#hah... that's a pun right?

[game-boy-pocket]

I have witnessed the Super Mario Bros Movie.

No spoilers... I can't give an unbiased opinion here.

I fucking loved that movie. For video game movies, it blows Sonic out of the water. And if I can be honest, I think the canon they served up here is miles better than what we get in the games. At least as far as mainline games go. They take some liberties with one characters backstory, but what they did change makes sense to me... however it does make some certain other characters a bit of a challenge to squeeze into later movies if they decide to go that route.

The characters were all very good. I think Peach is a little too much of a firecracker. I don't mean she's too capable, that's not at all what I'm saying, in fact, they handle her role in the movie perfectly and back up an opinion i've always had about Peach that spits in the face of everyone who calls her useless for getting kidnapped all the time... I just think they made her a bit smug and firey when that's really more of Daisy's thing. Peach will kick koopa ass but she'll do it with her pinky out clutching her parasol with an "oh did I win?" remark.

Toad is great, willing to throw down for his friends, not the coward many people think he is...

Can I be honest, I didn't hate Chris Pratt's Mario, it wasn't amazing but it didn't drag down the movie...

Donkey Kong was a bit of a Jock type character, which just kind of feels right for him, I know the DK gourmets at DK Vine will disagree, but it's always kind of been the vibe I got from the character ever since his reintroduction to the world by Rare.

Cranky was not quite what I wanted Cranky to be, but it works more for the type of character he is. He is a King in this movie. He's not an old codger that gives advice and makes fun of DK and Diddy.

Spike.... had like 5 minutes of screen time, I don't know why they bothered announcing his voice actor at all, but I'm still glad he's here... he looks WAY different than I was expecting, but at least they didn't take inspiration from Wrecking Crew 98.

I can go on and on...

There was two post credits, the first one was just a silly ha-ha thing, but the second one has implications for the next movie they're planning, and it can mean one of two things. A certain character who doesn't feature in this movie is getting their own movie, or, a certain character who doesn't feature in this movie is going to be heavily featured in the next movie. It was honestly kind of disappointing, all I can say is most of the speculators were wrong... and I actually was right, but not in the way I expected to be. In fact, this movie just threw my prediction out the window with the backstory change they made.

One thing that did put a big frown on my face was the credits...

This is the one spoiler that twitter and Seth Rogan already spoiled, but the DK Rap showed up in the movie. They actually used a non-remix, so right from the N64 game... All the songs in the movie got their proper credits.... EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE. I actually saw Grant Kirkhope upset on twitter about this, so I thought they actually just forgot to put it in the credits at all, but no, it's there... "DK 64 - The DK Rap" ...and that's it, they don't mention Grant Kirkhope at all. That os fucked up, and I think we fans have a duty to let Illumination know... I was hoping Grant would provide music for a potential Donkey Kong movie, but now they may have burned a serious bridge here.

Anyway...

If you like Mario, especially if you're a long time fan, go see this movie. It's really good.

That said, it doesn't do anything revolutionary in the story telling, so if you don't like Mario that much, it will just be an okay family movie. I can safely say it blew Sonic 2 out of the water.

[aroaceleovaldez]

because in TKC most Eyes match the gender of the god they host (and just in general in-universe it seems most immortals and hosts in possession/possession-like scenarios are the same gender) this implies that the two outliers we know of - Zia (rejected hosting a goddess but was able to host a god instead) and Percy (Eye of Nekhbet) - may be trans. so uh happy pride to Zia and Percy specifically

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

i have not yet figured out the gun problem but i figure ill show everyone why i needed all those references-

BOOM. hollow knight skin

making ford into a bug so he can kill god. again.

[long-live-astronerd-ghost-king]

DPXDC prompt. Dead on main. Someone who knows you better than you know yourself.

Perhaps Fentons are not able to recognize their child, despite the fact that they hunt him day after day. But for childhood friends, who saw each other in absolutely ridiculous situations that parents are never allowed to know about, just one sneeze and a bored sigh is enough to realize that this weirdo fighting next to him is the same guy with whom you tasted soap and then stood looking at each other from different corners and giggling.

And so, the dialogue after the battle with the creatures of Infinite Realms, to which Constantine had to invite a potential ally not yet approved by the League:

Phantom: Well, mom always said you were bad news...But a crime lord, seriously? What happened to your plans to become a literature teacher? Red Hood: Hey! For Gotham, this is a very high-paying in-demand job. And I don't want to hear anything from Casper. At least I have my own business. What kind of part-time job do you have? Are you selling sheets to your buddies from this green goo? Phantom: This is ectoplasm. And they're not my friends, and anyway… Constantine: King Phantom, do you know Red Hood? Phantom: Do I know him? Ha! This street rat was Splinter of my beginnings until my family moved out of Gotham.

Red Hood: Wait, wait a minute. Phah...Holy shit. I thought I was the best example of what it means to be a disappointment to a family, but you beat me here. Oh, man, only you...The ghost king who is the son of the ghost hunters? Seriously? Hahah! I thought your rebellious phase ended the moment you told your father that you wanted to be an astronaut and not inherit the family business.

Danny*groans and covers his face with his hands*: My life is over.

Red Hood: Literally~ No, of course I always knew that your parents' disregard for safety in the laboratory would someday kill someone, but I didn't really expect this? Like, wow… Phantom: What makes you think it was an incident in the lab? I mean, there are so many possibilities around. It's ridiculous and…hah Red Hood: Dude, look me straight in the face and tell me I'm wrong if you dare. Phantom:…Fuck you, stupid bookworm. Red Hood: Stubborn nerd. Phantom: Red bucket! Red Hood: Pale toadstool! Nightwing: Um, can you guys please stop fighting? Red Hood: What are you talking about? This is how we always communicate. Phantom: Yeah! Well, in our defense, my sister always thought we both could use a therapist. Oh, man, he made me lose my train of thought. Where were we, J? Red Hood: Since when are you able to think? And I complimented your new hair and skin color. Phantom: Right, right… But, hey, not all of my parents' hypotheses really have a right to exist, and you know it! Hm, did I mention that you're built like a fridge and how does this leather jacket suit you? Red Hood: I believe not. And who's talking about your parents' work? You were an airhead when you were alive too to be honest. And as I see it, not much has changed. Why the hell are you still starting a fight with puns? Stop telling your opponent your position. This is terribly stupid! Phantom: Oh, please, these ghosts are definitely not a threat to me. What's wrong with having a little fun? The fact that you don't have weapons to handle something stronger than a blob ghost is your problem not mine, loser. But let's get back to our greetings. Red Hood: Sure. Then listen here…

~~~~~

Nightwing: Jay, why didn't you say right away that you knew Phantom? We've wasted so much time wondering if it's worth summoning him, and you just stood there and said nothing. Red Hood: Pfff…Because I didn't know that until today. He used to be human. And we haven't seen each other for a long time. So how was I to know that he would take such a ridiculous pseudonym? Nightwing: Then why the hell didn't you feel worried about teasing this creature? Red Hood: Why should I? It's just Danny.

~~~~

Tucker: Oh man, 84 murders, attempts to kill Joker and to much fights with Batman and Black Mask and… Danny: Yeah, yeah. It's all very interesting, but it's not what I asked you to find. Get to the point, Tucker. What I will wear to our dinner tonight depends on this. Tucker: Seriously? As far as I'm concerned, whether he's single or not is less important than all this shit. Aren't you afraid to show up at his house? Danny: I'm invited. And for that matter, I'm Amity Park's former public enemy number one. Which one of us should be worried, hah? So he's not dating anyone, right? Don't try to distract me. Tucker: Dude! Danny: Ugh, in my experience, when he acts like he's lost his mind, he usually has good reasons for it. And if not, given some of the events of my alternative future, I have no right to judge him, so…

[lactoseintolerentswag]

Rise Characterizations Pt. 2!!

In the first part I went over my character writing notes for Raph, so we're doing Leo next!!!

Leo Character Notes

Language Habits:

First the obvious, makes a lot of puns and one-liners. Think corny super hero movies

Does poke at New Jersey often in said one-liners

Mumbles/talks to himself out loud often

Starts a Lot of his sentences with, "Okay--"

Often will add on, "haha, you're hilarious", when he's trying to tease or antagonize someone

Similarly to Raph he will also verbalize his attacks/actions, "kick and punch"/"punch and kick", "land safely"/"and he sticks the landing"

Also will verbalize when he's trying to make a portal, "come on portal", "it's portal time", "portal power jitsu"

We all know "hachi machi"

Tendency to also make noises when fighting, "yah"/"wah!"/"hah!"

That little ohohoho laugh can signify as his battle cry/excitement, or his nervousness depending on context

Same case as the above with "hoh boy"

Will stutter on words to emphasize them, "l-l-l-l-lame!"

The first to jump onto an "I told you so" or "I was right"

Mixes Spanish into his sentences, most notably "bueno", "vamanos", "hermano(s)"

Messes up science terminology, "reprogramulating"

Says "indubitably" when he's up to something (which Raph recognizes)

Out of all the brothers, he does poke fun the most

Refers to himself as "Leon"

Refers to others (mostly strangers/acquaintances) as "bub"/"bud", or "chief"

Personality:

Dramatic, Leo will always play things up 110%. Sometimes this is to cover up his insecurities, to cheer up his brothers, or to annoy said brothers. Also plays into his extreme responses to stressful situations

The fun brother, aka mikey's advocate. He takes his role seriously as the face man, who keeps things fun and cool for his brothers. It's an easy role, and he gets to make his family laugh or roll their eyes. He's. Sillay

Perceptive, this is why he knows exactly what buttons to push, but he's not a great communicator when it comes to the bigger picture. This also plays into his manipulativeness that he uses to put chaos into his family (i.e. lair games), puppet villains (i.e. Big Mama) into his motives, and change the battlefield

A closet nerd, implied to remember more jupiter jim lore than the rest of his brothers and has a ready to go impression of the reptiles of planet reptilica

Competitive to a fault, he tends to get lost in the competition when it comes to his brothers. Part of his dramatism is showing off, and he's weak to being called or associated with the term "champion". Competition is a way he gauges his self worth

Has a strong desire for the inherent admiration and trust of his peers, more than outright praise (both are wanted) unlike Donnie. This damages his communication skills because he just expects his brothers to trust him while he puts on a persona of nonchalance as protection from failure

Defensive, of himself through being snippy or sarcastic, but also defensive of his brothers' own well-being. He may be the one to poke the most fun, but he's also the one to jump to his siblings' defense out of any of the brothers. Sort of an "only I can do so and so to blank" mindset

Martyr complex, prioritizes the safety of his family over his own safety

Gets attached to people he considers family Quickly, those he doesn't consider a part of his family he has little sympathy for but once that connection is there he's already ready to use his body as a shield

Freeze response, tends to freeze up in response to danger or stress. Often shown to curl into a ball or stand silently (as opposed to his constant chatter)

Miscellaneous:

The third to unlock his mystic powers

Nicknames: "baby blue" by splinter, "nardo" by donnie

Sweats an ungodly amount

Uses spit to annoy his brothers/enemies (licking an item to claim it as his, wet willies)

Can beat box

Always chooses left in mazes or when lost

Next up will be Donnie :>

[l3mtea]

If you want some story behind this comic, it’s just below this lil comic <3

Oh.

His quiet reverie shatters when pieces of odd moments he’s had with the fallen are forming together like a jigsaw puzzle fitting on each other perfectly.

His reckless actions to gain favor of the fallen’s emotion and attention, his unusual chattiness whenever a squabble with the king begins. Disagreeing and debating such nonsensical topics that he wouldn’t even dare to try and win over but becomes possible if it’s against the king.

Such mundane things became a thrill of joy whenever it was with the king.

The fallen has been slowly becoming a reason for his enjoyment, his everything that makes living in hell all the more fun.

He can never get over the expressions the king shows only at him, his fake smiles will always disappear when it comes to him.

It’s truly a joy.

And that brings him down to a revelation he wished he should’ve not known.

He likes Lucifer.

Terrifyingly, maybe even more so than he’d like to admit.

This revelation might change his view on Lucifer, in a lot of ways if he’s being honest.

But he throws this knowledge out of his mind. He’ll get over it someday. He’s sure of it.

Months went on and slowly, he realized he and the king had some similarities— or something they both have in agreement at least.

Lucifer likes his jokes. It was surprising, really. He simply remarked an off-handed pun towards his colleagues with expectations of none showing such enthusiasm on his jokes— except one did.

He hears the fallen snicker and laughs quietly. A sound he’d unexpectedly find lovely to his ears. A music that he can never get rid of even until today.

It became his purpose to make jokes and make the king laugh— and he didn’t regret doing so.

He tells a silly joke and the king laughs loud, his head falling back and smiling brightly at him, a golden blush spreading across his porcelain face.

It’s a beautiful sight.

“You’re not so bad for yourself, Alastor.” It was a first for the fallen to call his name properly. It’s a lovely ring he’d like to hear again.

“Likewise, sire.”

More months went on and— oh. How stupid he was.

He didn’t mean to utter such a silly thing— towards a being powerful than him no less.

“I like your dumb smile.” He didn’t mean to blurt out his thoughts loud for the king to hear. But he simply laughs at it.

“You do? Stop joking bambi.” A joke. He thought of it as a joke.

“Apologies, the mood was slowly going sour and I couldn’t help but jest a bit.”

“Oh shut up.”

‘Would you believe me if I say I like you?’

• • • •

“Lucifer.” He couldn’t help it. He can’t help but be a fool towards the fallen.

“Al? What is it?” He asks, now smiling at him. He wished for more out of this relationship he cultivated for years now.

“I’d like to confess something.” There was an odd trepidation gripping on his chest. He hates this feeling.

“Confess? Wow that’s a pretty deep word,” an awkward chuckle comes out of him, “whaddya want to say?”

“I like you, Lucifer.” A beat of silence.

“.. what?” He watches him back away slightly, an awkward laugh, “You’re joking, right?”

..

“I’m afraid not, sire.”

“Al, I— uh, I’m sorry. I don’t feel the same way.”

“.. I understand.”

“I’m sorry.” And he runs off.

..

Hah..

So this is a feeling that Vox felt when he rejected him?

Did he also think that he’d wish he died at the very moment when he realized that the friendship they’ve had for years were gone in a blink all for a stupid selfish act such as he is right now?

[sugoi-writes]

In Every Sense - Part 2 to Scent Kink!Alastor x Reader

It's heeeeerrreeee~ Here are some warnings: we get some internal monolgues of Alastor hopelessly trying to seduce you, oral (f!receiving), light man-handling, begging, and some really just... absolutely raunchy filth. Please enjoy~ (please note, this is still overwhelmingly inspired by @hazelfoureyes so please please GO READ HAZEL'S CONTENT. IM BEGGING YOU. ITS SO JUICY)

Right. Where was he? Oh yes... this mess.

