#hard to believe that movie is already 22 years old

[fabydoll]

LATE NIGHTS

꒰𓍢ִ໋ ˳ ꒱ ── I’ll always love you with no compromise

་༘࿐. how does it make you feel, victoria monét˖ . ݁

ིྀ ⠀⠀ ׅ 𝓅airing. dilf! himbo! sugar daddy! jk x bimbo! sugar baby! fem. ꣑୧ 𝓰enre.◞ fluff, soft smut. ꣑୧ 𝓌arning.◞ blowjob, nipple kink, size kink, hunky! jk ♡ implied ex-supermodel && ex-porn star! jk ♡ ceo! billionaire! jk, boytoy! jk ♡ implied-ex trophy husband! jk, subby! jk ♡ soft mommy dom! fem, big tittied! reader, big dick! jk, large age gap ��� 20, 22 years꒱.◞ ꣑୧ 𝓌c. 1.2k .◞ ꣑୧ 𝓯abrianna’s note. here’s the second drabble of my pretty boy series, enjoy. leave your suggestions for another, toddles. ಣ՞ 𝓛ibrary + ꒰ 𝓜asterlist ꒱

Gently laying on the soft, plush, fluffy white couch, you wore a small, short, and adorable silky pink lace nightgown, your cleavage sitting prettily on display, blooming and blossoming.

A light pink satin robe adorned with two cute, oversized bows was delicately wrapped around you, a sweet aroma of home-cooked food softly danced in the air, the room having a soft glow emitting from the old romantic Italian movie playing.

As you curled up, a soft white daintily sitting pillow on your lap, you had everything ready; the apartment was clean and tidy, dinner was waiting to be eaten, and you already had a warm bubble set up.

All that was missing was—the soft creak of a key turning, had you leaping into Jungkook's warm embrace, the fragrance of his cologne and perfume lingering in the air, peppering kisses all over his pretty face as you held his beautiful sun-kissed face in your small, perfectly manicured hands.

“Kookie! I missed you so much!” Jungkook chuckled softly, tinkling in your ears. You felt butterflies fluttering; he held you tighter. “Mmh, missed you even more, so much more, baby,” mimicking your sweet kisses all over your face.

You giggled as he started to spin you around, head spinning with nothing but delight. “How was work today? Hope they didn’t stress out my baby,” you cooed as he reluctantly and carefully placed you down, as if you were some fragile doll, a large, veiny, muscular hand securely warped around your small waist. You softly pinched his cheeks, adding another kiss as he closed his eyes, soaking up all your attention, dreamily humming.

If there was anything you adored more than your sugar daddy (aside from his pornstar body and adonis-like face), it was just how needy he was, always wanting your attention, affection, and your touch, especially after a long, hard day at the office. He just wanted you, you, you, and you. He was head over heels, to say the least, a complete and absolute simp, just for you.

You sometimes felt you were the bimbo sugar mommy in this arrangement with just how needy he was sometimes. You guessed that trophy husband, boytoy part of him never left.

“I bet my big baby is so hungry, so tired, isn’t that right, babe?” he hummed once again, nodding as you walked into to the luxurious dining room, now both of his large, thick, muscular hands on your waist, tagging along like a lovesick lost puppy, his face tucked into your neck, softly mumbling against your silky skin.

“So, hungry. You smell really good too, new lotion?”

You sweetly giggled, as he immerses his pretty face deeper in the crock of your neck, his hot breath gently tickling you like a soft feather, taking in your sweet and intoxicating scent. “Thanks, and yeah, new perfume, but look, that what I made you, your favorite.” Lifting his head up, ebony hair now messy, his tried, pretty doe eyes widened in childlike delight. Which made you laugh; you couldn’t believe this older hunk of a man could be so adorable.

And he was all yours.

“All, this just for me, baby,” he cooed, slowly turning his plump, pink lips into a little cute pout, gently brushing a strand of your silky hair out of your face, taking in your love filled gaze, showing just how much you loved, cared and adored him, softly kissing you, his lips melting into yours like warm chocolate. “I don’t deserve you, babe. I really don’t.”

“Uh-uh, don’t say that, Jungkook. You deserve all of this and even more.” Cupping his pretty face, you laid a soft kiss on his perfectly sculpted jaw. “Now, enough talking; you need to eat,” you softly command, like a caring mother, bopping his pretty nose each time, laying emphasis each time.

“I would hate for your bubble bath to get cold,” you hummed, gently playing with the pearl buttons on his designer Italian dress shirt. Jungkook softly groaned, wearing a dazzling matinee idol grin. “You made me a bath too? Princess, you seriously didn’t have to do all that.”

He hated when you stressed yourself, especially when it came to taking care of him, he was supposed to do that! You made him dinner, cleaned the whole penthouse, and made him a bubble bath, too? No, that was too much. He was seriously considering getting a maid, so you would just sit and look pretty for him and stop stressing yourself.

“Yeah, I made you a bubble bath and so? Just come and eat or your food will get cold. I work too hard for that, so hard in fact I think I’ll need to book a spa day tomorrow.”

Plush, pink, glossy lips pouting, as you inspected your manicure for any imperfections, Jungkook rolled his doe eyes, smiling. “Hence, why I don’t want you to work or stress yourself, honey. Just look pretty for me like how you look now,” he whispered, drinking in your voluptuous figure. You were just so beautiful; you giggled.

“You like it? Just brought it, with my allowance yesterday.” You gave him a little twirl spin, your sleeping gown twirling like one of a Disney princess.

“You really did?”

“Yeah, I also brought this really pretty pink bra that I think you’ll absolutely love.” You began to cutely ramble on as Jungkook gave you a lovesick grin, intertwining his thick hands with your small, petite ones. Laying you on his lap, as he began to eat.

How did he get so lucky?

Gazing up, Jungkook’s glowing, damp face, beads of sweat rolling down his beautiful sun-kissed face, head thrown back, neck taut. Large brown doe eyes lustfully and seductively, rolling back slowly, perfectly sculptured jaw sightly slacking, as you sat in between his thick muscular thighs, like an obedient puppy, gently tracing and giving small, teasing kitten licks on his enormous mushroom top.

Was truly an experience that only few got a sight of, rumors always went around the modeling and porn industry about his size and how huge, long and thick he is.

Those rumors were so true, oh so true.

It was absolutely beautiful and all yours.

Your big puppy eyes innocently looking up as you licked his tip, savoring every last bit of it, reminiscent of sweet tasting strawberry lemon lollipop, coating your mouth with its sweet citric and sugary taste.

“Princess,” Jungkook let out a pretty, little needy and whiny moan “P-P-Princess, gotta stop teasing and playing around, don’t do Daddy like that.” You let a little pretty giggle, as you watched Jungkook let out some of the most ungodly moans, grunts and whines, they sounded so beautiful like an orchestra of angels singing.

Aww, the poor thing.

“Fine, I’ll stop teasing, only if you don't stop making those pretty sounds.” You knew he wouldn’t stop, in all eternity. You just wanted to hear him beg for it, like the good pretty boy he is.

“Of course, anything you want princess.”

Strings of webbed silky, glossy saliva coated his girthy, veiny cock, acting like a sticky, wet lubricate as you sidled it in and out, in and out, your tongue prettily warping itself around it feeling every vein and muscle, your small hands daintily warped around it. Your delicate hands seemed so small and petite compared to his colossal size.

He was just so big, so thick, so pretty.

You salivated, your brain and body going numb, his cock glistening as he rhythmically fucked himself in your mouth, sensually swaying his hips to a slow tempo, alluringly.

Hands gripping into the silky, velvety bed sheets, only if you could see just how beautiful you looked from up in his point of view, just how good you were making him feel, just how angelic you looked, your long, doll-like eyelashes fluttering as you tried your best to push down your gag reflex. Even though crystal clear, glassy tears were starting to cascading down your cheeks.

Taking all of him in.

Wished, he had his phone next to him too.

“Fuck,” he lustfully groaned; his voice dripping with honey. “Such a good girl, such a fucking good girl, fucking me absolutely dumb, princess. You know that? Taking me in so well.” He swore he could see heaven’s pearly gleaming white gates, and you were an ethereally beautiful angel leading him in as he reached absolute bliss, his big, pretty eyes rolling back, filling up your throat until white, creamy streams of cum were cascading down your plush lips, which you happily lapped up.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, that was amazing, never came so fast.” He dreamily hummed; his tone euphoric. mind misty with the immense orgasmic pleasure he just experienced, as his hazy, dazed eyes looked down at you, your pretty little face enveloped with his sweet, creamy cum, he gently chuckled, cutie. Wiping off some cum from your face, making you giggle in delight, closing his eyes and humming in satisfaction tasting his own sweet cum.

“Thanks, baby for everything, honesty.” You softly and sweetly smiled, hopping on his lap. Your damp, wet panties, sitting atop of Jungkook’s still sensitive, pulsating cock, forcing a smile as you giggled that his adorably cute uncomfortably horny face. “Your welcomed, anything for my favorite zaddy.” You gently laid a soft kiss, making him snort.

“But you know, I could still go for another round, after all I want to feel good too.” you seductive begin, “only got to fuck you in my mouth,” gently and painfully slowly rubbed his aching nipples through his dress shirt, slowly grinding your damp, wet spot on his erecting cock. Making, Jungkook groan, throwing his head back “Are you that needy, sweetheart? What about that bubble bath? It’ll get cold by the time where done.”

You bit your heart shaped lips, just one more round, didn’t he get just how much you craved him? “I know, I know, I know, we’ll be done by than besides, I’ll let you suck my tities.”

“Deal.”

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Jeff Davis just ruined everything! Everything! Do you know if there's any fix-it fics yet!

AND

Anonymous asked:

Love your page! Can you recommend fix-it fics for the movie?

AND

angelofthetrenchcoats asked:

hii

do you know if there are any tw movie sterek fix it fics yet?

thanks❤️😂

“Take me back.” by Theo4thestars

(1/? I 979 I Not Rated I Sterek)

Stiles finds out Derek is dead. He’s hurt. He finds out Allison is alive. He’s never been more happy. He’s conflicted so he goes home.

we're all burning. by unholyturtle

(2/2 I 2,400 I Explicit I Sterek)

Stiles came home and Derek did not die.

Broken Things (It's Complicated) by PalenDrome (nerdherderette)

(1/1 I 3,880 I General I Sterek)

It's been fifteen years, and Derek still has feelings about that Jeep.

Crawling back to you by ads1008

(1/1 I 10,901 I General i Sterek)

Stiles gets a call from Eli that Derek has died. He runs home in time to be at the funeral where Eli barrels into him crying shaking like he is five years old again after a nightmare. Stiles holds him tight looking up at the pack he walked away from years ago. The ones that hurt him and his family too many times to count. His eyes landed on Scott, who looked sad and sorry. Stiles didn’t care for his pity. Rage boiled in him at just seeing his ex-best friend. The man that almost ruined everything for them 15 years ago but it looks like he already did. Stiles pulled Eli away, handing him off to his dad. Stiles walked over landing a hard punch to Scott’s temple.

“What did you do?” Stiles shouted.

Stiles knew he had to bring back the love of his life and the father of his son, with the help of Lydia and the rest of the gang. Stiles must fight one last demon of his own to bring Derek back. By doing so, secrets of the past fifteen years will be told. His young son, Eli, will know more about himself and his parents than either Stiles or Derek was ready to share.

We'll Take On The World by lookingforatardis

(1/1 I 26,000 I Mature I Sterek)

Derek grew quiet, eyes searching Stiles’ face. “It’s called True Mates.” “Do you think we…” he started, but cut himself off. He wasn’t sure he wanted an answer. “Maybe,” Derek nodded anyway, eyes cast down. Their hands were intertwined on the bed where they sat, and Stiles traced Derek’s knuckles with his fingers. “How would we know?” Derek sighed and leaned over to rest his head against Stiles’ shoulder. “There’s always a sign."

No More Martyr Bullsh*&t by Arieanna

(12/12 I 35,230 I Mature I Sterek)

Thank god someone had the brains to call him. Now he was running through the preserve to that stupid stump, hoping that he gets there before it's too late and he loses his reason for living.

"X" marks the spot by mmspring

(3/3 I 39,796 I General I Sterek)

"Please, bring my nephew back" Stiles stays silent for a second, before clearing his throat and speaking again. "Do you remember that time when you asked if someone in this town could stay dead?" he asks, and waits for the other man to confirm that he, indeed, remembers. "Well, let's hope the answer is still no".

Or

Stiles has to save the day once again, but he doesn't want the recognition for it.

Nothing Ever Stays Dead by Violet_Michelle

(22/22 I 79,189 I Mature I Sterek)

Following Derek’s death, Eli took the Jeep and went to find the only person he thought could get his dad back.

Yoda Said It Best by OKDeanna, thePurebloodPrat

(21/21 I 99,128 I Explicit I Sterek)

Derek Hale knows he as a problem. Contrary to what some might believe, he isn’t stupid. He knows the Jeep has meaning to him, real meaning. The kind of meaning that he doesn’t want to think about, let alone stop and have to analyze. Except… his son keeps pushing him about it, prodding at him, and then before Derek knows it, Stiles is back in Beacon Hills, driving the one thing in the world Derek wishes he never had to set eyes on again. If Derek isn’t careful, he could open himself up to a fall, and that would affect more than just his son but also his own traitorous heart. Because with Stiles back, Derek finally has hope again, and its making him want the things he knows better than to ever crave: a home, a future, a life—love.

One-Sentence Premise: To find the happiness they both crave, a lonely stressed-out single dad and a disillusioned FBI agent must confront their shared past and accept the feelings that have always existed between them.

[finniestoncrane]

I'll let my date decide I'm 22 years old. Pan. Genderfluid. Short and fat. I'm canonically autistic and canonically have ADHD (I'm sorry I like referring to it w=as canon). You already know that though. You already are SO FUCKING AWARE of my obsession with old monster movies. I mean... I didn't go on an hour long tangent about movie titles ibn a game, and are therefore copywrite friendly, and what films they could be meant to be for no reason. And you are so incredibly aware of the research I did for Gen-1 and Gen-2 synths, and me picking apart Nick Valentine's voice lines to determine anatomy of gen-2 prototype synths. I believe I've also told you that I'm still considering being an auto-mechanic.

What you probably don't know though is that I took an engineering class in high school and I kicked ass in competitions. Like there was this hydraulic robot arm made of wood, syringes, and plastic tubes. Despite the fact that the tubes kept falling off the syringes, my team got like... 2nd place in my class and 4th place schoolwide. There was also a competition for making a boat out of just cardboard and duct tape. Not to brag but our boat could hold 3 people (when it was only required that 2 people go in the boat) and we got the second fasted time schoolwide. We didn't even have paddles technically, unlike some groups who made carboard paddles. We had just a thick pieces of cardboard covered entirely in duct tape. Literally was my favorite class. This wasn't my decision cuz it was a group project but still.

In video games I am a sort of item hoarder because I'm terrified I'll need something later and then I never need it later. Not me having an inventory full of Junk in Fallout 4.

You are also probably aware of my insistence that ghoul cum is radioactive and how the terminal on the Prydwen proves this. Which is good for me and my item hoarding tendencies because I have so much RadAway. Cuz we all know that I'm a ghoulfucker. Also a robotfucker but that's a different story that started with Transformers and got me into cars because I wanted a way to fuck Transformers in vehicle mode because I'm just horny like that (affectionate). A weird hobby I also have is miniatures. I wouldn't call it miniature painting just yet because I have done a whole lot of not painting. I have paint for sure. I seem to be refusing to pick a color scheme and sticking with it. I have not bought primer yet. I have so many miniatures. I am preparing to get more because there's one of Cooper Howard and John Hancock and Nick Valentine and Sturges. But Sturges is in a different box from Hancock and Nick, and then Cooper is in a different one from everyone else. And the box Sturges is in is REALLY hard to find. And the box Cooper is in isn't technically out yet. Like... I already have Toad and Magento from Marvel Crisis Protocol that are unpainted. And then I have a whole bunch of Seraphons in a box that I cannot for the life of me pick a paint scheme for. And I don't even know why I bought Necrons. I don't know how to even play Wasteland Warfare. Or Marvel Crisis Protocol. Or Warhammer: Age of Sigmar. Or Warhammer 40k. I just like the models. Hell, I don't even know how to play D&D and have no one who will play with me as of right now. But I have 2 D&D books (one is official, the other one isn't) and a Fallout TTRPG pdf file with rules for how to play. It's not technically official but I think the guy got permission to make it. It was free. I was considering making a campaign for that based on where I live but then I realized I'd have to build creatures from the ground up, and find a way to play test them when I literally don't personally know enough people who even really care about Fallout in general. Also the terrain makes it hard to slap a vault anywhere.

zim my tiny beloved, i already knew who i would pair you with, but if i'd had any doubts this message would have sealed your fate because you know who else would have infodumped before explaining anything about themselves...? 💚🩷 🔞minors dni🔞 send a request • masterlist • kofi link • tag: finnie2k (to follow or to block)

Kent Connolly is literally the autistic mascot. He's the cutest, silliest, sweetest little guy, so that already tells me you'd be perfect for one another.

