#harrison is so insecure bless him

[faofinn]

24. "I'm so sorry" (Alt 5)

Harrison hadn't long been home from uni. He loved it, he really did but he missed Steve too. He loved coming home for the holidays, especially Christmas. They always made a big deal about it, making up for the years they'd missed. As much as Harrison tried to help Steve cook, it was usually for the best he didn't. 

Steve picked him up a week before Christmas, and Harrison was grateful for the rest before the celebration. It gave him a chance to recover from the late nights and no long days, a chance to shake the illness that had been threatening to overwhelm him.

He crashed as soon as he got in, unusual for him, but Steve had expected it. The texts over the week had complained about the tsunami of exams that threatened to drown him. He looked exhausted, too, so Steve offered to take some food up for him later. He left it on the bedside table Harrison all wrapped up and fast asleep in his duvet.

It was early afternoon when Harrison emerged, stumbling downstairs in his pyjamas and oversized hoodie Steve glanced up from his book, frowning at the state of him. He looked terrible, pale, and tired, even after his nap.

"Morning. How are you feeling?"

Harrison gave him a smile. "Morning. I don't feel great." He admitted. 

"You don't look great." Steve said softly. "Headache? Feeling sick? Pain?" 

He settled on the sofa, snuggling up. "My stomach hurts and I feel sick, I thought it was just the stress from exams." 

Steve made a soft noise. 'Oh, bless you. Want some meds?"

Harrison nodded. "Yes,please."

"Ill be a minute. "Steve said to him, standing to go to the kitchen. "Anything else you want?"

"No thanks." He called to his dad over the rummaging in the kitchen. 

Steve wasn't long, returning with medication and a glass of juice. "Here." 

"Thank you." He said, gratefully taking them. "Hopefully helps." 

"Yeah, hopefully it does. Steve smiled. "We've got the tree to decorate."

"Yeah. Can't wait."

“I was thinking after we’ve decorated the tree we can put on a shitty Christmas film?”

Harrison stretched out with a whine. "Uh, yeah. Sure."

“Hopefully those meds kick in soon.”

"I hope so. I feel shit."

Steve settled on the sofa with him, wrapping an arm around him gently. “It’s good to have you back.”

He leaned into him. "I'm glad to be home."

“The house is always quiet without you.”

"You're being a right sap, Steve." He laughed softly, the furthest thing from mad.

“Piss off, I’m allowed to be a sap.”

"Mm. I don't mind."

“Good, because I’m not stopping.”

Harrison gave a quiet hum in response. As much as he played the part of the grumpy young adult, he loved when Steve showed affection, when he got to make up for family life he'd missed out on. He was quite content just leaning against Steve, enjoying the contact from his dad.

Steve turned to press a kiss to the top of his head. “Proud of you.”

He found himself choked up. "You are?"

“Of course I am.”

"You shouldn't be."

“Why not?”

"Because."

“Don’t be daft.”

"I'm not. I just do daft shit, you know that."

“I’m proud of you because I’m your Dad.”

He smiled. "I'm glad you're my dad."

“Me too.” He said. “Feeling any better?”

"Not really. But I want to get the tree done."

“Do you want to try?”

"Yeah."

Steve stood, offering Harrison his hands to help him up. “Let’s do it, then.”

He took his hands, grinning. "Let's do it."

Steve put some Christmas music on the speaker, filling the living room with old, nostalgic music. Christmas was difficult for him, since he’d lost the kids, but Harrison helped him infinitely. He could give him the memories he’d not had as a kid, what he deserved. 

Harrison managed to ignore the pain while they decorated, and, for a while, it worked. He loved Christmases with Steve, and as much as he knew Santa wasn't real, it still felt magical. 

Of course, he knew Steve struggled with big events, but he'd been working on it for a little while. They talked about his kids, his late wife, it wasn’t something that Harrison wasn't aware of. It was bittersweet at times, and he knew the only reason he had a family was because Steve had lost his. He disappeared to his room, returning with a few delicate glass baubles. 

"Steve?"

Steve looked up from where he was knelt on the floor, trying to program the lights. “Yeah?”

Harrison hesitated, suddenly aware of how he'd probably overstepped and Steve was going to hate him. He took a breath before kneeling by him, hands outstretched. "I got these, for Jon and Amy and Bella."

Steve stopped, looking up at his son. “Oh, Hars.” He breathed, suddenly choked up. “Thank you.”

He held them out for Steve to take. "Here."

“Let me get up, I don’t want to break them.” He said, getting to his feet before he took them from him. “They’re beautiful.”

"I was terrified they'd break on the way home." He admitted. 

“They look okay.”

"I'm glad."

“Here, help me put them on the tree.”

"Are you sure?"

“Of course I’m sure.”

Harrison found himself choked up again, and he gave Steve a watery smile. "Thank you."

“I’d hug you but I don’t want to break them. There’s a spot here? Seem good?”

Harrison nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He carefully helped Steve hang them on the tree before turning to hug him. 

"I wish I could have met them."

Steve held him tight. “I wish you could have too. They’d love you.”

"They would?" His voice wavered. "I'd have loved proper siblings."

“They would. Bella would’ve been head over heels, too.”

Harrison sniffed. "I'm sorry."

“No, don’t apologise. Are you feeling any better?”

He hesitated, not wanting to admit that he still felt like shit. "A bit."

“You still feel all feverish.” Steve murmured. “Are you sure?”

So much for that. "No."

He frowned. “Let’s sit, then. You don’t look great. Pain still bad?”

He nodded. "And I feel sick."

“Shivery and feverish too?”

"It's just a bug."

“That’s a yes, then.” Steve said, steering him to the sofa. “Where’s the pain?”

"Stomach." He admitted. 

“All over?”

"The bottom."

Steve sighed. “Think we should probably get you checked out.”

"I don't want to, can't we just stay here?"

“I know, but I think it’s best.”

"Please? I'll say if I feel worse."

“Sooner we go, sooner we can come back.” 

"I've ruined Christmas."

“You’ve not ruined anything.”

"I have." He already felt so miserable, so the tears were quick to fall. "I have."

“You’ve not, it’s okay.” Steve soothed, pulling him in for a hug. 

Harrison broke, curling into Steve's side. Sure, he was an adult now, but he felt so rubbish that he could have been a child again. The pain really was bad, and each sob only made it worse. The paracetamol hadn't touched it, the juice he'd taken with it only added to the nausea, and it was almost too late when he realised. He shoved Steve away from him, struggling to his feet and rushing to the bathroom. He dropped to his knees, head in the toilet as he vomited. 

Steve sighed as Harrison was sick, though it stopped his initial confusion as to why he’d pulled away so quickly, He followed him into the bathroom, kneeling next to him. “Bless you. That’s it, get it up, you’ll feel better for it.”

After a few more episodes of vomiting, he rocked back on his heels, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He leaned against Steve’s side, closing his eyes and taking a moment to try and catch his breath. The pain seemed to have shifted too, with all the vomiting, and he somehow felt even worse.

"I think I need to go to hospital."

Steve rubbed his back again, holding him close. “I think so too. You stay here, I’ll grab you a few bits, and then we can go.”

"I'm so sorry for ruining everything."

“You’ve not ruined anything.” Steve reassured. “Are you okay for a couple of minutes whilst I go and sort some bits?”

"Yeah." He nodded. "But don't be too long?"

“I won’t be.” He said gently. “We’ll get you sorted out, and no need to apologise. Nothing is ruined. You’ve made my Christmas with those ornaments.”

Harrison whined as he moved, a hand across his stomach. "Thank you."

[youandtom2]

Hey I saw that your quick stables are open. I was wondering if you would do a continuation of ‘Big Brother Is Watching’? Absolutely no pressure, totally fine if you don’t want to write it!

The Great Escape (dark!tom holland)

a/n: This isn't a drabble nor is a continuation. It's more of a 4.1K extension of Big Brother's Watching that's been sitting in my drafts for ages! So thank you for giving me the motivation to finish it! I'm still accepting drabble requests!

Read 'Big Brother's Watching' // MASTERLIST tw: domestic/physical abuse - read at your own risk!

Not once had you ever thought he could become such a monster. A creature blinded by insecurity but yet powered by control. You can't even describe him as a human anymore, because there is nothing humane about what he does to you. And sadly, you could probably say the same thing about yourself; the way you are being treated is far from the standard care of basic human rights. Being held captive in austere conditions as a confined animal; that is what you must become in order to survive.

You've lost the ability to love, but yet that's all he wants from you. At first it was natural, it was easy to love his modest personality that enticed you the moment you met him. As well as his charming looks. And nothing could stop you indulging in his chocolate gems that he has been blessed with since birth. He was always craving your love and attention and you tried your best to provide, but it became increasingly worrying how, and how often, he would chase after your affection. Others considered it sweet, but you found it exhausting at times. That's when things started to change; when doubt was introduced and it diseased your mind, telling you that you couldn't love this man anymore for the person he had become: volatile, desperate and conniving.

At the time, the signs were transparent and not enough for you to translate. But it was too late by the time you were able to decipher them. He already had you trapped.

"Love? I'm home!" Tom's voice echoes down the corridor and into your room. Well, you say your room, but it's really his. He just keeps you there.

You recognise the snide facade laced in his tone of voice; it's fake and he knows it's fake. Then come his trudging footsteps, bouncing down the corridor on his way to see you. Fear laced with utmost hatred spikes through your veins at the second the doorknob turns. In your corner you watch as he makes his way into the room, making sure to close the door behind him and in one split second, silence falls and there's nothing but empty air between him and you.

"Love," he murmurs deeply, his pet name for you being used far from its true meaning. "Aren't you going to welcome me home?" He spreads his long arms, standing there as if waiting for gold to rain down on him. You meekly stand up, nimble limbs aching from injuries as you shuffle closer to him, preparing yourself to be engulfed by him. As you approach him, his impatience closes the gap between you and his arms snake around your waist, squeezing you just that little bit tighter. "That's better." Being so close to him, the internal sound of his low husky voice reverberates through your hollow body. It's haunting to say the least.

