#have someone respond immediately with something that doesnt address my words

[alex-gfd]

It's bound to be tired more often than mad unless you're me. A lot of people just. Don't like me. I feel like people see me in real life and see me try to talk while they're talking bc I don't know how to respond and how long to wait until after someone stops talking. So I sound like I either have nothing to say or I'm interrupting. Or if i did something weird that "normal people" don't do and just didn't realize it. People are always saying I have a bad attitude or are making people mad by my facial expression or tone of my voice when I'm trying to make it look neutral. It's like everything is set up to make people get mad at me even when I try so damn hard to do the exact opposite. -🦞

so heres the advice I got:

If those awful things people are saying about are coming from your family, discard those words immediately cause those people DO NOT have your best interests at heart, or if they do they have extremely shitty and unhelpful ways of showing it. If strangers are saying those awful things about you, discard those words immediately because they dont know you at all and you owe them nothing, not even a smile.

Ive got RBF too, or as its clinically known a flat affect. I try to lighten my face up a little when im directly addressing strangers or anyone in general really, but if youre just walking around dont even worry about it. It really doesnt change your day or anyone else's day at all if you look a little mean. Also, it probably isnt as bad as you think. No one in the world has enough RBF that it actually makes other people mad at them while the person with RBF is simply existing.

[autisticstarseed]

i need ppl to understand when i say i cant be ignored i dont mean like ‘haha try to do it the least amount as possible!’ i mean that last night i had a dream my abuser was ignoring me and then my family ignored me when i told them what was happening and it put me into 1000% Hysterics like Screaming and sobbing so hard and loud that at one point i became lucid in the dream and thought ‘i hope im not screaming like this in real life’ it was such a visceral breakdown idk if ive ever been so upset in my life even if it wasnt real

[peachiikawa]

Fly | Route Selected: O. Tooru

genre: mafia au, choose your own adventure

warnings: honestly nothing too bad in this route

word count: 3.1k

Fly Masterlist

“I choose--”

But before you could even finish your sentence, the front door opened and an arm draped around your shoulders

“They’ll be with me”

You looked to see who had just walked in and were stunned to see such a beautiful man

“Very funny oikawa, now let them go. This is a personal matter”

Daichi took a step forward and you could feel the tension in the air

But the silence was broken with a chuckle from oikawa

“Dont worry so much daichi. They arent just a threat to you theyre a threat to the entire community so to make your burden easier ill gladly take them in. you have better things to worry about anyways”

The smile on his face was far from a friendly one

Even you could tell it was a bit condescending and it made you a bit scared

He led you out the door but not before turning his head one last time

“Tell your old man seijou gives their regards”

With that he led you to his car and got you buckled in

“Now where do you live..?”

“My name is y/n and i live down the street and around the block”

He drove you home and made sure you got into your apartment

“Come in tomorrow whenever youd like, preferable before noon though. Heres my card if you have any questions. Goodnight y/n!”

He kept the conversation brief and didnt look back as he left

As soon as you closed the door you leaned against it and slid down onto the ground

Just what had you gotten yourself into?

You couldnt really sleep that night knowing that in the morning you were going to be working with the mafia

So you took an early shower and got to the address on the card oikawa gave you the night before around eight o’clock

You took a nervous breath before walking into the gigantic corporate building

‘Seijoh Industries’

The company had a long reputation of being in the modeling and fashion industry

It scared you to think that so many big companies were involved in who knows what else

You pushed the glass doors open and immediately got lost

Like how do you even navigate the inside of this building???

It wasnt long before you got stopped

...by some guy with blonde hair with lines in them

Was he trying to look like a tennis ball??

As he steps toward you you take one back until youre against a wall

“What the fuck are you doing here? Youd better leave. Now”

You feel like your stomach is about to drop before you hear that all too familiar voice

“Maddog what are you doing to y/n! Its their first day you shouldnt be so mean”

Oikawa grabbed your hand and led you down the hall to a pristine office

He sat down behind his desk and organized a few papers for you

“Youre here bright and early. I was half expecting you to just not show up”

His eyes glanced up from the papers in his hands for a brief moment

“But im glad you did it would have been a..hassle to find you”

The way that sentence came out of his mouth with that smile on his face sent a shiver down your back

He handed you a few papers and a list of tasks to do

Most of which consisted of you running errands and organizing some cabinets around the building

“Finish those and if you get done with that before the end of the day you can do whatever. Just dont poke your nose where it doesnt belong”

The smile on his face never left once your entire conversation and it left you with a weird feeling in your gut

As you turned to leave you just couldnt shake the weird feeling you got every time you saw it

But you went on your way, trying not to think about it too hard

You did each task with ease and you really thought that some of them were a bit unnecessary since most of the things on the list were already done

It was almost therapeutic doing normal things, it at least made you feel less nervous

It didnt take you long before you finished your tasks

“Hey you”

You jumped at the sound of someone’s voice and slowly turned towards a man with short and spiky brown hair

He held out a couple of papers to you

“I need you to make a few copies of these and then bring them to trashykawa”

Your eyebrows furrowed and he noticed your confusion

“I mean Oikawa. Sorry, force of habit. Im Iwaizumi by the way. I work over in communications''

You fumbled with the papers in your hands, trying to get a grip before he noticed how nervous you were

His sharp eyes were fixed on you which made you even more self-conscious 

You let out a shaky breath before introducing yourself

“Im y/n. Its my first day working here”

He nodded his head

“Yeah well just lay low if you want to survive this mess. Ill see you later y/n.”

A few weeks go by and it seems to be the same thing filling your days

This place wasnt as scary as you first thought and everyone seemed nice enough

The beeping from the copy machine brought you back to reality from your daydream and headed back to oikawas office

Though you had been here for almost a month now, it never got easier to be around him

Something was just too off putting about him

You took a deep breathe before knocking on the door to which you got a muffled “come in”

He didnt look up as you set the papers on his desk and only looked back up at you when he didnt hear your leave

He took off the glasses he was wearing and set them down in front of him

“Can i help you with something?”

Again, that smile on his face just...didnt feel right

“I was done with my work, is there anything else I can do for you?”

He just shook his head

“That should be it for me! Why dont you go see if iwa needs anything?”

You could tell that he wanted nothing more than to have just a moment to himself

And the constant flow of people probably didnt help

“This might be bold of me to say but that smile you wear around people...you dont need to put up any false pretenses around me. I know my situation and I know it isnt all sunshine and rainbows so feel free to be yourself around me. So one last time, before I go, do you need anything?”

His eyes were wide at what you just said

You had only been here for what? A few weeks? With minimal contact as well

So how did you notice?

The only other person whos ever called him out on it was iwaizumi

And he hated being read like this but he kept that smile up

“Nope im fine”

You nodded and left, closing the door behind you

And as soon as you did he threw his pen down on his desk and held his head in his hands

How...how did you see through him

He had carefully made this mask of his so that no one would be able to see how he was feeling

Emotions were a weakness

He didnt need them

And he sure as hell didnt need you

The next week he made it his mission to completely ice you out

No contact at all

And it made you kind of frustrated

The man steals you away from the other mafia you almost became affiliated with and just throws you to the side?

So you went to him after him doing whatever he could to make sure he avoided you

The man literally had tennis-head outside of his office to scare you away

“What are you doing”

The sudden voice behind you almost made you scream

“Oh iwaizumi! Dont scare me like that!”

You smacked his shoulder as you two hid around the corner from oikawas office

“If you must know im trying to get into oikawas office. I'm sick of his avoiding me like im the plague”

Iwaizumi let out a deep sigh

He knew why oikawa was avoiding you

And he also thought it was a little much

Wasnt it about time he stopped being scared?

“Tell you what y/n, ill distract kenta and while i do you can sneak into oikawas office”

Your eyes sparkled and he almost wanted to laugh

“Really?!” 

