#have it anymore- will they let themselves feel bad for rae? or will it just add to the pile of things they dont let themselves feel

[the-sunshine-dims]

I bet Icarus is ganna think about the conversation they had with Rae a lot when they find out about Enderian's death, about how Enderian was trying to be a mom to Rae, was trying to be better, about how Rae almost had what Icarus had even if it was tainted,

About how their dad took even that chance from Rae, even if they hated Enderian, and probably would never stop, she was still something, for Rae.

about how once again they hurt Rae, about how they couldnt stop, becuase it couldn't be Fable's fault, how could it be? it was always Icarus's

[regegade]

I Wanna Be Yours

Originally posted June 13th 2024 Fandom: Fallout 4 Au: Naomi Sole survivor AU Characters: Reagan Knightly (oc) Naomi King (oc) "Johan King" / J4-19 / Silas Gold (oc) Content Warning: Mentions of lusting after a married man (no infidelity), Self Loathing Thoughts, Brief Mentions my HC of Deacon Type: One-Shot Summary: Reagan finds herself in a shitty situation. She has caught feelings for her best friend's husband after they went to hunt down Deacon for breaking Naomi's trust. She agonizes over knowing she has feelings for a man she could never be with. Extra Info: "Johan" in this is a synth created by the institute to be a replica of Naomi's Dead husband to manipulate her to help them.

Reagan’s gaze rested on the couple only a few feet away from her, who were happily talking amongst themselves, giggling and smiling. Her jaw clenched as she looked down, throwing a few more pieces of wood into the fire in front of her.

She was a bad person.

She kept reminding herself of this. Everytime she took another glance at the two. Everytime she looked at him.

Naomi was a good woman. Naomi was her friend. How dare she even dare to feel this way. How dare she even look at her friend’s husband. After everything Naomi has done for her. After all her support. After everything, Reagan was a snake in the garden. Reagan told herself this every single time her mind would wonder.

“Rae? You’ve been rather quiet tonight.”

God. Naomi should fucking hate her and here she was worried about Reagan.

She responded stoically as she stared at the flame, “It’s been a long couple weeks.” She sighs and leans back and looks at the blackened sky, every so often a cloud would move allowing the glimpse of moonlight and stars.

Naomi looked at Johan and shifted a bit to lean forward, towards Reagan,” You wanna talk about it?”

“Ehh it’s just stupid minutemen crap. Build a building here, plant fruit there, another settlement needs my help… Not much time for a break when you're rebuilding the minutemen to their former glory.”

“Rae… You can’t keep overworking yourself so much. Maybe you should take some time off from work. Oh! Maybe we could have a girls day! Just you and me! We can go to Diamond city, pamper ourselves a bit.” Naomi seemed to get a disappointed look on her face, “ I wish spas still existed. If I’ve ever met someone who deserved a spa day it’s you.”

Reagan snorted a bit, “Why would you pay for bathing in mud I will never understand.”

“It’s like fancy mud. It’s supposed to help you relax and be good for your skin.”

“I mean I could find us a nice ditch of mud to dive in. I just figured that’s not exactly your style.”

Naomi laughs, “Reagan do you have a mud pit you never told me about?”

“Yep. I keep it next to the pit of dead bugs. I hear the guts are great for the bags under your eyes.”

“Oh ewwww” Naomi cringed with a smile.

Johan laughed, “I mean hey clearly it’s working for her. Look at Reagan!”

Reagan gave a forced smile. He was complimenting her, yet she still couldn’t let herself enjoy his presence anymore. Not after that night a few months ago. The night that fire and passion he had for protecting Naomi and making her happy had won over Reagan.

She hated herself for that.

He was passionate for his wife dammit. He loves Naomi and Naomi loves him. Yet here she was, twisting that love for her own perversion. Why did she have to start having feelings for him? Out of all the men out there, she started having feelings for a married man. A happily married man, to make it worse.

“I know what would really brighten Reagan’s mood.” Johan chimed in.

Naomi leaned into him with a smile, “What’s that?”

“Me and her can go back and kick Deacon’s ass again.”

“No,” Reagan shot down coldly.

Naomi looked concerned at Reagan, “Are you okay?”

Reagan shook her head with a head, “I just… even to kick his ass I don’t want to see Deacon again, or any of my exes for that matter.”

Naomi looks at Johan who shared a concerned glance with her.

“Reagan?”

Reagan poked at the fire, avoiding eye contact, “Yeah Johan?”

“Did I do something wrong?”

She blinks before frowning in confusion and looking at him, “No, why?”

Johan sighs, “You’ve been turning down every chance to hang out together since we paid a visit to Deacon. You barely seem to even talk to me anymore. What changed?”

Reagan bites her tongue. What changed was before their trip, Reagan only ever saw Johan as her friend’s husband and now she imagines how he looked out of breath but so perfect. How fiery his eyes were. Now she fantasizes about being in the same bed as him and him holding her tightly.

At least if she keeps him at an arm's length she can deny her feelings and pretend they don’t exist. She can pretend he doesn’t exist. The closer they are though, the harder it is to come to terms with the fact that she is falling for a man that could never be hers. A man who she isn’t supposed to want.

She’d never act on these feelings. She could never do that to Naomi. The problem was even being near him was crushing her very soul. Knowing every time the two were together it was Naomi, he loved. Naomi, he wanted. Naomi he would spend his nights with. Who could blame him either? Naomi was amazing. Unlike Reagan. Who was a terrible friend.

“I… I guess I haven’t really noticed. I haven’t been meaning to be so cold, honest. I genuinely don’t want to go hunt down Deacon again. I just haven’t been in the right mood lately for the things we’d both be into.” Reagan offered a soft smile, “I promise we’ll figure out something to do together again. I just haven’t felt exactly the same since coming face to face with my ex-husband.”

“That’s… That’s fair. And a relief.” Johan let out a chuckle. “I was worried you just hated me all the sudden.”

No, she couldn’t hate him. If she hated him, being around him would be easier. If she hated him at least she wouldn’t have this guilt in her chest and feel the knife twist when he was with Naomi.

Naomi seemed to still hold a bit of concern on her face, “You know, Rae, I’m always here to talk if you need someone to vent to.” She looks down, sheepishly, “I know I used to consider Deacon a friend, but I don’t mind if you need to let out some of those feelings.”

Reagan shook her head, “It’s not your job to be my therapist, Naomi.”

“I’m not offering to be your therapist, I’m offering to be your friend.”

Reagan looks away. How could she do this to her? How could Naomi be such a good person and Reagan is lusting after her husband? How despicable could she get?

“It’s… It’s something that venting about won’t help. It’s something worse than that. It feels like I have a sickness. I appreciate your offer Naomi, truly I do, but… this isn’t something you can help.”

Naomi let out a heavy sigh, “well if you feel like changing your mind you can always come talk to me.”

“Thank you… You don’t know how much I appreciate you.”

Naomi nodded before leaning back to Johan who pulled her in closer, “Yeah she’s pretty great isn’t she?”

“Hm. Yeah. Yeah she is…”

It barely took any time for the couple to go back to talking and laughing. The two of them are so clearly in love, so clearly all over each other.

They deserved each other.

Reagan deserved to watch. To know she would never have what they have. To know she would never have him. No matter how badly she wanted him. She deserved the pain in her chest when the two of them kissed or groped the other.

She was a bad person.

She didn’t deserve that kind of love with the way she was thinking about him.

She’ll remind herself of that everytime she closes her eyes and he's there. Everytime she thinks of his touch. Everytime she replays that look in his eyes.

It was what she deserved, wasn't it?

[lubdubsworld]

Change of Heart ( Taehyungx OC)

Chapter 1   Chapter 2    Chapter 3     Chapter 4     Chapter 5   Chapter 6  Chapter 7

Summary : Times are changing. After years of being oppressed, werewolves are taking a stand against humans , demanding equal rights and fair treatment. Heading the movement is Kim Taehyung, the breathtaking heir to the Kim fortune and one of the few remaining Alpha werewolves in the country. His disdain for the human race is well known and well warranted. They killed his family after all….. He wants to change the world , to put humans in their place but when his five year old daughter takes a shine to their very human neighbor , maybe he has to start with a change of heart , first.

: Pairing : Taehyung x OC / Werewolf AU!!

Genre : Romance, Explicit Content.

Warnings : story gets a little serious from now on out... there's a lot of sexism, misogyny, degradation of women , and well morally untoward actions by people ......the oc gets roped into something exploitative and wrong. She is consenting but she's also pressured. So , please remember that this is just fiction.

Chapter 8

“Rae, calm down... i didn’t mean i want you to  leave right now..” Taehyung gripped both my wrists with his hands , tugging me away from my things . When I didn’t move, he gave me a gentle nudge toward to bed, prompting me to sit down.

“You’re just-” I began angrily but he cut me off. 

“Just sit down for a second and we can talk about this.” He begged, grip gentle as he held my hands . I tried to pull my hands away but he merely linked our fingers together, squeezing gently. 

I glared at him but sat down nonetheless. He stared down at me for a second before carefully, kneeling down in front of me.

My throat went dry at that. I doubted Kim Taehyung had ever kneeled , anywhere, in his entire life. 

“I’m sorry, Rae. “ He whispered, thumb tracing circles on the back of my palm. “ I was out of line talking to you like that. I would like to think, after everything we’ve been through, we’re at least friends.”

 Someone put me out of my misery,  I closed my eyes in dejection. 

“Please don’t give me a , ‘ we’re better off as friends’ speech... Please, I absolutely cannot handle that from you right now.” I whispered. 

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that I was out of my head when I came here just now, things were going south in the office and I was stressed out.... I swear I didn’t come here intending to talk to you about Eun Woo..... I came here to check up on you.....I just, I saw you with Jungkook and then you told me you were going to leave with him and I panicked and told you about Eun Woo. I’m sorry and I know I shouldn’t have sprung that on you. Not now, when you’re clearly still hurting.” 

I stared at him.

“You know just the right things to say, don’t you?” I shook my head.

Taehyung made a noise of impatience, scooting forward on his knees and his hands dropping to grip my waist through the thick towel wrapped around me. Suddenly aware of being just in my towel, I stopped breathing when he pressed closer, kissing the edge of my jaw. 

“I wasn’t trying to manipulate you into sleeping with me. Trust me...when I was talking to Seokjin about not wanting to mate you... I didn’t mean that I didn’t want you because I wasn’t attracted to you....I meant that I didn’t want to forcefully bring you into a world that is going to be cruel to you.” 

“I don’t know if I can believe anything you tell me anymore.” I said softly and his arms came around me, tugging me closer till he pressed his face into the curve of my breasts. 

“I’m not just anybody, Rae....You know that. Being with me isn’t the same as being anyone on the street. I.. I’m a public figure. Someone who has made his disdain for humans pretty clear.... “ He pulled back to stare at me.  He looked devastated and I felt my heart lurch treacherously again . He pressed another kiss, this time to my lips, before drawing back. 

“I know I hurt you.....but my cause is bigger than me, than anything I could want or desire. There are people out there...my people... people who have spent hundreds of years being punished for something they can’t control. And until , I o my part , until I use my wealth and power to bring some change in their lives, I don’t belong to myself.” He looked haggard , pressing his palms to his face, rubbing the exhaustion out of his eyes and I couldn’t harden my heart against the pang of sympathy that bloomed inside me. 

“I’ve never asked you to give up on your cause. Isn’t that the whole reason i came with you last night?” I reminded him and he nodded.

“Yes...and look how that left you. “ He shook his head, “ I wasn’t even rough , Rae. I felt like a bull in a fucking china shop, touching you. So scared of breaking something, so fucking terrified I was going to hurt you ....It drove me fucking crazy...”

I stared at him in disbelief , reaching out and cupping his cheeks, forcing him to stare at me. .

“ Stop that. You did not hurt me. I’m not as fragile as you think... You’re hardly the first alpha wolf I’ve had sex with...” I said sharply and he groaned. 

“I know... Fuck, I know that... It’s just....My instincts get so jumbled with you. I want to make love to you, to make you feel good …But I also want to protect you and keep you safe and it feels like i can’t do both...” 

“You and I...we aren’t that different. What feels good for you feels good for me too...” I protested. 

Taehyung gave me a helpless look. 

“I was raised this way. I haven’t ever seen my friends and family treat humans with anything but wariness and fear. My family ..... My father and mother, they ....” He hesitated. “ They turned a five year old human child, because she was dying. She was dying and her mother begged them to save their daughter. My dad gave her the bite ..... The girl survived and she was a wolf, yes but she lived. Do you know what your kind did? They said what he did was illegal , and they put my dad on trial and sent my parents to prison for it. “

I stared at him, wide eyed. 

“My parents didn’t last a month. They died in a fucking dungeon because humans think its better for a five year old girl to die than be one of us. I lost my parents when I was eight years old because humans cannot fathom the idea of someone being different.....” 

“Taehyung, I am so sorry... i didn’t know..... “ I said quietly.

“I’m not saying that has anything to do with you. I’m not ignorant enough to blame every human I meet for something that happened a whole two decades ago. I know things have changed....that the world today is vastly different from how it was back then... but can you imagine what would happen if I started this thing with you? “ He sighed, shaking his head.

“Taehyung, what are you saying?” I asked , too tired to process what he was saying.   I could feel a headache coming on, strong and almost debilitating in its intensity .                                                                                                             

“ I  like you.... I would love to get to know you better.... Watching you with my daughter...fuck... I’ve never seen her so happy..... I would like nothing more than to give her a family.... but the people I live with. The friends I meet for dinners, the guys I hang out with for drinks....they don’t trust humans. They’re powerful men who have seen first hand how cruel humans can be and they’re not going to give up years of conditioning, just because my wolf chose to imprint on a human.”

I stared at him, not even sure what to say. 

“Taehyung, I haven’t hidden how I feel about you. I’m not ignorant about what its like between your kind and mine. I live in the preserve. You think I don’t know what it’s like to be a human in a community of werwolves? I know how people look at me, how they see humans in general. If we did this....I would never blame  you  for the way others treat me.” I told him, heart breaking because he had clearly  thought  about this. Thought about this enough for him to feel bad about the mere possibility of me being hurt. 

Taehyung shook his head in protest. 

“How do you think I would feel, if I had to watch my friends treat you with anything but respect? It would drive me insane. And if you think the werewolves in the preserve are cruel to humans, you don’t even know how bad the upper class weres are... They don’t see human women as anything but a sick fetish for them to indulge themselves in. I’m not going to bring you into a world like that.....” He gave me look that was steady and unyielding, his tone brooking no argument. 

I sighed.

“Okay. “ I said softly.

He stared at me. 

“Do you hate me?”

I rolled my eyes.

“I think we can safely establish that I am incapable of hating you.” I said tiredly.

He smiled. I hesitated just a bit, before reaching out to touch his shoulders. I curled my fingers a bit, tugging him closer for a hug and he indulged me, palms stroking my back as I breathed in the alluring scent of him. 

“ When this is over.... “ Taehyung said softly, “ I hope you and i could get dinner together. I want you in my life... even if just as a friend.”

 Isn’t that just the perfect recipe for disaster,  I thought miserably. 

“I’m not going to be your friend, Kim Taehyung ssi.... I don’t hate myself that much.” I pressed a kiss to his ear. 

He hesitated. 

“What do you want to be then?” He whispered.

I shrugged, pulling back to stare at him. 

There really was no point talking in circles, was there? 

“The woman you love.” I said , holding his gaze steadily. 

His lips parted, clearly unprepared for my bluntness. 

To spare him the embarrassment of replying, I went on. 

“But i know that’s not in the cards...so i would rather we be passing acquaintances.” I shrugged. 

Taehyung gripped my knees, squeezing. 

“I’ve not been with a woman in years. My wife, “ He grimaced , a flash of hurt and betrayal in his eyes, “ She... I didn’t even like her let alone care for her. I’ve forgotten what It means to love a woman...to worry about how my actions affect her...to act in a way that makes her feel how much I care for her.....”

I bit my lips, not sure what he was implying or  if  he was even implying anything. 

" Well then,   once my dad goes to prison... You can go back to that blissful time in your life when you didn’t know that I existed. .” 

I grabbed my clothes off the bed and made to move to the bathroom 

.“Rae.... wait.” 

I stopped,  staring at him. 

I felt his fingers on my wrist, tugging me gently and I watched the way his fingers looked, so large and warm over mine. 

I could feel him staring at me but .I stayed quiet. 

There really was nothing more for me to say to him. 

“I’ve forgotten how to love a woman but...” He bit his lips.” It doesn’t mean I can’t learn again.”

I choked out a laugh. God, I hated him. 

“Don’t you dare-”

“When this is over.” He continued firmly, “ When your father is in prison, I’m not going to walk away. I don’t understand humans, I don’t relate to your kind....I can’t feel the things you do but I can learn. I can and I will. After everything you’ve done for me, it’s the least i can do for you. ”

I shook my head. 

“ Do it for yourself. Do it to be a better person. Because sometimes the greater good isn’t enough to justify hurting people who are on your side of the battlefield. “ 

He lowered his head and I pulled away gently, moving away to get dressed, 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is he going to come pick me up? “ I asked casually, swallowing down another couple of pills. I wasn’t even in a lot of pain anymore. More a pleasant soreness all over . 

Taehyung exhaled, nodding.

“He’s ...a good guy but I still want you to tell me if he tries something....”

I turned to stare at him, eyebrows raised. 

“And what will you do? Antagonize the man who’s your only hope to bring my father down? Don’t be absurd Taehyung.. i can handle men like Eun Woo.” I turned back to the mirror. 

 I ran the brush through my hair, carefully examining my face for any stray marks or bruises. It had taken a bit of time an an extra layer of concealer but i looked relatively unmarred. 

“I just want to make sure you’re safe and-” 

“I can take care of myself.... I’m a big girl.” I smiled at him through the reflection in the mirror. . 

Although, just the fact that I was here, having this conversation with him was a fine example of how  bad  I was at taking care of myself. How I had a knack for making the worst possible choices, the kind of choices that ended with me with my heart broken over and over again because of the same damn man.  

God, I wanted to get out of this apartment. Wanted to get away from Kim Taehyung. Never wanted to see his gorgeous face again. 

“Eun Woo knows you’re my mate... He won’t....” 

My eyes snapped up to him.  

Just hearing that word made something leap inside me, something sharp and hurtful. Something that felt unbearable, an emotion that made me pulse with regret and pain and filled me with a need to sob out loud. 

i turned around and his eyes immediately flitted to mine. I knew they were a little damp. 

“Can you just...not call me that?  “ I whispered , my fingers beginning to tremble. 

Taehyung froze, staring at me with wide eyes.

“Rae...”

i closed my eyes , breathing deeply. I’d never felt so frustrated, so desperate to end things with someone and yet so incapable of doing just that  and i hated him, hated him for turning me into something so pathetic.

“Don’t call me your mate. That is not what I am and that is not how you see me. So just don’t. “ 

I tried to calm myself down. 

Taehyung didn’t reply so I went on. 

“I’m going to do this...not just for you , but for the people in that preserve. For Luna because I want her to grow up in a world where she has the chance to experience the same happiness that the rest of us do. “

“Yes, And I’m grateful..” Taehyung began but i held my hand up. 

“I’m going to do this but I’m not going to give you more than what I absolutely have to. I’m not going to let you play the besotted lover when we both know there’s no future for us that way. I need to protect my heart and I can’t do that if you keep confusing me. And that means you talk to me like you would talk to any of your friends.  ”

Taehyung just stared at me for a second before nodding sharply.

“Point taken.” He said gruffly , looking just a little annoyed.. 

 Good, I thought viciously. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’re gonna have to get you more clothes like this, if we’re going to be together for real... ... You know the kind of life I lead...” Eun Woo commented mildly, shooting me a glance as he maneuvered the car out into traffic. He was pointing at the teal blue sheath dress I had on.  

