#having the wishy-washy hand reaction of being like ‘is this something i could have and am simply very good at coping with’ vs. normalization

[crossbackpoke-check]

hi i know this is rude but i promise my neurodivergent need to recognize Fellow Pack Animals is genuinely SO curious and coming from good faith so i wanted to ask - do you have adhd? your tags are like. word for word my thought process and i read them every single time you reblog something and it always gives me such a laugh because i feel like i am wearing another adhd's coat and going "cool!!! this thing has pockets!!!"

anon i promise i did not take this as rude so please return the same courtesy when i tell you this ask made me laugh out loud (diagnosed with adhd in the tumblr tags)

as far as i know i don’t have adhd?? but also have never gotten tested because whatever traits i’ve got have not had a significant (read: detrimental bc that’s how our health care system works) enough impact on my life to merit going through the rigamarole of diagnosis 👍 my brain do just be brrring and i am along for the joyride

[invested-in-your-future]

Imagine

Imagine if the awful nonsensical "Two Gods" subplot was never dreamt up (lol) and there were no relic mcguffins, creationist worldbuilding weirdness or magical insta-solutions.

What would that mean for the setting? Well, with that in mind imagine if:

Ozpin had an actual backstory that justified the mistrust some characters have towards him and allowed him to be a flawed and morally ambiguous but well meaning being he is clearly supposed to be. Not just some person with childish toothless "Secret" that gets absolutely hilariously weird over-reaction from characters (while other actually creepy aspects like being an ageless body-snatcher are completely ignored).

Imagine if the likes of Raven were more than a walking filler subplot and had actual motivations and genuine reasons to not just go hand in hand with Ozpin's wishes.

Salem was more than a walking misogynistic trope and had a worldview, beliefs and ideas beyond being just a really bad case of a scorned lover.

Imagine writers having to actually write a sensible set of motivations for Cinder and why she follows Salem or for why Emerald and Mercury follow Cinder.

There was no convenient way to handwave away things like broken moon, state of the world, etc with "magic".

Kingdoms and characters were given actual agency to make worst possible decisions without omnipotent magical items or evil councils being the cause.

Since Kingdoms and people can make absolute worst possible decisions, characters and narrative had to actually deal with and explore issues like bigotry, classism, ableism, etc that the show merely vaguely lampshades nowadays.

Characters could find and choose their paths without being guided by wishy washy magical realms or vague concepts of "destiny" or writer's own blond blue eyed self insert OC telling them what to do and what is right.

World and setting establishment and progression wasn't dictated by using gods/relics/magic as a reason for something being or not being the way it is.

Imagine if characters were allowed to deal with trauma and form actual grounded ideas about the world.

Imagine if your four leads were allowed to grow, make mistakes , improve, heal and search for their place in the world and go on journeys of self-discovery without the story constantly needing to reset them to status quo, reiterate how they are infallible or constantly rant about how nobody should change ever. Or without a writer self insert OC eating up all the screentime.

There would not be entire volumes dedicated to absolutely awful magic/two gods idea.

It is truly curious how story that is supposedly in part about choosing to be better and walking a better path in the wake of tragedy and overcoming past mistakes completely takes away that agency from characters by making magic/relics/gods the cause of literally everything and every bad or morally wrong decision in the story somehow can be traced back to unambiguously evil vague group of walking stereotypes.

Thanks for dreaming up two magical living plot devices I guess...

[danses-with-dogmeat]

I'm so happy to see that you got 1.5 k can you do a alphabet for Charon

Oh yes I can!

We love Charon 🥺

Enjoy!

C) Cuddle. Do they like to cuddle and show affection? How?

The short answer? No. The long answer? Also no, unfortunately...

Charon isn't huge on a lot of physical contact, especially at first, but as he warms up to his partner, it actually becomes a good way to communicate with you. It's easy to tell by his physical reaction whether or not he's into whatever you're doing with him. One day, he may lean into the feel of your head resting on his shoulder, while other days, his hand will yank away from yours as your fingers brush over his skin. It's a simple way to see what kind of mood Charon is in, and when the day comes that he's the one to reach for you, that's when you know you've made it. He just plain doesn't do that with people that he doesn't genuinely care for, which consists of... nobody. Plus you.

H) Honesty. Are they honest with their s/o? How important is it to them in a relationship?

Charon is always honest. It's sometimes a little too blatant, honestly. But he expects you to be upfront with him as well. The ghoul's got thick skin, if you've got something to say, he doesn't want to play games, he just wants out with it. If you're more wishy washy, he'll make it plain to you that he'd rather just hear whatever it is you're harboring and go from there.

A) Attention. How much attention do they want in the relationship?

He's used to having next to no attention on him from anyone, and he's always been... fine with that? Being nearly invisible has its perks, and he'd rather be left alone and unbothered. However, if you were to do the opposite, to make a point to find out more about him, his wants, his likes, things he doesn't even make the effort to discover about himself, well, he'll be taken off guard, but he will be appreciative. Don't over spoil him, Charon won't thank you for treating him like a child, but the occasional break, compliment, helping him with cleaning his armor or modding and maintaining his weapons, it goes a long way with the otherwise stoic ghoul. His not used to having anyone's affection, let alone a partner's, but that doesn't mean he can't become more accustomed to it over time.

As for you, it's similar. He won't baby you by any means, but Charon will always be there for you. And as much as it's an... occupational boon, he's keeping tabs on you whenever he is near.

R) Reunion. How do they react after being apart from their s/o? How do they cope when they’re away?

Charon is... well, he's very unused to being on his own nowadays. Not being by your side, especially when you become more than simple companions, is nerve-wracking for him. What the hell is he supposed to do? He's been a slave for so long, been subject to other people's whims and schedules, and as horrible, demeaning, and sadistic as his tasks may have been in the past, he never didn't have something to do.

When you're reunited, it's like a sigh of relief. He gets up from whatever menial task he was busying himself with, and saunters straight over to you, prepared to stick to your side for as long as you'll allow. Everything's different when you're together. He wants to protect you, and he hates the way his mind envisions what could be happening when he's not beside you. He's seen some of the most barbaric shit in the wasteland with his own eyes, and it doesn't take much for his imagination to wander.

When you come home, the large ghoul will cling to you like he's forgotten he ever had an issue with physical affection. Charon won't say much, but those times that I talked about, where he's the one to initiate touches? That's exactly what this will be. Prepare to be smothered, just for a little bit, anyway.

O) Open. How long does it take for them to open up to their s/o?

He won't do it on his own, but if you prod, it doesn't take too much to get him to divulge. The more gory details of his past, and anything that came before he was turned into what he is, before he became a ghoul, what he can remember about it, anyway, that is harder to get out of him. Some of it will come with time and familiarity, but... some of it stays in his head, buried in his overcrowded mind where it belongs, not out in the air where it can pain you more than you deserve.

N) Nickname. What are the nicknames they have for their s/o? Do they like when their s/o uses nicknames?

When he's under contract, you can call him whatever you damn well please, but when you're in a relationship... he's not huge on pet names. Anything simple, that just manages to showcase the nature of your relationship with him is acceptable, and for you, well, he is partial to just saying your name, but if he had to choose a pet name, 'love', or 'my love', is really the only one he's partial to.

As for me, I'm partial to Char-Bear (pronounced chair-bear) But I've a feeling that wouldn't be his first pick...

[boytickler35]

Jedi Fallen Order: Ticklish Padawan

  Cal groans as he leans against the huge tree trunk. He puts the electro-binoculars up to his face and looks down at the imperial outpost below. Nothing’s happened for hours and despite constantly reminding himself that a Jedi is patient, he’s beginning to get restless and maybe a little bored. One of Saw Gerrera’s people suggested checking out this place, intel apparently said they had a lot of recent wookie warrior captives and it may give a lead to Tarfful’s whereabouts. 

He’s starting to doubt that intel now because so far this outpost seems to exist only to harvest the apparently extremely explosive sap. At the very least that’s the only thing he’s seen them do and it’s mind numbing. Playing with something so explosive should at least be more interesting than it is.

Apparently BD agrees because for the past few hours the little droid has paced the branch. For a while he was challenging some alarmingly large beetles. That at least was kind of funny to watch but then the droid moved on to stepping on as many leaves as it could find, apparently the crunch was satisfying. It was less amusing but only because the droid looked at him after each one with a certain smugness that was vaguely annoying.

He’s been half meditating and half day dreaming for a while now, checking once in a while but he’s been distracted. He’s pulled too by something nudges against the bottom of his foot. He flinches and pulls it away but when the same thing happens to the other, he looks down and sees BD1 nudging his foot and a grin, not related to the tickling breaks out on it.

    "Cut it out Buddy."

    The little droid buzzes, beeps, and whirls at him, concerned at his reaction apparently and he chuckles. "No problems, I'm working as intended, I promise."

    More beeps and he laughs again. "It’s some weird thing we fleshy guys have. It's called being ticklish."

    Another series of beeps and he replies, "No, it's just something silly we do."

    More noises and he says, "It's sort of like...think of it like when you got into Greez's repair kit and got shocked by one of his electro welders. Remember you told me it got your circuits feeling fuzzy? It's like that, we feel all fuzzy on that place."

    BD1's reply leads him to think a moment before saying, "I mean...our feet, sides, underarms, it depends on the person."

    An excited trill from the droid presents him with a choice, he’s bored, extremely, but is he this bored? Maybe, he could very well have grown out of it. "I don't know buddy...it's been a long time, I'm not really suRE! Hey cut it ouHouT."

Apparently not willing to take a wishy-washy answer the droid helped himself, bumping his body up against the Jedi's socked foot, with or without permission.

    Cal pulls his leg back but that just leads to the little droid targeting the other and nuzzling up against it in a surprisingly tickly way.

    "BDhEhEhEHe! STAhAp!" The little droid manages to keep up his persistent attack and the young Jedi finds himself surprised by the tenacity of his partner.

    It isn't until he grabs the droid with both hands and lifts him up that he manages to stop the droid who warbles at him in confusion.

    "Laughter doesn't mean I'm enjoying it." His voice is very dry, like Master Taro's before coffee.

    A few curious beeps from the droid and Cal sighs, “Is it really that fascinating to you?” He can’t understand it but then again, droids are often interested in weird things.

    Another series of warbles and beeps and Cal replies teasingly, “I dunno BD, I might be pretty ticklish, I don’t know if I want you playing around.”

    Apparently not understanding the teasing BD makes a sad trilling sound and hangs its head and Cal sighs, “Relax buddy, I was kidding. Here.” Setting the little droid down and then pulling off his socks. He hesitates for a moment and it occurs to him that he’s seventeen and probably should feel a little more embarrassed about this.

    He balls the socks up and shoves them in his boot. The whole time the little droid watches him in curious silence. When he extends his legs, face as red as his hair he mumbles. "Go on and have your fun."

    The droid looks at his feet and then back at him and then lets out an excited warble and hops over to them, Cal thinks he hears the droid purring, and then nuzzles up against them.

He's not sure when he became so sensitive, if it's a by-product of reconnecting with the Force or if he's always been this bad, and that's so much more embarrassing to think about lie that, but whatever the cause, the smooth, metallic body, cool against his warm feet, is extremely effective.

So much so that he nearly kicks the droid and sends him off the tree...which would be bad, very bad since without BD1 he can't find what Master Cordova is trying to lead him too.

Usually he'd say he'd miss the droid but right ow BD1 seems intent on making him not feel that.

Now he's just worried about damaging the little machine but rather than stop, the droid manages to step it up, finding a way to tickle even more by sticking out his hacky spinny droid part which he uses to poke at Cal's feet, getting more laughter.

    To add insult to injury the droid beeps a few times and when his tickled brain pieces the droid speech together he blushes deeper and laughs out, "TWhehArP!IhEHECAhaheNStheheHEillCrhAhAshYohohU!"

    It's an empty threat but one he makes anyway and the smugness of the droids next chatter makes him not not feel bad for it but he's too busy laughing and also making sure he doesn't move too far from the center of the branch he's perched on.

Apparently though, besides having a surprisingly sassy program built up somewhere, BD is also pretty creative because Cal suddenly feels a very tickly shock shoot though his foot and a glance through his tears confirms the little pest is actually shocking his foot with what he can only assume is a very low voltage and it serves to not only tickle him itself, but also senstizes his feet which they really don't need.

    Of course that just pleases the little droid all the more and he continues his assault. Cal bites his lips but the shocks leave his feet feeling tingly which means that the pokes and prods mess with him even more.

    It's then that the little droid gets a new, and for Cal, terrible idea and bends it's little head to use the antennas sticking off the top of his head. Alone they don't tickle as much but both of them trace over his soles at the same time messes with him.

Worse, BD takes the creativity to a new level and mixes nuzzling with bumping his head, either inadvertently or purposely mixing up the sensations between the antennas dragging across his soles and poking them.

    He very nearly kicks the droid off the branch again and one of the thin antennas accidentally slips between two of his toes. He has to clap a hand over his mouth to keep the laughter in. Once again the little droid proves he's much too clever for his own good, or more importantly Cal's, because after that, the droid abandons using his antennas and switches back to his original tool of Cal's voluntary humiliation.

However rather than just random pokes, the droid seems to have learned and goes right for his toes, or in this case between them and Cal nearly faints from how much is tickles and how much he can't laugh. It borders on agonizing and he ends up pulling his feet back, carefully sheltering them from the adamant little machine which he scoops up, earning him some disappointed trilling.

    "Shh BD, you're going to give us away if you keep up."

    A cheeky trill comes back to him. Cal rolls his eyes and nudges him. "Yea, yea, I'm going to give us away."

    Another warble, more questioning this time and Cal's face flushes dark red. "Haven't you learned enough?"

    The reply makes him even redder. "Fine, we'll, we'll see about it when we get back."

The whistle is definitely smug as he sets the droid down to pull on his socks and boots. He reaches over to give his partner a nudge and replies, "You're lucky your cute ya know that?"

Another smug reply has him rolling his eyes. "Sure, sure. Just hope at the next workbench I don't decide to get some payback."

[haleigh-sloth]

¿How do you feel about the VH arc now that your way of thinking has changed?

It's still not my favorite arc.

That's my nice way of saying I still....just really don't like it. But my reasons are different now.

My old reasons were because I was wanting something the manga was never going to deliver on---looking for ways to dismantle their society in-manga, before the end. And at the time, what I was wanting was the kids to see it through the villains' eyes and go rogue. In a way, it was less about validating the villains' actions (because I didn't need that) but more about INvalidating the heroes.

Looking back, I feel like I just got caught up in the idea that the LOV wanted something better, wanted to make changes, and eventually the kids would agree!

But no, that's not what was ever, ever written. That's not how the villains are written, at all. So I have let those negative feelings toward the arc go. That was my own fault for misreading the characters and having unrealistic expectations. But what remains is my dislike for the pacing, the length, the characters involved, and how little was actually accomplished.

