#haven’t eaten a meal since Thursday lol

[notveryshrugemoji]

New Year New Me except I’ll still be ordering sushi and watching YouTube while I eat it in bed. Some things never change my friends.

[tinysupervicki]

It’s hard to stay away, huh? I did turn off my notifications on twitter but I still peeked. Why are y’all so amazing to me? What did I do to deserve this love? This community?

Since y’all have been there for me ever since my mom passed three years ago, I’d do anything for y’all. I felt I did let y’all down because I’m a content creator and haven’t done anything in so long. It sucks because I’m yearning to do so but lack the time due to now being an adult, working a grueling adult job and living with family.

I believe I will be able to get a place of my own later in the year, I’m really hoping for that. As for my full time job, I’m actively looking for another one. The one I’m at, I feel I work so hard but I’m not appreciated enough. It’s a healthcare industry and I work hard to help people with their needs while management focuses on metrics and numbers. I wanna get out of there.

I haven’t had time to myself and just be selfish for once? So I’m glad I was able to take time off to have a pretty long weekend to enjoy Sizecon 2020 and spend time with friends.

Let’s get started on the recap, shall we? Bare with me, I talk a lot (and not well might I add).

Day 1: Thursday 2/13/20

I woke up at 4 am to catch my flight that leaves at 6:45 am. I thankfully had all my bags packed, I just needed to shower and be ready. My dad took me to the airport and wished me off. At this point, I had plenty of time, even seeing the long TSA line at the Houston airport. I had internally groaned a lot but managed through. After having some minutes to spare, I grabbed a quick bite to eat at one of the dining places, a lovely breakfast bowl that I can have (those of you who don’t know me, I have celiac disease and I have to eat gluten free). Jumped on my flight and comfortably slept in my seat on the plane. The plan was to have a connecting flight to Charlotte, NC and then to Newark, NJ.

Two hours later, I woke up to not at my destination but at Colombia, SC. Apparently, while I was asleep, they had to divert us to the next airport because the weather was really bad in NC. We had two options: stay on the plane and wait it out until we’re back in the air to NC, or get off the plane and figure out another alternative. I stayed, I had plenty of time until my connecting flight was scheduled (which I actually got alerts that it ending up delaying a lot) so I stayed in my seat and watched greys anatomy. About almost an hour passed and we’re finally back up in the air, with more space to breathe since there were people that did leave the plane. Landed safely in NC and I ventured off to find snacks and wait at my gate. It kept delaying but I finally was able to get on my flight to NJ, making my total time at the airport and in the air...all day, I can’t do math lol. I safely landed in NJ at 5:30 pm, I had been awake since 4 am. It was a day.

Yo, I’m gonna get him and his wife a gift, I swear to god, but DJ (aka Giantgripper) saved me by picking me up from the airport and letting me stay the night at his place. When he’s the host, he does one heck of a job as a host. Since I hadn’t eaten a proper meal since 5 in the morning or so, DJ took me to a Mediterranean little mom and pop restaurant that I fell in love with. Had a stuffed pepper and practically cleaned everything off my plate. After we ate, I accompanied DJ while he did some errands for extra things he needed for the con (which did include articles of clothing for the giant cafe lol). I was happy to help as much as I could. After that, we made it back to his place. Once his wife Adri (chibiana) came home from work, we watched a documentary while trying (and failing with me because I’m a turd) to make different mixed drinks to taste. I ended up going with hot chocolate, I’m a simpleton when it comes to alcohol. A little bit afterwards, I had to pass out, it was a long ass day.

Day 2: Friday 2/14/20

Valentine’s was just another day for me. Woke up, got dressed, and DJ surprised me with a fresh homemade breakfast. It was magnificent, I scrapped the plate then too. Plans for the day was to get allllllll the stuff we need and travel to the hotel, which apparently was an hour and a half away from DJ’s house I believe. Adri had to go do another thing for work and was gonna meet up later. DJ and I traveled to the hotel first. I passed out again in the car, I was so exhausted from before I guess it had hit me again.

We made it to the hotel and unpacked the car with my stuff, his and Adri’s bags, and things for the con. I got to say quick hellos to people I knew that were already there (gave a big ass hug to Miss Kaneda, she’s so precious and a big hug to IamFilledwithStatic). I was going to be sharing a room with shortmarcy, Morgana (Moe), and Guiri. So since I had arrived first, I will check in first; Morgana and Guiri were still flying from Spain and shortmarcy didn’t come until the next morning. Since it was under shortmarcy’s name and the deposit was paid under her, She had to call to have the hotel let me check in for her. In turn, I had to put my card on file. I thought I was being a responsible adult and I thought it was gonna charge like half of the charge or something but...they charged the full price of the hotel. Which was $503...which was basically everything in my bank account. I didn’t know that was gonna happen, I panicked and just sat on the couch outside of the con area while Robyn (goddess-rei) comforted me. I had to come to terms that shit happens and I had no money for the weekend. But I graciously had the best of friends this weekend, I’ll get to that in a sec.

After my bumming out, I changed to put on my blouse for the valentines banquet (one of my guaranteed dinners that night lol). I met up with Morgana and Guiri and also sillylilbug (she’s so adorably sweet). We had our own table along with my friend Joe (CaptainRandGTS, who is a phenomenal photographer btw). We ate some good food and they took account of my gluten free (however I think the chimichurri steak may have upset my stomach). I said goodnight and went to my room to basically turn the bathroom up XD I had changed into my pajamas to head downstairs to get water and pain medicine when I turned the corner and saw a group of people walking down the hall. Guys, I’m still getting used to this, but the group was like, “Is that Vicki?!” “That is her!” And I was like WHAT. It was my lovely friends sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and Strongshadow2018. I was so surprised and honored, I was gushing. I got to hang out with them in their hotel room for a bit, played cards against humanity (I WON!) and ate ridiculously delicious gluten free cookies misterfinch made.

Day 3: Saturday 2/15/20

Con day. This day was a bit of a blur honestly (my mind is not the same people) but I know I took this day to “try” and relax. I was still bummed about my money problem but I had enough to buy the breakfast buffet meal ticket. My idea was to chow down a lot of food (since it was a buffet) so I won’t ask for food but that did not happen because I have wonderful friends?? Towards noon, I went to ihop with my crew (we called each other the sizecon crew lol) with sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and strongshadow2018. We had a nice time and I was so grateful for the lunch! Once we headed back to the hotel, we split up to do more con shenanigans. I met so many people, it was amazing. People I already knew and new people as well. It was awesome to match names to faces, it was so cool. I’m telling you though, my mind is not the same so I can’t list out the whole list of everyone I’ve seen. Then I got to see my good friend Steve (Miles Striker). I’m so fucking proud of this dude. He showed me a film he wrote, recorded, and edited all by himself, it was mindblowing. We had to go back downstairs after that because I forgot I had a social to lead and he had panels to go to. I stopped by the giant cafe, that was fucking wild. I ran the Fluffy Feels Social and I did my best because I’ve never ran something like that. But I’m glad we all liked the same thing and we just kept talking! It was getting late to when the Playroom was gonna start, so I headed back upstairs. Chilled a bit more with my crew and then headed back downstairs. I don’t know what got over me, but I gathered enough courage and joined the nude swimming party. I cannot believe I did that, that was a big step for me. Kinda sucked getting out though because I didn’t have extra clothes and it was fucking cold.

Day 4: Sunday 2/16/20

Technically last day of the con but it was the busiest. I spent all morning practicing my skit for the Tiny Cafe. I was nervous and pacing around in my hotel room, making sure I get it right. Around 12:30, I headed down to meet up with the rest of the cafe to get ready when we start at 1 pm. I could not describe how nervous I was. I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess up and I know I was lip syncing (graciously provided by Anoka’s vocals) I was still nervous as fuck. This was a performance and I’m now more confident talking to others about my kink/aesthetics but performing? Oh lawd. We had a big crowd apparently, I was surprised. We had to get more chairs and apparently turn people away? THAT MADE MY NERVES SKYROCKET. The cafe starts with a wonderful performance by Adri (Chibiana) then followed by cute transitions from our servers mini-moo and shortmarcy. Then it’s time for our skit: Veronica (Jitensha), me, and Aim were shrunk and sung songs about our giants. I was first (omg) and mine was in the style of “Maria” from west side story (Veronica called it Shrunken side story). I was shaking like a leaf and tried my best to get through the whole song while doing silly quirks of mine. Once that was done, I rushed back from my spot XD it was Veronica’s turn to sing about a giant dick lol and Aim serenading a giant lady. After our skit, it was the grand finale of Morgana performing a dance in a giant hamster ball. It was incredible. Despite my anxiety, I’m glad I did this and we did so amazing (we made tips!!!!).

Right after that was done, I had to rush to lead a social of Giant men and Tiny women. It was a small turnout but we still got people and we talked a lot. When that was done, I rushed to be on my first panel of the day: Owning what you love. After that was the Macrophile panel and then after that was the Diversity panel. I was on all of them and they were back to back, I was a busy lady lol. After that panel, I was free! Since I made tips from the cafe and I was broke from the hotel, I got to buy a few things in the vendor hall. Was able to say hi to some people I knew like scridam, the reducer, miss kaneda, iamfilledwithstatic, robclassact, and aborigen. It was also mister finch’s birthday so since I was free for the night, I went with the crew to go celebrate at a restaurant. That was such a nice time, I swear everything I did this weekend I wanted to experience again. When we came back to the hotel after dinner (after a quick stop to the liquor store lol), I was able to make it in time for the closing ceremony. Hearing everyone’s words touched my heart and reminded me why I love this community. So I was able to give a speech to say that; this is my second home when I lost my only home when my mom passed. God, that room was filled with so much love. I went back upstairs and hung out more with the crew and watched Promare (pretty sick movie). I was gonna head to bed but I hung out more with Steve and we watched a movie before passing out.

Day 5: Monday 2/17/20

It was time to say all of my goodbyes to everyone that had to leave. I gave so many hugs and love, I just miss them all. Most of the crew had to head out, except for sviolet, she had her flight in the afternoon. So we went out to breakfast at a Mexican restaurant, reminiscing this whole weekend. We came back to the hotel to chill in my hotel room. Morgana and Guiri were leaving to the airport back to Spain and shortmarcy wanted to venture to NYC before she went home the next day. So sviolet and I chilled in my room before she had to head out.

Then for the rest of the evening, I had the room to myself. I watched law and order svu whole packing and double checked I had everything. I waited up for shortmarcy to come back (I was so worried) but she made it back after 10 pm safe and sound. At that point, I had to go to bed because my flight in the morning was at 5:45 am.

Day 6: Tuesday 2/18/20

I woke up at 3 am to get to the airport on time and my Lyft driver I got...I had a feeling he was having a bit of fun by himself before he picked me up. Because it stunk in the car of cum. Whatever, I held in my breath and made it to the airport safely. My flights were on time and I slept on each one. I did not want to go back home.

Back to reality and I hate the after con blues! Especially with how much this con and community means to me.

Hoping there’s a next year and I’m ready to help as usual.

Y’all have a goodnight ❤️

[valentines-in-london]

I Need Fire (Part 4)

Previous Chapter       Next Chapter Summary: Rayne comforts an upset Jo before her best friend urges her to go out for the night and have fun.  What ensues is a hectic night that ends in Tommy comforting our resident red head, and a little more than that ;)

Authors Note:  Hey all!  Sorry for the delay I kept going back and tweaking little things in this chapter until I felt it was good enough to post.  Another chapter that kind of just kept pouring out of me, so it’s another long one!  I haven’t written smut in a very long time so I hope I don’t disappoint!  I’m also shit at writing chapter summaries, don’t hate me!!  Please let me know what you think, this is definitely out of my comfort zone<3

Warnings:  The smut is here!  Also unwanted advances on Rayne, not very detailed but it is in here.

