#half tempted to just shave my hair off but ive been growing it out for a While. that's not what i want rn

[orcelito]

Decided this is the last week of my current character arc. I'm going to get that fucking cartilage piercing soon.

[stylesbicon]

also heres the weird thing that im trying to figure out so if you read this (not sure why you would) its gonna be really rambly and TMI

so basically since i first started puberty or whatever ive had like zero impulse control in regards to shaving. like i see the razor and i just gotta get all the hair off my whole body and it feels great.

there’s three theories i have so far about how/why this started:

its some thing related to the hair pulling disorder that’s a thing, or something related to OCD that i Dont Have But Psychologists Have Been Telilng Me I Have For 15 Years

its something i started doing to try to make myself feel more like a #girl since thats a thing i started struggling with at the time (as i understood it at that age guys were hairy and girls were not)

its something that i did as a substitute for self-harm since thats also a thing i was tempted to do at that age

whatever the cause, i went through the tedious task of keeping myself bald for about 10 years, ok. like i would try to take a shower and not shave just to see if i had the self control and would still Have To Do It

well in the past ~6 months ive been able to stop doing it... kind of. I found out that I feel better about myself when I let things grow out (i probably feel more problematically masculine) and so its cool. but THEN i randomly get the impulses and just gotta jump in the shower and get rid of everything, which ends up making me feel terrible about myself because i took all this time and effort to get to this point that i liked how it looked

so every time id succumb to the urge to like shave my legs or something id hate myself for it

still, i ended up going longer and longer without doing it

and then i started messing with my hair

i would just get the random urge to cut it, and then id mess it up so id have to shave it

and lately (for example just a few hours ago) id want to shave it even more and so id mess it up and have to shave it even shorter to match. and that also makes me hate myself, not because i care about my hair, but because it means i couldnt control the impulse

and tonight after i shaved my hair shorter than i ever had before (it looks so bad yall) i got in the shower and started shaving everything else that i hadnt touched in months and felt terrible about that too and sat there for like a half hour arguing with myself about whether i should do it or not and eventually gave in. i managed to stop before i got to my legs by physically throwing the razor out of the shower

and now i for whatever stupid reason feel terrible about myself yet again

so basically my question here is

what the HECK is going on and why am i like this ?????¿¿¿???¿??