First, I still think it is WAY too many chapters. Way too many for what was accomplished.

The accomplishments:

Deku vs. Nagant, him realizing not everything is black and white, things are fucked up, and not everything on the surface is as it seems with heroes. Now, he says all of these things in chapter 314, but the follow up is still just "here is my hand full of hope". And look, I have no issues with the notion of a character bringing the light back into someone's eyes, I fucking LOVE that whole bit, (and I mean I very much expect the same thing from Izuku/Tomura), but that's not a great follow up to "society is gray and shit is fucked".

Izuku ditching All Might--AM realizing he fucked up by letting this sacrificial kid do things solo.

AFO getting into Izuku's head.

All of these things were fine to happen (some of them necessary!) but it took way too long for....three notable things? to happen, in almost 20 chapters. It really could have been condensed to like, barely even 10 tbh.

Second, it just didn't do Midoriya justice. It was very strange and OOC for him to have 0 reaction to a government sponsored hero committing MURDER behind the scenes, like, no reaction? Maybe the idea is that he's jaded af and isn't shocked anymore, but that wasn't SHOWN. So, I find that this really screwed his very solidly established characterization. Beyond that, I mean, he was supposed to come out of it with a different way of thinking, right? But he didn't. I mean, yes, teamwork is a good thing he needed to learn. He doesn't have to do everything on his own. But I mean other than that..? He already decided he wanted to save Tomura before that. And tbh idk if that was just Horikoshi being impatient and wanting to put the idea out there right then and there, or he just didn't think it through, idk. But it was done in a way where Izuku didn't have a whole lot of things to *realize* during his time solo. He already had the BIG epiphany, so what was left? If it was just to spiral due to taking everything so heavy on his own, I still believe that could have been done a lot quicker.

Third, the arc just really shows how wonky and inconsistent the world building is. Again, I have ditched the absolute NEED for their society to be dismantled on screen. I realize now that this is very much a character driven story. The villains are not written in any kind of way where a fix to society would do them any good in their current situations. They just aren't, their personal problems have taken the front seat. And I have no complaints there because the emotional/interpersonal aspects of the manga are the strongest points in it. But still.....the arc really does just showcase how wishy washy the author is being with his social reform messages.

Fourth, I just really didn't find a reason for there to be so much screen time given to Hawks, Endeavor, and Jeanist. I mean, Endeavor and Hawks had NO development at all that arc, and Jeanist is barely a character to begin with. I like Hawks a lot now actually, but I still feel this way about his presence in that arc! Endeavor, I'm much less averse to his arc than I was, but still....he did nothing in those chapters. So just why.

BUT! I'm not gonna complain when the episodes drop. I'm gonna watch them and really try to appreciate the arc. Maybe the anime will take creative liberties (show Tomura more pls mayhaps?) or maybe not and just seeing it animated and acted out will help. Who knows.

But this is the most I'll go on about the negative thoughts I have toward the arc, the last thing I wanna do is fucking complain constantly. Nope.

[swallowingseawater]

Could i request hcs of the first years confessing to gender neutral reader?

Hell yeah!!! I’m still avoiding my test but that’s not important.

( I had to go back and reread aces and deuces personal stories for this)

Ace

As the self-proclaimed smartest of the first years, Ace already knew his feelings early on in your friendship.

Not wanting to ruin anything he’ll choose to keep his feelings to himself … until he receives your Valentine’s Day gift from you.

He takes a peek at everyone else’s gifts before deciding to confess, he’ll write you a letter and send it to your dorm thanking you for the gift. Of course with his usual Ace teasing in the letter but will ask to meet with you after class.

He gets terribly anxious while waiting classes to end and for everyone to leave. Once you enter the class room he is in. Before even saying hi he’ll tell you

“ I always thought you weren’t my type before, looks like I was wrong”

He won’t elaborate any further what he means, he’ll just look at you awaiting your answer.

If you tell him you like him too, he’ll get a smug smile on his face. Truthfully all his anxiety has been relieved and he’s truly happy. But on the outside he’s already started teasing you about being so bold before you can start getting too mad at him, he’ll suggest you two go do something fun for your first date.

If you give him any other reaction other than that you like him to, he will simply play it off as a joke and make fun of you for believing it. He might be a bit more cruel with his teasing for the next couple of days til he gets over it.

Deuce 

You’re getting this confession after he goes through his “ ITS OKAY THAT IM STUPID” Epiphany

He will call his mom asking how he should confess to you. His mom will suggest a whole bunch of ideas before asking all about you. From what you look like to how you act, it’ll have him rambling until he needs to hang up before someone else hears.

With his mother’s words in mind he’ll probably buy you flowers on the same day that there are no classes. Meeting you at your dorm.

Once you open the door he’ll show up looking extremely flustered before saying

“ you’re my buddy you know, … but can we be more than buddies”

If you accept he’ll be overjoyed dropping the flowers he’s holding to pick you up and hold you on his excitement. You should invite him in for your two’s first date. He can’t wait to tell his mom :’)

If you for some time to think about it, he’ll smile gently and nod. He’ll hand you the flowers to you before leaving. He’ll have to tell his mom that right now it’s a maybe but he won’t give up that easily on you.

If you reject him, you can physically see his heart shatter, he’ll drop the flowers he got for you in shock. He’ll nod and say he understands but truthfully what’s on his mind right now is, how is he going to tell his mom. :’(

I have a soft spot for moms pls excuse this

Jack

Jack is the type of person to be wishy- washy with his confessions like he won’t just send a text or leave a note but he also won’t say it straight-forward that he likes you.

It will take him really fast to realize his feelings but forever for him to decide that he should confess.

Jack is very much the one person for life kinda guy so he might call his dad or ask Ruggie what he should do. Ruggie will definitely laugh and tease him about it, might even give him knowing looks if he sees you both together.

After probably days of going through pros and cons lists he’ll try and confess.

He’ll ask if you can meet him somewhere for lunch or ask you to meet him after his track practice. He’d rather die than say anything publicly.

Once the time finally comes you’ll be able to see just how violently Jack’s tail is shaking before he explains what he wanted to tell you.

“ Wolves usually have one partner for life, will you be mine?”

If you accept his tail will definitely be sprain itself with how hard it’s wagging. He’ll smile happily and ask you when your free so you can go on a date.

 if you asks for time to think it over, he’ll accept that and just ask that you tell him when you figure out if you’ll accept his feelings and return them.

If you reject him, his tail will freeze in place, he’ll nod and say that he understands. Give him some space before you try talking to him normally. He won’t try to convince you, he’ll just accept it as it is.

Epel

Epel is either going to take a verrrrry long time to realize his feelings or it hits him so hard randomly that he’ll have to excuse himself right then and there

He is the type to not back down from what he wants, if he thinks he isn’t there yet with you then he’ll beg for Vil and Rook to help him.

Poor boy is going to hell for you, as Vil and Rook perfect him in preparation for his confession.

He’ll head over to Ramshackle dorm once Vil and Rook say he’s ready and his chances at getting rejected are lowered significantly.

“ I want to be a strong and independent person for you, please let me be your boyfriend!!”

If you say yes Epel will accidentally drop his accent in the excitement as he nervously nods his head at your words. He can’t wait for your first date together.

If you ask for some space to think he’ll quietly nod and tells you to take all the time you need before he returns to Rook and Vil. Rook will probably be watching stalking you til you give your response.

If you reject him, his entire accent will drop and he won’t be able to hold back his disappointment and sadnesses. He will sob right there in front of you before running off. You should give him a lot of space and time before trying to talk to him again.

Sebek

This is assuming this happens when he’s a 1st year and not later.

For him to confess to you it would probably take a ridiculous amount of time, no matter how obvious you like him or him liking you is to everyone else.

Before he attempts to confess he probably asks for advice from Lilia and Malleus ( two very unhelpful people in the love department)

Will probably do it a very random time with no build up to his confession. This is probably because Malleus gave him some sort of motivation before hand. You’ll just be eating lunch mid bite when this happens or minding your own business literally anywhere before it’s interrupted loudly by Sebek’s “ HUMAAAAN”

“HUMAAAN, to think I’d develop feelings for someone like you is unexpected, BE MY PARTNER”

It’s very bold, straightforward, and will definitely put you on the spot no matter what. This now can go in different ways depending on your response.

If you agree he’ll get this smug look on his face and loudly proclaim of course you wouldn’t reject someone of a superior race. He’s going to drag you on your first date, which is going to be talking about Malleus while drinking tea. He doesn’t do coffee dates remember that

If you tell him to give you sometime to think it over, unfortunately he’s not giving you any space instead he will dial up all his efforts in making sure you know how good of a boyfriend he would be.

If you flat out reject Sebek, he’ll physically get teary-eyed and demand an explanation of why. He’ll probably still try to prove himself to you unless Lillia stops him.

Special bonus grim

Don’t expect much from this little guy, it will take him a while for you to be promoted from henchmen to his partner in crime. It’ll be on the one year anniversary of you being transported to his world that he’ll realize how good friends you are. As well as how much he wants to keep being friends with you.

“ the spent with you, how should I put it ….. not bad I guess. Let’s continue to treat each other well!”

There is no rejection option you can only agree to keep taking care of your arson child.

[puzzle-paradigm]

So I was thinking about this promo and my own experiences as a Jewish person, and even though it isn't really recent or relevant anymore, more than one (2!) people expressed interest in hearing my thoughts, and apparently that's enough for me, so buckle up.

So before I talk about The Big Noticeable Thing, I wanted to talk about Jewish representation in media a little more generally. First of all, could there be criticisms about MJF's "rich asshole" character as it intersects with Jewish stereotypes? Yeah, probably. But right now I'm trying to focus more on the positives.

There is a certain character type Jewish people (specifically Jewish men) fall into in media: Sidekicks, passive, wishy-washy, weak, comedic relief, and, unless the movie is about the Shoah, almost never the driving force behind the story. So I'll admit, seeing a Jewish man who so effectively bucks those stereotypes- Aggressive, angry, talented, and a hugely powerful driving force- it made me happy. It's a way I rarely see people like me, and especially not in media for Goyish audiences- hang on to that last part, it'll come up again later.

So, onto The Big Deal- the quarters story. So, minor confession, I didn't watch the episode that this promo is from-I didn't really have access to a tv at the time. But the second it came out on youtube, one of my friends sent me a link with the message "You're going to want to see this."

As soon as I heard the words "rolls of quarters" my stomach sank, because I knew exactly how the story was going to end. Not going to go into too much detail, but I have a similar story (Freshman year of high school, cafeteria, pennies, "Pick it up, Jew"), and I know plenty of other Jews who share it. It's a common experience. To this day I don't pick up money I find on the sidewalk if there is anyone around, and I can directly trace why right back to that time in the high school cafeteria.

I wasn't shocked that he'd had that experience (regardless of if you think it was dramatized, I don't doubt for a second that something like that happened). Like I said, plenty of Jews have, more than you probably think. What shocked me was that it was being talked about. I have never seen an experience like this talked about on tv, and especially not so frankly, and doubly so for a goyish audience. For the first time, pretty much ever for me, someone was talking about my experience in public. They were talking about it, without couching or softening it or making it palatable so the goyim don't think we're complaining.

And the crowd booed him. The crowd listened to his (and my, and my parents' and my friends') story and decided the appropriate response to someone sharing an experience of antisemitism- dramatized or fictionalized or not- and they decided that was something that needed to be mocked and shouted down. One of the commentators (I don't recall who, and I'm not going to go and check) even remarked that they were making the wrong choice doing that.

As a Jewish person, that sends a pretty clear message: People don't care, and it shouldn't be talked about. It's not exactly a new thing to see-people have told me antisemitism isn't real, directly to my face and in real life- but I won't say that I wasn't surprised.

I don't know. There's not really a neat way to come up with a conclusion. On one hand I'm glad that this sort of thing was said, but on the other, I'm still disappointed in the reaction. I've probably embarrassed myself by rambling, but I had a lot of thoughts, and hopefully I did a decent job of explaining.

I guess I just feel like this was important, in a way that is really hard to put into words, but if you've experienced it you know- representation really does matter, even when that representation is a rich, egotistical asshole.

[nighthazerpg]

Not Quite Patch 0.3.6

There’s a rework of Armour Enchanting and Mech Shields and some updates to the Starter Item Kits that I want to do that will probably tip the version number over, but they need a little more work and I demand action now, dammit! So here’s The Rest Of That Patch:

New item: Duelling Poncho! A way to disrupt melee attacks as a Reaction.

I have come to acknowledge that the Bruising concept sucks, and these sources of stamina damage are being added back into the game. However, we have not learned nothing. Bean Bag Rounds and the Water Cannon now knock their targets prone, and the Martial Art that lets you choose whether your unarmed attacks do Body damage is still there (but changed name to the more thematic "Deadly Strike").

This leaves Improvised Weapons in a weird spot, because all of this faffing around has been to try and make picking up any kind of tool a meaningful improvement over your bare hands, without negating the value of buying a weapon. I don’t know why I didn’t think of the Fragile property earlier - Improvised Weapons now break after the first hit you land with them. Not on a miss, mind you - just when you connect.

Also added Improvised Shields and Found Cloths to the list, and changed Thrown Blunt objects to Stagger the target instead of doing Body damage, to diversify the available options.

Some Background changes:

The Medicart Doctor background was always a little bit hard to find a proper perk for, and the one they ended up with is a bit wishy-washy. After thinking about it, Medicart covers a lot of the other bases of gameplay - Nurses are good for combat, Surgeons and Pharmacists are good in downtime, so it stands to reason that something that can benefit infiltration would be good - so what I’ve arrived on is a more mechanically firm version of what they have at the moment. You can make a Medicine check on someone and your successes are a pool of bonus dice to use on later Diplomacy checks. Simple!

The Arbitr perk has been changed to something similar, just with Processing, and you can be observing a person, location or activity. As funny as being able to Bugs Bunny distract people in combat for an extra round is, I think people seriously trying to play a lawyer are probably not going to find themselves in the thick of combat very often.

The Cult of Doom felt a little bit... weird in its previous iteration. I’m not sure having a sect of cold-loving berserkers makes a ton of sense in the fiction, so it’s been given a face lift. (If your entire build revolved around the mechanic of getting a combat bonus for being frostbitten, feel free to keep it, I’m not your dad.) The new Orientist church is supposed to be the kind of hellfire-and-brimstone preacher, similar to what apocalyptic churches in our world actually look like. The perk is real simple - your Inspire works backwards. Instead of adding to the dice pools of allies, you take dice away from opponents by being a terrifying motherfucker.

Changes to Traits and things that follow on from those changes:

The benefit of Big-Boned and penalty of Half-Pint never actually... did anything? The +2 body weight of Big-Boned is more of a tradeoff than a straight benefit, and the carry weight penalty of Half-Pint, while substantial, is also easily negated by the carry weight floor, and kinda contributes to the “dump Body” build strat, which I don’t want to encourage. So here’s some new stuff:

In addition to the Body Weight increase, being Big-Boned now gives you Poison Armour. Yay!

