#happy birthday to the song that changed my entire life holy shit

[siberian-khatru]

Okay, I originally wasn't planning on doing any writing today cause I felt I would be too emotional to do so, but I'm about halfway through my mini-Yesathon and I feel like I need to.

I got into Yes as a result of being completely and totally obsessed with a different band (Rush, as I'm sure most of you know). This was in 2020, during the pandemic. I had bought Fragile and Close to the Edge on a whim, after the stores slowly began opening up again. I believe I put on Fragile first, but I honestly don't remember. What I do remember was that my first reaction was, "Holy shit, I see why Geddy Lee likes this band so much!". The only thing that has changed since then is that my love and appreciation for Yes (especially Chris, who is one-half of the inspiration for my blog header) has grown exponentially.

To say I fell madly in love with this band would be an understatement. I loved everything about them from first listen, however what really drew me in was the magnificent, boisterous, lively, and sublimely virtuosic bass playing by The Fish himself, Chris Squire. As of writing this, there has been no other bass player (well, besides Geddy Lee, as mentioned earlier) that has influenced me nearly as much. As a bassist, he was a true innovator: unconventional and creative, with the perfect balance of technical and melodic, and unafraid to sit at either the forefront or take a backseat. Even when the bass isn't the focus of a song, his bass lines help to keep the song interesting and engaging by adding slight syncopation, or refusing to play the root of a chord, or by playing slight variations on the same line. Believe me, I've played a lot of Yes at this point lol.

I am also of the controversial opinion that, as vocalist, he is immensly overlooked and underrated. I've sang in choirs my entire life, and you can tell that this guy was a choir singer too. His pitch and ability to harmonize as a singer was remarkable, and rarely out-of-tune. His breath control and choice of phrasing was also impressive, and really shines on his solo album, Fish Out of Water. Following this, he also had immense dynamic control, which is an overlooked trait in a singer, especially when it comes to rock music. The ability to switch back and forth to and from a light falsetto to what sounds like (to me) mixed belting on "Safe (Canon Song)" is particularly impressive, and shows a great deal of control. Hell, I'm a singer that's been doing this for over a decade, and I still find switching from mixed belting to pure head voice difficult, even when I'm not playing bass as well! The skill needed to combine all of the above vocally and play the challenging bass lines he's known for is ridiculous, coming from a singing bassist myself.

Every day, I'm grateful I got into Yes, and that Chris' immense talent was imparted on the world. Happy Birthday Fish, wherever you may be, and thank you for making me want to give up playing bass and become a hermit in Guatemala all the inspiration.

[psychopompii]

Happy Pure Heroine day to all those who celebrate 🥳🥳

I genuinely love this album so fucking much OH MY GOD, I could go for hours and hours about it so here’s some posting/rambling about it for it’s 10th birthday!!

I was 8 when this album first came out and “Royals” was my shit. I loved whenever they played it on the radio and knew all the words. When Covid happened and I was in my sophomore year of high school (16 y.o. For everybody not in the states) I listened to all of Pure Heroine and Melodrama to have something new to listen to in art class and I fell IN LOVE HOLY SHIT. On my first listen through, my favorite song was “Buzzcut Season” but after listening on repeat it’s solidly “A World Alone” and “400 Lux” is my go-to shower song :^)

SONG ANALYSIS

Here’s some explanations for each of the songs (at least in my interpretation) for all of y’all that are wondering about the album’s thematic content:

Tennis Court: Referring to both a literal tennis court as well as Lorde’s reflection on her rising fame. Ella has said in interviews that the song doesn’t have a definite meaning but I like to think of it as a bit of a reference to the tennis court oath of the French Revolution: When all those in the third estate swore that they would not disband until there was a written constitution in France. With the way the song talks about staying together in the face of change it makes sense both in a historical context as well as in an adolescent one

400 Lux :A song about young love and an unspoken crush. The idea of wanting to waste time with someone you love. This is the most “I am a teenager doing things” song of this album and I love it so much. Talking about sneaking out, lying in the street, drinking orange juice, and talking in the car but having so many things left unsaid ex. “And I like you” I just love this song so so much! Fun fact: the beat in the back sounds like the ticking of a clock, referencing the first line, “We’re never done with killing time”

Royals: AAAA I LOVE THIS SONG SO FUCKING MUCH (*´∀｀*) Essentially talking about how Ella doesn’t view herself as a “traditional” celebrity in a sense, not indulging in typical materialistic affairs ex. Blood stains, ball gowns, trashing the hotel rooms. As well as how she isn’t viewed as a celebrity in her home country of New Zealand, allowing her to establish her persona of a down to earth, brooding girl, ahead of her time

Ribs: PEAK SONGWRITING <333. About Ella’s first house party and the quiet aftermath of it, there’s such a sense of fear and fragility that permeates the entire song. So much emphasis is placed in the idea that this excess, this partying, cannot cure the bittersweet horror of growing up. There is a yearning for childhood and simpler times “Sharing beds like little kids/ laughing till our ribs get tough/ but that will never be enough” but also the understanding that you will never relive them but also transform those actions as you age

Buzzcut Season: Ella’s reflection on her teenage years in New Zealand. Paired with “Team” this very much so seems like the escapist aspect of being an adolescent, trying to shy away from the uncomfortable aspects of your life “Explosions on TV/ upon the news they try to tell us all that we will lose” in favor of peace, “now we live beside the pool where everything is good/I’ll never go home again”

Team : A meditation on teenage life in New Zealand once More, though with a bit more of a realistic tone paired with the sharp wit shown in “Royals.” Ella revels in the life she lives in, “We live in cities you’ll never see on screen/Not very pretty but we sure know how to run free.” There is love in the little things, such as the imperfections of the teenage body “A hundred jewels between teeth/[boys with] skin in craters like the moon” can refer to teenagers having braces/retainers and acne. The camaraderie from “Tennis Court” is present here as well, with the idea that Ella and her friends will stick together, not needing the glamour and excess talked about in “Royals”

Glory and Gore : A song about the violence of being a teenager, though done in a satirical Hunger Games-esque way. To me this song very much so refers to the clan-like mentalities a lot of teens have when developing their friend groups or being evolved in cliques

Still Sane: Fame critiques? On my Pure Heroine album? More likely than you think. In this song Lorde speaks a lot about her inner fear of becoming famous, knowing the high standards she has to live up to from both herself and the public. Being an elder Gen Z Ella would have definitely witnessed the breakdown/bad girl eras of numerous female celebrities and would be advised not to reenact any of their meltdowns, “I won’t be her tripping over on stage” as well as having to keep in mind how her public perception will influence her career, "Only bad people live to see their likeness set in stone." There is also a hidden melancholy as well, when she first began to rise to fame Lorde was only 17, and this greatly isolated her from her peers, referenced in lines like "All work and no play keeps me on the new shit/ All work and no play lonely on that new shit." With the reference to The Shining's, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" can also allow the listener to infer that Lorde's work as a musician is taking away her carefree teenage years.

White Teeth Teens: Another commentary on teenage life and cliques! Huzzah! This song is pretty straight forward, at least to me. There is an inherent juxtaposition with the subject of the song and the title; White teeth are the epitome of health and perfection, clean and perfect and coveted, while the actions referred to in the song such as drinking and smoking will damage the teeth. Lorde rejects this hypocrisy of said teens through being herself authentically, though she does admit throughout the song that she could understand the appeal of being a white teeth teen.

A World Alone: The end to the album proper. This song gets sooo many bitches it’s so good. AWA refers to all the main themes and symbols Ella refers to throughout the album: day and night, bruises, teenage life, social cliques and their superficiality, teenage solidarity, and teenage romance. In this song Ella has fully matured in a sense, going from the beginning of the album where she states “Don’t you think that it’s boring how people talk?” To “the people are talking, let them talk” Lorde once more notices the shallowness of those around her “All the double-edged people and their schemes/ They make a mess then go home and get clean” though she doesn’t let them bother her, finding comfort in her true friends “You’re my best friend and we’re dancing in this world alone.” She understands that her world and she are both changing, both as she grows as a person and a musician which is emphasized in the both the setting of the song, “that slow-burn wait as it gets dark” and her remark “I know we’re not everlasting” but the key difference from the beginning of the album is that she understands that she will become someone fully realized instead of being a being of continuous chaos, “One day the blood will flow so gladly one day we’ll still get still”

This post is getting ungodly long and Tumblr has a character limit so I'll go over the extra songs in another post! In the meantime here are some pictures and gifs of Lorde <333

[perishsongchatot]

TODAY IS A NATIONAL HOLIDAY HOLY SHIT

[astridthevalkyrie]

A Scene Popped Into My Head But Instead Of Writing A Whole AU I’m Just Going To Write That One Scene <3

—> Scene Capture Fics Masterlist

—> Today’s Feature: Rockstar Levi!

—> a/n: happy birthday, @lacheri <3 i trust you know what this is based on :) ily wifey i hope you have a good one!!!!

"Chairs so close and room so small."

Lights. Sounds. Everywhere.

Music, roaring in your ears. Screams, almost drowning out the lyrics. Jumping, loud thumps that feel like they're shaking the ground.

There's something about tonight. Something that gives it a life-changing kind of quality, and that excites you to the point that you're basically vibrating.

From an outsider's point of view, it's nothing special. You're just at a concert. Just listening to a song. Just one person in a sea of hundreds, although to be fair, you have a far better vantage point than most of the people in the room.

Since you're actually on the stage, that is.

"You and I talk all the night long."

After seeing your sign, the lead singer had personally offered his hand out to you, and you think you've never known true elation until the moment you took it and let him pull you up.

From here, you can make out their faces so clearly.

Mike Zacharius, the drummer with two tattoos on one arm, one of a rose and the other of the band's official logo, the wings of freedom. It's an intricate design, one that looks especially good on his bicep as it flexes every time he moves his arm to drum.

Erwin Smith, the keyboardist with the perfect hair. Even messy it looks tempting enough for you to want to run your fingers through it. In your last relationship, you and your partner had agreed that Erwin Smith was both your hall passes. As funny as that was, you thank your lucky stars that you're single now.

Hange Zoe, the guitarist with arguably the most talented fingers in the entire universe. They flash a perfect set of white teeth in a grin at the crowd, reveling in the shrieks and screeches they're rewarded with. You don't know how many times you've looked at pictures of them, gushing to your friend about how gorgeous they are.

And finally, Levi Ackerman, the one who pulled you up on stage, the lead singer whose eyes are locked on yours as he sings. Sings to you.

You've had a crush on Levi Ackerman ever since the moment you first heard his voice.

"Meagre this space but serves us so well."

There's a mixture of everything in his eyes, Amusement, at your wonder and amazement. Passion, for the lyrics you know he and his bandmates have put their souls into. And lastly, one emotion that you can't place, but it's so intense and so deeply ingrained in his expression as he stares at you that you feel your cheeks heating up from the attention.

This fluttering in your heart must be from the music, right? It's not because he chose to pull you up. It's not because he's singing to you directly. And it's certainly not because it's your favorite song of theirs. It's not any of those things, because those things would get your hopes up, and fantasizing about the hot, broody, tongue-and-ears-pierced singer would be a stupid fucking thing to do. He's a whole celebrity, and you're...you're...

You're having the time of your goddamn life.

"We comrades have stories to tell."

As he sings the last few notes he pulls you up, and you're not entirely sure he meant to go in for a hug but you're almost crying with excitement so you fall into one with him anyway. Levi reciprocates, and you almost feel dizzy when you feel his hands on the back of your waist, squeezing you against him.

Then, in a moment so fleeting you're half sure you're imagining it, he whispers, "Happy Birthday."

The next thing you know there's a small piece of paper being pushed into your palm, but more importantly, there's a warm set of lips covering your own.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

The rockstar cups your cheeks, deepening the kiss as though you're not already out of breath. His tongue teases your lower lip but never pushes past your teeth, maybe possibly because of the eruption of screams that are only now registering to you.

Your lips follow his when he breaks away, unable to stop the gasp that escapes you. He kissed you. He kissed you.

And if that isn't already good enough, as if his slightly cocky grin when he escorts you off the stage isn't good enough, you find that the paper in your hands contains two very important things.

XXX-XXX-XXXX

Call after the show to get your real birthday present. We'll get someone to bring you to the hotel. - L

Needless to say, you almost faint back right into the screaming mass.

[swinterr]

fic rec vi ♡

hi!

this is a another new set of fic rec and i’ll probably do a compilation of genre (?) just like the first ones.

made some changes like tidying up a bit and adding summary, for those that doesn’t have any summary i’ll try my best to add my own summary (it will probably be shit tho, i ain’t making a smut summary guys, i’m not confident in my describing a fic ability but i’ll try my best. if its in italic it means i made the summary hehez )  if the summary is shit, i made it okay.

read and support the fic and authors here: the fic rec ♡

a for angst

f for fluff

s for smut

// for series or list

nct 

jeno

no title by @tyongf-nct | s

- smut blurb.

body guards and boyfriend by @pastelsicheng | f

-  sometimes the only way you can really get some alone time with your boyfriend is by making his job hard.

lipstick smears by @kopikokun | f

-  jeno never thought trying to get his makeup artist’s attention would be this hard.

jaehyun

[10:30] by @moonttaeil | 

- a lockdown moment.

[2:40] by @nct-jungjaehyun | f a

- cute quality fluff time with bf!jae with a dash of angst.

[11:41] by @jeongvision | f 

- family time with apples.

just like magic by @starryhyuck | f s

-  jung jaehyun’s body count is almost as high as yours. however, after yuta spreads a nasty rumor, you learn that jaehyun’s always imagined those girls to be you instead.

love to hate me by @moonctzeny | s a 

-  you and jaehyun meet as sm trainees, developing a friendship until he debuts and you decided to leave the company and pursue a solo career. when you reunite again in a music show and he acts like he barely knows you, you stubbornly begin a series of hate-brimmed sex rendez-vous. your touch-and-go relationship continues on, until a song collaboration will force you both to deal with all your repressed feelings for each other.

moving on by @ddeonghwaa | f a

- reader has been chasing jae for some time but when she moved on jae suddenly enter the picture.

sun&moon by @ppangjae | f a

-  asking jeong jaehyun to accompany you to your family’s 1-week christmas vacation as your boyfriend has its consequences. one can surely get through 1 week of pretending to be in love with an enemy, right?

snack run with a snack by @kopikokun | f 

-  on your usual movie night with the members, they assign you sudden snack collecting duty. you’re a little peeved, but at least jaehyun offers to tag along. Unfortunately for you, things really aren’t going in your favour tonight.

lover boy by @neoct-zen | f s

- bunch fics of lover boy jae and reader.

jungwoo

one more time, please by @haequarius | f s

-  you don’t know what you and Jungwoo are, but you are certainly weak for him.

jealous by @whiplashsan | s 

-  jungwoo is all smiles and sunshine until he gets jealous, and he just so happens to get jealous over the smallest things when it comes to you.

doyoung

sugar, spice and everything not nice by @alreadyblondenow | s

-  doyoung getting your ring size wrong, unprotected sex, kitchen sex, slight fingering, wedding tragedies.

no title by @ncteaxhoe | s

- dom!doyoung, rough? i need holy water.

the little one by @ethaeriyeol | f 

-  a gift of life; female reader x husband!Doyoung; fluff, light angst, married au

lucas

exquisite taste by @weishenkonbini | s f

- smut but with a fluffy ending.

for you always by @labyrinthsofyou | f

-  in which you surprise yukhei when he forgets about your date.

6:19 by @cozykpopblurbs | f

- a cute fluff ft kun and winwin.

10:18 pm by @nctsoftarchives | f

- reader supports lucas at his superm debut stage. 

16:47 by @sichengssmile | f s 

- a fluffy smut. lucas a big boi.

missed you by @tokyobts | a f

-  after you and yukhei broke up, yukhei still has feelings for you. he reaches out to you at school and tries to get you back. at first you avoid him but later his actions manage to make your heart flutter. you’ve come to a sudden conclusion that you maybe still want him in your life.

johnny

34 + 35 by @domjaehyun | s 

- you and your husband johnny decide to take your marriage to the next step.

i couldn’t wait a little longer by @alreadyblondenow | s f a

-  you two were never together longer than two days, but the feelings, oh the feelings that you have for each other is clear as the day. it was a never-ending try of making the relationship official. johnny tried, you tried but it never happens.

what happens in korea, not stays in korea by @alreadyblondenow | f s 

-  a week vacation in korea for your sister’s wedding became even more exciting when a famous dj had a crush on you. johnny was sure that it’s love at first sight. not putting both of your careers on the line, you two had no regrets when the time comes and you finally leave.

laundry day by @immabiteyou | s

- a domestic fluffy smut.

make a wish by @sluttyten | s f a

-  you’re jungwoo’s sister, and he’s made it clear he wants you and Johnny to have nothing to do with each other. so you and johnny start fake dating to piss him off.

want it all by @sluttyten | f s 

-  you are entirely innocent to the point of being naive. johnny is not innocent, but he loves that you are because it means he can teach you everything you don’t know.

sungchan

wish i was her by @softsungchan | f a 

-  you wished you were her, laying in Sungchan’s arms and feeling his warm breath on your neck, giggling about sweet nothings whispered into the starry night. You wished for it to be you, the girl he liked.

2:21 am by @the32ndbeat | f 

- sungchan being whipped, thru a text message.

haechan

14:52 by @ukiyoexo | f

- a cute haechan and reader ft the reader’s baby sister moment.

prince’s order by @nsheetee | f

-  prince haechan nurses you after you faint, and orders you to stay with him until you feel better.

sweet treat by @markresonates | s

-  haechan takes you for ice cream but all you can think about is sex with him.  when you act like a brat, eventually you end up in the bathroom. with no panties. 

clingy by @love-mi | f 

-  I’m not clingy! I just love your company and constantly want to be around you and have your full attention at all times

mark

hyuck is always right by @luvrenjun00 | f 

- ceo!mark x reader ft baby donghyuck. a tooth-rotting fluff.

taeyong

snow storm by @whereisten | f s 

- a fluffy smut whilst a snow storm.

1:59 by @smoll-tangerine | f

- reader and taeyong ft my favorite game (where i always die first) among us!

bts

taehyung

is this allowed 1 2 by @seokiie  | f s

- how were you supposed to know bts would be filming at your coffee shop today? how were you supposed to know a certain curly-haired boy would take a liking  to you?

cabin pressure | f by @jiminrings | f 

-  pilot!y/n who accidentally became famous bc of a viral post about her, best friend!jimin!, taehyung having a shy lil crush on you aND ot7 being meanies for a tad bit :((

art major!tae and biochem major!yn | f by @jiminrings | f

-  tae’s cold and probably needs a friend more than he needs a model, y/n feels this nEED to take care of him, a term of enderment then a dash of emotional constipation and a sprinkle of jealousy :D

gank mid lane by @kimtaehyunq | f s 

- gank / verb: (in a video game) use underhand means to defeat or kill (a less experienced opponent)

birthday surprise by @ephemeralkookie |

-  like every year, you prepare a little surprise for your boyfriend’s birthday, one that you’ve been preparing for days. and after a very tiring day, taehyung only wants to spend the night in your loving arms.

jungkook

cookies & cream | s by @1kook | f s 

-  jungkook will watch a thousand cheesy christmas movies if it meant making you happy. (and maybe having his dick sucked.)

unholy night | s by @ephemeralkookie | f s

-  after a christmas day passed with the Jeon’s family, Jungkook decides to transform the holy night into an unholy one.

