#had to put my phone down multiple times when getting the photos cuz i was getting so giddy my heart felt like it was about to burst

[pinkglittergelpenink]

you may like long hair spencer but i love him in a deeper and more complex way (/j)

[kittievampire]

There's this text message from Simeon where he doesn't know how to take pictures on his phone. MC offers to help and he says that Lucifer would be impressed to see his pictures if MC taught him what to do.

My headcanon is that Simeon isn't as naive as he seems tho (cuz how you gonna be an angle and be dressed in the most slutty outfit huh). So MC goes to purgatory hall, helps him out, then "helps him out" wink wonk and he uses his 'new' camera skills to take pictures of her. And a couple 'accidentally' make their way to Lucifer.

I think it would be best if the way Simeon acts genuinely makes mc believe that he's innocent so she's not just naive, he's playing her ya know? Fuckboy Simeon? Gaslihhting? Imagine if he said "you know what you're doing". Okey tanks <3

So jealous cause I never got this text from Simeon >:(

Like, does bro not love me too? Wtf?

Anyways,

Lemme see what I have in my bag, dear~

Click here if ya wanna request!

Taking Photos is Hard!

Warnings: Cursing, Smut, Feigning Innocence (Gaslighting), Fuckboy! Simeon x Fem! MC, Photo/Video Exhibitionism, Creampie, Mention of Facial, Lucifer is the real victim here

Enjoy.

Simeon wasn't the best with technology, and you knew this.

That's why you were so compliant when he requested your assistance.

"I'm sorry, again, for inconveniencing you, MC." He apologized once more as he stepped aside, allowing you entry to his shared room with Luke. "Luke is out right now. He and Barbatos had planned a baking marathon, and Solomon wanted to tag along as well, so it's just the two of us in here."

You nodded your head in understanding, sitting down on the white sofa. "Ooh, this is comfy," You said with a small smile. "Okay!" You clasped your hands together. "You said you needed help with photos. Do you know how to get to the camera?"

Simeon pulled the device out of his pocket, pinching his brows together as he swiped through the applications. "Yes... I believe so, I've been there once... What does it look like?" He asked, eyes flicking to meet your gaze for a mere moment before looking back down at the screen. "It has a camera icon," You said, gently grasping his arm and tugging at it so he'd sit down beside you on the sofa.

The angel sat himself down beside you, and you peered over his shoulder to look at the D.D.D., pointing at the camera icon. "Right there." He clicked on it, screen immediately presenting a closer look at his crotch area. You could've sworn you saw a tent in his pants, but you quickly shook it off with a blush.

"Okay, so, do you see this huge white circle right here?" Simeon nodded. "That's what you're going to click to take a photo."

The angel stared down at the D.D.D. "Oh, what does this thing do?" He asked, swiping to the video option and pointing at the red circle. "That's to take a video. Go back to the camera."

There was silence for a moment.

"How do I do that?" You let out a small sigh, swiping back to the camera option. "Try taking a photo, I'll be your model!" You joked, leaning back onto the couch. "Ah, okay! Wow, you sure know what you're doing!" Simeon shot up with a smile, holding the D.D.D. in each hand horizontally. You sighed in relief, thankful that he knew how to, at the very least, hold the damn thing when taking a photo. "Tilt your head to the side a little? Put your knees together, and push your arms against yourself, but leave your hands on the sofa!"

"Wow, you're really getting into the modeling thing," You chuckled softly, following directions and adjusting your position as per requested. The camera flashed and Simeon repositioned himself. "Turn over,"

_

After adjusting your position multiple times in this little photoshoot, you found yourself bent over the sofa, skirt at your ankles, and Simeon slowly pulling your panties down to your knees. "S-Simeon, I don't think this is necessary!" The angel frowned, gently running a hand over your ass and caressing your lower back, which made you shudder. "Come now, MC. I'll let you photograph my most intimate areas as well if you be good for me." His voice was so sweet, almost as if he wasn't caressing the nakedness of the lower half of your body.

Simeon pulled his hand away, pushing his white pants down with one hand. "Stay just like that, Dove," He murmured softly, swallowing a lump in his throat as he saw your drooling cunt spew more of your essence onto your panties. A shudder sound was heard and you could see the wall glow a bit as the flash went off. Your breathing hitched as you felt your juices running down your thigh, pussy absolutely soaked in anticipation.

You wanted—

No, you needed him to do something. Anything!

Instead, Simeon stood behind you, snapping photos (mainly close-ups of your sopping cunt), while fisting his weeping hard cock. He then paused for a moment, swiping to the record option and hitting the red dot. "Dove," He moaned out softly, reaching out the hand that was getting himself off to gently run his fingers over your slit. You gasped. "What's this, hm? Why are you so wet?" You shook your head, burying your face into one of the pillows on the sofa. "I didn't know you were so perverted, Dove. You're dripping," He cooed, shifting his position so that he pressed the blunt tip against your entrance, precum oozing down to your clit. "W-Wha—?!"

You felt like the air was punched out of you, letting out a sharp gasp as Simeon slammed his entire cock into you in one go, your walls squeezing his length. You cried out, only for the angel behind you to shove your head into the pillow to silence you. "Shhhhh. MC, your voice is so angelic, but I want to hear what this cute little pussy of yours has to say as well," He said, angling the camera to capture how he thrusted his hips forward, cock slamming into you, earning a squelch from your cunt and a whine from your mouth, one that was muffled into the pillow. "There you go," He moaned out softly, moving his hand down to gently caress your ass.

Your walls clenched tightly around him, eyes rolling back as tears started to gather at your lower lash line. You squeezed the pillow in front of you, body jerking forward in protest to his rough fucking. Your vision was going blurry, and it felt like your brain was melting. All you could think of was Simeon and his huge cock that was fucking you into the sofa.

Simeon grasped one of your legs, lifting it and pushing your knee against the couch. This new angle allowed him to shift closer, thrust deeper into you, slamming into the spot that made you scream. "Quiet, MC," He warned softly, one of his hands moving down to circle your throbbing clit.

The stimulation from the bundle of nerves, as well as from his merciless thrusting, was sending you near the edge. "S-Simeon!" You moaned out, hugging the pillow close to your face. "That's it, Dove, let everyone know who's fucking you so good." His voice was so taunting yet so smooth, a sharp contrast to your shaky and slightly raspy voice.

He felt your walls convulse around him, letting out a gasp at how tight you were. "You're close, aren't you, MC?" Simeon stopped himself from leaning forward to kiss you, as that would screw with the camera angle. He chuckled softly. "You're squeezing me so tight, how naughty."

With a muffled cry of his name, you felt him slam into your sweet spot once more, and your orgasm racked through your body harshly, juices gushing out of your cunt, further lubricating his cock. Simeon started thrusting faster, the tip of his length bullying your cervix as he chased his own high, free hand gripping one of your hips tightly. "Gonna cum in you, Dove—" He groaned— "Take it! Take it all! Take all of my cum like a good girl, MC!" He whimpered out, almost begged before he buried himself deep inside of your cunt, moaning as he came. You could feel him filling you up, a white ring of his cum forming just around his cock as he painted your walls and filled you to the brim. He thrusted a few more times, riding out his high, before slowly pulling out of you.

Simeon zoomed in on your pussy, that was drooling with his cum, before stopping the video and taking a few pictures.

You turned your head to the side so you could breathe, panting heavily as you tried to gather your thoughts and come back to reality. That was, until you felt something poke against your cheek. You glanced over to see Simeon holding his cock up to your face, looking up to see Simeon holding the D.D.D., camera pointed directly at you.

"You didn't think we were done were you?"

_

Lucifer was in his study, stressed out from the stack of papers that still needed to be signed. He decided to take a short break and scroll through his D.D.D., though he wasn't expecting to get a text from Simeon so late into the night.

With a raised brow, the eldest looked at the notification.

Simeon: 3 attachments

"So he finally learned how to send pictures," The Avatar of Pride mumbled to himself, clicking on the notification before catching his breath in his throat. Lucifer nearly choked at what he saw.

The first picture was of your naked body sprawled out on a bed, a lewd expression on your face, and what he assumed was Simeon's cock balls-deep inside of your cunt. The second picture was of your face in front of the same cock, coated in cum with a dazed look on your face. The third was just of your pussy with cum pouring out of it, streaming down your thighs, as if you'd been stuffed completely full.

Lucifer felt his pants get tighter around the crotch, failing to notice the three dots that indicated Simeon typing.

Simeon: Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that would send to you!

Simeon: How do I save these to my gallery?

Hope you liked this anon!

Masterlist

[thema-nr-2]

hi pooks i love ur writing so much i cum everytime i read, can you do like a jealous subby bill?? no pressure obviously look after yoirself ❤️

that's not fair - B.K

✮ synopsis - that pouty little bitch cant wait a few hours for your return from your friends

✮ genre - smut

✮ word count - 2.4k

✮ content warning - nsfw duh, handjob, oral (m recieving), sub!bill, dom!reader (i guess reader's gender isnt really specifed), begging, degredation, use of pet names (slut, whore, baby, etc), cuffs, edging, orgasm denial, multiple orgasms, spit, let me know what i missed

✮ thank you so much i love you for this ALSO I SWEAR I HAD ANOTHER REQUEST BUT TUMBLR ATE IT CUZ I CANT SEE IT. FUCK.

“Bill, I’m going out with my friends, I’ll be home around 5.” You yelled out from downstairs.

You heard not a response, but the sound of Bill’s footsteps running down to meet you. “Again? Really?” He said in dismay.

“Yes, again. What’s the issue now?” You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms, pissed off at his jealous attitude that he didn’t even try to hide.

“Who knows.” Bill also crossed his arms at you, sticking his nose in the air and pouting.

“Whatever, Bill, I’m not putting up with this shit. Bye.” With that, you walked out the door without a single word. 

“Bitch.”

—

For the past 3 hours Bill could only think about you, and what a fun time you must have been having without him. He wished you’d pay more attention to him, rather than always going out with your friends. He didn’t like how jealous he got, but he just couldn’t help it! He always tried so hard to get your attention, but it never landed him anything but a harsh “stop being so needy, you brat.” 

Another hour or so and Bill still can’t shake you off his mind. As he lies on the bed, staring mindlessly at the high ceiling, his thoughts gradually grow more vulgar. Bill could barely go a day without your touch in some form, and having you leave first thing in the morning was setting him off. He needed you home and he needed you home right now. 

Bill hesitantly picked up his phone and texted your number.

Meine Liebe 🫶 

babyyyy

what

i miss you :(

okay

come home :) 

no bill i’m not coming home

pleaseee? 

no.

but :( i need youuu

i don’t care bill wait it out.

that’s not fair :(((

Attachment: 1 image.

you stared at the notification, oddly creeped out and wondering if you should open it. You turned your brightness down and tilted your phone screen away from your friends, who were all too busy eating and talking to even notice. 

“That fucking slut!” You gasp, a little louder than you thought you were being. Your eyes widen as you view the photo of your boyfriend’s dick, his hand grasping the base tightly. “What does he think he’s doing?” 

Your friend looked up at you with a look of worry. “What’s wrong Y/N?” She asked.

“Nothing, I just… I have to go home. Bill’s sick.” You lied. Your friends shrugged it off, already aware of how needy your boyfriend could get; it was nothing new. 

Just before you left you quickly shot him one more text.

Billy ❤️ 

i’m on my way, don’t you dare do anything else before i’m back.

read 3:20pm

You knew you shouldn’t have given in so quick, this was only teaching Bill he could get away with shit like this and not face any consequences, but you just… couldn’t help it any longer. And there’d sure as hell be a consequence either way when you finally got your hands on him.

You sped down the street as fast as you could without risk of getting pulled over, though not really caring about that. As you finally pulled into your driveway, you sat in your car in contemplation. What were you gonna do with him? Though you were mad, you couldn’t help but feel the wetness in your panties get worse and worse the more you thought about him.

“Bill.” You called sternly. Bill’s head shot up when he heard your (clearly more than pissed off) voice echo from across the house, but still he stayed silent. You scoffed at his lack of response and you made your way upstairs, the loud clacking of your heels on the wooden floor making your presence known. 

You slowly opened the door to find Bill lying on the bed in just his boxers and a loose shirt hanging off his right shoulder. He seemed to be just playing on his phone like he always would. “Bill what the fuck.” Bill didn’t reply, he didn’t even look up. He had a stupid pouty expression on his face. Was he still pulling this? This fake mad act to get you riled up? “Bill, answer me.” He averted his gaze further away from you, fueling your annoyance more. You knew that’s what he wanted, you were just giving the reaction he wanted. 

You walked over to him, leaning over the side of the bed to grab his face tightly, forcing it towards you. “Look at me when I’m fucking talking to you, whore.” You glared at him. Bill finally met your eyes, there was no emotion whatsoever behind your gaze. “I was gone for a few hours, Bill, a few hours. How needy are you!” 

Bill’s pout faded and turned into a scared expression. He looked up at you with the best puppy eyes he could manage, in hopes to make you go a bit easier on him. “I was just jealo-”

“So you send me a photo of your dick in your hand? You know you shouldn’t be touching yourself without my permission, could you really not wait til I got home?” 

“I-I’m sorry…” He frowned. 

“Don’t give me that shit right now. If you want me so bad you can have me.” You wasted no time pushing his legs apart and crawling in between them. You pulled his boxers down quickly, seeing how hard he still was. You grabbed his dick, running your thumb gently over his leaking tip. 

Bill let out a moan as he hid his face. You grabbed his chin with your other hand. “Look at me, you slut.” You let go of his dick, putting your hand out in front of him. “Spit.” You said, firmly. 

Bill did as he was told and spat in your hand. You ran your hand up and down his throbbing dick at an agonisingly slow pace. Bill lulled his head back, the warmth of your saliva coated hand around him sending needles of pleasure down his spine. He squirmed under your touch, biting back his whines as best he could. “Mmh, Y/N.. faster please…” 

You look up at him, raising one eyebrow. “You think you deserve that?” 

Bill went to nod, but stops himself.

“That’s what I thought. You’ve been a brat all day just because you can’t handle my attention being on somebody else for more than 10 minutes. This needy slut doesn’t even deserve my hand around his dick.”

Bill bit his lip harder at your words, not wanting to give away how much they turned him on. (Though you already knew damn well) A mix of desperation and guilt shot through Bill as that stupid pout appeared once again. “Don’t pout at me. You wanted this, didn’t you?” Your hand speeds up slightly, finally giving into what he wanted. 

He arched his back, hips bucking into your hand slightly. You pushed his hips back down with your other hand, shooting him an irritated look. Bill looked down in guilt again, his long, dark, hair covering his face perfectly. 

He whimpered loudly as your other hand caressed his tip, running your fingers over the slit. “Shit.. mmmh..” His mouth hung low as he threw his head back against the headboard of the bed. His hands clutched the sheets as you felt his dick twitch in your hand. 

“Aww, is my poor gonna cum already? How pathetic, getting so close so quickly.” You laughed. Bill’s face was heated up a dark shade of red at your degrading words, embarrassment written all over it. 

“Y-yes oh god let me cum.. please… I need it so bad…” He begged. 

“You can beg harder than that, Bill.” You denied him. 

“B-baby, please, I wanna cum for you.. Let me cum, I swear I’ll never be a brat again. Please!” He whined, his cries getting more and more desperate as he tried to hold back his orgasm. 

You gave him a look of sympathy as you sped your hand up as much as you could, your wrist now starting to hurt. “That‘s it, Bill, cum for me like the slut you are.” 

Bill couldn’t even get a response out, all he could do was moan and hold the sheets tightly in his fists. His hips instinctively jolt into your hand again as he cums in your hand. He pants heavily, understanding that he finally got the release he wanted, and now he could relax with you. But you didn’t stop your movements.

Bill was pulled from his euphoric state at the feeling of you leaning down and pressing your tongue against his dick, holding him down by his thighs. “A-ah, Y/N I can’t take m-more…” He said as his hands flew to grab your hair. 

“You can, and you fucking will. Take what I give you. Don’t you wanna be a good boy? I thought you said you wouldn’t brat anymore?” 

Bill tried to close his thighs in reflex, his sensitive dick already getting hard again. You licked a stripe up his dick before softly wrapping your lips around his tip. Bill gasped in response, shutting his eyes tightly and tugging a fistfull of your hair.

You winced, lifting your head off and glaring at him. “You need to learn how to take it better dont you?” Bill nodded. You leaned over to grab a pair of handcuffs from the bedside table, firmly cuffing his wrists to the bed. Bill shook his head in protest as he strained against the cold metal that was sure to leave marks. “Aww, does my darling boy not like being restrained? Too bad.” He pouted as you took fake pity on him, wanting to say something mean in response but the overstimulation when you went back down on him had him at a loss for words.

You started to fully take him into your mouth, flattening your tongue as you bobbed your head up and down. Bill whined in pleasure, tears threatening to fall down his pale face. His wrists strained against the cuffs once again as he so badly needed to touch you. He tried to hold back, he really did, but the poor boy was too sensitive. Already knowing he shouldn’t, he bucked his hips into your mouth. You felt his tip hit the back of your throat and you gagged slightly. You pushed his thighs back down to restrain him further as you kept sucking him off, stroking whatever you couldn’t fit. 

Bill felt the tears prick the corner of his eyes and slowly fall down his cheeks as he whined loudly. Due to how sensitive he was already, he could feel himself getting closer to his second orgasm already. “Y/N, bitte, I’m gonna cum again…” He moaned out loudly. You sped up, trying to bring him as close to the edge as possible without letting him let go. “F-fuck I’m right th-”

You cut him off by lifting your head off slowly. 

Bill’s eyes widened at the sudden loss of contact. The pleasure leaving his body as he met your innocent smile. “W-what the fuck, I was so close…”

“That’s what you get for being a brat, baby.” You said simply, as if it were common sense he don’t get to cum.

“B-but… Y/N, schatz…” 

“Don’t try to ‘b-b-but’ your way out of this.” You mocked.

Bill’s head sunk down low as he felt his face heat up with embarrassment again. “Please, Y/N, please! I’ll take it, I’ll take as much as you give me, please… just let me cum! This isn’t fair.” 

“Hmm…” You ponder to yourself. Part of you wanted to cave. His big doe eyes and his pouty expression as he breathed in and out heavily in desperation were enough to convince you. Another part wanted to leave him there, helplessly tied up, begging for your touch once more. You gave him another fake look of pity as you finally gave into his excessive begging. “Alright baby, but absolutely no complaining about how you can’t take it. Got it? You’ll take what I give you.”

“Yes fuck yes, I understand. Please just let me cum…” He begged again. 

You wasted no time, immediately going back down on him at the same pace. He threw his head back in pure ecstasy, mumbling a mix of swears and also thank yous at the feeling of your mouth wrapped around him again. You hollowed your cheeks as you took him all the way down your throat, trying not to gag. You dug your nails into his thighs, causing him to whimper in pain. 

His dick, now coated completely in salvia, twitched inside your mouth as his orgasm neared him again. This time, you didn’t stop nor slow down. You kept going at the fastest pace you could take. You knew your jaw would hurt like hell later, but hearing Bill whimper under you like a slut was enough reward for you. You flattened your tongue against him, letting him hit the back of your throat again. 

“R-right there… god don’t stop please, don’t fucking stop…” He whispered, his voice breaking with every moan he let out. As a mix of salty tears and smudged eyeliner continued to roll down his face, his jaw dropped as he hit his second climax. You didn’t pull off, enjoying the feeling of letting his cum run down your throat. He shivered under you, panting like a dog. “F-fuck…” He tilted his head towards you in euphoria as he took in the sight of him. You finally pulled your head off, swallowing every drop of his cum you could, as well as bringing your hand up to lick your fingers. 

“That was…” He said, stunned.

“That was what, hmm?” You replied with a smug expression on your face.

“Incredible… I’m sorry for being a brat today…”

You have him a pitiful look, leaning over to stroke his hair gently. “It’s okay, schatz. We all have our jealous moments. Some more than others.” You added, chuckling at him. 

“Shut up..” He whispered.

You crawled on top of him, finally undoing the handcuffs around his wrists. You admired the red marks along them, knowing they’d stay for a while. 

“You really hated being tied up like that, didn’t you?” You said, pointing to his wrists.

Bill giggled as he nodded slowly. He lied down, his breathing still heavy and ragged. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too Billy.”

i dunno what happened here i just woke up and started writing my ass off so now my hands hurt really bad but its ok cuz im spoiling yall rn!!!! anyways enjoy ahhh ill try to write more because im on school break i sweaaaaar

[galasdian]

I'm learning to crochet!

I decided that I don't like any of the news on here today so instead I'm going to show you guys what I've been working on because I realized that I usually don't actually post any of it here.

At the beginning of 2024 I decided during the middle of an ice storm that I was going to teach myself to crochet. You know how it is. Anyway here's everything I've made that I still have photos of (I had to switch phones recently and lost some of my stuff)

so approximately an order: I started with a pair of leg warmers I could wear to work. On the one hand they are very cute and very warm on the other hand I cannot get them to stay up I need to add a tie to the top of them.

And then I made a whole sweater. My second project I sat down and lately modified a video pattern (shortened the sleeves and made it a little bit wider cuz I am not as skinny as the original maker) and most importantly... I decided instead of the standard collar I wanted a turtleneck but you see this was my second project ever... And I may have underestimated how wide the chain I made was going to be and ended up with a... Mild monstrosity. It's incredibly silly and I love it

Next I made this muffler by teaching myself how to do crocodile stitch. I was using leftover yarn from the sweater and some black I had around.

And then I remembered that a friend of mine had made a request years ago back when I was still just doing loom knitting asking if I could make them a shawl and I did not have the skills and talents for that at the time but I do now so I contacted their partner and had them give me their new address and tell me what colors they're into right now and secretly made them this shawl

And then I this crocodile scale dice bag to put in the box for the partner so they would have a nice surprise too.

And my most recent project finished yesterday: My coworker is having another baby and has not told most of us yet. They have forgotten that I can hear everything that happens in the next room over though so I overheard part of the conversation of them telling our boss. So I thought it would be fun to surprise them with a pair of stuffed rabbits. Rabbits were my animal of choice for stuffed animal as a kid. And I like the idea of having one for each of the kids. I'm going to be keeping them in my desk until they tell me.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this tour oh my God I almost forgot the important one that took up multiple months of my life just a second.

I made an entire blanket. It is made out of leftover yarn given to me over the years by various people and remnants from projects I've done previously. I like to call it the gayest blanket because not only is it a full rainbow but I did absolutely no math. Didn't count a single thing.

Anyway I think that's all of them.

[majesticbrownjawn]

Nervous

@soufcakmistress didn’t realize when she posted this that it would inspire me to write. Thanks boo. Here’s what happens when you so thick it makes Erik nervous...but not really cuz he doesn’t get nervous. 

--------------------------------------------

“I ain’t shy, you just so thick I’m a little nervous.”

“Really?”

He laughed at her shock at his statement. The look she gave him as she stared up at him in awe was cute as shit.

“Don’t worry, when I’m fucking you, all that nervous shit gon be out the window.”

“Excuse me?”

The trap music was loud, but not that loud.

“You heard me Thickums.” He leaned in close, his beard tickling the side of her neck when he spoke.

Y/N squeezed her legs together involuntarily, the weight of her thighs pressing against the sides of her clit, causing a soft moan to slip from her lips. He definitely heard it and now she was nervous.

Again.

As fate would have it, she’d seen Erik on Instagram before on multiple occasions. He gained notoriety after one the mother of one of his students posted him on IG with the caption, “My son’s teacher bout to have my ass bringing him an apple everyday!”

Another user found Erik’s profile, and BOOM, 40K followers overnight. It was no wonder though. Y/N had seen the photos of him in the school’s navy blue polo, muscles protruding from his sleeves.

But seeing him in person was almost too much. Your heart and other bits went thumpity-thump-thump when you spotted him at the house party two hours ago. You weren’t surprised to see the swarm of women around him or the fact that he was enjoying the attention.

“I feel like I’ve seen you somewhere before...were you at the brunch on 14th a couple weeks ago?”

“No. I don’t go to brunch often.”

“Too many niggas like me hassling you, huh?”

You bit back a smile as he glazed over your frame again. Yea, niggas hassled you, but they certainly didn’t look like him.

“You’re not hassling me.”

“Aight good. But for real tho, like damn… you just so—“

A woman plopped down next to you with a cup full of alcohol. She was drunk and desperate for the attention of the man sitting to your right. She leaned into you hard, so you leaned into Erik. The pads of your fingers to gripped his thigh for leverage. You couldn’t have anticipated brushing up against the tip of his firm, warm dick. Time stopped and you momentarily forgot about the freshly spilled tequila on your white t-shirt dress. Erik’s mouth hung slightly ajar, clearly turned on by your accidental groping. You didn’t read it that way though.

“I’m so sorry!”

You flew up from the couch and ran to the first door you could find. As you raced through the party, you’d decided as soon as your dress was dry, you’d head for the front door and straight to your car. The music was so loud and you were so frazzled that you couldn’t hear Erik behind you trying to tell you to slow down. You nearly slammed the door in his face when you found a random bedroom just behind the DJ booth.

“You move fast girl.” You jumped in surprise at the sound of his velvety voice.

He was stuck when you finally turned around, revealing the mess the woman on the couch made on you. The cotton fabric of your dress was saturated with tequila, giving Erik a vivid display of your mesh bra underneath. He could just barely see the outline of your deep brown areolas. You watched his eyes dilate as he zeroed in on your pebbled nipples. You felt vulnerable and exposed and turned on as he stood before you, speechless.

“Erik?”

“Yea, baby?” He slowly lifted his head to meet your eyes.

“Baby?” You giggled.

“Yea. You baby now…And, I don’t know your name. You dipped out before I could ask.”

“It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N, Y/N,” he repeated it like he was trying to etch it in his brain. “Why you run away?”

“I tend to do that when things get awkward. I’m sorry.”

“Shit ain’t get awkward until you took off.” He walked a few paces to lessen the space between you. “Don’t run away from me again. OK?”

His large hand gripped the side of your neck, his thumb caressing your jaw. He had to be the type of nigga that sprayed his colonge on his inner wrist. The sweet-spicy musk tempted you to turn your head and kiss the palm of his hand.  

“Umhm,” you nodded.

“Umhm, what?”

“I won’t run away from you again.”

“Good girl. Now, what were you going to say?”

He took a seat on the bed, keeping an eye on you like you’d still bolt at any second.

“Did I really make you nervous?”