As if in response, your body murmurs back to him, except it's your stomach and not your voice. Your empty stomach yearns for food.

"Hungry, darling?"

"Yes," you whisper. His arms uncoil themselves, but he still has a lock on you.

"Good, because Harrison and his girlfriend have asked us to dinner," he announces. He sinks his head lower, just enough that his lips delicately skim the corner of your ear. A wicked grin dons his face, you don't even need to see it to know. "If you behave I might let you get dessert. Remember, love- "

"I know," you spit distastefully. You already know the deal: if you happen to give away as much as an inkling about your situation to anyone, there will be trouble. If you dare to stray from the act, there will be trouble. If you say one word out of place, there will be trouble. Why? Well you are his girlfriend after all, why would you be begging for help? He is aware that if he doesn't let you out to see people, they would get suspicious. He's taking his pet out on a leash. 

Before you get his permission to move, he slides his hand underneath your jaw and his fingers curl around your chin, guiding him up to you.

"Watch that pretty, little mouth of yours," he moans, inching closer to steal a kiss from you. The only thing you're thankful for is that the kiss isn't too assertive. Ironically, they're gentle but compassionate. Maybe that's just part of his strategy to make you fall for him like you once did years ago, but given the circumstances, nothing could persuade you to do such a thing.

He hums into the kiss, snaking his arm back around your waist whilst you wait for it to be over. "Go and get yourself ready."

The clock ticks on as you patiently wait by the door for him, like a dog waiting to be walked. You can't bear to think of the humiliation if anyone were to see you like this; submissive, helpless, dependent. What's worse is that they would continue living not knowing that this was never your choice. Despite your desperation for redemption, you would scoff at people advising to 'just walk away' because it's never that simple. If it was, you would've walked away a long time ago. Unfortunately he's just too clever.

"Love," he beckons. Stop calling me that! "Be good for me, please. You don't want to ruin it for yourself, do you?"

You shake your head. Accepting your response as the correct one, he plants a kiss on your forehead.

"You know I only do what's best for you. For us." If only that were true. Tom swiftly guides you out of his home and your prison before you can protest. 

The restaurant was Harrison's choice, a lovely one too. Tom would never bring you to a place like this. It's magical. Across the table sits the power couple that is Harrison and his girlfriend. You can't help but gawk at the way they look at each other endearingly...but it's in that same moment that the pang of jealousy convinces you to look the other way. Tom was once like that, and as afraid as you are to admit it, you were too. Now there's nothing. You're hollow. 

The food arrives and the mesmerising meal in front of you has your mouth salivating. 

"God, I'm starved," you mumble. Your audience shares chuckles at your passing comment. It isn't a joke but they don't know that. You didn't spare a thought of the repercussions until after the words slip from your mouth, because now it has gained you your warning for tonight. Tom rests his hand on your thigh, curling his fingernails into your skin. You squirm at the pain, or rather, you try not to. When it finally ends you look up to find his menacing eyes, covertly disguised within his smiles. Message received, loud and clear. 

The conversation flows back and forth easily between the four of you and Tom seems content. Thankfully. No one seems to suspect anything. Sometimes it ruins you knowing that you are trying not to raise suspicions for the sake of your health, but then again, you could argue you should be raising suspicions for the same reason.

That's what hurts. 

"So, Tom tells me you've been writing a lot. How's that going?" Harrison asks. You look up mid-mouthful. You're trying to conceal the fact that you've been longing for such delicious food for days, and it doesn't exactly help when you have to resist the hunger, having to put down the fork to speak. Does anyone really care for manners anyway? 

"Um, yeah, it's going alright. Deadlines are coming up so I have very little time to get out these days." 

The well-rehearsed conversation goes to plan and the audience is convinced. You're not really a writer. You don't really have deadlines coming up. And in fact, you have all the time in the world to get out. If only you could. 

You've finished your role, now it's Tom's time to shine. "Yeah she's been working so hard, haven't you? I've been telling her to take breaks more often and to get out, but...she's dedicated. It's inspiring," he gleams. He reaches over to tuck a strand behind your ear while a thumb glides across your cheek, reminding you of where the remnants of a bruise remains camouflaged beneath your makeup. Again, another warning.  

Teeth grinding, fists clenching, blood boiling. You could almost scream at the irony and the facade, but you know the rules; you can't let anyone suspect a thing. 

As you wait for your second course, that's when time really starts to slow down. You don't know how long you can keep the charade going, especially if you're being toyed by Tom's incessant teasing of freedom. It's almost as if he wants you to get yourself into trouble. 

Ah. Now here's the real trouble. You need the toilet. Tom hates when you're not in his sight which is why trying to get yourself to the one place he can't go seems like mission impossible. In a hopeless attempt, you cross your legs, squeezing them together as if that's going to help for the unforeseeable future. You look to Tom for permission, but he's too engrossed in the conversation with Harrison that he doesn't pay you any mind. However, it's because he's too engrossed in the conversation that he doesn't notice the subtle clearing of Grace’s throat. 

Her concerned eyes meet yours.

Are you okay?

I'm desperate.

She can’t seem to interpret your ambiguous message until you subtly gesture to your hand where you enclose your thumb within your fist. Her eyes widen with shock and horror, taking a cautionary glance over Tom. She knows. Nervous, you observe intently as she delicately picks up her glass of water within the curve of her hand, bringing it gently to her lips, eyes fixated on yours. 

Get ready. 

Beguiling eyes watch as the glass of water drops to her lap, spilling water all the way down her dress. The boys are whipped from their conversation as they scramble to clean up the mess. 

"Silly me!" she exclaims. "Ah, shit. Would you mind coming to the toilet to help me out?" Her eyes turn to you and without a moment's hesitation you rise from your seat with a 'no, I don't mind at all!'. This is it, this is your opportunity. "You guys don't mind do you? We'll only be a minute!" 

You don't look to Tom for permission this time. He doesn't have that authority now, especially in a public restaurant in front of his own friends. With each step that carries you away from him and into salvation feels like a hefty weight of a year being relieved from your shoulders. Just simply out of spite, your head peers over your shoulder to find very, very agitated, but restrained, eyes following your every move. Although he loves to make the rules, it amuses you when he becomes detained by his own words. He won't stop you because he can't raise suspicions himself. Ha!

Grace drags into the ladies toilet, thankfully empty, and turns to face you. 

"Pee first. Explanation after."

Thank you, you angel.

"Please tell me there is a genuine reason I had to do that," she pleads as she dabs her silk dress. 

"Um...well..."

"Oh my god there is, isn't there? I knew it! I always knew something wasn't right! Harrison refused to believe me..."

"Wait...you knew?"

"Well I don't know what I know. I've always thought that there's something not quite right with Tom for a while now, with you-" she pauses when she takes in your skeletal frame now that you have stepped out from the cubicle. "Holy fuck..." Her gentle hands run down the lengths of your arms before engulfing you in a hug. A real hug; not something you're forced into. "Is it true?" You nod, words replaced by tears. "I didn't realise how bad it was, I'm so sorry, I should've done something sooner." Grace retreats, but close enough to run her thumb over your cheek, exactly like Tom did but this time you wince, he isn't here to reprimand you. "He's hurt you..." she whispers. The shock has reduced her voice into nothing, clearly in disbelief of the unimaginable pain you've suffered. 

"Still does," you sniff. "I-I need help, Grace, I don't know how to get out."

"I'll help you, darlin', I will, don't worry-"

"But he c-can't find out, he's too smart. You even said so yourself, if Harrison won't believe you, how can we convince anyone? No one would believe what he's really like!"

"I'll make him believe, okay? Trust me. I will do everything I can to help you. But first," she takes a step back, whipping out her phone from her clutch. "I know this will be painful, but show me where he has hurt you. Are there any...marks o-or bruises?" she winces. 

You show her, letting her capture every scar, burn, bruise, scab, cut and mark there is on your body, even the fingernail marks he made just moments before. Every single one of them has a story to be told, and they were all left there by Tom. It is humiliating, but it's a step closer to liberation. 

You're starting to become wary of how long you're taking, and you know that if you're not sat by his side in less than a minute, he will come hunting. You retouch your appearances, quickly devise a plan, and let Grace coordinate your redemption, praying with every ounce of hope you have left that she's successful. All you need to do now is wait.

"Okay," she sighs, "stay strong for me, yeah? I'll get you help as soon as I can. Just-" she sighs hopelessly, "just hang in there." She kisses your cheek and you both strut back to your table next to your counterparts. Tom's scrutinising glower already fixated on you, and it seems that he's relinquished control of his body to his temperament. He's fighting his own demons now: the fidgeting of his fingers, the non-stop drumming of his knee, the grinding of his jaw, the obsessive need to know his surroundings, it's all there. 

The facade perks up again as soon as you are sat next to him, already his arm slinging around your dainty shoulders. 

"Sorted?" Harrison asks, pecking Grace’s cheek. 

"Sorted," she ambiguously peers at you.

Sadly enough you didn't get dessert.

You and Tom very swiftly vacated after your visit to the toilet upon receiving an 'urgent message' that required Tom's immediate attention, leaving no time for Harrison or Grace to query this 'urgent message'.

Tom marches about three paces ahead of you and your pulse quickens at the sight of his front door. Key in hand - no, fist - as he slots it into the door, opening it and standing by it, waiting for you. Memories repeat themselves and you’re living deja vu. You've experienced his temperament before, the only silver lining being that you have a slight upper hand of predicting what he will do next. You think about your next steps carefully. He'll seize you the first chance he gets to interrogate you, but if you have the energy to sprint past him, which you should thanks to your nutritious meal, you could make it to the bathroom before he reaches you. Is it a risk you're willing to take? Hell yes.

Three, two, one. GO!