‘a short’ abstinence | s a by @seokiie | s a

-  maybe blue-balling you boyfriend (who has an insanely high sexual drive) wasn’t the best.

in which she’s done with him by @minstrivia | a

-  jungkook angst/fluff where he always pushes oc away (who confesses her feelings but was cruelly rejected) and insults her but she always comes back to take care of him when he’s drunk or picks him up from his one night stands and she finally decides to leave him alone.

bad influence by @noteguk | s 

-  in which you know jungkook is a bad influence on you, but you can’t avoid falling for him every time.

jock!jk and shy art major!yn by @jiminrings | f

-  established relationship ft. jock!jk and shy art major!y/n, y/n gets an unexpected pep talk and jungkook doubts himself, and either so much tears or so much dUST according to kook

special affair by @1oserjk | f

-  sugar daddy au except it’s just jk spoiling u thru animal crossing

fairy of shampoo by @ironicarmy | f s

-  sundays are for relaxation, house cleaning, and happiness.

abstract ft bob ross by @mimithings97 | f

-  paintbrush in one hand, joint in the other and you sitting on his dick is what jeongguk wants. and what jeongguk wants, jeongguk gets.

badboy!jungkook by @jungshookz | f 

- badboy!jungkook falls for good girl reader ft the boys and the reader’s apple. 

growing by @lesgetittkookie | f

- dad!jungkook teacher his daughter how to walk. super super cute family/domestic fluff.

quiet, baby by @bratkook | s 

- i don’t how to write a summary on smuts so imma just put this. reader and jungkook doing something in the subway.

still want that by @whatifyoulivelikethat | s

-  fucking min yoongi ex-girlfriend? a terrible idea. being hopelessly in love with her at the same time? an even worse idea. knowing he was being used and still doing it anyway? ah, Jeon Jungkook, what are you doing? part 2 of savage love.

desiderium by @jeonggukingdom | f s 

-  “we’ve been at it like rabbits, how are you still so horny?”. a newlyweds!au smut.

chapstick by @softyoongiionly | f s

- based on the time Jungkook said he needed someone to scold him so he’d remember to put lip balm on. or jungkook’s had a really long day and the only that can make it better, is seeing you. 

lover boy by @jingukk | f 

-  jungkook likes you. a lot.

unexpected confession by @sunkissedjk | f

-  you gathered up the courage to confess your feelings, but it seems everyone in school knows about it before you could even find him.

string attached by @ephemeralkookie | s

-  jungkook is what we can call your sexfriend. No strings attached, just you and him having fun and releasing the huge pressure and stress of being idols. But after spending an entire day together, you realize that maybe he’s not just your sexfriend.

no title by @himbojk | f s 

- dilf jk.

astro

eunwoo

ceo!eunwoo by @m0onbean

no title by @yutopiada | f

- a cute idol!reader and eunwoo moment at a music show.

disney by @bangchan-sonyeondan | f

- a cute date with eunwoo at disney. reader likes vintage things hence using a disposable camera.

baby, it’s cold outside by @fresh-outta-jams | f 

- a cute cold christmas fluff with eunwoo ft. the boys. reader went to the boys’ place for a sweater and cocoa gift exchange.

got7

yugyeom

cruel brothers by @imsarabum | f

-  jackson and jaebum have always acted as if they were your big, overprotective brothers. so when they both walk in on you and yugyeom in a very intimate position, things get a little tense!

txt

soobin

a special night by @gyuluster | f

-  an intimate insight on the first night of choi soobin’s wedding, consisting of kitchen floors, witches and an eternity of love.

boughs & branches by @jeogiyall | f 

-  decorating the tree with boyfriend! choi soobin from txt! fluffity fluff fluff with a lot of cute fluff thrown in and a dash of christmastime fluff. 

sleepy binnie by @immabiteyou | s

-  “i’ll let you do anything if you just touch me now. “ a sleepy soobin smut.

cake by @immabiteyou | s

- reading waiting for mc soobin with the guys. a cute fluffy smut moment.

kpop oc/s

seri by @ggukkiedae

anyway, thank you again for the writers please take care and be safe!

please free to recommend your favorite fic that i haven’t feature yet.

if the links won’t work and i labelled some fics wrong please let me know and i’ll try to fix it as soon as possible!

support the fic and the writers!

[bored-mumma]

Sebastian Stan - Fluff Alphabet

MASTERLIST

Bucky Barnes version

A = Attractive. What do they find attractive about the other?

He loves your passion. How even little things in life can get you excited and happy. He also loves your strong will. You two being in the lime light takes a strong personality and you match that perfectly.

B = Baby. Do they want a family? Why/Why not?

He really wants kids. He likes to imagine Sunday mornings, your children waking you up and you all making breakfast before spending the day playing games and just being a close family. Nothing makes him happier than thinking of his future family.

C = Cuddle. How do they cuddle?

No matter how warm the nights get, Sebastian likes to be snuggled entirely under the blankets. Usually one of you will be spooning the other but if its too hot then just either your legs or arms are slightly tangled.

D = Dates. What are dates with them like?

Sebastian doesn’t do ‘little’ dates. He sweeps you off your feet every single time. You’ll come home from work expecting a normal evening at home to find some new fancy clothes and jewellery lying down on your bed, along with a note telling you what time to be ready by. Bang on time, Sebastian knocks on the door (you live together but why not be romantic and come pick you up like he used too) with a bouquet of your favourite flowers. Before driving to a beautiful restaurant, champagne sitting there waiting. All evening he would throw compliments at you, repeating his love. If you felt like it, you two would go for a walk along the sea front or just drive randomly and talk away.

E = Everything. You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…)

You are my light.

F = Feelings. When did they know they were falling in love?

He couldn’t really give a proper time when he knew he was falling for you. It just kind of happened! He knew he missed you when you were gone, even if you spent all day together. He knew he dreamt of waking up to your face everyday and he knew his heart skipped a beat every time you kissed him. One day he just realised ‘holy shit, i love you’.

H = Holding Hands. How do they like to hold hands?

I = Impression. First impression/s?

You two got along very well. Your personalities just clicked and the two of you became friends fast. It took a few months, but that friendship soon turned into love.

J- Joker. Are they into pulling pranks?

He loves them, a lot more than you did. Barely a day went by that Sebastian didn’t play some sort of joke on you. Usually you find it funny and playful but other days you want to slap his pretty face.

K = Kiss. How do they kiss?

Most of the time Sebastian will hold your chin with his finger and thumb, tilt your head up and kiss you deeply. Although sometimes he’ll be a little more rough and grab your waist, pulling you towards him.

L = Love. Who says ‘I love you’ first?

You do. After a particularly breath taking date and nearly six months together, you finally felt as though you were ready to say those words. When you uttered those words, Sebastian grinned at you before saying it back.

M = Memory. What’s their favourite memory together?

You two were walking home from a lovely date night a restaurant. You both had a few drinks so couldn’t drive and you were struggling to catch a taxi so decided to take a longer walk across the parks. It was a stunning night and half way home, he placed his jacket on the ground and the two of you lied down, watching the stars and resting your feet. Feeling merry anyway from the drinks flowing through you, you lied there for nearly an hour, just joking together and sharing kisses.  Going from the last letter, this was the moment you looked up at each other and said I love you for the first time. 

N = Nickel. Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?

You are so, so spoilt. Literally anything your eyes land on, Sebastian will buy it for you. Even stuff you had never seen or even heard of, if he thinks you’ll like it, he’ll buy it, Date night? He’s got you some new clothes and jewellery for it. Anniversary? You cant see the floor in your home from all the gifts. And birthdays are just insane with the amount of stuff he gets you.

O = Orange. What colour reminds them of their other half?

Sky Blue. A lovely calm, stunning colour that reminds him of summer days. Days he loved to spend with you. He would often buy you some sky blue jewellery, making a matching dress too. 

P = Petnames. What petnames do they use?

You two are cringe as hell and like to think of the most sickening names for each other as possible. Bunny, sugar-plum, precious. Just as cringy as possible to make each other laugh.

Q = Quaint. What is their favourite non-modern thing?

Sebastian's a simple man and loves the simple things. One of those things is a gentle bike ride. On a hot day with the cold breeze cooling him, he loved to just bike through the country and forget about life's trouble for a while.

R = Rainy Day

A busy man leads a busy life. Rain or shine, his days barely change. Although on the rare days you both have a day together with nothing to do and its pouring it down outside, he was known to drag you out in it. Whether to just dance in the back garden or to go for a quick run, Sebastian loved to just be out in the rain for a while with you. It felt like a reset for you both and it was those moments you treasured the most.

S = Sad. How do they cheer themselves/others up?

As most people know, Sebastian talks to his therapist often. You try not to pry too much, knowing if he wants to share his feelings with you, he will. But you can always tell when he’s feeling a bit down. It’s usually cured with a cup of tea, cuddles and you dragging your nails gently across his skin to make him feel relaxed. Sometimes he’ll talk to you about what’s bothering him, other times he just wants to feel your touch.

T = Talking. What do they like to talk about?

You two are low key conspiracy theorists. You will often find you both having deep conversations about a theory you saw online or about a new documentary. Whether it was something like aliens exist all the way to the queen is a lizard, you two would have debated on it. 

U = Unencumbered. What helps them relax?

As said above, he loves to feel your nails dragging across his skin. He felt most relaxed when lying in bed on his stomach, you lying beside him and dragging your nails along his spine. He would get Goosebumps from it and always felt like he could fall asleep right there and then.

V = Vaunt. What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?

You and your career! Sebastian was your number one fan and would brag about your acting success every chance he could. Even if he’s doing an interview about his own movie, he’ll still slip in there how proud he is of your new project. He couldn’t help it.

W = Wedding. When, how, where do they propose?

It was your two year anniversary and you two decided to take a week off of work. Nothing special planned, just a week to relax and actually get to enjoy one another's company. Sebastian watched you with admiration as you cooked dinner, watching the way you sung along to the radio and how you refused to let him help, insisting on spoiling him. As you stood at the stove, Sebastian walked to the bedroom and grabbed a little box from his bedside drawers. Going back to the kitchen, he stood behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, head resting on your shoulder.

“This wasn’t how i planned it,” He said, letting go of your slightly to open the box and show a beautiful ring. “But i couldn't wait any longer. Will you marry me?”

X = Xylophone. What’s their song?

wonderful tonight - Eric Clapton

Y = You. You are the ___ to my ___ (e.g. the cookies to my milk, the macaroni to my cheese)

You are the honey to my bee.

Z = Zebra. If they wanted a pet, what would they get?

Sebastian has always wanted a dog! You two ended up adopting a puppy together.

[max-is-tired]

What the hell would I be (without you)

Pairing: Dukexiety

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders

Words: 2.078

Warnings: sympathetic Remus, swearing, self-deprecation, spiraling thoughts, anxiety, crying, kissing, tell me if I missed something!!

Notes: man I love soulmates AUs so much. This fic is inspired by this headcanon from @figurative-siren-song, I just loved the entire concept so much I simply couldn’t not try my hand at it. I hope you guys like it, comments and reblogs are always greatly appreciated!!

Commission me!!  Buy me a coffee!!  Join my Discord server!!  AO3!!

Virgil stared at the clock on his wall, nervously bouncing his leg on the carpet as he raised one hand to his face. Before he could start biting his nails, however, another hand appeared out of nowhere, giving it a quick slap to keep it away from his mouth.

“No biting,” chided a voice from above Virgil, Remus grinning down at him from his position lying upside-down on the bunk bed. Virgil grumbled but complied, opting to wring his fingers instead.

“You’re an ass,” he muttered under his breath, throwing his best friend a half-hearted grave.

“Well excuse me for trying to look out for you,” Remus shot back, his tone amused. “If you bite your nails you might hurt yourself, and there might be blood and then the whole thing might get infected and they’d have to chop your entire hand off and-!”

Without missing a beat, Virgil reached for one of his pillows and slapped it onto Remus’ face, effectively shutting him up.

“Alright, message received you fucking gremlin,” he said, a smirk of his own tugging at his lips. “Remind me why I have yet to smother you?”

“Because it’s gonna be your birthday in a few hours and you needed your big, strong best friend to hold your hand lest your anxiety reduces you to a hot mess for the umpteenth time,” Remus easily recited, winking down at Virgil. “Not that you need it, you’re already a hot mess by yourself.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, letting out an amused huff as he stood up and stretched his arms upwards with a tired groan -the curse of being born at fucking 2 am, he supposed. Currently, it was only 1:45 am, and for the first time in what felt like forever, all he wanted was to curl up under the covers and go the fuck to sleep.

There was no way he could ruin his soulmate’s birthday if he was asleep, right?

“Oi, Earth to Virgil!” Remus called, startling the boy out of his thoughts. “Did you decide to go for a mental walk without me? That’s just rude, Vee! Come on, what’s running around in that worrying head of yours?”

Virgil shrugged, plopping down on his spinning chair as he looked up at the ceiling.

“Do you think my soulmate will like me?” Virgil finally asked, frowning. “I mean, I know I sure as hell wouldn’t like myself. I’m an anxious, self-deprecating mess, Rem, why the fuck would anyone want to be stuck with me? I’m just going to ruin their birthday, and I don’t want to but I can’t help it, they’re gonna hate me and I can’t blame them for that and then I’ll end up all alone and soulless-”

“Hey, stop with that crap right the fuck now,” Remus suddenly exclaimed, snapping Virgil out of his self-deprecating spiral. The boy pulled his gaze away from the ceiling, only to meet a pair of determined, blazing green eyes.

“That’s my fucking best friend you’re insulting, and I won’t stand for it. You’re an amazing person Vee, you’re loyal and determined and got snark for days. And that’s not even talking about that beautiful ass of yours!! Whoever ends up being your soulmate is going to be one lucky motherfucker, and this is the hill I’m willing to die on.”

Virgil blinked, looking like a deer caught in the headlights as he stared at his best friend with wide eyes. Slowly, he felt the familiar tingle of a blush covering his cheeks, whipping his head to the side to avoid the instinct of doing something stupid like try and kiss Remus or something.

“Shut up,” Virgil muttered, looking down at his hands in hopes that his long bangs would hide just how flustered he was.

“Never,” Remus easily shot back, voice soft and earnest in a way Virgil knew was reserved just for him.

Fuck, and people wondered why he had done something so idiotic as falling for his best friend -he was just… perfect. He was honest, loud and everything Virgil would have wanted and more. He just got him, always had, and before he’d known it Virgil had found himself head over heels, falling and falling with no chance of getting up again.

Not that he would have wanted to, of course. Sometimes, during those endless nights when sleeping felt like the most impossible thing in the world, Virgil found himself wondering if maybe, he and Remus were meant to be. After all, Remus still had to go through the swap, even after having recently turned 20. It wasn’t so far fetched for that to be a possibility, was it...?

Except that it was. After all, why would the universe pair someone as amazing as Remus with, well, Virgil, who seemed to grow needlessly anxious about the smallest and most mundane of things?

And there he went again, his thoughts spiraling more and more as the seconds passed. Of course Remus couldn’t be his soulmate. Whoever the lucky soul was, they were probably someone as incredible as him, full of life and energy and desire of adventure. Not an introvert, anxious downer like him.

1:58 am

Like, who was he even kidding? Virgil probably had no soulmate. His birthday was going to come and go and no swap would happen, not today nor never.

1:59 am

After all, why would the universe doom some poor soul to be stuck with him forever? He should just start getting used to the idea of being alone forever, instead of letting that stupid hope still fester in his chest.

It was just so stupid. Worthless, really.

2:00 am

Except that it wasn’t, not at all.

All of a sudden, Virgil felt a surge of self-confidence overtake him. He stood straighter on his chair, a grin tugging at his lips as his head filled with a thousand ideas. He wanted to bolt out of the room, jump out of his window, run into the woods behind his house and get himself lost in the wilderness, maybe even catch some squirrels.

Who cared if it was the middle of the night and there could be an assassin lurking in the shadows? He could take them, Remus had shown him how to throw knives when they were like, twelve.

Talking about his best friend! Virgil snapped his head up, eyes twinkling wildly under the fairy lights in his room, only to feel his excited expression morph into a frown once he took in the other’s expression.

Remus was hunched over just a few feet away from him, his shoulders shaking slightly as he rested his head between his knees.

“Rem?” Virgil tentatively called, standing up and shuffling forward. He crouched down in front of the other, brow pinched in confusion as he tried to understand what was going down.

Slowly, Remus looked up, his eyes red and wet as he tried to get his shallow breathing back under control. He was clutching at his chest, his fist tight around the fabric of his shirt. All in all, he looked right on the edge of an anxiety attack.

But why? He had been fine just a minute ago! There was no way he could have been faking the determined fire in his eyes as he defended Virgil from his own thoughts, and besides, Remus didn’t get anxious. Like, ever. Virgil should know, they’d been basically inseparable since kindergarten.

Then, Remus spoke.

“Do you really hate yourself this much?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper as some stray tears escaped from his eyes.

And finally, it clicked.

“I-” Virgil stared at Remus with wide eyes, trying to process the sudden life-changing information that had come to light. Normally, something like this would have sent him into some sort of attack, his anxiety, fears, and deepest insecurities filling his head until he could barely keep his head above the water.

Instead, all he felt was quiet, unmistakable happiness blooming in his chest, spreading further and further until he could barely keep himself from dancing around the room to try and get rid of some of the overwhelming giddiness.

“You’re my soulmate,” he breathed, a grin slowly stretching on his face. It was wide, bright, unhinged, the type of smile he would have never dared to let appear on his face before -but now, he couldn’t care less if his teeth were slightly crooked, or if a random stranger was annoyed by his smile.

Fuck them, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Remus was his soulmate, and that meant-

Oh. Oh no.

“Shit, Remus, I’m sorry,” he murmured, raising his hands to cradle the other’s cheeks. Gently, he wiped away the occasional tear still escaping his eyes, leaning forward to rest his brow against Remus’. “I’m sorry you have to feel all of that.”

“How do you deal with this every fucking day?” Remus whispered, looking at him as his breath slowly started to calm down. “I mean, I knew it was bad, but shit Vee, I didn’t think it was this bad.”

Virgil hummed, his smile turning a tad softer. “It sucks, doesn’t it?”

Remus silently nodded, carefully releasing his shirt to rest his palm above Virgil’s chest. His breath started to synchronize with his heartbeat, and after a few minutes, he finally looked like he wasn’t three seconds away from breaking down in the middle of Virgil’s room.

“God, this is exhausting,” Remus muttered, drawing a chuckle out of his soulmate as he slid his head down to rest his brow on the other’s shoulder.

“Holy shit, how do you deal with this shit basically every other day? It’s not even been five minutes and all I want is to curl up under the covers and sleep for like, a century or so. Maybe more.”

Silence fell around them, calm and comfortable as they held each other. Then, Remus looked up, a pensive frown on his face as he visibly mulled something in his head.

“Can I-” he started, sounding strangely insecure as he avoided Virgil’s gaze. “I mean, can we- uh- god, this is impossible!”

Virgil couldn’t help the amused snort that left his lips as he watched Remus frustratingly throw his hands up, his cheeks crimson red in embarrassment.

“What, Rem?” he asked with a lopsided smirk, feeling strangely coy, “do you want me to kiss you?”

“Yes!” Remus nodded vigorously, looking more flustered by the second. “I’ve wanted to smooch your pretty face since fucking high school, do you know how hard it has been to hold off?? So you better kiss me right now before the embarrassment decides to off me for real by sending my heart on a one-way trip around the world with how fast it’s beating right now!”

Virgil cackled as he listened to Remus’ rant, feeling the muscles of his face hurt with how wide he was smiling.

“Well, it looks like the swap didn’t take away your lack of filter, at least!” he exclaimed, before grabbing Remus by the lapels of his jacket and dragging him into a kiss.

They melted into each other, the world around them fading away until there was nothing but the soft press of their lips and their careful, roaming hands. And just like that, they felt something inside them fit into place, like a puzzle piece they’d never noticed was missing.

Virgil felt the extra confidence and energy slowly slip away, leaving behind exhausted happiness as the familiar background tingle of his anxiety started coming back. As for Remus, Virgil didn’t miss the way his soulmate -holy shit, Remus was actually his soulmate, what the fuck???- immediately straightened up, pushing forward a little until Virgil was bending backward and a massive grin had taken over both of their lips.

“Fuck, I love you,” Remus murmured almost reverently as he pulled back enough to look at the boy in his arms. “I hoped, once the switch didn’t happen on my birthday, I never stopped hoping and I just- I love you so much, you have no idea. You’re the only soulmate I’ve ever wanted to have.”

“I love you too,” Virgil answered, the giddiness in his chest ever-present, burning and shining like a million suns, “but I think you’re talking a little too much right now.”

And he leaned forward again, dragging Remus in another kiss. And another. And another.

Needless to say, they didn’t find themselves in need to talk for a little while more.

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Eighty-Nine

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

You floated through the halls at work the next day. No, not because of the wonderful 3AM sex you had with Harry last night. It was because this Saturday would be one year since your first date, the date that the two of you were choosing to be your anniversary, instead of when you made things official in October.

“What do you two have planned this weekend?” Niall asks you at lunch. Buster was with Harry today.

“We’re going to a spa for massages and to get our nails done.” You swoon. “And I think we’re going to the tapas place.”

“That’ll be great!”

“I still can’t believe it’s been almost a year since you convinced me to go out with a complete stranger.”

“I know! I spent so much time talkin’ him up to yeh, and you never showed any interest. No choice but to be blunt.”

//

“Alright, you talk about this girl all the time. You’ve talked about her for almost two bloody years! Ask her the fuck out already!” Harry slurs over drinks with Niall at their favorite bar.

“S’not like that, mate. Don’t want her in that way. She’s just my good friend…although…I think maybe she’d fancy you.”

“Lots of girls fancy me.” He smirks.

“You’re annoyin’.” Harry bursts out laughing.

“Okay, okay…why do you think she’d fancy me?”

“I don’t know exactly, you just seem like her type.” He shrugs. “I can’t really explain it, Harr, I could just see it.”

