#hcraft x dsmp

[dmwrites]

“Xisuma, can you sign this, uh, form for me, please? It needs an admin signature. No need to read it or anything, it’s nothing really. Stupid.” Zed stood as casually as he could, passing over a slip of paper to Xisuma, who put on his reading glasses. “No!” Zed said in a panic. “I mean, no, it’s just, please just sign it. Reading is for losers, am I right? Haha.”

Xisuma looked up at Zed, then back down at the paper, and then up at Zed again. He took off his reading glasses.

“Zedaph, why am I holding a field trip permission form?” Xisuma sounded just so tired.

“I- well, I mean- please sign the form.” Zed tapped his hooves nervously on the floor.

“What on earth kind of trip requires a permission form to go?” Xisuma put his glasses back on.

“It’s for a science experiment!” Zed said. “It’s in another land though, so that’s why I need an admin! Please??? Please X??” Zed begged.

Xisuma reread the paper and let out a long sigh. “Fine, as long as there is a chaperone there.”

“Yes, there is! The best one around! Oh, thank you X! You won’t regret this!” Zed pranced around Xisuma’s office joyfully as Xisuma signed the paper.

----

“Hello BadBoy of the Halo variety!” Zed was in his best lab coat, wool nicely arranged, even with a packed lunch from Beef, standing in a little spawn area.

“Zedaph! Welcome!” A super scary demon with a super big smile stood in front of him. “We are thrilled to finally have you! Here. Have you here.”

“Well, Mr. Halo, my curiosity knows no bounds, and the idea of a huge red egg is something I’ve never encountered before! I am delighted to help you experiment on it.”

“Ah yes, experiment…” Bad said, laughing. “Well, Zed, follow me please, and I’ll take you to The Egg.”

Bad lead Zed down a wooden plank path, which was highly worn. The buildings around, too, seemed worn. Old, falling down, unused, colors fading. It was quiet here, too. Zed wondered what civilization had once been here. Bad indicated for Zed to leap down a hole, and they ended up in a spider spawner farm room. There was a cat person hacking down some spiders- he turned and watched the two walk out of sight. Down a janky mismatched hall, and then Bad turned to the left, where there were a bunch of planks hastily nailed up.

Bad looked at the boards for a second, quiet. “They keep doing this for me.” He took out an axe and chopped them all away, revealing a grand staircase down further into the earth. “Let’s go, Zedaph! Much to do!”

Bad walked briskly down the staircase, but Zed took his time. He wasn’t much of a builder, all things considered, but the brickwork here was… weird. He knew it was nether brick. But it felt… wrong. The color of congealed blood and almost less solid then normal. The whole staircase was meant, clearly, to look grand. But it felt empty. But alive. Like there should be something in it.

“Zed? You coming?” Bad’s voice echoed up to him, almost a little muffled. Zed shook off the shivers he felt and trotted down to where Bad was standing. “Ah good. Thought you got cold feet at the last minute. Wouldn’t want that.” Bad said with a smile that did not reach his eyes. “Shall we?”

“Oh, yes, I am so excited!” Zed rubbed his hands together and took a clipboard out of his bag. He stepped forward into the room and audibly gasped. Zed lived in a world of incredible, but incredible is infinite, and this was beyond anything he’d ever seen. The room was bathed in red, like it was some kind of living cavity and they’d just drained the blood. Red vines hung from the ceiling, and pockets of lava dotted the floor. And there were tendrils, enormous and dominating the floor, walls, and creeping onto the ceiling.

And then there was the egg itself. Bad had described it vaguely over the phone as a red egg that was alive. And seeing it now, Bad hasn’t been to far off the mark. It sat in a corner, the epicenter of it all. And there was this deep ache of sentience all around. The air moved like something was breathing, but it was a weird sensation, like the air was taken out of Zed’s lungs when it took a breath. And it was dead silent, minus pops of lava and the footsteps of Bad and Zed.

“Oh wow.” Zed leaned down to study a vine. “This is insane! And it’s just been here, waiting for someone to find it?”

“Come closer to the egg, Zedaph. There’s a lot more to… study over here.” Zed looked up at Bad and he swore he looked paler then before.

