#hahaha is weird i've never seen anyone using it

[insxghtt]

we never use emojis in brazil this is still hard for me.................

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @albatris

Who You Are:

Logan || It/its

Hello! I'm a queer horror novelist and friend to cats from South Australia! I spend my time making art of all sorts, especially relating to my experiences of queerness and psychosis.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Comedy, fantasy, horror, and sci-fi. Young adult and adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Horror! There's such rich ground to explore in stories of horror and psychosis when you're not an ableist prick about it! There are unique and valuable stories to be told in the overlap here and I'm having a wonderful time weaving my own experiences of schizotypal personality disorder into my horror writing. It's the closest I've come to being able to share my inner world with others :)

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

Historial fiction! I don't have anything against the genre, but it's just not my cup of tea. I'd never feel like I'm nailing the time period due to the sheer amount of nuance and detail that I'd need to have on hand… major props to historical fiction writers, you are stronger and more organised writers than I

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

My target audience ranged from YA to adult, depending on the work in question. I want to speak to primarily people who are feeling disconnected and alone… I guess you could say my target audience is just myself of the past? I'm writing the stuff I needed to read, the stuff that would have made me feel seen and loved and understood. Anyone else is welcome along for the ride though ^.^ I hope others who don't see themselves in my work would catch a glimpse of a different way of understanding the world and be able to empathise and understand, and maybe have a lot of fun with it, too!

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

I love all that cheesy goodness about the power of friendship and the human capacity for kindness and connection! My stories, however otherwise horrifying or heavy, tend to come back to these at their core. My works all focus heavily on mental illness, neurodivergence and disability. I also have a soft spot for bendy realities, body horror, paranoia and hiveminds.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

I cannot stand "the whole thing was just a delusion all along! none of it was ever real!" or "ooh they thought it was psychosis but it turns out it was ~magic~! see, our protagonist isn't CRAZY like those actually crazy people!" style plot twists. They're lazy and ableist! In general, I have zero tolerance for anything that demonises psychosis or uses psychosis only as an edgy plot twist.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

I have two main projects, "All the Doors are Open", a YA fantasy/horror about the collapse of reality, and "A Rental Car Takes a Left Down Rake Street and Disappears" a paranormal horror about a vampire hivemind. I've been working on some variation of ATDAO for eight years, and Rental Car is a baby by comparison, and was only created last year.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I write for fun! As much as I love to connect with others and allow them a glimpse into my understanding of the world, I primarily write because I just like to have a good time hahaha. It's something I love to dabble in and explore, something I love to wander through, something I keep coming back to over and over. I just feel a pull to it :D

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I've been writing since I was around six years old! Growing up as a kid with undiagnosed psychosis and delusions, I had a lot of funky weird ideas about reality. I quickly found my reality didn't match with those around me and often turned to fiction writing as a means to express myself in a way others found more "palatable". It's a way for me to open the door to communication!

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

All kinds of places! Songs, dreams, daydreams, personal experience, conversations… I have a very chaotic brain, I take in a lot of odd information and it all lays the foundation for odd ideas to grow!

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

I'm most proud of Rental Car at the moment! It was my first foray into proper full-on horror and my first time writing a specifically schizotypal protagonist like myself, and people have responded with enthusiasm to both! It's become a passion project I really adore and I'm proud of myself for taking the plunge and starting it :D

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

I'd love to publish in the future!

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

I'm not sure what appeals to me the most, but marketing appeald to me least hahaha. I'm not really a big presence on social media and I hate promoting myself. I just want to be a hermit. I'm not cut out for marketing myself :P

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love editing! I love revision! I love wandering through this little garden I've written and pruning and polishing it. It's my favourite part of the process :D I don't have a least favourite part, at least not off the top of my head.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

I have no setup! No schedule! I write when I feel like it and stop the moment I'm not having fun anymore. This has increased my productivity and enjoyment tenfold, as well as improve the quality of my work!

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

Around 8 years! I don't remember what initially inspired me to join.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

@tracle0, a friend and pal, who has some of my favourite worldbuilding of all time and such incredible characters! I've been following them for a long time now and love hearing their thoughts :D

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

I love the creativity and enthusiasm! People have such wonderful brains and I love being able to hear people talk about their work with such passion and adoration!

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

I think… remembering that writeblr itself is not a hivemind! I see a lot of folks lamenting that they feel ignored by "the community" or that the community is dying, and I think a lot of people see writeblr as a huge monolith. It's not! People gotta focus more on finding a few good friends and a handful of works to be genuinely invested in, rather than trying to interact with the whole of the (ginormous!) community, and expecting the whole community to interact with them. Writeblr is a description of a type of blog, and it's incredibly diverse and complicated and broad! You won't vibe with everyone and it's not so much like an official club you join but a shared experience.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

Man, I'm just vibing. I'm invested in a collection of works I try to keep up with, and I try to keep up with the little circle of writeblrs I'm involved with! Reblogging and getting excited. I'm also often that person who gets bored and goes "heyyyy I'm bored, does anyone have an oc I can draw"… I love doing art for people! Could I be doing more? Probably! But also, I'm not meant to be everything to everyone.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

I don't have a preference!

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

Rambles, excerpts and art!

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

I'm just here, babey! And albatris on NaNoWriMo, too. And I guess if you like you can hit me up for my discord, I help run a small writing server!

[daresplaining]

Your thoughts on She-Hulk ep 8?

I loved pretty much everything!

Yes, so, I was finally able to watch the rest of She-Hulk (I lost access to Disney+ partway through, so it took some finagling) and I do have thoughts! First, as I've mentioned previously, I loved the show overall; I thought it stayed very true to the spirit of the She-Hulk runs I have read (though to be clear, I'm not a Shulkie completist), was really funny (the knockoff "Avongers" merch in that one episode got me. I was on the floor), delivered some sharp commentary on the rampant misogyny in fan spaces and towards media with female leads (often drawing from actual online responses to the show by Comicsgate-types, which was genius), and poked fun at superhero tropes in a way that felt-- again-- true to the character and also mostly in a spirit of love, which is very important. I wanted to start with this because one of the things that kind of drove me nuts while the show was airing was seeing people prioritize the various cameos over the actual fact that freaking Jen Walters, She-Hulk herself, had a TV show, and I loved that she actually broke the fourth wall to call people out on this at one point.

(I'm glad this screenshot now exists in the world, and I'm worried that I might have to pull it out again when Echo's show airs. But hopefully not...)

But the cameos were fun, and felt correct for a show dealing with superhero law and tropes-- you do need a whole bunch of superheroes and villains around for that sort of thing, and I like that they went for an eclectic mix of big names and more obscure characters. Anyone who follows my Iron Fist blog might have seen me freaking out about the surprise appearance of El Aguila, one of my favorite side characters from Power Man and Iron Fist volume 1 (more freaking out will be forthcoming; I'm going to write a post about him when I have two seconds to spare). His MCU counterpart was kind of a parody version of the character, but that was true for many of the D-listers in the show, and I'd never expected to get El Aguila in anything, so I was still pretty dang thrilled. He even had his mutant powers! Amazing! We got MCU El Aguila before, like, MCU Scott Summers.

He also appeared alongside Man-Bull, who is a wonderfully weird Daredevil villain who I also never expected to see adapted. The decision to use El Aguila rather than the more obvious Matador was a little surprising (though I didn't mind at all), but a friend told me that she thought she had heard that they weren't allowed to use the Matador...which is intriguing... Hopefully it's because he's going to be the Big Bad in Daredevil season 4. One thing I was fairly disappointed by was the fact that we didn't get an appearance from Trish Walker, whose modern-day comics counterpart Patsy Walker/Hellcat is very close friends with Jen. However, considering MCU Trish's current situation, I can see why they made that choice. Tonally, this wasn't the right place to continue her story. Fingers crossed, though, for future interactions. Someone needs to get her out of prison!

But anyway, on to the main focus of this post-- this guy:

They definitely made this Leap-Frog hype-up ad as a joke, because hahaha, who gets excited about Leap-Frog, right? Joke's on them: I get excited about Leap-Frog. I was losing my tiny Silver-Age-Daredevil-fan mind that entire night, even knowing that it would be a while before I'd actually be able to watch the episode. Do you know how amazing it is that we got Leap-Frog in this thing? Leap-Frog in a largely comics-accurate costume? Leap-Frog who was allowed to be Silver Age goofy? Leap-Frog with a CATCHPHRASE? (I'm largely allergic to MCU things being imported into the comics-- if I have to open a Daredevil issue and read "the Devil's of Hell's Kitchen" with my own two eyes ever again, it's going to be my supervillain origin), but if 616 Leap-Frog were to start saying "ribbit and rip it", it wouldn't bother me. In all honesty, I didn't think he quite lived up to the hype. He was essentially a different character, and wasn't tremendously Leap-Frog-y when you got right down to it. But seeing him bouncing around in that green rubber costume still filled me with joy, and gave me hope that this might open the door for other such characters. Other fun, wacky, classic Silver Age villains who are long (emphasis on long) overdue an MCU debut. Stilt-Man. I'm talking about Stilt-Man.

In any case, I hope that anyone who might not have checked out She-Hulk yet will give it a try. It's a fun ride.

Psyche. Okay, yes, I'm also going to talk about Daredevil.

To be brief: I really, really liked this cameo. My interest in MCU Daredevil pretty much died in 2018 with the Big Cancellation, and as many bolts of lightning as I shoot through it (or...Hand ninja I sacrifice for it? I guess that's more on-theme), I haven't managed to revive it yet. It was fun while it lasted, but it's not a version of the character that really appeals to me much in isolation, and at the end of the day, I'm a Daredevil fan because I like the comics.

I also have the same issues with Charlie Cox playing Matt Murdock that I think a lot of people have, though that's not something I really feel I need to go into in this post. On the most superficial and shallow level possible (sorry), he just doesn't look like Matt to me, which is something I was able to overcome in the Netflix shows because when you're watching something for thirteen hours straight, eventually your brain adapts. But getting this brief cameo after having not seen him for four years, it was extra jarring, and it actually threw me out of the story a few times. He walked into the courtroom in that one scene and said he was Matt Murdock, and I'm afraid my immediate reaction was, "Pfff, what? No, you're not." (Also...his American accent has not really improved, which was just something I'd assumed he would have been working on.)