“Will yeh finally show me a picture of her? I’m not doin’ another blind date.”

“Alright, fine, why not?” Niall took his phone out to show Harry some pictures of you. “Here’s a selfie we took when we went out to the beach a week or so ago.” Niall handed Harry his phone.

Harry’s eyes popped out of his head. You were smiling big, and you could really see your freckles. Your arm was around Niall’s shoulders and you could just see the cleavage from your bathing suit top.

“Holy shit…” Harry looks back up at Niall. “And you’ve seriously never hooked up with her?”

“Nope. She’s literally just my friend.”

“Her smile is…beautiful.” He looks back down at the photo and smiles. “Do you have one of just her?”

“Let me look on her Facebook.” Niall takes his phone back. “Oh! Here’s one from our company party a few months ago.” He hands him back his phone.

You were wearing a strapless blue dress with your hair in a nice bun. Yup, he thought you were breathtaking.

“Tell me again, why have you never brought her around?”

“She’s been at my holiday party the last two years…you just never noticed.”

“Or you just never introduced us.”

“You still just sort of hook up with girls, I didn’t wanna bring up you two meeting until I knew you were sort of over that…you seem like you are, so…” He takes a sip of his drink. “I’m sort of protective of her too…”

“I get it, I know I can be an asshole.” He smirks. “I swear I’m over all that…” He scrolls past some other photos. “When was this?”

“Oh! Her best friend got married, she didn’t wanna go stag, so she asked me to go with her. It was a lot of fun.”

“She’s so…pretty.”

“Yeah. Plus it doesn’t hurt that she has a nice personality too. She’s really smart, funny, all things you’d want…she’s an incredible friend. She’d drop anything to help, and half the time you don’t even have to ask.”

“Alright, can I have her number?” Harry starts to scroll through Niall’s contacts, but Niall snatches his phone back.

“I can’t just give some random dude her number.”

“But I’m not just some random dude.”

“To me…but to her…look, I haven’t even talked about you to her…let me see if she’d be into it, okay?”

“Sure, but I’m gonna keep buggin’ yeh until you make it happen.” He smirks.

****

You and Niall were hanging out at his place, getting ready to watch Bachelor in Paradise. He hands you a bowl of popcorn, and you snuggle up next to him.

“So, who do you think is going to hook up tonight, I think-“

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“When was the last time you went on a real date?” Your face falls. That was sort of a loaded question. “Was it…Jake?”

“I’ve been out a few times, but obviously no second dates. Why?” Your eyes grow wide and you inch away from him. “Wait, you’re not like asking me out are you?”

“What?! No!” He laughs. “Not that, that would be funny, I bet you’re super fun to date.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I just mean, we’re friends, and I like being just friends.”

“Me too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Anyways, have I ever mentioned my mate Harry to you?”

“Maybe a few times. I know you hung out with him over the weekend.”

“Yeah! We had drinks for the first time in a while.”

“Cool.”

“So…he’s a really great guy. I think you’d like him. He’s single, and so are you-“

“No.”

“Come on, Y/N.”

“I don’t wanna do a blind date. My parents met on a blind date, and look at how well that worked out.” Niall can’t help but laugh.

“Harry is nothin’ like your dad. He’s really nice, a true sweetheart.”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, he said he’d go out with you.”

“He did?!”

“I talk about you enough.” He blushes. “He said he was interested.”

“I’ll have to think about it…is that okay?”

“Sure.” He shrugs and throws an arm around you.

***

Over the next several weeks, Niall kept dropping hints that Harry wanted to meet you. Harry couldn’t stop thinking about you, and he hadn’t even met you yet. He really wanted to get to know the beautiful girl that was in his friend’s life.

“Niall,” You sigh. “Why are you bringing up Harry all of a sudden? I mean, I’ve known you for almost two years.”

“Well, after your last break up, I honestly didn’t think you’d ever want to look at another man.” He shyly told you in the break room one day.

“Will you at least show me a picture of him?”

“Nope, want this to be a true blind date.”

“You’re annoying.”

“I’ll set everything up for the both of ya, and if it goes well then you can both take it from there.”

“That’s if I even agree.”

***

“Ask her if she’s free this Saturday.” Harry says to Niall on Tuesday night as they play video games. “I feel like she’s gettin’ closer to sayin’ yes.”

“What exactly do you want to do with her?”

“I’d just like to take her to a nice dinner.” He shrugs. “Think she’d like that?”

“She’d love it!”

“Figured that would be a chill way to meet, you know?”

“Yeah, takes a little of the pressure off.”

“I’ll ask her at work tomorrow.”

***

“What are you doing this Saturday night?” He asked you Wednesday morning, handing you a coffee. You each took turns buying coffee for the other. Today was his turn.

“Um, I think I was just going to binge watch something on Netflix. Why?”

“Harry was wondering if you’d be interested in dinner.”

“Oh he was?” You raise an eyebrow, and take a sip of your coffee.

“Yes, well I nudged him a little, but I’ve told him a lot about you and he’s very interested.” You blush at the thought.

“Well, I’m definitely free for dinner. Where was he thinking?”

//

“Well, obviously I’m glad I agreed.” You giggle.

“Didja get him anythin’ or is the spa day part if it?”

“It’s our gift to each other. He’s spent so much on me for my birthday, so I told him I didn’t want anything else. Was he always like that? So extravagant?”

“Not really.” Niall tries to think about it. “I mean, he loves surprisin’ people…and he really likes makin’ people smile. Never seen him do it all for a girlfriend before.” Niall takes a sip of his water. “Y/N, there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to put a smile on your face. I feel like I’ve been sayin’ this from the beginning, but I’ve never seen him like this before. You’ve really changed his entire life, all for the better.”

“He’s changed mine too. I never thought I’d be lucky enough to be this happy.”

//

Saturday morning you woke up far too excited for the day ahead, but you couldn’t help it. This was the longest relationship you had ever been in. An entire year with the perfect guy. You look at him, he looks so peaceful while he sleeps. You shift to straddle him and you kiss him all over his face. He smiles without opening his eyes. His hands move up to grip your hips.

“Good morning.” You coo.

“Mornin’, angel.”

“Wanna see the video I made you? Well, for us, but it’s mostly for you.”

“I’d love to.” His eyes flutter open.

“If you’re still too tired we can wait…”

“Nope, wanna see it now.”

He sits up and you grab your phone. He throws his arm around you and you pull the video up.

“I haven’t posted this anywhere yet, it’s just for the two of us…”

“Alright.” He kisses your temple.

You hit play, and You’ve Made Me So Very Happy by Blood Sweat & Tears starts playing in the background. Harry tries to play it cool, but he was internally screaming. You pause it quick.

“I feel like this is sort of our song…we listened to it on the way up to get Buster. We both really liked it…”

“It’s great, it’s, uh, definitely our song.” He smiles and taps play again.

Throughout the song there’s pictures and videos of the two of you over the last year. There were so many good memories. You both giggled at some of the things, especially the pictures from Halloween. When it ends, you look up at Harry whose eyes are glossy.

“That was…really somethin’.” He chuckles and wipes his eyes. “You’re really good at making those.” He cups your cheek. “Happy one year.”

“Happy one year.” You lean up and kiss him. “I couldn’t wait to show you, I’ve been putting it together for awhile. I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Can we watch it again?”

“Mhm.” You beam at him as happy tears come to your eyes. “I’m gonna go make us a big breakfast. I got that vegan bacon we both like.” You kiss him quick and get out of bed.

You throw on one of his t-shirts, and a clean pair of his boxers, and head out to the kitchen. Buster yips at you, and you throw your sneakers on to take him out quick. Harry gets up and finds you in the kitchen making his favorite banana pancakes.

“You know, this day is for the both of us, not just me.” He chuckles.

“I know, but I wanted to do this for you, and we haven’t made this for breakfast in forever.” You flip a pancake over.

Harry grabs the pure maple syrup from the fridge and sets it on the counter. He looks you up down. He wasn’t sure what it was about you wearing his boxers that always turned him on so much. Maybe it was the way they sort of bunched up around the tops of your thighs so he could really see the curve of your ass. He opens the syrup bottle and dips his finger in to have a taste. He loved real maple syrup.

“Give me some.” You open your mouth and smirks as he puts more on his finger. You suck the syrup off. “Mm, that’s so good.”

“You know where I’d really like to put this?”

“All over your pancakes?” You put the last pancake on the plate and turn the burner off.

“No…well, yes eventually, but not right this second.”

“But they’ll get cold…”

Harry sighs and turns the ‘Keep Warm’ burner on, and sticks the plate on top of it, along with the bacon.

“Take your shirt off.”

“What?”

“Actually, that’s my shirt, so take it off.”

You swallow hard and take the shirt off, resting it on the island. Harry grins and grabs the bottle of syrup. Your nipples were already pebbled from the cool air in the room. He dips his finger back into the syrup and spreads it onto both of your nipples.

“Now I’m all sticky.” You pout playfully.

“Let’s see how we can fix that, hm?”

Harry lifts you up onto the island, and he stands between your legs. His lips wrap around one of your nipples and sucks on it. Your breath hitches as you hear him moan.

“Mm, so sweet.” He mumbles as he moves to the other one. He sucks it off with a pop and look at you. “Let’s make a mess.”

“What do you mean?” You giggle.

“I mean, I’m going to get this all over you and lay you down on the island, and then I’m gonna fuck you.”

“Oh.” You nod. “Alright then.”

You and Harry end up on the floor in the kitchen, naked, covered in sticky syrup, and giggling. You had brought the pancakes and bacon down to the floor with you.

“Mm, you did a great job with these.” Harry says, biting into the pancake.

“You certainly worked up quite the appetite.” You feed him a piece of bacon and he nips at the pad of your thumb.

“What time do we need to be at the spa?”

“At eleven, we’re getting massages first, and then our nails.” He hums his response.

“What time is it now?”

“Around nine.”

“Jesus, why did we get up so early?” He chuckles.

“Because we just couldn’t wait to love on each other.” You both giggle.

Buster comes over and you both have to sit up so he doesn’t lick at any extra syrup on either of you.

“This really was a good breakfast, thank you.” He gives you a bacon filled kiss, and stands up. He reaches his hand out and helps you up. “Come on, we need to shower before getting over there.”

“Oh, you didn’t want oil all mixed up with sticky syrup?” You ask sarcastically.

“Don’t think that’s the move.” He chuckles.

You both get into the shower, and wash each other up. You throw some leggings and a tank top on, and Harry gets dressed in some shorts and a t-shirt.

“Be a good boy Buster. Mummy and Daddy will be back later.” You say to him, and out the two of you go.

//

You and Harry check in to the spa and wait to be called in. You’re given robes and slippers. You get called in and you both are given a minute to undress.

“Shit…”

“What?”

“I really fucked up your back this morning.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry…you would think after all this time I would’ve learned to-“

“It’s fine, babe. I’m sure they’ve seen stuff like this before.”

You give him a reassuring smile and get under the blanket on the massage table. It was so relaxing, and something you both really needed. You had both talked about getting massages again pretty much right after you had gotten them the first time. When it’s done you both sit in a light room and wait to be called in for your pedicures.

“You enjoyed it?” He asks you.

“Mhm, it was wonderful.”

“I wanna give you a massage like that sometime.”

“Maybe I wanna give you one.”

“We could take turns.”

“Deal.” You lean on his shoulder.

“Would love to get you all oiled up like that, bur completely naked.”

“Oh, Harry.” You nudge him.

You get called in for your pedicures. You loved doing these things with him. It was so special and intimate. He held your hand the whole time, and you end up choosing the same color for your toes. It was a nice pastel pink that you both loved.

For your manicure, you go for a nice blue with a silver-glittery accent nail on your ring fingers. You made sure to get the shellac so it would last longer. Harry got a light yellow.

“Let’s make an appointment for you and your Nan for when she comes.” He says as you’re both paying.

“Oh, she’d like that. And two weeks from now would be a good time to get these redone, especially my toes.”

You make an appointment for the Friday evening she would be getting there. You figure after work it would be nice to get your nails done and go to dinner with her. Harry would be picking her up from the airport.

Harry knew how important it was to a lot of girls to make sure they had their nails done after they were engaged so when they posted pictures of the rings, everything would look nice. He didn’t know if you’d care that much, but he thought it would be nice for you to have fresh polish on for when it happens.

//

You pull your little black dress out that you wore on your first date after you’ve done your hair and makeup.

“Harry!”

He was out in the living room waiting for you. He looked so handsome. He had a blue silk shirt on with some tan slacks. He goes into the bedroom and he stops short.

“Need some help zipping this up.” You look over your shoulder at him smile.

He grins and comes in to zip it up. He lingers for a moment. He knew this dress all too well. You turn around to look at him and he wraps his arms around you.

“You look so beautiful.”

“Thanks, so do you.” You smile and kiss him.

“I fed Buster and took him out, so he should be good to go.”

“Alright, let’s hit it.”

You get to the tapas place and are seated after giving your reservation name. This time around you split some chickpea fries, cauliflower fritters, and a couple of other small items. You also each order a seltzer with a lime.

“A whole year.” You say as you clink your glass with his.

“Best year of my life, honestly.”

“Mine too.” He holds your hand across the table and squeezes it.

All of your food gets brought over, and you dig in. It’s delicious, you two really need to come here more often.

“Can I ask, what made you wanna bring me here for our first date?”

“I just thought it was a nice, yet chill place. Thought it would be a little more intimate sharin’ dishes. It would give us somethin’ to talk about in case things were…awkward at first.” He smirks.

“Could you imagine if we literally had nothing to talk about other than food?” You laugh. “So boring.”

“I’m very glad you had a personality.” He laughs too. “I remember I was excited to finally be meetin’ yeh. When Niall finally told me you said yes, I was thrilled. I needed to meet the pretty girl from the photos I was shown.”

“Ahh, so it was all about looks for you.” You smirk.

“And Niall told me about how great you were. Needed to see it for myself, really.”

The waiter brings over a small cake made for two people, and a single candle in it. You both blow it out at the same time.

“Mm, I love lemon.” You say as you bite into it.

“I know.” He smiles. “Think it’s one of the few sweets we agree on.”

//

“Would you kill me if I got you somethin’?” Harry asks as you drive home.

“Harry…”

“I just couldn’t help myself…I saw this perfume at the mall and thought you might like it.” He lists the center console and grabs a small box from it. “Here, see if you like it.”

“You always do this.” You smile. “And because I knew you would, I got you a little something too.” You open the box and give it a smell. “Oh! Apples.”

“It reminded me of your shampoo a bit.”

“Mm, definitely.” You lean across and kiss him on the cheek. “I love it, thank you.” You spritz some onto your wrists and rub them together. You reach into your purse and pull out a card. “You’ll want to make sure the car is parked.”

He nods and gets the both of you home. He turns the car off and taps the light so it’s bright enough for him to see. He takes the card from you. His jaw drops when two tickets slide out.

“How…when…are you serious?!” He was in complete and udder shock.

“You’ll need to close the studio for the time you’re away. And before you say anything, I’m not the one going with you.”

“Who else would I go see the Packers with?”

“Louis.”

“What?”

“I spoke with him about all this, he thinks it would be great for the two of you.”

“I can’t believe you got me tickets to see a real Packers game! I mean, I’ve only been able to see them on TV….” He smiles and then furrows his brows at you. “This is way more expensive than-“

“And I got you a plane ticket already. You’ll need to pack extra warm. That game is at the beginning of November, and it’ll be even colder in Wisconsin.”

“Y/N.”

“You got me practically front row seats to see one of my favorite artists for my birthday, and then proceeded to buy my grandmother a round-trip ticket for her to come up here. The game tickets themselves weren’t that expensive, especially since I got them so early. And I got a pretty decent fare for the flight.”

“But…this isn’t something we can even do together, I mean-“

“Harry.” You put your hand on his shoulder. “Happy anniversary.”

“Thank you.”

He opens up the glove compartment and sticks the card inside for safe keeping.

“I can’t believe…I mean…this is one of the most thoughtful things anyone’s ever done for me.” He smiles.

“I’d do anything to see that smile on your face.”

You both get out of the car, and head upstairs. Buster yips at the two of you.

“I know, we weren’t home a lot today, baby, I’m sorry.”

You both rub his belly before sending him off to his bed. Harry gets his hands on you and unzips your dress. You giggle as it falls to the floor. You unbutton the few buttons he actually used on the shirt and push it off his shoulders.

He cups your cheeks and kisses you. He swipes his tongue over your bottom lip, and you open up for him. He needed to taste you. Your tongue molds to his. You undo his pants and he steps out of them. He walks you back to the bed and you both fall onto it.

“God, I can’t wait to fuck you.” He says against your lips and you smile.

“You fucked me twice this morning.”

“Wasn’t enough.”

He kisses on your neck and dips his hand inside your panties. He runs his fingers up and down your slit to get you wet. You reach behind yourself to unhook your bra. He tugs it away for you. He leaves wet kisses between your two breasts.

“Paying a lot of attention to the girls today.” You giggle.

“The girls?” He laughs.

“The girls, the twins…a lot of people refer to their boobs like that.”

“Well, that’s just what I’ll call ‘em from now on. I can come home from work and ask how my girls are.”

He starts kneading both of them and you moan softly. He tweaks your nipple piercings and you let out a louder groan. He tugs your panties all the way off you and opens your legs up. Two of his fingers slip inside while he sucks on your clit. Your head rolls back against the pillow as your hips buck up towards him. He was knuckles deep and making the come here motion over and over.

“Just like that babe, so good.” You moan.

He sucks on your clit harder while he pumps in and out of you. You grip his hair causing him to groan against against you. Your legs start shaking and he uses his other hand to keep them open. You release on his fingers, and he sucks them into his mouth after he retracts them.

“Wanna ride you.”

“Yeah? Wanna bounce up and down on my dick?”

“So bad.”

He sits up against the headboard and you straddle him. You line yourself up and sink down on him. His hands slide down to the globes of your ass and he starts to move you on him. You wrap your arms around his shoulders and sink your nails into his skin. Your mouth finds his and his tongue slips into your mouth. You both had a great rhythm going. He loved when you would almost lift all the way off and slam back down on him while he thrusts up into you. He nips at your jaw, then to your neck, sucking where he pleases. One of your hand slides to his neck, and you wrap it around his throat lightly. He groans as you apply a little pressure.

You use your other hand to rub your clit as he continues to thrust up into you. You both were very close. His thrusts were getting sloppier. As your release comes you loosen your grip on his throat, and hide your face in the crook of his neck. Your teeth sink into his skin as he takes full control.

I can’t wait to have this for the rest of my life. He thinks to himself. That thought alone was enough to have his come shooting up inside you. You groan as you feel him fill you up. He rests his forehead against yours as you both catch your breaths. He cups your cheek with one his hands and kisses you.

“I love you so much, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Harry. Happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary.”

You hug for a few minutes and then you get off of him. You both go through your nightly routines.

“Harry…”

“Yeah?”

“What if Buster slept with us tonight? Just for tonight…we were barely with him all day, and-“

“Buster!” Harry calls for him and he comes trotting into the bedroom. “Wanna sleep with mummy and daddy tonight? Haven’t loved yeh enough today, have we?” He yips and jumps up on the bed.

You giggle and get into bed with Harry. Buster lays at the both of your feet and Harry throws an arm around you. You loved your life so much. You had no idea so much could change in a year, and you were incredibly grateful. This was the first relationship you ever had like this. Not only had you never lived with a guy before, but you had never been in a relationship this long. You were with the person you were supposed to be with, and you couldn’t happier. You wondered what the next year with Harry would hold.

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[itsybitsyspiderling]

the last living part of you

Summary: A few years after Tony's death, Peter realizes that no one is ever truly gone. And Tony personally made sure of that himself.

Word Count: 4.8k

also on ao3! 

On the eve of Peter’s eighteenth birthday, he wandered up to a roof and sat there for hours. He counted every plane, every car, and every dog that passed by. A cool breeze carried wisps of hair away from his forehead while he rubbed his eyes dry. He didn’t want tomorrow to come. He didn’t want to blink his childhood away, not when he had already spent the past four years of his life wishing to be someone else. Peter wanted to feel like a kid for one more day.

He tugged on his mask and sighed into the material. Hot breath brushed his cheeks as his heads-up display came to life around him.

“Good evening, Peter,” Karen spoke sweetly. “What’s on the agenda for tonight?”

“Nothing,” he said. His tone fell low, almost atmospheric while the city lights stole his attention. “No danger for tonight. I don’t really wanna die right before my birthday. That’d suck.”

“Of course,” she replied. “We wouldn’t want that. Happy early birthday, Peter. Would you like me to sing you a song?”

