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falseroar · 4 years ago

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Is This Your Card? Part 5: Silver Bullets

((The hunter discusses the possibility of Mark being a werewolf with the others before the district attorney finds a strange note and the mayor issues a challenge.

Links to Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4, and a link to the masterlist for the whole au.))

Abe swore under his breath while the chef did not feel the need to hold back as he began to rage that he wasn’t paid enough for this.

He tried not to look at the attorney as he straightened up, or at whatever expression the mayor had on his face right now, trying to focus instead on what this might mean.

“I assure you, Master Markiplier was not a werewolf,” Benjamin said, his calming hand outstretched toward the chef in particular, who just batted it away. “I am fairly sure one of the staff would have noticed that.”

“Except Mark was firing people left and right, wasn’t he?” Abe found his mouth moving on autopilot, just as it had when he first saw Mark’s body and turned on the attorney. The idea then had been the same as whenever he came across a witness—accuse anyone of murder, and they’ll start spouting off all they know if it means clearing themselves. Or that was the theory he generally went by, but instead the attorney had just seemed more closed and withdrawn than normal, their eyes so distant he wasn’t sure they even heard him then. Maybe, in retrospect, accusing someone of killing their best friend while they were still in shock might not have been the most tactful thing he had ever done.

Now he doubted he was helping much, even as he pushed forward with his current line of thought. “There’s barely anyone left on the staff now, isn’t that right?”

“Well, correct, we’re down to three at the moment, but Chef and I are still here most of the time. And even if Master Markiplier has been less…inclined to socializing lately—”

“You mean locked up in his bedroom half the day,” the chef interrupted with a scoff. “Man could be doing anything up there for all I care, so long as he paid me. Guess that’s out of the window now.”

“Mark was not a werewolf,” the mayor said, his voice straining with emotion. “We don’t even know who sent those cards or why! Why should we believe anything they say?”

An uncomfortable silence went around the room, and Abe thought of his own pair of cards tucked away deep within his jacket. The knowledge that he wasn’t the only one to receive a second card wasn’t as comforting as it could have been.

“Man, I’m just glad I didn’t get one of them death cards,” Chef muttered under his breath, only to immediately glance at the attorney when he realized what he had said aloud.

For their part, they didn’t acknowledge the remark. Instead, apparently still thinking of what Damien had said, they asked, “The box those cards were sent in, where is it?”

“It should still be in the dining room,” Benjamin said, a tinge of embarrassment in his voice as he added, “I’m afraid that I haven’t had the time to fully clean the house as I should, there have been so many…distractions this morning.”

“Yeah, I’d call finding out your boss has been murdered one hell of a distraction,” Abe muttered, unsure if anyone heard him over yet another round of thunder and lightning. “Now why don’t we have another look at that package?”

He led the way, pausing only once when he noticed the figure sitting alone in a darkened room, the shapes of plush chairs and hanging curtains suggesting a home theater of some kind, but Damien broke away from the group first with a murmur about having a word with the Colonel. Abe shrugged and continued on, glad he wasn’t the one who had to have that conversation.

In the dining room, Benjamin went to the side table and picked up the box, which he handed over to the attorney. Abe had to admit he had expected the butler to hand it to him, but he managed to hide his irritation if only because he probably would have handed it over to them in private, if for no other reason than to see what they could pick up.

Looking for it, he saw their nostrils flare as they looked over the outside of the box, pausing on the label that Mark showed the table last night, before frowning as they gave the box a slight shake.

“There’s something else in here.” They opened the box and turned one of the flaps out to reveal a piece of paper stuck to the underside, which fluttered with the movement but did not let go of the cardboard until they pulled it free. “Mark must have missed it when he opened the package last night.”

Their eyes skimmed over the short note before handing it over to Abe, allowing him to see that it was a series of lines typewritten much like the notes on the cards.

“Well, what’s it say?” Chef asked impatiently, and against Abe’s better judgment he began to read aloud.

“The cards have been dealt, the game has already begun. Whether you choose to play your hand or not, fate has already decided which chambers are loaded.” Abe turned the note over, but there was nothing else on the back to help explain. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Loaded chambers, sounds like Russian roulette to me.”

Abe spun around to see the Colonel standing at the door, the Mayor at his shoulder.

The Colonel shrugged at the expressions on the other faces in the room and said, “It was just the first thing that came to mind. What kind of game are we supposed to be playing then? I do hope it’s not Jumanji, took me ages to get out of that one.”

For someone who just found out his friend was dead, the Colonel seemed surprisingly blasé about this whole affair, Abe thought to himself. Then again, the man had seen enough death and undeath on the battlefield that maybe it took more than that to rattle him these days. Still…

“Clearly, the game of some sick and twisted individual,” Benjamin answered. “They must have planted the accusation in Master Mark’s envelope in the hopes that one or all of us might turn on him.”

“Well, whoever did it didn’t know what they were dealing with if that’s the case,” Abe said. When everyone stared at him, he felt the need to explain, “When I was examining the body, I found signs that Mark had been stabbed 37 times, poisoned, beaten, strangled, drowned, and then shot, in that order. Not exactly the way to go about it if you knew you were about to take on a werewolf.”

“Mark was a werewolf?!” the Colonel shouted. “Why, don’t be absurd! Where would you get a ridiculous idea like that?”

“Mark’s card,” Chef said, while Abe flashed the card in question. “We found it on him. But maybe the killer didn’t know, and that’s why they had to go through all that other stuff before the silver bullet finally put him down.”

“And they somehow had time to try all of that against a werewolf?” Benjamin asked. He raised his hands, gloved palms up, in a shrug. “Is it just me, or is this making less sense the more we learn about this situation?”

“Or mayhaps we are making this more complicated than it need be,” the Mayor said, his voice betraying an effort to keep his emotions in check. “Silver bullets are not exactly common.”

Suddenly, every eye in the room was on Abe, and not in the good way.

He felt the heat rise to his cheeks as he said, “Oh, sure, blame the monster hunter. Even if I had a motive, which I don’t—”

Chef cleared his throat and gestured towards the “Werewolf” card still in Abe’s hand.

“Please, like I would waste time with all of that other stuff if I wanted to kill a werewolf,” Abe scoffed. “Rule number one for dealing with werewolves: go straight for the silver.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the District Attorney wince and pinch the bridge of their nose with a sigh.

Right. Maybe that didn’t come out like he wanted it to.

“All the same, if everyone here who happens to possess a gun would be so kind to show their ammunition?” The mayor’s eyes were burning in to Abe now, but the hunter didn’t blink. He’d faced far deadlier stares than the glare of an elected official. Metaphorically and literally deadly, in the case of that one Gorgon who really didn’t handle rejection well.

“You know what? Fine. Colonel, anyone else here got a weapon?”

There were head shakes around the room, except for the chef who for some reason looked at the ladle he brought with him from the kitchen as though considering it for a moment.

“Never bothered with silver bullets myself,” the Colonel said as he pulled out his own gun, the same one he’d been waving around willy-nilly last night. “Homo necrosis, any kind of bullet will do, or a baseball bat if you’re feeling cheeky.”

“They’re expensive,” Abe agreed as he pulled his gun out of its holster. “That’s why I only use them when I have to, otherwise the ones I have on hand stay in a case I keep in my jacket.”

Both men unloaded their guns at the same time in front of everyone, revealing five bullets and one empty chamber each. In the palms of their hands, the ten silver bullets gleamed as they caught the light.

((End of Part 5. Thank you for reading!

Link to Part 6.

Tagging: @silver-owl413 @skyewardlight @withjust-a-bite @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @weirdfoxalley @95fangirl @lilalovesinternet-l @thepoolofthedead @a-bit-dapper @randomartdudette @geekymushroom @cactipresident @hotcocoachia @purple-anxiety-blog @shyinspiredartist @avispate @missksketch ))

#markiplier #fanfiction #wkm au #werewolf au #monster hunter au #wkm detective #wkm district attorney #wkm mayor #wkm colonel #had to work that jumanji reference in somewhere #honestly though #the game is literally just the werewolf game + clue #with a missing card

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lastsonlost · 5 years ago

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Oh gasps, I'm shocked.

Who would have thunk it?

The story:

Updated with Sunday figures: In the wake of Terminator: Dark Fate’s failure at the B.O., and Paramount’s recent decision to make Beverly Cops 4 for Netflix, we have the further breakdown of cinema IP in Sony’s Charlie’s Angels reboot, which is tanking with a God-awful $8.6M domestic opening, $27.9M worldwide (from 26 markets), 3 Stars on Screen Engine-Comscore’s PostTrak, and a B+ Cinemascore.

The Elizabeth Banks-directed-written and produced pic is also opening in 27 offshore markets,

China being one where it’s also bombing,

with a $7.8M 3-day take in third place behind No. 1 local title Somewhere Winter ($13.1M).

All of this is primed to further spur a WTF reaction and anxiety among film development executives in town in regards to what the hell exactly works in this have-and-have-not era of the theatrical marketplace. Many will make the hasty generalization that old, dusty IP doesn’t work, or is now deemed too risky when it’s not a superhero project. However, moviemaking is an art, not a science, and annoying as it might sound, good movies float to the top, and this Charlie’s Angels reboot didn’t have the goods going back to its script.

<Maybe somebody should have been working on a good story instead of pushing an agenda.

We’re going to break down for you what went wrong in another graph, but we don’t want to bury the success of Disney’s release of Fox’s James Mangold-directed Ford v Ferrari, which looks to be coming in at $31.5M, well ahead of the $20M+ many were seeing, with an awesome A+ CinemaScore and 4 1/2 stars and a 68% definite recommend on Screen Engine/Comscore’s PostTrak. After a franchise-laden summer which buried originals, now an original pic is sticking it to the IP.

When it comes to the bombing of Charlie’s Angels, the takeaway is this is what happens when you have IP, but there’s no reason for telling the story.

In the walk-up to developing Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, and in the wake of its near $1 billion success, a fever broke out at the Culver City lot in the post-Amy Pascal era to reboot former Sony franchises or extend them, i.e. Zombieland: Double Tap (well over $103M at the global B.O. now), the upcoming Bad Boys 3, and, of course, Spider-Man, the latter electrified by Disney’s Marvel. Development studio executives define their being by getting films greenlit, and whenever that happens, it’s 90% of the job.

And the pressure is on to fill a 10-12 picture annual slate in a world where Disney vacuums up all the best IP. A third Charlie’s Angels with McG directing and Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu starring, wasn’t made immediately after the second chapter, 2003’s Full Throttle, as the sequel turned out to be 29% more expensive than the 2000 original at $120M, and also made less worldwide, $259.1M to $264.1M. With Elizabeth Banks coming off her hot feature directorial debut with Universal’s Pitch Perfect 2 (which over-indexed in its stateside opening at the B.O., going from $50M projections to $69.2M, and finaled global at $287.1M); after she expressed interest in September 2015 in taking on a Charlie’s Angels reboot with a modern feminist spin, there was no question in Sony’s mind that the project should move forward.

<Yeah Sony, how's that working out for you? You think they would have learned their lesson...

Guess not.

Back to the story.....

