#harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like

[trans-axolotl]

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

[cutebunnys50]

I'm very open to changing my mind when it comes to the people I respect but in this case I feel they're very very wrong. Dems have reneged on multiple promises such as cancelling student debt and they didn't even bother to introduce any policies this time (from what I saw), so even if they DO do good things sometimes, they definitely didn't codify Roe and they have no reason to, I feel, if that's their main draw/appeal. Therefore I understood these arguments back in 2020 but now after a full year of broadcasted genocide, it literally is my red line and limit.

Those I respect, I respect cuz they have good intentions and know about the importance of community, so I would do as they asked because of my faith in them, but I don't have this same faith for the general public. And the general public has proved why that's correct over and over again. So there are definitely different contexts when I hear one person say a line versus the other. In this case, the people I respect actually DO do community organizing and whatnot while the general public only shows up once every 4 years so they can brag about being correct or whatever and then leave and never talk about it again. I feel irritated when these people don't acknowledge they could be wrong and they minimize big issues and downplay how sheerly horrible and evil it is to normalize and accept genocide. "We'll push her left," they say, when in reality they've only been following her as she goes more right. My own position is as someone who has given up on Blue entirely, finds them evil (maybe even worse than Red), and would vote for anyone but Blue or Red. They're not entitled to my vote and I don't believe the "harm reduction" is a real thing when she's bragging about being tougher on borders and is probably like one millisecond away from criminalizing LGBT rights.

The election has been called but we can still wait and see what happens such as if there's an actual recount (I did send a message to The White House about election security), but my impatience majorly comes from what I think is lot of people falling for Blue's lies and refusing to hold them accountable. It really feels like victim blaming at this point.

I saw too many posts that pissed me off which makes me want to cut off anyone who thinks like that, but in a more rational state, I think it might be a net negative to do so even if I did get mad as hell. Practicality > Temporary Anger.

I know some people are well-meaning but that doesn't mean they get a free pass to bash others, especially when they're alienating people who would theoretically be on their side.

Tensions are high and I almost felt like destroying every single connection I have for the sake of my own politics, but if I think about it, it's not a good idea, huh?

I will watch and wait. But I haven't been proven wrong yet. Yes it's bad that he's in office but are liberals gonna sit and do nothing like during a Blue presidency or will they finally fight the evil people for once? You only do it when your own rights are directly at stake-- otherwise you don't care about people who are across the ocean. It's mentally draining but evil stuff has been going on for longer than a year and we can actually do something about it with our votes.

I'm going to sleep now but I doubt I'll get any art or other stuff done for like a week. This is more pressing to me right now, similar to how news of the genocide often tanks my creative output every time there's a disaster. I hate that being normalized and DEMS normalized it.