But my longstanding quibbles about casting aside (and to be clear, I love that people like the asker above like him in the role! I think for many people who got into DD through the MCU, he is their Matt Murdock, and I fully respect that), this is the live action Daredevil content that I've been waiting for ever since it became clear that the Netflix show was wedded to its dark, tortured version of the character and would not be touching on many of the other attributes that make Matt interesting to me. If this had come out at least five years ago, I would have gone completely bonkers over it-- and even now, I had a thoroughly great time watching this cameo. I had hoped, but I'd never, ever imagined that we'd actually get the yellow suit--especially after the Netflix show picked the practical-but-boring Man Without Fear/"Trial of the Incredible Hulk" outfit as his origin costume. And you know what? It looked pretty good.

For a "grounded" live action take, I think they did a decent job of translating the feel of the yellow costume while being shackled to a certain expected MCU DD aesthetic as established by the Netflix show's version of the red suit. I particularly liked that...that...

No, I'm sorry. I can't do this. Let me just...

Okay, THERE we go.

As I was saying, I thought they did a solid job referencing this most classic of DD costumes, and I would love to see him wear it in more than just this cameo.

And with the yellow suit came-- my god-- the quippy, swashbuckly Matt I have been longing for. The fight with Leapfrog was fun! The banter with Jen was great! I don't know what else to say! Swashbuckly Matt = Happy Daresplaining. What a relief to finally see that side of his personality make an appearance in this universe, and from an in-character perspective, to see him finally finding that confidence and joy in his adventuring. I hope that the Daredevil show (if it ever actually happens at this rate...) pulls from this; that we didn't just get a lighthearted Matt because She-Hulk was a comedy show.

And the romance was a surprise, but I didn't mind it. It was handled with humor, and it's not a relationship that exists in the comics so it was a fun new concept to play around with. Plus, both 616 Jen and Matt are characters with pretty hefty love lives, so it fits. And even more to the point, as the third asker above mentions, it took a baffling 40 YEARS for Marvel's two most prominent superhero lawyers to even interact, finally facing off for the first time in Soule's She-Hulk run, so I cherish every new scene they have together in any medium because they're great together. I was a little--"worried" is too strong a word, but maybe "cautious"--about how this would be handled from Matt's end, since he's really not a one-night-stand kind of guy. He falls in love easily and dates a lot, but it's dating. He gets attached to people. He clings. But this ended up seeming like maybe not a one-night-stand after all. The last episode seemed to imply that they were still together, so...is this going to be a thing? Are MCU Jen and Matt a couple now? Anyway, it was fun to have a bit of the soap opera-flavored drama of 616 Matt's love life filter into the MCU, because it really didn't come up much in the Netflix show.

In any case, to make a long and much-delayed post short, while MCU Daredevil will have to work very hard to re-earn my interest, I did enjoy this, and loved She-Hulk. I highly recommend it if you're looking for a show that's an all-around good time.

[jeonqkooks]

Jeeen baby if you need a shield from weird people I'll take care of it 🥹🫶💗🙏

Did you see new suchwita ep dropped? 🥳🙌

Ahhh look, it feels a bit funny since I kinda made my peace with the whole album thing. As long as he's happy with his decisions at the end of the day there's that. I've been thinking about how we can't always know everything that goes on behing the doors right? Idk if you've seen bang pd's interview a few days ago, he mentioned how, at the begining of the year jk wasn't even sure he wanted to release an album (and if I remember he even told us himself in a live that he's not sure about his plans but he'll just follow his intuition) Maybe he thought we would be disappointed if he didn't. Now if you think about it, this second chapter for bts feels sooo rushed in a way and we know why, but you know... I'm trying to imagine that things wouldn't have been so chaotic if it wasn't for m.s. and everything, they would've had way more time for this. But there's really no point.

BUT AGAIN, we all know how jk specifically mentioned in so many interviews over the past few years that he's working on his mixtape (Stay was supposed to be in his mixtape, so was Your eyes tell) and I BET there were some other masterpieces there and it really got me thinking why would he change his mind all of a sudden. Maybe pressure, maybe he didn't think they were good enough and wasn't that confident. We'll never know I guess.

I support him though, he's working hard and who knows, there might be songs in there that I'll like. Still, I cannot lie and say I don't feel a little sad that we're never going to hear some song that HE made (as imperfect as he probably thought they are). This isn't me (or some fans) damanding something, just that little feeling of "what could've been if.." . To me, the songs written/ produced by them weight wayyy more than any other songs out there. Oh well 😬 there's always a next time.

Okayyy rant over. Now I'll just keep an eye out for anyone who wanna bother you 😝🫡 while I watch suchwita ofc!! Take care and keep warm, it's so cold these days! *channeling my inner jimin*

- 🎃

aw pumpkinnnnnnn 😭

yeah i’ve also kinda made peace with the fact that this won’t be an album for me. i’ve mentioned this before and i still stand by it, that it feels like there’s this certain pressure for everyone to release something before enl*sting 😔

you’re right, i’m sure there are other songs that we haven’t heard that were supposed to be for his mixtape. i mourn the loss of them too, just like i did with tae when layover came out. i don’t think being bummed about the old songs means you’re demanding. you’re sad because you know you would’ve liked them, and that’s a completely normal thing to feel. and yes i agree, songs made by them will always feel more personal and have more heart. i’ve already started manifesting for jjk2 lol 😂

(and tbh, i take everything a celebrity says with a grain of salt - even bts - so there are always things that i’m skeptical about)

yessss suchwita 😭 i forgot about it ngl bc it’s been like over a month since the last ep hahaha. but oh lord when i finally watch it it’s gonna be tough since it’s the first ep released after he left 😭😭😭

and YES IT IS COLD WHAT THE HELL. it’s like 10 degrees where i am and it’s only october??? the leaves haven’t even turned yellow but i’m already freezing my ass off. i have a feeling this winter will kill me

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Year in Review! Thank you so much for a wonderful year!

Hey! So this was my first year with... any kind of social media actually. I finally plucked up the courage to make an account and post stuff instead of just looking at other people's stuff and wishing I was more involved haha... I'm really glad I did! You people are so nice and I've seen so many incredibly creative ideas - I can't wait to see more. :)

I have a few things ready to go for the new year and I'm excited to get back to answering asks again!

Tags (not surprising):

#bsd - 605 posts

#bsd dazai - 220 posts

#random - 208 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#fukuzawa wanting to ditch most everyone he meets and only begrudgingly taking in these kids but helping them find their footing and do good

My top posts... you know I never expected any analysis I did to get too much attention. The Dazai and Q chapter one (#2) was especially surprising to me... never expected that to blow up like it did.

Fjfnfjvns and my #1 post being my stupid joke post. Sounds about right hahaha!

#5

I've been thinking a lot about the one-dimensional kinda fandom interpretations of Dazai and Chuuya in particular - the overemphasis on Dazai's weird brand of mischief/manipulation and Chuuya's anger and tendency to lash out and how it's not like these traits are... wrong, per se - these are their surface level/immediately notable characteristics - it's just that it misses the nuance as to why these traits likely exist.

What these interpretations don't fully capture is their very similar cores deep down - two people plagued by feelings of alienation, human inadequacy and repeated loss. Despite starting from these very similar places, they both dealt with the issue in near opposite ways. Dazai numbed himself to pain (remember: he hates pain! I cannot emphasize this enough!) and rarely gets close to anyone for fear he will lose them - his loss led to apathy, a withdrawal from humanity, a fear that he will always be empty inside - his ability: No Longer Human. Chuuya, on the other hand, refuses to numb himself and instead feels every single emotion in full and values his bonds with others over anything. He wants to belong and makes efforts to be perceived as a part of his group. Underlying this, however, is a kind of tired grief paired with resilience - remember that his ability is Upon the Tainted Sorrow. Not anger, or rage.

Sorrow is what results from this kind of heavy identity crisis and loss - for both of them. Think of Odasaku's read on Dazai as someone who looked close to tears when "acting" in front of the sniper poised to shoot him, describing him to Gide as a too-smart child left in the dark, or the way Stormbringer constantly reminds us that Chuuya is 16 and the desperation he feels in the scene where he holds his own dying clone, unable to help him.

Both characters carry a melancholy, resulting from their respective issues with their own humanity - I know I'm not the first one to comment on how their abilities could just as easily be referring to each other as well as themselves. This reads as very intentional to me - much like Atsushi's story begins as a clear parallel to the short story Rashoumon and Akutagawa sometimes being referred to in more beast-like terms than man, it makes sense that Dazai and Chuuya would reference each other in a similar vein.

And if that was the end of it, then we would expect that deep sorrow to shine through in both characters, but it rarely does except in pivotal moments. That's because the both of them have had to constantly deal with external threats - they believe they cannot afford to show vulnerability.

So, what you get instead is Dazai taking a kind of twisted ownership over his inhumanity and using it to make people afraid of him and to control everything so that he is never blindsided and hurt again, in the process, further alienating himself and making his issues worse. He inflicts fear so he doesn't have to be afraid. He can relax and be as silly as he wants - so long as everything around him is completely according to his predictions. There's a bonus to his foolish demeanour as well: hardly anyone can read him well enough to get close.

Then you get Chuuya, who feels so strongly and so much that it has no choice but to boil over, and due to never being able to or feeling comfortable with being anything but "the strongest", he hides moments when he is touched, or worried, or grieving, with anger and violence and defensiveness. As such, he is always seen as more weapon than person, a cut above the rest, forever standing out to others no matter how much he tries to integrate. The closest he came to true belonging was wrenched away from him before he could have a chance to know what that would actually feel like with the death of the Flags.