He nodded and patted your head

“Get that idiot out of his funk”

He then walked up to kenta and walked off with him, giving you a thumbs up behind his back

And when they were out of sight you knocked on oikawas door and didnt wait for him to respond before barging in

To say he was shocked was an understatement

“What are you-”

“Stop. Before you go on about how youre busy just please listen to me. I dont know what i did to deserve this amount of avoidance but if its about what i said that day, i dont regret what i said. And i wish you would stop avoiding your problems and just confront them”

Confront his problems?

What the hell do you know about his problems

“So you came in here to tell me that? What the fuck do you know about me? Youre just some street rat that poked their nose where it didnt belong. You dont know me so stop trying to tell me what to fucking do! Emotions make you weak and i dont need that”

At this point he had you backed against a wall

And when he realized what just happened he pushed himself away from you

God what the hell was he even doing

Hes spent years perfecting his facade

And then you come barging in and it just breaks?

You slowly approached him and put a hand on his shoulder

“See? Was that so bad? Honestly, seeing you like that was refreshing. Feel free to keep the mindset that emotions make you weak, i wont try to convince you otherwise. Thats a realization you need to make on your own but for now please dont hold back around me”

For the first time in a while oikawas heart stood still, almost as if he could feel himself again

“Whatever. I still have paperwork to do so leave or make yourself useful”

He shrugged your hand off of him and went back to his desk

You just smiled and nodded your head

“Ill be back with a coffee for you!”

And when you exited you bumped into the back of kentarou

“Ah sorry! Ill be back!”

As you ran off kenta took a step toward you

“What the hell..get back here!”

But before he could take another oikawa cleared his throat

“You can leave your post mad-dog. Youre no longer needed here”

Kenta nodded his head but was too shocked to move for a moment, caught off guard by the small smile that lingered on his boss’ face

The couple weeks after that you were allowed back in his office and he even started to request your presence at times for no other reason than he just wanted you to sit in the room with him

And that smile he used to give you was now replaced by a soft, genuine smile that made your heart flutter

Little things started to become more noticeable to you

Like how cute it was when he pouted his lips when he was really focused

And honestly he was too

Your smile was maddening

And your laugh made him feel like he was being swallowed whole, unable to breath

It scared him

Nothing good has ever happened when he became emotionally attached to someone

“Oikawa, are you okay?”

You put your hand up to his forehead and checked for a fever

He could feel his cheeks heating up and gently swatted your hand away

“No im fine. Dont worry about me”

He watched your face fill with concern and his heart lurched forward

This feeling...it scared him. But for now, if its you, hes willing to see where this goes

“Good morning oikawa!”

You walked into his office with his morning coffee which he gladly took from your hands

“Good morning y/n”

He had a job later and needed all the energy he could get

But not before having his morning conversation with you

“I'm leaving around noon with maki and mattsun. Iwa’s in charge till i get back so if you need anything ask him”

You could tell by the way he was talking that it was something serious and therefore probably something to do with the mafia

Sure you had done a few things for Seijoh like fax some papers and have oikawa sign a few things but nothing to where oikawa needed to leave has ever come up

He could see anxiety cloud over your face

“Hey”

He grabbed your hand and gave it a small squeeze

“I’ll be fine. You have nothing to worry about, okay?”

You nodded your head

“Please be safe”

Worry reflected in your eyes and it made him almost go weak

All he could do was nod and give a half smile

The entire time he was away you sat at his desk anxiously waiting for his return

...

“Cough up the money oikawa. We had a deal”

Oikawa looked at the man in front of him with his trademark empty smile

“That wasnt our deal. Now give us what you owe”

The room was tense but nothing that oikawa hasnt dealed with before

But his world soon turned upside down with what was thrown on the table that stood between them next

The color drained from his face as he looked at pictures taken of you without anyone knowing

“Where the hell did you get these”

The man in front of him just laughed

“Now thats an interesting expression oikawa. Never thought id see the day where that smile of yours wasnt on your face”

His knuckles were turning white from how hard he was clenching his fists

“You know, it would almost be a shame if something were to happen to them”

Oikawas eyes widened in fear

It felt as if time around him had stopped for this one moment

And it made him want to puke

“Dont you dare lay a hand on them”

His jaw was so tense that he thought he was about to pop a blood vessel

“Then give us the money”

He wasnt left with much of a choice

So he did what he was told

“See? Was that so hard?”

“Are we done here?”

He was itching to get back as soon as possible

To make sure you were okay

He couldnt rest until he knew you were fine

“Yes now leave”

The car ride seemed to last forever, maki and mattsun had never seen their boss like this and exchanged subtle glances the entire ride

As soon as the car stopped he ran into the building and to your desk

And when he saw you werent there his heart dropped

‘Where are you, y/n?!’

The only other place you could be was his office

He slammed his door open only to see you jump up from his desk, the sleep in your eyes still evident

He let out the breath he didnt even know he was holding as soon as his eyes landed on you

He went straight over to you and pulled you into his arms

The tightness of the hold around you was comforting yet alarming

You brought your arms up to wrap around him and you swear you could feel him slightly shaking

“Oikawa?”

You voice was soft and made him feel weak in the knees

“Just…let me stay like this for a moment”

After that day you were moved into his home and he never left your side

He never fully explained what happened that day

But you knew it had shaken him

Especially since you havent seen his smile since then

You were escorted everywhere

And when you asked why you were only given the short answer of “i said i’d guard you so i'm doing that”

You didnt mind being with him, really

If anything you liked being able to be with him all the time

You just hoped you werent being a hindrance

So one night as you laid in bed while oikawa sat on the ground next to you leaning against the bed frame, you turned towards him

He had been doing this lately to “guard” you and you knew he wasnt sleeping much

“Oikawa”

His eyes immediately met yours

“Am i being a burden on you?”

Though it was dark, he could hear the sadness in your voice

“I just feel like ive been holding you back lately and thats the last thing i want to do”

He cupped your face with his hand and gently stroked your cheek

“Not to mention that you havent smiled once since coming back that day and it just all feels very distant and lonesome. I hope you know that you can talk to me, i’ll never judge you for anything”

And in those few simple words the gate that had been holding back all of his emotions back suddenly broke

“y/n im scared”

His head hung low as his lips trembled

“Im scared to lose you and im scared that ive become weak since being with you but i just cant let you go. Losing you makes me feel more terrified than anything else”

The thought of losing you made it feel as if he was drowning and the water was filling his lungs with a burning sensation

You sat up in your bed and took his hand in yours

“Then why dont you turn that fear into strength? Hiding me...putting me under 24 hour surveillance...its no different than running. I dont want to be away from you either oikawa”

How did you always clear his head? It was like your words just made everything make sense

He made his way onto your bed and started to kiss you, soft yet hungry for more

He could never get enough of you

You made his heart full

And you became his strength

You made him strong and he could never forget this debt

taglist:  @the-ironic-me @multisun @my-mass-hysteria @sugawsites @youbloodylegendyoudidit @sinthxy @celamoon​ @tinymouth @fait-de-fleurs @tsukifanbase​ @69owo​ @laglyssage @hearteyeskags​ @ntngann​ @shnnn​ @fukuro-dani-ace​​ @exponentially-tired​​ @soy1melk​

[babysprouseisart]

Honestly more things are pointing to a permanent separation for SH. No indications of any reconciliation sadly. And it makes it even harder without the confirmation. I guess when they start to get papped with their new SOs will be the day that it is confirmed they are done. And I hope it is soon. This push and pull with them is exhausting

Good day, anon, and welcome to hell. Screams for help will not save you, alas, because when it comes to a topic in which I am 99, 9% sure, I have no equals. I'm sorry you probably got the wrong address, but it's too late. I am merciless and bloodthirsty with anyone who tries to contradict my faith, tries to correct my point of view and convince me of their own, although I did not give it a reason. Because it's my fucking blog where I for x-billionth time has already expressed my exact points and agreed with some people which think and proved the exact opposite to all that you are saying. So be prepared to be slowly but surely tortured by my long ass post.

