#half of my team was out last week because they had a sinus cold

[sunflowerstache]

I’m getting so fed up at my job it’s insane🤬

[haikumomentsandinspiration]

#healthcarevacation, Part III

My last update was on August 25, 2018. So much has happened since then, so there will be at least two more parts to this documentation. If you missed earlier updates, you can read Part I here and Part II here. 

First of all, I did come up with a tattoo idea (see my last update) and got one last summer. I had had a challenging spring term in the 2018-2019 school year, and needed to remind myself who I am and what I’m about. So I went to my tattoo artist and asked her to design ”a badass mermaid” for me. A siren that’s feminine and strong (not a skinny blonde mermaid, please!), a siren who looks like she is ready to kick some ass if need be—soft, with hard edges.

And I got just that, along with a tattoo on the side of my belly of a fertility symbol from traditional Turkish kilim patterns.

But let me back up.

After August 2018, after a ton of research, we decided to go with donor egg IVF in Spain. Our patient coordinator at the clinic we chose was lovely and super communicative. She was available via WhatsApp anytime I had a question or anxiety or both, and made sure I knew what the next steps would be and when. I felt well cared for.

During my winter break, I flew to Spain soon before our donor’s egg retrieval to start the treatment. I flew into Barcelona to give myself some time in my favorite city before flying to Valencia. I had a cold right before my trip, and in Barcelona, I started feeling like my cold may in fact be a sinus infection. I was miserable. I managed to go outside, get some fresh ginger, some lemon ginger tea, cough drops, and congestion meds. I needed to get better...STAT.

Two days later, on the day I was to fly to Valencia in the evening and meet Gene at the airport there, I woke up to the news Gene couldn’t fly out to join me that day because his passport wasn’t good for at least 6 months. (Being Turkish, I wondered if someone had “cast the evil eye” on us.) Eventually, Gene was able to miraculously take care of all the paperwork, get an emergency passport renewal, and catch the same exact flight to VLC 24 hours later.

The day after G’s arrival, we took a bus to Gandía for our first appointment at Irema clinic. My uterine lining was still a bit too thin, so they upped my meds, but told me not to worry since I still had a week before the scheduled transfer day. That evening, Gene and I flew to Barcelona to boost morale before the transfer. I was feeling slightly better, but Gene ended up catching my cold. Sigh. Things were just not going as smoothly as I had hoped.

A week later, we headed back to Valencia and then to Irema clinic for my second scan. My lining was still too thin, but other than its thickness, it was looking exactly as it should. They doubled my estrogen dose and postponed my transfer date. I went to the market the next day and shopped for food with a focus on thickening my lining: nuts, avocados, olives, apricots, sardines, chicken broth…My third scan, on December 31, showed my lining was almost there (7.7 mm, with the goal being at least 8 mm thick, so we set the transfer date for January 7. Things were looking up, except I got sick with another cold while still not 100% over the first one, and spent New Year’s Day sick in bed.

Gene left for SF two days later. That he had to go back before transfer day was hard for me. I sent him updates via WhatsApp along the way and tried to stay connected as much as possible (this was a major challenge for me and really got me down). I found an acupuncturist of zero reputation (someone working from home and with no reviews anywhere, which was not unusual in Valencia), but who was very sweet and kind and seemed to know what he was doing, and started seeing him to get my body as ready as possible for the transfer. We had three good quality embryos from our donor, and after much discussion and research, we decided to transfer just one this time, and save two for later for a second attempt or for a sibling later on.

The day before my transfer day, I walked about an hour to the beach, prayed, meditated, and communed with the sea, wishing for a positive outcome the next day. The next day, I found out the embryo we were going to transfer was classified as an A-quality embryo, and my lining was just fine. Transfer was quick and painless, with an all-women team. I went to get fertility acupuncture next to seal the deal, and the next morning, I flew back to San Francisco hopeful, ready for this to finally work.

It didn’t.

