#hayley williams fanfcition

[officialparamorefanfiction]

I write to Remember Chapter 24

A/N: Brushes off the dust… I had a sudden spurr of inspiration and came up with this. Let me know what you guys think. For everyone who has stuck around I can’t thank you enough. These past few years have been a complete roller coaster and I’m sorry I wasn’t around to keep my stories going while I went through it all. Hopefully I’ve come back as a stronger writer but in the end I just really enjoy it and that’s the important part right? Anyways enjoy!

The days passed faster than I could hold on to them. Each day bringing us somberly closer to the impending notion that Hayley would be leaving again. My stomach was churning at the thought but I knew I had to be strong. I needed to show her that I trusted her again and actually try my best to. Sure she would be alone… doing whatever she wanted…. With whoever she wanted…. But…. We were giving this one last go so go hard or go home right?

I splashed my face in the sink. Trying to remind myself this was only temporary. The day Hayley left was only yesterday but it already felt like a million years. I had planned on visiting them, Hayley even invited me to stay for a few weeks but I had talked myself out of it. I needed to get out of this irrational fear. Okay so maybe it wasn’t so irrational but if we were going to work I needed to learn to trust her again because after an album there were tours and those lasted a lot longer than just making an album. I needed to be strong. But how was I supposed to when I could barely remember who I was before I met Hayley. Would it be possible for me to be an individual again while also still being in a relationship with someone that had me wrapped around their finger?

Time to grow a back bone and remember who you were…Are… I thought to myself.

……………………………….

Week one was probably the hardest. You don’t really realize how much time you spend with someone til you are forced to do everything alone. Shopping, movies, napping, driving. I felt like an isolated prisoner in my own home and I hated it. Sure we chatted, we facetimed but there was already a time difference and they were trying to create an album, distractions weren’t exactly welcome. She faithfully called me before I went to sleep every night even if it was for a quick goodnight and I love you’s but it didn’t stop the pang in my chest or the fear that was growing inside me.

…………………………………….

Week 2 wasn’t much easier. We still talked but not quite as regularly because they were starting to track vocals so she was basically on permanent voice rest which made communicating on anything other then text pretty hard. I had decided I was going to stop moping around and try and get out so I tried my knack at running. I lasted a good 5 minutes before I was bent over huffing and trying to remember if I had asthma or not with the way I was breathing. I mean I knew I was decently out of shape but damn did it suck to feel it firsthand. I also tried hot yoga that week…. Another NO. There was absolutely no reason to be that sweaty for something as casual as yoga! By the end of the week I felt the same pain, just also physical pain from being sore. I went to sleep with icy hot rubbed on my calves and joint and made the bed smell of bengae instead of Hayley’s hair. I was forced to finally wash my sheets ridding the odd and peculiar mixture of icy hot and Hayley’s scent once and for all. For this not being a break up it really freaking felt like one, but I was committed. I needed to be able to be an individual and find myself before I went jumping into some serious relationship. I wasn’t going to ever loose myself the way I had before. There had to be a way to love someone but not lose yourself in the process. You’re supposed to grow together, not grow over one another and I felt like a helpless plant that had been taken over by weeds and other invasive species.

………………………………………..

Week three was somewhat better. They had taken a break from vocals to write some more songs and Hayley was finally able to talk more. We texted less and actually had less phone calls but in a way it made it more meaningful. We had more to talk about if we spoke fewer times then discussing our entire day through texts and stumbling to find good topics over the phone when we had already heard the play by plays of one another’s day the whole time. This week I thought I was try maybe a bit of poetry. I mean I played guitar and wrote a bit but poetry was always an interesting subject for me. I had recently found a favorite poet online who really capture the essence of so many things I was feeling bubbling inside of me over this past year or so but more importantly I went back through my old writings too. The days when I couldn’t get enough or when I just needed to get away.

I looked through one in particular catching my attention. It made my heart clench to remember how long yet not long enough it was that I had written this out. I read it my eyes scanning the paper feeling the tears well at the sides of my eyes.