He smiled so wide that the gold caps of his canines gleamed against the light in the room.

“Yea. I meant that shit. You perfect.” He reached out and pulled you in between his legs. “These thighs are what I noticed about you first.”

His hands slowly glazed over the back of your knees and upwards until he reached your thighs. He gripped them suddenly, making you gasp. His deep eyes grew dark with desire as he gazed up at you. The intensity in them made you want to look at anything but him.

“Hey…Y/N.”

“Hmm?”

“Look at me.”

Your eyes darted to his lips. They were so full and kissable.

“C’mere.”

You were already standing in between his legs staring down at the growing knot in his jeans.

“Sit down.”

You took a half step back to sit next to him on the bed, but his hand grabbing your ass signaled that wasn’t he meant by sit down. You carefully lifted your dress a bit and straddled his lap. It felt like you melted into his bulky frame. He gripped you so tight, it felt familiar. Safe.

“Imma be real witchu, Y/N.” Erik’s head was nestled in between your breasts, listening to your sporadic heartbeat. “I know where I know you from.”

You could barely hear him. His warm hands exploring your body clouded your senses. All you could do was feel.

“I asked Teddy to invite you tonight.”

You were surprised, but you were so relaxed that you didn’t react in the way you normally would.

“I DM’ed you like two years ago, but you never responded.”

All you could do was chuckle. You would have remembered him DMing you and you absolutely would have responded.

“You don’t believe me? Look—“

He tried to pull away from you to grab his phone from his pocket but, nah. You tightened your thighs around him, cementing yourself further in his lap. The heat of your pussy stilled him from moving further.

“So you already knew my name?” Your fingertips massaged his scalp. All he could do was hum in the affirmative. He allowed your hands to explore him as much as they wanted. Shoulders, arms, lips…

“Kiss me.” There was a hint of desperation in his voice that made you weak. The faint moan that slipped from him when your tongue entered his mouth made you weaker. The involuntary grind of your hips against his dick drove you crazy. You couldn’t get enough of the feeling of him pressing into you.

He leaned back with you still gyrating on him. Erik wanted to see more of you. You didn’t realize he slipped your dress over your head until you felt the pads of his fingers swiping back and forth across your nipples. You were so needy to cum now.

He drank you in, intoxicated by the look of you get getting off on his clothed dick.

“Erik,” you whispered. “Imma cum.”

Just the thought of his face between your legs, lapping up your pussy juices had you nutting all on his lap.

“Oh shit, oh shit….Fuuuuuuhhhhk.”

You whimpered into his mouth as you finished and he kissed you hungrily, suckling your lips.

“You feeling good as hell right now, huh?”

“Yes, nigga. What you think?” You laughed, looking down at the sticky puddle in Erik’s lap.

“I made a mess on you. I’m sorry—“

“I like that shit, Y/N. It lets me know how bad you want me…it’s good to know, especially since you was ignoring my DMs and shit.”

“Whatever. I know I would have talked to you if you DMed me.”

“You was with dude then.”

He was referring to your ex, Mark.

“I could tell you were a good girl so I figured you might not respond but it was worth a shot.”

“Would a good girl do what I just did with you?”

“Yea. Maybe with her man.”

You kissed him and smiled.

“Good thing I did it with you then. Wouldn’t want to ruin your opinion of me.”

Erik reached over and grabbed the dress from the other side of the bed and put it back on you.

“I love you so much, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Erik.”

“You ready to go home? I wanna be comfortable while I’m eating ya pussy. All this noise is too much.”

He held you close to him as you made your way back out into the crowd. You could faintly hear Teddy, Erik’s best friend yell, “Happy anniversary!” as you exited the party.  

-------------

@harleycativy @queenflaws @theogbadbitch @goddessofthundathighs @syndrlla97 @soufcakmistress @mbakusprincess @supersizemeplz @therealmrsrhodes @toniilaney @raysunshine78 @19jammmy@killmonger-fics @just-peachee @trinityaneise​ @wawakanda-btch @ladymac82@just-peachee @ladymac82​ @suburbanblackhoe

[devilyn]

belated regrets | kuroo tetsurou

— alexa, play: remember me by umi

Cuz I'm getting older Know that I've changed But I can't go back now Nothing's the same And I won't forget how You called my name When I was afraid And now I'm afraid

— synopsis: after taking advantage of your friendship, what will kuroo do to win it back?  — genre: angst, friends to lovers if you squint — word count: 3.1k

This wasn't like you. You had stopped crying over Kuroo months ago. You stopped thinking about whether or not he had eaten yet, if he had gotten home safe, if he would text you goodnight, and yet here you were. You were crying again, after claiming you moved on and healed, and after telling all your friends that you would cut him out of your life.

You wish you blocked his number. It felt mean to do it back then, but you really wish you did, because now you definitely wouldn't be able to.

"I think we should take some time apart," were the words you whispered to him over the phone one night a few months back when he was telling you about some girl he had gotten close to in his chemistry lecture.

There was a painful silence that lasted over 15 long seconds. You'd never forget. You counted, after all.

"Why?" he asked quietly. "You're my best friend. What did I do wrong?"

Your 'friendship' had always been strange, after all. Everyone told you that, and even Kenma firmly believed that the two of you would end up dating eventually. But every time, Kuroo would laugh and ruffle your hair while proclaiming he would never date you.

And every time, you'd force a smile and agree with him.

"This friendship...just isn't what it used to be," you answered. It was true. Ever since the two of you got to college, things had changed. He met different people through his classes and bustling parties, and thus different girls that he'd ask you about. You manufactured his sweet texts to them, all while wishing he'd send them to you and feel just as nervous calling you late at night. You'd help guide him through the process of asking her out, then let him come over and be sad when he was rejected. 

Every aspect of your friendship became about him, him, and him. His academics were doing well--he was a surprisingly smart man after all--but they took a toll on him mentally, as they do to all college students. The same happened to you as well, but never once did Kuroo ask about how you were doing, how you were feeling, how you were coping with the sudden changes to your life.

You kept in contact with Kenma, who you'd text once in a while to tell him about how much you hated his previous captain. And Kenma would listen to you cry over the phone about his foolish childhood friend that knew nothing about your growing feelings for him. He was the only person who kept you grounded, and understood that your feelings for Kuroo couldn't be so easily tossed aside as the rest of your friends claimed. He also was the one who encouraged you to end your friendship with Kuroo gently, knowing that he would have to deal with the aftermath of Kuroo's confusion.

"Can I fix it somehow?" Kuroo asked in a panic, and you laughed bitterly. You had asked him many times to fix things--his treatment of you as if he were your therapist being the main one. He’d apologize, yet things would always end up returning to how they were before, with you being at the bottom on his list of priorities.

"Not anymore," your voice cracked, and you cleared your throat to pretend like you weren't crying. "I think you'll be fine without me."

“Y/N--”

“Don’t call me from now on, please. Don’t come over, because I won’t answer the door,” you paused. “...you’re still going to be my friend. I just need space.”

A lie. You knew it, and Kenma did too when you rehearsed your lines to him. He told you such, but you couldn’t bear to tell Kuroo the truth.

And even as you hung up, deep down, you wished he would disobey your wishes. You wanted him to text you and come to his senses, realizing he was wrong. You wanted to relive late night calls where you would laugh and talk about absolutely nothing just because you couldn’t fall asleep. You wanted to go back to him showing up at your front door with a bucket of fried chicken to reward you for studying hard for your midterm exams. You wanted to lay next to him on a grassy field again, where he was gazing up at the stars and you were mesmerized by how beautiful your best friend was, inside and out.

But Kuroo never called. You no longer sent him good morning texts, asking how his day was, and he stopped asking for your advice. It was like the two of you were less than friends. You’d only speak when you sent him an occasional meme that reminded you of him, or a song you knew he would enjoy. He’d respond earnestly, as if your friendship of over four years wasn’t shattered during that one call months ago.

Kenma called you an idiot for not cutting him off entirely, and you would have to agree with him. You were an idiot who was head over heels for a man who would never share your feelings.

It took months for you to get over it, but the distance you put between the two of you definitely helped. So why was it, all of a sudden, after you were finally healing and moving on, that Kuroo decided to call you out of nowhere?

You stared at your buzzing phone, the image of a stupid face Kuroo made flashing on your screen. 

Should you pick up? Should you pretend like you didn’t see his call? During your time contemplating, his photo faded away and your phone stopped vibrating angrily against your coffee table. 

Your heart felt like it was going to beat through your chest when you saw the ‘one missed call’ notification flicker mockingly at you. You stared at your phone, breath hitching in your throat when suddenly, you received a new text from none other than Kuroo Tetsurou himself.

“Fuck,” you cursed, leaning your head back against the couch and groaning loudly. Should you call Kenma? You could already feel a headache incoming. 

Why? Why did Kuroo always do this to you? He’s always had terrible timing, and apparently that never changed.

You plucked your phone from the table, braving it all and finally reading what he had to say to you.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you fucking serious,” you grumbled, squeezing your eyes shut to chase away the anger building up inside of you. “Now? Now of all times? Does he even know what he’s sorry for?”

It wasn’t uncommon for Kuroo to apologize to you just because he knew you were upset. Still, you always forgave him solely because he was your best friend. But now, you knew better.

Fully ready to toss your phone aside, your eyes caught a new text from your ex-best friend.

“I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

Liar.

“I’m sorry for that one time I told you I’d help you study for your chemistry exam but ended up forgetting and missing all your texts and calls.”

You remembered that day. You had confided in him about your bad grade, and when he told you he could help you study, you were over the moon at the thought of being able to raise your nearly failing chemistry grade (and at the thought of spending more time with him). You called him multiple times when he didn’t show up, but gave up when he didn’t pick up the fifth time. You stayed up all night studying on your own, but still ended up failing that exam. You dropped the class, and ended up taking it next semester to get a much better grade without Kuroo’s help.

“I’m sorry for when you couldn’t tell me why you cried the entire day but still let me over so I could complain about Kira turning me down.”

That day, you were extremely overwhelmed. Your roommate was out somewhere, so you were left on your own to cry over the endless amount of assignments you had to deal with, on top of everything else. Kuroo had called that day, clearly in distress, and though you were in tears, you wiped them away and put on a weak smile when he showed up at your front door with a pained expression.

You wanted to be there for him. He was your best friend, after all.

“I’m sorry for that time that I left in the middle of our movie night because Ayane called me and wanted to go out to eat together.”

Your heart stung at the memory. The sight of his back getting up from your couch while completely ignoring the hurt in your eyes was still engraved into your memory, even if you spent months trying to forget it. You had called his name, but he was too busy eagerly chattering on the phone to even hear you. When he turned around, it was to bid you goodbye before abruptly leaving you with a half-eaten bag of popcorn and an animated movie still running that you no longer felt like finishing.

“I’m sorry for making you think you didn’t mean anything to me.”

Did you make an impact on his life? Deep down, you had hoped you did, so he’d always remember you.

“I’m sorry for taking advantage of your friendship.”

That, he definitely did.

“I’m sorry for being the worst friend ever. I miss you so much, Y/N.”

Why were you crying again? Your hands came up to wipe at your cheeks before hurriedly video calling Kenma’s phone.

When he picked up, the first thing he did was sigh at the sight of your disheveled appearance. If you weren’t completely in tears, you may have laughed at his attitude towards the situation, but all you could do was let out a weak whimper.

“I think he’s drunk,” he spoke without you needing to say anything. The thought of Kuroo only texting you because he was inebriated hurt you even more.

“He’s such an asshole,” you managed to croak out between your cries. Kenma only nodded, eyes clearly focused on the screen of his PC. Briefly, they turned to look at you again and his expression softened.

“You should’ve blocked him,” he mumbled, and a weak laugh left your lips. “Are you going to reply?”

You were quiet for a bit, before shaking your head.

And with that, Kenma hummed softly. He stayed on the phone with you until you finished crying over his childhood friend, and only hung up when you finally promised him you’d call him again the next day.

Tomorrow came quicker than you thought it would, and you managed to ignore Kuroo’s messages without giving into the temptation to text him back. Your life went back to normal, relatively, aside from one thing.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you for not understanding me when you gave me advice. I was childish, and only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear.”

Now, Kuroo was texting you everyday with something he was supposedly sorry for. And now, you were calling Kenma everyday to beg him to tell Kuroo to stop, to just leave you alone so you could move on. And every day, Kenma would tell you that you both knew how stubborn Kuroo could be when he put his mind to something.

“I’m sorry for not being there for you whenever you needed me even though you were always the first one to worry about me and how I was doing.”

At this point, it had been a few days since the initial text, and you wanted nothing more than to find him and yell at him to leave you alone. You were fine with brief interactions, pretending like your feelings for him never existed and he never regarded you as someone he could trust with his deepest feelings. You were fine with that.

“I’m sorry for being stupid and being able to understand everyone else’s feelings except for my best friend’s.”

But now he was pushing your boundaries. He was asking for more than what you could give him without giving him your entire heart again. You knew, and Kenma probably knew too, that if Kuroo kept doing this, you’d end up forgiving him. You’d give up on all the work it took over the past few months to get over him and go back to being his best friend if he asked you to. All that courage you put in to cut him off in the first place would disappear, and you’d be back to square one.

“I’m sorry for not realizing you liked me, and that I like you too.”

That was the last straw.

“You’re a prick.”

His response was almost immediate.

“Can I call you?”

Before you even had the chance to reply, your phone was buzzing in your hand and you nearly dropped it in your surprise. Without thinking, you picked up. And you cursed yourself for doing that.

“Y/N,” his familiar voice calling your name in that teary tone nearly made you cry again. Instead, you bit down on your lower lip to prevent the sadness crawling up your throat. You could hear the noises of cars passing by on the other line. He must’ve been outside

“Y/N, I missed you so much,” Kuroo’s voice was weak, and cracked a bit as he spoke, as if he too was holding back tears. “Thank you for picking up the phone.”

There was silence between the two of you for a bit before you shakily breathed in.

“Please stop texting me,” you finally managed to mumble. “Please stop thinking that you actually have feelings for me just because I was a comfortable person to fall back to when you didn’t have anyone else to go on dates with at the time.”

“That’s not the case--”

“If that’s not the case, then what is, Kuroo?” you interrupted, voice trembling. “I’ve had these feelings for you for so long, and now all of a sudden I’m gone and you like me too? Fuck off, I can’t believe you of all people would think so lightly of my feelings.”

“Listen,” his voice was pleading. “It’s not like that. Can I talk to you in person?”

“If I see you, I’m just going to cry again,” you laughed bitterly. You could hear shuffling on the other line.

“Then I’ll hold you until you stop crying,” he retorted firmly, and your heart jumped in your chest. How long had you waited to hear him speak like that about you? Like he just might share the same adoration for you that you did for him?

“You won’t even be able to find me,” you mumbled more to yourself than to him. It wasn’t like you were at your apartment, after all. You needed to get away.

“If you really think that,” you jumped at the sound of his voice closer than you thought. Looking up from your feet, your traitorous heart rate raced at the sight of those familiar almond eyes and unfixable bedhead. “Then I must’ve been a really bad friend, huh?”

You spent an excessive amount of time just staring up at him from your spot on the swings, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. He had bags under his eyes, and his bedhead was a little messier than it had previously been. Despite all that, the man in front of you was undoubtedly the best friend you’d caught feelings for.

“...how’d you find me?” you finally asked as he took a seat on the swing next to your own.

“I wanna say that I’m just a genius, but honestly, you never removed me from seeing your location.”

Your eyes adjusted to the brightness of his screen. When you spotted the familiar profile photo of your smiling face on the map, all you could do was sigh. Anxiously, you ran your sweaty palms along your pants to wipe them off.

“I’ve said it a dozen times at this point,” Kuroo tucked his phone back into his pants, “But I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

“Yeah, I get it,” you mumbled, exhausted of his apologies at this point.

“I don’t know what more I can say besides I’m sorry,” he admitted weakly. You couldn’t find the courage to lift your head to look at his probably desperate expression. “I’ll be honest. I wanted to respect your wishes at first. If you wanted distance, I’d give it to you. But the more time passed, the more I missed you.”

You fiddled with your fingers and the edge of your shirt, trying to find any distraction so you didn’t have to listen to his explanation.

“I missed you so much,” he murmured, “I thought I was an idiot, for treating you the way I did. I took advantage of how comfortable I was around you, and when you finally left me, I realized how lucky I was to have someone I could be so myself with.”

He turned to look at you, and you finally lifted your gaze to meet his eyes. Your heart ached. He looked so tired.

“Have you been eating?” You asked quietly.

“See?” He smiled bitterly. “You care so much about me, and all I do is take that kindness and give nothing back.”

You felt tears prick at your eyes again as he took your hand and placed it onto his cheek, the familiar warmth of his hand reminding you that you truly would never be able to get over him.

“I hate you,” you lied through the tears slipping down your cheeks, “so much for everything you’ve done. For making me fall for you.”

“I’ll spend as long as it takes making it up to you if you’ll let me,” his other hand reached up to brush your tears away. “As your friend, and as someone who finally realized his feelings for you too late. And if I’m lucky, I hope you’ll let me back into your life.”

“It won’t be the same,” you admitted honestly. Truthfully, your friendship would never be the same after all the hurt you endured because of him. Things that may have seemed so small to other people hurt you deeply, solely because you trusted him so much.

“I trusted you to be there and to understand me,” you told him, “and you ignored all that. You can’t expect that to be fixed so quickly.”

“I know,” he brushed your hair behind your ear. “So I’ll give my all to build a new relationship with you. One where I’ll be better, and won’t hurt you ever again.”

The two of you were silent as you cried. Through your tears, you could see his wet eyes. The sight brought a weak laugh to your lips.

“Kenma said you’re way too stubborn when you put your mind to something,” you smiled sadly. “This is your last chance, Kuroo. Don’t ruin it.”

[dylanxmin]

nobody does it like you do∣ k.nj

this work made for valentine’s day and there is a masterlist where a couple of writers came together to write for the sprit of the valentin’s day. please check the masterlist, and give lots of love to each work !  ♡ ♡

bangtan pastries ; valentine’s mlist

you didn’t fall in love with kim namjoon at the first sight, or he didn’t look anything sweet in the metal cage, but out of the ring, he was the sweetest, kindest one you can meet. Day by day, you fell in love and after two years, he decided to be the cheesy lover. 

OR to cringe you in and out on the valentine days.

pairing; fighter!namjoon x female!reader

genre; cheesy romance, smut, light angst(very very light dark atmosphere,oops:), established relationship, valentine au, pwp?,,

rating; m +18

warnings; mention of blood(as nj is a fighter:), mention of sex, kinda toxic but not toxic relationship(they just way too in love:), cage fighting, mention of yoonmin(and they have daddy issues:), mention of crossdressing, namjoon is totally an exhibitionist(but not gonna happen), a couple of curse words, Valentine's Day cliches(of course, duhh!), master - pet kink, bdsm motives, bondage, shibari(?), dom namjoon, sub reader, oral (f), multiple orgasms, overstimulation, spanking, begging, dirty talk, pain kink, humiliation kink, degradation, choking, biting, marking, hair pulling, rough sex, messy sex, unprotected sex(u know what not to do:), ig reader has a thing for namjoon’s hands but yeah,,,

word count; 11.4k 

a/n; heyyy, happy late valentine’s???,,, well, i have lots of complicated thoughts on this one ‘cuz my mind and my muse had a big fight on this fic. One of them wanted it to be very, very dark while the other decide it would be too much(you should guess which one wanted it to be dark and which didn’t)... so ion know if this come out as dark or light? maybe in between? hopefully? Plus, smut took me ages to write, as it clear, I can’t write smut now. Yeah, tea is out ! lol. a n y w a y s.... hope you will enjoy reading it? PLS mind the warnings guys, ion want you to feel uncomfortable,, soo, enjoy it xx  ♡

             ‘‘Listen to your heart when he's calling for you

                 Listen to your heart, there's nothing else you can do’’

The question starts with a wrong turn at the top. Not ‘why?’. It should be ‘how?’. Would be more fitting, more understandable. 

How did you fall in love with him? 

Yes, you. How exactly did you fall in love with the man you called the love of your life?

Because he was a fine looking man? He was tall? Got a sense of fashion? He was hot, maybe? 

No. You fall in love because he has everything you want. Everything you need. And also more. Even more. 

It was the way the dark pupils lost behind the curl of his eyelids in a good laugh. Sugar skin dips down to force out the cute little holes, the dimples. Or the apricots, you called them mostly. 

Maybe you fell in love because you were jealous of the way he loved, cared for his plants and simply wanted to take their place in his heart. Or, he was so caring that he could still love watering his plants, talking to them while loving you crazy. Sending you to the moon before you can understand the lackness of your weights, the easiness of your heart, he would take you back. Land you gently as ever.  

Not knowing for sure, but you may also have fallen in love with him when he rented the second bike for you, so you could go to the mountains with him. Or when he had read the book you mention out of the context, without even paying attention that you couldn’t even remember when he said he read it in three days. 

Maybe it had happened because he gave you a soda when he took it for himself, or the one time he had chosen to stay with you rather than going out with his friend because you weren’t feeling well enough. Maybe-

When the killer hands for his opponent tangled above your skin so carefully that it felt like a feather, it may be the reason. The same hands that bloomed scarlet stains bake the most beautiful, heavenly pastries for you to lose in the taste, you may or may not fall in love. 

But-

You could say countless examples and it wouldn’t be enough as it didn’t happen in one night, or because of a thing. Just simply as ever, you, fell in love with the most dangerous - as well as the softest - man in Korea. 

The ruthless, mellow, the raptorial, thoughtful, destructive fighter one can ever see in a lifetime. 

Brightest man in the fighting industry. The idol of the young ones. 

The Chopper. 

Your lover. Everything you want. And more. 

Kim Namjoon. 

The darkest night and the brightest star at the same time. Every nightmare, every heavenly dream he was able to be at the same time but now, inside the metal cage, he chose to be the first one. To be his opponent’s nightmare as the constant strikes didn’t stop, continued to smash on the skin of the man who was looking almost at the same age as your lover, something was cracking. 

Stage surrounded by the crowd, acclaimings, a chain of the name of your lover’s attached to the lips of the audience, he was feeding by it. As it was obvious by the curl of his mouth, back muscles going lack and strains again with every syllable of his name. 

Opposite to the others, you were silent. Tongue-tied, mostly. 

Not because you are afraid of the crimson on his hand, or the light of something inhuman deep inside of his eyes. You were muted against the glory he held around himself. The way he owned everything and everyone in there, you as well. Sun-kissed skin glowing with victory sweats, and more, the bell ringed. 

Once, twice, and three times. 

Bell of the Chopper’s victory call. And everyone going crazy behind you, beside you, in front of you, you continued to watch your lover. Muted. Frozen. Swollen with pride. Couldn’t even take your phone to stick this moment into eternity, even though you want to have this moment in your pocket. Your lover’s arm on the air, fist tight enough to break a neck, smile of his proud beamed on his face. Daunting glares melt the moment they land on yours, melting into something you may call affection. 

Maybe a bit of bashfulness, as well. 

But then, the familiar sweet apricots come to light, and the ice that holds you still breaks into million pieces. And you smile back, eyes heavy with unshed tears. Chest fluttering as the effect of seeing his dimples never, ever fades away. Starting to clap one palm to the other, ease takes over. Relief gives your air back in your lungs after you realize there is nothing to be afraid of. He, your lover, the Chopper, Kim Namjoon won the fight and he is safe now. There is no harm he could get. 

So, that means you can turn your back, and leave the crowd behind to wait for him in the locker room for him to get done with all the things he has to. Such as taking photos, talking with his boss, and filling his pocket with money. Shortly, the thing you don’t want to be included, so you pushed the iron door to get inside the to-be-empty room but clearly it wasn’t and you stop at the entrance like a deer in the headlights. 

Obviously, you weren’t expecting two shirtless men to eat each other’s face, but the loud thug of the door broke their sessions while two pairs of eyes turned over you. Shallow breaths, pink glowing cheeks, you must say that they looked adorable. 

‘‘Happy Valentine’s Day, I guess?’’ biting your lips to prevent any sort of voice from coming out, the face eaters’ smiles burned bright, like the pink horizon on their cheeks. One of them waved at you from afar, and you returned the act.  

The one with mint neon hair sat on the bench, brushing his hair back before greeting you. ‘‘I assume Namjoon won as you are not crying or screaming your lungs out?’’ 

‘‘Maybe you can be a little lighter than that, hyung.’’ even though the other tried to hide away the bluntless of the older, you snorted. He didn’t say anything wrong, though. 

Waving a hand, you open the locker of Namjoon to get his things to leave here quicker. ‘‘It’s okay Jimin-ah. I know Yoongi enough not to be bothered by him, and he is kinda right. I did cry and scream a lot when Namjoon lost a fight, so..’’ your smile and shake of your shoulder gave the younger boy relief as he moved further to settle beside you. Eyes beaming bright, he was up to say something. 

Probably something he shouldn’t. 

‘‘You gonna beat his ass, don’t you?’’ to-be whisper words coming out of the orange haired boy right beside, the older’s scoff towered behind you two. ‘‘As he took you to his match on Valentine’s Day. You must be angry.’’ 

Placing the big bag on the bench, beside Yoongi, you shake your head with a smile stuck on your mouth. While placing the cloths and couple of wires in the bag, you began. ‘‘Well, this is not the best way to be in on such a day but I’m not mad. I would be if he hadn’t won the match, but I’m not right now. Plus, are you mad at him because he took you to his match?’’ 

Before answering, Jimin leaned and put a not so light kiss to his boyfriend’s lip. Or his kinda boyfriend’s lips? You didn’t know, they were kind of weird about the whole relationship thing they had. For the last two years of your life, they were in an on-again, off-again relationship and this mainly caused Yoongi's fear of coming out by his closet. The very oh so famous businessman father of course wouldn’t let his son go all around the city with a man who had the most beautiful face that his highly known friends could see around his son’s arms, and god forbid Jimin sometimes wears so mini shorts and skirts that could get the said man have ultimate heart attacks. Mr. Min’s fear was probably beyond what you could think, and that’s why Yoongi never was able to come out and act the way his heart wanted. His father holds so much power in his palms. And Jimin sometimes was okay with this, and sometimes it was the opposite. So that’s why you weren’t so sure if this was a relationship right now. It was something, something cute, funny, deadly and very, very destructive. But something. 