Alastor straightened himself out quickly, mess of his clothing and floor included. Your clothes, however, were discarded to his bed... probably never to be washed again.

After he freshed up, his eyes scanned and paused in his armoire mid-search. His taloned hands brushed against a silk top... not one of his preferred fabrics, but one he could certainly pull off. His fingers danced on it a moment more, before deciding it was worth changing it up.

Black, lattice-patterned top and tailored, wine red trousers... simple, but classy, right? As he tossed around the idea of a belt, he decided to skip that step. It would make the process of settling between your sweat-covered thighs take an eternity too long. That is... if he didn't devour you first.

Alastor threw his casual fit together, opting to keep his pointed, black dress a part of the ensemble. But should he try boots...? Would that be too much? Maybe it would be easier to kick off...?

He wondered over to his personal liquor cabinet, pouring himself a whiskey. He needed to get a pep in his step and to still his rambling thoughts. Though he usually preferred to take things slower, savoring the bite of liquor on his tongue... He instead took it as a shot, hardly reacting to the harsh intake. His shoulders hunched, huffing as he turned to look in the mirror. How ridiculous he must've looked...

Hair disheveled... eyes half lidded. His hands were sweating, the loose blouse serving as a juxtaposition to his too-tight pants. Maybe his shirt should be tucked? No, that'd look stupid without a belt...

How strange it was for him to fret... at least, fret over impressing another person. Moreover, trying to impress someone he pined for. He almost loathed the way you made him feel, and how his core seemed to clench everytime you walked by... but, there was no room for doubt now: he would make you answer for his obsessions tonight. Surely you would take responsibility, wouldn't you...?

Alastor's head shook, before he opted to tuck half of his shirt in. He saw this often in modern fashion, targeting the front corner of the shirt to show off or bring attention to his thigh and... well-- downstairs.

He quirked a brow, intrigued with this look. It was... messy. Not the neat-and-narrow hes accustomed to. And in a way, he quite liked it. Maybe with the disheveled top, your eyes would be distracted enough to be drawn below the belt...?

Hah, what a pun. It doesn't work anymore if you don't have a belt, right?

Alastor chuckled, absolutely tickled by the thought. Alastor pulled out a wine-colored blazer, which perfectly complimented his pants. Can't be too prepared for the hellish night, right? He paused, walking over to your discarded top again for one final sniff; one final tease before the real thing. He shuddered at the thought, already feeling a light twitch coming from below. 

With a resolute nod, he walks out from his room, heading towards the lobby. Maybe you would be retired for the night? Maybe he could catch you before your evening shower... He sought you out, his nose steering the way as his thoughts swam with visions of you. He would have you tonight, he thought, his hands summoning and twirling his microphone with a prideful flourish.

--

You hadn't known how it got to this point. You hadn't known how much liquor both you and Alastor had drunk, round for round... but, Alastor's plan managed to work. He caught up with you, just before you were retiring for the night... and now, you did manage to head to bed... just the wrong one.

You yelped as you were slammed against his bedroom door, hands flying to grip the collar of his shirt. The passion of his kiss made you weak, his own knees buckled. Your sounds mirrored the other's, hips rolling in tandem as the heat between your bodies danced and mingled with one another. Alastor was already getting carried away, hands grabbing at everything he could touch... your cheek, your ass, your waist... He needed more. He needed you to be absolutely bothered and sweating.

Alastor pulled away, licking a long, wet trail from your collar bone to your ear. You trembled as ghost-like kisses were placed along your jaw, pleased sigh his reward. Your head tilted back and to the side, allowing better access to the longing demon.

"Ahh-- Alastor!"

His name fell from your lips, bruised and hanging agape as your breath came out in labored puffs. Alastor groaned, eyelids fluttering as he inhaled once more. A shaky sigh soon followed, making your thighs clench together. He licked at the sweat that ran down your neck, swirling his tongue before kissing there again.

More... he needed more of this.

No words were exchanged as his lips wandered lower, your clothing coming down and off with his lecherous journey. You could only cradle and grab at his hair, trying to slow or stop his descent when he would kiss a particularly gratifying area... but your eyes widened as his kisses lingered on your lower abdomen. Your eyes met his candy apple reds, swirling with lust and intrigue.

"Mon cher, I simply cannot bear to wait... I must have you." He couldn't contain his raspy sigh as he took your pants off, sliding them down your trembling legs. You'd be lucky to have these clothes back after this night...

Once you were bare before him, he kissed at your mound, the smell of your hormones and sweat making his brow furrow with desire. His eyes nearly rolled back into his skull as you moaned, nodding feverishly," I-I... I don't-- fuck, Al... Don't stop..."

Al looked firmly at you, mouth hanging open, but not coming closer. You huffed, trembling as your cheeks flush.

"... Pl-please... keep going... I want this."

Alastor smiled up at you, toothy grin absolutely drunk with adoration as he lowered his head. He spread your legs apart, arms moving to lift you. You were pushed up until you sat upon his shoulders, suspended a few inches off the ground. You were shaking at the realization of how powerful he was; how easily he was able to sustain you with just his shoulders. It was a strength that made your abdominals clench in anticipation.

The moment his tongue ran up your slit, you saw the light, eyes widening from the feeling of his warm muscle. Alastor grunted as he started to gently lap at your core. Finally: something that distracted him from how divinely you smelt...

Now he had a new muse (and problem) to keep him up at night... the taste of your arousal.

Like a man starved, he began to lavish you earnestly, hands trapping your thighs around his head. He showed you no mercy as his tongue alternated between stimulating your clit and delving into your relaxed hole. You convulsed with his minstrations, one hand stabilizing you against the door while the other gripped an antler for deer dear life. You soon found your hips rolling into his face, his nose brushing your clit with every thrust. Your head collided with the door as your moans transformed into animalistic whines and huffs, unable to control the ravenous sounds he tore from you. Alastor wasnt any more refined, hungry like a tramp in heat.

His expression shook and strained with pure bliss as he took you in whole: touch, sight, sounds, scent, and taste. This truly was the thing that he needed most; to seek you in your entirety. He knew now that he needed to own your body by ways of physical desire and passion... something he only became keenly aware of recently.

Now, even if your soul would so pretty under his grasp... this seemed to outweigh that desire. This was the ultimate way to both have you, and for you to tie a metaphorical leash around his neck. He hadn't fully realized it, but he was completely and utterly yours, and after this display, you'd surely have him the same way...

His dignity be damned. You were too sweet to resist.

You held his fringe out of his face as Alastor groaned with every flick of his tongue, vibrations sending your nerves into overdrive. His movements, his reactions, and his blatant obsession with your scent had you seeing stars. You ground your face harder into Alastor's obedient tongue, forcing his inhales to be rapid and short. Had he breathed any harder, one would speculate he was panicking. But ahh, what a way to die again, but by your thighs and eager cunt...

"Sh-Shit-- Alastor I'm-- fuck, y-you're too-- Hah!"

Alastor's cock twitched and strained, unable to be freed as your noises grew in tempo and pitch: you were nearing your climax.

Yes.

Yes, cum on him; cum on his face.

He wanted to see your mouth hang open in a silent wail, riddled with ecstacy. He wanted to feel your legs snap his neck from the force of your grip. He wanted to taste the arousal on his tongue as it multiplied. And most importantly... he wanted to be fully engulfed in your scent as your cunt rode his tongue... At this rate, he would be making another mess tonight.

He would never wash his shirt again, aware of the cum dripping down onto the collar of his dress shirt... a notion that nearly made him squirm. Maybe he could convince you to let him keep your outfit, as a token of tonight's debauchery?

He had no more time to think as your orgasm overcame you. Both hands held his antlers as your frantically ground into his mouth, practically suffocating him as you sprayed his jaw with your release. Alastor could only take it, choking and sputtering but absolutely living in the moment. His eyes were fully rolled back, schelaras devoured by a deep, pitch color.

When oversensitivity started to make you quiver, you pulled away, utterly satisfied. Your hands went to smooth out Alastor's scrunched-up hair as he panted. You gave it a playful ruffle, apologetic for your behavior. You smile breathlessly down to the overwhelmed demon, about to thank him... Then, a shrill scream is ripped from your throat. Alastor's seering, hot tongue is on your clit again, hands digging in to the plush of your thighs.

"Mmph... more-- Please, let me have more, cher... need it-- need you!"

You whined as Alastor's pleas fell unto eager ears, head lolling. Alastor's tongue began to awaken a new vigor in you. You were more than happy to please the starved man below you... Maybe next time, you'd tie him up in your clothes, leaving him unable to do anything but take your passion, in every sense of the word...

[archangeldyke-all]

reader who info dumps x sev who gets turned on by it?

OKAY

(i'm making reader infodump about bobs burger because it's my fave and i love it sm-- highly reccomend if u've never seen but no knowledge is necessary to read this lol)

men and minors dni

"ooh! i dunno how true this one is, but a lot of fan forums think that bob's bald spot is supposed to resemble a hamburger too!" you say, pointing at the tv with one hand while you snack on popcorn with the other.

sevika hasn't looked at the screen since you put on your show and started rambling about it-- she's been locked in on your smiling face, her affection growing for you by the second as you gush to her.

"babe, you're a total bob. silco's like... mr. fishodor. and ran's teddy!" you laugh.

sevika snorts. "sure, babe." she says. "'s that make you linda?" she asks, just 'cause she knows it's the right thing to ask to keep you talking.

you grin, kissing her cheek. "you're so corny!" you tease. and then, "i dunno, do you think i'm a linda? i always feel like i'm more of a tina-- quiet, weird, kinda freaky--"

"you are not quiet." sevika laughs. you giggle.

"i am! just not around you-- you don't count."

"whatever. jinx is totally louise."

"totally!" you jump a bit in your seat as you laugh, and sevika's heart skips a beat. she's suddenly overcome with the urge to bury her face in your cunt-- overwhelmed by affection and love for you and needing some kind of physical release for it. "hah! babe, look at the burger of the day boa--ah!" you squeal as sevika leans forward and starts kissing up your neck. "wh--whattya doin?" you squeak.

"keep watchin' your show, i'm listening." sevika mumbles, pulling at your pants.

you gulp. "u-uh. p-people t-think tina's gonna end up with jimmy jr. but i g-got my money on zeke." you mumble. "the writers h-have hinted at him crushin' on her-- sevika this cannot be doing it for you!" you laugh as sevika starts to kiss up your bare thighs.

"i got it bad for you baby. everything you do does it for me. 's fuckin' ridiculous." she grumbles, before kissing your clit. "c'mon, tell me more." she demands.

"i-i uh... there's a n-new pun on the v-van and store next door every episo-o-oh!" you gasp. "sev!"

she's got her tongue inside of you, giggling against your cunt as you shiver over her, her nose grinding against your clit with each thrust of her tongue.

"y'r s' fuckin' hot." sevika mutters.

you laugh, threading your fingers through her hair. "you're ridiculous." you giggle. it's the last thing either of you say for the rest of the night...

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@shimtarofstupidity @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @realgreeniebeanie @k3n-dyll

@sevsdollette

[basilpaste]

Bathroom Event: Odile + Siffrin

"Siffrin."

"Ah!" A beat. "Madame Odile!"

"… My apologies, I didn't mean to startle you." M'dame Odile hums.

Sif rushes through his assurances to her, "It's fine, don't worry. I just! Thought you left already."

"Right."

… Neither of them say anything for a long time.

"Are you… alright, Siffrin?" Odile asks, tentative, "I know I am not exactly the feelings guru here, but it's been a long day for all of us. A long... however many days, really. I suppose I just wanted to check in."

"I'm fine!"

"Mhm?"

You can hear the heel of Sif's shoe tap nervously against the ground, "Well, um. What about you? Are you okay?"

"Hm. I'm as alright as I can be when we're walking towards what may well be our deaths."

"It won't be." They tell her firmly.

"Hah! How confident."

"We'll win. We have to."

"It'd be nice if it was that easy. Like I said earlier: keep that spirit for everyone else. I don't need the reassurance. I'm content with the life I've lived, Siffrin."

They don't seem satisfied with that answer. It takes a long moment before he says anything at all to her.

You understand.

Nothing will happen to any of them! As long as you're here.

"… I want to make sure Bonnie gets home to their sister."

"Well. That's something to hold onto then, hm?" She pauses, "I'd like to see to it that Boniface makes it home safe, too."

"So. We have to win." He tells her.

"Right. And you're sure you're doing okay?"

"I am."

"Alright."

You hear the door to the bathroom swing open.

"And Siffrin?"

"Um! Yes?"

"… Don't die today. I'd like for us both to make it out of this mess."

"Only if you don't either." There's a smile in their voice.

M'dame Odile sighs, long and dramatic, "Fine. If you insist."

"Promise!" He shouts after her.

"Gems alive, Siffrin. Really?"

"I was pretty clear."

"Urgh."

"Crystal clear."

"URGH."

You hold a hand over your mouth to choke down a laugh. HAH. Crystal clear. Not quite a pun! But a solid riff.

"You're certainly not getting a promise now, Siffrin."

"Madame Odile!"

The sound of his heel on stone again. "... Please?"

"… Fine. I promise."

"Do you super promise?"

...

"Goodbye, Siffrin. Have fun in the bathroom."

You hear the door start to close and footsteps chasing after it. Soon followed by the soft thud of a body against it. It's not long before the door shuts properly and you're left alone.

You sit there in silence.

…

You leave the bathroom.

[yanderecookierunkingdom]

HEY, how would the beasts react to reader cookie being a pun master, no matter the environment🥁

🧼-

Shadow Milk Cookie would be doing puns right back with you. Doesn't matter what's happening, you two are making puns left and right!

Eternal Sugar Cookie can't help but giggle at all the puns you do, especially if they're at the expense of others. She encourages you to do more.

Mystic Flour Cookie would have an exasperated look, but she does secretly enjoy your puns. They're a highlight of her day.

Burning Spice Cookie always laughs pretty loudly at your puns. He can't help it. You always say them at the most opportune times!

Silent Salt Cookie usually gives silent (hah) or even quiet chuckles whenever you do your puns. Nothing more, but he finds them pretty funny.

[smolcinnamonchipmunk]

Kidnapping Mishap

(It is very late as I’m posting this, so apologies for any spelling or continuity mistakes.I don’t really have additional comments to go with this one, lmao. Hope y’all enjoy the read.)