However, there were script problems, I hear, that could never be resolved. A few months after Banks boarded, Evan Spiliotopoulos came on to write. By the time cast was assembled in July 2018, Banks had penned the latest draft off a script by Jay Basu (The Girl in the Spider’s Web), and earlier drafts by Craig Mazin and Semi Chellas. Andrea Giannetti oversaw the project on the lot. However, I hear that the script for Charlie’s Angels didn’t really attract top talent, i.e. Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Margot Robbie (a trio that would have potentially jazzed up business). Hence, why the production opted to go with largely a fresh face cast outside of Kristen Stewart. While we overwrite that stars mean nothing at the box office, they do, sometimes, when it comes to propping IP, and unfortunately and arguably, no one in Middle America knows who British actress Ella Balinska is, and they’ve only became recently acquainted with Naomi Scott from Disney’s Aladdin and Lionsgate’s Power Rangers. Stewart, who is hysterical in the movie and even needed more funny bits, is in a different place in her career professionally, publicly, and privately. It’s unfair to think that she could delver her Twilight��fans now.

Had she done Charlie’s Angels promptly in the swell of the Twilight whirlwind (like Snow White and the Huntsmen) then maybe it would have popped.

But she has largely been dormant from popcorn wide releases for the last seven years since 2012’s Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, busy excelling and wowing in specialty awards season and festival fare like Clouds of Sils Maria, Still Alice, and this year’s Seberg, to name a few. Stewart needed to be paired with equal or bigger-name actresses.

was a one quadrant movie, eyed at women 13-39, especially given its lack of action scenes, and wisely limited their exposure to what I hear is 50%, with co-finance partners 2.0 Entertainment and Perfect World. Sony claims the budget is $48M net; we’ve heard in the mid $50Ms. Tax incentives were taken in the pic’s Berlin and Hamburg shoots. Perhaps Sony should have spent more, because Charlie’s Angels biggest problem is that it has very low-octane, we’ve-seen-it-all-before action scenes. Heck, there’s more action in a 1980s Chuck Norris movie. After watching Charlie’s Angels earlier this week, I put the first two McG movies on Netflix, and it was like watching Star Wars in comparison to this reboot, with his sharp production design, camera movements, unique action, and comedy set pieces, and, of course, the first movie blasted Sam Rockwell out of a cannon. Understand that the first two movies in the series were able to compete and hold their own in an action space where, yes, Mission: Impossible and Fast & Furious (the first two films came out in 2001 and 2003) also thrived. Mission and Fast sequels distinguish themselves on multiple 10-minute action sequences that we’ve never seen before on screen; it doesn’t matter who the villain is. This Charlie’s Angels doesn’t have that. And not even a super-duper hit song “Don’t Call Me Angel” for the movie from Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Ray can trigger lines at the multiplex; the music video clocking over 116M views on YouTube, per entertainment social media monitor RelishMix.

Some will claim that Banks’ version was never intended to emulate the meat and potatoes version of McG’s films; that this version was expected to be more comedic, and more feminist. Unfortunately, after McG set the table here with the franchise as an action film, you can’t reverse it. You can only outdo him. And with a franchise movie like Charlie’s Angels, you can’t make it for a one quadrant audience.

The film arrived on tracking with a $12M-$13M start, and really never budged, but sank. That means marketing didn’t work. I heard that a $100M global P&A was first planned on Charlie’s Angels, with the studio now reducing that overall cost greatly to around $50M and pulling back on expensive ads. Another hurdle in activating the young girl demo is that much of the pic’s cast isn’t on social media. RelishMix says that Banks is the social media star with over 6.6M followers across Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, with Scott counting 3.4M.

Sony kept pushing Charlie’s Angels, which in hindsight means there were development issues. In May 2017, a release date was announced for June 7, 2019. When the cast was locked down in July 2018, Charlie’s got moved to Sept. 27, 2019. In October 2018 when Warners pushed Wonder Woman 1984 from the first weekend in November to summer, Charlie‘s took over the autumn spot, which was the same exact place the original 2000 opened. However, when Terminator: Dark Fate moved onto the same first weekend in November, Charlie‘s relocated to this weekend as they vied for a China release which they ultimately got.

Charlie’s Angels drew a 66% female crowd, split between 36% over 25 and 30% under 25. But both demos respectively graded it low at 68% and 79%, with men at 35% giving it a 68% grade on PostTrak. Diversity breakdown was 52% Caucasian, 21% Hispanic, 14% Asian/Other, & 13% African American. Charlie’s Angels best markets were on the coasts and big cities. But again, nothing to brag about in Friday’s $3.2M gross, which includes $900K from Thursday and Wednesday previews.

Says RelishMix, which also foresaw this disaster approaching on social media chatter, “Angels is the latest example in a ‘woke’ effort to reboot a franchise that many were not all that interested in to start with. In fact, many references to the 2000 version get a call-out as a reason this one doesn’t seem to compare – whether it’s the cast or the action teased from the film.

And, as observed with other recent films, some action/adventure, unfortunately fans say they’re steering clear of this one because of its ‘girl power’ messaging.”

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professorprophetess · 6 years ago

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Analysis

Why “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” worked where other video game themed movies fell short”

Jumanii: Welcome to the Jungle was not met with any sort of optimism whenever the sequel to the beloved Robin Williams movie was announced following the actor’s death. Yet despite all misgivings this movie turned out to be better than one might expect it to be, even standing its own and paying many moments of homage to the prior film. It managed to be a video game movie that actually worked, and that mostly comes from how it embraced its concept whereas other game movies tend to try too hard to take those half-real incoherences out of the equation and it more often than not weakens what is being attempted. In contrast I’ll be referencing these other movies: Spy Kids 3: Game Over and Ready Player One as well to compare and contrast how well each films handles their game elements.

First a few definition of terms might help those who are not as versed in the terminology as I am or as other game scholars might be. Whenever I say Incoherence, I am of course referencing Jesper Juul’s Half-Real. In it, these things are basically those parts of video games that are non-diagetic but are part of gameplay. The UI, the menus, the rules, the loading screens, the world maps, etc. It’s one of those reasons straight video game adaptations have such a hard time because a large part of what is going on with the game is those non-diagetic elements (Juul 121-162). I may also refer to certain games as MMO, MMORPG or just RPGs and while I know many know what those abbreviations stand for, I’ll spell them out right now. An MMORPG is a Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game whereas MMO is just to refer to any large game that is online. RPG is simply a Role Playing Game. Any game that has classes to choose from and the party system are generally RPGs. There are other types of abbreviations for games but for the games being discusses, these are the three most pertinent. The final abbreviation is VR or Virtual Reality.

I will start with the oldest film of the three: Spy Kids 3: Game Over. Its central conceit is child spy Junie Cortez had retired from spy work because he was feeling inadequate and just wanted to do something else with his life. Then the maker of a new VR MMO game turned out to secretly be an evil mastermind. They had sent another spy kid into the game but her mind had been trapped by him somewhere in it. Since the other spy kid is his older sister Carmen, Junie has no choice but to enter the game world and go after his sister and save the world while he was at it. In the end, the villain is stopped by Junie and then the virtual monsters somehow end up in the real world with the climax being that the mecha monsters are stopped by Junie and his family (Spy Kids 3). As far as video game adaptation movies go, this and the other films don’t technically count since the games in their plots aren’t real. However, Spy Kids 3 doesn’t also seem all that concerned as to how its central game’s rules work. Sometimes they’ll throw in the gaming concept of mini-games to advance —the robot fights, the racing game, the duel, I can only think of a few times where they faced monsters. Only three times did their life points count—the robot fight, the duel, and when the guy got blown up—. Emails are mentioned but it’s never shown how they exchange them aside from an awkward mimed handoff. Then there is the power up the bad guy gives Junie’s Grandpa AKA his old friend. These items, and the few elements of game play rules are there but they’re not really anything other than a plot point here or a beat there. They’re not central to how the plot is resolved nor how the story is playing out beyond a few bumps in their path to the climax. In fact the film version of incoherence AKA breaking the fourth wall plays more of a role with the climax as the 3-D glasses are used to see the monsters once they get into the real world. They’re not called those in the film but it is very clear with how they look that they are 3D glasses. Still, while it doesn’t resist the incoherences, it merely accepts them as a fact of a game movie and moves on (Juul 121-162, Spy Kids 3).

The next film I’ll look at is Ready Player One. Unlike Spy Kids 3, Ready Player One’s VR world isn’t actually an MMO. The OASIS is actually an internet interface that has many gameified elements to it (Ready Player One). In this film, the inventor of the OASIS died without any heirs about ten years before the start of the main plot and then added an extra gameified element to the OASIS. He left behind an Easter Egg Hunt for the whole of the OASIS’s user base to find. Winner takes the whole OASIS for themselves. This set off a bunch of people pouring over the things he loved in his life to see what kind of Easter eggs he hid to find the clues to get to that final prize. The hero, Wade, is a major Halliday—the OASIS creator—fanboy and finally manages to crack the code to get through the first challenge. From there, the race is on against his fellow gamers and Sorento the menacing head of a company that—should they get control—would make the VR world of the OASIS a pop-up filled nightmare. For the most part the rules of the game are not as important as the rules of the real world, as Sorento being the generic corporate villain that he is uses in game data to find the offline ID’s of the leaderboard to threaten them or, in one case, kills Wade’s not-all-that-lamented Aunt and Uncle as well as a bunch of innocent people who also lived in his trailer house stack (Ready Player One). Item inventories and passwords play a large role in the movie’s outcome as well as an extra life and the rules of the various mini games and challenges the players go through, but beyond that, I wouldn’t say the incoherences are ever used to anyone’s advantage beyond a plot device moment with that extra life Wade got from the Archivist (who turned out not to be just an NPC but an actual user avatar after all: the ex-best friend of Halliday) (Juul 121-162, Ready Player One). Ready Player One was far more concerned with pop-culture references than it was anything else. This doesn’t detract from things but it is what it is.The gameified OASIS of the movie with its customizable avatars is interesting but doesn’t seem particularly efficient for anyone just trying to use the internet for data sharing or business. In fact it seems like it has a lot of wasted features to look cool instead of be functional. If it were a straight up VR MMO, that would make sense but here it creates more issues. Ultimately, the incoherences are there but not super important more than item collection—the keys and Wade’s 1-Up—,the moment where they steal Sorento’s password, and the chase scene at the end where the real-world jerking about it making it hard for Wade to get to his goal. Never once do they seem to be anything anyone—except the bad guys—can take advantage of and even then it was more by accident than design (Juul 121-162, Ready Player One).

