#hard time drawing this but i do really like that first Naya pulling back her hair

[capnhanbers]

alphys clocks his subby bullshit from a mile away, always has always will

(art for chapter 134)

[calif0rnia-lovers]

signs of falling.

Got my feelings runnin' on a loop This ain't what I'm really used to

Title: Step #1 - Breakfast.

Request: Billy Russo’s fling realizing he’s catching feelings after he said he wouldn’t.   

Pairing: Billy Russo x Black OC

Summary: Billy Russo is known to bend the rules a time or two, but not when it involves Naya Anderson. The two met two months before Billy's last deployment. Understanding they had a short time together Naya established two strict rules. Be gone before she wakes, and no falling in love. When chance allows the two to reconnect years later, Billy finds it difficult to adhere to those rules. I mean, when was the last time he cooked a woman breakfast?

A/N: I’m trying to write outside of reader fics. There’s some smut sprinkled in with the plot...in case you’re someone who likes to skip that type of stuff. Also, I wrote this at 3am after hearing Summer Walker’s ‘Come Thru’ for the first time. It gave me major Russo vibes, tell me I’m wrong. 

Words: 4,975

gif: @jokeperaltawrites​

“Does that normally work for you?”

The soft bump against his shoulder prompts Billy Russo’s gaze to revert to the woman across him.

Ankles crossed, palms flat against the railing, Maria Castle rests against the pool table in the center of the crowded bar. It’s a rainy Friday night, and nearly half of Frank’s platoon is gathered at the bar with their significant others. They are set to ship off in two months. The women have been trying to get the families to come together as much as possible before they are to leave.  

Billy, surprisingly, does not have a date. Perhaps that is why he’s having trouble kicking Frank’s ass in the current game of pool. He doesn’t have someone to impress. Or at least that’s what Billy’s been telling himself the entire night.

Maria knew different.

She has been watching her husband’s best friend the past hour and has discovered the source of Billy’s terrible focus.

Billy blinks as he replays Maria’s question in his mind.

She has a giant grin plastered across her face. It miraculously doubles in size as Billy’s brow furrows. He lifts the beer bottle in his hand to his lips before taking a sip.

“Does what usually work?”

Billy passes Maria his bottle before rolling shoulders. He walks around the pool table, scowling at an amused Frank. Leaning over the pool table, Billy releases a deep breath before lining up his cue stick.

“Undressing women with your eyes?” Maria teases the giggle which escapes her lips prompts Billy’s focus to drift back across the crowded bar.

“Shit.”

Watching the eight ball sink into the left pocket, Billy lets his head hang as Frank’s hand claps his shoulder.

“Sure you don’t wanna quit while you have the money, Bill?” Frank chuckles as Billy sits his cue on the table.

Reclaiming his beer, Billy takes a sip before motioning in Maria’s direction.

“That last play was bullshit.” He groans before fleshing out a bill for the next round of drinks. “I can’t concentrate on the game with Maria trying to analyze me.”

“Aw, come on, Billy,” Maria teasingly tousles the raven-haired man’s hair. “We both know that’s not why you can’t concentrate.”

Billy takes another sip from his drink, his eyes drifting across the bar to a woman.

Seated across from two of her friends, she accepts the tiny shot glass offered to her. He watches, something stirring inside of him, as she sucks against the lime before chasing it with the contents of the shot glass. Billy had been aware of the caramel-skinned beauty the moment she filed into the bar an hour ago. It was hard not to focus on her beauty. It didn't help that her dress hugged each of her curves perfectly, or that she bit her lip each time she attempted to suppress her laugh.

“I wasn’t...undressing her.” But even Billy can’t allow the statement to pass without a smile forming on his lips. He chuckles, his eyes rolling at the triumphant grin on Maria’s lips. “I was just...shit. How do you get anything pass this one, Frankie?”

“I don’t,” Frank chuckles, his lips leaving a loving kiss against his wife’s cheek.

Billy’s eyes instinctively trail back to the woman who has held his attention for most of the night. Maria was quite spot on, but at this point in the evening, Billy was far past undressing the mystery woman with his eyes. He was deep in the rabbit hole. He was ‘imagining how different her giggles would sound once he was inside of her’ type of deep.

“She is pretty,” Maria smiles. “But she doesn’t strike me as the type to fall into your bed just off a few longing glances from across the bar. You might actually have to talk to her. Put that Billy Russo charm to the test.”

Billy isn’t one to back down from a challenge. In fact, his best friends are surprised he hasn’t left them to go and speak to the oblivious woman already. He shakes his head before sipping his beer.

“No,” Billy smiles before placing his drink on the edge of the table. “It’s my turn to kick Frank’s ass at pool.”

Billy manages to win two rounds against Frank, just to soften the blows to his ego, before his patience gets the best of him.

That was the first night Billy had spent with Naya, but not the last.

Billy reminisced about Naya a lot during his tour to Afghanistan. More than he cared to admit, even to Frank.

He spoke to her a few times on the phone when he was first placed. As the unit got moved around they lost contact.

When he returned from his tour Billy busied himself with Anvil. In his free time, Billy found himself at his favorite watering hole. Most nights, he took home strangers who fell in love with his wartime persona, or his glamorous new lifestyle. But he never saw the girl he was searching for.

That didn’t stop him from wishing.

Two full years pass until Billy finally gets his wish.

He spots her before she does him.

She is seated in the corner. Fresh off of work, she is listening to a co-worker who is recounting an animated story to the table of women.