‘‘He’ll watch mine after his so, it’s okay.’’ his giggle alarming yours, you both voiced out soft laughs to the air of the room. After a couple of words exchanging, the iron door opened without a crack or a force like it weighing nothing, and you know, who was behind it. And the idea flapped your stomach before even seeing his face. Even after two years, you still haven’t built up immunity to seeing him with bruises. 

Probably he had very few, but still. It played with your stomach. 

Though, it wasn’t easier being far away from him only to not see his bruises, marks that were left behind after the momentarily act of violence. The need was immediate after the ring bell. The need where you only want to hold him between your arms, protect him as much as you can from any kind of danger, and even though you weren’t built for that, he would let you to cover him for protection. Let you play your little game in your mind if that means you were happy. But the cruel pain would still affect you as seeing his skin blooming purples and reds never been an easy thing. Of course, only on him. 

Of course, the man that you had no idea about the name he had or the age he’s in, didn’t bother you. Not in the past, or the moments ago. It only fascinated you. A grand sample of the power Kim Namjoon has had in him. A staggering but not a bad reminder of your lover’s impact. 

‘‘Ready to see me, Moonlight?’’ the honey sound coming from deep in his throat, it’s enough to shake your breath. Torturing the skin above your bottom lip, you made the choice of turning your face to him, and the ache was rapid to crawl and sit heavy on your chest. 

He opened his arms to guard you from the acidic pain you will have all around your skin, you run right into the giant embrace. But, acid still manages to boil the poor skin. Whether in his embrace or not. It was just a tiny bit more comfortable way to burn in agony. Even though knowing the man who lost the fight was probably too damaged to get another strike, you just wanted to land a punch to his rival. 

Again, again, again, again, and yes, again-

‘‘Shh… you know I’m okay, right? I won. We won, Moonlight. Look at me.’’ swelled fingers lifting the chin, glossy eyes reflected from his. Every muscle working so hard not to cry, almost purple ish, slightly open wound on the corner of his lips didn’t help much. Cheekbone throbbing below the fingertips you covered on his face, you stand on your fingertips to smack a kiss. No word would be enough for you to soothe you both, more likely yourself. 

Or maybe, your voice would crack so hard that you wouldn’t be able to hold the persistent tears anymore and would cry out loud. Which you weren’t sure if that was a bad thing. 

‘‘Does… Does it hurt?’’ voice coming out raucously, you sniffed. Croons of his pupils curl so caringly as Namjoon’s heart is way too soft for your red buttoned nose. Too much for the image he holds. Smile creeping up with a morning sun swiftness, the warmness it spread is fast. Almost sweet as the first light of the first summer day, it heals you from inside a bit. Then, Namjoon shakes his head, leans a bit to capture you in a world lifting kiss like there is no one. Open-mouthed, saliva mixing under the sweet taste, your heart purrs as you receive the source of your addiction. His kiss, and the chubby lips were indeed addicting. 

Behind the fake coughs, you pull away as the last piece of air left your lungs. Space full of loud panting, staring continued. 

‘‘You see, I am great. Nothing hurts, unless you start to cry and leave me aching.’’ snort drawn out by you, Namjoon frowns as he is offended. You open your mouth to say something, but the older of the room forestalls. 

‘‘Okay, love birds. Shall we give you some privacy or can you lead this sticky sickness somewhere else?’’ Both of you focus on the man who speaks by turning your heads at him. He still stands half naked in the room, his body looks a bit red as he warmed his muscles before his fight. And they still hang broad and visible. 

But the reply won’t come from you or Namjoon-

‘‘Sickness? You were humping my leg minutes ago.’’ Jimin spats, vein throbbing ferociously on the side of his neck. 

‘‘That was different, they-’’ 

‘‘Different my ass!’’ orange hair sways from one way to the other, Jimin knits his brow. ‘‘You are only disgusted because they are in a committed relationship and your feckless ass can’t do that.’’ 

The mood change was so sudden that the smile on the corner of your lips faded so late. No one, especially Yoongi wasn’t waiting for this as his mouth parts, voiced breath drawn out. He just blinks and watches as Jimin throws a tee over his naked body, and furiously leaves the room by your side as murmuring a faint ‘sorry’. It has Yoongi stand stock-still for a couple of minutes before he goes after Jimin, running and yelling his name. 

As you said before, they were something. Something your mind couldn’t catch the mood swings. Happy for one minute, a total disaster the next. 

‘‘He’s gonna have his ass sore in the night.’’ against Namjoon’s bluntless, you punch his shoulder out of reflex. And he laughs. 

‘‘Okay, okay. Not saying anything.’’ his hand hangs on the air, a dark shade washes over his eyes as his smile turns wicked from sweet. And you know what just possessed him. Both because the familiar smirk, and being captured between him and the cold lockers. ‘‘Or, would you want your ass sore instead?’’ 

His light brown locks messed with the darker ones, forehead covered by a couple of them, he hovered over you. Breath hitching around the throat, him jamming you to the locked with his huge, muscled fighter body has you warm. A little bit too hot as you gulp loudly, nasty grin grows more. And you want it. Want him to smash you right on the cold metal and make you sore everywhere but someone could walk in. Just the same as you did to your friends. 

‘‘What’s wrong, Moonlight? Don’t you want to celebrate?’’ index finger on your cheek wondrously shakes you inside and out. Each draw of the slender skin has you gasping because that’s all you can over him. ‘‘Not so happy over our win?’’ 

A smile comes out in your breath, you shake your head while his leg finds a way between your legs. ‘‘Not- not because of that. Someone… someone might come-’’ 

‘‘And that would be a bad thing?’’ 

Lips parts, closes and parts again. Brush of his fat thigh on your skin feels too much, you blurt out a moan before you get your head together. The moment you saw him without any cover over his upper half on the cage, you wanted to have his way with you. The need was burning by the start of the night, every punch, every loud growl had been making it grow bigger and bigger and you were pulsing on the down below. If he had his way with you, you could even forget the fact that he had a fight on Valentine’s Day, but the side of your brain, the consciousness place was screaming otherwise. Not that you ever listened to it.  

Namjoon kissed again. 

It was only understandable of you to give in. As he is the Kim Namjoon, the one who knew so well about taking whatever he wanted. It didn’t matter if it’s a fight, a place he wanted to get in, or you. He will get whatever he wants, and whenever. The taste on his tongue dancing sweet and thick down yours, you’d gladly stand defenceless. What can one do? He wanted it, and he got it. 

Kiss longs enough to choke you both, though he looks way unfazed comparing you, it broke apart. ‘‘This- this is not how I imagined spending Valentine’s with you.’’ chest heaving, you put your hands on his broad chest in case he tries to lean in. Not that it’ll affect him much, but… 

Namjoon’s brow knits while the ghost of his smirk wanders wide around his mouth. ‘‘Exactly. We need to do it, it’s Valentine’s Day-’’ he exclaims but you cut him immediately. 

‘‘Not in an ugly basement of some cage fighting thing going on!’’ 

He rolls his eyes with curled lips. ‘‘Like it would be the first time.’’ and you punch him this time. Hard enough to hurt because he deserved it. He laughs, claiming it’s only a joke and lands another but quick kiss. ‘‘Let me get clean and we can get out of here, okay? I may or may not have some plans.’’ then he won’t speak for feeling like eternity to you. No matter how many times you ask or whine what his plans are, he continues to hum the same song. He showers, the same hum on his lips, he changes into clean clothes while it still lingers. 

It is true that waiting sucks. It even more when the man you love so much keeps you waiting. You play with your phone until he is done with whatever he is doing, give some breaks only to huff and puff occasionally as both missing and curiosity fills too much of you. You know it’s not much as you both don’t like to be so fancy over anything, and don’t have so much to spend too. But whatever it is, it’ll make you so happy and thrilled because spending time with him always has you ecstatic. You were ecstatic the first time you saw him and have been till today. 

All the previous protests you held against your friend’s request of going to a cage fighting night had died the moment your eyes landed on him. Opposite to what Jungkook thought about you being petrified because of fear of all the bone crashing sounds, blood and violence, you weren’t. 

It was epiphany.  

Coming to a realization of the evil indeed could look beautiful, mesmerizing. Shouldn’t have been surprised so much as the evil itself is an angel, fallen or not. And it looked glorious in the cage, hiding under the skin of pink haired - brown locks were once pink and had undercut. - man who was beating the shit out of his rival in the cage. If he had that face when he lurked in the blood of the first one’s, you wouldn’t blame them for getting kicked out of the gates of heaven. It’s only natural to obey him, fooled by him. 

Even that moment, you knew he was everything. You knew you had to be with him, somehow. You craved his sweat covered body, his sinful fingers, parted lips to close them sweetly. 

His rage, his laser eyes, his flames-

The lust came before love, but they got along well. Falling in love felt like falling from the sky, and you were glad that you could understand how he felt years ago. The obscurity of it was terrifying, yet the thrill still beamed high. 

You were intoxicated by him, soothed by the tasty nectar of his apple. You were in love with him. And you were more than ready to be dismissed. 

‘‘Daydreaming again?’’ the man in his not so tight black jeans, matching boots and nothing more is now standing an arm length away, remains of shower still alive as his muscles and tattoos gleaming with the water drops. Air hitching around your throat, his smile beamed while he was busy drying his hair by a towel. ‘‘Bet you were thinking about me and what my plans are.’’ 

‘‘Cocky aren’t we?’’ a throaty laugh was his answer at your eye roll, a kiss you barely felt licked against your temple before he disappeared again to get fully clothed. A little bit of lying wouldn’t hurt him, but the truth about you thinking him twenty-four-seven would damage your pride so it was okay. Namjoon would not mind it, anyway. 

                                                                                                       ⋅＊⋆ ♥ ⋅＊⋰＊⋅ ♥ ⋅＊⋆ ⋅

The ride back home was a bit tough both for you two. Maybe more for him but if he wanted he could easily ease down your endless questions, but fortunately for both he didn’t. He hummed every question with a completely blank face, and chose to drive you wild. 

‘‘This is our way back home. We are going home?’’ 

A hum.

‘‘Are we going to the pub in the corner of our street? What was it, Bailey’s?’’ 

Another hum. 

‘‘You are not gonna tell me aren't’ you? This sucks, waiting sucks, you suck!’’ 

And there is the fucking hum and the laugh. He laughed at you like you were the one who acts hilarious. For the whole ride - and it was nothing more than twenty minutes but it felt like it - he hummed and laughed. Most of the questions were welcomed by silence, and the others died around your throat before even voiced out as well as your enthusiasm. Knowing he was doing this on purpose didn’t stop you from falling right into his game. Rather, you stuck in the middle of it and the struggle for going out pulled you even more. 

As they said, once you’re in the spider web, you fucked up. 

Well, you didn’t know who said it but it was true as you couldn’t get out of the bog of question and unknown. A nature you could call it, your curse. Being the absolute form full of curiosity and undying grudge you hold when you wouldn’t be able to get what you want. Maybe a bit spoiled as the other always called you, it never bothered you. What’s wrong with being a bit spoiled as long as you have what you wanted and didn’t hurt anyone? Well, at least the damages were not bad.

‘‘Home sweet home, huh? Hop off now.’’ it was direct when he stopped the engine of the car. Though, not rude. Namjoon could never be rude, and you know it better than anyone. Maybe he is in the cage, but that’s only natural. Cage was for animals, and he was one inside of the worn out metal. 

And again, you were angry. ‘‘Why didn’t you tell me I guessed it right at the head of the ride. I could have suffered less, you know.’’ and you had all right to feel your blood raging inside your veins, jumping right and left. Slamming the ages old car’s door without having mercy on it, you act before him and hurried your steps into your apartment. One hand searching the bag for the now lost keys. Of course, you weren’t just angry because you were going to spend the night in your house, you loved being at home with him. You were half-serious, half-acting your rage as a revenge. 

‘‘Woah, now don’t take our anger out of my girl, huh. What do you say?’’ he was coming back at you, grin hide away. Namjoon always adored how you were the literal ball of anger. Looking from out, everyone could easily misperceive who was in the charge in this relationship, but when you were all alone with your demons lurking free, he was always too eager to bend the knee. 

Maybe he didn’t have to work hard to get you at first, as you were already too deep in him. Yet, he knew. He knew that he'd chase you until the end of the world and beyond only to be with you more. To be close to you. To be yours. 

He shamelessly eyed the shape of your hips while you were climbing the stairs, as it’d be dumb not to. Outraged echoes of your mud covered boots beaming all around the walls, he bite his lip hard. It was a shame not to just have you right here, right now, where everyone could easily see. Maybe another time-

Now, your reaction is more important for him, so he waits while you fight with your purse to find the key, opening the door of your shared apartment, and then stopping instantly. 

As the night only allows you to see so little thanks to the light that echoed by the street, your body leans on the other sense you had. The smell that you shouldn’t smell tangles around your nostrils, magically the taste finds a way to bloom above your tongue, watering all over your mouth and you turn your head at Namjoon who is not sharing the same confusion with you. Rather, he was smiling with brows lifted high. And it only lead you to think-

‘‘What did you do?’’ he laughed at you as waiting this reaction, pushing you inside to close the door behind you and him. 

When the lights on he whispers behind your ear, way too delighted. ‘‘What does it look like?’’ 

And then, they were the things that shouldn’t be in your living room. The not so big clothed table, having lots of ornate belongings that didn't belong to you. Black covering above the white table cloth, there were so many forks, spoons that you would never use. The combination of red roses and black candles made you sick on the stomach as you stood there, mouth hanging open, literal disgust in your feature. 

Turning your head once again, you faced the man who was biting his smile, hiding it behind a thin line. ‘‘What do you think?’’ he asks, although knowing the answer very well, Namjoon needs to hear it from your lips. The delight was shrouded under it. And before you can utter an answer, you give one look to the table, and then your lover’s expecting face. Words loading to your closed mouth, you pushed them to the air rather than swallowing down. 

‘‘It’s hideous, I loved it!’’ 

Running in the middle of the room to examine the table better, Namjoon follows from behind, a laughter on his throat. From up close, it looked even worse. The absolute cliche you never grew liking. But you loved it because it was also not fitting with the man who Namjoon was and it made all these things amusing. Yes, he was kind, caring and a romantic without acknowledging it but never like this. More likely, he would do things without any romantic motive in them and that's exactly the reason you fell in love with him. He never bought you roses, but you were growing so many plants that one can call it a garden. He never took you out to a fancy place for dinner or never, ever made a table like that but he did cook the best food you ever had in your life. 

As the room filled with the tasty smell of something, you were going to turn back to ask what was the cause of it but the broad weight capturing you between the fat arms, your question melted away. 

Small, semi-wet touch of kisses painting your neck, you grabbed the head of some chair. Lashes flutter shut, you lean a bit back and bare your neck for more. ‘‘It smells so good. What is it?’’ barely whispered words coming out of you, Namjoon kissed the crook in the back of your neck, creating a deep purple before popping the skin off and clearing his throat. 

‘‘It’s something you would love to eat, but before-’’ the sound of his pocket continued after his word died, fingertips occupying you by the play on your stomach, the barrier of your shirt already passed. Flutter of your lashes, you lean back and wait rather than asking him what he was up to, or when he gathered these cheesy atmospheres. Namjoon chose to not rush anything, taking his phone from his pocket, steadily, unrushed. As he had already prepared it, he only had to touch the play button and the music filled the room. 

‘‘Oh- NO!’’ the flip of your stomach was funny as the laugh popped out as a reflex. Familiar melody echoing through the ice blue walls, your body moves with the man behind you, simultaneously. Following his steps while taking little right and left, tiny touches of his lips continued as he giggled with you. 

She's a little pirate in my mind.

‘‘You gotta be kidding me, right?’’ things have you surprised as they were highly odd, not expected from the man who never does anything this obvious. And plus, this isn’t being romantic in your language, this was being cheesy for both of you and you have had no idea why he was doing these all of a sudden. 

Give her all the love she gives to me. Rather than replying to you, he go alongs with the song. 

‘‘Never felt this love from anyone’’ Namjoon nudges at the side of your neck with the tip of his nose before talking - not mimicking the song this time -. ‘‘Remember the song, yet? It’s from the time where we first gathered on the bar, you were there with your friend, staring deep into my soul?’’ 

A man can never dream these kind of things

Especially when she came and spread her wings

Whispered in my ear the things I'd like

Surely you remembered the day he was talking about, how could you forget it while you did wait for that moment to come for feeling like a lifetime after you first saw him inside the cage. All that sweaty caramel skin had glowed in your dreams, the image of his tightened muscles left you leaking for so many nights. Therefore, you obviously remembered the day when Jungkook stalked him to find his favorite place so you two could act like you were always hanging there - which it worked -. There was no use pretending you weren’t captivated by him, so you did stare at him too much. Until he had noticed you, asked for your number, and fucked you on your bed, wall, kitchen… Poor Jungkook for hearing all of them, though, you learned that he used them for his own pleasure, so you guessed it was a win - win situation. 

‘‘Well, you know I get what I want, so…’’ the laugh coming rough, almost reminding a growl on your neck, he turned you over so you can meet him in the eye. Now, back rubbing one of the chairs, his long bony fingers already wrapped above your cheeks, you did the exact thing from the day. Stare deep in him. 

Side of his lips curled high, he wets his lips. ‘‘Hope you will have the same courage later in the night.’’ the eyes of him digs in you cold and greedy, your gulp sounds loud. It has him laughing, not so loud ‘hah’ presents his pearly teeth. ‘‘Before you, we have other things to eat.’’ 

                                             ⋅＊⋆ ♥ ⋅＊⋰＊⋅ ♥ ⋅＊⋆ ⋅

As Namjoon told you the details that you were very oblivious to, you learned that he got Jungkook’s help to decorate your apartment, all the cheesy atmosphere related to your sweet valentine just because you grumble behind his back that he wasn’t romantic enough, - even though you couldn’t remember when - and obviously, he wanted to punish you by doing this. Well, he didn’t call this as punishment but for you, it was because the romantic words, the whole decoration was too sweet for the souls you two had. 

‘‘It’s good that Jungkook helped you out while we were at your fight, but you know that he won’t help you with the cleaning, right?’’ like a lightning just struck on him, the pastry fell on the plate. His puppy digits grow wide, you find it beyond cute. 

‘‘Then it’s good news that I have the most caring girlfriend by my side?’’ the shake of your head wears his smile off, as he betrayed. He will think better next time before covering the whole floor with rose petals, now. And you hide your giggle behind the delicious pastry that he baked by filling your mouth with it, as his whines loud. ‘‘After all of these, I guess it’s too much to wait for a thank you in return.’’ 

Nodding, you take another bite. ‘‘Cream cheese mixes with the apricots way better than I thought.’’ he watches your struggle to lick the remains of the cream, so he leans and cleans the corner of your lips with his thumb. Brain freezes for a couple of minutes as his tongue curls around the thumb, leaving nothing behind. ‘‘Why- erm- why the apricot danish, though?’’ 

He leans closer, elbows rest on the table as the voluptuous eyes lure in you, stomach makes a funny flip at the way his stare goes between your eyes and the now chewed lips. Voice low and rough, it’s enough to have you clenching your walls. 

‘‘I wanted you to experience how it feels to eat me, as I always do the eating out.’’ unnecessarily bold words has you gasping, crumbles of the pastry goes to the wrong pipe and you almost choke. 

Wine nearly dries off when you clash the glass to your mouth, drinking it to ease the coughing. Namjoon watches all of these very calm, grin sneaky on his mouth. The back of his head was busy with what he prepared for later that night, in your bedroom. 

While you were still dizzy with the image of tonight's fighting, the duality he was showing was whirling your head, tongue feels lull, eyes burning from behind. And you loved how he makes you weak in and out. A toy at the end of his words. You pressed your thighs together to reduce the ache, and it barely helped. All you can think of is now his sweat glistening muscled back, your nails adding sweet crimsons to the palette, tongues ferociously devouring each other, breaths loud enough for your neighbour to hear as he takes you down-

‘‘S-so, you are the desert itself?’’ 

As the images flashing behind your head having you too hot, you had to cut it with blurting out the first thing that related to the topic but away enough to get you cold, again. Though, your voice did come out weird, high and distracted. 

Amusement tangled on the line of your boyfriend, his smirk only adds gasoline to your fire. And you visibly could see the reflection of the sharp edged flames by his eyes. To your liking, he didn’t force more and nods while explaining.

‘‘Well, you always refer to my dimples as apricots and we can agree that my personality kind of bittersweet as the cheese cream and when you mix them-’’ he abruptly stops and opens his hands in front of his face, resembling a blooming flower. ‘‘Voila! A complete pastry that you can enjoy.’’ Suspicious enough, his features change. As innocent as he can, he looks at you with wide, shining orbs and the man who teases you, almost chokes you down with his words now nowhere to be seen. Like he was never there at first. And this was exactly what was fucking you up every time his duality slips. Like he wasn’t the one who was breaking bones as they were chips, washing the scarlet down from his flesh, mounting behind you like he was the animal. Would growl, bite the thin skin over your neck so severely that it would bloom purple and yellow for the whole week and maybe more- 

This time, to capture your slipped attention, Namjoon had to wave his hand inches away from your blushed face. You had to swallow down hard as the cock of his brow openly, showing that he knew exactly what your dirty mind was busy with. And the tongue poking his cheek from inside always enough to have you drooling, as the air is getting thick and bothering you have to drink another sip of wine. 

‘‘Clear as glass, your mind can’t stop thinking what I can and will do to you. So, I want to make it obvious that at least one of us tried to be kind today.’’ the index finger pointing himself, he smiled one more time before his eyes went deep black. Shaking you in and out. And your mind wandered around the thought of you getting under the table just so you could hump on his leg as long as he lets you. But the tone of his coming words warned you before you can lose on the thought. ‘‘Now, I want you to go in there, and wait for me. That’s something you can do?’’ 

Behind your fluttering eyelids, your eyes trailed where his finger pointed, the mutual bedroom, and back his face. As the tone and the words enough for you to understand who was sitting in front of you now wasn’t just Namjoon. 

He was the Chopper. 

Merciless, brutal, bruising. 

The Chopper and his killer hands, choker fingers, cutting teeth. 

Everything you wanted and more. Everything you can’t even dream of. 

‘‘Y-yes. Yes, I can do that, Master.’’ the name enjoys the man, he feels proud that you can go into submissiveness even before he says much. In the end, he did train you for that, and he did it well because now, you are on your feet, walking further to the room he pointed by tripping over your shoe just once. 

It’s another whiplash for you to go into your room and find a black hook, secured to your ceiling after you turn the lights on. It wasn’t there before, was it? You’d have known if you had something like that on your ceiling because weird as ever, you stare there too much. Whether when you were overthinking or just dazed upon. Shaking your thoughts away, you forced yourself to focus on the hook again. Because obviously, it wasn’t the best time to think what you were doing in your seperate time as you had a fucking hook over your head, and a Master inside. 

‘‘That’s right.’’ well, he wasn’t sitting on the table inside like you guessed as his breath is tickling behind your ear. ‘‘I will hang you there, in the middle of our room, all tied up, helpless, and then-’’ with the connection of his skin on your sides, not so high from your hips, you shut your eyes and leaned back. He grabs your skin hard enough to draw a whimper, before continuing. ‘‘Eat your pretty cunt until you cry, overwhelmed. Then, gonna fuck you again, again and again, for you to cry even more. How that sounds, pet?’’ 

The last part putting chills all over your skin, you tremble under his embrace. Voice so controlled, husky, dizzying that your knees ready to give up just from that. Years after, the impact of his words never faded. 

‘‘Sounds… s-sounds good, Master. Sounds so good.’’ even though knowing you shouldn’t, your hands at your side, burns with the need of holding him close so you can brush your ass over his crotch to get a friction. It feels so empty, and that can push you into a stage where it drives you mad. ‘‘Please-’’

‘‘As a pet, don’t you think you talk too much even though no one asks you anything?’’ 

It hits as sharp as a whip to the gut, with the shame of making your Master angry, you feel like crying. But you only nod and utter certain words. ‘‘Yes, Master. I’m sorry.’’ 

Then, everything starts and goes so smoothly. The acts are unrushed, familiar, thrilling in a way that your stomach feels like a cheerleader and doing some flips over and over again. It even causes another rush of dizziness to you more. You’ve got used to feeling his hands on you, on the skin, so elegant yet enough to break, but against his smooth touch, the rope now covering your body, restrains your arms on your back in a very aesthetic way, has your heart fluttering its wings.  

His silent grunt reaches your ears weakly when he finishes with the last knot, and now you are bare as ever, helpless, and in his mercy. 

Before he talks, his kiss on the neck is full of lusciousness. ‘‘Just one last step, and then you will be my dessert for tonight.’’ nothing higher than a whisper, his words have you gasping. Nowhere on your body left unaffected by the sinister’s great word play. Behind your back, Namjoon’s eyes are going deeper and darker, stars glowing with lust in them, and you don’t need to see them to know it. Witnessing and memorizing the reactions, the actions of his body came at the same time with the hasty need you had for him, and it goes for both of you. 

So, when he finally finishes with you tied and hanged, you know his tongue rolled over his sharky-white teeth. 

‘‘Does anything bother you, baby? Something too tight, or loose maybe?’’ 

Safety is the thing Namjoon values much, even though you love it when he loses control and attacks you like an animal in bloodlust, you still stop and check yourself. Floor is a ghost for your toes, barely there for you to hold on to, everything seems fine when you try to escape, writhing in the trap of him, purposely trying to hurt yourself by the ropes but nothing hurts. At least nothing hurts that much because you like it when things hurt. Especially the thing standing behind your back, hovering over you, touch of his lips wet and affectionate on the flushed skin.  

Finally, Namjoon gets his answer. ‘‘Nothing hurts, Master. Thank you.’’ 

And he laughs at that. Not too much but enough to draw a sound between his teeth. ‘‘Always so good, so grateful to his Master, aren’t you little pet?’’ a tiny slap on your bare asscheek and you answer him with a breathy yes, master. 

Namjoon’s fingers move slowly, like in an exploration. First on your shoulders, nail drawing red where it touches, a thin line of tiny bruises. It goes all the way down from your shoulders to your hips, plays around the rope where it slightly covers your breast, capturing them in their own triangle shaped ropes. When he stops to draw circles inches high between your legs, you jerk your hips and that causes you to lose your balance. 

‘‘We are so responsive today.’’ he chuckles but it dies with the bite of his nails on the same spot as he positions you back. ‘‘So out of manners, can’t even stay still for Master. You are being useless like this, and I don’t like to play with a pet that has an empty skull. But you already know it, don’t you?’’ 