“Bad, are you okay? You seem pale. I know this seems scary but we must investigate for science!” Zed asked as he picked his way to the egg.

“What? Oh, I’m fine.” Bad coughed, and some color returned to his body. Not all of it, but some. “Now, we are standing next to The Egg. It’s it amazing?”

“Fascinating!” Zed whispered, leaning in until his nose was almost against the egg.

“Do you hear it?” Bad’s voice seemed a little lower then before, and almost too gleeful.

“Hear what?” Zed said distractedly, jotting down a few notes.

“The egg.”

Zed looked up in surprise. “Is the egg talking to you?”

“Yes! And what about you, Zedaph? Do you hear it calling to you?” Bad leaned towards Zed, a look of urgency now on his face.

“No, but that’s so interesting! It is alive, or is speaking somehow! Fascinating! I can already think of so many tests we can do!” Zed was writing frantically.

Bad sighed. “Okay, let me ask you this. Zedaph, how do you feel about The Egg?”

“Excited!” Zed was indeed shaking with excitement. “I can not wait to study this thing! We could change the world with our discoveries!”

“So you like the egg?” Bad sounded excited too.

“I suppose so! I mean, it’s just some egg, so liking it is a relative term, but I like that it’s a weird thing to investigate!”

“So you’ll join the Eggpire, then?”

Zed looked up from his notes. “The what? Eggpire? Is that some kind of scientific group?” He gave Bad a concerned look. “You okay, my guy? You look…” Zed trailed off, not quite sure how to say “terribly happy and sad at the same time” without sounding rude. That, and the tears rolling down his face were surprisingly red. Maybe it was just the light.

“Yes, the Eggpire is just a big group of people who like studying The Egg.” Bad nodded.

“Excellent.” Zed looked at the egg again, full of thoughts, too many to even make an egg pun.

“And, just to be clear, you feel good about The Egg? You don’t hate it?”

Zed frowned and looked at Bad again. “Bad, it’s just an egg. There is no good or bad here. It’s just science. It doesn’t have like, eldritch powers or something.”

Bad gave Zed a long, searching look. “Yeah… of course, you’re right…”

“Frankly, I think we should make an omelette out of this when we’re done experimenting on it! It kind of gives me the heebie-jeebies, to be honest with you.”

[simplydm]

Wilbur voice: okay so when Mumbo has a mental breakdown and they call it “normal” and “he’s just like that when he has end crystals” but when i do the same thing they call it “blowing up a country”

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

So if Techno is hels!Joe and Philza is hels!Etho, then... what if dsmp is literally just Hels? If so, which dsmp member is which hels?

I don't know much about DSMP (and that is NOT a call to inform me) but I think it's fairly obvious that Tommy is Hels!Grian.

- Mod Shade

[riacte]

Hello HBomb and Hermitcraft enthusiasts

Was discussing with @ivi-prism for a bit, would you be interested in an event where we create content of H and hermits interacting?

Like it’ll maybe last for a week or two, still working out details. Since with the rise of HC x DSMP content we really want more of that but with H.

We’re calling it Project Hcraft for now <3

[dmwrites]

In terms of maps, Joe Hills considered himself well acquainted with them. He mapped out the world, making it easier for his fellow hermits to get around. It was a job he took seriously, but also enjoyed because he got to see more of the land then most ever would.

There was one section left now, a corner off by the new edge of the world border. Joe sighed at it before grabbing his trident and taking off.

“I’m going to blame doc. Like, I know by technicality it’s nobody’s fault that the world border moved, but, like, let’s be honest… he doesn’t call himself a mad redstone genius for no reason.” Joe told himself as he glided along. It was a nice break, at least, from the caves he had been lighting up all week.

Joe considered himself pretty average at identifying things that seem out of the ordinary, even if ordinary usually didn’t exist on the hermitcraft server. Now, how he identified that things were out of the ordinary were often strange, unorthodox ways.

This is a long way of saying that Joe caught sight of something bright blue moving on the other side of the world boarder, and then proceeded to crash into said world boarder while distracted.

“Yo man, you okay?”

