#hamlet didn’t actually die he and horatio moved out of denmark and lived peaceful lives hahahahahaahhaaahha yeah guys

[horatiompreg]

horatio is literally the moon to hamlet’s sea im going to be soo sick 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[theflyprinceofdenmark]

ppl should stop hating on Hamlet - in this essay I will

Okay so I have to study for an oral exam tomorrow which effectively means I have been procrastinating for 5 days straight and also thinking about Hamlet a lot (which is not too bad because the exam is partly about Hamlet, but still)

So there’s something I noticed while reading about 93208405203 different essays on Hamlet from about the same amount of perspectives: Every author seems to feel obliged to at least once on a side note mention that Hamlet is a whiny bitch.

Unpopular opinion: He is not.

Like, I mean of course he does complain a lot, I’m not blind or anything. But, I mean, think about it! He’s at Wittenberg and suddenly a messenger pops in and says “Yo Hamlet, your father died oh and btw your mom married your sketchy uncle about 0.34 seconds later.” I would be upset. And then he comes home and everything is super fucked up and no one seems to care about his dad at all. 

So then his best friend from Wittenberg returns and for a moment there is hope but he brings news: Hamlet’s dad is back from the dead and seemingly wants to talk to him? Rough stuff. I mean it, just the sight of a ghost itself is enough to turn some people nuts. But no, the ghost even talks to Hamlet and tells him - Oh right, he’s been murdered! Imagine hearing your dead father has been murdered. Imagine hearing it from your dead father himself. Yeah, right?

Like, and as if that’s not enough he tells Hamlet he can’t rest in peace until he had his revenge. Sadly, Mr. Ghosty McGhostface has no material hands so he can’t do the job himself and Hamlet has to.

YEAH SURE DAD. ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU OTHER THAN KILLING MY UNCLE, THE NEW HUSBAND OF MY MOTHER (WHO I THINK IS A WHORE (she’s not but that’s for another time) BUT STILL LOVE), IN A COURT FULL OF PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT HIM, AT THE REQUEST OF MY DEAD FATHER?

Great.

On top of that, Hamlet totally is a theatre kid. He knows what a tragic plot smells like when there’s one in the making. (See this post for reference.) He knows that he is going to die once the villain of his own tragedy has died. Because then -  and only then - there’s no use for Hamlet himself anymore.

And Hamlet does not want that. Hamlet, who is either 16 and troubled or 30 and frayed at every edge,* Hamlet does not want to die. He does not want to kill, even if it’s his fathers murderer. He’s not ready, and therefore he weeps. Because all together it’s just a bit too much. And I totally get that.

You might say, “But what about Laertes? He almost did the job, so it’s possible” - Yeah, I know. He heard rumors about his father’s death and stormed the castle and attacked the king who just barely got away; an immense sacrilege. But that’s because Laertes is a different kind of man. He’s a hothead and a warrior, he doesn’t hold human lives as precious as Hamlet does. He’s angry, and he wants revenge. From the inside. Hamlet, on the other hand, is forced, blackmailed almost, from the outside into committing a murder he’s not ready for. He’s forced to want revenge. He had no choice. But he has the chance to stall for a bit, and he takes it.

“Okay I get that he’s sad but why is he whining so much??”, you might continue, and let me tell you, I really think he isn’t. Most of the time he’s actually making dirty jokes and insulting people and playing mad. It’s just when he’s alone (or with Horatio) that his true self and his true thoughts reach the surface. And, putting it plainly, almost everyone he knows deserted him at some point. He feels betrayed by his mother for “switching sides” in a sense, his uncle is a sketchy bastard, even his old friends Rosy and Guil are completely unreliable and working for the tragedy’s assigned villain. The whole court is working against Hamlet, what is he to do? I think he’s holding up pretty well.