His nails are still digging your skin, it brings tears to your eyes and you nod. ‘‘I-I know, I’m sorry.’’ 

‘‘Apologizing won’t work if you continue to act like a ill-behaved toy.’’ to underline his anger, he lands another slap on your ass but this time it burns. And it takes all your effort to not writhe under it. 

‘‘I won’t do it again-’’ 

Another hit encourages your first tear to roll over to leave a wet trail on your face. Skin burning, itching, but all you feel is ecstasy to have more. To him, you shouldn’t enjoy it when he tries to punish you for not behaving right, but you can’t help it. Every strike, every killing hit brings shameless joy in you and you just can’t get enough. 

His octopus tattooed hand grabs over the bruised skin. ‘‘Are you enjoying this? Did I corrupt you that much, Puppy?’’ he snickers, teeth biting the flesh of your neck and you let your head rest on his shoulder. A similar smile tugs on your mouth, another tear goes down. 

‘‘I love it when Master hurts me. It feels too good.’’ 

Sounds sick, but there is no use of hiding the truth. Licking over the bite he gave you, Namjoon replies with the remain of his smile appearing on his words. ‘‘Oh, I know that baby. I know how you look stunning in red. All smiley with tears.’’ 

You giggle as his fingers go lower, playing with the skin of your slit. Though, you stay still. No matter how much it tickles when your blood rushes over there, even when his finger finds your needy clit. Already throbbing in bliss, you stay still. Though, even when he says you shouldn’t move, he likes to make a trembling mess out of you. Maybe it’s wrong to feel, but your tears give him unbearable joy. If the cry was caused by him, though. Otherwise, he could fuck up if someone even cause your lip to tremble which he proved that, many times. 

With hands tied up behind, you have too little mobility. Plus, your toes barely touch the floor, so even when he starts to rub your clit, you can only thrash as a response. Moaning after every rude circle, the heat was building fast and heavy in your stomach. Soft kisses on your neck turn into wet ones, and include his teeth. Available other hand goes up to hang around your breasts, toying around the now hardened buds, pulling when you least expect, and earning another choked moan. 

His very clothed body against your naked one creates a big contrast, a visible sample to show who is in charge, but you can feel how ready he is behind his clothes, his groin hard and furious as he rubs it on your hips with controlled movements. And every rub remanding how empty you are, his fingers above your clit making it even worse as it builds the sweet coil inside, inches high from your stomach. 

Pushing your hips back, you pleaded, voice all broken. ‘‘Feels.. feels so empty. P-please fill me, Master.’’ 

His fingers at your entrance, plays with your mind to believe he would push them in. You gasp as he just pushes his thick digits inches, mocks you with a laugh as he takes them back right away. 

‘‘Asking so cute and docile, yet you will feel that a bit more.’’ 

And you whine loud, not in a rebellious way but much like in need. Which, that is what you are, a needy mess as you were dreaming of him from the start of this day, seeing him half naked, angry, in an act of violence, drenched in sweat. Today was a torture, and Namjoon contunied the ruthless game. Rubbing, pulling, twisting every tender spot, your nipples, clit, inside your thighs, over your stomach. Every inch of you tortured, played by him, and it was going to continue as you heard a rustle behind you. His hands stopping on your thighs, he sighs. 

‘‘Fuck, my pet looks so tasty, all wet and ready.’’ your walls dripping, Namjoon licks his lips as the sight has him hungry. The pink skin nearly drooling in front of his sight, he was beyond ready to eat you, drink everything you give.

Like a starved man, on his knees, he takes a lick from you. The taste whirling his head, he growls, holding you tighter in his palms while you try to chase his tongue. Sob so agonized as it leaves your lips. 

But when his tongue finally finds the throbbing core, in relief and heat you let your head fall back. Wanting to clench your palms but the robes won’t let it as he tied some of your fingers, too, only to leave you more desperate. So you whine even more when his tongue pokes your insides, not entering but enough to shake your legs, swirl your head and to lose your breath into the room. Humiliating as ever, every swirl of his tongue pulls another cry, another tear, and his name the only thing that spills from your lips. 

Mind blinded by one thing. And it’s just The Chopper. 

His hot tongue. 

Tickling hair. 

Bruising hold.

Bite over your skin, here and there had you whimper repedately. The rich ardor boiling high, ready to explode as he circles, and circles, and circles his tongue over your clit- 

His lips lock around the frantic nub- 

And it causes you to lose yourself in the consuming delight, coming on his face as he starts to suck your clit. Toes curling, thighs trembling as the sharp euphoria boils in your veins, blood pumping faster as your eyes go behind your head. 

But Namjoon won’t stop until he catches every drip, sucking the spent bud, pushes you to the edge of overstimulation and your cries won’t work, either. 

‘‘Please, please, Master please,’’ is all you can say without even knowing what you were begging for. 

Which this is all you losing control more and more, limbs going weak, head dibs into the thick, blurry stage where the only thing you want is Namjoon. The only thing you need, the only thing you feel covered by him and you fell into the substage where he has you in his palm. To use it on behalf of both you and himself. To bring joy in your submissive brain with his domineering talks, touches, attacks. You were coming down from your first high, but already lost on the sensation where everything just started. The Chopper’s tongue cleaning the remains of your climax off your inner thighs, he gets on his feet after leaving two specific bruises, red and purple, by sucking the flesh hard and deep. 

‘‘I made you come but you still beg for more? One high isn’t enough for a slut like you, hm?’’ next, his fingers shove into your hair, pulling by the roots rough. ‘‘Nothing enough unless you have my cock in you, you greedy bitch.’’ 

Words nothing but like slaps landing on your face, your breath hitches under your moan. It should feel wrong to get off on hearing these, but the words throbs where you need the most. 

Fist to the gut, but the pain that comes with it is a bliss. 

Vulgar, yet caring your needs like a feather on the skin. 

Shady, vehement, maybe even tainted but you can’t stop loving that it cuts your heart and brings wings out of the wounds. It may be bleeding, but bandages have flowers on them. 

On your toes, it has all your effort but you manage to push your ass high, right on his crotch to tease, touches nothing more than a wind on the hair, you still giggle as he grunts and pulls your head back. The angle wicked as your neck looks like it’s going to give up, you whimper low by the pain. 

Sick smile still tugged on your mouth. ‘‘Yes, yes that’s true. Your pet is all empty, needy. Need you to mark her like you would mark your territory, Master. Your pet needs your cum on her.’’ maybe it is because of the words you just said, or the pout on your lips, Namjoon growls like an animal, hands grabbing every available flesh, pulling, clawing as he wants to tore your skin off and reach your soul to corrupt it visibly like he didn’t break you already. 

Then he bites down the skin between your neck and shoulder, enough to draw blood. 

‘‘My territory?’’ he spits. He sounds outraged, and even though you said things enough to get him angry, the shade of joy is still in his tone so you know he also likes how you provocate him. ‘‘Well, after all a pet should be treated the way it deserves.’’ 

Humiliation burns hot red, you squirms at the words. A need of holding on to something is increasing in you as after coming down by your high never stopped being tiring. With him, it’s like you feel everything ten times harder, deeper, and undoubtedly better. However, it only causes you to want more, never having enough of the things he gives. And you had a whole night to consume one another. 

When he talks, you see his reflection on your dressing mirror by the corner of your eyes. His hand ready above his belt, lewdness lingers on his smirk. And he looks gorgeous, hovering behind you, huge and sturdy. If you weren’t held by these ropes, your knees would give up many minutes ago. 

‘‘As we are animals tonight, shall we continue our hunt?’’ shaking you from head to toe, he truly looks like a predator with the gaze of a wolf, ready to eat you whole, make a feast out of you. Remains of your ecstasy shines when the light hits his face. A very graphic proof that he is out for hunting. Already captured his prey, and now there is only one thing left to do. 

To devour. 

As he finally releases his dick, it hangs angry and gigantic. The head in a deep red, shows how much he needs to come, it’s already wet, nearly dripping. In awe, and hunger, you watch him kicking his pants aside, taking everything off and leaving himself naked as you. With that, more of his tattoos reach your eyes as they go up and down. Sizing him up like you never see him, truly naked, looking like a partly completed palette with his body covered with so many colors. So many figures, numbers, blacks, reds, blues… 

Having so many things, he creates his noble singularity. Becoming a very special piece of his own. 

A mouth watering sight. All those muscles, buffy chest, eyes that have a hold of your soul, you leak even more. Though, he stays there, enjoys the way you watch him hungrily, as he strokes himself with slow moves. Eyes crossing each other’s paths on the mirror and he cocks a brow before letting his head fall back as he continues to stroke himself. 

His dimples out but from biting his lower, thinned lip and the taste of the pastry he baked blooms at once, covering all over your tongue as you want to dive it in his dimples, cover them wet with sloppy kisses. The thirst distinguishes itself once again. Murky and strong that you have to clench your walls, emptiness drives you mad more as he just continues to pleasuring himself while you literally hang from your ceiling, dirtying all over your carpet with how much you leak desperately. 

As expected, one low keen whimper by him is all it takes for you to let everything aside and submit to his merciless game. Fluttering like a fish on a net, you beg without holding nothing, tears streaming hot and fast. 

‘‘Namjoon, Master, please-... just please can you please fuck me? Please I need this, I need you, please?’’ 

‘‘Oh, was I too intense, maybe?’’ even though he asks as he worries, he still has that goddamn smile while placing himself behind you. Brush of his red skin to your damp pussy has you choke on your breath immediately. The loss of the contact affected you more than you realised and now having him so close feels just like heaven. Or hell. You didn’t care as long as he was there with you, to hold you close, kiss you sloppy, and fuck you like he hates you. 

Nothing mattered as long as you had him. 

Lips over your earlobe, you drip more right on his shaft between your legs. Pulse drums right over the skin where he touches you, teases you, like it’s all your body is waiting for. 

‘‘As you wished, now I will fuck you, darling.’’ teeth licking the skin with a faint press, his fingers go down to adjust himself. He fixes his bulge between the pink lips, not entering but it’s enough for him to rub his dick with what you were leaking, wetting himself to ease the act. 

But after every slow grind, your insides clenches with anticipation, waiting for the damaging push and the frustration grows more and more as you wiggle in his hold. It’s not a surprise how delirious you are just from not having him inside, as the need always wins with its whole glory over every other sense you have. Leaving you completely brainless when things come to the point where you are so desperate to have him in you that you would go on your knees and beg your lungs out for it. Of course, the sex is good, but with Namjoon it’s never only because of it. It’s the way you feel complete, leaving the worries behind and letting yourself completely at his hands. It’s always much better when you have nothing to decide because Namjoon will do that for you, like you couldn’t handle it, like your mind was too useless that he has to deal with everything, and will bring unbelievably severe pleasure with that- 

A sudden pull of his arms tears you away from your thinking. Your back hits his chest, hands settling on your hips as he starts to move further. Filling you full with one move, steady and unrushed. It takes him a couple minutes to fill you wholly as the length meets with your clenching walls inches and inches deeper. 

With every inch, he stretches you more, moans spilling as a mantra by your lips mixed with thank’s and broken Namjoon’s. Eyes rolled back, your heart goes insane in it’s cage, as the feeling of being finally full is the best thing that happens to you, tears of happiness go down one by one. 

Every nerve goes into a very brief shock after meeting with him, muscles strains and eases for a couple of times before he stops fully deep in you. 

‘‘Fuck! You feel so good, so soft, baby.’’ Namjoon hisses, waits only to feel you clenching and unclenching around him. Gives you a minute for you to adjust his length, not wanting to hurt you more than you need. Yet, you barely have a limit for that shit. Like a parrot who doesn’t know what to say other than ‘more’, you always end up repeating it. 

Without spending more time, when he convinces himself that you are ready and on edge from waiting as you cry nonstop for him to move, have his way with you, he does. A long, impelling push steals the breath you had in your lungs, pulling a croaked moan as he doubles his move. Slow rhythm of his stomach meeting with the swell of your ass, the sound of your soaked pussy reacting every push with a desperate squelch, you shut your eyes. 

Nails digging in your skin, it won’t take long for him to fasten. Unrushed grindings turn into famished jams as he shoves himself deep. Burning breath right behind your neck, he sucks the skin until it blooms red from the torment of his teeth, licks the throbbing flesh but not with intention to soothe. 

‘‘Look at you in the mirror, pet.’’ behind his clenched teeth, he commands. ‘‘See how spent...you... look. Just like a dirty cockslut you are,’’ every word coming after a rough pound, they are also as remorseless as his movements. Not giving you a minute to actually look at your reflection, and as much as you see, drool dripping by your lips, makeup ruined by tears, body all red and tormented, you really do look spent. Feel also as your limbs are still lazy after the first orgasm you had. But the rude push only excites you more, delicious high builds once more as every nerve wracking slam gets you wetter. 

Then, his hands leave your hips. One of them finds your throat, the other goes over your mouth, fingers dipping inside without permission. ‘‘Suck.’’ is all he says, harsh and demanding. And you do. 

Tongue curling around the two thick digits as it was his dick instead. Lips sucks hard while you circling your starved muscles around them. More you suck it, lapping your tongue around it, you drool more. Wet patch goes all over your chest from your throat, passing his hand around it. His pace not coming down even for a bit, digits leave your mouth and find your swollen nipple. 

Damp wrap brings chill over your torso, he pinches the poor skin as harsh as his slams. You howl, wiggle in his hold but he stops you with one wild squeeze on your throat. Cutting your breath as he continues assaulting your walls. 

‘‘This is what you’ve been waiting for the whole night, right pet?’’ you try to look at his face but all you see is a blurry sight as the tears won’t let more from that. Though, you are still able to see the way he moves fast. Fast and brutal. The sound of skin hitting skin smacks on the walls, deafens you. ‘‘Hanging around my cock because that’s the only thing you are good at. Being fucked by me, until you stand boneless, brainless, hm?’’ 

You open your mouth to give him an answer but fingers tightening around the darkening skin, only a strangled grunt leaves the lips. 

‘‘Sorry, couldn’t hear it.’’ he says with a wicked smile, biting his bottom lip as he quickens his moves. Hand only loosens when your face turns purple and coughs follow one another. When he lets you breathe, you cough even more as the air burns acidic in your lungs. His fingers pinching, pulling the aching nipples, hand heavy around your throat has you on alert, slams getting more and more deep, angled hitting right on the soft pooled nerves. You found yourself on the edge of another maddening rhapsody. 

Thighs trembling furiously, you try to close your palms mindlessly, clenching your walls around him as he growls low. 

‘‘’M gonna c-cum… S-shit, I-’’ 

Throat trapped in his palm once again, his fingers finds your swollen clit, his impale focused on your sweet spot, he pinches your clit, ‘‘Then cum. Drip all over my cock, slut.’’ he says, pushing you from the edge of the luscious high. 

And you find yourself thrashing, tears filling your mouth, yes, yes, yes’s irritating your own ears as the seventh heaven welcomes you from it’s door. It takes long for you to come from your high as Namjoon continues his brutal actions. Cutting your breath, fucking you merciless, biting down every spot he finds available. Your nerves locked, mind foggy and body tender to any kind of interaction, with three deep, hurtful smack after Namjoon spills white. 

Grunts by his lungs, he fucks his cum into you. Until overstimulation feels too much for himself, he doesn’t mind how loud you cry for him to stop. Because now, everything is beyond feeling sensitive. Every poke of his dick just puts hundred needles on your skin, as you hiccup, saying it’s too much. 

Then with one light smack, he stops. Panthing behind, he stays inside of you, arms covering your body tight in an affectionate embrace. He kisses your neck, down your shoulders, over every mark he left by biting. And with every contact, your body reacts to it by shaking in his hold. Mouth lull, mind too dizzy to voice anything, he grabs your chin to turn your head. 

A soft smile is all you can see behind your tears as he leans to capture your lips in his, ‘‘Happy Valentine’s, my sweet Moonlight.’’ then he pulls you into a sloppy kiss. Tongues curl around one another, drool mixing, lips smacking repeatedly, you whimper as the sensation comes too much. 

After a rough fuck, your mind - and of course your body - finds this affection bizarre and reacts by melting under it. And it goes so long that his lips never leave yours while he sets you free from the hook, torso still tied by the rope but now you sit on his lap, losing yourself into a rousing kiss session. His fingers go up and down on your stomach, sometimes lingers around your nipples to hitch your breath. And it goes on like this until you two burn with need once again. Hard and ready for another all-consuming bliss as he helps you to ride him. 

Holds you by the waist, circles your hips on him as his head rests on the pillow. 

‘‘H-harder. Master please, I need m-more…’’ sobs won’t let you talk more, Namjoon smirks at that. Fingers grabbing you tighter, as he holds you high. 

‘‘Can’t even talk but still cries for more. Tch, always starving for Master’s cock.’’ 

Answering him by nodding, he won’t wait long to fuck you ruthless. Bouncing you on his cock, you mewl, mewl and mewl until he changes the positions to push himself deeper in you. Knees hitting your shoulder, he goes so deep that your eyes roll back until he stops his movements. Your cunt clenched around him to hold him inside, it has him coming thick and lot. Brushing his finger around your clit, rubbing and pulling the wasted bud, you come around him before he goes soft. Panting loud, desperate as everything feels too much, too strong, too surreal. 

So, when Namjoon finally lays beside you, hand patting your hair while he adjusts his breathing, you try to stop crying. 

‘‘Are you okay, baby girl?’’ he asks, a kiss to your temple. Freeing your face from your tears, you see the concern buried deep in his eyes. ‘‘Let me untie you, okay?’’ 

Nodding, you let him pull you on your ass. ‘‘I’m okay… It was just intense.’’ smile wandering on your lips, you continued. ‘‘And amazing. Don’t worry okay? I really do love when you go harsh on me. It was… fascinating.’’ 

Namjoon laughs at your face, all flushed and dreamy like you were still in the heat of your sex. Setting you free from the last knot, he kisses every mark that rope left behind, helps you to move your muscles, clench and unclench your palms to fasten your blood circulation. 

‘‘It’s like you want me to tie you like this all the time, love.’’ Namjoon cocks his brow high, as the smile still lingers on your mouth. 

‘‘Would you?’’ answer coming so fast and full of hope, he has to laugh at your eagerness. You, indeed, would love him to hang you from your ceiling all the time. As you said to him, it was intense, mind-blowing, and you did like it so much. 

Shaking his head, he laughs once again. ‘‘You need to eat some sugar, then we can talk about… this. Okay?’’ he points the hook, you nod at him with a pout on your lips, But he leans and kisses it, massaging your arms. Then he stops abruptly, eyes go wide. 

‘‘Shit. I forgot to water my plants.’’ he then jumps from the bed and rushes to the corner where he kept his plants. 

Rolling your eyes, you let yourself fall on to bed. ‘‘Of course you did.’’ you mumble, watching your boyfriend spraying water at his plants, humming to himself with a heart melting smile tugged on his face. Duality causes you to giggle on your own. There the man who made you choke on your spit moments ago, now with all the care he has, he waters his plants. All naked, and happy. 

Tiny jealousy in your heart, you close your eyes to listen to him humming a song that comes familiar but you are so tired that you can’t find the name. Stretching your arms with all the power you had, as Namjoon talks to his plants with a soft voice. 

‘‘I know it took so long…’’

‘‘Look how grown you are…’’

‘‘Oh, guess we need to change your place, huh?’’ 

You sigh deep, a tiny giddy sense blooms in your chest while your boyfriend’s voice licks behind your ears. A warm smile grows on your face, you think,

Happy Valentine’s, indeed. 

[kitkatd7]

Broken Hearts and Whiskey

Summary: Bucky’s not the same anymore. He doesn’t spend time with you at all, or keep his promises. And your done with it.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Cursing, lots of angst, drinking, my grammar errors because I didn’t fully edit

Dialogue Prompt #19. “Please! You have to let me make this right.” 

Dialogue Prompt #7: "I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first." 

(Prompts will be in bold)

Word Count: 1,654

A/N: This is for @imma-new-soul‘s 550 Follower Writing Challenge and @buckys-other-punk 500 Writing Challenge!! I hope y’all like it! Sorry it’s pretty sad and the ending isn’t as good as it could be :( Also this was inspired by the songs ‘Die From a Broken Heart by Maddie & Tae and Different For Girls by Dierks Bentley' Also there are a few Criminal Minds references in here😂

Masterlinst of Masterlists || Marvel Masterist || Series Masterist || part 2 

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“See you later!” You call over your shoulder at Natasha and Wanda as you unlock the door to your apartment, coming home from a very successful shopping spree. Walking into your home you toe-off your shoes at the door, setting down your keys and purse. “Babe, I’m home!” You sing, excited to finally get some time with Bucky after him being gone on a mission for three weeks. “Babe?” You ask, walking into the kitchen, setting down your multiple shopping bags and taking in the empty space. Where the hell is he? After searching the bedroom, living room, even the bathroom and still coming up empty, you look to see if you missed any calls. Nope. He was supposed to be here you fume inwardly as you press the speed dial photo; both of you together at a carnival, you smiling brightly as he places a kiss on your cheek sweetly.

It goes straight to voicemail. 5 times. Now you're not even mad… just disappointed in him. He promised. On try number 6 you’re just done. “Hey, it’s me. Listen, so I don’t know where you are but- just don’t bother coming home tonight, okay? I had plans but- never mind, it doesn’t matter that much. I’ll see you later.”  Pressing the red button you throw your phone on the couch before changing into something more comfortable. It wouldn’t be so frustrating that he wasn’t here if it was a one time thing- But this is the fifth time he hasn’t come home to spend time with you after a mission.

Plopping on the couch, you press start on something mindless that you aren’t going to watch anyway before checking your phone for- well. really anything.

1 new message

Unlocking your phone quickly, you open it in high hopes, only to see Sam’s name appear and your face falls. 

Sam: Bucky said you tried to call. Is it important?

You: No… just we had plans.

You confide, knowing Sam will understand.

Sam: Oh shit. Okay, want me to tell him to come home?

You: No. It’s fine.

Sighing, you toss your phone on the other end of the couch, throwing your head back in newfound anger. Asshole. He saw your calls and didn’t even pick up the damn phone. After a year of dating, you at least deserved that. 

------------

“Hey this is y/n, I can’t come to the phone right now cuz I’m out livin’ my life! Leave it at the beep.” He hears your all too familiar voicemail through the speaker. He had helped you come up with it, you hadn’t known what to put on it. He kicks himself, knowing you weren’t actually out living your life, just dodging his calls. Not that he blamed you- He deserved it and he knew it. Calling again, he’s not surprised when he hears your voicemail again.

“Hey… Um, listen, I know I was supposed to be at your place after the mission… I just wanted to unwind with the guys and- Shit. I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t think you would mind that much, I’ll be over in a bit to make it up to you, okay?” He leaves the message and ends the call before starting his car and driving towards your apartment, guilt heavy in his stomach.

You listen to his voicemail over and over, a strange mix of rage and sorrow weighing on your heart.

Tears roll slowly down your cheeks silently as you lay curled up in a defensive ball on your bed, trying to block out the unmistakable sound of Bucky begging you to open the front door; “Babe, please open the door,” He says, fist resting gently against the frame. “I’m sorry- really, really sorry. Please let me in and we can talk about it,” He sighs, resting his head against the door in defeat. He could break the lock and go in. You both know that. But he wouldn’t do that to you- All that would do is make you fear him and that’s the last thing he wants. He slides his back down the wall til he’s sitting on the floor next to your door, his elbows on his knees and his hands in his hair; Tears gathering in his lashes. He really messed up this time.

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The next day you drag yourself out of bed, trying to forget last night and all the tears you shed. After a shower and breakfast, you head out the door for a coffee run before work. You stop in your tracks when you see Bucky still sitting there, eyes red from lack of sleep and regret written all over his face. He jumps up when you walk out, keys in hand, the door closing behind you. “What are you doing here?” 

“I- I came to apologize,” he murmurs, looking in your eyes.

“I don’t want to hear it,” you bite, moving to step around him but stopping when he steps to block your path.

“Bucky, I’m going to be late for work,” you say coldly, glaring at him. “Move out of the way.”

“Please doll, just let me expla-”

Huffing, you roll your eyes. “I understand perfectly, James.” You watch as he flinches a little at the use of his first name. You only use it when your really mad or really happy, and it isn’t the latter right now. “You were too busy with your beer buddies to come see your girlfriend after being gone for three weeks, but what’s new? It’s been like this for months. I guess it was naive of me to expect something else this time.” You shoulder past him as he stares at you; dumbfounded. Tears gather in your eyes as you make your way to your car in the rain. Your almost there when you feel a large hand on your arm and hear your name being whispered. You turn around and look up into his stormy eyes. You always loved his eyes- They’re always so bright and big and- Now is not the time to be thinking about his stupidly gorgeous eyes.

“Please! You have to let me make this right,” he whispers, tears forming in his eyes as well, mixing with the raindrops rolling down his face and dampening is hair. 

“Bucky…” You sigh, pulling your arm out of his grasp gently. “I don’t think you can fix this. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first." You climb into your car as he stares at you as you pull out of the parking lot. He sinks to the ground on his knees, not caring that his clothes are practically soaked, or that someone might think he looks crazy. None of that matters- because your gone. His girl. Gone. He can’t breathe. The pressure weighs heavy in lungs as all the air is pushed from them and his heart shatters. It’s all he can do to draw a ragged breathe between sobs.

---------------------

You manage to hold yourself together until you pull into the starbucks parking lot. And then you totally loose it; Tears and mascara mix together and run down your cheeks as you sob into your steering wheel. It feels like your heart is being torn out of your chest. Bucky was the best thing that ever happened to you… and deep down you had feared something like this would happen, but you didn’t think it actually would. You loved him- And now he was gone. 

You trek into Walmart, heading straight for the junk food isle, not caring that you look like an absolute mess. Grabbing some much needed chocolate, chips, cookies and other coping foods, you check out, starting to cry again when the cashier gives you a pitiful look on your way out. 

Stumbling into your apartment, you throw your bags on the kitchen counter before grabbing your desired snacks and tossing them on your bed. You pull on sweatpants and one of Bucky’s hoodies, sending an ache of longing through your chest. Even changing clothes feels like more effort than you could possibly muster but you somehow manage before crawling into bed and turning on reruns of Friends before you start crying again. After 2 bags of chocolate, a bag of Doritos, a burger and french fries you grabbed on the way home, you still feel like absolute shit. Maybe this is just how it will be- Unable to get over him, unable to move on. Eventually you fall asleep from exhaustion, tear stains and left-over makeup on your face and Bucky’s pillow clutched against your chest. 