It was pretty, spaghetti straps holding up the satiny material and molding to my body like a second skin. Taehyung had rented it out for me, and it had given me some satisfaction, watching him go slack jawed when I put it on. I was half tempted to tell him that I had won a lot of beauty pageants at my dad’s Country Club , back when I had still lived with him as a teenager. 

Over the years, I’d always dressed down, avoided make up and just not bothered too much. not because I didn’t enjoy dressing up but because it served no purpose. . Running up and down the ferry meant a lot of salty air on my hair and face and so, I had probably always looked like a drowned rat to Taehyung. 

“I have a whole closet full of branded clothes at my brother’s apartment. You don’t have to worry about me embarrassing you in public. I grew up as Jae hyun’s daughter .I know how the bougie class dresses, so please, just drive .” I was so tired, my eyes swollen although I hadn’t even cried. My heart felt like it had been wrung out . 

Eun Woo whistled.

“So you’re.... technically rich. Very rich.” There was a hint of interest there, laced with barely concerned excitement and it made my skin crawl.

I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m rich if i do exactly what my father asks me to. Which I won’t.”

Eun Woo chuckled. 

“So...this thing with Taehyung...it’s nothing huh? I mean, he’s clearly okay with you doing stuff with me.....” 

I glared at him.

“The only thing we’re going to be doing is finding out what my father’s upto.” 

He held both his hands up .

“Hey, I’m just wondering if he’ll tear my throat off if I shoot my shot.” 

I sighed, too exhausted to even entertain this conversation. 

“Don’t make this difficult.” I said tiredly and he grunted.

“He did a number on you last night, huh?” the lecherous glance he tossed my way was nauseating. 

I didn’t reply.

“Thought you were used to werewolves though...could smell that wolf on you...in the preserve.,.. Jungkook was it?”

I closed my eyes . 

Eun Woo looked handsome and elegant in his pin striped white suit and perfectly polished shoes but there was no mistaking the sheer unadulterated lust on his face when he looked at me. And the way he talked to me, like I was a hooker he had hired for the night. I suddenly understood what Taehyung had meant, when he said that wolves only looked at human women as a fetish. 

I glanced at my phone. It was a little past five. My father generally spent his evenings in his Yacht club, lounging about with his friends and scantily clad women. Eun Woo was a member too and the idea was to casually run into my father there. 

“I’m just saying...you have a thing for wolves...I’ll be more than willing to scratch that itch for you....” He was leering now and I willed myself not to scream when his fingers reached out, lightly stroking my cheek. I pulled away, bile rising in my throat. 

Feeling cheap and dirty, I dug my fingers into my thighs. 

“Thank you for the kind offer. I’ll let you know if I ever want to take you up on that.” I muttered. 

I watched as he pulled into the Yacht Club.

The Marina Yacht club was my father’s castle. It was where he held court thrice a week, all his rich and powerful bosom buddies flooding the place to get and stay in his good graces. 

Wine, Women, drugs and alcohol all topped with a healthy dose of anonymity and discretion. I stepped out into the lobby, surprised when a man called out my name.

“Mi Rae?? Is that you?” 

I felt my eyes widen when I recognized my dad’s old butler. 

“Mr. Gwan... Oh, I didn’t know you worked here?” I smiled despite myself, happily letting his wrap his hands around me in a warm hug. 

“Your father has been so kind to me.... He misses you.” The old man said softly.

I managed to return the gesture, bowing lightly.

“Is he here?”

“Out on the back terrace. A lot of his friends are here today.... Would you like to meet him?”

I nodded.

“Certainly. Could you tell him I’m here with ... Mr. Cha Eun Woo?” I smiled and looped my arm around Eun Woo’s , the latter pulling out his membership card and handing it over to Mr. Gwan with a winning smile. 

Mr Gwan bowed, leading us into the foyer which was milling with Seoul’s elite, men in polo t shirts and fitted pants and women in short summer dresses or flowery jumpsuits with huge hats. The crème de la crème of society, I thought , rolling my eyes internally. 

“Stop looking like that, doll. “ Eun Woo’s lips brushed my ear and I straightened my features, pasting a small smile as we followed Mr. Gwan, past the milling crowd and to the back, where the club opened into a beautiful terrace with a pool and a dance floor. 

Women in skimpy bikinis' lounged around the pool despite the lateness of the hour  and I saw my father, surrounded by four or five men, relaxing in the lounge chairs near the pool. They were all old and fat, my father standing out because he was always particular about staying fit and looking ten whole years younger. 

He looked surprised when he saw me, surprised but clearly pleased.

“Mirae..... And Eun Woo? What an absolute pleasure.” He stood p quickly, eyes glinting with delight when he took in my attire. 

“Good evening father.” I smiled, letting him pull me into a hug. My father turned to the men around, all of whom made no attempt to hide the way they were ogling me. 

“Gentlemen, my beautiful daughter, Mirae. And the man she’s seeing currently, I believe you’re all familiar with him. One of the finest men in the country. ” 

I tilted my head in acknowledgement, bowing lightly while Eun Woo shook hands with the men. 

“Cha Eun Woo at your service.” He drawled easily, holding a couple of fingers up and signalling a waiter to bring a couple more chairs for us. I smiled as he gave me a soft kiss on my cheeks.

“Why don’t we head over to the bar and you can pick a drink, honey?” He said , smile dazzling in its intensity.

I fluttered my lashes for effect.

“I’d love that.” I said , letting him lead me away with a quick, “ Gentlemen, a moment.” 

“That’s Taehyung’s undersecretary . The rest of them i can’t recognize but they’re all wolves. Your father’s been particularly sneaky, i see....” He whispered thoughtfully , the moment we were out of hearing distance and I blinked.

“What?” 

“That guy in the blue trunks, he’s a part of Taehyung’s cabinet. I’m sure of it.”

The bartender tapped the counter to get our attention and I startled. 

I pointed vaguely at one of the drinks and turned back to Eun Woo.

“Really? Oh my God, do you think he’s been telling my father about Taehyung’s plans?” 

Eun Woo nodded.

“That would explain things.... “

“We should tell Taehyung , he needs to fire that guy...” i said desperately and Eun Woo shook his head.

“No... we need to find out what is it that these wolves wants from your father... They’re obviously feeding him information for a price. We need to know what, although I think i have a pretty good idea.” Eun Woo smirked.

“What?” I said, curious but he shook his head, lightly kissing the tip of my nose. 

“Its a wolf thing... I’m just going to go back and lay some groundwork. You wearing a bikini underneath that dress?”

I frowned.

“Yes? Why?”

“Go to the dressing room and take your dress off. Come back and sit on my lap yeah? “

I stared at him.

“This better have something to do with ...”

“Baby, we’re running low on time. Just do as I tell you and you can be back in your TaeTae oppa’s arms in no time.....” He drawled, squeezing my hips hard and I flinched. 

He was so annoying.

But I did as he said and when I walked back to the rest of them, I saw that he was sitting a little ways off from the rest of them but close to the man in the blue trunks. The crowd had left, the gate leading to the terrace was closed and my father was nowhere to be found. 

it was just Eun Woo and the four men and the four or five women still in the pool.. They all looked at me when I got near and Eun Woo stood up waving before sitting back down. 

“Ah...Rae... Come on over!” He waved and I walked over, feeling ridiculously exposed in the electric blue string tied bikini. 

I smiled at him, casually sitting down on his lap, and letting him wrap an arm around my torso. He pressed a kiss to my cheek, my jaw and then whispered against my ear.

“Let’s give them a show.” 

I blinked, confused and then he pulled me closer, tugging me around till I was straddling him. I gripped his shoulders at the obscene position we were in , but he looked incredibly serious as he gave me a slight nod. Smiling, I lightly rolled my hips , letting the crotch of my bikini trace a small circle against the front of his slacks. He had taken off his jacket and it wasn’t that hard to get into the mood. The idiot was beautiful after all. 

“needy little thing....” Eun Woo chuckled. “ Dated a couple of betas but it wasn’t enough for her...Right baby?” 

I gave him a shy little smile, watching the men out of the corner of eyes. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing but, i followed Eun Woo’s lead and moved when he tugged on my hips, buried my nose in his neck when his palms fluttered against my shoulder.

“Sometimes they need a knot.... can’t settle for anything less....” Eun Woo went on, laughing and i stiffened despite myself. He pinched my thigh lightly, a soft, ‘  focus’  hissed against my ear. 

I swallowed, staying still.

He lightly dipped one finger into the waistline of my bikini and i jumped. 

“There’s something exciting about fucking a human .... so helpless and fragile and yet so thirsty to get dicked down by an animal.” Eun Woo went on and the men chuckled. 

I tamped down on the urge to knee him in the crotch. 

The greater good. 

 the greater fucking good. I reminded myself. 

 i was going to strangle Kim Taehyung. 

 “ Knows when to keep her mouth shut too. It’s a rarity with human women...... Always yip tapping about shit. “ Eun Woo went on. 

“She looks amazing...” The man on the left said...

“She looks even better when I have her wrapped around my knot.” Eun Woo chuckled.

The air seemed to shift around me. 

“Uh...yeah?” One of the men said.

“Of course....gets off on it too... People watching...right baby..? I could make you take my knot, right here on this chair with all these people watching and you’d love it...wouldn’t you baby?” 

“Fuck, that would be so hot...” The man in the blue trunks whined next to me and it made my skin crawl. I couldn’t do this. Not even for Kim fucking Taehyung. 

I dug my nails into Eun Woo’s sides. I’d had enough. 

“I have a resort up the Han River.... Secluded and private. Mr Yoon told me you guys have some sort of deal to finish up? Why not schedule it at my place.... Dinner and a show” Eun Woo squeezed my thighs hard making me yelp, “ My treat.” 

The men whispered excitedly.

“That sounds good. The seventeenth of this month. We have a ... meeting with a few associates. We’d require a lot of privacy . “ 

Eun woo hummed.

“Done. And sweet Rae and I will be there to take care of the entertainment . Now if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I have a few more pressing engagements.”

He spanked my thigh and I sat up, slowly climbing off him. He wrapped his arm around my waist , and I looked anywhere but at the men, bowing awkwardly as I let him lead me away from the terrace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ow...Ow... Ow.. What the fuck..stop!” Eun Woo grabbed my wrists stopping me from raining more punches on him. 

“That was so fucking embarrassing you fucking pervert!!” I hissed and he gripped my wrists harder, so hard that I winced.

“I know!!!  just calm the fuck down. At least we know when they’re meeting the damn dealers. And it’ll be on our turf. “ He said angrily. 

I glared at him.

“So what , the cops can just walk in and arrest them...??” I stared at him in disbelief. 

it seemed so easy. 

“If they’re caught with the drug, yeah.” Eun Woo shrugged, “ Taehyung already has plenty of evidence linking your father to the drug,....all he needs is the physical record of your father in contact with the dealers. And if your father’s there on seventeenth its going to be a walk in the park. All we need to do is...well... possibly fuck in front of them.” 

I felt my jaw drop.

“I am not fucking you... not even if the survival of the entire human race depended on it.” I hissed.

“Relax, babe... It doesn’t have to be all the way through... beta werewolves don’t have a knot so these bastards get turned on watching alphas knot a woman... that's all it is... We give them that and they’re gonna play right into our hands.....” Eun Woo shrugged. 

“That is so gross...” I fought the urge to retch. 

“ We also feed some sort of nonsense to that undersecretary of his.. maybe a false raid elsewhere so these idiots have their guard down. it’ll be easy. “ Eun Woo shrugged

I groaned.

But I had to admit that Taehyung was right. Cha Eun Woo was a smart bastard. 

“And that's the best way to do this? I need to... pretend to have sex with you...” I tasted bile in my throat.

Eun woo smiled.

“For the greater good , baby.” 

i groaned. 

I hated werewolves. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : Shit’s about to go down in the next chapter !! lemme know what you guys thought :D 

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Send me an ask if you want to be on the tag list :D 

[yakumtsaki]

Welcome, dear readers, to part 1 of the finale to the BackupKingdom2 saga! We’re in our final ambition now, let’s check how Liz’s post-divorce-bloodbath is going..

Oh yes, excellent. Our path to death-achievement-glory has been paved with so many executions that wherever I look I see npcs crying..

..comforting each other..

..and in Agnes' case, coming straight to Liz to.. ask for mercy for the populace I guess?? Bruh. I can't believe we even brought down AGNES, truly this is the saddest kingdom on earth. Amazing job, Liz, you've definitely earned your place in the tyrant hall of fame!

Now a lesser player would be like "oh, maybe we should chill a little on the insane tyrant thing, finish the Pirate/Noble arc cause we've been dragging this war out so the pirates/guildsmen would keep spawning and it should have ended like 20 quests ago" and true, we could just end it, we ran a very effective operation around here, shoutout to MVPs Donius and Bellinda and their 'seductive' legendary traits:

They bedded them and Liz beheaded them, the power of teamwork! So one could say that we should consider raising kingdom morale now because everyone is so depressed but I think, if anything, now is the time to ramp it up and go for some of the other morally questionable achievements! Like Machiavelli said, you should commit all your atrocities at once! What do you think, Liz? Ready to get atrocious?

-OH FUCK YEA, I’M ENRAGED, I DROPPED MY FIDDLE IN THE PIT AND NOW I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE SERVANT TO GET ME A NEW ONE!! WHY DOES EVERYTHING ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME >:(

Aw I’m sorry Liz, but I’m sure you the upcoming suffering of your subjects will cheer you up!

-Ok motherfuckers, by order of the Crown aka ME -you hear that Rae?? ME, NOT YOU. God I want to execute you so bad, fucking ingrate, do you remember what rags you were wearing when I hired you??  

Let’s get this back on track, Liz.

-Right, so by order of the Crown, Magus Olivia and Spymaster Spainot are given COMPLETE LEGAL IMMUNITY to do whatever the fuck they want in the interest of earning achievements, so don’t you people come crying to me cause I don’t give one tiny chinchilla crap about your health and livelihoods. If you need me for something actually important, I'll be at the gates, executing anyone who doesn't like my fiddle playing.

-Oh man, this folksy peasant hat isn’t protecting my ears enough.

-THOUGHT I WOULDN’T HEAR YOUR LITTLE MURMUR, DID YOU  -YOUR MAJESTY NO I ONLY MEANT MY EARS WERE COLD -WELL ALL OF YOUR BODY’S ABOUT TO BE COLD NOW! CONSTABLE, THROW THIS PEASANT IN THE PIT

-Death marker? I hardly know 'er!

So the Constable npc has this little Billy Elliot subplot going, I'm pretty sure he has the 'drunkard' fatal flaw because he was always at the tavern so I had Bellinda try to hire him to perform in one of her plays just to see what would happen and it actually worked, and now he moonlights as an actor! It's cute but it also takes forever for him to come arrest people.

-THEY LOVE ME ❤️😁 -CONSTABLE WHATSYOURNAME, COME OVER HERE AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB OR YOU'RE NEXT FOR THE PIT

-No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, when someone dies😢

In the background you can see that Bellinda just got a pregnancy bump, it’s her lovechild with Donius, I for real can’t keep these two apart. Anyway, the time has come..

..to unleash Magus Olivia onto the populace.

-You know what, I'd rather not, this book is finally getting good and I'm sick of cursing peasants, it doesn't even drop their mood that much..

Oh no, Olivia my beloved, we're not cursing them, we're going for the 'Well Done' achievement!

-NO WAY.

WAY.

-Won't I be executed??

You have immunity! You can do whatever you want!! And, AND, once you complete it, because I know it's tiring, I'll give you a magic skeletal parrot as a gift!! Edward got all the materials for it while treasure-hunting, you'd think I'd let him keep it but that's not the kind of shop I'm running here.

-This is my face of pure, childlike happiness!

Good lord, it’s terrifying, please don’t look at me like that.

-Alright, time to roll down my sleeves so they look more sinister and do this thing.

You can do it, Olivia!

-Of course I can, save your reassurance for the flops that need it.

-I.. cast.. INFERNO!

...

-What?

I mean really, those are the words, "I cast inferno"? Can't you say something with more evil magical flair?

-Not when I have to cast it 80 fucking times I can't.

-IT BURNS, IT BURNSSSSS

Oh how the tables have turned, usually it's the witch that gets burned, huhu! Did you hear that, Olivia? Did you like my joke??

-Oh, it's beautiful!

Well it wasn't one of my best-

-Not you, you needy moron, the sight of burning flesh! I can't wait to do this 79 more times!

Alright, so everyone in the tavern has been turned into a chicken nugget, time to get some rest and check in with Spainot!

-Amazing news, Rodolfo, I just got royal permission to unlawfully lock up and interrogate whoever I want for the achievements!!!

-Darling, no offense, but aren't you a bit too shit at your job for that? -WHAT????

-FUCK YOU RODOLFO YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY SUCCESS -I WISH I WAS JEALOUS OF YOUR SUCCESS, THEN YOU'D BE SUCCESSFUL AND I WOULDN'T BE MARRIED TO A BROKE LOSER

-And then he says the only reason he hasn't dumped me is he doesn't wanna be a rando npc while Batshit Liz is on an execution spree, can you believe this bullshit? How can anyone be so hurtful??

-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA NO NO PLEASE DON'T HAVE THIS CHINCHILLA MAUL ME I'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT

-How about you give me some marital advice, are you even listening?! Ugh.

That's right, while Olivia is inferno-ing the peasants, I've sicced Spainot on the nobility, specifically all those foreign diplomats that are always hanging in the reception hall, lagging up the place. We're going for the 100 interrogations achievement and we’ve installed a nice spiky torture chair right in the middle of the hall to save time! Now this is how we keep every stratum of society terrified enough to not realize that the person in charge is.. uh.. well you know:

-DANCE TO MY FIDDLE, PIRATE, DANCE!

-I AM!!!!!

-DANCE MORE ENTHUSIASTICALLY. ALL THE WAY TO THE PIT

After a couple days and several locations I feel we’re pretty close to 80 infernos!

I’d say we’ve burned a good 50-60% of the population at this point, everywhere I look I see singed townies-

-so we take this little barbecue to the palace because we’ve ran out of peasants and it’s time to start burning the foreign dignitaries. And it’s a good thing we do, because Olivia meets Nyrexis the Dragon!!!! 

Nyrexis is the human form of the dragon from a hilar quest where there’s a dragon in the kingdom and you can either befriend it or slay it, I had Bellinda befriend it:

So if you complete the befriend route of the quest, the human form of the dragon appears in town and is in love with whoever did the quest, in this case Bellinda. I am of course not about to waste Dragonfu on Bellinda’s basic ass, plus I feel Olivia is kind of a dragon with all the people she’s been burning so they have a lot in common! 

We dazzle Dragonfu with a coin trick! True magic at work.

-OMG IT WAS BEHIND MY EAR THE WHOLE TIME -I KNOW!

Good God, all of Olivia’s ‘happy’ expressions are terrifying, just don’t smile ever again, you’re too evil for it, you’re gonna scare the dragon away!

Or not!!!!

 AWWWWW 🐲❤️🔮

You know what, fuck it, let’s lock it down, when it’s right it’s right!

-Burn stuff with me forever?? -I WILL!!!!

-We are gathered here today, under threat of fiery death, to join two unholy abominations in holy matrimony. Yes, the irony is not lost on me. 

AW CONGRATS GUYS <3333 The wizard tower is so small and family un-friendly and Olivia is so unmaternal but come on, like I’m not gonna have her reproduce with a fucking dragon.

Back to Spainot, we’ve hit a slight bump, mainly that this Snordwich lord is proving fucking impossible to torture. 

-Um.. Are you enjoying this??? -Sure am, bad boy, but why don’t we take this somewhere more private already?

Wtf, stop sexually harassing the innocent person who’s torturing you! Does no one around here have any sense of humanity anymore??

-Come on, Spainot, throw some flesh-eating rodents at him! -I’M BUILDING UP TO IT, RAE, GAWD. No one likes a back-seat torturer!

-HA, who’s the loser now, Rodolfo? Rodolfo?? RODOLFO

Ya Spai I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m pretty sure he left while you were interrogating, I haven’t seen him in like 3 days.