Musical Inspiration: Van Halen-Everybody Wants Some Quiet Riot-Danger Zone Bruce Springsteen-For You (specifically the live version from Hammersmith Odeon) Motley Crue-Merry Go Round

Taglist: @triplehaitches @freddiessmallnipples send me an ask if you want to be added!

Word Count:  8,974  (I know, what the hell lol!)

Chapter 4

One Month Later

It had been a whirlwind since Motley got signed, the record company wanted to get them in the studio as soon as they possibly could something about “catching lightning in a bottle.”  As a result of that the band had been in the studio non stop for the past month, occasionally Rayne would stop by to see Tommy but she never wanted to bother him while he was working.  His dream was coming true and he shouldn’t have any distractions. Even though Tommy told Rayne countless times that she wasn’t a distraction at all, she was an inspiration (which of course made Rayne roll her eyes).

With all the chaos Rayne felt as if she hadn't had a moment to breathe and she had been craving a home cooked dinner for weeks. When she was got home from work that Thursday Rayne started making one of her favorite meals, spaghetti and meatballs. Rayne was straining spaghetti in the sink when Jo came through the door.  “Perfect timing, I made your favorite.”

“Oh my god you’re the perfect human being.”  Jo groaned before plopping herself down on the couch letting out a loud sigh.

“Ut oh, what’s wrong?”  Rayne asked pouring the spaghetti in a big bowl followed by some homemade sauce mixing it through.

“Ugh, it’s so stupid I don’t even want to talk about it.”  Jo closed her eyes brushing her blonde hair back off her face.  Rayne put the bowl on the table that already had salad and garlic bread ready to be eaten.

“Well too late, you brought it up.”  Rayne said simply pointing a kitchen utensil at her best friend. “Spill, or I’ll do what my grandma always threatened to do to me and smack you with a wooden spoon.”

“I failed my test today that’s twenty five percent of my final grade.  And… ugh,”  Jo paused getting up walking over to the kitchen table.  Rayne scooped up a nice portion of spaghetti and served it to Jo.  “Vince had another girl at the studio when I went over there before I came home.”

Rayne paused for a moment, before reaching for the salad bowl to give Jo a little bit in her side bowl.  “And I’m just so mad at myself because we weren’t serious and never ever exclusive.  I just didn’t think I’d be this upset about it.”

Rayne put a hand on Jo’s shoulder to comfort her.  “Well I’ll start with the easiest thing to tackle first, you eat.” Rayne pointed to the full plate in front of Jo, who followed her friends orders.  “You’ve done great on all your other tests so far this semester. So even if you did bomb this one there’s no way it’s going to keep you from graduating okay?”  Jo swallowed a mouthful of spaghetti and nodded slowly.  “And secondly that blows about Vince.  I know you guys were casual but I also know you really liked him.  Do you think you’ll be able to keep seeing him knowing it’s not just you?”

Rayne’s heart broke as she watched a tear slowly trickle down Jo’s cheek, the tear leaving a stain of black mascara in its wake.  Jo’s voice was so fragile as she replied, “I don’t want to lose him. God I’m so fuckin stupid.”

Rayne was on her knees wrapping Jo up in a big hug as soon as the words left Jo’s mouth. “Shh, it’s okay baby girl. It’s okay.”  The two stayed like that for a while.  Rayne had no problem letting Jo cry as long as she needed to, god knows Jo had given Rayne a shoulder to cry on many times. Eventually Jo lifted her head off of Rayne’s shoulder.  “You really are my best friend.”

“I know sweetie, I know.”  Rayne smiled softly wiping the stray tears from her friends cheeks.  “You do what feels right for you okay?  But only stay with him if you can truly deal with not being the only girl, and for the love of god make sure you’re using condoms so you don’t catch anything!”

Jo nodded, taking a deep breath.  “I’m so sorry about my meltdown, your amazing food is gonna be cold.”

Casually waving her hand in the air Rayne smiled, “That’s what we have a microwave for.”

Rayne felt for her friend she really did.  It was rare that Jo got this twisted up and upset over something, especially a guy.  Most of the time it was as is Jo was walking on air, free of all worries.  It was something Rayne admired most about her friend. She’d be lying if the sight of a broken down Jo in front of her didn’t shake her to the core a little bit though.  Rayne and Tommy hadn’t put a label on what was going on with them either.  She knew Tommy wasn’t seeing other women and vice versa but the fact that Rayne could be in the same place Jo was now was more than a big unsettling.

After dinner was finished the two began to clean up the mess, there really wasn’t much except plates and serving bowls to clean considering Rayne was a stickler for cleaning while she cooked.  That was one thing her Italian grandma passed down to her, that and a shit ton of great recipes. “Dinner was really good Ray, thank you.”

“Nothing like a bit of comfort food when you’re feeling down.”  Rayne smiled putting the dishes back in the cabinet.

“That’s the Italian in you.”  Jo pointed at her friend before laying down on the couch bringing her knees up to her chest.

“Don’t I know it?”  Rayne rolled her eyes before sighing.  “Jo what can I do to make you feel better?  I hate seeing you like this.”

“I’m in a funk, I think I’m just going to head to bed.”  Jo ran her fingers through her hair once more.

“Are you sure?  I was gonna head to the Starwood later.  Quiet Riot is playing.”  Rayne offered.  “Or I could happily stay in and we can drink violet gin and tonics until we pass out.  Your call.”

“No you go have fun, I won’t be a good wing man tonight feeling like this.”  Jo declined.  “I think I just need sleep.”

“Alright, well… promise me at least that you’ll do one thing for yourself tonight. Take a bath, do your nails, dye those roots…” Rayne trailed off seeing is Jo would notice the friendly insult.

“You bitch!” Jo laughed out loud throwing a box of tissues at Rayne before she looked into the mirror by the front door. “They do need touching up don’t they?  I’ll make an appointment this week.”

“I’m just saying, do something for yourself.  Promise?”

“I promise.” Jo assured as she hugged Rayne. “Go have a blast.”

A few hours later Rayne was getting ready to walk out the front door.  She knew she wouldn’t see Tommy tonight, he was laying down drum tracks for a song called “Merry Go Round” and she was pretty sure the album was almost done.  She simply wore an old Van Halen t-shirt, a leather jacket and ripped jeans. Her red hair was teased as ever, tonight she chose to take a curling iron to some areas making them even more defined.  

Quiet Riot was not a band Rayne was particularly head over heels for but they always put on a killer show and they’re guitar player Randy was the best guitar player in LA in Rayne’s opinion, even better than Eddie Van Halen.  The Starwood was a little bit further away from the apartment, but it was still only a fifteen minute walk.  That was one of Rayne’s favorite things about living in LA: walking the strip.  Once nine o’clock hit every night the streets were just littered with kids. Some not even able to get into the clubs yet but it was all about the atmosphere, the scene was magnetic and everyone wanted to be around it in their own way.  You could always hear heavy metal music the entire time you walked, either people blasting it in their cars with the windows down or pouring out onto the street from the clubs.  

Depending on the day of the week you would walk on either concrete or hundreds of flyers people handed out trying to get their band noticed.  Rayne couldn’t fault them for it, any way to get the word out about their bands they had to take.  Rayne and Jo had taken many flyers being passed out by bands in their time living in LA, sometimes the bands end up being great other times they’re total duds.  Musical Russian roulette: just another thing that came with the territory of the strip.  That and they always put the prettiest guy in the band out on the street because they knew the girls would be more likely to take the flyer.

Rayne got a few cat calls from cars as she walked down the street by herself.  Too bad Tommy’s not here, they wouldn’t say that shit then.  Last week some guy bought Tommy a drink after the show he complimented Rayne's, uh, assets and Tommy ended up breaking a glass over his head.  The two had been spending time together but not every waking moment.  It didn’t upset Rayne in any way because she knew this was Tommy’s dream, she didn’t fault him for having to be locked in a studio to get everything perfect.  It was going to be their introduction to the world after all and the record company had thrown a lot of money at the band.  They had new wardrobe, new stage props, a recording budget, they even had a drug budget.  Rayne was pretty sure Tommy was hiding his using from her all together since the night she saw Motley play live for the first time.  That was the last thing she wanted, if Tommy hid that from her he would undoubtedly hide other things from her, which would leave Rayne heartsick like Jo.  They would definitely have to talk about that eventually, and also the big question: What the fuck were they? Friends?  Friends with benefits?  Boyfriend and Girlfriend?

Rayne was so caught up in her thoughts she almost walked right past The Starwood, once again a line was wrapped around the building.  She knew she should’ve waited in it but how could she when Brandon was working the door?  “Hey beautiful.”  Brandon smiled at Rayne.  Brandon was your average bouncer, picture every one you’ve ever seen in your mind and that was him.  “Where’s your boy at?”

“Hi Honey.” Rayne smiled at him giving him a hug.  “And he’s not my boy, I’m all alone tonight Jo didn’t feel good.”

“That’s not what I heard.”  Brandon had a cocky smile on his face.  Now Rayne was intrigued.

“What have you heard, about what?”  Rayne questioned.

“Ray, he’s your boy.”  Brandon repeated.   “Now are you coming in or not?”

“Yeah I am.” Rayne sighed walking past him patting him on the shoulder.

The Starwood was a smaller venue, she didn’t really know why Quiet Riot was playing here, they usually played the Whiskey or the Roxy.  Rayne pulled her cigarettes from her purse and lit one up checking the stage to see if she knew who the opening band was.  No one looked familiar so she continued her way to the stairs to the upstairs balcony, it wasn’t huge but there was a less crowded bar up there.

“Is that Miss Sykes I see?”  Rayne heard a happy southern accent from behind the bar.  Gloria was another LA transplant, but she was more obvious then Rayne.  Gloria was from Louisiana and was sweet as could be, it was actually off putting for Rayne at first.

“It’s me.” Rayne smiled lifting herself up on the bar to give Gloria a kiss on the cheek.  “How have you been?”

“Oh you know, same ‘ol same ‘ol sugar.  What can I get you?  Oh actually, hang on, we just got a new whisky from Scotland behind the bar I want you to try it.”  Gloria said.  See, things like that were not something one experienced often in LA.

“Sounds good, you know how I feel about whisky’s from Scotland.”  Rayne took a seat on the barstool.

“If it’s not from Scotland it’s not worth drinking.”  Gloria and Rayne said at the same time, sharing a laugh. “So what’s this I’m hearing about you and that Tommy boy?”

“Jesus Christ, what was there a conference call that everyone had to spread this around like wild fire?  Nothing, we’re just friends.”  Rayne held her hands out at her sides, not believing what she was hearing. The two were nothing official and so many of Rayne’s friends spoke about it like they were together, what the fuck was going on?

“Mmmhmm,” Gloria slid the glass of whisky across the bar.  Rayne held the glass up to her nose and took a deep breath. “Oh my god that smells delicious.” Rayne took a sip letting the amber liquid slowly trickle down her throat, breathing out slowly to really taste the flavor.  “And it tastes even better.  What is that?”

“Royal Lochnagar.”  Gloria responded.

“I might have you order me a bottle or two of that.”  Rayne smiled taking another sip.

“Just say the word and it’s yours darlin’.”  Gloria smiled as Rayne threw down a couple bills down at the bar.

“I’m gonna pop down and before the band comes on.  I’ll stop back up before I leave.”  Rayne popped up from her stool whisky in hand.

“Have fun sugar.”

