#havent posted in a bit because my hands hurt a ton and have stopped working properly so..that makes typing and being lowkey alive kinda hard

[risetherivermoon]

random fic idea of post-epilogue normal and taylor talking to scary and lincoln again and each other after the reunion and getting closer with each other again, and then one day they're all eating at the li-wilson-marlowe's house and someones like "wait- we're still legally married right?" and they all realize that they don't actually want to get divorced...and also jerry is there and he is very confused about whats going on with his parents and their childhood friends,

i love me some old friend reconciliation turned romantic polycule :))

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[sweetest--melody]

4,5,6,7,8,9,14,17,23,25,26,29,30-39,44,47,50,51,52,55,58,62,67,68,71,77,80,82,83,84,85,86,88,90,94,97,99,100. i did not read over the post to find out what questions those all are, i picked them at random.

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAA SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG i’ve been so dang busy these few weeks, december is hell where i work lol

4 do you like your name? why?

tbh I never really liked my name, but I’ve slowly stopped caring. there’s a lot of reasons, some that i wont talk about, but mostly because there are too many “frank”s in the world and i just hate how it sounds and it just feels wrong to say or hear and just think “yes that is my name”

5 what is your relationship status?

very, very single lmao, things didnt work out with that girl i was talking to

6 describe your personality in 3 words or less

bad at people

7 what color hair do you have?

brown!

8 what kind of car do you drive? color?

ive got a 2008 ford focus, with this grey-ish brown color

9 where do you shop? 

mostly online, but I get clothes from random places, mostly just some of the stores in this dying mall near where i live (sears n old navy n shit)

14 if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

orlando, just the right amount of city with highways that aren’t complete ass garbage, even if the traffic could suck. i just wish it wasnt so humid / hot cause i dont like heat and man my hair is not happy there lol

17 how many times a week do you shower?

most every night, depends on when i work sometimes, sometimes i skip a day if i dont work the next day cause like i dont really end up smelling or feeling bad, and im not going anywhere.

23 describe your dream date

we get semi-nicely dressed up, go out and watch the sunset together, maybe with some food like a picnic or something! then we either go to a theater or home, but we hang out see a movie and cuddle the whole time

25 what color socks are you wearing?

i got these super soft and thick socks, they are so warm i love them. and they are a tan brown lol

26 how many pillows do you sleep with?

i have 4 on my bed, but i only use 2

29 whats the worst thing you have ever done?

i pretty badly hurt an old close friend of mine by dumping a bunch of negative emotion onto them and making them go through my nonsense while they were already hurting themselves, and even ignoring the fact that they were uh... pretty sick.

30 whats your favorite candle scent?

hmmm i havent used candles in a long while, i think the one that we always used was this cinnamon apple one

31 3 favorite boy names

james, jack, chris

32 3 favorite girl names

MELODY, Rose, Lily

33 favorite actor?

jack black will always have a special place in my heart, he’s not necessarily the best at acting but the energy and personality he brings can NEVER be ignored

34 favorite actress?

can i cheat a bit and use a voice actress? cause i just adore jennifer hale, she’s just got that kind of voice that you can always tell its hers and she does some really solid voicework.

35 who is your celebrity crush?

dave grohl, he’s such a fucking babe

36 favorite movie?

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD!! its SUCH a well-made stylistically brilliant film with REALLY good casting that sold the tone so fucking well, with really good music and the most brilliant editing I have ever seen.

37 do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i dont read much, no, but i loved when i read To Kill a Mockingbird in high school, just so many profound themes working perfectly in tandem with one another.

38 money or brains?

as in which would i rather have or which would i prefer in a person? id go with money for myself so i can like be happy and content in most aspects of life and like be able to give more gifts to my friends and family and stuff, but brains in another person cause i am just REALLY bad with talking to people and making friends so having someone that can pick up on all my unusual cues and that would know how to keep me in a conversation would help a ton.

39 do you have a nickname? what is it?

some older friends call me “francis”, and people at work call me “PT” - ponytail, because i wear my hair back when i work.

44 what is your biggest fear?

the ruling going on today, if this anti-net neutrality stuff passes, then i could possibly lose contact with all of my friends and pretty much my entire support system, and my future that i am already afraid of is absolutely going to be worse with how much im going to have to pay to even get the basics that are provided to us now. all my online shopping? nope. online research? nah. my entire possible line of work?? good luck uploading anything to sites you cant access buddy.

47 what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

i am fortunate enough to be in a pretty big house right now

50 what was the last text you sent?

“They said it’s gonna be a few minutes” - to my manager

51 how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

like 8 or 9, i knew cause i was awake and heard my dad walking out with the presents, i could hear the wrapping paper rustling and him cursing when he almost dropped something. he was really mad when i told him i knew for some reason lol

52 what is your dream car?

a tesla, such beautiful, energy efficient cars

55 what is your dream job?

i would love to be a journalist, one promoting completely impartial by-the-book news and investigations, being the change we all want to see in news media.

58 do you have freckles?

nope

62 do you still watch cartoons?

absolutely, three of my favorite pieces of media PERIOD are cartoons, BoJack Horseman, Samurai Jack, and Avatar: The Last Airbender. animation deserves to be respected, it is an art form unlike any other with such humongous possibilities for visual expression and storytelling.

67 what are your hobbies?

i love video games so much like jfc

68 can you draw?

sort of, ive never been really good at it and my hands are not very steady, and i cant do figures very well, but if theres something i need to convey that i cant through words i can draw it.

71 tea or coffee?

i like them both, but prefer coffee more often. should try more teas though, sometimes coffee makes me feel like trash lol

77 do you miss anyone right now?

of course, i miss my last group of friends dearly, they were all such wonderful people that were constantly enjoyable to be around, everyone except for one of them, we disagreed and clashed on a lot of things, and our personalities just did not mix well at all, so it caused a lot of problems and ended in me being ghosted out. and of course i miss someone else buuut not as much anymore, we’re solid friends now, i just cant help but miss some things.

80 what is your biggest pet peeve?

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GO 60 MILES AN HOUR IN A 35 AT 5 PM WHERE YOU NEED TO WEAVE IN AND OUT OF LANES OVER AND OVER AGAIN JUST SLOW DOWN AND STOP PUTTING OTHER PEOPLE’S LIVES AT RISK BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET SOMEWHERE THIRTY SECONDS EARLIER

82 favorite ice cream flavor?

cokie dough! i always get the ben n jerry’s half baked!

83 regular oreos or golden oreos?

i love them both, but i prefer the regular!

 84chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

now that i dont have a preference for

85 what shirt are you wearing?

black t shirt like usual

86 what is your phone background?

88 do you like it when people play with your hair?

you have NO idea. OH AND I JUST SWITCHED HAIR PRODUCTS AND IT IS SO FUCKING SOFT RIGHT NOW NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME

90 do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

both in the morning and at night

94 favorite lyrics right now

tbh the entirety of Sugar we’re Goin Down by Fall Out Boy, it’s been stuck in my head for a while mostly because its fun to sing but MAN there is some interesting writing going on here, positively loaded with metaphor and double-meanings.

97 dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk! i never really liked the other two that much, though white chocolate has grown on me a bit

99 what is your zodiac sign

i’m a capricorn!

100 who was the last person you cried in front of?

oh jeez i havent cried in a while, especially not in front of someone... maybe i sister? i think i got drunk with her sometime last year, came out to her, and talked about our dead dad so there was definitely some tears there but was that the last time i cried in front of someone??