#hahaha no joke... donuts included

[tatakaeeren]

This was literally me while watching Eita this ep:

[morethanithoughtofficialblog]

Chapter 14: Isn’t that punderful?

In which puns and feelings hit you like a brick.

*Your POV*

Something that still surprises me is the simplicity that the Underground people had in their daily lives. It was like living in a small town, where everyone knew everybody. Kids would go walking from their home to school and return safely, never fearing to be attacked by anyone. Because they knew them perfectly, and they knew them as well.

I've been learning that recently, hearing Asgore's stories. And thanks to all those generations and all those hidden memories, we could finally create one of the projects I was more eager to make: the Underground history book.

I must say that I had a lot of support on this project by a lot of people, either monsters or humans. Gaster provided me his scientific researches, Alphys and (surprisingly) Sans did as well. The three of them had an important role in the lab, but Gaster was the main Royal Scientist. Still, they all contributed with some information, making me understand the concept of souls and magic better.

Toriel got to meet and protect the eight humans that fell into the Underground, and that was really useful to establish how The Barrier was broken and why it was needed to be that way.

And well, every civilian helped me to know a general idea of how the Underground was: awful but full of hopeful people.

The most interesting part, or should I say person, it's Gerson: monster-turtle that has been living for a ton of years, and that was an important warrior in the war. He was alive before Asgore was even born! And so I spent some good hours talking to him...

"What... what was the name of your King when the war happened?"

"Reynor. Reynor Dreemurr, the great-grandfather of Fluffybuns"

"Fluffybuns?"

"Oh, hahaha! I mean Asgore, it's just a silly nickname I gave him! Don't mind this old man, hahaha!"

I smiled remembering that talk we had, being full of charm and comedy (from Gerson's part, of course. I'm no good at jokes). Monsters normally have the same age structure as humans do (years have 365 days usually, they turn one year older after that specific amount of days, etc.). That means that one human year is equal to one monster year: there's no difference at all.

And just like turtles, Gerson has lived a lot of years. According to his exceptional memory (that surprises me a lot, mine being not able to remember what I ate yesterday), the war happened three hundred and twenty-one years ago, and it ended three hundred and nineteen years ago. He was just a young warrior when that happened, he being in his mid-twenties (just as I am right now, yay! ...I need to concentrate).

Reyson Dreemurr lived a ton of years as well and married at a very old age. That explains mostly why there hasn't been a lot of Dreemurr generations after the war. The interesting fact, though, is that the eight human children fell into the Underground during Asgore's commandment, none of them before him.

"Those eight buckos, including the Prince Chara, fell into the Underground probably because the legends were starting to fade, young lady"

"So you are insinuating that people took the story as a joke, especially the kids?"

"Yep, like a bedtime story... just like us, isn't that right? Hahaha!"

Gerson was right: monsters were almost recently taken as fantastic creatures, as myths, and nonexistent. In all honesty, I considered them that as well. But if I was living in Ebott City since I was a kid, maybe it would have been different.

...

Maybe.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I was on the Prince Chara's place... and no, I don't mean in his current place, but to actually have Toriel and Asgore as parents and have a goat brother. I wonder how it could have been to go to school with the young monsters I know, or if I would ever babysit Papyrus and help him with homework. It...

It sounds like a good life, honestly.

Way better than mine, at least.

But I realize that, even if that would have happened, life wouldn't be full of roses and glitter (that idea doesn't sound appetizing either). And I know it's rude to talk like this, but Sans's case is a pure proof of what I'm trying to imply. But maybe there was something in his life that made him different...

After all, he has PTSD.

God, I sound like a jerk.

I mean, I have PTSD as well, so... there's no difference between his case and mine. The only important thing is that his painful past happened in the Underground, the "simple town" I was describing so cheerily five seconds ago. My painful past happened in the Surface, the place all of them cherished for years.

So even if we can go on and live in Perfection Land, our lives will never be perfect. Mine, for example, was shitty and uninteresting before they came. And I only have a general perspective of their lives, but I don't know them deeply...

And we return to why monsters are so similar to us: because they have a story behind that smile. And not all people will know that story. And that includes me.