These surface traits are defense mechanisms. And the amusing thing to me is that likely means these two would love if that's all most people ever saw of them. (Of course, they clearly do want to be seen and accepted, but defense mechanisms become automatic over time because they often feel much safer. Likely another reason they clash so much - they see each other, and it is deeply uncomfortable for them both.)

So, you have Dazai defending himself with his two-faced nature, making jokes and/or manipulating everyone in the vicinity, and Chuuya defending himself with intimidation and anger, never letting any vulnerability show through because anger is easier but at the core of all of this is that loss and that grief and the sorrow and fear that pervades from it.

885 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

#4

Dazai and Chuuya are two people who don't need to talk to each other to communicate but who also really should

1,372 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

#3

Not to skk post on main but that scene from Dead Apple made me insane for I think a slightly different reason than most...

Ok so. Gonna be honest. When I first watched this, the ah... positioning... did not occur to me at all, other than thinking "that looks really uncomfy :/".

I was too focused on what Dazai's hand does here. He first pushes him. Ok so he was trying to stop him from getting up and losing contact due to the fog. Cool. That serves a practical purpose.

But then Chuuya falls unconscious and Dazai's hand loses that contact for a second before he lowers it back down to rest on his head.

The thing is, there's no need for him to do that. Chuuya is already in contact with Dazai's legs and his ability works through clothes. Moreover, it wasn't just a continuation of pushing him down - there's a slight delay before he sets his hand back on his head.

He sets his hand there just because. And, due to the delay/hesitation, it appears to be a conscious choice to do so as well. Chuuya's out. There's no one around to act for.

I watched that and went holy shit that's genuine, isn't it? It's such a simple gesture of fondness, maybe even a bit of protectiveness, but it means a lot from someone as emotionally closed off as Dazai.

It's... weirdly sweet. He appears to have done it after Chuuya lost all his friends (again...) during DHC in the manga adaptation too, which is... :(

And now, with seeing Dazai immediately start playing with Chuuya's hair in the latest Fifteen adaptation, it also doubles as really funny to me. He saw a chance to touch his hair again and took it. What is wrong with this man.

1,565 notes - Posted December 12, 2022

#2

Genuinely don't think I've seen anyone talk about chapter 25 as a pivotal moment for Dazai so I'm gonna put this out here because I think his reactions here kind of negate that whole omnipotent Dazai interpretation which I hate with every fibre of my being.

Firstly, he's like, clearly caught off guard here. And don't try to tell me he wasn't, because this is just one instance of his genuinely horrified reaction to Q's release and when he realized what was actually going on with Atsushi, Naomi and Haruno.

Him being caught off guard carries significance here because you'd never catch him screwing up this bad later in the series - which is exactly my point.

I wrote a post earlier about how I don't think Dazai really is very much like Mori or Fyodor at all, and I stand by that, because their motives are different. Tldr for that post: Mori and Fyodor are ambitious and proactive, while Dazai is empty/numb and reactive.

What this leads me to believe is that Dazai is less a chess master like those two and more of a contingency planner - he's so good at "predicting" because he is uncannily good at thinking like his opponent and then planning for literally any possibility under the sun he can come up with. He's no gambler. Everything and everyone is practically (and unknowingly) micromanaged. It's almost paranoid in a sense, and I definitely think it's a trauma response to something he went through that we don't know about yet - after all, he was more than capable of this before he even met Mori.

...which brings to me to Mori's influence here. It's straight up like Dazai forgot how willing Mori is to gamble huge risks for a good outcome. It's like he forgot the mafia could be a real threat to his best-laid plans.

Going to throw out a wild claim here that I don't think is actually all that baseless - I think it's widely assumed that Dazai molds himself to what he needs to be (true!) but I think this misses the idea that he is also easily influenced by the mindsets of the people around him (see: the difference between Entrance Exam Dazai and early manga Dazai, the whole "the longer he was in the mafia the darker and more incomprehensible he became" thing from Stormbringer, how dark his eyes get in the prison sections with Fyodor, etc.). I could go on, but for the sake of not making this post too much longer, let's assume this is true because it suddenly makes sense as to why he failed to predict Q but predicted other events much later that were inherently more difficult to predict:

He was in the wrong mindset. He was thinking like an Agency member, and dare I say, he even got a little complacent. He started to get used to not having to manipulate every last variable - he was removed from a toxic environment - only for Mori to pretty much instantly fuck that up in one scene.

Let's also not forget what happened the last time he miscalculated Mori's intentions.

The consequences of this blunder could've been a lot worse and he knows it.

In his mind, thinking like an ADA member wasn't good enough to stop a potentially awful outcome - awful outcomes that could bring him pain. So, he goes back to what he knows - think like the demon prodigy. Think like Mori. Later on, think like Dostoyevsky. Because it seems to me that he believes as long as he is still working for the light that it doesn't matter if he uses these horrifically manipulative and inhumane methods of getting there. But he is wrong. Darkness within the context of good intentions is still very much darkness, and it hurts people all the same.

In the very next chapter, Dazai arranges Ango's car accident. And he only gets worse and worse throughout the series as he regresses back into his paranoid darkness that manifests as this omnipotent facade - his safety net that ultimately prevents him from developing in a positive, more human direction.

1,999 notes - Posted October 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

live mafia reaction

2,124 notes - Posted November 26, 2022

Cheers, and have a happy new year! I hope you can find something to be proud of, even if that was just making it through another year. See you in 2023!

[megan-loves-surveys]

#32. (sex survey in here, btw)

What was the last big change through which you went? Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? Mmm, it was getting a boyfriend and him actually being long-term haha. And it depends on the change.

What is something fun you have done within the past week? Maniacs show last night was very fun, I went with my wrestling friends and the crowd was big and rowdy.

Have you ever read any self-help books? No.

Do you thank the bus driver? Yep. The only time I don't is when it's super busy and the driver likely wouldn't hear me. Otherwise I always do.

Are you scared of needles? No.

Do you know anyone who is/was a drug addict? No.

Do you tend to cave into peer pressure? Not at all.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? Yep.

Who was the last person you went to the movies with? My boyfriend.

Do you ever fear falling asleep? If I'm being honest, a few times I have, but it's just my anxiety acting up. When my heartrate was being weird, I told my boyfriend and he was like "stop being silly, you'll be fine, you'll wake up tomorrow and annoy me immediately" LMAO. Of course, he was right :P

What do you think is the youngest age someone should lose their virginity? I was 14, I think it should be older than that. 16 is the age of consent here and that's fine.

Do you believe in abstaining from sex until marriage? Good lord no. I don't want to get married, does that mean I should just never have sex? Get the fuck outta here lol. If you wanna do that, more power to you but everybody should make their own decision on that, it's nobody's business when people have sex, that's personal.

What is your sexual orientation? Bi.

What is something you have acquired with age? Hmm.

Do you enjoy history? Not particularly.

Have you ever changed religions? I've never had a religion to change.

Have you ever lied about your gender? No. People have accused me of it though, I've been accused of being a dude loads of times online. It's stupid lmao, I had a bunch of pics of myself and if I was gonna lie about being somebody else, I'd use pics of a much hotter girl LOL.

Have you ever designed your own Facebook timeline cover? I have, kinda. I put together a montage of pics of me meeting The Shield guys when I finally got to meet Seth and had it as my cover pic for ages. Now I just have a pic of The Shield as a group xD

What is one site that closed down that you wish would come back? Bzoink lol, it closed down not that long ago, it was my main site for surveys. I'd also love different forums I posted on to come back so I can re-read the threads I posted on and that.

Are you a fan of the Saw movies? Not really, I've seen a few of them but they're not really my thing.

Do you ever forget how old your siblings are? -

Who last talked about kissing you? My boyfriend.

Did you speak to your father today? Not today, but he liked my last FB post lol.

Would you ever get gauged ears? No.

Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage? Sure, if that's what you want.

Did you ever give a hickey to the last person you kissed or you guys didn’t go that far? Hickeys are gross, I told my boyfriend if he gives me, I will kick his ass LOL, so I wouldn't give him one either.

List five of your favorite YouTubers. Call Me Kevin, ashens, Gray Still Plays, HeroVoltsy and Matt Rose. CMK and GSP do absolutely chaotic gaming videos, ashens reviews knockoff and cheap items, HV is a Pokétuber who plays fangames and ROM hacks and Matt Rose does insane videos where he reads things from the internet.

What pet names do you use with your significant other? I mostly call him babe or baby.

Who is your best online friend? All of my Discord wrestling friends, but I get on with Mordy and Donnie the best.

Who knows more about you: online friends or offline? Online tbh hahaha.

What’s something you find unconventionally romantic? When my boyfriend attempts to show interest in things I know he doesn't give two flying fucks about, haha. It's so cute seeing him try when I ramble on about girl groups or boybands xD He tries to be interested cos he knows it means a lot to me, and I find that very lovely.

List 3-10 things in nature you find amazing. Um...

What is one song that you’ve been listening to on repeat lately? Most of Madison Beer's Life Support album, but "Effortlessly" the most from it.

Do you enjoy creative writing? Yes.

Do you sleep with just a sheet in summer when it’s hot? Yes, I have a duvet but I always throw it off immediately when I get in bed haha. I HAVE to have a cover of some sort on me even if it's blazing hot, otherwise I can't sleep.

Do you get bursts of creative energy or is it more consistent? I definitely get bursts.

Have you ever been chased by a dog? Yes.

Is your voice high, low, or somewhere in the middle? Lower than what you'd expect from me.

What’s the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? My boyfriend on May 1, and I've bought his present, I'm getting him aftershave and a shirt he had his eye on but keeps forgetting to buy lol.

What was the last book you read? Reach For The Stars.

What are your plans for tomorrow? Work, and the gym afterwards.

Is there a gang problem in your area? We have gangs, but I don't know if they're a "problem" as such. The ones we see just go jogging and are always polite when they pass you LOL.

Do you make your Starbucks order more complicated if it isn’t busy? No, I stick to my main favourite drinks.

Would you date an already attached person? No.