Billy finds himself taking note of changes in her features. The length of her dark curls, which now fell just past her shoulders. The addition of piercings to her ears and nose.

It’s when his eyes are trained on her that Naya feels the familiar warm heat, only elicited by his gaze, begin to spread from head to toe.

Billy watches the range of emotions pass over her features once her blue eyes meet his gaze.

The recognition and shock which melds into confusion.

At first, she doesn’t move. She blinks to ensure the man didn’t merely disappear upon second glance.

Billy lifts the beer in his hand, the familiar smile on his lips pulling Naya from her stool.

They surprise each other, her arms wrapping around his neck when they meet. His body initially staggers beneath her weight, his arm securing around her waist once he can steady their bodies.

“Hi.”

Her grip is tight around him, almost too tight. But Billy doesn’t make an attempt to move away. He squeezes her waist, his smile disappears against the softness of her hair. His body relaxes against hers. Her fingers drift into the soft strands of his hair as Billy’s face burrows against the warmth of her neck. The two remain where they are, neither wanting to be the one responsible for disrupting warmth of the other’s embrace.

“If I’d known this was the response I’d get, I’d told you I was back sooner,” he chuckles against her hair.

Naya moves to take a step back, but Billy’s hand instinctively finds hers keeping her close. His eyes lower to the contrast of her hand against his.

Her gaze studies his face. She cannot detect any physical damage, but she knows that most men don’t often bring back that kind of damage where Billy's returned from. Her fingers lift to his face, the scruff along his jaw tickling her palm. Billy’s eyes raise at her touch.

“You’re okay?”

His lips draw into a smile that doesn’t quite reach his dark eyes. Billy responds by lifting her left hand from his cheek, his lips pressing a soft kiss against her knuckles.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“How long have you been back?”

The concern flooding her features causes Billy to hastily avert his gaze. “A while…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

A soft shrug rolls off his shoulders.

Billy knew she couldn’t understand. No matter how hard she wanted to. It wasn’t as though he was speaking to Maria. Naya has never been forced to receive a man altered from what he's seen at war. He wants to tell her that he's okay but not by her standards. That he's gotten a handle on the parts of him that tries to get out of control. He wants to tell her most nights he finds the need to hear her voice on the other end of his line. He wants to tell her he’d replayed every part of their months together when he was unable to fall asleep while away.

Instead of sharing what’s on his mind, Billy smiles.

“I’ve been uh...acclimating to civilian life.”

Her brow arches. "Permanent civilian life?"

"Yeah. I figured Afghanistan was my last trip around the merry go round. I’ve been busy with work. I started up a company when I got stateside. It’s a good way to keep my mind occupied.”

The soft smile on his lips grows as her eyes finish searching his face. He knows there are questions on her mind, but she doesn't ask them.

“I’m glad you’re okay, Billy.” She takes a step back, a smile on her face. Billy matches each of her steps as she drags him towards the bar. “Okay. Let me buy you a...welcome home drink.”

The moment her fingers leave him and she turns to find a seat, Billy's hands latch on her waist. His touch drifts over the curves of her hips. It burns through the fabric of her dress. The heat that spread across her skin brings a smile to her face. Billy gently tugs her body back into his.

Her hands move down to cover his, her eyes drifting shut as he let his chest press against her back. His arms wrap around her middle, his face ducking down to rest against the security of her shoulder. The scruff on his jaw brushes against her skin. He takes a deep breath, the scent of her perfume filling his lungs.

“I missed you, Naya.”

His lips press a series of soft kisses against her skin. The action pulls a giggle from her lips. Billy’s soft smirk caresses her collarbone. The warmth of his body encompasses hers. The feel of her fingers flexing against his forearms, nails pressing into his skin, encourages Billy’s lips to leave a few more kisses for good measure. He knew exactly how to get her to abandon all logic and how to get her to let him take her home. He knew which spots to kiss, where to let his hands wander, and Naya knew it. The breath she takes allows her to clear her mind.

“Easy, tiger. At least let me buy you a drink first.”

He rolls his neck, a groan of protest rumbling in Billy's chest as Naya escapes his touch to move towards the bar.

Remaining where he stands, Billy watches as she takes a seat at the bar. She leans forward grabbing the attention of the bartender.

Dragging a nearby stool from beneath the bar, Billy takes a seat alongside her. He pushes his empty beer bottle aside before, his gaze incapable of leaving her as she orders their drinks.

She settles against the bar, her focus on her fingers. Toying with the rings on her hand, she bites her lips as she tries her best to ignore the butterflies forming beneath his gaze.

His fingers brushing her cheek, tucking her hair behind her ear, before drifting to the nape of her neck.

“How have you been, Naya?”

“Good.” The soft-touch of his thumb along the curve of her jaw locks her gaze with his. Her pulse raises as a familiar Billy Russo inspired electricity spreads down her body. “Work. Home. The usual.”

“No boyfriend?”

The light rolling of her eyes spreads a grin across Billy’s face.

“What?” He chuckles as the bartender steals Naya’s attention. She lifts the glass to her lips before taking a sip, her smile hidden against the rim. “A man needs to know his competition. God knows I have some.”

“I thought Billy Russo didn’t believe in competition,” she challenges. Sliding Billy’s glass towards him, she fails to suppress the smile on her lips. It grows as his playful gaze darkens, trailing down to her lips.

“I don’t.”

His statement is a matter of fact. His gaze is shameless. His chest is met with resistance as Billy leans over to kiss her. Naya’s palm presses against his chest, the playful glint in her eyes pulling a low chuckle from him.

