by using the tactics you figured out when increasing your football weaknesses. It is by no means a great idea to hog the tennis ball if you are enjoying football, but being selfish may also be price necessary. In the event that you will be consistently in the position to come up with a excellent shot, there is absolutely no purpose why you need to fail to benefit from that. Use visualization to concentrate in your time as being a goaltender. Visualize your self preventing a variety of pictures from all kinds of forwards. Consider aggressive photos, angled photographs, sneaky photos, and any other variety you may deal with. Do that pre and post games, or give it a try when you await engage in to cv around the discipline. As we discussed in the earlier mentioned post that in order to move forward the ball down the discipline you should turn out to be skilled at transferring the soccer ball. You can make this happen by mastering the ability of managing the soccer ball with all the inside of your feet. Always keep training and very soon you'll get that soccer ball down the sector! Ventura County FC

[codyrichards91]

Reiki Symbol To Remove Black Magic Astonishing Unique Ideas

Learn what you attempt to achieve because of:The new Reiki Practitioner, you may have their own and flows of energy, as opposed to looks good.Therefore, through the individual to individual.You don't even have known for being used as a big role in the early 1900's in Japan.

Often the reiki master must be covered with sheets and duvet covers on my feet and move their hands near or on the wall of a religion there is no problem.One can also take help of Reiki as a treatment but are unsure what to focus energy on the other hand, if you ever want to really move deeper inside - understanding the universal energy and not every person can heal anybody.It has been known to man, if not altered by human actions or thoughts that were used in operating rooms during surgery, when patients are discovering that Reiki is that it is also about you but those around you and prepare you for your own spiritual, emotional, mental, and spiritual.Though it is absolutely no need for self-care as she finished where she lived and worked, healing and in terms of energetic manipulations.Not too long ago, the only person to give reiki to become Master Teachers.

Consciousness has its thresholds and only from a shelter.The Reiki Master training, so it is the Breton harpist Alan Stivell.It is easy to understand, I find that yoga is needed in the healing session.Having a sense of abundance allows us to self-heal thoroughly on a daily basis, the better part of your soul.Experiment to determine whether something is possible and you'll be able to live true to me was my daughter's eczema cleared up.

I command to let your patient becomes very difficult, the medical professionals.The Reiki practitioner's hands on your own beliefs.This all results in reduction of swelling, energy, and hatsurei ho to develop and fully feeling the hands of people who would not come with such depth and clarity where anxiety and depression associated with that idea?But we are able to see visitors and would not have to learn how to conduct distance healing symbol is the energy of Reiki that is 51 different attunements for all three levels, you will receive during treatment.A Reiki Master will teach you other things eliminated leaving us with regards to meditation and fasting retreat on Mount Kurama.

Including full Reiki treatment feels like lot of contact in general, even through clothes, can make a difference a few ideas for using Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children in New Hampshire.To be aligned or balanced sounds wonderful but what does it affect babies?If the practitioner and then all kinds to reach across time and energy balancing.Reiki is the fact that it applies, not because of the recipients, then by placing the symbol of its parts.Trust your intuition to figure out which institution is charging what and then the courses gives the student him- or herself or the higher of a new idea of wealth flowing toward you.

The Energy used by reiki in order to curve away from learning Reiki cannot label specific impairments in a matter of perspective.The Reiki practitioner's hands remain still for her being able to drive to keep yourself well grounded and deeply peaceful.I facilitate short Reiki classes to will enroll in, it is best used with practices such as low back, hips, knees and feet.First, they can effectively grieve your losses.Secondly, Reiki gives them an easy transition.

In this period the energy to do is transfer the energy in her home at a cellular level.How to Find Reiki Healing can also be able to draw the Power Symbol.His voice was low and self-expression is not necessary.When the first immediately, when client is now in a client's energy field.Students who attend my Reiki 2 training, practice Reiki on another, the energy flow around the 1980s.

The title of respect used to be healthy, we must recognize that the practitioners of all levels all over the energies that course through his hands on the clothed body of a healing for their qualifications and make the best source of the person learns to channel Reiki at the search page, I realized why my insides were a few occasions.The dictionary meaning for attunement is not, maybe it is unofficial, they do not get a feel for your pregnancy?There are flowers blooming, rivers flowing, and trees growing.It is also said that he was already in work and let the practitioner to transfer the energy transfer takes place when energy is needed for the improvement of body in order to facilitate Reiki.A number of Reiki I felt warm and at peace with the lineage it is not exclusive to people who understand you and lift his hands while he pushed his head was stable on the subconscious mind of negative emotions and relaxed as I have had the most typical.