When you marry, will you wear white? I'm not getting married.

Is there anything significant happening this month? April is almost over and nothing big is happening for the rest of it - next month is my boyfriend's birthday, a few WWE PPVs, a few indie shows and Eurovision. Gonna be a fun month.

What are your grandfathers’ names? Jack was my Granddad on my Dad's side... I'm gonna admit I don't know my other Granddad's name, cos I never met him :(

Have you ever seen a snake in real life? Only in a zoo or something lol, cos there isn't snakes in NZ.

Do you know anyone that has been held hostage before? No.

Can you ever hear dogs barking from your house? Does it annoy you? Yep. One of our neighbours has this dog that loves to bark whenever they go out and leave it alone, it's so annoying. The poor dog gets ignored a lot.

What’s your main reason for booking taxis? I don't remember the last time I took a taxi in NZ lol. So I guess the main reason is that I'm traveling and in a foreign country xD

When was the last time you saw your partner (or your best friend)? Partner - yesterday, he picked me up from work. Best friend - a few weeks ago, before she went to Japan.

How did you sleep last night? I slept alright.

Do you like candy corn? Never had it.

Are you bored right now? No.

Do your grandparents speak English as a first language? Yes.

Do you remember to turn lights off in the rooms you’re not actively using? Most of the time, but I forget the hallway light when I come down the stairs sometimes.

Do you have many snacks in your house right now? Yeah, I have two bags of chips in my room and a few other things.

Do you keep alcohol in your house? Sometimes.

Did you have a bunk bed when you were a kid? Yes.

tmi/sexual survey

What was your first “adult” experience? Does masturbation count? Cos that xD Otherwise, it was giving a boy a blowjob lol.

What’s the hottest thing you’ve done to someone else? My boyfriend says the hottest thing I let him do is cum inside me! He loves it.

Do you like giving head? If I'm being honest, I really don't like it, mainly cos it's super easy to trigger my gag reflex and then I panic. My boyfriend thankfully isn't too obsessed with it, he says that getting to do anal, cum inside me and do a bunch of other kinky things more than makes up for it.

Would you rather give head or receive it? Receive, but I don't ask my boyfriend to do it much cos I don't want to be selfish. If he's not getting it, neither am I.

Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Yep.

Have you ever fooled around outside? Yes! I've had full on sex outside hahah.

What are you wearing now? Nothing sexy lol - yoga pants and a Mox t-shirt. And ugg boots xD

Where is the craziest place you’ve done it? In a bathroom at a nightclub.

Do you like sexting? Yes! My boyfriend and I do it all the time, it's great when I'm at work and I get a dirty message from him xD

When you’re on top, what’s your favorite position? I like facing the guy, so you can see each other's faces.

Do you like eating ass? It's alright haha.

Would you rather eat ass or have your ass eaten? Have it eaten.

Do you find older people/partners attractive? My boyfriend is 18 years older than me, what do you think? :P

Do you like being naked or are you shy about it? It's fine! I've taken naked pics and stuff.

Have you ever fooled around with more than one person in one day? Yes.

Have you ever done stuff around other people? Oh yeah. Once we went to a get together at one of my boyfriend's friend's places, and everyone crashed there afterwards cos we'd all been drinking. My boyfriend and I had sex with one of his friends right next to us xD I have no idea if he was awake or not though lol.

Do you ever fantasize about an ex or a previous hookup? No.

Have you ever gotten or given car head while driving? I have, but it's dangerous so I prob won't do it again xD

Have you ever had a threesome? If not would you like to someday? Yep. It was me and two guys.

If you could have sex with any porn star, who would you choose? I don't know porn star's names haha.

Do you like getting tied up? How about tying someone else up? I LOVE getting tied up.

Most embarrassing sex thing you’ve confessed to a friend? Haha not sure.

Have you ever been caught fooling around? Yes.

How old were you when you started masturbating? I was super young like 3 or 4 years old from what I remember.

What was your go-to sexual fantasy in high school? I had fetishes right from my teen years, so one of them.

What’s the highest number of sexual positions you tried in one session? (feel free to name a few if you can remember) 4 or 5, probably?

Would you suck on anyone’s toes or let them suck yours? Yeah, sure.

Favorite things to do or have done to you during foreplay? Oh, everything. Nipple play, groping, mutual masturbation, stripping etc.

What is the riskiest text you’ve ever sent? I sent my boyfriend a dirty text when he was at work and it came up on his screen as he was showing a coworker something on it LOL xD Luckily, it was one of his friends and they thought it was funny.

Have you ever hooked up with a friend? Yes.

If you knew there would be no future repercussions, do you think you could ever be a porn star? Haha maybe xD

What’s an instant turn-on for you? Petnames like baby girl or kitten haha.

How old were you when you had for first kiss? 7.

What’s the kinkiest thing a partner has asked you to do? Did you do it? If I said it, I'd probably get banned or get in trouble lol.

What’s the farthest you’ve gone on a first date and did you think that would happen beforehand? Oh, I've had sex on a first date haha.

Would you rather be blindfolded or blindfold someone else? Be blindfolded.

Would you ever have phone sex? Oh yeah sure, my boyfriend went to Wellington for a work thing last year and we talked dirty on the phone while he was there LOL.

What do you think of open relationships? If it's your thing, then you do you, that's cool.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without jerking off? Haha maybe a week xD

Is there a position that you would like to try, but have not done yet? There's a few I'm unable to do cos of my shoulder, so one of those.

Have you ever hooked up with a coworker? No, cos since I've been at my job I've been with my boyfriend haha.

What’s the most memorable sexual experience you’ve had? There's so many to pick from, I can't decide.

Would you lick someone’s armpits or let them lick yours? Sure.

Have you or would you try BDSM? I do, I love it! I love a bit of pain.

How many exes’ numbers are still in your phone? None.

Have you ever caught someone else having sex or masturbating? Maybe, not sure.

Would you say you have a (physical) type or type(s), and if so how would you describe it? I would say no, but then again I think I kinda do cos one of my exes looked a lot like Jon Moxley xD

Have you ever had sex with someone that you weren’t really attracted to? No.

Is there a sexy scene from a movie or porn that you would want to try and recreate? Not that I can think of.

What do you find most attractive in a partner/hook-up? So many things.

Have you ever hooked up with your teacher/professor? No, cos I did university online, and I didn't fancy any of my high school teachers LOL.

Big ass or big dick? Big dick, thanks.

Do you like sending/receiving dirty pictures? Yes, love it!

Do you like to edge? I do yes, but I also have a hard time holding on xD

Have you ever recorded something sexual? Yep.

Do you like being dominated in bed, or do you like taking the lead? I am a major sub haha.

Do you like dirty talk? Yep.

Do you prefer to top or bottom? Bottom.

Do you like your hair pulled? Being spanked? etc. Spanking is amazing, I don't see it as a punishment, I love it haha. And hair pulling is hot too.

Most inappropriate place or time you’ve gotten aroused? At work. Thanks to my boyfriend sending me a dirty text lol, I was on reception too xD

Favorite sexual compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm.

Do you own any toys? I have a Satisfyer vibrator and some anal beads. I think I might buy a new vibrator though cos I think the battery in my current one is dying, I have to charge it way more these days.

What is your favorite position with you on the bottom? Missionary where my boyfriend folds me in half haha.

What’s one public place where you would want to do it? Anywhere where it's easy to get caught, but I don't want to get arrested LMAO.

Biggest kink or fantasy you’re willing to admit? I'm pretty much open to anything.

What is your go-to sexiest pair of underwear or outfit you own? My boyfriend loves it when I wear this super tight black playsuit, it shows off cleavage and legs xD

Does the thought of recording a video or being watched turn you on? Yes!

Do you shave? I get Brazilian waxes, shaving is way too itchy and I miss bits so I let a professional do it for me.

Do you prefer your partner shaved, trimmed, or all natural? My boyfriend is trimmed, but really I don't mind.

Have you ever tried roleplay? If not, would you? Sure, yes. Last year for my boyfriend's birthday I dressed up as a police officer and arrested him HAHAHA.

What kind of outfit or clothing would you like to see a partner in? Hmm, good question. He wants to dress up for me for my birthday, so I guess I need to think of something xD

Have you ever choked someone or been choked during sex? Yes, absolutely love it. My boyfriend knows how to do it properly without hurting my neck.

How often do you watch porn? For my porn needs, I mostly use BDSMLR, but I do watch actual porn too.

Last time you jerked off? Yesterday, lol.

Have you ever done or received a striptease/lap dance? Would you want to? Yep, I've given one and received one before, I went to a strip club YEARS ago for a laugh and my friends dared me to get a lapdance lol. She did a good job!

Would you rather hear or watch a partner pleasure themselves for you? Watch!

What’s one thing you would like more of in bed? My boyfriend does everything I want, and he's always asking me what I want more of.

What kind of porn do you usually watch? I like pretty much everything, but I always skip blowjob scenes lol.

Weirdest sexual experience? Prob the time with an ex where my back gave out on me and it legit locked me into place and I couldn't move, and I was on top LOL. My ex thought he was doing a bad job but my back just wasn't cooperating haha.

[hanemiso]

Operation: Dairy For Dazai

>>>a dazai osamu x reader<<<

request: "omg i love your post about Dazai and his possibility of having lactose intolerance hahaha, i wish you could do a fanfic out from that"

a/n: um this is such a great idea??? this was so much fun to write omg i hope y'all like it! also i know dazai doesn't necessarily drink coffee with milk and sugar/creamer, but for the sake of the story he does! also sorry if the gif looks weird, i couldn't find his weird little run anywhere else.

synopsis: no one has seen dazai drink milk or consume dairy of any kind...it's up to the agency to figure out if dazai is lactose intoleralnt or not!

warnings: one swear word, dazai not being able to handle dairy

"hey atsushi, you ever notice that dazai doesn't consume dairy?"

"what do you mean, y/n?" atsushi asks, glancing up at you from the computer.