But it wasn’t even that simple. The first blood test, my levels came back really low: technically pregnant, but disconcerting if I were indeed pregnant. I was to go back 48 hours later to see if my levels doubled as they were supposed to; we held onto the sliver of hope. But no. Negative. I couldn’t feel the sadness at first — Gene had just started a new job that day after a long stretch of unemployment, so we were celebrating and grateful. Then, a couple of days later, the emotions hit. I felt distant, quiet, impatient...and in need of a new tattoo.

And that’s how the badass mermaid/fertility design tattoos were born.

Fast forward to the summer. After a brief visit to Israel for my grandmother’s 90th birthday, and a week in Istanbul next, I flew back to visit Irema clinic in Spain for the transfer of remaining embryos.

In the meantime, our awesome patient coordinator Lauren had quit her job (some internal drama, which made it sound like she made the absolute right choice). I only found out when I contacted her in preparation for the summer’s transfer to find out what our next steps should be, and had someone named Sergio respond to my text instead of Lauren. He was terrible at communication and not half as knowledgeable as Lauren. It was a very frustrating period, but we had no choice since we still had embryos at the clinic.

July 3, 2019: transfer day! We had decided to transfer both of the remaining embryos this time. We really wanted twins, and if only one took, that was fine, too. We’d figure out what to do about a sibling later. I wasn’t sick this time. I had been upgraded to business class last minute for no apparent reason on my flight over. My lining was where it was supposed to be from the start, and we had two embryos this time. Everything was going smoothly. My sister Rina joined me at the end of my stay in Valencia to help me with my bags, and we went to Barcelona together for my two week wait. All was well; we were joyful and filled with hope.

Because the transfer day happened earlier than I expected compared to our last experience, I had more days in Spain post-transfer than I had anticipated. This meant that I would still be in Spain when I got my blood work results back. I decided I would not delay the wait. I had my blood test done, then went to the beach with Rina. I didn’t swim, just in case I was positive and had to avoid getting an infection. I told G to let me know when he got home from work so I could look at the test result with him on the phone and we could get the news together.

Finally, close to 2 am in Barcelona, with G on the phone, I finally took a look.

Negative.

It was an awful Whatsapp chat. This, we had been convinced, would be the successful one, and it wasn’t. We just sat there, each in our feelings, not sharing them. I felt devastated and alone. Hurt. Mad. Heartbroken. Isolated.

Hours later, when Rina woke up on the morning of her flight back to Istanbul, I told her the news through tears. She said she didn’t want to leave me behind like this; I said I would be fine, and that there wasn’t anything she or anyone could do. I just needed to grieve, and her being there with me or not wouldn’t change anything. Besides, why pay extra money to hang out longer with a depressed sister who doesn’t feel like doing anything except staying in bed crying? Rina went back to her room, made a phone call, and came back to tell me she was staying three more days and that was that. She left to give me some space and to get herself some coffee, and returned a little while later with a bubble wand for me (I am about to cry just thinking about it now.) I got up, blew some bubbles from the balcony of my room towards passersby below. Bubbles have always made me smile. And to my surprise, even under these circumstances they still did.

I got my period a few days later—a few days after Rina had returned to Istanbul and a few days before my own trip back home. That week after the test results and before my flight back to SF, back to Gene was the longest week ever. I tried to make the most of it by finally enjoying all the foods (including ice cream) and alcohol I had been denying myself in Barcelona due to my fertility-friendly diet.

And then, back home, it felt like the longest time ever until I stopped grieving. What finally helped me find a sense of inner calm was to start researching next steps. I started researching clinics in Spain all over again, making phone calls, having Skype chats at all hours of the night (due to the 9-hour time difference), exchanging numerous emails with a number of clinics and their former patients…

Eventually, after I did all that research and laid out everything on a spread sheet, we settled on a clinic in Barcelona and decided to gamble on their birth guarantee/shared risk program. What that means: instead of paying for one cycle (about $9K), you pay a flat fee (about $20K), which gets you three cycles with three different donors and a healthy baby at the end of those, OR all your money back. So the clinic is taking a risk in that they could lose $20K if you don’t have a successful birth by the end. And you take a risk by paying $20K instead of $9K because if the first cycle works, that’s $11K down the drain. We decided it was worth it since I’d had so many failed cycles, including two donor egg transfers thus far. And we figured the clinic would be taking especially good care of us because it would be in their best interest for us to have a successful cycle as soon as possible. Next challenge: figure out how to finance all this. After more research, more emails and more chats with people in various Facebook groups, we settled on a plan and decided to go for it.