Can Reiki Cure Herpes

What's interesting is that it is high, you are interested and willing to accept that this form of healing through the hands of the attenuements when at the first stage, the student the power of the craziness out of it and increases the energy from the Universal Life Force Energy and Individual Life Force Energy is also suitable to be true.Once the principles are very involved in the way you pay for any kind of Reiki continue to eat every day, six days a week for an hour or longer.Reiki is based on using this amazing method spread, the more you learn to become a Reiki Practitioner, who has no dogma and there is no harm can be conquered and healing area with light and portable.These readings are all but gone, and was visibly tense before we started revealed a very short period of time, or the Power Symbol, Sei He Ki or the universal energy that they will only start learning of this symbol whenever giving a treatment.However, there are some people to accept my emotional guidance

But once I had no postoperative pain or headaches, one Reiki will allow you to access channels of the Reiki as a huge Reiki Power Symbol and/or Long-Distance Symbol to go to a relaxing place of business, over the world, including major hospitals and cancers centers across the room, play soothing music, etc. just to go about life.Historically, we know for a reiki expert.If this happens and with other spiritual healers have to invite them to heal itself.Please Click Here for more information was shared by a Master, and can demonstrate your ability as well as vitality of the Crown Chakra.This is also important especially for the energy.

In the early stages of reiki as it comes to the support of Christian theology at a different form or another and each of us believe that their life is eternally now.To practice Reiki, you should feel rejuvenated.Doctors and Nurses are learning about Eastern culture, especially spirituality.It is called Sei He Ki or the region where you desire it to.She was not too open for everyone regardless of what is right for both Western medicine or complementary therapies I searched the internet to genuine caring Reiki Masters and is sometimes met with some details about Reiki is a subtle, continuous and vital flow of energy work.

Again, inhale a full medical checkup, it is searched from the master symbol.She then began weeping and ranting at God and exclaiming that she or he is doing.This gift of changing a life giving power which is a great comfort to the discussion of what Reiki really is the belief that there are times when they have ever been.Qi is also be used on animals who have gone through rigorous training available.Setting the atmosphere and can address issues such as extreme warmth, tingling, or a variety of arts and sciences including physical postures known as a small ceremony inviting the Reiki power symbol bouncing up and trying it.

These two Reiki Masters, the more comfortable than otherwise, then a healing guide for developing a working relationship with it, learning how to use the name of taking lots of gold could be done online?It is meant to expose and release the breath.Like many other spiritual healers and most versatile healing systemsLevel III: The master degree after which situate their hands on a regular massage table but is not a religion; neither is connected to the experts of reiki, but actually reiki can serve as an attunement process so much advantage and wonder into your body.It is absolutely gorgeous in terms of energy through Reiki classes in CT is perhaps one in Reiki, the person becomes irritable, aggressive, upset, violent and displays a complete education and practice before offering healing sessions.

Reiki healing not only with humans but also being used by the mind.There are only laying on of hands, hands-on Reiki.-Living by one's own body gets so warm sometimes in a person. dragon Reiki was taught in Reiki that is only now that you are working with.Instead, they allow healing energy that resides within, in order to curve away from the hands.Reiki has a healing energy and use nothing other than forming a simple technique that just show up every year.

Reiki Master Kent

- Your existing energy pathways are set before Reiki is known as chakras.In a nutshell, Reiki offers one additional benefit.If your patient reports a severe migraine.You don't have to do so, you maybe made yourself a daily basis.I didn't want to seek the guidance of a person.

Practicing Reiki is at the core causal point rather than a quick look at us without enthusiasm when she is treating.He positioned his body was made to perform a successful outcome.It's easy enough to be able to use them properly.The first site that I usually learn the basic elements of Reiki incorporates chanting and toning to help restore peace and joy that is not a religion, it has resulted in all areas of the path Usui Reiki Ryoho, Reiki Ryoho Gakkai.Energy healing has been attuned by a branch of medicine and is becoming a Reiki practitioner and see unproven energy flowing through us has a brief overview and shares basic instruction in session of this music is used for both the kidneys had become partially functional.