------------

Bucky ambles into the bar, sliding onto a stool with sullen eyes, ordering a shot of vodka before mumbling “Keep em coming.” 

Throwing his head back, he grimaces as the bitter liquid burns its way down his throat. He knows he can’t get drunk but he’s willing to try. Anything to stop feeling like this.

The old barkeep leans on the bar behind him, looking at Bucky with an evaluating stare. 

“What was her name?” He questions gently after a moment of silence.

“Wha- How did you know?” Bucky looks up in surprise and pain, his forearms resting on the bar, holding another shot.

“Son, you can’t hide the look of love gone wrong.”

Tossing back another, Bucky looks in the shot glass like it holds all the answers before whispering your name, his voice breaking. “Did you ever love someone?” He asks brokenly.

The older man chuckles lightly at this. “I did, still do.” He holds up his left hand as proof.  “Do you wanna know the secret to love?” He asks, stepping closer.

“Why not, it’s not like I could lose anything else,” Bucky says dryly, taking yet another shot.

“Sometimes love doesn’t last and you have to let it go… but sometimes you have to fight for it. And it’s up to you to decide which you’re gonna do. So which is it?”

-----------------------

I hope you liked it! please let me know what you think!! 

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[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #402

“there’s a space kept in hell with your name on the seat  /  with a spike in the chair just to make it complete”

Have you ever had any really infected injuries? Not an injury, per se, but I've had at least one ear piercing get infected during the healing process. Shit sucks ass. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? "Savior" by SWARM. Are you considered popular at school? I wasn't. If you could host your own talk show, would you do it? No. I've got nothing interesting to talk about. If you were starving would you eat food out of a garbage can? I honestly don't know if I could with how squeamish I am about sharing food, even with family. And we're talking about sharing food that's been in the TRASH. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I do. Which one of your senses would you be the most devastated to lose? I THINK hearing. I hate silence, so that would just be... haunting. I want to be able to hear people's voices and other sounds. Do you know anyone who has been on life support, and survived? I have no idea. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? God no. They're divorced for a reason. Have you ever read any of Charles Darwin’s works? No. If there was such a thing as a mental health first aid kit, what would you want to be in it? Some ice cream and a Mountain Dew bc I'm an emotional eater, my "graduation" pebble from my partial hospitalization program to remember how far I've come, some cold water to run over my face (or drink), my iPod for music and phone to watch YouTube, a nice, big blanket to turn into a burrito in... that kind of stuff. If you’re in a relationship, are you happy? And if you’re single, are you looking for someone? I'm not actively searching for anyone, no. What is something that people make fun of you for? Always being on the computer. It makes me EXTREMELY self-conscious, and I really wish people would keep their mouths shut about it. Which supermarket do you like to shop at? Wal-Mart. Have you ever been told that your boyfriend/girlfriend wasn’t good enough for you? In the past. Do you think it’s okay to flirt with someone that’s already taken, as long as it goes no further? Fuck no. Do you struggle to say ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do? YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP. Someone attractive is staring at you. What do you do? Probably just kinda smile and blush and look down/away. Are you friends with someone a lot of people dislike? *shrug* Favorite photo search engine? Tumblr for gifs, Google or Pinterest for still images, depending on what I'm looking for. Do you doggie paddle or actually swim in a pool? I'll do both, I think? It's been too long since I've swum. Ever made a snow angel? Ye-ep. Would you ever take up smoking? No. I like having operational lungs. Do you laugh at racial jokes? No. Hate to break it to ya, but they're not funny. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I've been loving Wings of Fire by Tui T. Sutherland, even if I'm reading very slowly. My psychiatrist has given me a new way to approach my hobbies I have difficulty engaging in, so I'm hoping if I keep it up, my rate of reading will speed up! Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Ahaha, yeah... "a," "s," and "d." A true gamer. How "w" is still alive, I couldn't tell ya. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws, probably. The red ones, in specific. Last person you texted? My mom. What did you learn from your first job? That I can't work with people. Favorite website from your childhood? I was a Webkinz A D D I C T. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? Cranberry came to mind very quickly. Least favorite pattern? uhhhhhhh Favorite potato food? Either French fries or Lays wavy potato chips. PC or console gaming? I grew up as a console gamer, so I'm kinda biased. Writing or drawing? Don't make me choose!! I get more satisfaction out of drawing something I'm proud of, but I do way more writing. Who would you put before everyone else? My mom, probably. Lamps, overhead lights, fairy lights, or sunlight? Fairy lights are so cute. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? I shit you not, none. What is your third favourite colour? Hm. Maybe rose gold, or lilac. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I'm really not sure, but I WANT to say it was one of those slide-y, compact Blueberry ones? Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? The Cheshire Cat has always been very alluring to me. What is the last thing you looked up online? The definition to a word just to ensure I was using it correctly. Have you ever had your fortune read? No. I ain't wasting time or money on that shit. Can you read tarot cards? If you couldn't guess from above, I have zero faith in this kinda stuff, so I don't care to learn. Do you prefer lemons or limes? Lemons. I like lime flavoring in some stuff, though. Are your expecting anything in the mail? No. What would you like to see out of your window everyday instead of what you see now? The forest. Do you own a camera? I do, a Canon EOS Rebel T6. Have you ever written a special note in a book? Yes. Early into our relationship, Jason lent me a book to read, and I wrote a lil love letter in it for him. Do you have any artistic talents? I mean I like to think I'm a good writer and a decent artist. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT with Girt. It was fun because he's a horror pansy, haha. He did fine, though. What would you do if you found out you were pregnant? Freak the fuck out because I haven't had sex in many years, so that thing's coming the fuck out 'cuz it obviously ain't natural. Favorite thing to get at McDonalds? Look man, I'm shameless, I love me a Quarter Pounder w/ cheese. Plus some fries. :x Do you know anyone named Alex? I know multiple people named Alex, actually. Whose house did you last sleep over at? Sara's. In other words, it's been a loooong time.Would you ever record yourself having sex? God no. Like zero judgment to the people that do, but I get NOTHING out of watching others "do it." I've never actually tried watching porn, but I couldn't have less interest. I know I'd hate it, and a lot. Did the vacuum scare you as a child? I don't think it did, anyway. Have you or would you ever use a dating app? One of my most embarrassing secrets is that I was briefly on Christian Mingle. It makes me want to cringe into fucking oblivion. Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to? My dad. He's... a character. What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school? That time fucking flies, so cherish every millisecond. Do you and your friends ever talk about your sex lives? Not really. Even when I was sexually active, I was private about that stuff. I don't care if others talk to me about theirs, but odds are I'm not saying much about myself. What were the best and worst interviews you’ve ever had? What made them so good/bad? I've never had a bad interview, but I mean, I've only had I wanna say four in my whole life. None were anything special either, though. Ever put someone else in the hospital? No. Have you ever sold anything on eBay? If so, what? No. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Finding a container of puppy chow underneath the Christmas tree one year. It was my parents' way of telling me we were getting a dog (which I had been nagging them about FOREVER), and next came Teddy. <3 I miss my boy. Is someone in love with you? I wouldn't know. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? That's a hard no. Do you wear cologne/perfume/aftershave regularly? No. Do you snore? No, actually. Pretty astonishing for someone with such severe sleep apnea. When is the last time someone else slept in your bed? When Sara last visited. How often do you dust? Not... nearly enough as I'm supposed to. Mom gets on me about it all the time. What is the most ‘extreme’ activity you have ever done? Ha, nothing wild, I assure you. I guess riding a four-wheeler through the woods once with our former neighbors, who were good friends of ours.. Have you ever rode on a mobility scooter/wheelchair just for fun? Um, no? That's a jackass thing to do. Some people actually need those. Who’s the most controlling person you know? OH MY FUCKING GOD. OUR FAMILY FRIEND TOBEY. EASILY. She seizes control of EVERY situation, even if she has no right to be involved in it. Does anyone keep a photo of you in their purse/wallet, and if so, who? Not to my knowledge. Do you own a microphone? No. Do you enjoy trailers at the cinema? I do! I like arriving in time to see them. Have you ever been burgled? No, thankfully. Have you ever entered anything into Urban Dictionary? If so, what? No. What’s the last live performance you watched on TV? No idea. Have you ever been embarrassed to buy something from a shop? Not to my recollection. It helps that I'm not the one buying things, like ever. What’s the name of one of your friends’ dogs? Buster! :') He's a precious lil bean. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. A GIANT CENTIPEDE. That's one pet in the invert community that I have ZERO interest in EVER owning. Those bitches are scary. Have you ever needed to wear a tie? If so, when/why? Nope.

[peachyaone]

Lonely Heart pt2

Pairings: Lierra x OC

Warnings: Mentions of abuse. and Luke being an ass for 1.5 seconds.

It was pouring. Iris was shaking and her legs burned. She was soaked to the skin. She felt so tired, mentally, and physically. "Almost there." She thought. She quickly walked to the apartment door and knocked. She heard shuffling and the lock open. "Holy shit, you're drenched!" He said. "Yeah, No shit Sherlock." She said. He quickly stood aside and Iris shuffled in. Katniss, Iris's Golden Retriever, ran towards her and practically tackled her. Iris gave her a soft smile and pet her. "Hey Katniss, did Ashy treat you well? " She cooed. Katniss lets out a bark. She held Katniss close and started sobbing. Ashton, who came back with a warm towel, rushed to her side and kneeled beside her. "Hey... Sunshine, why are you crying? Did something happen? Do I have to beat someone up?" He said, wrapping the towel around her and slowly stroked her back. She leaned against him, her tears falling even faster. Katniss tried to wipe them by nuzzling her face into Iris's. "Luke and Sierra thought that I cheated on them." She said, sobbing. "What?! You were at the bar the whole week with Amera, right?" He said. "Yes, I was with them. But I drank too much today, they stopped me before I took it too far. They called me an Uber and even help me get into the car, paps took some photos and claimed that they were my new lover." She said, her hand gripping his shirt, tightly. "Did you tell them that Amera was asexual and was interested in men, right?" He asked. "I tried, they didn't have me a chance to explain." She sighed. "I'll go to my room, okay?" She said. "Wait. There's something you're not telling me. What is it?" He said. She avoided his eyes. She mumbled something that Ashton couldn’t hear. "Come on, sunshine. Tell me." He said, his hands were on her shoulders, making her face him. "Luke called me a whore..." She was looking at him now, her eyes were filled with tears again. "WHAT?! That ass-" "Ash, please. Don't be angry. It's okay. I haven't been honest about my whereabouts either, I didn't tell them I was at the bar, drinking because I was having nightmares about my abusive and toxic exes." She said, quietly. "But still, he can't just call you a whore though," he said, angrily. "Ash, calm down. You're scaring me," she said. He sighed and rubbed her shoulder in a comforting manner. "Sorry," he said. "I think I want to go on tour a day early. I’ll talk to my bandmates and Ashley, I can't stay here anymore. Besides, it's great to reunite with some old friends, right?" She said. "Yeah, I think Ashley will appreciate that. She has been waiting for this day. To tour with your band." Iris chuckled. "I believe it was the other way around, Ashton," she said. He laughed.

*Timeskip cuz I Idk how to write*

“You’re gonna meet Ashley at the waiting bay right?” Calum said. Iris nodded. Calum and Michael rushed to the airport when they found out that Iris is leaving early. Luke and Sierra were nowhere to be seen. Iris’s heart broke. She was hoping what happened yesterday was just some twisted dream. She sighed and hugged the three of them. “We’re gonna miss you, buttercup,” Michael said. She smiled at the nickname. “M’gonna miss your dumb asses too.” she joked. “Heeeeey” Ashton whined. Calum ruffled her short hair, making Iris giggle. “Come on, You’re gonna be late,” Calum said. “Alright, Dad.” she joked. “Hey, you can’t go around calling people that. Luke will start a riot.” Michael teased. Her body tensed. Ashton smacked the back of Michael’s head and Calum glared at him. Michael's eyes widened and mouthed “sorry” to Iris. She simply smiled and mouthed “It’s okay” to him.

She waved goodbye as she walked to the security check. Her heart felt heavy. She didn’t know what to feel anymore.

*Meanwhile in Luke’s apartment*

After Iris walked out of the apartment, Sierra broke down. Luke held back his tears while holding Sierra in his arms. He felt confused and angry. He saw the look in Iris’s eyes earlier, he saw betrayal and hopelessness. He was confused about why she would feel betrayed when she was the one that did the wrong thing. He just held Sierra tighter and whispered comforting things in her ear.

After a few moments of them holding one another, they headed to bed. Sierra went out like a light while Luke was staring at the blank ceiling. Many thoughts filled his head. Why? Why would she cheat on them? Weren’t they enough? “Oh my God, I called her a whore!” He thought. He knew that Iris never liked these like kind of words because it reminded her of the past relationships. He remembered the time that when they were 19, where she came home beaten up from her ex-boyfriend. He never wanted to murder someone badly at that moment.

*Flashback*

Someone was knocking on his door at 3 a.m in the morning. Luke groaned and shouted, “I’m coming!” he opened his door to reveal Iris, who had a black eye and multiple bruises on her body. “Luke...” she said before collapsing. He panicked and decided to bring her inside. He put her on his couch, quickly reaching for his phone, and text the boys.

Luke: GUYS!

Michael: What the hell Luke. It’s 3 in the morning!

Calum: Why are you complaining? It’s not like you’re sleeping anyways!

Luke: It’s an emergency!

Ashton: What’s wrong Luke?

Luke: It’s Iris.

Calum, Michael, Ashton: We’re coming over.

He threw his phone at the loveseat next to his couch. He went to the kitchen to grab some ice. When he came back, Iris was already trying to sit up. “Hey, don’t try to get up yet. You’re still disoriented,” he said. “Is he here? Oh my God, he’s coming for me. You got to run, Luke. He’s gonna-” she rambled. “Buttercup, hey, hey, hey, calm down for me, okay?” he reassured her. “Who’s coming for you? Why do I have to run?” he asked. “Daniel, he- he’s angry. He’ll hit people when he’s angry,” she said. Suddenly, rapid knocks came from the door. Iris screamed and held on to Luke.

He held her close while they both walked to the door. Luke looks through the peephole. It was the boys. He opened the door Ashton went in a hugged Iris. He looked at her up and down. His wants worried face turn into anger. "Who did this? Tell me Sunshine. Who hurt you?" Ashton asked. "Close the door, will you Luke?" She whispered. And he did. Michael and Calum were angry too. "It- it was Daniel," she said. Luke and Ashton sprang up. They look like they wanted to murder someone. Michael put a hand on their shoulders to calm them down. Calum sat beside her and stroked her back. "Why did he hit you, buttercup?" He asked, softly. "This time I did make dinner he came back drunk-" "What do you mean by "this time"? Iris, did he hurt you before?" Luke asked angrily. "Lucas let her finish," Calum said. He looked at her. "He came home drunk, screaming profanities, and called me a whore as well..." She said, sobbing. A sharp intake of breath can be heard from Ashton. "Why?" Calum asked. "He doesn't like me hanging around you guys." She said. "So he'll "punish" me for doing so." She said, crying. Luke was fuming.

Speaking of the devil, there were shouting outside the apartment. “I know you’re in there you bitch!” the voice shouted. Iris held on to Calum shirt, She was shaking badly. Michael and Ashton marched towards the door. They opened the door to see a very intoxicated Daniel. "Get out of my way, I'm here for Iris." He mumbled, angrily. "No, we will not move," Ashton said. Daniel saw Iris holding on to Calum on the couch and became more violent. "There you are, slut!" He shouted. Michael and Ashton tried holding him back. " What did you call her?!" Luke said loudly. " A fucking slut." Daniel sneered. Luke's fist was on Daniel's face in a matter of seconds. Daniel staggered and fell. "Don't. Ever. Call. Her. That. or you'll never see the light of day again. He said between punches. Michael held Luke back, Ashton roughly grabbed Daniel's shirt collar. "If I ever see you within a mile-radius from Iris again you'll be a dead man." Ashton threatened. Daniel cowered and ran away. Luke kneeled in front of Iris. Iris lets go of Calum's shirt and fell into Luke's arms. He wrapped his arms around her waist. She was crying harder. Luke held her tightly. (but not too tight.) With one arm steadying her waist, and another one rubbing her back. "It's okay, buttercup. We're here. I'm here."

*End of Flashback*

He snapped awake from his daydream from the sound of his phone’s ringtone. He got up and answered his phone. “Hello?” Luke said. "Lucas Robert Hemmings, you fucking asshole!" Ashton shouted through the phone. "Why the fuck are you shouting, Ash. It's fuckin' 4am!" Luke whisper-shouted. "You don't know how badly I wanna beat your ass right this second." He said angrily. "What did I do?" He said. "WHAT DID YOU DO?! YOU CALLED IRIS A WHORE, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!" Ashton shouted again. Luke rubbed his face and sighed. "She was cheating-" "She wasn't cheating, you dumbass! She was at the bar, drinking. The woman that YOU thought Iris was cheating on you with was an old friend of ours. Their name is Amera, They’re in a serious relationship and are asexual. So there's no fuckin' way that Iris cheating on you. You know that she knows how painful it is of getting cheated on. So do you both really think that she'll do that?!" Ashton scolded him. And now Luke knew, he fucked up. "Shit, Ash...." He whispered. "Yes, shit. You hurt her Luke. She came to my home, soaked through from running in the rain. She was trying not to cry in front of me, Lucas. Calum and Michael know about this as well. And god knows what they'll do with you, Lucas. I swear, if you don't do anything to fix this, you'll lose a great one. She's the one that put up through all your shit since day one, you got that?" Ashton said. "Yes...yes I got it," Luke said, regretfully. “Good. Now I’ll let you go make an apology. And a really good one.” Ashton said before hanging up. Luke sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. 

Movement can be heard from behind him. “Luke?” He heard Sierra whisper. “Sorry I woke you up,” Luke said. “No, No, It’s okay. What wrong?” Sierra said, slowly making her way towards him. “Honey.....We fucked up.” He whispered. “ Sorry, I can’t hear you well enough. Can you repeat it?” she said.

.

.

.

.

.

“We fucked up.”

[betterdaysareatoenailaway]

Sleep Tight For Me...I’m Gone

Lately I’ve been writing these Better Days Are A Toenail Away™️ posts in Microsoft Word, selecting all and changing the font to Garamond, which is so readable and beautiful, and posting the Word docs, paragraphs by paragraph, inside these Tumblr drafts. It makes things look nice, to my old fashioned sensibilities, but fixing errors is a time-consuming and needlessly convoluted four-step process.

First, I have to copy, then delete the paragraph containing the error. Then I open the doc. and paste the error-ridden paragraph back into Word. After I find and fix the error, I need to save it and copy and paste it back into the post. It's time-consuming because I’m not just copying a paragraph. As you can see from more recent post, what I copied looked more like a photograph of the paragraph, not the words themselves written in Tumblr’s default font Arial. For an example of this, see below. I like the way it looks like old newspaper clippings. I posted an article about how my fent dealer John Smith kept getting robbed, and had resorted to putting a machete in front of his front door as a way of preventing this, a lever of sorts, which is plainly visible in the video I posted,

So today I’ve given up on trying to make my posts look like books or zines, and have given into the Tumblr font, which is about as pretty as a horse with his snout shot off.

There are two much longer posts I’m working on right now, one about Nirvana and one about Soundgarden, respectively, and how both bands were very unlike their public perception, but those posts are taking a lot of work so I’m putting them on the backburner because today is some dumbass corporation’s day where it tries to synthesize mental health and profit and the end result is as baldly capitalist and clumsy as you would expect. 

I’m not gonna name the company, or repeat their stupid fucking slogan. As far as I can tell (which isn't very far), talking about my trauma has never made me feel better. And in fact it has sometimes made me feel worse, because in telling you what hurts and scares me, I’ve given a part of myself away that I can’t get back. When you’re like me, and you’ve lost everything multiple times, sometimes the only form of power you have is how you choose, or do not choose, to tell your story. And in a world where everybody wants to tell “their truth,” silence is power. 

You don’t get to know me, sorry. I’m not gonna hand you my life, both my bad and good experiences, and conclude: “Welp, that’s why I’m so fucked up. Case closed.” 

Honestly, I used to be a little confused, or miffed that my former partner (who is an amazing person btw, in every respect) almost never spoke about some of the traumatic things she’d experienced in her past. I took it as a sign that she either didn’t trust me, or she didn’t think I would be a sympathetic listener, or the mere fact of my gender precluded her from sharing because I couldn’t truly understand what it was she had gone through. It’s not like I ever asked her to talk about it, but I did say, once or twice, “hey if you ever wanna talk about that stuff, I’m around.” She never took me up on it, and I let it go. 

But as I watched her, and saw her life unfold, over the years we spent together, I began to realize I wasn’t exactly in any position to be telling her how to live her life or how to be mentally healthy. After all, she has found success in a number of avenues, both creative and occupational, and I’ve found neither. I'm not saying the fact that she didn't talk much about her trauma is the reason for her success. I'm saying that she's forged a better path through life than I have, and maybe I should take a cue from that.

She never told me what to do, per se. It was more like living by example. But because I’m pretty dense, and a severe addict, our time together actually sorta reminds me now of that Cornell lyric from his first record: She’s going to change the world. But she can’t change me.

I have certainly found that talking about how shitty my life is only makes me feel more shitty, not free, or unburdened, or better. If you wanna talk about your problems, and you find it helpful, more power to you. Just don’t wait for a corporation to tell you it’s okay to not be okay. 

When Chris Cornell died I was so shocked. Of all the grunge icons he seemed the most stable, and he'd survived the rise and fall of two major label rock bands. If anyone had survived the media machine that chewed up and spat out Staley, Cobain, and to a lesser extent Andrew Wood and Shannon Hoon, it was Cornell. He would be the last guy to support hashtag activism like #StarbucksMyLifeSucks. Chris Cornell actually loved to fuck with the best laid plans of corporate rats. Molson once had a few promotional concerts in Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, called Molson Canadian Rocks Arctic, with both Hole and Soundgarden playing to a crowd of flown-in grunge fans and bemused locals. But the whole anti-corporate thing grunge was known for actually came through when Courtney Love told the crowd she “use[d] Molson Canadian to douche.” Lol. Here’s a photo of Love arriving in Tuktoyatuk.

Cornell told the same people “so we’re here because of some beer company? Labatt’s?” Both artists’ jabs are funny. Cornell’s was a bit more subtle, but that’s what Cornell was like. 

So today’s post is about Chris Cornell’s suicide, more specifically the media’s reaction to it. For whatever reason, when Cornell died, every single news outlet, from CNN to Fox to CBC, posted “Black Hole Sun,” as if it’s the only song he ever fucking wrote, or – and this is far worse – the only song he wrote that’s worth hearing. The problem with this is more than twofold or threefold. It's fucking hydraheaded. 

Not only is “Black Hole Sun” a mediocre piece of music, it’s a complete misrepresentation of Soundgarden’s sound. 

Now, I’m a huge fan of the A.V. Club series HateSong, in which public figures gleefully talk shit about the one song they hate more than any other song in the world. The Max Bemis (Say Anything) one where he talks about Nirvana’s “Rape Me” as a terrible rewrite of “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is terrific, but comedian Anthony Jeselnik’s HateSong takes “Black Hole Sun” apart, and I love it. I think the best line is: I think the more I hear it, the worse it gets. AVC: After the song became a huge hit, Chris Cornell said that he’d written it in about 15 minutes. AJ: I totally believe that. I don’t believe that Soundgarden likes that song. Like, I remember Eminem once said that he knew his song “My Name Is” was going to be a huge hit because the first time he heard it he was annoyed. It’s something about an annoying song that just grabs onto people. But I don’t think that anyone likes “Black Hole Sun.” I’ve never heard of anyone who likes it. I don’t understand why it gets played so much. It’s become a summer jam, and it’s not a summer song at all. Jeselnik is right that Soundgarden didn’t think much of the song. Guitarist Kim Thayil wasn’t kidding when he disparagingly called it the “Dream On” of their live show. And Cornell himself, known for a meticulous approach to his songwriting, had admitted that with “Black Hole Sun”was “probably the closest to me just playing with words for words’ sake, of anything I’ve written. I guess it worked for a lot of people who heard it, but I have no idea how you'd begin to take that one literally.” I mean it’s obvious from the opening lines that Cornell is just playing with words and how they sound: in my eyes/indisposed/in disguises no one knows What songs would have been more appropriate for Cornell’s untimely death? Glad you asked! Cuz there’s like…fucking at least ten that would have been better. I’m not tryna be one of those “the deep album cuts are better maaaaaan,” but with Soundgarden, it happens to be true. With some bands, the single are their best work. With other bands, the singles are the hors d’oeuvres for the entrees. So what deep cuts would have celebrated Cornell’s death a bit better? Well, to begin with, Superunknown’s strange and stately closer “Like Suicide” would have worked, for obvious reasons.

“Tighter and Tighter,” a song that is actually about the moment of death and what it might feel like, is one of my all-time fav Soundgarden songs. Not only is it a creepy and prescient prediction of what Cornell’s death by hanging himself may have felt like, it’s opening line is a good description of the personification of death: Shadow face/Blowing smoke and talking wind

Another sample lyric: “A sucking holy wind will take me from this bed tonight/and bloody wits another hits me and I have to say goodbye/sleep tight for me, I’m gone/and I hope it’s  a sweet ride/here for me tonight/cuz I’m feel I’m going/feel I’m slowing down.” 

The morning after Cornell’s death hit the news my buddy and bandmate James told me that en route to work his phone, which was playing music randomly through his car speakers, landed on “Tighter and Tighter” and he had to pull over because he was tearing up. 

“Fell On Black Days” is another song about depression and mortality. Cornell had the following to say about the song: “Fell on Black Days” was like this ongoing fear I’ve had for years ... It's a feeling that everyone gets. You're happy with your life, everything’s going well, things are exciting—when all of a sudden you realize you’re unhappy in the extreme, to the point of being really, really scared. There's no particular event you can pin the feeling down to, it's just that you realize one day that everything in your life is fucked! 

Now, if that’s not a cogent and even-tempered explanation of suicidal thoughts, what is? Why else would Cornell have admitted to being “really really scared” by his depression unless he knew what that depression could ultimately leasd to? Here’s some lyrics to “Fell on Black Days.” Dig the high literary use of “whomsoever” and “whatsoever.” Whatsoever I’ve feared has come to life Whatsoever I fought off became my life Just when every day seemed to greet me with a smile sunspots have faded and now I’m doing time cuz I fell on black days

Whomsoever I’ve cured I’ve sickened now Whomsoever I’ve cradled...I put you down I’m a searchlight soul they say but I can’t see it in the night I’m only faking when I get it right I sure don’t mind a change but I fell on black days how would I know that this could be my fate?