Being a Half-Pint no longer penalises your Carry Weight. That kinda sucks and I imagine nobody is sorry to see it go. Instead, you are more throwable! Any effect that knocks you Prone also knocks you back 1 Tile, in addition to any other knockback that applies.

In order to tidy up a few contradictions, Nausea is finally being fully removed (wish I could say the same for myself) to smooth out the structure of Resolve Injuries (there may be more to come there because Resolve is currently the only Injury type where you really need to remember how you got hurt). This necessitates changing a few things:

You should probably not be able to die from Motion Sickness, so now instead of stacking Resolve Injuries, it just gives you one and Dazes you, which goes away on its own after some time to rest out of the car.

The Allergy trait now just gives you a deadass Normal Resolve Injury, which it really should have done with the Injury changes at the start of 0.3. A little more serious than 15 minutes of queasiness, but still something you can sleep off.

The Poison Scar now Dazes you when you take Resolve damage rather than being an Armour penalty vs. Nausea which never really attacked you anyway so it was kind of a nothing burger. I may start updating some of the Scar penalties to be more interesting challenges like this.

Anoxia has had to be reworded a little bit because it was the only thing that referenced “Critical Nausea”, instead just being its own subtype of Resolve injury. Given the nature of suffocating, this may be changed to Mind when I’ve had some time to think about it, because that would make it even simpler.

Miscellaneous stuff:

Changed the Shield Wall spell to use your ranks in Spellcraft rather than your Mind score for its strength

The Tripshot Trickshot now allows an ally in Melee range of the Tripped target to Capitalise

Added to the list of things that fluoresce under the Blacklight flashlight

Small fixes done yesterday:

Specified that the Nerves of Steel Stunt works on a 1:1 basis

Removed some references to removed Diplomacy mechanics and deprecated terms on the Backgrounds tab

Specified in the Pinnacle background that you cannot be a University Professor of Perception

Changed the rules for hotwiring automated Vehicles so they behave like Manually controlled drones - you do better if you have a Control Visor than if you're just using your phone or laptop to drive it, and until you can Offgrid it properly and install a steering wheel and pedals, you're vulnerable to Connection disruption effects

Specified that Brand Spoofing needs to take the usage setup into account so you can't just cheese the check by removing every implant except the one you're working on

The Diplomacy example of play was using the old diplomacy skills

Specified that you can perform an Execution or a Knockout on someone you have Dead to Rights

Also changed the description on the Church of Luna background to give a more concrete idea of what they actually do (ghetto therapy)

[novelmonger]

Five Nights at Freddy's 2 - In some ways, scarier than the first one because you don't have any doors to close. But in other ways, I found it less scary because it's just so chaotic. I think this might be the one with the most animatronics you have to face? By the time you get to the last night, you don't have time to be scared. It's just a frenetic heart-pounding adrenaline rush all the way through. I'm honestly kind of amazed I beat the game at all.

The Coma - Oh wow, someone else has played this? I wasn't expecting such a small sample size to yield someone who's actually played this somewhat niche Korean horror game. Basically, you're a high school student who falls asleep in class and then is stuck in a nightmare world where your teacher (whom you have a crush on) is chasing you to kill you, and you have to hide from her in closets and bathroom stalls XD It was fun, but at times I felt like they went a little overboard with the OH NO IT'S SCARY NOW AREN'T YOU SCARED COME ON BE SCARED!!!!!

The Stanley Parable - Not at all surprised this one won! The Stanley Parable is a classic fourth-wall-breaking game where you can follow what the narrator tells you about your story, or go against what he says in dozens of different ways, and he'll react accordingly. It touches on the inherent unnerving quality of liminal spaces, which is something I like to explore.

FFXII - Definitely not my favorite Final Fantasy. I found it really hard to relate to or care about the characters, and I can't help wondering if things would have been better if they'd gone with the original plan of Basch being the main character instead of Vaan. One of the main issues I had with the story was that I found all of the characters and their relationships to be rather wishy-washy. It felt like they were trying to cover their bases, so you could ship whoever you wanted to, but they never committed to anything, so none of the relationships really ended in a satisfying place. I did end up liking the gambit system for the gameplay, though it was quite a change from the usual Final Fantasy fare. I thought an automated battle system would be boring, but it really wasn't. Plus, it was super fun to set the characters up to level-grind, leave the PS2 running overnight, and come back in the morning to find them all higher levels than before :P One downside that I remember, though, was that the dungeons and other gameplay sections were way too long in between story beats. I would cross two huge desert maps full of treasure and monsters and things, and then when I got to the end of it, I'd forget why I was even trying to get there. I blame that most on the story not being very interesting at the end of the day. (Still, there were some things about the game that ended up inspiring an original story of mine, so there's a certain fondness in my mind because of that.)

Until Dawn - Oh wow, I wasn't expecting this game to get such a high score! I was so excited to play this game, and had to wait for years until I finally got my hands on a PS4...but when I finally was able to play it, I found it a little disappointing after hyping it up to myself so much ^^' Some of the graphics are really impressive, but the uncanny valley is strong with this one. Especially after playing the Uncharted games and The Last of Us, both of which predate Until Dawn but managed more expressive and realistic facial expressions even on the PS3 :/ Also, I had the wrong impression about how Until Dawn was supposed to use your own fears and phobias against you; I thought it was going to somehow pay attention to your reactions to things as you went through the story, but literally it was just a few unimportant details that get altered because of questionnaires you answer at certain points. All the same, I enjoyed playing through the somewhat-predictable "group of teens are attacked by monsters in a cabin in the woods" story, and even went so far as to 100% the game so I could see all the different paths the story could take, and save all the kids in the end. I was also impressed with how much I ended up sympathizing even with the characters I initially found annoying. I think that has a lot to do with feeling responsible for them because your choices make a difference in the characters' fates.

Yomawari: Night Alone - Aw, I'm not surprised nobody voted for this, but I am a little sad :( It's surprisingly cute for a truly scary horror game - you play as a little girl in a Japanese town who's home alone but ventures out into the night, looking for her lost dog. Along the way, you encounter a whole bunch of monsters and ghosts and things haunting the empty town, and you have to figure out how to outsmart or appease each of them in order to survive. I found it very creepy and challenging - and also rather sad :'(

Zuma's Revenge - This game is dangerously addictive. It's a casual game (tile-matching game, I guess?) where you play as a frog who gets stranded on an island and has to fight against the...tiki gods or something? by spitting colored balls into the stream of colored balls in each level, matching the colors up before they reach the end. Each level gets harder and faster, there are bosses with various gimmicks, and it's so easy to get sucked in with the satisfying sound effects and little dopamine rushes. I remember playing this mostly through finals one year at college, because I just desperately needed something mindless but also challenging in between studying madly and scribbling reams of papers out. But I haven't gone back to it since, because I know it would consume my life ._.

The Spectrum Retreat - I played this one recently. Really interesting color-based puzzle game where you play as someone who is apparently stuck in a simulation of a hotel...possibly against your will? And you're trying to get out. There's much more to the story than that, which you have to figure out as you go along, but the focus of the game is on the puzzle sections, which reminded me somewhat of The Witness. (Unfortunately, another similarity with The Witness was that it gave me motion sickness.) Again, not surprised nobody voted for it, but if you like puzzle games, maybe you should check it out! It really makes your brain churn.

Arbitrarily-Chosen Video Game Tournament, Round 1.8

Welcome to the Arbitrarily-Chosen Video Game Tournament, where we will find out which of the games I've played is the best game of all time!

Why? Don't ask. Just vote and reblog!

[shihalyfie]

Daisuke and Miyako

Daisuke and Miyako have a very interesting relationship, given that it’s never given anything you could call front-and-center in 02, and yet is actually one of the more prominent dynamics among the 02 cast in practice. How? Well, let’s talk about it.

It’s rather common for 02 fans to endearingly call the kids “idiots” (and especially after Kizuna, where they’re not only idiots but also idiots with the terrifying power of being recognized by society as adults). They are an incredibly chaotic group, and while all six of them are guilty in some way or another, Daisuke and Miyako are probably the ringleaders of that chaos, since the other four tend to facilitate it by being enablers.

Both Daisuke and Miyako have a similar surface temperament -- they’re messy, all over the place, and not exactly the epitome of dignified, but they’re also just slightly off from each other that it does lead to some degree of friction. Daisuke, despite ostensibly seeming abrasive on the surface, is actually quite deferential and will often “deflate” when people criticize him, or at least, even if he does lash out, it’ll be more in a defensive sense that comes from him thinking he’s being made fun of or attacked. Miyako, on the other hand, is absolutely someone who will go on the aggressive, make her opinions clear and continue to aggressively put her foot down at anything she hates, is more fond of physical contact (both in an aggressive fighting manner and in an affectionate hugging manner), and will easily get much more impatient and demanding about what she wants. You can see them both in action when they bicker over a dumpling in 02 episode 37; Miyako’s the first one to jump on Daisuke for taking “her” dumpling, Daisuke lashes back at her defensively, and then Miyako starts physically manhandling him. They’re both brash, so of course it naturally leads to some friction, because they don’t really give off the appearance of being happy-happy-joy-joy with each other.

But just because they’re prone to bickering doesn’t mean they dislike each other! In fact, 02 was quite big on the concept of friends being able to do more aggressive things with each other because they trust each other so much, most infamously Yamato punching Taichi in episode 10 with full awareness that Taichi wouldn’t take it badly.

Daisuke and Miyako, in particular, come off as the type to be specifically comfortable with their exact level of bickering-and-yet-closeness. As I’ve pointed out a few times, they never used any honorifics for each other, even though Daisuke normally treats his elders with respect and Miyako uses the proper -kun for most younger boys. Miyako will even go as far as sometimes calling Daisuke with second-person anta (Japanese generally discourages second-person when it’s avoidable, and especially clipped/slang versions like this, so Miyako is effectively handling Daisuke roughly). But whenever circumstances cause one of them to start acting weirdly polite or endearing to the other, it’s made clear that the other finds it really weird.

So in other words, it seems like once the two met and started hanging out together as part of their group of Chosen Children, they unconsciously identified each other as fellow disaster children (or, at least, not worth keeping a sense of polite distance with). And really, they don’t actually “bicker” all that much as much as it’s more like bantering -- Daisuke’s an easy target for teasing but can easily deal with Miyako being so in-your-face, and conversely Miyako can take a lot of Daisuke’s lashing out without taking it too personally.

This is especially interesting when you take into account the fact that they don’t actually even pretend to dislike each other! Certainly, the way they’re prone to bantering and not necessarily even that self-aware means they probably wouldn’t be able to easily say upfront that they’re close with each other, but they also don’t really put on the air of disliking each other at all, and are perfectly happy to work together like they’re partners in crime at times. Miyako is very straightforward about recruiting Daisuke into her little scheme to force Iori and Ken to get along in episode 30, and they’re happy to cheerfully play with each other and act generally in-sync like in episode 38.

(The incident in episode 30 is also of interest because it’s also subtly reminiscent of their overall dynamic -- Miyako’s the one who actively hatches the plan that ultimately ends up in disaster, with Daisuke simply agreeing and playing along.)

In fact, I would even dare to venture saying that prior to Ken’s bonding with the group, Miyako was probably Daisuke’s closest friend (even if it’s unlikely he’d have admitted it). With Daisuke putting Hikari on a pedestal due to his crush on her, having difficulty with Takeru not really being straightforward and constantly on the defensive around him, and Iori requiring polite and distant handling in general, Miyako was the right combination of someone he could bounce off of without necessarily offending her deeply (especially because she’s a rather affectionate person and isn’t the type to really hold grudges). Daisuke, being a painfully transparent and straightforward person, plays best with other people who are clear and transparent, so even if Miyako may be a bit difficult to deal with, the fact she’s very honest and straightforward made her someone Daisuke could be comfortable around. Within the series, they never quite got to the more thoughtful and intimate level that Daisuke and Ken or Miyako and Hikari got, but they developed a very comfortable rapport around each other.

Miyako, for her part, cares a lot about Daisuke’s welfare, and is in fact quite willing to be open about it whenever she’s not bantering with him -- a good example is episode 24, when she notices Daisuke is feeling down from V-mon being unable to evolve and himself being left out of Takeru and Hikari going off together, and goes forward, affectionately grabs him, and gives him a job to do in babysitting the Punimon. At first this looks like simply a way to distract him so that Takeru and Hikari can have some space, but we’re later treated to some shots of Miyako looking at him fondly, making it clear that she was very much invested in making sure he was happy with something to do -- and she even muses that she felt he’d be perfect for the job. (And she gets bonus points for correctly catching on that Daisuke is happiest when he has some kind of purpose.)

And there are some times where Daisuke has some, well, interesting reactions when it comes to Miyako -- in regards to expressing preferences with boys, given that he has a sudden taken-aback reaction to Miyako declaring openly that she likes cute boys like Michael in episode 14 (something that really shouldn’t be surprising to everyone...), or suddenly getting invested in making a case for himself when Miyako calls Ken’s laugh cute in episode 38. Of course, the easiest explanation to beeline to is reading this as ship bait or hinting that Daisuke has a crush on Miyako, but regardless of whether you want to read it as shippy or not, I think it’s boring to just end the analysis at merely that and call it a day -- so, either way, Daisuke really does care about Miyako’s opinion of him and her approval, not entirely unlike the way he does with most elders. And given that, in Hurricane Touchdown, he lashes out at Wallace for attempting to flirt with her (to the point of it metaphorically breaking his goggles), he can get surprisingly protective of her, too!

Bring it around a whole eight years later in Kizuna, and the first time you see both of them on screen together, Daisuke of course picks up the banter with her -- cheerfully, of course.

This is later followed up by another amusing interaction in which Miyako, rather impatient with Daisuke being wishy-washy and beating around the bush talking with Yamato about what they found out about Menoa, physically grabs the phone from him (again: much more prone to intervening physically) and gets more directly to the point than he did -- leaving Daisuke to not really argue back, but pout at her irritably.

But of course, they’re still willing to be perfectly in sync at times -- during the drama CD, which takes place right before the movie, Daisuke has no qualms jumping in once she and Hikari go on a dramatic spiel about Spain misadventures.

So in other words -- they’re the same as ever.

[clandestine-j]

Gossip Girl, EP. 4 Reaction & Review

Finally, I've gathered all of my thoughts for ep. 4! I had this really cool extra post to the intro and had more thoughts but then I lost the entire thing so I had to re-write the entire post SO, yeah, this is all I have for this part. Also, if anyone has those bts photos please let me know, i’m looking for the ones that have the audience reacting to max’s dick pick from the fashion show, aki biting his lip. please send. 