-WHAT. So Olivia completes one achievement and gets a dragon wife and a magic skeletal bird and I complete three and get dumped?!

Well what do you want from me, I don’t make the rules!

-YES YOU DO

Can we move on, please? And Olivia had a very rough go of it-

-she got burned in some rando quest and looked positively karma-stricken after, inferno-ing left and right while sporting this look! She deserves a magic bird!

Congrats on your success and 4 kids, Olivia! 

-I love this skeleton bird more than I thought it possible to ever love something.

-Gee, thanks mom. 

We had leftover bones so here, Spainot, you get a magic bird too.

-A bone parrot is little comfort when you’ve lost the only bone that matters! Why Rodolfo, whyyyyy!!!!!!!!!

Oh I don’t know, probably because you challenged him to duels 3 times a day?

-No, that can’t be it.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you look like a man who has nothing to live for?

-Yea, I certainly don’t.

So you wouldn’t mind like, jumping into the pit multiple times so you can get the parts we need for the hardest achievement in game aka Legendary Doomsword?

-Rodolfo had one of those too, it was legendary and now that it’s gone I’m doomed!!!

Ok ya ENOUGH metaphors about Rodolfo’s absent penis, although they really are writing themselves. We’ll get him back! If you survive all the pit jumping that is. Join us next time for part 2: Legendary Doomsword!

[rimaiahwrites]

Red handed—

Chapter seven

After Erik drove away Israel came in to the house grinning even though he low key pissed her off.

She was still happy that she got to spend time with him, Erik was actually bringing happiness and excitement to her dull life and she couldn't be happier about it.

Israel walked right passed her brothers and into the kitchen, not even noticing all her brothers and their friends sitting in the living room looking at her like she lost her mind.

She grabbed a water bottle and began to chug it. Until she heard someone clear their throat. She turned around and started choking on the cold water. Noah got up from the floor and made his way over to pat her on the back.

When she got her choking under Control, she waved at them giving her best smile trying not to look suspicious.

"Who the fuck was that nigga you was wit'?" Her smile dropped.

"What are you talking about I-" Jay cut his eyes at her, daring her to lie to his face. Israel rolled her eyes trying to play it off. "He's Just one of my friends jay, relax."

"Since when do you have guy friends?" He asked walking into the kitchen. Everyone now quiet like he was some sort of king.

"Since when did I have to answer to you?" Israel spit back, looking him up and down. Jay was a bit taken back from her tone because it wasn't like her to get go smart mouth with him.

"Since you were born fuck you mean when? You forgetting that you the youngest?" He said cocking his head back like she just said the most stupidest shit ever. "no but You keep forgetting I'm grown. I can do as I please." She hissed slamming the freighter door shut. "I'm not no damn baby anymore, stop trying to tell me what I can and can't do I'm grown rather you like it or not, the fuck" she said stepping up to him as if he wasn't 6'0 and bulky grown man. not even realizing that she had raised her tone with him...or that she was cussing.

"Girl-" she quickly held her hand up to hush him. "No! I'm so done with this shit! Y'all three get to do whatever y'all want and y'all still live in mom and dads house and don't nobody say shit to y'all but when I hang out with someone of the opposite gender it's a problem? as if you did just sneak that girl In your room not to long ago, as if y'all wasn't fucking in there while mom was downstairs right under your room." She spit out dropping her head down a bit to give him a death stare. She was so irritated and had so much adrenaline running through her, she was shaking.

"You really can't say shit to me jay!" She said slapping her hand on the counter, and her other hand in her hip. Looking like a middle aged black mama yelling at her disobedient child while jay just stood there staring wildly at her but there wasn't much he could say. It was all true. She cut him up and now he was stuck not knowing what to say.

It was quiet in the living room and kitchen.

Jays friends didn't say a thing but they were fully entertained with the argument going on between the two Sibling.

"So what you just fucking random niggas now? Huh? That's where you was last night? At that niggas house being a hoe?" He shouted, veins popping out the side of his head. Israel face dropped at his words and they stung more then she thought they would.

You could hear a pin drop nobody made a move or spoke a word. Just a silent staring contest between the two. Jays fists balled, shoulders squared looking like he was ready to fight while Israel on the other hand was her eyes were getting glossy and her breathing heavy. She could feel the lump in her throat getting harder to swallow.

She cleared her throat and turn to walk back to get her bag by the front door. And heading up stairs, there was nothing else to be said. Israel now knew that her big brother saw her as nothing more then just a hoe, he has made it very clear today.

Israel waited until she was 18 just to talk to men and now he was calling her a hoe not even knowing that she only stayed for the night, And that was all. But there was no point in arguing with jay, he was stubborn and a asshole. if that's what he thought that's what he thought.

She shut her bedroom door and headed straight to her bed, stuffing her face in her pillow tears coming down like a waterfall.

She was Tempted to call Erik just so he could come get her of the hell hole she called home.

Maybe that was over dramatic but she hated it here, she loved her family but being with them 24/7 wasn't something she planned on doing once she turned eighteen. She honestly thought she would have been treated like her brothers were but then again she was never given a fraction of the freedom her brothers has. She was never treated like her feelings mattered, everything has always been about the boys.

You would think that since she's the only daughter her father has she would be treated like a princess and get away with everything but that definitely wasn't the case with her father. She was always the one to get yelled at first, she was always the first one to get blamed for something she didn't do and was always the first to get it the worst of her siblings.

Her father was a strict, mean military man that had no Sympathy for anyone and he clearly passed that down to his oldest son.

She was so sick of crying over them, she was so sick of being mistreated.

With tears still running down her face she sat up and took a deep breath feeling like she was dropping down into that deep hole she liked to hide herself in when she was feeling down.

His words replaying in her head like a broken record. She wasn't a hoe and she knew that and she knew that she didn't sleep with Erik but some how his words sank into her skin so deep that she felt dirty. Like she had committed some sort of sin.

She was only having fun, and finally getting the teenage experience she never got to have when she was younger.

Israel was tired of crying over things her family has said to her it was time for her to stop letting their words hurt her and effort her mental health.

She stood up from her bed and decided that she wanted to take a flower bath and just pray her troubles away.

-

Erik parked his black Mercedes-Benz G-Class outside of the were house he owned. This was the place he kept all of his weapons, books, important papers and information he had collected over the years of him being in college and the navy.

He and ten of his close friends that he met in the navy had formed a elite group of former navy seals. Their jobs were to Take down small governments and expose them. They also would kill small amounts of police officers and clans men which 9 times outta 10 were the same group of men.

About six months age they made a little mistake that almost got them caught which would've cost them their lives which is why they took a break to regroup to better themselves. Erik and three of his boys ace, zeik and Rae all trained the hardest they ever have far as fighting techniques, Brent, rocky and von all worked with weapons and the rest of the boys were hackers.

Today was their first meeting in six months. Erik has changed Plans and moved things from the original date so this meeting is important.

Erik walked to the side door of the warehouse and slide up the side  paneling to reveal the handprint scanner, that was the only way to get into it up less you climb to the very top and through the window but the chances of that happening was slim. Once he was into he went to the corner of the large warehouse and behind the staircase that lead you to go upstairs which was empty.

He walked into the staircase little door where there was a another door that used Voice activation to open. "State your name please." a robotic voice said as it Scanned his face. "Erik Stevens."

"Face scan complete, welcome back erik." The voice said as the heavy Metal door opened to Reveal his underground lab.  "Feels good to be back." Erik Chuckled as he walked down the steps. All of his boys turned their heads from the game of pool to Erik. "Ayo Erik where you been at motherfucka you was supposed to be here a hour and a half ago." Erik grin as he dubed ace up ignoring zeik interrogation. "Right and you be the main one mad if Someone else late to the meetings." Rae butted in.

Erik rolled his eyes.

"If y'all don't shut the fuck up, I gotta life to I just got caught up." He shrugged them off as he walked over to his desk. Rae eyebrows raised as he looked at the rest of them and they all were just as confused as him. Erik and "personal" just didn't go together in the same sentence, if he wasn't working out he was working. Erik was always work, work, work.

Brent smirked as he grabbed his water  bottle and took a sip "him must got a new bitch or sum'" ace snorted "nigga yeah right that nigga ain't been in a relationship in years, Erik fucks and dips." It was true. That just wasn't like Erik.

"All I hear is you motherfuckas being worried about me let's get to work!" Erik clap his hands exactly as he went into the meeting room with the rest of the men following.

-

After a four hour meeting they had finally figured everything out. It was now 10:46 and Erik was tired, Israel sleeping over had him exhausted since it fucked up his sleep schedule. On a normal day Erik was in bed 11 o'clock and up at 6 o'clock in the morning. Sleep was very important to a healthy life style. It was Proven that people that get at least 7 hours of sleep they live longer.

Soon as Erik got home he took a shower and got straight in bed. he didn't even bother putting on clothes.

It's almost been a week since Erik has last spoken to Israel since he had been so busy. It's been strictly wake up, eat, work, train and work some more he didn't really have time to hang or call.

He felt a little bad for it but he knew that she knew he wasn't ignoring her intentionally...at least he hoped she knew that.

Today Erik was going to the gun range with ace just to do some training and catch up with him since they really hasn't had the chance to do that.

Since ace's car was in the shop right now so erik decided to pick him up instead of him catching a Uber. Soon as erik pulled up to aces Apartment he saw he step out of his door and jogged over to the passenger side.

"Wassup E," he said as he sat his bag down in the back seat. "Wassup bro you ready to show these niggas how to aim?" Erik said jokily as he drove off.

Erik cooked his AMT and aimed it at the head of the paper man all the way in the range and let multiple bullets fly from it giving him a slight rush. He adjusted his safety glasses and gripped the handle of the gun again before pulling the trigger but aiming at a different figure. Him and ace were both in their own little worlds before the ringtone from Erik's phone pulled him back down to earth, it caught aces attention too.

It was Israel.

Erik beamed down at the screen but Debated if he should answer it or not, he wanted to he really did but decided it would be best if he called her later since he could barely hear from all the gun shots being fired.

"Who was that? Got you smiling and shit..." ace asked with his eyebrows raised. Placing his gun down to face Erik. "Nigga why you so damn nosy?" Erik cut his eyes at him while blindly putting his phone back into his pocket.

"What you mean nigga? I'm just trying to see who making my dawg so happy is that a crime?" He said jokingly jerking his head back. Erik rolled his eyes.

"It's was one of my friends." Erik stated before grabbing his gun again trying to get off the topic. Ace put his hand out and pushed the gun down before he could pull the trigger.

"What friend? cause the last time i checked we had the same circle of friends?" Erik sigh getting annoyed with aces interrogation. Did he want to tell his best friend about Israel? Hell nah. Because he know his best friend and he knows he's going to go over bored and start doing the most with questions.

"You don't know her. Drop it nigga."

"Her? So you got a bitch or sumn'" Erik shock his head not even meaning to slip up and say anything. It was to late to take back now. "Nah she not my girl, we just been chilling." Erik shrugged, as he corrected him.

"Lemme see what she look like nigga how you know I don't know her?"

"Hell nah nigga stop being nosy-"

"Ok but if I had a bitch I would show you-"

"She not a bitch tho." Erik said sternly in their back and forth bickering. As annoyed as Erik was ace had a point and they both knew it. Ace talked to him about everything and if he was interested in a girl Erik would be the first to know about it. Erik put his gun on safety and sat it down before digging In his back pocket to grab his phone.

He scrolled through his camera until he found his favorite picture of Israel. It was one she sent to him not to long ago, her hair was wild with tiny ringlet coils. Her lips and mouth were stained red from the dumdum that hung from it. She had her white silk night gown on and a dainty rose flower necklace that hung between her collarbone.

Erik handed him the phone and watched as he brought his fist up to his mouth. "Nigga she fine as fuck damn where you find her at?"

"A party I went to not to long ago, she was shy as fuck she would barely talk to me." Erik chuckled taking his phone back to put it back in his pocket. "We been hanging out the last few weeks, she cool." Erik said nonchalantly to make it seem like he wasn't feeling shordy as much as he was. To someone like didn't know Erik as well as ace did he would've them really thinking he didn't like her and it wasn't a big deal but ace knew.

"You feeling her?" Ace asked facing Erik now, Erik shrugged.

"Like I said she cool."

"Mm." Was all ace said. Erik didn't need to answer, ace already knew the answer.

[rwbyvein]

Firen Lhain: Chapter 1107: Cloud of Hope:  Part I / III

Rishi walked up to the bartender, "Look, we need to talk straight." he said, and the bartender just looked at him, "Someone might have come by here. I know you like keeping your mouth shut, this is the kind of woman we do NOT want around her."

"How bad could she be?" the bartender teppidly asked.

"Bad enough to take out our queen bitch." Rishi stated, and the bartender's eyes grew wide.

"She has made it a lot safer around here." the bartender said neutrally, and a pregnant pause followed. "Let me ask, red eyes, black lines?" Rishi slightly nodded. "She asked about our queen bitch."

"And what did you say?" Rishi asked.

"What I always say." the bartender simply replied. "Anyone who's against the queen is against everyone in and around the badlands. No one else said anything, either."

"And, our guest?" Rishi asked.

"Apparently went west." the bartender replied, "And all hell followed her."

* * *

"West." Rishi's head said through Taiyang's scroll, and Qrow quickly transformed and took wing. Taiyang turned towards his hover bike, and looked back to Raven. "You coming?" he asked, and she looked around nervously. "Trying to decide if you want to ride free by yourself, or cuddle up to me?" Raven scoffed but didn't say anything. "So, what did you decide?" he asked, and she augustly looked away as she walked up to him.

* * *

Taiyang smiled brilliantly as they rode along escarpment with his wife holding on behind him. Zwei was driving the other hover bike behind them with Nalai holding on from behind. It had been so long since it had simply been him and his team, going where they want to go. The escarpment rode down, and he ended up riding in the bottom of the badlands. Despite the sunlight above them, the canyons were dark and cold in the looming winter. He couldn't complain when this made Raven cuddle up even tighter.

* * *

They found themselves back up high, riding along in the sunlight, when Taiyang slowed down and turned to the side. Raven got off the bike, Taiyang quickly joining her. They looked each other in the eyes and knew they both felt it. Taiyang got back on the hoverbike as Raven used her sword to open a portal.

* * *

Qrow stepped aside as Taiyang pushed the hovebike through, Raven coming in right behind him. "So, Rae, you missed me?" he asked, and she scoffed.

"You can't feel that?" Raven asked.

"Hmm?" Qrow asked.

"The pervading sense of dread?" Taiyang asked

"Feeling is not exactly my strong suit." Qrow replied, "I've only been sober for a few months. But yeah, we got Grimm. A lot of them. Not sure if it's Her, but... we'll need to sleep at some point."

"We can call the airship?" Taiyang asked, and Raven sighed.

"We do that, and if She is here, she won't be for long." Qrow replied.

Taiyang thought for a moment, "We're not here for her."

"Yeah, but if the dragon flutters away, they won't have time to collect all the wonderful people they want to kill it." Qrow replied.

"Like I'm so thrilled about that." Taiyang stated.

"And we just leave the dragon alone?" Raven asked.

"I thought you were the run away and save yourself kind?" Qrow asked, "Not the suicidal glory kind."

This caused Raven to scoff, "If we wait for the dragon to actually destroy something, it will just keep continuing. With something like that, no one is safe."

"What's that?" Qrow asked, curiously, "You can't just hide from the end of the world?"

"I... I tried..." Raven nervously said. "We've still picked a fight with an immortal witch." With this, Qrow shrugged. "What?" Raven asked.

"Oh, she apparently can't die until she 'Learns the value of life and death.'" Qrow replied, "Considering how many times she's tried to kill herself, I think she's figured out the death part."

"So, what?" Raven asked him, "We beat her with group hugs? Kumbayah? Hippie drum circles?"

"Your guess is as good as mine." Qrow sarcastically replied. "If anyone can figure it out, it's the kids. Huh."

"What?" Raven asked.

"Kids..." Qrow stated, "Hardly kids anymore." He then shook his head, "Why do I still think of them as kids?"

"Because you're thinking like a father." Taiyang replied.

"Uncle." Raven corrected.

"Uh-huh?" Qrow asked, "And which one of us makes them run out for a hug?"

Raven looked down and breathed in, only to find herself being hugged by Taiyang.

"You'll get there." he said.

Raven then looked up at Qrow, "Not like him."

"No, like you." Taiyang stated, "One thing we can definitely say about Yang is that she cares about you."

"She hates me." Raven quickly replied.

"She's angry at you." Taiyang stated.

"She has every right to be angry." Qrow stated, and Raven gave him a deathly glare, and Taiyang looked nervous. "Just because she's pissed at you, doesn't mean she doesn't love you." He then paused before speaking under his breath, "Just the opposite." He then turned back to them, "But, we're not here to get you and Yang into a hug. We're here to get a dragon."

"Speak for yourself." Taiyang replied, and they both turned to look at him. He looked Raven deep in her eyes, "Everything I do hopes to get you and Yang back together again."

Raven looked down and spoke into his chest, "We were never together."

"Not in your arms, but in your heart." Taiyang whispered.

"Uh-huh?" Qrow asked, "When you're done cuddling, we do kind of have Grimm watching us."

"Like that's surprising at all?" Raven asked. "Did you honestly not think about what kind of opposition we'd face?" Qrow simply shrugged in reply, and Raven sighed, "Of course you didn't."

"Anyway, Grimm?" Qrow asked.

"We need to find a hole big enough for a dragon to sleep in." Raven stated. "See if he's there, and then leave as quickly as we possibly can. We have nothing to gain from hanging around for longer than we need to."

Qrow looked at her with respect while Taiyang looked at her with love.

* * *

Tai and Zwei saw Qrow circling above something and came up to a colossal cave in the valleys of the badlands. Qrow landed behind them.

"I can feel the pressure from the enmity." Raven stated.

"It definitely looks like something that could fit a dragon." Taiyang nervously stated.

"What's the matter, Tai?" Qrow asked, "You act like you have a lot to live for."

"Daughters?" Taiyang asked. "Even more now."

"Somehow they're weird relationship is more stable that one we ever had." Qrow added, and Taiyang rolled his eyes while Raven dejectedly looked away. "Not... you know how I feel about you two. I mean..."

"You mean our daughters are safe." Raven said under her breath, and Taiyang looked at her curiously. "What?" she asked.

"Our?" Qrow asked. Raven looked down once again. She breathed in deep, regaining her semblance of confidence.

"Let's do this."

"Two things before we go." Taiyang stated, and the siblings looked at him. Zwei let out an affirmative bark, "We're all coming back alive. If we don't live, there will be no one to report."

"So, one of us has to survive?" Qrow asked.

"All of us." Taiyang said with authority.

"Right, right." Qrow acquiesced. "And the second?" he asked. Taiyang instantly turned towards Raven and dipped her down for a passionate kiss. When he stood her back up and pulled away, she had a warm and distant smile.

* * *

The five of them walked into the cave. Qrow in front, sword slung over his right shoulder. Behind and to the right in the vast cavern was Raven, hand on the hilt of her sword in her scabbard. Following to the left and behind was Taiyang, looking like he could be easily startled. Zwei flanked out to the left while Nalai flanked out to the right. Zwei glowed lightly while letting out a bark that echoed and briefly flashed in the darkness, giving a quick outline.

Taiyang looked at Zwei and then Nalai, "Zwei, Nalai, keep your ears open for attacks from behind."

"Where do you think the dragon is?" Qrow asked.

"We have no idea how deep this cave is." Taiyang replied. Nalai let out a happy bark. Taiyang looked over to see a holographic map made of Hard-Light Dust floating above her. "How did you?.." Taiyang asked.

"She always has had a great sense of direction." Qrow replied.

Taiyang looked down at Nalai, "Have you always been keeping a map?" he asked, and she let out a happy bark, causing Raven to sigh.

"Problem, Rae?" Qrow asked.