Rayne descended down the steps as the opening band finished their set and music began to fill the room from the PA, the primal drums and chants of “Everybody Wants Some” by Van Halen got a rise out of everyone in the crowd.  Before Rayne got down to the bottom step she saw an open spot right in front of the soundboard.  That was a peak viewing spot, and always the place to go for the best sound.  Rayne held her glass up above her head as to not spill it on anyone.  As she made her way over there she was pushed backward and felt her drink spill down her back despite her efforts. She looked up and saw a guy with long dirty blond hair that she didn’t recognize.  “Oh my god babe I’m so sorry I wasn't looking where I was going.”

First he spilled her drink then he called her babe, yep two strikes against this asshole already.  “Don’t call me babe.” Rayne rolled her eyes making her way over to the spot she was trying to get to.

“Hey, come on!  I’m really sorry, let me buy you another one.”  He insisted once more, putting his hand on her stomach.

“Dude it’s fine, just piss off.”  Rayne turned towards the stage now that she’d gotten in front of the soundboard, brushing his hand off of her stomach and shaking the alcohol from her hair.

“So your personality matches your hair color, I like that.”  Wow, this guy just wouldn’t take no for an answer would he? Rayne just chose to ignore him. “Oh so it’s gonna be like that huh?”  This asshole stepped into Rayne’s personal space as he finished his sentence.

“Dude, can you back the fuck off?”  Rayne shot him her harshest look.  She was beginning to think, for whatever reason, that him spilling her drink was not an accident.  Without saying a word the guy turned and walked away, That’s weird.  What made him finally get the message?

When the houselights went down Rayne clapped and the band quickly kicked into Danger Zone, Randy wailing on his guitar and Frankie keeping the beat.  Usually she would’ve been more into it but that blond asshole put her on edge.  After the band played Slick Cadillac the guitar and drum solo kicked in. As cliché as it sounded Rayne chose that time to go to the bathroom as she felt like her bladder was about to explode.  She made her way through the crowd fairly easy, everyone was mesmerized by the talented virtuoso playing on stage.  The hallway to the bathroom was surprisingly not crowded, only one couple was making out back there.  Rayne pushed the door open and was surprised to see no one else was in there either, she chose a stall and quickly did what she had to do.  

Rayne walked out to the sink and began washing her hands when the bathroom door flew open, and her stomach dropped.  It was the blonde asshole from before.  “There she is!”

Now she was starting to get worried, there was no one else in here, just her and this guy. “What do you want?”

“Oh now she’ll speak to me.”  Asshole said patronizingly stalking Rayne.  “Things could have been so much easier before if you would’ve spoken.”

Rayne, on high alert began circling around him, hoping that would allow her to make a break for the door.  “I did speak to you, I told you to back off.  But someone must be hard of hearing.”

“Oh no I heard you loud and clear princess.”  He reached out and roughly grabbed Rayne’s arm and twisting causing her to let out a cry of pain.  He started clawing at her shirt with his other hand, Rayne fighting him every step of the way.  She was trying everything she could to knee him in the balls, scratch his eyes out, anything to get the upper hand.  “You think he’s gonna want you when he sees what I’ve done to you?  Not a chance Princess, I’m gonna ruin you.”

“I’m not your princess.”  Rayne said through gritted teeth pushing all of her weight down causing him to break his grip on her arm, while he was caught off guard Rayne also with every bit of strength she had in her kicked him right in the balls causing him to fall to his knees.

“Hey!” she suddenly heard another voice in the bathroom, it was Brandon. "Back the fuck up.”

Rayne watched as Brandon got down on the ground, grabbing the blonde by the collar getting a few punches in before throwing him out to another security guard at the door.  Brandon rushed over to Rayne who had collapsed onto the floor, the adrenaline coursing through her body causing her to do nothing but shake.  “Rayne, you okay?”

Rayne nodded her head, “He-he didn’t do anything.  Just grabbed my arm, but I got away.”  Her chest was rising and falling like it had never before in her life, it almost felt as if she couldn’t breathe.  Brandon wrapped Rayne up in his arms, “Shh it’s okay. I know you did.  It’s all gonna be fine.  Come on, can you stand?  I’ll take you to the office upstairs.”

Taking a deep breath Rayne pushed herself up, using Brandon as support to stand on her two feet.  She wasn’t hurt but she was fucking rattled that’s for sure.  “Come on lets get you upstairs.”

The two exited the bathroom turning to walk to the office.  Rayne had tunnel vision somewhat, everything was kind of a blur, she heard the faint sound of the band continuing to play, mixed with Brandon’s words of encouragement from beside her.  Before the two turned to walk up the steps Rayne’s eyes locked on someone that made her stomach turn.  The blonde woman from the night at the Whiskey what called her fat, the one that said she would pay for whatever offense she thought Rayne committed against her.  She had a smug smile on her face as she and Brandon approached her.  “Oh no, what happened to your shirt?  Looks like someone had a good time with you…”

For a moment Rayne actually thought she might throw up right there on the floor but with all the might she could muster forced herself not to.  At the top of the stairs she and Brandon approached a closed door, which once it was open revealed a red room with black furniture and carpet.  “Here Red, sit down.”

“What the fuck.  Rayne are you alright?”  asked the owner of the Starwood, Ken.

“Some asshole was about to assault her in the bathroom.”  Brandon answered.

“No some bitch wanted to hurt me and that guy was the vehicle to make it happen.  Or try to make it happen at least.” Rayne found her voice.  

“What? Who?”  Ken asked kneeling down in front of Rayne.

“It’s a long story.”  Rayne brushed it aside not even looking at the two men before addressing Brandon, “How did you even know to look for me?”

“We gotta call Tommy.”  Brandon said looking up at his boss causing Rayne’s head to snap up.

“No you absolutely do not have to call Tommy.  I’m a big girl and I’m okay.  I’m allowed to be shaken up okay!  Stop fussing over me.  Now answer my question, how did you even know to look for me?”  Rayne snapped a little bit, but who could blame her?  Emotions were running high and what could Tommy do now about the situation?  That’s right nothing!

“You’re one of our girls Rayne, and we protect our own.”  Ken softly said, placing a hand on her shoulder.  That was the moment Rayne started to cry.

“At least let me call you a cab, once you feel better.  I don’t want you walking home if that creep is still out there, or you can go to the police and press charges, we can pull the security footage.”  Ken offered and Rayne shook her head.  “I’ll just go home, as long as you’re paying for my fare.”

Ken and Brandon chuckled, “Yes I’ll pay the fare.”

Thirty minutes later Rayne exited the cab and made her way up to the steps of her apartment. What a fucking night: console Jo who was feeling insecure about her emotions, choose to go out and see a show, have maybe the best whisky she ever tasted, get assaulted by some fucking asshole that spilled said whisky on her, and come face to face with Satan herself who most likely orchestrated the entire thing.  She was absolutely calling out sick to her work tomorrow, it was just too much, Rayne didn’t even know if she’d be able to sleep. Pulling out her keys Rayne unlocked the door to her apartment, it was absolutely silent, Jo must have fell asleep hours ago.  Rayne took her shoes off and quietly made her way to her bedroom.  She turned a light on and went straight for her record player.  There was only one person that could be a soothing balm on her awful night: Bruce Springsteen. Bruce always reminded her of home, and on days or nights like this Rayne turned to his voice and his lyrics. She made sure the volume was turned down low and put the needle to the vinyl sighing when the piano began.

Rayne took off all her jewelry, necklace, bracelet, earrings and just as she was about to lay down on her bed she heard a knock at the door.  No one should be coming here especially this time of night, it was after 1AM and sadly Rayne’s first thought was could that guy have followed me home?  Rayne made her way back out to the front door, she looked through the peephole and was absolutely shocked to see Tommy standing outside. Unlocking the two locks she opened it up whispering to him, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Tommy didn’t even respond, he just walked in wrapping Rayne up in his arms and held on to her tightly.  Rayne quietly shut the front door once again.  “Tommy?  What are you doing here?  And how do you know where I live?”

Keeping his arms tightly around Rayne, Tommy kissed the top of Rayne’s head.  “Kenny called me and told me what happened… and then gave me the address he gave to the cab driver.”

“Motherfucker.”  Rayne would have screamed if Jo wasn’t sleeping down the hall.  “I told them not to call you!”

“Why wouldn’t you want them to call me?”  Tommy asked before Rayne shook her head.

“Let’s talk in my room.”  She locked the front doors once more and led Tommy to her bedroom down the hallway to the right. The two walked in and Rayne once again closed the door behind her.  “Jo had a shit day, I don’t want to wake her up.”

“Why didn’t you want them to call me?”  Tommy asked his question again as he sat down on Rayne’s bed on top of her mint green sheets.

“Because it’s not a big deal.  And what is the deal with all the sudden all eyes being on me since you and I have been spending time together?”

“Not a big deal?  Rayne some guy almost… he almost…" Tommy couldn't bring himself to say it, "and what’s wrong with people keeping an eye on you?”

“That’s not the problem Tommy.  The problem is that after I got into the office with Ken tonight one of the first things they said was ‘we have to call Tommy.’  What the fuck is that about?”  Rayne really wished she could be yelling this at him right now. “I’m an adult Tommy, I don’t need to feel like I’m being spied on whenever you’re not around.  What, you don’t trust me?”

"Of course I trust you.  I don't trust other people.  I know enough people in this city what's wrong with making sure you're looked after?"

"Tommy I'm 23 and I just met you a month and a half ago.  I've gotten this far in life on my own with no one protecting me. I once told you I'm not your mother and would never tell you what to do.  I expect the same from you, do you want to be someone I'm seeing or my father?  I'll wait." Rayne ranted.

"Of course I don't want to be your father." Tommy looked down at the floor.  "But I can still want you to be taken care of when you go out. If it were up to me you'd never have to worry about anything when you went out at night or for the rest of your life for that matter."

“It's not in me to rely on other people Tommy. If this is going to work you have to understand that.  And we’re a long way away from never worrying about anything for the rest of my life.”  Rayne grabbed his hand kneeling in front of him, “And I’m okay, see?  Not a scratch.”

Tommy held her hand but turned it so that her palm was facing up towards him, when he did that Rayne could see the bruise that was beginning to form on her arm.  “No just bruised.”

“Hey, look at me,” Rayne instructed and Tommy looked up at her before repeating. She knew she had to tell Tommy about who she thought was behind it all. “I’m fine okay?”

Tommy nodded his head silently.  It was a strange conversation to have, if anyone should be concerned about what the other was doing when they weren't around Rayne thought it would be her worried about what Tommy got up to without her.

"But there is something I should tell you that you haven't heard about." Rayne look a deep breath.

"What?"

"Well do you remember at the Whiskey I told you after you left that first night some girl called me fat.  And it was someone you had previously been with?"  Rayne started softly, she didn't want this to be a big bomb shell.  Tommy nodded and Rayne continued, "Well I didn't tell you that she told me I was going to pay for whatever it is she thought I did to her that night."  Rayne could see Tommy's fist clinching, instinctively she put a hand over it to try and calm him.  "Well when I was in the bathroom with that creep he said something to me about ruining me and how you wouldn't want me after he was through. Then when I left with Brandon that blonde woman was there with a smile on her face.  When I walked passed her she said 'it looks like someone had fun with you' before she turned and walked away.  I think she was behind everything.”

"I'm gonna fucking kill her."  Tommy seethed, quickly shooting to his feet.

"No you're not."  Rayne warned grabbing hold of his arm and bringing him back down to the bed. "You're not going to do anything of the sort.  Don't put fuel on the fire.  Hopefully she’s content with her actions and thinks she got the desired result.  Maybe we shouldn’t go out as much for a while."

“Fuck that dude!  There’s no way we’re doing that.  You’re my girl. And if anyone has an issue with it, they can fuck off.”  Tommy spoke passionately while Rayne sighed, nodding her head in agreement. He was right, that was a drastic move to not be seen out with each other, and why should they suffer because someone didn’t like that they couldn’t have Tommy?