I think one of the best things about Kent, and you, is your ability to retain soooooo many details. You're both so passionate about learning everything you can about specific subjects, and you're both determined enough to learn everything you can.

I can picture you both either braving it to go out to the library or saving up your caps to pay for a mostly intact book that will answer a niche question you both had about Grognak the Barbarian.

You're both so brave too, willing to go through a lot for the things you love and for your happiness.

If there's one ghoul who will understand the need, and the joy, of infodumping, it is Kent. He'd be such a sweet listener, he'd ask informed questions, he'd participate respectfully in whatever lecture you were giving, and he'd do it all with the sweetest smile. And when you were ready to listen to him, he'd have a very well-written little speech all prepared.

I can't think of a happier way to spend your time in the wasteland than by sharing your interests, learning about each other and their favourite things, or just engaging in some paralell play, the autistic national sport.

And I know he'd write extra episode of the Silver Shroud for you if you just desperately needed more of that particular hyperfixation.

I just think Kent would be the kind of guy who would be appropriately impressed and appreciative of how much you know about Captain Boomerang and his entire family history, and the only person who could maybe try and know more than you on that subject.

[regiesgfreal]

felix reaction when he caught you cutting yourself

A/n:I really don't want to focus on one story only.so for now i leave the part 3 for later.so now we going with felix fanfiction!

You and felix was dating for 4 years, almost from the time he just debut.Felix is always in his work, so you didn't really get a lot from him.

It was same day as always, you woke up in your bed without felix around you. He always wake up first.I gone down stairs and heard as always felix's ''I need to do coffee and change and have shower and have breakfast so on, so sorry babe but cinemar is not possible for today.''

Hate hearing that from him but i just nodded and kissed his cheek.

Time skip:2 hours after felix left house.

I was so tired of all of these work times for felix because of them i don't get anylove the thing that we never have had sex in this 4 years, when all my friends got it after 2 years together.My friend Juisy with her husband only 3 years and they married have kid and stuff. I was just crying in my room and wanted to jump down the roof.

Time skip:9:13

Felix will be home soon.He always comes back home at 9:30.

You couldn't keep the pain anymore so you decidet to relife your stres by cutting yourself.You when to the bathroom you wasn't worrying about time anymore.You locked the door and started to cut yourself.Then after 3 cuts you pass out.And my hand land right next to the little whole under the door

Felix POV:

I came home kind of late so i've been thinking that y/n is asleep.I drink some water and went upstairs to change and shower.

When i change i desidet to use bathroom.

''Y/n!It's Felix.Open the door please!'' i had no answer

Then i saw blood going from the room.

''Y/N!BABE!OPEN PLS!CMON PLEASE'' i was screaming and getting no answer. then i remember about the keys from bathroom that are in my bag.When i get the keys i unlocked the door and saw y/n with bleeding wrist.

''NO NO NO Y?N!PLEASE NO!GOD PLEASE NO!''

i took my phone out of my pocket and called 911.

TIME SKIP NEXT DAY 8:12am

Y/N POV

i woke up and saw doctor and felix sitting around me on different sides.

Doctor:Well i guess i need to leave you one on one.

Felix:Thanks!

Y/n: What am i doing here?Why dont you just let me go?You dont even want to spend time with me, it means you dont love me.

Felix:Why i didn't let you go?Maybe because i love you and you the most importent thing of my live?It's like i dont want to spend time with you.It's cause i am working hard to get money and for you to have all stuff you want!

Y/n:HOW DONT U UNDERSTAND HUH?ALL I NEED IS TIME WITH YOU.OR EVEN A MOVIE NIGHT IN OUT LIVING ROOM WOULD BE ENOUGH!U ALWAYS AT YOUR WORK AND NEVER EVEN KISS ME BACK OR HUG ME AT NIGHT.YOU THINK I WAS ASLEEP WHEN YOU COMING HOME?NEVER I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO COME TO THE SIDE OF MY BED AND KISS MY FOREHEAD.

Felix:.......babe i am so sorry!i reall really selfish!please forgive me!

y/n;i am forgiving you.

Time skip0- in 2 years

Felix never doing stuff like that again.You was prengnant and youi was waiting for boy/girl(just choose who u want).Felix was always spending 22/7 time of his life with you.

Time skip-in 7 years

Your girl/boy(choose one) was 6 years old he/she was lookes like felix a lot.You happy together and you always going on vacations every 2 month.

Time skip-in 5 years

You girl/boy have had her/his first kiss.u can't believe he/she is 11 already. You have another baby who is 4 years old.

Finish!

A/n:It's not like the ff ''i am mf stargirl!'' is closed i just want to post some other staff too.So gusy what you think?

[idontcarejustletmelive]

Bad Movie Decisions

Circle (2015)

Spoilers may follow...

03:29 Well, if this isn't an alien abduction scenario, I'm not sure what to make of it.

06:02 This guy deserves a Nobel prize for figuring out the murder system in less than six minutes. Although I am reminded of the Derren Brown episode on superstition where people had to figure out how they were scoring points and it turned out to just be every time a goldfish swam from one end of the tank to the other.

08:35 This is fine, but I'm already wondering how they're going to get an hour and a half out of the Murder Wheel of Fortune concept.

10:22 "I see 6 people in their 70s & 80s" says a snotty teen who sees people in their 60s.

10:23 I looked up the actors and some of them are in their 80s. My apologies kid!

10:32 Julie Benz is in this. She's in the background, but it's post-Buffy, so I can only assume she'll turn out to be the evil mastermind or something.

11:14 Why is everyone following the lead of a jock with an underbite?

12:03 Alien invasion confirmed. Glad they didn't try to hold onto that as a 'reveal'.

16:04 They're choosing who should die based on age and the so-called 43 year old obviously had a very hard paper round.

22:57 This very much has the feeling of an extended Twilight Zone episode. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

28:50 Cop next, c'mon folks.

29:25 Yassssss!

41:11 I'd volunteer just to not have to listen to Red Braces Business Man for another second.

46:18 Do 95% of people really believe in God? Is that a genuine statistic?

46:19 Googled it. Most sources have it more like 60-80%. I thought 95% sounded weirdly high.

48:15 How Sweater Vest is still here is the greatest mystery of all.

50:56 Red Braces gone full MAGA. Next for the death ray?

1:00:20 Is... is this just all about the American electoral system?

1:06:04 Maybe I'm a nihilist, but I don't get why they're all so desperate to drag out their existence.

1:09:45 I don't understand what the fuck the right wing voting block hopes to achieve beyond being arseholes, so I guess this is about the American electoral system.

1:11:36 Maybe Silent Man is the alien plant.

1:14:11 It really is a testament to the quality of the writing that they've got this much film out of this format.

1:23:14 The end was a bit of a wet fart, but otherwise not bad.

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

22 February 2023 Wednesday 👰‍♀️ 4:46 am pdt

I am only a spec of dust to them.

4:47 am pdt I had painful diarrhea 😖😭😖😭😖😭😤🥵 I am ash

rise above the flames 🔥 🎶🎼🎵🎧 the wedding 👰 is a joke

I smelled 👃 my sh*t literally toilet 🚽 paper 🧻 to nose 👃 & it SMELLED like GAS ⛽️ OLINE literally putting flammable liquids inside of me.

4:50 am pdt my brother in law has a memory problem like 50 first dates which has Adam Sandler drew berry more in it & I watched on one of my first dates in the theatre 🎭 not my pick/choice - my date’s choice. I have also watched The Vow Channing Tatum movie 🎥 I think maybe on dvd 📀 around the time it first came out. $ when I was a kid or teen I saw a movie 🎥 on tv 📺 (before turning 18 years old) I think it’s called overboard w/ Goldie hawn? A rich woman who falls out of yacht into ocean 🌊? & she gets amnesia she doesn’t remember who she is & her husband decides to abandon her but the carpenter she hired & fired fire 🔥 pretends to be her husband Bcz he’s got a lot of kids & no more mother to take care of them. They fall in love at the end. 4:56 am pdt I have been set up 🆙 to be gas ⛽️ lit 🔥 by them. It’s a joke. 🃏 they like to do cruel things. They’re *ssholes. 4:57 am pdt literally & physically. 4:58 am pdt

5:01 am pdt they like to use the truth to lie so I’m warning ⚠️ you this is authentic. I’m not kidding. I have no memory of incubus being nice to me. 5:03 am pdt

5:04 am pdt literally & physically gas ⛽️ lighting me. 5:05 am pdt When I ran away in 2020 weird fedex trucks 🛻 were around me. One driver stared at me w/ his wife gaping open in a smiley way as if he was relishing the fumes flying towards me. It was strange. The night b4 (they made the cursor fly down to the hashtag #️⃣ add tags 🏷 at bottom to symbolize me falling from being turned into ash from being burned a lot. (Made me spell “kot” reminds me of Scott is cott but they meant me. Vag pain 5:10 am pdt ok 👌 ) 5:11 am pdt the driver often stopped to look 👀 at me & make that weird face expression as he went through the parking lot of Costco. I had slept 🛌 the night b4 in the ground inside a restaurant outside entrance area w/out going inside actual restaurant. That restaurant had plans to reopen w/ a different name & it was still full of tables & chairs 🪑 as if it was ready to serve people (#3). 🍅 sweet. I went there b4 they had good food & it was packed the previous year when I went. When I got out of the hospital 🏥 30 days later it was completely demolished. 5:15 am pdt

9:15 am pdt I feel that I am a decoy for Q. Autocorrect what was that? Decent decision? To write ✍️ about it would make me look 👀 bad. At times recently the thought 💭 of if I were a god would I pull a Jesus Christ resurrection stunt? Or would I kill people? Think 🤔 smart not hard. Turkey’s earthquake & ghost 👻 ship 🚢 fire 🔥 in Oakland December 2, 2016. I didn’t & don’t feel good about the answers. At the end of 2017? I think 🤔 it was after incubus had been scaring w/ me & toying with me to make me believe he’s my boyfriend, I find pictures on Q’s & his Facebooks that look 👀 like they’re flirting with each other. Especially one Halloween 🎃 looked as if they wore the same airline pilot 👩‍✈️ costume & Q’s breasts looked even bigger than I remembered. Made me think that maybe they had a baby 👶 together behind behati’s back. 9:24 am pdt it seemed as if they wanted to sacrifice me to Behati whom he wanted me to believe had all the magic 🪄 power. Question 🙋🏻‍♀️: how do they sneak around to see each other w/o Behati finding out? MySpace she put “music is my boyfriend” . I got angry 😤 & maybe 🤔 it was wicked/evil/bad of me to give up 🆙 their secrets by posting links of Q’s pictures to his pictures in Facebook so all his fans can see. I tried to go back later to delete but it beach 🏖 balled on me every time I tried. I did not like being a sacrifice & having my feelings toyed toy 🧸 with. Q already had “endometriosis” she told me years b4 this happened. & she had an uncle in Santa Barbara who bought her a very nice car 🚗. My uncle never offered to buy me a car 🚗. B4 we stopped talking she wanted me to get checked out for endometriosis, too. I thought 💭 at the time that I didn’t so I didn’t bother. ≈2004 I was told by a gynecologist to see a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist. ���🏻‍♀️ maybe I was being gas ⛽️ lit 🔥. In 2013 Q gave me her oldest iPhone 📱 that probably had a recycle ♻️ value of $35. It was in working condition but I was laid off so I didn’t get service for it . I remember she texted me on it & it seemed too coincidental the timing ⏱ my mom even suspected that she was using it to spy 🕵️‍♀️ on me. The cell phone cover she put on it was pink w/ skull ☠️ w/cross bones 🦴. When she gave it to me she insisted she help me set up my iCloud account on it. She also helped me decide on a password. & she left it w/ her name on the phone 📱. I forgot a detail I was going to write ✍️... in 2018 I watched YouTube videos on witch 🧙‍♀️ craft. Revealed was that skull ☠️ w/ cross bones 🦴 is an omen for illness to come or that it’s an item or symbol used by witches to give illness? Bcz I think 🤔 they suggested throwing it away to make the illness go away? I’m not sure 🤔 probably not a good idea to get rid of it. It was a cell phone 📱 cover. I remember Q said she went to Stanford & the doctor 👨‍⚕️ straightened her uterus and said there , you can have children 👶 now. I think 🤔 shortly after that several days later she said the doctor 👨‍⚕️ talked to her about freezing 🥶 her eggs 🥚 & she was thinking about it. Wasn’t until 2018/end of 2017 that I thought 💭 about if she was being honest or not. If incubus was lying 🤥 about his access to power they probably could have put on an act. It is probably not a good idea to think 💭 that it was an act. Which I started to think 💭 may be it was but maybe that was bad. 9:51 am pdt so this is probably incubus revenge on me to punish me. 9:52 am pdt

10:16 am pdt after I posted the picture links I was made to believe I failed a test. That I was selfish & a bad friend & wicked & evil. After I posted the picture links some time after that I also realized that pictures of me in her Facebook was actually intentionally photoshopped to make me look different. I had noticed the details years ago when she first posted these pictures but it didn’t occur to me then that it was a sign that she was pretending to like me. She spoke so sweetly & I thought that I used to liked (edited 10:53 am pdt ) her & was probably trying too hard to be her friend Bcz she seemed to tolerate me unlike a lot of other people. There were pictures she had taken w/ the 2 of us & she had a sorta laughing grin or smirk? I commented once was (10:58 am pdt why) does my head look so big? But no one answered. On Facebook. I forgot about it. Hanging out with Q was expensive. I spent $20+ every time. 2010/2011 I started hanging out with her less. She was usually the only one inviting me to hang out so I started saving money and tried to work more but also had addiction problems to internet stuff like easy 2-d games like Tetris/biotronic & cartoons that were nostalgic of my childhood 10:28 am pdt. & I had issues with time management & falling asleep. & my mom’s boyfriend woke up after I turned everything off: games or cartoons & he created noise through the thin wall. 2006-2010 I drank some alcohol now & then. May 2010 I drank (autocorrect sea dead 10:32 am pdt)(I think that means me.)(Pepsi looks like Dead Sea upside down)(10:33 coughing & peeing)(incubus I think is stretching my stomach Sphincter too wide it hurt & he hurt my bladder sphincter last year w/ sharp things 10:35)(I wish incubus killed me in the womb. I’m not rich. I have no power of any type & now my body is absurd. Incubus likes torture. “Lots of sex & lots of crying” that was a quote I found on the internet probably an interview incubus did. 10:37 left shoulder pain) the cartoons were Jem , & marina (anime style. A little silly cartoon). May 2010 I drank wine when I visited my sister & got drunk to the degree that I couldn’t walk well & almost fell over every step & my sh*t was extremely easy to come out. Felt I couldn’t talk easy that I was missing vitamins like niacin. When I saw Scott in June 2010 @ the party I drank ≈1/2 of his beer (40 oz can) to prevent him from drinking the whole thing. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid & then he opened another can after that in front of me. Then I tried a little 2-buck chuck. Stupid. Even though I had a bad experience with alcohol before those 2 times - my skin eczema immediately dried up and felt pained I did it again. 10:45 am pdt I woke up with a hangover & nauseous. It went away the same day. Usually I don’t drink but I made some exceptions for social purposes that year. 10:47 why why why why why why why why why why 10:48 am pdt

12:09 pmpdt incubus probably controls/controlled everyone to make everything happen: including crimes ... all crimes.... 12:10 pmpdt how else would people say that Bcz they’re good that nothing happens to them? & for rapist to justify rape? 12:11 pmpdt (head brain skull pain 12:12 pmpdt I think that the incubus has done too much harm to me for me to ever believe that I special. Q worked at the Apple store & bought a lot of gadgets from them. 12:13 pmpdt I miswrote in a post that I had MacBook. I actually have the cheaper white plastic one. 22:24 12:14 12:15 pmpdt something I learned: when they offer an iPod w/ $100 rebate w/ the laptop it’s probably not a good deal? Not sure. Bcz I learned later on when Q was trying to talk me into upgrading my laptop I found out there were 2 different computer chips sold at the time. The one I bought was probably the older chip which is probably why they offered the iPod w/rebate. 12:18 pmpdt

12:24 reread abovefedex truck said wife gaping open I meant mouth gaping open. I hope I am using this word correctly. Autocorrect said defect desecrated try truth. About what? 12:26 pmpdt

12:29 I think it was around that time- about the computer chips.