Joe scrambled to his feet in shock, and came face to face with another person staring at him from across the world boarder. The person was wearing a bright blue onesie and looked very confused. Joe felt that.

“I’ll be okay. Umm, who are you?” Joe asked, his voice shooting up an octave. He had this weird urge to start laughing.

“Connor… and who are you?” Connor was like no person Joe had ever met, and Joe had met a lot of weird people. He looked so normal, but also who wears a onesie out side of the house?

“Howdy Connor, I’m Joe Hills, standing as I always do at the world boarder. And, I must admit, I’m very confused right now.”

“Same, dude.” Connor looked up towards the sky. “What’s this force field for anyway?” He pressed against it, but it didn’t budge.

“Well, this is the world boarder, which I just mentioned if you were paying attention. We can’t go beyond it. Random question, but do you know anyone by the name of DocM77? Were you created by a creeper dude?”

“No? What the hell kind of question is that?” Connor paused, thinking. “I was once thrown in jail by a creeper dude though. Named Sam. I don’t think he’s a doctor, though.”

“No, no.” Joe said distractedly. “Well, okay, let me just-” He sat down on the grass, just a tad overwhelmed. Connor sat down too and didn’t say anything. “Okay, so, how did you get here? I guess that would be a good thing to ask. Are you a new hermit? I don’t remember X mentioning anyone new, but I might not have been paying attention.”

“Hermit? No, I’m Connor.” Connor replied, ripping up grass mindlessly. “I think I got lost somewhere along the line. I was looking for a nametag- you don’t happen to have a name tag, do you? I just caught a fish.”

Joe checked his pockets. “Sorry, looks like I don’t. What were you going to name your fish?”

Connor sighed contemplatively. “I was thinking either Little Penis 2 or Unfucked Sally.”

“Those are awful names.” Joe told him. “What about Yolonda or Dark Oak Slab?”

“That second one has potential.” Connor mused. “But, like, I gotta get out of here first if I ever want to name that fish. Do you know which direction the Dream Smp is?”

“What’s that?” Joe asked.

“Uhhh, okay, what about Dream? Do you know how I can contact Dream?”

“Who’s that?” Joe asked.

“Right.” Connor sighed, clearly giving up. “It’s fine, I’ll just figure it out or die of starvation. It’s fine.” Joe blinked at the other guy’s rather blatant apathy towards dying in the wilderness, far away from home. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t say the exact thing in Connor’s position, but he’d never met someone with a similar view. Connor caught sight of his face, and must have guessed what he was thinking about. “Yeah, I mean, death and I have always had a weird relationship, so, like, who cares if she takes me and throws me at a wall or something.”

“I feel similarly!” Joe leaned his head on his hands. “Death likes to play games with me, keep itself entertained. I’m a little Joe puppet for it to giggle at.”

Connor smiled at that, but he had a curious look in his eyes, actually fully looking at Joe for the first time since they’d met. “Joe, question for ya. Have you ever traveled through time?”

“Only forward in that steady march of time.” Joe said with a nod. “Wait, why would you ask that?”

Connor shook his head, looking a bit sadder then before. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He looked smaller then before, somehow. He looked very lonely in the wide expanse of land behind him.

Joe and Connor sat on either side of the world boarder, just kind of trying to not look at each other while also trying to study each other.

“If you want, I could ask if X could let you in somehow. I feel like you could fit in here. Do you know anything about pinball machines?” Joe asked after a bit.

Connor shook his head. “No, sorry, but I really should get back to my house.” There was something gritty about the way Connor said house, like it was just a dark and damp building, not a home. Not his real home.

“I’m serious. You can come stay with me. Maybe I can help, or maybe someone else can.” Joe leaned forward earnestly, nose touching the boarder. “We can help you.”

Connor stood up. “Sorry Joe. You seem like a nice person, but I have to go.” He turned to walk away but stopped and turned back around to Joe. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything wrong?” Joe asked, but Connor either didn’t hear him or just didn’t answer. Joe watched him until he couldn't see the bright blue onesie anymore. Maps forgotten, Joe flew off, back to spawn, an uneasy calm washing over him.

