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[ptanalo]

still thinking abt them

[lesbian-ed]

1) Hey! So when I was 11 or 12 y/o I realized that I'm a lesbian, but living in an utterly religious family I keep repressing that thought saying things like hell will be waiting for me if i love the same sex or God will damn me for being gay those 3 years fuck me up. My emotion is out of control, I have an extreme anxiety issue, I cry a lot, etc. That was until I saw my friend dancing on a school seminar. She was gorgeous I was blown away, it's sounds cheesy but it's how it happen

2) Anyway after that I was like “k I guess I’m gay” and then I Started accepting that part of me life was good for six months then I just got into highschool the problem with that is this school is very homophobic. The teacher keeps lecturing us about “ The danger of LGBT+” about how lesbian like to manipulate ppl and how gay man kidnap confuse young boys. And I become the scared 12 yo me again and I’m very conflicted I keep convincing my self that i’m not bad but it just doesn’t work anymore

3) I started to think that it’s not right to be a lesbian but the thought of being with a man disgust me because of some horrible reason. I just don’t know how I can be happy again, I have no one to help me cope, the ppl that know about me being gay keeps trying to subtlety fix me, my only therapist is myself and I’m an horrible therapist.

4) The most painful part is that my country is Asia first LGBT friendly country but due to the recent religious uprising our LGBT+ community is hiding back to the closet ! I’m sorry for rambling I just don’t know how y'all cope when you’re still in the closet, I just want some advice, thank you.

Hey bub,

I hear your struggles and I relate so much. I am from a country in Asia too, and in our communities there is so much pressure to confirm, to be the perfect kid, to follow religion, etc. It’s everywhere around you and breaking free from it seems impossible. But a lot of us have, and I hope you get to do it too.

First of all, it’s good that you recognize you are a lesbian and are sure of it. Congratulations! Just getting to that step can be a huge hurdle, especially in communities like ours. We talk a lot on this blog about compulsory heterosexuality [tag] and you might find something in that tag which speaks out to you. We are women, attracted to other women and don’t want to do anything related to men. In a society that’s male dominated and where women are expected to define their worth in relation to men, being a lesbian is a momentous task.

I had my high school teachers talk to me in the same way as yours do. One of my teachers didn’t teach anything the whole period and just kept ranting about how bad homosexuals were. I felt so guilty about it all the time. I felt sinful and wrong. But here’s the truth: I am not a bad person and neither are you. You are attracted to girls and your attraction is powerful. You are not a sin, you are a human being, you are a natural person. Lesbians don’t manipulate people into the “sin” of homosexuality, that’s just bullshit made up by religious leaders to stay in control. We just want you to accept and love yourself. 

Here’s what I have come to realize about guilt (and I have said it before too)- the more you engage with the thing that makes you feel guilty, the less guilty you feel about it. So do things that remind you of being a lesbian. Read lesbian books (I have an extensive list of them and [here] are some of my recommendations). Watch lesbian movies. Go on lesbian forums and read other people’s stories. There are blogs where other people from religious families talk about how they managed to get out of a toxic mindset. [Here is an interview] with many religious people about being LGBT. A quick google search lead me to [this website] about being a Christen and LGBT. These are the things that help you feel more connected to the community while you are still in the closet. Also, high school isn’t forever. What happens there does not define the rest of your life. I hope you get to a better place with better friends after it who will make you feel sufficient.

Good luck baby lesbian! And you’re welcome to rant more in our inbox if you wish.

/Mod F