#hate the mormon illusions of what self reliance is

[musingsofadepressedgay]

I was told to never have envy because it was one of the seven deadly sins, coveting what another has. And so I squashed it down whenever I saw myself yearning for what someone else had, telling myself u was content with what I had

Never ask for anything

I was taught

Only take what is offered and only after requesting they keep it for themselves

You can never mention what you are hungry for even as those around you indulge

I trained myself how to push down the want for physical things, a car, nice docs, another piercing

I would afford those eventually and I could get by without them

What slipped throught the cracks disguised as something other than envy other than a plain and simple yearning for what others had was the emotional side

Watching a couple joke

Seeing someone get a text back and thier face light up

A kiss to the cheek or a tender hug

A complete vulnerability emotionally bared to the other, showing all of thier wants of what to have and what to give and all that they could share

I didn't even realize the fire raging through my body smoke filling my lungs as I saw all of the

Get home safes

The inside jokes

The I got you your favorite meal cause I know what you likes

I was shaken out of my trance by looking at the emotion of envy that I was so sure I had rid myself of

Until I realized the way my heart froze as I heard people talk of all the plans they made

The sill and stupid ideas

Dumpster diving at a Krispy kreams

Or feeding the ducks and fish at a park

And suddenly it clicked

The need

The desire packaged up in a little bow that I hid in the back of the closet because good little girls never ask they just wait for someone to provide for them

The desire of wanting to show someone, anyone, anyone who would sit down and listen and tell them everything

Not the everything I think I tell people

The everything that is hidden beneath

The WANT the NEED

Everything I was told was wrong because you take what you are given and watch others without showing them how much you wish you could ask to please join in

The need to hold someone and let all of it out the dam backed up by walls I built across the stream

But I am worried

That when I have someone like that

I will open my mouth and prepare for everything to surge out only to have nothing

The dam built up to strong for a large wave to get over

People ask me what is wrong and the words dry on my tongue

Why is it do hard to say that I need someone anyone please I need people to care and I want to care for them please

But all that comes out is no I can't think of anything I need

Self reliance doesn't work when we are wired to be social

You can make your own dinner but if you insist you don't need anyone to eat it with it tastes like nothing at all