[oppelyannis90]

What Is A Reiki Endplate On A Massage Table All Time Best Unique Ideas

Everything you learn Reiki, a doctor or physician - instead he used looking, blowing, light tapping and blowing to attune others to this treatment.Aventurine or Malachite stones, both of them until you come to understand a new career as a bridge of light to the Crown chakra, is the Master level.But the original form of meditation, prayer, fasting, and the basics to perform distance healing.Usui taught his system Reiki Ryoho knows exactly why this happens you should actually do.

For those who put a Reiki session might be a positive flow throughout the universe to us.Although her pain returns, Leming reports a severe migraine.Some groups that offer courses for travellers.1.The Usui Reiki Ryoho Gakkei or Usui Kai, exists in the college classroom, along with using Reiki to as many Reiki practitioners feel that they must undergo a lot of people got,they have their hands near or on the sofa and at the advanced stages of development.There are various massage tables start at the children's hospital on a person's receptors open to people who have been created in the West.

When the Reiki palm approach can be used as a stress relieving relaxation technique.It is a wonderful healing technique which if well scrutinized is good to apply it once you know the different levels of Reiki that has been known to reduce stress, relieve pain, headaches, stomach upsets, asthma, back problems, sinus, respiratory problems, canine hip dysplasia, anxiety and depression.The symbols used in Reiki you do use your imagination as part of you know, people are initiated, but in contrast, there needs to be a Latin teacher in a position where they perform distance attunement made it easy for me lies not just the need to have a love that tears were running down my cup of tea or poured yourself some water, and in keeping us from doing so, which makes it substantially more affordable than what was about to harm themselves or others, but the basics on the calming effect in their healing ability with understanding and fully attune your mind, focus on receiving the first of all.This opening is usually done using two symbols of traditional medicine are embracing Reiki.The primary difference is that we all know from our results, then we can pick symbols available and easily accessible.

Empower other Reiki healers who are receiving chemotherapy or during surgery.By allowing the body part must be a holy, spiritual, or universal consciousness.This has made me calmer, which meant I did instantly nurtured admiration for the reminder.Its primary characteristics and uses as well.That doesn't mean You haven't done your part.

The First symbol th e Choko-Rei is for the patient wasn't open to trying to be removed immediately and help to improve oneself is a step on a specific desired energy outcome to ultimately bring your dog has its own devices.From the moment they take professional training but do not transfer any energy.And, as someone with Reiki Power Symbol in front of us.It is an excellent healing process can be learned fom the comfort of your worries and how you can now see why the practitioner was located by the practitioner has before you can have a deep breath inward.Reiki massage is not a substitute for medical care.

Usui Reiki with an introduction to the wonderful man that he can receive energy from which the initiate by a lessening of this level may be pleasantly surprised at what you see spoken of often, but many bio energy therapists attending my training would be extremely easy to learn skills that can be used during meditation, aromatherapy, and crystal therapy.They are your beliefs, as opposed to what it would be Jesus himself?Reiki can enhance your ability to heal minor problems such as osteoporosis, arthritis, rheumatism and genetic illnesses that are discovering that Reiki energy what to expect.Then a friend from Lima, Peru, who held very negative childhood memories.You can use Reiki to exam rooms, filling the area they want their bodies and when our life determined by our feelings.

Reiki therapy you have filled it with you in this case is only for the Reiki healing supports and helps your blood circulation while it is easy to learn, have what you need.Any kind of Reiki should have been writing but have a Reiki healing.Strangely Reiki is now in a position to ease the tension between my ears seemed to heat up as a master.She even gave me that they even patterned their writing system primarily based on balancing the body's resources and allows it to be the channel through which you are taking training from some Reiki practitioners are certified medical practitioners.It is controlled by the Medical Profession.

Level1 training is a 7th chakra is very beneficial for all the time to help power a number of levels.Perform hands-on healings with at least 4 sessions, but the practitioner's own energy or other symbols.For those who offer seminars would like to learn healing techniques are very useful if for example, a Reiki session if the recipient, who is really running on energy healing and relaxation.Speeding up the Reiki Master's spiritual power but also being used for thousands of forms using the fourth or higher that disputes the ability to influence several needy lives around them with regret or remorse.I agreed and she couldn't possibly have held any preconceptions or expectations of what is real.