 So, let's start with what I said about my blog: only good vibes here. I am not interested/concerned about other opposite/negative feedings. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. Here, in my blog, we support Lili Pauline Reinhart and Cole Mitchell Sprouse in any case as couple as well as individuals.

 This means that under no circumstances do we talk about them, their relationships, their projects, their family, or their decisions in a negative way. Yes, we may disagree with something they do, where they do it, and how they do it (what they post, what they like/don't like, write or repost, who they meet, with whom they decide to be, live and communicate with, what they archive/unarchive, and so on), but we do not have the right to judge them or decide how to act. We also can't control it and it's none of our business.

 I repent if I once made the appearance of a person condemning one of them or their family for their actions and possible causes of the separation, it was only my objective external disagreement, points and thoughts aloud, nothing more rude, involved and inappropriate. And I think with many of my words said earlier (or the words of those I follow and reblog their posts) about the behavior of family/friends of Lili, Cole, and so on, people with brains and common sense could agree. Remember this, or write it on your forehead, so that the next time you write to me, you will see these words.

 Moving on, taking into account all of the above, I would like to tell you that it probably won't be enough for one blog to explain to you point by point all my beliefs and points of view on this subject, to prove to you that every fucking word you say is illogical shit and the most real nonsense. It feels like you're an alien who fell from another planet and decided to crawl into our hole with your impressions of a newborn baby who doesn't understand much about the world and its creators. Although in this case, I'm more of the opinion that you are a little asshole, in which the vein of hatred is boiling and you like to come to this and some other blogs to tell us your agenda although we have no idea where you have such rash thoughts, perhaps you have an extra chromosome? Dude, treat your paranoia.

 Further, given that I don't have much time and desire to describe all my points of view point by point, which, unlike your random set of words, really makes sense for hundreds or even thousands of people who have the gray matter to be able to think, I will attach my long - standing post, indicating all the facts at that time proving the opposite to yours. Although, I will try to supplement everything else as much as I can.

 While, we all ( I hope) already realized and accepted that for many reasons, during this quarantine, Lili and Cole had some problems, were distant and ended up apart for a certain period of time, immediately after the end point of the explosion and informing us of all these public actions on social media (I hope you understand), then after a few weeks, they were already confidently moving towards resolution and recovery and that's why:

https://babysprousehart.tumblr.com/post/618026656780648448/hello-i-hope-this-doesnt-come-off-negatively

This was written long before, but still has many valid points and I just want to widen some of them.

Take a sit and follow me word by word.

I shall start my addition of evidence, based on all the guesses and great opinions of others, as well as hints from the Lili and Cole themselves. I would like to start with a significant event and the day when Lili posted a photo from the Antelope Valley on April 28th, well, or 27th, depending on where you are.

Perhaps we lose some missing pieces in this puzzle and forget about something that was done earlier, but I just want to start counting from this moment.

A few facts about this photo/photos:

1) It was posted exactly 3 years later from their famous photoshoot, when very, very, very many people, mostly in media, began to suspect that there is something between them in a romantic way. It was exactly in the same place, exactly with the same style, exactly in a similar image (waving curly hair, light flying dress, black and white effect) and even without a capture. The picture marked the anniversary and is very important for the two of them. An undeniable fact, beat me.

2) That photo was definitely taken by Cole. Why?

Here are a couple more facts in addition to the first:

They have the quality of captured on professional camera.

You can see, that Lili did not tag the photographer and said jokingly that the photo was taken by Milo, why would she lie, or hide that it was anyone else, because clearly she just hid that because it was Cole.

You may have noticed that Austin, when asked who took the photo, whether she took it and whether she is a good photographer, says no and her reaction with a grin and laugh is priceless. She also didn't tag nor the photographer, neither Lili in her photos from there.

You can watch the vlog in the Colleen blog and see there are very similar figures to Cole, Lili and Milo walking along the valley, because, duh, they were there.

You can view her post, where you can see Cole from the back (notice his dark clothing, the same as on one of his post in the profile, which he has already deleted, as well as his position from which the photo of Lili was supposedly taken and it is just in the same place).

You can observe his style of photography and how similar the theme is to the photos from 2017.

You can see the same poppy behind his ear in one of the past stories.

You may have noticed that the photo of Lili is processed with the same effect as several photos in Cole's profile, and I can tell you as an amateur photo editor that it is very identical.

Question: why arrange such a significant photoshoot with your ex after a few weeks of separation? Why is Cole smiling in a photo (black and white one with a mustache and black clothes) probably taken there? Why is everything so secretive if they broke up? Why even post a photo that your ex-boyfriend definitely took? How can you calmly go to this place, which reminds you of your joint travels with your former lover? Therefore, this photo and later another one from there were the first iron arguments in confirming the improvement of things.

 I would like to continue with another ironclad proof.

Lili in early may very fiercely, after a few weeks of Cole's statements about slander and threats, which she did not respond to so clearly at the time, defended Cole and pointed out the private relationship and literally said that people should stop it and even though should hurt and bully her, but not him.

Question: did she defend her ex so publicly? Would Lili talk about a private relationship if that was the way her past relationship was most often? Would she have written anything at all if she didn't care about him and didn't feel something towards him? I don't think so, so it's gibberish to say so (about the break up) when it's the second unquestionable argument.

 Next, we need to talk about the general activity of Cole and Lili in social media. I just want to list some observations, in different order, but it seems like everything we have now:

If earlier it was visible in the posts of Lili that it was clearly a show off, then over time and after the published photos, she began to behave more sincerely and tenderly, began to publish Milo less, began to say that there was only the two of them less, has stopped showing how good she is without certain someone, as if for Cole showing that she could cope without him, which was visible in the posts and stories, she began to talk more about improving her mental health as a result of training, spoke about how later she was feeling better and that she was grateful for those who were with her and difficult times and in light moments, that you just need to live and enjoy.

Additionally, I can say how she shone with each photo, and it was a natural glow of happiness and settling down. She no longer sang sad songs or posted sad songs, on the contrary, posted sexy, funny and relaxed ones. She appeared more in photos taken by paparazzi. She posted sexy, energetic, romantic movies, funny cartoons, watched funny clips, was excited about her project, laughed, danced with her dog, played with a dog with macaroni, cosplayed Willy Wonka (we all have a feeling it’s Cole’s thing, no?), playing with sand, puzzles, posted funny memes in story, which unfortunately coolly accepted as the opposite, posted a poem with a typo and funny answered to a fan who corrected it, told more about poems and attached a photo with a fragment of a poem about love from her upcoming book. She liked some photos from the anniversary of the last episode of the series, where we remember there was a hot scene of her and Cole's character, she liked a Bughead drawing. Yesterday, she actually posted one of the sexiest videos that will not be posted, being single and lonely, we saw that she actually spent more personal time with Cole (I am not saying they weren’t doing t back then), which was investigated thanks to many amazing people here, and even if they don't live together yet, they are more likely to meet and have met with each other, and more hints on sexy times (because, come one, maybe Milo was the one who left a hickey on her neck, huh?), which is undeniable, just compare the fact that she is no longer in the old rental, and he is not in Kj's house, she then posted a photo from some place, which is very similar to where Cole shot a video with Jimmy Fallon.