Depression is an easy topic to talk about if you find a person with the same thing. However, the reasons behind it it's the difficult part since that's what actually shows your vulnerability. So yeah, when you already have it diagnosed it's easy to tell others "Hey, I have depression!", but to tell them why or when it started it's technically telling them your story.

And when you can't tell your story and neither can cry about it, then what's the matter in feeling like not saying it? Just scream that you have depression and, well, the rest will come later...

You: Hi Sans!

Sans: hello kid

Sans: how ya been?

You: Good good, how are you feeling?

Sans: eh, i guess i'm fine

Sans: not that i'm depressed or anything

Heh.

There's no difference between his case and mine.

You: Yeah, I know how it feels

Sans: to be depressed all the time?

You: Sans

You: I'm even depressed right now

Sans: huh

Sans: then u need someone raisin your spirits often?

And he just sent an image of a raisin.

Great.

You: Sans, you are awful

Sans: hey, whaddya mean?

Sans: i put my heart in it

You: Well

You: Thanks to you, I have no raisin to continue living

You: You jerk

Sans: oh my god, i'm sorry

Sans: i never meant to make your pain more...

Sans: unpearable

You: Nah, don't sweat it

You: My life was already a peach of shit

I laughed way too hard when I saw Sans calling me after that lame pun. It took me a while before gaining my breath and finally accepting his offer.

"Hello?" I asked in a fancy tone, like if I didn't know who was calling.

"hello, ma'am. may i have a word with you before i can let you live your slow death in peace?" he replied with the same fancy tone I used, and I instantly burst out in laughter, he following me immediately.

"Sans, why are you calling me?"

"to congratulate ya. you have my respects now"

"What are you even talking about?!"

"not everyone can joke about wanting to die, ya know" he let out a laugh, then continued "and less using puns"

Well, he's right, I guess.

"Sans, just end the call already"

"ok"

He just remained silent, but the call still continued. I stared at the phone with a silly smile on my face, then I groaned silently. I heard him chuckling at my reaction, then he said he will never hang up, which was bullshit since he hung up five seconds after saying that.

Sans: are u there?

You: No.

Sans: rude

Sans: i just wanted to say hi

You: That's the biggest lie I've heard in a while

Sans: what?

Sans: can't a skeleton cover his crippling depression?

You: Oh c' mon

You: Don't go all meloncholic over me

Sans: wow, another food pun?

Sans: please berry me alive before the world ends

You: Do you know what food I would be if I got to choose?

Sans: ?

You: A donut, 'cause I'm empty inside

Sans: same

Sans: i donut see the point in living anymore

Is it necessary to say I was having the time of my life? You can't tell depression jokes to everyone and having a partner to do so felt amazing. Medicine and therapy? More like jokes and puns!

Sans: do you want a tip to deal with depression?

You: I hear you

Sans: drink coffee

You: really?

Sans: yeah

Sans: expresso expresso, no more depresso!

And you bet I laughed, mostly because I drink coffee every day. Maybe I should start ordering expresso though.

You: Oh my God

You: PEMDAS

Sans: pemdas?

You: Please End My Depression And Suffering

And Sans called me again, only to hear him dying of laughter. We ended up telling more jokes all over the phone instead of chatting, him not caring about his brother hearing. Then we both went to tell darker jokes and really cruel stuff that a depressed person would joke about... just like us.

So I really don't understand why I take my problem as something humerus, but if one thing I've learned through all these years dealing with the same things is that crying is horribly useless. And people say that laughter is the best medicine, so I'm technically helping myself and, of course, Sans.

But hey, life hasn't been that bad lately. I was admitted to have a job interview (which I'll have tomorrow) in that small company, and I have more reasons to wake up and do things of my own. And I've been trying to put myself into drinking pills again, even if I don't like the fact that my mood depends on some medicines.

Talking about medicines...

"Hey Sans, do you have the pills you need already?"

"eh..." Oh he doesn't "crap, i forgot to go to the drug store yesterday"

Knew it.

"Well, I can gift you some if you want to. I have some spare pills here in my drawer, and I think I have the same medicaments the doctor prescribed you"

"that would be nice, but are you sure you want to bother yourself? besides, they are not that cheap, kid..." he had this slight hint of doubt in his voice, which made me smile gently.