December cycles hadn’t been kind to me. I’d had a December cycle with my own eggs in Turkey a few years back, which we had to cancel when my body just didn’t respond to the fertility meds. Our first donor egg transfer in Spain had also failed and was the one cycle when my lining took its time getting to the minimal acceptable thickness for the embryo transfer. Knowing cold weather is not my body’s friend, I was hesitant to start the new cycle with a new clinic in December, but I was also not getting any younger, so there was no time to waste. It was back to Barcelona in December 2019, and this time, Barcelona was the location of the clinic and our only destination, not a short trip between clinic visits in another visit. Everything would be much simpler.

Clarity sure felt good, and knowing what our plan was for up to three cycles (which could span the period of the next two years) was a huge relief to me. I felt so much lighter. I felt hopeful and confident again.

December 2019-January 2020.

Barcelona.

Let’s do this.

To be continued.

[365-money-diary]

DAYS 77 - 83

DAY SEVENTY-SEVEN

9:00 AM - I arrive at work ready to take my day on. I pour myself a glass of iced toddy and slather some Earth Balance on a piece of toast.

10:30 AM - I attempt to resubmit my $125 check to #NOTSIMPLE now that I have my name correct in their internal system. I also PayPal my mom for my dad’s Father’s Day present. $30

11:00 AM - After doing some light math, I am still on budget for the month which is very relieving after spending so much last week on my health (and those Kobes).

12:00 PM - I’m super hungry, so my colleague and I run to Sprouts. I get a veggie sandwich and pick up a bag of BBQ chips but my colleague says she has a bag at her desk and they keep making her stomach hurt so she offers me the rest. I put back my bag and pay for my sandwich. $4.31

1:15 PM - #NOTSIMPLE notifies me that my check has been accepted and I should see the money appear in my account in one business day.

5:25 PM - I leave work. It’s 115 outside and I want to die.

7:00 PM - We grab Chipotle for dinner. Mine is pretty gross this time. $14.05

8:45 PM - My face really hurts from this sinus shit. I also realized that I forgot to make toddy earlier today, so I’ll probably stop at DD tomorrow on my way in. The high is 118 and there’s no way I’m drinking hot coffee in the morning.

9:30 PM - I read the sample of David Sedaris’s Theft By Finding which is actually just a compilation of his journal entries from 1977 - 2002. I love it and it totally feels like I’m inside of someone else’s brain. I’ll wait until the next time I have some moments to read to buy it. Trying to stretch that skrill.

10:30 PM - Bed.

DAY SEVENTY-SEVEN TOTAL: $48.36

DAY SEVENTY-EIGHT 

8:30 AM - I had a really rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times with vaginal issues. My pee was burning and it caused a ton of discomfort. I decided to take a regimen of my urinary tract meds in the middle of the night and sleep in the guest bedroom because the dog kept bothering me. At some point, I was able to fall back asleep and my symptoms subsided, but fuck this is going to be a rough end of the month. I try to maintain positive because I’m still within the three days of being allowed to have symptoms for the yeast infection.

8:50 AM - Stop for coffee at DD. I get a cold brew and I use my free beverage reward.

9:10 AM - I roll into the office and make a piece of toast. I am secretly thinking about working the rest of the day from home after this morning meeting because I am really not doing well.

12:00 PM - I stop by Thai Basil and grab an order of veggie red curry to go. $9.67

12:15 PM - Home. I feel like dogshit. I watch an episode of 60 Days In while I eat lunch.

2:15 PM - I haven’t worked yet, but I just need to do one report and relax. I try my best to get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

6:00 PM - Boyfriend is home from work. We hang for a while and then head to AZ Mills to play pinball at Tilt.