 He also began to be more active in social networks, exactly after she started posting photos of the Antelope Valley, he posted a series of photos of the kissing couple, even if it was a gay drawings, they were filled with love, there was a photo of him with cattle with the sarcastic caption, then the photo about porn bots, with funny ask to leave him alone and saying it’s not allowed to be horny on quarantine, again a photo of himself with heart eyes that I talked about above, he posted a very funny video recently. There were more photos from the paparazzi after some time when Lili's usually flashed, and then it stopped, then his humorous photo in the washing machine appeared, which she probably had taken, and why so I explained in the attached post, he posted a photo from the walk, which was also probably taken with her, because again, she had a similar location, then he jokingly called Tommy ‘the’ muse, maybe roasting fans, but he didn’t use ‘my’, so, indicating he still has his own muse, then we saw him at that damn party, which caused people's panic, although he is an ordinary person and has the right to relax, and by the way at this party he was very happy and frisky, but nothing bad or shameful happened and he is innocent, then we even saw Cole, after Lili, delete many of the photos, although he had also unarchived some of them several times, as she had, which means that he did not delete them completely, but just removed many of them, leaving the most tender photo after or before the kiss at the famous moment when Lili wanted a toast and eggs at 1 am, or many photos reflecting her body, which also marks not a bad phenomenon, but a simple trolling from them. Proof of this trolling and unarchiving is on the vastness of other blogs and on Twitter, thanks to that girl's video.

 The way their condition and activity on social networks have changed is very noticeable and is also third undeniable fact of denial of the break up. You can compare photos of Cole taken by Alex, where he is clearly very sad and depressed, because it was taken somewhere in the interval of their real breakup. And compare this with his smiling and playful state during the interview with Jimmy, where he also sparkled with happiness and fun, constantly smiling and seemed to be aroused about something (or someone). I think even a newcomer will notice a change in their mood and attitude. You will see the difference. And this does not happen when going through the break up after 4 years of deeply imbued with love relationships. Please understand, damn it.

 I have listed alas not everything that speaks so vividly about things going in the right positive direction and is evidence that everything is getting better again, there will be only more I assure you and you will kiss my ass, as Cole said.

 Execution cannot be pardoned.

 You have one attempt to put a comma and decide your fate, but I think you’ll  fail because you are a total sucker anyway.

 Bye!

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch.4

I wanna be an intern too, you ragedy ann looking ass hoe 😠



Y/n pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

All goes well when you are ignorant is what my dear best friend would say to me now, as I sit in the very back of the class unfocused on how our teacher is introducing an activity I have no chance of participating in. All I knew was that when Mr. Aizawa walked up to the board and wrote names of people getting offers, I wasn't one of them. Not that I expected to be, considering I wasn't in the sports festival, let alone the school at all back then. 

However, I did notice a small inconsistency in the order of the most offers. I was pretty sure that boom boom had gotten first place in the festival, him being there is what convinced me to transfer, but his name was actually second on the board. 

Todoroki had taken the place of first as far as offers were concerned. Todoroki the nice boy who I used to meet when I snuck away from my fucking prison cell. Call me privileged for complaining about living in a mansion All my life, but I much prefer being here. With common folk. They ground me. 

I peeked up from my phone at the red and white head of hair in front of me, he didn't seem all that fazed. Although maybe it was just the lack of seeing his face that made me believe he couldn't care less about all but one of those offers. Still, his business is his, and my business is the new Ao3 update on my favorite chrollo lucilfer fanfiction. What a babe. 

I decided that the class as of right now would be of no importance to me, considering I will have no offers, and bakugou-the reason I came here- hates me like I'm a piece of gum stuck under his shoe.  Through that conclusion I allowed myself to dissolve into the world of hxh and forget about how boring this world is. 

Could my power beat Killua or go in a fight? I mean, it doesn't enhance my strength like they did trying to get into Killua's house so physically they must be stronger. 

"Y/n! Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

Mr.Aizawas voice seemed almost shot at me as my gaze rose from my phone in my lap to meet him at the front of the room. He looked displeased to say the least. Well good for him, im displeased too, I might not be able to beat a fucking twelve year old in combat. 

"Huh?"

"You were grumbling, what's so important you had to tell us, hm?"

I thought it through for a second- just kidding, I never think anything through. 

"Oh, well I wasn't sure if I could beat Gon in a fight, but I'm not coming to the realization that if Chrollo is my boyfriend, I shouldn't have to fight anyone at all. I can just be a pretty face in the backgrounds and then after he wins for me i'll suck his-"

"Enough, y/n." Mr.Aizawa no longer held a tired looking face, his eyes were wide and an uncomfortable cringed was set on his face. As I peered at the rest of the class many also had shocked eyes, but unlike our teacher, held faint blushes. 

Minus midoriya, his face was completely red and his eyes void of life. I must've killed him, huh. 

"Wait!"

In an attempt to regain some dignity, I tried to correct myself.

"I would....not suck his-?"

"Don't even say it, shitty princess !"

"Woah bakugou, you spoke to me on purpose!?"

"Shut up!"

"Hey, how come you call me princess, you like me or something?"

He growled at that, neither of us paying mind to the fact that everyone in the class was either dead from nosebleeds or extremely uncomfortable and staring at us.  

"Its cuz you act fucking entitled like a princess"

"I'll be your pillow princes-"

"Enough!" A robotic-like hand sliced the air in front of me. The voice sounded firm, almost more teacher-like than our teacher's voice. I followed my gaze up the hand, not failing to notice how as I drew up the guy's arm his muscles only seemed to get bigger and bigger and- iida? 

"Oh class rep-"

"Y/n this vulgar language and border-line harassment needs to cease immediately. I will not tolerante overtly sexual language and acts in this class-"

As he was speaking I noticed something ironic about the situation. If everyone here didn't like sexual jokes or banter, how were they so flustered at comments that objectively should be unknown to them. 

"How did you know what I meant, iida?" I rasped in a low sultry voice, allowing my fingers to dance up his arm starting at the wrist in front of my face. 

I heard a few chuckles from, who I would say are the only two people enjoying this situation: kaminari and...stinky mineta. Iida's face grew more red than previously and the arms in front of me began shaking. 

"Mr.Aizawa it seems I've disarmed the robot. Is there a restart button or something?" I question with a serious face using the search as an excuse to wonder my eyes all over his body. Perverted? Yes. Rightfully attracted to this giant hunk of a nerd. Yes ×10. 

"No, there is not." Todoroki, who was in front of me, finally turned around to address me. I guess he was unfazed by my words. Looks like someone here can be cool. Whether he is okay because he is more comfortable with sexual jokes, or because he has yet to pick up on them, its nice that somebody in here can still function. Otherwise, I'd feel like a nuisance. 

"Y/n I'm not really sure how to- let's just say to have detention with your m- midnight. Detention. Yeah." Aizawa publicly convinced himself of my punishment? 

"Okay"

"Now, back to this, even if you didn't get any offers ALL of you will have an internship" 

And so went on the class, kids chose their hero names, not me though. I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a hero at all, this was just a little less boring and sad than the way I lived before. This school had people who laughed in joy, not just to mask the pain. That was the real benefit, not being a hero, or being strong. Likely no one here realized that there were many places where none of this joy was possible. 

Some of the kids in class gave me suggestions for a hero name, but I didn't like them anyway. They lacked personality, and while I have many adjectives to describe my personality, my life, none of them are all that heroic. 

"Dark element"

"Girl who will die if her quirk doesnt like its environment" 

See, I'm not the best at this. Even bakugan names had some sense to it...well no. I'd say we're about the same, but still. Ugh. 

~timeskip~ 

Bakugou pov 😠

She came up with no hero names. Fucking entitled brat. Everyone at this lunch table seems to have no problem with the fact that she is here, just happy to have another pair of tits to stare at like perverts. Their gross. I bet she doesn't even want to be a hero, she sure as hell doesn't act like it. We don't even know what her whole quirk is. Ive seen her do that plant shit a couple times, fucking with flowers or whatever. Still, there's more to it. Something we don't know, at least. Cuz in the middle of class she gets up and whispers to Aizawa and he just lets her go. Where the fuck does she go? 