“It's late. Do you want to stay the night?” Rayne questioned softly, still holding his hand.  She could see him perk up which caused her to laugh, “To sleep Tommy, just sleep.”

Rayne at that moment noticed what we was wearing, the tight jeans and hot pink halter top did not look comfortable.  She tried to contain her laughter but failed.  He looked silly.  “I have some clothes that’ll probably fit you.”

“Aren’t I supposed to be letting you borrow my clothes?”  Tommy questioned as Rayne opened one of her drawers shuffling items around until she found what she was looking for.

“Probably but until you live somewhere that is not infested with roaches I won’t be sleeping over at your apartment.  Sorry.”  Rayne smiled throwing him an oversized Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of sweatpants.  “You know you better be happy that I have long legs, those should fit you for the most part.”

Tommy looked down at the clothes Rayne threw him with a smile on his face, but soon an awkward silence descended upon them in the room.  In the month that they’d been seeing each other off and on they somehow hadn’t done anything intimate yet.  Tommy was in and out of the studio, playing tons of shows, Rayne was at the office every weekday and occasionally visiting Tommy in the studio or going out.  Sure there was some heavy petting that happened but Tommy would always stop them (being a hopeless romantic and all) saying that he didn’t want it to happen in a studio bathroom, or the hallway of a club.  To say both of them probably had a case of blue balls at this point was an overstatement.  It actually made Rayne a bit nervous, she didn’t want him thinking she was a prude that wouldn’t put out.

“I’ll go change in the bathroom.”  Rayne fiddled with her pajamas.  Tommy quickly stood up, “You don’t have to.  I mean we’re both adults.”

Tommy started by taking his shirt off.  He was a string bean, that was the only way to put it, he was so thin there was an in dented line from his chest leading down to his belly button to the little patch of hair that disappeared into his jeans.  It was almost intimidating how thin he was; he had zero muscle on his body.  Tommy’s eyes softened looking over at Rayne.  Rayne hooked her thumbs on the bottom of her Van Halen t-shirt which was even more ripped than it was when she left and lifted it over her head. Rayne watched as Tommy turned sheepish, “I-uh-I’m not wearing underwear.”

“I mean we’re both adults Tommy.”  Rayne threw his words back at him.  "Or you could always wear a pair of mine."  Rayne said cheekily.  Tommy gave Rayne a small smile as he unbuttoned his jeans, lowering the zipper.  Rayne swallowed as she effortlessly slid the jeans down his legs, she tried to mask her surprise when she saw him naked.  Tommy was big, like really big, like Rayne only had toys that size and had never seen one out in the wild big.  Taking her eyes off his dick Rayne snapped her gaze up to his eyes. “Well I think we can safely say the codpiece could have been bigger.”

To say Tommy had a shit eating grin on his face was the understatement of the year.  He put his hands on his hips, “If you’re done staring, it’s your turn gorgeous.”

“I wish I could say I was half as confident as you.”  Rayne said nervously.

“Well I am letting you keep your bra on.  This time.”  Tommy winked at Rayne across the room.  He was trying to ease her nerves, it wasn’t really working. Standing across from her was the body of a God, a skinny God, but Godlike none the less.  Rayne took a deep breath, hoping it would fill her with courage as she unbuttoned her jeans, sliding the zipper down and eventually slipping them off of her legs.  Luckily Rayne was wearing underwear but to her she might as well have stood stark naked in front of him.  “You’re perfect baby.”

Rayne smiled at the compliment before throwing her shirt over her head and pulling a pair of shorts up her legs.  Tommy followed suit, but she had an aching suspicion he would’ve stayed naked if he could have.  Tommy sat back down on Rayne’s bed, pulling the covers down.  “I do have to wash my face before I go to bed. I’ll be right back.  Um-if you need to use the bathroom at any point it’s down this hall on the left.”

Rayne quickly went to the bathroom turning on the water to warm up.  She opened the cabinet grabbing her toothbrush and toothpaste.  Once her teeth were fresh and clean she reached for the mouthwash to swish around her mouth. Then came the face wash to wipe away the nights makeup.  Skincare was the one thing Rayne treated herself to, she wanted to keep her skin looking as good as possible for as long as she could.  Once her face was washed, toned, and her serums were put on Rayne placed all her skincare products back in the cabinet. The last thing for Rayne do was to take her birth control pill.  Rayne took a deep breath before walking back to her bedroom where Tommy was waiting for her in bed.  

“There’s my beautiful girl.”  Tommy turned his head on the pillow.

“God you have a silver tongue sometimes.”  Rayne laughed before she walked over to the bed sliding in next to Tommy. Rayne sighed, it felt good to finally lay down, and she curled into Tommy.  

“Rayne?”

“Hm?”

“What are you listening to?”  Tommy asked like she was listening to music created on the moon, which only made her laugh.

“Tommy it’s Bruce fucking Springsteen!”  She proudly said.

“Wha?”

“Are you serious right now?  Bruce Springsteen, as in Bruce Springsteen & The E-Street Band.”

“I know who he is babe, but why are you listening to him?”  Tommy asked still utterly confused.

“Because he reminds me of home, this is what you sign up for when you’re hanging out with a Jersey girl.  His music soothes my soul.”  Rayne knew he was far from metal, but the man's music always soothed any feelings of home sickness.  His words expressed emotion beautifully and his passion on stage was undeniable.

“You’re from Jersey?”  Tommy questioned.

“Didn't you notice the accent?  Jo tells me she hears it all the time.”  Rayne looked over at Tommy from her pillow.

“You smell a lot better than I would expect someone from Jersey to smell like, that's all.” She could actually hear the smile in Tommy's voice as he said that.

“Oh fuck you.”  Rayne laughed. “I’ll throw you out of this bed right now.  Is that what you want?”

“That’s the last thing I want.  I love how you smell by the way.”  Tommy complimented.  She always smelled sweet with a hint of smoke, it was intoxicating.

"Do you now?"  Rayne teased him.

"Mmhmm whatever you wash with or wear as perfume is incredible."  

Rayne reached over to Tommy gently caressing his face with her index finger, drifting over his cheekbones, his chin, his forehead.  Having him this close Rayne wanted to commit each bit of him to memory.  Rayne soon closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of him as she started to fall asleep. "Just listen to the lyrics and how passionately he sings them.  Then maybe, just maybe you'll understand my love for The Boss."

Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak Oh reveal yourself all now to me, girl, while you've got the strength to speak 'Cause they're waiting for you at Bellevue with their oxygen masks But I could give it all to you now, if only you could ask

Rayne felt Tommy’s hand playing with her hair, massaging her scalp gently, moving back down to her back before repeating his motions.  In the silence and darkness of her bedroom the lyrics caressed them like a gentle breeze.

Oh, and don't call for your surgeon, even he says it's too late It's not your lungs this time, it's your heart that holds your fate Don't give me my money, honey, I don't want it back You and your pony face and your Union Jack Well, take your local joker and teach him how to act I swear I was never that way, even when I really cracked Didn't you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? And your Chelsea suicide with no apparent motive You could laugh and cry in a single sound

“Rayne?”  Tommy whispered in the dark.  He was taken aback by how descript the lyrics were and on some level he could relate to them, but he could also see how they spoke to Rayne.  Music was obviously very important to her, and it was to him as well but on a different level.  In the month that he'd spent time with Rayne she had used music to describe how she was feeling multiple times, sometimes even quoting lyrics to Tommy. Music allowed him to see past any walls she put up, she allowed herself to be vulnerable when she expressed herself this way.  Tommy had no problems expressing how he was feeling, all that came from growing up in such a tight knit family.  For him music was an escape and release.  He had so much energy all the time music allowed a place for him to channel that.  It also allowed him a mask, Tommy was a product of high school marching band and always felt like a bit of a dork on the inside, sometimes even quiet and shy. But no one would ever guess that by the music he played and the look he presented while playing it.

It's not the way you're stretched out on the floor 'Cause I've broken all your windows and I've rammed through all your doors And who am I to ask you to lick my sores? And you should know that's true I came for you, for you, I came for you

“Yeah Tommy?”  Rayne asked in a sleep laden voice a single tear falling down her cheek, this particular song very much striking a chord with her tonight.

“I think I get it.”  Which caused Rayne to smile as she fell into a peaceful sleep with her favorite drummers arms wrapped around her.

The next morning Rayne woke up to banging on her bedroom door, her eyes shot open at the sound of her best friends voice,  “Ray, you okay?  You’re usually at work by now.”

Rayne sat up still groggy and noticed that Tommy was still sleeping next to her, but beginning to stir.  “Ugh god who is-“ He started to complain before Rayne slapped her hand over his mouth to shut him up.

“I’m okay Jo, I called out today I’m not feeling good at all.”  Rayne shouted back.  "Are you feeling any better today?"

“I'm feeling better I took a bubble bath after you left then fell asleep. Do you need me to grab you anything before I come back home tonight?”  Jo offered.

“No thanks Jo, you’re sweet.  I’m just gonna rest.  I'm glad you're feeling better.”  Rayne replied looking down at Tommy who had begun kissing Rayne's fingers as she covered his mouth.  “Have a good day.”

“Feel better chick.”  Jo said.  Rayne kept Tommy’s mouth covered while she still heard shuffling around the apartment, only removing it once she finally heard the front door close.  Rayne fell back onto the bed, her red hair spread out all over her pillow.

“That was close.”  Rayne sighed before looking over at Tommy and smiling.  “Good morning.”

“Good morning.”  Tommy smiled sleepily tightening his grip around Rayne.  “Are you ashamed of me?  Hiding me from your best friend.”

“No, but be happy the door was locked, because she would’ve come in here, seen you and she never would have left.  The questioning would have been endless, you would've felt like your mother just caught you in bed with me.”  Rayne replied honestly.  “Sorry she woke you up though.”

“It’s okay.”  Tommy replied leaning in to kiss Rayne softly on the lips.  Rayne sighed in response, burying her hands in his hair.  Tommy pulled away nuzzling Rayne’s nose with his.  “You know, since you’re playing hooky today I could think of one thing we could do.”

“Oh yeah?  What is that?” Rayne smiled over at him. Tommy didn’t respond, well verbally at least.  He leaned back in and kissed Rayne again, placing his hand at the small of her back to arch her against him.  She could feel Tommy was already hard.  Rayne couldn’t help the moans that fell from her mouth as she and Tommy grinded against each other.  Tommy smiled against her lips before he rolled the two of them over so Rayne was underneath him.  Rayne sat up when she felt Tommy’s fingers hook at the bottom of her shirt to allow him to lift it off of her.  Tommy put all his weight on his left arm to support him so he could admire Rayne’s body beneath him.  Rayne watched him closely trying to get a read on any emotion crossing his face other than desire, she couldn’t identify any.

“Sit up baby.”  Tommy spoke in a husky voice and Rayne was all too happy to comply.  She grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him in for another heated kiss.  Rayne slipped her tongue into Tommy’s mouth when she felt his hands around the back of her bra.  Tommy quickly popped the clasps open, obviously experienced at the task. The two continued to kiss Tommy slid the black bra straps down her arms.  Rayne pulled away moving to slip Tommy’s shirt up and over his head. Tommy kept his eyes locked with Rayne as he pulled her bra away from her breasts.  Rayne could feel her chest rising and falling from sheer excitement and Tommy finally looked down, his breath hitching as he took in her naked upper half.  Her tits were fantastic, he thought instantly they were big but still perky with pink nipples that were begging for his attention.  