"Eh, consider it as a present" I simply answered while I shrugged, even if he couldn't see me doing so.

"kid, if i'm gonna take the pills, then..." he made a long pause, then he sighed sadly "can you promise me something?"

Promise?

"It... depends"

"kid, you need to take care of yourself as well" he startled me a bit, and he somehow noticed how taken aback I was "if it wasn't for papyrus, i would probably have killed myself by now. so i just want to tell ya that you don't have to deal with this alone. it must suck being alone with the crap of your head all the time. so whenever you want to talk about, well, anything... you have me here, kid. and paps is more than open to help as well"

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

...

Shit.

"Hey, thank you. It means a lot to me"

"no probllama"

Seriously-

"An animal pun? Really?" I stopped right there, then I smiled "You've cat to be kitten me"

"i'm sorry, i didn't do it on porpoise"

"That's the sealiest joke I've ever heard"

"i never asked you to let minnow what you think"

"You're giraffing me crazy"

"nah, you're lion"

And so all seriousness disappeared and the puns were all over our conversation. I'm not that good on them, but Sans is clearly experienced with them. I'm better telling jokes of dark humor than silly animal puns. Still, I tried to keep 'em going.

"oh, by the way, papyrus says hi"

"Tell him I say hi as well"

"shore thing, (y/n)"

"I sea what you did there"

And after a few minutes, the call ended, me remembering that I had to give Sans the pills before the day was over. Or well, Papyrus remembering me all over the phone, screaming to his brother to go to the drug store before he dragged him himself (savage).

I took a skele-ton of pills and put them in my laptop's briefcase (since I'm too poor to buy a Gucci bag), then I ran to the bathroom to check myself in the mirror. Decent hair, no rests of make-up... perfect. I dragged a pink hoodie (because why not) that said: "Yes, I'm CUTE: Cringy Ugly Terrible Empty", some simple black shoes and I left my apartment behind... not before going back to grab my almost forgotten briefcase.

I took the subway and put my headphones on, forgetting the rest of the world while I heard some Nirvana music. Yep, this is who I've become: a young adult that takes the train every single day of her life and puts on music all the trip, trying to dismiss my problems.

What a good life.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Arial's POV*

I heard some lively and deep laughter coming from Sans's room, my older child. I wanted to go on and check on him, but... does he really wants me there with him? I haven't been the best mother for my two children, especially for him, so... I let it be.

Sighing desperately, I went over the kitchen to see if I could do something, anything, with my time. I wasn't at home often in the Underground, so cooking isn't my strength. But if I really want to become a normal mother for them, then I had to start making dinner. I sighed again, knowing this was never the life I wanted out in the Surface.

I know this is really selfish to say, but I genuinely preferred my life down there. I was part of the Royal Guard (as a secretary mostly) and one of the most important roles in the Kingdom. I'll always let the King now if there was any problem at the schools, or if there was any planning of a protest. On weekends, my husband and I would sometimes have fun like our teenager times, or I would casually (and awkwardly when Sans grew older) visit the kids.

...it would be pretty stupid for me not to know what I did wrong. Sans trusted us, and he once felt happy when he was around us. But we treated them as only a partial company, and now he's angry and almost mad. Now he doesn't trust us anymore, and Papyrus is trying. We were never parents to our smaller child... but to Sans, we once were. And that's why he's the most hurt.

I first became a mother when I was sixteen years old and Gaster eighteen. It's unnecessary to say it was an accident, but I was too scared to try this method called "abortion", which was recently adopted in the Underground at that time. Gaster was afraid that our new son could ruin our professional lives, but he recognized himself that the abortion wasn't secure. And so I gave birth to Sans, which I don't know if it was the best for him. I haven't given him the life he deserves, and I deeply regret being too young and too stupid to not understand how beautiful the role of a mother can be. I've seen how Toriel treated her boys and how now she treats her girl, and I can't help but admire her for being brave enough to sacrifice everything she dreamed of and decided to make THEIR dreams come true.

But instead, I choose to make my ideal life come true. Because I never wanted any children... not until Papyrus, I guess. That was seven years after being responsible for Sans, just when I told myself I should be a better mother, and so I felt forced to have another one to take care of.  