Interrupts class, got into the school because her moms a teacher, won't use her quirk. What a nuisance, I can't believe she is not expelled yet. Plus those bullshit sex jokes are so shitty. She is obviously faking something when she does them. Not like midnight, who always at least seems like she means that gross shit. 

"Hey, who did you guys choose for your internship? I haven't chosen yet."

"The number three hero guy," I spoke, knowing I'm the only person here who already chose. 

"Really? Best jeanist! That's so cool, but are you sure that for you bakugou?" Shitty hair raised a shitty brow at me. 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"Just that he seems pretty...uptight..for you?" Dunceface added, but he spoke like it was a question. Of course he is the hero for me, he is the highest ranting hero on my list. If I wanna be number one, I gotta train with the best. 

If I go to his agency I'm sure there will be a lot more action, since he is so high ranking. Then i'll get some real experience kicking villain ass, well, other than the USJ. 

"Of course he is the right option!"

"Woahhh~"

Shit. It's her voice. I honestly should applaud her for using it less often around me but, how can one small girl be so goddamn annoying. I don't even know what she has to say and I already wish she would just put a sock in it. How can someone so entitled like her, probably never had to lift a finger, walk  over here and talk like she has something to say. 

"You're working with the best jeanist! So cool, one time he saved me from a group of rapist guys, it was awesome with all these strings everywhere and I could only see half of his face. Oh and he had goofy hair too!"

Oh. I didn't really know how to respond to the girl who looked so excited about almost being violated. Another thing wrong with her? I looked back at the other people at the table to see if they knew how to respond to something like that. 

Dunceface was frozen, tape arms were frozen, shitty hair was frozen, and alíen eyes were looking like a lost puppy and trying not to cry. 

It didnt seem like the shutty princess was exactly understanding how what she just yelled was making things weird. She just stood there expectantly. She kinda looked like she thought being raped was something that must happen to everyone. Did she think that? Wouldn't put it past her weird ass. 

"Uhm...anyways, i'm sure you'll do awesome, he likes to put boys in tight jeans. Wish I could intern too, I'd love to see that boom boom~" she winked. 

A perverted joke...and then she had the audacity to wink at me. 

"You wish you could see me in tight jeans, shitty extra!"

"I know...thats what a I just said." She dead panned, blinking a couple times at me. 

"Tch, screw you!"

"I would-" 

"Can it, i don't wanna hear your shitty voice anymore"

The girl stopped herself after my words, pushing all her hair behind her head, except for the two blond stands in the front. 

(You don't have to acknowledge these if you don't want, but I made it so that they change color depending on what element your using and I thought it was hot*if you have short hair, then you just got a lil nishinoya type thing 🥰)

Lifted her obnoxious hands that moved around while she talked and made a zipper-like motion over her lips. Then she just stood there looking at me. I really wanted to just let her stand there and go back to eating. Ignore her completely and let her hope fizzle out and die or something like that. 

Yet here I am, still looking at her. Silently. Wishing she made a stupid joke so that I could stop flickering between those images I'd seen of her dancing. How even though ballet is a princess fucking dance, the pictures felt nice. Like if I was watching it live I would probably be unable to criticize it. That pissed me off, because I want to hate everything about her, but I can't hate those photos. Where she looks like she is flying, without any need for a quirk.

I see her in that weird gown, and now, in the UA uniform. I see her looking respectable, formal, and serious. Then I see her stupid little smirk as she takes pride in being able to shut up for more than a minute. 

"Why are you still standing there?"

Instead of answering, she took her hand up again, made a pinch with her fingers and unzipped her mouth. 

"I was enjoying the look in your eyes."she smiled. 

The look in my eyes? Could she tell I was seeing two different people? What the hell does that even mean? Even said it without that shitty flirt voice. Like she meant it. 

"You tryna make fun of me?"I stood up from the table to get in her face.

"Not right now, maybe later, I gotta do something." She smiled sincerely at me, for a second as she walked away, I forgot about how this conversation started. What a wierd fucking girl. I'll never respect her as a hero. Tch. (Yes, its canon he tchs even in his thoughts) 

3rd person POV 

Y/n briskly walked out of the cafeteria with a new goal in mind. She would come to remember how maybe being oblivious was a benefit in some ways, but for now, she had a clear plan .

"Mr.Aizawa, let me do an internship."

"You weren't in the festival, I can't just hand you to a hero who has no idea what you can do, y/n."

"Well, you know what I can do, right?"

"No. I'm not doing internships. Stop asking."

"That's not what I meant! You can just tell them, or I could, it's not that hard to explain. Just say i'm all- powerful or some play on words like 'she's got all the right elements' hehe, see how i mimicked your voice there?" Y/n grinned like a child. She was proud of herself. 

"No. Still not happening."

"I wanna be an intern too, you raggedy ann looking ass hoe" 

"Y/n, it doesn't make sense, insulting me to get what you want?"

"Maybe it doesn't, but I bet you feel real insecure about your hair right now."

"You already have detention, what more do you want!"

"An internship, I wanna do one with kamui Woods, I have a good reason, too. As far as my quirk control, i'm the weakest with earth, the aspect that allows me to grow and manipulate plants and stuff. That's why I've only been using that part of it all month. Im trying to get her up to speed so I can start using all four at once. He is like a tres guy, right? He manipulates earth all day long. He could teach me a lot, and that aspect of my quirk would suit his well. Please!?!?!?"

If the girl had just asked again in a normal way, his answer would have been the same. However Aizawa was taken aback to hear how much thought she put into this. From the stories of the teachers lounge, he came to understand her big life goal, was to rely fully on a rich man or woman, and do nothing at all forever. Just to try and forget about the terrible life she was destined to have because of that quirk.

This side of her was something he could not even her mother had seen, and it prompted him to speak those words she wanted to hear so badly.

"Fine." 

[prettyguardiankore-blog]

Love in Literacy, Chapter 3

in this chapter, the reader works up the courage to offer levi reading lessons:)

It had been three full days since the incident with Levi. You hadn’t seen him at all since then, either. Every now and then, Isabel and Furlan would come into the library. Their first expedition was in less than a week, so Shadis had them training their asses off. Because of this, they usually didn’t have much time on their hands, but it was just enough to say hi briefly. When you inquired about Levi, they responded saying that he was strangely adamant on not coming with them.  Figures. You didn’t do anything wrong...at least, that’s what you kept repeating to yourself in your head. Perhaps you could’ve been more tactful in your approach...but was this strong of a reaction really necessary? You couldn’t drive away the gnawing feeling of guilt in your stomach these past few days. You wanted to apologize, but at the same time, you didn’t want him to think you pitied him. Something told you that that would only damage his pride further. So how did you make this right without apologizing? You let out a sigh. People sure are difficult to deal with sometimes. 

"Hey !" Hange called.

You snapped back into your surroundings. You were sitting in the dining hall across from Hange and Moblit. It was a little late, so there were only a few other groups still in the dining hall. The smell of broth filled the air. You turned back to Hange.

"Sorry, I suppose I got lost in thought." You said as you turned your focus back to their lips.

"Oh? What about?"  They asked, keenly.

"I'm afraid I can't say." You responded monotonously, as you began taking a large bite from your bread.

"Are you oka-" Moblit began, but Hange quickly interrupted. 

"Oh come on now! When you say that it makes me even more curious!" They said, leaning in closer to you, eyes brimming with excitement.

"Come on Hange, if she doesnt wanna say..."

"Please!"

You groaned. You knew Hange wouldn't let up, and you didn't feel like lying, so you settled on telling them a very vague interpretation of the events a few days ago. You shifted in your seat uncomfortably. 