Peter let out a breathy laugh. “No, please, no. Just––thank you, Karen. I appreciate it. Thank you for always being here for me.” He kept his hands clasped together in his lap. They were comfortable that way, and he was afraid that if he let go, he would want to climb up walls and swing down empty avenues. He wanted to sit as still as possible. And for as long as possible.

“I will always be here for you, Peter,” Karen said. “Is everything all right? Your heart rate is low.”

He took a breath. He could talk to her; he knew that he could, but there was something holding him back. Once he said his thoughts aloud, then that meant they were true. “I’m not ready for tomorrow,” he answered. “It’s––it’s not like any other birthday, you know? I’ll be eighteen. It’s just––” Peter shut his eyes. “I don’t wanna move on yet. I don’t wanna start another life. I-I just wish he was here.”

When Peter opened his eyes again, his vision had glazed over. He couldn’t wipe his tears, so tilted his chin toward the sky.

“Two years,” he whispered, inhaling sharply until his lungs ached. Exhale slowly. Count to ten. And again. “It’s been two years. And it still doesn’t feel real. I really thought I’d get to this point with him, you know? I think that’s why I’m not ready for tomorrow. We kept talkin’ about where I’d go to school. We talked about things like that. He joked about me never being allowed to drink on his watch, even when I turn twenty-one. But then he’d talk about being there with me to celebrate it. He acted like he had our entire life planned out as if––as if we were father and son. I’m just not ready to face tomorrow, Karen. I don’t know what to do.”

“Tomorrow is a big day.”

Peter looked down at his hands. “Yeah,” he said. “It is.”

“Your friends and family are excited to spend it with you,” Karen continued. “Pepper Potts has asked me to extend an invitation to you and your aunt for lunch tomorrow. She says she figured you might have dinner plans but that she’d love to see you.”

“Really?” Peter sat up a little straighter. “She did?”

“She also wanted me to tell you that Morgan misses you.”

He smiled to himself. “I miss her, too. Could you tell Miss Potts that I’ll be there?”

“Of course, Peter.”

He slid the mask off after that. The sounds of the city seemed to grow louder at night, but he enjoyed the ambiance. He didn’t want to go off to school, not yet. Through the years, Peter had lost sight of home. He struggled to understand what it meant, whether it was concrete or abstract, especially when it came to his life. And he was afraid to leave the one place––the one piece of home––he had left.

He didn’t have much family beyond May. But he had Tony’s family. Peter still had tomorrow.

And when tomorrow rolled around, Peter had forgotten about his night spent on the rooftop. He was engrossed in the deep green foliage on the drive upstate. He was captivated by May’s off-key singing and the comfort of the new sweater she bought for him. Lastly, he felt loved. He felt like he belonged somewhere. It was natural.

Pepper prepared a lemongrass chicken for lunch, and Morgan gifted him one of the finest bracelets out of her handmade collection. He swore he was never going to lose it or take it off. After that, they played with superhero action figures until Pepper called them for lunch––Peter got to be Iron Man because Morgan insisted on being Spider-Man, and he would never say no to her. He was going to spoil her at any moment he could.

He still couldn’t believe he had his own action figure. It was too good to be true.

Everything felt good too—he had forgotten it was even his birthday. Everything was perfect and peaceful, and then Pepper suggested that Peter spend some time in Tony’s old workshop.

Peter had only been there twice before, but never for long. He found it too difficult to use the same tools his old mentor once had—instruments were left untouched as they collected dust, only for Peter to disrupt them with his sticky fingers.

So, when he stepped into the workshop for a third time, he promised himself that he wouldn’t leave. He breathed in the stale air, watched the lights flicker over every shiny object that screamed Tony’s name, and strolled around slowly. Life had once been in that room. A life that lived for five years after Peter was believed to be gone. It was a man who carried on, who, for once, set his suffering aside to abide by his own terms. Tony restarted his life in this room.

Peter felt wrong there. Like every step he took was trespassing on sacred territory. Tony’s workshop was a sanctuary. And Peter didn’t belong there, not anymore.

He memorized every inch of the place. He imagined Tony leaned over a workbench, soldering iron in hand while his wrists cramped from constant use. He imagined the stack of empty coffee cups by the sink and the unread emails piling up while he promised himself that he would read them (he never would). Peter imagined the two of them together, silent communication with spared glances as they worked on their suits for hours on end. It was sad to imagine that it would never happen again.

Finally, Peter allowed himself to find a sense of comfort. He spent an hour or two repairing old armor that had been left in rags, and he even considered trying it on for a change. But he couldn’t bring himself to get that far.

When his hands grew tired, Peter sat at Tony’s desk. Once again, it was a place he didn’t belong, but Peter didn’t want to move. Tony always knew how to pick out the best––and the comfiest—chairs.

“FRIDAY,” Peter spoke suddenly. “You there?”

“Hello, Mister Parker,” she greeted. “It’s been quite a long time. What can I do for you?”

Peter huffed. “Man, that’s a loaded question.” He thought for a moment and tapped his fingers along the desk. The glass monitors in front of him had collected a thick coat of dust, so he wiped them off with his sleeve. “Is there––ew gross––is there any way I’m able to get into these babies?”

“You have access to everything in Tony Stark’s public and private databases.”

Peter’s jaw went slack. “You’re serious?”

“Very serious.”

“Holy shit,” he muttered, watching the screens light up in a familiar blue glow. It really did feel like his birthday after all. “I don’t even know where to begin. Could I see all of the Iron Man files?”

“Would you like me to open all 3,406 Iron Man files?”

“Oh, crap, no,” said Peter. He hardly knew where to keep his eyes; the utter awe and excitement he felt had grown more than he wanted to admit. “That’s a lot of files. Just show me my options and then we’ll go from there.”

“Sure thing.”

As it turned out, three thousand files hardly compared to the extensive list of unfinished projects Tony kept stored. Peter had stumbled upon at least a hundred prototype designs of his first Spider-Man suit––along with a hefty load of new additions he’d never see with his own eyes. Among Tony’s files were outdated weapons tech that had never met the light of day once Iron Man was born. Peter felt undeserving of all of this information.

The folders with funky titles caught his eye the most. They always ended up being something with little substance, like an embedded link or a two-second video of a gauntlet combusting. Both folders were titled “Fuck this shit”.

And then Peter came across a folder called “My brain (Literally). Do not open”. So, obviously, he opened it.

FRIDAY's voice spoke loud and clear: “Now transferring file #616-3 to Peter Parker.”

Peter raised an eyebrow. None of the other files had done that. “What’s that mean, FRIDAY?”

But she didn’t answer. Instead, the only sound echoing through the room was a tiny beep coming from a distant workbench. He followed the sound, eventually finding that the source was some new design for a web-shooter. Peter held it close, examined the blinking red dot underneath, and pressed it.

A low buzzing filled the room as a holographic stream fluttered in front of him. Slowly, the lasers began to define the shape of a figure, and Peter assumed that he had blacked out after that.

He blinked once, then twice, and many more times after. He simply couldn’t believe his eyes. Staring right back at him was Tony Stark––but he was a goddamn force ghost.

“Whoa, whoa, okay––” Peter set the web-shooter onto the workbench behind him, yet the hologram didn’t budge. “FRIDAY, what is this?”

“The file says ‘do not open’, kid,” spoke the holographic Tony, and Peter thought he was about to throw up. It even sounded like Tony. It moved like him, too.

And then the realization hit. This was an AI.

Tony shrugged. “But, I guess, what did I expect?” he continued. His voice sounded metallic, almost static-like, but it was still him. “Maybe I wanted you to open it. Well, I guess I should explain. Once upon a time, I was bored and found a way to reconstruct my entire physical form as a holographic entity. Like a piece of cake. And not only that, I was able to transcribe every little darn thing about me into computer code to preserve my memories, knowledge, and, dare I say it, my boisterous personality which everyone loves so dearly. So, all-in-all, hi, I’m Tony Stark. Well, his essence.”

“I’m gonna shit my pants,” Peter whispered.

“Please don’t do that. That’s disgusting.”

He wanted to fall to his knees. It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real––but it was. It wasn’t a person, it wasn’t alive. It was a bright blue hologram that spoke and behaved exactly like Tony Stark, and Peter felt sick to his stomach.

The panic began in his jaw. Trembling and aching while his eyes refused to believe what they saw. His throat tightened after that, and once the pressure crawled down into his lungs, Peter couldn’t hold back the threatening sobs. He did end up falling to his knees, but only because he couldn’t breathe.

He pressed his shaking hands down onto the cold floor while his vision darkened. Everything had become numb, and he wasn’t sure he could hear his own wheezing anymore.

“S-shit, I-I can’t––” Peter tried to sit himself up, knees pulled to his chest while he struggled to even his breathing. A snake had wrapped itself around his lungs. “I can’t breathe––I can’t breathe.”

The blueish glow of the AI reflected off of the floor tiles as it neared Peter. When he looked back up, Tony had knelt down in front of him. Even his suit seemed to wrinkle. But it wasn’t real.

“Whoa, there, Pete,” Tony said, “it’s okay.”

Peter could hear his heartbeat thudding in his ears. He glanced down at his lap.

“Hey, look at me.”

Peter looked back up at the AI.

Tony smiled. “You’re okay. Deep breaths now. Ready?”

Peter nodded, swallowing thickly.

“Inhale.”

As best as he could, he took a long, deep, shaking breath in.

“Exhale slowly. Count to ten.”

He let out the breath. One… two… three…

“And again.”

They sat there for a few minutes while Peter calmed down. The numbness faded, and while his lungs ached, they no longer felt restricted. He could feel his muscles slowly begin to relax. And he soon realized that Tony had placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

But he still couldn’t feel a thing. The touch wasn’t there.

Peter stretched his legs out in front of him as Tony finally sat down. “He––he––Tony made you for me?”

“Yeah, well.” The AI shrugged. “I wasn’t really made for intended use. Technically, you’re supposed to be dead.”

Peter sighed and dug his fingernails into the denim of his jeans. “I was,” he said. “But that was years ago.” Further thoughts nagged at his brain, but he couldn’t find the right words. He let them sit at the tip of his tongue.

But, despite not being a physical existence, Tony seemed to know exactly what Peter wanted to say.

“Kid,” Tony said softly, eyes sad and warm.

“You’re dead, Mister Stark,” Peter stated abruptly. “You’re––you’re the one who’s dead.”

“I know.”

“You know?” Peter asked. He didn’t like that he could see right through Tony.

Tony nodded. “That’s what I’m here for,” he said. “I was made for this. I wouldn’t be here if I was alive.”

Peter didn’t like the sound of that. He had accepted Tony’s death long ago; he hadn’t expected to see him, let alone talk to him again. Peter was sad, but he was angry. Angry that Tony had decided that his presence was too precious to let die. Angry that he couldn’t let Peter move on.

He swallowed down the rising anger and asked, “when did he make you?”

“Uh, 2018,” Tony answered. “Oh, hey, it’s your birthday, innit? Happy birthday, kid. Consider me a birthday gift from me.”

Peter rolled his eyes and cracked a smile. He didn’t have the energy to be mad. Tony wasn’t alive anymore; he didn’t deserve it.

“Whatever you need, Pete,” the AI spoke, “you always got me. I was made for you.”

Peter’s smile grew a little bigger. “Thank you, Mister Stark.”

The sounds of shoes coming down the stairs stole their focus away from the moment. Peter glanced over at Tony with wide eyes.

“Peter?” It was May.

Peter scrambled to his feet and ran toward the workbench behind him. His fingers shook as he searched for the button to turn off Tony's ghostcomp. Just as the hologram flickered away, May entered the workshop.

“Are you okay if we––whoa, this place is––” May gazed around at the handsome technology surrounding her. “––intense. Like Disneyland for you. Is that one of your web-shooters?”

Peter set the device back onto the table and nodded. “Y-yeah. It’s not finished, though. Prototype.”

“Well, take it with you, and then you can work on it at home,” said May.

But, Peter shook his head. “No,” he said, walking towards her. He looked back over at the spot where Tony once stood. “I think I’m gonna leave it here.”

___

“Finally. It’s about time. Ten thousand years can give you such a crick in the neck.”

“You know Aladdin?”

“Do you know exactly how many movie premieres I’ve been to, Pete?”

Peter chuckled. He had come home from college for winter break. What had been Tony’s old home sat like a relic, one Peter could hardly stand to touch, yet it was well-lived and full of his life, his legacy. Pepper and Morgan treated him as though he had always been a part of their family. It was time for him to make use of the family he had.

And, he couldn’t deny that all he wanted to do was lock himself away in Tony’s workshop and just talk.

To a being that didn’t even exist.

“I don’t mean to be rude, Mister Stark,” Peter began that afternoon, “but you should have made yourself into another Vision. And then you could at least help me out.”

“Yeah, but I really like doing nothing and just watching you,” said the AI, hands stuffing deep into his hypothetical pockets. “You’re doing that wrong.”

Peter looked down at the Spider-Man suit that he’d peeled open to access the inner subsystems. Truth be told, he had no idea what he was doing. Ever. He spent the past two years in constant trial and error over his suits, all because Tony wasn't there to help him. And now Tony was there, and he wasn’t helping him.

“You’re a terrible AI,” Peter mumbled.

“Now that just hurts my feelings.”

“You could at least tell me what to do.”

“I could.”

Peter rolled his eyes, but he kept it as hidden as possible. “Why am I not shocked that Tony created you just to be as much of an asshole as he was?”

The Tony AI pretended to gasp. “Cuts deep. But don’t forget the Class-A narcissism.”

“How could I ever forget that?”

“You’re surely on a sarcasm frenzy today,” he said. “Anything on your mind?” Tony folded his arms and leaned against a table. It looked almost realistic–– minus the blue, ghostly tint.

Peter shook his head. It was still odd to see Tony that way, and it was also comforting all the while. It was like he had him back but not quite. While it was Tony, it also wasn’t. He didn’t exist anymore.

“I’m not convinced,” the AI muttered. He had every vocal inflection and physical mannerism that Tony did, which bothered Peter the most.

“No, nothing’s wrong.”

“I didn’t ask if anything was wrong,” said Tony. “I asked if anything was on your mind.”

Peter shrugged. He didn’t look up as he carried on maneuvering the wires in his suit. “Nothing is on my mind. And nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Maybe I just wanna be sarcastic today.” He glanced back over at the AI and sighed. “Could you just help me. Please?”

A disheartened expression washed over Tony, one Peter hadn’t seen before. He nodded. “Yeah, sorry. Sure thing, kiddo.”

“And, I’m not a kid anymore,” Peter mumbled. “I’m an adult.”

“Nope, sorry,” Tony said, “you’ll always be my kid.” He cracked a grin and reached out his hand. Peter believed it was to ruffle his hair like his mentor used to do, but the realization quickly hit, and Tony pulled away. And he looked sad about it.

While the afternoon dragged on like normal, there was an unspoken feeling hanging in the air. Tony knew that Peter wished he was real, and Tony wished he was real, too.

___

Peter had planned on stopping by the workshop on his nineteenth birthday, but he never got the chance. The night before, he spent eleven hours stuck in his suit because he didn’t want to go home––the summer dragged, and not even Spider-Man could save it. On his birthday, he let May take him into the city for a peaceful day out, but his senses never allowed him to relax. Peter didn’t think about the AI he kept hidden away upstate.

He never took Tony with him, but he’d thought about it over a dozen times. Somehow, it felt wrong. It felt wrong to remove him from a place that Tony belonged. Even though he had been created for Peter––even though the system had been crafted into his own web-shooter––it still didn’t feel like it. Maybe it never would.

“Believe it or not,” said Tony, “I do miss you when you’re not around.”

Peter wanted to laugh and roll his eyes at the hint of sarcasm, but he couldn’t. He lacked energy. He wished he was home.

“What do you do when I’m not here?” Peter asked, gaze lingering on the blueprints of his brand new suit. Well, it wasn’t necessarily brand new, but after falling from a building only for a tree to catch his fall, there were too many snags and tears to sew up. So, he figured he would take the time to add a few improvements.

“I’m just ones and zeros, Pete. I don’t do anything.”

Peter frowned. “Yeah, sorry.” He minimized the blueprints and sat down at the desk with a long sigh. “Why’d Mister Stark even bother making you, then?” Peter mumbled aloud, rubbing two fingers along the bridge of his nose. “You just stand there and talk. What’s the point in having you if you can’t even help?”

“Pete––”

“No!” Peter suddenly exclaimed. A fit of newfound anger had boiled over. “I’m––I’m so annoyed that he thought he was being so clever with you when all he did was make a shitty version of himself. I’m tired of you just standing there. I’m tired of you just telling me what to do. You can’t help. You’re not him, so there’s no purpose. Like you said, you’re just ones and zeros. You’re just a stupid code.”

The AI barely moved; for a moment, Peter assumed that he had shut him down with his words.

“You’re right,” he uttered with a shrug. “I’m useless. Just a code.” Tony walked over and sat on the desk, his movements disrupting the hologram while his legs disappeared briefly. He used to be alive. He used to have a real body. “But honestly, Tony didn’t make me to be another Tony.”

Peter titled his chin up, but his frown didn’t budge. “What do you mean?” he asked lowly.

“I’m a ghostcomp,” Tony said. “A ghost-on-a-chip. I was made in case Tony died, but I’m not a replacement. He figured that his death would be too sudden. He figured he’d had to leave just as fast as you left him. He wanted to make sure you had something at least a little concrete.”

“He made you because he knew that I’d miss him?” Peter sat up, eyebrows furrowing. “That’s bullshit.”

“I don’t think he was ready to say goodbye either, kiddo.”

Peter shook his head. “Stop. Please.”

“The real reason––” Tony began as stood. He walked over to where his hologram was being projected from. The web-shooter. “––is that I was designed to be a helping hand when you’re in the suit. Technically, you’re not using me the way Tony wanted you to.”

“I don’t care,” Peter said. “I don’t want you in the suit.”

Tony looked at him. His expression was unreadable. It was like the words had hurt his feelings, but he didn’t have the right programming to emote them. He nodded. “That’s fair. It’s your choice.”

And Peter nodded, too. Slowly, he rose to his feet and walked over to where the holographic Tony stood. Peter tugged his hands into his sleeves. “I’m gonna go see if Morgan wants to hang out,” he mumbled. “See you later, Mister Stark.”

Tony’s lips tightened into a weak smile. “See you later, Mister Parker.”

___

Peter was ready to go back to school. A few days after his twentieth birthday, he kept his mind busy and his muscles burning as he swung up to White Plains. He hitched rides from there on out, and Pepper always greeted him on the porch with a pitcher of ice water.

“Morgan’s at a friend’s,” she sometimes said.

And Peter would breathily reply, “May is at work. Is it okay if I––?”

Pepper always interrupted with, “of course” and a smile.

There were many things in the workshop that had been rearranged over the years, but Peter kept most of it the way he found it. He didn’t want it to become his workshop, which, in his mind, it almost had. He wished he could pack it up and take it to school with him, but it was a nice home away from home to visit on special occasions.

On this particular day, the bad thoughts in Peter’s brain had won the fight. He climbed out of the suit, made his way down to the workshop, and curled himself onto Tony’s chair.

It was Tony’s chair. The chair that had belonged to Peter’s mentor, the person he had looked up to ever since he was nearly eight years old––and now he was sitting in his chair, crying over the fact that he spent more time grieving Tony than personally knowing him. But then again, Peter realized, Tony had done the same thing, too.

It hurt more today, Peter couldn’t deny that. It hurt to be in the same room Tony had once been in––he had once lived in. The past four years were hard, but some days were harder.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to speak to the Tony AI today. But, nevertheless, Peter picked himself up. He held the web-shooter in his palm, internally fighting with his thoughts before brushing his thumb over the button. He pushed it without hesitation, and Tony came to life.

“Hey? You look so glum, kiddo. What’s up?” Tony stuffed his hands into his pockets.

Peter set the web-shooter back down and shrugged. “Bad day,” he said, strolling over to the desk so he could flop himself back into the chair. “That’s all.”

Tony hummed. “Damn,” he said. “Sorry to hear that. Well, we’ve got quite a few things in here that could get your mind off of it. What do you say to a little holographic basketball with some trashed files, yeah? And before you ask, yes, we can do best two-out-of-three.”

“No.” Peter shook his head as he wiped his nose with his sleeve. “No, I don’t really wanna do that.”

Tony’s eyebrows knotted together. “What do you wanna do, then?”

Peter shrugged again. “I-I wish––I wish I could hug you,” he whispered.

The AI’s expression relaxed.

“I wish you were here.”

“I am here,” said Tony.