I saved Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle for last. In the original film, Jumanji was just a board game. A possessed board game but a board game none-the-less. Yet, its rules affected the whole plot of that first film. That first film ends with two of its Protagonists, Allan Parrish and Sarah Williams, throwing it into a river for it to get washed away in the year 1969 (after having been adults in 1995 for most of the film’s plot). There is a post credit scene where two girls speaking French come across it on a beach (Jumanji). Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle opens with a man jogging along a beach and finding the game in the year 1996, one year after a majority of the plot of Jumanji took place. He picks it up, takes it home, and tosses it on his sleeping teenage son, Alex, who remarks “who even plays board games anymore?” While he plays his vaguely Atari 2600-esque console, the game magically changes into a cartridge version of Jumanji. Alex picks it up and puts it in. The next that is seen is a flash of green light. The movie jumps ahead and now it’s 2017. The movie introduces our four new teenage protagonists as four types of teenagers: the wimpy nerd, the lazy too-cool-for-school jock, the introverted awkward girl, and the self-absorbed, selfie-obsessed, popular, pretty girl. Also, the father of the Alex is re-introduced and the consequences of his disappearance have made him a wary, angry man. The four kids all get in trouble and land in detention; pretty girl Beth for being on the phone in class, Awkward girl Martha for mouthing off, and the boys Nerdy Spencer and Jock Anthony “Fridge” are in trouble because Spencer helped Fridge cheat on his homework. They find the old-quasi Atari console with its very Nintendo looking controllers and decide to turn it on to play Jumanji. It is shown to look like it’s an old school RPG for four players that can each choose from different characters to play. After pressing start, they all get sucked into the game and become their characters. Spencer becoming the handsome Dr. Bravestone, Fridge becoming the comically small “Mouse” Finnbar, Martha becoming the sexy Ruby Roundhouse, and Beth becoming the male Dr. Shelly Oberon (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle). The first instance of game incoherence being part of the actual plot is when they get into the game and Beth dies but comes back because the extra life system. They meet a helpful—to a point—NPC named Nigel who fills them in (enabling a flashback cutscene) which is even explained by Spencer to the others. He gives them the item they need to finish the game as well as warnings about the bad guy they’re running from/racing to the center of Jumanji and drives off repeating his voice lines. A nice touch, as after they’re done with any sort of major speaking, NPCs do repeatedly say the same thing due to programming (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). The next incoherence is ability UIs that can be displayed by pressing their names on their outfits, and that Bethany being the character who is the cartographer is the only one who can use the map-item. Along the way, Fridge’s back-pack is an inventory for weapons that shouldn’t reasonably fit in it and the group has special attacks they can activate once conditions are met, like Martha using Ruby’s fighting skills or Spencer using Bravestone’s weapons(Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). Other touches where the game incoherences are woven into the plot are when NPC’s only talk to Spencer’s Bravestone, shortcuts across the whole world from the bazaar to the jungle house of Allan Parrish, and the NPC guardsmen whom Martha has to distract with a radio that conveniently is there for here to use her character’s dance fighting with. Then there is the scene where Alex, who has been in the game since 1996, is almost game-overed permanently but Beth transfers an extra life to him. Finally, there is the climax of the film where Martha as Ruby uses one of her extra lives to get to the top of the giant Jaguar mountain where the stone needs to go to win Jumanji, because characters respawn in this world by dropping from the sky. She purposefully uses her character’s weakness to snakes to get to the sky and she slaps the stone into Spencer’s hand so he can end the game(Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162). This leads to them winning once he yells Jumanji and the kids are free to go. They leave school and see that Alex was sent back to 1996 and his family’s house is no longer the dilapidated mess but is now warm and full of life. The kids move on and the movie ends with them at school the next day smashing the console with a bowling ball and the credits roll. At no point were the rules of the game they were in ever ignored and as mentioned the characters of the movie were even able to use those rules to their advantage whether it be getting through the world faster via a shortcut or using how the characters respawn to get around the bad guy. It wove these in well and that is why, of the three films here, it implemented its game aspects the best. There were still moments where the movie deviated—since we would see what the villain was up-to from time to time—but otherwise it stuck to keeping the rules consistent (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Juul 121-162).

Jumanji: Weclome to the Jungle was a film I had very low expectations for and not only did it exceed those expectations, it very cleverly used parts of gaming that other films ignore —unless they have to deal with them—to their full advantage for the plot line. Spy Kids 3 and Ready Player One didn’t ignore these aspects per-say but they did not fully embrace them as Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle did. By doing things the way they did, the writers of Jumanji were able to side-step a lot of the problems movies with video games in them could run into while attempting to make an engaging video game based narrative. The other two films attempted this same tactic but with varying levels of success. Video games are hard to adapt, and that is just a consequence of their inherent interactive status. The player’s interactivity affects how the game is to them. Adaptations take this out and lose part of the game. What Jumanji ultimately did that the others didn’t was make it feel like this was a game someone could play and showed how it would be played. The others did not. That was why they fell short.

Sources:

Jumanji. Directed by Joe Jonhston, performances by Robin Williams, Kirsten Dunst, Bonnie Hunt, and Bradley Pierce, TriStar Pictures, 1995.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. Directed by Jake Kasdan, performances by Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan, Kevin Hart , and Jack Black, Sony Pictures, 2017.

Juul, Jesper. Half-Real. MIT Press, 2005. pg 121-162.

Ready Player One. Directed by Stephen Spielberg, performances by Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, and Ben Mendelsohn, Warner Bros, 2018.

Spy Kids 3: Game Over. Directed by Robert Rodriguez, performances by Daryl Sabara, Alexa PenaVega, and Antonio Banderas, Dimension Studios, 2003.

#academic paper #jumanji 2017 #jumanji #spy kids 3 #ready player one

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plus-size-reader · 6 years ago

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She isn’t You

Alex Vreeke x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 1914 words

Warnings:none

Summary: Reader plays Jumanji with her boyfriend Alex as Valencia Stonehut, who is much more what of who she wants to be than herself. She wants to stay in the game, so she and Alex argue.

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Jumanji played by different rules but deep down it was all the same. There were the good guys and the bad guys, there were a set of appropriate actions for each situation you found yourself in and Alex was no fun in either world. You preferred life in Jumanji from the moment you landed in the grass. Back in the real world you were a chunky dork who hid from the sun and geeked out over the most mundane movie references, but not in Jumanji. In Jumanji you became Valencia Stonehut, a charismatic fighter with great people skills and a heart of gold. Life in the game was everything you’d ever wanted, so why was he so desperate to get back to spending all his time in his room, blasting metal and hiding out far away from what life really had to offer him? Out here he could really be someone fantastic but all he ever talked about was finishing the levels and going home. “I don’t get it Alex, isn’t it better here?” you asked, choosing to ignore the fact that he was currently mixing a margarita instead of paying attention to what you had to say. It was understandable that he was freaking out, you two had been wasting lives like crazy trying to figure this place out but as long as you were careful, you’d be fine.

“It isn’t that easy Y/N, if we die in here, we die out there” he explained for what had to have been the fourteenth time since touching down. You understood that, what you didn’t understand was why in the world he cared so much. There wasn’t any immediate threat to your lives as long as you were together in the hut, but apparently that wasn’t enough for him. “We aren’t going to die Alex, we’re fine...there’s nothing dangerous out here” you reasoned, you were desperate to stay in Jumanji as long as possible, nothing else was going to change that, not even Alex’s logic.

Alex scoffed at that, pouring the margaritas as best he could while being sufficiently upset with you at the same time. The two of you had been a mostly-functional couple for a few years now but nothing had ever tested you like this game was, and you were doubtful that anything ever would again...assuming you got out of here like he wanted. “You know that’s not true, besides what about life out there? What about senior prom?” he asked, that familiar look in his eyes as he studied your face, he cared for you so much but you were wrong this time, and you needed to realize that. “Life out there sucks Alex, it’s the worst...I will never be this good out there” you groaned, gesturing down to your perfectly sculpted body, focusing on your flat middle that you never thought was possible. Sure, you weren’t exactly you but you could be eventually, you could become Valencia...and you could live her life here with Alex by your side.

“This good?! What are you talking about? This isn’t you, she isn’t you” he barked, gesturing wholeheartedly down to you. He hated this version of you, she was good looking sure but she wasn’t what he wanted...she wasn’t you. Alex was in love with the chubby, smart mouthed little nerd he’d started playing the game with in the first place. “She’s better than me Alex, even you’ve got to see that” you huffed, throwing down your things and storming out of the hut. You heard Alex follow you but didn’t bother stopping until you were far enough away that you could be sure he wasn’t going to find you.

That was when everything started going downhill. You were sitting by a tree one night, staring up into the stars and thinking about everything Alex had said. He couldn’t have been telling the truth about Valencia could he? How is it possible that he didn’t prefer her to the way you normally looked, she was tall,blonde and more fit than most models-he’d have had to’ve been blind not to realize how perfect she was. “Why the long face?” a masculine and somewhat menacing voice called, scaring you out of your skin. You turned towards it with your hand clasped to your chest, your heart beating wildly beneath it.

“You scared me half to death” you started, your eyes going wide the moment you realized it wasn’t Alex doing some creepy Bobby Cannavale impression. The man standing there was tall, had dark hair and striking eyes. If you didn’t know better, you’d have thought that he was the villain...luckily, you didn’t seem to know better. “Who are you?” you asked, standing from the root of the tree to get a better vantage point on the man, he couldn’t have been as intimidating when you were standing eye-to-eye. He chuckled, his voice deep and dark in the back of his throat as he admired you “They call me Van Pelt around here, but you can call me whatever you want” he muttered, trying his hardest to remain approachable though it was much harder to do than he would have originally anticipated. “Van Pelt...don’t you have a first name?” Your voice held a certain confidence to it that you’d never heard, but it wasn’t a bad thing by any means.

Again, he laughed, offering you a hand which you hesitated to take. You didn’t know anything about him or where he came from but you were in a spiteful mood, so you did so against your better judgement. If Alex was so ready to go home, then he was going to have to do it without you. You later learned that Van Pelt’s first name was Russell and he wasn’t exactly the good guy as far as all Jumanji was concerned. The more time you spent with him, the more furious with Alex you became, and the more distant.

He looked for you everywhere but you were nowhere to be found. Eventually he assumed the worst, that you’d been eaten by some wild cat or fallen into the river so he stopped his search. Time worked differently in the game but if there was one thing Alex was sure of, it was that he hadn’t seen you in a very long time. Somewhere further down the map, you were sitting alongside Van Pelt at his dinner table, your hand clasped around his own as he talked through his plan to take over Jumanji. You didn’t particularly care about his evil plans exactly, but what you really cared about was staying in the game and as far as you were concerned, Russell was your best bet to do just that.

There wasn’t a night that you didn’t worry about Alex, or think about what he must have been doing but you couldn’t make yourself go back there. No one was going to take your new life from you, even if it meant bearing with Van Pelt and all of his buffoons.

It wasn’t until you saw him, standing across that market that you realized just how much you’d missed him. Of course you missed him, he was the love of your life and not even a disagreement could change that. He wasn’t alone, meaning that he’d finally found the other players...he was going to go home. There was a part of you that was hoping he wasn’t going to notice you, and just keep going but that only lasted a few minutes. Eventually, you had to give up the rouse, you didn't belong in the game, no matter how much you wanted to be-you weren’t Valencia Stonehut, and nothing was going to change that.

“Y/N!” You weren’t sure what to do, you should have kept up the facade, you should have turned away from him and ran in the other direction but you couldn’t make yourself do it. If you left him now, you ran the risk that he would never come back-that you would never see him again. “Alex, they’re coming...you guys have to get out of here” you whisper-yelled, clearly upset with the fact he was wandering around, wasting time talking to you instead of getting somewhere safe. “I thought you died, I missed you so much” he muttered, throwing his arms around your neck, pulling you into him against your better judgement.