"W-well, say that you accidently learned something about someone that they didn't want anyone else to know…" You started, slowly. "And their pride was hurt, and now they're avoiding you, so you can’t apologize… but even if you did, you think that would only bruise their ego further."

"Who is this about?" They pressed.

"That's all I'll say and that's final." You replied, and Hange let out a moan of disappointment. 

"Then it's hard to help you out here!" You cocked an eyebrow. 

"I don't recall asking for help."

"You might as well have!"

"You sure are persistent."

"It's why so many people find me charming."

You and Moblit erupted into a fit of laughter. You two knew that you were the only ones who could handle them. Hange gave you both confused looks at your sudden outbursts. After you settled down, Moblit turned to look at you.

"I know you said you weren't asking for advice, but would you like to hear what I think?" he offered.

You chewed your lip, considering it for a moment. You let out a small exhale. Moblit was a sensible enough person, probably the most sensible amongst the three of you.

"Sure, why not?"

"Well, I don't think you really need to apologize, because their pride isn't your fault..." he stopped, choosing his next words carefully, "...but if you really still feel guilty, maybe you could address the problem at its root, instead of apologizing." 

"Elaborate?"

"I don't know what you found out about this person, but is it something you can help them with?" he inquired, with a small shrug.

You went quiet, staring into your bowl of broth. Light steam trailed up from it, fogging your glasses slightly. Teach him how to read? Would he even let me? You chewed your lip again. For some reason, you found yourself wanting to help him, despite the fact that he was a total prick. You looked up to smile at Moblit.

"I'll think about it. Thank you Moblit, that was actually quite insightful."

He smiled back and nodded. You shot up from your seat on the dining hall bench.

"A-actually...I think I'm going to go deal with this right now before I lose my train of thought and end up chickening out." You said, steadily, your words surprising even you.

“Oh? What’s with this sudden boldness?” Hange asked eagerly, reentering the conversation.

“This shit has been annoying me these last few days, I need to get it off my chest. So...why not do it now while the thought is still fresh in my brain?”

Hange grinned up at you.

“Promise to tell me all about it later?” They said in a sickeningly sweet voice. You rolled your eyes.

“I'll see you two later.” You called, as you began to briskly walk away from them, giving them a small wave.

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You had acted like tough shit in front of Hange in Moblit, but now that you were standing outside of Levi's cabin, you felt like you could hurl. The walk to the barracks had been shorter than you anticipated. All of the sudden, here you were, standing in front of the flimsy wooden door. You rubbed your temples. There were three things that could happen upon you entering the room. Firstly, he could simply refuse to speak to you. That wouldn’t be too bad. Secondly, he could curse at you, and demand that you get the fuck out of his room immediately. Lastly, he could happily hear you out, and love everything about your offer, because he thought you were a lovely and respectable young woman.

...

Or, alternatively, he might not even be in there. You stared at the doorknob. You’re already here, there's no point in backing out of it now. You took a deep breath while you quickly went through your pitch in your head, muttering to yourself quietly. You gave your cheeks a hard pinch before you firmly grabbed the door handle and pushed it open. 

You pushed the door open to see Levi and Furlan sitting on one of the beds together, you had heard them talking while you were preparing yourself outside their door, but now the conversation had died out, and their eyes turned to you. The already small room felt even smaller with their eyes on you. You swallowed quietly, before offering them each an awkward smile, and beginning.

“Good morning you two, I was wondering if I could speak to Levi for a moment,” you said, somewhat robotically. Furlan cocked his head in surprise.

“Oh? What abou-” Before Furlan could even begin to get his question out, Levi had quickly gotten up from his position on the bed and was swiftly headed towards the door. Right before he passed you he said something quietly.

“Outside, now.”

You flinched as he shut the door behind you. You shot an apologetic smile at a very confused-looking Furlan and hurriedly turned around to follow him out the door. Levi was waiting outside, arms crossed. You opened your mouth to speak, but before you could, he began talking.

“If you’re here to apologize, I don’t need to hear it. The best thing you could do for me is to just drop it right now. That’s all I came out here to say.” He said, with finality. With that, he began to head back to his room. Everything happened quickly. But you hadn’t said your piece. The asshole hadn’t even begun to let you. You felt a tight feeling rising in your chest. He was really starting to piss you off. Just as his hand was about to turn the handle on the door, you quickly grabbed his arm. He turned his head to you, raising his brows, somewhat surprised at your sudden movement. You cleared your throat and did your best to muster up a stern voice.

“W-wait. I didn’t come here to a-apologize. I wanted to talk.”  Ugh, so much for a stern voice. ”Please hear me out before you go back to your room.” You persisted.

You stared at each other in silence. You were trying to read his face. As usual, you couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Was he considering it? Well, the fact that he hadn’t already left and returned to his room meant something, right? He scoffed before turning his head to the side. You couldn’t see what he said.

“Sorry, did you say something?” You asked meekly. He gave you an annoyed look and he turned back to face you.

“Make it quick, and do you wanna let go of my arm now?” He asked, in an irritated tone. 

Immediately you dropped his arm as if it were infected with a bizarre disease. You cleared your throat.

“Sorry. Well, I-I was thinking that your problem… i-it’s probably something that's gonna come up again in your time here.” You paused to think about what you should say next. You were looking down at your hands, grasped tightly together in front of you, you knew that if you looked at him straight on that you would fumble with your words. “...S-so, if it’s something that you would like to do something about, I can help you.” You still didn’t look up after you finished your piece. It went quiet.

 Suddenly, you’d had enough of your own behavior. Even if he intimidated you, since when were you this fucking spineless? As of now, you’d known him for a week. That was more than enough time to get used to his presence. You had never been this timid before, and you were tired of casting your eyes down when you were in the same room as him. You were better than that, and you knew it. You took in a deep breath, and shot your face up to meet his, with determined eyes.

"So? What do you say?" You asked, calmly. You guys maintained eye contact for a moment before he averted his gaze and spoke.

“You want to teach me how to read?”

“Well? What do you think? We could have meetings whenever it’s convenient for you, no one else needs to know. People hardly ever come into the library, and even if they did, we could always say that we are going over the expedition formation or something.” You paused for a moment to allow him to speak. When he didn’t, you continued. 

“This is definitely something that’s gonna come up again later, so if you don’t want the same thing that happened in the library that day to happen again... you should do this.”

Still he said nothing. Your eyes remained on him, unwavering. Was he really just going to completely ignore you? It seemed like that was the case. You sighed. You’d offered your help already, and that was the most you could do. No use in lingering on it. Now it was up to him whether he wanted to take you up on your offer or not. You gave him a small smile.

“It was nice talking again, Levi, I hope you’ll at least think about it.” You gave him a small bow before turning around and beginning to walk away from him. Almost immediately, you felt a firm hand on your shoulder.

You turned to see him standing behind you. Right away you focused on his lips, anxious to see what he had to say.

“Can we begin tonight?” You blinked in surprise. You didn’t expect him to be this eager.

“Of course, what time would be the most convenient for you?”

“Eleven thirty.” 

You frowned. “Aren’t scouts supposed to be in their barracks by ten?” 

“Doesn’t matter.” He replied, nonchalantly. You arched your eyebrow slightly, crossing your arms. Should you be enabling his insubordination?  Well, whatever. You sighed.

“Well as long as you’re okay with the possibility of you receiving punishment if you’re caught, that works for me as well.” You said. He nodded and began to walk back into his room. You observed him as he disappeared through the door.

What a total weirdo.

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The conversation with Levi was so draining that instead of returning back to the library as you had intended, you instead went into your room, kicked the crap on the floor out of your way, and plopped yourself onto your bed. Even though it had worn you out, you were glad you made the decision to hold your head up when you spoke to him. Your meek behavior before had been out of character. You threw your glasses off onto the bed and rubbed your eyes. You hadn’t been getting much sleep recently. Usually, you functioned well on a few hours of rest, but your carelessness was catching up to you now.  I’m going to have to stay up late today for my lesson with Levi. You rolled over onto your stomach.