"What are you doing, Mr. Russo?" A giggle escapes Naya’s lips as her chair shifts.

Ignoring her question, Billy doesn’t halt his action of dragging her stool closer until she’s between his legs. His right-hand finds her thigh as he uses his left to lift his drink to his lips. His touch gently caresses her skin before drifting to the curve of her knee.

With them both seated, they are perfectly eye level. He notes the change in her posture as his touch retraces its previous path. Up the hypersensitive warmth of her thigh, his touch teasingly drifting towards her inner thigh this time around.

His tongue passes over his lips as his gaze drops to the lip she bites.

“I’m gonna finish this drink,” He spoke his voice low. He let his hand drift along the warmth of her thigh. His smile morphed into a cocky grin once her legs instinctively part as his hand drifts towards the hem of her dress. His gaze follows his hand as it disappears beneath the fabric of her dress. “Then I’m gonna take you home, and I’m gonna do every fucking thing I’ve thought about doing to you the past two years.”

They fell into a routine over the next few months.

Billy would often call when he wanted to see her. Eventually, phone calls were unnecessary. Most nights, he’d merely show up. No explanation was needed, or able to be given, his fingers in her hair and lips against hers before the door could be shut.

He’d stay until her body was spent, and she was unable to fight off the sleep her body needed to recuperate. If he drifted off, he’d wake only to bury himself deep inside of her for a softer sexual encounter before slipping out to head home. He never stayed the night. He was always gone by the time Naya rose for work.

“I’m starting to think you’re fucking a ghost,” her roommate, Ariel teases, one morning.

“Hmm?” Naya looks up from the standard morning text from Billy, a half-eaten piece of toast hanging from her mouth.

“Either he’s a ghost, or a freaking ninja, the way he sneaks out of here.” Ariel presses. “I might have to set up a camera to see what he looks like. How long has it been? Nearly six months, and I’ve yet to see the miraculous sex god that has you howling at the moon four nights out of the week-”

“I do not howl,” Naya scoffs, the heat on her cheeks causing her to get up from the island. “And it has not been four nights…”

“You’re right,” Ariel smiles as she grabs her jacket. “This week, it’s been five.”

"It has not." Blinking, Naya takes another bite of her food before looking at her roommate. “Has it?”

“It has,” Ariel groans, her hand playfully resting over her heart. “I hate to admit it, but I’m beyond the point of being jealous of you. Clearly, he can’t get enough of you either.”

Rolling her eyes, Naya takes a step towards the door. “Shut up.”

It is mid-summer, the New York heat being impossibly unbearable. Even during the early hours of the morning, it seems impossible to escape. The air condition is on full blast. The ceiling fan whirling above Naya’s bed does little to help. When she had initially fallen asleep, she’d kicked the comforter to the floor settling for her top sheet and nothing else. A thin layer of sweat still adorns her skin.

Exhaustion weighs her body down.

Her eyes remain closed, her hand blindly swiping across the bed in search of the noise that has woken her up. She releases a groan of frustration as she continues swiping until she feels the coldness of the phone against her skin. Blindly, she taps at the screen but it won’t shut off. It’s not hers, it’s Billy.

“Billy.” Her voice comes out just above a whisper. Giving up her pursuit, of silencing the alarm, she rolls onto her back.

“Hmm?”

“Get your fucking phone.”

Billy’s chuckle drifts to her in the dark. Seated on the bottom of the bed, Billy combs his fingers through his disheveled hair before shifting on the bed. Retrieving his phone, he winces as the backlight hits his eyes. Hastily silencing the phone, he tosses it towards the ground where it comes to a silent thump against his previously discarded clothes.

4 am.

He’d set the alarm the night before prior to his arrival at Naya’s place. It was meant to go off in the confines of his bedroom, not hers.

He was supposed to leave after they’d had sex. He had a meeting he was supposed to prepare for after leaving her. A very important meeting surrounding his company. He had notes to review, a presentation to check for the hundredth time. But, per usual, Billy could never leave after just one taste of her.

One led to two, two led to the shower for a cleanup, which led to Billy struggling to control his wandering hands.

He’d awaken a few minutes prior to his alarm going off. The heat was responsible for his inability to sleep.

Billy knows he needs to leave. Partially because of Naya’s stipulation.

"Don’t be here when I wake up," she’d told him that first time they’d hooked up years before life and time diverged their paths.

He also needs to leave so that he can shower and change before heading in to work.

Billy ignores the voice in his head that tells him to get off the bed and to get dressed.

He finds himself sinking back into the mattress. Shifting his body, he climbs over her. He allows the brunt of his weight to rest against his palms as he ducks down to brush his lips against her collarbone. He smiles as the kiss paints a faint smile across her lips.

“I gotta go,” he mumbles, his words muffled against the dip of her collar bone.

“Then go.” Billy’s groan fills the air as Naya’s palm presses against his face. Blocking his kiss, she pushes against his face pulling a chuckling from him. “Let me sleep. It's too fucking hot for cuddling.”

His lips leave playful nips against the inside of her wrist, the soft kisses which pepper her arm pulling a tired giggle from Naya’s lips.

“I’m not trying to cuddle,” he mumbles against her neck.

The pressure that his lips apply to her neck pull her teeth down on her bottom lip. If it were later in the day, Naya would have had the energy to scold him for the light bruises he leaves against her neck. The marks are always hard to explain away when her friends know she doesn’t have a boyfriend. When he’s satisfied with the meticulously placed marks, Billy trails down to her chest. Naya relaxes beneath his touch, her body welcoming the sensations sparked by his mouth.