Word count: 13671

TW/CW: Accidental, soft, safe M/nb G/t  vore; implied fear of digestion, worry of death, mention/brief description of vomiting

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Nova, March, be ready to make an escape,” Dan Heng advised, making me glance over towards him. His eyes were a bit narrowed in thought, even as he kept his gaze towards March.

“Huh? Really?” March asked, sounding a bit surprised and kind of disappointed as she looked back toward Dan Heng. “I just wanted to say something…”

“You sounded pretty convincing,” I told March, thinking of the sealed off alleyway myself. Given our meager options, it sounded pretty much like our best option to get away from being arrested. 

“Three of a kind,” Dan Heng murmured to my left, catching me off guard from our situation of, well, being surrounded by guards.

“Huh?” I blinked in confusion, looking over at him at the quiet statement. Didn't he just say to get ready for an escape and now he's saying fucking card terms?! My fingers itched to manifest my bat in trigger-happy self-defense and it was taking all of my focus just to not be too twitchy and start a fight prematurely.

“Shhh,” March shushed me, only adding to my confusion. “It's an old Astral Express escape signal. Do you play cards?”

“I don't think I need to play cards to be told that there's a fucking escape signal,” I hissed back quietly as Dan Heng murmured “Two pair.” in the background. So it was some sort of countdown. “I feel like that should be shared BEFORE getting in an escape situation! Maybe a pre-mission brief with the newcomer next time!”

“Hey,” one of the guards snapped, taking a step forward. “What are you whispering? Let’s get going!”

“Ace!” Dan Heng shouted loudly, enough that there was no mistaking it as anything other than the word to act on.

Like a trigger pistol being shot, my body reacted instinctively to the exclamation, fingers twitching open as I manifested my baseball bat to close around the grip. I swung behind me and whacked one of the soldiers across the cheek, knocking them to the ground and causing the others nearby to recoil away. I heard a noise behind me and turned around to see Dan Heng knocking almost everyone else within arms reach down by swinging his staff at their legs.

“Nice,” I said, following after March as she led the retreat down the street. I heard more footsteps behind us and glanced back to see Dan Heng. And the guards were raising their guns to aim towards us. 

Yeah, I think guns definitely won in the whole weapons Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Thankfully, I could just barely see the glimmer of something crystalline growing on their guns in the distance, feeling relief flood through me as March called back behind us, “Have an ice day!”

Looking forward with a slightly deadpan expression at March’s back from the pun, I followed as she ran through the Fragmentum portal, grimacing at the weird feeling of charging inside right behind her. An almost nauseous feeling sat at the pit of my stomach, but spacial travel was something I was starting to get used to with the Space Anchors that the Nameless have put around in a bunch of places to make some travel easier. 

Thankfully, despite the still present fear of just being torn apart by the molecules, we ended up safely on the other side in an abandoned alleyway. An alleyway in the Fragmentum, but I’d take what I could get given the current circumstances of running from the planet’s law.

“Hah! See, they weren’t brave enough to follow us! Freedom,” March exclaimed triumphantly, looking back at Dan Heng and I with her hands on her hips and a wide smile on her face. “Serves them right! Better luck next time, slowpokes!”

“I feel like we got lucky,” I said, shuddering to get rid of the lingering feeling of spacial travel. There was a lingering tingle at my fingertips that had me opening and closing my hands a bit.

“Well, you can get good at getting lucky,” March replied nonchalantly, looking proud of herself.

“We caught them by surprise, nothing more,” Dan Heng retorted bluntly, dissipating his spear and crossing his arms over his chest. “They’ll be in pursuit soon enough. We need to guarantee our own safety before making any further plans.”

I nodded in acknowledgement as March said “Right.” and turned to walk further into the alleyway. I trailed just behind Dan Heng and March, more or less along for the ride and just needing to trust that they knew kind of what they were doing. Well, Dan Heng mostly. I felt like March was just laissez faire and somehow squeaking by. Which was fine by me, as long as we got out of this scenario.

“So what do you guys think happened back there,” March asked as we walked, likely to pass the time. I was fine with that considering I was already starting to feel antsy without any conversation. She glanced between Dan Heng and I. “Why did the supreme guardian send people to arrest us?”

“I don’t really think that we can guess based on our single interaction with her,” I replied, absentmindedly twirling the baseball bat clumsily in my hands. I yelped as I almost dropped it, a tiny pulse going through me as I instinctively dispelled the bat before it could hit the ground and re-materialized it back in my hands. I knew I should be more conservative with my energy, but the move had been automatic. “Maybe she felt threatened by outsiders just showing up.”

“Yeah, but imagine launching a surprise attack when your enemy is fast asleep.” March sounded irritated at the supreme guardian’s change in demeanor, huffing, “The cheek!”

“That woman had a troubling aura…” Dan Heng mused, thinking about something. Per usual, it was hard for me to even try to decipher what he was potentially thinking when I tried to glance over at his stoic expression. “Our instincts were correct.”

“Speak for yourself,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck as I stretched a bit. “I was more focused on the weird feeling of deja vu I was getting.”

It was true. Ever since coming here there’s just been a few instances of very vivid deja vu that have left me lightheaded and almost nauseous, particularly in regards to Cocolia. Something about her made me feel like I knew everything and nothing about her.

“Wait!” March hissed under her breath, surprising me as she swung her arm out to stop me from moving forward. Out of curiosity I glanced in the direction that she was focused on, seeing familiar attire down the path to the left fork of the intersection we reached, through the bars of a semi-open gate. “There are Silvermane Guards here. Careful not to alert them!”

“They must have entered from another direction to cut us off.” I could feel Dan Heng lean a bit over me to get a better look down the alley. Thankfully he didn’t linger long, pulling away and adding, “We should avoid an open conflict. Let's find another path.”

“I mean, there’s only the gate on the other side,” I gestured to the other fork as I walked towards it. There was a gate that was supposedly blocking the way through, but it didn’t make sense for monsters to lock gates. Fragmentum creatures probably didn’t really care about privacy. “May as well see if it’s open.”

Unfortunately, it made me feel a little dumb in front of the others when I tried to open it and found that it was, indeed, locked. I was trying not to be loud about shaking the metal to try and avoid alerting the guards nearby but I was easily growing frustrated after a few unsuccessful seconds.

“Doesn't seem like there's any way to open this gate…” March said quietly, looking over the length of the gate.

“You think?” I hissed back, wincing when I shook the gate too much and it rattled a little louder than I meant it to. Freezing, I waited a couple seconds before messing with it more to make sure the Silvermane Guards hadn’t heard, not hearing any voices or footsteps from the other side of the intersection.

March was unperturbed by my irritated reply, finding particular interest in a nearby object in front of the gate. After a second of staring at it her eyes lit up with recognition, touching my elbow to make sure she had my attention and pointing at it. “Ooh, check this mechanism out. Look familiar?”

Pulling away from the gate I let myself be led to the front of the object and tilted my head while looking at it. 

Gears clicked in my head as Dan Heng quietly spoke up. “Yes, we saw one in Serval's workshop. We need to solve it before we run out of time. The Guards are right on our heels.”

“I think I remember how to work these,” I said, looking at the switch. I felt around for the latch to get inside to the wiring, humming in thought for a couple seconds. Reaching in, I started twisting gears and circuits. It took me a couple tries but the switch’s light quickly turned off with an audible clunk coming from the gate as it opened. Pleased with myself since it had more or less been trial and error, I pulled away from the switch. “There we go!”

“Let’s go then.” Dan Heng said, not hesitating to lead the way through the now opened gate. March and I didn’t hesitate to follow along.

There were a few Fragmentum monsters littered around the alleyways as we traversed deeper, most we tried to avoid fighting so that the Silvermane Guards wouldn’t hear our exact location. When it came to trying to open other gates, however, the monsters were too close to not get their attention to reach the switches in question and we had to attack them. Dan Heng managed to take out the monster at the first gate quietly, but March and I struggled to ambush the one by the second gate.

“Shut the fuck up,” I hissed to the Fragmentum monster as I cracked it across the skull when it let out a startled screech, causing it to shatter and the rest of the body crumpled to the ground. I huffed a bit in irritation and rubbed the back of my neck nervously, walking over to the switch and messing with its circuitry as well. “Ugh, hope the guards didn’t hear that.”

“Even if they did, we’ve passed by so many monsters that they’ll have a hard time reaching us at this point,” March lowered her bow to her side with a smile. Ever the optimist. Still, it helped me not focus on the negatives.

“Fair point.”

I followed after the other two through more of the cobblestone labyrinth as we continued to search for an exit from the Fragmentum, eventually spotting it up ahead after turning around another bend towards what looked like a courtyard.

“There!” Dan Heng said, and all of us kicked up into a sprint now that we were so close to the exit. We were only halfway to the Fragmentum portal when he suddenly shouted, “Look out!”

My heels dug into the ground automatically, able to hear March and Dan Heng’s footsteps also skid beside me. Several gunshots rang out, striking the ground in front of us to kick up sparks and slight debris. I looked up with a scowl to see Silvermane Guards lining the walls on either side of us with their rifles at the ready.

“She really caught up with us…” March said, all of us looking towards the Fragmentum exit as more guards ran in from either side to block our path to it. “Even had time to set up an ambush…”

“Hmph, you dare underestimate me?” Bronya’s voice came from behind us and I looked back to see her approach with several other guards. She somehow straightened even more than she already had been, chest puffing out a little proudly as she declared, “Even though it has suffered Fragmentum corrosion, this is still part of Belobog. It was our home. The Guards know this place like the back of their hand. Enough cat and mouse. Drop your weapons and come with me.”

“Ugh, you're such a nuisance.” March put her free hand on her hip, demanding, “Just what crime are we supposed to have committed again? It better be worth you following us all the way out here!”

“My orders are to arrest you,” Bronya replied, looking at us with disdain. “It is for the adjudication panel to present you with the nature and penalty of your alleged crimes.”

“That didn’t answer the question,” I snapped. When she looked from March to me I couldn’t help but tighten my grip on the bat in my hands, daring her to do something. 

“You saw us yesterday, do you remember?” Dan Heng asked, tone far more level than mine or March’s as he tried to deescalate the situation while March and I kind of were making it worse. “Madam Cocolia received us as honored guests. How can such a drastic change have occurred in the course of one night?”

Bronya’s stoic and proud expression faltered for a moment, enough to make me think that maybe we could actually talk this out. But, her eyes regained a steel of resolve, firmly replying, “...The Madam Guardian investigated your backgrounds. She summoned me last night to tell me that you had deceived her. Your identities and purpose here are counterfeit. You seek to overthrow the rule of the Architects.”

“Ah!” March stomped her foot angrily on the cobblestone beneath our feet, something that actually surprised me as I looked over to her. This was probably the most pissed off I’d seen her so far. “What a two-faced hag!”

“Publicly insulting the supreme guardian only elevates the seriousness of your crimes,” Bronya declared, pointing towards us. “Throw down your arms and surrender!”

“Are you fucking serious?” I asked in regards to just insulting the supreme guardian being considered serious. I wondered how much trouble I’d be in if I tried to smack her in the teeth then.

“We're wasting our words,” Dan Heng said seriously. His gaze looked at March and I, the gray intense with his own resolve. “At least one thing is clear: We mustn't be caught.”

I wasn’t sure what would happen if we did end up getting caught, but Dan Heng was a hell of a lot more observant and smarter than I was. It didn’t take a genius to guess that Cocolia didn’t have good intentions but I nodded back at him in acknowledgement, tightening my grip on the baseball bat.

“Well, if there's no escape, then maybe it's time we gave them a taste of Astral Express medicine!” March exclaimed, raising her bow and firing a shot off towards one of the guards on the wall. The guard was knocked down and, as the rest began to raise their rifles, ice began to crystalize on the barrels once more.

This allowed Dan Heng and I the ability to start knocking down the nearest guards that surrounded us while March started picking off the ones from the wall, not needing to worry about getting picked off ourselves with rifle bullets.

Once the ones on the wall were dispatched or had retreated out of view, I noticed frosted arrows flying around eye level to strike some of the guards on the ground with us. One struck a guard running towards her and I looked away as crystalline ice began to form on his armor to turn to my next target.

I ended up only knocking down one other guard before I heard Dan Heng shout behind me, “Duck!”

I whirled around on instinct of course, unsure if he was talking to me or March, seeing him absolutely beam a soldier with his staff and send them flying towards Bronya. Unfortunately, the soldier was only a couple inches from hopefully knocking her down. 

“Lady Bronya,” the soldier grunted after he was saved from smacking the back of his helmet on the ground by one of her gloved hands catching his arm. Bronya waved her hand at him dismissively, something that made me tense slightly as he started to back away.

“Uh, guys?” I called out to the others to catch their attention as Bronya started to reach for her sheathed gun, eyes widening at seeing the double-bladed end of the bayonet.

“I’ll handle these evildoers myself!” Bronya shouted, firing off a shot towards March before I could react. 

The bullet pinged off of the metal of Dan Heng’s spear as he lunged into the fray, filling me with relief. The way his eyes narrowed at Bronya made it very obvious that he was now pissed off, having no difficulty reading his expression like I usually did. He rushed forward towards her and swerved around a bullet that was fired off in his direction.

I quickly darted forward myself, narrowly avoiding an axe to the face as something within me sensed an incoming attack. I whirled around to see another Silvermane Guard just behind me, throwing up my bat to block another attempt to cleave at me.

“She said she can handle us herself.” I snarled at the guard, struggling to keep his weight from letting the axe follow through. I wasn’t very strong, hence why I tried to just run in and out of combat. “And aren’t we supposed to be taken in alive?”

“Resisting arrest for treasonous crimes is an offense punishable by death,” the guard snapped back, my arms shaking as he continued pressing down on the baseball bat. 

I grit my teeth in exertion, glancing over to where the others were fighting. Dan Heng continued his assault on Bronya, his speartip meeting her bayonet blade more than once as the two fought. Thankfully, I saw some ice blocking the rifle barrel but March was dealing with a few Silvermane Guards of her own. She was more used to ranged attacks, struggling to stay far enough away from the guards chasing her to retaliate properly.

Glancing back to the guard I was dealing with, my mind raced as I looked for ways out of being chopped up. As soon as a thought popped into my head, I acted on it. 

I stopped resisting and dropped to the ground in a dead weight, hearing the clatter of metal on stone as I rolled to the side and pulled my bat with me. I huffed a bit, arms burning as I looked back at the guard. The blade of his axe was embedded in the stone, feeling a bit appalled at seeing the guard struggle to pull it back out from the stone and reaching up at feeling something slide down my cheek. 

My fingers pulled away with red and gold. 