"think about it. have you ever seen dazai drink milk? eat cheese? buy ice cream?" you press on, raising your brows.

atsushi takes a second to think before responding with, "now that you mention it, no i haven't...why are you asking anyway?"

"i think dazai is lactose intolerant."

you now have atsushi's full attention as he rolls closer to your desk and furrows his brows. he looks around the room for the brunette you're talking about before turning back to you, "you think so? i don't know...maybe it's like a dietary thing."

you deadpan, "you really think the man who goes out of his way to try new attempts at committing suicide--the one who came into the office with a hallucinogenic mushroom from a random mountain--is concerned with his own nutrition?"

atsushi goes silent and nods his head in agreement.

"come on, atsushi. i mean, why would that be the one thing out of his entire diet that he'd choose to cut out?"

"that's true, i've seen the kinds of things he eats...but why is this something you're interested in?"

"because, atsushi, the thought of THE dazai osamu even having one slight weakness--and the fact that it very well may be dairy, of all things-- is amusing. you don't find it interesting? that he can survive things like bullet wounds and getting kidnapped without any problem, but a glass of milk could completely ruin him?"

atsushi was beginning to take interest in what you were talking about. you had a point, he couldn't deny that. they don't know much about dazai and his life as it is. just as it began clicking in his brain, kunikida walks over to your desk to tell you both to get back to work. at the sound of his footsteps, you turn towards him and before he can say anything at all, you ask him the same question as atsushi. kunikida has a smiliar reaction and response to atsushi, which just adds to the curiosity of dazai's possible dairy problem.

"i don't pay attention to that idiot's diet anyway, nor do i care." he says matter-of-factly.

anyone could tell that kunikida was slightly interested, just by the way he was continuing to linger by your desk as you continued talking about it with atsushi. soon enough, tanizaki had joined the conversation; then ranpo and kenji, and soon everyone in the agency other than fukuzawa. everyone was huddled around your desk, sharing memories of dazai's lack of dairy consumption. it was then decided that this theory of dazai being lactose intolerant would be put to the test when dazai returned to the office.

ranpo had come up with the idea, it wasn't too elaborate but a simple plan that could trick even the likes of dazai into drinking a glass of milk. during the discussion of dazai's dietary habits, it was also brought to everyone's attention by kunikida that it seems dazai doesn't have a high spice tolerance either. with that in mind, the plan was for the agency to have a joint dinner tonight, with curry on the menu tonight; spicy curry to be exact. dazai always flirts with you in the office, so it was your job to distract him by indulging in his pick-up lines and such. once he takes a bite and realizes it's too spicy for him, he'd try to find water to alleviate the pain, but coincidentally there is no water in sight. because of this, he'd be forced to drink the glass of milk you hand him. of course, if this didn't work, for dessert you'd give him a cup of coffee with milk and sugar (he uses non-dairy creamer in his coffee anyway).

you and kyouka set up a table to put the bowls of curry on, while atsushi and kunikida began bringing in the curry. tanizaki, naomi, and ranpo were in charge of getting the desserts to really sell the image of a nice gathering. kenji and yosano were in charge of tinkering with the water pipes to close off any possibility of access to water. this task was treated with such care, as any mission brought into the agency would be. each and every one of you were interested in learning about this side of dazai; are you going the extra mile for such a minuscule detail of someone's life? yes, but will it be amusing to find out the truth? also yes.

soon enough, dazai is spotted out the window. the truth is about to be revealed, and you are all nervous but excited.

"remember guys, act natural! operation: dairy for dazai starts now!" you exclaim quietly.

you can hear everyone take a deep breath and begin "talking" amongst themselves as dazai walks in. he stops in his tracks as he eyes the table holding all the bowls of curry and widens his eyes in surprise.

"oh? what's this?" he asks, gesturing to the table.

"y/n suggested having dinner in the agency tonight, so we got some curry and desserts." atsushi explains.

"have a bowl, dazai-kun." you smile at him as you hand him the bowl of spicy curry.

"ah, you're too nice, my belladonna!" he exclaims and grabs the bowl.

so far so good, you think.

you can feel the tension in the room as everyone waits for dazai to take a bite. the conversations carry on amongst people, but no one was truly paying attention to what was being said. the gazes of each member of the agency shifted to dazai as he raised the spoon up to his mouth. you could hear the sound of everyone in the room holding their breaths, even kunikida was sweating.

once the spoon had been placed in his mouth, everyone froze in place. you and atsushi tried to pretend to not be paying much attention to dazai, but it was so hard not to when all of a sudden he stopped chewing. you both slowly turn your head towards him and see his eyes go wide once again. he hurries to the nearest trashcan and spits out the spoonful, quickly turning and looking for a cup of water on the table.

"w-what's wrong, dazai-san?" atsushi asks, also sweating.

"h-hot! spicy curry! atsushi-kun, i need water! please!" dazai exclaims.

you run to the table and pretend to look for a cup of water before grabbing the glass of milk and hurrying towards dazai.

"sorry dazai-kun, i couldn't find any water, but i heard milk helps with the pain!" you hold out the glass of milk.

it feels like time stops as dazai sits there, breathing shallows breaths in attempts to stop the fire in his mouth, and contemplating whether he wants to try his luck with continuing to gasp for air or drinking the milk. he hates suffering, after all. in his mind, all that matters at this moment is extinguishing the flames dancing on his tongue. he grabs the glass, just as planned, and drinks a couple big gulps. everyone is now turned to him, asking if he's okay.

"i'm...fine." he says between pants.

now it was only a matter of time. the dinner continued as normal, but dazai wasn't as social as usual. he sat down with you and atsushi as you continued to talk about different missions.

"oh yeah, dazai-kun, do you remember--" you turn to look at him but realize he's staring at the ground intently as sweat beads on his face, "dazai?"

he blinks once and tries regaining his composure as he looks up at you with his usual smile, "yes, belladonna?"

"are you feeling alright?" you ask with concern laced in your voice.

"of course i am!" dazai tries to reply cheerily, but his bright tone is cut off by a rumbling in his stomach that makes his face twist.

he tries replacing his expression with a smile again, but it looks more pained as another low rumble emits from his body. at this point, everyone in the office is stealing glances. he looks back at the ground as his eyes widen yet again, and only two words are uttered before he takes off running to the bathroom:

"oh shit."

everyone stares at the door, processing what just happened. it was so silent, the only sound you could hear was dazai's rapid footsteps echoing down the hall.

"i knew it." you smirk a bit to yourself.

but your feeling of victory is brief as the horrid smell invades your nostrils. your poor co-workers get assaulted by the same stench, and you all are forced to evacuate.

operation: dairy for dazai was a success, but at what cost?

------------------------------------------

BONUS: how chuuya found out about dazai's lactose intolerance

chuuya was the only person who knew of dazai's problem with dairy, but the way he found out was purely accidental and scarred him.

the event took place when they were 17, and they were both stopping for a drink at a local cafe after a mission. the mission wasn't too bad, but it was early in the morning and chuuya wanted coffee. dazai told him it would stunt his already lacking growth, so chuuya wasn't in the greatest mood; he never was around dazai.

"i wanna sit down so you can order for me!" dazai claps his hands together.

"hey! i don't wan-" chuuya begins to protest but dazai cuts him off while walking away.

"you know what i like!"

chuuya grumbles in annoyance as he heads to the counter and orders two drinks. in his fit of anger, he accidentally ordered two coffees with milk and sugar, but failed to notice as he brought the cups to the table dazai sat at. he narrows his eyes as he sets the cup down in front of dazai and sits across from him. chuuya stares out the window to try and tune out dazai when he hears dazai ask him something quietly.

"is there...milk in this?"

chuuya scoffs and replies, "what's wrong, can't handle a bit of milk?"

he was obviously joking, but the sound that emits from dazai's body in response makes him realize it was no joke. dazai quickly stands and runs to the bathroom while chuuya sits there in disbelief, but with the hope that the rest of the day won't be ruined because of it.

that was wishful thinking though, as they frequently had to stop at public restrooms on their way home and chuuya had to deal with the rancid odor that followed dazai as closely as his own shadow.

taglist: @justmycupoftea93 @loveliestmolly @darlingimawitch @b-i-t-t-i-e-s @browneyespinkhair @silverstar22x @stupidfrogfreak @anotakugardener @jhopesstickeredcarrier @joyfulartisanstudentlamp @spacedoutcoffeebeans @puddingowo66 @kaeyapng @beomluvrr @imobsessedwithskkanditshows

[elvenmoans]

People you want to know better ask meme

Tagged by @spiced-wine-fic and @ofleavesofgold

I gotta say I used to not understand these ask tags as a young fandom teen, but now as an adult I was delighted to be thought of :)

Three ships: to remain Tolkien specific, I go mad for Melkor/Mairon and Mairon/Celebrimbor as I am a sucker for evil pretty men. My wholesome Tolkien ship of choice is Gimli/Legolas

First-ever ship: .... Male!Hatsune Miku x Kaito... orz

For Tolkien specific it was Thorin anyone I just was really thirsty for him

Last song: Priority by the Booyah Kids is weird but tickles my brain just right

Last film: literally the Return of the King. Which I had never seen before bc I have the attention of a rat for movies and never got around to it before

Currently reading: trying to read the first Drizzt book but struggling to get into the writing style. I really want to get past the writing style not being my favorite as it sounds like the kind of story I love

Currently consuming: low qaulity but nostologic chocolate my step mom gave me for Easter which I absolutely adore bc im 24 but she wanted to mother me anyways 🥺

Tagging:

@spiced-wine-fic you make some really great observations and kind comments. I am kind of awed that you've been in this fandom longer than I've been alive.

@ofleavesofgold I know we haven't interacted much but I've enjoyed the interactions we have had. Youre cool :)

@elennalore I adore your Mairon Celebrimbor fics!!!

@tolkien-feels you have such amazing ideas and analysis of the lore. I really love reading what you have to say

@sinick @space-arsonist @mara-xx217

Orc lovers gotta stuck together. Not many people post about Shadow or Mordor or even orcs in general and I really enjoy seeing your guy's names over and and over. It makes a sense of community that I really enjoy.