He takes his time, a specialty of Billy Russo.

He kisses against the soft skin, his teeth and tongue pulling goosebumps across every inch he touches. Down her stomach. To the curves of her hips. Against the warmth of her thighs until he’s lapping against the delicate skin of her folds. He knows she’s just as insatiable as he is. That’s why he saves his teasing nature for the early hours of the morning. He draws her to her orgasm with nothing more than the softness of his tongue and lips. He doesn’t let her reach it until her fingers are tugging tight against the strands of his hair, her others clinging to the sheets for some sense of stability. He lets it fade the moment her back arches off the mattress, his chuckle lost against her skin as she groans in frustration. He’ll repeat the process over and over again until her body is unable to come back and her legs are trembling on his shoulders.

He knows she’ll get him back for it later, but he doesn’t care. He knows the orgasm that ripples through her body is the kind that drifts into her mind throughout the day when they’re apart. Anytime the fabric of her stockings or skirt brushes against her thighs all she will be able to keep in her mind is the image of him between her thighs. He knows she wouldn't dare touch herself until she's safely back in her apartment, so she'll be stuck thinking about him the entire workday.

Billy lives for that.

He leaves sloppy kisses against her skin as he climbs up her trembling body. His lips find hers his fingers buried in her hair as his weight pressed against her.

The kiss was soft. His lips brush her nose, before returning to her lips. This time his tongue brushing the curve of her bottom lip granting him access to her mouth. A soft moan slips into her mouth as her hand travels down his stomach before taking him in her hand.

His teeth tug at her bottom lip as she begins to gently stroke him. The warmth of her hand causes his hips to shift forward in an attempt to align with hers.

“You’re not slick, Mr. Russo.” Letting her free hand press against his hip, Naya giggles as she halts Billy’s movements. “I don’t appreciate being teased this early in the morning.”

“Shit.” The breathless groan that escapes Billy’s lips, as she guides his dick teasingly between her folds, would have buckled her knees if she was standing.

He tries to shift his hips forward, but the hand against his hip teasingly increases the distance from where he needs to be. Billy releases a frustrated moan against her neck, his lips leaving heated kisses against her skin as she continues her actions, his only viable sign of submission. He allows her to tease him until his fingers have left imprints against the bend of her hip. Any cocky retort a clear thinking Billy Russo could have produced is reduced to nothing but a mixture of swears and breathless groans.

“Fuck-I’ll make it up to you,” he promises. His forehead rests against hers, his right hand drifting from her cheek down to her throat. The words linger in the air, drowned out by the sigh of relief that escapes his lips as she allows him to guide himself inside of her. His muscles flex beneath her hands as he stretches her in a way that pulls a moan from both of them.

“I hope this isn’t how you’re making it up to me,” she teases, her fingers tracing down his spine.

“Part of it,” he mumbles against her lips. “Might even throw in breakfast, if you’re lucky.”

Naya giggles, her body pulling his eyes shut as it clenches around him.

“Billy Russo cooking me breakfast?” Her giggles lost against his lips. “Now that’s something I’d pay to see.”

When she woke, two hours later, Naya found herself alone in bed.

The sheets, where Billy had once lay, were ice cold against her palm. She showered, got dressed and was in the process of formulating the text to let Billy have it for leaving hickeys, that couldn't be hidden when she hears Ariel’s giggles.

Turning into the kitchen, Naya finds her roommate seated at the island, her head thrown back in laughter. The source of her laughter donned a boyish grin and Naya’s rose-covered apron.

Fully dressed, Billy stood in the center of the kitchen a spatula in hand. He wasn’t wearing the suit from the night before. Suit jacket draped over the back of the vacant stool, his sleeves are rolled up to his elbow. He certainly didn’t look a man who had just been ravished down the hall a few hours before. The kitchen rag draped over his shoulder, Billy listens as Ariel recounts a story from her and Naya’s college days.

Carefully transferring the bacon from the skillet, he turns to place it with the full spread adorning the counter when he notices Naya. The smiles that spread across his lips awakens butterflies in her stomach.

“Morning sleepy head.”

Naya steps further into the kitchen, her eyes taking in the food Ariel is happily shoveling down.

“You’re up early, Ariel,” she notes.

Ariel washes down her food with a hearty sip of coffee before smiling.

“I was wondering when I’d meet the man who sneaks out of our flat every morning. I decided to peak out when I heard him in here and found something much better. It’s not every morning you wake up to find a handsome stranger cooking a full course breakfast,” she says as Billy’s lips twitch into a smile

“I want to apologize for that,” Billy smiles as he refills her mug before passing it to her. “And for not properly introducing myself after all this time.”

“No, I understand, Naya has kept you pretty occupied,” Ariel smiles, hiding her smile in the mug when Naya shoots her a glare.

Naya rests against the counter. She watches as Billy fills a mug for her.

“What are you still doing here?”

“Keeping my promise.” Offering her the mug in his hands, Billy smiles as she meets his gaze. “Making breakfast, figured you might be hungry.”

“Breakfast…” she repeats the word softly as his hand finds her hip. He leaves a soft kiss against the warmth of her neck, the action briefly pulling her eyes shut. He steals a second kiss, this time against her lips. Her hand finds his chest as he allows his lips to linger against hers.

The urge to give him a kiss in return fades as he moves away to retrieve the carton of eggs from the fridge.

Naya’s brow furrows once she realizes half of the contents spread across the kitchen weren’t in her fridge the night before. A warmth washes over her body as Billy smiles his focus solely on her. His eyes travel over her, her teeth tugging against her bottom lip as he shamelessly admires her dress.