"How could you not know what she's capable of?" Raven asked.

"I figured she would show me." Taiyang said, and he pet Nalai's head, "Haven't you girl?" he asked, and she let out a happy bark.

"Whatever that big thing is, it's moving towards us." Qrow stated.

"Yeah, but is it the dragon?" Taiyang asked, and a horrifying shrieking echoed off the walls, temporarily stunning them.

Raven was the first to recover, acting as if she had not been afflicted by it. She looked deep down into the blackness of the cave. "Whatever it is, it's as bad as a dragon. We don't really need to see anything more than that."

Zwei's ears snapped to the back, followed by Nalai's, and the two quickly turned to point.

Qrow turned around, sword still over his right shoulder. "I'll watch our ass, you just run away to safely."

"I can't leave you!" Taiyang cried, and Qrow sighed.

"I didn't ask you to." Qrow stated, and breathed in, "I'm unlucky enough to get out of this one. You just get us a path out of here."

Raven turned to look back and turned into a raven.

[make-me-imagine]

Red Roses: “I Love You” - Steve Rogers Ending

Valentines Special: Day Nine

Day One: Morning Glories  //  Day Two: Blue Salvias  Day Three: Sunflowers  //  Day Four: Pink Camellias  Day Five: Yellow Tulips   // Day Six: Violets  Day Seven: Lisianthus  //  Day Eight: Daffodils (Post with rest of the character endings)

Plot: It’s finally Valentines Day, the day the reader will finally learn who it is that had been leaving them flowers and notes expressing their secret feelings.

Pairing: Gen!Neutral Reader x Steve Rogers

Triggers: None        Words: 1,944 

Requested Taglist: @aquariuslavenderhoney​​, @thebookbakery​​, @fablesrose​​, @kitkatd7​​, @thefallenbibliophilequote​​, @beksib​​, @destynelseclipsa​​, @criminaly-supernatural​​, @tammythompson-singslikea-muppet, @belloangelus​​, @snarky--starky​​​, @saintbootlegloras​​, @wecallhimbrowneyess​​, @empath-bunny​​, @okkulta​​​, @katinthemoon,  @ravennight41​​​, @youcancallme-rae , @radhumandragonclam, @unfortunateidiotinadilemma, @past3l-w1ngs​​​ ,  @goinggoinggonzo​​​, @mxxnmocha​​​, @fred-deeks-ben​​​, @euphouriaszn2​​​

February 14th

Brushing your teeth, you stared into the mirror, not really looking at your own reflection, but instead stuck in your thoughts about what today might bring. It was finally Valentines Day. 

Your sleep was constantly interrupted by your restless mind throughout the night. And you woke fully just as the sun began to rise. You lied in your bed for a while, staring at your phone and trying to distract yourself. 

Eventually you got up and began to get ready, leading to now, as you distractedly brushed your teeth for ten minutes. Finally coming back to reality, you finished getting ready before you wandered out into your room. You didn’t have much work you could do, but you needed to find something to distract yourself. Otherwise you’d be pacing around anxiously all day. The party started at 8pm, you had 12 hours to deal with. 

Getting dressed, you left your room and wandered up to the lab. Expectantly, you found Bruce working at his desk. Greeting him, you went and sat at his table. He was the only one you had fully ruled out as being your admirer.  

He peaked at you from behind his glasses as you stared at him “Need something?” 

“Do you have anything I can do?” you asked “I need a distraction.”

“From what?” he asked, looking up at you entirely. 

You looked around the room, seeing a few lab assistants in an adjacent room. Leaning forward a bit you spoke quietly “Whoever it is leaving me the flowers and notes is going to show themselves today, probably at the party, but I really need a distraction Bruce, so please, anything you can give me to do to stop me from thinking about it.” You pleaded with him.

He rose his brow is surprise “I can see why you want a distraction. Uhh,” he began looking around, his yes landing on a large pile of papers and folders “Well, I have some paperwork that needs to be tidied up and filed-”

“Great, I’ll do it!” you said as you went over to the files he was looking at “These?” He nodded his head as you smiled and picked up the pile of folders and took them to an empty desk, Bruce stared after you with an amused smile before getting back to his work. 

You took your time as you sorted through the large pile of papers, sorting them into their proper folders before you file them away. Checking the clock, you were disappointed when you saw that you only spent an hour of your time. 

“Got anything else for me?” you asked Bruce.

“Uhh, I’m sorry, I really don’t” he said with a frown. You pouted as you sat down letting out a sigh “This is really driving you crazy isn’t it?” he asked.

You nodded your head “Well yeah, I mean, if you found out that one of the other Avengers had secret feelings for you it would drive you crazy wanting to know who right? Then there’s the fear that it’s someone you don’t have any feeling for” you ranted, somewhat relieved to have someone you could talk to.

“Yeah that could definitely drive me crazy. But uh, out of curiosity, what made you decide it’s not me?”

“Oh please, I know about you and Nat” you smiled at him as he turned red.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” he excused as he started flipping through the papers in front of him. 

You smirked at his reaction before you heard someone come in, looking up, you See Tony come in, who greets you with a smile “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for a distraction” Bruce answered for you.

You gave him a look before Tony wandered over “From what?” You stared at him in silence before glancing at Bruce who smiled.

“Oh what is it a secret? Or, maybe..” he smirked at you “Is it about your secret admirer friend?” 

You squinted at him “You know something I don’t?”

He turned away from you “Maybe, maybe not.”

“Tony!” you said annoyed. He glanced back at you before going into his office and closing the door. You looked at Bruce who just shrugged his shoulders. “Ugh” you exasperated before standing “I’m gonna go see if Nat has anything I can do” you said as you quickly left the lab. What did Tony know? You knew he wouldn’t tell you anything. Was it him? Did he know who it was? Or was he just teasing you?

- - -

After finding Natasha you found out that she was about to go on a quick mission for Fury to retrieve some important info from an ally organization, and after some convincing, she let you go along. You were grateful for the reason to leave the tower, but not grateful for the fact that she, apparently like Tony, knew something about your admirer. But she only hinted enough to make you curious. 

“I wish you hadn’t said anything at all” you mumbled as you arrived back at the tower having completed your delivery of the info to Fury. 

“You were the one who brought it up”

“Yeah because I wanted to vent and you told me I could. You didn’t have to say anything, you’re a spy, you could have continued making it seem like you knew nothing.” all she did was smirk at you “I hate you” you said with feigned anger.

“What did she do this time?” 

Your head shot in the direction of the voice, as Steve approached you and Nat, having heard the end of your conversation as you entered the building. Your heart began to beat rapidly “Nothing” you said, side glancing at Natasha who simply smiled at you “She’s just being her normal self” you said with sarcasm, earning a fake gasp of offension from Nat and a chuckle from Steve. 

Before Steve could pry anymore, you took a step away from them “If you’ll excuse me, I am going to take a shower before the party.” you left quickly as you tried to calm your heart. 

Out of everyone it could be, you wanted it to be Steve. But you were afraid that it wasn’t him, and the more you were around him, the more your anxiety grew that you couldn’t accept it being anyone else.

As Steve and Nat watched you walk away, Steve looked down at Nat “Does she know?”

“Nope” Nat said before looking up at him “You ready?” 

He took a deep breath “I think so.”

She smiled as she patted his arm before walking away “Good luck Cap.”

- - -

As you got ready for your shower, you still had three hours until the party, so you made sure to take a nice long shower to try and relax. After you got dressed and read, you paced around your room, watching the clock as the time for the party grew closer.

30 minutes.

Should you go up early and hang out with the others? What if Nat or Bruce told the others about what was going to happen? You couldn’t handle the questions they might bombard you with. What if it freaked whoever it was out?

20 minutes. 

You were sitting at your window now, staring out at the city, playing with the most recent note you received, having read over it a few times now. 

10 minutes

Should you go now? People are probably beginning to arrive. But then again, you could always be fashionably late...

You were distracted by a knock at your door. You stared at the door as your heart started pounding. Who was that? Natasha? There was another knock as you rose and slowly made your way to the door. You had a strange feeling take over. Was it them?

Stopping at the door for a moment, you took a deep breath before opening the door. You met Steve’s eyes as he stood at the door, smiling at you “Hey”

“H-hi” you stammered a bit as you eyes locked onto the beautiful bouquet of red roses in his hands. You looked back up at him as he handed them to you “I thought we might go down to the party together, and these, uh, are for you.”

You gently took the flowers from his hand as you met his eyes again “Why?”

He could hear the hesitance in your voice as he smiled fondly at you “Isn’t it obvious yet?”

You were hoping the heat you felt rising from your neck to your ears wasn’t as obvious as it felt. “I...it’s you?” your voice was quiet, gentle as you said it. You were afraid to assume, what if you were misunderstanding?

“Yes” he said, making a wave of relief, excitement and something akin to nausea wash over you. He took a small step closer as he reached out and fiddled with one of the roses “I didn’t write a note for these, I thought, the sentiment might be obvious, I mean, the meaning of red roses is well known right?” he asked with a hint of uncertainty. 

You tried to restrain the smile that was spreading across your face as you spoke “Yes, it is... and, do you mean it?” 

He smiled at you know “Yes, completely. As I did with everything else.”

“Who else knew?” 

“Buck, Nat, and I think Tony too, I didn’t tell him but, maybe it was obvious.”

“Obvious?”

“I mean, he’s caught me, staring at you, it’s, uh, hard not to.” he smiled bashfully.

You smiled at him, the red in his cheeks making you feel less vulnerable about yourself “I feel the same Steve.”

He seemed a bit surprised, but also relieved when you said this “Really? I mean you’re not just saying that-”

You cut him off by leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his cheek “No, I’m not just saying that, I was really hoping it was you, which was making me feel bad in case it was someone else” you let out a small chuckle.

“I was afraid I’d screw it up honestly, you almost caught me couple times actually.”

“I did?”

“Yeah” he chuckled “Especially with the Camellias, I didn’t know you were in your room, and uh, when I heard you running towards the door I panicked, and uh, climbed out the nearest window.”

“You...climbed out the window? Of the 23rd floor?” 

He shrugged as you couldn’t stop yourself from letting out a laugh “I had to wait until you left to climb back in.” he smiled as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand as you let out another laugh “Oh my God Steve, I’m sorry.” you tried to repress your giggles. 

“Don’t apologize.” he smiled, pausing for a moment “I love your laugh.”

You smiled bashfully at him before he suddenly leaned forward, taking your chin in his hand “And I love you.” he finally admitted in words, before he leaned in and kissed you. It was short, but made butterflies explode in your stomach. 

When he pulled away he let out a small sigh “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.” 

“Well you can do it whenever you want now.” you said with a small chuckle making him grin. 

You saw Steve glance behind you, “We’re gonna be late.”

You glanced back at your clock and saw that the party had started by now, turning back to Steve, you watched as he moved to the side and brought out his arm for you to take “Shall we?”

You grinned as you closed the door before looping your arm through his “Of course.”

xx xx xx xx xx

I hope you liked it! And the rest of the series itself :) Please consider reblogging and checking out the other endings :)

[onlyforthebabes]

✨HL playlists by onlyforthebabes✨

(Edited to include 🎵when you know you know (HL6), 🎵close enough to touch (HL11), 🎵burnt romances (HL13), and 🎵too far gone (HL18))

This post is long overdue, but I've finally made a master list of all the HL playlists I've published here. They're listed in the order I created them, so there are some gaps in the numbers where I haven't posted (or maybe even finished) some, but I'll update if I ever publish more! I've put a lot of thought and time and love into these playlists, so I really hope y'all find something to enjoy here.

✨🎶

🎵a truth so loud

HL. The OG. A canon inspired playlist based on some of the most iconic H/L songs. (ft. 1D, Troye Sivan, Ed Sheeran, Lorde)

🎵honey (make this easy)

HL2. There’s no denying the chemistry between them from the moment they meet - so they don’t even try. While discretely hooking up with a fellow X Factor hopeful sounds like just another part of the fun, it’s hard to ignore that this thing between them is way more than physical, and “X Factor hopefuls” has become wholly inadequate to describe where they’re going. But in the midst of all the chaos, it’s hard to resist something this good. (ft. 1D, Hozier, Lizzo, Carly Rae Jepson)

🎵no matter how sweet, no matter how brave

HL3. New fame, new friends, new feelings. Jealousy gives way to mutual infatuation, which evolves into steadfast love. Growing up too fast doesn’t feel so scary when you’ve got someone to hold onto. (ft. 1D, Fleetwood Mac, Niall Horan, The Head and the Heart)

🎵Entirely

HLFOUR. Coming soon. (ft. 1D, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson)

🎵when you know you know

HL6. It's all about that one person... (ft. 1D, Maria Mena, Yellowcard, Beyoncé)

🎵one foot in sea and one on shore

HL10. A traveling sailor whose sense of home is the familiar warmth of local bars, a charming bartender in a seaside village, and a brief affair that leaves them both longing for a life far from everything they know. (ft. Regina Spektor, Bright Eyes, Feist, The Format)

🎵close enough to touch

HL11. Love can be frightening, for sure. (girl!direction) (ft. 1D, Louis Tomlinson, Hozier, Jake Scott)

🎵sunset couldn't save me now

HL12. Part-time suburban youth, summertime neighbors growing up together and blurring the lines of love and friendship; chasing dreams, traveling the world, and figuring out that sometimes home is a person. (ft. Sufjan Stevens, Vampire Weekend, Regina Spektor, Neutral Milk Hotel)

🎵burnt romances

HL13. A canon-compliant au where everything goes wrong, but love finds a way. (ft. The Weepies, Lewis Capaldi, Bleachers, The Head and the Heart)

🎵fell in love with the fire

HL14. Harry's long since accepted that fame comes with a closet. But a chance encounter with a friend from a past life may change everything (or, an au about identity, fame, missed connections, and giving love a chance) (ft. Florence and the Machine, Maren Morris, St. Vincent, Sam Smith)

🎵trip and i fall in

HL15. Undeniable chemistry turns a spontaneous hookup into fast friendship (with some pretty nice benefits). They know from the start it’s not exclusive, but that doesn’t stop anyone from catching feelings. (ft. Zayn, Ariana Grande, Brockhampton, Selena Gomez)

🎵learning to breathe

HL16. Harry and Louis have always been best friends, even within their close-knit group. Closeted, small town kids with little experience, an innocent first kiss turns into an agreement: to experimentally "date" in secret until high school ends. When it’s time to move on, they do. But as the years pass, they can never quite figure out how to let go. (ft. Maisie Peters, Julia Michaels, Lana del Rey, Lauv)

🎵too far gone

HL18. Love, illness, religion, and fear. A kiss between friends on a quiet winter's day changes everything. (ft. Sufjan Stevens, Brand New, Haley Heynderickx, Phoebe Bridgers)

🎵if i'm butter...

HL19. Louis’ an art student who spends his days wandering the city in search of inspiration while his hot-but-elusive craigslist roommate works ungodly hours as a baker. When the pandemic hits and the two near strangers are suddenly quarantined together, they find themselves growing closer in more ways than one. (ft. Relient K, BENEE, Fiona Apple, Samsa)

🎵pretend it isn't strange

HL20. A hopeless wanderer, lost and disillusioned with life, finds himself taken in by a small mountainside community: a friendly local band, a safe place to rest his head, and a stranger who makes it feel like home. Together they learn to let love grow. (ft. Wild Rivers, Ben Howard, Town Meeting, Birdtalker )

🎵yesterday (when you were young)

HL21. Coming soon (ft. Jon Bellion, AJR, Raleigh Ritchie, fun.)

🎵coming up lavender

HL22. New friends who feel like old ones, long drives home up the coast, and finding love in every color. Or, a girl!direction college road trip au (ft. Gretta Ray, dodie, Ingrid Michaelson, Mitski)

🎵it is what it is (till it ain't anymore)

HL23. An impending marriage, a secret affair, and either fate or bad timing. Harry and Louis fall in love one summer in rural Georgia. Years later, they meet again. (ft. Shania Twain, Kacey Musgraves, Gregory Alan Isakov, Andrew Bird)

And lastly, the playlists I've made based on other peoples' stories:

nothing but you on my mind 🎶for Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again. (ft. dodie, Julia Michaels, Dermot Kennedy, Lewis Capaldi)

little by little 🎶for Little by Little by @absoloutenonsense

Harry Styles is an omega who works at the London Planetarium, has lived in the same flat for ages, and is happy enough on his own. When he gets home from his first (horrible) attempt at dating in years, a new pregnant neighbor knocks on his door after smelling his cooking. He and Louis quickly become close, but their friendship gets complicated when Harry begins questioning who he is and what he likes. Or Harry discovers figuring out who you are is more complicated than a potato metaphor. (ft. Jordy Searcy, Bruno Major, Lizzy McAlpine, Sleeping at Last)

love after the end of the world 🎶for Love After the End of the World by @mercurial-madhouse

When staying alive is already a constant battle, the deadliest weakness is to be in love. For Harry and Louis, finding each other sits on top of the endless list of What Else Could Go Wrong. (ft. Bastille, Hozier, Fall Out Boy, Lorde)

[srose-foxfire]

“First Impressions” Part: 5 (Damirae)

Damian was glad his school day had finally ended. He was grateful he didn’t have to stay after for study groups, all he wanted was to be in his room and polish his sword. That was one of his favorite past times, his grandfather was an excellent swordsman though his father didn’t agree at it first he allowed Damian to receive lessons from his grandfather. Lessons in which were quoted as ‘self-defense,’ being a Wayne and the heir to his father’s company could one day misfortunes in which someone could try taking his life for money. His own father had to deal with similar hardships in the past and made sure his children received training in protecting themselves. Bruce had just hoped Damian had been taught by someone else, other than Ra’s Al Ghul.

Damian stretched out as much as he could in the limousine, while Alfred drove them back to the manor. He looked out the window, in four months he was going to graduate from Gotham Academy, then go off to Gotham University. Time seemed to pass more quickly now, before he even realizes it, he will be named CEO of Wayne Industries. His life goal’s, for the past few months he been debating if he could maybe have more than just inheriting his father’s company. Damian may never say it out load or even speak to his family about it, but Damian dreamed of having a family of his own. A wife and children, he would give his life for. Damian closed his eyes for a moment and just imagined what his future could be, and then she appeared. Raven.

The young Wayne unlocked his phone and opened up his photo gallery. He scrolled down to find the picture he had taken that one winter night. Raven had dared him to take a picture of their drinks together. It was silly thing but for her, Damian would do anything. Raven had been standing so close trying to make sure he got a perfect shot, at some pint Damian wanted to tell her she could lean onto his shoulder for comfort. But that idea quickly died.

Damian sighed, making Alfred look at him from the rearview mirror. “Everything alright, Master Damian?”

“Just lost in thought, nothing to concern yourself with Pennyworth.”

“Alright then. By any chance are you going to work on any school assignments when we arrive?”

“I finished every assignment already, I wanted to keep my weekend free so I can focus on other matters.”

“So, I assume you will be free?” Alfred shot Damian a quick glance over the rearview mirror again and the young Wayne only nodded at him. “I was wondering if you would help me with a small favor Miss Cass had left me with before she had left to buy some items for tonight.”

Damian didn’t want to do some chore Cass should had taken care herself instead handing it off to Alfred. “Sure, what would you like me to help in?”

“If you could help me entertain Miss Raven, till your sisters arrived?”

What?

Raven was at the manor? Well that changes things. Damian did everything he could so he wouldn’t start grinning. Now that, would cause Alfred to question why the mention of his sisters’ friend would please him so much.  

When they arrived at the manor, Damian literally sprinted the steps towards the main doors. He speed-walked towards his room and threwhis bagpack not caring wherever it landed. Not wanting to waste any time, he didn’t bother changing out of his school uniform and ran to the one place he would always find Raven cooped up. The manor’s library. As he neared, he started slowing his pace as thousand thoughts bashed one another in his mind, what could they converse? Could they read a book together, could they talk about how their week had gone by, or-

Damian stopped when he heard that little battle tune, he knew too well thanks to Jon. He peeked his head from the doorway and found Raven cross-legged on a couch, looking down at her phone as she cursed under her breath. The game she was playing announced her hero had been slain, she let out an annoyed grunt and moved to place a lock of her hair behind her ear.