“You motherfucker,” I said, jumping to my feet and narrowing my eyes at him. I rushed forward and felt energy expand from my fingers into the bat, swinging at him as hard as I could. He looked up at me right in time for an explosive clock along the jaw, cracking the mask on his face and sending him flying away from the stuck axe into the wall behind him with the sound of breaking stone. It created a crater on the walls surface and the guard fell to the ground with a groan.

The nearest Silverman Guard, who had seemed to be watching the interaction, quickly raised his hands placatively as my eyes narrowed on him. I debated hitting him as well when I heard Bronya shout behind me, glancing back at hearing her.

“I said I’ll handle them myself,” she stated angrily, using the barrel of her rifle to stop Dan Heng’s spear. She threw her arm to the side, Dan Heng dodging bayonet blades and pausing as she turned to address the remaining guards in the courtyard. The two trying to corner March she pinned beneath an authoritative glare as she demanded, “Fall back! Commander’s orders!”

There was a hesitance among the remaining guards as they glanced at each other and Bronya, but it only took an angry and stern ‘Now.” from their commander for them to reluctantly back off from their fighting stances. The ones by March backed away to the nearest wall, as did the others that were still standing.

“Now,” the commander said, directing her attention to us. Her gaze was cold and calculative, holding nothing but contempt as she looked around the courtyard between all of us. “I appreciate the honorable spirit of letting me address my troops without interruption. However, this changes nothing for your crimes. I’m allowing one last chance for you all to lay down your arms and come with me willingly.”

“Oh, fuck OFF,” I snapped before I could stop myself. Her gaze looked towards me in disapproval but I felt too much irritation to quail under her glare. “Why the hell would we give up now?”

“Yeah,” March added on, nocking another arrow to her bow as she pointed it towards Bronya. “This whole thing stinks of unfair treatment!”

There was a couple seconds of silence in reply as Bronya looked towards Dan Heng. I couldn’t see his expression from here but I saw the way his grip shifted on his staff. It was enough of a response for the commander, it seemed.

“Very well,” she stated, using one of her gloved hands to rack the rifle. The ice coating the barrel had weakened enough to crumble off as she did so, allowing her maybe a shot or two before it’d be able to be refrozen as she aimed towards Dan Heng. “I’ll just have to continue using force.”

The shot went off and struck the ground behind Dan Heng as he darted out of the way, charging forward to start sparring with her again. I rushed forward myself, conducting more energy through my bat as well. A frosty arrow whizzed by me and was cut from the air by Bronya as she twirled her bayonet.

She struck the end of the barrel against the ground once, raining more ice shards off of the metal like dandruff before raising the bayonet to block my bat. I was thrown off with a jerk from her arm, Dan Heng needing to roll to avoid the almost point blank shot to the face. Even if these were nonfatal rounds, there was no telling if she knew he’d be able to have dodged it.

With another strike of her barrel to the ground, she raised her sights and fired at March, forcing the other woman to move.

I blinked in the realization that she was thwarting March’s attempts to block her rifle by slamming off the ice before it could get thick enough to do anything, and that had to be a strong metal if there wasn’t even a dent caused by the action. 

There was no time to relay the information however as she set her sights to me, making me dodge a bullet myself. It seemed Dan Heng noticed at least, running forward to try and intercept the end of her bayonet before she could strike the ground again, successfully grabbing her attention when she was forced to block a strike of his spear to her chest. 

The battle dragged on as Dan Heng tried to keep her attention on him long enough to either allow the ice coating to be thick enough that she was forced to only use the bayonet blades or allow March and I the opportunity to get our own strikes in. Everytime I thought we could get a hit in on her, however, she was able to slip her rifle from focusing on Dan Heng to either cutting frosted arrows or blocking baseball bat hits that I put enough energy into that I ended up being the one flung to the side instead of her.

Eventually all three of us ended up beside each other as Bronya metaphorically looked down on us.

I winced a bit and reached up absentmindedly to my chest at an odd feeling, trying to ignore it given our situation. I just had to last until the end of the fight. The question was which side would be on top, but with the fact that we were struggling to catch our breath while Bronya stood tall in front of us made the chances of escaping feel very slim.

“This girl's pretty strong,” March panted as she backed up beside me and lowered her bow tiredly, looking over towards Dan Heng on my left side. “Hey Dan Heng, maybe now's a good time to show off your secret strength!?” 

“...You first.”

“Ugh, you're no fun.” March groaned tiredly, readjusting her grip on her bow.

“Intruders, give it up!” Bronya shouted in front of us, putting the butt of her rifle on the ground as she addressed us. “You will be guaranteed a fair trial.”

If there was anything that I could gather from their justice system with our meager interactions we’d had with it, I think I could guarantee that it definitely wouldn't be a fair trial. Especially not after we’ve been evading arrest and fighting back this hard. My mind raced as I tried to think of a way out of this, knowing that the others were probably doing the same.

“Ooh! Sorry,” a familiar voice called out from the wall on our left, coyly adding, “I don’t mean to ruin the intensity of the moment.”

A series of clatters diverted my attention from looking up towards the voice, glancing down to our left as three objects rolled closer. I gasped and stiffened when I realized they were bombs, barely even able to take a step back before each suddenly releasing a thick smoke. 

“What is this?” I heard Bronya in front of us, but the smoke was so thick that both Dan Heng and March looked hazy despite being right beside me.

“The fuck?” I covered my mouth with my free hand, trying to avoid inhaling too much smoke but it was impossible to take a breath without it. 

I struggled to not cough, hearing March’s own coughing on my left as she wheezed, “I can’t breathe…”

Finally the smoke irritated my lungs enough to cause me to cough loudly, eyes watering. I heard footsteps nearby, instinctively looking towards them as I felt entirely on edge. I tightened the grip on my bat even though I started feeling lightheaded, wondering what would happen if I reverted to my normal in front of an enemy.

“I have one thing to say,” Sampo’s voice came from the approaching figure, flicking his hair with his right hand as my vision started to unfocus. “Sampo never lets friends who've helped him come to harm.”

I struggled to stay upright and keep my eyes open, scowling at the smug man when he stopped in front of us, clapping his gloved hands together eagerly. My body betrayed me despite the adrenaline running through my system, eyes becoming too heavy to keep open and limbs refusing to work right, causing me to collapse near his feet. 

“I say what I mean, and I mean what I say,” the man’s voice was the last thing I registered before everything completely faded.

—-----------------------------

Sampo Koski was a man of his word, even if keeping that word meant essentially stalking his new ‘friends’ as they ended up hunted by the Silvermane Guards. Still, even if it was technically illegal, surely they wouldn't hold anything against him after swooping in and saving them at the just oh so opportune moment. He could clock friends in high places from a mile away, and these three were not only the most interesting thing to happen to the Overworlders in a long time, he had a feeling that whatever this Astral Express was would be better if he kept on their good side.

And, if he just so happened to bring the Supreme Guardian of Belobog in the process, well, how was he supposed to know? A smoke screen large enough to knock out an entire crowd of people long enough to relocate a few to the Underworld was a very disorienting thing to maneuver through.

He just had to wait near the stage for the perfect cue.

Sampo had to hand it to the newcomers though. They were able to put on one hell of a show while holding their own against the Silvermane Guards AND Commander Bronya! He gave them a round of mental applause from his position atop of one of the abandoned buildings next to the courtyard the fight was going on in, he wasn’t expecting them to make a dent towards her.

But, even though the newcomers were visibly more exhausted than the Silvermane commander he still noticed that she was also starting to get a touch sluggish.

“Well, best not keep them waiting, hehe,” Sampo chuckled to himself as the newcomers backed off from the commander to try and collect themselves again. He stood up and hopped down to the wall where the Silvermane Guards had been positioned for the ambush, calling out, “Ooh! Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt the intensity of the moment.”

He pulled out a few smoke bombs and lightly tossed them between Commander Bronya and the newcomers, watching all of them startle at the sight of the bombs before quickly becoming obscured by the thick smoke that released.

Sampo jumped down from the wall lightly and walked into the smokescreen, able to breathe in the cloud of smoke like it was normal air while four sets of coughing led him to the group through the dark gray. After all, it’d make no sense if he was susceptible to his own tools, he’d spent a while building up his immunity for escape situations.

“I have one thing to say: Sampo never lets friends who've helped him come to harm,” he declared, walking up to the newcomers as he flicked his hair from his eyes to get a better look at them. 

None of them could really do anything as the smoke started to bring them to their knees, but he could tell by the smoke-irritated glares that none of them would have had any hesitation in hitting him if they were able. Especially the guy with the staff. Yeesh, the glare that was being given was mean. Casually directing his attention to the shortest newcomer to try and ignore the metaphorical daggers on his right, he clapped his hands together and added, “I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.” 

He watched as they collapsed one by one and wasn’t even sure if the others registered what he said as they were knocked out, but it was a hell of a line to go out on if they did. Very good theatrical timing if he said so himself.

“Now,” Sampo pulled out a few small devices from one of the hidden compartments on the inside of his jacket, tossing them slightly in the air. With quick fingers he pinched one between his two pointer fingers while the rest were held securely against his palm. “Let’s get this ‘special delivery’ down to the Underworld.”

He threw the single device onto the ground like a child’s Bang Snap. Instead of letting out a loud crack, however, it exploded and crackled a wobbly portal into existence. Not too dissimilar from the ones created by the Fragmentum spread.

In fact, the whole thing was based on and even used samples taken from the Fragmentum warps. But, this technology was very early in the development and it took Sampo a long time to try and steal as many as he could from the Architects while the devices were developed. After all, he couldn’t just swipe ALL of the prototypes. That would have had the Silvermane Guards on high alert months ago. 

“Alright, let’s start with you, big guy,” Sampo slipped the other devices back in their pocket, turned to Dan Heng and crouched beside him and his spear as the smoke began to thin. The other guy was shorter than he was himself but it was still awkward trying to gather both human and spear in his hold, straightening up and walking up to the pseudo-Fragmentum portal. “And let’s hope I set this up right.”

He braced himself before walking through the portal, grimacing a little at the feeling of Fragmentum almost prodding him in a way as he stepped through. From frosty cobblestone to a warmer alleyway with the Underworld being closer to volcanic activity, he’d almost jump for joy if he didn’t have an entire person in his arms. Looking back he saw the prototype receiver he set up down in this specifically abandoned alleyway ticking away in the corner as it held the portal open on this side.

“And THAT’S why you don’t doubt Sampo Koski,” he said proudly to himself, even though a part of him had also questioned whether or not it would have worked. He didn’t exactly test any of this, he hadn’t had enough prototypes to feel comfortable wasting any.

With a light bounce in his step, Sampo nimbly maneuvered around the scrap and trash piled up in the abandoned alleyway, needing to duck beneath a rickety palette to emerge in the main street. It was blissfully bare of any bystanders, but that wasn’t due to any luck. He caught the eye of a little blonde with a comparatively large fur hat and coat that was perched on a stack of abandoned boxes, shifting his hold to throw her three fingers.

‘Three more ‘shipments’.’

Hook grinned with one of the Overworld lollipops he’d used to bribe her and threw him a thumbs up in acknowledgement, looking over down one of the side streets.

Sampo didn’t waste any time making his way towards the medical clinic discreetly. Well, as discreetly as one can with someone in his arms. Thankfully, most people down here were more worried about their own survival to be concerned about him going to the clinic with an unconscious person. This wasn’t the first time good ol’ easy-going, kind-hearted Sampo had helped someone in their time of need by taking them to Natasha.

He walked into the rickety building and made his way to the infirmary, asking one of the few volunteers, “Is Natasha in?”

“No,” the older gentleman shook his head, peering at the man in his arms. “She had to attend a house-call on the other side of town. Is it urgent?”

“No, no, I don’t think so,” Sampo said dismissively. He’d wave his hand dismissively as well if they weren’t both preoccupied still. “Just a couple newcomers that got into a scuffle nearby. I deescalated the situation myself, but just wanted to see if they could get checked on before anything else happened.”

“Uh huh,” the older man made an unconvinced noise. But, he was one of the longer standing volunteers who was used to Sampo and Natasha. Matt was his name. Gesturing to the rest of the room he said, “Find some empty beds. I’ll let Ms. Natasha know they’re here when she gets back.”

“Thank you very much,” Sampo kicked up his charming smile as he walked over to one of the empty beds and carefully placed Dan Heng down. The spear he leaned against the wall beside it and, with a flourish, he closed the privacy curtain around the bed and told the volunteer. “I’ll be back with about three more.”

The older man grumbled in acknowledgement and Sampo was out of the clinic and back by the receiver device in a flash. The portal was, unfortunately, already dissipated. Each warp device only had enough juice to stay open for about five minutes, but that’s why he had multiple. Now, his biggest concern was that the receiver wouldn’t be able to recreate the last portal's trajectory. 

Only one way to find out though.

Sampo pulled out another warp device and slipped it into a cartridge holder on the receiver's side, flicking the switch that was meant to essentially send a reverse portal to the last location. The thing whirred and ticked to life, a flash of light expanding from the prongs that had held the last portal open to create a new one. He hesitated only a moment before walking through, finding himself back in the courtyard where the other three were still lying unconscious on the cobblestone.

“I’ve got to hand it to those Architects,” he mused in pleasant surprise, deciding to grab the pastel newcomer next. She was a little easier because he could just slip the bow over his own shoulder before picking her up. “This makes it WAY easier to move things around.”

He was able to take March to the clinic without any issues and came back to retrieve the Silvermane Commander. Each time the older volunteer just side-eyed Sampo as he placed each ‘newcomer’ in their own respective bed and pulled the privacy curtain closed around them. Entirely for privacy and definitely not because Commander Bronya was still in Silverman attire and would be singled out for being an Overworld guard.

“Keep it up,” Sampo gave Hook a mini-salute as he walked back to the alley. “Just one more.”

“Don’t forget the second half of our deal,” she called after him chipperly.

“I won’t!” Sampo called back and managed to make it back to the receiver before the third portal charge depleted, stepping through to return to the cold cobblestone. He walked over to the last newcomer and crouched beside them. “And then there was one, ey, Trailblazer?”

Of course, they didn’t respond as he started to scoop them up in his arms like the others. At least he didn’t have to worry about their bat.

He almost recoiled in surprise when there was a sudden crackling sound from the inside pocket of his jacket like an electrical hiss. Concerned for his gadgets and tricks, he pulled his arms from beneath Nova as he dug his hand into the pocket that held the Fragmentum devices. What he pulled out were the capsules with thin golden arcs like electricity where the intricate seams had come apart.

“What the-?” Sampo blinked in surprise, getting to his feet. There was a noise behind him and he looked to see the active portal enfold on itself as it disappeared.

