#have you no love in your heart for bald lesbian shrek?

[toytulini]

saw fanart yesterday that i was ehh on

but it brought me to the conclusion that, if shrek was a lesbian, if shrek was a woman, i think she would be exactly the same as canon movie shrek, actually, and in fact. to the point, she would be so indistinguishable, that i can no longer be convinced that canon movie shrek isnt a he/him lesbian, and im excited to rewatch all the movies through the lens of percieving shrek this way. i think it will be based. excited.

[letscuttothefeeling]

season three episode one

Okay everyone, Siesta Key just ended and I must say – I’m overall VERY pleased with the premiere of Season 3. Even though I know everything that’s happening in this season because I created a reddit account specifically for access to a thread dedicated to all things SK, and because they posted everything that happens on the Siesta Key Instagram, I was still shocked by one thing: how much I enjoyed the episode. Let’s cut to the feeling.

Fade in. There he is – the mystery man I’ve been dying to meet – SCOTT. That’s right, Fabienne’s husband. You may know him as Juliette’s Father. Chic French queen Fabienne and confused husband Scott congratulate Juliette on her graduation from FSU and suggest she become an attorney. Juliette has plans of her own – retail. They look elated. After making a weird sex joke to her Dad, and having visible difficulty adjusting to her new veneers, Juliette has graduated, the scene is over, and I am feeling great about the season.

If you’ve ever watched SK, you know three things for sure. 1. Juliette is a hideous crier. 2. Canvas’ Mother has a complete lack of understanding when it comes to parenting. 3. Kelsey and Juliette do NOT get along. UNTIL NOW! It’s very exciting to see their first scene as not only friends – but also roomies! Even though Kelsey’s bizarrely shaped eyebrows, over plumped fake lips and orange spray tan make me feel like she must have NO real friends, because certainly, they wouldn’t let her butcher her appearance so thoroughly, she and Juliette seem to get along swimmingly by talking mad shit about Chloe. We love to see women supporting women by talking shit about other women.

Chloe, you minx! Chloe pulls up to Alex’s mansion in a Bentley toting about ten designer bags and a serious attitude. After she explains to his mother that she’s taken it upon herself to pickuppe some “luxury” clothing items for Alex in Sarasota, Florida, even though he’s quite literally in EUROPE, she also *subtly!* drops that he’s left behind his personal credit card for her own use. Weird brag, but more importantly: cha-ching! After talking shit about Juliette to a grown woman, they switch the conversation to Madisson’s new man. Queue Malibu by Miley Cyrus. Ma-jor props to whoever created the playlist for this epi.

After a stunning underwater montage from Florida to Cali, we see aspiring model/actress Maddison walking into a dinner date. Even though Chloe’s just gabbed to Alex’s mother that Braddison is no more, I still half expect BG to pop up and hold the door open for Madi. Just kidding, I don’t, because the producers of this show spilled quite literally every twist before it aired. Wait, speaking of producers – who is Madisson on a date with? Oh, it’s “ISH”, the FORTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD, BALD, AND OVERWEIGHT FORMER PRODUCER OF SIESTA KEY. Unlike Juliette’s father, Scott, I’ve met Madisson’s Dad before, so it’s not immediately apparent to me as to why she has serious Daddy issues. I’m hoping the root of this unfolds during the season. Ish, or “baby” as Madisson calls him, (again, he’s 46, so I’m not sure “baby” is the most fitting nickname, but to each her own) decides it will be totally normal to jet back to the key and surprise the children he used to exploit the cast with the announcement of his new relationship. I can’t wait.

Okay, we’re back at a dinner date – but a much more age-appropriate one between Juliette and her new man, former bachelorette contestant, Robby. I’m not a bachelor franchise fan and unfortunately for Robby, I’m NOT a Robby fan either. He’s not hot and he’s not cool. That’s literally it. Discussing this further would be a waste. Oh, it’s worth noting that new roomies Chloe and Madisson also meetuppe during this time to discuss Madisson and Ish. (Mish, if you will. Some prefer Dadisson.) Thank you, Chloe, for reacting to the news in a very relatable way by chugging alcohol and hiding in your clothing.

Um, who is this hottie emerging from a PJ? It’s the fabulous Cara, with a new nose! Normally I love to hate her - she has that je ne sais quoi – but right now, I just love her. Removing your nose job bandages on film is the kind of 2020 realness I need in my life. Enter G BABY! We’ve missed you and your utter lack of awareness, Garrett! But the love birds aren’t exactly happily reuniting – there’s def some tension in the air. Uh oh! Cara immediately becomes annoyed that Garrett both broke her heart AND kept his lips shut about her new nose. Poll – would you rather your boyfriend intentionally squeeze your fat as fuck thighs, or neglect to comment on your surgically enhanced face? The choice is yours.