Eagle-eared listeners might think this version different from the album version. They are right. The rendition in the video was recorded live off the floor @ Bad Animals, the Seattle studio owned by Heart, where Soundgarden would record Down on the Upside. 

“Boot Camp” is a scary meditation about loss of agency that for years was tied with Zeppelin’s “I'm Gonna Crawl” for Creepiest Song to Cap a Discography, until Soundgarden reunited and released King Animal.

“Taree” is about ghost light, influencing events after dying and features Cornell’s most exhausted, convincing “yeah” @ 2:57.

“Applebite” is a Matt Cameron-penned ponderous clunker about Adam’s original expulsion from Eden. Doomy and death-laden.

“Let Me Drown” is a song about letting someone die.

“The Day I Tried To Live” is frequently cited as Soundgarden’s finest achievement, its odd time signature somehow sounds straight, thanks to Matt Cameron’s brilliant time keeping.

“4th of July” is a song about a post apocalyptic urban landscape, where the speaker isn’t sure whether he is seeing fireworks or bombs. 

“Limo Wreck” is a cool death song and has an eerie 9-11 prediction. “Building the towers belongs to the sky/when the whole thing comes crashing down don’t ask me why.” 

ANY of the above songs would have been better than that fucking asinine dirge-like major key fuckaround that has somehow not just become Soundgarden's signature song...but their ONLY song. 

Does nobody remember Johnny Cash covering “Rusty Cage?” 

“Outshined?”

“Burden In My Hand?”

“Blow Up The Outside World?”

Did none of these other songs get stuck in the electric head? (The electric head is Rob Zombie’s term for the technologically advanced culture we have found ourselves enmeshed in, or imprisoned by. It was the subtitle for White Zombie’s 1995 hit album Astro-Creep 2000: Songs of Love, Destruction, and other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head.)

For my money (which ain’t much honey), the song that best fits both Cornell’s artistic integrity and the sad circumstances of his suicide is “Tighter and Tighter.” I once wrote a whole article on the way artists use “yeah” as a placeholder or as a way to convey emotion when words themselves aren’t adequate. Dig that tired, world-weary exhausted “yeah” at 5:35 of “Tighter & Tighter.”

Or the creepy line going into the first chorus: remember this...remember everything’s just black or burning sun. Not that I agree with such a bleak worldview. It’s a writer’s line. And Randy Bachman has said, “when you’re a writer, you’d step over your own mother.” That’s the Cornell I want to remember. Not that he would step over his own mother. By all accounts he was a committed family man. I mean, I want to remember the Cornell who created strange atmospheric sonic worlds, who explored the dark side that sadly, eventually won out. His otherworldly beautiful music is what I choose to remember about Chris Cornell, not his estate tastelessly exploiting “Black Hole Sun” by using a line from the song to title a posthumous Cornell album of covers No One Sings Like You Anymore. Sigh.

First Cornell’s widow said this was “Chris’s last album.” Okay. What about the Soundgarden songs he recorded vocals for before he died? Kim Thayil was pretty diplomatic about it when asked recently. Cornell did record vocal tracks for the follow up to King Animal.

Kim Thayil: “Given our love for Chris, I do not see us reconfiguring without him.”

But he makes it clear in this interview that Cornell’s widow Vicky has those tracks and won’t release them to the band. Maybe because she blames the band for Chris dying that night? She’s not wrong to believe that they would have known, and seen, what kind of shape Cornell was in, at least at the venue, maybe not later at the hotel.

Kim Thayil: “It’s entirely possible that a new Soundgarden album will be released. Certainly. All it would need is to take the audio files that are available. I tighten up the guitars. Ben does the bass. We get the producers we want to make it sound like a Soundgarden record.”

Interviewer: “Is there an obstacle stopping that?”

Kim Thayil: “There shouldn’t be. There really isn’t. Other than the fact that we don’t have those files.”

Interviewer: “They’re not under your auspices?”

Kim Thayil: “Right. It would be ridiculous if [the record wasn’t made]. But these are difficult things. Partnerships and...property.”

You’re just gonna keep those wav files? And why title his covers album Volume 1 if it’s his “last album?”

Oh right. $$$

No one does sing like Cornell, but is “Black Hole Sun” really the best thing he ever did? The best song he ever sang? Should an album of covers be the last thing he gives to the world?

The only honest answer is no.

Sleep tight Chris. You’re gone.

[lovehugsandcandy]

kiss me heavy heavy ('cuz you know we ain’t done yet) (Colt x MC, RoD) 

A/N: Title (and more herein) is a riff from Here with Me by Elina. For Choices September Challenge, Day 27 (barely made it whew), and the prompt was Family.

Pairing: Colt x MC, references to past Logan x MC

Rating: R (swearing, injuries, suggestiveness, drinking in excess and being furiously hungover)

Length: ~13,000 words (way way way too long and I apologize)

Summary: Ellie and Colt’s family breaks apart; Ellie and Colt’s family comes together.

When Colt broke his arm, he was 7. He had figured out how to work the lift in the shop. He had figured out when everyone went to lunch. And he had figured out how to fly, how to leap from heights and love the weightlessness in his stomach as his legs kicked out into thin air. But he had not yet figured out how to climb a hydraulic lift. When he fell, instead of the graceful landing he was expecting, he slammed into the harsh concrete, nowhere near as forgiving as the clear water of the Pacific. He shattered his ulna but, even worse, it was the start of the arguments between his parents about his trips to the cliff with his dad. Those trips became less frequent, the screaming fights became more, and then they moved, far from the shop and the cliff and the concrete floor that earned him his first cast.

When Ellie broke her arm, she was 12. She was scared; she had never been in a car accident before and the shattering of glass and sudden sharp pain made her cry, heaping sobs that her mom wiped from her face with careful hands while the paramedics poked and prodded. She was even more scared after, when the trip to the hospital revealed something was seriously wrong with her mother, and terrified for the following year, until it was only her and her dad and his fear of the entire world.

When their daughter broke her arm, she had just turned 5 and it was the end of the end and the beginning of the beginning.

~~~~~

"Please, Logan. I wouldn't ask if it weren't important. "

She heard his heavy sigh over the phone. "I can move things around. I'll be there. But Ellie?"

"Yeah?"

Logan's cautious tone interrupted her internal fist bump. "Why is this so important?"

"Because...because Colt asked if he could bring someone."

"Ellie..."

"I just..." She dropped her eyes, darting through the crowd, phone pressed to her ear so hard she thought she was getting a headache. But maybe it was this whole situation making her jaw tense and temples throb. "I just....I don’t want to go alone while he’s there with a new girlfriend."

"There is no way in hell Colt has a girlfriend."

"He asked if we needed tickets for a freaking dance recital." She thought back to the awkward conversation, stilted and strange, when she was distracted in her kitchen and he was miles across town, always too far. 

“I thought we actually did need tickets?”

“Not because it’s gonna sell out!” Ellie had to stop talking with her hands, her flailing accidentally hitting the person next to her. She mouthed an apology to the dour woman to her left and walked faster. “Because it’s a money-making racket where they want you to pay for a ticket and the photos and a freaking video of the thing.”

“This is sounding less appealing by the second.”

"Logan, please? He said he wanted to bring someone and I don’t think I can-” She bit her lip, thinking. It had taken them an excruciatingly long two years to get to this point. After the furious phone call and months of silence, it had taken Colt almost a year to thaw, to actually interact with her beyond the scheduling and logistical communication required in co-parenting their daughter, and then months after that to actually stop speaking in clipped words and bitter tones. Slowly, so slowly, they made their way back to something that flowed and worked but, sometimes, when the three of them grabbed dinner or when she caught his eye at a school event, sometimes she thought they were edging their way to something more, to something old, to something that felt like the last two years had been a nightmare that Ellie was ready to wake up from. His new girlfriend definitely proved that those hopes were all in Ellie’s imagination. “I don’t think I can do it alone."

"Maybe it's his mom."

"She’s still at that conference in Miami." So what if she cut Colt off before he could even explain? She couldn't reasonably expect to sit there while Colt was asking if his new girl could attend their daughter's dance recital. Urgh. That asshole. “Oh my God. Do you think he’s gonna bring her to Kira’s birthday party too?” 

“Ellie, he has the personality of a sociopath and the social ability of a troll. He's single.”

Ellie had to smile. Logan had always been in her corner. While Ximena, Toby, and Mona had their loyalties tested in the breakup, Logan had always had her back. He was her rock and, for a while, they tried to be more, when Colt was gone and Ellie was miserable and terrified and needed someone, but it had never quite worked out. Thankfully, they had managed to to remain thick as the thieves they used to be. "He’s also the father of my child, Logan.”

"And I'm so glad she takes after you."

"Ha ha.” Kira definitely took after her in a lot of ways; like Ellie, she worked hard and had an innate kindness about her that made care for her classmates and call her grandfather every night. But she also had a stubborn streak, an insistence on getting her way that was reminiscent of Colt, along with the smart mouth and an innate confidence that could only be from her father. She even looked like Colt, all thick black hair and deep brown eyes and constantly smirking lips. “Ok, Logan, I'm back at work."

"Alright, fine, see you Saturday?"

"Of course. And thank you, Logan."

Ellie hung up the phone and strode through the lobby, flashing her badge and giving a wave to the receptionist before taking the elevator to her desk and slinking into her seat. She had a major presentation next week, in front of the CEO of the entire company, and she was panicking. As she logged into her computer, she knew she had no time to worry about her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and her broken family and a dance recital that she was decidedly not looking forward to; she had work to do.

~~~~~

Before (before, in the very beginning, when things were amazing...)

Ellie rubbed her growing stomach with one hand and bit at the fingernails of her other hand, considering. It wasn't that Ellie was worried, per se; Colt loved her with a single minded devotion that took her breath away, an intensity that made her weak in the best of moments and absolutely destroyed in the worst.

It's just that he wouldn't put down his phone, eyes on the screen at every spare moment. She didn't think he was cheating on her; with the crew and the shop, he lacked the free time needed for an illicit affair. But she just didn't know what else it could be.

And when she asked what he was doing, he would slide his phone away, almost bashful, revealing nothing. It piqued her curiosity and she couldn't, wouldn't leave it alone.

This time, when he threw his phone on the bed and left the room to take a shower, this time, she resolved to find out. She waited until she heard the water running and then reached for it, getting through the lock screen immediately. (Eight numeric digits? Easy. She only needed one guess.)

She looked through the messages (unsurprisingly, mostly to her), the calls (again, mostly her, though the pizza place by the shop was a close second), and finally hit pay dirt when she opened the browser, multiple tabs calling for her attention.

The first looked like a textbook, long words and citations everywhere; it wasn’t until she saw the first image, a chart with weeks and produce arranged in a confusing display, that she realized what it was. A baby book? 

The second tab was similarly confusing. ‘Abigail, Amelia, Audrey...’ It, again, took her a minute to realize that it was a list baby names in alphabetical order. She blinked, barely hearing the water turn off.

Her mouth was open when he walked in the room. “Colt?”

“Yeah?”

“Is this...” Her voice caught. “Are you reading a baby book on your phone?”

“Uhhh....yeah?” He ran a towel through his hair and shrugged. 

“And baby names?”

“Yeah?”

“I...” She blinked up at him, watching a water droplet slide down the side of his face. “I didn’t know that.”

"Well, I don’t have much experience with kids, you know. I don’t want to fuck it up."

She could feel tears starting to form, her happiness emerging as water from her eyes. Damn hormones. "Colt...." She pulled him to sit on the bed next to her. "You are gonna be a great dad. Really."

He just looked at her, taking in the weepy eyes and the pouting frown, and pulled her into a hug, grazing soft kisses across her brow. “I...I don’t wanna be my dad.”

“You won’t. Oh my God, Colt, you won’t.” She knew how worried he was about this, how the torn relationship with his father was never truly repaired before Kaneko’s fiery death. But she wasn’t worried, confident in every way that Colt would rise to the challenge, like he did in every other aspect of their life. She pulled him closer for a lingering kiss, trying to transmit some of her confidence through her lips; he deepened the kiss, hand falling to her waist to thumb the soft skin there, a moan catching in his throat.

He pulled back to curve careful fingers around her face. "I wish you had the baby already."

"Why?" She put her hand over her stomach, still insecure about the curve forming, unfamiliar and new and alien to her.

He slid his hands over hers, then up, further, teasing the soft skin underneath her breasts. "Cuz I'd give you another baby right now."

"Some if the stuff you say is not sexy." Still, she shivered and his hands slid higher.

"Then why are you taking my clothes off right now?" She looked down to where her hands were clutched in his t-shirt, moving of their own accord to get closer to the skin and muscle underneath.

She opened her mouth and closed it again. "You're damn lucky you're cute "

His eyes softened. "I'm just damn lucky."

~~~~~

Now (when things aren’t great but things are fine and things aren’t good but time flies on...)

The conversation with Logan was still fresh in her mind, even over a few days of life and logistics and thinking thinking thinking, when she slid into the chair with a sigh. “Riya, I am tired.” The large coffee cup in a death grip in her hand was proof of that. She had been busy, working as much as she could in order to make sure the most important meeting of her career would go off without a hitch. Thankfully, she and Colt had a fixed schedule, so she could work late some evenings while Colt had Kira and Ellie tried to put her fractured family in the back of her mind. “I have been working 24/7 and have to go to this stupid recital tomorrow where my stupid ex will bring his stupid new girlfriend and I just want a nap.”

Riya only laughed. “I can tell.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to vent as soon as I sat down. How are you?”

“I’m good!” Riya smoothed down her shirt and leaned forward conspiratorially. “But, you know, I would say that being so miffed about Colt’s date is a sign that-”

Ellie’s hand moved fast to whack Riya, a loving slap against her arm. “Stop it. I don’t want to hear it from you.”

“Ok, but I am just saying that, if you were as over him as you swore you were, you wouldn’t care if-”

“Riya!”

“Fine, fine, fine. In other news, I’m excited for the birthday party!”

“Urgh, I can’t believe it’s next weekend. You’re coming, right?”

“You know it. You wanted me to bring an appetizer?”

“That would be amazing.” Ellie sighed as the warm coffee hit her tongue, making its way down her throat. “You are a godsend, you know that?”

“I know, but it doesn’t hurt to hear you say it.” Riya flashed a smile but it fell as she glanced behind Ellie.

“What? What is it?”

Riya’s eyes widened. “Ummm....speaking of your ex...”

Ellie sucked in a breath; she knew it was a possibility, knew it was a risk coming here since the garage was so close to Riya’s work, but it was her turn to make the trek across town. They hadn’t spoken since he asked about the recital, their only communication being quick text messages, all functional, logistical, formal. 

“And it looks like he’s here with someone,” Riya continued.

Ellie was unable to stop the chair from spinning, turning to catch a glimpse. It was Colt, leather jacket and all, looking uncomfortable, hands stuffed in his pockets. And he was here with someone, tiny brunette next to him talking up a storm as they waited in line.

“She looks like a freaking teenager.” Ellie spun back in her seat to drop her cup on the table.

Even Riya looked incredulous. “Is he on a date?” 

Ellie’s breath caught as she turned again to watch them. The girl was pretty, hands flying around as she barely stopped to breathe, clearly and emphatically in the middle of some epic tale.

“Oh, I’m gonna find out.” Ellie stood and, taking a deep breath to center herself, strode over to the pair. The girl saw her first, glancing around in confusion; she looked younger than Ellie originally thought and the flash of red lipstick did nothing to age her. “Hi, Colt.”

He turned, eyes widening before quickly schooling his expression to neutral. “Hi, Ellie.”

“So....what are you doing here?”

He raised an eyebrow before tilting his head towards the front of the shop. “Getting coffee?” 

“Yeah...” She tried to shoot a significant look at the girl, but Colt ignored it. “That is what one does here. I’m here with Riya.”

Colt looked back and gave her best friend a small wave, hands settling back in his pockets as he studied Ellie. “Ok...”

She waited, but no introduction was forthcoming. Well then. “Who’s your friend?”

He blinked. “Ellie, this is Sam. Sam, this is Ellie. Kira’s mom.”

“Oh my God, Kiki?!? She is so adorable!” Ellie froze, staring at the girl. Apparently, Sam had met Kira and apparently, Sam knew her well enough to call her by her nickname.

“Ah, thank you.” She tried to get her bearings back and failed, just staring at her, taking in the hair that flew about her face as she spoke, the innocence shining in her eyes. She reminded Ellie a little of herself, once upon a time, and the thought made something twist deep in her heart.

“We were making origami flowers together the other day and she said that she was the flower princess but then she tried to put the flowers in a muffler so then we had to get pizza and Kira doesn’t like pepperoni so-”

Ellie blinked, dumbfounded. Who in the world-?

“Next!”

And, thankfully, the story was interrupted by the barista, calling for the pair to step forward.

“Ok...” Ellie looked between the two, jaw dropped. “Well, so nice to meet you. Colt, I’ll see you at the recital tomorrow, right?”

“Yep.”

Ellie slunk back to the table and dropped into her seat. “That was a fail.”

“What happened? Who is she?”

“Her name is Sam.”

“And?”

Ellie sighed, heavy through her nose. “Dunno but she’s met Kira.”

“Whoa.” Riya’s eyes widened. She knew what a big deal that was. Colt still hated all people outside of a core, select group of people that Ellie had once been a part of, as tightly encased there as she had been in his arms. So for someone new to be introduced to his daughter? Ellie hazarded a glace behind her, where Colt was paying for both of their drinks.

“Yeah.”

“You think she’s the girl he’s bringing to the recital?”

Ellie put her head in her hands. “I don’t know.”

The answer to that question came far too quickly for Ellie’s liking. The next day she found herself fidgeting in the cheap cramped seats of a local auditorium, toes tapping a quick beat on the floor of the auditorium as her whole leg jiggled.

“Why are you so nervous? And when does this start?” Logan shifted next to her, trying to move away from the elderly woman on his left who kept glancing over as if she were going to try and pinch his cheek. “This is awful.”

“I know. Thank you for coming.” Ellie knew how atrocious this was. And Logan wasn’t even the one who had to slick Kira’s wild hair into a semblance of a braid. “It should start soon.”

Movement to her right made her look up, relief painting her face as Colt squeezed through the row. And behind him?

“Hi, sweetie!” Ximena pushed Colt to the side to pull Ellie into a huge hug. “Thanks for letting me come! I’m so excited to see Kira dance.”

Elllie let out the breath lodged behind her collarbone. “Ximena! X, I didn’t know you were coming!”

“Of course, wouldn’t miss it! Hi, Logan!”

Colt’s face hardened, eyes glowering as he stared Logan down, barely giving him a nod before plopping into the seat next to Ellie. “When’s her first dance?” Colt and Logan had never had the best relationship but, since Colt was back, she felt like she was in the middle of a war zone and one wrong move would detonate a grenade.

“Fourth one.” Ellie said and fished out the program from under her chair. “First the teachers, then the actual dancers, some older kids, then her class.”

He nodded, staring straight ahead at the empty stage. “Why’s Logan here?”

Her stomach dropped. It seemed silly now. “He wanted to see Kira dance. Why’s X here?” The lights flickered above them, signalling that the show was going to start, the shadows flickering over his scowl.

“Same reason.” He crossed his hands over his chest with a huff; it looked like he wanted to say more but bit his tongue. Ellie studied him out of the corner of her eye. “How long is this going to be?”

She rolled her eyes. “Buckle up cuz you’re here for hours.”

“Are we going out after this?”

“Kira said she wanted to get ice cream at the beach.”

“Does he have to come?”

Ellie’s elbow shot out before she could stop it. “Come on.” 

“Shhh!” The woman behind them leaned forward in her seat as the tinny tinkle of piano started from the speakers. “It’s starting.”

Ellie grinned apologetically, Colt just huffed and sank lower in his seat. “God forbid we miss a moment.”

“Oh my God, stop.” She elbowed him again but, based on the laughter in her voice, she didn’t think it carried the right effect. 

And based by the smile she got in return, she knew he was emboldened. “What? You don’t want to miss-” He glanced at the stage and snatched the program from her, sighing. “Whatever the hell this purple monstrosity is?”

“Oh come on, you know you’re going to watch Kira when she comes out.”

“And sleep until that happens?”

“Going for Best Father Ever, here?”

He knocked into her shoulder; he didn’t need to move far, tiny seats pressing the audience into close quarters. “I already have a cup that says that, thank you very much.”

“Umm, hello? Kira made it before she could spell and it actually says Best Farter Ever.”

“And I will treasure it for the rest of my life.”

She laughed and then remembered where she was, shrinking into her seat. “If you get me kicked out...”

“Oh, because I’m always the one dragging you into trouble?”

“Umm...yes?”

“Fine. Yes.” He quirked an eyebrow at her. “But you get into enough trouble on your own, thank you very much.”

“I plead the fifth.” 

She leaned against him as he looked back at the stage. “Are those kids dressed up as sunflowers? What the hell is happening?”

“Colt!” She elbowed him in the side, again, digging in further, casting a careful glance behind them. “We cannot get kicked out of a dance recital.”

“You say it like this would be the worst place I’ve been kicked out of.”

She leaned against the arm rest to glare at him and his answering smirk back made her pause, quirk of his lip making her realize how close they were, squeezed into the audience, fake velour under her fingers the only thing that separated them. She leaned closer.

Her heart stopped as Colt’s hand dropped, almost as if her were going to clasp her palm in his, almost as if he forgot that wasn’t a thing they did anymore. Her breath caught. They were so close to touching, inches, when she could see the look on his face change, when he remembered, when he realized that he couldn’t, shouldn’t.

And the moment was over. He ran his hand through his hair. Ellie turned away, leaning back in her chair and staring at the dancing sunflowers on stage. She could feel the electricity underneath her skin, a counterpoint to the voice in her brain telling her this was a bad idea.

Ellie focused on watching every single dance and staying on her side of the fabric barrier between them.

~~~~~

Before (when things actually couldn’t get better so they had to get worse...)

Kira was screeching, counting numbers in some semblance of order (she would proudly proclaim that she was almost three to anyone who walked by but still thought eighteen came after ten). Ellie shook her head and walked into the bedroom, pulling open the drawer of her bedside table.

Who even used checks nowadays? Urgh. She had no idea where her checkbook was, but it definitely wasn’t there. She rolled her eyes, annoyed, and it was just then that she noticed her bed was vibrating. Well, more specifically, her comforter was vibrating, likely because of the person-shaped lump underneath it that was barely holding it together.

Ellie blinked and carefully lifted up a corner. “Colt?”

“Shhh!” He was beaming, smiling up at her in mirth, eyes shining.

“What are you doing?”

“Kicking ass at hide and seek?”

“Oh my God.”

“And I can try to sneak in a nap at the same time. Brilliant.” He had been working a ton recently, coming home dead on his feet after long days, but this was a little extreme.

“Daddy?” Kira’s quizzical cry came from the hallway.

“Shh!” Colt grabbed Ellie’s wrist and pulled, dragging her onto the bed. “She’ll hear you!”

“Jesus!” Ellie was shrouded into darkness as Colt pulled the comforter over her, pulling her close and effectively hiding them both. It was warm, underneath the down, encased in his arms; she could feel her body heating up in multiple ways as he pulled her closer.

“Hmm....” She could hear his voice coming from somewhere below her right ear and, before she knew it, his lips were teasing the sensitive skin behind her earlobe, open-mouthed kisses sliding lower. “I can think of something else this hiding spot is good for.”

“Oh my God, Colt!”

“Daddy?!?!” The shout was in the room now and Colt’s laugh was huffed against her. Ellie tried not to squirm but his hands around her waist and lips brushing against her neck made it a challenge.

Little hands threw the comforter on the floor. “I found you!”

“You did!” 

Kira squealed as her dad grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into bed with them, tickling her sides as she laughed and laughed and laughed and Ellie thought that she had never, in her entire life, been happier than she was at this moment, watching Kira struggle to breathe through her laughter, watching the worry lines on Colt’s brow fade to joy. She felt content. She felt whole.

“Alright, Kiki. I’m gonna find you now!” Colt clambered up, lifting Kira high over his head. “You better find a good spot.”

Their giggled echoed down the hall as Ellie lay, smiling, basking in the moment. What had she been doing? Oh yeah, the checkbook.

It hadn’t been in her bedside table; maybe it had wound up in Colt’s?

She pushed herself out of bed and wandered over, pulling the drawer open and feeling around. She didn’t see the checkbook immediately but paused when her fingers hit something soft. It felt like fur, maybe velvet, and she pulled it out to see.

And froze.

She checked the doorway to make sure she was alone and sank onto the bed, clutching the ring box in one trembling hand. One last look out the doorway, double-checking, triple-checking, and she opened it, millimeter by incremental millimeter; when she saw the gleam of a diamond, she gasped, shutting the box and throwing it back in the drawer.

They hadn’t really talked about it; she knew Colt was as devoted to her as she was to him but, with Kira and two demanding jobs between them, she never really paid attention to the legal status of their relationship. But, judging by the ring hiding in the back of his bedside table, he had. 

Holy shit.