I, however... never got to be the responsible mom I wanted to be deep inside of me. And so Sans had another problem: taking care of his little brother...

There...

There was even some time that I COMPLETELY forgot about their existence...

I just remember that, after realizing I had children, Sans started to hate me. He was overprotective (and he still is) over Papyrus, and whenever I tried to make him understand, he would say "you should not waste your words into lies".

Can...

Can I have a chance to be a good mother, even if now my grown son is twenty-two years old?

I...

Before breaking down in tears in the kitchen, I heard Papyrus running unheavenly fast through the door, then I heard a familiar feminine voice. That voice was not more and not less than the one of our dear ambassador, (Y/N) (L/N). She greeted him as kind as she's ever been, and he exclaimed happily how honored he was to have her in our home. She laughed politely, then Sans teleported to the living room, talking in an enthusiastic tone I haven't heard from him in years. I should have felt good, but it wasn't for me who he was happy for. It was her.

I...

I mean, she could get his trust faster than I'll ever be capable of.

I...

I don't know what to think.

She waved at me discretely with a lovely smile, and I felt more like crying. She's young and making her dreams come true because she was smart enough. She planned her future perfectly, and here she is: healthy, a bright future reflected in her eyes, and a beautiful heart and energy that both the kids admire.

I saw how (Y/N) gave Sans some... medicaments, I think, and he thanked her with a smile he never gave me. They joked a bit and Papyrus groaned playfully, then all of them went into a fit full of laughter.

"OH (Y/N)! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, ENJOYS YOUR COMPANY A LOT! AND I BET SANS DOES AS WELL! WE'RE TRULY HONORED TO HAVE YOU HERE, YOUNG LADY!"

Yes, he's a wonderful child, but I can't be proud of him.

Because I didn't raise him...

Sans did.

[firstofall-howdareyou]

How was your trip aside from seeing the fantastic show?

Oh it was amazing!! We had an incredible time. I’ll do a play by play with some photos and if you don’t have any interest, just move along haha 

Started out in Niagara Falls on Friday - obviously its a massive tourist trap and has very Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg vibes, so we had a very expensive dinner for the view that wasn’t worth the value and then checked it out in the daytime that next morning. I think we ended up leaving by like 9:30 am haha

We made a pit stop in Niagara-On-The-Lake on our way to Kitchener and what an adorable little town!! I never got a chance to try ice wine while we were there so I’m going to have to find some somewhere. 

In Kitchener before the show, we explored St. Jacob’s Farmers Market (I got a bag of chippery chips and my friend got a doner kebab which just took me back to London and studying abroad and I miss ittttt) - so many Mennonites working there, it was really interesting. 

We had dinner before the show at The Rich Uncle Tavern in downtown Kitchener and I cannot recommend it enough! It was absolutely delish and such a cool vibe on the inside. 

Headed to Toronto on Sunday morning and I had my first Tim Hortons experience. It was… like every other coffee experience? Also timbits are just donut holes right? Anyways. 

We went to the Royal Ontario Museum (that city pass life) – my friend made a joke about one of the artifacts being yet another thing the western world stole and of course, it was said right in front of a docent who then told us that the museum purchased those items from the Vietnamese a few years ago. Whoops! 

We had lunch at Hemingway’s and it was such a fun place. I imagine when it’s not, you know 38 with 20 mph winds, the patio is a lot cooler, but was really good food! 

After lunch, we got super lost trying to find Casa Loma and ended up wandering around the mansions on Russell Hill Rd before we finally figured out how to get to the ~castle. Which was stunning!!! I felt like we were playing clue with the conservatory/secret passageways. 

That night we grabbed more Tim Hortons to walk ourselves to Yonge-Dundas Square and the Eaton Centre, before we took the subway to the CN Tower. My friend is super wary of heights but I dgaf so we went at night so she would be less scared. 

Then we went to Smoke’s Poutinery for our first poutine experience. omg its both awful and amazing at the same time. If I was drunk, I think you’d have to drag me out of there, but it was just a tad too much gravy for me. 