Everything happens so quickly. With a burst of adrenaline, your feet carry you past Tom, narrowly missing as he reaches out for you. With your escape, belligerent footsteps chase you in pursuit. You can't afford to look behind you, you have to keep your eyes forward, running in the pursuit of safety that is behind the sturdy lock of the bathroom door. Oxygen passes through your weary lungs but you won't give up now, not with the possibility that you could be free from this in a matter of 24 hours. Swinging left and right, nearly clambering over the mess in the hallway, you successfully make it to your temporary safety.

The door slams shut just mere seconds before Tom could get his hands on you. You stand breathlessly in the haunting bathroom as the aged, wooden door in front of you visibly rattles from its hinges. If it can just hold a little longer...

"Open the door!" he growls.

"No!" You shout back. The rattling stops and silence falls. Either your defiance has shocked him into silence or he really is listening. The latter of the two being an inconceivable suggestion considering tonight's events. How hopeful of you.

A minute passes by and nothing is heard. Panic settles in as you can't even begin to imagine what plan Tom has devised. Taking an inch at a time, you glide across the icy floor tiles, approaching the rickety door with immediate precaution. The cracks through the wood let you see through to the other side and Tom's nowhere to be seen. Not a single soul, but that doesn't mean you're safe. You don't even dare thinking about turning that door knob, not for one second because for every minute that goes by is one minute closer to freedom.

Footsteps approach again and Tom's silhouette floats towards the door but this time, his composure is scarily tame. Aside from the familiar, haunting footsteps there's a new sound, one that should be liberating but in your case could mean the end for you.

The jangling of keys. Specifically, keys to the lock that keeps you in and him out. You didn't know he kept spare keys...

You admit your defeat when the lock turns and unlocks. You don't even move, you can't. It's the paralysing hopelessness that renders your feet frozen to the spot as the rickety door eases open with a tantalising creak. Before you, Tom unveils his malice, his intention speaking for him as he closes the door in a calm demeanour that provokes your fear even more. With your back against the wall, all you can do now is pray.

"Please, Tom, don't. Please, please, please, I didn't say anything, I promise, please don't hurt me," you plead, your voice barely a whisper.

"Why don't I believe you?" He steps closer, his body testing his temper. He's a hair's breadth away now, but still he hasn't laid a finger on you. Unintelligible words are passing your lips, even you can't make sense of your desperate pleas. "Hm?" He cocks his head ever so slightly to the left and eases closer to your ear, forehead drilling into the side of yours. "What. Did. You. Say. To. Her?" he bites. 

"N-nothing! I promise-"

"Don't lie to me!" He swings and his fist collides with the wall beside you with an almighty blow. Specs of dust and rubble roll down your shoulder as you let out a piercing scream. All you can do is cower into yourself, it's the only thing that helps to physically block out his manic shouting, to stop him muttering hostile threats into your ear. Having lost your last line of defence, your knees give way and buckle beneath you leaving you a crumpled mess on the floor, eyes tearful and suddenly your camouflage dissipates. You can't hide the bruises now.

Tight hands coil your wrists, not in anger, but in desperation. Blood trickles down from his knuckles after the sharp blow to the bathroom wall. He sobs your name, completely unaware that he himself has taken an emotional diversion. As conditioned, you meet his eyes, both alike in appearance however as for motive, it's clear you both want different things.

"Please," he mutters, "for me. Promise me you didn't say anything."

In amongst the inconsolable sobs, you do somehow find the oxygen to lie to him hoping that it'll convince him and end this torture. He reconciles with his anger and sinks his head low, body drooping towards yours until finally, out of exhaustion, his head collapses rather uncomfortably into the curve of your neck still continuously sobbing.

He's defeated, he knows that. His insecurity has clearly gotten out of control and you hate to admit that you pity him. You do. You almost begin to speculate that he's just as lonely as you are. He yearns for attention, love and decent care. You just can't give that to him and due to his insecurity and despair, he can't accept that. He can't let go of his lifeline.

You take the opportunity in Tom's sensitive state to bring his wits about him with words you wouldn't dare speak if under any other circumstances.

"Tom, please, listen to me," you croak, voice worn away from terror. "I can't always be here for you-"

"You have to!" His words hit your collarbone.

"You need help! You can't live your life like this, and you know you can't live mine for me either. I can't give you what you want or what you need."

"But I need you," he pleads. He lifts his head, his hands circling your face and soaking up your tears. "You can't leave me!"

"Tom, let her go..."

A new voice enters the conversation. Relief washes over you as you find Harrison and Grace standing breathlessly in the doorway in front of the domestic mess that's ensued for the past year. Your liberation has arrived, your beam of light, your freedom. In that moment of sweet release, you could swear that you heard something break; maybe it was Tom's heart, maybe it was his sanity, or maybe it was his supremacy over you, but whatever it was, there's no denying that you could see it in his eyes. Betrayal and defeat are two very prominent emotions that are seeping from him as little droplets of tears fall onto your lap.

"You told her?" he whispers, lip quivering. If hopelessness was a person...

"I had to..." you whisper back. Harrison's hand cautiously rests on Tom's shoulder pulling him back from you. The space between you grows and grows until finally you are whipped from his clutches and your eyes disconnect for the last time. Grace leads you to the living room where you find two broody police officers waiting to escort you to the ambulance, one staying behind to deal with Tom in whatever way that may be.

"We told them we'd go by ourselves. Couldn't risk the police triggering a reaction from him especially if he was with you." You really didn't ask nor did you care, for now you are a free soul.