Rayne laid back on her pillows and Tommy followed suit peppering kisses all over her chest.  “Oh fuck.”  Rayne gave a strained cry as Tommy wrapped his lips around one of her nipples and began to gently suck on it, soon after switching to tenderly flattening his tongue against her nipple, giving it long languid strokes to give it some relief from his mouth.

She couldn’t help how she squirmed underneath him, it had been so long since anyone touched her like this.  She was wanton and eager and Rayne didn’t give a shit, his mouth and hands were heaven and she wasn’t about to give that up for anything.  Rayne reached down to try and slide the sweatpants Tommy was wearing off but he quickly stopped her.  “Ut uh, you gotta have patience Cherry.”

“Haven’t I been patient enough?”  Rayne questioned breathily smiling at his nickname for her.  “It’s been a month!”  Tommy leaned in to kiss Rayne in hopes to keep her from protesting, which it did.  He began to kiss all the way down her body, between her luscious breasts, down her stomach until he placed a wet kiss on top of the waistband of Rayne’s pajama pants.  Tommy took a moment to look up to Rayne, her right hand was thrown behind her head and her head turned to the side, lips panting against her tricep.  To say seeing her like that gave him a sense of pride was an understatement, he felt powerful that he could make such a woman lose herself. After he discarded her pajama pants Tommy hooked one of Rayne’s legs over his shoulder.  He brought his hands up to her panties and began to caress her over the silky fabric which caused Rayne to almost shoot off the bed. “Oh my god Tommy!”

“That’s a good girl.  So wet for me.”  Tommy smiled continuing to tease her through her panties.  “Tell me what you want.”

“Fuck I want you…” Rayne cried as his fingers grazed over her clit before moving her panties down her legs discarding them to the side.

“My what?”  Tommy teasingly drug his fingers anywhere except the one place that would give her the most relief.

“Your mouth.”  Rayne whimpered begging to be touched.  Tommy didn’t make her wait long until his tongue was pressed flat against her pussy moving in long languid strokes.  Rayne spread her legs as wide as they could go, bringing her hand to her mouth to bite on her finger, “Oh my fucking god.”

“You taste so fucking good baby.”  Tommy grinned before exposing Rayne’s clit sucking on it just like he had her nipples earlier.  The sounds of her pleasure making him hard as a rock.  He continued to lick and suck on her until she buried her fingers in his hair urging him on.

“Tommy don’t stop, please!  I’m gonna-“

“That’s it baby.  Let go.”  Tommy said before his mouth went back to working her clit which sent her over the edge.

“Oh my god Tommy!  Fuck!”  Rayne screamed as she felt her orgasm wash over her in waves, it was like a time bomb went off inside of her, her legs were trembling and she was completely out of breath. Tommy gave one last long lick against Rayne to get any little bit of her cum that he could, which only made Rayne shake again before making his way up her body.  Tommy placed his hands on either side of Rayne’s head leaning down kissing her passionately.  Rayne could taste herself on Tommy’s tongue, which only made her feel even more drunk on him.

“Fuck someone is sensitive.”  Tommy grinned down at the red head beauty who was finally able to catch her breath.

“Oh my god Tommy, that was amazing.”  Rayne spoke with her eyes closed, a smile plastered on her face.  She didn't think she'd ever stop smiling after that.

“It was amazing.  You make the sexiest noises when you're about to cum.”  Tommy ran his fingers through Rayne’s silky soft red hair.  Tommy rolled onto Rayne’s side, the position making Rayne utterly aware of Tommy’s hard on. She lazily turned her head to face Tommy, still smiling, “My turn.”

“No baby, you don’t have to.  I just wanted to help you forget about last night and make you feel good.” Tommy replied genuinely.

“Well mission accomplished.”  Rayne grinned before rolling over so she was on top of Tommy repeating, Tommy's hands immediately went to her breasts caressing them in his hands making Rayne moan before snapping out of her own pleasure.  Tommy was certain he could see two devil horns springing out of her head.

Rayne repeated Tommy’s movements, kissing him all down his lean torso.  Now it was her turn to make him squirm.  Rayne effortlessly slid the sweatpants down Tommy’s leg, smiling as his erection happily stood up at attention.  She threw the sweatpants in the discarded pile of clothes on her bedroom floor.  Tommy had propped himself up on his elbows to be able to watch Rayne. Rayne locked eyes with Tommy and softly dragged her nails up and down Tommy’s thighs.  She couldn’t help feeling good as she watched him throw his head back.  The head of Tommy’s cock was already slick, glistening with precum, Rayne couldn’t help herself she leaned her head down and gave one long lick around the head of his cock. “Fuck baby.”

Rayne happily placed her tongue at the base of his dick, slowly working it all the way back up to the tip.  She did so again, this time her tongue starting at his balls and working her way up to his tip.  She was trying to drive him crazy, and it appeared she was doing a good job. Tommy’s hands were clenching the sheets below in attempt to, she assumed, not push her mouth down onto his dick.  “Mmm, yummy.”

“Fuck Rayne I- argh” Tommy’s statement was quickly hushed as Rayne took as much of Tommy’s length as she could into her mouth.  As she had seen last night Tommy was extremely large, larger than anyone Rayne had been with before.  She brought her mouth down as far as it could comfortably go and she slowly dragged back up.  Rayne reached his head and pulled off with an audible pop.  Rayne dove back to the task on hand, this time when she reached her comfort level, she relaxed her throat and slowly inched her head down until she had Tommy all the way inside her mouth.  “That’s right baby take all of it. Take mmph-“ Tommy was once again cut off as Rayne began moaning appreciatively, the vibrations of her throat driving Tommy mad with lust.  When she pulled back she began to bob her head up and down at a slightly faster pace, occasionally slowing down to deep throat him.  While she did that her hands gently massaged Tommy’s balls.  “Fuck Rayne. I’m gonna cum.”

If her mouth wasn’t full she would have smiled, instead she kept working her head up and down sucking and licking as she went.  She appreciated the warning, but she didn’t have any issue with swallowing for Tommy, his cum wasn’t going anywhere but down her throat.  “Oh fuck.”  Tommy said one final time before he fiercely came in Rayne’s mouth. She could feel his hot cum going down her throat as she swallowed any last bit he had to offer.  Soon Tommy was finished and Rayne pulled away from Tommy’s dick.  Tommy was flat on his back, his hands covering his eyes, Rayne laid next to him satisfied with herself she kissed his neck.  “That was the best blow job I’ve ever gotten in my life.”

“Oh please, you would say that even if I was shit at it.”  Rayne laughed at him, licking her lips still able to taste him.

“I’m not kidding.  I… I can’t even think straight.  My heart feels like it’s about to explode.”  Tommy said turning his head to look at Rayne.  Tommy brought his thumb up to Rayne’s lips rubbing it along her bottom lip, moaning when Rayne took his thumb into her mouth and began sucking on it.  “I want you.” Rayne whispered against his finger.

“I want you too, but not here.”  Tommy said softly.

“What? What’s wrong with here?” Rayne questioned starting to get scared.

“I want it to be perfect for you baby.  Do you trust me?”  Tommy asked nuzzling his nose against Rayne’s.

“I trust you. But you know I’m not a virgin Tommy, I don’t need a bed of roses.  That ship has long sailed.”  Rayne made sure he was aware.  

“That doesn’t mean it can’t be something to remember forever.”

“Oh you’re such a dork.”  Rayne smiled shaking her head.  “Do you want to hop into the shower with me?  Then afterwards we can make breakfast.”

“Mmmhmm, but hands off.”  Tommy pointed at Rayne.  “I know it’ll be hard for you but I’m gonna have to insist.”

“Yeah right.” Rayne chuckled pushing herself off the bed walking towards the door.  She turned to Tommy when she didn’t hear him behind her.  “You coming or not?”

“I just did.” Tommy grinned continuing before Rayne took back her offer.

“I’ve dreamt about your ass since the first night I watched you leave through the window of the apartment.  This is the first time I’m really seeing, I’m just taking it all in.” Tommy appreciated the view from the bed.  Rayne playfully shook her ass back and forth for him, surprising Tommy when she gave it a loud smack.  “Well how’s the reality?”

“Better than the dream.”  Tommy spoke sincerely before he pushed himself up off of Rayne’s bed and walked hand in hand with her to the bathroom.  He silently prayed that he had the strength to not make love to her until all his plans fell into place which he figured would be very soon.  One thing was certain though, what he said to Nikki the first night he saw Rayne was true.  He was, without a doubt, in love with her.

---

Take Me To The Next Chapter

Well there it is!  Please give me any feedback you have!  Like I said I haven’t written smut in ever!!  So if it was bad or good let me know!  Love you guys!!

[danrdarrenc]

Will proposing to Sonny.

Wanonymous said: If you’re interested, I would love to hear about Will and Sonny renewing their vows/getting married again since idk if their marriage contract is still valid lol

anonymous said: Prompt: Will plans a surprise vow renewal for Sonny now that he has his memory back (but it’s just the two of them)

A sequel to this fic but can be read alone.

The idea comes to Will when he finds the papers stuffed in the back of his desk drawer. In the chaos and excitement of the return of his memories, he’s forgotten that he and Sonny are actually divorced. 

He remembers what he said to Sonny that first night: You’re my husband. And I’m yours. And it will always be that way. It was the truth then and it’s the truth now. In their hearts and their every day life they’re (still) married, but the law says otherwise. 

A plan begins to form.

“Adrienne? Justin? Can I talk to you?” Will finds them both in the sitting room of the Kiriakis mansion, Adrienne drinking tea, Justin reading over some paperwork. 

Despite it being nearly Christmas, Sonny is off on a week-long business trip to Chicago that Chad has sent him on and Will takes the opportunity to set his plan in motion. 

“Will, hi.” Adrienne greets him with a smile. She’s been nicer and more maternal to him in the few months since he’s gotten his memories back than she was to him during the entirety of the three years that Will was with Sonny before. He supposes she’s just glad to see Sonny happy again. 

“What can we do for you?” Justin asks, abandoning his papers. “Is Sonny okay?”

“Oh. Yeah. He’s fine. He’s in Chicago at some conference,” Will explains. “But Sonny is actually what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Okay.” Will hears the warning in Adrienne’s voice.

“Adrienne, I know you were never a fan of mine. No, please let me finish,” Will says, as Adrienne opens her mouth to speak. “And I know that I broke Sonny’s heart - before. But I never stopped loving him. He’s a part of me in way no one else ever could be. I want to marry him again. So…I’m not asking for your permission but I would like your blessing.”

“Oh, Will.” Adrienne’s voice is soft and her body melts. “Of course you have our blessing,” she says and immediately envelopes him in a hug. 

Justin, too, hugs him tightly and shakes his hand in congratulations.

Will thanks them both and then on his way out says, “I’d like to try to keep this a surprise, so please don’t tell Sonny.”

They both agree.

Step two is to secure a dinner reservation at Doug’s Place. He’s never sure if Julie is a fan of his but today she appears to be. 

“I know it’s close to Christmas and I know it’s last minute, but I’d really appreciate it if I could get an 8 o’clock dinner reservation for two for Friday night. Sonny comes home on Thursday and I’d like for everything to be set before then.”

“Is there any special reason for this dinner?” She’s got a twinkle in her eye that tells him she knows the answer to that question.

His face splits into an embarrassed grin. “I want to ask him to marry me.”

“Oh, honey.” She melts the same way Adrienne had. “You know what? I can do better than just a dinner reservation for you. You can have the whole place to yourselves.”

“Are you sure?” Will asks, alarmed. “I don’t want to take business away from you.”

She waves his objection away with her hand. “Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of everything. It’ll be perfect.”

“Thank you,” Will responds, overwhelmed by Julie’s sudden outpouring of love. 

Step three is to buy rings. Will wants this to be a fresh start, so it’s going to be new rings. In any case, Will has no idea where either original ring is. So he heads to the jewelry shop in the Square and picks out two pewter rings.