He hadn’t seen you for what felt like years and there was no way for him to keep his hands to himself. You were really afraid of what would happen to him if you didn’t get out of here quickly, after all-you both were down to your last life. “There’s plenty of time for that, we have to go now” you urged, taking his hands in your own and dragging him off toward where the others were already standing, waiting for you both. None of the other players had ever seen you before but it was clear by how friendly you were being that you two knew each other.

“Who’s this? Who’re you? Seriously, who’s the chick?” the avatar you recognized as Mouse Finbar kept asking, his focus solely on you as you all ran through the bazar. Everyone of you chose to ignore him, in favor of trying not to die but through everything, Alex’s hand stayed clasped around your own. He was afraid that if he let you go, you would disappear again. Eventually you were all safe, out of Van Pelt’s grasp by the stream. You found Alex sitting on a rock on the side of the bank, and while you’d have much rather gone the easier route by ignoring him completely, you knew you couldn't do that any longer.

“Hey” Your voice was quiet and unsteady as you sat beside him, his eyes stayed focused in front of him but you noticed how his frame relaxed as you spoke. “I get it if you don’t want to talk to me, but I’m sorry” you tried, it was by no means meant to fix the situation but you were hoping it would at least calm the air between you both. Alex said nothing, turning his head toward you. You were staring into the dirt, your bottom lip secured between your teeth in that same nervous way you always did. Your avatar had changed since he’d last seen you, your hair was tied up and you had warpaint streaked down your face.

“You don’t have to be sorry, I get it” he assured, wrapping his arm around your shoulder to hold you into his muscular frame. You knew that you should have kept your distance from him after all this time but you couldn’t do it, you’d missed him. “No, It was stupid to think I could actually stay here, we have to go home Alex, we don’t belong here” your voice was muffled in his shoulder but he heard you loud and clear. He could finally breathe a sigh of relief,he didn’t have to worry about you taking off and leaving him again but more importantly, he didn’t have to worry about you getting hurt anymore. “I love you Y/N” he grinned, pressing a kiss to your forehead. For the first time in years, you weren’t afraid of not being perfect, because you knew that when he said that, he was talking about the real you instead of Valencia-Alex didn’t love her, he loved you.

#jumanji #jumanji x ps reader #jumanji x plus size reader #alex #alex x reader #alex x ps reader #alex x plus size reader #alex vreeke #alex vreeke x ps reader #alex vreeke x plus size reader

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jejublr · 7 years ago

Text

Super!Woozi

A/N: Did someone say Super!Woozi?? Because I’m here to deliver ;) omg Nat stop. I’M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG T^T Here’s something an anon requested and the AU update @mansaeboysbe asked for bazillion years ago. This one is suuuuper long to make up for it so I hope you all enjoy! This story is such a hot mess tbh. Also this gif of Jihoon is exactly what this fic is all about.

You thought Jihoon would be a hero?? lmao think again

Bc I think he’d be the perfect villain

Ok not really but hear me out

Jihoon would be some kind of a genius mastermind ok?

If you think that’s not a superpower, you’re wrong

You can say he’s some kind of a technopath bc this guy can literally build anything tech-y out of everything

For example, he made his first weapon at the age of five. fIVE.

Like what was i even doing at the age of five?? my only accomplishment by then was being the champion in a cracker-eating competition during independence day celebration smh

I’m so proud of it tho so y’all can fight me if you disagree

He can also manipulate most forms of technology

He can turn off lights without having to switch it off, manipulate computer data, he can hack into cyber systems, restore information and break computer codes

He could’ve done much worse but since he never had any form of training since he first discovered his power, his power is pretty underdeveloped

Nonetheless, technopath!Woozi is still super powerful, even with his limitations

Supervillain!Jihoon would wear some kind of a black suit with some cool-ass tool belt strapped on his hips for his tinkering needs

Definitely no spandex and absolutely no capes

We hear ya, Edna

He’d wear the typical black mask and his red hair would be a stark contrast against his dark ensemble

I live for red-haired Woozi

He also got these cool gauntlets on his wrist and he can shoot out sedatives, tear gas pellets, tasers, grappling hooks, a radio transmitter and explosives

Woozi also got his own personal A.I. assistant

Think of it like J.A.R.V.I.S. and it works exactly like it

It oversees Jihoon’s overall health, help him construct weapons and sometimes poppin’ some popcorns for Jihoon during Friday movie nights

Jihoon would also be super agile! He’s really quick on his feet and can do some cool acrobatic s***

Because Jihoon might sit around and construct weapons all day so you’d expect him to be out of shape lol

But Jihoon figured that while he wasn’t tinkering, he’d be running away from the cops or smth so why not start training his cardio right?

So yeah he did a lot of gymnastics and acrobatics

Besides running from the cops, he wants to make memorable entrance and exits in the future, too, lmao

It’s pretty funny bc one second he’d be like Bob the builder and the next he’s tumbling like a f***in ninja

It’s incredible

Anyways

So Jihoon has been plotting his big debut as a super villain for a long time now

He’s so tired of everybody underestimating his power despite him probably being able to ensemble a makeshift grenade in record time to blow your ass off

And he’s also tired of the times people called him cute

He’s not cute, alright?!

It’s been his lifelong dream to be able to look into people’s eyes and see fear in their eyes as he whispers,

“Am I cute now, you little s***?”

And he also decided that his super villain name would be Woozi

O yeah, bc something that means Our Jihoon is so evil. Oooh, I’m shaking in my boots

I’m getting off topic

About his super secret world domination plan..

Woozi had built a robot army to take over the city

I mean, he could’ve done it all by himself but

It’s his big debut, man

Give him a break

In no time, the city was completely taken over by his army of evil robots

He didn’t do anything serious

Just letting his robots do their evil stuff

Pulling out dead 2010 memes on people

Stealing candies from children

The usual

Also, people were already pretty terrified at the thought of a robot uprising so it wasn’t like he needed to work very hard to make people s*** in their pants

At this point, people are screaming, babies are crying; it’s music to Woozi’s ears

And everything’s going to plan until

OK, WHAT THE F*** IS THAT?

Ok quick backstory: the local factory had been dumping all its illegal waste into the local reservoir, the chemicals contained in the waste genetically transformed some of the wildlife around the reservoir into mutants

Wow did this just become an environmental propaganda?

Nevertheless, don’t litter, kids

Woozi looked ahead at the sight ahead of him and the city was suddenly swarmed by dozens of mutant creatures, animals and plants alike

It’s like Jumanji on steroids

F***in mutts tryna derail his plan of world domination?

Woozi is not having it

So Woozi whipped up random stuff from his tool belt and started to construct a make-shift weapon

And so you got Woozi who’s combating evil wildlife with his Object Animator

Which is like, a gun but instead of firing bullets it would “scan” objects and turn them into data in which he stored in the memory card in the weapon

HE’S LIKE A POKEMON MASTER

And there are few other heroes from different parts of the city who came, too, bc they heard some crazy guy tried to take over the city

But now instead of seeing some maniac cackling as they watch the robots take over the city, they see animal mutants everywhere like Madagascar: Evil Edition

The hero from a neighbouring city, S.Coups, was throwing mutant elephants here and there like nobody’s business

Honestly, at this point, the city was a hot mess with robots, evil mutant wildlife and heroes all compiled in one city

Anyways

So you’re one of the city’s local journalist so cliché

You were reporting from the roof of a carpark building

“I s*** you not, viewers, we just saw a flock of two-headed swans chasing down the police forces. You may laugh but have you ever had a swan hot on your trail? It’s the scariest s*** ever. Now imagine it with two heads and multiply it by tEN. Ok wait, let me put down the mic bc I’m gonna pray for the police bc only God can save them now.”

“WHoA, Ben’s Taco is on fIRe, everyone! Lmfao bc f*** Ben, he always charges extra for guacamole so he finally got what’s coming for him. Moving on..”

I’m so sorry if your name is Ben and bc Ben is the least Mexican name ever

You’re pretty controversial bc you speak without any filter but that’s also the reason people love you lol

Anyways, you’re up there reporting, ready to deliver the biggest drag of the century on national TV when a group of winged monkeys decided to go ape s*** lmao get it? ape s***? on you crew

You’re like “Elphaba’s not here. Wrong show !!!”

But of course, did they listen? No.

And somehow you got cornered to the ledge and by the time you realized what’s going on, you’re free falling

Free falling.. falling...

Bonus points to the person who gets this reference

Coincidentally, at that very moment, Woozi was right at the bottom of the building, completely unaware of what had been going on a few meters above

He was shouting at one of his robots for not doing its work properly

“You dips***! Why do you have a cat in your arms! How did you even find it?! I designed you to be evil! EvIL!

“But boss, villains always have a cat in their arms!”

Ok Woozi couldn’t argue with that but

“Priorities!! We’re supposed to tear those mutts apart!! They’re in the way of my plans!!!”

“But I know my priorities!!”

“Oml I should’ve done all of this myself! Now if there’s an answer to all of this f***in mess-”

Woozi had his arms out in exasperation at this point and BAM

He wasn’t ready when you suddenly fell into his arms lmao

You were lucky you both didn’t fall into a messy heap on the pavement bc Woozi regained his footing pretty quickly

You were definitely ready for sweet, sweet death but you felt like you weren’t falling anymore and

You opened your eyes to see the most beautiful confused face you’ve ever seen???

Your heart did a little backflip in your chest and you’re like

“My hero~” *heart eyes*

Woozi almost dropped you bc he’s anything but

“Who the f*** are you??” he said

“Y/N. And you are?” you asked breathlessly

Now your name sounds familiar to him and he remembered you’re that notorious journalist everyone seem to have a love-hate relationship with

You’re just..blunt and cute

This was like his chance of publicity lol so he was like “Woozi.”

You would have loved to stay and have a little chat with the hero with the clearest eyes you’ve ever seen but he got to go

So that’s how your first encounter went

With you falling into his arms lel

It did take them some time but they eventually managed to save the city

Mostly with the help of Woozi and his robot army

‘well, at least what remained of it’ Woozi thought as he looked at his robots, most only with one of its limbs left attached and barely able to stand

same tbh

People knew this but they were also confused??

Bc wasn’t he the guy to tried to take over the city earlier?? Is he the good guy or the bad guy??

They were pretty baffled but grateful nonetheless

So everyone’s cheering for Woozi and chanting his name and Woozi’s like??? why

Tbh he’s just as confused as you are

“Ok this is not going according to plan.”

And somewhere down on the streets you’re like “YeAH! WOOZI! MA BOI.”

The first person he’s gonna kill after this mess is you for calling him your “boi”

He’s not your “boi”

Anyways, the crowds are chanting and Woozi’s confused

And emerging from the crowd was S.Coups who approached him and was like

“Dude, you’re pretty cool. Come to the Heroes Conference tomorrow. It’ll be great having you on the team!”

And Jihoon’s never been one to be approached, let alone being invited to something

But despite him not even liking superheroes he couldn’t help the meek “O-Okay” that escaped him

dang it.

HE’S NEW TO THIS SUPERHERO-VILLAIN ORDEAL ALRIGHT? LET HIM LIVE.