"Thank you, Grace."

~~~~

The rest of the night falls peacefully as you are tucked up into a hospital bed accompanied by Harrison and Grace. The doctor had completed his observation within a short amount of time and told you what you already know...

'Nothing broken, a few bruises here and there but you'll be okay.'

Will you? What about the colossal build up of emotional abuse? Or the scars disfiguring your skin? What will rectify that? Where's the justice in that?

You bite your tongue, frustration isn't going to fix anything.

As you lie there, you think back on the days you spent with Tom, not in sentiment but in remorse. Remorse for not taking action sooner, remorse for not realising Tom's symptoms sooner, remorse for not telling someone. You assume that the feeling won't leave you anytime soon as you dread the numerous visits to court, the recalling of the awful days to testify against him, and the public outcry from fans as you send him to jail. It will be the last battle to fight against him, but at least you know how uplifted you will feel when there comes a day where you can wake up to your own life, regaining back the days you have lost and finding love the right way. There will come a day where you can finally make your own decisions, dress how you want to dress, say what you want to say, act how you want to act and maybe, just maybe, you can be the liberation that other women, like you, dream of having.

And this time there's nothing holding you back.

[toms-littlegirl]

hey! can i get an angsty tom holland one? where they are both famous actors and they got in a fight before a red carpet event and they have to act like they are fine until one can't stand it anymore and decides to leave? ends with a fluff 😊 thank you! ��️

A/n: I wrote this whole thing in one go, didn't proofread it and it turned out pretty long. I hope you enjoy it, and my heart actually ached while writing it

Warning: Angst, anxiety and panic attacks, angry Harrison and Harry, fluff

Requests are still open

Red carpet

[[ MORE ]]

"I can't believe you! As if I would cheat on you", you yell as you and you boyfriend, of three years, left his hotel room. The argument has started really small, but carried on for about a week and now, on the day of the Far From Home premiere, it reached it's boiling point.

You met Tom through Harrison, because you have been Harrisons neighbour since you could think, causing you two to be best friends. Eventually you both got into Brit School, were you met Tom and Tuwaine and formed a friendship.

And for the longest of time, Tom hadn't had a problem with jealousy or anything, why should he, his best friend and girlfriend were best friends. There's nothing better than that.

But over the course of the last weeks, Tom grew jealous of your and Harrison.

It started with the fact, that Tom had to do more reshoots than you, leaving him at set for the most days. Now you and Harrison on the other side had plenty of spare time to fill, because you couldn't leave the city or go home, in case you were needed on set. But you guys didn't really plan on leaving anyway, you had missed spending time together, sure you lived together and Harrison was Tom's assistant, but he was also very busy besides that. Harrison worked for Tom, meaning he was always near him. You played the part of Tony Starks daughter and therefore didn't have as much screen time or shared scenes with Tom, as you had in the other MCU movies, leaving you mostly alone on set, friendwise.

So when you saw the opportunity to spend time with your childhood best friend, you took it, and so did Harrison. You guys went out for lunch together, went on walks with Tessa and started watching that new Netflix series. "Soon we're gonna watch you on Netflix", you teased and nudged him. His ears turned a bit red and he waved it of, but you knew he felt proud of himself, as did you and Tom. Harrison was the last to finally get his deserved role on screen and you were more than happy to celebrate.

While you and Harrison enjoyed your time catching up, Tom grew frustrated. He would come home late and find you and Harrison on the couch, looking a movie or playing some board game, you would always call him to join you, but he never wanted, he felt like he intruded. Then, on some days he would finish reshooting way earlier than expected, he would call one of you and ask if you wanted to go out for dinner, but almost every time he got shot down. "I'm sorry, Tommy. If we had known you would finish earlier. we would have waited for you, but we just got home from eating out", you apologised and promised to prepare something for him to eat when he got home. Other times he would call Harrison and ask if he wanted to hang out on set, because he had a break, before staring to shoot again. "Sorry mate, I'm on the other side of town with y/n. We're at this vintage flea market and would probably need an hour to get to you, especially because I keep losing her in the crowd", Harrison explained and Tom waved it off. But internally he was starting to doubt himself, what if you liked Harrison more than him and always dumped him on purpose? He chided himself, no he could hear the background noises in Harrisons call, you guys were really somewhere busy, but a part of him always nagged at his thoughts, 'maybe they both are gonna leave you'. His tired and overworked brain, made him come to assumptions he would usually never come to.

So when the day of the premiere rolled around, he was already on edge, tired and secretly insecure. You on the other hand were excited, Tom spent a lot of time working on this film and was usually so tired he would fall straight into bed, as soon as he got home. But now, that everything was wrapped up, he could maybe have a little more time for himself and relax.

"Zip me up please, Love?" you ask Tom and turn, slowly Tom walked up to you, he muttered something under his breath that you didn't catch. When he was done, you turned around and smoothed his suit over. "What did you say? I didn't catch it."

You could see Tom fighting with himself, thinking over what he should say, "Are you alright, Tom?", you asked, as he didn't answer. He breathed out, "I asked, if I really should be the person doing that." You laughed a bit confused, "Doing what? Zipping me up? Who should do if not you? Harrison?", you laughed, not being serious, why would Tom even question that. But when Tom didn't laugh with you, you stopped and furrowed your brows.

"Maybe he should! Spent all your time with him anyways", he spat and turned around. Where did that come from? You walked up to him, still a bit amused, that Tom is actually jealous of his best friend, but you didn't show it. "Are you jealous Tom? Why would you be jealous, Harrison's my best friend", you said calmly, but he spun around, anger clear in his eyes, "Maybe I wouldn't have to be jealous, if my girlfriend would actually spent her time with me! If you wanted to date him, you shouldn't even have started dating me!", he seethed and opened the door for you, you guys were always late, for everything and your argument didn't help this time.

That's where you were now, on your way to the car waiting for you.

"I can't believe you! As if I would cheat on you", you tell, but as soon as the elevator door opened and the paparazzi waited for you, every evidence of an argument was gone. Tom held your waist and shielded you from the masses of paparazzi swarming you. You both smiled politely, laughed and paused quickly for pictures, before getting in the car. But as soon as the car door closed, the mood shifted so much, that the driver rolled up the window between you guys and him and that was all Tom needed to continue the argument.

"Well it's not as if you haven't given me a reason to think otherwise! What were you only with me to get your big break or something?" You were speechless and deeply hurt. You truly didn't know where he was coming from, from your point of view, Tom was just unlucky with his timing.

You and Harrison had called him every other day, asking if he wanted to go grab lunch with you, but he was busy, which you understood, it was his movie. So the one day you didn't call, was when he was done earlier, but you and Harrison had already been out eating lunch. And when you guys were at the flea market it was just bad luck, you had been begging Harrison for ages to go there with you, you both loved fashion, and you used to go to flea markets with Harrison when you were younger, so it was some sort of tradition you guys had, and it was easier to go out with Haz in such a crowded place than with Tom, but when Tom called, you both felt pretty guilty. He now had to spent his break alone, but there wasn't really anything you could do. When he got home this evening, you wanted to show Tom what you bought, you even managed to pick some pretty cool things for Tom as well. Like some vintage Spiderman shirt or a new leather jacket, but he just told you he was to tired to look at it, promising to do so in the morning. But when you woke up the next morning, he already left, claiming he needed to be on set earlier.

"Excuse me!?", you cried out, even though you tried to avoid it, tears started to form in your eyes but you couldn't let them fall or the whole world would see you were crying and you didn't need this sort of rumours, when you didn't even know what was happening. "I would never cheat on you! Especially not with Harrison, he's like my brother.", you argued, blinking rapidly, Tom only scoffed, "You're not even defending that you only use me for fame!"

"I'm not using you for fame. I'm with you, because I love you, you twat. And just so you know, I was casted as Tony Starks daughter, when Spiderman wasn't even in the picture yet."

The car stopped and just before the door opened Tom said, voices laced with venom, "Go cry to your new boyfriend about it."

Your breathed hitched and you felt a lump forming in your throat, but you couldn't answer, because the door was opened for you and you were greeted with flash lights and shouts of your name.

You quickly put on the best smile you could muster and waved to the fans and the press. Toms arm wrapped around your waist felt wrong and you wanted to recoil from the touch.

You didn't hear anything, but your own blood rushing through your ears, and your breath got erratic. You didn't wanna be here, you wanted to leave and hide under your blanket. You wanted Tom to hold you, but at the same time you didn't, his touch right now didn't feel comforting like it usually did on a red carpet, to help you ease your anxiety. You felt his touch like an ice cold burn and your cheeks started to hurt from smiling so bright. Every time you laughed for the camera, you made sure to squeeze your eyes a bit, to make it look more genuine, but doing so only caused the risk to let a tear fall to go higher.

You finally reached the part of the carpet, where Harrison and Tom's family stood, your own family couldn't make it. As soon as Tom saw his parents he let go of you and walked over to them, but your sight just got worse, tears clouding your vision. Harry looked to you a frowned, he could probably see that something was wrong, because the two of you spent a lot of time together, when both Harrison and Tom were busy, he often took you out for shooting sessions and your Instagram feed has been blessed due to his pictures, but he had also witnessed one of your anxiety attacks first hand, when the two of you were out once. He nudged Harrison, who immediately saw that something was wrong, he rushed over. The smile on your face was slowly crumbling, but you couldn't break down crying here, for the whole world to see. You only saw Harrison when he was close enough to you. You wanted nothing more but to hug him, but that wasn't something you could do, the press would love it and that would make Tom even madder and as soon as he would touch you, all your walls would come falling down. Harrison reached out to you but you shook your head, you couldn't speak, as soon as you would open your mouth a sob would leave it.

It was getting harder to breath in your dress, it was dark red to match Tom's suit and now it felt like it was suffocating you. Harrison saw that you were having a panic attack, "should I go get Tom?", he asked, but stopped in his tracks as you shook your head and looked everywhere but to him. Harrison understood, that something must have happened between you and that you couldn't hold your mask for that long. He nodded to Harry and Tuwaine, and they both moved, so they would shield you from the press, but made it look like they stood there by accident.

Harrison looked at you worriedly, you still felt like you couldn't breathe. "Listen y/n/n. I know you wanna leave, but you can't just yet. I don't know what happend, but you can't show it right now. But breathe with me okay, then we see how we continue", Harrison said softly. You knew he spoke the truth, you couldn't leave. He helped you calm your breathing till it was easier to breath, still everything in felt wrong and you could feel Tom's glare on you, and that was almost enough for you to break down. "Listen, Tuwaine and Harry are gonna move now, smile and then you can walk down the carpent alone, down to the building. Yeah?", Harrison asked and you breathed in a deep breath, "you gonna walk with me?", you asked, your throat dry. Assistants or manager could walk behind an actor, with some space between them for the pictures and guide them down the red carpet.