Peter let out a huff. “But you’re not. You’re not here. You’re not you. I want Tony back. I want my Tony back. Not a hologram I can put my hand through. I-I can’t hug you. I can’t help you build your suits, and you can’t help me build mine. You can’t go out into the world and live. You can’t––you can’t take me out to lunch. You can’t be with your wife and your daughter. You can’t drive me upstate or make me coffee I’ll never drink. We can’t do superhero shit together because you’re dead. You’re not alive. And you haven’t been for four years, and for some reason, it still feels like yesterday. I’ve done so much. I’ve changed so much. B-but I come back to you, and I’m just reminded of how much I loved being around you. How much I loved you. You just––you can’t be there like Tony was there. You’re not him.”

Tony stayed quiet. It seemed as though he hadn’t been programmed for such an emotional range. But then he said, “I’m sorry” so softly, and Peter felt the impact of his words. He had truly meant them, and he knew there was nothing else he could do.

___

“Whatcha packin’ up there, Pete?”

“Just a few things Pepper said I could take with me.”

“Where are you going?”

Peter’s college career had come and gone. His life had never been so different, and it was time to let change run its course. New York was still home, but sometimes home wasn’t necessarily a place. And Peter understood that. He needed to do a bit more living, and that required moving on.

“I got a job,” he said, stacking a few of Tony’s old belongings into a large box, “in New England.”

Tony grinned. The light from his hologram had dulled through the years, and Peter never found the time to fix it.

“Look at you, Mister Parker,” said Tony. “All grown up. I swear you were just fourteen and getting your ass beat by Cap.”

Peter chuckled. “I would go back in a heartbeat. Not to high school, though. High school sucked.”

“I literally don’t even remember high school.”

“It’s a blur,” he said. He lifted the box onto Tony’s desk and leaned against it. The moment felt sad and surreal. Peter couldn’t find the right words, so he fiddled with the edge of the cardboard instead.

“You okay?”

Peter glanced over at Tony. He hadn’t aged a day. “Sorta,” Peter said. “I’m––I’m not taking you with me, you know. And I’m gonna be gone for a while. Are you gonna be okay without me?”

“Pfft.” Tony rolled his eyes. “I lasted five years without you. I’ll never be okay.”

Peter smiled sadly. He still wished he could hug him. “I’ll miss you, Tony.”

“I’ll miss you too, kiddo.”

[purplesurveys]

1105

surveys by seachaange

What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? I listen and try to ask questions or add my own input so that they can see that even though I personally don’t care about the thing they’re talking about, I’m invested in them.

What is the best pizza place in your neighbourhood? Erm, we don’t really have a lot of independent pizza joints, actually. Most of the ones I see are chain restaurants like Pizza Hut and Domino’s. The best pizza I’ve had is from Vu’s at Marco Polo, but it’s been a whileeeee since I’ve had their food. Mama Lou’s pizza is also good.

Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? I do but I only had it installed for school. I have no personal interest to learn it.

Are there any teachers you have that you are close with? I wouldn’t say that. I’m kinda chummy with one of my English teachers from high school - like he knew about me and Gab and supported us, I show my support for his art, we greet each other every now and then, etc - but we’re not ‘close.’

Do you have friends that play field hockey? No.

What about soccer? Not friends but I do know a number people who play football, yeah.

Do you think homosexuals are leading a bad lifestyle? This question aged like milk, didn’t it...

What do you think of the iPad? I remember when it blew up like crazy. It was such a revolutionary thing back when it was new, so much so that my dad even felt the need to buy one. It was fun when the hype lasted; but nowadays I don’t know people who would still seek out an iPad other than artists and law/med students, lmfao.

Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? I don’t.

Do you have any concerts on dvd? A lot, but they’re of concerts from a time when DVDs were still a thing. I haven’t had a new DVD in around 7-8 years.

Do you still have a VHS player? I think my parents have thrown theirs out already.

Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No.

Do you send postcards to people when you go on vacation? I don’t. But aw, this made me remember when Jo did a summer exchange program in London and she sent postcards to Aya in the few months that she had been away. I thought that was sweet.

What do you think is the most comfortable shoe? Out of the pairs I have, my Onitsuka Tiger shoes for sure.

Have you seen Lady Gaga's music video for Telephone? That was suuuuuuch a big deal when it came out. Yes, I definitely have and I must’ve watched it a thousand times. Also rude, Beyoncé was in there too lol

If so, what do you think of it? It was so creative and a lot of fun to watch, especially for 2009 when artists weren’t exactly daring with music video concepts yet. I can’t believe they never collaborated again since.

What do you think of the septum piercing? It’s great.

Do you frequently skip class? Depends on my interest in the class/the professor, OR how tired I am that week. I skipped my psychology elective a lot because I didn’t think the instructor was all that great; and as much as I loved every single one of my history classes, there were a few sessions I voluntarily had to skip because I wasn’t doing mentally well. It really depends.

--

When you're really thirsty, what do you enjoy drinking most? Water. Anything else wouldn’t be able to quench my thirst as well.

What do you find inspirational in the world? I think it differs based on what I need to see at a given time, I guess. At this point in my life, I like hearing from people who have risen from their trust and abandonment issues, because it’s what I’ve been going through as well. I probably never would’ve found something like that inspirational, say, 6 months ago, so it really depends.

When hanging out with your bf or gf, what do you like doing most? I’m a very ‘let’s spend time in silence’ type of person. I cherished it the most when my ex and I would go to a coffee shop and work for hours, in complete and comfortable silence; or when I would be driving and no words would be exchanged for nearly the entire ride. Even though I stay quiet, in those moments I’m actually very happy. Of course new experiences are great too, but I personally enjoy the conventional ‘boring’ stuff the most when with a partner.

What do/did you think of your high school? Teeming with homophobia, bigotry, and just your typical Catholic gatekeepy judgmental environment. I look back at high school fondly because of the friends I made, not because of the toxic environment they nurtured in there.

What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? I don’t listen to a lot of rap. But as an 11 year old listening to Nicki Minaj’s Itty Bitty Piggy, I was immediately traumatized lmao. I still can’t listen to that song.

What about a dirty song in any other genre? Uhhhhhhhhh probably Drunk in Love?? Lmaoooo I’d die for Beyoncé a million times but I always skip that song. My asexual ass just can’t deal.

What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? One of them is techno.

What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Being kind to yourself.

What flavour of Doritos do you like best? I’ve only ever tried the nacho cheese flavor, but I love that one.

Where do you do your grocery shopping? I don’t do the grocery shopping in the family but my parents usually do it at SM or at this local store we have nearby.

Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yes, with a friend so I’d be more comfortable.

Do you think Victoria's Secret is overpriced? I haven’t been in one of their stores in a while, so I can’t really say.

Do you still have a VHS player? Again, I don’t think so.

Do you have a tumblr? :))))))

Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? So this survey was made in 2010 and I can definitely confirm it was a crazy huge trend lol. Even I got into it and asked my parents to get me a DSLR back then. Anyway, I think it was because during this time, DSLRs had been slowly becoming a thing? and they were kiiiiiiiinda cheap - at least cheap enough to be accessible to a large amount of people - so it allowed people to play with different styles that were very unfamiliar at the time, like light painting, fisheye, close-ups, etc. And then at one point everyone had DSLRs and it just wasn’t as enjoyable anymore because everyone was doing the same kinds of trendy shots lol.

What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? I’m gonna go with The Proposal - Sandra Bullock was gold in that movie.

Did you watch American Idol this past season? No. Do they still air new seasons of that?? I stopped watching when the same guitar-playing, country-singing white men kept winning.

If so, how did you feel about the winner? It’s been more than a decade since I last cared for the show.

Don't you hate it when one of your earbuds stops working? Sure.

Do you have a normal landline, or do you use MagicJack? Holy shit I have not heard of MagicJack in a goddamn WHILE lmao, what a throwback. We had one, I’m pretty sure...but I never knew what it was for.

Do you even use a house phone anymore? Landlines are still common in the Philippines. Are they not in other countries? Hahahaha.

Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? If I loved, trusted, and was committed to them enough, yes.

What was the most expensive restaurant you've ever eaten at? I wasn’t able to track the name but I’m pretty sure it was the fine dining restaurant in our cruise trip that my parents treated me to for my birthday.

Do/did you take foods classes in high school? My school didn’t offer such a class, but we had home economics and we were occasionally taught how to cook and bake certain dishes.

Do you have a tattoo? No, not yet.

If you do, describe the pain you went thru when getting it done. Eugh this is what I’m scared of :((((

Do you enjoy making hemp necklaces and bracelets? I’ve never tried.

Have you ever watched the show Strangers With Candy? I’ve never even heard of it before, I’m sure.

What is your favourite bookstore? Fully Booked, because their collection is expansive, always complete, and they let you take a book of the shelves and read it if you’d like.

Have you ever used torrents? Mostly throughout high school. I did use a torrent to download Midsommar recently, though.

How can we tell if you are in a bad mood? I go quiet.

How are you when you're in a really good mood? Complete opposite - I will be bubbly and chatty, especially in instances when I’m not really expected to be.

Are you nice to everyone, even people you don't like? Yes.

When you're bored in class, what do you do? I seldom found myself bored in class because I’m constantly furiously taking notes. But if the prof themselves are very boring and there’s nothing to take notes about, I go ahead and check my social media either from my phone or laptop.

--

Would you rather go to Lollapalooza, Warped Tour, or Bonnaroo? As a teenager, I had always wanted to go to Warped Tour. As I’ve gotten older, though, the lineups for Lollapalooza have appealed to me more. Plus it’s in Chicago, soooooo a million more brownie points for that.

Do you have anything that is autographed? By who? Yeah, I have an autographed poster of AJ Lee. It was my most prized possession and I even placed it on a big picture frame and had it up on my wall for yearsssssssss, and then my mom had to take it down because of course it’s my mom and of course she had to do it.

Can you sleep when it's really hot? Welcome to summer months in the Philippines.

Do you know anyone who works at McDonald's? I think Carley does, but idk if that’s changed in the last few months. I don’t stay updated about her life, haven’t been for years.

Do you have a debit card? Yes.

What bank do you (or your family) use? I am not sharing that lol.

Would you ever hitchhike? I think I’m mostly open to it, though I will say I’ve read enough stories about murders that involve hitchhiking that make me a little scared of the idea, hahah.

Have you ever been kayaking? We did a boat thing in Palawan a few years ago but I’m not sure if that was kayaking or canoeing. Anywho, the experience was breathtaking.

Do you have a problem with swimming in a pond or lake? In the context of my country, yeah, because our natural bodies of water aren’t exactly...the cleanest, lmao. I’d feel much more comfortable swimming in a private beach.

Does anyone in your family go hunting or fishing? Nope. But maybe some of my relatives living in the US do?? Idk for sure.

What do/did you do when someone you barely knew asks you to sign their yearbook? We don’t really practice that. Only the really expensive, bougie, international schools here that have foreign students to begin with do that, I think.

In high school are you/were you in the plays and musicals? No.

Do you have a birdbath in your yard? No, we don’t.

Is the house you live in old or new? It’s fairly new; we had it first built in 2005 and we officially moved in 2008.

Where do you go when you need a new pair of sneakers? Depends on what brand I’m in the mood to buy.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions, or do you not even bother? I typically don’t.

Most annoying commercial? Haven’t been paying attention to them lately.

What does your favourite bathing suit look like? It’s just a simple black bikini but its overall shape and design is super cute and chic.

Do you like Silly Bandz? No.

If you do, how many do you have and what are your favourite shapes?

What do you think of My Super Sweet 16? I never watched it because I feel like I’d only get stressed if I did.

Do you have mini-blinds in your house? I have pull-down window shades in my room, not blinds.

Do you rent your home or do you own it? My parents own it.

What is your favourite song right now? Trigger by Hayley Williams.

Do you use Firefox? Nope.

Do you have a pool in your backyard? We don’t.

Do you have a gym membership? No.

Favourite field trip you've ever been on? Freshman year of high school when we went to two museums :)

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2005

16 to 17 years old. Finished public highschool, started public university in September. Looking back at 2003-2005 feels like looking at ten years of my life condensed in three. Exhausting.

Also we’re now past the halfway point of these lists! And this is another exceptionally good year for hits.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

So I finished highschool that year. I met my best friend ever in late 2004 and we even had some sort of small crew back then! I had a bit of a crush on her but alas it wasn’t meant to be. I don’t know who invented the term ‘friendzone’ but they got its meaning completely wrong because staying friends basically forever with someone you love can be a fantastic thing. Things weren’t rosy nor perfect that year, of course, and I still was miserable at home, but I’m not sure where I’ll be today without her. She's amazing and she still lives nearby nowadays. Shoutout: if you read this, E., you pretty much saved my life.

I was still making tapes and burning CDs, still using my trusty portable cd player, and always listening to stuff while drawing during recess, sitting in a corner and doodling stuff in my sketchbook on the floor like a weird gangly goblin.

I had already started to buy Rock Mag in August 2004 but it really became my monthly ritual in 2005, and it lasted until autumn 2007. A reliable source of posters to cover my walls. At that point they were almost completely covered with paintings, drawings, torn pages from magazines and posters of Linkin Park, Mylène Farmer, Placebo and Indochine.

I also had a better access to the family computer and was a bit more involved online. Might explain why the number of singles I was buying plummeted.

It’s time once again for some (ok, many) honorable mentions!

Beverly Hills (Weezer) - I don’t even know why I like this but I do.

Bouger Bouger (Magic System) - I never understood why it was cool to make fun of these guys in my country. Their music is so happy and fun.

Holiday (Green Day) - My brother loved that band and listened to it a lot, and I was 100% fine with that.

Wake Me Up When September Ends (Green Day) - See above.

Gabriel (Najoua Belyzel) - That is so-bad-it’s-good at its finest right here.

Candy Shop (50 Cents) - As a sucker for terrible puns (HA, get it?? I’m sorry I’ll get out immediately) I can’t help it, I love this.

Love Generation (Bob Sinclar) - Stay tuned for more of this guy on another list.

Listen to Your Heart (DHT) - The original is better, but it was really nice to hear that again on the radio.

We Be Burnin’ (Sean Paul) - Not my favorite but still damn good.

Bad Day (Daniel Powter) - I even bought the single. What can I say except “relatable”.

All About Us (Tatu) - I bought that single as well. Almost made the list.

Le Bateau Blanc (Karol) - The last cut from the list. Not even kidding at all. I’m still not sure if Keane deserves to be on the list more than this to be honest.

Like it happened previously with Placebo not being elligible at all, it is a complete outrage that Precious by Depeche Mode isn’t elligible for this list. Like, what the f█ck. Playing the Angel was one of the defining albums of the year to me. I’m not even sure it would have topped the list, maybe #2, but it still feels wrong.

There’s another band who’s complete absence from this top feels kinda painful to me, considering how much I loved their new album at the time. Indeed, no single from Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge by My Chemical Romance is elligible for this list, and it feels wrooooong, man. I love I’m not okay and especially Thank You For the Venom, but even Helena would have been nice. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

For some unfathomable reason, Get The Party Started (Pink) and, even more unexplainable, Do You Really Want to Hurt Me (Culture Club) recharted in France in 2005 and both made the year-end top 100. The fact they are both elligible but all the stuff mentioned above this paragraph isn’t makes no sense whatsoever.

And now, the actual list!

10 - Everybody’s Changing (Keane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #48

Pretty great even though it’s not my favorite Keane song. That would be Crystal Ball. It’s fantastic and as a person who is scared, above all, by existential horror, the music video is terrifying. Sadly, it’s not elligible for my 2006 list, so Everybody’s Changing will have to be its slightly less good proxy for 2005.

9 - Et Si En Plus Ya Personne (Alain Souchon)

US: Not on the list / FR: #100

This has to be the most borderline non-elligible song ever put on one of my lists. But I’m glad it is still elligible. Remember the song on the 1993 list that I called an “anticapitalist ballad”? Well that’s the same guy. And this time it’s a song about how religion can cause both beautiful things and war, and how “the sky might be empty” because of us. It’s great. Here’s a translation. You’re welcome.

8 - F█ck Them All (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #62

Aaaaaaaaand unfortunately for everyone including myself, she’s back. Not her best song by a mile (told you it was all downhill after C’est Une Belle Journée didn’t I), but still pretty damn good, and that music video where she’s destroying bird-like scarecrows is amazing so here’s a bonus gif.

7 - Boulevard of Broken Dreams (Green Day)

US: #7 / FR: Not on the list

My brother LOVED this band and listened to it SO MUCH. And yeah, they were very good and that song might just be my favorite one from them. I don’t have much more to say about it, you all know it already. Let’s move on.

6 - Sugar We’re Going Down (Fall Out Boy)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

Again, it feels wrong that both Fall Out Boy AND Panic! at the Disco were elligible for this list but not My Chemical Romance. I was never a fan of these two acts, at all, and their supposed rivalry was kinda hilarious to watch from afar. With a bucket of popcorn. While listening to Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and nodding sadly, of course.

This is still a great song, mind you.

5 - Feel Good Inc (Gorillaz)

US: #37 / FR: Not on the list (really? wtf happened)

Again, I live with someone who loves Gorillaz, so I claim overexposure.

It’s still #5 on a list based on a very, very good year.

That’s quality for you.

4 - Speed of Sound (Coldplay)

US: #57 / FR: Not on the list

A new chapter in the ascension of Coldplay from “Johannes hates this band” to “this is one of the best mainstream bands we have”. An epic saga, years in the making, and Speed of Sound was basically the last scene of Act One. Not my favorite song from X&Y (that would be Talk), but still really good. Hell, I even bought the single, and goodness knows I wasn’t buying a lot of singles anymore in 2005.

Holy shit, half of these are Benassi Bros garbage. None of them are elligible, though! Dodged a bullet there, didn’t I.

3 - Numb/Encore (JayZ + Linkin Park)

US: #93 / FR: #75

What a blessed mashup. For a few magical months in 2005, all the punk goth kids and the hiphop kids were united under this song’s banner and it felt like world peace had been achieved. It could have pissed off everybody but no! Everyone loved it instead!

“But Johannes, this is just Numb all over again with different lyrics. You can’t keep putting Linkin Park at the top of your lists forever.” Sadly no, I can’t. I know. It’s only #3. Don’t yell at me. Also, the next two songs are genuinely better, at least in my opinion!

2 - Lift Me Up (Moby)

US: Not on the list / FR: #31

I heard this on the radio and bought the album, Hotel, on the grounds that Natural Blues from 2000 was one of my favorite songs ever and than it wouldn’t hurt to actually own an album of that guy after all that time (”all that time” being only five years, but please keep in mind the past three years had felt like ten, and in my mind, they still do ; trauma is one hell of a thing). And a couple of days later that year, we went to Disneyland for my brother’s birthday, and I only had a small bag that could contain my cd player, and the earphones and nothing else. So I could only put one cd in it and that was it.

So I picked Hotel, and I basically retreated inside of it whenever my mother was starting to talk aggressively, which happened a lot in the various queues. So in the end, I listened to that cd a LOT that day and every single time, it would calm me while still being energetic enough to keep me enthusiastic for the various Disneyland rides.

Lift Me Up is energetic but cold, aerial but distant, uplifting but sinister. It was the perfect song for someone who was, at the time, trying to tone down their aggressivity and anger and trying to be masculine but in a softer way, while still staying themselves and not giving up the fight. I absolutely adore this song. It’s perfect.

It instantly joined my list of favorite songs ever that year.

1 - Mr Brightside (The Killers)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (this feels so wrong)

If I had to make a top ten of the hits of that entire decade, this would be #2. No debate whatsoever.

Because holy shit.

I was already sold on that band after hearing Somebody Told Me on the radio, which sadly isn’t elligible for this list (I instantly loved it, first because it was catchy as hell, but also because I love the chorus “Well somebody told me you had a boyfriend / Who looked like a girlfriend / That I had in February of last year", because as you already know I tend to be extremely literal minded and my immediate conclusion was “wow you two dated the same trans guy before and after he was out of the closet” and that was highkey relatable and no you can’t change my mind). So I bought the album about two weeks after, mostly blind, because the cd store was playing it and also because Rock Mag said it was great.

That was an understatement. Hot Fuss is one of the best albums of the entire decade and you probably know that already. The first song, Jenny Was a Friend of Mine, floored me right after putting the cd in the player and it felt like the album already reached its peak and there were still 12 tracks after that.

The very next track was Mr. Brightside. And. How do I put this.

There’s like a dozen interpretations possible for this song, and most of them are something like “this guy is so anxious and paranoid he’s gonna break up with this girl because he keeps imagining her cheating with another guy and it might not even be real.”

Now might be a good moment to remind you that at the time, I had a crush on my best friend, and was still firmly in the closet. And this song starts, as everyone knows, with “Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine“.

So... yeah. This is the song that accidentally convinced me the closet sucked and did nothing to deter bullies anyway, and that after more than three years of feeling mostly miserable, I should try to be myself and screw the consequences. I know it wasn’t the original intention behind that song. But still.