Pick me like a flower

Pick me like a book

Pick me, oh pick me like I wasn’t overlooked

Pick me like I was always your first choice

Pick me like you couldn’t fathom anyone else

Pick me and tell the others even when I’m not around

Pick me like I’m wanted

Pick me like I’m not dead

Pick me like you promised

But you picked them instead.

I put it back down my mind made up. I wanted to go to a poetry slam this week. That would be my goal To listen to others put their feelings into words and figure out what the hell I was doing and who I was under all of this drama, heartache and nonsense.

It was a surreal feeling listening to all these people, much more brave than I as they walked up on stage and spoke their feelings, their mind and their heart through words. I never felt like I was all that good with words, I guess that’s why I played music, not wrote it but still. I cried, I laughed, and I felt for the people as I listened to poem after poem. When it ended I sat there with my drink, just thinking.

When I finally made my way home I was shaking. What had happened to me? I love Hayley. I knew that but what the hell happened to the girl who would be okay on her own? The girl who was fine with the old Hayley who ignored her? What happened to the Casey who just played her heart out in music and lived life? Where was she and for the life of me how did I find her again? I just wanted to feel like my own person again goddamn it, was that really so much to ask for?

My phone began ringing and I grabbed it my anger and frustration coming out as I answered

“What?”

“Woah…. What happened? Or more so who did it?” Hayleys familiar voice filled the line

My anger faded a bit feeling a bit guilty for yelling at her for no reason.

“Sorry. I’ve just had a bit of a rough day…” I said laying into my couch

“I figured something was up when I didn’t get a text about you going to bed” She said back through the line

“I just….. Hayley do you remember when you hated me?” I asked

“Wait. I never hated you Case” She quickly said

“No. I mean. Well when you didn’t like me then?” I asked again to clarify

“It was never about not liking you. It was about liking you more then I should’ve. The day we kissed you flipped my world upside down and it was my feeble attempt at trying to keep things in control that I had no control over” She said rustling as I heard her settle into a couch or maybe blanket

“Yeah but do you remember what I was like?” I pushed

“Well yeah. You were cool. You were always very cool to me. Like those kids you have to watch from a distance. You never seemed to ever care that I gave you the cold shoulder or that I ignored you. Everyone loved you and I was always so angry that you just had that natural effect on everyone” She said

“but now….” I stuttered not sure if I wanted to hear the answer

“But now I realize I was a complete idiot. I should have figured out a long time ago that everything I could ever want and need was right in front of me….” She breathed out. My heart fluttered but I caught myself.

“I think I lost myself” I said quietly

“What do you mean Case?” Hayley questioned slowly

“I think… I think I threw myself so hard into you and what I felt for you that along the way I lost myself… and now…. Now I’m not sure I know who I am anymore….” I said quietly trying not to let her hear the quiver in my voice.

“Case” She said quietly unsure how to even respond.

“I know its not something you can fix. Especially over the phone. But that’s what I’ve been working on while you’ve been gone. I want to be able to be my own person again….” I said quietly the words coming out without as much strength as I’d hoped.

“What exactly are you saying Casey….” She questioned the fear blatantly obvious in her voice

“Oh fuck. No Hayles. I don’t mean anything with me not wanting to be with you or anything” I said quickly picking up on her worries. I heard her audibly sigh in relief.

“I just… I wanted you to know. Because… Well… I think it should be important to be able to be in a relationship but also still be your own person. You can be two separate people and still be madly in love you know?” I asked

“Yeah. I understand that. So…. You’re doing a bit of a journey to find yourself is what you’re saying?” She asked to be sure

“Yeah. Yeah I guess I am…. I just want to find the person who was in there before we went through everything we went through… and I know I don’t necessarily have to be the same person because weve obviously grown and changed but I just need to find some part of me, something to remind me that I am my own person you know?” I said

“Yeah. I get what you mean. Well I’m here Case if you need me for anything but I understand also if you want to take a step back during this time too. Whatever you want to do and anything I can do to help” She said supportively. I smiled she honestly was the best girlfriend.