As he steps out of the store, he literally bumps into Lucas who is out with Will’s new baby sister, courtesy of Bonnie Lockhart.

”Is it weird?” Will asks, gesturing to the one-year old in the carriage Lucas is pushing.

”Having a new baby?” Lucas asks. When Bonnie had first dropped the news on him, he had insisted on a paternity test, which had proved she wasn’t lying. “Not really. You’re all grown up and Allie’s half way across the world. It’s kind of nice having a little person again who depends on me.”

Will grins. “You should bring her over to the apartment. I’m sure Ari would love to use her as a living doll.”

Lucas laughs and then asks, “Was that the jewelry store I saw you leaving?” His eyes sparkle and he has a devilish grin on his face.

Will blushes, caught out by his dad. “Uh, yeah. I’m going to ask Sonny to marry me tomorrow.”

”That’s great!” Lucas booms, startling some nearby passersby. “I’m so happy for you, Will.” He pulls Will into a bone-crushing hug.

When they break apart, Will admits he’s nervous.

”Why?”

”I don’t know. I know he’ll say yes. We still consider ourselves married. But it’s still nerve-wracking, y’know?”

”You’ll be fine,” Lucas encourages just as the baby starts getting fussy. “I should go.”

Will nods and heads in the opposite direction as his father and sister.

Step four is asking Gabi to take Ari for the weekend, starting tomorrow. It’s an unspoken agreement that Will and Sonny are Arianna’s primary caretakers.

”Of course I’ll have her for the weekend!” Gabi exclaims when he explains why he’s asking. “Oh. I’m so happy for you, Will. You deserve it. Both of you do.” She hugs him tight and he’s overwhelmed by how grateful he is to have her as his friend and the mother of his child.

Will picks Sonny up at the train station two hours later.

”I missed you,” Sonny says when they break apart from the lingering kiss with which Will has greeted Sonny.

”I missed you, too. Let’s go home. Ari’s there with Gabi waiting to see you.”

After a quick hello hug, Gabi lets herself out of the apartment, leaving the three of them to share a quiet evening.

As they’re climbing into bed after getting Ari settled for the night, Will says, “I thought we could go out for dinner tomorrow, just the two of us. Gabi’s agreed to have Ari for the weekend.”

Sonny looks at him curiously but acquiesces. “Okay. Any particular reason why?”

Will shrugs. “We haven’t really spent much time alone since I got my memory back and I realized how much I missed you this past week.”

Sonny grins slowly, more than appeased. “I love you,” he says, shuffling himself into the middle of the bed to pull Will into a kiss.

Will smiles, his heart full, and meets Sonny’s mouth with his.

”Doug’s Place?” Sonny asks rather unnecessarily, as they plot the familiar course through town to the club that once belonged to Sonny.

Will nods. “I made us a reservation this morning. I hope it’s okay.” The ring box sits comfortably in Will’s jacket pocket, rising and falling with each of his breaths.

”Of course it’s okay,” Sonny answers, kissing Will’s cheek and lacing their fingers together in between them.

They arrive at the restaurant at five minutes to eight. Inside, the lights are low, soft music plays on the speakers, and there’s a table in the middle set for two, a single rose in a vase sitting in the center of the table. A bottle of champagne rests in a bucket of ice next to the table. Conspicuously, the place is empty of patrons.

”Will?” Sonny questions.

”Julie was feeling generous and closed the place for us,” Will says.

Will leads Sonny to the table. “What are you up to?” Sonny asks as they sit down.”

Will is spared having to answer the question as a waiter appears with menus and to pop the champagne. Having eaten there many times, it takes Will and Sonny only minutes to decide what they want for dinner: steak and fries for Sonny, a bowl of pasta with shrimp and peas for Will.

While they wait for their food, they discuss mundane things: TV shows they want to watch; books Will has yet to read; Sonny’s trip to Chicago; Will’s work at the paper. Eventually, when their food arrives, talk turns to the shenanigans happening around Salem. They discuss the mess of Chad and Abigail’s lives (and Gabi’s part in it); the mess of Jennifer, Brady, and Eric’s lives, in only a small part due to the return of Nicole; Sonny asks about Marlena’s progress, which turns to talk about if either of them have had any news about Paul; and they take bets about how uncomfortable the Horton tree trimming will be this year.

”Is it strange to have a sister younger than Ari?” Sonny asks.

Will ponders the question. “I haven’t really thought about it. I guess so. I think it’s weird for Dad, though. I asked him yesterday about it, actually. He says it’s not but I don’t think he was entirely honest.”

”Will it be weird if she ends up looking like me?”

Will laughs. “Why would she look like you?”

”Bonnie looks just like mom,” Sonny answers. Don’t you think she might resemble me when she gets older?”

Will stares at him, speechless, a forkful of pasta frozen in midair halfway to his mouth. Sonny grins.

After that, Will is too disturbed by that image to carry on anymore conversation and they finish their meal in comfortable silence. When their plates are devoid of any food, Will stands and holds his hand out to Sonny. “Dance with me?”

Sonny’s face softens with a small smile and he takes Will’s hand, falls into Will’s arms, which encircle his waist as soon as Sonny is out of his chair. Sonny’s arms automatically go around Will’s shoulders, his hands resting together behind Will’s head. They sway on the spot, not really dancing, but not standing still either.

“Thank you for tonight,” Sonny says after a bit. “It was nice.”

“Only nice?” Will asks.

Sonny blushes. “More than nice.” After a beat, he says, “Sometimes I still can’t believe this is real. That you’re really here and with me. I don’t say it, but sometimes when I wake up and you’re not in bed, I panic. I have to remind myself that you’re only in the bathroom or Ari’s room.”

Will stops swaying, the mood turned serious, the ring box heavy in his jacket pocket. “I love you, you know that, right?” Will asks, suddenly unsure.

Sonny nods, lips turned up in a small smile. 

“Marry me,” Will says simply. He had planned on a big speech but standing with Sonny in his arms, a big speech doesn’t seem necessary. There are too many words and not enough words to express everything that he wants to say to Sonny.

Sonny’s mouth drops open in surprise. 

Will lets go of Sonny’s waist with one hand and pulls the ring box out of his pocket. “I had planned on making this a proposal,” Will says.

“But?” Sonny asks, his eyes on the box in Will’s hand. 

“My mom told me once when we were out in LA how she and EJ had privately renewed their vows after she forgave him for the Abigail fiasco. I want us to be married again, Sonny, legally, but we don’t need to wait until we’re in front of friends and family to say our vows. So will you marry me tonight?”

Sonny nods furiously, overcome with emotion, and surges forward to kiss Will. Will smiles into the kiss and pulls Sonny closer, their hearts beating in tandem against their chests. 

When they break apart, Will lets go of Sonny to open the ring box. He’s about to take a ring out when Sonny stalls his hand. 

“Can I - can I go first?” Sonny asks. 

Will drops his hand and lets Sonny take out the first ring. “I meant what I said at our wedding. You’re my anchor. When I came back to Salem after San Francisco, I came back with the intention of being gone in a few weeks. And then I met you, and suddenly I didn’t want to be anywhere else.” Sonny stops, searches Will’s eyes. His free hand finds Will’s. “I lost my mooring when you went to LA and I know - I know everything spiraled out of control from there. We both did and said things we shouldn’t have.” 

They’ve already talked about it, that last year, last eight months before Sonny left and Will “died”, but Sonny needs it to be clear now, in this moment, that he’s claiming responsibility in how things ended, needs Will to know that he will makes sure that it never happens again.

“You once said that you brought more of the imperfections to our relationship and I said that wasn’t true. That was the truth then and it’s true now. I took you for granted and I am so so sorry about that. I judged you more than I should have and I made you feel unloved. I abandoned you and I have hated myself for it every day for the past three years. I never stopped loving you, Will. Burying you was the most awful week of my life. I spent weeks, months after not believing it was real. It turned me cold, and hard, and into someone I didn’t even recognize.”

Sonny looks down, away from Will, and bites his lip. His heart still hurts when he thinks about WIll’s funeral. 

“Coming back to Salem was hard. Everything reminded me of you. And even when I pushed through the memories, I was still uncertain, unmoored, lost without my anchor. But then the most amazing miracle happened.” Sonny returns his gaze to Will and his face splits into a bright smile. “I got you back. You were alive. Suddenly I could breathe again. And even though you couldn’t remember me, you were still here, y’know? I got a piece of my heart back I never thought I would ever see again. These last four months have been a dream come true. 

“And I know that what happened before you died can’t be undone but I need you to know that I will never, ever take you for granted again. You are the most important person my life, Will, besides Ari.” Sonny takes the ring box from Will and drops it onto the table next to them. Then he lifts Will’s left hand to his mouth and kisses his knuckles before sliding the new wedding ring onto Will’s finger. “I love you so much, Will. As I give you this ring, so I give you my heart.”

Will swallows thickly, overcome with emotion. He laces their fingers together, swings their entwined hands a little at their sides. “When I was in Memphis, all I knew about my life was what Susan had told me. And then you came walking into the bar and completely changed my life. I know the amnesia was hard on you and I am so sorry that you had to suffer like that. But I meant what I said when I got my memory back. You’re in my heart. You’re in my bones. You are part of me in a way no else is. 

“I know that I was kind of a mess that last year before I - before I died. I betrayed your trust so badly. But I never want to be that person again. I also - I also called our life boring,” Will says, his brow furrowing at the bad memory. “That was unfair to you and what we had built together. The truth is you’re my anchor too. These past few months with you I have never felt more settled in my life, like I’m right where I’m supposed to be and who I’m supposed to be with. I didn’t just get my memories back, I got my heart and my soul back.” Will lets go of Sonny’s hands to pull the second ring out of the box on the table. Slipping it onto Sonny’s finger, Will says, “I love you more than anything, Sonny, except for Ari. As I give you this ring, so I give you my heart.”

As soon as the ring is secure on his finger, Sonny takes Will’s face in his hands and kisses him, deeply. 

“Husbands for life,” Sonny mumbles against Will’s mouth, his eyes closed and their foreheads touching.

“Husbands for life,” Will echoes quietly, his arms tightening around Sonny’s waist. 

They return to swaying to the soft music drifting out of the speakers, until eventually they make their way to the privacy of their home. 

[foomatic]

It’s been two weeks since ClexaCon

and I think I’m finally collected enough to write about my experience. I have to break it down into highlights, or else we’ll be here all day, lol.

I was extremely grateful to be asked to be part of the team this year. You have no idea the amount of planning that goes into ClexaCon. You think you know, but you really don’t. It’s a testament to the drive and tenacity of the Con directors that ClexaCon is what it is. They learned a lot from 2017 and having a bigger team certainly helped navigate all the major and minor details of running a convention that in its second year has doubled in size.

Perhaps the most surprising thing for me on Thursday was the way everyone showed up for the two pre-con events we had planned: speed friending and the pool takeover. People were spilling out into the casino during the speed friending event, it was insane. And put a couple of inflatable rainbow unicorns in a pool and suddenly you have a queer pool party in full swing complete with awesome weather and every type of queer under the sun. It was such a gay oasis that one of the lifeguards pulled me aside (I had a staff badge on) to ask me what event was this for, because never had he seen so many queer women at the Tropicana pool. The best way I could explain ClexaCon was, “It’s like Comicon, but for queer women and allies.”  He was pleasantly surprised and thought the whole thing was pretty cool.