And that’s how he finds himself at the Heroes Conference the next morning

So the Heroes Conference is a conference held regularly by the Heroes Association after any sort of event when a super managed to defeat a villain

It’s a way for the Heroes Association and the people appreciate having their city saved

Here, the supposed-hero would receive a token of appreciation, a medal of some sort

And most of the times, new heroes are recruited during these conferences

To say Woozi felt like he’s out of element is an understatement

He couldn’t help but feel like he’s a black sheep there

A supposed-villain surrounded by heroes

Why is he here again?

Well he came bc he thought it’d be weird if someone who everybody thought saved the city doesn't come when a big superhero like S.Coups invited him to get initiated into a team

Unwittingly, he said yes

Yeah, it’s not like he was starstruck or anything

And it’s not like he’s curious, pffffttt what’re you talking about

But he’s been seething inside bc what’s supposed to be his big debut as a super villain was completely ruined by those stupid mutant motherfrickers

His evil daydreams are ruined now

He was brooding when he heard a familiar voice

“Hey! Woozi!!”

And there you were, approaching him with a sun of a smile and he couldn’t help but feel his breath hitch roll his eyes

“Oh. It’s you.”

“Yeah! It’s me!”

“What do you want?”

You dismissed his tone and was like “Please let me do an interview??”

And he’s like, “Me?? An interview??”

say whaaaaa

Woozi was already in a bad enough mood from being where he doesn’t even want to be

Adding to that fact was you asking him to do an interview was stretching it a little too far

Woozi was so ready to say no

But you’re looking at him with so much admiration?? Nobody has ever looked at him like that?

He couldn’t help but feel his heart melt a little

BUT WAIT HE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING LIKE THIS!

HE’S EVIL.

E-VIL.

Woozi wouldn’t admit to himself that he’s weak for you and it’s not even day one lmao

“Fine. Make it quick.”

Seeing the smile that bloomed on your face almost made it worth it

Almost

So that’s how he found himself sitting face to face with you

Honestly, the interview was pretty colorful and entertaining, even to him, with you hosting it

You: “~And BAM your robots just sent that freakin rhino into the gas station and BOOM it exploded!!! And then the monkeys went SWOOSH and then I’m falling!! Right into y o u !!!!”

Honestly he didn't see the point of this interview since you just chronologically explained the whole story but oh well

Woozi had never gotten himself interviewed before but?? wOw aren’t you a handful but he likes it

He didn’t mind, though?? bc all he was thinking throughout the whole interview was you

When the interview finally ended, he almost regretted when he said to make it quick

He couldn’t stop thinking about you that day and they day after that, and the day after that

So now Woozi has two issues; aside from having a huge f***ing crush on you, now Woozi’s kinda stuck doing the Good Guy stuff

Like, he still doesn’t understand???

How do you do the superhero thing?????

Woozi literally doesn’t know how to superhero

Some days he’ll be on a mission and his teammate suddenly go

“Woozi! The what are you doing?!”

“I’m beating up the bad guys, like you said.”

“...wOOZI THAT’S OUR GUY.”

Whoops

He’s been trying to ask you out for weeks but all of his free time is now spent doing boring good hero stuff

He couldn’t even use his explosives anymore

Trust him when he said he asked

Why did he agree to this again??

But what he didn’t expect was how much he’s been seeing you?

Like, for reals, this town is super heh problematic istg

So Woozi gets to see you a lot irl bc well, you’re a journalist

But you seem to be always at the right place at the wrong time whenever whatever happens and he saved your ass more than he could count

Like, there was the time a super-robbery happened

Yes, super-robbery, bc regular robbery is boring and apparently, aside from being problematic, this town is also very extra when it comes to crimes

And you somehow found yourself as a hostage? Like hOW?

And another time when you got kidnapped for ransom? You were pretty calm about it tho but Woozi’s the one getting grey hair bc of you

But you could say it was also the right time bc Woozi got to swoop in to save your ass multiple times, too

And from all the times he did save you, you just...fell for a little more??

Bc by the end of it, while he nags at you for being so useless and careless and everything in between, you know he cares

What a tsundere

Ok but this is where it gets fun

So Jihoon had a rough night, so he decided to maybe get some fresh air, right?

So he was walking around with his earphones on when wait.. is that?

You were cornered by a group of what seems like drunken men and Jihoon’s like here we go

How do you find yourself in this kind of situation all the time?

“Get away from her, you dick!”

You were a little bit surprised when you heard someone shouting

You weren’re really expecting someone to notice so you were shocked when this guy showed up with the scariest pissed-off look you’ve ever seen

And the drunk guys just sneered bc who is this squirt?

Oh but Jihoon’s familiar with the condescending looks in their eyes

Jihoon had experienced his fair share throughout his high school days alright

So he used everything he’s ever learned from always getting made fun of for his height

He kicked one of the f***ers in the kneecaps, grabbed your hand and ran

You finally stopped when you’re sure you’re safe enough and you couldn’t help but admire this stranger who just saved you

“My hero~”

Do you say that to every single one of your savior? bc Jihoon is getting major flashbacks now

Of course, you felt very very grateful for getting saved so you wanted to treat this cute stranger

“Here, let me treat you to some coffee. I insist.”

And that’s how he found himself sitting across from you in a quaint coffee shop

“Thank you so much for saving me!”

And Jihoon swore under his breath bc there it is again

That smile

“No problem.”

You couldn’t help but think that the guy looked kinda familiar??

“So tell me about yourself!” you said

‘Well, you actually know me but not the real me but I’ve been pinning on you from day one but this is not how I imagined our first date would be like.’ Jihoon wanted to say but he figured he’ll just sound like a creep lol

Wait is this a date? F***

“Uh, I play the guitar???”

Nice, Jihoon, smooth.

Hey, a supervillain can have a hobby, alright?

And Jihoon didn’t know how it happened but you seemed interested in what he has to say and he ended up having a lot of fun talking to you??

The conversation went for a long time that he didn’t realize it’s been hours since he left headquarters and he’s still got things to do and he’s like crap gtg

And you’re like “Oh! You need to go?? I really enjoyed talking to you.. Maybe we can..meet again??”

Bruh, you may look super cool and suave outside but you’re literally freaking out inside bc !!! You’re actually asking this cute stranger guy out !!!

And that’s how Lee Jihoon ended up back in the headquarter, everything’s the same except for the number written on the entire length of his right arm in black ink

But then the next morning people were shookth from the obvious series of numbers written on his arm lmaoo

The other peeps on the team was like, “OoOoO are you dAting someone???”

“S.Coups, I know you can’t fly and I will not hesitate to push you off this ledge and make it seem like an accident if you don’t step away this instant.”

*S.Coups backing away slowly*

One of the team members almost prank called you claiming to be Woozi but then he got strangled by Jihoon lmao

You and Jihoon started to hang out more often

One time you guys (you guys as in you and Jihoon, you’re still unaware of his alter ego apparently smh) were talking about your favorite supers and Woozi came up in the conversation

“I don’t know, I just really like him.”

That caught his interest

“Uh, why?”

“Because! He’s so cool, don’t you think??? Saved me couple times, too. What a man.”

Lmao, more like hundreds of times

Woozi couldn’t count how many times he had to save your ass now

“But why do you even like him? He’s not like S.Coups or anything. He’s not..nice.”

You looked at him a little offended bc

Did he really just say that? In front of your f***ing salad?

“Uhm, excuse me but he cares about other people, Jihoon! Just because someone’s nice doesn’t mean he’s good!”

Jihoon never thought he’d hear someone say something so nice about him?? For once, someone actually cared about him

And it feels...nice

And if he had a huge crush on you then, by now he’s f***ing flipped

“Plus, I’d totally date him.”

Choke

So you guys obviously starting to like each other more and more; him bc of your, uh, refreshing personality and him bc of his blunt nature

What a charming couple, honestly

But he couldn’t work up the nerve to ask you out when he’s not wearing his super-villain, er, hero costume

But he can’t help it now!!!

He needs to do something about this stupid crush!!!

It’s taking over his brain

It’s taking over his life

HE ALMOST DIED ON A MISSION THINKING ABOUT YOU

They really weren’t kidding when they said that love is a disease bc he feels like he gets heart attacks whenever you smile and him and it makes him want to write stupid love songs about you and it’s just ugh

He’s a swimming lovesick fool around you

But Woozi isn’t keen on grand gestures

So one day, he finally swallowed his nerves and went up to you after work in his super suit

And you were like,”Woozi!! It’s you!!”

But then he took of his mask in front of you

And “Wait, what? W ho? Jihoon????”

Again, how you’ve ever put the pieces together baffles me smh

“Yeah. It’s me.” He looked like he’s ready to s*** his pants tbh

“Look, I hate your stupid face. I hate that you made me think about you everyday. I can’t even look at a monkey the same way without ending up thinking about you now. I hate that your smile always gives me heart attacks. So let’s just get this over with. Y/N, do you want to go out with me?”

Lmao w hat

Is he...asking you out???

So all this time, Woozi is Jihoon and Jihoon is Woozi?

IT MAKES SENSE NOW

Sigh

So you stood there gaping like a fish

Which kinda reminded him of when his robot short-circuited, cute.

And Woozi’s ready to flee the scene and go home and spend his night eating a tub of ice cream while writing a two-page essay on how you will never ever be together and hide under his covers and–

“Alright, let’s go on a date.”

Well, he be da**ed.

Did you just agree to go out with him??

He feels like he can take over the world now

But maybe later bc now, he has a date to attend to ;)

(But honestly, if he had asked you without the suit and all, you’d still pick him.)

(Because in the end, you fell for Jihoon, not Woozi.)

(But also you’re feeling lucky bc you happen to like both so what a steal.)

#wow this was a hot mess towards the end #but i hope you guys enjoyed reading it AAAA #jihoon scenarios #woozi scenarios #seventeen imagines #super seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen fics #seventeen fic #seventeen au #superhero au #woozi #jihoon #seventeen #woozi imagines #super!au

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thieving-magpiexhunting-tiger · 4 years ago

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1-78 for both my boys <3

SOoooo manyyyyyy

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer? Is the dryer on? If not couch. -JM Counter. -SM

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why: Good, always good. What can I say? Good partners. -JM Same as Jim, good, good partners. -SM

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed: Fictional…I keep thinking Iron man. He looks like he would be a good bottom. -JM This isn’t something I think about too much, I will admit. James Bond? Or maybe Princess Leia? Could just be me. -SM

4: Something that never fails to make you horny: School girl outfits. Blood, knives, guns, leather, lace, need I go on?. -JM Glasses, blood, knives, pain. -SM

5: Where is one place you would never have sex: Parents grave? -JM Jimmm….-SM No, you did it there already. -JM Not what I meant. Umm…middle of a street. -SM

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________ All I can think of is TMI…a guy passed out once, said he was fine. He wasn’t fine. -JM Wrong brother. -SM

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny: I’m sure something on my above list could be considered weird. Breeding? Knotting? -JM No idea, not much for kink shamming. Ohh, being kink shamed, that’s done it. -SM

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]: Completely bind? Rope. -JM Rope. -SM

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny: See no. 4. -J&SM

10: Top or bottom? Top. -JM Top. -SM

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in] We were about to rim but then his brother walked in. -SM Weirdest threesome yet. Umm, We were about to do it but then he realized he didn’t clean out. -JM