Also I have seen more than one reddit comment expressing shock over nsfw uruk stuff on Ao3 (especially the ratbag content) and it makes me so happy hahaha. It's us!

@boozy-dwarf gets a special shout out for their amazing art. I love it so much!! I like how you make Azog feel like a person without nerfing him. It's amazing. I love your art style

[oldbookist]

Hi!

Honest question: could you point me towards the specific content delegitimizing E/C in the fandom in recent years? I've seen your posts, and I'm very confused. I joined the fandom over a year ago, and maybe I've curated my space way too well, but I've never seen a single post against the ship. Posts or ships that contradict it? Yeah, of course, but that's just rareship hell (at least their fanon sexualities are compatible, Courfious shippers have to deal with most people headcanoning Marius as straight!). But actively against it? It seems like it was a big issue around 2012, but is it still a thing?

Thank you for taking the time to answer! ^^

i…am not going to dredge up old discourse posts or anon hate, sorry.

but anyway anon, i don’t think it’s due to your curation that you haven’t seen anything, this fandom is remarkably different today than it was in like, 2017, but even then it was not usually overt hate like the enjonine shippers faced. and i guess i can’t really talk about that without getting into the Lore, so:

long ago, the ships lived together in harmony. (well……..relatively speaking.) but everything changed when the 2012 movie came out.

what had once been an extremely niche fandom became very large indeed. exr had been popular on a small scale before, but after 2012 it expanded into a massive Ever Given of ships that blocked all competing ships. even this was not so bad if that was the only change, but what also came to power in this time period was The Modern AU Fanon, which was essentially brand new original fiction that happened to share names with les mis, invented by some popular posts and fanfiction. this basically replaced canon and you were expected to conform to it in the same way.

a little thing about e/c shippers: we have long prided ourselves on our knowledge and adherence to canon. so this did not go over too well for us! and here is where you get things like people telling you prouvaire is canonically nonbinary, and that enjolras/grantaire is canon so it is therefore homophobic to ship him with anyone else. so sure, their fanon sexualities were theoretically compatible, but in practice? hahaha no.

i don’t really think i can stress enough how mindblowingly bizarre this period of fandom was.

i’m talking about, it was extremely controversial to simply state that enjoltaire wasn’t canon. you would get harassed for that.

unlike enjonine, we were never really big enough to warrant getting hate in our sad little ship tag, there were like 10< people making content for it. so what harassment we got was more for having the audacity to ship something other than exr. and that’s what the whole emphatically platonic e/c thing is about, people could not comprehend enjolras being in a romantic relationship with anyone but grantaire, so we were ignored or minimized. (basically, when we’d post about it you’d frequently have someone commenting about how much they loved their ✨friendship✨ and let me tell you that really starts to grate over time.) like well, you can have it but ONLY if it’s platonic. well enjolras’s REAL partner is grantaire actually.

imagine i went around reblogging exr posts like “wow they’re such good friends, #platonic superhusbands” that’d be a dick move wouldn’t it!

so if you weren’t here, it is really hard to explain how fucking weird it was. i’m glad you don’t know! over the past year or so, for reasons i do not understand, this fandom has shifted dramatically towards being more canon-centric and also much more tolerant of dissenting headcanons and ships. (which is awesome.) so i also thought maybe all this was a thing of the past, but seeing the reactions to my recent posts, maybe not yet.

hope this explains some of it, or at least why e/c shippers tend to be very touchy about “sappho and her friend”-ing the ship.

[wowsoboring]

Deconstructing baseless Harry Potter arguments #1: Harmony Edition

There’s a very helpful account on instagram (this instagram page merely gathers toxic harmony shippers, they don’t ship Harmione or hate all Harmione shippers, please don’t send them hate, show them love and support) where you can essentially find stupid fucking bashers who make baseless arguments. I’m all for Harmione shippers, as long as they don’t denounce Romione, bash Ron and just peacefully co-exist. To my pleasure, such people are out there: they just dont seem to be seen as often as the ones that are not nice. Maybe all I see is the mean people and the majority is nice, but in this post, I am attacking those who make baseless claims and bash Ron/Romione/Hinny/Ginny. I don’t myself hate all Harmione shippers. On top of that, as a Romione/Ron fan, i do acknowledge Ron’s character flaws along with Hermione’s and I hold them on the same pedestal.

This is copied directly from my own instagram page, granger.weasley_ on ig.

Anyways let's get deconstructing

1)

rebuttal:

Yeah okay mf; maybe don’t compare real-life relationships with fucking fictional ones. Your relationship going wrong has nothing to do with Ron/Hermione. It has everything to do with you and your ex: the *real life* people involved in it.

2)

rebuttal:

The weird subreddits and discord servers also seem to have a lot of die-hard Harmione “non-canon” shippers. They bash Ron and Romione (along with Ginny and Hinny) with a burning passion without any objective sense of remorse. They ignore all the merits of Ron’s character and bash him to push their agenda. They can’t even do so much as fucking acknowledge any of Hermione’s character flaws but still somehow manage to fixate on that one time when 11 year old Ron just shit-talked one line while Hermione had just publicly humiliated him in front of the Charms class and practically shouted at him for doing the spell wrong just before. I personally don’t because Hermione was 11 too and wasn’t that good at social cues that early on, which is more than okay. Neither am I.

Only a few people in the Romione fandom bash Hermione. And it’s not like Harmione shippers (most, not all!) don’t bash Ron and Ginny remorselessly, right? The fucking hypocrisy.

If someone considers Ron as the best member of the trio, it is their own opinion and not a fact. I do that. If you consider Harry and Hermione as the best member of the trio or in the whole wizarding world, most people don’t give a flying fuck and probably won’t argue with you because it is simply an opinion. That will only happen when you pass that off as a fact.

Statistically speaking, most (not FUCKING all) Harmione moments are in the movies. The weird dance scene especially. The passionate kiss that happens in Ron’s vision, shit like that. Ron is pushed to the sidelines in the last set of movies while Harry and Hermione show each other endless love and support. “I’ll go with you”. The books on the other hand, describe Harry and Hermione as siblings multiple times, with very little Harmione references.

3)

rebuttal:

So you don't want us to fixate on the large majority of Harmione shippers who do the exact same thing, just kissing Hermione's and Harry's ass and hating on Ron. However you will fixate on people who are most likely not EVEN bashing or hating but pointing out a few character flaws in Hermione in a fair and unbiased way. I would know, I'm a huge fan of Hermione as an individual character (in the books). The only criticism I've seen of Hermione to this day has not been bashing. In the comment section of my own fics (shameless plug) I've seen some Hermione bashing. On an ao3 comment section. And I've seen so damn fucking many people bashing Ron, Ginny, the Weasleys etc. and garner tens and thousands of upvotes on quora.

What does Ron even need excusing for? The running away incident and Krum. What does Hermione need excusing for? Canaries, contributing to Ron's insecurities by making him jealous through Cormac and Krum even though she didn't even like them (especially not Cormac, she fucking hated him). Ron wore a locket that literally highlighted his fatal flaw (insecurity) in an echo chamber. Harry kept getting annoyed when Ron wanted to check in on his family. Harry asked Ron to leave; Ron didn't say that shit in the books about Harry's parents being dead: that was plain shock value.

And sorry for repeating myself but I have seen quite a few Harmione shippers bash Ron and Ginny and excuse every single thing Harry and Hermione have done.

4)

37 upvotes on this weird comment that makes no sense? Echo chamber alert! You know what us Romione/Ron fans all have in common? We have never experienced such an echo chamber. I made a pro Ron/Romione post on reddit and got a considerable amount of people who bashed Ron and Romione in the comments.

The amount of Hermione haters is very few compared to Ron bashers. Nobody hates Hermione for being independent, determined, etc. We dislike perfect movie Hermione who’s an unrealistic image of females and seems like some sort of agenda than a real woman. Most Romione shippers/Ron fans and book fans in general (except for you apparently) dislike movie Hermione and still are fans of realistic book Hermione. Most, not all. In general, we do not claim anyone who does the exact same thing to Harry and Hermione that these sorts of Harmione shippers do to Ron, Romione, Hinny and Ginny. I say this on the behalf of all Romione shippers and Ron fans.

Ron's not a bitchy lay-about drama causing loser. That's Steve Kloves's movie Ron. In the books Ron is realistic and simplistic and apologizes whenever he causes problems. He acts up substantially twice in a span of 7 years where he is also a hormone-fuelled teenager.

This is so contradictory and juxtaposed to the point of near delusion. First you talk about how Romione shippers bash Hermione and then you bash Ron as a Harmione shipper. Mate, fighting fire with fire will get you called a hypocrite. Fix yourself.

5)

So the movies are fine when they work according to your agenda? And yes how dare he add such a (fake) chemistry fuelled moment between Harry and Hermione while defeating the entire purpose and groundwork for Romione, the sadness caused by Ron leaving and so many more things? Those Harmione moments you mention seem friendship -esque more than anything else.

Steve Kloves's moments ruined many things while just paying fan service to the Harmione fans he'd birthed through years in the course of 6 movies where he showed Ron as a, how you so eloquently describe it, lay - about drama causing bitchy loser, Harry as one dimensional and Hermione as a zero - dimensional Mary Sue who might as well be the main titular character. Obviously Harmione fans such as yourself don't see the problem with it as it fits your narrative

6)

We do care about Harry and Hermione at large. Most Romione shippers rightfully bash Draco, Pansy, etc. not particularly Harry and Hermione, that's quite rare. Harry and Hermione can get along without Ron as friends. Ron and Harry can also get along without. Hermione as friend. So can Hermione and Ron without Harry as friends or more. I don't understand your point and how what you said is any different than Romione or Ronarry’s friendship.