Plucking a single capsule from the bunch in his hands he threw it on the ground like he had been, but this time there was no expanding into a portal that led back down to the Underworld. There was NO portal. At all. Instead there was just the sound of metal hitting the cobblestones with a pathetic flash of Fragmentum that flickered to life before completely dying. Confused, he tossed another on the ground with the same results. Then another, and another. 

“What?” he exclaimed, looking down at the remaining couple he had in his palm, other hand against his head in confusion. “ What happened?! They were just working!”

His mind struggled to both figure out what could have happened to cause the Fragmentum capsules to malfunction suddenly and how to continue forward. He supposed he’d just have to take the Trailblazer down to the Underworld on foot, but that was a much longer timeframe than he had been hoping for.

Sampo was hoping to be back at the clinic before Natasha came back so he could try to explain himself before she saw the newcomers - and the Silvermane Commander - but now he was definitely going to show up after she got back. Hell, the others and the Trailblazer at his feet would probably wake up before they fully got down to the Underworld and he didn’t really want to experience their bat first hand. 

Still, he couldn’t just leave them on their own in the Fragmentum or put them back in Belobog because they were still wanted like the others.

“Oh boy,” he murmured to himself, turning to look down at the still unconscious newcomer and slipping the still broken capsules back into their pocket. “The things I do out of the kindness of my heart…

“I suppose I spoke too soon about giving the Architects credit,” Sampo told Nova as he knelt back beside them with a sigh. He slipped his arms beneath their knees and back like he started to in the first place, standing up with a bit of surprise as he mentally miscalculated their weight. “You’re a little lighter than you look.”

He huffed a little as he looked around, mapping out the nearest shortcuts to the Underworld in his head before deciding on a nearby route that should put him out somewhat close to Natasha’s clinic. 

Shifting the newcomer's weight in his arms he started walking through the Fragmentum. He mostly just needed to keep an eye out for the monsters created by the Fragmentum since he knocked out the Silvermane Guards that had set up temporary checkpoints through the Fragmentum while the Commander set up the ambush. They should be fine, the guard was pretty good about setting up barricades.

Most of the monsters proved no difficulty, either too absorbed in their own bumbling or easily distracted by a well-kicked stone in a different direction. In fact, aside from the setback of the Fragmentum devices suddenly not working this was probably one of the easiest jobs he’s done recently. 

Which meant that, naturally, something had to go wrong to ruin the whole operation and prove him wrong.

Sampo’s fingers twitched a bit when he felt Nova shift a bit in his hold, tensing a little as he looked down to see if they were starting to wake up. Their eyes were still closed, thankfully, but their brow was furrowed and there was a frown on their face that hadn’t been there before.

It looked like they were having some kind of nightmare, especially when he heard them start to murmur under their breath. He wondered whether or not he should try to wake them, worried that if they started sleep-talking that the closer monsters would hear them and start coming over. He didn’t really want to just drop them on the ground and cause some kind of head trauma to fight off Fragmentum monsters.

Before he could come to a decision there was a sudden flickering of golden arcs across their chest and skin similar to those he saw on the Fragmentum devices. He felt more than saw some kind of change in their weight as the nightmare seemed to kick in more, about to tighten his grip on them when the arcs multiplied and he had to avert his gaze at a sudden flash of light that paired with the sensation of the Trailblazer completely disappearing from his grasp. 

He blinked quickly in surprise and looked back to see a tiny shape starting to fall about chest level. Instinctively, his hands reached out to grab it with cupped hands and opened his palms to see what it was, eyes widening. 

“Wha- Trailblazer?!” Sampo shouted before he could help himself, but how else was he supposed to react to the person in his arms suddenly becoming a microscopic percentage of their original size. He tensed when he heard a monster nearby screech in curiosity at hearing his exclamation. Oh, great.

He panicked a little as he looked himself over, trying to figure out what to do with his now tiny pseudo-captive as he heard the incoming footsteps. Almost every pocket and compartment on his person was full of his gimmicks and helpful items. 

Another screech caught his attention and he looked over to see a couple Fragmentum monsters that took on the shape of Silvermane Guards from one of the side streets start charging towards him. In the distance, another Fragmentum cry rang out. He yelped as he started running away from the monsters, deciding to try and just book it for his shortcut.

On the brightside, with the Trailblazer being so small it meant that he could cup them in one hand sort of against his chest as he ran, using his free hand to help him vault up to the tops of the walls that lined the streets. 

The Fragmentum monsters roared up at him angrily now that he was out of reach of their ground-bound forms.

“Haha! Better luck next time, suckers,” Sampo taunted the two, running along the wall. This was at least a lot easier than carrying them normally and allowed him the ability to run without draining himself as much. Didn’t mean it was entirely safe though.

He let out an exclamation when a crystalline wing almost beamed him in the face, just barely managing to duck beneath it with nimble feet. His hands instinctively went for his sheathed daggers but one hand was preoccupied. Briefly forgetting that it was an actual person in his hand, his body moved on instinct and put the bite-sized offending object into his mouth to unsheathe his daggers.

It wasn’t until he jolted out of the way of a crystalline wing and felt his tongue instinctively pin the object to the roof of his mouth to hold it in place that he realized what he’d done, eyes widening and freezing in place at the feeling of limbs on his tongue.

Sampo didn’t exactly have time to dwell on it or think of an alternative, the winged Fragmentum creature swooping in to attack again. He raised his daggers to block it, ducking beneath to cut at the joints of its wings but something knocking against his ankles threw off his balance and he had to focus on just not falling off the wall.

The winged creature whizzed above his dagger's reach and he glanced down to see that one of the Fragmentum Silvermane imposters had its staff lifted, moving to swipe at his ankles once more.

Oh, come on!

He had to quickly jump over the swipe to avoid being tripped, eyes widening when he simultaneously had to block the screeching winged Fragmentum creature that aimed for his head, planting his feet on top of the wall with a brief second of thought before deciding to just retreat. Spinning on his heel and avoiding another stab at his ankles he sprinted along the top of the wall. He heard the trio screeching behind him as the Fragmentum monsters all took pursuit.

Something shifted in his mouth, the Trailblazer's limbs twitching against both his tongue and the roof of his mouth. A very weird and unfamiliar sensation that threatened to be incredibly distracting.

Not now, he thought worriedly. He found himself twirling a dagger briefly to sheathe it quickly, raising a gloved hand to his mouth as he debated taking them out right now. But he didn't want to risk dropping them in his haste to escape so he scrapped that idea almost as fast as he thought of it.

If he could just slip into his shortcut to the Underworld out of the Fragmentum, then he could just spit them out, no harm done, hopefully before they fully woke. Then all he'd need to do is make the rush down to Natasha’s to find out WHY THEY SHRANK IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING, far easier said than done with the loudmouths tailing him. He could hear other screeches in the distance of other Fragmentum monsters catching onto the chase that was happening.

Of all the days for one of his heists to go wrong, this had to be one of the worst and the oddest.

Sampo was getting close to the alleyway he used to get in and out of the Fragmentum zone, balancing between deteriorating cobblestone and metal railings that lined some of the walls. A glance behind him showed that he'd lost a couple monsters but gained a few more, particularly the faster winged ones and one that seemed like it had a skirt of crystal with crystalline antlers crowning its head. It raised an arm for a ranged attack using the Fragmentum around it and he had to jolt to the side to avoid what looked like the air shattering beside him.

He turned his gaze forward just in time for the shaft of a halberd to clothesline him in the chest as he ran into it, knocking him off the wall ungracefully. He felt something hit the back of his throat harshly and his body instinctively flinched as it started trying to cough but his back hit the ground, forcing the object into his throat.

Sampo struggled to clear his airway, swallowing hard once then twice to move it past his trachea painfully, barely rolling out of the way as the end of the halberd struck down where his head had just been. The sound of faux-metal hitting stone rang out and echoed with his coughing as his body tried to ease the sharp pain in his throat that dulled to an ache, ignoring the feeling of something slipping deeper into his chest in favor of giving the Fragmentum creature that ambushed him his full attention.

“H-Hey, watch the face,” he snapped at the creature from the crouched position he ended up in after rolling away, gesturing to his face with his empty hand. “It’s one of my money-makers, you know?”

The creature only snarled in response, raising its halberd back into the air to prepare another swing as it lunged forward.

“Not much of a talker. I can work with that,” Sampo quipped to no one, not hesitating to rush into the fight and draw his other dagger. From the brief glance he got around the street, this Fragmentum monster was the biggest threat along with some incoming winged ones behind him. He could hear other Fragmentum screeching but Sampo Koski was quick and light on his feet, knowing he outran a few and probably even lost a couple in his run.

His blades clanged against the creatures as he blocked its swing. He slid one of the blades so that the halberd shaft slotted against the hilt of his dagger, twirling the other one in his hand from assisting the block to pinning the halberd staff to his hilt, trapping the halberd and giving the Fragmentum creature resistance as it started trying to pull its weapon free.

“Sorry, pal,” Sampo wrenched his blades to the side, jerking the halberd staff along with it, and backflipped with a kick. His boot knocked into the forearm of the Fragmentum creature, messing up its grip on the halberd as his entire body weight pulled against it. Thankfully, the halberd was forced out of its grasp, otherwise that would have been a scramble to regain his composure.

One of the winged Fragmentum caught up to the fight as he landed back on his feet and flung the halberd to the side, ducking to dodge a wing to the face and dashed around the Silvermane imposter, hooking one of his daggers into its side. Using the dagger as an anchor he pulled himself towards the creature as he rushed past it, allowing him to quickly turn to stab his other dagger into the back of its neck. With a sharp twist and pull the creature's head fell off to land on the ground, letting out one final death rattle as he dodged the winged Fragmentum again.

With empty hands and being able to hone in on the fight more it was far easier for him to slide beneath the winged Framentum and stab upward to cut through the core where wing joints would theoretically be on both the already present Fragmentum and the second that had managed to catch up.

Sampo huffed a little in the aftermath of the small battle, turning to run towards the alleyway he’d been going towards, quickly slipping into it as more screeching sounded closer. He had no idea if Fragmentum creatures mourned each other, but he didn’t want to stick around to see if they understood the concept of revenge either. And, now that he was relatively safe he could focus on the perceived aftermath of what he’d done.

He didn’t just swallow one of the newcomers, did he? He wanted to say no, but there was a distinct weight in his gut that hadn’t been there before, sheathing one of his daggers and placing a hand against his abdomen cautiously as he continued to rush for the shortcut to the Underworld.

“Ah, y-you doing alright?” Sampo asked hesitantly, feeling a weird sensation as the Trailblazer twitched in his stomach. Okay, that meant that they were fine, right? He felt his breath hitch in his throat as he felt more movement, sounding far more calm than he felt as he told them, “Don’t you worry bout a thing, good ol’ Sampo Koski will hav-.”

His impending monologue was interrupted by his insides suddenly exploding, barely covering his mouth in time to muffle a pained shout. He couldn’t quite tell what exactly was happening past the pain, but he knew that Nova was doing it and that they were obviously panicked from the muffled shouting he could vaguely hear. Maybe he’d be able to tell what they were saying if he wasn’t more focused on not doubling over in pain.

“Wh-Why the sudden hostility, friend,” Sampo managed to say through gritted teeth, not expecting a response. Not a coherent one at least. He could feel his own heart race and his lungs struggle to take in a full breath of air past the agony. He didn’t blame them, but it made him wonder if they’d burst from his chest. “L-Look, just hold on and I’ll getcha out, okay? Sampo’s word.”

Part of him hoped the statement would calm their nerves somewhat but he didn’t expect it to, and it didn’t. He’d just have to rush to Natasha’s clinic as quickly as he could before either of them ended up dying.

Without further ado he rushed through the alleyway past piles of snow-covered scrap until he reached the end where a hatch was hidden amongst the debris, clumsily opening it and falling into the Underworld. He barely used the ladder in his haste, sliding down with his gloves on the lengthy poles holding the rungs, stopping himself barely a few feet from the rocky floor.

Stumbling in the shafts of an abandoned mine, he sprinted as much as his body and the pain would allow, relieved only slightly when the sharp pain stopped by the time he reached the tunnel that led him to the active mines and the town. It left a throbbing ache that spread throughout his insides and made him worried that the newcomer had succumbed to his body. But, he felt them move and shift with each corner he took, letting him know that they were alive.

The time it took to sprint to Natasha’s clinic was a different kind of agony, not acknowledging a waiting Hook as he ran through the streets he had blocked off by the kids, beelining it to the door of Natasha’s clinic to rush up to the main clinic floor and bursting through the door.

“Natasha!” Sampo exclaimed, freezing when multiple pairs of eyes looked towards him. There were the patients and those waiting, of course, obviously looking towards the sudden noise that disturbed the otherwise mostly quiet clinic. But there was also Natasha herself talking with both the older volunteer, Matt, and the newcomers. 

Great, they were all awake.

“You again!” shouted the pastel-haired one, pointing towards him with an accusatory finger. He felt the Trailblazer in his stomach stir and hoped they wouldn’t start beating up his insides once more, or to at least make it quick as the dark-haired newcomer narrowed his eyes towards Sampo and sent a chill down his spine.

“Yes, me,” Sampo agreed, walking into the room as his mind tried to figure out the best way to go about this. He certainly didn’t want to alarm the other people in the clinic, and he had a feeling that both March and Dan Heng were ready to tear him apart. Looking at Natasha, he said, “Miss Natasha, I-.”

“Have a lot of explaining to do,” the doctor interrupted him sternly, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s this I hear about-?”

“Yes, yes,” Sampo interrupted her back, feeling like an imaginary clock was looming over his shoulder. Even if Nova seemed fine now, who knows how much longer they had? “Miss Natasha and friends, I swear I will explain everything and more, or my name isn’t Sampo Koski! However, there seems to be a bit of an EMERGENCY and I’d like to see you in your office, hmm?”

He clasped his hands together, giving Natasha a strained smile and hoping to whatever Aeon was listening that she would take the hint to pull him aside.

“Emergency, huh,” Natasha’s voice sounded a little unconvinced but intrigued. She gave him a stare for a few more tense seconds before walking towards the door leading back out into the stairwell. “Come on, then.”

Sampo didn’t hesitate to trail after her like a large dog lumbering after its owner  with his height over her. He felt the newcomer shift a bit in his gut, unsure how to feel about just how well he could make their movements out. A shudder went down his spine at the odd sensation, having not really had to pay much attention to it in his panic.

“So,” Natasha opened the door to her office and walked inside. It wasn’t really an office, more of a private checkup room for those that didn’t want their medical affairs to be as public. She waited until he was inside and closed the door, looking back at him with crossed arms. “What kind of emergency is it, Sampo?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure where to start,” he admitted, reaching up and running a gloved hand through his hair. “I was just helping the newcomers get away from the Silvermane Guards- Hey, these guys scratched my back, it’s only fair if I scratched theirs.”

