#harumi feat. kenji

[dvsconocvdo]

closed starter for @kenxmatsui

The sun was low in the sky, and Haru could not fucking believe what a day they had. It felt like within the previous twelve hours, they had lived a whole century. Who knew settling in a new job would be so arduous? All the small webinars Haru completed bored them, and they were thankful tomorrow they'd start actually doing something in their job. Fidgeting with the uncomfortable bottom up shirt they wore, they rolled up their sleeves, showcasing the previously hidden tattoos, not that their shirt covered the tattoos on their hands. Still an attempt was made. Letting out possibly the biggest sigh of the day, they pulled out a small red and white box to pull out a cigarette only realizing that they didn't have a lighter. Of course, those heathens (their cats) must have taken it. Still, they checked each one of their pockets before looking around and spotting another smoker. They hated this, but they needed to smoke before driving back to the hotel or they would lose their mind. "Excuse me." They started talking not really looking at the other person in the face, just focusing on their shirt. "Do you have a light? I'll only bother you for that." (meaning don't make conversation with me) Haru prayed this wasn't a talkative person because they didn't have the energy to deal with it.

Raising their hand to ruffle their own short hair, they finally looked up at the other person. It didn't take much for Haru to immediately notice just how fucking tall this guy was, but the real shocker was when their brown eyes landed on his face. Were they hallucinating? Surely not. Was someone playing a trick on them? But who? They knew close to nobody in this small town. "Kenji?" The name fell of their lips before they could register. Surely not. They've lost their mind. Yes, that made more sense that for their brother to be here in Lunar Cove smoking outside just as Haru got off work. Brown eyes studied him like a hawk. They wanted to reach out and pinch him, to see if this was real, but instead they took a step back as if gaining some distance could clear their mind. "I must have lost my damn fucking mind." Ruffling their hair with more intensity, Haru's eyes ventured away from his face and onto his body. He was well-dressed. He was tall. He looked like Kenji except older. Part of them wanted to say their last name, to fully confirm if it was him except they didn't want to. The distaste for the name lived on fiercely inside of them and they'd rather keep staring in silence as they awaited confirmation. If this wasn't their brother, it was an awful look-a-like, and Haru should possibly move out of town to avoid any further confusion. Then it dawned on them, as they fidgeted with the unlit cigarette, what if it was him and he didn't recognize them?

[dvsconocvdo]

"It's complicated." Haru repeated slowly as if trying to process the poor excuse their brother had just handed them. "Is that it? Ken. What are you involved in? What happened?" It was weird to push further, but it wasn't enough. They said he died, but here he was. Sure, Haru did their best to convince themself that wasn't the case, but... the rumors had to come from somewhere. "Was it a bad case? Some fucking shady shit?" Brown eyes glared at Ken as they waited, and mentally pleated for an answer. This should be enough. He was alive, he was fine, but it wasn't. Resentment had a way to skew their memories, and at his question, their brows furrowed. "I didn't think you wanted me to reach out." You stayed, they thought, you stayed and became a lawyer. What else were they supposed to think, but that he had ended up like them? Like their vicious parents?

Haru felt at a crossroads. They always did with their family. A part of them admired Ken. It was hard not to. He was so exceptionally talented. It was hard to not admire their older brother as well. But the fear had lingered. They had left before Ken did, if Ken had even left... and their parents had a way with words. Even now, at the ripe age of thirty-two, Haru had to dismiss the lessons taught during their childhood. A small, terrified part of them wondered if Ken had remained latched onto their parents. But no, he was better than that. "You became a lawyer." The sentence drifted into silence, as if this could magically explain the whirlwind of thoughts inside of them. "I don't know." Honesty dripped their words. Why hadn't they reached out? They feared not liking who Ken had become, and they feared Ken not liking who they had become as well. Fear was a vicious liar, and self-hatred was too convincing. Haru detested the person they were a few years ago.