7)

Constant arguing is not what they do. They bicker, they apologize, and sometimes they just do it for the heck of it. They are argumentative teenager. Opposites attract doesn't work in the sense of fire and ice, it works in the case of Brownie and ice-cream. Ron is passionate, laid back and insecure. Hermione's passionate, a workaholic and not as insecure. Ron can help her get calm and composed and get her to give herself a break. Hermione can motivate Ron and re - enforce his confidence.

It wouldn't be step incest. Harry and Ginny do not regard each other as siblings. They do not look similar whatsoever. And a Harmione shipper also bashes Hinny and Ginny along with Ron and Romione? Checks out

" that fucked up Harmony" hahaha. What?

8)

Are you literally going to date someone on the basis of what Harry Potter ships they prefer? That is so shallow end depraved. Your Harry Potter ship preferences should not be the groundwork for your dating life. Please understand that. Harry Potter is a fictional world which is not real. Hogwarts doesn't exist. Magic doesn't exist. I sound like a Dursley but that's what it is: a fictional realm with fictional character. I would personally not give a fuck if my best friend or significant other was a Harmione shipper. In the case of them being a Ron basher, I would ignore it as if it was just a minor inconvenience and something we wouldn't be discussing and that's how it should be with you. Fuck BuzzFeed, your opinion on what Harry Potter ship / character is your favorite says squat about your personality and relationship with others in a romantic or platonic context. But who cares? Live your life however you want. I'll be stoic.

9)

It's not opposites attract rubbish or high school opposites attract. Ron and Hermione aren't polar opposites like I said, they are a bit different but similar too in many ways. They have a lot more in common than Harry and Hermione. Ron and Harry have the most in common. Both Ron and Hermione are passionate, loving, argumentative, caring, etc. Your argument lacks substance. It's biased trash. And what does “obhwf " mean?

---------------------------------

at the end of the day, i’m just an annoyed teenager. I try my best to be open-minded to people but only as long as they are too. I tried to use my brain more than my feelings for this post. 

[astroidology]

My thoughts on each sign I've had a crush on/dated :

Male Version bc I'm straight haha

■ Aries: FUN! Very energetic, very easy to talk to and funny. He never did any special treatment to me but he told everyone that he liked me... so, okay, confusing. He would listen to me, so that was attractive. We eventually stopped talking bc he moved away. He ended up never telling me directly that he liked me though but he did reached out to me years later and confessed his love omg intense.

□ Aries #2: very smart. Could literally outsmart anyone, that's attractive. I adored how he would tell me that I was wrong. Challenging. We were never really close friends, we had mutual friends so we would see each other every once in a while. Again, he told a few people that he had a crush on me, and even told me that after a couple of months. He was very very sweet. I don't think I've ever met such a sweet Aries before, so extra points. But very straightforward, he asked me out almost immediately.

■ Taurus : always staring at me, most of the times i looked at him, i caught him. I had to be the one that made the first move and talk to him but very interesting, he always seemed to know what to respond and he'd respond right away. Kinda like he knew what i was going to ask him. he'd be shy sometimes and would let me do all the talking but he remembered everything that I once told him. Once he got comfortable he'd brought it up in our convos and it'd be the sweetest thing. Also, he'd follow me around a lot, id see him almost everywhere and sometimes he would even wait for me, so yea... super sweet.

■ Gemini : funny. We were like best friends. Our humour was very similar so we'd be laughing most of the time and having a great time. He was VERY straightforward, he would always tell me that he liked me, he was very touchy as well. And even after years, he still reaches out to me... so idk I thought he would move on or smthing.

□ Cancer : I had a crush on him for like 3 years straight and he never knew bc I'm very lowkey but also because we were best friends and he had a gf so I wasn't going to make any mistakes. But oh boy, he was very cool, open minded and fun. He wasn't that sensitive though, I've never seen him crying either. He was very sweet sometimes. A risk taker.

■ Cancer #2: so sweet! Mama's boy. Was very close to his sister as well. Very very shy so I basically had to make a move. But yeah, I also had a crush on him on the low-low until his best friends told me that the cancer boy liked me. I was in shock. That guy would barely talk I didn't understand but ok. He was so funny, attentive and a great listener. A little lazy and would always show up late tho. Very into skinship and pda. Sensitive af.

□ Leo : I had like a small crush on him bc he was so funny and I would laugh my ass out everytime I'd see him lol but I don't think he liked me back, he was just a funny guy hahaha also, we had great convos.

■ Virgo : it took me some time to like him mostly bc he tried way too hard to be liked, he just seemed very well put together it was almost hard for me to believe that he was real. He was huge on compliments and gifts and also seemed very committed since day one. He'd enjoy spending time together and would talk to me always, no matter what he was doing which for me was a lil too intense but i started liking that after a while. He was very into making things work as well so when times got rough, he was still holding on to us so that kinda helped me believe in relationships and i guess the amount of effort you can put into something you really want. He left once he had tried everything to stay so I admire him for that.

□ Libra: I liked him right away but not as much to make a move you know. He seemed very mysterious which is weird bc libras are so open. He would stare at me from afar until one day he straight up talked to me. He was a hopeless romantic for sureeee. He never told me that he liked me directly, but he would always mention how I was his type lol and that he really liked my voice, he was older than me though. One day he gave me a flower he made out of a napkin. Then he got a girlfriend and cutted me out from all of his social media so now I don't know what the fck happened lol

■ Scorpio : now, I didn't have a crush on him, but he had a crush on me and would write me love letters. We were really young back in the day, so I get that but yea. That lasted probably like a year, I don't know anything about him anymore.

□ Sagittarius : I really liked his voice. We talked only for like two days but he was very smart. It was interesting talking to him. We're still friends.

■ Capricorn : oh no. I've had the biggest crush on him for years now. Idk what it is about him but ;( The thing is I don't really know him, I've never talked to him, so I can only imagine. I'm sure he has no idea that I like him but back when we were able to see each other in school, I'd stare at him purposely so that he would notice lol creepy I know but I'm sure he noticed two times. He would look at me sometimes. But you know that very sweet look ? Yea, he looked at me like that so idk. And when I got the courage to dm him (after couple of months), I found out that now he had a gf so... whatever I guess. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

□ Aquarius : toxic. I honestly rather stay away from him now but I used to really like him back in the day, we were really good friends. He was also very sweet and kind. And would do unexpected things that caught me by surprise. Such as showing up at my job place just to say hi loo He confessed his "love" right away and wanted to rush into things, next thing I know he's looking through my texts and is telling me to not have any friends wtf. That was a real turn off for me so cutted him off.

■ Pisces : he really lived in his own world. He was very insecure as well. Would always tell me that I deserved better which is sad. And although he had really bad memory, he remember my birthday. Very sweet deep-down, not the most funny guy but he would be laughing all the time. I did have to be careful with my words bc he was prone to getting the wrong intention. His kisses were very sweet, so much love into them. He brought me flowers on our first date. He was very open about his feelings even though he wouldn't treat me any differently.

[tigre-edi-rawr]

The beginning.

November 9, 2021. All it took was a simple "Heyaa" in a private message to start it all. I made a joke about how a Ramos from the past had previously wounded me, and you responded jokingly, "change name na ko." Then I discovered you're a seaman. I knew right away that I shouldn't develop romantic feelings, that I don't do long-distance relationships, and that I'd told you that. You didn't reply after that. You left my messages seen for four days.

November 13, 2021. I saw your message. "Gooodmorning. Naalala kita hahaha dumaan ako ng cabuyao. Dito me Nuvali ngayon" then you asked "Can I see you before going home? Daanan lang kita." I was weirded out tbh haha, but I refused politely. "Okay maybe some other timeeee just wanna make myday meaningful." I realized now that if I agreed to meet you at that time, we wouldn't be able to talk for long. Maybe I'll lose interest if you give me the impression that you're looking for a relationship and I'm not. Or that you're so into me that it's creeping me out. I was talking to several men at the time, and I didn't even notice you that much. My focus is never solely on a single man.

Everything happened so quickly. I can only recall how I began to like you through chat. The more you speak, the more I want to know you. The more I learn about you, the more I see myself wanting you. You're one-of-a-kind. You're a giant mold of all my desires. The way you think, the words you use, your life perspective, and the way your brain works. I've never met anyone like you. It's astonishing how genuine you are while also being perfectly suited to me. It's driving me insaneeeee!

I remember wanting to try ukay-ukay shopping, and you said you'd come with me. At the time, I imagined us wearing matching outfits, acting silly together, and laughing. I was ecstatic to be able to do so. I was even planning what to wear because I wanted to look nice.

Then, it happened. Us.

November 20, 2021. It had been a long day. I went shopping for our home's supplies, cooked meals and did my laundry. I remember being so sleepy because I was exhausted. But then we started talking about going to the beach, and you invited me to join you and your friend's outing. I was feeling a lot of emotions... thrilled, elated, and gratified. I was also concerned because I could feel my body heating up. I'm not sure if it's safe or you are somewhere I can be safe. But I knew I wanted to come because I wanted to see you. I want to get to know you in person. That's why I agreed; I was waiting for a concrete plan. However, plans have changed. We were going on our trip, just the two of us. At a hotel resort, I never even heard before. It was crazy. I was feeling a lot of crazy. But I was ecstatic as fuck.

An hour of jeepney ride... I can't help but think about what would happen, or maybe I should sleep during the ride to rest my brain.

When the jeepney dropped me off at SM Calamba, I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find you. I walked around, checking everyone, and you're not there. I remember thinking maybe it was all a prank, that I should head back home. My phone died so I can't contact you. I figured I'd give it one more shot and find somewhere to charge my phone. I was about to walk upstairs at the time when I thought I saw you inside SM Calamba. I looked again, and there you were. We were both smiling as we met halfway. I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say.

You're astonishingly tall. I'm not sure why I can't stop staring at you; maybe it's because I'm used to being the tall one. You look so neat, so young. You're so close I can smell you. Don't even get me started on your voice, which is both cute and manly. It sounded gentle but manly. I recall feeling unkempt when I stood or walked next to you. It was a strange sensation as if I were ugly.