Godspeed, The Killers. I owe you one, guys.

Next up: Still not able to put Indochine nor Placebo on a list, OP is this close to punching a wall

[hellas-himself]

Crack Ship Holidays- Interlude

Rhysand’s Birthday

It’s our favorite High Lord’s birthday *heart eyes forever* This bit is in his POV because why not. I’m feeling a tad better so hopefully I’ll have the nessian fic up later on. I wasn’t happy with what I’d written and I don’t want to put out something if I don’t feel good about it. ANYWAY. 

Happy Thursday/Happy Rhysand day everyone ;)

.

.

.

“You know, I was only kidding about wanting breakfast in bed,” I say as Lucien approaches the bed with a tray. He sets it over my lap and leans in to kiss me.

“Happy birthday,” he says to me and I smile.

“Thank you, Luce.”

“We have a busy day as it is. The last thing we need is you getting grumpy after we spend more than an hour at the DMV.”

I groan. “Don’t remind me.”

He chuckles.

“Well, eat up. The sooner we get that nonsense out of the way, the sooner we can do something fun.”

“More fun than how you woke me up?” I ask with a grin and he rolls his eyes. 

“Rhys, you’re insufferable.”

“Hm… But you love it.”

“Maybe.” He sighs and sits down beside me. I offer him some of the food but he declines with a shake of his head. “I ate already. Enjoy it, love.”

After breakfast, Lucien joins me for a shower and we leave the house later than intended. The DMV is busy as always and I reply to all the well wishes and spend twenty minutes talking to my mother until my name is called.

“So,” I say as we finally leave the damned place, “Where to now?”

“You’ll see,” he replies with a smirk.

Lucien takes me shopping at the mall and we leave with new clothes and shoes.

“Are we going where I think we’re going?” I ask as I notice the street that we’re on.

“Do you want to go where you think we’re going?”

“Lucien, is that truly a question you have to ask?”

He laughs and turns the corner. Lucien usually leaves the bookstore for last on my birthday, but I don’t mind the change. It means I can be here longer.

“Would you mind if I grabbed a coffee, love?” Lucien asks as we walk into the store.

“Not at all. Besides, there’s a cup I had my eye on. I want to get one for Feyre and I to match.”

Lucien chuckles. “I expected nothing less.”

Once we’re properly caffeinated, I lead Lucien around the store. We spend the most time by the science fiction and fantasy, and after I grab four books, I decide to find myself a basket before we step into the young adult section. Then, like every year, Lucien and I pick one of the books and find a corner to read the first chapter together. It is something we have done since high school, at first to make sure we would like it but then because it gave us more time to be together.

“You’re staring,” Lucien says playfully and I smile.

“It cannot be helped. You’ve seen yourself in the mirror, you are divine.”

Lucien rolls his eyes but I notice the way he blushes. I reach over and brush my fingers over the scar on his face before I lean in and kiss his cheek.

“I love you,” I say softly and Lucien turns away from the book and smiles.

“I love you, too.”

*

“My love, I’ve made plans for dinner tonight. Feyre will meet us there,” Lucien says as we leave the craft store. I’m carrying bolts of fabric while Lucien has the bag with my new sketch book and pencils. He reaches into his pocket for the keys to the car and opens the trunk. It looks like we’ve gone Christmas shopping.

“Are you going to tell me where?”

“Of course not.”

“Formal? Casual? Nude?” I wriggle my eyebrows and he rolls his eyes.

“I was thinking of wearing that midnight blue button up shirt you like so much,” he says as he makes room in the trunk for the rest of the bags.

“With the grey pants?”

“I refuse to wear grey pants around Feyre. Or you, for that matter. You’re both utterly perverted.”

“She’ll be too busy staring at Cassian’s… ass.”

“You’re sick.”

“I’ll remember that later,” I quip and lay the bolts down flat in the trunk before I close it.

At the house, Lucien brings the books to his office upstairs where our bookshelves are. Across the hall, I bring the fabric and sketchbooks to the craft room. There is an unfinished bodice on the dress form that will eventually be a gown for Mor.

“You should wear this and roll up the sleeves,” Lucien says and I turn to find him holding up the long-sleeved black button up shirt we’d just purchased this morning. “Maybe with some chinos or something.”

“Plan on staring at my ass all night?”

“Perhaps,” Lucien responds with a grin.

“What incredible incentive,” I say and walk over to him. I take the shirt from his hands and give him a kiss.

*

“We’ve never been here before,” I note as Lucien parks the car.

“Precisely.”

“Feeling adventurous, are we?”

“Rhysand, every day is an adventure with you.”

“Do I push you out of your comfort zone?” I tease and he flicks my nose before we both get out of the car.

“You’ve kept me out of my comfort since the day I met you.”

I laugh and reach for his hand. The smile on his face betrays his attempt at sounding serious. I tease him the entire way into the restaurant but when he gives his name, the host guides us in the complete opposite direction of the tables.

“Plan on checking off something from our list?” I whisper in his ear and Lucien laughs but doesn’t answer my question. I almost take it seriously until we come to a stop before a set of double doors and the host turns to face us.

“Happy birthday,” he says and gives me a smile before opening the door.

“Surprise!”

“Holy shit,” I say and hope no one noticed how startled I am. Everyone is here- even my parents. Even Lucien’s parents and-

“Elyse?”

My sister pries herself from Morrigan’s hold to run over to me.

“Happy birthday, Rhysie,” she says with a laugh and throws her arms around my neck.

“How are you here?”

“You know I couldn’t miss the big three-o. Plus, I’m on break.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I hug her tight and she laughs.

“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise. Duh.”

Elyse fixes her blue-eyed gaze on Lucien.

“Hello, foxy boy.”

My sister steals my boyfriend away as the others come to say hello. Amren and Varian usher me over to the table where Elain stands- There is lembas bread in a wicker basket and an array of fruits and fingers food that look eerily similar to the food in the movies. The cake looks like Bag End. It’s Bilbo’s house at the top of three layers of cake made to look like Hobbiton.

“The only thing I forgot was the ring but-” I hug Elain tight.

“I can’t believe you!”

“Thank Feyre, too,” she says when we pull away. “She drew it all up for me.”

I look around and find her with Lucien, the two are holding hands. Elyse is on Cassian’s back, ordering him to bring her to the dessert table.

“Babe!” I shout and Lucien and Feyre both look my way. “Look at this!”

I wave him over and Lucien brings Feyre with him.

“Get over here,” I say to Feyre and pull her in for a hug. “This is amazing.”

“Well, your boyfriend was very specific in what he wanted for you,” she says to me.  I look at him and he seems flustered by the attention.

“Can I eat this?” I ask Elain as I show Lucien the lembas.

“I would hope you do,” Elain replies. “Just don’t eat the leaves.”

Lucien takes me to get a drink while I eat the lembas bread, not giving a shit that Mor and my mother are taking pictures. I offer some to Lucien who takes a bite just as we’re blinded by flash. Amren surprises me with a bottle of my favorite wine which I happily share with Lucien until he is whisked away by his mother.

Iliana waltzes over and I take her up in my arms as Kallias and Viviane catch up with Amren, Varian and Tarquin.

“Happy birthday, tio. I have a present for you.”

“Do you?”

“Mhm. But mommy said I can’t give it to you until after we have cake.”

“Shall we cut the cake now then?”

Iliana laughs at me.

“No. Wela said we have to eat dinner first.”

“But it’s my birthday.”

“Tell that to your mother then, tio. I don’t make the rules.”

I excuse myself from my friends and set my niece down. I muss up her hair before I go pester my mother. Once she sees me, she pulls me in for a hug before kissing both sides of my face.

“Mi vida,” she says and pinches my cheek. “You’re making me old.”

“Cassian made you old. I’ve never done anything wrong in my entire life.”

She snorts. “Paquetero.”

“So, Adela, what’s this about me not being allowed to have cake?”

“My name is mami to you. And don’t be ridiculous, estoy segura that you and Lucien haven’t eaten anything since breakfast. Mira que flaco esta. I can’t with the two of you.”

My father laughs and throws an arm around her shoulder.

“Adela, let them be.”

She tsks and pokes his side.

“Don’t start, Vinny.”

“Anyway,” I say and kiss my mother on the forehead, “I’m happy you’re here, mami. And you too, papi.”

I leave my mother smiling and my father teasing her for it.

I sit at a table with Lucien and Az as we eat our dinner and watch Cassian stumble over his words as he tells our parents that Feyre is his girlfriend and that he had no idea Mor was going to put them on blast before he said anything to them. I know my parents are just fucking with him, but it’s worth it. Our parents adore Feyre, and she’s a blushing mess at Cassian’s side while she comes to his rescue, singing praises of him for all he’s done and how happy he’s made her.

“Do you ever wonder about it?” Lucien asks me quietly and I look at him with a raised brow.

“Wonder about what?”

Lucien gives a nod towards Feyre.

“I used to,” I reply. I had loved Feyre enough to picture that future. But we were young and I was stupid and never took the risk. “But once I was with you… I could never look back. There is no future without you in it, Lucian.”

Lucien gives me a smile when I look at him again.

“Why do you ask?”

He shrugs. “No reason.”

I make to speak but Iliana skips over to our table and Az completely lights up. His smile is contagious.

“Daddy, will you dance with me?”

“Of course, princess.”

“Two songs, please. Then I’m going to play barbies with Titi Elyse.”

“As you wish,” Azriel says to her and she squeals with delight. She has made Lucien and I watch Princess Bride so many times, I can quote the damn movie on command.

“Want to dance?” Lucien asks me and I look back at him with surprise.

“With you? Always.”

*

“I really don’t want to cut this,” I sigh, and everyone laughs. They have sung me happy birthday twice; once in English, once in Spanish.

“It’s okay, I’ve taken plenty pictures of it,” Mor says with a wink.

“Oh, before I forget!” Elain blushes at the sudden attention on her. “There’s a ring in there. So… Be careful.”

“Why didn’t you say that! I would’ve torn into this thing sooner!” I take the knife from Elain and she laughs.

“You’re an idiot, Rhys.”

I cut the first piece and happily pull the chocolate and wafer door off the cake and bite into it. Both my mother and Aurelie tell Elain to go sit and they help one another cut the cake. I am disappointed there is no ring in my cake and Lucien laughs at me.

“You’re pouting,” he teases.

“I am not.”

“I’m certain you’ll enjoy your gifts more than a toy ring.”

“But it’s the One ring…”

Lucien leans over and kisses me. “Well, if it is any consolation, I did not find it either.”

He holds out his plate to me.

“You didn’t eat the little windows.”

“I saved them for you.”

“Lucien, Lucien… What are you up to?”

“Whatever do you mean?” he asks and kisses me again.

“I don’t know. But I’m going to find out.”

Lucien flashes me a mischievous grin. We hear someone shriek and before we can panic, we realize it’s just Feyre pulling the ring from her mouth and waving it at Cassian.

I am not surprised when my mother has Cassian and Azriel to drag me to the table covered in gifts. True to form, she and Elyse come and put a crown on my head and help into a ridiculous birthday sash. I open present after present, from video games to clothes to graphic novels. There is a nice pile of books going beside me and I realize I may need another shelf.

Iliana happily makes her way towards me and hands me a small box tied with silver ribbon.

“This is your surprise,” she says.  

“Thank you, Lia.”

I untie the ribbon and set it on the table. I raise a brow when I see the little black box inside and Iliana is failing at containing her laughter. I take the black box out and open it but it’s empty, though there’s clearly a space to hold a ring-

When I look up, I see Lucien standing there with an almost unreadable expression on his face. Everyone is standing around us, and our mothers are already in tears. I take off the crown and pull off the sash and set them down as Lucien takes a few steps towards me. He takes my hands and kisses them both before he looks at me again.

And without a word, Lucien gets down on one knee. He reaches into the pocket of his shirt and holds out a gold ring inlaid with black tourmaline. It’s perfect.

“Rhys… Will you marry me?”

I somehow remember how to breathe. How to speak.  

“Yes,” I reply and pull him up to stand. I kiss him, ignoring everyone else in the room. Lucien is blushing when we stop to breathe. “Yes, I’ll marry you, Lucien.”

He breathes out and smiles. Lucien slides the ring onto my finger and this time, he kisses me. Everyone around us is cheering and clapping, I’m pretty sure that it’s Cassian whose whistling. But when I look at Lucien, all of it fades away.

“I love you, Lucien,” I say, my voice nearly a whisper.

“I love you, too Rhys,” he says and kisses me once more. “Happy birthday.”

.

.

.

Rhycien is everything I need in life. Truly. 

I finally found names I felt okay about for Rhysand’s parents. And Elyse is the name I gave her in WTAS but I decided to have her not be dead/completely absent from this fic. If we’re going to be cheesy, we’re going to go all out. 

There are a few phrases in Spanish that I used here. 

Mi vida- means ‘my life’ and is a term of endearment 

Wela- grandmother is abuela in Spanish and that ‘bue’ part is where we get wela from, another way of saying grandma 

Paquetero- in Spanish, the word paquete means package but also means bullshit/a lie so his mother is calling him a liar here lol 

Mami and Papi is literally mom and dad

Estoy segura means I am certain 

Mira que flaco esta is what you hear every Latina mom say during holidays. LOOK HOW SKINNY HE’S GOTTEN. which is always an exaggeration, they just can’t not tell you to eat. idk why. 

If anyone forgot/is reading this before all the others- Rhys is a tattoo artist in this AU and also sews and all that like in canon. I am horrible because I still haven’t decided Lucien’s profession. 

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

athenas or the new ign videos... hmmm

im gonna go for the ign videos (moze gameplay and sanctuary-iii, no guns yet, i have a reason for that) because athenas hasn’t gotten its sweet instagram video yet. once that’s released i’ll do a full post on it. by the time i got around to finishing this post, they had released the video. oh boy... gonna do the gun post then the athenas post, i think. alright, off we go.

tl;dr: we read the entire end user agreement DAHL thrusts upon us for using the ECHO device, talk about some stuff like how (spoilers) it seems like Lilith will be getting her powers back at the end of the game, and a voice line Lily says that sounds like “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like Tannis said: [inaudible]��Siren” (altho im not 100% sure on the [inaudible] part because 1) it sounds weird and 2) there’s a drum beat and also the devs are talking over her, the Siren part seems fairly accurate because of the way her mouth moves). so you know. im gonna be agonizing over that until i can hear what she says. ive already spent an hour just repeating it over and over. i nearly fell asleep lol

we’re gonna start with the moze gameplay (the first 14 minutes of bl3) because chronologically it’s first in both timeline and release date

i love the license plates on the right there

also it looks like they added in claptrap’s old welcome sign from windshear waste! time to stand in front of it for 30 minutes to see if any messages pop up like bl2

fast travel station as well, definitely going to see if/where i can teleport and going there immediately. i imagine this is more for DLC stuff and grinding tho.

also! i do believe we saw Covenant Pass previously. good to know this is actually where it is!

Marcus saying “And Welcome to Pandora!” in the beginning confirms that, yes, they’re going to be on a bus!! i wonder if there will be a fight scene before that though. it’s interesting Clappy mentions that “those jerks who tried to murder you are the children of the vault!” so i mean... there’s gotta be... right?

im also convinced this intro is going to be a mirror of Borderlands 1. i stg if it starts out with the first few notes of Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked and then swaps songs I’m going to lose my mind

also also, the order is totally going to mimic the bl1 one. Fl4k = Mordecai, Amara = Lilith, Moze = Roland, Zane = Brick. We even have Lilith taking Angel’s spot as the mysterious voice in our heads, and probably Marcus driving, AND being dropped off at a bus stop.

bet the reason they changed it from ‘Moze as the Bot Jock’ to ‘Moze as the Gunner’ is because it fits under ‘Roland as the Soldier’ better. Also, ‘Zane Flynt as Himselfs’ would be a play off ‘Brick as Himself’. Amara as the Siren is obvious, and ‘Mordecai as the Hunter’ vs ‘Fl4k as the Beastmaster’ is pretty similar as well, given Fl4k has all those Hunter skills.

the 4 basic emotes im guessing. im so glad we have the option to boop our friends in the face with emotes.

also moze’s little bunny skin is adorable

the ECHOnet used to be called “Riftspace”, “the Spline”, and... “MercTel: A Cyber-Dahl Joint” lmfao

specifically calls out Pandora. also, “artificial megastructures”??? THAT’S SO COOL

AND FUCKING

SENTIENT MEGASTRUCTURES???? 

gearbox. please. i have never ever wanted anything more in my life. please. it’s probably my birthday. PLEASE GEARBOX

also interesting that the user agreement specifically notes ‘Respawns’. I assume this is a joke because New-U stations have been confirmed not canon

“Core law”. Core law? Core... daddy? ... ????

core as in like a core government somewhere that’s not the border worlds? that’s interesting...

“The Legion”, okay, acknowledging TPS, that’s dope

“Project Blackrakk” ... im interested

“Thresher Company” lmao

im curious if Axton was apart of any of the mentioned ones. i don’t think it’s been stated, but i could be wrong

“Chieftain Oort”. also ‘Recently Legless Gary’, lmfao poor dude.

oh yeah im sure this is fine. also holy shit did they google the synonyms for ‘change’ and just start listing them? lmfao

“implicit subscription to the Digby Vermouth ‘Dig’s Gigs’ secret concert subscription service” 

sorry, what?

if this doesn’t come up again in the future- if we don’t get a spam letter or 3 in our mailbox about this concert subscription thing i'm gonna be so disappointed

Dahl hates you if you’re not a fan of hyper-jazz, “you snob” lmfao

my brain hurts, they’re good at writing these 

damn phones exist? i thought everything was ECHO. aight, that’s good to know. i guess there just aren’t any phone networks around the border worlds

also “shared dreamspaces” sound really cool

hm. that’s no good lmfao. also i love that the buttons are ‘Agree’ and ‘OK’. there is no escape, once you agree, you can’t even leave because you’re agreeing that you’re trapped with these rules even if you cancel.

that’s fucked up, DAHL. can’t believe you treat your user base the same way you treat your employees. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised.

anyway, shoutout to literally the only TOA I’ve ever fully read in my life.

also, clicking through this TOA too fast WILL end claptrap’s voice line early. so be careful if you want to hear what he has to say!!

oh shit lmao I gotta go edit that Fl4k post

ok im back ~time magic of being able to save things in drafts and post them at a later date~

sliding preserves momentum, so you can actually slide (nearly) the entire way down! i love this.

small, but claptrap bends his antennae when trying to be stealthy. i thought that was a pretty cool detail

“and some guns include an alternate shooting mode~! try it out!”

player: `immediately shoots claptrap in the face`

i died lol

a very nice look at this sign.

good to know that the twins really are tempting people to join with promises of food. i mean it makes sense, i imagine most of the cultists are desperate for stability and a reasonable life on pandora.

also, Shiv calls himself “holy influencer of the children of the vault” lol. i love that. gearbox really is going for the internet’s throat, isn’t it?

i do like that hovering over an NPC will give you their name only and not name/healthbar.

a better look at one of the signs referencing the Mother!!! i was waiting for this, the only real look we got at one was in that one scene with Moze and IB

“Behold the Mother strength surrender to the truth” 

yeah that’s not ominous...

i assume the mother and father are intended to be tyreen and troy? but idk how i feel about that implication...

i like the new little gear/spring effect for the magnet lol

new lilith! i know a lot of people don’t like it, but i do. she looks better than the bl2 vers. altho i think it’s weird they swapped both bl1 and bl2′s ‘AI’ effect to those dots and then didn’t bring it to BL3. the dots effect felt cleaner. curious why they’re not applying it to bl3 when they went thru all that effort in 1 and 2.

... back up please.

i like that there is a changing icon for long pressing now

“time to check out our slay of the day!” sounds like Tyreen but tbh i legit thought this was moze’s reaction to opening the chest at first lol 

you can hear someone start screaming in agony while she’s walking up the stairs, so i know it’s not moze, but im so used to the VHs talking when they see a new piece of loot my brain just assumed.

also THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS A REMIX OF BANDIT SLAUGHTER!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS I WAS FREAKING OUT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

also, claptrap when dropping health yells “this could save your life! then, you’ll owe me a life debt!” bullshit im pretty sure you already decided we owed you a life debt the moment we stepped off that bus

“i see it... the great vault” - a line from a cultist you kill

i know i mentioned in this post that the Great Vault may be already opened, but it could also just be a Vault they’re planning on opening and using the propaganda to convince the cultists to help them find it. 