I averaged 3 hours of sleep each night during the con.  Call time was around 7:30 AM, and we didn’t get done until 8 or 9PM.  There was very little downtime, and I think for each day my first meal, besides coffee in the morning, came around 3 or 4 in the afternoon.  My first meal on Friday was courtesy of @weasal and @gramjams when I finally had a moment to see them on the vendor floor.  They fed me beer, because obviously they love me.  The hours were long, but at the end of every night, my friends and I managed to gather and decompress and reconnect after having a crazy day.  it was much different than last year.  Pretty much all of us had something going on during the con, so there were no opportunities for us to hang out and just enjoy ourselves as a group.  We had gotten a two bedroom suite, so it was ample space for all of us to chill, relax, and a have a few drinks together.  We made that time, late at night, to be together, even though we knew we had to get up hella early the next morning.  And I’m glad we did, because we are such a tight-knit Kru, and it was hard not being able to spend the time with each other. @rialize , @puregloryandgore @colesmcgee @blakeyyang @second-stringer @metriosity @bnnxp @pandabearsnsquids y’all are the best homies ever.  Also there’s more of us but they’re not all on tumblr, but they’re important tooooo.

Having the opportunity to film the guests backstage while they watched my vids made every sacrifice I made during the con worth it.  I almost felt removed from myself during those moments, like I was so zoned in and focused on getting the shot that I couldn’t let myself really enjoy what was unfolding behind my eyes.  I was hyped, don’t get me wrong, but subdued because when I was working behind the scenes during the times when the guests are away from the craziness of the con, I didn’t want to encroach on their moment of peace and start fangirling.  That’s the trade-off.  But seeing Isabella Gomez, Gloria Kellett, and Mike Royce shed tears watching my ODAAT vid; watching Dom tear up watching I’m On Fire and Kat placing a comforting arm around her waist; watching Emily, Tamara, Dom, and Kat crack jokes and smile during “Raise a Little Hell”; seeing Nafessa absolutely rock out to Run This Town watching herself kick ass on screen . . . these are fandom moments that I never even dreamed of because they were so out there and so unlikely to happen.  But happen they did and man I don’t think I’ll ever come down off that high.  Other fav BTS highlights:  Sarah Shahi calling me out for wearing a WayHaught shirt to the Shoot Panel, and also dragging a fan backstage with us; seeing the pure joy on Nafessa’s face as we walked through the convention hall; filming Chyler Leigh as the crowd sang her happy birthday.

My fav con story, however, happened on Saturday.  Around 3 PM the directors had ordered a massive Kentucky Fried Chicken meal for staff, and kept the food in the AV room.  Staff filtered into the room in a rush to quickly eat and get back on the floor, so you can imagine what it must have looked like in there when they were done.  KFC Armageddon.  We were too busy to really clean up, so we just left the mess there for the end of the night, to clean up before we left.  Around 5:30, there’s a knock on the door, and Lisa opens it to find Isabella Gomez and Gloria Kellett standing outside.  We both froze and had a deer in headlights look, but apparently they were there to talk a staff member and wanted to come inside. Inside the room full of chicken bones, dirty napkins, and half eaten coleslaw and mashed potatoes.  The room REEKED of KFC.  We mumbled something about having to clean up before they could come in but they said they didn’t mind and wanted to see us in our “natural habitat” so Lisa let them in while @blakeyyang and I quickly tried to clean up the mess.  They were so nice and gracious.  Isabella was doing something with her phone (IG story or something) and Gloria smiled and asked how our day was going.  They were really chill about being in there, so I took a chance and asked if I could get a photo with them, and they were so cool about it.  I mentioned that I had made their panel video, and thanked them for ODAAT.  Nothing but smiles from them, at the end of a really long day.

Saturday night was crazy (honestly was anything not crazy at this point during the con?).  I left the AV room at 7PM to go to Cocktails for Change to film, left there at 8:30PM to help set up Ascension, finally got up to the room at 10:00PM for a quick shower and bite to eat and was back down at Ascension by 11:00PM.  Filmed, drank, danced, went back up to our suite around 3 AM and don't remember anything after that except waking up the next morning in my PJs passed out on the floor next to my bed. Wild.

I don’t remember Sunday much.  I did get my Kat and Dom photo op, they are such lovely ladies.  I think at one point I was staring blankly at a computer screen, too tired to move or function.  I was also feeling sad that it was over.  There was a great deal of time tidying up and getting all our stuff organized for the movers the next day.  By the time I left the AV room they had already torn down the Main Stage Panel room; it was as if we were never there.  The vendor hall was full of bare tables, and I just stood there and took it in for a moment, to really let it sink in what we accomplished in those three days.  That night we all just chilled and reminisced about all the things we enjoyed that weekend.

A friend and I shared a birthday on Monday.  We kicked off the celebration by sleeping in until 10:30, then we visited the con floor one last time to make sure everything was loaded out properly, then we all went to Shake Shack and spent our first day outside in the sun since we had arrived there on Wednesday.  It was glorious.  We followed that with Dinner at Wicked Spoon and ended the night with a ride in the High Roller.

I feel like I haven't emotionally processed what the weekend meant to me, even now, two weeks later.  Sometimes my heart feels so full thinking about it, that I want to cry.  There is something to be said about being with your community, and knowing there is a tacit understanding and love for everyone there, even if you don't know who they are, because they are you, and you are them.  I'm thankful for all of you who showed up, who believed in us our second year and helped make it a success.  You guys made it all possible.

I also want to shout out to @bnnxp who is an amazing photographer and took a lot of the photos on this post.  See you in London, then ClexaCon 2019!

[purplesurveys]

108

[brunchbitch]

When you get a moment could you please bullet update on your week?

sure! i’m putting it under a read more bc it’s long and boring.

2/19/17

this week has been okay - up and down.

i moved back to W (the group home) last tuesday and the first couple nights were very very hard, but since then it’s gotten a little better. or, rather, i’ve been trying to change my attitude towards it. i’m going to be living here for at least another year and i don’t want to be miserable the whole time so i’m doing my best to try to be a little more positive. laura, the residence director, has been nice and helpful, but not too overbearing which i was worried about - (can’t remember if i’ve already written this but) courtney called her to let her know they supported me moving back here and she was like “okay i would like a copy of her meal plan and her exercise plan. i will be watching her closely” and courtney was like “umm… usually by the time they’re in iop, they don’t really need to be watched outside of program” but laura said “i don’t care. i am not letting what happened in the fall happen again on my watch.” so i feel really bad bc i feel like she partially blamed herself for not intervening sooner. so i was worried about her watching me like a hawk but she’s been good. she asked me a little about partial/iop but hasn’t asked me what i’ve eaten or anything like that so that’s good.

on thursday i did shop and cook with another girl - we made chicken walnut cranberry goat cheese pizza and it was yummy. friday we went to a sandwich place for lunch. it was both my and another girl’s last outing in php, so we begged to get ice cream even though it was really cold. we were so excited when the dietitian said we could go to ben & jerry’s and obviously it was still scary and i felt guilty for being excited/asking for it, but i was also able to reflect on how far i’ve come since september and that’s really cool.

yesterday i finally had galentine’s day with my best friend and we did some painting and had coffee and lunch together while watching phantom of the opera. i was supposed to go to multi-family group at mnlh but my check engine light came on and i was too nervous to drive 30 min on the highway so i took it to a shop and bri and i went shopping at a fun store for a little bit. once i got my car back ($280 later ugh), i ended up still going to mnlh to say hi to some of my friends, but those three clients weren’t even there - they were all on pass. so i hung out with one of the recovery coaches who i was really close to. and T was there and i got to talk to her about brandon’s phone call which was really helpful. when i told her about the time limit/end date, she was like “does he think your ED is just going to go away by then?” and i was like EXACTLY and said how i wanted to tell him to put a time limit on our therapy too lol. i’m wondering if the director of mnlh might be able to talk to him and say that the end date wouldn’t be advisable. i don’t plan to see liz for the rest of my life, for sure, but i think it’s problematic to start out knowing when we’re going to end. if i really wanted to be in treatment, i probably would’ve said i didn’t need an ED team, and then just let myself relapse again so i could go back to residential. but i am ACTIVELY trying to make my outpatient team as supportive as possible so that i DON’T have to go back to a HLOC. so i’m gonna try to talk to him about this on friday. i really need to work on being honest with him, especially when i disagree with him. so i’m really glad i stopped by mnlh and got to talk to her. i told her i would try to come next weekend too so that i could update her on how the meeting went. while i was there, i saw a new client who looked really really awful, like should’ve been in the hospital, and she is T’s client. that was hard for me. i was jealous of her body (i know i shouldn’t be, but i am) and jealous that she was probably going to be there for a very long time which means that she gets to work with T for a very long time and that’s hard. i miss T so much and wish i was seeing her outpatient. but one thing that’s really helpful is that she does work on saturdays which is the day of the alumni group, so i can convince my bpd (or whatever) that i don’t need to get really sick to see her again - i can see her in group every week! and hopefully i won’t need to go every week for months and months, but i know it’s there if i need it and it’s a much healthier way of transitioning than saying goodbye to a therapist for good and knowing i would have to return as a patient if i wanted to see them again.

i milieu'ed last night (milieu is where we have to be in the common area of the house playing games or watching a movie - you can’t study or read or do anything too isolative - and we have to milieu three nights a week) and it was pretty low-key. i made dinner (brussels sprouts, sweet potato cranberry onion mix, and chicken breast) and prepped breakfast (baked blueberry oatmeal) then started some art journaling (mostly just cutting things out of magazines at this point).

this morning i was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but her car broke down and i’m bummed i couldn’t see her but was also kind of relieved bc i didn’t sleep well so i went back to bed for an hour. i had oatmeal for breakfast, did a load of laundry (still haven’t folded that whoops), unpacked a little, then went to volunteer at the cat shelter! that was fun and three kitties got adopted. i’m really happy i found this shelter bc they’re so nice and i love being around the cats so much so that’s been a source of joy for me. then i went to get snack at berryline and see my outpatient dietitian, kellie. 

we had a really good session and laughed a bit about the ridiculousness of the fall (she was like “how did you even have ketoacidosis, i mean that is so freaking rare! it’s one thing if you have ketones in your urine, but for the actual pH of your body to change…” and then she shook her head and laughed and i laughed too bc it really is fucking ridiculous. and then she reminded me that she was talking to me on the phone in between the two hospitalizations and i was saying that my legs were numb and she had said “well if it gets worse, you should go to your doctor” and i replied “how would i know if they get worse? i can’t feel them!” and she was like “umm… ok you should definitely go to your doctor” lol i did not remember having that conversation. i just remember being terrified of going to the doctor or the walk-in clinic bc brandon had told me if i was hospitalized again, he wouldn’t work with me again.) i talked about how frustrated i was with the end date issue and she agreed with me, not by saying that i should be able to see liz for the rest of my life, that there should be an end to it, but to not necessarily set a date at this time. we also talked about some goals (continue eating out at a restaurant at least once a week when i step down to iop even though i don’t “have” to bc there aren’t any outings in iop, log everything in recovery record, and practice more intuitive eating while challenging judgements). we decided she’s going to do blind weights and she’s not going to give me feedback unless it continues to trend in one direction or the other and she’s concerned. i know my general 5-pound range from britt so kellie is only going to bring it up when i’m outside of my range. i think that’s probably better bc i get really obsessive about “it’s up a little” “well how much? still in the range? how close to the upper edge of the range?” etc. although it was really hard to agree to that from the outset. she’s also going to be weighing me with clothes on at 4pm on sundays and i wanted so badly to see it today bc i’m sure it’s so much higher than usual. i joked that she must have a really good poker face with this job and she was like “yeah i’m really good.” so i don’t think i’ll get any info there. overall though it was a really good session and i’m so happy i get to start seeing her again.

i’m milieuing now but am probably gonna get in trouble for being on the computer so much so i better end here. sorry this update was probably SO boring.