ADULTS:

Kate & CO: JAIL JAIL JAIL. We had that one teacher being turned on by incest and ruining kids lives. DO BETTER IN JAIL. I'll say tho, the male teacher makes a better gossip girl, he doesn't feel bad and is enjoying it. Kate could never.

Rafa: JAIL. JAIL. JAIL. JAIL. JAIL. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU. I hate that they showed us this man having common sense. This man, pushing Max away sexually but understanding that he needs serious help. I hate that they just didn't have them flirting and show us him saying no, I'm so upset. I'm even more upset that I fell for him being the character to subvert the trope. I can only blame myself but blame HBO as well. I also hate the comments saying it's okay or well, the show needs scandal and spice. They could've been photographed together in normal clothes, just standing next to each other. Max could lie to GG. There are a bunch of ways these could become an IC scandal without having them cross the line. If you support this, you need help.

OUR KIDS:

Max: My boy needs therapy, lots of it. Maybe rehab. On one hand, he's being taken advantage of because he's clearly going through something and more than just his dads and he has been for a while. His escapism is dangerous and anyone would be able to prey on that. On the other hand, I need someone to beat his ass. His lines to Rafa about money and career were punch worthy and out-right willing to lie about Rafa doing something to him, even just to press Rafa's buttons. He needs help, he needs to be taught boundaries, he needs a lot. And why were the only two people concerned for his week-long disappearance Aki and Audrey, the whole squad should've had the guns out, friends since childhood, sure.

Obie: My boy, I get that you didn't like where you saw Zoya headed. I get that in some aspects you were right about her being a little too involved and suspecting Julien. That being said, she was having real problems and troubles and needed support. Do better. Obie still isn't the worst character on the show and many of them are SOOOO much worse. He doesn't deserve the all of the smoke he's been getting when their are better people for it.

Monet & Luna: I hate them as people and love them as characters that move the plot. I guess I could see how they thought the fuck school thing was horrible (and Julien too since she planned on showing Obie). The directors cut, I don't think they thought it'd ruin Zoya, they're just fucking cruel and found it funny. Let's box. Also, why are ya'll so pressed over this CHILD. Like get over it, find a real up-coming social media star. 

Aki & Audrey: My good sis, you brought a gay man to make Aki jealous. I'm sick, it was fucking funny. Her comments at first were off the wall, I wish the writers would've done something else but a lot of woman don't see it as normal so I sort of get it. I'm glad she came around by the end. And Aki...he was a little spicy this episode, my boy was ready to pop off a bit AND I AM HERE FOR IT. My dude said, 'I don't regret kissing him' I was THROWN. Aki being with Audrey helps me like her more because she's a bitch that's still ready to gun for a now 15 year old girl but her and Aki's relationship is cute. They could break up and be fine which is great, I love that their relationship is really more than just dating and the friendship is strong. I'm here for it.

Zoya: It's just bad writing but my head canon is trauma. Trauma from her moms death death, trauma from the past and current bullying that caused her lash out. I felt like this was her breaking point (so far) and anything gossip girl related as always came around to Julien. If she trusted Julien more, she wouldn't have thought of her as the person causing her issue's but she doesn't trust her. They were civil but even at the end of ep 2. Her 'hell yeah' to Julien about bonding was too dry, too dry. I think a big part of her just doesn't trust Julien and she'll always think the worse because she's seen mostly the worse. And that video, horrible, I'd hate everything about my birthday too after that and even before. Her emotions during the scene and the talk with Julien, ouch. And while I'm happy that Zoya found herself in the end, YES GIRL POP OFF. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED. THIS IS THE FLAVOR. I WAS WAITING FOR THIS AND I WANT MORE. I DEMAND MORE. I SEE A SPARK OF A BITCH, LET HER OUT GO, GO ALISON DELAOTRUINES ON THESE BITCHES.

Julien: Once again, I love Julien as a character, I know she's supposed to be struggling and for that, It's fun to watch her BUT. Julien could never be on my team, she's too wishy-washy. That is my issue, she's too, just...flip-floppy with no substance. Like, when she does things wrong, they're expected  to be forgiven / are forgiven without true reflection or anything on her part. She fucks up, she see's its wrong and then she says sorry and goes on it does it again. This episode was just the worst example, like, the moment she heard buffalo, she was ready to send in a tip. Instead of just doing the party normally and being best because she's hear, she sends the video to Monet. She believes Luna and Monet (Monet talking about her throne being taken when Zoya isn't even an influencer) and she eats it up. They were the ones who did the dick pick thing, like girl, THINK. And why does she never get the full plan, why would she not watch the video or why is she so shocked that Luna and Monet would play something like that? She knows them. Friends since childhood? Sure. Using your moms name to make the party about charity? SIS, THE FEUD IS NOT WORTH IT. She says she wants to be sisters but then she switches up so fast and the witches up again, it's whip-last and I'm sick. I hate that she's doing this to her and I hate even more that's is the writers fault. I don't mind a character having personal conflict but make it a conflict. Like after four episodes, why is she still friends with her sisters bullies? At the end of the episode, she says she's gonna tell them to lay down their weapons, NO, shut it down. correct them. make it clear and make it known. I love my girl because she's flawed but I wish they'd linger on things and have her really think about it. I was fine with the i'm sorry speech up until the camera part.

Other random thoughts

fuck the rafa max thing again, i'm not over, i will never be over it

evan mock isn't the best but he does give me face at times, his 'wtf stare', little sly looks, the 'wtf' moment when audrey first asked him if he was gay like 'this bitch' also, give him more annoyed, irritated scenes, he gives in those

have julien go full nice or full evil for a while, pick a side and stick with it for more than one episode

i wish zoya was a bitch at her old school but i'm fine with this too, it explains why she was so reactionary when it came to the bullying at constance, not again!

i wish we could've seen julien talk with davis after that stunt

nick and davis, KISS, the ride scene was 100%

don't talk about obie so soon

i like that she chose to be with julien for the night, it was cute

emily makes these faces that i can't get with

eli brown is a good actor, that shot of him during the traumatic reveal

i will say, zobie might be boring but when they talk, they talk, their communication is p good, i don't hate it

i’d be here for obie x aki bc they’re friends, they got chemistry, aki was giving look lil up and downs this episode, aki was giving a lot of looks this ep, honestly, idk i just don’t want him heart broken 

aki menzies is still my comfort character

i couldn't take rafa serious with his ass out,

whitney's acting in that talk scene, perfect, my girl had me in tears because DAMN

jordan is pretty good but in that scene, go girl, give me nothing

fuck max and rafa

max lied about his dads or at least one, AT LEAST one, i don't think they'd do that, he saw his in and took it

aki and aud, just have that open relationship, ya'll will make it, the way he tucked into her, it was so sweet

davi and nick secret relationship plot

jail for all of the teachers, once again

the hallway scene was great, the cinematography is been clutch overall

music wasn't as jarring

that's about it! i have more thoughts on the show overall that might be another post, they have a lot of amazing ideas but they need to stick with one and flush it out is the overall gist, i'm still into it!

can't wait for five bc i love the angst that's about to hit.

[agustdef]

With All My Heart

Pairing: Tattoo Artist!Hoseok x Doctor!Reader.

Genre: Established Relationship; Angst; Fluff

Word Count: 11K

Warning: Angsty. Language...?; Mention of Death; Mentions of mental health struggles

Rating: PG15

Banner Maker: @httpangelicjimin​ who was wonderful enough to remake this one after realized the other wouldn’t work and then proceeded to use it for I Found You.

Beta Reader: @suhdays​ who knew I was in a rush and was kind enough to offer to beta it for me without me asking. 

When Hoseok came home from his last appointment, he found the apartment mostly silent and way cleaner than when he’d left that morning. Probably cleaner than after the weekly Sunday morning routine was finished, which was impressing and worrisome. But also made him hopeful.

After discarding his shoes and jacket at the door, he headed to the bedroom where he found YN already settled into bed. She wore a large shirt – with the words fight me with a leprechaun on front – that she’d probably stolen from Yoongi’s closet during their last visit, her bonnet, and a koala face mask. Her eyes were focused on the TV on the wall opposite their bed and she hummed along with the intro to the anime she was watching.

It was the most relaxed he’d seen her in weeks.

“Hey baby,” he said.

That drew her attention towards him, and she smiled when they locked eyes, though that stopped as soon as her mask shifted. She was happy to see him and had missed him after the day she’d spent alone. Not that she was lonely or anything, but it felt nice to break away from being by herself.

“Hi. You’re home early. I thought you had to work on that big piece tonight?” she said.

That made Hoseok annoyed in an instant. He huffed and rolled his eyes while his fingers ran through his hair. The memory of the evening he had before, and after he finished what turned into his last client filled his head.

“She called and said she couldn't make it. Which was fine, because I wasn't up to working on it tonight anyway. I'm still feeling sick I guess. But, then she kept changing her mind, and when she finally decided to come - and said she was on her way - she didn't come at all. No response to calls or any of the messages I sent. But I was scrolling through the shop's feed while waiting for my other person only to see her at some other shop we follow getting a different tattoo. I just told her that if she wasn’t going to honor appointments and give me the run around, then we weren’t the right fit.”

In response YN frowned. It was clear how annoyed and tired he was, even without the added stress of a wishy washy, client who just thought they could do whatever the hell they wanted when requesting someone’s time. She wanted to knock the girl upside her head, but it wasn’t realistic, and she’d never go out of her way to attack someone. Though the idea of cussing her out if she appeared at the shop when YN was around didn’t seem too terrible of a plan.

However, that wasn’t something that either of them lingered on long because Hoseok sneezed five times in a row and by the third he seemed wiped out.

YN took off her mask and threw it in the trash near her side of the bed before hopping up. She opened her bedside table and pulled out a thermometer, which she quickly freed from its little bad as she rounded the bed to where he stood. Hoseok knew better than to argue so his mouth opened before she even raised her arm to stick it in.

They stood there for a moment staring at each other, until they heard the beep and when YN looked at the temperature she winced.

“You went up so much since this morning. You’re practically at fever levels. Go take a shower and get in bed. I’ll get some stuff for you to take,” she said.

There was no way Hoseok would argue with how he felt. It was like once he was at home and stopped moving his body had started to give up. He felt heavy and he ached a little here and there. His head also felt a little weird, but he chalked up part of that to being frustrated. So, once she stepped away from him he dragged himself to the bathroom.

By the time he finished his shower and pulled on some clothes, YN was already back in the room. She’d had a bowl, a mug, and a glass of water sitting on the table near his side of the bed. And she was unfolding a blanket, which Hoseok recognized as one the weighted ones. It was something that YN pulled out whenever one of them was having a tough time sleeping or in general, and when they got sick. Something about the thing eased the body into relaxation that neither of them had ever felt before.

When she noticed his arrival, she smiled at him and patted the bed. Hoseok moved as quickly as his body would allow him and plopped down onto the bed. Before he could do much else she placed the bowl into his hands.

“It’s a mix of the broths from the soup your mom brought and that Mama Min brought. You are to never tell them that I did this. Or that while both are good they taste next level combined. I will not be killed because I took care of you,” she said.

At that Hoseok laughed, and then drank down the broth. YN wasn’t wrong about it being better combined, which was part of the reason he downed it despite the burn he felt. Naturally, YN chastised him as he did because she could see the pain on his face, but he paid her no mind. Once finished, she replaced the bowl with the mug and one look inside had him sitting it down.

“You know I don’t like that version of ginseng. Why can’t I drink the other one?” he whined.

“Because it’s the kind that helps you the most and it hides the taste of the medicine you hate so much. This is your own fault for being a wimp and not wanting to drink it down by itself. So drink it,” she said.

Of course, he didn’t do it right away. Hoseok stared YN down and attempted his best puppy dog eyes and pout, but was met with an unamused expression that became more uncaring as each second passed. That didn’t deter hum though, at least not for about a minute or so when it was clearly she only grew more impatient with him.

With a huff he grabbed the mug and quickly downed the shot of ginseng and medicine. He winced in reaction to how bitter it was and immediately snatched the glass of water up as YN took the mug from him. Once he’d downed that as well she grabbed all the dishes and headed out of the bedroom.

“Get comfortable in bed,” she called back.

Upon return she had both of their 34oz water bottles filled up and ready for them to drink through the night if need be. Which for Hoseok was often while sick and because she’d caught a little of his cold she too needed a few sips at random times if she woke up.

After giving it to him, she climbed into bed and slid under the blanket. It may have been summer but they tended to keep their room on the colder side, which meant that they wouldn’t overheat just because they slept under them; which was good because YN needed to be under a blanket to sleep.

Getting comfortable didn’t take them long, since they were both so wiped out from their days. And despite Hoseok’s sickness they cuddled together, because unlike him YN continued her dose of medicine until it was gone. She knew she wasn’t one hundred percent better even when the symptoms appeared to have left her completely.

They stayed cuddled together for about half an hour watching what YN had on before he’d come home. Nothing felt tense or awkward in their silence, just comfortable and relaxed.

But as time went on Hoseok remembered the feeling he’d had upon his arrival home. The worry that filled him when he saw how much she’d cleaned by herself in the time he’d been gone. And the hope he’d had at knowing she’d found enough energy to even make the effort to clean that much in the first place. She’d been out of it for weeks and it was the first major sign that something changed. Or that’s what he wished for.

Hoseok turned his head to look at her, well more like assess her face. It was relaxed and she seemed genuinely interested in what was on the screen and not off in her own little world. Though once she realized he was staring she turned his way and his assessment was over almost as quickly as it began.

“Can I help you?” she asked, her brow raised.

For a moment Hoseok debated telling her no, but that didn’t sit right with him. He needed to say something or it would bother him until he blurted it out. Or there was a chance she’d bottle it all up and not say anything at all because she was fine or she didn’t want to dump on him because he wasn’t her therapist.

“How was your session?” he asked.

There was a momentary change in her expression, but she didn’t let it linger for long. That made him even more worried, but he waited for her to say something. Though he knew if she was holding back and if he should push her.

“It was fine, I guess. Less crying than usual. We talked about all my other issues and saved how I was feeling about my mom for last. I think she hoped that by keeping me in a time constraint of twenty minutes I’d be forced to get out the main issues first and avoid going off into tangents. She was very wrong about that and the appointment ran for half an hour longer than it should have. I’d gotten so worked up that it wasn’t wise to try to force me down quickly,” she said.

Hoseok nodded along and reached under the blanket to grab her hand but didn’t utter a word. Just like her therapist he wanted her to let things out at her own pace.

“I mean it’s getting easier, but I don’t know. How is one supposed to process the death of their mother? And it doesn’t help that on top of that it’s dealing with how we were estranged. Knowing that my mix of apathy and deep hurt are valid. That it’s okay that I’m not as torn up about her dying as I think I should be. That I’m not torn up about losing a chance at speaking to the sibling that I never wanted to deal with because he moved back to the US. Dealing with calls from a slew of aunts and uncles who regularly give no fucks about me, questioning why I’m not there, and why I chose not to be heavily involved in the process. Why I could only show up. Why I didn’t stay longer.”