Natasha looked unamused at being interrupted from her questioning the second she opened her mouth but thankfully just watched him expectantly.

“A-Anyway,” Sampo continued, absentmindedly resting a hand against his abdomen when he felt Nova start to move around more. “Something happened with the last newcomer and the next thing I know they’re TINY! I’m talking able to fit in the palm of my hand kind of tiny, Miss Natasha.”

“Uh huh,” the doctor raised an eyebrow at him like he’d just grown another head. “Go on.”

“Well, there was a lot of running and dodging, and I may or may not have accidentally put them in my mouth to free my hands up for fighting and… well,” he found himself struggling to finish, still very much in denial about the situation himself. “I accidentally swallowed them…”

Sampo stared at Natasha, waiting anxiously for her reaction. But, it wasn’t her that spoke first, the door slamming open.

“You WHAT?” the dark-haired newcomer stared at him with gray eyes. He didn’t shout but his tone stressing the end of the question got the point of it across as good as any exclamation.

“Oh boy,” Sampo’s voice trailed off with a nervous chuckle, eyeing the readied spear in the other man's hand.

—-----------------------------

“... They will suffer, sacrifice, and die because of my order.”

I blinked in surprise and confusion at the voice of Cocolia so near, unable to move and only able to see. In front of me stood a figure in the same garb as the Supreme Guardian, back turned to me as she faced a machine that looked like it held a black and gold diamond shaped structure in front of her.

I felt like that would be more alarming if part of me didn’t register that these weren’t my memories, these were memories imparted to me once more. 

“It is not death which greets them…” another voice tried to reassure the visage in front of me, some pang going through my chest as though the Stellaron within me felt some sort of kinship with the machine. “They will be swept into the infancy of a new world.”

“What about the Underworlders?” Cocolia asked, worry lacing the edge of her voice. “They will lose the protection of the Architects. They will see me as… as a tyrant.”

“You have witnessed… the world we have promised. A temporary misunderstanding… for an eternity of prosperity. We will honor… your decision.” The machine whispered to her, coaxing.

In front of me, I saw Cocolia’s hands tremble at her side as a second went by in thought, fingers going limp as her shoulders slumped in resignation. “I understand.”

I wanted to protest everything that was going on, mentally stamping my foot down and trying to get the attention of Cocolia to try and say that she’s still fucking with peoples lives and to not listen to the Stellaron. But, I knew it was in vain, that what I was observing was the past. Whether I was receiving the memories from the Stellaron itself was unknown, but I knew that time was starting to run out on whatever deal she had made with the thing.

I couldn’t dwell on it too much though, not when my entire world began to jostle and shake suddenly. But I wasn’t anywhere physical, did some kind of earthquake happen in the memory? Cocolia wasn’t reacting like there was…

The jostling stopped and made me think that it was somehow a part of the dream, like perhaps the connection to whoever’s memories these were was being interrupted or something. But, my mind started to slip into darkness, no longer a vision and not quite waking up. I also couldn’t quite force myself back into awareness, only vaguely noticing things if at all.

Like how everything felt unstable for a moment, giving me the stomach in my throat feeling that happened sometimes with sleep, before steadying somewhat again. Only to feel slightly warm and claustrophobic a short while after. I didn’t even know you could feel claustrophobic with dreams. 

And the jostling and shifting returned.

My brow furrowed as the sensations slowly became more and more prominent, frowning at the oddity of it all. Jostling and shifting felt sort of familiar, having been manhandled a couple times in the last week in my smaller state but that didn’t explain why it felt sort of hard to breathe, why it felt humid and hot where I was, or what the sound of gusting air was coming from.

I tried for a while in my weird moving surroundings to move my own arms, able to occasionally hear a muffled screech or a far louder grunt nearby, but it was slow going. By the time I felt like I could twitch my fingers everything was kind of smooth in a consistent bouncing sort of way. Opening my eyes in bleary confusion to darkness I was barely given a moment to try and figure anything out past the mind fog when everything around me jerked violently.

Jolting a bit more into awareness as adrenaline rushed through my system there was another all encompassing jostle that forced me into a space that felt almost too tight, not even able to process anything when I heard a loud gulp all around me.

“Heh?!” I barely managed to wheeze out a startled noise as I was forced down what felt like an extremely tight rubbery tube, realizing that my clothes and hair were soaked with something that made it difficult to get a hold of anything. In a sort of mounting horror I noticed that the walls of the tube were moving, shoving against me and making it difficult to breathe, my vision spotting with colors. Somehow it got even more compressed with the sound of another swallow and what sounded like a sigh of relief, both far too close than logically possible.

“H-Hey, watch the face! It’s one of my moneymakers, you know?” the sound of a certain shifty man boomed around me, realizing it was getting a bit further away and more muffled above me as he responded to a screech with, “Not much of a talker. I can work with that.”

“S-Sampo?!”

I felt everything jolt and jerk around me, the tube around me twisting and compressing with some kind of movement from… somewhere, only made worse when the claustrophobic squeezing turned into essentially being within some kind of bouncy house. It felt like a bouncy house at least, except more wet and warm with the bouncy house having control instead of the person inside.

I was relieved to not have a full stomach, the tossing and turning making me feel nauseous.

I’m not sure how long it was before the screeching outside stopped and everything stilled somewhat. It hadn’t been long, I think, but I still stayed mostly still for several seconds to try and wait out the daze. I thought that it was just my dizziness making me feel like everything was still moving but I realized that, no, the floor was still shifting beneath me.

“Ah, y-you doing alright?” Sampo’s voice above me caught my attention, still extremely louder than usual.

“S-Sampo,” I asked quietly, forcing myself to slowly push myself up into a sitting position despite still being a bit dazed. I frowned a bit in confusion when there was no response, focusing on whatever small amount of energy I could reach within myself to muster a spark. My face scrunched up a bit at the sight, struggling to comprehend what exactly I was looking at. Pink walls glistened in the light, pulsing almost in time with the…. breathing I noticed.

That’s not my heartbeat, I thought to myself, eyes widening when I realized the heart I was hearing wasn’t the blood rushing in my ears.

 “Don’t you worry bout a thing,” Sampo’s voice spoke up above, only solidifying what my gut instincts told me. Before I could think much on it I felt a jolt of energy travel to my fingertips, the space lighting up with a crackling light as my baseball bat manifested. “-good ol’ Sampo Koski will hav-.”

I didn’t even wait for the man to finish, swinging at the nearest wall of flesh as hard as I could several times, shouting, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

I heard him respond back but didn’t pay attention to it as I continued to swing, summoning as much explosive energy into each hit on the walls, shouting everything I could think of from demanding what was going on, what happened to everyone else, what he was doing and why he fucking ATE me. He answered none of my questions or demands to be released. I lost my footing a few times as it felt like he was moving somewhere, feeling more fear and panic as time went on. 

I summoned another spark at some point and saw more liquid on the floor beneath me. I didn’t want to find out whether or not it was harmless.

Continuing my barrage as long as my body would allow, I eventually lost my footing to the shifting floors and couldn’t gather the energy to push myself back up, my bat briefly lighting up the surroundings weakly as it fizzled from existence. Panting, I could feel the pool of fluid in the chamber with me and flinched when a particularly sharp movement from Sampo caused it to lap entirely over a forearm. I instinctively tried to hold onto something everytime things shifted me ‘out of place’, trying to not be sent sliding around.

On the brightside, I didn’t feel like anything was happening to me. But I also didn’t know much about the human body. I just knew people ate things and then it was essentially gone a few hours later. Maybe things just hadn’t kicked in yet, even when the walls started closing a bit more with each undulation, much to my dismay.

After a while I realized I could hear the muffled sounds of people outside. Nothing in particular, just what felt like the general sounds of street activity, albeit through an overlay of a racing heartbeat and panting above me. The sound of footsteps on stone, then wood.

Pondering on whether or not that meant Sampo was as panicked as I felt, I jolted in surprise as he suddenly shouted “Natasha!” above me.

“You again!”

I heard March’s voice from outside and quickly sat up, holding a hand to my head as a round of dizziness from laying in exhaustion kicked in at the sudden motion. “March!”

My voice came out hoarse and scratchy, a whisper compared to the loud shouting I’d hurled at the shifty man earlier. FUCK. I tried clearing my throat and testing my voice as Sampo talked above, not feeling satisfied for several seconds. When I felt like maybe I could shout loud enough again, I heard ‘Come on then.’ from an unknown woman outside.

“Wait” I exclaimed, breaking out into a cough immediately afterwards as everything moved again from what I assumed to be Sampo’s footsteps. Pissed that I may have missed my chance I shifted and hit part of the flesh beneath me, hissing, “Fuck!”

Thankfully, it didn’t seem like I was exactly a secret to be kept hidden away, hearing Sampo start to explain to some Natasha about what happened. It filled in some gaps of memory I had since I was knocked out but it was incredibly weird to hear about my own situation. Especially since it felt almost unbelievable that this was entirely accidental.

I jolted a little at the sound of a door slamming open, hearing a familiar but muffled voice demand, “You WHAT?”

“Oh boy…” Sampo chuckled overhead but I heard a distinct increase in his heartbeat and breathing.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to- ma’am!” the unknown woman, Natasha, shouted in surprise.

“We’re not leaving until we get answers about our friend,” March’s voice was somehow able to cut through everything very well. “You didn’t actually eat them, did you? This is just some weird prank, right?”

Unfortunately, it isn’t, March…

“Ma’am, I assure you that’s impossible- sir, put your spear away and step away,” Natasha replied just as everything moved again. Only once, making me think of Sampo stepping back. “I’m not going to ask you again.”

“L-Let’s settl-.”

“It’s not impossible,” Dan Heng’s voice interrupted the other man and I heard the sound of a footstep followed by a few lighter ones, along with another ‘Sir!’ from Natasha. “And if he’s telling the truth, I won’t hesitate to cut them out of him myself.”

“Fucking hell,” I mumbled to myself. On one hand, I was a little mortified at the thought of him doing that but I also felt like I’d be the same way if something happened to the other two. Them and the others on the Astral Express were about all I knew since being found recently.

“Our friend has a condition, you see?” March’s voice spoke hurriedly like she was trying to prevent a fight. Maybe she was just trying to keep them from getting kicked out. “If they don’t take a specific medicine, they shrink to only a couple inches tall. We don’t know how to fix it yet and they must have forgotten to grab some medicine when the Silvermane Guards woke us up this morning!”

“Your friend… shrinks,” Natasha repeated slowly in disbelief from outside.

“Yes!” I shouted even though no one could hear me, forced to more or less wait and see what would happen.

“I told you,” Sampo said adamantly before suddenly yelping and swallowing hard above me.

Did Dan Heng or March threaten him or something?

“Well, you all seem rather convinced,” Natasha spoke up from the outside, sighing a little. I could only imagine what was going on through her head. Shrinking seemed pretty rare in space, I can only guess it’s entirely unheard of on a planet that was just focusing on its survival. There was the sound of heels on the floor and the door closing again. “Come on.”

“Eheh, r-right,” Sampo sounded nervous, everything moving with a weird side-to-side jerk that shuffled me along with it before going to a more familiar motion that ended with a bit of a jolt.

“Now, hold still,” Natasha’s voice was a lot closer, surprising and confusing me. I waited for anything else to be said, by anyone, but several weird moments of silence went by that was only interrupted by the sound of the body around me. As I wondered what the fuck was going on the woman spoke up again. “I don’t hear anything abnormal.”

“W-Wait, are you sure?” Sampo asked while I heard two muffled ‘What’s from both March and Dan Heng. 

“Fuck, was I supposed to be talking,” I exclaimed to myself with a jolt of panic, not realizing that she’d been listening. 

“Are you sure about that? I mean, they were shouting an awful lot at the-.”

“Quiet,” Natasha’s voice interrupted Sampo as he started talking. “I think I heard something.”

Oh shit, please let that be me! I thought to myself, quickly calling out, “Hello! Uh, Natasha lady?”

It felt kind of awkward since it felt like I was talking to nothing, especially when I had screamed myself hoarse earlier with no results in any regard.

“Well, that’s a surprise...”

“What is?” March’s voice asked nervously.

“I did hear a small voice. And here I thought Sampo was trying to spin some sort of tall tale for some unknown reason.”

“Wha- then why didn’t they speak up the first time?” March asked, somehow sounding concerned, relieved, and annoyed at the same time. I couldn’t help but feel indignant.

“Oh, MY fucking bad,” I retorted automatically, my own irritation and tiredness making me snap back despite not being heard. Bristling, I resummoned my bat after minutes of resting, still feeling tired yet continuing, “How the fuck was I supposed to know anything was going on outside? I can’t see dick in here and I’d like to be out of this fucking BASTARD!”

I didn’t even bother getting to my feet, conducting energy through my bat and swinging at the nearest offending wall with an explosive impact. Almost immediately I yelped as I found myself compressed between the folds around me.

“Ow!” Sampo exclaimed loudly.

“What happened?” Dan Heng spoke up this time, quickly.

“Well,” Natasha’s voice replied, sounding far more nonchalant than I feel like most people should in this situation. “Your friend made the question of how they were supposed to know anything was going on when they can’t see anything and then demanded to be let out. Granted, their wording was far more colorful.”

“That sounds about right,” Dan Heng sighed. “Are they alright, at least?”

“They seem to be, yes,” the woman answered, though she sounded far less pleased about it than I was feeling, which confused me. “Although they shouldn’t be… That question can wait, however. Now we need to figure out a way to get them out. And before you suggest it again, I’d like for you not to cut them out of him.”

“How are we gonna get them out then,” March asked.

“Well, I can see about making a medicine to force them back out, although it likely won’t be pleasant for either of them.”

“Ugh, you’re going to make him throw up?” March sounded as disgusted as I felt, which kind of made no sense since I was already in here. Even Sampo made a noise of disgust above me. “... I’m going to wait outside then, Dan Heng.”

You bitch! I thought to myself, though I felt like I’d be in the same boat if I was the one outside.

“If they come out injured, I won’t hesitate to hurt you myself,” Dan Heng said.

“Duly noted,” Sampo replied with a nervous chuckle, shifting a little.

It wasn’t long before some foul-smelling concoction made its way into the stomach with me, both Sampo and I gagging at the smell. I tried to pinch my nose shut and hold my breath, almost yelping when the stomach around me clenched and forced me back upwards. It was way tighter and rougher than being swallowed but it was also almost instant, finding myself in a sudden freefall within a second.