“if you help us get this vault open, you’ll be handsomely rewarded! you’ll get superpowers! you’ll get regular meals! you’ll get money and guns and dates!” you know, the usual stuff. 

either way, elevating the Vault to a higher state (god/heaven/whatever) makes sense if you’re running a cult.

btw there is a hidden chest in the scaffolding to the left of the door, if you’re interested in grabbing some better guns before shiv. personally, i’ll be using the toy guns.

also the TVs are actually playing propaganda now!!

this one is asking questions that i cant understand due to the sound effects of the chest and claptrap talking, but it says something about “... the dust? ... join the Children of the Vault!”

“hey shiiiiiv all your dumb friends are dead!!”

shiv be like

“all my friends are dead”

some cool level-up art! I notice these are the same pictures as used on the japanese site. i wonder if they change depending on which VH you’ve picked (If you’re playing Amara/Fl4k, do you get pics of Amara and Fl4k? the player is playing moze, afterall).

also also “it’s a KIA on the knife wielding maniac. suuuper dead.” 

it’s cool that the VHs have specific lines for the deaths of bosses. i hope that continues and it’s not just a ‘15 min of intro gameplay’ thing. you know, where everything is super detailed in the beginning and then slowly gets less and less as the game progresses? anyway, moze’s little chuckle is fuckin adorable lol

ah. the door closes now so you can’t even explore Shiv’s room before Lilith shows up. gearbox plS you know me too well, i was looking for a g l i m p s e

claptrap’s voice line for getting released is SUPER off time, he hits the ground before going “you did it! i’m sa-ahhhhhhhh!” it’s weird, wondering if that’s just a glitch.

also also we get a nice listen to the revive ally sound. i could’ve sworn it wasn’t in the first look at this mission we got, because i heard it for the first time during the coop Zane/Amara gameplay on Promethea. i might be wrong, tho.

im very curious what these symbols are claptrap is beaming up

i mean you know what im gonna say

they look eridian

and they do

so wtf clappy why u beaming up eridian letters to Lilith

i assume maybe Tannis gave clappy some weird upgrade or something so he could communicate with the crimson raiders without the CoV listening in? it could be that Tannis or someone is decoding this message since Tannis does know how to translate Eridian (as shown in her bl1 ECHOs)

... or at the very least she gave Lilith a translator

the darkening makes it so that you can see the crackening. also this COULD just be a beam that lilith can see from wherever she is, but i want to believe there’s more eridian stuff. bc eridian stuff is fun.

this is so fu cking crisp im dying i love it

lilith’s tattoos spreading down her fingers

same symbol as her chest tattoo. maybe the symbol denotes new powers? like how lily has one on her chest for phasewalking, and a new one on her hand for teleportation

i love how her wings look like actual fire. i fucking love this

lilith is looking so fucking good in the new engine

im glad they got rid of her super red eyes, tbh it looked a bit weird

i think they are really pushing her fire affinity, im sure we’ll see Maya has an elemental affinity as well (im calling corrosive) and im sure Tyreen will too (slag). Amara looks to be Shock because that’s her ‘default’, but who knows until (if) bl4 comes out. but corrosive wings on maya would look SOOO fucking cool. please. please please please.

god she looks so good compared to bl2. i love how the tattoos softly glow in the dark, too. i gotta play this mission late in the day...

“you’re... the voice in my head, right?” i love this so much, i really hope my shitpost comes true.

lilith gives you a grenade mod for completing her mission! im really glad they are PUSHING through the tutorial/intro so you can get right into the game. bl2′s ‘intro’ of all these tutorials was brutal. especially waiting to unlock your action skill.

in 3 you get your action skill automatically at level 2!!! which is insane, i love it! they’re jumping right into it, it’s great. and they seem to be pushing for you to get all the stuff you need right away. 

it’s curious to note that in bl3 we get our class mods at the end of the Promethea demo (after Gigamind), since in bl2 you get your first (usually?) after the hunting the firehawk mission and both seem to take place immediately after we get to the ‘base of operations’ of the game (Sanctuary vs Sanctuary-III).

yep that quest is 100% in line with the quest marker. 

i imagine From the Ground Up may be discovering where the Vault Map/Key actually is? maybe bringing people to the Recruitment Center (notably Tannis)

for this scene. i hope this takes place after the HBC, because i seriously... can’t imagine the twins showing up, taking the Vault Map, bringing it to the HBC, and then NOT taking Lilith’s powers/trying to kill Lily and accidentally taking her powers. it just doesn’t make sense, Vault Hunters be damned, we are level 2 they could melt us easy peasy. 

If anything, it feels like we COULD find the Vault Map in the Recruitment Center, Tannis tries to activate it/fix it, we find out it’s mega broke, and then the Sun Smashers show up and take it. but i seriously can’t imagine Lilith nor the new VHs allowing that to happen while they’re still there. maybe if Tannis sends us to do something while Lilith is gathering other CR members? then it could make sense if they attack while Tannis is alone with the Key...

OR

we end up finding something in Shiv’s room that shows/helps us realize the Sun Smashers bringing the Vault Map to the Calypsos. tho this would mean the quest From the Ground Up is SUPER short and I imagine it’s not. Maybe we raid a camp of theirs like the one in front of Sanc-III with the bridge/ramp? We need to be about level 6 before we go and we start From the Ground Up at 2 so there’s obviously something DEEP we’re missing here. maybe this is a mission where we go gather the other Crimson Raiders? HMMMMMMMM...

.... oh.

nevermind lmfao

she opens her ECHO immediately after this LOL i feel kinda dumb now

raiding their camp it is! the Droughts sounds like a fun location. Very much like the dust. you guys think there’s a Shade situation going on there? i’m excited to see it. Still think we’re going to use Shiv’s room to get that lead, though. i just really wanna watch tv lmfao. i hope this means the bandits run from the camp to the HBC, or we find info that the bandit warchief sent a party to the HBC with the Vault Map. either way, i just don’t want the twins showing up until after the HBC or i will have so many questions. “why didn’t you kill lilith?” being the first. “the god queen wants her head!” ur goddamn right she does, so why doesn’t she (try to) kill lilith???

85% already?! hot damn

also

that’s one badass description there, Moze

also also

while having gun slots locked is pretty normal, im surprised they’re locking class mods and relics, too! i wonder when we’ll be able to equip relics. maybe when we first go to eden-6 or smth. or maybe after we meet up with Rhys. shit maybe he’s just handing us an artifact (im gonna interchange these a lot, sorry!) in that Promethea video lmfao

“ready to chuck some boom and frag some maniacs” lol moze i love you

if you’re playing Zane... `equips grenade mod for checkmark` `immediately equips second action skill and never actually uses grenade mod`

“it’s the firehawk! the god queen wants her head!” 

like i alluded to before, i would not be surprised if Tyreen doesn’t know she can absorb Siren powers... when she goes to succ lilith in front of Sanctuary-III, it’s totally possible she actually was trying to kill her. That could explain why she looks so intrigued at her hand like “oh shit okay lets see what this can do”

might be why she was okay with sending her cultists after her instead of showing up herself.

“alright, we got a foothold. maybe things are turning our way. come on killer, you’re with me” we are going to explore the SHIT out of shiv’s room.

alright alright alright

let’s move on to the Sanctuary-III stuff

yessss

i love the quest objective thing, it looks like we will be able to swap through our quests with the push of a button! also im curious why exactly we’re going to promethea right away. i wonder if the twins say something about moving there after getting the vault map/lilith’s powers, or if we hear from rhys. im expecting something about the vault map, since our vh will admit they don’t know rhys at all when talking to lorelei. but for some reason we need to be within the city limits? since lily says ellie got us within the city limits. 

hmmmmmm. okay, okay, maybe the map was trying to lead us to promethea for vault reasons during that short amount of time that we had it and it was working. maybe promethea is what we see when tannis is activating the key during that one cutscene? ohhh shit how dope would it be if we got that fucking easter egg message? omg “Children of the Vault. Come to Promethea. We are not on Pandora anymore. Tannis is not what she seems. Do not open the Vaults.” and everyone is like ‘uh did that thing just mention Tannis by name??’ and now it’s REALLY important to get the map back just so we can figure out wtf it’s trying to tell us. 

i will question how ‘Tannis is not what she seems’ would affect character relationships, especially if it’s said so early in the game. so perhaps we only hear the first part of the message. maybe it’s corrupted because it was recently broken. iunno. just playing around with ideas. the canon of this game is like flarp putty until sept. 13th

anyway moving on because this is literally the first f r a m e of the video

i like that you can see pandora’s eridian scar. if the destroyer is speaking through eridium to people, it’s gonna bust outta the side of this planet like you wouldn’t fucking believe lmao. eridium is a window to the soul and if you stare long enough into its glossy, shining sides, the destroyer stares back

that or it’s just like a beacon, slowly spreading its influence across the universe. but i like the idea that the destroyer can waltz out of a big enough hunk of eridium. so it will bust out of pandora’s eridium scar. F in chat for pandora but also lmfao the amount of tentacles and rage would be unparalleled.

reality is that the twins are probably farming this scar for eridium to turn into slag for multiple purposes. like brainwashing their cultists, giving them powers, and ensuring their guns have their manufacturer’s quirk (im getting to this in my next post bc im just gonna compile all the ign gun videos into one big post)

the floor art is different from the actual sanc-iii demo. i mention this first in my behind closed doors panel analysis, but im gonna mention it again because this is ~official~. the floor list on the first walkthru of sanc-iii we got had the names of all the crimson raiders and lines leading to their shops. so we had the infirmary/tannis, marcus, moxxi, etc listed on the floor. i imagine this new sanc-iii will change as we get more people on board or if we do a sort of re-decoration of the ship.

also also, it’s cool to see that we have 4 rooms on the minimap, likely one for each of the VHs (and your coop buddies). ive seen speculation that the other, non-played VHs will hang out in their rooms when you’re not playing them, and tbh i really hope this is the case.

we also know this version of sanctuary-iii is after pandora, so there are no promethea citizens aboard yet. which makes me double certain the first sanc-iii video we got takes place either after endgame (explaining why Lily has her tattoos back) or right after Athenas (explaining why Maya is there). which... i mean... spoilers, guys. 

that’s one good lookin fast travel station, holy shit

im in tears over here because “Caution: no steppy”. this is so fucking funny to me

no steppy on me

okay moving on because i will cry laugh over this for forever im allowed

moze’s room is so much different than amara’s

also i notice she’s on the left of the two on the top, which makes me hope the other 4 are reserved for the other VHs (or your coop buddy).

compared to the official sanc-iii demo video

and amara’s room

moze’s is so barren oh my god

someone get this girl like... a colorful throw pillow or something

baaank. also doubles as the secret stash. kinda upsetting, because that is infinitely less loot i can store when i make a lot of characters. also if i upgrade the bank once, is it upgraded across all my other characters too? or are the guns i put in storage slot 11 locked up until i buy the upgrade?

either way, i am saddened because no more mule characters. and way less space the more characters you make and more gear you find, because all gear you put in here is there across all characters. i hope this means our backpacks will be a lot bigger this time around!

supamax mfg shows up again

ppm/04-02 matches up with the number behind the fast travel station. i wonder if this will come into play. if the number changes later in-game im going to freak the fuck out bc that means wherever we are isn’t actually sanctuary-iii

ppm/04-02. remember that 👀

also, the wall behind the golden chest changed from red to steel/greenish. can’t tell the actual color. same as the floor

you know. that color.

“golden keys are popular. you can get some in-game and also get them online”

in-game you say??? im interested! i wonder if there will be some sort of arena (like moxxi’s) where if you complete it you get a key as a reward. i saw people speculating about some sort of randomized boss rush, that could definitely be a way to get gold keys, as well.

oooo engine room! im excited to explore here.

original size is 16. so, we have 40 backpack slots! still... you know... only 1 above the max of bl2, but hey. at least that’s an upgrade. as small as it may be

on the bright side: bank upgrades increase capacity by 5. with a base of 10, and 8 upgrades, we have 50 slots to fill. which is a big leap from the original 24. it is still a shame we have to share these across characters, tho

offline cultist stream? makes me think the CoV really was trying to steal/take over sanc-iii from the crimson raiders and we went to go take it (back?) in Taking Flight. either the CoV found/ordered Sanc-III, or the crimson raiders were building it/fixing it up, their stronghold got taken over, and the CoV were prepping it for takeover.

the shooting range. and if you notice that little CoV symbol in the bottom left there? yeah pretty much backs up my previous theory

all those red bits are tied to ellie’s crew challenge. so we’ll be collecting things for her!

an altar for scooter 😢

“we’re gonna get those cultism sumbitches, believe you me”

where you get yeeted out of Sanc-III. im definitely going to try jumping in it to see if it kills me. doesn’t look like the drop pods are available yet

that’s not clappy, pretty sure he’s hanging out on the bridge right now

schematics for veronica

the thing i was most excited about in this video!

loooots of customizations! which excites me because i know eridium used to get useless late game when you’ve grinded all the raid bosses. it looks like eridum is going to be in ultra high demand. but u can bet ur ass im gonna be unlocking all those fucking customizations asap.

veteran rewards is also super super interesting

hgggggg i wanna know what the shields do!!! 

i like the vault symbol at the top of the item card as well, shows you its a special type of weapon/item. im honestly surprised we’re able to buy ‘veteran rewards’ so early in the game? i mean obvi we won’t have enough eridium (look at the costs!) but it’s wild it’s even accessible. im personally a fan of the first bonus ‘anointed: gain life steal on action skill end’

looks like these guns have been chosen

to give them those special bonuses

i do see that just anointed is not class specific, but the ones that say anointed gunner or maybe anointed siren will be (confirmed by the devs in video).

you pay with eridium, so maybe the vending machine has some way to confer the power of eridium to the guns. or some shit. iunno. it’s possible this won’t be available until the end of the game, hence veteran rewards, and is only being shown to us right now since this is a showcasing video.

pandoran civilian. no promethea civilians today folks! i am CONVINCED that the old sanc-iii demo takes place after the end of the game. at least after athenas.

it’s weird seeing moxxi hanging outside her bar.

is also cool to know that the 4 slot machines are actually available. seems like npcs can play them, but we can use all 4 if we want to. which is really nice

the one on the far left is called the ‘loot boxxer’ and it gives mostly guns lol. i see they are taking jabs. good for them

better pic of the leftmost machines

Zer0 seems to have a bounty board? not sure if this is like a physical bounty board or if they will contact you when they want something dead, but it is cool to note. this isn’t shown in video, just the devs speaking about it.

similarly hammerlock has ‘big game hunts’ where you find “rare, challenging creatures” and kill them for him

apparently we’ll be killing something known as a manvark

this book

i fucking recognize this book

HAMMERLOCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

in all seriousness tho

hammerlock probably isn’t in his room because we haven’t rescued him from eden-6 yet.

a cool thing about the crew challenges: as you progress through the game and do these challenges, sanc-iii will ‘grow and change to reflect the things you’ve accomplished’. altho another dev says “sometimes these are optional things, like challenges” 

so now im like oh shit we’re gonna change sanc-iii as we play the game. i wonder if that means we’ll be changing the hull, too. because you know. the blue paint job. we gotta go STEALTH. sneaky beaky into the calypsos fleety

tannis doesn’t have the saurian on her table. also, interesting note, she DOES have the eridian log in the corner. meaning she must have had that before eden-6. interesting... maybe we’ll find more on Pandora.

she is still covered in blood tho. idk i don’t have an explanation for that. don’t think i want to think of one, to be quite honest.

oh no. (those are skulls next to all the gurneys)

“tannis plays a much bigger role in bl3 than she has in past games”. bigger than borderlands 1? that is... impressive. she’ll be running the health vending machines (which is weird bc i could’ve sworn in the promethea demo, zed was still running them... hm.)

another angle of sanc-iii

clappy? you good there?

the devs said they’re using him to plug a hole. i assume the calypsos shot at the ship as we’re leaving or smth.

lily with no tattoos, who also looks significantly more pissed than her other sanc-iii demo counterpart

you know. because she got her tattoos.

also

fucking

lilith says something right here. all i can make out is “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like tannis said. ..... [inaudible] Siren.” maybe some weird word i haven’t heard before? i swear she’s saying ‘like tannis said: a ‘m...’ Siren” but i am not 100% sure. if someone could help me out, that’d be rad.

so its sounding like lilith rushed in with explicit warning from tannis about tyreen stealing her powers, and tannis knew tyreen was some sort of Siren and warned lily, but lily didn’t listen. it could also be that lily is saying something like “im not a siren” but i can’t really hear it if she is. it sounds like she saying a word that starts with m to me. if someone could help me with this i’d owe you my life

whew. i am. fucking TIRED.

im gonna sleep for like 3 hours and then wake up and make food before the fl4k streams start.

[tvehyungs-gf]

Youngblood

Part 1 of the Jet Black Heart Series. Song of the chapter: Youngblood. Playlist: Youtube ver.  ━  Spotify ver. Word Count: 3.18K.

Without a doubt, Jeon Jungkook was, sorry, is your everything. And everyone knew that he meant absolutely everything to you; he is your entire world. You loved him and he loved you, so what more could you ask for? Maybe you should’ve kept that in mind because who knew you were asking for more than what you originally bargained for. Life is unpredictable.

To start it off, Jeon Jungkook has a title, and damn you, he held that title with the utmost confidence. Jungkook is an Idol, the golden maknae of the globally famous, Bangtan Sonyeondan. The two of you met a long while ago, way before BTS started to grow more popular overseas. Those days back then were forever ingrained in your memories and it was always repeating in your damn pretty little head. 

Will they ever go away? You ask yourself that every fucking day because they’re starting to feel like nightmares that just keeps reoccurring - they never stopped playing.

Your relationship began like no other relationship. Upon your first meeting, the two of you were already quite fond of another. Seeing beauty that matches each others beauty was the first thing, then knowing that your personalities complimented another was another, but the main reason that the two of you were so attracted to one another was the bond. It was like God has created him for you and you for him. You both were so fit and so perfect for another. 

And everyone agreed. The fans, hell, they loved your relationship. You were a power couple to them, a couple they could look up to, a couple they idolized. The company? They couldn’t even form the idea to tear you two apart. Your relationship was a win-win for them. You bought them more exposure, not like they needed it, and now they don’t have to worry about dating rumors. And the boys? Damn, they were more than happy that Jungkook met you. You were able to bring out the real Jungkook. You took away his shyness and replaced it with the confidence he now emits. Jungkook became a confident and strong man and it was all thanks to you, and of course Bangtan. 

And for you? Jungkook helped you with your photography. He became your muse and he was one of the main reasons why you’re so important in the photography world. He was the solution to your problems. He always lent you a hand when you need him, he helped you kickstart your career and molded it into where you were today.

Mainly, he helped you capture the beauty in everything, even in the off-putting, unpalatable contrivances. Most importantly, he helped you capture the beauty in the most disgusting, disturbing, and malicious thing known to man - his jet black heart.

Like the famous quote, nothing perfect last forever. And the two of you had to learn that the longest, hardest, and dreadful way. 

“Baby?” You bellowed out, your chin resting on top of Jungkook’s broad chest. You looked up to see that Jungkook was already looking down at you with an eyebrow raised. He’s so cute.

“Hmm?” He hummed, his hands tangling themselves into your hair effortlessly. “What’s up, baby?”

The two of you were laying in the back of his managers truck, a mattress fitting perfectly in the back. With blankets and pillows adorning the top of the mattress, both of you laid underneath the cold night sky. The slight breeze made goosebumps rise onto your skin causing you to shake ever so slightly. You rested on top of him, with your chin on top of his chest and your arms wrapped around his (very) fit frame. “Love me till the day I die.”

He laughed cutely. “I was already planning on it, babe.”

You smiled, nuzzling the side of your head into him. You were able to hear his heart go boom boom boom. “I love you so much.” You breathed in his scent with delight as you closed your eyes in content. He smelled like your Victoria’s Secret perfume and that alone made you giggle. “I love you so so damn much, Jeon Jungkook.” You closed your eyes in comfort. You were on cloud nine and no one could change that.

Jungkook’s smile grew wide as he leaned towards your forehead, giving it a long and sweet peck. You felt at peace. If you were to die right now, you would’ve died happily in the arms of the man you love so fucking much. Jungkook rested his head back down onto the pillow and stared at the stars dancing away in the sky. 

The stars that were looking down at the loving couple were smiling. If Jungkook was happy, then they were happy too.

You both laid there for a while. It went from watching the sunset to watching the sunrise. “Holy,” You laughed, your body sore from just laying in the same position for the longest time. “It’s already seven in the morning!” A yawn escaped your lips as you sat up to stretch. You moaned contently, your limbs feeling all weird. 

Jungkook chuckled as he mimicked your stretching. “I’m going to be in so much trouble when I get back to the company.” Tears dripped from his eyes due to his yawn. “Want to get coffee first though? I kinda want coffee to be the last thing I taste.”

You laughed at your careless boyfriend. “What about my kisses?” You frowned playfully making him let out a chortle. “I’m kidding, but, hell yeah. I can’t believe we just laid there talking till sunrise - literally.”