“So, Ms. Anderson.” Billy smiles. “How do you take ‘em?”

It’s not until he lifts the carton in his hands that Naya remembers to breathe.

“Scrambled. Hard.”

“Coming right up.”

After he’s finished cooking, Billy stays long enough to eat.

The morning conversation is mainly between him and Ariel. Naya is silent, apart from a number of giggles here and there. He finds himself stealing glances in her direction as she concentrates on eating. Her fingers toy with her hair, a soft smile finds his lips. He’d recognize her tells anywhere. He knew something was on her mind.

Finishing his last piece of bacon, Billy takes a final sip of his coffee. With a glance at his watch, he stands.

“I have to head out, but thank you for letting me stay.”

“Thank you for breakfast,” Ariel smiles before excusing herself. She turns once she reaches the hallway, waiting until Billy focuses on slipping on his jacket to throw a thumbs-up sign to Naya.

Billy glances over at Naya as she moves to rinse her plate in the kitchen sink.

Pausing alongside her, he adjusts the tie around his neck.

“Not up to your standards?” He teases, his playful nature not stopping his brain from studying her face. “It’s alright if it’s not. Go ahead lay it on me. A lifetime of criticism has left me with thick skin.”

“No,” Naya smiles as she dries her hands. “It was perfect.”

‘Okay. Well I know it wasn’t the sex…” He presses causing her smile to grow. “So what is it?��

“Hmm?”

“What’s got you biting on your lip like that?”

“I’m still wrapping my mind around you actually using my kitchen to cook.”

“If you’re lucky, it can be a new addition to our morning routine.”

His hands find her neck, tilting her head back granting him access to her lips.

The familiar electricity that took him over traveled across Billy’s body as she stood on her toes to wrap her arms around his neck.

The sound of his phone pulls them both down to earth.

“I have a meeting,” he sighs, his thumb lingering against her chin.

“Yeah.” Nodding, she smiles turning to gather her keys from the counter. Her heart struggles to calm down once she turns to find Billy hasn’t moved towards the door.

For a moment, it looks as though he’s going to say something. Instead of speaking, his eyes return to his watch before he takes a step towards the door.  

“Good luck today,” she smiles as he lets himself out.

She’s still standing where he’d last kissed her when Ariel peeks out.

Ariel steps out of the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. Resting against the doorway, she waits until the door has closed securely behind Billy to speak.

“So,” she smiles, the tone of her voice causing Naya’s eyes to roll. “That’s your mystery man, huh? Please tell me he has a brother.”

[andistillgetbutterflies]

to grief:

I haven’t written here in a while and I think it’s because I’ve felt less sad about life in general. Yea, there are still days where I feel like I’ll never find happiness, but those days don’t out number the ones where I truly feel content. That is until this week. 

I’ve loved watching glee since the beginning. The characters are the same age as me so as I went through high school, it felt like I really knew these characters and are going through it with them. At first, I really loved glee for the songs and the humour and even the teen drama that seemed so relatable yet far fetched to me. My high school had musical theatre, which I was very much involved in, and my friends and I weren’t bullied for it. In fact, we were praised. We were the cool kids and even got away with avoiding school work because the drama teacher loved us so much and would call our other teachers for us. 

Just like the glee characters, there were a lot of “incest” hookups and drama caused by who was dating who and who liked who and who kissed who. But it was a nice way to bond with people who are seniors and get invited to cool parties. 

During the time I watched glee, I realized more and more how much I enjoyed watching Santana’s character. She was witty, sarcastic, and had a no fucks given attitude that always kept her 100% real. I pride myself in trying to be as real as possible so she was definitely a character I drew towards. Throughout the years, even during the horrible season 5 and 6, I still kept up watching the show, mostly watching for Santana. I’d like to say she carried the show, but reality is I saw a lot of myself in her. The more I watched, the more I became interested in the actors. I’ve always wanted to be famous - I mean I did audition for Disney once. So I’ve found myself drawn to the actors, especially Naya Rivera who played Santana on the show. I’ve imagined ways I’d bump into the cast and how that’ll easily transition into a friendship. So I guess my imagination really brought us closer than we were. 

During COVID-19 and quarantine, I decided to rewatch glee again. The convenience of Netflix and me being laid off gave me insomnia and glee was the perfect fix. I get to sing along and relive my high school years and remember why I loved this show so much. I once again started imagining what it would be like if I moved to LA and how I’d be able to befriend them, even after all these years. My obsession came back as if no years has passed between high school and now. So when the news of Naya Rivera’s passing broke, that hit me hard. 

I’ve never understood why people mourned celebrities they’ve never met. I know people cried when Michael Jackson died or when Whitney Houston died. But I never understood it. How can you feel for someone so deeply if you’ve never met them and you don’t even know who they really are? I guess now I know how it feels.

During the days she went missing, I constantly refreshed every social media page I had and the other cast members to see if I would receive any updated news. I constantly had the gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t shake it off no matter how hard I tried. 

When the press conference finally announced they found a body in the lake and it was her, I lost sense of reality. It was like time stopped and I didn’t want to believe this was real. I constantly felt sad, and every time I refreshed my social media, someone was mourning her which made me more sad. I couldn’t control the tears that were falling down my face and I couldn't, still can’t, grasp exactly why it hit me so hard. She will always be a part of my growing up and I will forever thank her for the excitement she brought me through her character. But that’s not the only reason why I’m sad. 