8:00 PM - We realize it’s “league night” which stresses both of us out so we play a couple games and peace out.

9:00 PM - We grab Del Taco for dinner. Boyfriend pays.

10:30 PM - In bed. Really tired.

DAY SEVENTY-EIGHT TOTAL: $9.67

DAY SEVENTY-NINE

5:15 AM - The dog won’t stop barking.

5:45 AM - I get up for the fifth time and finally get the dog inside to crate her. I forgot she does this during summers.

7:00 AM - I finally fall back asleep.

9:00 AM - I stop at DD on the way to work because I still don’t have toddy. I get an iced coffee and put it on my rewards card. Still got about $6 left on it!

11:30 AM - My colleagues and I grab lunch at Morning Squeeze. $11.67

3:00 PM I spend most of my afternoon fighting with idiots on the internet. I moderate a vegan facebook page but not anymore. ;)

5:00 PM - I stop by my cousin’s office to run through an AdWords tutorial with her and her boyfriend. It’s always fun seeing them!

6:45 PM - I’m home! Boyfriend and I lounge on the couch for a while and finally end up running over to Tilt to play pinball. It’s a lot more chill tonight because there isn’t a league and the games are half off! We take turns playing Walking Dead and Metallica and leave when they close.

9:30 PM - I am so hungry. I haven’t eaten since Morning Squeeze, so we just decide to order JJ quickly. I pay. $17.99

10:45 PM - We go to bed. I finally sleep all night! Hallelujah!

DAY SEVENTY-NINE TOTAL: $29.66

DAY EIGHTY

9:00 AM - I arrive at work feeling amazing! I pull the grounds bag out of my toddy and pour a fresh glass with a slice of toast. When I sit down, I realize I forgot my phone at home. #Whoops 

1:00 PM - I run to Sprouts after my meeting. I’m really not feeling salad or a sandwich so I twist things up a bit. I find some frozen Gardein BBQ pockets and grab a bag of Kettle chips that are both on sale. Pretty stoked because this will last for two meals. $4.63 

1:15 PM - I need to remember to use the toaster oven for more than just toast. These pockets are amazing!

5:45 PM - I arrive home and watch some 60 Days In. My boyfriend is at the NBA draft right now, so I cherish the alone time to binge on a show he doesn’t like.

7:00 PM - Boyfriend picks me up and takes me to a romantic dinner at Sweet Tomatoes. For once, I don’t overeat and I decide that the place really isn’t half bad. BF pays.

8:00 PM - We arrive home and decide to take it super easy for the rest of the night. I fall asleep around 11.

DAY EIGHTY TOTAL: $4.63 

DAY EIGHTY-ONE

7:45 AM - Boyfriend wakes me up and leaves the house earlier than normal. I eventually roll out of bed, get ready and call an Uber to work. Today we’re team building after work which basically means we’re all getting blasted. $13.08

8:55 AM - I arrive at work, pour myself some toddy, and toast a slice of bread.

11:30 AM - We’re done for the day! We all pack into my boss’s car and head to Gordon Biersch in Gilbert. I order a plate of eclectic veggies and an Ace Pear Cider. Boss covers all of our lunches.

1:00 PM - We head to boss’s house and play with his VR gaming system. It’s really fun but I get motion sick super easy so I mostly watch while everyone else plays.

4:00 PM - We hitch an Uber to downtown Chandler and end up at San Tan Brewery. I get a flight which ends up being unfortunate because most of them are IPAs. It goes straight to my system and I’m definitely buzzed. $10.65

5:00 PM - We head to another bar called Brickyard. My boss subtly dips out while I’m in the bathroom, but my other two colleagues and I decide to keep going. I order a pineapple Pimm’s cup and a side of fries. Our server is also really cool and she gives me bar napkins so I can blow my nose. We take our time with our drink (Or at least I do. One of my colleagues pounds three cocktails.) and wait for my boyfriend to collect us after he’s done from work. $16.97

8:30 PM - I order us Jimmy Johns and cover it as a thank you to my boyfriend for picking us up. $17.99

9:00 PM - We’re about ready to lay down (I’m drunk, lol.) but our across the street neighbor comes over. He’s really distraught. His wife was bit by one of their five dogs and had to have surgery on her hand, and they decided that they need to rehome two of them. One is my dog’s mom and the other is her brother. We offer to come over and hang out with them tomorrow and to post on social media to help them find new homes.