12:32 pmpdt I did not like that they were messing with my feelings after cockblocking me & planning to sacrifice me for her to hide from behati. They wanted to sacrifice me to behati. I feel selfish but I basically tattled on them & I got punished for it. Which is weird. I have already been in a lot of pain all my life & rarely felt life satisfaction & usually filled my days w/ tv & internet & school. & I thought I felt like I was close to healing becomg healthy for the first time in a long time since I was 7 years old. I didn’t want to give it up for her. I had tried new diets & I thought it worked. Now I don’t know. I question everything now. I thought I was right about something & now I’m wondering if I jumped to conclusions Bcz they’ve been doing stuff/manipulating my memory. There was a time I’d go to sleep w/ a big belly from dinner & then I wake up the next morning w/ a flat abdomen. 12:42 pmpdt 12:43 pmpdt at some point I thought behati already knew Bcz she had endometriosis. But if he did have access to behati’s magic powers & was faking every one out & photoshopping, bcz Q’s face started changing from pretty to messed up b4 I realized or said anything or posted any of her picture links. I also thought Q was very lucky: pretty/attractive, I took a picture of her @ my sister’s fair well party in 2006? She had long neck , little waist line, wide hips like an ark. & a pretty singing voice that her previous boyfriend called her a “siren.” Pale green eyes. Hazel eyes she said. She was same height as me though. I slept over once & noticed she had satin sheets. Is that good w/ s*x???? I was jealous I didn’t think I could ever compare/compete with Q. But that guy chose to talk to me first. Maybe it was wishful thinking but I probably met him in my high school b4 & I think he was interested back then too but didn’t remember me? Although it was probably incubus karma. I think my mind was already messed up. I was at school ≈7 am. I think I was scared. Trying to do homework b4 class. Happend a lot. He sat down at the same table as me? Or maybe it was reversed? Maybe he was there first? For a weird reason I was scared. He asked w/ a shy smile “why are you sitting here ?” In retrospect (brain pain 12:56 pmpdt)

1:03 pmpdt I answered a retarded bad answer. I said “I’m free to sit anywhere I want/I can sit anywhere I want” in my mind I was scared. But he probably interpreted this differently. I think that was him. & was probably interested. & I screwed it up. 1:05 pmpdt

1:06 pmpdt he also was friends on Facebook w/a mutual friend, a hapa, which also added to the reasons why I thought he was interested in me. Bcz he probably thought half Asian girls are pretty. 1:08 pmpdt

1:27 pmpdt I feel like I am never going to win a popularity contest. Especially against Q. She seemed to make a lot of friends at Apple. She got out a lot. Even b4 she got her license. Once I drove to her place & picked her up. & then she said she wanted to go to was it, my town? So I drove us there. & then drove her back home. Somehow her mom found out & gave me $20 (jjjk guy <-incubus did that) 1:32 pmpdt then she scolded her infront of me that she should not do that to me, or that she should have paid me. 1:33 pmpdt I think Q goes to a lot of concerts/musical events. Also in SoCal like Coachella. There was something else I was going to write I don’t remember now. At some point she seemed to have made a lot of friends. Oh in 2007, when Scott went to Q’s house to meet up with us, Q’s mom was bragging about how good Q is w/ photoshop. Back then I could not afford photoshop. Waaaaaaay too expensive. 1:38 pmpdt Q got MacBook, a new digital single lense reflex camera, iPad, iPhone at some point. A new flat screen tv. Possibly a kitchen? Renovation? Did they? Trying to remember. Now I don’t know. They had a swimming pool in the backyard. 1:41 pmpdt she asked to borrow my acrylic paints once & I lent her w/ palette knife & brushes. Incubus stole my paint brushes recently. I think her mom probably told her again to stop that/don’t use it Bcz it looked like she didn’t use. 1:43 pmpdt

1:52 pmpdt something about puppies today...

Q told me I am fun. And that I play the guitar better than her.... which I never believed Bcz she was probably a music major initially? I barely can play a song. One song. & only a few chords well sometimes. I believe that the shape of my finger tips is not suitable for guitar. Fretting is difficult. 1:55 pmpdt

1:56 pmpdt she also recorded a bunch of songs on her laptop that she said she wrote & had played the guitar. A song she played back had added sound effects of guns. 1:57 pmpdt now, I am thinking retrospectively, maybe it was a hidden threat? When they got their new flat screen tv the image quality was strange. As if the mayb how to describe images multiplying???? Was it? Something was weird. Was it a refresh rate problem? Idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ I asked what’s wrong with your tv? & then she said something like what do you mean? Like it was supposed to be like that. & another time Q wanted to go to pasta pomodoro at Santana row. The waitress seemed excited to interact with Q. Problem though: the lighting is dim. Weird. I ordered chicken & I cut into it & I barely see the bright red vein that made it looked under cooked. (Nose bone pain 2:03 pmpdt) the manager seemed displeased at me for trying to order a large non meat dish to replace the chicken so I change it to small. Only choices large or small. Q says for their mistake she would have ordered free dessert too b4 I reordered. But I did not think that would have been nice so I could not help my reaction to Q’s suggestion I scowled a little Bcz I heard the first 2 years of restaurants are usually profitless? I forgot where I heard that. 2:08 pmpdt in retrospect was I weird? This was the same restaurant I ate at & got my first bout? Of acid reflux after seeing Scott there b4 eating. 2:10 pmpdt

2:11 pmpdt Q’s has a lot of favorite stuff: music, art, probably books, movies. On her Facebook she likes I am the cheese by Robert Cormier. On her Flickr there’s a picture of a small wooden rocking horse infront of an old movie poster illustration of a woman in a red dress having a romantic moment. 2:14 pmpdt On one of her social media pages she puts she’s Christian. In an effort to help her find a man I asked her why don’t she look for someone in church. She says something about political party affiliations. 2:16 pmpdt I feel like Q is smarter than me in some ways that I am not. She likes California history books, too, & she has enough knowledge to enlighten me a lot of wars are started Bcz of religion. 2:18 pmpdt I didn’t read much of the Bible yet back then so the Flickr picture wouldn’t have really triggered any concerns. Only maybe a play on words at most. Q likes to show off her breasts sometimes but not all the time. Other than that she usually doesn’t wear revealing clothing. 2:21 pmpdt she once commented about someone’s choice of clothing as slutty.

“Brendan” put on his Friendster he’s interested in conspiracy theories. 2:23 pmpdt he also said his birthday is 6/16. ≈2016 I saw online that dead sea scrolls w/ the number 616, & that that was actually the number of satan? Not 666. I tried to look for it again but could not find it. 2:26 pmpdt

2:59 pmpdt I think incubus miñion was here to torture me minutes ago Bcz I’m gurgling again. Usually diarrhea follows. 3:01 pmpdt I started feeling fear that maybe all humans naturally back stab. If so then I have no gio <- accidentally typed then autocorrect: gio guilt.... I was going to type no hope for anything nice (left shoulder pain & can’t breathe thru nose 3:04 pmpdt) probably signs incubus lied again, & admitting he lied about gio. I was so afraid of this & being gas lit in more than one way Bcz I really don’t have a memory which probably really REALLY means I don’t have children. Ever. 🥺😞😖😭😤😥😰😖😭😖😭😤🥵😤🥵 Bcz why deprive me of the memory? If everything is controlled? 3:09 pmpdt

3:10 pmpdt he has hurt 😞 me So much that I would be too afraid 😱 to be alone w/him. 3:12 pmpdt

4:08 pmpdt Q had a dermatologist she referred me to. I never saw her have any skin problems though. 4:09 pmpdt

4:09 pmpdt I guess this is why he’s burning 🔥 me to death ☠️. Bcz I backstabbed Q. & they prepared well ahead of time for my punishment. Such as pictures to make me think we had history. If it was really a life & death ☠️ thing, would they do anything that risky? Put pictures out in public? I guess it don’t matter. I guess it’s the principal. Even though I didn’t rape, & probably didn’t run 🏃🏻‍♀️ over anyone w/ a car 🚗, & I probably didn’t go that fast on a tricycle, Bcz I didn’t stay & clear stuff up 🆙 I’m worthy to be tortured to death ☠️ for profit. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if Q was trying to help me or set me up 🆙 for a fall. 4:15 pmpdt b4 2017... b4 2010 I probably tried my best to be her friend even though I had a lot of weird feelings that kept me from wanting to hang out with her or talk to the phone ☎️ all the time. I once helped her reconcile w/ Ep (code name). I thought 💭 I gave her nice gifts 🎁 & I stepped aside for some moments so she could have a chance still with josh & “the cute one” she put in the text reply to me when I asked his name after the fact. I don’t remember if I said something b4 she said that. I probably mentioned that the other guy I was not yet attracted to. 4:20 pmpdt.

4:31 pmpdt I guess Q is really Juliet to incubus Romeo. 4:32 nose 👃 pain. No se rio us ly. 4:33 pmpdt

4:45 pmpdt I guess I’m wrong about everything. Incubus hurt my left hip bone 🦴 w/ a pick sort of action, felt as if a piece of bone 🦴 came out. B4 4:45 pmpdt Scott bit& yanked me near the jugular it looks like. Around this time he said he ran over a guy drunk 🥴- but the court document online says he wasn’t drunk 😵 & was I think intentionally using low beams instead of high beams & there was only one witness? & he chose to loook over his shoulder into his blind spot was it at the moment before or during when he ran over the guy? Avalos. 2013. Happened 2009. At one moment I thought I had read it said that avalos was responsible for his own death ☠️ not Scott & then I think it changed. That Scott said that I thought 💭 I saw 👀 & then I didn’t see it the second time I think (4:52 pm pdt head skull ☠️ pain) his dad is an architect Lhasa a house 🏠 in Cupertino. He’s your king 🤴. & he didn’t respect me when I said “I don’t think we should be doing this!” Inserted himself w/o confirm & w/o verbal consent. W/O saying “I love you” w/O a proposal. W/o a proper platonic? Friendship & courtship b4 moving towards physical intimacy stage & then publicly whore shamed me, even though I told him we shouldn’t do the actual intercourse yet. A lot of people can mess around & stop 🛑 short of the s*x. People do it all the time. Men have big heads. There’s probably some sort of control center up there that a king 🤴 probably has privileges to access? That would enable him to respect ✊ a woman’s wishes? Hot cannot breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️. 5 pmpdt head pain brain 🧠 pain 5:01 pmpdt 5:02 pmpdt incubus (gio dd <- incubus did that) demon lord god’s love 💕 is letting bad stuff happen letting kings do what they want Bcz they’re all like that? Not in genetic makeup 💄 to be monogamous? 5:05 pmpdt so there are double standards . Men can do whatever they want & women can’t. 5:05 pmpdt

5:12 pmpdt diarrhea feeling 5:13 pmpdt left hip bone 🦴 pain I guess I’m still the loser. I’m the one who is still in the wrong. I didn’t realize it until now. I was very afraid after I did each thing. I regretted it yet I still ended up doing another thing unplanned. I prayed to god on the last one that no one would get hurt. I wish now he didn’t show me that he controlled traffic l. Bcz then I probably would have been more careful. I wouldn’t have relied on him. I would not have got excited that he would help me out. Bcz many years b4 that I predicted once that I’d make it to school 🏫 in a fraction of the time & then it happened & I was shocked & wondering if it was god, god exists?, or coincidence? & then I probably forgot & remembered time to time. 5:19 pmpdt still it’s my fault 🤦‍♀️ & I AM the bad one. Not Scott. 5:20 pmpdt heart ♥️ pain. I think god really doesn’t like me & was hoping to trick me into screwing up 🆙 big. 5:21 pmpdt he has favorites you know.

5:34 pmpdt I remember I took the street way Bcz initially I was scared to take the freeway 🛣. It took me twice? As long or much longer than I expected. Still it was the stupidest decision. I feel as if Scott Did a voodoo curse on me to make me mess up 🆙. Bcz he told me he ran someone over. Did I do that b4? I hope not. I don’t think so. Bcz I was extremely self conscious after that one time. & then I had a lot of problems. 5:37 pmpdt brain 🧠 head pain. 5:38 pmpdt I wasn’t a perfect driver but I think that was the first time? Now I’m wondering 💭 if there were more times! This sucks. Pain right heel pain. 5:39 pmpdt incubus really is sacrificing me. I am bad!!!! 😞😖😭😤🥵😫 5:40 pmpdt I didn’t even want to drive my moms bests friends husband told me I had to. 5:41 pmpdt

5:45 pmpdt sometimes I psych (chest pain & wheezing 5:46 pmpdt) myself out $ think I’m right but I guess I’m not. I’m very flawed . There is something extremely wrong with me. I guess it’s Bcz of that one test w/ Q. That was bad. I should have left it alone. Should have not retaliated. That was probably the first time I did anything bad to Q? 5:48 pmpdt I don’t remember but maybe yes? Still. It was th test I guess & that’s what counts. Don’t mess w/ Romeo & Juliet! 5:49 pmpdt

6:05 pmpdt I feel that I’m not worthy, even if my name backwards might mean worthy or lord/chieftain w/ other transliteration. Would a rose 🌹 rose 🥀 by any other name smell 👃 as sweet? Names don’t matter. 6:08 pmpdt

6:31 pmpdt w/o condom! Protection from pregnancy 🤰! Not comfirm... above. He said he accidentally got cat 🐈 hair on it & it was the last one ☝️. 6:32 pmpdt d*mn autocorrect.

7:03 pmpdt I was afraid 😱 of god probably since I was 7 years old I started becoming aware of the concept of god. I remember becoming afraid 😱 of my own thoughts 💭 & feelings & probably what god would think 💭 if my thoughts 💭 & feelings. Sometimes I had to fight very weird feelings $ sometimes I had to fight not very good feelings. It was exhausting feeling all those feelings that I didn’t want. Once I felt like I was going crazy & that I might kill someone & in hopes the feelings would go away I knocked knock ✊ on wood 🪵 all night. & I did not realize my neighbor heard 👂 me & was annoyed & retaliated in a very strange timing ⏱ a moment b4 I was about to fall asleep 😴 as if he was psychic. Then it seemed apparent that he had a young woman 👩🏼 in bed 🛌 with him he wasn’t married to yet probably. & in case he could hear 👂 me , Bcz I heard her giggle 🤭 after he knocked on the wall, while I only knocked knock ✊ on my pine 🌲 wood 🪵 bed 🛌 frame 🖼, I said if you have time to retaliate then you’re not busy enough. I think 🤔 he started to hustle after that & seemed more busy? Was it wishful thinking 🤔 I said something (pain 7:13 pmpdt) right? Soon 🔜 after that I think I heard my mom say his uncle bought him a Tesla. 7:14 pmpdt

It was probably wishful thinking 🤔. I’m stupid. 7:15 pmpdt how did he hear 👂 me? Maybe the bed was too close to the wall. I’m not sure 🤔 if I had put a space that time Bcz I might have switched sides & became afraid 😱 I would hit my head on the wall? It’s possible but I don’t remember anymore. I guess I’m stupid again. 🤦‍♀️ More aches abdominal groin doesn’t feel right feels a lot of diarrhea. I guess god is upset I didn’t follow through on suicide. He probably thinks I’m lying. I did condemn myself to the point that I thought 💭 I should but I was a chicken 🐔 & didn’t want to deal with the actual action of doing it. I felt remorse for what I did but death ☠️ is scary. I made excuses not to do things like not get another job but I was extremely scared 😱 to face people I was afraid 😱 Bcz I doubted myself. Bcz I didn’t double check Bcz I did something i should not have & I put myself in a questionable? Position. My way of dealing with problems was crawling in to bed 🛌 & questioning myself why why why why. I was too chicken 🐔. 7:25 pmpdt I asked god several times in 2017/2018 if the guy was ok. I saw 👀 many Dodge Chargers 🔌 & I thought 💭 that meant he stopped b4 I crossed. But he didn’t telll me verbally . Rarely says anything to me . Seems he only says stuff to make trouble happen trouble 👿 here comes trouble incubus wore that tshirt. Diarrhea cramps a minute ago. 7:28 pmpdt 7:29 pmpdt please read previous posts if you are new. 7:29 pmpdt 7:30 🕢 pmpdt