“Thank you” I said quietly smiling into the phone. We didn’t take much more time on the phone before I let sleep take over and we said our goodnights. So it was official. Plan Find yourself Casey was beginning and I would be damned if by the end of it I didn’t find something by the end of this.

[officialparamorefanfiction]

I Write to Remember Chapter 23 Part 2

Hello lovelies.... I know its been much too long but I will finish this and all my other stories. Its so crazy that's its been so long since I have updated and much less written. I have been through a lot but I've finally got some time , spare creativity, and motivation to write and hopefully its a bit better quality as I think I think I have grown a lot more as a writer and a person in general. Also this one is mostly proof read. Surprise! :p Always OPFF x

The next morning I woke up with my body entangled with Hayley. Were both naked still but there was something different about today. Last night was like the final push for me... the final push to let go of everything finally to move past it all, to start to try again.

I watch helplessly as Hayley gets out of bed her movements delicate and slow. I know for a fact she's sore because I am as well. She didn't look at me instead she pulled on a t-shirt hiding the now purple and blue marks and some shorts before she walked out to the living room.

I got out of bed delicately but soon after feeling pain in each step. I may have dished it out but I wasn't the only one. Hayley was almost a different person last night, as was I.

I somberly took a shower the pellets of water doing nothing to help the pain. I looked in the mirror wrapped in a towel and see the hickies on my neck as well as a few bruises and what I can only assume to be scratch marks on my back. My theory was proven when the material of the shirt I pulled on burns my shoulders. I opted for sweat pants walking out into the living room with a bun to see Hayley sitting on the couch her legs tucked under her. Walking over to her sitting down our eyes meet for the first time all morning.

"I'm Sorry," I muttered, feeling drained. Last night my anger had evaporated like water as soon as my arms had given out and I'd all but collapsed on top of Hayley. She raises her hand to her mouth, gingerly pokes her bottom lip with her fingers and then shrugs her shoulders.

"I deserved it." Hayley said softly while I sighed, sitting at the kitchen table and massaging my temples. Hayley takes care of breakfast today.

The days pass and after that night I completely let go. I realize I don't have that little thought in the back of my mind anymore. I don't worry about Hayley and Chad anymore. I don't even think about him anymore and for once... It feels really great. It feels right.

Before I know it its the last night Hayley is staying at my house before she heads back to her house and we were a bit sad about it. I had been enjoying the time together. Tonight I had been messing with Hayley all night innocently teasing her. I didn't realize how much I'd miss her when she was actually leaving.

We were on the couch cuddled up as I ran my fingers up and down her exposed thigh. I felt her looking at me but I chose to ignore it silently smirking and pretending to watch the movie. I felt her breathing increase softly. My fingers crept closer to her core and I could hear her breath hitch that's when she got up quickly.

"I'm gonna make us some tea" She said quickly her face flushed. I smirked giving her a couple minutes before getting up and walking into the kitchen. She was fumbling with the tea as i watched her stop and lean onto the stove taking a deep breath.

I silently walked behind her placing my body flush against hers leaning down i smirked

"How's the tea coming along?" I whispered seductively in her ear as she jumped

"fuck!" She yelped dropping the tea pot and burning her hand

"Shit. Are you alright??" I asked quickly moving her from the spilt tea to look at her hand.

I looked at the red mark on her hand and frowned

"Shit I'm sorry" I said looking down at it before taking it and softly running cold water on it.

"Case. I'm fine really" She said but I ignored her feeling terrible I'd made her burn her hand. When she finally made me dry it off I finished it with a soft kiss before looking back up at Hayley.

"There... all better" I said smiling as she looked at me. That's when I noticed the slightly different expression on her face. Without a second thought I reached down capturing her lips as we kissed passionately. We didn't make it past the counter till our 3 round and by then clothes were scattered everywhere.

..............

I laid in bed next to her drawing softly on her back as she relaxed into the bed laying beside me. She hummed softly as my fingers traced down her spine to the small of her back.

"Hayles?" I asked as she looked back at me her eyes lazily opening.