“Yeah right and what about Ophelia? He made her literally kill herself” - Yes, he did. He killed her father and he was very, very mean to her. BUT. I read somewhere - I can’t remember where - that the nunnery scene might as well be Hamlet telling Ophelia to get the fuck out of Denmark because shit will be going downhill fast from here. Also I do have to admit that he was being mean and that killing Polonius was a stupid move. But I guess Hamlet would totally agree. He regrets it, but he’s also somewhat seen it coming. Because there is a certain tragic energy around the danish court and there are certain forces that make catastrophes like that inevitable. I know that sounds like an excuse, and it kind of is. But think about it: What kind of a stupid move was hiding behind a curtain to spy on - well, everything - in the first place? There is another man in his mothers bedroom, who was Hamlet most likely to expect? Exactly. Her sketchy husband. Also, I don’t really think Hamlet didn’t notice Claudius and Polonius hiding behind the curtains when he meets Ophelia. He knows that she’s a tool, and he’s disappointed. He’s disappointed because the two most important women in his life turned out to be weak (in his view). And that’s why he is being mean. He’s not telling her to go and drown herself. He’s telling her to stop the charade and also to get away from this terrible place. I don’t think that makes him a bad person.

Anyway, this turned out to be a bit longer than I aimed for, but I guess I got carried away. Thanks for listening to my rant, I guess my exam preparations are waiting.

What I actually just want to say is that Hamlet is not a villain, not even an asshole, and especially not a whiny one. He might even have been a really good person if he’d had the time.

Cheers.

__________________________________________

* There is a theory that Hamlet is supposed to be a teenager or a young man, but when they couldn’t find a young actor suitable to portray him, Will changed his age in V.1, which is literally the only time we get a specific age for Hamlet (and also the only argument there is for him being mid-aged)

[8147]

reading hamlet for the first time (act 5: the finale)

masterlist

none of you told me it was going to be this painful . none of you.

a5s1

“Ophelia’s dead.” “Enter CLOWNS!”

Like im sure this has a different meaning in EMA but im gonna make fun of it because it’s fucking hilarious. (future (present? (now past once more (?))) antares coming back to say i did look at nfs and yeah theyre gravediggers)

“First Clown: What is he that builds stronger than either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter? Second Clown: The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants.” damn not even just this one quote but these are some depressing clowns

hamlet and horatio!

okay there’s something about all of hamlet’s skull talk that makes me uneasy. like, not even the topic, just something in the words and how earnestly and (pardon my pun) gravely hamlet’s speaking about this. and it’s almost a mournful tune, too. it’s a huge difference from his “we’ll all be eaten by the same worms” speech to the point that it’s almost haunting.

“HAMLET: I will speak to this fellow.” C O N F R O N T

“HAMLET: I think it be thine, indeed; for thou liest in't.” (incomprehensible scribbling)

HAMLET, NOT IN ENGLAND: oh yeah lol he was sent to england huh u know why lmao

wait. did the. did the pirate situation get resolved. before act V.

I mean i think hamlet mentioned something about three years but the pirates are so fucking glossed over like what the fuck

“First Clown: 'Twill, a not be seen in him there; there the men are as mad as he.” HOLY SHIT ROAST THEM JFC

“HAMLET: Let me see. (Takes the skull)” THIS IS THE SKULL SCENE! I fucking KNEW it was bullshit that holding the skull was in the to be/not to be speech. I saw it being presented as such like once or twice while reading and I KNEW IT

hm okay so hamlet picks up this guys skull, of someone he used to know, and sure maybe i could ignore the “those lips i have kissed” but then he goes on to mention alexander the great and i mean come on

but jesus like i feel like im not doing justice to the stuff hamlet’s saying. just, the gravity of it all. Its kinda hitting home a bit hard bc like ive had a crippling fear of what happens after death and being forgotten etc since i was like in fourth grade and this is @ing that phobia

like, with that julius ceasar thing. “O that that earth which kept the world in awe / should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw,” it’s so strange. like, every fucking human who has lived, whether they be emperors, murderers, inventors, peasants, or philanthropists- as long as they weren’t blind, they’ve all looked at the same sky. like. It doesnt matter what the fuck you did or didn’t. It’s wild.

