#hard behavior to unlearn but we're gonna try!

[dawnedon]

ive posted abt my goals for dawn for 2024 but my personal goals (for tumblr at least) is to try to be around a little bit more, be a little bit more active and involved and such which is like! easier said than done! last year was just such a rough time emotionally and i had a tough time in the rpc but im hopeful things will be better this year. i need to try letting go of some of that brutal anxiety otherwise im bound to feel stagnant bc of my own self/actions :') ik this is probably Relatable but i cant help but irrationally think that like. sending people asks/interacting with people's posts only makes them annoyed/think im annoying in the sense of like. 'OMG its her again can she just leave me alone!!' which in my heart i know isnt true because, if it was then like... why would i be mutuals with as many people as i am you know! just stupid brain moment, and an issue that i can only tackle by just ignoring those thoughts and putting such things into practice.....

that being said though. from jan 17th - jan 22nd ill be out of town bc me and my bf are going to vegas and im SO excited for it bc ive never been there!! and i havent left the state in general since like!!! 2018!!!!!!!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Sex witch I (cis male) have a HUGE problem and it’s called “my gf can’t make me cum- instead I just urinate despite being harder than nails. I can cum, I did so sitting next to her it’s just. SHE can’t, I feel like I’m going to ejaculate then that’s not what happens. And understandably we’re not gonna try penetrative sex while I might end up urinating in her. Please try and offer suggestions, it’s extraordinarily awkward and we’re both chilled about it it’s also making the physical side of our relationship difficult cause neither of us are into piss kinks

hi anon,

I want to offer a bit of two-pronged advice here.

first off, you may want to book a visit with a urologist to make sure everything is working right with your urethra. it's usually pretty difficult to urinate with an erect penis, because there's a muscle that effectively shuts off the piss valve in your penis when you experience arousal in favor of the valve that expels semen and sperm. as you are obviously extremely aware of, getting those wires crossed isn't in anybody's best interest, so it's a little surprising that you've started peeing when you'd normally expect to ejaculate. checking in with a healthcare professional to make sure everything's alright is definitely not a bad idea.

now, onto this disconnect you're experiencing with your girlfriend and ejaculating during sex. at risk of sound like I'm making light of your situation, this is sort of exciting - I've never gotten to have this conversation with a cis man before!

(I have gotten to have this chat with a nonbinary person with a penis, but since I was in the process of having sex with them at the time, it wasn't a particularly great or accessible educational tool for anyone else.)

if you've followed me for any amount of time you'll know that I'm a strong advocate for unlearning the idea that having an orgasm is how you know sex is over or that it's the strongest indicator that the sex was enjoyable, because that's patently untrue in many, many cases. that's particularly the case for a lot of people with vaginas, who are statistically most likely to have a difficult time orgasming with a partner.

some of that is because of misogyny and sexual norms that don't prioritize the kind of sexual behavior that's actually likely to help someone with a vagina cum (oral sex and clitoral stimulation, mostly), and instead measures sexual success largely in terms of penile penetration and ejaculation. obviously the world of sexual possibility is MUCH bigger and broader than that, and I strongly encourage everyone to look outside of it - and toss any partners who don't want to go on that journey with them straight in the bin.

HOWEVER. at risk of sounding like I'm defending the orgasm gap, some people just... have a hard time orgasming with other people, for any number of reasons. it doesn't mean you don't like or love other people or that they don't turn you on; sexual function is rarely as black and white as that. I can personally attest to this, as someone who doesn't really cum with other people: that has absolutely no bearing on how much I like the people I'm having sex with or how much I like the sex we're having.

it's still the kind of thing that can give a difficult orgasmer and/or their partner a bit of a complex though - especially when you throw in an additional complication such as, say, unwanted urination. as soon as sex and orgasm take on that kind of fraught tension, it can become a self-enforcing cycle of anxiety making sex stressful and hard causing anxiety which makes sex stressful and hard which causes anxiety which -

you get the picture. it's absolutely not your fault - I think anyone would be a little alarmed by your situation - but going into sex nervously wondering what's going to happen if/when you cum and whether or not there's going to be a surprise splash zone probably isn't helping anything.