You decided to take a small nap before you returned to the library, just to revitalize yourself for the long day ahead of you. You reached your arm down to the floor from your bed and felt around for your alarm clock. When you felt the cool metal on your fingertips, you wrapped your hand around it and pulled it back up on the bed, and set it to go off in two hours. It was twelve. At two thirty, Isabel wanted to talk about your experiences outside the walls, and also show you her progress with her signature. So two hours was perfect. With that, you gingerly placed the old alarm clock on your windowsill, and let sleep take you over.

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You woke up, but the alarm clock wasn’t going off.  Fuck. What time is it?  You reached your arm back and grabbed the clock. You squinted at it, the numbers were blurry without your glasses.

Three o'clock on the dot.

FUCK. You shot out of your bed and immediately began making yourself presentable, wiping the slight drool from your face, straightening your dress, patting your hair down with your fingers. After you were done, you picked up your glasses, which had fallen on the floor, and made a mad sprint to the library, earning you a few odd stares from various military members as you passed them in the halls. You knew Isabel had been looking forward to this for a while, you’d feel bad if you ruined it for her because you failed to remember that your alarm clock was a janky old piece of shit. You made it to the tall wooden doors that lead to the hallway into the library, and you swung them open, taking heaving breaths. Your chest felt like it was on fire. As you did, you saw Isabel, Furlan, and Levi just about to exit the opposite door. You took a big breath.

“Isabel!”  You called out. Her head abruptly turned back to face you. She said something, but the distance was too wide for you to catch it. You jogged up to her and started to explain yourself.

“I am so sorry-” You stopped to catch your breath, “I fell asleep and-” Once again you stopped to catch your breath,  How embarrassing. But you persevered, “Before I knew it I-”

“Hey there, it’s fine!” said Furlan, stepping forward to place his hand on your shoulder comfortingly. ”Why don’t you give yourself a moment to breathe and then you can explain yourself?” You smiled up at him gratefully and nodded. After you had caught your breath, you continued. 

“I think you caught the gist of it earlier, but I fell asleep and the time got ahead of me, I'm very sorry Isabel. But if you'd still like to, we could still talk now.”

Isabel gave you a wide grin. "Yeah of course I’d wanna! Is it okay if these two stick around? They’d come lookin’ for me." she asked, pointing both of her thumbs at the two men standing beside her.

“Yeah, of course, let's go sit down, if you guys would like, could I make up for the lost time by offering you some tea? The kitchen isn’t too far from here.” From the corner of your eye, you noticed Levi perk up very slightly at your offer.

“Sure!” Isabel piped.

“What kinds do you have?” Levi inquired.

“As of now we have green and black tea… do you have a preference?”

“Black, please.” He answered.

After that, Isabel and Furlan both agreed on black as well, and made your way down the long hallway to the kitchen.

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After you had returned to the library, you carefully walked to the long wooden table where the three had placed themselves, and delicately placed the silver tray down in the center, which held four porcelain teacups with brightly colored wildflowers painted on the side. You sat yourself down next to Isabel, Levi and Furlan sat across from the two of you.

“Well, what do you say we get the boring stuff dealt with first, hm?” You said to Isabel, and she nodded quickly, leaning over and pulling a wrinkled piece of loose paper from her pocket. Gingerly, she unfolded it to reveal that it was covered from top to bottom with copies of her signature. Some of them could be better, but others looked very neat. You looked back up to her and saw that she seemed pensive, quietly awaiting your critique. You gave her a soft smile.

“Could you point out your most recent attempt?”

“Y-yeah! For sure. Here ya go.” She placed the tip of her index finger on the bottom left corner of the page.

𝓘𝓼𝓪𝓜𝓪𝓰𝓷𝓸𝓵

It looked almost identical to the reference signature you had given her. 

“Isabel, this looks very neat! You must’ve practiced a lot!” You gushed. She beamed at your compliment.

“Thank ya! Should I keep practicing?”

“Most people know their own signature like the back of their hand, so until you can do it with your eyes closed, you should continue to perfect it.” She nodded eagerly and folded the paper back up and into her pocket. She looked back to you questioningly.

“well...Can I ask you all the questions I’ve been meanin’ to ask ya?”

“Go ahead,” you said. She brightened.

“Can you tell me about your last expedition?” You hummed at this.

“Sure.” You took a deep breath. It wasn't really a day you liked to look back on, but you'd known that this was what Isabel had wanted to talk about. And besides, you could handle going over it one more time.

“At that point, I’d been serving in the Survey Corp for about five years. I joined the military when I was fifteen, graduated and joined the Survey Corp at eighteen. I’m twenty three now.” You began.

“This expedition wasn’t any different from the others, we ventured out in an attempt to find out anything new about the titans. After a full day out, we had come up with nothing, which wasn't rare. It was on our way back that my accident happened.” You stopped to think. You looked back up to them, until now, you had been staring into your teacup.

“Have they told you about abnormal titans yet?” Furlan quickly shook his head.

“Well...most titans follow a distinct set of patterns. They’ll walk upright on their two legs. The only thing on their mind will be eating people, and they’ll do anything to achieve that goal, even if their limbs are getting hacked off as they're doing it...we still don't even know if they feel pain at all.” You stayed quiet for a moment to allow any questions.

“But abnormals are different, some have been known to completely ignore us as we ride past them, although that's very uncommon. They might focus in on one person specifically, instead of going for whatever they can get their hands on. In short, any titan that displays behaviors other than a blood-hungry monster would be considered abnormal. In terms of movement, they also might move differently. Most titans either walk or run, but I’ve seen abnormals crawling on all four limbs like dogs... I’ve seen another that got around by jumping great distances.” You darkened at the unpleasant memory. ”That ugly shit was especially difficult to deal with because even once we entered the forest, he could climb onto the trees.” You said quietly. Suddenly, you became hyper aware of your demeanor. You gave them an apologetic smile, twiddling your thumb around the curve of your teacup.

“P-pardon my language.”

“Please continue.” Furlan said, he looked at you with intense attention. You nodded.

“Well anyway, they're uncommon, so I wouldn't stress over it too much, in my five years I've only ever come across ten, and only four out of those ten posed more threat than any other titan. That day I encountered one of those four on our way back. Upon first observation, we thought it was harmless. It slowly trailed behind our formation, but it didn’t attack. My captain sent me and another scout to fall back and take it down." Her face flashed through your mind. You felt a lump in your throat, but you continued.

"But she- the other scout I mean, was a very curious person. Instead of going for the kill like we were supposed to, she placed herself on its shoulder. She was trying to capture its attention, I suppose. She was a very capable scout, I think if it were a normal titan she could have escaped very easily." you explained.

"B-but then the titan did something I'd never seen before… it screamed. It let out the most blood curdling scream I'd ever heard. Even from my place on the ground, it was piercing. I had to cover my ears. But Marl- the other scout, was right at the center of it. I saw her double over, and she fell off its shoulder. Once she did, it stopped screaming, and it immediately shot its hand out and caught her. I aimed my hooks at the nape to try to go for a kill. I came in from the right side, and as I did, it turned to face me, and it screeched again. I didn't cover my ears this time, I was determined to get the kill, although the scream did stall me. A-and then I killed it...after I did, I couldn't hear anything. My hearing returned somewhat during my hospitalization." You took a sip of your now lukewarm tea. Your eyes had glassed over.

"And that's all."

"And the other girl? What happened to her?" Isabel asked quietly. 

You blinked. "Ah...I was too slow. She didn't make it."

"O-oh… I'm sorry for askin’.'"