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary? One is enough, wouldn’t say no to more. -JM Me too. -SM

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: There’s this one dildo, knotting…don’t want to talk about it. -JM Not sex related but like 50 guns. That wouldn’t look too good. -SM

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you: I’m not sure there are weird ones? Kitten, baby, Jimmy, daddy, king. -JM I’m not sure I have weird ones either. Tiger, knight, Basher, Jim’s called me that before. -SM

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex: Taste and feel. You Decide if I like or hate it. -JM Something to do with my mouth, pleasuring the other. -SM

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you: Oh no, piss kinks, scat kinks, suffocation. All for choking but head in pillow holding me down? I’ll pass. -JM With Jim on the piss kinks. -SM

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?] Yes, it’s okay, I would prefer it to be someone else’s or someone else to take it. -JM Have, would again, don’t mind it. -SM

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: If we want another child and know the other are clean, which we do. -JM Condoms don’t stop the kids but yeah. -SM

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had? Me. -JM Jim. -SM

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: Chocolate. Always chocolate. I would like to try whipped topping. -JM Cheese. I’m trying to convince them it’s a good idea. -SM

21: How big is too big: 8-9 is normally the limit. Could go bigger but that’s a good amount with no pain. -JM 9-10 I would say, Jim’s about that. -SM

22: One sexual thing you would never do: I think after trying the ones in 16 there’s nothing left on that list, though I would never want to try them again. -JM Yeah, I wouldn’t want to do Jim’s list on 16 either. -SM

23: Biggest turn on: Didn’t we do this already? School girl, lace, leather. -JM Pain, probably. -SM

24: Three spots that drive you insane: Nipples, hair, dick. -JM Dick, obviously, thighs, scars. -SM

25: Worst possible time to get horny: Middle of a murder? Blood everywhere, happens every time. -JM Giving a presentation in Uni. -SM

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans: Yes, always. -JM Of course, I do. -SM

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had: Gang bang of people I didn’t know. -JM Probably going to regret the cheese. -SM

28: How much fapping is too much fapping: Not something I’ve ever been much for but come on, more that once or twice a week is a bit much. -JM Once a day is fine, doing it more than that there might be an issue. -SM

29: Best sexual complement you ever got: Not sure I’ve ever got a compliment? Magic dick, maybe? -JM That I knew what I was doing and hit every spot. -SM

30: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji: Either of the first two. -JM If I see a landing strip, I will start laughing. Why give up when you’re so close? Finish or don’t start. -SM

31: Is it good sex if you don’t nut: It can be, yeah. If it’s good for the other person. -JM I know the right answer is yes but…-SM

32: Fill in the blank: "If they ____________, we are fuckin" Have a hole. -SM Horny on main, Sebastian. I have higher standards. Are married to us. -JM Fine, marriage and all that. -SM

33: What your favorite part of your body: I like my muscle, I’m quite strong. -SM …I got nothing. Eyes, maybe? Mouth? -JM

34: Favorite foreplay activities: Kissing. -JM Touching. -SM

35: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math thats “greater than, less than, or equal to] > -JM = -SM

36: What do you wear to bed? Nothing to t-shirt and boxers, depending on who is there and how warm it is. -JM Nothing. -SM

37: When was the first time you masturbated: 11? -JM 10 I think. -SM

38: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? Yes. -JM Yes. -SM

39: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? Yes, every time I get a chance. Last date night. -JM Last date night it was. -SM

40: Have/would you ever have sex outside? Well this is the last question again. Yes. -JM Yes, last date night. -SM

41: Have/would you ever had a threesome? Nooooo….All the time. -JM Often we have. -SM

42: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? Don’t use random objects. Tooth brush once. -JM He fucked me, with a toothbrush! Ummm…Long story but a cucumber. -SM

43: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school? Work, yes. For a while, I worked at a school. Yes again. -JM Work yes, school, no. -SM

44: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane? Yes. -JM Yes. -SM

45: What is one song you’d like to have sex to? That would be lost on both of us. -JM

46: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny? Scars. -JM Lip biting and glasses. -SM

47: Most attractive celebrity? That Michael Fassbender guy is hot. -JM You mean James Bond and Princess Leia wasn’t enough? -SM

48: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? No, don’t really watch any when I can just watch two of the others. -JM Same as Jim. -SM

49: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now? Well, the one that is currently inside me exists and isn’t out. But if there was another then we wouldn’t even know of its existence yet. -JM As old as Jim’s second one. -SM

50: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online? Yes. -JM No…well, actually, yeah. Yeah, those are out there. -SM

51: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny? We once again refer you to the dreaded number 16. -JM

52: Do you have stretch marks? (How do you feel about them? Has anyone ever had a problem with them?) I don’t have them, I don’t have a problem with them. As far as I know no one has. -JM I have some, don’t mind them or anything. Don’t think the others have. -SM

53: Do you like giving head? (why/why not) Don’t mind it, see 15 for why. -JM Did we mess up somewhere? This was 15 wasn’t it? Or was that receiving? -SM

54: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? Don’t mind them. Not one to go after people covered I them but some are okay. -JM I have a couple, don’t mind them really, it’s their bodies. -SM

55: How would you feel about taking someones virginity? Nope, nope, nope. -JM Nope, nope. -SM

56: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Garlic? -JM Hot peppers. -SM

57: Is there anything you do on Tumblr that you would not like your significant other to see? On what now? -JM What’s Tumblr and where did the e go? -SM

58: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?) Yes, we do not have time to go into the giant box full, that would be hours. -JM And don’t forget the dungeon. -SM

59: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day? I guess, still don’t know what this is though. -JM I don’t see why not. -SM

60: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery? I think so. -JM Yeah, I can’t think of a way that could be good, if they’re suggesting it then they aren’t happy with me. -SM

61: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute? Been the second. The first sounds better. -JM Yeah, star. -SM

62: Do you watch porn? Nope. -JM No. -SM

63: How small is too small? Don’t think there’s a thing? I mean something can be worked out. -JM Yeah, there are other things that can be done if needed. -SM

64: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Yes, more times than I care to count. -JM You’ve read through the history, take your pick. -SM

65: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything? Seb. Yes, it meant he wanted me to put his name down as the last. -JM Jim and it meant l Iove him, it’s clear to see it didn’t mean anything to him though. -SM

66: Would you switch phones with your significant other for a day? That’s all about controlling I think. I mean I have nothing to hide but I don’t want people to not have enough trust in me to need to take my phone. -JM They can but it would be a whole thing with work and getting in contact with me. -SM

67: Do you feel comfortable going "commando"? Not really. -JM Yeah. -SM

68: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn't shaved their pubic hair? Depends on how long it’s been and man or woman, I think. -JM I…could do it. -SM

69: If you could give yourself head, would you? Yeah, probably. -JM I think so. -SM

70: Booty or Boobs? Booty. -JM Boobs. -SM

71: If you had a penis, what would you name it? He is little J and that is enough of that. -JM If…what do they mean if? …his name is Basher. -SM

72: Have you ever been on an official date? No, never why would I do that? I’m married and have 3253270527 kids, yes, I’ve dated. -JM Yeah, too many probably. -SM

73: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) I was going to say Seb but we had an open relationship so no. -JM I did once, whole thing, I was trying to get out of the relationship. They didn’t want me to. I wasn’t happy. -SM

74: If you were a stripper, what would your name be? Big dick? I don’t know, I’m tired. -JM In honor of Jim’s last typo Bid Bick. -SM

75: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?) No, I haven’t and won’t. -JM That’s just… no, no, wrong. -SM

76: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed? Umm terrified, they’ve been dead for 30 years. -JM I would let them finish and then burn the bed. -SM

77: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina What is that? -JM I don’t remember. -SM

78: If you had a penis/vagina for a day, what are five things you would do? …how many things can you do with one? I mean give and receive and get yourself off but with a vagina, you can receive and get yourself off so I guess those two. If someone knows three more things, let me know. -JM Yeah, sex I guess. I don’t know what else? Am I fully a girl? Or just me with a vagina instead? -SM

#inappropriate Jimothy #inappropriate bastian

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lalka-laski · 4 years ago

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Do you always carry breath mints? Nope, although maybe I should with this mandatory mask-wearing. What is the point of scented pens / pencils / erasers? That’s a good question? Do you buy / wear band-aids with cartoon characters on them? I may or may not have a box of Disney Princess band-aids in my medicine cabinet right now... Are you amused by celebrity fashion flubs? Not really. I liked all those red carpet fashion panel shows when I was younger but in retrospect, it’s just a form of bullying. A “Best Dressed” list is fine, but a “Worst Dressed” is unnecessary and cruel. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? Pure rage

Do you buy and wear crazy looking socks? Nope. I occasionally buy cute ones if I can’t resist the design but I don’t like wearing socks in general Would you run down the street wearing a tutu, fishnets, & flippers? Would I get money for it? Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? I don’t think so Would you want to travel into deep space? The thought TERRIFIES me to no end Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? Nope, I don’t play video games Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Mhm. I wasn’t very good at it though Do / did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? No, sadly Does your house have an attic that had stuff in it when you moved in? Not that I know of What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? Most movies disappoint me just because they bore me and I don’t have the attention span Does / did your school have special dress-up days? Yes, and I loved them! What cartoons did you watch when you were little? Oh God, I have a list! My favorites as a little kid were probably Blue’s Clues and Little Bear. And then Rugrats, of course! Do you eat peanut shells along with the peanuts? I don’t eat peanuts, period. Would you eat a meal cooked by Hannibal Lecter? That’s a no from me dawg Have you ever gone white-water rafting? No but I would like to try it What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? CONCLUSIONS! Does your grandma wear an apron when she cooks? This question is a little raw for me This is your chance to get it out! Place random rant here. I! AM! TIRED! How often do you need “me” time? Probably more than the average person. I’m very fortunate to be dating/living with someone who not only understands and respects that, but also who needs plenty of his own “me time” too. Was Jim Morrison truly “an American Poet”, in your opinion? Eh... Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No, I enjoy that Have you ever gotten stuck in a revolving door? Nope, surprisingly Who is your favorite superhero? Batman? I don’t know. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I’m a vegetarian. But I have heard they’re gonna roll out meatless chicken soon? If so, SIGN ME UP! Pop-Tarts vs. Toaster Strudels. Discuss. OH this is just plain rude. I love both! I guess if you tied me down and made me choose I’d pick Pop-Tarts though, just because they have a wider variety of flavors and serving options. Do you believe there are subliminal messages in songs? Sure Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? Nope. It wasn’t spectacular but it wasn’t necessarily bad either. Do you “fake bake”? If I do, I should get my money back Would you play Jumanji, if given the chance? Hell no. And certainly not this year!! Does it bother / offend you when someone calls something (not someONE) gay? People don’t really use that word as an insult anymore. And the only people I know who do are LGBT folks who use it ironically. Do you always make sure your cell phone is charged before going somewhere? I try to. Or I just toss my charger in my purse Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Sometimes Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Mhm. Talk about gut-wrenching. UGH! What are your thoughts on Chuck Norris? I don’t give a shit What is the most annoying sound in the world? Certain people’s voices REALLLLY grate me What would you do if Neil Patrick Harris stole your car? Is this some sort of reference I’m not getting? Do you honestly care about calories and fat content? I try to watch my calories but I’m not insane about it. I’ve down the crazy counting disordered eating thing enough in the past. How do you feel about animal testing? I find it cruel for cosmetic purposes but for medical reasons? The lines are blurred Do you often shift blame towards others? Sometimes I guess Your very first best friend: Is he / she STILL your best friend? Mhm! What would you do if a rabid animal was chasing you? Run away? Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? Sometimes hot fudge or peanut butter. Mmm.. I wonder what kind of ice cream I’ll get tomorrow! Have you ever witnessed a crime? Nothing major What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? They’re all kinda silly if you ask me

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chaoticaddict · 8 years ago

Text

So I was soldiering my way through the Jurassic Park movies to get to World, and I liveblogged the entirety of 3 to my friend Ian. Join my insanity.

