#hahahahahaahahha i hate myslef

[shdwkssda]

“You want forgiveness? Fine, I’ll give it to you. You’re forgiven, okay?” ( brody fahrer )

IF ONLY FORGIVENESS WAS EASY.  if   only  .   if   it   was   that   easy  ,   her   nights   would   not   be   full   of   terrors  ,   her   shoulders   would   not   feel   so    ——   heavy  .    a   crushing   weight   rest   upon   petite   shoulders  ,   her   redemption   was   dead   by   her   hand  . 

“   it’s   not   that   easy  ,  ”    her   thoughts   take   voice   as   brows   furrow  ,   gently  .    “   you   can’t   forgive   me   for   all   my   sins  ,   you   don’t   know   what   i   …  ”    what   did   you   do  ,   dear   girl  ?   what   sins   haunt   you   still  ?   dark   eyes   become   full   of   grief  ,   windows   to   the   soul   and   she   was   letting   him   see   her   soul   :   it   was   dark  ,   it   was   dangerous   because   her   soul   shatters   every   day   she   wakes   up   and   this   isn’t   a   nightmare  . 

such   a   childish   hope   yet   rose   dreams   of   waking   up   from   this   life  ,   she   dreams   of   going   back   to   that   seventeen   year   old   with   no   blood   staining   her   hands  .   she   was   probably   in   the   infirmary  ,   about   to   wake   up   any   second   and   see   those   dark   eyes   she   misses   so   deeply  . 

her   jaw   clenches  ,   tears   spring   to   her   eyes  .   “    you   can’t   fix   me  ,   no   one   can  .  ”    her   voice   is   fierce  ,   yet   there’s   a   softness   to   it   because   she   can’t   be   cruel   to   him  .   he   wasn’t   the   first  ,   he   wouldn’t   be   the   last   either  .   many   had   tried  ,   none   had   succeeded   in   fixing   what   was   broken   in   her   and   in   the   end  ,   she  leaves   them   in   pain  .

“   i   ruin   myself  ,   don’t   let   me   ruin   you  .   ”       (     run   boy  ,   run   fast  ,   run   far   !     )   

he   was   human  ,   he   wasn’t   a   moroi   however   she   put   him   first  ,   just   like   she   had   been   taught   her   entire   life  ,   THEY COME FIRST  /  ONLY   THEY   MATTER  .  the   only   difference   was   …   the   threat   wasn’t   a   strigoi  ,   the   threat   to   him   was   her  .   a   strigoi   might   have   been   kinder  ,   she   thinks   silently  . 

she’s   dangerous   because   she   aches   for   touch  ,   she’s   dangerous   because   touch   is   all   she   can   give   ——   her   heart   belongs   to   a   dead   man  .   how   could   she   love   another  ?   it   would   be   like   spitting   on   the   love   they   shared ,   a   love   that   left   her   aching   for   the   impossible  . 

“   we’re   done  ,   ”    from   a   young   age  ,   she   was    made   to   be   hard  ,   keep   her  emotions   in   check  .   she   leans   on   that   as   her   eyes   become   cold  ,   voluptuous   lips   part   as   a   sigh   slips   through  them  .   “   whatever   this   is  ,   it’s   done  .  ”     

@chantillystained !