Damian came in and leaned against the doorway crossing his arms. Raven hadn’t noticed his presence just yet as she went to continue playing. She looked so cute. She was dressed in black tights and a navy-blue skirt, with a tucked in long button-white sleeve. Damian had to contain a chuckled when he noticed Raven was wearing miss-match socks. He liked the idea that Raven felt safe and comfortable to be in Wayne Manor, feel she can be herself with his whole family. Damian looked up when he heard Raven cursed again when the game announced she been slain again.

“I wouldn’t have imagined you be a gamer.” Damian said so calmly.

Raven looked up from her phone, “oh, hi Damian. I’m not much a gamer but Jon kind of got me into this game.” Damian could had sworn he saw her cheeks just flush a little. Raven sighed heavily in defeat, she looked up to Damian as he raised a brow. “Actually, I hear you’re a good assassin so maybe you can help me with my assassin hero? I keep getting myself killed.”

“My pleasure.” Damian walked over and watched as Raven scooted so he could sit down. Damian had to hold his breath in to make sure he still was in control of his body. He was afraid he start turning red or worse his heart would beat so loudly all of Gotham would know his secret affection towards her. Damian carefully took Raven’s phone and looked at what she was planning to do with this particular hero. “Well first mistake you did was you didn’t choose the correct battle spell; assassins rely on jungle in order to build quickly and cause more damage.”

“So, this spell is useless for her?”

“Somewhat, you used a spell that mainly used by mages and supports. What were you planning to build?”

“Cut me some slack! I normally mage so I had no idea what would be best!” Raven lightly punched his shoulder as she watched him sell some of the items she had previously build and prioritize buying other items.

“Next time build for these items; this one specifically will help you greatly to deal more damage and make use of her passive, she deals allot of damage when she is in stealth.” Damian demonstrated the assassin’s passive and gaining him a kill, a player from the enemy side got neared hoping to avenge their fallen comrade. Damian activated the assassin’s ultimate skill with little health, but now with greater power output was able to kill the enemy hero.

“You’re a better teacher than Jon. Thanks Damian.”

“I’m surprised you think so, Jon was actually the one to get me into this game.” Damian peeked over to find Raven was awfully close to him. He cleared his throat, “are you’re here for a sleepover?”

“Mm.” Raven continue to lean closer, her head was practically laying on his shoulder now. Damian was praying his face wouldn’t flush or that she wouldn’t hear his heart wanting to beat loudly. “Can I actually confess something to you?”

Damian helped the team win the match, he then handed Raven back her phone so she could receive her awards. “Please go ahead.”

“I am not sure if I will be welcomed after today.” Raven said silently, “when your sisters arrive, I plan to tell them the truth about Jasper Sky. I’m afraid they may get very upset with me and not want to be friends anymore. Which I understand, I did lie to them.” Raven turned off her phone and stared straight ahead, lost in thought.

Damian could tell this scared her, he didn’t know if she needed this from him, but he had to let her know she wouldn’t lose everything after today. He wanted to make sure Raven knew she still had a friend. “I will be your friend, so you still have me. Besides, if you tell them the truth and explain why you had to invent the perfect boyfriend like Jasper Sky, I’m sure they will understand. My sisters aren’t the type to hold grudges.”

“I hope you’re right, I like being friends with your sisters and… I like being your friend too. Damian, I want you to know that I am here for you as well. So, don’t hesitate in asking me for help.”

Damian could only nod at her, Raven turned her phone back on, she clicked a tab that allowed her to view the builds for each of the hero’s she played with. Damian watched her save the build he had built for her and saving it. He could only continue stare at her. Realization kicked in. Damian needed to tell her, now more than ever he needed to come clean of his own feelings for her. “Raven I-”

“We’re home!” Stephanie called out down from the hallway. Great his sisters were home.He almost had the chance to, to what? Tell Raven he loved her right before she may lose two friends? What was going on in his mind?!

“Rae-rae where are you?” Stephanie called out again somewhere down the hallway.

“She’s here Steph!” Both Damian and Raven looked up to find Cass at the doorway, holding plastic bags filled to the brim with facials masks and other cosmetics Damian assumed were for their sleepover. “Rae, I hope you’re excited for our slumber party! Sorry Dami no boys allowed. Well unless you let us give you a complete makeover.”

“Not in a million years.” Damian said so sternly.

“C’mon Rae, let’s get this party started!” Cass shouted cheerfully and she did a little wiggling dance with the bags swaying back and forth.

Raven exited the game and opened the messaging application, “I will be there in a bit, let me just send my mom a quick text and let her know that you guys arrived already.”

“No problem, Steph and I will get my room set-up. Don’t take too long.”

Damian watched his sister exit and then turned to watch Raven smile turn into a frown. “You okay?”

Raven clicked send to a message she had previously written out, she then looked up to him. Her amethyst eyes were on the brink of shedding tears. “Can you be there? I mean can you wait outside in case it goes bad and I lose them as friends? I don’t think I will be able to do this alone and I-”

“Raven.” Damian went and grabbed her hands in his. He gave her a gentle smile before pulling her in. He let go one hand and wrapped it around her back, pressing Raven tightly against him. “I am here for you.”