[less-sam]

ffs 😤

Yeah lol, it happened. I did nothing for two weeks. Not because I was busy or snapped one of limbs, it was legit not having any form of motivation. Motivations comes to me only when I see pictures of fashion I’d like to wear and everyday when I try and pick something to wear that won’t engorge my size anymore.

I had a semi wake up call however, being at a party last night, I dressed for July on a summer night with NO WIND, so I quickly discovered that wearing a knitted hoodie was a big no no but beauty is pain. But the thought of wearing a t-shirt which really highlights my upper body fat was just too much to take in despite my friend saying “nobody cares” to my body image. I then proceeded to eat a HJ meal, a bar of chocolate and cake today lol.

I realise the hardest part of this will be giving up sugar. During the first week, if I wanted to eat sweet food, I only ate sugar free, calorie free and fun free products which not only was a disappointment but also a financial draining since ‘no sugar’ companies like to charge like they are Juicero. The Sunday I started this blog through Thursday, I was able to block out all bad foods and by the Thursday I could tell my body was feeling more energised and I was waking up by 8:00AM and feeling generally better so there is incentive. It quickly fell apart after one bad day at work in which I then proceeded to fall back into my unhealthy diet. Tomorrow I’m gonna try again, substituting juice with low calorie cordial and making sushi.

Another thing is the gym. Despite going to the gym since March last year, I had fizzled out going there by August. I don’t think I went more than twice a week but I didn’t feel as if I was getting any healthier. $29.90 a fortnight is also a financial drain so that would be fab if I would actually use it. The main thing that is stopping me is the fact of having to show my face there and get over the fact that I haven’t been for an eternity and seeing that one trainer that intimidates me but that might just been a general character flaw of mine with manly men. June is the earliest I can cancel it, and the only reason I’d want to do that is if I move away and sign up to another gym close by.

Also side note, I don’t know if it my imagination but I think Lucas may have started going to the gym or at least eaten a little healthier because he appears a lot slimmer despite wearing clothing that shows off his body.

And another side note, another qualifying that I think will prove if I had been successful if I’m able to wear one of those douchey sleeveless hoodies that I saw in Cotton-On. To fuccboi it up would be kūru.

So tomorrow I try again! Specifically:

Go to the gym

Make Sushi and try again to detox sugar

Walk to and from work

Mix juice

Go for a night run

Also if there is anything to get out of the faceless, degree-factory that is the university I go to, is that they have this oddly inspirational video of a lady pursuing the impossible by running all around the world (specifically China and America). And the end tagline, though cliche is rather impactful. Despite it not inspiring me to further my degree, it does inspire me to run which is rather difficult at this point.

“It’s only impossible, until it’s done.”

[myfuckofffundjourney]

Money Diary, Week #3

Thursday Jan 18

Wake up, bus to the shuk - 5.9 nis. Grab a coffee and I don’t even want it. 11 nis. So weird. Maybe it’s because I’m already running late and feeling anxious about time. I drink half and then grab groceries for the client I’m cooking for, all of which I’ll get reimbursed for so I won’t list them. I also cab to their place - billing them as well. Nobody got time to haul groceries on a bus #lazy.

After cooking for 6 hrs (hey guess who just made +1200nis!!) I pack a meal from what I made (chicken, potatoes, and an Asian pear, and it’s all fucking delicious, and free, and I even had a container because of yesterdays lunch that I took to school, score!) and bus to the central bus station. 5.9 I’m feeling a bit woozy so grab soda water to calm my stomach. 7 nis. I decide to finally buy a pair of Blundstones, a decision I’ve thought about for literally like five years. I see a pair that I like that are on sale for 350 and I grab them. Also add 50 nis to Rav Kav. The boots feel great in the store and for the dash to the bus, but as soon as I’m off the bus and walking to class, they start to kill! I’m worried I got the wrong size, even though the next half size up is way too big on me. I take them off in middle of class to make sure I don’t fuck them up too badly. Finish class, head home, make toast with peanut butter and hang out with Josh.

Friday Jan 19

Wake up and peel myself out of bed to grab some random groceries - I have no coffee in the house, and really feel like having eggs for breakfast. At the grocery store, I also find an avocado thats not hard as a rock (fun fact: apparently there were no deliveries of avocados to Israel for a week and so the price doubled, and none of them are ready yet. I don’t care that the price is doubled - it’s only like 6 shekel anyway and i’ve been wanting an avocado all week.) I get eggs, an avocado, and laundry detergent - 28 nis. There is a massive bag of Tide for 60 shekel (8 kg) and I think I might get it because it smells so nice and is cheaper per kilo than anything in the store and will last for like, half a year or something. And in two weeks I’ll even have a HOUSE to store it in!!!

I stop at my favorite coffee grinder guy and pick up 100g of coffee for 6 nis and think back to when I was living in Florentine and I could find the same amount for at a minimum 10 nis, usually more. Thank you, Jaffa gods, for making prices reasonable.  This usually can last for almost a week, but it’s exam season and I’m going to be mainlining coffee.

When i get home, I make a good breakfast (toast, eggs, salad, coffee) and THEN I CAN DO MY LAUNDRY! FOR FREE!!!! I’m so effing excited, it’s been literally four months without a washing machine at my disposal. I’ll probably need to throw some things in the dryer at the laundromat because its going to be a fucking COLD weekend and I have no clean socks and stuff, but still!

Anyway, I’m at my next conundrum, which is the fact that it’s now sale season and there are so many things I want/need. In the wants column, we’ll just put new clothes. I’m v bored of that I have and would love some new additions. In the needs column, we’ll put shoes - this is a biggie, I hate buying shoes and spending money on them - house items (coffee table, bed, closet, curtains, oven), a new phone (this one is pissing me off with its jerkiness and general crappy demanour. I could probably get it to work well if I do a factory reset but the screen is also cracked and replacing it will cost at least 400 nis. I’d rather get a new/secondhand phone.) Anyway, IKEA is having a sale, all the clothing stores are having massive sales, and I’m not sure what to do. These are more investment type items, but it’s still hard to justify spending the money. And then the fact that Uri and Jordana are getting married soon - I’ll actually make a bit of money from catering his aufruf kiddush/her shabbat kallah dinner, but not a ton.

I FINALLY get a message that I’m getting paid for an event I did like, three weeks ago - that’s another +1,630. YESSSS. That plus an extra +500 for shabbat will be so helpful for the move.

Run out to throw some things in the dryer - I just collect random shekels and don’t actually keep track, but i think it’s around 8 nis. While waiting for my stuff to dry, I get some binders, highlighters, little page markers, and also use the stores hole-puncher to hole-punch LITERALLY like 500 pages of notes. Don’t have to buy a hole-puncher though! It’s still 33 nis. Ugh.

I end up heading to Jerusalem kinda stupidly late, and end up taking a taxi to the bus station with Josh, but he covers it because he owes me money for groceries. The sherut is 35 nis - ugh. I’ve left my purse at home so Josh lends me a 50 that he also says to use toward groceries.

Saturday Jan 20

I work for WAY longer than I would have wanted to, and it really isn’t very much money, and I really needed the time to study, but on the other hand, it was pretty easy and it was 500 nis. So, balances out. After Shabbat is out I head to Jerusalem - 5.9 for the train, and 16 nis for the bus. When I get to Tel Aviv, the bus to my house is a friggin half hour away so I have to walk home, which is a massive waste of time. Really need to sit and calculate how much that half hour was worth to me, because I’m SOOOO behind on my studying, but can I just stay up a half hour later? Does life even work that way?

I make a peanut butter and banana wrap. Wraps are THE BEST thing to have around but I never buy them because I feel like they’re expensive? But a friend left these at my house and they’ve been the base of many a quick happy dinner, so maybe I’ll keep them around. Also come up with a plan to market myself as a meal-prep delivery service for people who can’t cook at home... i wonder if I’d ever actually execute that.

Sunday January 21

Basically spend all day inside studying/making food/cleaning/doing laundry. All of these are relatively money-less endeavours! On my way to school I do grab some fruit because I have none in the house. 9 nis

A friend coming from New York places an order on amazon for me for bamboo toothbrushes and charcoal exfoliating gloves - those guys are the shit and I hate throwing out plastic toothbrushes. They last quite a while and it only comes out to 70 shek - I’ll pay him when I see him.

Monday January 22

I meet Kim at the shuk for a grocery shop. It doesn’t really feel so smart to do the shop before my CSA gets in. I need to recalibrate my weeks so that I can do it on Tuesday morning and not be starving. Anyway, I get:

Parmesan and goat cheese - 24.6

Oatmeal, wild rice, and raisins - 20

Salmon - the guy cuts me way more than I asked for and I tell him off. I asked for 300 grams for a reason, mister, not for 350 grams. I’m turning into an asshole lol. 33 nis

Avocado, sweet potato, zucchini, chilis - 18 nis

Clementines, potatoes, cherry tomatoes, and an impulse buy dragon fruit - 34 nis

Green onion - 5 nis

On the way home, I still can use my transfer on my Rav Kav. Hell yes. Now I just need to stock up on things like more coffee, wraps, and one or two other things, but between this and the CSA I should be good for the week.

At home i make a big pot of rice, roasted veggies, two sauces (one using up cilantro that was going bad and yogurt I didn’t feel like eating), salmon, and sauteed greens from last weeks CSA. Now I have food options! And I only need to finish my celery and romaine lettuce from the CSA. Don’t know what to do with it though. Hmm.

Buttttt ugh I get an email from the school. I owe tuition, I think it’s loan time. I’m thinking of asking them if I can consolidate the debt, and when I do a huge work event I can throw a few thousand shekel at tuition. PAYING FOR SCHOOL IS SUCH A BITCH. But at least the loan system here doesn’t blow. I also get an email about a grant. GRANT I NEED YOU GET IN MY WALLET.

CSA box comes with some dope looking ingredients. I’ll have to cook wisely this week so nothing gets wasted though - my fridge is already FULL of food. What a nice feeling :).

Tuesday January 23

I wake up late, ugh. Go grab coffee - this time i get double what I got last week - rice milk, and cashews, to maybe turn into butter. It comes out to way more than i anticipated - 44 nis. Eek.Still though, haven’t eaten out once this week except for one coffee and one bottle of water, so I’m feeling good! Then I feel terrible when i think about tuition and moving. Gah! Cashew butter tastes amazing though, so there’s that!

Finally get an answer to an insurance claim I filed (and won) months ago! They had sent me a cheque (srsly who does that) which I never received, so they are going to cancel it, and wire me the funds. It’s around $350 - just wish I’d done this before the dollar crashed so hard. Oh well. Still free-ish money!

Buy an eclair. I need some comfort sweets. Interestingly, I don’t think I’ve had anything with overt amounts of processed sugar in a few days - since Saturday, I guess. I’ve had honey in my tea and stuff, but that’s it. I wonder if I’ll feel anything? It’s only mediocre but I needed to get out and interact with a human who is not Josh/the dog. 10 nis.

Wednesday January 24

I have to print some notes for this exam that i am definitely in no way passing (hi moed bet!) It’s way more expensive than it would be at school. Damn. 12.5

Total: 770.7 - minus shoes - 420.7

School/misc- 403 (includes a 350 nis pair of shoes that are too small and that I will try to return)

Groceries- 221

Eating out- 28

Transportation - 118.7

Money earned: 500, 1620

The takeaway from this week is: School is effing expensive, and I spent freely on groceries to not be tempted to eat out which worked (slash my extreme isolation/studying helps too) but I also bought a lot of “nice things” that I don’t need. On the other hand, I’ll have lots of food stored for the next week or two. Wins all around, I think. Would be nice to get most of my weeks spending to look like this (minus the shoes) - I could be down with spending only 400 nis a week.