#hahaha what do you mean there might be an explanation for the daily constant problems i have to deal with

[guardiandae]

it’s really weird when.... you super relate to like.... autistic symptoms... and it’s literally... a constant every day struggle... to remember the correct social cues (retail job, so multiple customer interactions a day) .... and kicking yourself when you fucked up even a tiny thing... bc you know you fucked up... but you can’t do the social cue in that moment... and you constantly worry that one day someone who is a bitch will Notice one of your little fuckups... and instead of realizing that you might just... Not Actually Be Neurotypical, assume you are a Bitch... and try to get you in trouble for it... or just... the possibility of ruining a social connection because it is a constant struggle.... but you can’t even explain yourself to anyone... because there is literally no word you can claim to explain it... because you aren’t diagnosed as autistic... and you see autistic kids on the daily.. who need social workers to guide them... and they stim in loud and visible ways... but you almost “pass” as just... neurotypical. because you’ve worked really really really hard at it. reminding yourself to do eye contact (constantly. and sometimes succeeding!). and to say the right things that you’ve learned because you’ve had the same interactions for years, over and over and over again, and you’ve studied other people doing it better than you and keep trying to copy them even though it’s never 100% correct, one way or another. and scripting out every single interaction in advance (and when you miss a part of your script, you don’t know how to fix it.) ... but you know that one day one of your daily fuckups is going to be just bad enough to be noticeable, and maybe even a Problem, and nobody is going to believe you even if you try to explain yourself. :/ because most of the time you seem “normal” until you don’t anymore .-.

i dont know. i’m feeling really  .-.

I’ve always struggled with mental illness - anxiety, depression, apd - and trying to cope with it, and the fact that.... I can cope really well with the level of stress i’m used to... and the moment it becomes a little bit more than what i’m used to, sometimes I completely lose it and have a meltdown. and its really hard when people don’t appreciate how much effort I have to put into looking “normal” on a daily basis. it’s a constanttttttt system of social cues and scripts that I’ve learned over the years that I have to go through like a checklist with every single customer and person I interact with, and I fuck up something in almost every interaction. and I’m just afraid one day the wrong person will notice and because I can’t... just... tell people.... ? what is going on? nobody will believe me by the time it becomes an Issue .-. they’ll just think i suck.

maybe everyone does this kind of mental list, and they are just better at it? when do you learn the social cues? I feel like I missed that day of school. when do you reach the point where you can just do them without having to consciously remind yourself of each thing? and i still feel like I’m missing things, because so many people, even when I do my Best, just end up... not liking me. ;;;;;

idk if it’s autism i just know that i really really really really really relate and it punches me in the gut every time i look it up but then I see Actually Autistic kids and adults come into my work (because we are across the street from a disability nonprofit org) and I’m like,,, if I try to tell ppl I am autistic, I will look like a fucking asshole  .-. and also i’m never gonna have a diagnosis anyway, sooo! 

I don’t even care I just want a way to explain so ppl will understand I am constantly trying to do my best here, with varying degrees of failure. lol.