I’ve always been terrified of death. When I went to church as a kid, a youth pastor pulled each of us aside and explained the concept of heaven. I broke down crying and couldn’t understand what that meant and how that was guaranteed. “Will I see my mom and dad again?”, I asked. I couldn’t fathom that this life ends and that everything I know or have will disappear and I won’t even know or feel it. So to me, everything that means ANYTHING to me at all, I try not to think about it ending. Almost like everything related to me can escape death. So when I found out about Naya, my reaction was, what do you mean she’s gone? How can she be alive yesterday and gone today? I literally just saw her Instagram story and her tweeting. I didn’t, and still don’t, quite understand it. 

As you can probably tell, I haven’t lost a lot of people in my life, or at least people I remember losing. The closest to my memory would be my aunt who was battling cancer, but I was very young and the only grief I remember having is seeing my mother in the back seat of the car bawling her eyes out after hearing a certain song on our way to go fishing. I’d never forget that look. 

And as I continued my grief, silently of course, because my Asian parents would never understand, I thought I’d reach out to my best friend. He’s very special to me and someone that I really fell in love with. The last person I ever loved til this day. We always played phone tag and would check in on each other every now and then. We would always try to be happy for each other on whatever we’re up to and try to encourage each other to chase our dreams. We’re both Gemini’s so we’re ambitious like that. To my surprise, he responded “who is this”. This never happens, because he usually says its him and he knows my number since I haven’t changed it since 2012. That’s when I get a call from him. 

I was hesitant to answer at first because I was nervous. I always got nervous around him, even after all these years. But when I picked up, a woman answered. To be honest, I thought it was his girlfriend and she didn't want me messaging him. He always had a lot of girlfriends, some were crazier than others so I wasn’t too surprised. But, it wasn’t. I wish it was a crazy girlfriend. Instead, it was his mom. 

His mom remembered my name, I even met her once. I was happy to hear that he talked about me to her because it shows that I meant something to him. But I cannot believe what she said next.

“Carter passed away on July 3, we actually had a funeral last Thursday.”

What. The. Fuck. 

As I continue to stutter and apologize for having to put his mom in this situation, I can’t help but wonder what happened. So as I tiptoed around the subject I finally asked, “was it sudden?”

“He killed himself. I try to be honest about it. I don’t know if he told you about his mental health problems, but he’s been sad for a long time.”

I knew about his depression and mental health struggles. I knew that he had a rough childhood and he resented his dad for leaving him. He fought with his mom all the time, and she kicked him out on multiple occasions. But he found love from his grandparents, which are who he stayed with most of the time. I knew all this, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten. I wish I had. 

Ever since we were kids, I’ve always tried to be a good influence to him. I even tried to convince him to come to summer school with me, which let’s be honest, he barely showed up for school during the year and that was mandatory so why would he ever go to summer school. But he entertained the idea for me, like he always did with everything I suggested. I guess he didn’t want to disappoint me. And as we grew up and grew apart, mostly because he moved and changed schools a million times and I went off to University in a different province, we still kept in touch. He has always struggled with finding a passion and what he wanted to do with his life. First he wanted to make music, which he did for a while, then he turned to art. I thought this would be his biggest break through, his art was amazing. I suggested he should be a tattoo artist since he loved tattoos and is clearly good at drawing. So when we chatted back in March of 2019, he had let me know he is restructuring himself and even went to an open house at OCAD and centennial to enrol if he doesn’t hear back from a tattoo apprenticeship. Then December 2019 came around and he let me know he was in a transitional phase with his art and might want to go into animation so he could work from home. He even suggested he’d come visit me in Montreal. I know he never would, but just the fact that he suggested made me so happy. We even tried to make plans to meet up, I really wish I had pressed him for these plans because maybe he needed to see me for a reason. 

Nothing until now had been a red flag for me. I tried to always be positive and whatever dream he was chasing after next, I tried to be supportive and reaffirm that he did have talent and he will figure it out. But in February, his art on Instagram had taken a darker turn. I didn’t notice at first because he posted sporadically and also the Instagram algorithm only gives you a piece a time so if you didn’t go on his profile you wouldn't see the full picture. But his Instagram story caught my eye. It was a post along the lines of if he died, no one would even care. I immediately messaged him letting him know I would. He said thank you and quickly changed the topic to visiting me again in Montreal. I should’ve said something more. I should've called him because he clearly wasn’t being honest. 

When I moved back home this summer thanks to COVID, something inside of me kept telling me to text him. If only I had texted him a couple of weeks earlier. If only I had reached out to him then. Maybe, this would’ve changed everything.

I always thought we would’ve found our way back into each others lives. I’ve played over a million scenarios in my head of how we’d be as close as we were back in high school. I even imagined the day I had the guts to tell him how much I’ve loved him and how long I loved him for. But now I’ll never get the chance. 

I wish he saw how much he meant to me. How I’d smile when I see his name come up on my blackberry messenger with an incoming text. Or when he’d call me babe even though we weren’t dating. A friend who read over my shoulder used to laugh at me because the way we texted sounded cheesier and more in a relationship than my friend and her actual boyfriend. He always thought he was a ball of darkness, but he never knew how much light he brought into my life. To me, he’ll always be that kid we spent hours in Toys R Us sitting in children couches, hiding from the staff and talking about life. The goofy guy who photobombed a family at the CNE, and when the family saw, they just laughed because that’s just how charming he was. The guy who my parents picked up from his house to drive us to the movies and they even caught us, you behind me with your arms around me while we waited to be picked up (my mother immediately decided to have the birds and the bees talk with me the next day at a Swiss Chalet, thanks for that). And as we got older, we promised to marry each other if we were still single by 30, it was one of those promises we made to each other prompted by a silly rom com. But he didn’t even hesitate. He even agreed to have a skydiving wedding with me and say “I Do” in the air. He was the first person I told about this crazy sky diving onto an island wedding idea and like always, supported me even when I’m out of my mind. To me, he was perfect. 