“First Priest: No more be done: We should profane the service of the dead To sing a requiem and such rest to her As to peace-parted souls.” hey i get that there are cultural taboos around suicide but like this guy’s a dick it isnt even clear if it was suicide, like, she was so fucking crazy she might not have even known she was, y’know, in a lake or w/e

laertes, dude, my guy. maybe jumping into a grave is cosmic foreshadowing for something you don’t want to happen to you. js.

“HAMLET: [Advancing] What is he whose grief Bears such an emphasis? whose phrase of sorrow Conjures the wandering stars, and makes them stand Like wonder-wounded hearers? This is I, Hamlet the Dane. (Leaps into the grave)” hamlet is NOT one to be out-extra’d (posting-antares here to say, wait, ‘whose phrase of sorrow conjures the stars? is this my aesthetic-speeches-summon-ghosts theory? probably not, but i havent mentioned it for a while)

“LAERTES: The devil take thy soul! (Grappling with him)” IN A FUCKING GRAVE. THEY ARE FIGHTING. IN A GRAVE.

all because hamlet doesn’t want to be out-extra’d. my god.

“QUEEN GERTRUDE: This is mere madness: And thus awhile the fit will work on him; Anon, as patient as the female dove, When that her golden couplets are disclosed, His silence will sit drooping.” Ah yes gertie just talk about the distraught and angry madman as if he isn’t there. that’ll diffuse the situation.

You know what? We still haven’t discussed the pirates.

a5s2

“HAMLET: So much for this, sir: now shall you see the other; You do remember all the circumstance?” If this isn’t gonna be about the pirates im gonna. scream.

“HAMLET: My fears forgetting manners, to unseal Their grand commission; where I found, Horatio,-- O royal knavery!--an exact command, Larded with many several sorts of reasons Importing Denmark's health and England's too, With, ho! such bugs and goblins in my life, That, on the supervise, no leisure bated, No, not to stay the grinding of the axe, My head should be struck off.” god, though. imagine that. being exiled to another country by the person who killed your father, only to find out that they were going to have you killed, anyways. that’s fucking terrifying. jesus christ.

Damn this idea that pretty handwriting is ~beneath~ nobles confuses me so fucking much. I got called haughty once just because my main handwriting is cursive. I mean, they were right, but their evidence was circumstantial at best.

“HAMLET: That, on the view and knowing of these contents, Without debatement further, more or less, He should the bearers put to sudden death, Not shriving-time allow'd.” Hamlet’s Revenge. 

but also, what the fuck, dude. two wrongs dont make a right.

damn i kinda lost myself while reading but it really doesn’t sound like hamlet’s insane anymore. Like he’s… tempered himself. he doesn’t feel insane, just solemn.

“OSRIC: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark. HAMLET: I humbly thank you, sir. Dost know this water-fly?” goddamn ROAST HIM HAMLET (also what a fucking mood)

Osric put on your fucking ha--

The wind is

The wind is northerly

“HAMLET: No, believe me, 'tis very cold; the wind is northerly.” I remember someone saying that this is important

Okay here: “HAMLET: I am but mad north-north-west: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw.”

oh no

Osric just wear ur fucking hat u doof

“OSRIC: Exceedingly, my lord; it is very sultry,--as 'twere,--I cannot tell how. But, my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that he has laid a great wager on your head: sir, this is the matter,-- HAMLET: I beseech you, remember-- (HAMLET moves him to put on his hat)” excuse me a WAGER

but alas all hamlet cares about is osric’s fucking hat

“HAMLET: What's his weapon? OSRIC: Rapier and dagger. HAMLET: That's two of his weapons: but, well.” hamlet u sarcastic little shit i love you

I mean so is horatio. I love him too.

This stuff with the competition is. not gonna end well. not at well.

“HAMLET: I do not think so: since he went into France, I have been in continual practise: I shall win at the odds. But thou wouldst not think how ill all's here about my heart: but it is no matter.”

hamlet no. listen to your heart or whatever. jesus christ don’t do it.