"Nothing that mattered." Eyes softened as they studied Ken. "There's still time." Right? They pleaded as they looked up at Ken. If anything, Haru was relieved Ken had missed all their awkward haircuts. Few things felt familiar to Haru. Regret, however, they knew well. Regret was a dear old friend, and seeing Ken's distant yet resonant response to their word sucked the air out of their lungs. "Yeah, but you're still my brother." Their tone came out a bit more assertive than before. "Don't listen to me." A weird thing to say, but nothing seemed to make sense anymore. "You can look out for me all you want, but these are expensive." Motioning to the lit cigarette in their hand, Haru tried to look unbothered, but failed. It was hard to see Ken back up so quickly. They didn't like it. The cost of the cigarettes was minuscule, and didn't even do a dent to all the money Haru had come to over the years, still, they had to say something.

Again, his response was so stiff. "What do you mean?" They stared at Ken with an incredulous look in their face. "You're fine? Have you been fine all these years?" This felt ridiculous. "You're giving me a migraine with this. Just... sure, let's go to your car, but... spit it out." Impatience felt foreign to their normal attitude, but they couldn't help it. It had been years, years of radio silence. Years of looking for Ken online, for any digital footprint and finding nothing. "I'm staying at the Emerald Hotel for now. I didn't want to bother house hunting especially since I just started a job." A pause before they realized just how much Ken didn't know about them. Another pause as they felt panic set onto them due to their constant job changes. "At K-Labs. I'm a computer engineer. I decided waiting to see if I still wanted to stay here after three months was smarter than renting a place." Words spilled over quickly, as if this would be enough to fill the void in both of their hearts. As if this was enough to put them back on track. They might never be right on track, but that was a thought Haru dismissed forcefully.

It dawned on them though that they might not want to leave, not if Ken was sticking around here."How long have you been around here? Since 2018?" Why was this important? They let out a sigh in frustration. This was a lot, but the uncertainty of not knowing what happened felt worse. Who have you met? Why does this matter? They thought, frustrated. No one mattered, no one but him.

Silence, though it was something that provided him comfort, right now, as he waited for Haru to say something, only caused tension to mount. And as if his thoughts were taken into consideration, cutting through the silence was a heartbeat ringing so clear and loud that it took over his headspace until it was all he could hear. It didn't help though, to hear that sound now when he hadn't for so many years, but in a way it was good too, they were here and he hoped with everything that it was a live one not something undead like his. It seemed fair to be hit back with anger, it was something he knew so well, something he could take so well, take it and let it burrow deep, but more importantly their anger was deserved because Haru was right, Ken clearly did not look long enough, not hard enough, he wasn't persistent nor steadfast, so yes, anger felt fair, it was justified, he deserved worse than that.

Eyes flashed in Haru's direction when they spoke again, mouth opening yet no words seemed to follow through. How could he explain this situation? He didn't lie on principle, he definitely couldn't lie to Haru, but how does one even begin to explain this? He exhaled heavy trying to form the right words, he had never been one to mince words either, direct and blunt was how he chose to operate but that couldn't be applied to this situation, "I- had to leave due to circumstances. Ended up here. It's complicated." He settled for that, for now at least, "A lot happened. I know that's a shit explanation but it's all I can offer you right now. But I didn't know you kept tabs on me till New York, why didn't you reach out?" Could things have gone differently if he knew Haru was looking for him? Could he have still be alive? Threads of fate woven differently to keep him alive, to keep him human still? No that was foolish thinking, they would've gotten Haru too, and it'd be his fault.

Sharp words and sharper looks paused Ken in thought as he watched Haru, what they had said hitting deeper than expected. Blinking back to the moment, Ken nodded, "You're right. I suppose we're not kids anymore." The response fell quiet and low, carrying too much emotion yet showing very little of it as he tried to reign it back. Even now, even in this moment of their reunion, their parents teachings still echoed in his head as he fought to grip his emotions back. He wished it was different, wished that they could be kids again, but it was foolish. While time paused for him, he couldn't turn it back. "I missed a lot of your life, didn't I?" But he didn't dwell on that, he couldn't. "I'm alone," he answered, forcing focus to shift yet again but when Haru questioned again, Ken naturally fell silent until to explain. "I was only looking out," he said when they picked up the lighter.Taking it, he twirled it between his fingers absent mindedly before tucking it back into his pocket without more comments.