The more she spoke the shakier her voice got and it broke Hoseok’s heart. She was getting better and he knew that, but he always knew it was a lot to overcome. The loss of her only parent, despite their relationship, was something hard to deal with or so he imagined it. It had even affected Yoongi a great deal since he’d been close to her before too, but he recovered faster.

More than anything, Hoseok wished he could find some magic way to lessen the pain and confusion for her, but he felt just as helpless as when she found out. She’d come to the shop when she still had six hours of her twelve hour shift left to go and looked in shock. Without a word she’d run into Yoongi’s arms as he’d come out of his room after hearing Jungkook’s frantic calls. There she burst into tears, and through the sobbing told them that her mother had been in a car accident and didn’t make it.

None of them, except Yoongi, had ever seen her cry that hard and he tried his best to be her rock, but he broke with her. They broke down in the middle of the shop, falling to their knees as they cried together. The boys decided to close after that and just let them cry, comforting them when they could. And at some point they called Beau and Mama Min to tell them what had happened.

From there, they had to wait until they were calm enough to get them in a car to head back to Yoongi’s place. There they were met by Beau and Mama Min, who accepted them with open arms. The sobbing started all over again and they slowly got them to calm down enough to eat and shower. Everyone assumed it was a sleepover kind of situation, so they’d gotten Jin and Taehyung to swing by their places to grab stuff for them.

The entire night was just everyone surrounding YN on the makeshift nest they’d made. She never once let go of Yoongi’s hand and he didn’t dare release hers. And as they slept she cuddled into Mama Min’s side holding onto her for dear life with her other hand.

Seeing her shattered like that was eye opening for Hoseok, and he tried his best to make sure she was okay. Work gave her two weeks off, but when she didn’t bounce back quickly they extended the leave for a little longer. Then when that ran out she used vacation time she’d saved up. That was the start of when she actually made progress in not being a shell of her former self and Hoseok would tell her to take off all the time in the world if it meant that she’d be better.

But, as Hoseok sat there thinking about how he wished there was something he could do to fix things he realized there was something he could at least try to make her feel a bit better. And it would allow him to do something that he’d been wanting to for a while.

Smiling at her he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead before pulling away and staring into her eyes.

“We haven’t gone out in a while. So, what do you say about us and everyone going out to the beach for a week? We can do it next week too. Go to the beach house and hang out, have some fun,” he said.

For a moment it felt like she’d say no, especially because she looked so emotional, but then she nodded. And Hoseok watched as a smile worked its way onto her lips, bigger and more genuine than he’d seen in a while.

“That sounds like what I need,” she said.

Happy with that, Hoseok leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pulling away and snuggling into her. They continued their comfortable cuddly night in and slowly drifted to sleep together. Hoseok’s mind focused on planning things out perfectly until he knocked out.

The day before they were to leave to head to the beach house YN had planned to spend it packing and relax because the journey was tiresome. However, Hoseok had other plans and just as she finished packing her stuff he called her to come down to the shop for the night. Saying no was an option, but he sounded so excited that she couldn’t help but say yes.

So, on a Friday night when she could’ve been in her home eating and playing video games she found herself in Hoseok’s tattoo room by herself. Upon her arrival she’d been told he’d run out for a second and would be back in a bit. And in that case a bit meant thirty minutes or so after she got there.

Annoyed was an understatement, especially when she saw that he read the texts she’d sent asking him where he was. When it got too much, she got up to leave, but the moment she put her hand on the knob she was stumbling back because the door was being pushed open from the outside.

Hoseok – sweaty and breathing heavily – held bags of food and balanced multiple drinks in a tray. His eyes were wide and his mouth open in that uncomfortable mouth breathing way. Like YN could see the man’s uvula clear as day.

For a while they stood there staring at each other, that was until Hoseok regained control of his breathing.

“Were you about to leave?”

“Yes. You asked me to come at a specific time and you’re not here. Then I have to wait over thirty minutes where you open and don’t respond to my texts. How much longer did you think I was going to stay? Especially since you asked me to come here when I planned to not leave the couch until I absolutely had to all night,” she said.

At that Hoseok frowned. Moving past her a little he placed the stuff down in the tattoo chair that was reclined back. Then he moved to stand in front of her, his hands cupped her face. He stared at her expression and saw the slight bags under her eyes and the lingering sadness. She’d done so well for almost a week following his proposal of the beach trip, but the last day or two something shifted.

Her mother’s husband had found a way to contact her and it had thrown her off. Though the conversation had gone well it had brought her two steps back. Hoseok had woken up to her crying in the middle of the night and through the tears she’d managed to say that she felt like she was doing something wrong despite knowing she wasn’t. Despite knowing she was doing what was best for her and her mental state she felt like it was all wrong. Overthinking her decisions needlessly. The next morning – after he’d gotten her to sleep – she apologized and told him she knew that she was right and having a conversation with her mother’s husband that didn’t go horribly or fill her with anger felt off.

Things got better after that, but it took more than a moment of clarity and a talk with her therapist over the phone to get her back to where she’d been before. And that was why Hoseok had come up with the idea to call her into the shop. Well Jungkook and Taehyung came up with the idea to take her out before they all left, but he came up with what they’d do.

“I know, but I wanted to do something before we left. I swear we shouldn’t be here all night and I got that burger you were craving,” he said, a pout formed on his lips.

The usual thing would be for YN to throw the smallest of fits because she felt so tired, but his stupid face was there and she couldn’t say no. Plus she hadn’t left the apartment much in a week and needed the change of scenery even if it wasn’t a major one.

YN sighed. “Fine.”

With her answer and the small smile he saw fighting to take form on her lips Hoseok finally stopped his pouting. Leaning forward he pressed a quick kiss to her lips before releasing his hold on her face and moving over to the food. He carefully removed everything from the bags and then ran to put two of the four drinks in the tray into his mini freezer.

All the while YN stood and watched him; she hadn’t wanted to get in the way of what he was doing. The man could be anal about how things were handled when he was attempting to make some nice gesture and she’d been on the end of one of his glares before. Though she knew he wasn’t actually mad she knew not to push it further. There was no need for her to deal with a pouty baby later because things veered off plan; especially since she’d shown up before he could get back.

“Okay, so I know you were craving a burger and I went to the place you like and got you a double cheeseburger with extra pickles and a large fry. Also, a sprite and a chocolate milkshake,” he said.

Hearing him list the things made something stir inside YN. After giving into him she’d gotten less annoyed, but that hadn’t meant her mood shifted completely. Despite not being actively sad she felt down and having him get her the thing she’d been craving and getting her out of the house brightened her day. The corners of her mouth even turned up in a smile, something that hadn’t graced her lips once since she’d arrived – or all that day for that matter.

So, she watched as he excitedly continued and reassured her that the things she didn’t like weren’t on the burger and that he thought it would be good for them to sit in his room to eat. There was something about another plan of his, but she barely heard him as she smiled and watched him closely. His smile grew as he excitedly spoke of his idea, causing her own to do the same.

Hoseok was mid-ramble when he noticed that she was smiling at him. A truly genuine one at that. It made his heart beat a little erratically, but he didn’t mind at all. YN’s happiness was his priority and it felt good for him to see that she looked happy, even for a moment.

“Should we start eating?” he asked.

She nodded and he moved one of his chairs over to her so she could sit down to eat her food at the tattoo chair. In many cases she’d object, but the smell of multiple disinfectants told her that he’d cleaned the thing multiple times before her arrival. Plus, he’d laid a paper you’d see when you went to the doctor over the seat, so there was an added barrier from the food and the not so cleanly people who sometimes sat in it.

Though her mouth watered at the smell and the visual of her food YN waited until Hoseok was seat in his own chair across from her. He gave her a pointed look that she knew well from all the times he got annoyed at her not just eating and she dug into it without a word.

Not speaking was something they maintained for a few minutes before Hoseok swallowed a bite that he barely chewed.

“Did you finish getting everything ready?” he asked.

She nodded, because unlike him she liked to chew her food quite a bit before swallowing it.

“Yeah. Everything of mine is packed, as well as stuff we need for the beach, most of the snacks, and I grabbed all your stuff but didn’t pack it.”

Hoseok scoffed. “Good.”

At that she couldn’t help but to roll her eyes.

“You could’ve just let me pack it all for you. That way you don’t have to worry about it when you get home. Plus, you’re going to ask me to help when something doesn’t fit anyway,” she mumbled.

“I can back my own stuff. I’m a big boy. Besides who says I’ll need your help this time, I’m not even taking a whole lot with me.”

There was no verbal response to that, just a shake of the head as she gave up on the topic. At the end of the day she knew she was right and that Hoseok would come to her whining about something not fitting right or being unable to zip the bag. And the solution would be to refold something, rearrange how things sat, or make him realize he didn’t need as many pairs of shoes as he packed. And he definitely didn’t need to bring multiple colors of the same chunky, ugly pair of shoes that she hated.

She wished she could burn them but he loved them too much.

From there silence persisted for a bit and then she randomly turned her head to see a sketch on his wall of an anime she’d watched a long time ago. Naturally, that started a whole conversation about it and how much Hoseok hadn’t liked it as a kid. Something about his sister forcing him to watch it and him not liking the main character. Which led to a discussion about other main characters they both didn’t like. It spiraled into the difference between characters made unlikable as a part of their stories and how some were just not great and people played them off as unlikable on purpose. That didn’t stop people critiquing them though. Definitely didn’t stop YN.

As they talked their food lessened until it was gone. Hoseok took the initiative to clean it up and directed YN to the freezer. She grabbed their shakes and sat the one that was clearly white and black down on his side, grabbing a straw and jabbing it into her own cup. Her lips wrapped around it to pull some of the frozen treat up, but she struggled with how thick it was. When she finally got some out she pulled away with a smile.

“I see it’s up to your standards of thick. Sure you don’t want a spoon?” he asked upon his return to the seat.

YN shook her head vigorously and went in for more. Part of her brain hated the struggle, but the joy that filled her each time she finally got some was too great. The thick milkshakes were always the best.

While she did that Hoseok moved to his computer and turned on some music, his usual tattooing playlist blasted through the speakers. He turned it down when he saw YN flinch and then slid his chair back over to the seat. He grabbed his own straw and milkshake and sucked it down. It was thick, but the normal kind. No part of him had the patience to wrestle with his food or drink, so despite how much creamier it was her way he chose not to suffer.

About half the milkshake was gone before he got up from the seat and snatched YN’s from her hand – despite protest – to put back in the freezer. When he turned around he was met with her pouting and he wanted to give it back but they had other things to do as well.

“There’s another reason I asked you to come,” Hoseok said.

“Which is?”

He didn’t respond, just gathered a few things and prepped his small rolling table for tattooing before pushing towards her. There was no time to process what he meant by the action because then he was whipping off his shirt and taking a seat in the tattoo chair.

His intentions were beyond clear.

“Today?” she asked.

“Today.”

“But I-”

“Aht, no buts. You’re ready to do this and you were so excited to get to tattoo an actual person. So, today you’re going to do me and then Yoongi another time. Probably the others too since they’re all babies who can’t be left out.” He rolled his eyes while he said the last bit.

“That’s so many, I didn’t sign up for that. And why now? I’m not prepared for this. I don’t even have the stencil ready or-”

Again she didn’t get far because Hoseok pointed to a sheet of paper on the table that had various copies of the tattoo they’d agreed on and a pair of scissors.

The man had truly taken the time to make sure that everything was set. Which was sweet, but also spiked YN’s nerves. So much that any sadness that she’d felt was nowhere on her mind.

Hesitation was clear on her face as Hoseok watched her and he worried she was stuck amid her sadness, but then he noticed the nervous glint in her eyes. He found it cute that the woman cut open people for a living and was worried about how her tattoo would come out. Even though she caught onto tattooing faster than anyone in the shop and had the steadiest hand of all of them.

Reaching over Hoseok cupped her face and forced her gaze on him.

“You’ll do fine. We chose this tattoo because it was quick and basic. Line work and some shading. You even did it a million times on oranges, lemons, and grapefruit. It’ll be great,” he encouraged.

There was an urge to protest, but YN didn’t. She rose from her seat and walked out of the room. She went to wash her hands and then came back to slip gloves onto them. She lifted the arm rest and placed his arm on it, careful to look around for a good spot. Hoseok was tattooed almost completely on both arms, but there was a spot on his left forearm that had enough space.

From there she was kind of on autopilot. She cut the stencil and placed it on the spot to double check that it would work. Once pleased she set it back on the table and grabbed an antiseptic wipe to clean the area. She spent way too much time on that, but Hoseok didn’t comment on it. Before she knew it she was actually placing the stencil onto his skin and peeling it off, the thin purple lines transferred perfectly.

By then the nerves had returned and she was ready to back down, but then she made eye contact with Hoseok and he gave her an encouraging smile. She couldn’t stop then, she needed to see the tattoo through.

She got the gun and the ink ready, but the vibe felt off. So, without a word she rolled over to the computer and pulled off a glove. There were several clicks before Jonghyun’s beautiful voice filled the space. It was the first song on her surgery playlist and in a way tattooing was like that, so it was the perfect relaxer.

After replacing the glove she took off with another one she got to work. The tip of the needle dipped into the black ink and using her free hand she pressed Hoseok’s arm down and began the tattoo.

The design was a crescent moon – which would be shaded in – and a sun combined. Where the moon stopped lines and dots of varying lengths were used to make clear that it was the sun. Nothing intricate, but still something she worried about messing up.

Her movements were careful and steady, her hand moving easily as she traced the outline of the moon. It took her shorter than she thought even with her excessive wiping, but she wasn’t pleased with the outcome. It wasn’t bad at all, basically perfect. However, she’d been so nervous that the lines were too thin.

“If you want it thicker you can do it. I know Yoongi worked with you on that the last few sessions. I only taught you to start with thinner lines just in case you’re unsure,” Hoseok offered as if he read her mind.

YN nodded, chewing on her lower lip as she went in again. That time her lines were a little heavier and though part of her worried that it was a mistake to make them that thick, by the time she’d finished and wiped the excess she was pleased with it.

Being happy with her outcome meant that she felt more confident, which meant she went into the next part with less worry. She shaded the moon in with vigor and had to mutter a few apologies when Hoseok whined about her being too aggressive. It was just that she got excited and so into the work.

Which meant that she didn’t notice Yoongi when he’d silently entered the room. He stood behind her, though about a foot away so he wasn’t crowding her. Him and Hoseok watched as she finished the shading and went on to the lines to create the sun. Her hand moved carefully as she did and though there were a few curses when she thought she messed up, there were also those lightbulb moments when she realized she could make up the length with a few extra dots. Nothing ruined at all.