While Juliette’s graduation party is great, if Alex doesn’t throw a start-of-the-summer rager, I’m suing MTV. More specifically, I’m suing YOU, Gary. Anyways, as Juliette and de ghurls are getting ready for the party, Juliette’s asked who she likes boning more – Boring Robby or shrek Alex. She hesitates for a moment but then says Robby. I take that pregnant pause as a confirmation of what I’ve known all along – Alex is great in bed and that’s the only reason Juliette was obsessed with him. (Edit – this has been confirmed on her Instagram story.)

Cut to: Cara, G baby, and Cara’s new androgynous and likely lesbian friend, Victoria, getting drinks. I don’t know what’s more confusing – the fact that Cara claims Victoria is her best friend or the fact that Garrett continues to piss Cara off by defending Kelsey while she incessantly brings her up.

Party time! But it wouldn’t be a party without Chloe intervening in something that has nothing to do with her in an attempt to destroy Juliette’s happiness. While wearing a Kentucky derby inspired hat/headband, nonetheless! Chloe and Amanda sit down with Boring Robby the second he arrives to grill him with some genual questions about his “intentions” with Juliette. And I can’t help but immediately think of that scene in Twilight when Police Chief Charlie Swan pulls out his shotgunné to intimidate his daughter’s 108-year-old vampire soul mate. Thank you, Catherine Hardwicke/ Stephanie Meyers, for this image.

At this point, I have to question Chloe’s sexuality because I can’t think of a single other reason as to why she would be so invested in Juliette’s relaysh with Robby. Is he a “phony”, simply using Juliette for fame? Maybe! But aren’t they all kind of doing that anyway? It’s like, they’re on a reality show for God’s sake. After Boring Robby says absolutely nothing of interest, (read: BORING Robby,) something actually exciting happens. Kelsey slithers over to publicly flirt with G baby in an attempt to piss off Cara, and it totally WORKS! Nice!

The second Cara sees Kelsey and G baby talking, her eyes fill with fire and she almost burns her new nose off. It’s funny that she portrays herself as such a sophisticated, cosmopolitan gal, yet she’s so blatantly insecure about trashy Kelsey and Garrett, the braindead body of meat, talking about absolutely nothing. Stop slumming it and start dating Zaddies like Madisson!

After Garrett tells Kelsey that Cara has banned him from talking to her, Kelsey marches up to Cara, grabs her by the hand, and you just KNOW the rumors are true – World War III is HAPPENING! Kelsey and Cara immediately establish that they’re not each other’s “kind of person”, and then Kelsey tells Cara that she can’t wait for Cara’s “life to explode.” Cara fires back with the ULTIMATE diss, claiming that Kelsey doesn’t even have her GED! We find out this is, in fact, not true via Instagram, thanks to Kelsey’s iconic photo of none other than GARRETT holding her on her graduation day. Okay, high school level educated kween! Go off!

Pls note caption

Here’s the thing: I dislike Cara and Kelsey, both for entirely different reasons, but IMO, Kelsey won this round. Cara came off as insecure, psychotic, and just plain mean! Cara, a word of advice? Stop gallivanting around tacky Florida and return home to America’s Kingdom – New Jersey.

 Pay close attention everyone - we’re almost done and you’re about to witness reality show television HISTORY. And it is a BAG. OF. WEIRD. After Boring Robby buys Juliette a trip to Greece, Madisson and her new Dad man walk in, and EVERYONE IS SHOOK. Seriously. The cast is genuinely shocked. Please note their faces when Madisson and Ish waltz into Juliette’s grad party hand in hand. Arguably the most thrown off person of all, of course, is BG. He hastily confronts his former producer, and refers to Ish’s relationship with his ex as a “bag of weird.” Honestly, Brandon, I have to agree with you. And so does literally everyone else in the world.

After Brandon huffs, puffs, and exits, everyone gets over the initial shock of Madisson’s upsettingly old “boy”friend and the episode winds down. But there’s one twist. We learn via Chloe’s texts that Alex is on his way back from Europe. Probably wearing all the luxe clothes Chloe shipped him from Siesta Key. Because who trusts European clothes, am I right? Anyways, something tells me that Boring Robby doesn’t stand a chance once Alex touches down on the Key. But we’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

Fin

[deathtownusa]

Cornib Bleau Vine Sentence Starters (feel free to change proper nouns, pronouns, etc. to fit your needs)

“I like to roller skate and...throw up”

“I eat at olive garden every day and I die at olive garden every day.”

“I was born a baby and I’ll die a baby”

“I have a question. What’s the best wedding gift? A chia pet? No.”

“No one knew Steve Jobs like I did. I’m the only who knew that he could suck and fuck like a bad girl.”

“In middle school I tongue wrestled Keith Urban for a churro.”

“It’s so sad all the old people being murdered by God.”