An expected huff of a laugh sounding at what he was asked, "Safe is an interesting word. I'm fine. How long have you been in town? Who have you met? You deserve an explanation, you do, I'm not stalling, promise. I just… it's a fucking lot if I'm being honest. Do you live close to here?" Where did they even live? How did they find this place? The more he asked, more questions piled into his head. "We should head somewhere private." Not that he was worried about people overhearing him talking about the true nature of this town, folks would hardly bat an eye, still, he felt this should be done less openly. "Or we can even go sit in my car, it's close by."

[dvsconocvdo]

It felt surreal. The mere fact that this conversation was happening. Haru couldn't hear the cars or people passing by them. They couldn't hear the distant sound of dogs barking. All they could hear were his words and their own heartbeat thumping so loudly against their own ears. For a second, Haru worried that he might be able to hear it, but that was impossible. They were nervous, that was all. But the realization of how truly nervous they felt while waiting for his words winded them. Nervousness turned into anxiety that merged into anger and then lingered as relief. This didn't make any sense. But the anger, the resentment came to light, and Haru knew they would regret this later tonight. "Not long enough." They spat, and it was weird how hurt they sounded. Ken wasn't to blame for this dissonance, however. Apparently Haru hadn't look hard enough either. They continued talking in Japanese, not wanting to change just yet, the mere fact that he reciprocated only reassured them that it was truly him. "They said-" Haru took a breath, feeling overwhelmed but sounding more collected than they felt, "people said... you had died. Why? Where the fuck were you?" Again, resentment filled their words even if their voice was a mere whisper. They deserved an explanation as to why he disappeared off the face of the planet. Of course, of course Haru hadn't believed he had died. It felt just as ridiculous as their parent's made up curse, but as years passed, Haru hadn't been able to fight the uncertainty that filled them.

The anger shifted and instead Haru felt themself standing taller, their posture straighter as Ken pointed out how much Harumi fit them. They felt themself wanting to speak again, wanting to over-explain themself, something they hadn't done in so long. But Haru couldn't help, but want to talk more to him. It was him. It was Kenji, her brother. He was alive. Their head started pounding from a headache as they struggled to truly process what was going on. The confidence Haru had a few seconds ago evaporated upon the smallest hints of approval he gave them. "It's good to see you as well." Their words felt hollow. If they were any different, the two of them would've hugged. But that wasn't them. That wasn't how they did things. (Haru wished it was). A thousand questions swirled around in their mind, and Haru just wanted him to hurry, to speak, to tell them what had happened.

One moment Haru was taking a long drag from their cigarette, then they went to exhale it before the cigarette was taken from them in a flash. Before they could protest, the bud was on the ground. Their frown, which had remained in their features since they scolded Ken for not looking hard enough, deepened. "Are you out of your mind?" The words left their lips before they could stop it. Eyes bulging in their skull in shock and annoyance. "You do realize what you just did, yeah? I'm not fucking ten years old." Hurried hands took another cigarette from their pockets and put it, unlit, on their lips. The mere gesture made Haru feel a tad calmer. His questions confused them. "Yeah, I'm alone... I'm guessing you are too? He isn't here, too?" That would be a twist of events, if their two brothers had reconvene without her. "What do you mean?" Confusion only made them frown again.

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" They spoke slowly, eyes narrowing, as they gawked again, studying him. "Are you safe? Should I be worried?" Who would follow them? Haru couldn't get their mind to understand his concern. Sure, their parents had died and suffered endlessly prior to that, but... that had been that. Haru had blamed bad karma for their fate. Then there was that rumor. That nasty rumor that Ken had died due to a bad case, had it been true? Haru doubted it. He was too capable for that to be the case. Crouching to grab his lighter, Haru lit their cigarette before motioning to return the lighter to him. "Don't. Don't do that again."