Right from the beginning he said to me “don’t fall in love with me”, at the time he had a few unfaithful relationships and a few toxic ones. He thought he wasn’t worth me loving him because he would ruin everything. 

Well Carter Avery Benitez, from the day I stalked your Facebook after only meeting you for an evening at your ex girlfriends house and messaged you, desperately wanting to get to know you, there was no way I wouldn’t fall in love with you. You’ll always have a special place in my heart. June 13, 1994 - July 3, 2020, rest in paradise my love. 

[rwybstory]

Bad Words

“We’re back with Adrianna and Mackenzie Guerrilla!” Ellen speaks into the camera while the audience claps; the two women smiling on the couch next to the host. “So, let’s talk about the family. You two are getting quite the Brady Bunch.”

The wives and the audience both laugh, but soon turn into ‘awe’s as the large screen behind them shows a picture of the whole family from a couple weeks prior.

“Look at our babies.” Adrianna beams.

“We definitely make some good looking kids.” Mackenzie laughs and Adrianna can’t help, but to kiss her wife. She’s so proud of how far they’ve come.

“So, how is everything going? You guys have, what, twenty kids now?”

“Nooo,” Kenz draws out. “We have six. Autumn June, Conner James, Anya Janae, Radley Joel, and the newest two: Olive Joy and Brock Jaxon. Who are respectively, now, eleven, ten, four, and the babies will be two next month.”

“Wow! And how do you two manage that at the young age of eighteen?”

“Oh wow!” Ade fakes surprise. “I wish we were still eighteen, but thanks for that compliment!”

“I’m just kidding, but honestly, they might look young, but that’s because they really are. How old are you both?”

“A lady never tells her age, Ellen.” Mackenzie winks.

“But her wife does.” Adrianna finished to a laugh from the audience and the host. “Kenz is turning thirty next month and I am thirty-one.”

Some of the audience gasp, but most clap and whistle for the two guests.

“So, how big is your whole family now? I know both your families are extremely close.”

“Umm..” Adrianna starts naming people while Mackenzie ticks off, “There’s the eight of us. My parents, her parents, Naya and Heather makes five, Mychal and Lea make four, Miguel and Alison are three, Carlos and Holly will be four once the twins are born, Nickayla and Brent, and Lilly and Becca, so…”

“Thirty-two people is a normal family dinner for us.” Mackenzie laughs because it’s just normal to her, but she’s never actually counted everyone out before and it’s a huge number.

“So, do your kids help? Like, when you have a family gathering. I’d imagine they help.”

“Definitely,” Adrianna starts. “Autumn, our oldest, gets her OCD from Mackenzie and so the two of them are usually in charge of cleaning. They’ll usually recruit Radley and the babies.”

“Really? Not Conner or Anya.”

Mackenzie laughs. “Oh, no.. they get their cleaning skills from their mama which is ‘we’ll just wait until the last minute to clean.’ They know that doesn’t fly with me. Radley will usually help Autumn cleaning up the toy room and living room. The babies help me in the nursery and our bedroom and bathroom.”

“You’re telling me two year olds help you clean..” Ellen gives a non-believing look.

“Yes!” Mackenzie defends herself as Adrianna and the audience laugh.

“Honestly, Ellen, if I didn’t see it myself, I would think she’s lying too, but they help her dust, they help with laundry, they sweep the floors. Obviously, we’re not saying things are perfect, but it gets them doing something other than sitting in front of an electronic.”

“What are Conner and Anya doing when all this is going on?”

“They’re with Ade in the kitchen. The three of them love cooking and dishes are something they all willingly clean.”

“Nice! Backing up a little.. you two have always been pretty vocal about children and electronics and you’ve written multiple children's books, some on the topic of electronics. Why don’t we talk more about that?”

The two women look at each other to silently determine who would talk. Adrianna let’s Mackenzie.

“I mean, it’s kind of public knowledge now about how I grew up and was raised. My parents weren’t around a lot and I had kind of a revolving door of nannies who were usually there for a paycheck. Adrianna and I just really love being in the moment with our kids and always finding a way to learn and grow with them and watch them throughout their journey. We don’t completely ban electronics. We watch movies on Netflix and they have iPads and game consoles, but it’s limited and we know what their playing and watching. So many kids now are playing and watching things that are so mature for their age and they aren’t learning to be kids, so I think that’s just our view on it.”

“Well, a lot of people must think the same, because every one of your seven books have made it to the number one spot on the New York Times best-seller list!”

Again, the audience claps and Ellen cuts to a commercial break after announcing that every guest in the audience was getting a bundle of all seven books.

“We’re doing a special hour-long segment with your favorite mommies, Adrianna and Mackenzie!” Ellen waits for the audience to calm down. “Most of these questions come from audience members, so let’s go out to some of them right now. Where’s Maya Gold?”

A loud screaming came from the left side of the audience while a microphone was being passed down the aisle.

“Hello, ladies!”

“Hi!” The two answer in unison.

“I've been in a relationship for five years now and my question is: how do you keep the romance and sexiness in your relationship?”

Ooohhh’s fill the studio and Adrianna decides to answer the question.