7:34 pmpdt I also changed my diet again. & again & again & again 7:35 pmpdt

7:42 I changed my diet hoping to change me. 7:43 pmpdt I remember feeling not very awake? While I drove once. & I realized I had forgot to take my vitamins that morning. I think 💭 it was Bcz I was still not yet recovered from the punch 🤛 my cousin pounded into my head. 7:45 pmpdt

7:46 pmpdt I think incubus is trying to destroy all my organs w/ fire 🔥 & vinegar & gas ⛽️ oline. I don’t believe that I will survive this. 🦩7:47 pmpdt it’s not a fake out magic 🪄 process to make me stronger. He really hates me. I wish they would have ended my life early when I was conceived. Not make me miserable my whole life for someone else’s amusement & profit. 7:50 pmpdt hungry strong hunger pangs. Hot 🥵 don’t want to get up 🆙. Need to go. 7:51 pmpdt

9:11 pmpdt incubus forced out all the food from my stomach & left shoulder pain 9:12 pmpdt a lot of gurgling happened. I usually feel bad & twisted. Am I really? Btwn years 2011-2014 I felt a lot of fear whenever my Sony dream 😴 machine radio 📻 alarm went off & it was maroon 5 playing. Probably 3 days in a row. I guess I inherited a bad personality. I should not have done that to Q. Was Q a good friend to me? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️. There were times she said “best friend” even though I thought 💭 we didn’t hang out enough at the time to feel true. I wanted to reciprocate but I had difficulty holding onto the feelings. I m trying hard to remember. Incubus is making it extremely difficult to remember. I think 🤔 that was what probably it was. I wanted to find someone else to be friends with for a while. Sometime after a neighbor moved out & a new one a woman moved in sometime btwn 2011-2014 I wanted to be friends with someone who was not Q. I wanted to not see Q anymore. I gave her chances but I wasn’t happy. I felt sick after hanging out with Q. Q can be nice but I think 🤔 she likes to take whatever she wants, the bigger stuff - having to do w/ guys w/o regarding my feelings. & she set me up 🆙 with Scott & blamed me for the s*x, even though her own mom & her thought there was something wrong with him. 9:26 pmpdt she I think wasn’t looking out for anyone but herself. Maybe that’s a conclusion I shouldn’t jump to but I really don’t like my experience with the both of them anymore. 9:28 pmpdt

[rhythmandstrings]

2022

Here we go again!

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?

Paddle the Whanganui River, finish a degree, get Covid, keep plants alive for over a year, knit a sock, hire an employee.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Nah, still don’t really do those.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep. One close friend, and one other friend, as well as several acquaintances. Living that early 30s life...

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nobody close, but several friends lost parents this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just around NZ. Hopefully next year, now that the borders are open again!

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?

I’m hoping by the end of the year to have a place of my own. Maybe even one where I’m paying my own mortgage, rather than someone else’s?

7. What dates from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Whanganui River, Pukawa trip, Vanessa and Alister’s wedding, Milford Trip, Caitlin’s visit, Rakuira trip, Wellyfest, probably other stuff. Basically all the lovely travel away with friends.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finishing a degree in Youth Development, definitely! With straight A+s to boot.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t think I had any super major ones this year, which is really nice. Probably some work stuff around people management and communications of responsibilities.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Got Covid after the Milford trip. It was highly shit and I was down for two weeks, and still recovering for a further three months. 0/10, would not recommend.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Travel and rips away with friends. A new tramping pack. Some lovely artwork.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

I don’t know. I always find this question really hard. Most people deserve to be celebrated?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

I also always find this one hard. A few of our ex-volunteers, Putin, and the general awful that is alt-right assholes.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food, rent, travel, and the dentist.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Caitlin visiting. Also travel stuff, friends’ wedding, Jenny Mitchell concerts, and Vanessa starting at work

16. What song will always remind you of 2022?

I’m really not sure this year. Maybe Tug of War, by Jenny Mitchell

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier

b) thinner or fatter? Oh, definitely fatter

c) richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Going for walks outside, reaching out to friends

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Buying takeaways

20. How did you spend Christmas?

The usual combination of family and family friends. Lunch at family friends’ place, then an assortment of people over for dinner at my parents’ place.

21. Did you fall in love in 2022?

Nah

22. How many one-night stands?

Technically none, but maybe kind of one.

23. What was your favourite TV program?

Buffy. Binge watched it all for the first time, and can’t believe it took me so long!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not really. I don’t really do hating people, and those that would otherwise fall into the category aren’t worth my brain space.

25. What was the best book you read?

Bonk - the curious coupling of sex and science, by Mary Roach

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I feel like I’ve done a lot of listening to new albums from artists I already know and like this year. Maddie Poppe?

27. What did you want and get?

A degree, a bit more free time, several good adventures.

28. What did you want and not get?

Jeans that fit right

29. What was your favourite film of this year?

I haven’t really watched many movies once again. Onward?

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Turned 31. Went to work and had dinner with my family.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Sorting out my stuff enough to be a bit further along the house buying journey? I think overall it’s been a pretty solid year for the most part, though.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2022?

Jeans, leggings, t-shirts, and a fair bit of plaid. Comfortable and clean clothes are still my go-to here, and really doesn’t change on a year-to-year basis.

33. What kept you sane?

Music, podcasts, friends, colleagues, monthly supervision sessions, naps.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I don’t think I can even name someone for this one...

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Probably the war in Ukraine.

36. Who did you miss?

Caitlin remains top of the list. Ireland is very far away.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Marlene and Udit, I think

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022:

Trusting others’ assumptions about the priority level of different projects is not the same as confirming them with the whole team, and it’s really a lot better to be sure of this sooner, rather than at the last minute.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

“It’s just the way that it goes // sometimes the world feels awful slow // and it’s just the way that it is // we all go fishing, ‘til we’re sick of fish // and it don’t make no sense // we all dream of the green over that fence // but it comforts me to know // that it’s just the way it goes.” - Lucy, Jenny Mitchell

40. How did you spend New Year’s Eve?

Board games, pot luck, spa, and friends down the road at my parents’ place.

[laurenceslife]

Chapter 22

            Next day, during a filming break, the wind’s power immediately began growing at a huge speed. It brought lots of sand from the wind’s direction, and it was even hard to walk in it.

Everybody got to be full of sand, they were breathing with difficulty by the huge powered wind, especially this way that the sand also pretty much got mixed up with the air. Everybody was loudly grumbling, annoyed or swearing; the filming’s continuation was postponed, and they fled into the bus they came by.

They already would have set off back for the hotel when Francis began to speak:

- Oh my God! – he cried out in horror, looking back.

The others looked back, too, and saw that the storm destroyed almost the whole film set.

            On the basis of Francis’ idea, the filming continued with the demolished film set until the film set would be made again, but since the day of the sandstorm, he was even more restless again, like when Marlon and Harvey were the reasons why there were problems with the filming.

- I’ve never seen him like this before – Larry said to Martin when they were having dinner together – He’s like he went mad and depressed at the same time. Like he’s got a panic attack and burst of anger at the same time – the boy’s face was sympathizing.

- In its beginning, he hadn’t even comprehended it – Martin said – While he’s starting to regain consciousness from the numbness that defends him against it, it’s just getting worse and worse. I’m twitchy, too; I’ve been pinning my hopes on this movie. It’s not healthy this way that he leads the filming in that state of mind. The result also would be better if he could concentrate more, and we could perform better, too, if he didn’t yell at us.

            Days were passing, and Francis was driving the actors so hard that everybody got up restlessly, and groggily had a breakfast, went to the set, shot the movie, went back to the hotel to take a shower, to clean their teeth and to sleep late at night, every day except on Sunday. What Larry was chiefly thinking about, wasn’t when he could meet with Jenny again and that he should forgive Emily, because Francis and Martin were on the edge of exhaustion psychosis if they hadn’t cracked up completely yet.

Later, Francis succeeded in accepting that he panicked and drove the actors very hard in vain, he only used to stifle the fact inside him that they would have been ready in vain filming those scenes which didn’t need the entire film set, because after a while, it was going to be necessary to wait until the film set would be ready, and since then, they didn’t shoot through so many hours every day, but Francis and Martin had still been very restless.

- John, I’ve told you a thousand times that this script’s lousily not OK! – Francis yelled at the scriptwriter on the last day of February.

- I don’t believe it! You don’t understand that with those cheap guns, every armed scene will be worthless! – the thirty-one-year old, bearded John Milius tried to persuade him, shouting, too.

- Your huge gun-mania’s what I’ll die of! You will rewrite the scenes, full period! Less gunfight, cheaper guns!

The actors were only watching them while the two men were quarreling over it in their presence. By this, Larry found a further subject for his conversations with Jenny.

Then the two bearded men agreed with each other on writing on the script later together and now rather going back to the hotel to have a rest.

            Next day, it was Sunday, so there wasn’t any filming. Larry happened to be watching TV when Emilio knocked on the door.

- I was just told that Dad caught a heart attack, and was taken to hospital – he said, trembling and almost scared to death – Are you coming with me to the hospital?

- Yeah – the other boy said, almost scared to death, too, and they already set off - But why aren't you going with your family? – Larry was surprised.

- My mom has gone there already but didn't want us to go there.

- And how can he have a heart attack?! – Larry asked on the way – He’s only thirty-five years old and isn’t even fat! Or does he have some heart disease?

- While he doesn’t have that either! – Emilio said, in astonishment, too.

- Cool it, he’ll surely survive, he’s still young – Larry said when they were on a bus already but his voice was still panicky, too.

- How’s he now? – Larry asked when they had arrived in the hospital, and Martin's doctor happened to be going into the ward.

- He’s still in critical condition. His heart has stopped once, and it can happen again several times.

- When can we go in? – Emilio asked in a trembling voice.

- We’ll speak to you guys when he regains consciousness but it can take even hours.

- We'll be waiting for a while – Larry said, and he and the other boy sat down on two chairs with trembling legs.

The doctor went in, and Larry was leaning his head on his hands and watching the white tiles with lowered head. He felt like he was in a surreal dream.

He was trying to make himself get used to the thought that his friend could die, and then he rather didn’t even dare to think of it.

- Do your brothers and sister know what happened? – he asked.

- Yeah but they’re too young yet to come here - Emilio said, looking down, too.

Then they heard that the man was being revitalized again in the ward. 

- I'll rather get off ’cause one goes crazy by it – Emilio stood up. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He hadn’t been ready to get to know that he died.

- Where are you going? – the other boy asked.

- Just to the first floor. 

- Me too - Larry stood up, too, at the end of his tether, and they set off.

They went downstairs to the diner, and were rather waiting there for the doctor's notification about Martin dying or waking up, not to be hearing the attempt to revitalize him.

- Are you guys waiting for anybody? – the seller girl asked who could be between twenty and twenty-five, and her black hair was in a ponytail on her back.

- Yeah – Larry answered gloomily, watching the greenish blue, little table.

- Won't you guys buy anything till then? Or are you guys gonna eat anything together? – the girl asked tensely.

The boy sighed.

- There’s no money with me, I came to my friend suddenly who’s being revitalized now, and we didn’t wanna hear it, and now we're waiting for the doctor to inform us if he died or regained consciousness! – he shouted furiously.

Emilio couldn't even begin to speak, and the girl and the two older women and an old man who were in the diner, looked at him, startled by his shouting and by what he said.

The girl went up to Larry and Emilio, and sat down at their table.

- I’m sorry… Of course, you guys don’t have to buy anything – she said – Your friend will surely recover, calm down.

- OK – the boy sighed.

Then Martin’s doctor appeared.

The boys quickly stood up from the chairs, and were waiting for the man with infinite terror to tell them if Martin died.

The girl went back behind the counter, and was looking at them, sympathizing.

- I thought you guys haven’t gone away yet – the doctor began it – So your friend regained consciousness; you guys can go in.

- OK, thanks – Larry said, and he and Emilio went back upstairs, then went in through the ward’s door.

Martin was connected to machines, and was lying in the bed; he was snowy and motionless. Larry got frightened of him. He seemed to be dead already, like he was only left on the machines.

- Hi… - the man said weakly, slowly turning his head towards the boys; till then, he was watching the ceiling.

- Hello – Larry said after going there slowly – How are you feeling? – he asked the stupid question like he couldn’t see how weak he was, and Emilio was speechless by the sight.

- It's so good... that I can see... you guys... one more time, too - the man was panting - I… will be… with Jesus… soon.

- The doctor didn’t say it so it’s surely not true – Emilio said but his voice was extremely scared.

- Maybe he… hasn’t… told or… he can’t… tell kids, the patient… neither. Call a priest!

The nurse told the boys to already let the patient rest.

In the corridor, he and Larry met the doctor, and asked him about what prospect Martin had.

- He is critically ill. His heart can stop at any moment, and after a while, probably we can’t revitalize him anymore. There’s very little hope of him staying alive – the man said in a low voice.

Emilio flopped down to one of the chairs, and Larry began feeling dizzy, too.

- The doctor said there’s very little hope but he didn't say there’s no hope – Larry said to calm both of them down – But now you’ve got to comply with what your dad said to do.

Then they saw that a priest was already going into the ward.

- Well, OK, I won't stay here anymore – the boy set off with Larry.

They went downstairs, and left the hospital. Larry had never pitied anybody more than Emilio and Martin.

They went back to the hotel.

Larry went in his own suite, and called Zac who always put him in a better mood.

He was reporting to him about everything that had happened since they had last talked, and Zac was also telling him everything that had happened to him since then, then they were talking about good movies and girls to divert Larry’s thoughts from what happened to Martin.

- Why don’t you call Jenny? – Zac asked – You have time to talk to her now.

- Maybe it’s not a good idea now that I’m so broken down…

- Why? You could be chatting with her like with me. It’s possible to also chatter about other things, not only about bad things.

- OK, you succeed in talking me into that. Thanks for the advice.

Larry was talking to Jenny on the phone, and then went with Emilio and with Kerry, one of the actors, to a place of entertainment to drink and play billiards.

They were guffawing a lot at one another’s stories and comments while drinking.

When they had gone back to the hotel, Larry succeeded in falling asleep by the alcohol instead of considering whether Martin would stay alive.

            Next morning, when he was having a headache and felt sick, received that he drank a lot.

He was even letting the breakfast out of the day, and when his stomach had been better, he began drinking lots of water for his headache, on the advice of Emilio.

On the set, he had still been constantly making up for the liquid what the alcohol sucked away when they weren’t shooting his scenes, but still hardly could concentrate on the filming by the headache, so Francis was yelling at him because the man was broken down, anyway, because of losing Martin and because of the other things that had happened to the filming.

Later, Emilio’s advice was effective, so Larry could concentrate on working already, so the director stopped yelling at him.

On the other hand, when he had arrived back in the hotel, he met his mother in the living room, and she asked him about what was yesterday and how the filming was going, and when Larry told him, Hattie told him off because he appeared on the set with a hangover. Hattie said, different directors, who didn’t treat him like he was their son, would have had a quarrel with him forever and would have discredited him, so nobody would have worked with him anymore, and his career would have been lost. She said, if he would have such a big move like this one more time, she would call his father there.

Larry was having a conscience without it too, about last night, he still felt good while Martin was dying in the hospital.

His mother’s hysteria put the lid on it to him – he thought when he went in his room, and began throwing everything at the wall he found in the room. He didn’t care that he would have to pay them, and anyway, he was mostly throwing his own clobbers at the wall, and they weren’t so luxury items that it would have been hard to make up for them.

Fortunately, his mother didn’t notice that it was happening in his room, she thought one of Martin’s sons was doing it.

            Larry and Martin’s family systematically went to see the man, and sometimes some other actors of the film went to see him, too. The morale was like he already died. Janet, his wife, the still very young children and Martin’s mother constantly cried, and the others fled into cherishing illusions of that little hope that he would stay alive.

One of his brothers Joe was playing his role so it wouldn’t be necessary to delete his scenes while a lot of things had delayed completing the movie already. Francis wouldn’t even have had enough nervous system to shoot all of Martin’s scenes again, and his brother traveled there to go to see him, anyway.