Once finished she set the gun to the side and carefully used the other items on the table to clean it. Seeing the cleaned version had her scared it was a mess, but the more she stared at it the more she liked it.

“You did good. How the hell did you get that to curve so fluidly?” Yoongi said, startling her with his sudden presence.

“She was so worried she’d mess up, I told her it would be fine,” Hoseok said.

Involuntarily, YN rolled her eyes. They enjoyed double teaming her on everything, but self-doubt was by far their favorite.

“Let the man see the new tattoo,” Yoongi said, playful nudging her shoulder.

Her eyes widened as she remembered he couldn’t see it well from the angle he was at and she moved away from the chair so he could get up. Hoseok immediately went over to the floor length mirror hanging near the door. He held out his arm and examined it closely – and for way too long – without saying anything. If he hadn’t smiled before he spoke she would’ve thrown up in fear he hated it.

“I told you, you’d do good baby,” he said.

Tension melted from her body at that and Hoseok watched on in joy. Not only had she accomplished her first tattoo, but she also appeared genuinely happy. There was nothing about her that exuded sadness or showed that she was even vaguely in a low place. It didn’t mean she was completely free from the thoughts, but it did mean that she wasn’t caught up in them enough to show any outward reactions. And since she wasn’t the best at keeping her emotions hidden and bottled up that was a win.

From the eye contact he made with Yoongi for a moment the older male also appeared to think so. Flashing Hoseok a thumbs up when YN wasn’t looking.

The first part of Hoseok’s plan was a success.

The trip to the beach was long and started early. They’d rented a twelve-seater van to drive there and alternated drivers. Jungkook, Yoongi, and YN switched out every two hours so no one got too complacent or tired with the six hour drive. It was trying sometimes because of stupid drivers or someone complaining too much, but they made it there without anyone killing someone else.

A true win.

They arrived at the beach house late afternoon and decided they’d spend that night in. None of them had enough energy from the trip to anything and they had a full week to venture out. Plus avoiding the massive crowd on a Saturday night was a win.

Food was ordered in front various places because everyone either wanted something different or couldn’t make up their mind on what they wanted at all. Dinner was eaten and though it started off with minimal conversation they all eventually started talking about random things and eventually it led to talk of what they would do the next day. Hoseok mentioned something about the amusement park nearby, which got YN excited immediately and everyone agreed with that.

However, the quickness in which they all said yes wasn’t lost on YN despite her excitement. Usually they all took forever deciding what to do on any group outing and when they did there was some sort of whining. But everyone had agreed and then went about eating like everything was fine. No questions asked. No adjustments to time. No concerns about being there for so long. Just compliance.

It was something YN planned to ask about and fight against if they were doing it because she wanted to. Them giving in just because it would make her happy because she’d been so down wasn’t something she was okay with. The thought was nice, but she preferred they did their own things if that’s what they wanted. But she didn’t get to ask because everyone finished and before she knew it Hoseok escorted her to their room.

And like clockwork her body felt heavy the moment her eyes laid on the bed. Not even the pretty view from their balcony could draw her in. Which made it easy for Hoseok to maintain control to get her in the shower and then bed in the matter of thirty minutes.

By the time her head hit the pillow she felt refreshed, but like she’d cried for a few hours straight. The kind of tired where you don’t really feel one with the world and everything is almost like an outsider looking in. Though when she looked at Hoseok he grounded her a bit.

He took a few minutes longer to get into the bed after she did, slipping in wearing nothing but his boxers. Which was fine because she was in short shorts and a crop top. Something that seemed to warrant him poking her stomach every so often, which she allowed to happen because she didn’t have it in her to stop him.

Hoseok knew what he was doing too and that he’d pay for it once she slept, though she tended to forget things when too tired. But he stopped his poking and prodding after a few seconds, preferring to pull her close so they were cuddled together. Her leg thrown over him and their faces resting inches away from each other. He wanted to stay up a little and talk, but her eyes were closed and her breathing slowing.

For once she didn’t argue about it only being 8:00pm and thus too early to sleep. She’d say that every time they went on a trip, but more than anything she’d been saying it since after her mother’s funeral. Even when she looked exhausted and mentally not there she refused to sleep that early. So it felt good to see her not do it for once and after placing a kiss on her lips that thought lulled Hoseok to sleep.

Because they’d fallen asleep so early everyone was up at around seven the next morning. Well, everyone except for Jin, Beau and YN. They’d all woken up and ventured out of their rooms at around five almost six and decided yoga was the move. They gathered on the back patio of the house where you could see the beach and got to work.

Yoga was something that Jin and YN did regularly. The hospital had classes for all the staff to take and they’d gone with no intentions to ever do it again, but then realized how good they felt the days after. From then on they went to the classes or met up in a secluded part of a park early in the morning to do it before going out for breakfast or something. Beau joined in once when YN did it at home and then usually join her anytime he saw her doing it. Sometimes even joining her and Jin when they ventured out.

It was a great first moment of the vacation and one of the few times she’d felt so at peace in a long while.

From there they showered, got dressed, and went down to make breakfast. They’d picked up some groceries before getting to the house so they didn’t have to worry about it later.

By the time they finished everyone was up. Food was consumed at an alarming rate and everyone got ready with the same quickness. They wanted to get to the park at opening so they could have a better chance to get on everything. Which led to a lot of yelling and rushing people to hurry up and get to the van.

Hoseok took it upon himself to drive them there and as the rides came into view the closer they got the more excited YN got. She bounced in her seat and almost opened her door before the car came to a full stop.

That was dangerous and with the way Yoongi looked at her Hoseok thought she’d get scolded, but in fact the older man was upset that she tried to cheat. Which confused Hoseok until he whipped the door open and sprinted towards the entrance, YN hot on his heels and yelling about who was the real cheater.

It was like watching two children and goodness did it make Hoseok feel good.

When the others reached them they both stood there with big smiles and holding wrist bands, all of them the kind that were used for those with fast passes.

Hoseok narrowed his eyes at them, but neither of them looked regretful about what they’d done. In fact, they both appeared way too smug.

“What did we say about you two buying everything before anyone gets a chance? It’s not allowed on this trip or any trip,” Beau said.

Yoongi and YN turned to each other and shrugged, then thrusted a wristband into everyone’s hands. Since it wasn’t their first time out with the two amusement park junkies they all knew to get the bands on quickly, as if their lives depended on it. Yoongi had once wrapped Jungkook’s so tight that it limited circulation in his hand and they had to get another.

No one wanted to repeat that.

Without missing a beat they walked towards the workers scanning people in, leaving the others to catch up. Both of them were several feet inside the park by the time the others caught up again. They stood perfectly still and took in the park. One could feel the excitement that radiated off them.

It took Taehyung clearing his throat multiple times before they turned to face the rest of the group. Though that only lasted for a second before they were focused on each other.

“We meet here in four hours?” YN asked.

Yoongi nodded. “Right here and then I kick your ass in everything.”

That made YN scoff but she refrained from any trash talk in retaliation, there was always enough of that during them playing the games. Besides her focus was on something else.

Off in the distance was a ride that was way too high and moved way too fast – by even her standards – but the expression on her face showed how much she wanted to try it. So, without a word to the others Hoseok walked forward, grabbed her hand, and headed towards it. Everyone else went their own way, except for Jungkook and Taehyung who followed behind them. Hoseok felt like he was going to be sick the whole way, but YN and Jungkook reassured him the whole time while Taehyung poked fun at him, though it was clear that was only to calm his own nerves.

Once on the thing they all were ready to shit themselves but pushed through and as the it reached the first drop. YN and Hoseok made eye contact for a second and there was a reassuring feeling that flowed through them, but the next thing they knew they were sailing through the air so quickly it took a moment for her to breathe properly again.

The entire ride there was no moment to relax or get used to it. Even knowing what was to come didn’t make it any easier to adjust.

It was exhilarating.

That feeling is why Taehyung and Hoseok ended up waiting as YN and Jungkook went on again. Neither of them wanted to relive that and the fast pass line wasn’t that long, so they just sat on a bench a few yards from where the line-up started.

“So, are you going to do it today?” Taehyung asked, his voice a bit strained.

At first Hoseok was confused by the question and then it dawned on him what he meant. A different kind of discomfort settled in him at the thought of saying yes and so he shook his head quickly.

“Definitely not,” he muttered.

Taehyung turned to look at him with a raised brow and confusion.

“I thought that was the plan? Get her all happy and then do it? Don’t tell me you’re chickening out?” he teased.

Hoseok reached over and lightly punched his shoulder, a soft – but nervous – laugh escaping his lips.

“I’m going to, just not today. I want to make sure she’s good first. I’d hate to do it while she’s still wrapped up in sadness. That would make the whole thing much more complicated than it already is.”

At that Taehyung shrugged and turned his attention back towards the ride. They sat in a comfortable silence watching it climb high and then drop, looping a few times before it climbed again. It was more nerve wrecking watching it move like that then being on it, but that didn’t mean that Hoseok wished he was on it instead. He never planned to get on that ride again if he could help it.

About twenty minutes or so passed before they both returned and then everyone was off to other rides. They were all their own level of terrifying, but as they ran from ride to ride Hoseok got used to the fear and thrill that came along with them. He’d even agreed to go on one twice, which made YN beyond happy. Especially since she could see the eagerness was genuine. As if him being the one to request they go again wasn’t clear enough.

They continued on like that for a while, though eventually Jungkook wanted to circle back to get on something they’d all said no to. He convinced Taehyung to go with him and then Hoseok and YN were traversing the park alone.

A few more rides after the departure of the others and Hoseok forced a stop for food. Which wasn’t a whole lot and less than Hoseok would’ve liked her to eat, but it was more than she’d had some of the days from weeks before. A win in his book.

Before they went to get on some more rides they stopped to get a dessert, which was ice cream wrapped in a crepe. The park hadn’t had it the last time they’d come to it and that made YN all the more eager to indulge. They reminded her of ones she’d had in Japan when she’d gone for six months to study in high school. They tasted like them too.

“I don’t know if I should get another one now or later when we’re about to leave,” she said.

Hoseok laughed as he watched her devour it.

“I think I saw a stand with it near the entrance so you can get it when we leave,” he offered.

Though she looked conflicted at first, she smiled and nodded after a bit. No matter how practiced she was at eating and getting on rides too much dairy was a mistake. Fifteen-year-old her learned that the hard way.

After food was consumed, they went on a few more rides and then headed back toward where they were to meet with fifteen minutes to spare. The walk was taken slowly and they intertwined fingers as they went.

It was a moment of peace among the chaos and when YN looked at Hoseok with one of the brightest smiles he’d seen in a while he felt near tears. She’d been so happy and never once did her expression falter or her body language shift negatively. There was so much freedom and joy radiating from her and despite his optimism he’d been scared she’d stay shrouded in darkness for forever. So to have that voice in his head silenced because she was there and existing outside of it was just the best thing to happen to him.

Everything wasn’t fixed, but it was better than nothing.

Yoongi was at the meeting point with an irritated Beau who held a large stuffed bear. Most would question why Beau looked that way, but by the shifting that Yoongi was doing and the wide smile it was clear that he’d challenged his boyfriend to a few games and then mercilessly beat him.

Upon seeing a smiling YN though Beau’s expression shifted to mimic the smile on her face and so did Yoongi’s for a moment. However, YN was in competition mode and when he noticed that he was as well.

Not a word was uttered between them as they left their significant others to head towards the games and neither of them said anything about it. They merely trailed behind them and watched as they tried to one up each other.

Who knows how much time passed or how many prizes were handed over to kids or anyone standing nearby before everyone was gathered together watching them. Though it was tiring to stand there and see them go on forever there was also this mutual contentment as they all looked on. It was as if they were all on the same wavelength with how nice it was to see either of them back to some sort of normalcy.

“Has she been like this all day?” Beau whispered.

Hoseok nodded, his eyes never leaving them.

“Yeah. She’s been so happy and carefree. I don’t think she’s thought about it once all this time. And it doesn’t feel like she’s faking it,” he said.

There was a nod from Beau in response and then all the focus was back on them.

YN being that happy that quickly wasn’t what Hoseok foresaw at all, but it was nice to see that the second part of what he planned worked out well. He only hoped that it was doing some actual, concrete good for her mentally and that the last part of everything would go as smoothly.

Four days into their trip YN decided that Hoseok was acting weird. Though weird was something normal for his behavior it was a different type. He was attentive and kind, but also drifted off into his own head a lot and didn’t put up a fight when asked to do something that wasn’t necessarily in his comfort zone. She hadn’t pushed his limits by any means and accepted no when he said it, but for the most he gave in without a second thought.

Of course, his efforts were appreciated greatly, but that was what worried her the most. She knew how down she’d been and how the call from her mother’s husband had changed her. It was clear as day to her how she was acting and she wished she could snap her fingers and stop, but that wasn’t possible. And since she knew that, so did Hoseok and that meant he’d ramped up on trying to keep her at the very least not actively sad. All his free time was spent trying to help and look after her. The trip was just another one of those things and though she jumped at the prospect of being away from home to enjoy herself – and had enjoyed herself – she feared him taking things a step too far to please her.

No matter her mental state there would be no excuse for any damage she could do to his if that was the case. So YN planned to talk to him about it one morning, but she was redirected by Yoongi to get ready. Apparently he wanted to take her out for the day, just the two of them. Something she happily agreed to on the compromise of her going to talk to Hoseok about a thing first, but that was shot down by being told he’d headed out a few minutes beforehand. Which meant she had no other choice but to do as she was told, but with a pout.

Despite her mopey mood she didn’t take long to get dressed. Mostly because when she’d entered the room she found a pair of shorts and one of her long sleeve tops laid out for her. Yoongi promptly informed her he didn’t want her taking forever so he’d done it for her. It wasn’t out of the norm since he’d done it many times throughout their lives because supposedly she moved too slow or always grabbed the one thing in her wardrobe he hated with a passion. After a while she learned to just let it happen.

Once ready to go Yoongi grabbed her hand and practically dragged her from the house. It took some begging and mild threats to get him to not hold her hand so tight and slow down. From there he was less aggressive, but still held her hand firmly in his. She was fine with that because it was a habit from childhood that they never grow out of. As long as his bony fingers didn’t dig into her hand or squeeze too tight she was fine.

During their walk they didn’t speak, which was fine. They both tended to be quiet people and silences were rarely awkward. Walking for ten minutes to the nearby cafe bookstore was nothing in the realm of how long they could be around each other and not utter a single word.

“I wanted us to relax before dinner later. You know they’re all going to get drunk and it’ll be a mess. So, some peace and quiet for now,” Yoongi said once they entered.

That made YN smile wide. Even without the reason she loved the idea of spending a few hours there.

“You sure it’s not because they let you take naps here whenever we come?” she teased.

Yoongi laughed. “That too. A peaceful nap.”