Ellie couldn’t hold back the smile splitting her face. Her answer was never in doubt.

~~~~~

Now (when things aren’t so sure and things aren’t so good, and it’s still the beginning now...)

“What do you mean you were called in to work?”

“I’m sorry, Ellie.” She could tell that her dad felt bad, both that he was bailing on her and that he wouldn’t see Kira tonight. “It was a last minute thing since Silver got injured yesterday.”

“I understand.” She peered through the glass door into the hallway; it was empty, bright corporate signage taunting her as her mind raced. At least the CEO hadn’t arrived yet and she still had some time to come up with a backup plan. “I’m sure I can figure something out. Someone will be able to watch her.”

“I’m really sorry, kiddo.”

She frantically looked through her phone book as she paced in the conference room, fingers stabbing the digits to try to get to her friends. Riya had tickets to the Lakers game. Logan had to work late in exchange for getting Saturday off.

Ellie took a deep breath as she clicked on her last hope; she had one more person to try. Things had been fine at the recital and he didn’t mention any plans-hopefully, he was free.

“Hey, Ellie.”

It was loud on the shop floor, shouts and banging filtering through the line. “Hi, Colt. Are you busy tonight?” She could hear him step away from the ruckus and into the office; when he shut the door, it was blessedly quiet.

“What’d you say?”

“Are you busy tonight? I’m desperate.”

“Umm...”

“I have a huge work meeting tonight and my dad can’t watch Kira anymore. Are you free? Can you pick her up from school and stay until I get there?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh my God, thank you, thank you, thank you, you have no id-”

“Ellie, it’s fine. Jeez, she’s my daughter; I want to see her. Do you want me to have her sleep here and I can just drop her at school tomorrow?”

“No, I shouldn't be that late. Just bring her to my place.”

“Ok.”

She took a deep breath as she hung up the phone. It would be fine. She wasn’t going to be that late. 

...Except she was.

The meeting went well. Amazingly well. Astoundingly well. So well, in fact, that  she and her team had headed out to their local bar to celebrate for just one drink.

That had turned into two drinks.

That had turned into more, so many more that she couldn’t drive home and could only cling onto the bar when her legs stopped working as she chatted and laughed and reveled in a job well done.

But now it was late and Kira was probably in bed and she couldn’t get her damn key into the lock because the doorknob wouldn’t stop moving. She took a deep breath and rested her forearm on the door frame, stable enough to slow the spinning, if only for a moment, so she could slide the key in the lock and yank the door open and stumbling her way into the house, cursing how easy martinis went down and time flew by.

At least she had the peace of mind to throw her shoes off, to try to dull her footsteps as she stumbled in, feeling her way around the furniture to hit the lights.

“Colt?” She tried to whisper but she wasn’t sure she succeeded, voice echoing around her.

No answer.

“Colt?” She edged her way into her living room and stopped short, barely managing to stay upright before crashing to the floor. He was asleep on the couch, long legs dangling over the side, rise and fall of his chest visible under the wrinkled tee, hitched up so she could see the cut of his abs, treasure trail a tease that disappeared under the button of his jeans. He looked soft, vulnerable, and she could feel her breath catch. It was too intimate, watching him sleep on the couch that used to be his, in the house they used to share, with the daughter they made and raised just down the hall. It was too dangerous, seeing him this soft, as soft as he was in her memories, memories of a better time when her family was whole and she didn’t sleep alone.

And do a lot more than sleep in that bed. Because even in her drunken state, she could vividly recall what was under those jeans.

She watched him for a minute, taking in the long lines of muscles, the flawless eyebrows, the line of his jaw. “Colt?”

He started, turning to her as his eyes flickered open and fell on her. “Hey. How was your work thing?”

“Good. Sorry I was so late.”

“No worries.” He sat up, yawning.

“How was Kira?”

He blinked up at her, slowly, hair mussed into the bedhead that was all too familiar and that she wished she had forgotten. “Good. We went to the butterfly exhibit at the zoo.”

She could just picture them, hand-in-hand, looking at butterflies and stopping for ice cream before they left. It was the life she had and wanted and lost. She opened her mouth to speak but instead, she hiccuped. Loudly. And did it again, alcohol turning warm in her stomach, heating up the blood flowing throughout her body, setting fire to her face as she blushed.

“Let me...” Colt stood, staring at her uncertainly. “Let me get you some water.”

She nodded, following him into the kitchen, watching as he filled a glass and handed it to her. “Did your-hic-did your girlfriend go?”

He paused, eyes cutting to her. “Huh?” He handed over the glass and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Did your girlfriend go?”

“What girlfriend? And go where?”

Ellie’s hands flailed and she grimaced as the water sloshed onto the floor. “The girl. Your girlfriend.”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“But...” She narrowed her eyes at him, sipping the water. “Can you stop moving around? You’re all floaty.”

“You’re all drunk. You should go to bed.”

“No! I’m-” She swayed and had to put the glass down, heavy hand clasping the counter for support. “I might be drunk.”

He chuckled, shaking his head, eyes almost fond. “I should go home.”

“I thought you were gonna bring her to the recital.”

“Bring who to the recital?”

“Your girlfriend, Colt, keep up.”

He opened and closed his mouth. “I don’t have a girlfriend, Ellie. I think you should-”

“If you don’t have a girlfriend, I think you should kiss me.” If she had any coordination left, she would have slapped her hand in front of her mouth as penance for speaking before thinking. However, as it was, she needed to hold on the counter so she wouldn’t slink onto the floor; with no extra hands, she bit her lip and flushed, face and body heating up in shame.

He gaped and ran a hand through his hair, rocking back on his heels. “Ellie, you’re drunk. And you have a boyfriend. We’re not gonna-”

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“But you do. I mean, you have since I got out.” His eyes narrowed. Ellie wanted to smooth the lines from his forehead. Hell, in her drunken state, she wanted to do a lot more.

“What? I don’t, I haven’t, not in a looong time.”

He stared, for so long she almost considered letting go of her iron grip on the counter to walk towards him, but wasn’t sure that she would make it without falling to the ground. Finally, he spoke. “It doesn’t matter. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not.” She was starting to get offended by the aspersions against her sobriety, but she didn’t know which of the three Colts in front of her she should complain to.

“You are.”

“Would you if I were sober?”

“Jesus Christ.”

“Would you kiss me if I were sober?” She was acutely aware of the distance between them- five feet, ten tiles, four steps, none of which she was currently capable of taking. She could feel the distance weighing heavy on her skin as she blinked at him.

“Ellie...” He walked forward, cautious and slow: three feet, two of his steps, and she felt braver. 

“I think you would. I think you should.”

His eyes trailed down her face.

“I think you should kiss me now.”

“You’re drunk.” It was a whisper, a breath, but loud enough to rocket through the static in Ellie’s brain as he stepped forward again.

“But if I were sober?”

He was so close that she could follow the path of his eyes, locking with hers, then down, glancing at the mole on her cheek, the freckle on her chin, before ending the circuitous gaze at her lips.

“If I were sober, would you kiss me?”

“If you were sober, I would carry you back to your bedroom and show you what you've been missing for the last two years.”

She blinked once and, when her brain caught up to his words, her hands leapt of their own accord, grabbing his t-shirt and pulling, pulling him closer so his chest met hers and their legs were tangled and none of that mattered because they were kissing, finally kissing, after two years apart, after missed connections and miscommunications and none of that mattered when he backed her into the counter, hands on her hips, mouth never leaving hers.

Heat immediately flashed through her body; was it the kiss? The booze? The fact that it had been two years? 

The world spun as strong hands under her thighs lifted her; suddenly, she was perched on the counter. He was slotted in between her legs, mouth dropping to her neck, to the spot behind her ear. She couldn’t think, couldn’t control herself, legs wrapping around him to pull, closer, please, closer. She moaned as his lips moved to up her chin, stubble scraping her jawline, warm friction the most welcome sensation in the world; she wanted to feel the rough scratch all over her. She let out a shuddery exhale, barely formed into his name, pulling at his shirt. His hands slid up her thigh and they were scorching hot, fingers ten lines of fire skating up her already overheating body, underneath her dress, higher still as she though she was going to burst into flames, burn up from the inside and explode. She was spinning when she closed her eyes, spinning when she opened them, the world moving as her head dropped back against the cabinet.

He was going to light her on fire and all she wanted to do was burn.

“Ellie-” His lips had somehow found her ear. It was so hot, so warm in this room, in this skin. The room wouldn’t stop moving. “Ellie, I-”

She grabbed at the edge of the counter, trying to make everything still. It was all spinning, her familiar kitchen curving around her. It must be the heat. It couldn’t be good to be this hot. 

He pulled back, only a blurry shape between the spots in her vision. “Ellie?”

She blinked.

Time was starting to bend, sway, change; she could have sworn that he had been right in front of her, hands and lips and taut muscles and stubbled jaw so close she swore they had been touching, but now, suddenly, he was across the room, feet away, eyes unreadable.

The lights in her kitchen were shifting too, spots of color flaring at the edges of her vision, warping and changing and disappearing when she tried to focus.

She blinked.

And he was in front of her again, hands on her waist to lift her onto the floor, smoothing down the lines of her dress, a dress that was not so professional, not anymore, not when it had made its way up her thighs to make room for strong, clever fingers dragging paths of fire along her skin.

The room was shifting too, floor moving, swaying, walls in funhouse patterns around her. She grasped the counter behind her, wrapped Colt’s t-shirt in her other hand, struggling to stay upright with the tilting of the room.

She blinked.

And Kira was there, talking, words coming too fast for her tired brain to understand, Colt filling a plastic unicorn glass with water as the spots of light grew in her eyes.

She blinked.

And the spots of light were a blaze. She opened her eyes to light, bright light, everywhere, and a pounding in her head that spread throughout her body with every throb, the roar of her heartbeat making her wince as it joined the jack-hammering in her brain. She squinted and managed to make out familiar walls, her desk, the large window that was allowing the painful sunshine to pour into the room. She was in her bedroom, somehow, feeling like hell. Everything hurt, she couldn’t think through the construction in her brain, and her mouth was dry and tasted like bad decisions. Crap. She knew these signs. She was hungover.

From the living room, she could hear the soft patter of tiny feet and muffled giggles. Double crap. Kira was up, which meant she needed to fight through the wreckage and somehow pull it together. She rolled over to grab a pillow to throw over her aching eyes and, while she thankfully caught the scream before it left her throat, she couldn’t stop the gasp.

She wasn’t alone in bed. She could see a hint of dark hair, a defined bicep muscle and strong shoulder completely out of place on her sheets. She hazarded a look down and winced. She was naked.

Oh my God.

“Stop freaking out, nothing happened.” Oh, thank goodness, it was Colt. Granted, not great, but, if she was going to wake up in a questionable position next to someone, he was definitely the best of some bad alternatives. “I’ll get her.” The sun slammed pinpoints of pain through her eyes as she watched him clamber out of bed, throwing on clothes.

“If nothing happened, why am I naked?” Triple crap. She was barely able to speak, hoarse voice fighting through chapped lips.

“Because you don’t listen to reason when you’re drunk?” He shrugged on a shirt and she watched the cut of muscles in his back move as he dragged his arms into the sleeves.

She licked her lips and even that small movement hurt. “Why are you here?”

“Because I didn’t think you would be able to function today.” He looked over his shoulder, eyes taking in her supine form, huffing out a sigh. “I wasn’t wrong.”

He wasn’t wrong. She felt like death, eyes falling closed as he left the room.

And eyes shooting open as she remembered.

She didn’t remember everything, had a sense that the night faded from her mind as the hours crept by, but she definitely remembered balancing on the counter as her hands slid though the short hairs at the back of his head and his hands slid up her bare legs. She definitely remembered words and kisses that took her breath away and she remembered leaning back against the counter, warm and pliant, held captive by his hands and his lips and the sparks settling in the base of her stomach. She lifted a shaky hand to her jaw; the skin there was still sensitive, the line of his stubble leaving a flush trail that tingled as her hand gently probed her chin.

Colt said nothing happened.

She wouldn’t call these memories ‘nothing.’

Fuck.

Her mind raced. She tried to think through the noise in her brain but was coming up short, memories refusing to return from whatever mental place the alcohol buried them in. She remembered the work meeting, the bar, coming home; she remembered them kissing, could still feel it in her toes. But then? Nothing. 

Urgh.

She was never drinking again.

If she listened closely, focusing on the world outside the pain, she could hear Kira and Colt in the kitchen.

“Daddy! You wore those clothes yesterday.”

“Seriously?” He coughed, awkwardly bumbling before he could respond. “You’re wearing a tutu and dinosaur rain boots while carrying a plastic sword and you want to talk about my outfit?”

“I’m a ballerina dinosaur hunter, daddy! Can I have toast?”

She pushed herself to a sitting position, waiting until the room stopped spinning, and then pushed to a stand, waiting until the floor stopped lurching. She had just managed to throw on some sweats when the door opened again, Colt ducking in with a glass of water and a couple painkillers.

“You said nothing happened.” She tried to glare at him but it hurt her eyes

He blinked. “Nothing happened, Ellie. I know you woke up naked but I swear to God we didn’t-”

“We kissed.” She snatched the pills from his hand, throwing them in her mouth. He handed over the water glass and looked away from her, guilty as hell.

“Yeah. We kissed. That’s it.”

“That’s not noth-”

“I know that.” He looked intently at her, voice dropping to a pained whisper, glancing behind him to where Kira was humming, still out of sight in the kitchen. “I know that. But I meant that we didn’t have sex. Because that didn’t happen.”

She looked at him uncertainly. “What did happen last night?”

“You came home drunk. You asked about Kira. We talked.” He bit his lip and sighed. “We kissed in the kitchen. Kira got up for water and I put you to bed. That was it.”

“Why was I naked?”

“That was all you. You said that you were too hot for clothes.”

“Why didn’t you sleep on the couch?”

“I tried!” He gaped at her. “You said, and I quote, ‘you saw me give birth, Colt, I think we can share a bed.’“

She put her head in her hands, both to cover her blush and to try and quiet the pounding in her head. She was never drinking again.

“Hey.” He touched her arm. “Hey. It’s fine. You go back to bed. I’ll bring her to school.”

She let her hands fall, flashing him a grateful smile. He turned to go but her hand shot out to grab his forearm, skin soft underneath her fingertips. “Thank you.” She tried to ensure her tone conveyed some of the gravity she felt but it sounded more like a croak from a ruined throat.

However, as he gazed back at her, not removing his arm from her grasp, she thought he understood.

~~~~~

Before (when shit comes heavy heavy, storm’s right here, let it in) 

Cake? Check.

Decorations? Check.

People? Check. Obviously, Kira was here. Of course, she didn’t exactly have a choice and was currently sitting on her grandfather’s lap, throwing her hands in the air with a delighted squeal at every bounce of his knees. Riya and Darius were in the corner, pouring over the piles of presents, while Logan, Ximena, and Toby had already started diving into the pizza.

Everything was perfect for Kira’s third birthday and, as soon as Colt got home from work, they were going to have cake.

But he was scheduled to arrive over an hour ago and she hadn’t heard a word. She was just about to light the candles without him when her phone rang.

“Mona? Where are you?” Her brow furrowed. Not exactly who she had been anticipating calling her but...

“I have some bad news.”

Ellie felt her stomach drop. “What?”

“Colt got picked up. We think they’re gonna hold him without bail but we’re not sure until the arraignment.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m sorry, Ellie. He said to tell you that he’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Hold up. What?” 

Mona’s voice was uncertain as Ellie reached around, blindly, hand finally grasping a chair and sitting. “It’s gonna be ok. I promise. He’ll call tomorrow.”

Ellie blinked at the phone, staring dumbly until Riya walked into the kitchen. She was barely able to get the story out, shock and distress clouding her mind as Riya held her close and rubbed her back until the tears had dried and Ellie could fake it enough to stand and smile and not scream.

She was numb, completely numb, going through the motions, the candles, the cake, the smiles. She was lost, fear and anger and shame roiling in her stomach. 

And, the worst, the absolute worst of it was that, with every picture that was taken, she felt his absence stab her through the heart, knowing that they were documenting an empty space as they documented Kira’s third birthday. She couldn’t stand it and had to excuse herself so only the bathroom mirror would see her tears.

He did call the next day, when the presents had all been opened, when the cake had all been eaten, when the decorations had all been put away, and when the shock had faded and been replaced with blinding anger.

“Ellie. Baby.”

“I am going kill you.” She ducked into her bedroom, voice packing as much fury as she could into a whisper; regardless of how angry she was, she couldn’t wake Kira up.

“It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Don’t even, asshole.”

“Baby...” Colt sighed, pleading. “I’m so sorry but don’t worry, the charges won’t stick and I should be out soon and-”

“Don’t worry? Don’t worry?!?” She could feel the angry tears start to cloud her vision. She closed her eyes but could only see red. “You missed her birthday.”

She could hear noise behind him and a rustle, voice louder as he pulled the phone closer. “I know... Ellie....”

“Don’t ‘Ellie’ me. What the hell did you do?”

“It’s a really long story and I can’t really talk about it here.”

“For fuck’s sake, Colt! I can’t believe you!” She blinked furiously, trying to keep the tears from falling. “I thought we were done with this shit, I thought your family was more-”

“But Ellie-”

“Don’t ‘’but Ellie’ me!”

His sigh was heavy. “I’m sorry but I promise-”

“No, you listen to me! I can’t believe you! Listen to your stupid excuses and stupid promises. You know what? You’re exactly like your dad.”

The intake of his breath was sharp on the phone line. “Ellie-”

“You said you weren’t your dad and look at you now,” she spit venom out over the line. “What if you don’t get out?”

“I will.” His harsh whisper was certain. “I will, give it some time and-” 

“No.” The tears were burning on her cheeks. “I’m not going to be waiting here for you. I’m done.”

His voice was pained. “You don’t mean th-”

“I’m done, Colt. Done. I can’t have my daughter around this. I can’t be around this.” She sunk onto the bed, weak legs no longer able to hold her up. “Don’t contact me. Really. Don’t call. Don’t write. If you ever get out, then maybe you can see your daughter. Until then, goodbye.”

“Ellie, wai-”

The silence on the line finally and completely broke her heart. She allowed herself five minutes, five minutes of hysterical, cathartic tears, then trudged back into the kitchen to make lunches for tomorrow. 

Colt or no Colt, she had shit to take care of.

~~~~~

Now (things are getting better so keep it steady steady...)

The birthday party was in full swing, Kira laughing and spinning in her princess gown, clad in a giant party hat with a bright pink five right in the center, when Ellie ducked into the kitchen to find Colt hunched over the counter. His body was angled just so she couldn’t see what he was looking at. Suspicious.

“What are you-?” She peered over, just enough to see the plate in front of him. “Are you sneaking cookies?”

He turned, eyes crinkling with mirth, boyish smile gracing his face. He looked young, innocent, presiding over his hoard with a smudge of chocolate on his top lip. “Shhh....she’s gonna hear you!”

“Thief! You goddamn thief! Give me one!” She stepped closer, hand out.

“No way! These are mine!” His eyes sparkled and, at moments like these, Ellie had to remind herself that they were over, that they weren’t together, that it was a distant history, her distant past.

“I’m so gonna tell Kira you broke into her stash.”

“My stash now.” 

“Just give me-” She reached over, trying to get at the cookies around him, and he started batting her away laughing.

“No, you’re gonna ruin it!”

“Not if you share!” She hip checked him, trying to move him, but he only pushed her back, each of them fighting for space in front of the heaping plate. Finally, Ellie managed to edge in between him and the counter, snatching a cookie, spinning triumphantly. “Got one!” The words died in her mouth as she realized how close they were, his hips pressing hers into the counter, lips inches from hers, the smear of chocolate on his upper lip tempting her, sweeter than any cookie she’d ever seen.

A soft thud caught her attention and she looked down, realizing the cookie had fallen out of her hand. She swallowed and looked back at him. “Colt?” He wasn’t blinking, eyes trained on her lips and his hands curling around her waist. Her heart jumped into her throat.

“Daddy!” Colt jumped back as if stung as Kira flounced into the room. “Are we gonna have cake?”

Ellie blinked at where Colt was still staring at her, eyes wide; apparently, she was going to need to recover her voice first. “Yeah, in a minute.”

“Ok! Yay! I love cake!” Kira answered as only a sugar-high five year-old could and danced off.

“I’m gonna-” Ellie licked her lips and gestured to the food behind her. “I’m gonna get-”

The rest of the sentence was lost in Colt’s mouth as he surged forward and pressed her against the counter. She responded eagerly, throwing her arms around his neck, licking the chocolate off his lip and then pushing her tongue to meet his and chase the rest of the sweetness. He moaned low in his throat, hands grabbing her hips and sliding against her back, shots of electricity that went straight down her spine. She kissed him like she was drowning, like she had been drowning for years and the breath she pulled from his lungs was what she needed to revive her, to awaken her nerves and the shivers down her back and the tingle even lower.

She had just slid her fingers into his belt loops, yanking him closer, grasping at every inch of skin she could reach, when footsteps registered at the edge of consciousness. It was impossible to pay attention to anything else, however, when Colt’s teeth made their way to her lip, a teasing bite that made her jerk her hips. 

But she was forced to look up when the door to the kitchen flew open with a crash and Colt jumped backwards, both of them gasping for breath.

“Holy shit.” Riya hissed, shock on her face fading into a knowing grin that Ellie despised. “I’m just gonna...” She put the dirty dishes on the counter and covered her eyes. “Carry on. I’m just gonna go back out and you guys can continue whatever it was that you were doing.” 

Ellie glared daggers at her back. When she turned to Colt, the moment had faded; he was looking at the ground, one hand rubbing the back of his neck, the other gesturing towards the door. “I’m gonna-”

She nodded, busying herself by fixing up the desserts. They said history repeated itself so you had to learn from it, but she wasn’t sure she understood this lesson. 

At least this time, she was sober.

~~~~~

Before (when things got worse, went from bad to worse, went from bad to worst...)

Ellie frowned, putting the phone down with a sigh. 

She should have known she wasn’t ready to jump into anything again, the breakup with Colt so fresh, so raw, but Logan was Logan. He was kind and caring and so undoubtedly attractive that she let herself believe that they could more from friendship to more without stopping to think. To think about what she wanted, to think about her broken heart and worried mind and her ruined life.

She had just been so lonely. And alone. And sad, as sad as she had ever been. And scared, terrified really, of being a single mother and having no one else to rely on, other than herself. She knew first-hand how cruel this world could be; could she and Akira really survive as a dyad, a pair, fighting through the storms together? She wasn’t sure.

But when her world turned upside down, Logan had been the person she could rely on. Ximena was around, often, but Ellie suspected that it was because Colt requested it, had asked her to check in and care for his family when he couldn’t. And, to his credit, he hadn’t called her, had respected her angry words, words that she sometimes thought she would take back if given the chance, if he had called. She wondered what they would say, if he would apologize and explain, if she would apologize and take back her rage. Those thoughts remained unspoken, though. He didn’t call. She didn’t visit. And she was alone.

But not always alone. Logan had been there, for the mundane, such as pickups from school or last minute grocery trips, and the less mundane, such as calming her tears when the stress and worry became too much. 

But jumping into a relationship? It was too much, too soon. She couldn’t...she just couldn’t... She sunk into a chair and put her hands over her face. He had even been so understanding about it all, vowing that they would stay friends, vowing that this wouldn’t ruin their ten year friendship. Regardless of what else they had going on, he had her back.

Her ruminating was interrupted by a knock at the door, three sharp raps that made her pause. She wasn’t expecting anyone and tiptoed over, peering through the peephole and gasping. 

The last person she expected to see on her doorstep was standing there, repetitively cracking his knuckles and rocking back on his heels, frown on his face. She threw open the door. 

He straightened and looked down at her; any nervousness she saw through the peephole was gone now as he stared in barely contained fury. “Hello, Ellie.”

“Hi, Colt.” She took a minute to drink him in; he was glaring at her, arms stiff at his side and hands balled into fists. She hadn’t seen him in four months and couldn’t stop her eyes from assessing him, looking him over under the dim streetlight above them to see how he changed. He looked harder, muscles in his chest more defined, tilt of his shoulders more aggressive, but it was him, alive and free.

“Can I come in?”

She dumbly nodded and stood aside so he could walk in, stooping to untie his boots and leave them in the entryway before stepping inside. She felt unmoored, lost. “When did you get out of jail?”

“Last week. They dropped all charges. Just like I said.”

She swallowed. His words were dripping with poison; while they had their share of fights, he had never spoken to her this coldly. He had never scared her; for all his criminal activity and illegal transgressions, he had also been tender hands and declarations of love with her. While she wasn’t scared of him now, she suddenly knew what it was like to be in front of Kaneko, instead of her Colt.

“You waited a week to come-”

“I’m here now. I wanted to talk to you about Kira.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay.” She wondered if he would let her apologize for her words or if it would be pointless, just like the last four months had been: pointless and long and unforgiving.

“We need to come up with a schedule so I can see my daughter.” He reached into his pocket to pull out a folded piece of paper and hand it to her. “Here’s what I recommend. It’s an alternating schedule; one week, I’l get her Monday-Wednesday-Friday. Then you have the following weekend and we switch.” His tone was short, business-like, serious.

She looked down at his careful writing on the paper. “Okaaay.” Her brain wasn’t keeping up. Apparently, she wasn’t going to get an apology either; maybe it was for the best. “This is fine. I guess. I mean...” She bit her lip, trying and failing to think.

“This is just a starting point. Modifications are fine based on schedule.” He hadn’t taken his coat off, hands shoved in his pockets.

“Then, yeah. Yeah, this is fine.”

“Good.”

“I missed you.” The words came out before she could reconsider.

His eyes narrowed, darkening dangerously. “I’d like to see my daughter, please.”

“She’s...” Ellie had to suck in a breath, blinking to try and keep the tears from her eyes. This is not exactly how she imagined the reunion. Thank goodness he hadn’t arrived any earlier, to catch her stilted conversation with Logan. “She’s asleep.”

“I just want to see her.”

“Ok.” Ellie sighed. “Fine.”

He nodded brusquely and walked past her towards Kira’s room, opening the door as softly as possible. She followed, slowly, feet padding behind as she stopped in the hall. Ellie wondered if jail had hardened him, if the tight jaw and narrowed eyes were an artifact of being inside for so long. 