Harrison shook his head, "Sorry, gonna have to walk with Tom." You nodded, it made sense, Harrison was Tom's assistant.

"I'll go with you", piped Harry up and you smiled thankfully. "Gonna glare at all those reporters, so no ones gonna want to talk to you", he joked and a giggle slipped past your lips. You didn't catch the thankful nod Harrison gave Harry. He nodded and started to guide you down the carpet. And he actually spoke the truth, you had to speak to only a handful of reporters and that not for too long.

You soon reached the cinema, where you all would watch the premiere and you dreaded thinking about sitting the whole movie next to Tom. Your breathing started to quicken up again, you now thought about what he said to you in the car. 'Go cry to your new boyfriend about it.' Does that mean you guys just broke up? Did he throw three years of loving you away, because he was jealous. Your vision blurred again and you had trouble catching your breath, "Harry", you whimpered out. He understood immediately, looking out to the carpet, Harrison and Tom just started walking down the second part, you were one of the first inside. Harry pulled you around a corner where no one would walk past. You had no a full blown panic attack, trying to breath, but not catching your breath. "I'm gonna open your dress a bit, okay, so you can breath easier.", Harry asked and you nodded. Harry threw his jacket over your shoulders, still standing in front of you and opened your dress. The jacket helping to prevent someone seeing you with your dress open. As soon as the dress was open you could breath better, but tears were now running down your face.

Harry wanted to start calming you, just like you explained him to do, he asked you about it after witnessing your panic attack and didn't know what to do. But you cut him off before he could even start.

"I think he broke up with me", saying it only made it worse and more real, but you repeated it again, more for yourself, but Harry still heard you. Seeing someone he looked at like a big sister cry made Harry's chest ache.

"No, I'm sure it's something you can talk about again.", Harry tried to assure you, but he wasn't sure himself, he didn't even know what happened.

"Do you want me, to drive you home, after the movie?", he asked softly and you nodded, knowing Harrison probably couldn't leave Tom's side for the day.

Soon the first persons started to enter the cinema and Harry zipped up your dress again, "Oh no, I probably look like mess", you said, you didn't want the press or Tom see you like that. Harry looked around and saw the person he was looking for.

"Hey Vanessa, come over", he said once said girl was in hearing distance. She was your make up artist for red carpets and would usually only powder your nose, so you wouldn't shine on the pictures, but as soon as she was you, she knew you needed a bit more. But with no questions asked she began to save your make up.

She was done at the same time Tom and Harrison and the rest of the family entered. You thanked her and she smiled, before walking away. Harry had already taken his jacket and before you started to walk towards the rest, you pulled on Harry's sleeve, "Do Harrison and I act like a couple?", you asked quietly, afraid he would confirm Tom's thoughts. But Harry just frowned confused. "No? You act like me and Sam do. I can't even imagine you two as a couple. Why would you- oh." He understood why you were asking, he understood where all this trouble came from. "He's wrong, you know. And he knows it too."

You couldn't concentrate on the movie, only on the boy next to. Tom didn't speak to you while you waited in the cinema and he didn't spoke as soon as you sat down next to each other. He didn't touch you either and you didn't know if you were glad or hurt.

Tom could see Harrison and Harry talking before the movie started, but he didn't hear them. He saw that you were hurting, most likely had a panic attack the whole carpet, but he didn't find it in him, to help you. In his mind he was the one who deserved to hurt. But he felt guilty, knowing public events weren't your strong suit, he had noticed, that Harry and you disappeared on the carpet.

"He took her inside", Harrison remarked as he saw Tom looking through the crowd. Tom didn't answer, "Are you going to tell me what all that is about? Why you left her alone on the carpet?" Tom rolled his eyes and smiled for the camera. "Shouldn't be my concern. She's your girlfriend." Harrison would have laughed, if he didn't know that Tom was being serious. They started to walk down the carpet. "Are you fucking kidding me? Don't tell me you're being serious. She's my little sister."

Tom just internally rolled his eyes, as he couldn't do it for real, while all the cameras followed him.

In the cinema he didn't even look at you. Deep down he knew, as soon as he would, he would cave and he couldn't have that. The further along the movie went, the more Tom realized, that maybe, he could be wrong. He spared one glance at you and saw how furrowed your brows were, as if you were forcing yourself to look at the movie. As he looked down to your hands, he saw they were curled into fists so hard, that they turned white. He knew this was something you did to force yourself into calmness. He also knew, that would leave marks on your palm, which why he normally would take your hands and kiss them if he saw you doing that. But not now, he willed himself to stay angry, though his reasoning for that became less and less serious. He thought, that he could talk to her at the after show party and he also knew he had to apologise to Harrison.

After the movie there was a lot of chaos, people came and left. A lot of people wanted to talk to Tom, his cast mates came up to him and he lost sight of who he was looking for. He thought he would see you in the car, since you arrived together, you should leave together to get to the after show party. But Tom drove alone, he thought you would probably go and drive with Harrison and his mood soured, of course you would.

He arrived at the party and saw Harrison talk to Sam and he went over to them. The mood shifted and everyone in their circle noticed. "Where's y/n?", Tom asked as calmly as he could, but his jealousy seeped through. Sam raised his eyebrows at his brothers voice, "What? You didn't know?"

"Know what?", Tom snapped, "About her and Harrison? Yeah I know!" Sam rolled his eyes and Harrison clenched his jaw before speaking, "You're such a dick sometimes, you know that?" Tom raised his hands in mock surrender, "Oh I'm sorry, was that supposed to stay a secret? What you wanna tell me she's not here, getting you a drink?", Tom asked.

"She's not here you twat", said a voice behind him, Harry came, still adjusting his bracelet he got at the front door, "She's in your hotel room, crying her eyes out, because she thinks you hate her and broke up with her." Harry spoke calmly, though it was clear that he was both angry and worried. The other boys also looked worried as Harry spoke.

Tom looked like he wanted to wanted to go, comfort you, but he swallowed it down and looked to Harrison, "What? You don't wanna go comfort her? You spent all your time together anyways." "Yeah! Because you were working and I missed my childhood best friend and it's not like we didn't want you. Every time we asked you waved us off. Y/n got so worried about you over working yourself, that she booked a vacation for you two in a few weeks. Are you even listening to yourself, she's your girlfriend, she loves you."

Tom shook his head, not wanting it to be true, because of it was true, he would have fucked up big time.

"She fucking broke down crying in the cinema, because she thinks you broke up with her, and then she asks me, if her and Harrison look like a couple.", Harry raged, "They look like best friends since kindergarden if you ask me", Sam and Harrison nodded, "Tom, you want to marry that girl and now you get so worked up over something stupid you made up in your mind." "Do you really think, I would steel your girl. Low Tom, really fucking low.", Harrison said and the hurt in his voice was clear. If Harrison already felt like this, how were you feeling? Tom's mind started to swirl, he crouched down, head in his hands.

"Oh, I fucked up, I fucked up" the boys looked at him, "Tom, get up." But Tom didn't move, he repeated the same words over, till Harrison pulled him up by the shoulders, "people are looking, get a grip. Yeah you fucked up, ho make it right.", snapped Harrison. Tom looked at his best friend, "Haz, fuck I'm so sorry. I don't, I..I don't know what I was thinking. Fuck I'm sorry. I'm so stupid", Tom cried out, desperate to get his friends forgiveness. But Harrison just looked at Tom, "Yeah welcome back to the land of the thinking, you were missing for the last few days. Apologise to y/n and then we see where we stand."

When you arrived at your and Tom's shared room you broke down crying

Forgetting Harry was still with you, you immediately unzipped your dress and let it fall to your feet, before walking over to your bedside. Harry looked away respectfully, the art on the wall suddenly very interesting. You pulled on the shirt you always slept with and sunk to the floor, hyperventilating. You had realised that you were wearing Tom's shirt and that made your heart ache, thinking to yourself that maybe that's the closest you will ever get to him again.

Harry rushed to your side and held your face between his hands. "He hates me", you choked out, feeling like there was a hand squeezing your heart. You wanted to scream, but couldn't even get a good breath. Your fingers wrapped around Harry's wrists. Needing the feeling of someone holding you.

"No, darling. He loves you, he's being stupid. Harry held you for a good fifteen minutes, always calming you down again, "He said he wanted to marry me. Now he wants nothing to do with me", you said with a broken voice as another sob left your lips. Harry comforted you, his frustration for his brother grew stronger. "You guys will get married, don't worry. He's just an idiot", Harry promised you, and made it his inner mission to help Tom see his mistake. "You should go to the party", you mumbled after some time. Harry was reluctant to leave you, but eventually caved.

Leaving you alone, you managed to get on the bed, but crawled over to Tom side. The pillow smelled like him as did the blanket, so it felt like a warm hug. You sobbed again, you wanted Tom, not just his pillow.

You fell asleep eventually, you don't know how long you slept, but you woke up with a hand slowly combing through your hair. It was still styled for the carpet and you still had your make up on. When you opened your eyes you saw Tom kneeling beside you. You quickly sat up, trying to move back to your side, trying to mumble a quick apology, never meeting his eyes. His hands gripped your forearm.

"No you don't have to move. Just listen", he pleaded. You saw the hurt in his eyes and you wanted to console him. You didn't say anything and Tom took that as a sign to continue.

"I'm such a dick, y/n. I never meant any of those things I said. I was stressed and grew insecure and stupid. I was so jealous, because I didn't get to spent time with you that I thought you didn't want to spent time with me. And then I thought, you and Harrison could be together, because at least he has time for you. I'm so so sorry. y/n. Darling please look at me", he begged for his forgiveness, tears stung in his eyes, and your cheeks were already wet from crying so much.

"Tom, you hurt me", you whimpered and Tom's head snapped to look at you, "I thought you hate me and want nothing to do with me. I love, I never, never would cheat on you", you sobbed and wrapped you in a hug, causing you to sob harder.

"I'll never hurt you like that again. I know I hurt you and I fucking hate myself for it", Tom's voice cracked and tears poured down his cheeks. "I love you so much. I'll never let you go never. I promise."

You nodded and finally felt his lips against yours again.

That night you slept clinging to each other, Tom still in his suit, only took off his shoes and you still with your make up and hair done. But at least you were together again.

And Tom vowed himself, when he woke up the next morning and softly started to remove the make up from your sleeping form, that he would never ever hurt you like that again.

[etoileholland]

Note: please do not repost (copy and paste my writing) and try to claim it as your own.

as of 10/2020 requests are closed

The warnings are in parentheses, if any.

✨ Blessing in disguise; you and Tom are in university together, and the cuteness that ensues (fluffy blurb) (also my first piece)

✨ Last First Kiss; in which you’re afraid of having your first kiss, but Tom is more than patient. (major fluff, a tad bit of body insecurity)