"You know... I forgive you right?" I asked as she looked at me seriousness filling her face that only moments ago was hazily asleep.

"Yeah... " She said before smiling "I'm really glad you did. I don't think I could live with myself knowing you hadn't forgiven me" She said looking down sadly. I reached over kissing her softly before pulling away a few inches but remaining close

"Were gonna get through this right?" She asked me softly as I smiled

"Yeah... were gonna get through this" I said allowing her to snuggle into my neck while I wrapped my arms around her holding her close.

"I don't want you to go" I said softly as she frowned looking up at me.

"I'm not going anywhere babe?" She said

"I mean... tomorrow... I just... its just that... I don't know. I'm gonna miss you.. like a lot. We've basically been living together for the past 2 months. Its gonna be different without you around" i said frowning as i looked at my ceiling

"Yeah... To be honest, I don't really wanna go either" She said as I looked at her

"Then don't" I said simply as she laughed

"I cant just pack up all my stuff and move in with you case" She said

"Why not?" I asked curiously

"Because... were not ready for that yet. We... were just getting started again. We shouldn't just jump into things again" She said as i frowned

"Then what exactly do you call this?" i asked a bit too defensively

"Case. Please don't get mad. I really would love to move in with you but its just not a good time now. We need to learn not only to be with each other a lot but how to be apart too if this is going to work.... and I really want us to work... for good this time" She said pulling my head down softly to look at her

"okay" i said softly. She leaned up planting a soft kiss on my lips before snuggling back into my neck. We both allowed ourselves to doze off after that.

The next day I helped Hayley pack up her things while the guys came over to lend some muscle. It was eerily weird to have all her things slowly disappearing. Before I knew we were driving to her house. I pulled up frowning as I felt hayley's hand on mine.

"Stop worrying case..." she said before leaning over to kiss my cheek and then getting out the car. We unpacked all her things and after some grocery shopping to help restock her house and some dinner we all decided to say our goodbyes and let her enjoy the house. I went back to my house and felt weird. I was going to make dinner and then realized I would only be making it for myself.

I did everything in my power to keep myself busy, I cleaned, I washed, I folded clothes been vacuumed my house but nothing could stop the loneliness from creeping up on me. It was 1 am when I finally made up my mind. In my PJs I drove to Hayley's house and knocked on her door unsure of what I was doing.

She opened the door her lights all on, clearly not asleep either.

"hey." I said half smiling as she smiled back pulling me inside and kissing me.

"I couldn't sleep either" She whispered before taking my hand and walking with me to her bedroom. Once we hit the bed it all felt right again. She snuggled into her normal position and I held her tightly finally feeling okay again and drifted to sleep.

I woke up the next morning to a particular red hair tracing my lips.

"mmm" I hummed opening my eyes to the beautiful red head beside me. She smiled back before quickly capturing my lips.

"What do you say about breaking in this new mattress?" She asked sneakily already making her way on top of me.

I smirked back.

"I must warn you... I think it may take a few times to break in.." I shot back flipping her so I was on top before making a beeline for her neck sucking on her pulse point. I felt her hands grasp through my hair before pulling me up to her lips for a proper kiss. We kissed ferociously every kiss passionate and promising of what was next to come... or more so who.

She had just pulled my top off as I made my ascent down under the covers to the only material between me and where I knew she wanted me to be.  I was sliding down her underwear kissing all the way down to make sure she knew exactly what she was in for when suddenly there was a knock and someone opened the door.

"Fuck! SORRY" Taylor's voice rang out as I popped my head up a bit confused at what had just happened while I was under the sheets.

"You've got to be kidding me" Hayley groaned as I laughed climbing back up.

"Well that was.. unexpected..." I said before leaning over to kiss her lips and get up pulling some of my clothes on. I was about to borrow a pair of hayley's shorts when I noticed a particular jacket sitting on her dresser.

"I was wondering where that jacket went last night" I said about to go put it on when she got up naked and all and stopped me hugging me instead.