- You hardly call me already since Martin had a heart attack, while I and my family are gonna fly there for the spring holiday because of you – Jenny burst in saying it some weeks later.

- I didn’t want to stick this mournful mood on you – Larry said sullenly – I don't wanna you to constantly comfort me, and don't wanna scare you away - he continued a lot gentler.

- I thought you constantly go to see him ’cause he's more important to you - the girl said, startled - So what do you do when we're not talking?

- I talk to my cousins and friends - he sighed and sat down on the bed - I hear what happens to them, and we talk about that, not to think of Martin during it... I haven’t even gone to see him for a while, not to see what shape he’s in...

- Maybe he's already better, and you don't even know it yet because of it. Also, maybe he’s missing you. I already know I was selfish, and you are that now, too, ’cause you don't give poor one's due, his having a friend next to him before he dies. By the way have you even at least asked anybody about how he is? Maybe he's not even dying anymore! What if he started to recover from his heart attack?

The boy furiously stood up from the bed.

- I can see what state of mind his family is in, every time I notice them in the corridor of the hotel! - he said furiously, desperately and almost shouting it - I know that my friend's dying and I can't do anything against it by going to see him! It's the same to him already, anyway! Isn't it the same to him what happened to him before his death?! - he clonked back to the bed.

- I know it's hard for you now.

- It's good that you're talking to me - he said in a low voice - Do you still wanna meet with me?

- Of course.

            Later, he went to be filming, and then he was having dinner together with some actors.

- Hey Larry, how’s Martin? – Harrison asked while stuffing the beef into his mouth.

- The same health of state – the boy said in an expressionless voice.

- At least his condition hasn’t changed for the worse.

- So there’s some hope yet – Scott said.

Larry suddenly stopped eating.

The possibility that there would be such a period before his death when there would be no more hope that he would stay alive, hadn’t even come into his head yet. He was already terrified that Martin would already surely die, and he wanted to reassure himself that his condition hadn’t changed for the worse. He could only achieve it by going to see him and talking to his doctor, so he decided to go to the hospital to visit him tomorrow.

            Because of the possibility that Martin would already surely die, he still hardly could be sleeping at night. It came into his head that he could be almost only better than his latest condition, at least how he knew it before, but because of the same thing, there was more possibility that he would die, so he was in the same health of state or in a worse health of state.

He sleepily got up, had breakfast with his mother and with Emily, then went to the set. Of course, buses go from the jungle to the hospital and they were taken back to the hotel by cars, so he set off to the hospital from the hotel. From there, he found his way to the bus stop, and knew where to get off and where to go because he systematically went to Martin before.

On the bus, when he was seeing through the windows that they were going towards the hospital, he felt the tension already by it, because he would see one of his best friends in that shape again.

When he had arrived in the hospital, and opened the door of the ward, the sight of his pale, motionless friend who was connected to machines, hit him again.

He wasn’t counting on his family to be there, but several members of his family were there.

First, Janet contemptuously looked at him because he came only after two weeks, but in the next moment, Charlie ran up to him joyously.

- Imagine what happened, the doctor just said that our dad’s condition got better, and already there was a lot more chance of his recovering! – he said. Larry only then noticed that he was connected to fewer machines and wasn’t so pale anymore.

First, Larry was happy about it, but then was lingering some yards from the door, embarrassed, because he wanted to talk to the man between the two of them to be able to tell him why he hadn’t gone to see him for two weeks. He couldn't send the others out of the ward after what happened.

- When we will be the two of us, I’ll tell you why I haven’t come to see you for two weeks – he said in a puzzled voice.

- We’re curious to know it, too – Janet began to speak furiously – He said he missed you but didn't want us to nag you if you didn’t wanna come.

- I didn’t wanna see him that way – Larry said in a low voice – That's why I haven’t come.

- I forgive you – Martin smiled.

- Thanks – his friend went up to him, and sat down at the edge of his bed – So many things happened that you missed! – he said enthusiastically – I'm gonna tell you when I won’t be bothering the others. And how are you? Do you also feel that you’re better?

- In these circumstances, when you guys are here, yes.

[ahnsael]

I’m going to try to keep this spoiler-free for those who may have not yet watched yesterday’s big sportsball game and still have plans to.

From the time I got up for work last night, I worked VERY HARD to avoid seeing the results of the Super Bowl. I usually at least open my browser to see if I have any messages on social media before I leave for work (if they’re pressing I respond, if not I make a mental note to reply in the morning after work). I didn’t do that last night. I just opened my email, saw nothing work-related, and turned my computer back off (I would have just checked on my phone or watch, but turning on my computer when I wake up is a habit, even if it’s only on for 10-15 minutes).

Even at work, with 32 televisions (and 30 of them tuned to sports channels), I averted my gaze away from them. Which is not easy when one of them is literally the size of the average bedroom wall (and tuned to the NFL channel, so I KNOW they were talking about the game). I saw some flashes of celebrations just enough to see a lot of the color red, but fortunately for me that’s a color both Super Bowl teams wear, so the color itself wasn’t a spoiler as long as I didn’t look directly at it and see a team logo.

I knew there was a replay of the game on at 12:30am on the NFL network and, even though I would still be working and couldn’t just sit and watch it, I wanted it to be as “organic” as seeing the results of the Australian Open, which was live over the past week or so while I was at work due to the time zone difference -- I would take a few minutes here and there when I could to watch a few plays (and I had the audio playing in the sports book room, where the gigantic TV is -- I thought it would be overkill and maybe send people packing if I played it throughout the casino; this is the one morning per week that I REALLY want the casino to be empty, but...not if they’re later going to complain to someone else about the audio), but other than that just have it on six of the TVs so no matter where I am in the casino, I can glance up at it.

And in three shifts this week, I re-enabled Closed Captions on all TVs where some jerk keeps turning them off for the third time (I’ve actively been trying to find out who is turning them off so I can explain why they’re important, but so far either nobody knows who is turning them off, even though the poll of people who have access to do so is short now that we control our TVs with a password-protected app instead of a regular Cable remote control -- I leave them disabled on the big screen since we can play audio on that one PLUS have that channel on one of the other 9 TVs on that wall WITH captioning so everybody can be accommodated, including people who hate the idea of words but more importantly, those who LIKE to read words but I want them enabled on all 31 other TVs -- this was the deal I struck with the Sports Book, and this is a deal I’m going to go down fighting for), so that if I wasn’t in the sports book area to hear the audio, I could read the commentary on the screen.

I told my co-workers at the start of the shift that I didn’t want to know the results just yet, that I hadn’t watched it, I don’t have a DVR, and so I was going to be seeing it for the first time during my shift. I told several guests, when they brought up the subject, what I was trying to do.

And then, as there were less than three minutes left in the game and the result was very much still up in the air, a manager from a competing local casino came in to play (managers at his casino aren’t allowed to play in the casino at which they work, where I am okay to play at the casino at which I work).

He said, “Can you believe that game?” So I repeated my refrain of the night: “I haven’t seen the result yet -- it’s on the TVs right now and I’m trying to not spoil the ending until I can pretend I saw it live.”

And then he spoiled the ending. He mentioned a thing that happened late in the game and literally one minute later that basically cemented the result in favor of one team, I saw that play on the TVs.

By then I had a feeling I knew who had won based on how things were going in the game -- it was still close, but it was getting a bit more desperate on one side.

But I was bummed to have it spoiled for me before it was a sure thing, even though it ended with the result I kind of thought was going to happen (I would have bet on it, but I would have only won $1 for every $1.20 I bet -- so if I put $12 on the game, I would have gotten paid $10).

I will say the game was good for the sports book (not ours -- we lease the space to them, though I don’t know whether we get a percentage or a flat rate). Our sports book location alone took in over $20,000 in live bets on the game (not counting bets made in the automated kiosk, which had a line about five deep Saturday night until it was shut down at 3am to get its daily odds updates).

But I was SO CLOSE to finding out the result organically instead of through a third party.

It’s like one Super Bowl Sunday where I was working the popcorn cart at Central Plaza at Disneyland. I figured, “there are no TVs for guests in the park, all I have to do is avoid the subject backstage, and I can take breaks in less populated break areas to help my odds, and then I can watch it on my VCR at home which I have set to record the game.”

But then, just before the second parade of the day, some jerk with a Watchman (remember those? Then you’re probably over 40 -- I’d say that if you’re younger, think “Walkman” but for TVs but you may not know what the Walkman is either) in the parade crowd yelled out the final score.

I just recorded over the game without watching it. I can watch some movies over and over again, despite knowing the ending. But if I know the ending of a sportsball event, I can’t even try to bother watching it once.

I mean, there are exceptions. I can watch Kirk Gibson’s 1988 home run with Vin Scully’s commentary countless times (though I probably wouldn’t watch the full game again). That moment was LIKE a movie. I can watch clips of sports when I know what happens. But a full game, with the time outs and the down times for commercials and the plays that mean nothing? Can’t do it. But put a copy of Waking Ned Devine in front of me, and I’m all in, no matter how many times I’ve seen it.

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ��1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[justoneacatperson]

First Date

This is reupload from my old blog!

request by @therealpotatobish

TodoDeku x Fem! Reader

Date with Todoroki and Midoriya is, to put it mildly - chaos. Where do I start?

First we have Todoroki. Very handsome young man with two-tone hair and eyes. We all know that Shoto is not familiar with many things, his childhood was not very colorful and rosy, not at all.

He has not seen his parents take care of each other or behave like a couple, so he is not very familiar with how to treat a person he likes.

He didn’t even realize he liked Midoriya when he was still a student at U.A. It was good that there were his sister to explain to him what those feelings were.

We have already seen that he takes things seriously and does not understand jokes or metaphors, so it takes time to work with him.

Certainly his relationship with Izuku helped him a lot. He showed him what love, care and empathy are, but for him things are complicated again. He and Izuku will date a woman, a woman they have been in love with since their school years in the U.A. Shoto doesn’t know how to treat a woman and what they would like.

We also have the next one, namely Midoriya. Our broccoli boy has remained the same shy young man, despite his fame as the new No.1 hero, this part of him has not changed.

He would certainly do better than Todoroki, but his still shy nature worries him that he won’t be able to talk to you.

They are both worried about your reaction to everything. They have never heard that you like someone, nor have there been rumors that you are with someone, they didn’t even know if you like boys !? Nevertheless, you accepted their invitation to a date, at least they managed to make it clear that they were inviting you to a date, a DATE, and you were fine with that.

Now was the date where they would know if they had a chance with you, and here they were, sitting at the reserved table, waiting for you to come.

21:27p.m

Deku kept a close eye on his watch, looking at every minute. They had arrived about ten minutes ago and were sitting nervously at the table, well, Izuku was moving nervously, and Shoto was sitting meekly, staring at one dot, trying to keep his mind tidy and clear.

-“She will come, Midoriya, our dateis at 9:30p.m.” Todoroki exclaimed, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand under the table to reassure him.

-“Ah, I know, Shoto-san, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous.” the green-haired man replied, smiling at his partner. -���We have been waiting for a long time for the chance to invite her and the fact that she agreed and now we will have a date makes me feel surreal. It’s as if I’ve finally reached a goal that I thought was impossible. It’s very strange that happens, I still consider it unrealistic.”

The two-colored man looked at him with surprised heterochromic eyes. Despite their years together, the things they went through could not be compared to that. And the fact that Deku feels that way surprises him. He is also surprised that he was able to describe how he felt too.

It felt like he was 17 again in his 2nd year at U.A. When he shared his feelings to Midoriya. Confused, scared, excited. He never believed that he would fall in love or be able to be a partner, the love of someone else.

A small smile crept across his face. Todoroki leaned over to his partner, leaning his head on his shoulder. Their physique has changed and evolved over the years. Already in his mid-twenties, Deku had grown much taller than his school years. He was now towering over Shoto.

Midoriya smiled, leaning against Shoto, planting a kiss on his white and red hair.  The two parted, looking up at a door that could be heard opening and closing. 20:30, you arrived just in time.

You looked around the restaurant in confusion, looking for your table. Midoriya instinctively raised his hand, waving at you and shouting. -“(Y/n)-chan!” you looked up at them, a wide smile appeared on your face, bringing butterflies into the stomachs of both heroes.

-“Hey, Deku, Sho!” you replied, going to them.

Midoriya wanted to make a good impression by taking your jacket and pulling your chair backward to sit, but you came like a whirlwind, sitting hastily in the seat in front of them. Obviously there will be no good first impression.

-“Oh, I was in such a hurry so as not to be late.” you started, removing your jacket, leaving it on the back of the chair. - “I was nervous not to be late because there was a traffic jam on the road. After I managed to park it took me time to find the restaurant and…”

Deku waved his arms in front of him, trying to reassure you that you weren’t late, sharing his own worries about not being late. So you two became a muttering mess, and Todoroki rested his chin on his hand, happily watching the scene in front of him. Cute.

-“You are not late, you have nothing to worry about.” the two-colored man called out of nowhere, stopping you and Izuku.

-“It’s good to know.” you said calmly, leaving your hands on the table. -“Long time no see.”

-“Since our graduation in the U.A.” added the green-haired man, rubbing the back of his head.

-“What’s happen with you? I last heard you joined Selkie’s agency.” you nodded in agreement to Shoto.

-“Yes, my quirk would be very welcome in sea battles.”

-“Are you adapting fast?” Deku asked cheerfully.

-“Yes, the hero Manual is there too. We have some pretty similar quirks, so he was so kind to help me adapt.” you replied, controlling the water in your glass with your quirk, making it take the shape of a snake and move along the walls of your glass in a circle.

-“This is very good.” exclaimed the hero, tying his hands on the table.

They both felt a little awkward, not knowing how to continue the conversation, fortunately the waitress saved them by giving them the menus. You opened the menu of hard leather covers, looking at the variety of foods.

-“Oh, hey, Sho, they have a cold soba.” you said excitedly, showing him the menu on the first page.

-“So I’ll order a cold soba.” the two-colored man replied before receiving muttering from Midoriya.

-“But, Sho, we have a whole pot full of soba!” you laughed at their interaction, attracting their attention.

-“What?” they both asked at the same time.

-“Nothing, you just haven’t changed since we graduated from the U.A.” you said with a laugh. Deku giggled too, smiling at you.

-“What do you mean? We look the same way we did 7 years ago?” Todoroki asked confusedly, looking at himself and his boyfriend and again to himself. You and Izuku looked at each other and almost fell from your seats with your boisterous laughter. -“Ah?”

-“O-oh…. Sho!” tears formed in the corners of your eyes, wiping them with your hand. -“You’re still funny!”

-“Funny?”

-“Yes.” the green-haired man replied, leaning his head on his partner’s shoulder.

The three of you ordered a teishoku, receiving it in about 30 minutes. Everyone enjoy their food before Todoroki calls.

-“(Y/n), do you see our old class?” you swallowed your food before answering.

-“Yes, even with some very often.” you said, playing with your chopsticks, twisting them between your fingers and doing tricks with them. -“Most often I go out with Kaminari, by some chance it turned out that we work in the same agency.”

-“Kaminari-san?” Deku exclaimed, looking at you in astonishment. You nodded, uttering a little “Uhm.”

-“All right, that’s nice! We haven’t heard from Denki.”

-“Are you close to each other?” Shoto asked, taking another bite of his meal.

-“I’d say yes. We go out often, we message to each other, he’s very cute. He’s also grown a lot from UA, he’s become more responsible and he controls his quirk much better. We have a lot of fun together. We have dinners for us, in which we are on the couch at my or his home and eating popcorn while watching scary movies. "you said with a smile on your face.

-"Oh, I understand…” Todoroki replied, bowing his head over his food, hiding his face through his hair, which he had left to grow for reaching a length where he could tie it in a bun.

Izuku reached under the table, gripping his boyfriend’s thigh, rubbing it lightly to offer support. He knew his boyfriend’s lack of confidence in relationships. He has always worried about whether he is doing well as a partner and doing everything right.

Talking about a boy (and you’re not the person who talks a lot or often about people, especially boys), who is the opposite of his personality and sees that you’re really having fun with him, feels like someone hit him with wet rag across the face.

-“And you guys…” you called, bringing them both back to reality. -“How are you? The press is very interested in your relationship.” you smiled slyly.

-“So… After we graduated from UA, Shoto and I went to Endeavor’s agency, as his partners in catching villains. That was until we turned 22, All Might offered to take his agency… And I took it.” he replied, scratching the back of his head where his undercut was. -“The press found out about my relationship with Todoroki when I took the agency and there were hundreds of news stories that said, ‘Hero No.1 is in a relationship with Endeavor’s son’.”