Your boyfriend agreed with a smile. “Time goes by fast when you’re with the one you love.”

Rolling your eyes at his cheesiest, you both began to clean up the truck before heading off to grab a morning cup of coffee. If only things continued to live out like this...

“Jeon fucking Jungkook, are you kidding me?” You laughed hysterically, something you’ve done about a million times in moments like these. “You’re delusional Jeon, really.” You rolled your eyes and folded your arms across your puffed out chest. Light sweat started to moisten your forehead as you stood there heating up with anger. “I’m so pissed off right now! I- I don’t even know what to say. I can’t even form any articulate sentences right now.”

Jungkook sighed, sitting down on the couch, his body relaxed into the fluffy cushions. “It’s not even that big of a deal, babe.” His left arm rested on top of the black pillows. He was nonchalant about this whole thing and it made you even more upset.

“It’s not a big deal?” You asked clearly annoyed. “Fuck you, babe.” You mocked his tone of voice. “It was my best friends birthday Jungkook! You were supposed to come with me and help out with the party! You know how important it was to her. It’s her 21st!”

“Y/N, it’s just a damn party! And I had work! I’m making money so we can both live comfortably! You can’t get mad at me because I can’t get a day off to go to a damn party.” He rolled his eyes irritated. “Not like you would understand.” He scoffed.

You rolled your eyes back. He crossed the line. “Get out.”

“Get out?” Jungkook raised a brow, lips in a straight thin line.

You nodded as if it was obvious, “Get out. I’m tired of this back and fourth Jungkook. I want you...” You stopped abruptly, your voice becoming soft and low. “Out of my...” Could you even say it? Did you really want him out? Did you have the heart to continue?

“Say it, Y/N.” Jungkook stood up swiftly as his hands flew to your shoulders. “Say you want me out of your life.” He gripped onto you so tightly that you could the bruises forming on your shoulders.

You looked down, tears pooling in your eyes. “I-” You couldn’t even look at him. You were so pathetic for playing the same games - for starting them without finishing them. 

“I’m just a dead man walking tonight.” Jungkook sighed, letting go of you. “Same shit but a different day.” He shook his head and walked away from the pathetic girl.

“Walk away, like you like you usually do.” You whispered closing your eyes before you fell back onto the couch. Your head rested in your hands as you sighed. “Walking away is something you’re so used too.”

Tears pooled your eyes again. The loud slam from upstairs made you flinched even though you knew it was going to happen. Jungkook needed to be alone and so did you. “Why is it so easy for you to walk away?”

You let out a deep breath. “But why is it so hard for you to stay?” You wiped your falling tears. That was something you had gotten used to - wiping your own tears. Jungkook was usually always there to wipe away the tears that he caused, but now, he seemed okay with leaving without cleaning up the mess he left behind. “I’m so pathetic for staying.”

You laughed quietly to yourself. “We’re so broken, yet, we keep building this house of cards just for it to tumble down in our faces, mocking us as if we’re idiots.” You sat back against the cushion and pulled your legs up, folding them criss-cross. “We just keep making the same mistakes.”

It’s been hours, and you finally felt like you were able to breathe again. You were intoxicated with the darkness, your eyes hazy from the tears.

After the argument, you sat there on the couch with your head resting in your knees and your legs pulled to your chest. For hours, you didn’t move an inch, not because you didn’t want, but because you couldn’t. You honestly felt like you couldn’t do anything at that moment. Everything seemed to all just go wrong and it made you feel sick to your stomach. Your relationship with Jungkook was complicated. It just wasn’t like how it was used to be - at all. 

When everything first started changing, you didn’t know if it was changing for the better or for the worst... You’re starting to think it’s the latter. You were beginning to feel suffocated in a room full of air. Was that possible? Of course. 

Jungkook was the cause of your despair. It was ludicrous of you for staying, but when you’re consistently making bad choices, it’s hard to break out of the habit. And you had it so bad. Your relationship now was the result of bad choices and it began to bite back harder. It was hard to chew.

Letting out a deep breath, you stood up. Your joints cracked loudly as you stretched your tired, exhausted body. You were completely drained. Arguing with Jungkook has become a normal thing in your daily lives and it was quite unfortunate because now, it was starting to drain the hell out of the both of you. You were living in a nightmare and you had pictures to prove it.

Looking at the clock, you realized that it has now fallen to night time. Jungkook hasn’t left your room ever since the argument and the house has become dead silent. The only sounds coming in were from a busy city called Seoul. Looking out the open window, you took in a deep breath you didn’t know you needed.

You looked down at the city before you, cars looking like miniature ants crawling across the road. The city looked like a playset, you were the observer and the mastermind. You had to take control of how you wanted the game to be, how it goes, and how it ends. It’s just like life, but life is harder than you wished it was. Then again, life is what you make it out to be.

Turning around, you looked at the dark hallway that leads to the stairs. Maybe it was time to go see how Jungkook was doing, you thought. It time to direct your life like how you wished it was. You knew that you have to take control. If you wanted things to go in your favor then you had to put the big girl pants on and be the director. There’s no more time to play actress and follow a shitty script.

So with tired steps, you slowly made your way up the stairs and towards your shared bedroom. Your heart began to beat fast and it was making you more anxious than you already were. Taking a deep breath, you placed your hand on the doorknob and opened the white door.

Jungkook sat on the bed with his legs straight and a blanket that had a flocculent precipitate on his lap. His head rested back against the wooden headboard with his eyes were closed and his lips parted. He was asleep.

You always envied him. He somehow always manages to look ethereal even when he’s asleep. You couldn’t help but think that he looked adorable despite how pissed off you were at him. With a small smile, you sat down beside him with him facing the side of your body. You looked down at your lap and fiddled with your thumbs. You needed to clear your mind and be the bigger person. Take life by the balls and all that.

“Y/N...” Jungkook mumbled making you look up. His eyes were partly opened as a little yawn escaped past his lips. 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” 

He shook his head before readjusting his position to where he was sitting beside you. He rubbed away his tiredness from his eyes. “No, you’re okay. You didn’t wake me.” Jungkook looked at the floor, lips parting. “Look, Y/N... I’m sorry.”

You followed his gaze to the floor as you slid your right hand on top of his left hand. “No. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I overreacted over something so stupid and small and it was just ridiculous of me to get mad about it.”

“I think we’re both at faults.” Jungkook sighed. He stood up, pulling you up with him. “I was thinking earlier...” He slid his hands away from yours as he stared at you. You raised your brow at him in confusion.

“Do you remember the worlds you told me?” Jungkook asked, his hands now resting on both sides of your cheeks.

You shook your head. “No...”

He laughed. “I figured.” He sighed shaking his head as his hands fell down to his lap. “The seven words still echo through me each and every day. It’s a quest that is so hard to complete, yet, I still try.” Jungkook let out another small laugh. He seemed like a manic losing his mind. “Love me till the day I die.” He spoke loudly as he counted each word on his fingers. The words that left his mouth pained you. You remembered now. The words stung every vein in your body as you took in the words.

You looked down as the painful truth began to heat up your body. “Surrender my everything,” He laughed menacingly. “Cause’ you made me believe that you’re mine.” The groom man shook his head again as he let out a small chuckle. “You know what’s funny Y/N?”

He looked at you with dark eyes. “You used to call me baby, but now?” He licked his dry lips making them wet. “Now, you’re calling me by my name.”

You looked away. You remembered just hours before when you called him by his name. Arguing or not, you only called him by his name. Where did you guys go so wrong? What moment in your relationship did the two of you make a wrong mistake? You still loved him but the way you were showing it said otherwise. How did you get to this point? How did you guys get so low?

“It’s funny.” He laughed shortly. “We were doing so well, Y/N. We got through all of our struggles but now, we’re falling so behind.” Jungkook shook his head as he smiled before looking at you. “But we’re still together trying to get through everything as if everything’s okay. But, I have a question for you.” 

Jungkook stared at you waiting for a response he wasn’t going to get. You stayed quiet, your heart prancing in your chest. “Why are we still trying to fix a broken relationship?”

You looked away from his harsh stare. 

You couldn’t answer that.

Or rather, was it because you didn’t want to?

Jungkook nodded as if he already knew the answer. He laughed like a mad man as tears sprung in his brown eyes. He made it seem as if everything was just a funny joke, as if the two of you were comedians telling the audience a made up story of a broken relationship between two idiots who knew everything but the obvious. At this point, you were waiting for the stage crew to close the red curtains - the play was over now.

“Y/N, we’re not getting any younger.” He spoke after he finished laughing. “And we’re not getting anywhere by just playing this game of house of cards, because baby, every time we start building up our house, everything just keeps crashing down.”

You looked at him. You had enough. “Then what do you suggest we do, Jungkook?” You frowned as you let out a sob. “What do you want to do? Do you want to break up? Is that what you want? I barely even see you anymore and the times I do, we argue. Are you tired of this yet? Or are you having fun with it?” You cried harder. “Do you enjoy seeing me in my misery? Do you feel good with yourself knowing that I’m that fucking idiot who will always keep coming back to you even though...” You let out a small breath, your voice softer now. “Even though we’re not meant to be together anymore? I know we keep playing this dumb game and I keep starting it over and over again.”

“What makes it worse is that it’s all crashing down on us with us inside.” He finished his statement from before. Jungkook placed his cold hands on your bare shoulders. “In the end,” Jungkook stared at you. His eyes red and watery, cheeks wet with salty tears. “We’re not going to make it... but even so, I keep hoping that we can do it, as long as you’re still by my side. As selfish as that sounds, that’s what I want. I don’t care if this relationship will be the death of Jeon Jungkook, as long as I’m still beside you, I don’t fucking care. This house of cards will be the death of me and I won’t fucking give a fucking damn.”

Screw ‘taking life by the balls’. It’s hard to break out of something when you made it your habit. It’s just that yours is making bad choices. And you just made another one.

I’m so excited that part 1 is officially out! Whoop! Please let know what you guys think!

Part 2 will be out on June 28th!

➝ ask box ➝ bts masterlist

[siyeonjisoo]

Oookay.  Long post in-coming.  TL:DR is I saw the GazettE yesterday and while it was a really fucking long day, IT WAS AMAZING AND ALL WORTH IT AND I LOVE THEM AND MY FRIENDS <3 <3 <3

SO my day started at 3:50am when I woke up.  got on a train at 5:17 in the morning to get to NYC by 7.  I ended up being the 34th person in line.  The folks at the front of the line had come straight from Dallas and started lining up at 4am which is both insane but awesome.  I was waiting for the discord friends to show up and was the second one to show up.  the line was originally along the front entrance of the building and all mixed.  The business on the corner, however, really hates the lines being in front of their entrance so we actually got split from VIP and GA really early.  I think it was like 9am when that happened and all of us who are familiar with how shit Playstation staff’s organization usually is were shook.

My friends and I had a great time hanging out all day long so I got no complaints, even though I sat my ass on a sidewalk in Times Square for 10 hours yesterday.  We had ourselves organized and knew we were gonna be fine but Playstation staff showed their true identities by trying to fuck with it all day long.  We all got in several shouting matches of them just going on power trips and us trying to explain that they don’t have to worry about us.

I also painted my nails at some point in line haha

Because we were so damn close to the doors, we could hear soundcheck from outside.  They played Zetsu, Shadow VI II I, Sumire, and Bathroom and I was fucking crying so much then.  Those were the first tears of the day, I think, but nowhere near the last.  We were all freaking out over it.

A little bit after that, I went on a trip to use the bathroom (which was the last time I think I went before I got home at 2am lol.  Held anything from like 3pm till then).  We were going to the Hardrock Cafe for that so we had to walk from the alley tunnel where the VIP lines were around the block past the main entrance of Playstation.  A staff member came walking out just as a car was pulling up with 3 men in the backseat.  They all had light blonde hair and masks on.  Staff hurriedly ushered them inside.  I saw the eyes of one of the guys and I swear to god that it may have been Kai.  It was after the soundcheck so unless staff did the soundcheck for them, they went out for lunch after and I saw them when they came back.  Which is possible.  So yeah, that may have happened.

We were allowed to go inside starting around 6:30 so we started organizing ourselves into the number order we had around 5 just so we could be ready when staff started letting us in.  I was standing from 5pm then until like 9:45, after the concert ended.  At 6:10, they started organizing us by letting us snake through to get our VIP bands and (if you were Heresy) other bracelets.  We got like 25 people through that way and it was taking REALLY long so they gave up on that and sent the first bunch through.  Because a lot of people weren’t there (either were GA given a # by accident or just not there) I ended up being within the first 20 to get inside.

I hit up the merch table to get a Reita bear and because of that, lost the chance to get the barricade but I still was in the 3rd row on the side that I wanted to be on.  It was around 7 by then and we were all just waiting for everyone to get in.  I talked with all the people around me and we all had a great time.  At 8:02, the concert started.

Here is the setlist:

99.999

Falling

NINTH ODD SMELL

GUSH

Vortex

Venomous Spider's Web

THE MORTAL

SONO KOE WA MOROKU

DOGMA

The Suicide Circus

INCUBUS

UGLY

ABHOR GOD

Filth in the Beauty

encore

INSIDE BEAST

Cockroach

Tomorrow Never Dies

I managed to keep my spot in front of Reita in the 3rd row for the entire show, only moving like an inch or two away from center, toward Aoi.  By the time Vortex happened, I definitely was not standing on my own feet but was being held up by the crowd and swaying all around with them.  I had one foot on the ground to keep me, well, grounded, and was just being pushed back and forth with the crowd from then on.  I don’t think I have been that covered in sweat in my entire life.  My shirt was fucking drenched, thank goodness it was a thick material so the white didn’t become transparent at least haha.

The folks directly behind me were holding onto my shoulders and back to balance while headbanging and that pushed me forward and backward so I was headbanging better so thanks fam!

I also got a punch in the eye at one point and this was the thought process of my reaction (over the span of like 2 seconds):  "oh no, i'm a daycare teacher! I can't have a black eye!" then "fuck it, I'm at a concert I don't care" then "wait it didn't even hurt that much why was I so dramatic".  There was no damage and I was just being dramatic so enjoy laughing at me.

I was right in front of Reita so I got lots of him.  He stuck his tongue out while making eye contact with me at one point.  I saw heaven in that moment.  He also kept doing this weird little waving thing with his hand throughout and it was really fucking cute and made me laugh while doing it back at him.

Ruki would also hop up in the area right in front of us, right on the edge of the stage, and after the first time he came there, I was on that one foot until the main set ended.  Seeing Ruki’s dorky dancing in person, that close, is so funny.  I laughed so hard every single time he did his little chicken neck dance thing.  Can’t take him seriously when he does that.

Aoi was teasing all of us and being a handsome man.  He also attempted to turn Sono Koe wo Moroku into a sexy song with how he was dancing there.

Kai and Uruha were on their side of the stage the entire time and I couldn’t see either of them very well but every time I did, they were breathtakingly beautiful and seemed to be having so much fun.

Main set ended around 9:08.  We chanted back and forth between encore and gazetto for like 11 or 12 minutes before they came back on.

Aoi and Reita stayed in their costumes while Kai and Uruha had changed into tour shirts.  URUHA LOOKED SO FUCKING SEXY IN HIS BECAUSE he had cut the sleeves off and the collar so it was a low v-neck style.  Made his choker necklace stand out even more and HOLY FUCK IS THAT MAN SEXY.  Kai took his microphone and yelled at us in English about how fucking awesome we were and it was so nice hearing him curse for some reason.  I can’t explain why it was so nice to hear but it was.  After that, they started a slightly elongated instrumental intro to Inside Beast before Ruki came out on stage and he also had not changed out of his costume.

The only time that Uruha came past the center onto my side was during Inside Beast I think.  The only words I could think at that moment were “oh my god, that man is so beautiful”.

I knew that Tomorrow Never Dies was going to be the last song they played so as soon as Ruki started saying “last”, I started feeling like I was going to cry.  But the problem with that was the fact that I had sweated out so much liquid that I had no tears.  So I sobbed but without tears throughout that entire song.  After that song, Aoi, Uruha, and Reita threw their pics into the crowd.  One of Aoi’s landed like a foot or two to my left but either someone caught it and didn’t tell anyone or it got lost cause no one claimed to have caught it after.

Kai had his phone and took a picture from behind his drumset.  I think it was a selfie with us in the background.  Then he came down to the front, smiley as ever, and took some more pics of just us.  I found myself.  I’m in the purple circle here

We then all went up to the chairs in the back to wait for it to be M&G time.  I would have been fine if my day had ended there, honestly, because it had already been amazing.  But no, there was still more.  It was like 9:30/9:40 when they started clearing the rows to go through.  I was surprisingly calm about it because I was concentrating on my promise to a friend.  She was behind me in line and I had promised to get Aoi to wish her a happy birthday since it is today, the day after the concert.  So I focused on that and making sure I could say that to him instead of freaking out over anything else.

so the order was Aoi, Reita, Ruki, Kai, Uruha.  one by one, here is what happened.

Aoi: he takes my hands and thanks me in English.  I thank him in Japanese while marveling in how SOFT his hands are.  Then I tell him, again in Japanese, about it being my friends bday tomorrow and asking him to say something.  He looks at her and grins and nods to me.  Reita is staring at me now and I almost froze having both of them looking straight at me at the same time.

Reita: I hand to him the card I wrote for all of them and he takes it while saying, in English, “For me?” and he sounded so cute.  I corrected him and said it was for all of them and he nodded and thanked me, in Japanese, and I thanked him too.  I kinda didn’t even notice that he wasn’t looking at me with two eyes because I was in so much shock.

Ruki: He gave me the softest smile as he took my hand in both of his.  I thanked him and almost couldn’t let go of his hands.  Not because of me, but because of him not wanting to let go.  I think he saw my tattoo when we shook hands which makes me happy.

Kai: THIS MAN IS SO SWEET.  I thanked him while we shook hands and this is kinda when I started losing my mind.  I let go of his hands kinda fast but I told him, in Japanese, that he has an amazing smile and he tilted his head and smiled at me.  Like just at me and my legs almost gave out under me.

Uruha: His hands.  They are so big.  And so soft.  AND HE IS SO FUCKING HOT.  I had completely lost my mind by then so he said thank you in English and I just couldn’t say anything else but thank you in English.  My brain was goop.

I walked away from Uruha on shaky legs, got my VIP little towel, and then collapsed against a wall and started sobbing.  11 and a half years waiting for an opportunity to thank them, face-to-face, finally brought to an end last night and it all just crashed down on me in that moment.

My friend who was behind me came out crying and came straight to give me a hug and we just hugged and cried for almost a minute, just standing there.  Aoi had wished her a happy birthday, as expected, but Reita did too.  That’s why he had been staring at me while I spoke to Aoi lol.

I just wandered around with my friends inside the venue, trying to keep from sobbing completely because ain’t nobody need that kind of attention from a venue’s staff.

My friends all parted ways to go back to their respective Airbnbs or hotels while I started my lonely walk back to Penn station.  But I was still kinda crying so I scanned the crowd of people also walking in that direction until I found people I recognized to be from this concert.  Caught up with them and asked if I could walk with them for a little bit so I wouldn’t be a girl walking through the city, alone, crying, at night.  We ended up stopping to get food together and chatting for like an hour before I had to head off to catch my train.

I cried literally off and on the entire way home.  On the train, walking from train to car, driving home, every step of the way.  I ended up being awake for a solid 22, almost 23, hours yesterday.  My throat is still sore today.  My neck hurts so much.  My heart is so full of emotions that I am still so close to crying at any moment.  All of the stress about the semester up until now? Worth it.  All of my worries about finals? Gone.  I met and spoke with (in Japanese) the human beings who inspired me to start learning Japanese in the first place.  I will be graduating from college in 13 days as both a member of Sigma Tau Delta and cum laude.  Not to be overdramatic or cringey or anything but I know for a fact that I would not be at this point in my life if I hadn’t found this band when I was 11.5 years old.  11.5 years later, this is what my life is like.  I have the money to afford to MEET them.  And the opportunity for it.  Life can change so much.  Like, if anyone ever needs a reminder that “it get’s better” this is it!

The first goal was just to see them in concert.  That was ticked off the list in 2016 at their first world tour.  The second was to meet them and be able to say “thank you” to them in person.  That was ticked off the list last night.  The new goal? get them all to autograph my arm, under where I have their logo, so I can get that tattooed as well.  My entire left arm is going to be dedicated to bands that have shaped who I am so there will also be Miyavi tattoos and maybe even some Berryz Koubou tattoos there one day but for now, the goal is their autographs.  So look out for that.

Also, check out all of my beautiful and lovely friends.  I love them all so much and miss you all already!! (I’m the blondie grinning like a dork because I was so happy!)