"Well I've got to have something to remind me of you when you cant come over at one in the morning now dont I?" She said sneakily pecking my lips before putting on some clothes including my jacket. I shook my head smacking her butt playfully before exciting her room.

"Oh Thank God Case! I thought she might've been in there alone..." Taylor said as Jeremy began laughing.

"Nope. I was uhh under the covers..." I said blushing slightly but still smiling at the thought.

"Couldnt stay away for a whole night huh?" Jeremy asked me as I sat down on the couch adjacent to them.

"Why would she want to when its so much comfier to be together" Hayley said walking out of the room fully dressed before settling herself on my lap kissing my cheek.

I smiled widely.

"This is very true" I added as the guys just shook their heads and laughed.

"So the actual reason we are here." Jeremy said smiling excitement filling his voice.

"We finally got an opening to go record with Justin Meldal-Johnsen" Jeremy said as Taylor smiled equally as excited. I knew they had been working on new music but I hadn't though about when they would be recording.  I smiled too.

"Thats great guys! Im really excited for yall!" I said turning to look at Hayley who had a thoughtful look on her face. She looked like she was torn between being happy and upset.

"Hayles..."I asked lightly rubbing her side.

"Yeah.. that's great.. But I thought we were holding off till after Christmas to do it.." She said her  voice not revealing too much.

"Well yeah.. but since we've got so much practically done and he has the open time I dont see why not you know? He has everything ready for us if we are ready. With what we have it shouldn't take more than 2 months or so to get it totally done" Taylor said

"Guys I just dont know if thats best for right now though... I mean its so soon... when would we start?" She said her grip around my hands tightening. Something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what.

"Hayles this is a great opportunity. The fans are dying for this new stuff. We want to start as son as possible so by next weekend we can head to the studio and begin." Jeremy said looking a bit concerned that this conversation wasnt quite going the way he hoped.

"Hayles, this is a really great idea. I dont understand why you wouldn't want to do it.. Ive read alot of those lyrics they are so great. Whats wrong?" I asked kissing her shoulder reassuringly.

"You...You really think we should do it?" She asked as if it was her deciding factor.

"Of course I do! It will be great! New music, you and the guys. Why wouldn't I want you to?" I asked as Taylor jumped up.

"See even Casey is on board! Cmon hayles say yes..." Taylor said

"Casey... Are you really okay with this...?" Hayley asked turning to look at me completely serious.

"Hayley. I promise you yes. Itll be amazing" I said smiling whole heartily

"Okay guys... I guess we are RECORDING OUR NEW ALBUM!" She said suddenly excited as I smiled and the guys high fived.

"Great Ill call up justin and arrange everything" Taylor said already pulling his phone out.

"And Ill book our tickets! This will be great!" Jeremy said following Taylor out the door waving.

I stopped for a minute as hayley looked at me confused.

"Whats up?" she asked as I laughed

"Why is Jeremy booking tickets for a recording studio an hour away?" I asked as if it were the silliest thing in the world

"Casey... The recording studio is in California.... I told you about this weeks ago..." She said slowly as the realization hit me.

"Oh." Was all I could manage as I processed it all.

"I knew this was a bad idea. Ill call the guys and tell them Im not ready" She said going to her room to get her phone.

"Hayles.. No" I said quickly following her.

"Go." I said still in shock about this news.

"Case... I dont want to be away from you for so long..." She said sadly

I smiled touching her face softly.

"Baby everything will be fine. You go. I can visit you, and you can show me around Cali... Well skype, and text and talk everyday. It will be fine" I said attempting not only to reassure her but myself.

"You really think so?" She asked her hands already wringing the sides of my shirt anxiously.

"yeah. I do" I said leaning down to softly kiss the top of her head.

"This makes me feel so much better you dont even understand." She said snuggling into my embrace. My mind was still racing. 2 to 3 months without Hayley... I couldn't even go a night without her... What was I going to do...

A/n: Okay I'm not putting a particular date on when the next chapter will be done because I'm really bad with sticking to dates but I will say I have one big long last chapter left for yall that I am currently working on now. Until next time. Thank you all for reading! OPFF