-”O!?”

-“Yes, and still receives dozens of emails a day, invitations for interviews about our relationship.”

-“It’s too much for you. The press hasn’t learned for so many years that the heroes have a private life that they usually keep to themselves and don’t want to make it public. The personal space of the heroes must be respected.” you said and turned to Todoroki. -“And for so many years as a pro-hero, people have kept leading you the 'son of Endeavor,’ and that’s all you’re known for.”

-“It’s annoying.” Todoroki replied, making you and Deku giggle a little.

-“Well, those are just words from older people in Japan.” the green-haired man exclaimed, rubbing his boyfriend’s thigh. -“I am sure that the young generation will remember you with your name and your deeds.”

-“You’re right.” said his partner.

-“Ah, (Y/n)-san, do you happen to be in a relationship or dating someone?” Midoriya asked you. Shoto immediately ran one hand under the table, squeezing his thigh - too early, Midoriya.

-“O!?” you opened your eyes wide to them from the sudden question. -“No, I’m not in a relationship, I’m not dating anyone. Why do you ask?”

-“Uhhh…” and now was the scariest part of this meeting - to tell you. Shoto looked at Izuku out of the corner of his eye, looking for an answer as to what to do. -“With Shoto we wanted to ask you something…”

-“Yes…” you said under your breath.

-“Would you like to be with us?” Todoroki asked suddenly, leaning back in his chair.

You and Deku looked shocked at the two-colored man. You dropped your chopsticks as you watched Sho like you saw a ghost. Izuku immediately started waving his arms, trying to reassure you, saying that they were not forcing you to be in relationship with them, that they would not be in a hurry, that they would not be angry if you refused, and ect.

It just took you a moment to process Shoto’s question. They wanted to date you? Really? You were like close friends during your school years, but you didn’t think they had any other than platonic feelings about you. They were both open and comfortable, both shy and anxious around you or when talking to you. You wouldn’t be lying if you said you didn’t have feelings for them in the U.A., but once you found out they were in a relationship, it discouraged you a lot.

-“So?” Todoroki called again.

-“Sho, calm down, give her ti…”

-“Yes.” you replied, getting “Uh!?” from them. - “I accept, I would like to date you.”

-“Really?” Midoriya asked in surprise.

-“Yes…” you said, tying your hands on the table. -“I would just ask for time to get used to, as this will be my first relationship in my life, especially with more than one person.”

-“We’ll give you all the time you need.” Todoroki said, taking your hand in his. Where did you get this confidence? - Izuku wondered.

-”Thanks.”

-“So… should we continue our dinner to celebrate our relationship?” the green-haired man asked cheerfully.

-“Yes!” you and Shoto answered at the same time.

[matryosika]

𝐟𝐞𝐦𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬: 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞, 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐬.

I've thought long and hard about how should I address this issue and, after a while of contemplation, I feel like it is worth a shot to share my experiences. This is a very personal post and I'm writing it as me; not femme, not a psychology major, not a random smut writer on tumblr.

I'm 21 years of age. This year, on November, I will turn 22.

For some, I might still be a young adult who has no knowledge whatosever about what life is, and for some others, I'm already too old. I, myself, sometimes struggle to see me as a functional adult with responsibilities but, even though in my head I'm still just a reckless teenager wandering around life, I'm not.

In these 21 years I've had both pleasent and unpleasent experiences. I've crossed things on my bucket list, I've read a lot about topics that interest me, I've made mistakes and I've fixed them. Some, it took me a while, and some others are still unresolved.

Internet exposure with no parental supervision was my first and the one that, up to this day, still hurts me.

I thought I was too mature for my own age. I thought I could explore the internet with no caution because there was nothing in this world I hadn't seen in movies or television.

I thought that my brain could handle everything and anything I exposed it to it and, even though at the time it felt like it, now that I look back I realize the damage I was causing myself.

I grew up with a twisted perception of what things should be; from love to sexuality, the media I consumed shaped me into believing that love should look some type of way and that sexuality always had to have certain elements for it to be arousing.

I allowed the internet to teach me things I shouldn't be knowing at such young age, and I regret it.

If I could turn back time, I would've been more careful with the things I did and searched on internet forums. If I could turn back time, I would've talked with my older sister about the unsettling things I saw on the internet instead of getting more curious about it. If I could turn back, I would've lived my childhood and adolescence the way it should be lived, and not around the internet.

I can't change the past and I can't change myself. I believe that a part of me was harmed for good when growing up and sometimes I can't help but wonder what I would be like if i hadn't went through all of that in my younger years.

Would I be healthier? Wiser? Happier?

Would I still be me? Or a better version of myself?

Minors shouldn't be reading this post because I've stated a thousand times that my blog is not a space space for them, but I'm sure that at least one will find a way to me.

So, if that is the case for you, I just want to tell you that all of this isn't worth it.

It is not worth it to "like" stuff you see on the internet because it seems appealing.

It is not worth it to fantasize about these experiences at such young age.

It is not worth it to believe you are too mature for your age.

It is not worth it to try to grow up faster.

It is not worth it to expose yourself to random adults online.

It is not worth it to loose the most beautiful years of your life just because you are curious of things.

Please believe me when I say that exploring your sexuality in such a reckless and dangerous way it's not something that will help you grow or mature into a healthy adult.

Please believe me when I say that there are more things to life beyond what the internet and media shows.

Please believe me when I say that your own perception of things is more valuable than anything else people try to force on you.

Later on, you will have plenty of time. You will have plenty of time to learn, read, experience and explore. You will have plenty of time to fulfill your curiosity. You will have plenty of time to engage and meet new people with interests that matches yours.

But that time it's not right now.

Please believe me.

[super-unpredictable98]

Project Veda | The Last Bus AU

Chapter 1: The Beginning of The Beginning

Warning: Strong language, sexual content, minor spoilers for season 1 of The Last Bus (just in case you didn't watch the whole thing).

(Project Veda Masterlist) | (gif by: @maerenee930)

"I'm pregnant, doc."

Those were the words that really started the story. But I know you all love a good meet-cute, sexy encounters, the beginning of the beginning, so here we go.

One particular day of one particular summer, Eugenia Gilbor, a 22-year-old mechanical engineer who had just graduated from King's College, started working at Monkhouse Dynamics. That had been her dream job ever since she graduated high school, being the environmental activist she was. And I guess you all already know where this is going, right?

If you must know, our protagonist was tall and curvy, she never worried about her weight even though people around her seemed to. Her brown hair was short, right above the shoulders, and her green eyes were blah blah blah. The point is, she was a beautiful girl who didn't really like to be called beautiful.

She'd much rather receive compliments on her brains, hiding behind her glasses and boring clothes to run from everyone's watchful eyes. Only, life isn't an early 2000s teen movie (unfortunately), and wearing glasses and boring clothes, didn't make her any less attractive to anyone.

"Oh shit!" a man cried as a flying drone crashed against a pile of parts supposed to be used when building the prototype for Monkhouse's next great invention: a robot that would be able to perfectly, quickly, and efficiently separate materials that were usually stuck together and couldn't be recycled for that reason, like milk cartons lined with plastic.

"I spent the last three hours gathering these for the prototype! Are you fucking mental, mate?" Eugenia groaned, staring frustrated at the pieces now scattered on the floor, some of them broken.

"I'm- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't scare me! The only thing that scares me is your stupidity! I've been working my ass off on this thing and you just... Doctor Monkhouse will be so angry, I'm not taking the blame for this! You better believe I'll pull the security footage, you're going down, half-wit!"

"I don't think that'll be necessary," the man tried very hard not to laugh, which only made her angrier.

"What? You think this is funny?"

"I do, a little bit."

"What's so funny? The fact that we could both lose our jobs?"

"No, I just don't think Doctor Monkhouse will be that angry."

"And why not?"

"Because I am Doctor Monkhouse."

"Y-y-you are Dalton Monkhouse, oh my gosh," Eugenia covered her mouth, blanching in the face. "I'm so sorry, I'll get my things, do you want me to drop by HR, or do you just want me gone?"

"No, don't go, it's fine," he chuckled and for the first time, she could see how beautiful his smile was. "It's been a while since someone scolded me like this, it's good for the ego."

"I didn't mean to, I'm just so stressed, I really wanted to do everything right, sir. I am a huge fan of yours, I always heard about the amazing Monkhouse, I just didn't imagine you were so-"

"Young?"

"Fit."

"Oh," he froze for a second before a smile twisted his lips. "Thank you... Eugenia," he tilted his head to read her name tag.

"You can call me Genie, everyone calls me Genie," she fixed her glasses, finally kneeling to pick up the broken parts.

"Let me help you with that," Dalton joined her. "It's not a big problem, we can get everything back together in no time. I was just testing this new pollination device, but it needs a few adjustments, as you can see."

"I imagine that's your way of dealing with the whole bee crisis. Soon the little fellas won't be able to keep up. That's a really smart idea, sir."

"I know..." he nodded with a smirk. Monkhouse doubted a lot of things about himself, but never his intelligence. "Genie, can I get you something to drink?"

"I'm okay, I wasn't that startled," she mindlessly answered.

"No, I meant like a coffee or a beer after work, as a thank you for the... Scolding," Dalton teased. "And to apologize for what happened. That's probably not a good first impression of your boss."

"I see," Genie swallowed, unsure if she should accept, doing that sort of thing with someone from work was always tricky, let alone the boss. "Like a date?"

"Uh, maybe? Actually, how old are you? You're old enough to rent a car?"

"No, not quite," Eugenia murmured.

"Will you be able to in the near future? Let's say, if you went to the States, would you be able to drink?" he asked, doing what he could to avoid actual numbers, too scared she'd say no once she found out how many years hid behind his baby face.

"Yes, I could," she laughed.

"Grand! Then yeah, a date."

"Do I get the option to say no or am I gonna lose my job?" Genie narrowed her eyes.

"Of course! You can say no, it's totally okay!"

"I'm just kidding, doc, I'd love to go."

——————————————————

After that date, many others came. Even though Monkhouse was a cynical crazy scientist type, he felt like letting his guard down with Genie. She truly understood him and matched his wits, which not many people could do. With her, he was the best version of himself, which is nice, but also dangerous, because she never had the chance to see what he was like when she wasn't around.

When the two lovebirds met, Dalton was already working on the concept of an orb that could convert organic matter into digital data. He planned to do a huge campaign, trusting his charisma and excessive amounts of money to convince everyone to collaborate and go into cryogenic sleep until the planet had some time to recover. It was a very ambitious idea, but he thought it was obvious that everyone wants a better world.

Fourteen months after their first encounter, the couple got married and went on honeymoon to the Galápagos, both equally passionate about nature and preserving it. But only a year after that, the story decided to really begin.

"Good morning, doc," Genie placed her hand on her husband's chest, kissing his forehead and wrapping her legs around him. "I gotta go to work, but tonight I have something really important to talk about."

"Nooooo, don't go, don't go to work," Dalton groaned, turning to embrace her.

"I have to," she giggled as he leaned against her chest, using her breasts as a pillow. "I'll be late if I don't leave now."

"Your boss told you to take the day off."

"No, he didn't..."

"He is now."

"Oh, I see, the boss wants cuddles too?"

He simply nodded, smiling against her skin, knowing how easy it was to get what he wanted, she could never resist his charms, and he didn't even need to pull the puppy dog eyes this time.

"What do you wanna talk about? Is it about work?" he asked, opening his eyes. "You're not quitting on me, are you?"

"No, it's a surprise."

"Come on, Genie baby! You know I'm no good with surprises, I can't wait, my curiosity always gets the best of me!"

"Not if I can distract you," Eugenia rolled over, getting on top of him, leaning over to kiss her husband while untying the sash of her robe. "Don't think about anything, doc, just think about me."

"You have very compelling arguments," he sighed, letting her unbutton his shirt and kiss her way down his chest. "I love being married to a morning person..."

Humming satisfied, Genie looked up at her husband while her fingers danced around the elastic of his boxers. She wanted him to beg, he knew she wanted him to beg, but he liked playing hard to get.

"Go on, love," he stretched, his arms behind his head as he watched her every move.

"Ask nicely, doc."

"Hmmm..."

"I could always leave and go to work if you prefer."

"Alright, alright," he huffed playfully. "Please, darling."

"Good boy."

As his wife teased him, gently pressing her lips to his inner thighs and sending heat rushing through his body, still Dalton couldn't relax. He kept thinking about what she could possibly want to talk about, she said it was a surprise, but his gut never lied and he felt like whatever she had to say had to be much bigger than he imagined. Something beyond even his comprehension, a cosmic surprise.

"Honey? Why aren't you getting hard?" Genie asked with a frown. "Did I do something wrong? Are you not in the mood?"

"No, that's not it," he shook his head, sitting up. "I just can't relax. Please tell me what you wanted to talk about, just tell me and we can move on."

"I told you, I wanna say it later."

"I won't be able to enjoy it until you tell me, so can we just get it over with? I'm nervous."

"Fine! I was gonna wait until dinner and it would be all romantic, but mister pragmatic couldn't wait so... I'm pregnant, doc," Eugenia whispered.

"Y-you're- We're having a baby?"

"That's usually what happens, yeah," she laughed.

"We're having a baby!" Suddenly these words didn't sound so scary. Probably the older you get, the less threatening they are for some people. "A little genius like me!"

"Someone's full of themselves! But yes, we are."

"Shit, I need to get to work," he jumped out of bed. "Uh, stay naked, I just need to write some stuff down, I'll be back in a minute and I promise to get hard this time."

And get to work he did, knowing that finishing the orb, the Genie orb, was his main priority. If they were having a kid together, this kid deserved to grow up in a better world than this.

He made enough mistakes in the past, he had to get it right this time, what sort of man was he? Already a lying one, or an omitter, he simply couldn't let Eugenia down again. Sometimes he wanted to tell her and share his past with her, but with certain things, the longer you take to say something, the harder it is to say it, so he kept quiet.

That's why Monkhouse gave up on the campaign, it didn't matter if people wanted to collaborate or not, they would have to. He owed this to himself, to his wife, and to his kids.

[renaerys]

22. for reds 🤡

This is 100% not what you asked for (yet...👀), but I give you part 1 of what we're calling the Weird King AU. I'm turning this into a proper multi-chapter High School fic because I love you and I'd jump on any bandwagon for you.

xxx

Like most young, conventionally attractive Supervillains, Brick had made a bit of a habit of failing upwards. It was pretty easy in a town full of simpering morons content to project their own narrative assumptions onto him, and who was he to crush their dreams when they made his life a little easier?

For example, dating.

“You can tell me, you know.” His cute date, Tracy, sipped her milkshake across from him.

“Tell you what?”

She softened and reached her hand across the table. “Your tragic backstory. I’ll listen without judgment, I promise.”

Brick tried to think of something tragic, but it all seemed pretty underwhelming as far as Supervillain origin stories went. “You mean like how I was born in a toilet?”

She made an oh shape with her lips. “We all have those days where we feel like we were born in a toilet, Brick.”

He’d dated Tracy for three months before she broke up with him out of the blue in tears: sorry she couldn’t fix his baggage, she just wasn’t strong enough to handle all that tortured darkness, but she wished him nothing but health and happiness. Brick deleted her number from his phone and spent twenty whole minutes staring at the toilet in his bathroom, wondering what the lesson here was.

But everything changed when Mojo got out of prison and moved Brick and his brothers back to Townsville, where he enrolled them in the local high school alongside their former arch nemeses, the Powerpuff Girls.

Suddenly, everything Brick did pre-supposed ill intent. These people remembered him as the pest who had graffitied their local monuments and blown up their cars and endangered their children. They held no love for him, and at best they feared him. This was not Citiesville, where he’d been a tall, cold glass of Voss water in a sea of recycled Dasani.

He found himself thinking about his birthing toilet again as he stepped into the cafeteria alone and the conversation quieted down as his new classmates watched him from the safety of their tables. His next moves here were critical. He was no longer at the top of the food chain, but fear and mystery surrounding his origins and character gave him a certain power over his peers.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of social suicide, I will fear no cringe,” he said to himself.

The jocks were out. Capable though he may be, Brick was not much of a team player unless there was a blood contract involved requiring his participation on pain of satanic torture. The drama kids were also a hard pass, not because he thought drama was lame, but because they had barely noticed him walk in, and Brick did not have the energy to deal with people more self-involved than himself. Some of the unaffiliated tables could be safe, but without a good understanding of the nuanced social dynamics in the high school, he could be heading toward irreversible doom, and that was a risk he was not willing to take.

