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maybe it would feel more depressing to have A Slim Chance of ever having top surgery vs just assuming it could never happen, but then again like, i’d like it to happen, and even when the odds of something happening are so good it’s pretty much guaranteed, i don’t really Feel anything anyways b/c my [feeling of anticipation] shut down however many years ago.........it’s just like, well let’s assume i’d pay for it out of pocket like many of us have to.........that’s gonna be like $5k+ dollars easily most likely...........and you ask me what Positive direction (or....direction in general lbr) i could see my life going and it’s like, damn, it’s a Shrug from me, boss. the “where do you see yourself in five years? let’s write ‘dead’ and hope for the best” quote, #me, and the five years is generous. like, binch. this One thing though. there’s so few specific Wants i have for how things could go and like, can i be dead having already had top surgery and having my proper name? that’d be a start. doesn’t feel much within reach tho b/c what Does feel within reach is [..........?...............??..............nothing that wouldn’t immediately flare out and i die................?......................??..............]
#i'm well in a spot where i would just outright need Assistance and any kind of vague support to like...do things.....#just an underwhelming confluence of unhelpful factors o'er the years#the No Family bit...don't Have much rn...the kinda sitch it'd be helpful to have those ppl ur longtime somewhat close to but#b/w the isolation when ur w an abuser n the isolation when ur autistic & socializing doesn't tend to go so hot...that doesnt happen#so it's like well what could i do? i could get a bus ticket and go to a random city & be homeless n out of contact w every1 & then what#you can be all optimistic about it but i have no like...goal to be optimistic abt. i don't have particular dreams and ambitions so that's#not providing any source of endless motivation#even less helpfully i'm not even wildly interested in survival b/c for how long i've assumed i'm on the verge of kicking it & now that's#been moved back a bit like well i might not kick it right off but like. that doesn't really mean much. the perceived gap between Now & the#End is not perceived by me to contain anything in particular. i linger on as ever but like what's there to be thrilled abt in that huh#and there are many Small Things that are like; simple but they hold me back huh. the ol Anxiety that ppl keep circling back around to make#fun of like oh you people are nervous of email / calls / regular mail smh dumb nerds like well if i was rich i'd have a personal assistant &#these kinds of things would be done in a flash but when you're not rich you're just a dumb nerd. c'est la vie. actually it'd be weird to#have a personal assistant. embarrassing to ask favors. how do people do it. but anyways a lot of it's just that with No Moral Support it's v#hard to Do things sometimes. also daprrassion and lo energy b/c i last ate on the reg like. five yrs ago. i'm just floating here. maybe some#situation will drop on my lap and it'll be like aha good thing i was right here right now! i can devote myself to This. but until then just#here i guess...i am i mean. as in i am just here i guess. anyways i guess this all sounds Depressing and i guess it also Is but#it's not a special occasion...i just usually don't talk abt it cuz it's the Same Soup Different Day Just Reheated and also#it's not exciting. very boring. wish i could have top surgery and that's kinda special b/c if you put a gun to my head i could hardly tell u#what else i might even be able to bring myself to wish for. don't have things to want! it's a wild ride. weirdos who want things and know#people......good for you. genuinely tho. i am not absolutely immune to jealousy at all times but actually i v much largely am b/c that's#like how i can't feel anticipation really lmao. i do Really love to know other people are doin well.......things just havent worked out 100%#in my favor in life thus far and i'm a bit set back in many ways. smh! that's how it goes sometimes! and it bites but like. cannot Expect#more atm......will something fall out of the sky into my lap? stay tuned. i face adversitywith naps & ignore things & wait & We'll See.#but i can't and don't realistically expect things to go well / in a positive direction b/c there's not rly any factors conducive 2 that in#me life rn. for there to be any major improvement would be spontaneous and coincidental. and mayyybe it could be a long haul w/ slow improve#ment & frequent setbacks but eventually i could get where i wanna go but; i have nowhere to wanna go & no energy / motivation 4 a long haul#smh smh. again it's not even a special occasion; i'm cruisin 2day it's Normal; it just happens to Be A Bummer & i happen 2 b talking abt it#(it being: things in general)
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