Raven whimpered and was clearly fighting off her tears. She was able to wriggle one hand free and wrap it around him tightly. “Thank you, Damian.”

~~~~~~

A/N: I hoped you all enjoyed this update. Again we are drawing near to the end to “First Impressions”. I am very excited to share with you all what I have planned for this particular fic. What started out as a one-shot turned to multiple parts. Anyone wondering the mobile game I been referencing is called “Mobile Legends” (I am currently very much into 😅) Next update will be for “Under an Autumn Moonlight” and afterwards the first two chapters for my Dark Robin Au Fic. 

Till next time and thank you all for reading!

~~S.Rose 

[kexing]

Venji has always been endgame: Benji’s attraction to Victor

the first thing I really need people to understand is that Benji is not watching the show, he’s not seeing things through Victor’s point of view, and for the most part of the season he has no idea Victor is struggling with his sexuality. from Benji’s point of view, Victor is straight and into Mia. that’s how I’m going to be analyzing his thoughts and actions (well, guessing mostly because he does lack screen time and insight moments. hopefully we’ll get more of him in season two!!)

btw I’m gonna break it down episode by episode because I’m insane (and I also feel strangely connected to Benji so don’t @ me)

Episode 1 - Welcome to Creekwood

as I’ve mentioned before, you can interpret Benji’s “nice shoes!” line as interest. but even if you’re not willing to do that, I still think it’s valid to consider that he might’ve felt some kind of immediate connection to Victor (if episodes 2 and 3 are any indication of that. and the Call Me Maybe lyrics).

Episode 2 - Stoplight Party

the “Benji attempts to teach Victor how to make a espresso” scene is very much about Victor’s attraction to Benji so I don’t wanna look too much into it. also Benji comes off as (at least for me!) a very attentive and loving person, so his dedication to teaching Victor felt very genuine. but still like...... he did get lost in Victor’s eyes for a moment before the milk spilled akdjksdjjs

then at the end of the episode Benji calls Victor late at night (he even apologizes for that) when he could’ve called Victor at any other time or could’ve just told him at school. and well, (I may be reaching here but headcanons are always good!!) I like to believe Benji couldn’t stop thinking about Victor, which is why he decided to call. for some unknown reason he already feels connected to Victor and wanted to hear his voice and—

let me stop here before I write a whole fanfic because that’s not the purpose of this post.

Episode 3 - Battle of the Bands

oh boy, I’m gonna try to unpack this episode, hopefully I’ll make some sense. I’m very sorry if I fail!

so, Victor and Benji have the Call Me Maybe (cutest) moment, in which Victor tells Benji that he’s going on a date with Mia the next day.

Now. I need you to remember that Victor explicitly told Benji that he and Mia wouldn’t go to the Battle of the Bands and that Benji had already performed when Victor got there and only performed again because his band won the battle (so I’m pretty sure Victor wasn’t supposed to hear the Call Me Maybe cover). therefore this wasn’t Benji confessing his feelings to Victor. if anything, I believe it was his way of dealing with the intense and ever-growing feelings that he has for Victor through his biggest passion (music), pretty much like making a reference to something that you know no one else will understand (since for everyone else it’s just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop).

but then Victor eventually shows up and hears Benji singing Call Me Maybe and for him it’s definitely not just a Carly Rae Jepsen bop anymore. it’s their song

after the performance, it looks like Benji is going to talk to him about it, maybe to try and make it seem like it’s no big deal (since he thinks Victor is into Mia, and he himself is in a long term relationship) but Derek appears and we’re all left heartbroken (Simon & his friends included).

what I’m trying to say is: they are two halves of the same idiot. while Victor is in denial of his sexuality and attraction to Benji, Benji is in denial of his growing feelings for Victor. we love this denial duo

Episode 4 - The Truth Hurts

not much to say about this one BUT. at the beginning of the episode you can see how Victor and Benji are working totally in sync, to the point where they barely need words like the freaking soulmates that they are. honestly, I’m done pretending they aren’t soulmates because this show just kept shoving that into our faces over and over and if you failed to see it then it’s not my problem (or maybe it is since I’m literally spending my time trying to explain exactly that. but I just care too much about these two and I want people to understand why).

then Derek calls and Benji picks up lovingly because he’s a loving person and a caring boyfriend and even though he might be struggling with his feelings for Victor, he’s not about to neglect his boyfriend (shame we can’t say the same thing about Derek) (no I will not stop throwing shade at him).

Episode 5 - Sweet Sixteen

I could try and say several things about this one but for real, BENJI DREW VICTOR AND GAVE HIM THE DRAWING AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT. like! this stupidly artistic boy!!!!!!!!! this stupidly caring boy!!!!!!!!! he could’ve bought Victor literally anything or not even bothered to think of a gift At All, but he took the time to DRAW VICTOR LIKE ONE OF HIS FRENCH BOYS!!!!! what am I supposed to do with this knowledge!!!!

now I’m imagining Benji observing Victor. the way the light hits his face, how his shoulders move, the shape of his hands....... all the while telling himself it’s just to draw Victor!!!!! but that’s still beautiful and frankly thirsty nonetheless.

p.s I was robbed of a scene like that.

Episode 6 - Creekwood Nights

not much to say about this one except the show blatantly telling us that Derek can be real shitty sometimes. also, I wanna talk about Venji’s dynamics throughout the show so bad but it deserves a post of its own so I’m gonna hold my tongue.

Episode 7 - What Happens In Willacoochee

(stays in Willacoochee or maybe it will haunt your gay ass all the way to New York).

oh boy, this is where shit starts going down for real.

so Victor kisses Benji. I’m not going to defend Victor because what he did was reckless and dumb and frankly disrespectful. but I need to say that it was going to happen sooner or later because when you repress something too hard and for too long, it’s bound to come back with full force and explode in your face. I really wish it was in a different circumstance, of course, but also life isn’t always made of perfect situations and shit happens. (and nope, that does not excuse Victor’s actions).

now think about Benji. he’s been struggling with his feelings for Victor, who as far as he knows is straight and in a relationship, and then suddenly Victor kisses him. my best guess (due to his reaction to Victor’s speech in episode 10) is that he thinks Victor isn’t being serious about it, that in no moment that kiss meant anything but curiosity and recklessness, when they both have people to lose (again, he doesn’t know that Victor struggles with his sexuality, much less that Victor has feelings for him).

so yeah, I believe Benji was upset, not only with Victor though, but with himself.

(I’ll come back to this in a second)

no Benji in episode 8 so.......

Episode 9 - Who The Hell Is B

Benji decides to leave the coffee shop. Victor tells him that the kiss wasn’t his fault and Benji says that being around Victor makes him feel guilty, now why is that?

firstly because he’s not a psychopath and the fact that he cheated on Derek makes him feel guilty. but I do believe that that’s not the only thing that makes him feel guilty. deep down he liked kissing Victor. he likes Victor, he’s been doing his best to keep that buried but Victor had to go and complicate things, so now the only way to avoid making a bigger mess is staying as far away as possible from each other. so he runs back to the safety of his relationship with Derek.

(listen, I know the show makes it seem like Benji is super angry and wants nothing to do with Victor but I don’t believe that’s the case. he’s upset and feeling guilty for liking someone else, denial does make you act very hostile sometimes).

Episode 10 - Spring Fling

Benji’s denial continues but (thankfully) it won’t last much longer.

he goes to the bathroom and tells Victor that he’s read his letter and that he does forgive him for kissing him but that that doesn’t change anything, that it’s best for them to stay away from each other.

that’s until he hears Victor’s speech to Derek (which was more to Benji than Derek so). that’s the moment he realizes that Victor actually likes him, that the kiss as cursed as it was had meant something, that they both feel exactly the same thing. that’s what gives him courage to finally accept that he can’t be with Derek anymore because his heart belongs to someone else. (has belonged to Victor from the moment they met) akdjskdjsj someone please tell me to shut up

which leads us to the bench kiss(es) scene. now, these boys are a whole mess because Victor was still technically dating Mia (he did try to come out to her before, couldn’t do it so he decided to come out after the Spring Fling) (good intention, poor execution).

But I also believe this was just lazy writing and they wanted to have a scene where Mia catches Victor and Benji together. it could’ve been done better, they could’ve been just touching foreheads or something but they wanted the full drama so the kiss(es) happened. I’m taking 50 points away from the writers for this. (also does not excuse Victor or Benji since they literally met halfway. these idiots are so in love wtf!)

(I still love them though, and hope they do better in the future, for themselves and for each other).

anyway, I think that’s it! if you read up until this point: thank you so much!!!! I tried my best to understand and explain Benji since the show said fuck Benji stans. hope this helps!

— love, MJ

[seunqs]

[ a long get to know me tag ]

tagged by: losers @woosohn @yeonjuins

what day is your birthday?

27th june! it’ll be on a monday next year

what’s your favourite colour?

blue! a rather specific shade of light sky blue but i also like dark blue! might be misleading because everyone would think beige/black since that’s the aesthetic i like + almost everything i own is black...

what’s your lucky number?

i don’t have one i think but i tend to say 7 if i’m asked?

do you have any pets?

sadly no >:( will get one in the future idc idc

how tall are you?

158cm tiny i wna be abit taller

how many pairs of shoes do you own?

off my head i think 3 pairs...? just 2 black and 1 white that i rotate depending on the outfit i’m wearing

favorite song?

asdjekw i don’t think i have one specific one but recently i’ve been listening to maniac by nct doyoung & haechan!

other honourable mentions: a book of love by ha hyunsang, wide eyed blind by saint raymond, irreplaceable by nct dream, lmly by jackson wang. that’s all i have off my head

favorite movie?

surprisingly i’m not big on movies... but i’ll always answer parent trap when someone asks! why do i sound like i always have prepared answers in my head for various questions... okay that’s bc i do.

what would be your ideal partner?

@june look away i already know you’re gna say this sounds a lot like someone..

shy... is the main characteristics lmao idky it’s not even like i’m outgoing but i tend to find myself liking shy-er boys over the outgoing ones! aaa those with very obvious leadership qualities and quietly cares and looks out for those around them :’) tsundere! i think shy may appear cold sometimes but i’m rly :’) when the shy ones become very affectionate in private or when you get to know them better :’) or shy with strangers but very goofy and silly with their closer social circle heh those that are more cat-like than dog-like, only approaches you when they’re comfy. okay also shy but willing to speak up when necessary! doesn’t let themselves get bullied for being quiet and also pls speak up for me i hate ordering food pls do it for me HAHAHHA also if they’re passionate about something they like/are good at! good listeners too heh doesn’t need to always have the best advice, just if they would sit with me silently and listen to me and give me a hug afterwards :’’’’’) i think i’m on the touchier side too so if they don’t dislike that it’ll be nice! OH someone who’s good at cooking too bc i hate cooking and the kitchen in general.. i’ll do the dishes though HAHAHAH ok that is all there is a certain idol in my head that is the embodiment of my ideal type and i hate him >:(

do you want children?

no... not so much bc i don’t find them cute or i can’t handle them but i think it’s a commitment that scares me! bringing up the child well with the right character and values ajksdbwkje i don’t know if i’m up to that HAHAHAH

have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nope @woosohn @yeonjuins pls be proud of my direct no why are the two of you......... 

bath or shower?

shower! i don’t know if i’ve actually taken a bath before... probably when i was younger HAHAH i think i’ll get bored in the bath and i much rather be relaxing in bed than in the tub

what color socks are you wearing?

barefoot at the moment! the socks i own are mostly solid colour socks / simple cartoon or animal patterns but all ankle socks that can’t be seen with my shoes

favorite type of music?

i listen to pop, r&b and indie! that’s about all and favourite depends on the mood!

how many pillows do you sleep with?

just 1! and a bolster too

what position do you sleep in?

either on my back with hand over my head lmao or turned to either sides while hugging my bolster and face buried into the bolster

what you don’t like when you’re sleeping?

when it’s too hot! canNOT sleep if the weather is too hot. also if i get woken up rudely, by screaming or someone smacking me awake LMAO just tell me nicely to get up and i’ll be out of bed in 10mins pls give me awhile my brain is turning on HAHAHA

what do you have for breakfast?

recently i haven’t woken up early enough for bfast or my family is just about to go out to buy lunch by the time i’m up hahaha but on the days that i’m alive for bfast, iced coffee and any pastry sitting in the fridge! my family is big on pastries like croissants and cakes like banana and carrot cakes! so one of those but the iced coffee is a constant in my first meal of the day

have you ever tried archery?

nope and idt i’ll be good at it tbh....

favorite fruit?

strawberries, apples, peaches! there are some seasonal favs where i rly like them for a period of time and then suddenly not anymore but these 3 are the constants

favorite swear word?

hahahaha i dont think i have a favourite one..... but i say tf a lot and mf for kpop boys who make me more flustered than they should

do you have any scars?

i don’t think so! i have a few stretch marks around my waist and tummy tho 

are you a good liar?

yes... HAHAH i used to get scolded so much for lying as a kid lmfao

what’s your personality type?

isfj-t has probably only dipped to isfp-t once but if not constant isfj!

what’s your favorite type of girl?

HAHAHAH uh.... okay with all kinds i think? except people in general who try too hard

innie or outie?

innie. was this question necessary tho AHHAHAHA

left or right-handed?

right-handed

favorite food?

ramen! but i like lots of food lmfao tiramisu, pork belly, lots of noodles, also lots of rice, beef, cakes, ice cream, i think i’m more salty > sweet!

favorite foreign food?

japanese ramen, korean cuisine!, lasagne

are you clean or messy?

clean

most used phrase?

i think alot of keyboard smashes, lmao, wtf, HAHAHAHHAHA, sigh, i’m tired LOL

how long does it take for you to get ready?

depends! fastest i think i can get out of the house 20mins after i’ve woken up. longest probably an hour where outfit is taking a while and accessories needs to be chosen

do you talk to yourself?

in my head yes.

do you sing to yourself?

not often but i sing out loud for the family to hear LOL in my head very often a song is playing up there

are you a good singer?

nop. i don’t think i’m a BAD singer but wouldn’t classify as good either HAHHAHA

biggest fear?

wow so many things but i think biggest is complete darkness, i need to see and know what is going on around me. i sleep with a night light on heh 

are you a gossip?

with closer friends yes def HAHAH my school culture tends to have lots of tea that my friends and i don’t like to get too involved in but we do talk about the gossips that goes around hahaha have also been in the center of gossip way too often

do you like long or short hair?

long! can’t imagine myself with short hair.. used to have reallllyyy long hair that goes beyond my waist and cried when i cut it to slightly below shoulder length. that’s the shortest i’ll ever go

favourite school subject?

wow nothing i don’t like school lmfao but humanities and language are way more bearable than math and sciences

extrovert or introvert?

introverted

what makes you nervous?

unpredictable situations, being alone in public (contradictory because in private i would strongly prefer to be alone but i don’t enjoy being alone in public i feel judged HAHAHA), also currently waiting on a reply for something and that’s been keeping me anxious the past 2 days :’)

who was your first real crush?

when i was 13/14, tablemate in school that was kinda shy and had very limited social circle but talked to me endlessly in class lmfao he apparently liked me too but we never dated and went to different schools at 16 y/o. we’re still kinda in touch though! we talked quite a fair bit last month just catching up but he’s more of an acquaintance now

how many piercings do you have?

2! just one normal lobe piercing on either ears, don’t think i’ll get anymore

how fast can you run?

back in school i used to be one of the fastest girls in my class LMFAO i could clock 12.5 minutes for a 2.4km run. stamina came from dancing since i had to run laps before dance class 2 times a week. but that is long in the past and now i get tired from climbing more than 4 flights of stairs pls spare me

what color is your hair?

naturally black but dyed brown! my hair has grown quite abit since i dyed it though now its black at the top and brown from above my ears onwards

what color are your eyes?

a very dark brown lmfao almost black

what makes you angry?

irresponsible people. just pushing responsibility to others or avoiding their responsibilities. don’t need you to do a good job with your responsibilities, just don’t make your issues my issues. and if its a shared responsibility like group projects, then do your part to contribute and don’t expect others to cover you

selfish people, in many ways. just being self-centred, not caring about how others feel, doing things for personal gain at the expense of others

speaking in a passive-aggressive/sarcastic manner. i say this even though i’m afraid of confrontation but i much rather someone outright tells me they’re unhappy about something or wants to get a point across. i hate when they talk about it sarcastically or tries to sugar-coat their words to make themselves look less aggressive about their words. tell me straight as it is, if you’re already gonna talk about something bad don’t piss me off with your attitude at the same time

do you like your own name?

rae is nice! has a very nice ring to it and looks pretty!

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?

i don’t.. want one.. but both have their good and bad i can’t decide.. i want a puppy

what are your strengths?

is this an interview question i have had a few interviews over the past weeks i am well-prepared for this HAHAHA

i think i’m pretty resilient! i bounce back from bad times pretty quickly or i psycho myself to see the situation positively. but it is ofc coupled with a lot of complaining to the people around me first

although i hate unpredictable situations and having to quickly adapt to new settings, i think i adapt pretty quickly too. flexible? easy-going? idk what’s the right way to call it but yeah something along those lines. good at it but i still enjoy my stability and calm don’t want to have to quickly adapt to new situations.

what are your weaknesses?

very emotional HAHAH used to be much worse but i often let my emotions rule my head. i think i’ve improved A LOT though i used to be so bad but i think i’m now able to make rational decisions even if im bawling LMFAO

this sounds like a compliment but i’ve been told this too often as well. i tend to be way too nice to people who don’t deserve it. even if the person doesn’t deserve it or they’ve pushed all my buttons in the wrong way possible, i would still try to be as nice and polite as i can. really helps with me working in the f&b industry lmfao.

what’s the colour of your bedspread?

dark blue / grey! 

colour(s) of your room?

white & wood (throughout my house actually + green from the plants in the living room) @yeonjuins says i live in a muji showroom

[its-bound-to-get-loud]

Why I believe 5SOS didn’t work as a pop-punk band (+ my opinion on THAT Rolling Stone article)

This title of this post may be an unpopular opinion for a lot of you. But I don’t believe 5SOS worked as a pop-punk band. In this post I will explain exactly why. I hope that even if you don’t agree, you will at least understand my POV. This post is probably gonna have a lot of text. Not a lot of links, videos or pictures involved. I hope it will still be interesting for you. All of this is just my personal opinion, I have no way of proving that this is 100% true. It’s just a careful deduction of things I’ve seen and thought about over the last few months, mixed with some personal opinions. With this post I’m trying to tackle some topics that are being talked about often and showing them in a different light. I’ve put quite a lot of time into writing this, so I’m hoping you will appreciate it. Finally a huge, massive thank you to my friend R for proofreading this, it means a lot to me.

To start things off, I’ve had quite a lot of thoughts about this topic: I don’t think 5SOS truly worked as a pop-punk band. The image didn’t fit them and it wasn’t right for their era. It was a fun sound, I enjoy listening to it, they probably even enjoyed making it. Obviously fans enjoyed it as well. I fully believe that when they first started, pop-punk is what the guys wanted to sound like. It’s the music they listened to, those were the bands they looked up to. When they got signed they had not been a band for a super long time, they were young and barely had any experience in both life and music. I’m not someone with an extensive knowledge of pop-punk groups, but from what I know a lot of these bands were misfits, outcasts. People who didn’t feel like they had a place in society. In some cases from broken homes, with bad childhoods, etc. That’s who they were and it’s what their music was about.

I’d say 5SOS as whole do fit those characteristics. They were from a small town where music wasn’t really a career for most people. So they felt the need to get out of their town and pursue music. Michael dropped out of school for music, Ashton obviously had a very difficult home situation. Calum has mentioned that his family didn’t have a lot of money when he was younger. I’m not sure how the situation was for the others. But besides this, everyone but Ashton came from a stable home, Calum’s parents separated later on. So I can see why the guys related to these pop punk bands put out songs about this. Especially when you’re a teenager you often feel misunderstood by everyone else.

But when 5SOS started they looked more like a boyband than a pop punk band. Their earliest songs were mostly love songs. While the boys might have felt like being a pop punk band, and maybe even considered themselves to be one, I would say they were more of a pop/pop rock band.

In some cases a label can mold an artist or band into a certain image upon signing. But 5SOS had already gathered a following before they were even signed, so molding them into a rougher pop-punk image right upon signing would not have worked, it would not have been organic. They probably didn’t want to alienate the fans they already had, because they were valuable in getting the word out about 5SOS.

Their first manager, Adam Wilkinson, didn’t seem to think 5SOS would work as a pop-punk band as well. Just look at these quotes taken from That infamous 2015 Rolling Stone article (I will not link it, because I despise it, just google if you feel the need to read it).

“While they cannot cross into the realm of pop punk, they can stand on the sidelines and capture the end of that market.”

“They always wanted to be Blink 182 or Good Charlotte, but I’ll be the first to admit I thought that was shooting too far,” says Wilkinson. “We tried to make them a little more pop.”

That last quote is basically what happened. 5SOS ended up connected to One Direction, a huge pop act at the time. A connection that wasn’t as much of a “coincidence” as they wanted to make it look like. Louis was never the one to truly discover 5SOS, this was simply a smart PR decision to connect 5SOS to the 1D fanbase and grow their audience. I highly suggest reading this post that lays out exactly how 5SOS came to get signed and how their connection to 1D began. You will see that there is clear evidence that it didn’t happen like they wanted us to believe.

And let’s be real. Take a look at this early 5SOS picture. Does this look like the next Green Day or All Time Low? They all look like the boy next door, with maybe the exception of Michael. Basically they had the looks of a boyband, and while they never have been a traditional boyband (and certainly aren’t now), they certainly were marketed as one early on. This is a label that still sticks to them to this day.

I fully believe that their team (management/record label) tried to slowly evolve them into a more pop-punk image as they got bigger. They couldn’t ride the 1D train forever and had to stand on their own 2 feet. That’s where we arrive at the Sounds Good Feels Good era. This is a fascinating era for me, because there is a shift. Their looks start changing, suddenly they slowly become rockstars, piercings start happening. The boys are growing up. They are old enough to drink, girls are in the picture, etc. Musically it’s also clear that their sound is changing. The self-titled album is still fairly pop-rock, 1D but a little edgier perhaps. Sounds Good Feels Good is the more pop-punk album. But is it really? Because as most fans will know, the album knows 2 sounds. It has the clear pop-punk bops, such as Money or Safety Pin (to name a few), but there’s also some songs that already predict the sound for Youngblood such as, for example, Waste The Night and Vapor. It’s clear to me that while they probably still enjoyed their pop-punk sound the guys were growing up and were slowly discovering what music their sound as a band should be.

If we’re being honest for a moment. What songs from SGFG really feel the most personal? Sure, She’s Kinda Hot is a bop, but what about Vapor? Vapor is by far my favorite song on the album, it tells me a story, it makes me feel emotion. Now I’m very biased towards SKH, because (unpopular opinion) I don’t like the song much because of the lyrics. But that’s a different story (we may get to that someday). There is nothing wrong with a song that’s a bop, you need those. I could enjoy SKH if it wasn’t for the lyrics. But bops can have meaning too. SKH doesn’t in my opinion. Besides the fact that the guys were growing up and maturing their sound, the music scene just wasn’t very pop-punk or even rock based anymore. It wasn’t a sound that was popular anymore.

I took a look at the billboard charts and pulled some statistics. Friday October 23 was the release date for SGFG. The Top 3 Billboard hot 100 songs that week were

The Weeknd – The Hills

Drake – Hotline Bling

Justin Bieber – What Do You Mean?

The songs/artists closest to 5SOS in sound in the WHOLE Billboard Hot 100 that week were One Direction – Drag Me Down, Fall Out Boy – Uma Thurman and Twenty One Pilots – Stressed Out. That’s 3 songs in a list of 100 songs and you can debate how close the sound of those actually was to the sound of 5SOS at the time.

Taking a look at the Billboard 200 Year-End chart, the #1 is Taylor Swift – 1989. SGFG ended up at #136 (keep in mind that the album was released in October, so close to the end of the year). 5SOS self-titled ended up at #73. The LIVESOS album ranked #176. There’s a few other records that can be considered rock in the list, but barely any pop-punk in the whole chart. The only one to be considered for that title would be Fall Out Boy’s – American Beauty/American Psycho album, which was #15.

Pop-punk or rock in general, wasn’t a popular sound that topped the charts around the time 5SOS got started as a mainstream act. Number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 the week 5SOS released their first ep (Unplugged) was Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. The real mainstream success of pop-punk was mostly in the late 90’s running all the way through the early 2000’s. This is why I wonder why the label tried to make them into a pop-punk band in the first place. My best guess is that their team relied on the fans to push the success of the band forward after they came off of 1D’s Where We Are tour. They might have tried to create an edgier version of 1D with similar success. Where you create a fan base that is big enough to support the band without the need of casual listeners or fans from different demographics (male, female, old, young, etc.).

I think they relied too much on 1D fans to gravitate towards 5SOS as well, which may have been a mistake. Not all 1D fans actually liked 5SOS, some even actively stayed away from them the more they were pushed under their noses. When I entered the 1D fandom in 2014 most things I saw about 5SOS were negative. 1D fans considered them problematic and didn’t like them. This is partially why I steered away from 5SOS at the time. Besides that, I had enough going on with 1D to keep me occupied. Of course 5SOS’s fan base still grew quite a bit from the 1D exposure, but they never got to the same heights as 1D did. In several interviews the guys have said that they were being called “the biggest band that nobody has ever heard of”.