Monday we did the Aquarium, which was a lot of fun! Thank you to my anon who recommended it. I showed photos of it to one of my nieces last night and she was obsessed. 

Then we went up to graffiti alley, explored some of the shops on Queen Street, etc. and finally went to the Eaton Centre to truly shop. We went floor by floor and into any store that we didn’t recognize haha (no photos of tessa in the rw&co but I did see her on the wall in bonlook!) Managed to grab a Canadian Olympic team shirt from Hudson’s Bay (thanks for that tip!!!) 

And then off to London for our final stop! We headed there a little earlier than I expected so we didn’t have a diner plan. We ended up walking around Covent Garden Market for a bit before going to Milos’ Craft Beer Emporium for dinner/drinks. What a good vibe there. It felt like a lot of bars we have at home, but of course we had to get Ontario beers. I had a sour beer from Bellwoods Brewery (felt fitting with the band) and it was delish. 

Obviously, the fact that Canada let Target fail is horrifying to these Americans, and Google told us that Canadians typically went to Canadian Tire instead, so we had nothing else to do but tour the store that destroyed the best store in the world. Listen. I’m so sorry Canadians, but Canadian tire is trash and I really want you to accept that. It smelled like a mix between an Ollie’s and a KMart. I even messaged someone and said “I can’t believe Tessa Virtue had a m&g in one of these” hahahahaha

Unfortunately, the Bag Lady is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays, so we couldn’t go there, but we went back downtown to The Early Bird for breakfast and it was DELISH and so filling omg. Cannot recommend it enough. 

And then I took my friend on what I called A VM Tour of London HAHAHA 

We started with Bud Gardens because it was right there (as someone who lives in a city that is larger than London but not like… that much larger population wise - wow wow wow that is a small downtown), drove right past Molly Bloom’s, Tessa’s house, and then off to Ilderton, the arena, Scott’s parent’s house, and finally the Skate Shop. 

Can I just pause for a moment and talk about how they picked SUCH a good location for the skate shop? There are new subdivisions going up all over the place right there and its close to the suburbs of London. It was a solid move. Also it’s super cute on the inside!!! They did such a good job. I loved all of the photos they had in there, including 2010 OD Nationals, Mahler, the Greg Kolz ones. Ugh. Well done. 

My friend is SUCH a good friend. Like I cannot stress that enough. I drove and she took photos of everything and I love her for it. 

Finally, we ended up at the Museum London for a bit since it was donation-only and explored that before we hit the 401 and headed home. 

I’m genuinely not kidding when I say that I teared up on the 401 imagining teenage VM making this drive weekly forging their friendship. I got really sappy and I’m not even sorry about it. 

Overall, it was SUCH A FUN TRIP. Thank you to everyone who gave me recommendations on where to go, where to stay and what to eat. 

[aaronbleyaert]

Bley, as a guy who has been on a couple of dating sites, what do you look for? I find myself not have traction and I'm wondering if it's just me, my job(strong woman in a job that normally male dominated) , or is dating online just not for me?

I get on and off them like some sort of lunar cycle. Right now I’m back on. It’s a nightmare. It’s depressing. It’s the worst. And it’s also, no surprise, horribly addicting. 

But maybe you’re right: Maybe it’s not for you. It’s certainly not for everybody.

I dunno, dude. What attracts me to people on the apps? Sometimes it’s looks, sometimes it’s a funny costume, sometimes it’s a witty written bio. Sometimes it’s just that they’re from the Midwest or went to the same school as me. 

I’ll tell you what gets me most excited, though: Someone who’s DIFFERENT.

Someone who has written witty things on their profile is like a fucking breath of fresh air. And if they look like an actual fun human being? Pssssssh. I can’t swipe right hard enough.

Granted, LA is full of douches - both men (including myself) and women - so the app game out here is probably pretty different than wherever you are. But here are some things I see a LOT that I am really sick of seeing - and by the way, I have TERRIBLE luck at this stuff, and have been single for like the past 4 years, so take all of this stuff with a huge grain of salt. I am not, in any way, god’s gift to 1.) dating, 2.) women, or 3.) any dating app. 