“I wanna say something cheesy, like, ‘Have you seen how beautiful my wife is?’” The audience laughs as Mackenzie playfully slaps her arm. “But honestly it's not about looks or sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex is great!” Mackenzie hides her face while Ellen and Adrianna give five. “But when you have a connection with someone, such a connection that a kiss can make you weak in the knees; you can't beat that.”

“I agree.” Mackenzie talks over the audience. “We’re not always sexy and romantic. We’re also full time moms, so sometimes things can get a little crazy, but we do cheesy things to keep the romance up like make blanket forts and send the kids to grandma’s for the night to have the house to ourselves. We rent movies and just talk. Reconnect as a couple. We’re just normal parents. I will say that we both make an active effort to talk strictly our relationship everyday. We ask each other how the other is feeling or if something needs to be done. No kid talk. No business talk. Just us as a couple and that helps a lot.”

“Next question.. We have Esmeralda Martinez.”

“Hello! My question is: Have any of your kids said a curse word?”

“Oh my gosh. Yes!” Mackenzie exclaims. “All six of them, because their mama has a very bad habit of cursing in front of them.”

“Um, so does their Tía Naya!” Adrianna attempts to defend herself. “Anya’s first curse word was because of Naya. Not me.”

“Doesn't matter. You both need to stop.”

“Sí. Sí. Lo que tu digas.”

Mackenzie gasps. “Adrianna Isabella. You did not just whatever me!”

“I did, pero lo siento.” Ade kisses Kenzie’s cheek, but the blonde wasn't having it.

“No hemos terminado con esta.”

“She said ‘We’re not done with this conversation.’ Great, you all got me in trouble. Trying to act like a badass for you all and now I'm in trouble.” Adrianna pleads to the audience and Ellen.

“Oh boy So, I'm assuming the kids speak Spanish as well?”

“Yes, they’re fluent in Spanish and sign language and they’re all currently learning French.”

“And they know how to curse in two of those.” Mackenzie continues from moment before.

“See, but mommy, they learned how to curse in ASL from you. She’s got a potty mouth, people.” She turns to the audience. “Don’t believe the angelic exterior.”

Mackenzie again playfully slaps Adrianna’s arm and kisses her cheek while Ellen calls for the next question.

“Hello, ladies!” The audience member gushes. “My question is: If you could come up with a hashtag for your wife, what would it be?”

The two take a moment to think before Mackenzie answers. “Ade’s would be #tiredbutnottired. She is such a hard worker and such an attentive mother that she makes everything look so easy even though she’s exhausted.”

“Kenzie’s would probably be #iwasntjoking. She’s so witty and sarcastic. Which she gets from her sister.” She playfully rolls her eyes. “That so many people think she’s joking when she could, like, tear you to pieces. I’m telling you guys! I’m sure a lot of you have seen her in some of her many ‘twitter feuds.’”

Next question: “Hello! I’m a stay at home mom of two kids, ages 2 and 3, and currently 24 weeks pregnant with twins. I was just wondering how you introduced your kids to their younger siblings and if there was any jealousy.”

“Congratulations!” Mackenzie starts. “Well, Autumn was barely one when our older twins were born and she was kinda fascinated with them.” She looked to Ade who nodded in agreement. “When we decided to have Radley, the older three were 7 and 6 and they had been asking for years to have another sibling. They were such great helpers.”

“Now, our little Rad..” Ade jumps in and Kenz laughs, knowing the story. “Rad was two when the twins were born and he absolutely hated them for a couple months. They cried, he cried louder. They got a pacifier, he took it. Pulled their hair. Pinched them. He tried to bite Livy once, but we stopped him before he could. We just continually worked and played with him and made sure that he got attention from us, separate from the babies. After the first, maybe month and a half, he was fine and left them alone.”

“Now, he’s all over them to play. Now that they’re older.”

“Okay, one last question from the audience, where’s Alex Rydel?”

“Hello!”

“Oh my gosh! Hey, Alex!”

“Hey, gorgeous!” Ade calls out. “Alex has been one of our biggest supporters for years.”

“Hey, ladies. My question is: What are you most afraid of?”

“No! I refuse to answer.” Mackenzie instantly gets defensive and starts looking around the set. “Alex, you probably planned this with Ellen to scare me!”

The audience laughs as the blonde stands up and starts pacing. Adrianna pulls her sideways into her lap, Mack’s right arm instinctively wrapping around her wife’s shoulders and left hand tangling in her right.

“Baby, you know I scared Ellen years ago and told her if she ever scared you, she’d be in trouble.”

“En serio, Adrianna, qué control tienes sobre Ellen? Eh? Ninguno! Ella es Ellen!”

Adrianna laughs and again acts as translator. “ When Kenz is real serious, she switches to Spanish. She said I have no control over Ellen, because she’s Ellen! Back to the question. I’m most afraid of wild animals. Even, like, open zoos terrify me. Babe?”

“Aliens.” She whispers and quickly whips around to make sure no one is sneaking up on her.

“Aliens aren’t real!” Alex laughs.

“You don’t know that, Alexis!”

“Ohhhh, full-named!” Adrianna jokes.

“I’ve seen the documentaries. I’ve read the books! I swear I saw them when I was young..”

“AHHHH!”

“AHHHH! Pinche pendejo!” (Fucking asshole!)

Adrianna, along with Ellen and the audience, lose their minds laughing so hard as Mackenzie runs after the poor staff member dressed in a green alien costume.

“And she says the kids only get their cursing from me!” Adrianna shakes her head, waves to the audience, and runs to save the staff member from her wife.