He saw his salvation just ahead. It was the only option, all else being equal. In an environment where he couldn’t be certain of his baseline status and potential for upward mobility, there was greatness to be had only by association and certainty only in the devil he knew.

Brick helped himself to the empty seat directly across from Blossom Utonium to a chorus of gasps and staring.

Blossom did not startle like her table mates had. She watched him critically behind a head full of bangs as she balanced her soup spoon in her hand. “Really.”

Brick unwrapped the burrito he’d purchased in the lunch line and brandished it before him. “Really.”

He took a bite of the burrito. It was not hot enough. The two girls to Blossom’s left whispered to each other about that bad boy and he’s hot, though.

Blossom daintily spooned soup into her mouth without spilling a single drop as she continued to watch Brick for signs of his imminent dark side transformation.

The guy next to Brick was brave enough to ask him what his next class was. Brick had a mouth full of disappointing burrito, so he passed the guy the printout of his class schedule in lieu of answering.

“Wow, all APs, huh? Hey, we’re in U.S. History together next period, nice. I’m Mike Believe, by the way. Brick Jojo, right?”

Brick didn’t answer him immediately on account of the burrito currently occupying his mouth hole, and Mike took it the wrong way.

“Oh, yeah, we all know who you are. Blossom sort of filled us in.” He winced like he’d inadvertently revealed a terrible secret.

Brick swallowed his food and washed it down with a gulp of water. “Saves me some time.”

Mike looked super relieved. “For sure! Hey, I could lend you my notes if you want to catch up. Gershwin’s giving a quiz on the Progressive Era on Friday, and she’s a hard-ass who definitely won’t care that you just transferred…”

Brick chewed on his lunch as Mike continued to talk at him about classes and other vaguely helpful, albeit uninteresting, information. But Mike seemed normal enough, a little chatty but not in an overeager sort of way. Blossom was no longer clocking his every move and seemed to be absorbed in her friend’s latest swim team cheating scandal, until Brick reached for his water bottle and she suddenly laser-focused on his wandering hand.

Her keen attention to him was honestly flattering, if expected. It was in his nature to be noticed, and in this narrow respect she was no different from anyone else whose head he turned. If she chose to feed her interest with the flames of suspicion, then it was no difference to him.

But if she was anything like him—and on a chemical level she was probably the closest to him that a person could get—he suspected it took tremendous effort to hold her full and sustained attention. The world they inhabited was as vapid and mundane as the humans that surrounded them, and even the most gracious of gods grew bored of worship. Which explained all the smiting and fucking and generational curses upon entire households in everything from Greek mythology to the Old Testament.

Brick was pretty deep into a fantasy of Blossom going full Ixion and the Wheel on the swim team when Mike tapped his shoulder. “You ready to go?”

It took him a moment to realize the bell had rung and he had a class to get to—AP U.S. History with Mike, apparently. Brick gathered his tray and his bag and followed Mike. When he looked back at the table, Blossom was already gone.

xxx

That whole first week was painfully boring. No one bullied him, or pranked him, or picked a fight with him, of course. But no one really approached him, either. His brothers were more determined to make an effort. Boomer announced he was trying out for the soccer team because there was no rule saying a Super with extremely well documented ties to active criminals and the forces of Hell couldn’t kick a ball around a field. Butch had gotten himself invited to a midnight screening of Snakes on a Plane in some rich kid’s home movie theater, but only after that same kid had accidentally spilled milk on Butch and burst into tears in front of a cafeteria full of Juniors and Seniors. Brick declined the invitation Butch extended to him. He had that AP U.S. History exam to study for on Friday, anyway.

He shared all of his classes with Blossom. Even in the classes where her assigned seat was behind his and he couldn’t see her, he could feel her lobotomizing stare at the back of his head whenever she glanced up from her notebook. And while Mike’s notes were perfectly adequate and the friendly gesture counted for more than the content (a gesture Brick would not soon forget), there was a far more efficient way to accomplish his goal of murdering the class averages while also taking the edge off his loner doldrums.

“Can I borrow your class notes?”

Blossom rose from her seat and pulled her hair tie out to re-do her extremely long ponytail. She held the elastic between her teeth as she worked. Her teeth were very straight, he noticed. Some pretty nice girl-teeth, generally speaking.

“Which class?”

“All of them.”

He watched her wind the elastic around her hair with quick, adroit fingers. “That’s a lot of notes.”

“You’re the top of every class. No point in asking anyone else.”

She moved toward the hall. He followed her out. “Why would I help you?”

A legitimate question delivered without venom. Unlike her sister Buttercup, who’d “run into” Brick after school on Monday and told him to watch his back, Blossom didn’t have to do anything but maintain a general proximity to make her superiority complex known. Which was the kind of flex he could fuck with.

“Isn’t helping people sort of your mandate?”

They had arrived at her locker, which she opened with enough force to rattle the hinges. “I help the helpless. Are you helpless, Brick?”

Brick smiled at her baiting. Had she ever actually said his name at a normal volume before? It sounded good even in her baseline bitch timbre. “Critically helpless. I’m the new student who transferred in the middle of the semester, and you’re the only person who knows me.”

A couple other students clearly trying to get to the lockers Brick was blocking hovered just out of reach. They whispered to each other, but neither of them actually worked up the courage to ask Brick to move. He ignored them.

Blossom rummaged in her locker for the binder she would need for the next class. “Make friends.”

“Working on it.”

The locker door slammed and she faced him. There was something confrontational in the way she held herself before him that kicked him in the nuts back in time thirteen years to their more uncouth days when all he wanted to do was destroy her so he’d be the only one. Now they were older and wiser and he actually did need her notes to study, so destroying her was not high on his list of priorities.

“You want to be my friend.”

“We have so much in common.”

“So do lions and hyenas.”

“Both are apex predators, so.”

She took a step closer and peered up at him. Brick did not move, although he wondered what was so interesting about his face. She probably just thought he was hot. She was probably as bored as he was. She probably—

“You have lettuce in your teeth.”

Brick pulled back and covered his mouth on instinct. God fucking damnit.

Blossom was already walking away from him by the time he’d picked the food from his teeth. “I’ll expect my notes back in mint condition before first period tomorrow morning.”

Brick pressed a fist against the lockers and quietly fumed. “Dumbass…”

“Um, sorry, but do you mind…?”

The student who’d been waiting for her locker space to clear up had her palms up as if to assuage a feral stray. Brick pushed off the lockers, but his fist left a dent where he’d unleashed some of his impotent self-pity. He looked back at the girl, and she shook her head.

“It’s fine! It, uh, it happens sometimes.” She pointed a couple lockers down to Blossom’s, which was dinged up worse than the others.

Brick stared at Blossom’s locker, and then back at the girl. Her narrow, dark eyes were wide, but not out of fear. She was waiting for something, and like an idiot it took him a moment to catch up. “You’re trying to make me feel better about fucking up your locker.”

She laughed nervously. “I mean, it’s really fine! You just looked so miserable for a second there, and I just thought…”

Great, he was moping so hard he had an audience.

The five minute warning bell rang, and a flood of students rushed past them on their way to fourth period. Brick stepped aside so the girl could get to her locker.

“Hey, you’re the new guy, right?”

The new guy, yeah. How quaint. Except, she was waiting for a response, which wasn’t the absolute worst thing that had happened to him all week.

“Brick,” he said. But of course, she already knew that, and she was just being nice.

“I’m Kim. Kim Chan.”

“Okay.” He didn’t have anything else to say to her, so he decided to get his shit and get to his next class.

“Welcome back to Townsville, Brick.”

Brick shoved his hands in his pockets and stalked off. It didn’t occur to him until later that Kim was the first and only person who had properly welcomed him back home.

[harrylilies]

The Royal Series | Pt. III

The Royal Series Masterlist

---

"Care to tell me what's on your mind?" Harry asked softly as you sat on his kitchen counter while he made pancakes for a late-night snack, something your nutritionist would've scolded you for. "What happened?"

You stopped swinging your dangling feet, your eyes fixated on the floor. "Had a fight with Granny."

"The Queen?" Harry whispered reluctantly.

You nodded. "We call her Granny,” you said, “Look, Harry," gulping, you looked up at him, "I don't know your intentions and I don't know what the future holds but," you paused, "But I, you know," you shrugged, watching Harry raise an eyebrow at you, egging you to say it.

"You know," Your hands were wild as you spoke, body temperature hot enough to have you fidgeting.

"I really don't." He chuckled.

You groaned, letting your hands fall on your lap. "I like you, alright?!" Harry grinned, turning the stove off before crossing his arms across his chest, facing you.

"And it's so crazy, it feels like that cartoon movie, Frozen, is it? But I feel like I've known you for so long. I've never," you paused again before slumping and letting out a chuckle, "I've never been on a date with someone who didn't talk about my status or family the entire date and you didn't do it all 4 times. I won't blame you if you run off, it's a heavy baggage and now I'm rambling about me liking you and I know I'm going to regret this moment in a few hours bu-"

With his hands cupping your cheeks, Harry interrupted you with his lips on yours. You were still for a moment before allowing yourself to get completely lost into the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck as his were around your waist.

It wasn't until you both needed to breath did you pull away. "My intentions are good." He whispered, slowly opening his eyes.

You nodded, a faint smile on your lips. "Good."

"And I like you, too."

You bit your lip to contain the wide grin, "Good."

"Just good?" He chuckled, leaning down to peck your lips one more time.

"I mean, you're alright." You joked, leaning back to look at him.

Harry rolled his eyes, chuckling nonetheless.

He looked down, before sighing and picking his head up. "So, what now?"

"What?" You asked him quietly.

"What do I do to be with you? What do I need to do to have you?" He asked gently, intently staring into your eyes.

Your breath hitched in your throat for a second. Soothingly, you let your hand rest on his cheek. "Nothing," you shook your head. "Just want you as who you are, nothing else."

"But your famil-"

"Will understand." You finished for him. "We're not going to rush anything, alright? I'll let you think. I know, Harry," You nodded with a smile. "I know how hard this is."

And the kiss you both then shared was all the assurance each of you needed.

---

"I'm tired." You groaned, resting your head on the couch beside Meghan, who was soon to be your sister-in-law.

"Oh, hush. You've been picking flowers with us only for 2 hours." She laughed.

"Who picks flowers for 2 hours? They're flowers! All flowers are beautiful." You said, looking at her with your eyebrows raised.

"Not my fault your family's uptight." She said quietly under her breath, raising her eyebrow at you.

"It's your wedding, Markle. Do whatever you want."

"If it weren't for your brother, I probably would've ended up marrying you." She joked, letting her head fall on your shoulder with a tired sigh.

"No, you're too old for me."

She laughed, swatting your arm.

"My gals!" You heard your brother, Har's voice, seeing him enter the room with a grin on his face, his hair tousled on his head. "How was it?" He asked, leaning down to peck Meghan's lips and to press a kiss on the top of your head. "Thank you for helping her, Tiny."

You smiled up at him, "Only helping because I love her."

"Love you, too, baby sis." Meghan dramatically threw her arms around you, squishing you in a hug, making you laugh.

"Any updates?" Your brother asked as he sat on the chair in front of you.

"About?"

"The lad you decided to like who also shares the same name as yours truly. Short hair, green eyes, tall, sings, ca-"

"Woah there, fanboy. Someone did their research." You laughed, eyebrows going up.

"Have to," he shrugged. "Now, answer me, will you?"

"We're taking it slow. Told him to think, let it sink in a couple of days ago. It's a heavy baggage. You'd know." You said, looking at Meghan who nodded.

"It is heavy but if it's meant to be, it falls into place." She assured you, looking at Harry for a moment.

Har nodded, "You're doing it right, Tiny. Granny loves you; she'll learn to accept your choices. She just wants to cling to what she had to do when she was your age, and with Will and I not marrying someone from royal blood or whatever the fuck she calls it, it’s just some added pressure on you. She'll come along."

You sighed, nodding. "I hope so."

---

"Charity conference?" You asked you assistant as you took off your earrings.

"Done." She confirmed, tapping on her iPad.

"The dinner meeting?"

"Done."

"Do I have anything else planned for tonight?" You asked her, turning around and facing her.

"No, you're free for the rest of the night and tomorrow morning. You have dinner with your siblings and Prince Charles tomorrow at 7."

You nodded, "I remember. Thank you so much, Em." You smiled at her, patting her shoulder, "Don't know what I'd do without you."

"Be so lost that you’d be a disgrace of the family?" She giggled, shrugging.

"True." You pointed at her, “But I think I’m already working on that.”

You and Emilie go 4 years back.

She was 22 when she got the job as your assistant and was someone whom you were comfortable around as she wasn't too formal. She was the perfect mix of professionalism and laidback and definitely saved you from embarrassment and trouble countless times.

Your phone rang on your nightstand, making you hurry towards it. You smiled, instantly answering. "Hello?"

"Think I can steal you for the night?"

You glanced at Em who had a teasing smirk on her face, watching you with her arms crossed over her chest. You blushed, turning the other way. "Think you can."

"I'll pick you up from the same place I came to on first date, is that alright?"

"It's perfect, yes."

"Wear something comfortable. I'll see you in 20, love."

"See you." You hung up, looking back at Em, "Stop looking at me like that, you doughnut."

"I'm not looking at you like anything." She shrugged, "In fact I won't look at you like anything at all, I'll just leave."

"I hate you sometimes." You laughed, throwing your fluffed pillow at her, making her laugh and blow you a sarcastic kiss.

You wore your former university's crewneck sweatshirt and leggings before putting on your converse. You took your hair out of the fancy bun it was in, letting it into waves.

A knock startled you, making you face your bedroom door. "Come in!"

The door opened and in came your father, Prince Charles. "Oh, you're going somewhere?"

"I'm just meeting someone, Pa. Is everything alright?" You asked, using the name you loved to use to call him instead of the “daddy” you were raised to say.

He smiled, nodding. "I just wanted to check on you before leaving."

You tilted your head, smiling. "Is that really why?"

He chuckled, shaking his head and pointing his finger at you. "Smart like your mother."

You chuckled softly, your eyes falling to the ground. He took your hand softly in his, sitting you both down on the sofa. "I heard about him."

You let out a quiet groan — something you've been doing for a while now. "Granny?"

He nodded. "She told me how this isn't good for you and for the image.” When you remained quiet, he continued, "Want to know what I said?"

You looked at him and nodded, your heart thumping in your chest.

"Told her you should control your own life."

You smiled, wrapping your arms around him. "Thank you so much, Pa."

"Whether this is long-term or not, I want you to experience life on your own, darling. I want you to experience everything and try. I don't want you to look back at your life and frown." He rubbed your back soothingly, talking gently. "And I don't just mean the young man you're seeing, I mean your whole life. Make mistakes, so what? As long as you survive and know how to handle it, then do it."

You nuzzled your face in his shoulder, squeezing him. "I love you, Pa."

"I love you, too, darling. Now go, I believe you have somewhere to be." He pulled back, giving you a smile. With a kiss to his cheek, you scurried off.

---

What you hadn’t expected, was seeing Harry leaning against a red pickup truck as you got out of the car.

“What is this?” You asked warily with excitement.

“Rented this baby for the night.”

"Are you for real?" You grinned, looking at the in front of you with Harry leaning on the passenger door, a bashful smile on his face. "That's not it." He said, reaching out with his hand, letting you put your hand in his and follow him where he stopped in front of the cargo bed, making you see the duvet covering it and about 10 pillows to make it comfortable. "The stars look great tonight and I figured we can watch them. Together."

You let out a laugh, looking at him in pure amusement. "Then let's star gaze."

Holding your hand in his and helping you inside the truck, he pecked your lips quickly before shutting the door and making his way towards the driver's seat. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere where your guards won't look at me like I'm stabbing you." Harry chuckled, driving off.

None of you were sure when or how, it might have happened after you accidentally switched to a children radio station, but you and Harry were singing lullabies as he drove.

"Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock," You and Harry sang quietly, your hand out of the window as you drove down the road.

"When the bough breaks," Harry sang.

"The cradle will fall," You motioned with your hands as if something was falling.

"And down will come baby, cradle and all." You both sang, giggling as you finished.

Down a dirt-road, Harry stopped the truck.

Right as you were about to open the door, Harry beat you to it, opening it and holding his palm out for you to take. You both walked to the back of the truck, Harry’s hands on your waist as he helped you up.