okay, so, what do we do? in addition to consulting with a urologist about this?

same thing I tell people with vaginas do in this situation: we're gonna get really comfortable with the idea that sex can be whatever we want it to be, and orgasms can happen however they happen if they're part of the proceedings at all. that includes orgasm being something that you do yourself when you're ready to cum! for the time being, it sounds like you and your girlfriend ought to explore what else is on the table for you while you handle that one extremely specific part of sex. it sounds like everything else is still up for grabs, so have fun! what a great prompt to expand your repertoire!

and uuuuuh probably pee before anything sexual occurs just to be safe.

[malepresentingleg]

Ha! I love fandomy essays!

I'm so glad you have a character you can relate to like that! And i definitely had no doubt that at least part of the reasoning behind his behavior was insecurity. I mentioned in my original post that i understand he's a child. It both means he can change a lot and that it's easier for his insecurities get the best of him. But like you said- that's not an excuse.

I know ppl don't like to bring it up but i will anyways, but i think buffy being a black girl is also important here. I mean is there no other player on the team who was good too? Of course there was. But that wasn't threatening as much as a black girl being good. He admitted the sexism part but a. We all know the hair episode was the most we're gonna get about racism and b. I think it's ok to assume it wasn't even conscious. Racism needs to be unlearned because it's drilled into us.

About the cheating- i don't think they're equally to blame. I think buffy should have known better and not do it and should be punished, yes. But to say he asked and she agreed??? He manipulated her, asking her trusting kind friend for advice how to do it. Like he actually thought. She wouldn't do it and i want her to. I understand it's wrong and that she doesn't want to do wrong but what can i do to make her do it anyways? And went and investigated. Again, buffy still shouldn't have done it but equal blame? Nope.

You're right about 3x04-for me tj's arc in season 3 was perfect. You're right about redemption not being a linear line that's why when tj stayed with the gun i was still ok. Because he proved to be changed and try hard after as well.

But i cannot look at his arc in season 2 as "getting better and slipping up occasionally" because he he's only good to cyrus. To buffy it was like once and just because he needed something from her, not because he wanted to make amends. And he was still an awful, like REALLY awful ass to her the whole time.

You're also right about showing regret can be more important than saying sorry, which is why i accept his season 3 arc as his actual redemption arc, and i think episode 4 was where buffy should have forgiven him, not season 2 finale.

I understand that he had a lot going on, but it doesn't mean other ppl should just take it and not hold him accountable. I bless change and forgiveness more than anyone. But after MANY chances? These have to be earned. And he didn't earn them when he recieved them imo.

This might get ne some hate but someone please convince me to like TJ again.

I just watched Billy Maier react to the first 2 seasons and it made me watch the actual canon again and I’m sorry but TJ is awful and has not done enough to be redeemed imo /: I believe in all my heart that kids should be given the chance to change and grow but I can’t forgive him when the other characters did because it was too soon.

Like it’s a classic white guy who is so /nice/ except when it’s girls or poc (or girls of color uhm hm). I still wouldn’t want to be friends with him.

Every nice moment he has with cyrus, when 2 seconds later he makes Buffy’s life hell- is cancelled to me. 🤷‍♀️

The swings 1.0 - a second later he makes her do his hw.

Talks with cyrus and helps jonah- then doesn’t pass buffy the ball!

The talk in the room behind the gym - then he gives buffy the whole “you’re right!” about lying.

So i can’t count them as character development. THAT only started in episode 23 when he was really trying to get along with Buffy and do something nice for her (make her keep playing) and then buffy just forgave him even tho he was nothing but awful to her up until that very second, plus he didn’t even apologize (i take back the coined phrase ‘rapology’. There was no “I’m sorry” in it!)

Anyways I’m having a fandomy shipy crisis so change me mind.