Ken didn't have enough time to react to his lighter being taken and returned, he couldn't recall gripping the object nor did the clatter of it falling along with the cigarette that dangled from his fingertips register when his full name was spoken again. And adding Japanese to the mix felt like a discordant sound, a ringing in his ears that carried on too long. Not knowing what to make of it, Ken simply stared at them in utter disbelief. The birthday could've counted as a good guess, him playing the piano be chalked to them being extra observant, borderline creepy if anything, but they continued to say track and sweets in a household, as if they knew his past… Ken's gaze narrowed in on them trying to make the puzzle pieces fit. Mouth opened to question them, to ask how they knew all this but whatever he had planned to stay stopped along with time itself when they mentioned the year he was last known for the world. Confusion still painted his face he was sure because he certainly still felt it. In their pause he found his voice, a weak, quiet thing "How–" But he could hardly get his thoughts in order before they continued and rendered him speechless again. He couldn't help the staggering step backwards, wishing he had his car nearby to lean on to keep himself from stumbling.

Unless he kept tabs on me. That alone held enough weight to knock the wind out of him. "I–" Breath staggered as every answer surged forward to be spoken, but full control of emotions did not forfeit so easily, "I thought you were–" Japanese fell from him too, a rough sounding thing, coarse from disuse but he cut himself from speaking more before death could be verbalised. But he had thought that, he thought like their parents, his siblings had met the same fate, while he was further cursed to continue to exist beyond death, his siblings had met their end. Yet, yet, here was standing proof that the opposite of what he thought was true, "I looked," he said slowly, words falling a touch above a whisper. Not enough clearly. Not long. Not till he found them. But he was found instead. He was found by his own family. "Mas–" The start stop sentences, words unable to fully form was beginning to annoy him, but this one, stopping himself from speaking the name was done with a purpose. "No, that never really fit you." He looked to them now, hands falling to his side. They were older too, face and features laced with age, shorter hair, yet same sort of defiant nature he knew they had. But he missed a lot. "Harumi," he said this time, a tiny flick of a smile arising from speaking it, "Suits you. It's nice. It's... good to see you." Though speech became somewhat better now, language smoothing out to a better flow, distance still held up between them, neither unable to close that just yet. And Ken really did not know what to do. He had wondered far too often how meeting his siblings would go, if he was even awarded that opportunity, but not in a hundred imagined scenarios did this ever happen.

Perhaps the universe itself sensing the rift, the silence that only seemed to grow, forced Ken's gaze to land on the cloud of smoke. But then again, was it the doing of an entity when it was so unavoidable? Despite knowing he had the same vice yet hardly thinking, Ken stepped forward to pick the cigarette from their grip, cast it to the ground and snubbed it underfoot. "Don't you know smoking is bad for you? What the hell." Maybe that was the break needed to cut through the tension and end the awkward gawking, Ken blew out a long breath and reeled in his mind from a state of total collapse. "How did you get here? Are you alone?" He looked around, if Harumi was here, could their older brother be around too? Empty space and silence met him in return for his foolish thought. He didn't know the feeling that began to settle in him to be good or not, the unknown was a strange thing to pin down. Through all this however, a chilling realisation began to dawn on him, Ken took a step forward, gaze again sweeping the area, listening for anything that could spell danger, "Are you safe? Were you followed?"

[dvsconocvdo]

An immense wave of relief washed over Haru as Ken offered them a lighter, too eager to light the cigarette in their fingers. Too eager to indulge in the vice and get some relief from the complete panic that stirred within them. Were they wrong? But they saw it too. The slight sudden pause Ken did, something they could've probably miss if their eyes hadn't been fixated on his face. Hope was an unfamiliar feeling for Haru yet in this moment it spurred out of them. Deep within their mind and heart, Haru wanted so desperately for this to be correct, and for Ken to remember them. For Ken to recognize them first. A childish desire, maybe, and one they didn't receive as his expression soured. Before the offer disappeared, Haru grabbed the lighter and lit their cigarette, returning the lighter promptly to Ken. "Thanks."