✨ Hold me close, I’ve never been so far from home; because of quarantine, you can’t go back home. Also, you and the boys are getting fed up with each other. (angst, arguments, bad words)

✨ Dinner For Schmucks; you have had far too many bad dates, and Tom has to come rescue you yet again. (major fluff)

✨ I will make it up to you; while in quarantine, you and Harrison are not getting along, and it worries Tom. (slight angst, a sprinkling of bad words, fluff)

✨ Why must I meet you in a secret rendezvous?; you and Harry are best friends, but you’re dating Tom behind his back. (a lil argument)

✨ Love showed up at my door; Tom and Harrison fell in love with the pizza delivery girl, and now they’ve eaten far too much pizza. (just cheesy)

✨ My devilish darling boy; Tom’s son accidentally ruins his script for his new movie after finishing it and is reluctant to tell the truth after Tom blames it on his brothers. (a little argument and some bad words)

✨I can’t hide you from it all; while having a date night, you and your husband Tom left your three year old son to be watched by the boys. Your son ends up getting hurt and Tom isn’t happy. (a trip to the urgent care but nothing gross)

✨ I’d gladly surrender myself to you, body and soul; A lonely Tom wanders into an old jazz club where reader is a last minute substitute sultry singer. The two lock eyes and reader makes the first move by getting flirty during her song and Tom is desperate to find her after the show. (none)

✨ Bundle of joy; you and Tom already have twin boys, but when you become pregnant again, you decide to keep the gender a secret until the birth (none)

✨ La vie en rose; while at a museum in Paris, you meet Tom, a boy so beautiful that the masterpieces pale in comparison to him (none)

✨ Meet the parents; Tom is introducing his girlfriend for the first time to his family and Harrison and she’s a bit nervous but he tells her not to worry (none)

✨ Holland Park; your boyfriend Tom gives you your first ever kiss on a picnic date (none)

✨ I’m not half the man I used to be;  in the span of two years, you and Tom went from being inseparable, to him being someone you heavily detested. What happens when one drunken night rolls around and he wants to reconcile? (alcohol and drinking, a wee bit of angst with a fluffy ending)

✨ The Sims;  You teach the boys how to play the Sims, which may or may not have been a good idea. (fluff)

✨ Seeing double; Tom gets you, his girlfriend, and your identical cousin mixed up, which causes a lot of misunderstanding. (none) 

✨ lead me to your door; you’re Tom’s music loving neighbour, and he loves hearing you play music from your apartment, until one day it stops, which worries Tom (none)

✨If I could be that guy instead of me; Tom doesn’t think you like him in the same way, especially not after seeing you fawn over someone else.

✨ yours truly; a letter box shaped bag prompts Tom to tell you just how much you mean to him (no warnings)

✨ sealed with love, part 2 to ���yours truly’, where Tom works up the courage to propose to you with the help of an old friend (no warnings)

✨ Hold me tight, tell me I’m the only one; you ask a clueless & oblivious Peter to the 60′s themed prom. (just a ton of fluff)

✨ As sweet as chocolate;  Peter falls in love with the sweet girl who works at a chocolatier. (all fluff)

✨ don’t leave me waiting here; Peter, after a failed mission, lashes out at the reader. (angst but fluff at end)

✨ cooking fiasco; after a failed attempt at making your anniversary dinner, Pepper and May help save the day (fluff)

✨ it’s nice to have a friend; upon finding out that you have no friends at school, Peter wants to be yours 

✨ untitled; a social media au where Tom shows off his girlfriend at a premiere (fluff)

✨ à toi pour toujours- yours always ; a social media au where Tom proposes to you in Paris (fluff)

✨ in my life, I’ll love you more; a social media au where Tom and the reader get married (fluff)

✨ my brother’s best friend; a social media au where you’re Tom’s sister and you’re dating Harrison (fluff)

✨ words hurt; being best friends with Harrison and Tom & them being protective of you when you receive hateful comments (insecurity)

✨ tall girl struggles; dating Harry Holland and feeling insecure about your height

✨ not in the same way; where you’re in love with Peter but he loves MJ

✨ feeling left out; where because of a rumour, Tom and the gang purposefully exclude you

✨ hush; harrison doesn’t tell his family that he’s with you until they accidently find out

✨ I do; where Tom asks for your parents permission for your hand in marriage

• more to come soon •

[harths]

─────────        𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋    𝐀𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓.

cleo de nile is the youngest daughter of ramses de nile and dedyet de nile,  born around 2500 BC,  several years after her sister nefera de nile.  raised as egyptian royalty there were high standards for her to meet  -  both her father and sister seeing her as someone incapable of meeting these and fuelling her insecurities.  when ramses’ brother threatened their rule, ramses brought his family into hiding with him.  when ramses was killed,  his staff were under orders to kill his wife and daughters and mummify them alongside him,  so they could remain with him in the afterlife,  but the same brother had cursed his tomb to prevent his crossing.  the four of them were trapped until tomb raiders freed them in the late 1900s.  character wise;  she is very much the stereotypical queen bee,  rude and bossy and expectant that people want to discover the heart underneath it all.  she is a deeply insecure person and projects this onto other people instead of trying to come to terms with knowing she cannot ever go to the afterlife she was promised.  she explores both mean - girl  /  prom - queen tropes,  and ideas of decaying and being absent in your own body.

─────────        𝐌𝐀𝐉𝐎𝐑    𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒.

𝟶𝟷.    the burial was something extremely traumatic for her,  being stuck in a sort of purgatory for hundreds of years without means of escape.  her major fears after being released from the sarcophagus are the dark, confined spaces, and being alone    -    her undeath having been far from peaceful because of its circumstances.

𝟶𝟸.    cleo’s focus on appearance stems not from narcissism as she lets people believe, but from her fear of decay. maintaining her looks and fitness are something that gives her a sense of control in the matter.  the bandages she wears are for the same reasons, to help preserve her body with the fears being the mummification process was unsuccesful and she will continue to decompose even now.

𝟶𝟹.    cleo is transgender,  while not a major facet of my portrayal,  it is important to note because this was not a social issue in ancient egypt  -  meaning both that she transitioned before her death,  and that despite all the issues her family have this is not one of them.  cleo has used she/her pronouns from a young age.

𝟶𝟺.    unlike the canon presented in creeperific mummy makeover,  i do not write dedyet as a returning character,  the de nile family do not know of her whereabouts and believe her body to have been taken by tomb raiders in the 1600s.  supposedly ramses is trying to find her but cleo hasn’t seen proof of this or her being undead.

𝟶𝟻.    in modern terms,  cleo would be regarded as a witch.  when she was alive her path was going to be towards a high priestess,  she still believes in and worships her gods,  unaware of what happened she believes her eternal life to have been a blessing from those same gods,  so still considers herself to be a religious person.

─────────        𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘    𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐒.

𝙼𝙾𝙽𝚂𝚃𝙴𝚁 𝙷𝙸𝙶𝙷.        16-18.  set within the monster high canon,  with major influences from the lisi harrison novels.  cleo has lived through an eternity and becoming the queen of her high school is the next step on her agenda.  fuelled by the pressure her father and sister are placing upon her she’s just trying to live her life.

𝙵𝙰𝙽𝚃𝙰𝚂𝚈 𝙼𝙴𝙳𝙸𝙰.        18-20.  crossover into universes such as tvd + twilight.  with her heritage becoming a closely guarded secret,  cleo uses her knowledge of curses and history to make a living.  overall characterisation is the same but her ‘monster’ status is hidden,  an attempt to live a normal life despite everything.

[natsukitakama]

Headcanon: Earth 2 Harrison Wells falls in love with you

Author note : I am just going to pretend nothing happen to our precious grumpy scientist 

I felt a bit insecure about it I read it like a thousand time before publish it I hope it’s fine please let me know ♡ 

i do not own the gif credit to the owner @irondowney​

Warning : possibly spoiler from season 2 and 3 of the Flash

It all started the first time he saw you,  when he came on earth 1 for the very first time #DaddySaviour

you were one of those (with Caitlin) who were a bit cautious with Harry you tried to be nice with him but knowing by experience that a wells could be dangerous. 

but still you were one of the nicer with him

he has appreciated that like a lot, but at this moment he didn’t think much of it 

For him you were a nice co-worker as Caitlin was 

Team flash saw you as a blessing, : cause every time you were here Harry tried to loosen-up 

He didn’t  behave like he used to 

Hell sometimes he was about to yell at someone but the second he saw you, he just calm down 

They also started to notice his behavior when you were around 

It’s all start with simple things : always make sure to look presentable even stick out his chest trying to look more muscular (by flexing his arms) and taller if that is even possible 

They began being suspicious

Like I said he tried to cool-off everytime you were around as if he didn’t want you to see « grumpy Harry » which make them curious 

The fact he wasn’t yelling at you didn’t help either 

The last straw was when Harry started to make you coffee, We all know how coffee is important to him but still he always thought making you a cup of coffee : he didn’t do that for the other 

He even threw a book at Cisco for finishing coffee maker and not making new coffee : It never happen with you 

He always trying to find an excuse to his manners 

« Y/N is working hard you should do as Y/N do Ramon » 

« What seducing you ? » 

« They not… you know what you’re jealous that’s all » 

Of course the way he acted around you was an echo to your behavior 

Harry starts having suspicious when he saw you blushing when he complimented you 

Plus you were so careful with him : You always made sure he slept enough, ate enough

His heart couldn’t take it : this was absolutely too sweet for him 

you were killing him by acting like this

And it didn’t help you were one of the only people who trusted him even when he betrayed Barry by steeling his speed in order to save his daughter 

« Come on guys he is a freaking Dad what did you expect him to do ? He never lies about it he always said he’ll always pick his family first and so do everyone here ! » 

He has known about your speech later (cause he was a bit stuck on the pipeline). But for now he has to focus on his mission : get his daughter back 

After that he might try to make a move 

I said try 

Of course it wouldn’t be that simple 

After taking his daughter back closing the last breaches and making sure there no way Zoom could go to earth 1 losing Jay at the process

Everyone wasn’t very cheerful  : Especially you. 

For an unexplainable reason (For Harry) you started feeling guilty about it as if you didn’t work enough for TeamFlash 

If you worked harder maybe you could heal Jay with Caitlin so he won’t die ??? 

Harry wanted to do something about it but again he had his whole « find my teenage daughter » mission 

After the whole Zoom’s chapter Harry has to go back to his earth : his mission was over 

Since he didn’t make a move about your potential crush at each other he didn’t thought he would be good to tell you his feeling. Especially because he didn’t plan to go back so it’ll be useless. But both of you were in love though 

Fortunately , destiny has something planned for you 

Harry finally went back on earth 1 not for you but for his daughter 

But still he was back, and you didn’t plan to lose this chance 

You started to get closer to him slowly at first 

but again, it couldn’t be that easy

He was genuinely concerned about his daughter and he might decided to ignore you (cause he felt really empty without you but won’t tell he was too afraid the feeling wouldn’t be mutual) and we’re talking about Harry he is grumpy and a bit harsh when he wants to. Especially when was bothered by something in our case he was bother cause he couldn’t help but think about you

So one day a fight happened between you two and you just left him not wanting being mean at him and that is how he knows you mattered to him a lot and couldn’t pretend you weren’t. 

he couldn’t rationalize it he just felt it : the second you left the room, he felt empty, guilty, sad the way he felt a lump on his throat as if he couldn’t breath.