"Don’t worry about it, it was a while ago anyway, and besides, if it was something I was adamant on not discussing,  I wouldn't have answered your question at all." You gave her hand a small squeeze. 

"So please don't worry."

She nodded, and an awkward silence settled in the room. 

"Your first expedition is this week, right?"

"Right."

The small feeling of sorrow that had been residing in your chest had grown. You could feel it swelling inside of you. Before you knew it, you were speaking again.

"Please be careful out there. It's a very real possibility that you may die out there...this is your first expedition, so please don't take any unnecessary risk. There are factors you can't consider into your training. Your emotions, the actions of your comrades, your fears." Now your eyes were really soaked, but you didn’t allow the tears to fall, and you kept your voice steady. ”Marla and I were two very capable soldiers. We both graduated in the top ten...and our titan kill count was more than impressive, but you never know what you might encounter out there.” You were still holding Isabel's hand. You strained your throat to get these last words out without your voice cracking .

“So please just tread carefully.” You finished, staring at Isabel's pale hand in yours. You looked up. They all wore somber expressions on their faces.

Shit. The three of them were only days away from their first expedition, and here you were, pouring out all your trauma on them. It couldn’t be very reassuring. You wiped your eyes and plastered a small smile on your face.

“S-sorry, I don’t mean to scare you. Honestly, since it’s your first expedition, more people are gonna be watching out for you, so as long as you stay in the formation you should be fine. It’s very unlikely that something would happen… O-oh! And apparently Erwin's going to be trying a new formation, and the goal is going to avoid as many titans as possible, which is different fro- ”

“N-no it’s fine! It’s not like we’ve never heard the risks before. Shadis tells us worse stuff during training.” Furlan reassured you. You relaxed a bit, you knew that was true, but you still felt guilty.

“Still, there was-”

Suddenly you were interrupted by a pair of long arms wrapping themselves around your shoulders. You jerked your head up to see Hange smiling down at you.

“H-Hange?” You blurted out, still surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“Just came over to check in on my friend.” They said, giving you a wink, and you couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. They leaned down and gave you a small kiss on the cheek, and you scrunched your nose at the contact. You glanced back at Furlan and Levi, feeling embarrassed at Hange’s sudden display of affection. Furlan looked a little annoyed, but Levi was a completely different story. Oh dear. Levi must really hate Hange. If looks could kill, Hange would be dead where they stood. He stared at them with cold eyes, mouth in a hard set frown. Did their presence really annoy him that much? Thankfully, Hange didn't seem to notice, and if they did, they made no note of it. Suddenly they shifted their laser focus to the three other people sitting at the table.

“Which one of you brutes made this lovely lady cry?” 

 Your face flushed as you glared up at them. "Hange! I didn't cry, I only teared up a little, and it's no one's fault but my own."

 Hange frowned. "But you've never been very emotional."

"I know. As cool as I am, it happens to the best of us." You responded jokingly. Hange let out a harsh laugh, and you quietly joined in.

"Well, I don't have much time, I only came to ask if you wanted to go get some drinks with me and Moblit soon. "

"I would love to. Just let me know when okay?"

"Great! I'll see you later then!" they said, as they sauntered back to the door. Just as they were about to leave, they abruptly stopped in their tracks and turned.

"Bye bye, Levi!" They called back.

Ah, so they had noticed, they just wanted to be annoying about it. You surpressed a small smile as you eyed Levi, who wore an expression of disgust on his face. A small chuckle escaped your lips, and his head shot over to your direction. You feigned ignorance, pretending to look at your nails.

You watched the heavy wooden door close behind them, and turned back to your guests. Silently, you thanked them for livening up the mood, even if it was only a slight difference.

"Sorry about them, I can assure you that you guys are completely fine, so please don't feel bad...I didn't mention it, but I was quite close to the soldier that died that day."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Furlan said quietly.

"Don't be...she wouldn't want me to mope around about it." You said, laughing a bit. Furlan opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it, and suddennly grabbed your hand into his. They were warm. Levi shot him a weird look.

"Please don't worry about us. We're smart, and we're very capable of taking care of ourselves. We won't die out there." Furlan said, resolutely. 

Every bone in your body wanted to reject that statement. How could you promise that to someone? You couldn't. Promising someone something so earnestly puts heavy burden onto them. But you were tired...very tired. You decided to believe him. You smiled at him.

"Okay."

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

You slammed the large dusty binder shut with a groan. After they had left, you decided to get back to updating the catalog, a task that you had been putting off for far too long. You looked at the clock. Your conversation with Isabel, Furlan, and Levi had ended around four, and now it was... eleven...eleven? You gaped at the clock in disbelief. That meant that you had been working for seven hours. Granted you had taken some breaks here and there, but it certainly hadn't taken up most of your time. Hell, it was almost time for your meeting with Levi. Quickly, you began navigating your way around your desk, which had somehow gotten even more cluttered since the last time you cleaned it, picking out the things that you thought you would need for the lesson, two pens, loose sheets of paper, and a small sheet that had the alphabet printed onto it. You had also picked out an old leather notebook to give to Levi, so he could practice on his own if he chose to.

After you collected all of your items, you organized them onto the long wooden table, and pulled up two small chairs, so that you and Levi would be sitting across from each other. Satisfied, you glanced back at the clock...eleven seventeen. Good thing I checked the time earlier so I could prepare.  And you still had thirteen minutes to spare. You decided to get back to reading. You ran over to the romance section and pulled out one of your favorites. 'The Gentleman's Nursery'.

 It was about two lovers who only knew each other by letters, for they were separated by a 100 year old war. You had been in love with this book since you were a teenager. You slowly walked back to the couch seat as you flipped through the pages, scanning the chapter names and page numbers, looking for your favorite part. Ah, there it is. When they first meet each other. They meet by chance in the town's shop, but neither of them know who the other is, and they absolutely despise each other. The man thinks that the woman is far too crude for his taste, and the woman thinks the man is far too uptight. All the while, they've been writing letters professing their love to each other for the last ten months. You liked this chapter because it shows how far the couple comes in the end. The letters were reflections of the best parts of themselves, they were only showing what they wanted the other person to see, it wasn't authentic. And seeing them fall in love with the real versions of each other while slowly letting go of the ideals they held in the letters...it's satisfying.

"You need to watch your language, that's no way for a lady to speak."  Maxwell said with distaste.

"Excuse me? This isn't your conversation to stick your nose in! If you ask me, that's far more rude than anything I've ever done." Catrina retorted.

"You're in a public space, you need to be respectful of those around you!" he insisted.

"No one else seemed to mind except for you!"

God, Catrina was your role model. She was everything you aspired to be. You looked down to adjust your skirt from it's uncomfortable position, and saw two unusually clean boots in front of you. You shot your head up to see who it was. Oh, it's Levi. He opened his mouth to say something, but before you could notice, you quickly looked back down at book, you didn't want to lose your spot.

"Sorry, give me a moment," you mumbled, still looking down at the page number. One hundred and two. I'll have to remember th- 

Suddenly, Levi reached his hand out and grabbed your chin, and jerked it up to face him. His fingertips felt cold on your skin. You blinked, not quite processing what was happening. He leaned down slightly so that your faces were only inches away from each other. The feeling of your heartbeat became very apparent in your ears. He looked down on you with an irked expression.

"Hey, look at me when you're speaking to me." He said in a low voice.

Oh dear.

AN: Hello! So for some reason when I’m copying this from ao3, the italics don’t get translated, so i did my best to go through all of the text to correct it, apologies if i missed something and it read weird lol. 

as always, the rest of the chapters are uploaded on ao3 so if you wanna check that out, there are like seven more chapters there lol.

hope you enjoyed!

[amuelle]

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants…but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that.  It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner?  I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.