Thankfully, I didn’t plummet to the ground or anything, finding myself caught by something, blinking in the comparatively bright light and seeing that I was in some kind of net. Shivering in the cooler air, I looked around where it seemed like some kind of mesh was placed over the top of a, graciously clean, bucket.

“My goodness, you are small,” Natasha’s voice caught my attention, looking up to see her take the bucket from Sampo, who seemed to have been hunched over it to vomit. I was just glad it was just me and some bile at the most, else I’d feel the urge to hurl a lot more than I already did with the awful smell clinging to me.

“And nauseous,” I replied, sitting up and trying not to touch anything. I didn’t exactly want to pinch my nose anymore since it’d waft more of the smell on me.

“You think you’re nauseous,” Sampo mumbled from where he sat on a rusty exam table looking like he was struggling not to vomit again. Dan Heng narrowed his eyes at the other man, making him flinch. “O-Of course, the least I could do given the circumstance!”

“I hope you don’t mind if I give you a quick rinse,” Natasha said, unbothered by the two guys as she placed the bucket in a deep sink in the room, jostling me in the netting. She reached for the faucet off to the side and a bottle of soap but paused as she looked at me.

“Aeon, please do.”

“Good.” she nodded, turning on the faucet slightly to allow a light deluge and started slathering some soap on her hands. “This is unfortunately the only way I can think of getting you clean at this size. And while I’m helping you with this, SOMEONE can go find the Silvermane overworlder he brought down here that ran off while he was away and maybe find the medicine you left in the Overworld.”

“Right now?” Sampo glanced over, looking a little pale still. But, he made a noise and got to his feet when Natasha stopped sudsing the soap and looked back at him. “I mean, of course, right away, Miss Natasha!”

The man scrambled to the door and out into the hall, giving a ‘Oop, pardon me.’ as he did so, March walking inside a second later.

“Is Nova okay?” she asked, approaching Dan Heng who just nodded in my direction.

“Hi, Ma-arch!” I yelped when a handful of cold water was gently poured on me, shivering more almost instantly. “Fuck!”

“Sorry,” Natasha held out a hand covered in suds, offering the foam to me. “I didn’t want to waste any hot water. We usually save it for those more susceptible to the cold.”

I was feeling really fucking susceptible to the cold myself right now but I held my tongue and just grabbed a handful of foam to try scrubbing the stench of the medicine off. It smelled like mint. 

“Y-You’re fine,” I shuddered, feeling a bit awkward with the quick wash but ignored it for the sake of getting it out of the way. “I’m fine, March.”

“Are you sure? That must have been terrifying,” the woman commented, looking at Dan Heng for agreement.

“Well, I’m not gonna deny that,” I scrubbed off myself the best I could, even taking off my hoodie to make the foam work better as I talked. “Unpleasant, at l-least. Bit of a rude awak-awakening.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Dan Heng said. I looked up at him on instinct when he spoke up and saw something unreadable cross his face, a common enough occurrence for me to ignore it.

“I’m glad you g-guys care.”

“Of course we care,” March exclaimed, sounding almost offended. “You’re one of the crew now! We take care of our own.”

I resisted the urge to remind her that we’d met barely a week ago, Natasha being nice enough to interrupt anything I was about to say with another handful of cold water. A couple more and there was no foam on me at all, though I was left soaked and shivering still. 

“Here,” Natasha scooped me up in her hands, still a weird sensation, and walked me over to the duo waiting. When Dan Heng extended the hand not holding his spear she took great care in depositing me into his palm. She reached into a fold on her dress and pulled out a handkerchief from a hidden pocket, carefully draping it over me. “I have to return to my patients, but you’re welcome to stay or go as you please. Just try to stay safe and out of trouble.”

“Will do!” March said chipperly, putting her hands on her hips.

The doctor waved a farewell to us as she left the room, leaving only the three of us.

“What now?” March asked, looking between Dan Heng and I. “She mentioned some Silvermane overworlder. You don’t think it’s the one that we were fighting, do you?”

“She did get knocked out with us.” Dan Heng replied. 

“All I know is I want to beat the shit out of Sampo the next time I see that motherfucker and I’m normal again,” I hissed, wrapping the handkerchief around myself as much as I could. March looked down at me, giving an unamused expression.

“Trust me, we’ll help you.”

[kiskyz]

"The Upper Hand"

honestly the reader is kinda like sampo... anyways i hope you enjoy!!

TW: general yandere stuff

“That’s another 300,000 Oneiric Shards gone.” Bronya rubbed her head. “I don’t think I have to explain why this is bad.”

Gepard lowered his head in humiliation, “My apologies Lady Bronya.”

“I have a lot of faith in you Captain Gepard, but my patience is dwindling.” Bronya sat down. “Arrest them.”

Gepard put his fist over his heart, “Of course Lady Bronya!”

“You’re dismissed.” She said tiredly.

Gepard said his farewell before leaving. A few other guards followed him chatting quietly.

“I’ve never seen anyone besides that odd blue-haired guy, outrun the Captain.”

“I know, even Lady Bronya is getting annoyed.”

Their whispers weren’t unheard by the skillful man in question. Despite the disrespect, he couldn’t argue with them. Everything they said was the truth.

You.

You’re always causing chaos around Jarilo-VI, costing hundreds of thousands of Oneiric Shards in damage. You even dare to leave behind notes at the scene of the crime.

Gepard’s fist clenched just thinking of those little pieces of paper. They’re clearly just there to annoy him, but he still always reads them. The subject of your notes varies from puns about the crime to talking about him.

Another thing that you do that gets under his skin is when he just misses you and you wave him goodbye. Sometimes you’ll even strike up a conversation with him.

After months of analyzing you and your crimes, he has been able to somewhat accurately guess when and where you will strike next. Although there isn’t a clear pattern, there is one.

He walked to his office as irritation started eating away at him.

What gives you the right to think that you can continuously commit crimes, leave behind as much evidence as you please, and get away with it?

He sat down at his desk and pulled out the folder with documents and notes on you. He had to try and predict your next actions.

Gepard isn’t dumb, but he’s not the smarter of the twins. So when he got stuck, he sought out Serval. She helped him figure out your hidden pattern.

When he thought of the pattern and this last crime he realized something very important.

-

-

You’re a very sporadic individual. Most of the things you do are on a whim and it's the same with crime. You didn’t dream of being a criminal, but one day you thought it might be fun, so you tried it.

You weren’t surprised when you got on the top wanted list. In all fairness, you’ve committed numerous serious crimes. You may even be considered a terrorist.

Sometimes you’d stay behind and watch from a distance as the authorities arrived at the scene and that's when you saw him. Captain Gepard.

At the time he looked to where you were but you luckily ducked behind a wall to avoid being seen.

As time went on, you thought it’d be fun to tease him a bit. Crimes were fun, but it was getting a bit boring and despite his high ranking, he’s a bit dense.

So you wrote notes on pieces of paper and sometimes even on the wall/ground.

Now at the present, you wonder where to go next. You don’t like going to the same location, but you’re running out of options. You debated yourself a bit and decided on the most obvious place.

The train station.

“The most obvious place is the most entertaining!”

-

-

-

You blinked a couple of times, completely mentally removing yourself from the situation at hand.

You’re chained to a chair in a cold interrogation room. A blonde man stared you down across the table you were sitting at.

“Haha Captain Gepard you got me all wrong!” You sweated.

“Do I?” His voice was cold.

“Y-yeah! I’m actually sort of a… vigilante! And if you let me go I swear I’ll stop!” You tried to sound convincing.

Gepard stared at you blankly and you made an apologetic face.

You wondered what was going through his head.

He finally moved and left the room.

“Hah?!” You huffed.

Maybe you can manage to get out of these handcuffs while he’s gone.

-

-

Gepard smiled at the guards outside the room, “Tell everyone to go home early to celebrate finally capturing the criminal who caused us such a headache. I’ll finish everything here!”

“Captain Gepard! Are you sure..?”

He nodded, “Make sure to tell everyone else.”

“Of course!”

The 2 guards walked away.

Geprad stood outside the room, waiting till he thought everyone was gone.

When he finally caught you after so long, he realized something. Despite all the frustration and annoyance you’ve caused him, he’s become enamored by you.

He finally enters the room when he’s sure everyone is gone.

He walks to where you sat.

“W-what can I do for you, Captain!” You sweat.

He had an odd expression on his face.

“First you can stay in the handcuffs.” He quickly grabs your wrists before you have time to react.

“Haha, would you look at that! I didn’t even notice…” You looked away.

You were once again, handcuffed to the chair.

You expected all of this. This was all according to your plan. Definitely…

“What did you expect was going to happen?” Gepard sat on the table in front of you, his eyes looking down at you.

You rolled your eyes, he was so dramatic.

A hand came at you with force, only to land on the chair, just above your shoulder.

“Gepa-” You began.

“Captain Gepard.” He said.

“Ok then, Captain Gepard! You-” You were once again interrupted.

“Did you really think you’d get away with all those crimes. With all those jokes.” He said annoyed.

You shook your head, “It’s all a misunderstanding!!”

“Why leave the notes?” He asked.

You held back your smile, “Well…“

He slammed down a note next to him.

You shifted your body to read it. When you read the text you couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“Read it.” He said.

You looked at him with a raised eyebrow and smile. If he asked how could you refuse! Though it was a bit odd how his voice hasn’t been holding a clear emotion, anger or annoyance.

“You’re pretty pathetic to not be able to catch me. Are you really the captain?” You couldn’t read it with a straight face, barely holding back your laughter.

It wasn’t that it was super funny, it was just the memory from when he first read it. His hands had tightened their grip and he threw it on the ground.

When you first saw his reaction you cringed, but you also realized just how much of an advantage you had over him. You were much smarter and always one step ahead of him.

“Sorry! You see these notes were just-” You remembered the fact that this man was the one who had you in custody.

A hand grabbed your jaw, lifting your head up to meet his. He had gotten a lot closer, faces centimeters apart.

“Who has the upper hand now?” Gepard leaned in.

[hkcomplex]

(re: @books-are-my-life-stuff)

Playing around with readings of kanji is an absolutely huge part of Japanese wordplay and one that usually goes right of the heads of English readers — and often even English translators. Here’s a fun example that I think basically everyone missed…

In Dragonball, there’s a bit where King Piccolo invades the Earth, and he says this line about how he’ll force everyone to celebrate that day as Piccolo Day. Specifically, it’s May 9th.

This is actually a kind of numerical pun in Japanese about Goku, the hero of Dragonball. See, May 9th is 5/9. 5 can be read as “go”, and 9 can be read as “ku”, and that makes 5/9 “Goku day”. And Dragonball is big enough in Japan that you’ll sometimes see promotional material celebrating it as such:

So the joke is that Piccolo invades Earth and declares Goku day to be Piccolo day. Hah. Well, I thought it was funny…

Here’s the thing, this kind of number-based pun is its own whole category of Japanese wordplay, called goroawase, and you see it everywhere in Japanese media. Band names, twitter handles, license plates on cars. Hell, a lot of supermarkets have sales on meat on the 29th of each month because “meat” -> “niku” -> “ni ku” -> 2 9. It’s a really flexible form of joke because every number can have like a dozen different readings, so tons of words and phrases can be turned into goroawase numbers. And 99% of the time, this kind of joke is totally untranslatable in English.

So, any time you see a weirdly specific number in an anime or game, there is a decent chance it’s actually a pun that you missed.

[nikolaiismysugardaddy]

I'm under your spell // Nikolai Gogol

pairings... Nikolai Gogol x Reader

contains...! fluff! gn!reader, knocked out reader

I apologize for any mistakes in advance - english is not my first language!

Extra: I was listening to Bring me the Horizon - Follow you when the idea popped up in my head. Take a listen to it, it's pretty nice. ♡

Hope you enjoy! xx

You woke up in an unfamiliar bed. The last memory you remembered was when you were in Sigma’s casino, playing poker with some drunk folks. You won the last round, and everyone around you lost all their money. And that’s all, you can’t recall a single motion after that. 

The moment you tried to sit up, you noticed that your clothes had been changed to some nice and cozy pajamas. Your head hurt so much, it felt like a hundred needles were stuck in your scalp. You turned to your left and noticed black and white striped pants placed atop your own clothes on a chair. 

That’s when another memory popped up in your mind: you went to the casino with Nikolai. He was the one who came up with this whole game-night idea. “Yeah, that’s right…” you hummed to yourself. “The only reason I agreed to this was because I wanted to confess to him…” You buried your blushing face in the blanket. In the very same moment, you felt something strange wrapped around your forehead. Bandages? You tapped the fabric carefully; now it was obvious that it was bandaged. 

“What the hell happened?” It was absolutely annoying, not remembering a single thing. A worn-out sigh left your mouth while you buried your face in the pillow. Your eyelids got heavier, and slowly, you fell asleep again. 

----------------

“No, no, she’s still asleep.” you heard someone talking not too far from you. “I told you, I can take care of her!.. What do you mean I can’t even take care of myself? Don’t joke around, I’m the clown to make puns like this, not you!” You yawned without a sound and rubbed your eyes but the other person in the room noticed it quickly. “Gotta hung up, Sigma.” He threw the phone on the pile of clothes. “My dear Y/N, how are you feeling?” He sat down on the edge of the bed. It was Nikolai. But… Why is he here? And where the hell am I by the way?

“I… I don’t know. My head hurts so much, but…” even talking felt inconvenient. “Hah, what happened?” 

A well-known goofy smile spread across his face. “Well! Quizz time, dove! Which version of the story is true?” He looked relieved that you were awake and hearing your voice put him in a better mood already. “Sigma’s version was something like, hmm, some customers were so jealous of you winning all the matches they accidentally dropped a bottle of wine on your head.” He mimicked Sigma the whole time, even distorted his voice to sound a bit like him. “The better version is mine, of course. Some customers got so mad at your impressive talent in poker that they wanted to destroy your knowledge as soon as possible and hit your pretty head with a bottle.” At the end of his monologue his face became distorted. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get his cool again. “So!” He placed his gaze on you, forcing a foolish smile on again. “Which one do you believe is the truth?”

“I think it’s somewhere in between the two.” Your voice was still creaky but somehow you felt a little better since you knew he was here. He looked pretty much unsatisfied by your answer but it wasn’t the right time for him to persuade you why his version was the real one. “Um, could you tell me where am I?” You tried to sit up but the pain was unbearable and some solid whines left your mouth. Nikolai unconsciously placed his hand on your chest and pushed you lightly back in the bed. His whole upper body was above yours.

“Don’t!” His eyes widened from the worry. “You’re at my apartment…” he muttered lightly and retracted his hands. 

“S-so this means y-you changed m-my clothes?” your face turned cherry red from the thought that Nikolai may have seen you naked. 