He offered you a big belly burger to apologize (that how you knew something was happening)

he knew you weren’t just a crush (still hate his word) to him

It was obvious :  How he was astonished by the way you look. How his heart fluttered when you smiled or just said his name 

Your laugh definitely became his favorite sound (with BabyJesse laugh but it’s a secret)

The way he felt his cheeks burned when you smiled at him or worst when you sent a wink. He became a mess around you.: He couldn’t make any sentence without a stammer or thought properly when you were around him.

All he was asking was to be closed to you, kiss you, Hug you make you feel loved. But he has lost you now has he ? Well that what he thought 

Again Destiny has planned for you :  during a « normal » mission you decided to fight crimes with Barry : even if Harry didn’t want that he couldn’t say anything. You got hurt : some bad guy choke you against a wall and the last thing you saw was Barry before collapsed 

Harry was so tensed : this was all his fault he shouldn’t ignore you so you wouldn’t have reason to go with Barry you’ll be safe. Of course he couldn’t know that but seing you right there unconscious : he wish he could be there and wring that bad guy’s neck 

In a flash you were at Caitlin’s side to let her « does her magic » as she says. 

And he felt it again his stomach was twisted, the lump on his throat and felt like he was about to cry : what if you didn’t wake up ? He won’t be able to confess to you at all. For a moment you were the only thing on his mind. 

His heart was pounding as if he could go through his chest. He will give everything to go back in time just to save you. 

You woke up eventually. The first thing you saw was harry sleeping his hand on his fist 

Team flash teased you about it especially because he was always by your side. Which was true after your accident he couldn’t not being there for you 

Screw Savitar and all bad guys he was stronger enough to protect you 

After that he started getting closer to you. Which flustered you but you won’t argue it felt so nice having him around 

Cisco teased him so much : You just give him a weapon against Harry 

« Come on ask her on date dude what are you waiting for ? » « I don’t know what are you talking about Ramon. » 

The truth is, Harry wanted to confess when he’ll confident enough. But it never happens at least not as fast as Cisco would. Since his « crush » on you it became difficult to work with Harry because he wasn’t really focused on the work.

That’s how the war began. If he wasn’t ready to confess maybe someone could push him to.

The mission was simple : Push Harry to confess

Every member of the team flash decided to help him too. They couldn’t bear this lust/love aura around you everytime you met each other.

Since harry was quick to react team flash decided to force him to confess by making him jealous. Which sound like a genius plan on their mind 

All they have to do was to find a rival. And who is better to challenge a wells than another wells ? 

See where I’m going 

They asked cutie pie HR to play it. He accepted just to tease his friends 

So for about two weeks HR has started his mission “Push harry to make a move for fuck sake”

That’s quite something : every time his dopple’ was around Y/N, Harry felt it his « dark instinct » as he calls it 

Something was telling him to get HR away from you : but how ? 

It wasn’t like you were his. He didn’t has the right 

You on the other side realized what this all was about, and thought it was a great way tot know if Harry was a interested or not. Plus it amuses you seeing him gets angry against HR but tried to keep his poker face.

It took harry two weeks before explode and took you apart from him 

«Harry what’s wrong ? » « I don’t want to see you with him » «  what ? » « you hear me » « and why is that ? » 

At this time he got you closer to him while looking at you right on yours eyes. Harry wasn’t good at feelings he never knew how to say it properly 

So he showed you 

In a flash you were back on the wall while Harry gave you the most possessive kiss you never have. The way he hold you for dear life,  the way his lips and tongue moved against yours. Everything coming from his body told you the way he felt.

After all this time flirting getting distant and get closer again it finally happened 

Harry only broke the kiss because you were out of air, both of you were a mess 

Your lips was swollen by the kiss and his hair was a mess 

« Well that was quite an expressive kiss Harry » 

He just chuckled and then put his forehead against yours while whispering you how much he loves you, You on the other hand told him how fool he was for believing he wasn’t enough 

[sincerely-junkie]

To whom it may concern:

Today at work as I shuffled around pastries, grumpy old ladies and fresh bagels, I listened to a coworker grumble about her boyfriend. As she listed on and on about everything that weighs heavy on her heart, I couldn’t help but to think “what is she doing?” So being the subtle person I am I said “what are you doing with this guy?! You deserve better”. To which her response was.... “all men are scumbags”.

It sent me back to a time that I agreed with her. The role of a man is to control, overpower, dictate and do what he wants as the lady sits quietly to the side. You can never shine too bright, speak too loud, succeed too much because you may be just that... too much. My role was to support and uplift my weight and his because he had enough problems of his own to help me with mine. And what was a woman who stands on her own? Lonely.

As I’m typing this I can’t help but to cringe and hesitate on whether or not I should post something so raw. But I want to be fearless in the telling of my story in hopes that my words proclaim the victory God has given me not only of drug addiction but of the lies society tries to tell us.

So yes. I was the girl that chose silence over singleness. Throughout my journey, I have learned so much about myself that I actually like. And they are the parts that were nearly snuffed out by the men too insecure to cherish them.

I am quirky and goofy. My laugh echoes and my snorts are embarrassingly comical. I’m athletic and competitive. I love to sing and dance and take pictures of the things I love— not just myself. I am adventurous and eat chicken nuggies in bed. I will always choose a kids movie over anything and I am that crazy girl that adopts a pitbull and puts a sweater on it. I am smart and capable and strong.

Now back to “all men are scum”. Once I grew to love myself, I saw my singleness as individuality. I am not an accessory to a insecure man. I had always heard the saying “find a man that you would want your children to look up to and who dates your dad”.

SUCH A TALL ORDER! That means a man that is God-Fearing, strong in prayer and heart, a leader and my best friend. A man that makes me laugh, holds my hand in church and wipes away my tears. Who hugs my mama, calls my dad and is trusted by my brother. A man that never sees me as too much but pushes me to go farther in my faith, success and growth then my own expectations. A man that treats me like a princess never having to touch a door, pull out my own seat and pump my own gas. A man that isn’t afraid to speak into my life to make me a BETTER woman, not a LESSER woman.

You see, I no longer need a man to complete me. God does that. And I don’t want to complete someone else. But I want to compliment someone and help them shine just as much as they compliment me.

I feel like this entry is riddled with corny sayings but they all ring with truth.

“God gives you something when you stop looking for it”. I had to start my life all over. I had to fall on my knees and give everything to God. I had to focus on me and growing to be the best me possible. For myself. For my family. For my serenity.

I found myself.

Then... emerging from the shadows.... came a blessing.

He shines love and light and sweetness and strength to all those around him. My adventure buddy. Confidant. Supporter.

A good ol’ boy from Wisconsin who has a past but is a true testament to God’s redemption. A man I’m proud of.

So I’ll wrap this all up with three key points to this jumbled mess of an entry.

1. You are never too much of who God created you to be.

2. Never settle.

3. I am so incredibly blessed with you, Harrison. Happy birthday.

Sincerely,

Junkie

[loveisaviolence3]

🎰 ily

ship generator / accepting.

shane collins / rebecca sutter. oh… this is good. potentially bad, but still so very good. i have so much love in my heart for these messed up kids. i very much need to rewatch htgawm to articulate my feelings ab this but Yeah. 

harrison wright / maggie pierce. these two would certainly be Interesting. i like thinking about each of them having respective fields in which they feel comfortable asserting themselves (harrison as a gladiator, maggie as a surgeon) but not being comfortable with who they are at their cores in vastly different ways. harrison feels like a fraud, maggie feels she is sheltered, and both of them can be insecure about themselves and their life experience as a result. cool cool!

hayley marshall / alex karev. nice!!!!!! i love two snarky jerks with terrible upbringings/backgrounds who go from being on their own with only themselves to rely on to having families and support systems and the like. i love that they’re intensely loyal to their chosen group of people and that each of them learn to aspire to have and be more– and also that in stressful situations, they can regress to lesser versions of themselves and the violence those versions are familiar with. i feel like they would get along well, if only because they’re both tough and fluent in sarcasm. 

cami o’connell / piper mclean. um!!! kickass girls who understand that being a hero is being brave enough to stand up and do what’s necessary!! who wear cute jackets!!! who want to make the hearts of other people full!! and also just, both of them being very well known, just for… different reasons obviously since the connells are known in nola for murdery reasons but. interesting point maybe? anyway cami would love her. 

daisy johnson / joan watson. i really don’t know a whole lot about joan but i want it. give it to me. it would be beautiful, i just know it. 

claude de valois / adrian ivashkov. lmao i’m gonna die these two would be so wild

lorenzo st. john / jessica jones. oh my god my boy’s gonna die

octavia blake / jefferson “jax” jefferson. i need to return to legends but octavia thinks he’s so cute and wants to get him into so much trouble. i want it. 

marcel gerard / claire danvers. morganville / tvd verse crossovers are so fun. i can’t believe marcel’s gonna adopt another scary daughter and her name is claire danvers i have been so blessed on this day! 

freya mikaelson / isabelle lightwood. unstoppable bi sisters who would and have given everything for their families and are self sacrificing to a fault. i have a tear in my eye. but also i think it’d be really interesting to see how izzy responded to freya’s callousness and ends justify the means mentality and how their different perspectives might cause them to clash considering their strong personalities. i’m not articulating myself well but this would be so lovely. 

[standbyphoenix]

River Phoenix, NATURE BOY by Dan Yakir (Sky Magazine, 1989)

On location in Tacoma, Washington, where he's filming I Love You To Death with William Hurt, Kevin Kline and, oddly, Tracey Ullman. River Phoenix, at 18, is the perfect, quiet professional. An Oscar nomination for Running On Empty, in which he, coincidentally, plays the son of 60's radicals, hasn't made him any more impressed by Hollywood. In fact, he lives on the opposite side of the continent in Florida.

The veteran of The Mosquito Coast, in which he played Harrison Ford's alternately confused and supportive son, and of the coming of age stories, Stand By Me and Jimmy Reardon. Phoenix was born by natural childbirth in Oregon and named after the river of life in Herman Hesse's Siddartha. His parents were then missionaries for an organization called The Children of God and befitting the hippie legacy that inspired his upbringing (and that of his brother Leaf, and sisters Rainbow, Liberty and Summer), he is a vegetarian, an incurable romantic and something of an idealist.

You grew up under rather unique circumstances. Do you feel different, enclosed in your own little universe? [Chuckles] "That's something I'm afraid of. I don't want to separate myself from the rest of the world. If the world's not doing too good, I'm a part of it - I'll be happy to take the blame. I'm along for the ride. But yeah. I feel different in a lot of ways because my beliefs aren't very typical. In fact a lot of people I talk to disagree with me."

What do they disagree about? "About the nuclear arms race, prejudice in South Africa. A lot of people I hang out with agree, but it's obviously not of universal appeal; otherwise things would change. But I don't think things can change overnight; a slow evolution has to take place. One of my beliefs is about harmlessness to animals. I don't believe in eating meat or using any animal by-products or contributing to suppressing animals - or people either". 