[dmwrites]

“Creatures, humans, gods, and whoever else is out there in the weird, wide world, welcome to a segment that is probably one of a kind. Here, tonight, we will be interviewing a guest! We don’t get many out here, and any chance I see to change it up here on Serenity is an opportunity to grab by the balls! So, mysterious guest, wanna introduce yourself?” Michael McChill nodded to his guest with a smile.

“Well howdy there y’all and Michael! I’m Joe Hills, radio showin’ as I always do from Nashville, Tennessee, except I’m not in Nashville, Tennessee and in fact have no idea where I am.”

“Distressing!” Michael said cheerily. “So I guess my first question here is what the fuck is Nashville. Tennessee? Is that like another country or something? You’ve been talking about it a lot.”

“Well, you see, I think I got a little lost somewhere along the way. I was on the hunt, you see, for wild granite. None of this domesticated granite nonsense, I like it freshly slain.” Joe nodded, smiling at Michael like this was a commonly said phrase.

Michael smiled charmingly back, very confused. “Right… naturally. So you got lost? I guess that explains why I found you in the ruins of L’Manburg. Listeners, if you can believe it, I found our special guest in the L’Manpit, just wandering around!”

“L’Manburg? L’Manpit? What on earth kind of names are those?”

“Oh, a spicy hot take on this fine evening.” Michael chuckled. “You better hope there are no L’Manburg-ians are listening, or you’ll be dead in no time.” Michael chuckled.

Joe adjusted his glasses. “Well, if you want me to be upfront, it’s not a name indicative of all that the area could be. I did visit the museum and learn quite a bit, but then again history is subjective to those who write it, but I feel like the naming could have been better.”

Michael chuckled again, nervously. “Well, moving swiftly beyond the fallen L’Manburg, it seems like, then, you’re new to the area! If there are any listeners out there who want to give our new bud Joe here some advice for the Dream smp lands, feel free to call in! In the meantime, here’s Hit The Road Jack.” Michael flipped a few switches and the song began to play.

“I feel like that’s a direct message to me.” Joe commented.

“Bro, what the fuck.” Michael leaned forward a little bit to emphasize himself. “You can’t just run your mouth like that. These aren’t safe lands, my guy. You say the wrong word to the wrong guy and you’ll lose all three of your lives real fucking quick.”

“Three lives? What on earth are you talking about? As someone who dies at least three times a day, I don’t think this applies to me. I’m just, as the kids would say, built different.”

Michael started to answer, but the phone rang. Michael faded out the music.

“Well, looks like we got our first caller with some tips for Joe, I’m sure! Caller number one, hello! Welcome to Serenity! What sage advice do you have to offer us this fine evening?”

“How the hell did you get here?” The caller was controlled in their tone, and sounded like they were walking outside.

Joe indicated asking if he could talk, and Michael shrugged. “Hello Caller Number One! Now, Mr. Michael of the McChill variety did ask for advice to a weary traveler like me, not more questions. So, and let’s perhaps be civil about this, do you have any sage advice for Joe?” He gave Michael a thumbs up. Michael began thinking of good places to bury Joe’s body. Did they even have a graveyard here?

“You don’t belong here, Joe. I control who comes in and who comes out.” Whoever it was, and Michael had a sneaking suspicion of who, was walking faster now.

“Alright.” Joe hung up the phone. “Kind of a sour apple, huh?” Michael had his head in his hands. The phone rang again. “Hello? Joe Hills here, answering phones as I always do here in Nashville, Tennessee, except I’m not in Nashville, Tennessee. Have any sage advice for me, Joe Hills?”

“Hey boss man! Long time fan of Serenity! And I was just listening in and would love to hear more about this Nashville, Tennessee place!” A brighter voice came on over the phone.

“Well, if you give me some advice, I sure will! I’d say that’s a pretty good exchange of information!” Joe replied.

“Fair point. Okay, my advice to you is to get some good armor real quick, or find some strong friends!” the second caller said.

“I do have strong friends, but this is good advice, not just for me but for everyone.” Joe nodded. “Okay, now, Nashville, Tennessee. Where to start…”