Danni: i’m going to try and make it through jurassic park 3 in my half delusional haze, wish me luck

Ian: Alright! Have fun!

Danni: wait so after all the shit in 1 about not having kids the two didn't hook up are you serious?

Ian: Yep, I guess something between them couldn't get worked out. *shrug*

Danni: WHY DIDN’T SHE HOOK UP WITH GOLDBLUM

THEY HAD CHEMISTRY

Ian: I think Ellie was more amused by Ian than attracted to him.

Danni: “no force on earth or heaven could get me on that island”

have fun going on that island

Ian:"Alan Grant Returns to the Island"

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Danni: pffff

oh this contrived romance in archaeology, hot?

jfc“let’s use the toothbrush” is not something i should ever go “oh boy here’s the forced romance scene” and not only that, but be correct about

don’t say you want to go to the jesus fuck

you should see the face i’m making

Ian: LMAO

Danni: “we want to go somewhere special for our honeymoon"“endangering our lives sounds fun"

THERE WERE PTERODACTLYS

I KNOW I SPELLED IT WRONG BUT I DON’T CARE

THIS SHIT IS SO STUPID

oh of course the money

grant your greed is what got you into this in the first place you fucking moron

can we please go back to malcolm

he was smart

he was so fucking smart

“an hour and a half, not too bad” i told myself

“how do you know the kirbys” “through my church” yeah you look like a churchgoing fellow

HAHAHAH WHAT WAS THAT SHIT

NO NO GO BACK TO THE TALKING RAPTOR

HOLY FUCK

I CAN’T EVEN FOCUS ON THIS GREENSCREEN I’M JUST LAUGHING TOO FUCKING HARD

Ian: The Kirby's are like your dim-witted next-door neighbors you can't help but love.

Danni: THE TALKING

RAPTOR

TALKING RAPTOR

Ian:"ALAN!" LOL

Totally forgot about that part.

Danni: HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT

THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE

oh god let everyone get eaten

there’s one down

you’re all stupid

Ian: You even want Grant to die?

Danni: this is the kind of stupid shit i expected from 2

GRANT WAS SO BORING

HE DIDN’T EVEN LEARN FROM HIS MISTAKES

MALCOLM WAS SMART ENOUGH TO SAY “FUCK THIS” TO EVERYTHING

Ian: So true.

Danni: but seriously what is this cgi

what is this dinosaur doing, hugging his food

yeah you can outrun that thing sure

is this movie TRYING to be a comedy

Ian: Kind of. It's not meant to be taken as seriously as the others.

Danni: i want a “wah wah” button for this movie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk

this

i want a button with this

i’m going to sad trombone the fuck out of this movie

Ian: Keep that button handy.

Danni: oh trust me i just hit it again

“maybe we should split up” are you shitting me

Ian: Which was better? Alan's dream or this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1aRB_ETfJk

Danni: Grant’s dream hands down

a talking fucking raptor

SAD TROMBONE

he took the eggs

he took the fucking eggs

grant you idiot

Ian: Tsk tsk tsk.

Danni: THERE’S NO WAY HE DIDN'THE TOOK THE EGGS

the phone is not going to work

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THE PHONE WOULD WORK

THERE’S SHIT GROWING ON IT

that raptor is alive

that’s not a display

that’s

SAD TROMBONE

OH MY GOD I WAS JOKING IN THE LAST MOVIE WHEN I SAID THEY LEARNED TO CLIMB

EVEN MY CAT IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE “MOM THE FUCK IS THIS"

Ian: Super raptors!

Danni: i mean okay this is actually a somewhat intelligent move

if you go into a stampede raptors aren’t going to want to follow

oh hey that’s number 3

they don’t waste time in just murdering everyone

Ian: Sad trombone.

Danni: “i’m sure he’s just lying on the ground for fun"

WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED THE RAPTORS SET A TRAP, YOU’RE THE ASSISTANT TO THE MAN WHO JUST CLAIMED EARLIER THAT RAPTORS WOULD HAVE BEEN DOMINANT SPECIES

ANOTHER SAD TROMBONE

oh no… raptors.. don’t like smoke????

jumanji child to the rescue

Bisco just sent me thishttp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/heat-vision/jeff-goldblum-joins-jurassic-world-sequel-997569Jeff Goldblum Joins 'Jurassic World' Sequel (Exclusive)Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are returning for the follow-up, which will be directed by J.A. Bayona.hollywoodreporter.com

Ian: Perfect Jumanji reference.

Danni: oh good you mention malcolm in this movie just to shit on him when he's the ONLY REASONABLE CHARACTER FUCK YOU MOVIE

I’M GLAD THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT A DIVORCED COUPLE REALIZING THEY STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT DINOSAURS

“i’m the assistant and i’m suddenly the villain"i’m going to just make a dubstep remix of sad trombone and put it over this entire movie

Ian: Why do I get the feeling Malcolm is coming back purely because the fans demanded it?

Danni: I’M OKAY WITH THAT TBH

it cannot possibly be worse than what i’m watching right now

Ian: Goldblum: "Fine, I'll do another one! Now shut up already!"

Danni: more like “Ah ah ah alright"

A L L H A I L

Ian: Seriously though, he's probably excited. I get the impression he's fond of those films.

Danni: considering he quoted them in independence day reliving his glory days i would say yes XD

the cell phone in the stomach

the dinosaur is like “buddy can you help me here"

“shit’s annoying i don’t want phone bills"

YEAH JUST INSIST ON GETTING THE BAG BACK

OH WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HE TOOK THE RAPTOR EGGS

IT WAS OBVIOUS AS SHIT

THIS MOVIE IS AS SUBTLE AS A BRICK TO THE FACE

Ian: He took the fucking eggs.

Danni: OF COURSE HE DID

BECAUSE WE NEED SOMETHING POOR AND CONTRIVED TO DRIVE THIS CONSIDERING ALL OF THE CHARACTERS ARE FLATTER THAN A PIECE OF PAPER

grant COULD have something to him

that’s what frustrates me

but like nope he gotta be dumb and do it for the money

he can’t be like malcolm and be like FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS and the only reason he went back is to rescue someone he cares about OH LOOK BILLY’S LEAVING EITHER TO TRY AND REDEEM HIMSELF OR BE A DICK, EITHER ONE

MAYBE BOTH

Ian: And Grant isn't even getting money. HA!

Danni: and still finds the time to shit on malcolm

likeeee a prick

okay grant kick the pterodactyl i’m sure it loves that

i’m sure it lOVES that

you fucking maroon

Ian: I know he and Malcolm had different personalities and had an awkward relationship, but I always wondered what Grant had against him. Malcolm stuck up for all the victims while the suits covered everything up.

Danni: exactly

and grant calls him preachy and stuck up even now

you think they would’ve bonded over that shit

DID THE PTERODACTYL JUST LOOK AT US, THE VIEWERS

LIKE “IT’S A LIVING"

“MURDERING PEOPLE"

ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RAPTOR EGG STEALING FUCK

NO, HE DESERVED IT, HE WAS JUST LIKE JOHN HAMMOND, YOU WEREN’T WRONG

DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WERE

THAT WAS HIS DIMENSION

Ian: YES THEY ARE!

Danni: IAN I CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING STUPIDER

omg the cell phone again

i love that this fucking thing is a fucking plot device

Ian: They went from ripples in the water to cell phone ringtones.

Danni: oh hey, it’s literally the movie, people digging in shit

Ian: OMG, so many Internet forums made that same observation.

I was waiting for you to react to that and I wasn't disappointed.

Danni: so glad you entrusted your fucking life to a child who is going to get distracted by barney

didn’t kirby say it could only make one call. and you used it without his permission to call your old girlfriend in an emergency

you deserve to get eaten

oh and somehow she’s going to put this shit together

Ian: Barney steals the show.

Danni: HOW DID YOU SET THE WATER ON FIRE

Ian: Impressive, right?

Danni: OH GOOD, YOU KILLED THE DAD

A FUCKING PLUS, GRANT

OH NO WAIT HE’S THE LOVE INTEREST

HE’S FINE

I ACTUALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED IF HE HAD DIED

IT WOUDL HAVE SHOWN SACRIFICE AND GROWTH

NOPE

GOTTA HAVE THAT WHIMSY

oh good MORE FORCED FUCKING DIALOGUE BETWEEN A DIVORCED COUPLE

Ian: Are we sure Spielberg didn't direct this one?

Danni: he did not

but. yeah i see your point XD

the whimsy is just as forced

the raptors are back ey

you guys look like shit in this movie

Ian:The ol' *Spielberg dysfunctional family* (TM)

Danni: barking raptors

what the fuck is grant doing

what the fuck was that shit

WHAT IS THE ARMY DOING HERE

Ian: "Summon the eagles! I mean the Marines!" - Gandalf

Danni: OH SOMEHOW BILLY IS ALIVE

FUCK LITERALLY ALL OF THIS

YEAH THEY’RE LEAVING THE GODDAMN ISLAND

THIS IS THE PROBLEM I HAD AT THE END OF TWO

Ian: The pterodactyls?

Danni: MAJESTIC MUSIC PLAYING AS THEY’RE UNLEASHED UPON THE WORLD AGAIN

HOW FUCKING MAJESTIC

I AM TEN TIMES DUMBER THAN WHEN I STARTED THIS MOVIE

Ian: YAYYYY!!!

Danni: CHRIS PRATT YOUR RAPTOR PACK BETTER BE WORTH THIS

Ian: Oh come on, it was at least somewhat fun, right?

Danni: thiiiiis was awful

i feel like my iq dropped

Ian: I remember leaving the theater after my first time watching it and I remember overhearing someone say "That was good, but not enough people died in it."

Danni: PFFFFF

10/10

(but no seriously what the fuck even was this movie)

Ian: Most fans consider JP3 as the "cash-in" sequel.

Danni: i would agree

Ian: For what it's worth though, the same fans agree that Jurassic World redeems it back.