“Got kicked out of church. I farted in an envelope and sent it to God”

“I’m not allowed in my house because my mom says I have stinky knees.”

“I get kicked out of Starbucks every day because I walk in and look at the barista and say good morning coffee bitch.”

 “I don’t have to brush my teeth every day!”

“If Elvis was still alive I’d make him take me to Panera. Make him pay for me.”

“My doctor just found out he has cancer. Guess he’s not a very good doctor.”

“I think Godzilla is a beautiful man. I don’t care that he’s so big. I wanna take him to Red Robin.”

“Just got the news. I’m going to Disney - to Walt Disney...’s grave. To mourn.”

“I eat my teeth for breakfast every day.”

“I just got a girlfriend. Her name’s Titty Pussy.”

“I’m mad! My mom just threw out all my David Spade scented candles.”

“This is my impression of a whale: ‘I’ve been dead for so long.’ It’s a ghost whale.”

“This is my impression of Pitbull: ‘Please help me! I’m so bald!’“

“I pooped during my school picture.”

“Can dinosaurs get periods?”

“I got blacklisted from Dave and Busters ‘cause I molested myself in laser tag.”

“I had a panic attack at the Apple store.”

“I’ll give you a jalapeno so spicy the mushroom will pop off your dick and run circles around you.”

“Please download my new app it’s called ‘Mom’. It raises you from birth.”

“Always remember to achieve your dreams...by 7 p.m. Thanks.”

“Look at my little feet! But please stop asking to see my legs. My legs are for family only.”

“I’m in a committed relationship with a ghost. His name’s Brad. We met at Panera.”

“I have a request for a show. I want to see the episode where Drake milks Josh.”

“My sister just had a baby boy. She let me name it. I named it Fuck Truck Lesbian.”

“I’m mad! I just got kicked out of Men’s Warehouse because I peed in my own shoes.”

“What’s a guy gotta do to get his cock hobbled and gobbled by a bus full of church elves?”

“Do not text message Garfield the cat! He’s racist as shit!”

“Please download my new app it’s called ‘Rachel. Please come home your parents are worried.’“

“I just found out I have heart worm.”

“I came up with a riddle: Jack and Jill went up the hill and fucked and fucked and fucked and fucked.”

“I’m looking for a thick girl wearing Heelys to come over and sneeze in my mouth.”

“Knock knock. Who’s there? No one, it’s just a joke. It’s just a joke!”

“I hate Taylor Swift ‘cause she stays out too late! Stays out too late.”

“I hope you fall down a flight of steps and bust your reptile face Adrian Brody, you fucking iguana!”

“I’m lookin’ for a busty old bitch to slap me around. Make me snort like a hog.”

“What’s a guy gotta do to get his cock hobbled and gobbled by a trolley bus full of church elves? Huh?”

“Always remember it’s better to have loved and lost than to have accidentally outed your gay nephew on Reddit.”

“I said I can’t come to your party, Alan ‘cause my sister’s a goat and I have to milk her every single minute.”

“I have a riddle: What’s red?...Blood.”

“I’m looking for a cool dog who can buy me alcohol.”

“My neighbor Casey died. I’m throwing a dance party in his house. No cops!”

“This is my impression of God. ‘Ooh your son made varsity? My son died - for everyone.’“

“How come there’s always a bird in Home Depot?”

“I have a riddle: How do you get pennies out of your stomach? Well, it’s not a riddle - I need advice. How do you get pennies out of your stomach?”

“People are telling me I’m never gonna find true love, but guess what? I’ve been fuckin’ Shrek! So I don’t wanna hear it!”

“Please strangle me on a sailboat.”

“I got kicked out of a restaurant. They said it was because I elbowed a baby, but I just think they’re sick and tired of me and my farty ass.”

“This is my impression of John Stamos: ‘Watch the - watch my hair, please.’“

“I’m lookin’ for a new baby sitter and not some lame ass Safety Town fucker. I’m talkin’ someone who’s not afraid to jerk my dick on a Segway without a helmet.

“Guess what? My best friend’s a judge and guess what? He just invited me to jail.”

“Please hire me to do tricks. I’ll make you money. I’m working on a trick called cock splash!”

“Serious inquiries only: I’m lookin’ for an abandoned barn where I can find a musty busty bitch to slobber and gaggle over my pork knob.”

“This is urgent! Please donate to my Go Fund Me. I’m trying to get Ryan Seacrest to swallow his own load.”

“True Life: I’m allergic to my own goddamned dick.”

“True Life: I have 10 sons and they all smell like sex.”

“Hello! ‘Bout to watch American Idol. Please no spoilers! I’m only on season 2. Thanks.”

“Uh, bad day! Not one person on the bus highfived me for catching my throw up in my hand.”

“If I was your man I’d lay spread eagle on your hover board waiting for you to get home so I can pop, lock, and cock ya.”