9:30 PM - We are now really wound up and spend the next hour trying to wind back down. Our hearts are sad for our neighbors. I end up buying that David Sedaris diary book to help me zone out. $15.83

DAY EIGHTY-ONE TOTAL: $74.52

DAY EIGHTY-TWO

10:30 AM - I wake up feeling super tired. I guess this is what being super sensitive to alcohol feels like.

11:00 AM - We make our way to Cartel and Einstein’s. Boyfriend treats for both.

11:45 AM - We head to Target to get some miscellaneous stuff. When we arrive, I make a pit stop in the bathroom and instantly start feeling better. I am DJing this afternoon on a patio and it’s 114 degrees out. I buy a couple bins to create some insulation for my records so they don’t melt and a pack of ponytail holders. $16.34

12:15 PM - We then head to a Water and Ice store but they’re out of dry ice, so we head to Smart & Final and grab some from them. Boyfriend pays.

12:30 PM - We stop by Safeway and buy some flowers for our neighbor and a balloon. My boyfriend throws in a fidget spinner as well. He already has one, so why he needs two is beyond me. $23.51

1:00 PM - We stop by the neighbors and visit with them for a while. They’re super grateful for our help and we fight every bone in our body not to adopt Katy’s brother. We take some cute photos and let them know that we’re here for whatever they might need.

2:45 PM - While I pull records for my set and heat up some miscellaneous frozen food, my boyfriend starts to build the insulation bin for my records. It seems like it’s going to work really well!

4:15 PM - I’m out the door with a gallon of Gatorade and water as my records and I attempt to not melt.

5:00 PM - The event is super chill and so fun! They have an upcoming festival and ask me if I’d like to DJ in between bands but I can’t because it’s the same day that we have LCD Soundsystem tickets in LA. I don’t get paid, but I don’t really care. The house throws in a nice grapefruit wine spritzer.

8:30 PM - I’m all packed up and heading home. My boyfriend helps me unload and we head straight to AZ Mills for some pinball action. My game card is finally out of credits so I reload it. $30

10:00 PM - We’re starving. I treat us to Cornish Pasty. Our server is kind of out of it and forgets a bunch of stuff, so I tip 18% instead of my usual 20%. $30.17

11:00 PM - We fall asleep watching a Cold Case Files episode about the Zodiac Killer.

DAY EIGHTY-TWO TOTAL: $100.02

DAY EIGHTY-THREE

9:30 AM - I ask my boyfriend who the Zodiac Killer ended up being and he said the case is still cold. Damn! 

10:00 AM - I post a photo of the dogs on social media and cross my fingers someone bites.

10:30 AM - We head to Cartel and Einstein’s. Boyfriend treats coffee. I grab the bagels. $7.56

11:45 AM - We head back home. Boyfriend takes a nap while I catch up with my sister.

3:00 PM - We head to Ted’s hot dogs to grab lunch. Boyfriend treats.

3:40 PM - It’s too hot. We head home to lay low and let the sun set -- which basically consists of me shuffling back and forth from reading David Sedaris, playing Two Dots, and watching Cold Case Files.

9:00 PM - Usually on Sundays I end up baking something out of boredom, but it’s already late. I snacked on some Ritz crackers and a La Croix so I’m not super hungry either. If anything, I’ll just make some noochy noodles.

9:15 PM - Also some light commentary that so far I’m doing pretty good with this budget of $1500 per month. If I can stick to it, I’ll be saving roughly $1500 per month some of which goes to my future car and some which will go to my savings account and some will stay in my checking account for when I have to do something insane like buy a king size bed or an emergency flight to Chicago.

11:00 PM - I snack on a fig bar and a couple handfuls of veggie straws.

12:00 AM - Zzzz

DAY EIGHTY-THREE TOTAL: $7.56