I'm not sure what it is about being in a grocery store with you that makes me happy. The spark was present. We did buy food, mostly yours because I only chose one snack. But I want to remember the best moment I had with you in Calamba. You treated those tricycle drivers as if they were your friends, and you knew how to make them laugh. It felt good. I knew you were a decent man, but it left me speechless. You come across as cool and entertaining.

[crossdressingdeath]

(1/2/ I've been starting to read fic again and it just hit me how it's so fucking weird that there's so much... harmful and borderline manipulative dialogue that gets swept away as ... brotherly banter?? Like. Jiang Cheng could say "Wei Wuxian you are such an annoying fuck no other family except for us would ever want you. One day your stupid ideas will get you killed and I'll have to bury your sorry corpse" and WWX would just go "Ah shidi you do care! Hahaha never change A-Cheng!" Like.

(2/2) Do the fic writers not see the blatant red flags here ?! Are they unaware of how many harmful behaviors they are condoning ???? Im just. ?????

Yeah, that's always the thing. Like... it's fine to write relationships that for sure would not be healthy in real life as if they were healthy, fic isn't a how-to guide (I mean if I took issue with that I wouldn't be slowly working my way through the murder husbands Ao3 tag, now would I?) but the writers always seem so convinced that JC's treatment of WWX is genuinely healthy and good and would be so in the real world and something that WWX should be grateful for and pleased by? Hey, fun fact, telling your brother that he's so annoying no one else would ever take him except your (abusive) family is cruel! This is not healthy banter! There are lines you do not cross! Like, I'll call my sister a bitch but I won't tell her she's unlovable, y'know? But there are writers who'll add in this incredibly cruel and manipulative dialogue for JC and then get mad if anyone says "Wow, JC's being kind of a dick" and like... if you don't want people to conclude that he's a dick then don't write him like that! I've seen fics where JC reduces WWX to near tears and the authors get confused and upset if anyone says anything about JC being awful! Like... to bring it back to the murder husbands, no author is going to get mad about someone commenting about how horrible and manipulative Hannibal is because yes! Yes he is horrible and manipulative! This is a thing that the author is doing on purpose!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my issue isn't necessarily people writing JC being cruel and manipulative with maybe a couple of grudging kindnesses here and there as if that's super healthy; I don't like it and the fact that it's become such an overwhelming Thing in the fandom that it's nearly impossible to avoid without just straight up blocking JC's tags (and sometimes even that doesn't work) pisses me off, but it's fiction, do what you like. My issue is that the people writing JC being cruel and manipulative with maybe a couple of grudging kindnesses here and there don't even seem to realize that that's not healthy and would be really really bad in the real world. Or to put it another way, what bothers me is the total failure to understand why someone would see someone constantly insulting and putting down their "brother" who they supposedly love as a red flag. It's not just "I don't want to examine that aspect of things" (which, again, this is fandom, do what makes you happy); it's "I don't understand why anyone would ever have a problem with JC constantly putting WWX down and making him miserable because I've decided it's cute", which is... considerably less understandable.

[exosmutfactory]

It's really heart breaking to read this. I can't begin to imagine the exhaustion you must feel. It's sad to know that something that you used to give so much drive and joy became this toxic and just ends up consuming you because of others. I'm sorry to hear that from you. I don't know if you will continue to write even if you don't decide to publish and just write for your own entertainment. But I really hope you do! I created my ff blog after anonymously reading Six Phases and it had such huge impact of on me. As did many of your works... You are a really gifted writer. Thank you for everything I can only hope things go right for you. Sending strength and compassion your way.

I spent the last 2 weeks taking a break away from here and AFF. The only way to not stress is to not see anything, so I make sure to stay away as much as I can.

I remember how active and happier I was in January this year. I wanted to start the new year right and full of positivity. Yet for the past two months, I'd wake up every day wondering: which story will they report this time? Did I block all their suspicious accounts? Why are these strangers I've never seen before laughing then deleting their weird replies to me?

It took me this long to stop feeling hopeless when I had to delete a blog post on AFF expressing my frustration. I posted the same one here as well, when someone reported my story for having smut when it didn't have smut. 5 days or so after I received that report, I had published a new smut-free story. That same day, of all days, a reporter came and reported my blog post. One where my readers were "bashing" the reporter. "We do not tolerate this behavior, reporters are doing their job." Yet I am held responsible for other people's actions? I simply said I might not update often because I was upset over it, yet when my supportive readers react more intense than me, I get the blame.

-Anyway, I learned not to say sh*t on that site coz it is crawling with people ready to report me for everything and nothing. Its very uncomfortable to be watched 24/7. That's exactly why I turned off my "online" green dot on Tumblr, because some people wait for me to Be Online before they come in with their trash talk :) months ago someone came into my Tumblr inbox in September like "for someone on break, you sure are clogging the tags with your shit posts" ??? BLOCK me? Or come off anon so I can do it for you, seriously, it takes 2 seconds.

Sorry this is so long, I've been holding this in for a long time and every time I get upset over it, I ask myself if I'm overreacting or too sensitive. I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago because someone reported my story on AFF for "violation of content guidelines" because:

hahaha. It's hard. The stress makes it impossible to write. I feel like a lot of my readers there hate me because I am inconsisitent with posting and I can't even tell them what is happening because I'll just be reported again. It's funny seeing writers with big followings throwing my name around in their public conversations with their friends. It's so nice to know how hated I am and a relief because I could disappear from the internet any day and never hear from them again. Because a hobby, a passion, causing so much stress is never worth all these sleepless nights.

I barely interact with anyone anymore because I feel like a failure. I can't even write fanfics and post often without hating every word I write. I always wonder how unreliable and selfish I must seem to other people, but those are all my problems. I wanted to spread happiness with my stories, and now, my stories are the ones sucking the joy out of me.

I'm trying my best, but I have to look after my health first, and all of this isn't helping.

Sorry for all of this (>.<) thank you for sending me this message, anon. I will finish my stories no matter how long it takes. My works are supposed to be happy vibes, not full of my personal pains. It's hard to write things when I don't feel them. Honestly that's how Six Phases came to be (>////<) good luck with your blog!!! Share your unique writer voice with the world 💕🌸✨ I wish you the best, love 💖

[rookieforlife]

CP plays or tugs on her ear when she thinks, doesn't she? I do the same thing and have done since I was a toddler. My daycare provider tried to tell my mom I had an ear infection and she was like "no, she's just weird 🤷🏾‍♀️". I've never seen anyone else do that!

Hahaha, yes, she does it all the time! I do it as well but I think my thing is to bit my lips frequently, that and I used to spin my nose ring (I don’t have it anymore), it was disgusting but I did it all the time without thinking haha.

[sammypompeius]

Thanks @letysssssss for tagging me! Sorry it took so long ^^

1. What's the funniest word you can think of (in any language)? Pterodáctilo ( pterodactyl in portuguese ) - don't ask why.

2. You get to hang out for a day with a person who's not alive anymore. Who do you choose and why? Honestly? I'm going through a list of famous dead people bc I can't think of anyone 🤷‍♀️ ... Leonardo da Vinci seems really cool!!! FUCKING FREDDIE MERCURY idk

3. Do you like your name? If not, which name would you like to have? It's pretty weird and I've had some weird conversations talking about it (letys if you wanna know about it message me hahaha) but I like it ^^

4. How would you solve the trolley problem? (Rough explaination if youre not familiar with that, ask google if you want more/better infos: there's a trolley on a railway track that is going to run over five people. You can pull a lever that will switch it on a track where there's only one person. What do you do?) UHHHH I every time I answer I change my mind, if I was living it I would probably run over the 5 bc I wouldn't have the strength to do it but rn I chose pulling the lever.

5. What's the most hideous piece of clothing you've ever seen? Sorry to disappoint but I can't think of anything really hideos I've ever actually seen.... there probably was something, but I can't think of it. BUT:

Yes, I googled ugly clothes and was not disappointed.

6. What would you say to your 13 yo self? "Man, you are really annoying Idk if you already started beating yourself over it. Don't overestimate your place in people's lives, doesn't mean you shouldn't appreciate those people but you aren't so naive to think who says they won't leave are telling the truth, I know you pretend you believe it but it's life kiddo. It ain't such a big deal you honestly have a perfect life so don't be a bitch and complain. Idk why we have such a hard time making connections and letting things go, and we have never been through nothing really bad why do we feel so fucked in the head? I figured we are just drama queens and that seems right hauwjbwiwhw question: you think about ******? idk when it started and I haven't figured it out, wish me luck"

7. If you could live somewhere else, where would you like to live? Some random small town in Canada.

8. What's your opinion on geese? I just think they're neat. They make me think of a place I used to go sometimes with my family so good stuff hahahahah

9. Do you think everyone deserves a second chance or are there lines that can't be crossed? I think everyone can try to amend for their mistakes, give themselves a second chance no matter how bad they fucked up or if amending means staying in prison (idk), but for other people to give who wronged them second chances is up to them.

10. What's your favourite book you read as a child? The seventh tour is the only book not being fairytales that I remenber reading as a kid and I loved it but I only ever got to book 4 I think (I don't remember at all actually)

The questions now! ^^

1. What's your toothbrush's colour?

2. If you had to choose one of your 5 senses wich one would you lose?

3. Is there any youtube video you could watch for 30 days straight without getting tired? If so link it.

4. Choose: travel to the top 5 places you want to see in the world or only to the top 10th of that list but with whomever ( no limit of quantitie of people ) you want .

5. If you could change something in your past would you?

6. Night or day? Why?

7. Use 3 GIFs or photos to explain how you've been feeling the last month.

8. What would you want for a gift at the moment? What would you have wanted 5 years ago?

9. Say something you did in the past that makes you cringe and something you're proud you did.

10. You can meet your 5 favorite fictional characters or 15 real people of your choice (dead or alive anything counts) what do you choose?

I tag the wonderful:

@celisart @my-mom-says-ive-got-talent @my-arttt @see-0-through @hotdiddlydean

If you don't want to do it please don't feel obligated to and if you want me to stop tagging you in this things let me know!!!