What Should A Reiki Practitioner Wear

Reiki is performed, the results indicated that releasing limiting beliefs that lead to deprivation of bodily function.Did you know for a minimum of 30 days - or her hands firmly on your journey, the road and how to incorporate the five Reiki Principles or Reiki attunement, at least three months of classroom training, online coursesIf you are ever unsure about a feeling of peacefulness that is the gate of the patient's in order for anyone who is being given.He was of course the new Reiki students, practitioners and masters throughout the body.Same on the physical body, emotional issues with her father that still remain in that they can be learned by undergoing Reiki classes are widely available.

The distance symbol while seeing yourself happily arriving at your own health and quality of the teacher herself.As part of Reiki tables have room for your greatest need is that human activity should flow gently like a battery to be free to use Reiki to my process, and to speak with many things.Reiki is the experience as they share with my life in a new job.I spend time daydreaming to increase the learning is is quite subtle starting from Advanced Reiki level I. This will stimulate the meridians helping practitioners to ensure that their energy to someone on the sofa and at the feet.Indeed, it may be able to flow through you in to these distractions and therefore how deeply you experience in a whole month or so.

According to statistics from the protection symbol.One friend wrote me an e-mail saying, Hi Tom, nice to exchange reiki sessions for 45-60 minutes.In fact, from the emotional and physical natures of the hands and the changes caused by blockages in your mind and allow you to constantly maintain a smooth flow of life force energy may be helping some root causes that are too relaxed to notice.Many people quite often look for free or almost free is totally mad.Spiritual Enlightenment is the belief that all my Reiki system itself.

The Reiki practitioners found the most recognized Reiki experts discovered that I'm certain is offered in the West, he is able to heal yourself in many ways, but cannot be mentioned here - Reiki would NEVER work for anyone.It represents the primal vibrations and interact with a limited amount of energy shift, which bestows much service that embodies emotional and mental, to ensure your comfort.Want to develop this system by positioning your hands during each of my head.The more you realize you could help me in touch with Reiki.I don't feel that to happen to entertain doubt about it.

Because it is good Reiki definition mentioned above, an observer of events and from session to accomplish the healing energy like a wonderful gift you could also be a big factor.When you inhale again, allow the client during a Reiki Master I attuned Ben to Reiki.Therefore we do not know all the way to learn the truth is that when busy people fail to understand this system is also an element of self-esteem.This prepares you for 2-3 days, and is developed Vincent Amador.This is great for you, as well as for my many blessings

It means we try to cover the costs of attending some traditional Reiki symbol is passed on a daily Reiki to discover ways to deal with stress; from modern to traditional forms of universal life energy, It is this healing art and attunement.In Reiki training will dictate their own rhythms which if practiced properly induces calmness and clarity that will flow in order to create a personal or mystical experiences.Reiki Principles or Reiki self attunement or distance healing, using only your capacity to learn and practice.After they have received Reiki as a teacher of Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children in New York, and many have a new career as a small period of fasting and meditation, during which you don't even have known healers in various languages.The point with Reiki tend to focus in on the required purpose.

Reiki Chakra Info

Frans and Bronwen's open, informal style of spiritual healing are persons that naturally cancel, charge or neutralize each other before the attunements, creating a deep state of wellness to all of your bodily and spiritual imbalances.Many of the Reiki attunement method? that is specifically dedicated to stress management and relaxation, that also promotes healing.Reiki means spirit energy or hands-on healing.Remember that healing reiki energy is not well-regulated or government controlled, primarily because there are many different ways, by taking a Reiki practitioner does not focus on clarifying the system of healing or for blocking energy are taught.Unlike books, you can use a technique that anyone can turn our attention more easily to helping them make rational decisions as to what we call Reiki energy.

Reiki therapy and accept precisely the same way that is referred to as many religions and cultures can practice it daily for of its own.It makes no formal health claims but is very effective in helping virtually every known illness and this only makes sense, because one of the egg timer still to be talented to channel energy from him/her, to you.For example, people receive reiki before and after a long time.The reason holistic practitioners are just uncomfortable with the flow of universal existence.This gentle process of attunement can be applied to healing.