Their hand returned to their hair, and for a second Haru considered gripping it harder to see if this wasn't a dream. If it was, they were not going to sleep again in an entire week. "Kenji." The name fell out of their lips with such ease. Their own tone almost fooled them, it sounded calm and collected, everything Haru was not. "My brother," they started speaking in Japanese, another small intentional decision to see if it was truly him, "is named Kenji. Born in 1989. April 19 to be exact. He is two years older than me. He played the piano exceptionally well. He ran track pretty lacklusterly." A lie. Haru could not remember a single time Ken was lackluster. "His biggest weakness is probably the amount of cavities he got from eating all the fucking sweets he could grab his hands on. Not that there were that many around in our household." Our. A word Haru hadn't really used in years. Nothing really was theirs, and they had not been part of a collective in so long.

Suddenly, Haru felt like the scrawny teenager who took one big duffel bag with them when they left home unannounced. But the Haru in front of him could not be more different with shorter hair, more tattoos, and more muscle definition. Haru's face had aged too, and their sleep disorder didn't make them look any younger. "He took the bar exam in New York which led to him becoming a lawyer who focuses on criminal law. An insane and utter self-destructive choice, if you ask me especially given our family history. And—" Haru took a deep breath, and paused to inhale the smoke out of their lungs. "—in 2018 I lost any trail I had him." Another pause as Haru's eyes studied his face explicitly to see if he gave anything away to the information they offered. Was that enough? Did they have to share Ken's favorite toy as a kid? Or favorite color? Or how their siblings coped with their manipulative parents? No. Those were things Haru's mind had locked away too deep in their mind. Opening those doors would only lead for this entire facade to fall apart.

"You look like him. Older, but like him regardless." This was bold. They could not remember a time they had ever been so bold. Haru thought that their first and final act of bravery had been leaving San Francisco. Maybe... they were wrong, and this was their third attempt at bravery. Smoke filled Haru's lungs before they exhaled in a different direction from Ken, finally breaking away from his face. "I'm Haru. Harumi if you want specifics, but that's not a name my brother would recognize unless he kept tabs on me." Again, their uncertainty made them create distance between the two of them with language. "My brothers would know me by Masako, a name I've since let rot and die with my departure from California. It was never really my name, was it?" The question was a mere whisper. Who Haru was a teenager wasn't really them, they have made some peace with it.

There were moments, rare few, when Ken truly felt at peace, at ease with how his life was progressing. While he couldn't definitely call this a success, his mind simply did not allow for a such a thing, it was nice. And nice hardly showed its face in his life but he could hardly deny it now. It stirred some cynicism, undoubtedly, never had it been his nature to trust goodness without scrutiny and it would not differ now either. He should not, he knew, to pick apart this moment and taint it with pessimism and negativity but the calm troubled him, unearthed the restlessness that he had worked to bury. Yet, he couldn't quite help it. Parking his car in a random spot, Ken turned to a vice that he had hardly visited these days in hopes to clear his mind. Smoke filled his lungs, thick and heavy provided instant relief as he exhaled into the air, he walked a little aimlessly, feet carrying him directions he didn't care to put focus on.

"Hmm?" A voice pulled him out of his head and had him pause as the question they asked processed, "Oh, yes. Sure." Deeming the request to be polite enough, Ken patted his pocket and held out his lighter for them, and in doing so eyes scanned their face. He didn't mean to freeze but a vague memory tugged at the back of his head in that moment, old and faded with time and at times on purpose to avoid the sting of nostalgia, those features…why did he feel there something about them? "Do I-" But then they spoke his name and things immediately screeched to a sharp halt.

"What did you call me?" Irritation instantly sparked amidst mild surprise. A harsh exhale sounding to reject that name being spoken. So used he had been to Leyla saying it in moments of utter happiness, a sharpness registered automatically at the others tone, there might not have been one but Ken heard it nonetheless. He had not given anyone else permission to speak it, people knew to not, even in professional settings, it had always been Ken but even when it couldn't be helped it didn't sound like this. And for it to fall as a question, as if to confirm that indeed was his name. Ken remained silent, features dropped lower, almost to a scowl as the other person spoke again. Gone was the surprise, however brief it may have been, gone too was the raised brow he had initially returned with, replaced by thin pressed lips and a cold, hard stare. He did not recogisne them but for them to know him, he took a step back too. "You may have, yes. Who the hell are you?"