"One thing I'd like to do when I have the money is to buy thousands of acres of Brazilian rainforest and make a national park, so no one can bulldoze it an put up a McDonald's. I guess people find security in a Big Mac, but that's our oxygen! In fact, McDonald's claim they don't use cattle reared on cleared rainforest land. And it's a chicken shit approach - the mass slaughtering of animals."

You sound like an idealist, but we're living in a materialistic world. "Yeah, I try to stay away from that. I don't feel that I am attached to material things, though I have all the comforts that a lot of people don't have. I have the modern conveniences of a blender, a toilet, a shower. A lot of people have to do their thing in the gutter."

But you have much more than that at this point! "At this point, yes I have an automobile, a nice guitar - actually, a few of them, but they are not really extravagant. But, you know, up to three years ago, we, this family, were worried about paying the rent. It was after Jimmy Reardon that we first had financial stability. That's when we bought a car that wasn't old or used. One of our biggest dreams is to own a ranch, to have a base camp, where the kids can grow up in a nice setting. But right now we don't really have enough money to buy the place we want.

I'm not into the whole clothes thing: I live pretty simply. I feel there are different stages in one's life, and I might at one point decide to devote myself to a more spiritual road, giving up all material possessions ... Just moving out to the jungle some place and living like an ape man for a while. That's something that fascinates me."

You've done that, haven't you? "Not really, not out of choice. And it was more like a desperate situation. My parents did that, though. They dropped out in the late 60's and lived by faith throughout the 70's."

How difficult was that period for you? Did you feel resigned to being there with them or did you rebel? "No, no, no, we were always really tight and together in the beginning, you're just born into that reality and you accept it. I'm very thankful for my early childhood and growing up in the situation that I did in South America living around people who were really humble with a lifestyle that called for a lot of faith, without money. You couldn't be an asshole in that situation. You had to work with the people to survive. I learned a lot being very young, and I hope I don't lose that. Obviously I've lost a lot of my innocence. I was very naive when I first came to the States, and when I first came to Hollywood. But I guess I could look back years from now and see myself as very naive. It's all relative."

It's a strange coincidence that in your new movie, Running On Empty, you play a kid who has a deep conflict of interest with his parents. In Little Nikita, too, there's an almost unbridgeable gap between your character and his parents. "Yeah, a victim. That's something I want to get away from. But the two movies are really different. Running On Empty is about ex-radicals who blew up a napalm lab during the Vietnam War, and since then they've been running from the law, not for selfish reasons, but because of the kids - they wanted to raise us themselves, not to have us grow up in foster homes or in an institution. The thing is that we've had to live completely underground, moving often, using different names - always having to lie, in order to live a whole life, they have to lie for Danny, my character, and he has to lie to himself, suppressing his true feelings."

How did you manage to protect your individuality within your own family? "We all look completely different from each other and we all have our distinct things. Leaf was the family clown, the comedian - very witty and smart. Rainbow was the older sister and trend setter. Mom had to work a lot, so she took her place. I played the guitar ... I went off to my room a lot and had a real goofy side to me, really corny - laughing about stupid things, making fart noises with my mouth. A lot of inside jokes. Liberty was always the most physical, like an acrobat - nimble, strong, slender, a really beautiful girl. And Summer was the youngest, the baby of the family, with big brown eyes and blonde hair. She looks WASPy. Liberty and Rainbow have more of an ethnic look - Israeli or Italian."

There's never been rivalry among you? "No. We've been through a lot. We're a very emotional family, very expressive and out with our feelings. Lately, we've been trying to communicate without yelling all at once. It can be real havoc, but we're getting it down to a science, finally!"

How open is your family about sex? "Very open. I've always had a fair start on topics like sex. We talk about a lot of the taboos that so many families don't bring up and if they do, the go, 'Honey, I hope you're using birth control' and the answer is, 'Mom!' That's as far as they take it."

How does it affect you when people consider you a sex symbol? "To be honest, I really don't think about it. We moved out of Los Angeles to Central Florida and its really nice to get away from the publicity parties - not that I ever went; even in town, I was always an outsider. I didn't hang out with the movie star crowd. It's just so phoney and unreal and pretentious. I never fit in anyway...

"I guess I could play the role, but it doesn't appeal to me. When you ask what it does to my ego, I feel lucky that I don't think like that. I don't fantasize about them fantasizing about me. I don't even know that they do. The only thing that reminds me are the fan letters that I get and I get so many of them that I can't answer them; my aunt's started a fan service. Sometimes when I walk into a local store to get a bottle of orange juice and see myself on the cover of a teen magazine, I open it out of curiosity and cringe - what they write about me is so scary, so eerie and unreal. They just strip you of your originality. The sex symbol - that's what they're after and that's what they try to build around you."

Do you feel blessed, having more than your fair share of intelligence, look, and opportunities? "Yeah, I do feel blessed, I have a really good, solid background. Even when we went through hard times, we were honest about it. Our parents have treated us as equals. Summer talks and has a say just as much as my father - not that he's a wimp; it's just very equal. It's a pioneering effort, where we all concentrate on a common goal. I remember being in Venezuela and my dad was saying that we needed a home, a ranch, some property, and once we had that, we could do a lot of good for the world - build homes for the homeless children and for people with drug and psychological problems. Then it extends into the animal thing too. I feel that my family is very aware of the world and we would like to contribute to it and not abuse a position that we're lucky enough to be in."

How do you express anger? It can be taxing to be in a positive state of mind all the time... "I'm very spontaneous. We all harbour resentment and can try to contain it just out of courtesy for others. But at times things can trigger it, and then you're off. I'm kind of a neutral person in that, I don't get offended easily. I'm not a jealous or manipulative type, but I can be defensive at times. I guess that's when I might get angry - when people poke at my insecurities or reveal something that I feel I don't want to talk about."

What insecurities might these be? "Everyone has them, even if you're Paul Newman. When you're classified as a good-looking young man or young lady, you're under pressure to live up to that. That's something I don't care about really. I used to, when I was younger. I was looking at my hair and was very worried about how others viewed me and if I was good enough. I realize now that you can't mould an image or try to be something. Your work speaks for itself."

In Running On Empty, you play a kid who finds salvation in your own music. You write your own music. What do you write about? "Different themes, from mother earth to personality conflicts. I call it progressive ethereal folk rock, it's my own little world. I now have a band and last year we played eastern colleges in the U.S. But I'm not thinking about albums. I'd just like to play live and develop personal involvement with the audience."

You've said that you attach yourself more to people and feelings than to places and things. "Yeah, and memories too. My lifestyle is strange because I don't have a home. We've always moved around, so my only reference is the family, not a neighborhood or a school. My life is very spontaneous and floating."

You studied karate. Do you consider yourself a very physical person? "No, I'm probably more of a mental person than physical. I've probably got more of a musician's build than a gymnast's. Recently, I joined a gym and I was doing really good, feeling muscles that I'd never felt before - my arms are really skinny - and then there was this flu virus going around town and I got it! That was it for the health kick."

Do you express physical affection freely? "I'm very affectionate with friends, but at times I can be very reserved and very inward-looking, with a blank expression on my face. I could feel great in my mind, but people might think I'm depressed because I'm not showing emotion. I try not to be aggressive, but sometimes you just want to wrestle."

What kind of a relationship did you have with Harrison Ford on the Mosquito Coast? "Harrison was down to earth. I've read that he's cold, but he's actually very warm, it's just that in his position you have so many phoney people trying to dig at you that you've got to have a shield up. He's a very, very nice man, wise and practical. His ideals are very practical, logical. I learnt a lot from him. The biggest thing about Harrison is that he makes acting look so easy, he's so casual and so... sturdy. He seems like he'd be a really good dad. We dealt with each other on a very honest level. I understood where he was coming from, and I think he understood where I was coming from."

And in Indiana Jones? Was he as supportive? "Oh, yeah. He was great. He was there to help me when I needed it. I would just look at him and would not mimic it, but interpret it younger. Mimicking is a terrible mistake that, a lot of people do when they play someone younger; it doesn't interpret."

Was it fun for you doing the movie? "It was thrilling! I did a lot of the stunts because I felt so much of the character and what he had to do was physical. It would have been lying to have someone else do the stunts."

What exactly do you do in the picture? "It's all non-stop action: running and jumping, twisting and turning, tumbling, picking, finding, keeping, saving from bad guys - all that kind of stuff. He's on and under a circus train, doing stuff. It's a very small part - only 10 minutes in the beginning of the movie. But I really enjoyed it."

And I Love You To Death? "It's about a pizzeria owner who runs around with women, until his wife - with the help of his cooks - tries to kill him. They try five times and he survives and they get together again. It's based on a true story. I play Devo, a cook who's just very mystical, into Eastern philosophy. I'm the middle man who helps arrange the extreme acts that happen in the movie."

Did you become friends with Kiefer Sutherland when you did Stand By Me? "I worked with him probably for a total of four days and my impression of him was that he was a very centered guy, very into character, so I can't even say I know him. He was very smooth ... he was that guy! "I remember being with the guys and feeling very destructive. I was taking dirt clods and bombarding his car and we just totally wrecked it. The other guys dared me to do it, so I did. They knew it was Kiefer's car: I didn't. When I found out, I was scared for my life." (Chuckles.)

What happened? "I saw him at the restaurant, and he goes, 'Hey, River, come over here,' and I was choked up. But I just went over and said, 'Kiefer, I'm really sorry .' And he goes, 'No, no, I'm just saying how're you doing.' But I wanted to confess and he said, 'Don't worry about it, it's a rental car, they washed it off. I was nervous, because I didn't know if he was going to pull out the switchblade and slit my throat or what."

The whimsical side of River... "There's a side of me that's selfish."

But wouldn't denying that side also be something of an injustice? "Yeah, but still, in this business, man, you've got to be very careful that it doesn't get out of hand. I don't want to get so lost in thinking about me and talking about me that all the time in interviews. It's so nice to unwind and just look at other things and get out of yourself. It's hard to detach myself from myself without neglecting myself. You know what I mean? I don't want to get in to the habit of thinking about my career because when it comes down to it, it's not really that important. I could die tomorrow and the world would go on!"