He jumped in, making sure you were comfortable and had enough pillows before he lied on his back, you mirroring him as he put a blanket on top of you. You smiled, looking at the sky in front of you.

"The stars do look wonderful." You whispered, tilting your head towards him.

Harry didn't reply, only grazing your hand with his. "I thought about it."

You turned your face towards him, your eyes skimming over his features, knowing what he was talking about. "Yeah?"

Harry looked back at you, his fingers moving to intertwine yours. "I'm willing to take the risk, Y/N."

You grinned, sitting up and leaning on your elbow. "You know you can tell me you don't want to do this, right? I'd understand."

He chuckled, rolling his eyes at you before leaning on his elbow, his face close to yours. "Y/N," Harry let out a laugh, raising his eyebrows, "I literally just told you I want to do this. I want to be with you."

You let out a breath, slumping down, resting your head on the pillow with a dumbfound smile. Harry's dimples were seen as he smiled, looking down at you.

"I'll do my best, Y/N." He whispered.

Looking into Harry's green eyes, you replied, "And that's all that matters."

Harry leaned down, capturing your lips with his. "I'm traveling in a couple of days."

"Way to ruin the mood, Styles."

Harry laughed, throwing his head back. "I'm sorry, I had to. I still have to finish my tour." His hand found your cheek, seeming to not know how to stop himself from caressing your skin softly.

"How long will you be gone?"

"2 weeks before I'm back again for a week."

"Think we can make the most of these two days?" You asked, your face leaning against his palm.

"Think we can." Was what he said before pressing his lips against yours.

---

"The plane goes," you dragged before picking Charlotte up and spinning her, "Whoooosh!"

She laughed excitedly as you let her down on her feet. "Again, Titi, again!"

Titi was Charlotte's way of saying "auntie", something that had the entire family swooning.

"You'll get dizzy, love. Let's sit down for a bit, alright?" You sat on the grass, Charlotte plopping on your lap. "Oof!" You joked, lying on your back with your arms spread, making her laugh.

"Titi! Up! Wake up!" She lied on your chest, making you wrap your arms around her.

You opened your eyes, seeing her face close to yours, your noses almost touching. "Where's your brother?"

"Which one?"

"Smart girl." You chuckled.

"Auntie!" You heard your other favourite voice, making you look towards the voice.

"There's my Prince!" You grinned, watching George run towards you with a grin, William behind him.

George fell in your arms, wrapping his small arm on his sister who rested her head on your chest. "How was the meeting?" You asked your brother, squinting your eyes as you looked at him.

"Eventful. I'm glad it's done." He sat down on the grass beside you, his legs in front of him as he leaned on his palms. "How was your little night getaway, Juliet?" He teased you.

"What's with everyone teasing me?" You furrowed your eyebrows, looking at your nephew and niece, "Papa isn't being nice, bubs."

"Papa!" They both scolded, raising their heads and looking at him.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." He raised one hand up defensively, making you laugh.

"To answer your question, it was nice." You smiled at him before looking at George and Charlotte who were playing with the tassel in your blouse.

"Did you both talk?"

You nodded, "We did. Gave him a couple of days to think and grasp everything."

"From what I read about him, h-"

"Please tell me you didn't actually do that, Will." You laughed, shaking your head at him.

"Of course, I did!" He replied instantly, "Let me finish, will you? As I was saying, from what I read, he seems decent. Kind lad."

"He is, Will. He's," You paused, looking for the right word. "He feels so real, you know? Like he's effortless. He's easy to be around and you wouldn't question him. He's not- not fishy, you know? Fake in other words."

"All that you knew from what? A month?" William smiled, letting his hand stroke your hair.

You nodded, "Isn't hard to pick up."

"I support you, Tiny. As long as you keep looking after my children while I treat their mother." He joked, ruffling your hair.

"Disgusting. I think 3 is enough."

"I didn't mean it like that!" He laughed, "When did you become so vulgar?"

"When you left me with George 4 years ago and now look, he's not your only child."

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

16 fe bru ar y 2023 11:34 pm pdt

does anyone know what happened after Judy garland sang haaleluah come on get happy ... it’s judgement day..? Bcz I don’t know. 😞

sometime in the last 2 hours I thought I felt something big fluffy at the back of my mouth. If incubus is stuffing cotton or similar fluffy objects down my throat I’m going to guess that I might need surgery Bcz if that. & if I need surgery I’m going to call it quits meaning assisted suicide. And that someone told me he thought god was clearing out old people. 😞😤🥵😖😭😤🥵💱 incubus made me touch that last emoji. He is not denying it. I have not seen black Adam movie 🎥 w/ Dwayne Johnson but I guessing that was meant to brain 🧠 wash people. Why you think 🤔 so many people died of Covid & then a lot of shootings happened? El hefe? Restaurant article on the rape case I have not found further news 📰 of the rapist being found. Did I interpret it correctly that they still don’t know his identity? Incubus is full of “bullshit, bullshit, bullshit” I’m putting it in quotes Bcz I remember a tweet 🐣 of his saying everything that comes out of his mouth 👄 is bullshit x3? 12:45 pmpdt he’s heating up my body too hot 🥵 that I feel nauseous & my face is dry & wrinkling. He also put dirt in my bed 🛌 & on my bathtub 🛁 Bcz he’s calling me dirty. You’re the dirtiest incubus. You think 20 year old women are really going to like you? You’re crazy. Especially when you are demon angels making people crazy & raping 11 year old girls & giving them all sorts of disorders & gaslighting them. ⛽️ you think people are going to want to worship a dirty old man like you???? If anymore crap happens to me, if you double cross me you think that will win you an award? 🥇 popularity contest? Abuse. No one should trust this jerk. I bet everyone who died if Covid is really dead ☠️ & he has liars & actors doing shit for him. 22:53 11:52 on pm pdt you have not proven anything to me. 21:53 11:53 pm pdt & I had faith that the person I saw bite the other person would stop 🛑 if s/he was told to Bcz s/he never bit me. You make every one crazy. You want me to believe we’re friends maybe you should have practiced treating me like a friend, bad ass jerk. 11:55 pmpdt not 11:44.

12:02 am pdt he probably never saved Jesus Christ. He probably conned him. He lies. & he has dirty ads (12:05 am pdt 12:06 ass) liars lying 🤥 for him. He’s trying to make me crazy. 12:03 am pdt I don’t trust you stop 🛑 trying to pull me back in. 12:03 am pdt earlier he stabbed into my cheek bone 🦴 as a sign 🪧 that I’m cheeky. & it was after thinking all the thoughts I wrote above. 12:07 am pdt also I’m not sure 🤔 if Scott photoshopped his videos & pictures Bcz I thought his nose 👃 was a little different. 12:08 am pdt

12:09 am pdt

12:11 am pdt I cannot upload a picture.

12:12 am pdt yup.

12:16 am pdt I also had a learning disability & u bashed me head into very hard things & I felt like a weirdo. Why do I have so many sexy bot 🤖 girl looking subscribers? I hope not all the viewers are bots 🤖. The person who bit first wasn’t covered in bruises & she seemed otherwise happy & content. Incubus likes to possess people & cause trouble 👿. 12:20 am pdt I don’t like you incubus. You already showed me you don’t like me before 2006, back in blossom hill & you’re killing my body with heat. 12:22 am pdt this is too much. I hate you incubus. 12:22 am pdt you don’t like me Bcz I don’t think correctly Bcz you bashed in my head. It’s already small, why don’t you pick on a short person with a big head. I don’t have that much brain 🧠 to spare. 12:24 am pdt I once saw a car 🚗 that looked 👀 like incubus old black sporty probably cheaper car. It had plastic bright orange decorative sting 🦂 he’s threatening to sting me you should have thought of that b4 burning 🔥 me & mashing my brain 🧠 not allowing to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ more than one breath b4 heating me up again. You’re seriously that fucked up one Bcz garrido had a motorcycle accident & I guess no doctor 👨‍⚕️ cared to heal his head. You manipulated every one including garrido it sounds. You wanted it to happen you devised it to happen so more people would have more jobs? Sick. You’re a sick creature. 12:31 am pdt at least the person I had faith in showed some capacity to make a lot of decisions that helped take care of the other person. Yeah, it wasn’t good but the other person bit her first & it seemed like it would only be a one time thing if s/he was advised to stop 🛑. 12:34 am pdt

maybe it was stupid of me to give the benefit of the doubt. But I had problems, too. Maybe stupidity problems. 12:35 am pdt

12:39 am pdt it took me a while to realize my mistake. I had too much faith in the other person that things would be ok. I guess now I see the error of my ways⬅️👁‍🗨. Happy incubus? What does those emojis mean? I didn’t intend to touch those. 12:41 am pdt

incubus deleted a lot of my pictures that probably had a picture of that car 🚗. 12:47 am pdt I remember back in 2017 probably to toy 🧸 with me he sold that car 🚗 that looked like that car I think 🤔 & a carera? Car 🚗 unless my memory is really messed up & it’s actually the same car 🚗 I remember it being more angular? Not curvy? 12:50 am pdt future feels grim & unromantic. Incubus introduced me to the part of the world 🌎 I didn’t pay much attention to before, when his cheating scandals came out (#3 ready 😞😖😭😤🥵😫😠😤😠) seems si dirty & lecherous. Creepy he has become to me. 12:53 am pdt I don’t see him the same way anymore. 12:54 am pdt

Is this what people mean when they say cringe 😬???? 12:54 am pdt 12:55 am

1:15 am pdt orange plastic rings on the hubcaps when I saw it in blossom hill when I was a teenager. When I saw 👀 incubus’ car 🚗 I think I saw hot pink plastic rings on the hubcaps in the online pictures. 1:16 am pdt

1:19 am pdt I remember standing next to the car 🚗 it had tinted windows 🪟 & I remember starting to feel fear. If it was the incubus’ car 🚗 he was probably messing with me to make me feel anxious. Something about tinted windows 🪟 scares me 😱. 1:21 am pdt

1:37 am pdt incubus hates me he’s burning me too much. I am tired of coughing & not being able to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️. The hospital 🏥 doesn’t care or want to help me. 1:38 am pdt I ve read articles online from 2010 about an advertiser who had similar/same symptoms & they were apathetic, too. 1:40 am pdt I remember being very nice to them yet they don’t care 🤷🏻‍♀️. 1:40 am pdt I’ve been putting up with a lot of abuse. At first I thought maybe I deserve it? Bc in usually critical? & then I thought I didn’t, & now I’m back to thinking 🤔 I do. There were some things I didn’t think enough I guess. My aunt believes in god a lot for years. But god still wanted to punch me again. 1:43 am pdt my aunt gives my cousin a lot. When she was 9 years old she wanted purple hair and she got it for Halloween 👻. My mom gave her the wrong shampoo 🧴 & it washed out of her beautiful long thick black hair. She like nicki Minaj. I think 🤔 my aunt even got her the teen/young women’s platform boots 👢 for her Halloween costume Bcz she had big enough feet to wear women’s sizes. She wanted padded push up bra & a teen Halloween costume that her classmate told her she looked like a whore, but I didn’t see her in the costume. I think I might have saw the boots 👢 & the plastic package for the costume. 1:48 am pdt she was a very talkative girl & she danced & played video games & I let her watch YouTube. Yeah I think I was stupid back then I’m remembering somethimg I did that I wouldn’t do now & I want to smack myself in the face for doing it. 1:50 am pdt

1:53 am pdt incubus sometimes will tell you things he thinks you want to hear 👂. At this point I don’t believe him. 1:54 am pdt too much oppressive killer heat. 1:55 am pdt

2:17 am pdt I remember my cousin cried when the hair dye washed out. I learned recently that my cousin has been lying 🤥 about how she felt about me for years. She told me I guess what she thought I wanted to hear 👂 along with tears 😭 over the phone ☎️ but I was very surprised about the tears 😭 Bcz she seemed to avoid me for years & last month she called me a bitch & said she didn’t owe me anything even though she punched me in the head & my aunt sides with her. She only came over 2 times to help me a little. & then we only saw each other for birthdays usually. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t think it was frequent. & I had a lot of difficulties & felt ignored by everyone w/ very little help occasionally. Texts from the start were usually to tell me I’m a brat, & crazy/schizo. Maybe I am crazy? But I had some stuff happened to me & no one wanted to hear it for years. Why I feel selfish & wicked to write this? Even though I might have a killer gaslighting stalker who likes to lie about his age & tried to lure teen girls to see him even if he had to buy them a plane ✈️ ticket 🎫 to do so? I’m cursed. By the demon lord incubus rapist lecherous creepy cringe murderer. 2:27 am pdt

2:34 am pdt my cousin when she (head hot 🥵 2:35 am pdt) she had came over when she was 9 years old sided with her dad & said that her mom messed up everything by bringing them back to California/ leaving Missouri. She had a little dog 🐶 & a yard to run 🏃🏻‍♀️ & play in at the house 🏠 & even her mom agreed that they were fine there. It seems my cousin was very happy in Missouri. She also got to play a lot I think, at her moms clients house 🏠 of a rich old man who lived in a nice neighborhood. I visited once & she seemed happy playing with a classsmate. 2:39 am pdt when we lived together in 2015 I usually let her do what she wanted which was to hang out by herself in her bedroom & she’d usually take a box 📦 of food & probably ate the whole box at once by herself. Her dad told her he didn’t want her to be a kid so he showed her cartoons like family guy. I put protective child settings on the cable tv 📺 & she said there aren’t any children here. I didn’t realize she was 12 going on 13. Something about the way she talked I thought she was still 11? I guess she was right. Maybe 🤔 my head was more damaged than I realized. 2:44 am pdt they were a little messy. She left a lot of long strands of hair all over the sink in the morning don’t remember how many times probably at least 2xs. We let them borrow a dresser & they burned a candle directly on top of it & let the wax drip 💧 on it. I think one of them

was messy w/ nail polish 💅🏼 on the table & maybe they didn’t properly use a paper towel 🧻. I advised them to paint the nails outside. When I did print making the teacher scared us about chemicals? Substances like acetone & that we needed ventilation. 2:49 am pdt but I probably advised it more Bcz of what they did to the table. Once I had a nail painting session outside. 2:50 am pdt she punched my head I thin October 2011 & I was laid off in 2012. 2:50 am pdt I guess I’m a bitch. Whatever. No one cares when I dropped fro the failed. Cherry 🍒 drop. My sister & best friend at the time watched me fall but seemed to express no concern. Same thing over & over again from my sister & mom. My aunt says the skull 💀 is very strong ����. It was still extremely painful 😖 & I wasn’t normal afterwards. A lot of people were saying I was crazy. 2:53 am pdt abdomen pain left lower side. 2:54 am pdt people are crazy & beer 🍺 is good? 🎶🎼🎵 2:54 am pdt

2:55 am pdt 2:56 am incubus, the cherry 🍒 drop was b4 fourth grade photos. Ass hole 🕳. 2:56 am pdt

5:18 am pdt I was scared 😱 when I saw 👀 the person bite the other person. Maybe 🤔 I had hoped or thought 💭 that was all that was needed. I had hoped that there would not need to be any other intervention. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have done ✅ something more. 5:21 am pdt that person is still alive today. & it took me until this morning to realize that I failed 😨 a test. 5:22 am pdt so god thought 💭 it would be good to have someone bite me. In the neck. After being (head brain 🧠 pain 5:23 am pdt) I thought 💭 I was doing something good confessing I failed 😨. I’m confused 🤷🏻‍♀️. 5:25 am pdt maybe I should have been around more to make sure that there wouldn’t need to be. I feel like our whole family is effed up 🆙 now. Bcz my youngest sister left us alone. Maybe it was too much responsibility for her to bare. Maybe 🤔 we deserved to be abandoned even though we probably needed another head around to help us. It’s okay though Bcz that’s what god wanted. I can’t fight what god wants. 5:30 🕠 am pdt

8:15 am pdt I guess I’m the devil then. My bones 🦴 degraded. I guess I’m filled w/piss & vinegar. 8:16 am pdt I wish that god would have killed me in the womb when I was a fetus or embryo. I wish I didn’t have to endure all this pain & misery. I hate myself. 8:18 am pdt

8:38 am pdt

8:51 am pdt 8:52 am remembering another bad decision.

9:43 am pdt in a class @ UCB I had issues with controlling what I said. I think I was sorta falling apart at the time? Eczema got infected & I was oozing all the time. My ear 👂 also opened at some point 946 am pdt I think I #3 now in pants 👖