As do I.

~~~~

And then I watched Jurassic World and fucking adored the movie more than the first three. FINALLY.

#talkies #chaoticchats

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satellights · 6 years ago

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This is the third year in a row I have done this. Originally based on videos that Jake Edwards did. I didn’t want to make a video, so I just am making a list. I like taking pictures, so last year i started adding pictures to these lists. And once again there will be a similar list on Facebook. However, the Facebook list will have some things deliberately left off of it. I would ask that anyone here who is also friends with me on Facebook not share this Tumblr list there or anything. If you need to refer to this list at all on FB, please use the list that will be up on FB, thanks! So here we go, 2018′s list of things I did or accomplished, etc over the past year, in no particular order below the cut.

Played through all of the Silent Age

Watched the movie Soldier’s Girl

Went to a Tanger Outlet mall (I don’t remember this at all? Did I do this with my parents?)

Learned Lee Pace’s cat is named Arctic Freeze (this is extremely important obviously)

Saw Avengers: Infinity War

Shaved my head (again...I think I did this in 2017 too)

Finished watching Patrick Melrose

We put the house up for sale

Went to Savannah (what? I don’t remember going to Savannah this year lol...I can’t find pictures from this?)

Put notice of when leaving Starbucks (although somehow manager made me stay even LONGER...but it worked out cos I needed a job and didn’t have a new one yet lol, and I’m technically still there, and now am just transferring to another store ><)

Watched the movie The Disaster Artist

Walked around River Street (again I don’t remember going to Sav this year...I swear that was last year?)

Watched the movie Monty Python and the Holy Grail (I’ve seen it about a million times lol, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen it)

Got a job at Catalyst Coffee (that I then promptly lost like a month later for reasons still mostly unbeknownst to me)

Used Postmates for the first time

Saw Spiderman: Homecoming

Got new insurance not through work

Met Charlie

Marina moved back to Austin :(

Made roasted potatoes for the first time (and they were actually good)

Finally watched Moonlight

Voted in midterm elections

Hit 1000 days on T

Watched the movie I Think We’re Alone now (def recommend this)

Watched the movie My Dinner With Herve (err can you tell I’m a Peter Dinklage fan?)

Saw Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse (with @swimmingbirdrunningrock)

Moved to CWE

Manager finally said ok to me transferring

Watched the movie Eddie the Eagle

Finally watched Logan (can you tell I’m a Hugh Jackman fan?)

Watched the movie Eyes Wide Shut

Finished reading Station Breaker

Tried playing Fortnite (lolllllz)

Saw Mission Impossible: Fallout

Moved to my own apartment

Started watching Mindhunter

Got my foot x-rayed

Watched Crazy Rich Asians

Saw Black Panther

Finished watching Mindhunter

Started watching The Good Place

Got the Babadook soundtrack on Vinyl (the music by itself is infinitely scarier than the movie itself, which is actually not that scary)

Watched The Incredibles 2

Worked some shifts at Clayton Starbucks

Dad moved to Savannah

Watched the movie American Made

Walked around Broughton Street

Applied for an apartment

Closed by myself at Catalyst

Finished reading Eddie Izzard’s book Believe Me

Tried nitro cold brew for the first time

Watched The Shape of Water

Watched The Death of Stalin

Started watching the show 9-1-1

Finished watching Broadchurch

Watched Deadpool 2

Watched Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri (def recommend this)

Watched Venom

Finally got a new passport

Watched Love, Simon (while I think the representation is the bees knees and all that, I still have some unpopular opinions about this movie)

Watched Cars 3

Made baked sweet potatoes in the oven for the first time

Watched Isle of Dogs

Watched Hail, Caesar

Watched the movie Cargo (kinda eh, but I still recommend it)

Watched Suburbicon (recommend it)

Read the first two books of Saga (someone buy me all of them please and thank you lol)

Watched Believe: The Eddie Izzard Story (kinda boring imo, but it was about one of my fave people, so...)

Dyed hair blue (don’t remember doing that this year either)

Had dog ear revisions for top surgery

Watched Britain’s Got Talent all the way through (I usually stop somewhere near the end of the season of these shows because it kinda stops getting interesting...and yes you are correct in assuming I am ultra excited for AGT: Champions coming up soon!)

Watched Flavors of Youth

Watched Mary and the Witch’s Flower

Was actually able to get hair silver (also don’t remember this happening this year...it’s like the year was split in two halves that each feel like their own separate year)

Went to Mud House for the first time (with @swimmingbirdrunningrock)

Finished season 1 of Disenchantment

Visited mom (I still don’t remember that being this year??? what part of the year did this happen in lol?)

Watched the Justice League movie

Got a bad cold (lol...but it really was bad though, i ran a fever, and I never run fevers)

Planted rainbow eucalyptus tree seeds (pic is what it looks like now, also leave my plants alone, yes I know it looks sad, all my plants always seem to be in some state of death without ever actually dying this is why I do animals not plants I’m not good at plants)

Made rice in a rice cooker myself for the first time

Beat the game Donut County

Tried Golden Monkey tea

Met Beth and Thomas’ new baby

Started watching Patrick Melrose (this should probably have gone before the one that said I had finished watching it, but I did say this wasn’t in any particular order)

Watched the new Jumanji movie

Became more of a Hugh Jackman fan

Fell back in love with Eddie Izzard

Fell back in love with Lee Pace

Watched that Valerian movie (lol what)

Moved Boris into the new apartment

Went to pinup in the loop for Zach’s birthday

A girl had a seizure in our store (luckily a guy in line was an ER medic visiting from out of town and immediately jumped to action, the girl was finally taken to the hospital, and hope she is ok) (I also feel like this happened last year???)

Started watching Voltron

Watched Dukale’s Dream

Watched The Last Jedi

Watched Lost in London

Watched the Edge of Seventeen

Watched the new year ball drop on tv for 2019

Had a job interview for the new Starbucks at the zoo

Watched Interview With a Vampire

Watched Downsizing

Used goodrx for the first time

Watched Hans Zimmer Live in Prague (on Netflix, I wasn’t actually there, I wish)

Watched Coco

Started watching Death Note (so sue me nerds)

Watched Before We Go

Dyed my hair green (also feel like this was not this year)

Saw Terry

Used airprinter for the first time

Read Pirate Latitudes

Got fired from Catalyst (and I don’t even really know why ???)

Got a spearmint and a peppermint plant

Watched Rememory (actually recommend this...I thought it was gonna be so bad, but it was actually so good)

Watched Derren Brown’s Netflix special Sacrifice

Watched Blade Runner 2049

Watched the documentary An Honest Liar

Got a Gameboy Advance SP to play some older games (then tried to build my own mod, and couldn’t get it to work right lol...so gotta get another one again if I can find a mad cheap one again)

Started watching Boruto

Finished watching Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood

Watched the movie Wilson

Watched Hunt for the Wilderpeople (recommend this)

Watched Sorry to Bother You (recommend this)

Probably the most important thing in the jar was this...

#mine #2018 #2018 list

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csolarstorm · 7 years ago

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So I just saw Spider-man: Homecoming, and being that it's in a unique situation that other Marvel movies are not, I have some things to say about it.

The critics were right. It is a good Marvel movie, but not a breakthrough. It's kind of "safe". In the ranking of Marvel movies I'd say it's better than both Thor movies, Iron Man 2 and 3, Captain America, Age of Ultron, and Ant-Man, but not quite as good as Dr. Strange, and not in the league of Iron Man, Civil War, The Avengers, Winter Soldier, or Guardians of the Galaxy. (In order of good to best.)

It's exactly in the middle. I thought Ant-Man was above average compared to the original MCU superhero movies, with the exception of Iron Man, so if Spider-Man is above that, it's still pretty great.

Here are some gripes though:

What other Marvel movie had mostly civilian co-stars living normal life, besides maybe one friend or love interest? Thor had the group of scientists as comedic relief, but the first standout Thor movie, Ragnarok, doesn't have them, and people can't wait to get rid of them. Marvel movies are all about fantastical characters, so Peter Parker's classmate ensemble is…funny, but kind of one-note. Besides Ned, who's basically a main character, anything with Zendaya, Flash, and Liz, all of their scenes have the same issue as the scenes with Thor's original comedy scientist gang. They're too many normal people that are not involved enough in the story to support the movie. They're fun characters, just in a more TV movie Disney channel kind of way. This is why the movie kind of dragged on through the middle.

Of course I just called her Zendaya, because nobody refers to as Michelle. I didn't even think to use the character's name. The name Michelle might not even be said in the movie it's so unimportant, and "MJ" is just an Easter egg.

It was a pleasant surprise to see Pepper Potts back, but am I to understand that Stark wanted to propose to her? Where did this come from? There was no setup. They patched things up after Civil War; I can believe that. I can even believe Pepper Potts is completely aware that he wants to propose to her. That's entirely in character. But the whole scenario is completely out of place in this movie and so sudden after knowing they weren't together in Civil War. I suppose it makes sense, but it comes off as tacked on and randomly sappy.

There is a super-cut somewhere out there of all the extra scenes exclusively filmed to advertise products. Product placement is one thing, but it's almost like these are extra pieces of the movie, though they might not be canon since Peter doesn't know how to drive at the end of the movie. There's Peter getting his driver's license with a Volvo that Stark bought for him, and Peter going to the store and running into Wiz Khalifa while trying to buy a specific brand of crackers for a guest at a Lakers party that Stark is throwing. Must be Sony's contribution.

Off-subject, but “Jumanji” looks terrible. They clearly took a random unrelated script and decided to market it as a retro sequel to Jumanji.

And now the praise:

The suit works perfectly for Spider-man. It's not armor and it doesn't shoot things, so it's not Iron Man. Neither does Karen tread into Jarvis territory. Tom Holland can't carry a heads up display scene while he's wisecracking to a butler with dry wit. Plus his comics counterpart has had drones in the past, and maybe even built in GPS. I don’t know. The point is, it fits.

The Vulture had a LOT of shades of the original cinematic Green Goblin. I enjoyed that. His wings behaved like the glider pretty often, and he had a personal connection to Peter that was menacing and uncomfortably parental. It was a great homage while at the same time making Toombs an original villain of his own with understandable motivations. He deserves the praise he's getting for his performance.

When Stark rescued Peter with an unmanned armor, I predicted that Peter would mistake his appearance later for another empty armor. I called it, and the emotion in the scene played out perfectly. What a great way to use something from Stark's existing mythos to illustrate an emotional moment like this.

The "Eight Years Later" issue is way overblown. All of Phase 1 doesn't even need more than a year to take place before the original Avengers, and in fact for Pepper to take four years to get to know Coulson is pretty weird in the first place. Most of Phase 1 is in the past or on another planet. (Or by another actor XD) The Avengers could easily take place in 2009, and even if it didn't, Iron Man could take place one year earlier, or Spider-Man could take place one year later. Anything can be adjusted by a year or two to make this work. In the current status quo, Civil War and Spider-Man could take place in 2018 and 2019, and that would fix the inconsistency with Daredevil. There are no real canon time requirements anymore.

I loved how Peter just failed at interrogating Donald Glover's character, and Glover was perfectly patient with him and even gave him advice. Notice that Peter actually does improve his communication technique when he puts on the gruff voice by himself to commandeer Flash's car.

I think they'll have to revisit Spider-man's actual foundational origin for Spider-man 2. This was pretty much Marvel's origin story for all of the new components of the new, individual Spider-Man of the MCU, but none of these characteristics that they're focusing on introducing really touch on the deeper parts of Peter's story. Where was he when he got bitten? What happened to Uncle Ben? Instead of just focusing on his suit and his new place in the MCU, they're eventually going to have to explore his actual background and how that affects his life.

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