With that she nodded and finally removed her hand from his. She shooed him away to see if any good seats were open and then headed off to buy their drinks. All of her will was used not to stop and look at books that caught her eye as she walked to the counter. The man wanted a nap, but him waiting too long for his favorite hot chocolate wasn’t on the table. Plus, there was something about being inside the place that calmed her so much that she was a bit tired herself.

After she grabbed the hot chocolates she searched for him and was beyond happy to find him at the reclining chairs in a back corner. Not daring to destroy the nice atmosphere of the space she merely handed him his drink and plopped down into her own chair. Her body relaxed instantly. It was asking her to sleep, but she wanted to drink her hot chocolate first. That lasted maybe ten minutes before she and Yoongi drifted off.

Sometimes she didn’t remember how much having a good time and being happy could drain from a person, no matter how much sleep they got.

When they finally woke up, panic filled YN because she’d misread the clock as saying four hours had passed, but it was barely an hour. The darkness only exacerbated that, but she was thankful her eyes adjusted before she shook Yoongi awake.

Since she felt refreshed from the nap the urge to explore books overcame her again. Instead of ignoring it she left Yoongi to continue his napping and looked around the store.

A lot of what did interest her were things she had read, were on her to read list, or by someone who wasn’t the greatest person despite their excellent writing. The things she did find that didn’t fit into that were all so tempting and she wanted to get them all but knew better than to do that. Her to read list was long and she didn’t need a million more books. So, she settled on getting the top three and took pictures of the others to buy at a later date.

By the time she made her purchase Yoongi had woken up and joined her at the register. He appeared rested and much peppier than he had before, which made her happy to see.

“Should we head back now?” she asked.

He nodded and then they were holding hands and walking back to the beach house.

The silence on the way back didn’t exist. Yoongi asked about what books she’d gotten and some other book she’d gotten a while ago that he’d been interested in. She agreed to give it to him and just as they reached the house and she prepared to ask if he wanted the book’s sequel as well he stopped abruptly.

Confusion coloring her face YN turned her head to look at him and was met with a tense expression. However, before she could question it he spoke.

“You’re okay, right? Actually okay, not the fake okay?” he asked.

YN felt a pang in her heart and her eyes watered for a second, but she pushed that all down. She wouldn’t dare make him more worried than he’d already been, especially when there was nothing to worry about.

“I’m okay. In fact, I’m as close to content as I’ve been in a while,” she said.

His entire demeanor changed when she said the word content. It was a signal of sorts. Something that they’d both learned they wanted through therapy. Happiness was great but being content and not so much good or bad was always the goal. As long as they could reach contentment all would be fine.

Though relaxed he didn’t stop staring her down for a moment and then after a firm squeeze of her hand – that she returned – he started walking again.

Inside the house everyone was putting the finishing touches on the dinner they’d decided on for the evening. It was a night in, which meant cooking and Jungkook had said that meant it needed to be an extra meal. So, him, Jin, Jimin, and Namjoon had spent a lot of time getting everything prepped and cooked. YN had wanted to help and even offered once Yoongi and her returned, but they were done and shooed her out to the patio so they could bring the food out.

Hoseok, who she’d seen maybe twice that whole day, pulled her down onto the seat next to him and immediately moved in for a kiss. That elicited some gagging from Beau which was met with a middle finger from both Hoseok and YN all without pulling away from each other.

They did part when the first of many dishes were placed on the table though. And without hesitation – once everyone was seated and Jin gave his go ahead – they began grabbing the things they wanted or moving them in range.

There was just so much. They’d made kimchi stew, bulgogi, pork ribs, fried rice, curry, and braised chicken. And of course, enough white rice that would satisfy even YN.

Bloated wasn’t even the word that truly captured how YN felt by the end of it all. Though happy was definitely a descriptor. They’d eaten, talked, and down alcohol. Jokes and stories were told, laughed about, and denied with intense vigor all around. It was a peaceful moment despite the chaos and watching her family just be together always filled her with such joy.

She could stay like that forever, but of course that was a no.

About thirty minutes after she’d had her last bite Hoseok suggested they go on a walk while they waited for the others to return with the chosen dessert. No was on the tip of her tongue, but he reminded her walking could help her feel better. Plus, he had a look in his eye that reminded her that she’d wanted to talk to him about something before.

So, they kicked off their shoes and headed down the beach. Hoseok laced their fingers together and led her away from the house. At first they said nothing, but then at the exact same time they spoke.

“YN-”

“Can we talk-”

They both paused and looked at each other with wide eyes before descending into laughter. It took a moment or two, but they collected themselves soon enough and continued their trek.

“You first,” he said.

YN nodded. “I want to thank you for all of this. It was what I needed and I’m so happy to have all this time with you and everyone else. Being with the people I loved most and who love me. Having fun that I haven’t had in a while. Having moments where I feel content, even if it’s fleeting. I haven’t had a bad day for the last few days and I haven’t even thought about anything really. And even if I did it was such a fleeting moment that I only barely remember it happened at all.”

“But?” Hoseok said when she paused.

“But I worry about taking advantage of all of you. I know that I’m not and everyone is happy to be here for a good time and to offer all the support in the world. I know that that feeling is for naught. But I realized how much you’ve given into me the last few days and it makes me feel like I may be crossing a line. You’ve had to deal with me being distraught and not myself for weeks. Never able to escape that unless out at work or I’m with someone else. And then you plan this and you give into my every whim. You do things that I know make you uncomfortable. Even if I’m not pushing you on certain things and I know I’m not crossing any hard lines it still feels wrong. And I’m sorry about that,” she said.

That ended in them coming to an abrupt stop. Hoseok released her hand and moved to stand in front of her, his hands moving to cup her face.

“Baby, you don’t have to worry about any of that. You have not crossed a line or made me do anything I didn’t choose to do. I’m fine. Did I agree to a few things that scare me or make me cautious? Yes. Did I do them partly because they made you happy? Yes. But like I said, it was my choice. I wanted to try them and that was an extra incentive. Seeing you smile or be in the moment was the greatest incentive in the world. I wouldn’t change doing those things. And I know you’re worried about what all this or your behavior could have done to my mental health, but I’m good there too. It hurt me to see you like that, but I processed that in therapy. Dr. Seo was more than willing to take me in more than once a month to process all this. I swear to you I’m fine.”

There was clear uncertainty in her eyes despite what he said. Hoseok could see it and though he wished she’d just believe him he knew that wasn’t how the mind worked. Sometimes things took a while to process or a little more assurance needed to be given.

After taking a deep breath he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, one she returned without hesitation. When he pulled away one of his hands slipped from her face as their foreheads pressed together.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

The next few moments happened in a weird space where everything moved too fast and too slow. Hoseok’s other hand moved from her face and he pulled away from her, but before anything could be said or done on her end he was down on one knee with a ring in his hand.

YN had no time to process it before he started talking.

“This week was about making you feel even an ounce of happiness, but it was also about finding the right time to ask you. YN you know I love you with my entire being. How you love yourself, me, and our little family brings me such joy. How you live to be the best you and know that you’re not always going to get it right. How you know yourself enough to know how to handle your problems. You realize how off you’re being and take the time to self-assess, not just because of you but because of me. So you’re not doing anything that could affect me. That could lead to unintentional behavior that could harm me. You grow so much all the time and it feels impossible for you to put forth any more effort than you already do.

“You just make me feel so happy. Doesn’t matter if it’s from watching you be that way, you making me feel that way, or the reminder that I can be happy on my own despite you. That I can stand alone in happiness that doesn’t revolve around you or anyone else. Something I struggled with so much before. You’ve helped so much by just being you. And though I know that we have cemented our relationship already, I still want to do this. It would truly be the best thing in the world if you married me, baby.”

YN had worked through the initial shock and was much calmer than when he’d started talking. Her brain fought to keep up with the words and her heart soared as she took them in. It’s why she didn’t hesitate in responding with a yes.

Without missing a beat Hoseok slipped the ring on her finger and rose onto his feet. He pulled her into a tight hug and whispered ‘I love you’ over and over. In the distance there were cheers from their friends who had watched on from the back patio. She hadn’t even realized they’d turned and walked back towards the house once she’d started talking. But that didn’t matter at all. At least not in that moment.

The calm that she felt mattered. The excitement she felt mattered. The content feeling that washed over her mattered.

[donothing-nothingworks]

tl;dr: yes, aziraphale is wishy washy about this but it seems to be an emotional reaction

yknow what it bugged me cause aziraphale's always so wishy washy about how he sees himself and Crowley and he seems to go back and forth so many times: in the bandstand breakup: "You're the demon, I'm the nice one." "We're an angel, and a demon. We have nothing in common." In the ineffable divorce scene: "of course you said no to hell, you're the bad guys."

Then we have other scenes, like at the Ritz at the end of season one. I'm paraphrasing, but aziraphale tells Crowley, "it wouldn't have happened if deep down, you weren't a nice person." There are all the times in the 1941 scenes where aziraphale tells Crowley he's done something good/nice. There's the scene in the 1800s, when Crowley saves the girl from committing suicide, when aziraphale praises him for it.

And the main difference I can see (from this handful of scenes please feel free to point out ones that contradict this theory cause I'm not totally sold yet) is aziraphale's emotions and how he sees Crowley in that moment. In all of the former scenes, he's upset, angry, sometimes scared. In the bandstand scenes, Crowley has suggested that one of them kills the antichrist, then later on, he's trying to get aziraphale to run off with him, something he doesn't want to do. In the ineffable divorce scene, this is right after he's just told Crowley what he thinks is the best news he could have ever heard, and Crowley has shut him down. ("we're better than that--you're better than that, angel.")

Meanwhile, in all of the latter scenes, these are all times that he's particularly smited? Smote? Smitten with Crowley. Times when he's calm, relaxed, happy. At the Ritz, they've just stopped the apocalypse, and they've successfully fooled heaven, and they think they're safe (to be together) now. In the 1941 scenes, this is after crowley has done something incredibly kind for him (saved azi from paperwork, and saved the books!). Same when Crowley is high off his ass and insisting that he wasn't responsible for his actions.

Whether or not aziraphale seems to see that line between them: demon v angel, seems to depend on his emotions, whether he's angry at Crowley or not. In my mind it seems like it'd be something of a defense mechanism as well. When Crowley is doing good, he can justify being around him, he doesn't have to worry quite so much about what heaven would think. When he's angry at Crowley, though, he throws that wall up again. This response, whether emotion based or defense based, isn't *good* -- it might be one of the reasons he finds it so hard to have a grown up conversation when he and Crowley are angry at each other. It's not a mature or adult response. But it's a human response. When we're angry at someone, sometimes we'll throw those barriers up. They're doing/saying/etc this because we're different. They're different from me. Our blessed lands vs their wicked lands. When he and Crowley are doing good together, when he's reminded of how he feels towards him, it's easier for him to put aside that divide.

Crowley, of course, may not understand all of this, though. He just sees Aziraphale drawing that line between them, over and over again. Angel and demon, inherently good vs inherently bad.

And because they're idiots, they never sit down and fucking talk about it.

ok idk if this makes sense to anyone else or if it's even right cause it occured to me two seconds ago but. Crowley thinks that Aziraphale views being a demon as inherently and intimately tied into who he is. In s1e3: "that's part of a demons job description. Unforgivable. That's what I am." So every time aziraphale says shit like "we're an angel and a demon we have nothing in common" he hears azi saying there's something inherently wrong with you. With who you are.

But azi really views it as more of a job, something separate from who crowley is? And he knows being a demon is the wrong job for Crowley. "We can be angels. Together. Doing good." Because he knows and has seen!!! That Crowley is fully capable of doing good things even though he is technically a demon. He just can't because he gets in trouble with Hell! (The scene in Edinburgh, when Crowley is high as fuck, insisting that he wasn't responsible for his actions and aziraphale just gives him that look.)

So that's why, in that final argument, Crowley thinks Azi is rejecting him if he won't become an angel again. Because being an angel would automatically make him Good in Azi's eyes, and that thought hurts Crowley. But Azi just wants him to be able to do good openly, without fear, and with all the joy he had in the opening scene. Because Crowley is a good being who just got stuck with the wrong job.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj 17.10.20 lb

ugh mummyyyyyyyyyyyyy. cannot stand this damn overacting, just stab yourself and chalti bano, c'mon.

good lord the early 2000s K-serial-esque reaction shots and whooshing sound effects, i cannot.

i am maata rani, smirking like DO IT BITCHHHHHHHH

GODDAMNIT VANSH.

some more overacting. also putting words in his mouth ki “tumne mujhe maaaf kyunnnn kar diya??”

lol sure, this is the face of someone who's forgiven ya. 

yup he literally was like "save the drama, mama" and walked off.

“galat insaan se panga liya hai tumne, riddhima.” yehiiii toh hai riddhima's most fond hobby. casually taking panga with ppl who are waaaaaaaay out of her league.

could barely understand wtf he’s growling like an angry grizzly bear.

ofc wifey wants to do patni dharam of bandaging.

some unexpectedly deep statements about how she's only capable of hurting him, and he doesn't want bandages on his baahar ke zakhm. idk what the fuck right he has to be so uppity after breaking the bangle on her hand purposely.

idhar bhi some emotional blackmail about being his wife and it's her haq and farz and idk what else.

ugh she just said “maine tumhe dard diya hai vansh, par dard bhi toh apne hi dete haina?” WHICH IS SOMETHING I FUCKING HATE. STOP NORMALIZING THIS BS AND PROMOTING TOXICITY IN RELATIONSHIPS.

haq jataa jataa ke kaaboo mein kar liya.  

fwding chachi's jewelry blah blah

iska chehra hamesha aisa kyun hai???? mummy ne sikhaaya nahi hai kya, ki mooh banaoge toh aise hi atak jayega.

some more saazish and scheming. just another routine day in the lives of these shady fucks.

i'm just whateverrrrrr about this scene coz hellooooooo, he hurt her hand too, and he has noooooooo issues with it.

but i can't help and lol at the way he's scowling like a child whose mom refused to get it some tooth-rotting sugar bomb at the supermarket.

throwing back that "apne" comment she made with a hard truth of his own: “apne apnon pe bharosa karte hain [...] do you trust me????? toh aaj tak apne aap ko yeh bharosa kyun nahi dilaa payi ki ragini ke baare mein maine tumse kuch nahi chupaaya hai? kyun dhoondti rehti ho usko idhar udhar?”

ok seriously, i am on neither of these dumbasses' sides. she is extraordinarily nosy and taang adaaofies in shit that's not her business, but my man, it's not like YOU'VE been an open book to her about yourself. why the fuck should she trust you??? based on what????? you've disclosed zero personal details about yourself willingly. like just the ragini thing itself; you’ve told her nothing about it, act incredibly cagey about it every time it’s brought up, and you want her to implicitly trust you that all is fine and dandy?????  you think it’s fucking normal to have statues of random women who “betrayed” you in your attic????? aur toh aur, you want her to confide all her secrets in you, the man who put a gun to her fucking head on the wedding night??? and continues to intimidate her with death threats????? is that how you think trust is fostered?????? she doesn't trust you for THE SAME FUCKING REASON that you don't trust her. and that's coz you fuckers didn't even have one, decent chodo, not even one NORMAL conversation that two people should have before they marry. i haven't even watched the show beyond a week now, and i know that shit for a goddamn fact.

and you, missy. you need to stop being such a wishy washy dheent. decide once and for all which man you want, and stay tf on that side. i hate such thaali ki baingans.

oh yeah, itni akal hai tum mein ki she sent a parcel to sejal in mumbai and then she said she's in dubai, but you didn't realise the bs mummy fed you about that fucking painting???? honestly vansh, how does it even make sense, that riddhima was preventing her from disclosing a truth that would clear her own name??????

awwwwwwwwwwwwww yisssssssssss, baby sister, secret shaatir is here.

oh danggggggggg, she's the one who overheard riddhima last night. and she went straighttttttttt to vansh with it. i love itttttt. we loveeeeee a tight sibling pairrrrrrr.

lmao she's the one who spilt the beans about the painting as well. i fucking love it.

siya still trying to angle in some sympathy for bhaabi and bhai is like HMPH NO DON’T TAKE HER SIDE SHE IS A CHEATERCOCK

is he listening to himself??????? he wants to keep his own secrets but riddhima should disclose all of hers???? YEH KAUNSA LOGIC HAI BEY GOBAR GANESH????

siya thinking the same thing as me.

everytime vansh sits down on his haunches to talk to siya, my heart grows 6 sizes.