That said, here’s shit that gets an immediate left swipe from me:

Stuff in bios:

“I’m a unicorn”

“I’m looking for a partner in crime”

“Haters to the left”

“I just love to travel” (or they exhaustively list everywhere they’ve been)

“I love wine/pizza/the outdoors/the beach/going on adventures/any other obvious shit that everyone loves”

“People tell me that everybody lies on here, so… I invented post-it notes”

“I can drink/eat/do X more than you/better than you” (Congratulations?)

“I just swiped you for your dog” (You want to have sex with my dog?)

“I enjoy every day to the fullest” 

If the bio is all emojis

If the bio is just a quote (that isn’t some sort of joke)

If there’s no bio at all (only boring people have nothing to say, kids)

If they are really into religion (I don’t hate on people who are religious in any way, I’m just not a religious guy so I swipe left because I would only disappoint them)

Special Mention: If there is any paraphrasing or permutation of the Marilyn quote “If you can’t handle me at my worst you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”, I not only swipe left as fast and hard as possible but also make a silent wish for you to get caught in a fire.

And oh my god - everyone’s photos are the fucking same. EVERYONE’S. It’s the worst. Here’s a bunch of photo shit I swipe left on:

If the profile has MORE THAN ONE photo of: 

A headshot, a headstand, any kind of yoga (unless they’re a yoga teacher), a gym photo, a photo at Burning Man, a photo performing onstage, a photo at a wedding, a photo of them on a red carpet, or more than one photo of them doing something “crazy” (I don’t need to see that you went skydiving, went snowboarding, went surfing, AND went to a lion preserve all in one fucking profile. Just pick your favorite photo of something cool and leave the rest for drinks.)

Any photo of them with a celebrity

Any photo with an award (that isn’t some sort of joke)

If they are LAUGHING SO HARD IN ALL THEIR PHOTOS OMG U GUYS LOOK HOW MUCH I LOVE TO LAUGH HA HA HA I DO IT WITH MY WHOLE MOUTH WIDE OPEN LIKE SOME SORT OF FUCKING HUMAN/SHARK HYBRID 

A photo of someone in great shape eating a piece of pizza/a donut/some ice cream proving that they’re “just a regular person who eats pizza/donuts/ice cream so don’t worry I’m soooo normal hahaha!” 

If all the photos are from the same angle (this tells me that you are 100% either a murderer or are very possibly hiding a horrible Two-Face style facial burn which isn’t even a dealbreaker for me so you might as well show it off)

If the first photo is more than one person, or - and this happens all the time - if every photo is a group photo?! I shouldn’t have to cross reference your photos CSI style to find out who you are.

Also, and this is specific to LA, but anyone who has a photo in front of the Angel City Brewery Wings or the LACMA streetlights…. That’s a left swipe. (Which is basically one in three LA photos.)

And one last thing: When we match and she sends me naked pics BEFORE WE EVEN MEET, I am out. That’s an unmatch. Don’t do that. You might think it’s cool… It’s not cool. Guys also do not like getting whatever the female equivalent to a dick pic is. (A flap pic?)

***

Now look: I know that this post makes me come off as an asshole. And you’re right: I am an asshole. A sad, lonely, forever single, asshole. If you ever see my profile on a dating app, you’ll have a good laugh; My shit is terrible. It’s awkward. Cringe inducing. Sad. And so many other adjectives that all equate to me dying alone.

But regardless, do me a favor and don’t do any of the above things. Okay? Just don’t. Please. Be different! There’s no need to try so hard to get matches - the whole point of dating apps is to find someone to date, right? So your profile should represent the real you. The true you. Not who the rest of the herd is, or someone who you think you should be. What’s the point of trying to be somebody else? If you end up dating someone, your partner will find out who you are anyway, and the jig will be up. The reason why I hate everything on the above lists is because it always feels like those are people who are trying to be like everyone else - or worse, people who feel like they need to pretend to be to get guys to like them. Maybe I’m off base here, but that’s just how it comes off to me.

Put your best foot forward, sure - but also realize that (at least for me), the weird & interesting stuff about you is also what’s most attractive. The flaws are what make the diamond unique. So be yourself. Always. And don’t be afraid to let whatever dating profile you make reflect that. 

(Unless you’re me, of course… Because “being myself” never turns out well).