“HORATIO: Nay, good my lord,--” HAMLET LISTEN TO HORATIO

Ohhh hamlet

okay reading what laertes said, you know what? i’m giving laertes one last chance. please do not prove me a fool, laertes. 

everything is giving me mad anxiety. e v e r y t h i n g.

claud’s speech is insanely sketchy

“KING CLAUDIUS: [Aside] It is the poison'd cup: it is too late.” One, so that’s why it was sketchy. Two, the POISONED CUP?

IT’S TOO LATE?

Gertie’s. Dead.

Shit, shit, shit

“LAERTES: [Aside] And yet 'tis almost 'gainst my conscience.” YES! SO PLEASE! STOP FIGHTING!

“LAERTES wounds HAMLET; then in scuffling, they change rapiers, and HAMLET wounds LAERTES.” Oh no oh no oh jeez eheu they’re hurting each other, shit, fuck,

“LAERTES: ...woodcock…”

“KING CLAUDIUS: She swounds to see them bleed. QUEEN GERTRUDE: No, no, the drink, the drink,--O my dear Hamlet,-- The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. (Dies)” one, i love how claud is desperatley trying to stick to the plan, its almost adorable in a childish sort of way. two, oh god. ohhh god. gertie. 

Oh no. 

this is the bloodbath. THIS IS THE BLOODBATH.

BODY COUNT: 1

“HAMLET: The point!--envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work. (Stabs KING CLAUDIUS)” ...

BODY COUNT: 2

wait and hamlet’s on death row, as with laertes. Oh no.

“LAERTES: He is justly served; It is a poison temper'd by himself. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet: Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. (Dies)’ oh my god already??? I haven’t even really accepted king claud’s death?? jesus christ??

My friend just sorta nudged me and asked if i was alright and i. I’m not. i’m in shock. goddamn. what?

BODY COUNT: 3

goodness thats three in like less than thirty seconds JESUS CHRIST

“HAMLET: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee.I am dead, Horatio.” that’s chilling. just, the poignancy. that’s so fucking spectral. i’m not okay.

“HORATIO: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left.” No no no on no nononon NO NO oh my god are you going to-

“HAMLET: As thou'rt a man, Give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't. … If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart Absent thee from felicity awhile, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, To tell my story.” hey i’m crying in study hall. i’m actually crying. what the fuck. I don’t cry unless i’m thinking about that one pair of 18th century shoes with the really good photo quality (transcribing-antares here. I fucking love those shoes. I’m looking at them right now and they’re so fucking beautiful. they look how velvet feels, which is odd, bc they're apparently silk. I don’t care they’re just so fucking lovely)

F O R T I N B R A S?

“HAMLET: O, I die, Horatio; The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit.” I’ve identified my emotion. Dread. pure, unadulterated Dread.

for all of you that’ve listened to the penumbra podcast: do you remember the concierge, right before final resting place, saying “you do realize you can just like, leave, and everything will be hunky dory and you won’t have to deal with the emotional consequences this episode will bring you” because i’m seriously considering doing that right now.

“HAMLET: The rest is silence. (Dies)” shit. (posting-antares here to say that i forgot to do the body count but honestly im crying while formating because of this goddamn fucking 400 year old play)

“HORATIO: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince…” oh god. horatio.

“Good night sweet prince…”

(yet again tis transcribing-antares here to say that im fucking sobbing right now, the shoes are no match for this, and ‘goodnight sweet prince’ is actually never going to leave my head.) (editing-antares here to say im fucking crying again god fucking damn it) (posting-antares back again saying that this fucking line. this line. my god.)

“HORATIO: What is it ye would see? If aught of woe or wonder, cease your search.” oh, horatio. god. that isn’t something said without tears staining your skin and a bitter tone hard-won, not that its possession is a victory.

oh my god. this can’t. no. this can’t end like this. What. no. people must have rioted. No. no!!

i typically hate it but i would GLADLY accept a deus ex machina right about now!!

okay my friend just took my phone away from me and shut it off because i kept on trying to scroll past the end

jesus christ

okay so i’m not going to be okay for like, several eternities, so im going to play the sims until i. until i die, probably. my god.

masterlist