On a more personal note. As a recent fan, the whole pop-punk image never felt very genuine to me. Which might be because I came into the fandom backwards, starting with CALM and going back to their older material after that (side note: I did listen to the Youngblood album once or twice before). Don’t get me wrong, I love SGFG, I play it regularly. Money is a banger, Hey Everybody!, a bop, Permanent Vacation, love it! But as a fan I like to identify with songs and recognize that the artist is telling something that is personal to them. I don’t get that feeling from some of these songs. 

An example of a song that is emotional, yet (mostly) not personal to the band is Broken Home. It’s a beautiful song, but I generally skip it. 1, because it’s a very sad song and it’s not always something I’m in the mood for. 2, because it’s not a song I relate to on a personal level. And most importantly 3, I don’t see the song relating to 5SOS as people, other than maybe Ashton. An interesting quote about the song, made by their producer John Feldman, is on the genius page for this song.

“Other than Ashton, the three guys have parents who are still together. Ashton has never met his father. Ashton really connected into the theme. “We’re saying something with this song, it’s going to connect with the audience, at least 50% of our audience comes from broken homes. We’re actually taking a stand.” The other guys are loyal and family-driven and sweet, so they were like, “What are our parents going to think about us singing about a broken home when we don’t come from broken homes? How authentic is it?” It was a two-month debate.”

So the guys themselves were already questioning the authenticity of the topic when they were recording it. Ashton connected to the theme of the song, but the others didn’t. It wasn’t something they had experienced. It doesn’t say why the song made it on the album anyway. As stated in the quote, a lot fans can relate to it. I’m sure many fans found comfort in the song, which is a nice thing. The song doesn’t make you relate to the band though. If any of them had written this song from a personal experience it would have connected a lot differently. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing that the song is not personal, it just doesn’t feel very genuine when you know the artist has no relation to the story they are telling.

Moving on to the 2015 Rolling Stone article I have mentioned before. This seems to cause some division among fans. Was it all true or was it made up? My opinion is that it’s a mixture of truth and BS. But a whole lot of it feels taken out context or exaggerated. I have been a fan since March, so I wasn’t around at the time this came out. But since becoming a fan I have watched tons of interviews and clips and have extensively discussed this band with my friend, so I’d like to say I have done my homework and have a good picture of this band. On top of that I’d like to think being a 1D fan sharpened my critical thinking skills and might have helped me see through certain bullshit. I don’t claim to be the person with all the answers, but maybe my thoughts make sense to some people. There might be some context that I’m missing or facts that I haven’t come across, if you feel like there’s a piece of information I’m missing, feel free to let me know.

The way the article starts, it reads like fanfiction. Literally. The extensive description of the surroundings, the time of day, everything. The first time I read it, it made me cringe so hard I had trouble getting through the whole thing. First things first. This interview takes place the day after the AMA’s. Who the fuck scheduled this? Either someone should have prevented them from getting drunk and partying, or they should have scheduled this on another day when these guys were in a better state of mind. That is, assuming things went the way they went as described in the article. Which is something I highly doubt.

The only direct source saying that this article is not genuine is this tweet from Luke. Besides that I have only read secondhand that the band and people surrounding them have spoken up about the inaccuracy of the article.

Some people believe 5SOS could have sued Rolling Stone for slander if this article was really as false as they claim. Now I’m no lawyer, but this is not how things work in the entertainment industry. An article like this has been agreed upon before. The interviewer didn’t just decide to drop by one day. During celebrity interviews there’s always someone from their management or PR team around to make sure they don’t say any stupid shit. Celebrities are a brand, they have an image to protect, albums to sell. If they say things that make them look bad it can cause damage to their good name. Record companies have invested money in artists and they want to see a profit in return. They don’t want to risk losing money, that’s why celebrities have PR teams. RS may have had a reputation for being a very honorable publication, but these days that’s not the case. They are not that far removed from cheap gossip rags such as the Sun or The Daily Mail nowadays. They still get read by a lot of people, which puts them in a position of power. Often when an interview takes place there are certain topics that have been agreed upon before, there are also topics that can be blacklisted if the artist or their team doesn’t want them talked about. For example relationships or family matters. These will also be agreed upon beforehand.

Here is a story about a former journalist for the British tabloid The Daily Star, who has admitted to making up stories and explains how they get away with it.

For arguments sake, let’s say the guys slipped up and showed their “true colors”. With a big publication like this it’s common that their team would have to approve the article before it comes out. If there’s anything in there that was not agreed upon that they don’t like, the article can be edited.

This leaves us a few possibilities.

The article is completely true and their team is shit at their job. They failed to prevent the boys from slipping up about stuff they shouldn’t and did nothing to stop Rolling Stone from publishing.

The article is true and their team just allowed the article to be published for whatever reason.

The article isn’t true, but their team let it happen anyway, possibly because they wanted to move the band away from their boyband image into a more punk-rock image that went with their sound.

My vote goes out to the last one. I think their team wanted to make the boys look more edgy/punk-rock and get rid of their boyband image and this is how they tried to do it. I think parts of the article may be true, but a lot of it is greatly exaggerated and in some cases made up. If my theory is true, it also means 5SOS or their team had no reason to sue Rolling Stone if they wanted to. Because it would mean you have a major publication on your bad side, which means no more future promotional opportunities for the band and/or the label. While Rolling Stone may be trash, it’s a publication that a lot of people read. Therefore it’s a very important connection that you don’t want on your bad side.

If you still think they could have sued Rolling Stone then take a look at some examples from 1D. 1D has been targeted by the British tabloid The Sun for YEARS. They wrote the most awful shit, a lot of it not true. Yet they still had exclusive scoops whenever something important happened. Exclusive meaning, these topics were given to them exclusively for publishing. It was proven that their PR manager is friends with the journalist from The Sun responsible for most of the stuff written. 1D never sued The Sun for those articles, because they most likely were agreed upon by their team beforehand. 1D has never tried suing the Sun over anything, despite what they wrote. This was not 1 article, these were many articles. Especially towards the end of 1D, when it was clear their label was losing 1D, there was a smear campaign in the media to discredit 1D and its members. There was a chance some members were going to sign with a competing label, and that’s something their label didn’t like. Here is a good collection of headlines from that smear campaign. Nobody ever got sued over these articles.

Do you still think 5SOS could have just stood up and sued Rolling Stone? The entertainment business is full of politics. If you don’t play the game you’re out. Also, question yourself. Why does Luke still say the article was twisted and inaccurate 4,5 years later? He has owned up and apologized for past mistakes, yet he keeps insisting the article didn’t tell the truth. He even goes to say that the article “broke and hurt him”. If you believe Luke is still covering his ass for what he said in that article, that essentially would he mean he is emotionally manipulating people by saying the article hurt him. Is that the person you think Luke is?

1 more thing I want to point out. Yes, I am aware of the fact that Calum has a large version of the magazine cover hanging around in his house. I can’t say exactly why. This is my best guess. That cover was still a big thing in their career, despite the article, it is still a Rolling Stone cover. That’s a milestone that not every artist gets to do in their career. Just because he has the cover hanging around doesn’t mean he enjoyed the article that came with it.

This whole post has gotten super long, it may not be the easiest thing to get through. So thank you if you made it till the end. As stated before, this whole thing is mostly just my opinion. But the parts about how PR teams work are a fact. I do not work in the music or entertainment industry, I’m not a lawyer, so I may have gotten some things wrong. If I did, please let me know and I will try to fix it. Feedback is always appreciated.

[casualcatte]

[RP Journal] January 12, 2021

I’m not even sure I have the words for how wrongly everything went this evening. From the meeting with the Night Raid to whatever was going on with Siannault Tavard and Rae-Hann.

The meeting in and of itself wasn’t bad. I just felt like I was stepping out of my involvement right when they might need me most. I promised Rae-Hann, though.  I told him that once I was done with this last bit with Ollie I was well and truly done. I know he worries about me and I know he just wants to keep me safe. I was raised that you always keep your word to the people you care about most.  Rae-Hann has enough trouble with trusting people and letting them close without me breaching that trust when he extends it to me. 

My only saving grace is that I feel like I’m leaving V’hala Helsi in good hands. Between Tetsuro Wulf, Nan’to Vaadrage, V’ari Tia, Siannault, and Rae-Hann my presence and contributions seem superfluous really. What have I really accomplished since being involved? I played distraction for E’nijah Suzume during the warehouse investigation, learning little to nothing of value except for, perhaps, the presence of the Disgruntled Transient.  After that, I followed up with that transient, only to find out that Rae-Hann and Siannault had gone before me, not that I begrudge them getting involved. I simply wish they’d told me so we could coordinate our efforts. 

(Courtesy cut -- This is a LONG one folks, hang on to your seats!)

I’d gotten angry with them the night I found out, which should honestly surprise no one.  It’s well-known that I have a temper, but somehow I’m supposed to just plod along docile as a sheep and let people run roughshod over an operation and efforts that we’ve been painstakingly putting together for weeks without being informed until they were good and ready. And it’s not like /they/ could claim they didn’t know, I’ve kept them well-informed since all this started. So, yes, I got angry, I got belligerent. 

To top it all off, they did this not half-a-bell before we opened the Stars Rest Inn for our public tavern night. So, not only did I have to deal with that, I had to put on my best inn-keeper’s smile and go serve people for several hours on top of it with naught but that to dwell on!  

But that was weeks ago and I’d long since moved on from then.  I never heard from Siannault at all, except through Rae-Hann who was understandably worried that the man had become withdrawn, preoccupied, uncommunicative. Out of everyone in the whole world, I would have expected Siannault to talk to Rae-Hann, but for days, weeks afterward there was nothing with Rae-Hann seeming even more sick and worried each time I saw him.  And it rankled.

Rae-Hann has been part of my life since long before Edgard, long before the Twins, before the Night Raid, and before Siannault.  If anyone means the most to me, it’s that silly, grump-faced mystel from Norvrandt.  We’ve been through a lot together, overcome a lot of things together.  If he wasn’t so clearly into men, I might have fallen for him once, but I think I rather like being his friend and student with him instead. Our friendship has grown a lot over the past year or so -- but whatever happened tonight may ruin it irrevocably.

When I was young, I grew up in the Hunt. My world, my upbringing, was about survival. To that end, my mother was ruthless and hard when it came to my lessons and learning the ways of the world. “Tough love” my father called it, hard truths that needed to be heard in order for me to get better, to improve -- to survive. While I don’t believe I’m quite as ruthless as Maora, I do operate under the same principles of honesty, telling people hard truths, and really making them look at things.  For most, this works, but there are some on the rare occasion who simply can’t handle it.  Now, I know my truths are not absolute, they aren’t the be-all, end-all of anything.  At the end of the day, they’re purely my opinions, which people are more than free to throw out with the trash if they don’t agree with them.  If people ask me for my opinions or my help, though, I like to think they know me well enough to understand that.

So when Rae-Hann sat Siannault down in front of me, telling him “we” wanted to know what was going on with him, that “we” cared about him -- I thought that was Rae-Hann’s way of asking me to step in, to help him get to the root of whatever was going on.  After all, Siannault hadn’t responded to /him/ in any way, so what, really, would be the harm?  I watched, though, as Rae-Hann reached out to him, again and again, and that elezen just sat there barely replying to anything. The more it happened, the more agitated Rae-Hann became. I couldn’t take it anymore.

If Siannault wouldn’t react to Rae-Hann’s gentle, loving insistence, I thought for sure he’d respond to being provoked.  Questioned.  Insulted.  Something.  /Anything/ to show some kind of reaction that he gave a damn about us. About Rae.  Siannault went and puked in the sink.  Said nothing.  Did nothing, except heave what little contents of his stomach existed.

Rae-Hann eventually grew so frustrated that he lashed out at me, which I don’t really blame him.  If someone was taking Edgard to task in front of me, I’d probably have some choice words to say to them too.  Regardless how much it might have been deserved, no matter how much it might have just been a ruse to get Siannault to /react/ to something -- it still stung. Like I said, Rae-Hann has been by my side longer than anyone else, his opinions, his thoughts of me, carry more weight than most.

Everything always has to be about you, he’d said, as if everything I did had some selfish motive. I didn’t want to ruin your cozy, idyllic life at the inn with all the shite that goes on outside it.  I /know/ the world is chaos; I don’t need to be shielded from it.  I’d rather people be honest with me about the good and the bad in their lives rather than constantly hiding it until I find out about it anyway.  It happens eventually, so I really don’t see the point in perpetuating the fiction when the truth is just so much easier to face head-on.

It’s neither here nor there, though. Even by that point, Siannault had reacted to nothing but the kitchen sink, even pulling away from Rae-Hann when he asked after him.  The Starlight Gift I’d given to Siannault before all this started sat unopened on the counter.  Nothing.  Nothing.  And nothing some more.  I was doing more to upset Rae-Hann even further than I was to getting through to Siannault, so rather than do any further damage, I took my leave.

My steps took me down to a small beach alcove not far from the Rest.  I listened to the sounds of the sea and the night-song -- and wept.  I don’t cry often and it’s usually only when something goes on in my Found Family that’s so intensely hurtful that I can’t help it.  Rae-Hann saying those things cut deeply.   None can hurt us quite so well as those who are closest to us.

Was I selfish?  Did I truly make everything about me?  I started going through everything I’d said, done, or taken on over the past several moons, mentally combing through them with a fine-toothed comb.  Why was I helping V’hala?  Why was I helping Edgard?   Or Rae-Hann and Siannault?  It wasn’t for glory.  It wasn’t for fame.  It wasn’t even for gil.  Or even their gratitude.  I just wanted them all to be free of whatever plagued them.  Free, content, and happy -- as I was.  Letting go of my past, letting go of the Saurotaun, was one of the best decisions I’d ever made.  Once I let that go, things in my life suddenly snapped into place as if waiting for me to finally unload the ballast of my tragic history.  Was it selfish to want that for other people?  Especially when it’s the people I care about most?

All these thoughts were tumbling around in my head when Edgard Beaumont found me. Together, he and I had a long talk about everything that had gone on and we both agreed that sometimes -- there really is nothing you can do.  No matter how helpless we feel to look on and watch the people we care about suffer, sometimes it’s the only thing you /can/ do.  They have to be ready to take on the problem /themselves/ before they can ever really hope to let others help them, otherwise, we’re fighting a losing battle from the onset.

As we talked, we spoke of my own shortcomings when it came to being protected. He tried to make it clear to me that just because other people have traumas that make them want to be overprotective and overbearing doesn’t mean that they feel I’m incapable or inferior.  What other reason could anyone have for putting someone behind them like they’re weaker or more vulnerable?  Edgard explained it simply:  For love. 

“You know I'm not going to jump haphazardly in front of you at the slightest risk,” he’d said. “But I would risk my life for you without thinking twice, Aultena. I said it the day I told you my feelings, and I'll say it again. If something happened to you, it would shake me to the core."

It wasn’t about protecting /me/ from harm -- it was about protecting /themselves/ from pain.  It had nothing at all to do with me or my skill, but everything to do with the depth of their own feelings. Why had I never realized this before?  Surely, someone, somewhere had explained it in all the times I’ve fought with people about it.  Perhaps I wasn’t being receptive.  Perhaps I just plain wasn’t listening like I should have been.

I’m far from perfect and I’ve made a lion’s share of mistakes. I’ll probably make plenty more before my time in this world is done.   One thing I’ve always been good at, though, is owning up to my actions when I realize I’m in the wrong. 

Once Edgard and I parted ways, I returned to the Stars’ Rest only to find Rae-Hann and Siannault still there, still arguing from the sounds of it.  Yet, no sooner than I arrived, Rae-Hann announced that Siannault was leaving and the elezen did with a finality to it that said he wouldn’t be coming back.  As he made his way out the door, I tried to apologize, both to him and to Rae-Hann, but neither of them were having it.  Rae-Hann was too angry still and Siannault still too apathetic.  So nothing at all had changed from my presence or my absence.

My heart ached for Rae-Hann.  Things had been so right, so content over the Starlight holidays, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy -- which is honestly saying a lot for Rae after everything he’s been through.  If he blames me for what happened, I can hardly blame him.  He’ll need someone to blame; he’ll need someone to be angry with.  And that person will never be Siannault, even though this could have all been solved so easily if he’d just talked to Rae-Hann as he’d asked.  Pleaded.  Begged.

So I’m content to let it be me.  Our friendship may not survive this, but these are the sacrifices we make for family.  For the ones we love. 

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,832

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​

CHAPTER 34: EPIPHANY

“Underneath the smiling mask, my true self is coming out.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Cheongdam; Gangnam District South Korea

Anastasia groaned when she felt someone tugging at her shoulder, attempting to rouse her from her drunken slumber. Her body swayed back and forth and she swatted at the hand pulling her. Her hand fumbled around for the covers and she attempted to yank them up and over her head. Solace was given to her for a moment and she hummed in sleepy contentment.

However, her victory was short-lived when the blanket was completely ripped from her body, exposing her to the open air. Flailing like a toddler throwing a tantrum, Anastasia flopped onto her back and then sprung up into a sitting position. Her dirty blonde hair was messy and tangled but she didn’t care. Instead, she glared up at the person who was destroying her sweet slumber.

“Ana,” Raelyn said while shaking her head, “if you don’t get up and come on.”

Anastasia flung her arms around in various directions, fighting back an oncoming migraine and whining in the process. “Rae Unnie, it’s my day off!”

Raelyn held a glass of water out to her. She took it and automatically opened her other hand to accept the aspirin that was waiting for her. Raelyn smirked when she downed the aspirin and drained the glass.

“I made breakfast,” said the older woman, turning away from her to head down the small flight of stairs from the bedroom loft, “so get washed up and come down to eat.”

“Kay,” was all Anastasia offered before swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.

Not wanting to keep her friend waiting, she opted to wash her face and brush her teeth. She’d shower later. Once she made her way downstairs, Anastasia took note of the folded-up blankets and pillows on the couch. The previous night’s antics played out in her mind and she couldn’t help grinning.

Raelyn suddenly showed up at her door with two big bottles of booze. Anastasia wasn’t one to usually turn down free alcohol, but she also knew that Raelyn wasn’t the type to mindlessly indulge in binge drinking like some college student. There was clearly something on her mind and the only way to chase it away was through booze. Anastasia could relate and since she had the next day off, she didn’t mind spending the evening drinking away.

They played cards, Monopoly, UNO and vegged out on the couch watching Netflix. Neither of them talked about work or the boys. Anastasia could tell that Raelyn wanted to avoid those subjects as much as possible. Everyone deserved a night to escape and there was a part of her that felt bad that they hadn’t included Eden. When it was mentioned, Raelyn said that Eden had other plans. Without having to say it aloud, Anastasia knew that it was with Jungkook. The woman was brutally honest and stubborn, but her affection toward Jungkook was cute.

She would tease her about it relentlessly.

The smells from the kitchen made Anastasia’s stomach groan, reminding her that she was, in fact, starving. It reminded her of when she had her own aspirations to start a restaurant and ultimately failed. It was probably for the best, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t prone to thinking about those days from time to time.

Raelyn whipped them up a traditional Southern Style breakfast of sausage, eggs, grits and toast. A side of sliced strawberries were set on small plates. Anastasia watched her pour a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice for each of them. When everything was set, the two women sidled onto the chairs by the counter and began to eat, neither of them wanting to say anything until they’d gotten a few bites in.

Anastasia swallowed a mouthful of toast and scrambled eggs, washing it down with milk, before finally deciding to break the silence. “So, do you want to talk about it now?”

The fork hovered by Raelyn’s lips and stayed there for a few seconds. She sighed, setting the utensil down on her plate. Anastasia remained quiet, not sure if she should repeat the question. There was a glint in Raelyn’s eyes that almost screamed what was being turned over and over inside of her head. But doing that would mean she hadn’t processed anything; that she hadn’t been sitting on this something for days.

She wouldn’t have shown up with the offer to booze it up if she wasn’t prepared to get her mind right.

Stabbing at a piece of strawberry, Anastasia gripped the utensil and tried to slow her heart rate some. It never usually took Raelyn this long to speak her mind. Especially if something was bothering her. This, in turn, made her uncomfortable. But instead of prodding further, she waited.

She watched Raelyn pressing her hand to her forehead, sighing again. “Everything’s fucked up,” she finally said.

Anastasia blinked, canting her head slightly. “What do you mean?”

Raelyn was now pressing both of her hands to her face. “I mean everything is fucked up, Ana.”

There was a broken tone in her voice that was unfamiliar to Anastasia. She couldn’t help but worry that something terrible had happened. But from what she understood, the boys were doing okay. Their businesses were thriving, and they were walking away from the criminal underworld like they’d dreamed. Raelyn’s reason for worrying wasn’t even a factor anymore. She could date Taehyung freely and without the strain of having to look over her shoulder.

She didn’t understand what the problem was.

Anastasia reached out to place a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Did something happen?” She paused, brows furrowing. “I mean, besides what happened with Eden Unnie?”

She’d heard about the incident that occurred when Raelyn was dispatched to another hospital. Eden got half a dozen voicemails from her that day and an earful of high-pitched screaming when she finally answered the phone. Regardless of how tough her friends were, Anastasia didn’t want them getting hurt. Not when there wasn’t a need for them to worry about it anymore.

Raelyn shook her head back and forth fervently, her fingers clenching into fists near her forehead. “Things were supposed to get better once they went straight, right?” Anastasia’s brows furrowed when the older woman finally turned to look at her, eyes wide and shaking. “So why does it feel like things are going to get worse?”

“What?” She felt a lump forming in her throat. “What in the world is that supposed to mean? Why would they get worse?”

The older woman laughed, border lining mania, and this caused Anastasia’s hand to fall from her shoulder. “God, how could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I have missed it?”

Anastasia didn’t understand what she was talking about. However, just because she couldn’t understand didn’t mean that the implications weren’t unsettling. It felt like she’d eaten a bag of river stones for breakfast – her stomach heavy and cold.

“Jimin told me something, Ana, and I’m not gonna lie, it rattled the hell out of me.”

“What did he—”

“The boys might be out, but there’s competition that wants them to stay.”

She blinked, unable to believe what she’d just heard.

“Whoa, wait…what?” Again, she blinked. “Why?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?” Raelyn scoffed. “Why in the fuck—”

“—would they want their rivals to stick around when they could just claim the territory the Golden Jackals left for themselves?” Anastasia finished the thought and now it was Raelyn’s turn to look surprised. Averting her gaze, she curled her hand near her chin while glaring at her half-eaten breakfast. “That just doesn’t make sense. Strategically, when competition is gone, that leaves room for a takeover when the option for a merger is no longer on the table.”

From a marketing or bargaining standpoint, attacking the former Golden Jackals would lead to zero gain. She recalled a conversation she had with Seokjin about something similar. When companies refused to go along with mergers, a buyout option was presented. If the buyout option was refused, then eradicating all competition from the board was the next step. But if the competition chose to pull itself from the game, then the remaining competitors usually fought amongst themselves over who would take over what was left behind.

Pulling the competition back that chose to remove themselves would bring them no profit. It would create unrest all over again…

Is someone foaming at the mouth or something?

When she next met Raelyn’s gaze, it was like something dawned on the older woman. Several emotions passed over her face, but the one that Anastasia recognized immediately was anger. Something she’d said apparently set her off.

“They think they’re bluffing.”

“Huh?”

Raelyn stood from her chair suddenly, causing Anastasia to recoil. “They think Hoseok and the others are bluffing!” She began pacing and all Anastasia could do was follow her with her eyes. “They’re not sure if they’ve really dissolved or not. That’s why they’re not launching a war.” She smacked her forehead while letting loose a mirthless laugh. “That’s why the others haven’t started stirring up shit. They’re not sure what Hoseok and the others are going to do!”

Anastasia heard her laugh again, but it sounded terrible, making her skin crawl. “Rae…”

The older woman continued pacing for a few more minutes, muttering things to herself. When she suddenly stopped, Anastasia was halfway out of her seat. The two friends met each other’s gazes and it was like they both thought the same thing at that very same moment.