“Of course, I couldn’t leave you in those wine soaked clothes.” He smiled self-confidently and didn’t even realized what his words meant to you until he noticed the embarrassed look on your face. His eyebrows frowned before he bursted out laughing. “My, my, you know I got my magical cloak for a reason, do ya?” He placed his palm on your blanketed thighs. “I didn’t see anything.” His eyes were as gentle as ever. “But I can mention that it’s pretty difficult to dress someone down and then back up blindly.” His giggles filled the room. 

You playfully pinched his thighs while a warm smile spread across your face. The discomfort you felt before just disappeared. You didn’t even notice that you fixed your gaze on his face, your eyes exploring every small detail. All of a sudden, Nikolai laid his head down on your legs while a huge, relieving sigh left his mouth. “I’m glad you’re better.” he hummed into the blanket.

Your face flushed again and you felt some comfort and safety wash over you. “You worried a-about me?” every word you said felt insecure. It wasn’t so frequent for Nikolai to worry for someone. Of course, he had human feelings, but he defended himself from these kinds of feelings. 

“Mhm.” He buried his face into the sheets, making you feel even more nervous. “Another quizz! Why do you think I took you to the casino yesterday?” His voice wasn’t as cheerful as before; it was more likely shy now. 

“I don’t know? You told me you wanted to have fun and mess a bit with Sigma, as usual…” You finally felt enough strength in you to sit up, pulling your legs out from under Nikolai’s head. Quickly, he slid up next to you, slightly pushing his body against yours. Your heart skipped a beat from the unexpected closure. His eyes were filled with excitement, but somehow bittersweet. 

He took down the card from his eye to get a better look at you. “Well, surprise! It was all made up! So… do ya wanna know? The real reason?” he leaned really close to your face, his breath brushing your cheeks as he spoke. You could feel the heat radiating off of his body. 

“I would like to.” you couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his mind. The tension between you two was palpable from the first time you met. Was he maybe feeling the same thing you were? 

“Excellent! Excellent!” He clapped his hands like a little child, but then his expression changed in the blink of an eye. He looked more serious than ever. “To tell you the truth… my head is haunting me nowadays, and I can’t really express this weird feeling, since I haven’t had something like this before.” There was a sense of vulnerability in his eyes. He held your hand gently in his. You made him feel like it was okay to let his guard down and trust someone else for once. “Sometimes I feel like I can’t even breathe when you’re away and it’s strange, ya know? I feel like you could drag me through hell and back, I wouldn’t mind at all, as long as I could hold your hand in mine. It’s crazy, ain’t it?” He laughed to himself. You looked into Nikolai’s eyes, and saw a mixture of emotions that you couldn’t quite decipher. 

You were speechless, unsure how to answer to his sudden revelation. The man you were secretly in love with had just declared his own love for you. “What do you mean?” Your hands were sweating, and your heart was beating loudly in your ears. The way he looked at you made you weak to the core. 

“You really don’t get it?” He sighed, his gaze never missing yours. He squeezed your hands and gave you a light peck on your lips, causing your heart to race even faster.

“W-what?” You couldn’t decide at this point if you were awake or still dreaming. You were sure he would never confess his feelings to you. 

“I’m saying I’m under your spell, dove.” He tugged a strand of your hair behind your ears to get a clear look at you. “I think I could sacrifice my freedom if your arms were my cage.” He whispered to you with some bitterness in his voice. “It feels weird, ya know?”

You couldn’t help but feel a warmth spread through your chest at his words. You leaned in and gave him a soft, tender kiss in response to his words. 

“Yes, I know.” You murmured to his lips, savoring his taste on yours. And then all the energy you had before left your body. Your head fell to his shoulders. His hands wrapped around your body and pulled you into his lap, worried. The atmosphere around you felt too comforting, you felt vulnerable in his arms. 

“Are you alright? Do you feel dizzy, angel? Oh my, my, should I call Sigma?” He was troubled by your well-being so much that he even forgot that you did not answer his confession properly. 

You took a deep breath and tried to regain your composure, but the sensation of his warm embrace made it difficult to focus. “No, no, Kolya, it’s okay. It’s just so relieving; I wanted to confess my feelings towards you yesterday too.” You lifted your head and looked directly in his eyes. It was written all over his face that he was surprised by your words, even though he already sensed it. You have never seen him blush like this before. He tightened his arms around you, and buried his face in the careen of your neck. 

“I’ll never let you go, my precious little dove.”

[pocket-watcher]

This is kinda different than what you usually write, but I was thinking a supervillain x assistant where normally the villain hypnotizes people to have them do what he wants, but the assistant doesn't need it cause they're 100% down bad and great with anything he needs them to do. The heroes capture the assistant and tries to break the control/persuade the assistant to leave the villain, but the assistant's like "Why, he's amazing, yes I know he's killed thousands, it's hot and I support him." If you wanted to, you could add a bit where the villain taught them some tricks and they use them on the heroes to escape.

OH. Oh. Okay. Yes!! I think this is excellent. Let me know what you think!

“We know you work for him. We know that you’ve been brainwashed. So, goddamn it, just let us help you!”

“No, thank you.”

The mountain of a man pinched the bridge of his nose. She smiled politely back at him.

“That’s the brainwashing talking. Come on, just ignore her.” Another hero in blue spandex put their hand on his shoulder.

“I assure you, it’s not.” She clarified, not even bothering to test her restraints. No. She wanted Him to come collect her.

“Oh really?” The first man knelt down patronisingly. “So, what? You think you’re actually in love with him? Hah!”

“Yes. I am.”

They all stared blankly before laughing their heads off.

“That’s priceless! You know he’s a murderer, right? Criminal scum.”

“I’m well aware of his actions. If you recall, you’ve forced my hand a few times as well.”

She remembered how worried He had looked at the sight of her bloody. How tenderly He’d cared for her wounds. She let out a wistful sigh.

“Disgusting… she - she’s telling the truth.”

A lie detector power? Intriguing.

“What, no! She’s got to be mind-controlled. Right?” The woman hero said, grimacing.

“I am saying this once so get it through your thick skulls. I am not, nor have I ever been mind controlled to say this: I am in love with Him. Nothing you say or do will ever turn me against Him.”

The sentence sank into their minds.

“…what do we do now?”

She tested the ropes they’d used, remembering what He had taught her. Whilst the heroes discussed amongst themselves she twisted and turned into the knots, loosening it enough to break free.

They turned back. She stood, holding the rope.

“Do you remember when that short one said you should search me for any weapons?”

The heroes took a fighting stance, solely focusing on her.

Not seeing the villain approaching behind them.

“Well, you were right… but I needed to buy some time. What did you call it, Sir? Misdirection?”

They turned too late. The beam hit them one by one. Their eyes glowing a deep green. Struggling, their bodies hunched, before forcible relaxing and standing tall.

“Ah, my dear, you always do help me make the best entrances.”

He parted the heroes like the sea, taking her hand gently and leading her through them.

“Was that a pun, Sir?”

“Not intentionally, but let’s pretend it was.” He looked back at the heroes blank, drooling faces. “Any requests, dear?”

She snapped her fingers. “Attention.”

They turned to her, mindlessly.

“For the next 6 hours you’re all going to act like the mangey mutts you are. Once you’re done with that you’ll upload the security footage of this room for the world to see. Got that?”

The villain smiled at her proudly. “Come on, let’s go home…”

[sirfrogsworth]

The Babylon Bee School of Comedy

Have you ever wanted to make Elon Musk reply to you with a double cry laughing emoji?

If you crave that sweet billionaire validation you need only follow this carefully crafted conservative comedy content creation course for that powerhouse of online satire... The Babylon Bee.

Soon you too could be bootlicking billionaire balls with the rest of The BBee writers.

Are you ready to get your learn on?

Let us Bee-gin.

The number one most important rule that all The BBee writers must internalize to their core...

Conservative comedy abhors effort.

Brainstorming for hours on end to craft the perfect premise and punchline... is for the Libs. Check out this Facebook meme that got 10,000 likes.

Can you order Starbucks from a bar? Doesn't matter, it's a snowflake drink for a snowflake Lib.

Does this joke not have an actual punchline? Doesn't matter, get lost you stupid Lib!

Is this technically a joke by definition? Doesn't matter, if you believe it is a joke, then it's a joke! Just like modern currency.

If you put too much thought into a joke, it might grow in complexity. That could be confusing! The death knell of any conservative joke are the words, "Hmm, that's a thinker."

This brings us to rule number two...

NO THINKERS!

Let's take this Ben Garrison comic as an example.

Spell everything out! Label everything! Don't leave anything to the imagination! If your audience has to figure something out or draw their own conclusions, what fun is that?

Conservatives want to hear things that are familiar. They want their beliefs parroted back at them. You must regurgitate those beliefs and then just make it *sound* like a joke. Don't break new ground or introduce new ideas. Don't get all caught up in interesting wordplay or clever puns or subverting expectations.

All expectations should be fully verted.

That is definitely a word because I saw someone use it on Facebook. End of research.

Here is a helpful tip. If you can't imagine the joke coming out of the mouth of late night comedy genius GUTFELD!, then you need to dial it back a bit. Do not surpass GUTFELD! levels of humor. GUTFELD! is your touchstone.

Oh, GUTFELD! I laughed so hard I FELD it in my GUT.

See, I went too far with my fancy pun. That is not the GUTFELD! way.

But what happens if inspiration is fleeting and you can't pay attention to your comedy writing task because you don't believe ADHD is real and thus you are unmedicated?

Don't you worry. If you do happen to get writer's block or are distracted by a funny Pepe meme or a shiny object, just call your racist uncle and say the magic word... "Bidenflation."

As the ensuing unhinged rant darts from subject to subject without any kind of connecting theme, just start writing down every right wing buzzword you hear. Then just insert those buzzwords Mad Libs-style into a derivative joke format.

Let's practice!

Ex. 1: Why did the PRONOUNS cross the BORDER? To get to the DRAG QUEEN STORY HOUR!

Ex. 2: How many GENDERS does it take to GROOM a lightbulb? Two! One to hold the BUTT PLUG and one to GO WOKE, GO BROKE.

Great start! I'm sure with a polishing pass those will make more sense. Or not. The bar is pretty much "will it get clicks?" so we're not too worried about coherence.

Heh... Mad Libs.

U MAD, LIBS?

Get it? Cuz Libs are always mad? About the normalized bigotry and whatnot.

Jokes are always better when you need to explain them.

Oh! That's another rule. Write that down. Wisdom like this is why I am teaching this course, of course. Hah, that's like that horse show song. I got jokes coming out the wazoo. Wazoo is my butt, right? Siri, is wazoo a butt? Oof, I'm kinda spacing on what the next lesson is.

I really wish Matt Walsh hadn't flushed my Adderall down the crapper.

Can I get a second opinion? Top Gun was so good. What does Tom Cruise think about ADHD? He always has good takes on stuff like this. Did I leave my oven on? Shazam, what song goes doodoo doo doo doooooo? Can you vacuum a yard? Has anyone tried that? That sounds more like a marijuana thought than an ADHD tangent. I should double check the THC content of that cotton candy vape juice.

I'm flyin' off the rails over here.

Matt, are you super duper sure it's not real?

Okay, fine. I'm an "energetic boy."

I hope whichever fish absorbs my meds is extra focused on whatever fish shit he needs to get done.

COMEDY WRITING!

Sometimes it is best to learn through observation. Let's eavesdrop on an actual The BBee writer's room to see how the sausage is made...

"So what did your racist uncle have to say?"

"Well, first he texted me a cameraphone picture of Trump as an astronaut that he wants me to print out cuz he doesn't know what a crypto wallet is... but then he said all the woke schools are turning kids into a bunch of gay commies."

"EUREKA!"

Classic! The BBee writers strike again. I mean, they aren't striking. There is no commie clamoring for a union at The Babylon Bee. That's for damn sure. FOCUS!

Do you get the joke though? With the kids and the gay and the communism?

Because all of those woke schools totally cover complex economic theories in 4th grade and all it takes to turn gay is a little persuasion from a teacher with green hair. Libs of TikTok wouldn't lie about that. End of research.

Look at this public school teacher!

I mean, you knooow she has a litter box in her classroom. I can just sense it. End of research.

Sure... it is just a context-free picture of a person with green hair in front of a flag and you cannot actually judge the quality of their teaching ability from this. But yoouuu knoooooow she is skipping right over grammar lessons and giving detailed instructions on how to turn gay.

Step 1: Look at a bunch of butts. Step 2: Touch a bunch of butts. Step 3: Gay sex a bunch of butts.

(Replace butts with cooches for lesbians.)

Grooming accomplished.

And you definitely shouldn't look up that green-hair'd, nose ring'd educator and research her any further. Extensive research is for the Libs, bro. Because you definitely don't want to discover she is a passionate high school English teacher who makes fun content on TikTok in the hopes that people will buy things off her wishlist so her students will have a better learning experience. I mean, caring about her students? That's so gay.

YoooOOOuuuUUU knnnooooooOOOw she is a bad teacher because she has green hair and a flag. End. Of. Research.

So... you have your gay communist headline that is perfect to get all of those sweet conservative clicks. But you still have a full webpage to fill out with more words and stuff.

Now I want to see if you learned anything from my perfectly focused and informative teachings. I want you to write some jokes about kids becoming gay communists.

Ready? GO!

Joke #1 Little Billy has wealthy parents so all the students will share his cookie at snack time.

Joke #2 At the beginning of the day, students pick a new gender out of a hat but all the kids fight over Attack Helicopter.

Joke #3 At lunch, the students have to stand in a peanut butter and jelly bread line.

Joke #4 The teacher makes the kids take turns combing each others' hair for a grooming session.

Wait a sec... are those... THINKERS?

No no no no no! You made my brain all confused and thinky!

You need to calm down, you overachieving silly billy. You forgot the first rule... NO EFFORT.

Just make the same joke over and over again with slightly different wording. EASY!

Remember the classic final rule of comedy...

Jokes always get funnier the more you repeat them.

Anyway, that's probably enough... joke.

Now let's close this article out!

Maybe we can drop the pretense this is comedic satire and just do some hardcore pandering. Gotta own the Libs, amirite?

Gender theory and drag queens and guns, oh my! That is pure pander-monium.

Just shove those factless tactless Tucker talking points straight down their gullet. They'll forget this was supposed to be funny and shake their fist in the air with exaltation. And it's definitely a great idea to put the thought of gunning down drag queens in their heads. That won't backfire in any way!

Congratulations! You are now ready to "write" for The Babylon Bee.

Please purchase this official Trump NFT certificate for $99 that acknowledges that you have completed this course and have a very poor understanding of what satire actually is.

End of research.