“nahi hai bharosa riddhima ko mujhpe.” says the forlorn SadBoiii, who married a girl just to find out who's she's working for as a spy.

siya like "meri hi budhdhi brasht ho gayi hai, jo mein inn bewakoofon ke chonchlon mein pad rahi hoon."

hallelujah, sis has finally decided to end all the dhokas. yeah, can't WAITTTTTTTTTT to see how that turns out. judging by past history and the general tone of this show, it should go super smooth and great!!!!!

dadi here with some cliche aansoon shraddha dialogues that are not at all helpful rn, but ok whatever.

blah blah be not only his sangini but also his rakshak. dudeee, goli khaaa chuki hai uske liye, isse zyaada kya raksha kare???!?!?!! matlab idk what kinda expectations ppl are keeping from bahus these days, fucking ridic.

this one also........ her mouth writing bharosa waala cheques that her perma-shakki brain can't cash.

maata rani suffers fools better than i do, and blessing the good dumb sis.

blah blah sajaaofy pooja ki aarthi ka thaal, do pooja, and everything will be changa. chalo, yeh bhi try kar lete hain. aapke adiyal pote ke dimaag ko thikaane lagaana bas bhagwan ke hi haath mein hai.

sejal callllllling. meaning KABIRRRRRRRR callingggg.

great, dadi being over-familiar and taking the phone to talk to sejal. ughhhhhhhhh.

grabbed the phone back in time. phew.

kabir feeling good enough to sip daaru from a nice delicate champagne flute, so can't say i feel too sorry for him rn.

but also my god, what in the random hell is the decor of his place? a wolf poster, the word GOLD, some ainvayi ka luxury type office chair. did he dumpster dive to collect this shit???

riddhima talking out of her ass and saying i won't help you anymore coz vansh isn't a criminal. sis, we’re all little bit of a criminal. you telling me he doesn’t have traffic tickets? doesn’t illegally stream shit online? doesn’t skip through reading the terms and conditions before clicking “i agree” on random websites, and then go on to completely ignore alllllllllllll the rules they stated about fair use???

kabir like OH WORD? YOU MUST HAVE PROOF OF HIS INNOCENCE THEN? which lmaoooooooooooo, that's not how the fucking law works, my good dude.

some more aadarshwaadi dialoguebaazi.

i am kabir. i am forever kabir. so done with this chick's unique blend of self-righteousness and idiocy and see-sawing ways.

[halftwinmoon]

Helpful tips for SARS-CoV-2/COVID-19

Hello everyone,

I was seriously not expecting having many followers for a shared liking of the blessing that is Gakuen Babysitters. Though I am confident that many of you already know how to deal with the pandemic that is COVID-19 (in spite of the US government’s ineptitude), I thought that I as a now-pharmacy student should share some info to provide reassurance for everyone’s health and safety.

1. Washing hands for at least 20 seconds is the best way to remove bacteria and viruses from the hands. The reason why this works is because most viruses are shaped like a ball with protein “spikes”, and the coating of the virus is a lipid/fat layer. Soap molecules have a lipophilic/hydrophobic (fat-loving) tails that help dissolve the lipid layer of viruses to then break the virus open, essentially deactivating the virus. The diagrams below shows how soap works and how to effectively wash hands.

2. If soap and water is not available at the moment, hand sanitizer that has at least 60% alcohol (ethanol/EtOH or isopropyl alcohol/IPA) is sufficient in deactivating viruses and killing bacteria on the hands and skin (though obviously it is not recommended to apply it on the face especially near the eyes). Though more alcohol is better, the final concentration should not reach above 90% because higher concentrations can cause the viruses’ and bacteria’s extracellular proteins to coagulate and create another layer of protection for the microbes (definitely something that we DON’T want). Water within the solution also helps catalyze the reaction that the alcohol does in dissolving the lipid layer and denaturing the proteins of microbes (source). My mother, bless her soul, gave me some handmade hand sanitizer, however the recipe she used did not have the sufficient alcohol concentration in the END PRODUCT (as one of the ingredients used was 70% IPA instead of 99% IPA). A simple recipe of 2/3 cup of 99% medical-grade IPA mixed with 1/3 cup of aloe vera gel would yield an effective hand sanitizer that has 66% IPA. This website is helpful to figure out other combinations to make sufficient hand sanitizer. It should also be noted to beware of shops that are price-gouging ingredients like medical grade IPA, which is obviously reprehensible.

3. Wearing masks is important to help limit the spread of COVID-19 via respiratory droplets as there are many people that could have the virus but be asymptomatic. While the CDC was being a little wishy-washy with their stances on masks, there is a reason why wearing masks is now highly recommended. While I do not know if there are more recent studies about COVID-19 and masks, this study linked here does provide some clarity for the recommendation. To summarize, despite that facial coverings do not completely filter out the virus of the COVID-19 patients’ cough, the viral spread (shown as viral load in log values) of patients who had facial coverings is less than that of those who did not.

Surprisingly, to me at least, the patients who had the double-layered cotton mask had an even lower viral load than with the surgical mask. It is important to note however that the virus is still detectable from the outside of the masks. This is why one should not touch their face often to adjust the mask, as uncomfortable as they are. I also recommend recycling the masks by washing with soap/laundry detergent and warm-to-hot water to then hang them to dry. The sample size of the study is pretty small of n=4 so take it as you will, and there are quite a few criticisms of the study that I agree with.

Other tips are provided by the lovely Ann Reardon from the YouTube channel How to Cook That in this video.

I hope you all stay safe and practice social distancing! :)

[koganeirou]

Alright I finished Crimson Flower and after letting my thoughts marinate for a bit, I decided to do a very long write up on my thoughts. Despite the fact that I made a beeline for black eagles the moment I got the game because I had an extreme feverish passion for El at first, my thoughts on this route are unfortunately mostly negative. This is the first and only route I played so far, and I know very little about the events that transpire in the other routes.

Five thousand disclaimers that these are just my opinions that may or may not change when I play the other routes and it’s not meant to discredit folks who like Crimson Flower. Also there will be spoilers.

For starters, I think the story does a terrible job at convincing you that Edelgard’s actions are justified or even necessary. This route felt less like fighting to change the world for the better and more like a savage conquest with every chapter being El going like “we gotta kill this guy now” and I’m like “but why” and El’s like “WE JUST GOTTA”. I guess the right way to say it is that El’s route lacked emotional impact. I could not celebrate her victories with her because my only reaction was “was that really necessary” and “buddy why”. It ultimately felt like El was simply solving problems by creating more problems.

Instead of just saying “I want to uproot a societal system from its core so I have to overthrow the Church”, the story opts for El to give incredibly vague and wishy washy reasons on why the Church Is Bad. Something something, they’re not really humans and twist history??? The story forces you to do some crazy mental gymnastics to try and see El’s side of the story when everything just boils down to “Crests are Bad = Church is Bad”.

In Part 1, there was a lot of build up of the church’s obvious corruption and how they’re not to be trusted, but the build up falls flat because the story tries to make the reveal of Rhea’s beast form be the damning thing to convince the player that the church is so terrible that they have to be stopped even at the cost of thousands of lives... and well... in a franchise where almost everyone is secretly a dragon, that just did not sell me. 

We’ve been knew that Crests Are Bad but does that justify sacrificing thousands of lives to upheave the church? I dunno man..................................... the story doesn’t really put much effort to convince you that this is the Only Way and it doesn’t feel like El has put much thought into trying alternative solutions before jumping straight to murder because it was the easiest solution. Which sucks because I think exploring El’s methods and mindset would definitely make for an interesting conflict. The whole idea of if war is never justifiable, is it better to let everyone remain suffering under the status quo forever? El’s belief that nothing will change unless she takes direct action has validity to it, but the game just expects you to agree with her from the get go so El never truly has to stand firm and defend her values.

Edelgard’s decision to unify Fodlan is something I really, really side eye. She’s straight up invading sovereign lands and putting them under her own rule of her own volition. While yes, Church Is Bad, barging into someone else’s land uninvited to dictate how they rule their government and “fix their society” is ultimately something I find incredibly self righteous and arrogant. This idea of “fighting for peace” through not just instigating a war, but going on a violent conquest just seems... disingenuous to me? How does she plan on dealing with the lingering resentment from the folks whose land were conquered? She’s just replacing the crest system with an Empire who will murder anyone who stands against them which... makes her literally no different from what Rhea was.

The above point is mainly due to her whole tirade into the alliance which just felt extremely unnecessary, especially when Claude was trying to keep the alliance in a neutral stance. El’s reasoning for conquering the alliance because “some of the nobles oppose me” was really flimsy like... maybe they wouldn’t oppose you if you just left them alone instead of making them choose between handing over their independence or having their land burnt to the ground. 

Her dialogue with and about Dimitri is ridiculous because she criticizes him for being consumed by hatred and obsession and “losing his path as a king” but...... bruh, you’re STILL invading his country, so even if Dimitri wasn’t a raging murder man, he’d still oppose you because did you just expect a king to simply Hand Over His Land and not defend himself????? 

The absolute worst, worst part of CF isn’t even Edelgard herself but how the other students react to her. It feels like none of the beagles and especially the other house characters except Lysithea have any real reason to side with her, and even if they did (which wouldn’t be surprising because we see how the crests ruined so many lives), these valid reasons are never brought up and it’s overshadowed by almost everyone lamenting “is this bloodshed even necessary?” (news flash: probably not). But why the FUCK are you guys even siding with her in the first place if you're gonna regret it afterwards or don’t actually agree with her? You don’t just side with an instigator of war with half baked resolves, and the convictions of these characters aren’t even quarter baked. 

This wouldn’t be too bad if not for the fact that the beagle kids themselves also seem to have more reasons to turn on El than to fight for her. Especially when Edelgard has done nothing to ever prove herself trust worthy. Hell, CF is kicked off with Edelgard betraying everyone and revealing herself to be the Flame Emperor, which is literal admittance to her association with the slithers. Yet no one seems to put two and two together and just decides to blindly trust and follow her without second thought because... why? Who knows!!! As Sothis so eloquently puts it, they’re all boulders just rolling down whatever hill they’re on, and I could not stand how little agency and independent thought that the other characters showed. It felt like El was the driver while everyone else was just strapped into the passenger seat, mindlessly going along with the ride. No questions, no thoughts, no challenges, and to top it off, it doesn’t even feel like any of them truly believe in what they’re fighting for because they never bring up the validity of El’s ideals or the consequences of her actions. 

The beagles had the group dynamic of a wet paper bag. Lysithea is the one of the only characters who actively shows any real agency for fighting for Edelgard and firmly voices how El’s goals compare to her personal values, which is a stark difference to everyone else who has a "¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess this is my life now” type attitude to an infuriating degree. 

Byleth siding with El also has me doing extreme shifty eyes. I can get behind them making an emotionally charged decision to defend her from Rhea but holy crap I saved you from Rhea because I didn’t want you to die, but that doesn’t mean I’m giving you the okay to murder all your classmates!! The game expects the player to take a huge leap of faith when siding with Edelgard, thinking “she has to have a proper explanation for this” and cue.... no explanation ever, until like... five years later. El’s relationship with the beagles felt disingenuous because she actively breaches the trust of others, lies to others, hides crucial information from others (slithers, anyone?), and nobody cares. She straight up lies about the church nuking Arianrhod and it’s never addressed.

The issue with the slithers and Byleth’s dad is even worse because it is never addressed until well into the route, and it’s brought up by not El, but fucking Hubert. Not to mention El is giant jackass to Byleth after their dad died even though he died because of her damn accomplices. We’re supposed to just lie down and accept the slithers’ presence because “well they’re necessary for our plans” even though we curb stomped the entire continent by ourselves, so I dunno why we can’t just shank them now. The slithers literally did nothing aside from chill around, maybe blow up a city or two to spite El. It’s ridiculous how the organization who is directly responsible for El’s abuse and trauma has no on screen resolution when frankly, I think the slithers deserve El’s animosity far more than the church. 

Despite my extreme criticism towards El, I want to stress that I don’t hate El. In fact, I love her character a lot and I think she’s really fascinating. However, I think CF really shot her characterization in the foot because it doesn’t feel like El really grew or developed or changed. She stubbornly believed that her actions were right at the beginning and by the end of the game, she still believes her actions were right because the story doesn’t really bother to try and prove her otherwise. I just think she’s much more suited as an antagonist, and I’m excited to see her portrayal in the other routes. Sorry El, I love you, but I would never in a million years side with you.

To end this salt fest on a positive note, I will say the route had three things I enjoyed: the ending, Mercedes and Jeritza’s support, and Edelgard and Lysithea’s support. Seriously, I would not have so many complaints if the rest of the route had the same amount of emotional tension and feeling as El and Lysithea’s support. I enjoyed the ending fairly much; the final battle in the burning city was epic as hell and so was the final cutscene. The scene where El sobs in Byleth’s chest after Byleth’s heart beat returns was extremely touching to me. So because I liked the ending enough, at the very least I was able to finish the play through on a somewhat content note. Also random side note but Edelgard’s seiyuu is amazing.

Anyway my order from favourite to least favourite beagle kids are Dorothea > Edelgard > Ferdie > Bernie > Linhardt > Petra > Hubert > Caspar.

tldr: my experience with crimson flower