“What’s going to happen when they find out that it’s true?”

The work week seemed to crawl at a snail’s pace. It was unbearable and Anastasia was sure she would start the process of plucking her own eyeballs out. Seokjin and she hardly had time to see each other at all since he was doing his best to assist Hoseok and Namjoon at the new hotel in Yongsan. Not that she blamed him or needed her hand held. He wouldn’t have hired her if he didn’t think she was capable of handling things without him constantly being in the office.

Jimin being there was a boon and he was always at the ready to assist whenever she needed him. Even when she didn’t, he had coffee and snacks ready – encouraging her to take breaks before she got lost in a mountain of paperwork.

Burying herself in her work, however, was the only way she could successfully chase her worries from her mind.

She’d wanted to pick Jimin’s brain; to figure out what was going on behind the scenes. All she knew was the financial aspect of their businesses. It was her job to maintain it and make sure all the books were up to date. Nothing was out of place and Seokjin wasn’t asking her to fudge the books either. Accounts were stable and clean. No money was laundered since none of their funds were funneling in from an outside source even remotely associated with the criminal underworld.

Yet she couldn’t shake the frustration and worry that radiated from Raelyn. It was bleeding across to her now, making it hard to focus on her job. Seokjin and she were getting closer, sure, and others could clearly see that they were an item. But without him there to reassure her that things were going to be alright, Anastasia felt on edge. Hell, borderline neurotic. She could admit it.

Was their friend, Eden, suffering like this also? When she saw her a few days ago, it didn’t look like it. What was she doing that was different than what either Raelyn or she were? Had the mixed girl gotten her hands on some magic pills, being selfish and unwilling to share?

Wanting to stop by her friend’s shop on her lunch break, she took a breath of air in relief when she arrived and saw that nothing was happening. The garage was closed, a sign hanging out the window saying they were out to lunch and would be back in an hour. Anastasia finished her paperwork early and decided she would take a long lunch, so she had time to kill until her friend got back. Maybe Eden would have some answers to the questions that were constantly nagging at her.

Just as she was about to hail a cab to a nearby café, Anastasia let out a sharp squeak, realizing too late that someone was now in front of her. Her chest bumped into said person, causing her to stumble backwards. The stiletto points of her shoes scraped along the concrete loudly. When she was positive she was going to see the sky, a pair of hands grabbed her shoulders to steady her.

“Whoa,” said a gentle voice, a hint of amusement laced through it, “careful there.”

“I’m so sorry!” Anastasia apologized, taking a step back and bowing her head. “I should have been paying more attention.”

“It’s alright. I was just wondering where the fire was.”

When she finally lifted her head to look up, she saw an unfamiliar man standing in front of her. He had mouse brown hair, umber eyes, and a sweet smile that mirrored in motion with said eyes. Flushing at his appearance, she quickly shifted her gaze to look away from him. She felt more embarrassed than anything else.

“There’s no fire.”

“I can see that.” She moved to look at him again just as the man brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. “Were you here for an appointment?”

“Oh, no,” she said with a laugh, “I just came to see my friend. Looks like I just missed them.”

He slipped his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “In this day and age, you didn’t think to call her ahead of time?”

Anastasia pressed her hand against the side of her neck, giving a shy laugh while shrugging one shoulder. “I suck at surprises?” She laughed again until a thought struck her, causing a tiny shiver to shoot down her spine. Her hand slid slowly from her neck, falling to her side as she began narrowing her eyes at the stranger in front of her. “How did you know my friend’s a girl?”

“I assumed.”

“Assumed that I don’t have guy friends?” Anastasia took a step back when she saw the man’s gaze darken, his smile remaining. “Or that you already know who owns this shop?”

The man laughed, shrugging and then taking a step forward. She took another step back. He leaned forward, peering at her like he was examining a specimen in a jar.

“Clever girl,” he mused, straightening to his full height, “it didn’t take you long to pick up on that. No wonder you’re their financial advisor.”

Her eyes narrowed further. Anastasia didn’t appreciate being mocked. “…and who the fuck are you?”

“Ya, Yoo Kihyun,” called a familiar voice from the sidewalk. They both looked to see Yoongi approaching them and Anastasia felt a wave of relief wash over her. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Kihyun gave a lazy smile but there was no warmth in the gesture. Anastasia shuffled a few steps back when Yoongi closed the distance between them. He made a point to place himself in front of Anastasia, shielding her from the man who was getting his kicks out of messing with her. She had half a mind to throw her shoe at him.

Peering at him over Yoongi’s shoulder, Anastasia maintained vigilance as the other man scrutinized over her rescuer.

“Ah, Yoongi-ah. It’s been so long.”

She heard Yoongi scoff. “Not long enough. Now answer me: what do you think you’re doing?” Kihyun said nothing. “Actually, a better question: why are you here?”

“No reason,” he dismissed and Anastasia bit back her urge to pop off, “curiosity mostly.”

“I’m not surprised. You’ve always been a sick, twisted little fuck.” Anastasia blinked at the barbs coming from Yoongi. She gasped when he suddenly turned around to look at her. “When Eden gets back, don’t tell her about this.”

“Huh? But why?”

“Please, Ana-ssi,” he said, his brows furrowing.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she finally nodded – albeit reluctantly. Yoongi’s expression relaxed somewhat and he bowed his head.

“Thank you.” He then turned around to face Kihyun. “You’re done here, Kihyun-ah. You talk to me now.” Yoongi strolled past the other man, not so much as giving him a backwards glance. “Follow me.”

Kihyun smirked, winked at Anastasia, and then followed after Yoongi as was demanded of him. Anastasia wasn’t sure of what to make of that encounter, but she knew she would have to thank Yoongi properly when she got the chance. Kihyun’s smile may have been charming, but the way he carried himself suggested something cold and unfeeling.

It left a knot in Anastasia’s stomach.

Is he one of the guys Rae was talking about? she thought, frowning, …are they the ones trying to pull them back?

[carlyfrombleachers]

EMOTION, because a CRJ blog needs to talk about EMOTION.

Some things in life are inevitable. Life, death, consumption of media, crying, interacting with others, and many other things, they are simply inevitabilities. Another inevitability is a Carly Rae Jepsen blog talking about EMOTION. It is something every blog-runner is eventually faced with, because of how impactful this record is for everyone who has listened to it. We will all write our EMOTION thinkpieces someday.

This post will only talk about the standard 12 tracks, Run Away With Me to When I Needed You. I will write about the Deluxe tracks (Black Heart, IDJCHTD, Favorite Colour, NGTHY, Love Again) some other time. Okay? Okay.

Also, I just realized my last two posts had the word “brilliance” on their titles. I do not know why that happened, maybe I’m a fan of the word, maybe they’re both brilliant! I don’t know. But the word “brilliance” is being banned from my titles from now on.

With that being said, let’s begin.

The First Three Tracks

I have talked about how important the first three tracks of an album are in my previous post, about Gone Now, but basically, the first three tracks are how they hook you, how they pull you in, how they make you stream it over and over. And EMOTION’s appetizers of Run Away With Me, EMOTION and I Really Like You are quite the solid ones. Run Away With Me wins every single “which is the best CRJ song” poll, so I really don’t want to talk about it, because I think everyone recognizes this is a good track. Personally, I think it is okay. Please don’t crucify me over this??? Thanks.

EMOTION is also a great track which I feel embodies what EMOTION (the album) is about. Which is why it shares a title with EMOTION (the album again). And this is what EMOTION (the album) is about. Emotion. I know, Queen of Subtlety, everyone please clap.

In all seriousness, EMOTION (the album!!!) is about love and the emotions that drive us. The love part is introduced with Run Away With Me, and the emotions, with EMOTION (the track). Run Away With Me is about unconditional love, about wanting to run away taking only the person you love the most. About forbidden love. About running away from all expectations and pursuing only love. EMOTION (the track again) is about evoking emotions in others, in those who you loved or still love, about wanting them to experience all emotions you two experienced together because you feel wronged by them.

And then we get to I Really Like You. I don’t like I Really Like You. You could say I Really Don’t Like It. And the fact it was the lead single? That’s just a weird choice. Sure, it’s catchy, and Tom Hanks is in the music video, but it’s just… not impactful enough? It’s very lovey-dovey, but that’s all it is. Love. Really Liking someone. There are better songs out there. But well, the first two tracks are so good, I think it hardly matters.

The Second Three Tracks..????

The middle of an album is weird. This is usually where themes are explored and pushed far. Lorde’s Melodrama features The Louvre, single Liability and Hard Feelings, where the themes of love shine through after their introduction through Green Light and Sober. Bleachers’ Gone Now features lead single Don’t Take The Money, along with Everybody Lost Somebody and All My Heroes. EMOTION’s tracks 4 through 6 are Gimmie Love, All That and Boy Problems.

These are weird tracks. The theme of love is very loosely present in all these songs, and the 80’s vibes shine very strongly here (especially in All That), but there is not much connecting all of them. Gimmie Love is about doing it with an ex, who you wish still loved you, All That is about being and doing everything for someone, and always being there for them, and then you have Boy Problems, which is, well, about how Boys Suck. The storyline of the record is confusing at best, much like Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia. Future Nostalgia, much like EMOTION, is an album about those cool disco vibes and there is not really a present, recurring theme shared between most of its tracks. The progression on EMOTION is basically, “I love you, let’s run away”, then “I hope you suffer, because I kind of want you back”, followed by “Hey, I like you!” which then becomes “let’s have sex”, and then “I want to always be here for you and do everything for you and everything about you is incredible”... only to be stopped by “hey men are kind of trash aren’t they?”, the progression is all over the place. A record doesn’t need to be composed of only tracks that tell a concise story, of course, and I’ll talk about what this means for EMOTION later on.

The Second Set Of Second Three Tracks

“When you need me / I will never let you fall apart / When you need me / I will be your candle in the dark”

This is for later, don’t worry. :)

Tracks 7 through 9 are also quite the odd bunch, with a bunch of odd tracks with zero correlation between each other. 

Making the Most of the Night is about being there for who you love no matter what, much like All That, with a sick beat instead of the more chill vibes. Your Type is a song about jealousy, one that is very welcome on EMOTION because it displays both themes of love and emotions very well. Your Type shines. It ranks very highly on every EMOTION ranking I see because it’s hard-hitting. “I’m not the type of girl for you / And I’m not going to pretend / I’m the type of girl you call more than a friend / And I break all the rules for you / Break my heart and start again / I’m not the type of girl you call more than a friend”? Damn. Let’s Get Lost is kind of meh. Run Away With Me did the whole “running away from everyone” deal a lot better. But I think it sets out to do a thing and it does the thing. Not particularly impressive, but it’s good.

I have seen people go insane because of someone saying their favorite EMOTION song was bad or annoying, so if you have felt personally offended by any of these, send me an ask. End all your asks with “+” so I know you hate me. It’s okay. My self-esteem is quite high nowadays. I also wish to keep track of which of you to watch out for. Unless you send them anonymously, of course. In that case, I hope I know how to evade you. I have seen this happen very frequently with people who like Let’s Get Lost, so that’s why I’m apologizing.

Why didn’t I apologize at the end, though? Well, it’s because the next three are my favorites.

The End: The Last Three Tracks

The last songs of an album are magical. All the themes shine after their exposition in earlier tracks, allowing the record’s message to be complete and meaningful. Of course, not every record needs to do this, but it’s a lot cooler if they do.

L. A. Hallucinations is a nice song about a love story that starts being interrupted because of fame and how impactful it is to one’s life, Warm Blood is this eerie-sounding track about creating this façade and hiding who you are, only to meet someone who makes you give up on everything because you wish to be completely truthful to them, and When I Needed You is the best Carly Rae Jepsen song. No, I am absolutely not biased, shut up.

I think the album’s title, and its theme of emotion, shine on the last tracks. The build-up for the closing track is simply wonderful, and it just ties everything together. The connections that opening and closing tracks (or simply first and second halves) have is a beautiful thing to witness. Let’s take Melodrama as an example, since I’ve been listening to it a lot lately.

Melodrama is divided into two main parts: Green Light through Hard Feelings, tracks 1 through 6; and Loveless through Perfect Places, tracks 6 through 11. The first half of the album is dedicated to Lorde sharing how she feels, how her breakup makes her feel, how harshly she feels everything. How she loved and how she is no longer loved, how she didn’t care about what happened to her as long as she was having fun and how she sees that what she was doing hurts herself. The second half is Lorde accepting that she is not loved by him anymore, that it is not really her fault and that she has to move on, knowing that her ex may or may not realize what he’s done. That’s why we get Sober II, when Sober was present in the first half, and Liability (Reprise), when Liability was also in the first half. The first half was about hurting and feeling awful, while the second part is about how you're not the only awful person out there. In Liability, Lorde believes wholeheartedly that she is a burden to everyone, that she is too much, that she needs to disappear, but in Liability (Reprise), she mocks such an idea, or perhaps even comes into terms with the fact that she is a liability, and then follows it up with “Whatcha gonna do?”, because if she admits such a thing and is not bothered by it, then it doesn’t matter. After reflecting on whether or not she’s a liability, she doesn’t care anymore.

EMOTION's When I Needed You is basically Melodrama's second half crammed into a single track, and oh, does it sound good. This track fixes every single problem I had with EMOTION's inconsistency, its contradictory themes. Because I can just argue that it's foreshadowing. This is the part where I argue that it's foreshadowing.

When I Needed You, And How Great Closing Tracks Are Important

When I Needed You basically turns EMOTION on its head. Everything about this track is straight up perfection. All the emotions that kept hiding from you and refusing to show themselves finally do in what is, in my opinion, the best closing track of any pop record.

It’s just… the way everything sounds, the amazing production, the lyrics, it’s all just… so perfect??? EMOTION (the track), Your Type and Boy Problems kind of don’t fit the theme of the rest of the record, they’re not about how amazing it is to be loved, and instead are about how painful it is (for EMOTION and Your Type) and how love does not matter (Boy Problems). When I Needed You somehow manages to tie all these themes together with stellar lyricism.

“Sometimes I wish that I could change / But not for me, for you / So we could be together forever” 

The sheer power of these lyrics, oh wow. Carly is just so tired of things not working out that she wishes to become someone else. She wants to be who she isn’t. All of that, just because she likes someone who doesn't like her for who she is.

“But I know, I know that I won’t change for you / ‘cause where were you for me? / When I needed someone / When I needed someone / When I needed you”

Very few records reach this level of… I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. But not every track can take the premise of “I wish I were someone else, but is it worth it?” and do it like When I Needed You does.

Remember what I said in All That, how I saved those lyrics for later? This is the part I bring them up.

“When you need me / I will never let you fall apart / When you need me / I will be your candle in the dark”

“[...] where were you for me? / When I needed someone [...] / When I needed you”

Carly wishes to be everything for someone in All That, she wishes to do literally anything for her lover, but in When I Needed You, she reveals her lover won’t do a single thing for her. Her lover does not care for her. And it doesn’t matter what she does, it doesn’t matter because she is not who she wants her to be.

I’m a Bleachers blog too, so I’m bringing Strange Desire up. I think Strange Desire, much like EMOTION, suffers from not having a very cohesive theme between all its tracks. Most of them are about love, and then you have I Wanna Get Better, and some more songs about love, but the album is quite… tame? It sets out to do something and it does it, and I like it.

The final track of Strange Desire, “Who I Want You To Love”, is quite the odd one. Whereas most songs in Bleachers’ first record are about wanting to see someone evolve while also struggling with evolving yourself, Who I Want You To Love is not really like that. It’s more like a “I give up” letter.

“I will love who you want me to love / Oh, I will bleed when you want me to bleed / But I don’t wanna know too much of anything / Because it all hurts me”

WIWYTL is simply about giving up. Going so far you don’t care about what happens to you. And it’s a perfect closing track for a record like Strange Desire. It has feeling. It has emotion. It has power, strong themes, a message. It’s beautiful. If you only come here for my CRJ content, I highly recommend you listen to Bleachers. It’s a bit wonky at first, but I’m sure you’ll love it if you give it a try.

Back to CRJ though, When I Needed You is an example of how to do a closing track. The weird, contradictory messages that popped up every now and then? It was self-doubt. Doubt that this relationship could grow. That maybe everything was not so great. She experiences a breakup, then falls in love again, and again, and again, only to realize she was changing too much for the people she loved, she was doing too much, and she doesn’t need to do too much. She needs to be happy and make others happy being herself, instead of changing who she is. And this is the main lesson you should take from this song: if you’re changing who you are just to satisfy someone you love, and you’re not happy with who you’re becoming, stop. It is not worth it.

I think every track has a message that can be taken from it, and the most important ones lie in Run Away With Me and When I Needed You. And I think that’s why so many people LOVE Run Away With Me. Because they love the message. Because of how beautiful the lyrics are, and because of how many people identify with wanting to run away with who they love, because they’re queer, because others would not understand, because being LGBT+ is seen as sinful. Or maybe it’s about sex, and that’s what the sinning implies, but I like my (and many other people’s) interpretation better.

Well, that’s all I have for today! Have a great month and happy holidays. As we approach December, I might start pumping out extra content, potentially talking about other records I love (Melodrama lol) or some other things I feel like you (my beautiful lovely readers) might enjoy! If there’s an album you want me to listen to, feel free to send me recs through the asks function! Goodbye.

[mirandagoing4baroque]

Agrippina at the Met

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, back in the before times, I traveled to New York to see Agrippina. I saw the last production in the show’s run, and one of the last operas performed at the Met this year. I returned from that trip on March 9 and entered social distancing March 13, when the guidance came out that people who had been to New York should self-quarantine. I say the above partially as an excuse for why this review is so late, and partially for some context. Agrippina was supposed to be the highlight of my season this year. Instead it was the end.

My father and I bought our tickets for Agrippina as soon as they went on sale, over a year before the night we intended to attend the show. The plans were made, the train tickets to New York booked, the arrangements to stay with friends made. Dinner reservations made. A week before the appointed hour, we got a text from our friend “are you still planning to come? People here are freaking out about the coronavirus.” We talked it over, and determined that if the opera was on, we would go. The opera was on, so we went.

After a lovely dinner at an Italian restaurant (also my last meal in a restaurant) on the way to Lincoln Center, we made our way to the opera house. Both my father and I had been to the Met before (I had a particularly memorable trip to see La Donna Del Lago), but we had never been together. We took a tour around the various levels, admiring the history and art, before taking our seats. The curtin was bedecked with a giant painting of a wolf with engorged teats, upon which two human infants were suckling. It was clearly a depiction of the twins and the founding of Rome. 

For you see Agrippina is a story of Agrippina the Younger and her attempts to get her son Nero (in this opera called Nerone), on the throne of Rome. I usually try to race through these, but when there's a lot of distance to cover, there's only so fast you can go. The story begins, she has just received word that her husband the emperor Claudius (here Claudio) has been drowned at sea. She plots to seize the opening to have her son named emperor by popular acclaim. The senate consents and Agrippina and Nero begin to ascend the steps to the throne, but this is only like half an hour into this opera, so there’s no way this is going to work. And sure enough, before they reach their (well Agrippina’s, Nerone is a little more conflicted) goal, a messenger arrives saying that Claudio has survived, saved by the general Otho. The two men arrive in the city and everyone except Agrippina rejoices. 

It is announced that Claudio has named Otho his heir. Agrippina is furious. But then Otho lets it slip to Agrippina that he loves Poppea and cares more for her than the throne. Agrippina uses this info to manipulate Poppea into rejecting Otho, by telling Poppea that Otho gave her up in exchange for the throne. You see Claudio also loves Poppea, though unlike Otho, his love is not reciprocated. Agrippina further tells Poppea that she can get revenge by telling Claudio that she can’t see him anymore because Otho said so. Claudio storms off in a huff. I swear I am trying to do this quickly; I’ve cut several subplots already.  Otho’s coronation day arrives. Claudio, angry about the Poppea thing, disavows Otho. One by one, all the other characters turn their backs on him. He despairs. 

Poppea is moved by the despair and wonders if her beloved might be innocent. She sets up a trap, and discovers Otho’s innocence. Agrippina convinces Claudio that Otho is still plotting against him, and implores Claudio to abdicate in favor of Nerone for the Emperor’s own safety. Nerone declares his love for Poppea because why the hell not. In a scene in which three people (Nerone, Claudio, Otho) are hidden in the closets of her bedroom, Poppea rejects Nerone, and convinces Claudio that Otho is not plotting against him. Nerone, in a fit of rage forswears romantic love in favor of political ambition. Claudio calls everyone together and announces that the throne will go to Otho and Poppea will wed Nerone. Everyone freaks out, as this is the opposite of what everyone wants. Claudio changes his mind. The end. (Deep breath).

Agrippina was the first major operatic work that Handel wrote, and it definitely shows. I mean, that plot, am I right? But there is a lot to like, musically, here. The orchestra was excellent, though frequent readers of this blog will not be surprised that I lament the lack of period instruments. But Harry Bicket can do no wrong stylistically and the orchestra acquitted themselves admirably. I found the second act much stronger than the first. I think this is just that the first act is mostly set up (it takes up more than two thirds of the summary above) and the emotional pay off mostly comes in the back half, which is where Handel can truly shine.

I was a little nervous, because the reviews of this production had been mixed. It appeared that the staging was a “strong flavor” and the reactions had been intense, with some loving the somewhat madcap, updated staging, and others finding it distracting. I was somewhere in the middle. Overall, I think the staging was a value add. The director seemed to be on a mission to see how far he could stretch the original libretto to accommodate new situations. There were times when it worked (turning the racing clouds in Nerone’s final aria to cocaine), and times when it did not (setting Poppea and Otho’s reconciliation in a bar). The secondary mission of the director seemed to be to make things as difficult as possible for the singers, who by and large rose to the challenge with aplomb.  Kate Lindsay was given a particularly hard row to hoe, and my lord she triumphed. 

The cast not only surmounted the acting challenges laid before them, they were all quite capable vocally.  As I have mentioned before, when it comes to roles originally written for castrati I am generally in the camp of sisters (mezzos) before misters (countertenors). Sorry guys, it’s not personal, some of you are quite lovely. And with respect to the thumb headed henchmen, I would have rather had mezzos in those roles. But Otho was played quite capably by Iestyn Davies. I had the great fortune of hearing him sing Eustazio at the Lyric Opera almost a decade ago, and he was an exceptionally winning Otho. My heart broke for him when he was rejected by all his friends one by one and was left alone. It was one of the most moving moments of the opera for me.  Matthew Rose was a capable Claudio, neither particularly distinguishing himself, nor giving me any cause for complaint.

The true standouts of this production were the women. As you may remember from my trip to the Lyric opera over a year ago, Brenda Rae is not a new name to me. She was a highlight of Ariodante, so I was very much looking forward to her performance as Poppea. Her voice was lovely, but at times seemed too small for the house. I quite enjoyed her interpretation of Poppea though: a savvy, good hearted woman who is doing her best. Hashtag relatable. (Especially in the scene where she eats a whole box of chocolates in an oversized sweater).

I’ll get to Joyce DiDonato in a minute, but you all already know that I’ll think she was awesome. I want to talk about Kate Lindsay. Who took every curveball the director threw at her and said “Yeah I can do that; I can make that awesome.” Her tatted up, bad boy Nerone channeled Beiber, and did coke, and moonwalked up stairs while singing arias. And after all that, when most of us mortals would be curled in a small ball, she sang an aria WHILE HOLDING A PLANK. Sang the aria beautifully, loudly, as if she were standing in her shower. I don’t know what supernatural creature got bored and decided being an opera singer on earth would be fun, but I’m super glad one did. I had heard of Kate Lindsay, but I had not heard her, and, friends, I was missing out. Her voice had pop. It had feeling, it had control, it had everything. She is doing Sesto next season (god willing and the creek don’t rise), and I am ready to cry my eyes out when she sings Cara Speme.

Joyce DiDonato. I don’t have a lot to say I haven’t already said before. To quote Hamilton “Look around, Look around, How lucky we are to be alive right now.” Right now being the time when we have the privilege of hearing Joyce DiDonato sing Handel. I am so, so, grateful to be able to type the following: this was not the best Handel I’ve heard her sing. The role is just not as good as some of the roles in his other operas. But Joyce DiDonato singing Handel is like pizza. It’s just gonna be good. And this was. As always, she had the highlight of the show for me. It wasn’t one of the big showy arias though. It was the small quiet moment Agrippina has with her husband at the very end of the show. She sings:

“Se vuoi pace, oh volto amato, l'odio reo fuga da te!...

“If you want peace, my love, Banish hate from your mind!...

[My best attempt at a translation aided by three years of Latin and Google Translate]

Yes, as per usual, Agrippina is manipulating him. But Joyce DiDonato is such a master, and she paints such a lovely and peaceful image that it’s hard not to want to live there. May everyone who wants such a place be able to find it in these trying times.