However, as she peered through her daughters doorway and saw him sit carefully on the side of Kira’s tiny mattress, tears pooling in his eyes, gentle hand caressing her face with inexplicable softness, she wondered if it was she, herself, was the hardening force. 

 ~~~~~

And now (for the end of the end and the beginning of the beginning...)

“We should stop.” Her hands fisted into his t-shirt, pulling him closer so her hands could greedily start working on the button of his jeans. She had only come to pick up Kira, to take her home for dinner and bath and story and bed and another night of being alone. She had not come here to be pressed against the filing cabinet in Colt’s office, his lips sliding against hers and strong arms holding her hips steady.

His lips edged to her ear and he hissed as her hands found her target. “You’re kinda giving me mixed signals here.” 

She also hadn’t come here to see Sam, the young coffee shop girl with bright lipstick and rapid prattle, playing checkers with Kira on the concrete floor of the shop while Colt was in his office. It made something ugly burn in her stomach, ugly and nasty and painful; in the back of her mind, she realized that she understood what it was like to be replaced and how deep that hurt went. “We should stop, we’re in your office, Colt.”

“I’m well aware.” His hips bucked as she gave him a slow stroke, just how he liked. Some things were impossible to forget.

“And Kira’s outside.”

“Yeah, she’s fine.” The noise was huffed against her neck as warm hands slid up her back. 

She blinked. Kira was outside with the coffee shop girl and Ellie was in here, with her ex and her broken heart and her broken family that had never really been fixed.

“Stop.” He froze instantly at the word and her dead voice, his hands stopping their path up her sides. “We can’t do this.”

"Ok.” He took a few steps back, breathing hard. He looked debauched, standing in front of her, hair mussed, shirt wrinkled, cheeks and lips flushed a bright pink that continued down and disappeared into his shirt. 

“Listen, El-” He quickly fixed up his pants, taking a deep breath and another step back. “Ellie. I-” He rubbed his hand over his face. “This isn’t-”

His struggle for words was interrupted by a scream, piercing in the shop, and then a crash that trailed off into silence. Colt caught her eye for a split-second, fear clouding his gaze, before cursing. “Fuck, Akira!” He threw open the door to the office and sprinted into the shop, Ellie hot on his heels. 

And what she saw made her heart leap into her throat. 

Kira was on the ground, a crumpled heap, next to a cabinet of tools that lay on its side. Its drawers were askew, wrenches and screws and metal scattered around where her child lay, eerily still for a child who never stopped moving. Colt made it there first, turning her over as Ellie’s hand flew to her mouth. Kira’s eyes were closed, eyebrows and lashes stark against her pale skin, below a patch of blood that was steadily getting worse. 

“Kira? Hey, Kira?” He was under her now, sitting, crouched down, careful hands combing back her hair to get a better look. Her arm was splayed out at an odd angle, cradled in her dad’s lap, and Ellie thought she was gonna throw up.

Colt reached into his pocket, trying not to jostle the still bundle on his lap, and tossed his phone to Ellie. “Call an ambulance. Now.”

She nodded, shaky, fingers typing in the eight numeric digits without thinking, unlocking the phone with trembling hands as she sank to the floor so she wouldn’t drop the phone. Even sitting on the concrete, her knees were knocking against each other and she felt so cold, watching Colt pull their daughter to him; she dialed the number.

Sam came running down the stairs, dark hair flying behind her. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you get me the first aid kit?”

“911, what is your emergency?”

“I-”

“Where’s the first aid kit?”

“Break room.” 

“911. Hello? Ma’am?”

“I-” 

“Hurry!”

“Ok, I’ll get it.” Sam’s footsteps disappearing into the break room brought her back into the moment. She had taken down corrupt cops and stolen multi-million dollar vehicles. She could call an ambulance.

“Yes, I’m here. I need an ambulance to Gramercy Park. My daughter is hurt...” She looked at the wreckage around her as she gave the dispatcher the information, her daughter cradled in Colt’s arms, shouts from the back as Toby and Ximena came running out. She sat and trembled like a leaf in a tornado, desperate to hold onto something for dear life.

She shook the entire way, as she watched the red lights flash throughout the street, the entire ambulance ride, clutching Colt’s hand until her knuckles were white and sore. Kira had woken up during the trip, eyes confused and frightened watching the strange equipment and paramedics bustling over her, crying when she told them that she only wanted to climb up the toolbox-she was so so sorry and she would never do it again and it hurt. Ellie shook and trembled and fretted as she watched the stretcher go down the hall, off to some scan with some machine that would tell them if something was seriously wrong, shook the whole way to the waiting room as they checked her baby out and she and Colt had to wait interminably as the local news blared on the television chained to the wall and she paced and paced and paced.

“Ellie, she's going to be okay.”

Ellie wringed her hands together. “I know, I know. I'm just...I can’t believe...”

“Yeah.” He plopped into a chair, long legs splayed in front of him.

She glared at him, flash of anger coming on the heels of the terror. “I thought your girlfriend was watching her.”

“Who?”

“Sam?”

“Who the hell’s Sam?”

Ellie blinked at him. It was like they were inhabiting completely separate worlds. But maybe they had been for the last two years. “The girl in the shop? Who was playing with Kira?”

“Wait, the receptionist?”

Ellie froze in mid-flail, hand returning to her side. “Who?”

“Toby’s cousin? Who works the front desk?” Colt stared her down. “Jesus, Ellie, that’s who you’ve been talking about? For Christ’s sake, she’s 18. And she works for me!”

“Toby’s cousin?”

“She needed a job. I needed someone to sit at the front desk and play solitaire and not blow shit up. It worked.”

She sank into the chair next to him, legs giving out. She was entirely drained, her body, her mind, everything; she put her elbows on her knees to cradle her head in her hands, boneless and tired. “Colt, how did we end up here?”

“Uhh, how did we end up at the hospital?” He watched her, warily. “El, did you hit your head too?”

“No. How did we end up here?”

He watched her, eyebrow raised, waiting to see if she would elaborate. When she didn’t, he sighed and crossed his hands over his chest. “You mean, the fact that you dumped me when I was locked up?”

“Colt, I was furious. And rightfully so.”

“I know. You were right to be pissed. Hell, you were right to kick me out.” He raked his hands through his hair.

“I was furious and then I stopped being mad. And started being sad.” She looked at her hands, trying to choose her words carefully. “And it was like you didn’t care. When you got out, you waited a week to see us and you hated me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true, it is, and our family fell apart.”

“I never hated you.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” She had to lower her voice; even though they were the only ones in the room, she didn’t want anyone walking by to hear the sobs of her broken heart. “You were so cold and so mean and you hated me, despised me. For months. I’m sorry that I was so mad but-”

“Stop it.” He turned to her, eyes fiery underneath the down-turned brow. “I never hated you. But you-”

“But I what, Colt? What the hell did I do?”

He looked forward again, staring at the television. “I came to see you, you know. The night I got out of jail. I came by the house.” He bit his lip, still avoiding her eyes. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“No, you didn't. I would have remembered that.”

“I did.” His arms were crossed and he looked past her, over her shoulder. “You weren't alone.”

“Of course I wasn't alone. I had Kira all the time.”

“No. That's not what I mean. You weren't alone.”

The realization was immediate. “Logan.”

He nodded and looked away, jaw set.

“Colt.... Colt.” Her eyes started to fill up with tears. “It wasn't like that. I was scared. I was scared and sad and alone and I thought you were gone. I thought you were gone and I thought I was a single mom and I really needed somebody. And you weren't there.”

He shrugged. His eyes were glassy, too. “Well, it didn't take you long to move on, did it now?”

“It wasn't like that.”

“Wasn’t it?”

They just stared at each other, the years and pain and heartbreak filling the space between them. Finally, Colt’s eyes dropped to the ground, to look at the magazine rack behind her, to look anywhere and everywhere but her.

She wiped a tear from her cheek. “What were you going to say?”

“What?”

“What were you going to say, the first time you came by?”

“Ellie, what the hell do you think I was going to say?” His voice shook slightly. “I wanted my family back. I wanted to move home. I wanted you.”

She sucked in a shuddery breath, tears coming faster now. “I would have said yes. Colt, I would have... I would have said yes.” She bit her lip, watching him take in her confession, saying nothing. The television continued to blare in the background, now the theme song of some game show. 

He opened his mouth. And reconsidered, thinking, before turning to her, serious look on his face. “Ellie, what if-”

“Excuse me.” They both turned, Colt leaping to his feet, as a nurse walked in. “You can come back now. The CT’s done.”

They arrived at her room to see the doctor hovering over her, Kira’s eyes open but blinking slowly. She looked drawn, exhausted. Ellie raced to her bedside, taking the tiny hand not encased in gauze and clutching it as tightly as she could.

“I’m ok, mom. I’m ok.” Kira was pale, propped up on pillows, bandage almost comically large for her small head.

“She really is ok. The good news is that it’s just a concussion. Scan revealed nothing abnormal so she should be fine, but she should stay here for observation tonight and then we can put her cast on tomorrow.” 

“They said I was tough and gave me a sticker.” Kira proudly showed off the unicorn on her shirt.

“You are tough, kid.” The doctor smiled kindly at her, and then turned to Ellie and Colt. “Would either of you like to spend the night as well?”

“I’m staying.” They both spoke in unison; Ellie shot a surprised glance over but Colt’s jaw was set, certain.

The doctor continued undaunted while scrawling on her clipboard. “I mean, you can both stay, it’s just a tiny room and the cots that we have are pretty small for two people.”

Ellie blinked as Colt answered for the both of them. “That’s fine.”

Ellie considered disagreeing but held her tongue. She almost spoke up when Kira slipped into a blissful sleep, painkillers and exhaustion taking hold. She almost spoke up again when the nurses gave her some scrubs to wear, pale blue and threadbare, but soft against her skin. She absolutely had to speak up when she saw the actual size of the cot.

“We’re not sleeping together on that.” It was made for one person, half the size of her bed at home, the bed that was hers alone and had been hers alone for years.

Colt dropped onto the mattress, frame squeaking as his long legs stretched. “What do you mean? I’ve seen you give birth, I think we can share a bed.”

She whacked him over the head, sitting down next to him with a huff.

“What, I can’t use your own words against you?”

“You’re incorrigible.” She looked down uncertainly. “I don’t think this will hold us both.”

He rested his hands under his head. Even though they had turned off the lights so Kira could sleep, monitors cast a eerie glow about the room. “It’ll be fine. And if it breaks and you get hurt, we’re already in the hospital.”

She rolled her eyes and stretched out, turning away from him but still acutely aware of his body, right behind her, warm and comforting and familiar. She shifted, trying to get comfortable in the tiny space, no room to move between Colt and the wall, hospital beeping and din doing battle with her tired mind. She was almost comfortable when Colt spoke. 

“What would you say now?” 

“Say now about what?” She turned to see him, profile visible in the dark as he stared up at the ceiling. “Huh?”

“If I told you I wanted to come home. In the waiting room...” He rubbed his palm over his lips. “In the waiting room, you said you would have said yes when I got outta jail. What would you say now? If I asked?”

Her stomach dropped. “Colt...” She sat up, elbow propped so she could study his face, the tears forming in his eyes. “Colt...do you want to come home?”

“More than anything.” He turned so he could face her fully. “Ellie, more than anything. I’m done with-”

The rest of the words were meaningless, mumbled and garbled as she leaned forward to press her lips to his. He pulled her closer, desperate, needy, hands flying over every inch of her as if to reassure himself that she was real.

His voice was hoarse when he pulled back. “You know how important family is to me. You know I don’t want to be my dad, you know this.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry I fucked it up.” She could see the remorse painted on his face, remorse and pain and maybe a little hope too. 

“I know.” She laid down on the cot, dropping her head on his chest, weary exhaustion seeping into her bones. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, El.” He kissed her forehead. “I missed you and Kira and my family. Every day. This is what’s important to me.”

Her eyes were blinking slower now, hospital noise fading from her mind.

She almost didn't hear his whispered ‘I love you, El’ as she sank into darkness.

~~~~~~

Ellie was still in the place between sleep and waking, where everything was warm and quiet and still, mind and body just floating in space, when a familiar arm curved over her, sliding just under her breasts to settle by her rib cage. Her eyes shot open as the body behind her leaned close to nuzzle the curve of her neck, breath warm on her skin, and she heard the sleepy sigh that had once been so familiar, as familiar as her own name.

No one else held her like this. And she knew, in her hearts of hearts, that no one else would ever hold her like this again.

She spun around and Colt’s eyes blinked open unsteadily. “Colt?”

“Wha-?”

“I didn’t-” Her brain was fuzz, eyes unsteady as she took in the sterile walls, unfamiliar medical supplies. “Did I dream this?

His hand was still around her, now drawing patterns at the small of her back. “Dream what?”

“Are we back together?”

“Yeah, well, that was the good part of the night. Kira also got a concussion and needs a cast on her arm.”

"And that was the nightmare part of the evening.” She blinked, her recollection of the day slowing coming into focus behind her eyelids

He pulled her closer on the tiny bed. “But concussions heal. Bones heal. She’s gonna be ok.”

“Do families heal?” Her breath caught in her throat. “Are we gonna be ok?”

He was silent, through thirteen low beeps of a monitor while Ellie held her breath. Finally, he shook his head. “Not just ok. I think we’re gonna be great.”

She settled against his chest and sighed, his heartbeat matching the droning beeps above them, matching her own heartbeat in her ear. It was a weird place to find happiness but she thought that maybe, hopefully, finally, she had her family back.

~~~~~

Two years later...because the beginning of the beginning segues into the middle too...

Ellie was distracted, lost in her own head and her own circling thoughts, anxious fingers keeping busy by cleaning the kitchen counter, but even she couldn’t ignore Kira’s screech.

“Wait wait wait! I want my unicorn cup.” 

“Which unicorn cup?” Colt shook his head as he walked in, their daughter bouncing behind him.

“My favorite unicorn cup....duh, dad.”

Ellie laughed as Colt stretched high to grab the requested cup, the same cup that Kira hadn’t taken a sip from in over a year. The grin her seven year-old gave was blinding as she filled it with water and flounced away.

“Duh, dad,” Ellie echoed, knocking into his shoulder with a smile, appreciative of some distraction to get her mind of the treadmill of thoughts she had been on for the last few days.

“She sounds like a teenager.” 

“What if I wanted the unicorn cup, Colt?”

“We have seven unicorn cups, take your pick.” He groaned. “I’m gonna get her into motorcycles. We could start a motorcycle cup collection."

“Hmmm....or have a boy....” Ellie mused out loud.

When she realized what she said, her heart stopped, mouth falling open, She tried and failed to cover it up with a cough, her mind inadvertently flashing to the shopping bag hidden in a pile of clothes on the floor of her closet, the bag she hadn’t get had a chance to open, waiting for a moment alone when the house was quiet and still and she would have the appropriate solace for a life-changing moment. 

But of course, Colt noticed everything.

“Ellie?”

She said nothing, couldn’t get the words to come.

“Ellie? Is there something you’re not....” She watched his eyes widen and trail down to her stomach. He stepped closer, lips quirking into a brilliant smile. “Ellie?”

“I don’t know for sure! I wasn’t going to say anything until I was sure.”

“Oh my God, you’re pregnant.”

“I’m not sure but...” He swept her into a hug, lips finding hers; she was giggling and kissing and seriously, deliriously happy. “I think I’m pregnant.”

“It’s a boy.”

“How are you so sure? I don’t even know if I’m really-”

“I know.” He smirked, leaning in to trail his lips up her jaw. “I know everything.”

“Really.”

“I know you’re pregnant.” Soft hands pulled her against him.

“Ok.”

“I know it’s a boy.” Soft lips traced the underside of her chin.

“Ok....”

“And I know you’re gonna marry me.”

She leaned away to look into his eyes, heart stopping. “You haven’t asked.” Her mind flashed to before, years ago, a distant memory of finding a ring by his bedside when she thought she was as happy as she could ever be.

He winked at her, cocky and sure. “I know. But you’re gonna.” Suddenly, she felt even younger, 18 again, watching a boy with a motorcycle take on the world. But this time, she was by his side.

“That’s not a proposal.”

He shrugged, stepping back and moving to follow Kira out of the room. “I know.”

“Wait.” She turned, unable to stop the grin from spreading over her face. “Just wait a second.”

“You’ll see. I know everything.” And with that, he was gone, out of the room, leaving behind more questions than answers.

She stood, frozen on the spot, staring at the space he just vacated, grin spreading over her face until she thought her cheeks would split in two. 

She thought it was a lie that broken bones healed stronger.

But maybe families did.

And maybe right now was actually as happy as she had ever been.

Tags: @choicesseptemberchallenge  

Perma @leelee10898 @emichelle @client-327

ROD @omgjasminesimone @mskaneko

Colt

@deimosensblog @alegria1580  @choicesarehard @thefarrari @moonlit-girl-wonder @going-down-downtown@soniadotalves@jolietmaraud @choicesgremlin @flowerpowell@poeticscolt @brightpinkpeppercorn @zaira-oh-zaira @umiumichan @akrenich @sibella-plays-choices  @maxwellsquidsuit  @liamzigmichael4ever @octobereighth @i-only-signed-up-for-fanfiction

[darnellbebop]

Decided I’d write up the story of my experience with that catfish. Don’t know if anyone cares but it’s under the cut if you do:

So back in November a friend mentioned meeting someone on Facebook Dating. My first thought was “That’s kind of dumb” but then I figured since your profile for that is linked directly to your Facebook, I wouldn’t see as many spam profiles and I may have also took the possibility of catfish into mind. Not sure. But if I did, talk about ironic. Within the first couple days I matched a pretty girl and messaged her about Hogwarts houses since Harry Potter was on her profile.We hit it off pretty well and exchanged numbers and things seemed to be going well. She worked two jobs (Lush and PF Chang’s at a couple different malls in the area). She even mentioned that she’d seen me before at my job a couple months prior. A lot of very realistic shit. Nothing to be suspicious of.

Since she worked two jobs, she worked pretty much 7 days a week. We planned dates a couple times and she always ended up backing out for one reason or another. There were also a couple times we got into disagreements where she would refuse to talk to me for a day and basically have me beg for forgiveness when she decided to “give me another chance”. (That’s a toxic trait even in a real relationship; especially since she expected me to always talk to her even though she could decide “I’m not talking to you because I’m mad”). 

Anyway, about a month or so in, we still hadn’t met up and she asked about sexting so we gave that a go around Thanksgiving. This is when I first got suspicious. We had sexted one night and then the following morning and in the morning I was alarmed to notice that the video taken in the morning was in a different room than the stuff she had sent the previous night. They were both bedrooms. And they both neck down only so I immediately thought “These are not the same person” and said I wasn’t comfortable sexting anymore. This got her mad and she wouldn’t talk to me. During this time I tried digging up proof that the girl was real. Googled her name, her phone number, checked her Facebook and IG. Honestly I came across so much proof that I should have cut her out at this point but I didn’t:

All of her Instagram pics only have comments from guys. No comments from other girls. Kind of weird that none of her friends ever decided to go “Yes girl!!!” on any of her selfies. And on the couple where she was with a friend, she didn’t have them tagged. Additionally, the only photos she was tagged in were from an account belonging to her “brother”. Her Facebook was similar. I forget what brought this up, but I came across a guy’s name who lived in the same town she gave me at some point during all my research and thought “Maybe he’s the catfish” (He definitely is). 

Now there were things that felt like “Well why is this a thing if she’s not real?” too. The biggest one was that on Facebook I came across a guy, a real person (he actually interacts with numerous people in his posts and seemed as real as possible) who claimed he had been dating her at one point. An ex boyfriend felt like proof to me. And then the amount of effort that went into this fake girl also felt insane (Facebook and Instagram accounts that were a few years old and a PSN account). 

When she answered me again she chewed me out for not trusting her. Completely flipped the script on the fact that I found her out and instead made me out to be the bad guy and had me thinking I was just being paranoid for nothing. This is what really makes me mad about the whole situation. Instead of ghosting or apologizing and letting me move on with my life, this dude doubled down on his lie and sunk his claws in deeper.

Since the holidays were coming up, both of our jobs were getting busier so it was understandable that we weren’t able to meet up. I think part of me was still suspicious at this point. When I got her Christmas presents, I got her things that I would still enjoy for myself that I didn’t own just in case she wasn’t real (thank you subconscious me). I get suspicious occasionally when I notice something not quite right but don’t want to be accused of “not trusting her” if I bring it up and do question if I’m maybe being paranoid. Maybe there’s a reasonable explanation.

Fastforward a bit to late February and she sends me a video compilation of some plays she made in Overwatch. After I watch it, I decide to check out the rest of her channel because that’s just something I naturally do after I watch a friend’s video. In the “About” section, a guy’s Instagram is linked. What guy? The one I came across months ago. That was the smoking gun so to be speak. Now maybe it’s possible she’s friends with this guy and just has him upload them to her channel or they share a channel. No reason to jump to conclusions like a paranoid crazy person (See how manipulative this asshole was?). 

By this point, the combination of us having never met up or even FaceTimed had me thinking even if she is real, this is taking forever to get started and I decided I would pursue other girls in the mean time and if nothing happened by the end of the month with her, I’d cut her loose. Then COVID happened and quarantine bought her time since there was an actual excuse for her to not meet up. Thankfully though, she also slowly drifted away from me during quarantine. She texted less and less. One day she finally addressed it and was like “Sorry, for being distant” and I said it was okay and that the boring quarantine routine was probably to blame. Though at the same time I was a bit relieved cuz her disappearing would be fine since I know she’s not real. 

One thing that also stood out to me that I feel like I should have caught on to as a sign was that a lot of her reaction images and pics she’d send me were Black Twitter memes. This was a white girl with an uncomfortable level of Black reaction images. The guy however, is Black. So it makes sense. Then a bit into me watching her play Overwatch one day, she asks me to add her “brother’s account” cuz she’s gonna play on that one instead of her own. Interesting, right? Looking back at it, the “brother” profile on PSN looks very similar to the guy’s IG profile.

I haven’t attempted to talk to her in over a week. Sent a meme. Didn’t get a reply. Didn’t try again. I’m fine with that. Plus when I checked the dude’s Twitter, I found one of his Youtube video links and watched it and the person playing is whoever’s on the PSN account belonging to “her brother”. AKA it’s his and he was just some manipulative asshole piece of shit who can go fuck himself. He’s probably moved on to someone else. Or multiple someone elses. Who knows. I did notice that both profiles have been using “Share Play” for Overwatch without me so I take it, those are sessions with my replacement. 

So yeah. That sucked. I wasted way too long on a piece of shit catfish. I know I did but I also sort of felt like I didn’t have other options at the time. It wasn’t until I actively started looking that I realized, I have other options and don’t need to put up with a catfish or a girl that plays so many games. Also gonna trust my gut unless I’m given solid proof that it’s wrong cuz my gut was right.

[eye-raq]

Open your mouth Princess.

Erik Stevens Request Fic.

Warnings: SMUT, Soft boi Erik, extra ass Erik, a little funny and it’s for my girl @littlesunflwrr

Summary: Kristina kept posting pictures of herself with her tongue out on social media, different dudes commenting saying how much they would LOVE to put something on it, getting Erik real mad. like, BIG MAD.

“Kristina, Kristina, Kristina.”

She was testing him. Just because she was a fine ass bitch; looks that could kill, doesn’t mean that she could sit up here and post pics with her tongue out. (“You just love poking that fucking tongue out girl.”)She had her tongue out while laying in bed, cleavage all out, she had her tongue out while that ass was arched over the bathroom sink in the mirror, she was a damn tease. (“Let me go teach this girl a lesson real quick, damn.”) Erik slipped on his blue and black Jordan 1’s, black hoodie up, and black shorts to match. He was gonna pay this girl a visit tonight.

*knock knock* Kristina was cuddled up in her plush bean bag, poetic justice playing on her tv. She had her hair up in a bun, little pink panties on and a cropped distressed T-shirt. She slipped on her slippers, walking to her front door to look through the peep hole. She eyed him, leaning back against the wall, eyes trained on that very peep hole, curiosity rising. Usually Erik would let her know when he was stopping by, but from the look of him, he seemed rather irritated about something. She unhooked the latch, opening the door swiftly, “hey baby, what’s wrong? You usually call me first or text.”

He didn’t say a word, just brushed pass her, finally in her apartment, kicking off his shoes, “so you think I’m playing huh?” Kristina closed and locked the door, arms folded and genuine confusion on her face, “what you mean? You walking up in here all salty like your day was fucked up. No hi, no nothing.” Erik pulled out his phone, pulling up IG quick, showing her, “what you mean? What the fuck is this? You been at home all day thirst trapping Krissy.” Kristina stared at the photo on her IG, body in a tiny baby tank top with no bra, little shorts on with her tongue out in the mirror. She honestly didn’t see a problem with it, smirking at Erik, “okay? I took that today...I was bored, that’s what happens when your home on a rainy fucking day. what’s the problem Erik?” He huffed, nostrils flared flipping to another one, showing her. He had his eyebrows raised in bewilderment, his lips set in a hard line.

This one, she had on a tight black bodycon dress, cute strappy Sandals on, her hair in feed ins with her tongue out again, but the caption said, “tongue action: mood right now 😈” she raised an eyebrow at the pick, face scrunching. Clearly he was being extra. I mean, she was a bad bitch, it’s not like she was out here getting dicked down by some other dude, as soon as she got with Erik about 8 months ago, she been throwing that pussy back and doing tricks for HIS DICK and only HIS DICK so why he tripping? “Baby... ha, you tripping right now. I can’t believe you came all the way out here to come at me about some pictures.”

Erik raised an eyebrow at her, eyes dark “oh so this ain’t nothing to you? I don’t need to be on my girls page, seeing thirst comments from bitch ass niggas talking bout, “what that mouth do?” And, “Damn Kristina I miss you” and “mmm you must like things in your mouth don’t you?” He was big mad and jealous acting, rubbing her the wrong way. She was irritated now, “forreal? Baby, it’s not even like that. Chill okay? Niggas gon be niggas, that’s how I met you right? DM me and everything so what’s the problem? I’m sucking your dick that’s it. You doing too much.” She went to turn up the TV, her favorite part on, “Look this our movie sit with me and chill. Looking like a cute angry red nose pit bull.”

“Krissy, forreal girl I’m gonna have to tame that tongue since you like flicking it and poking it out and running it across your lips.” He went to pull his hoodie off, huffing from the tag getting caught in his dreads, here comes aggy Erik she thought, folding her legs on the coffee table. “You wanna start with that irky shit now? Okay-“ she paused the movie folding her arms, “so what you gonna teach me this time?” Erik kneeled down in front of her, his fingers interlocked, “OPEN YOUR MOUTH KRISTINA.” She sat still, rolling her grey eyes before opening her mouth, pink tongue sticking all the way out, “Like tha?” Her voice was muffled from the positon. Erik gripped her chin, his face looming over hers, opening his mouth letting spit trail from tongue all the way on hers. She kept her eye on him, not knowing whether to close her mouth or to keep it open. “Here’s what I want you to do since I’m being so aggy today. I want you to go on ig live, and I want you to show these niggas that you mines, and only mines.”

She gripped his wrist to remove his hand from her chin, “Nigga what? I’m not gonna let my friends watch you do what ever you want to me oh nah-“ a chime came from her phone, Erik quickly grabbing it before she could. To make things WORSE it was this guy named Jamar who was famous for being in her DMs, sending her a video of him stroking his dick. This had to be the second vid, cuz t was another one from earlier that day that she viewed. Kristina sat very still, her eyes looking anywhere but at him. “Kristina, Kristina. Now I know, you didn’t view this shit from a little dick thirsty ass bitch? I just KNOW you didn’t do that baby.” He shook his head in shame, “and this the second one too, hmm.” She saw him tap her screen, before tossing her the phone, “get comfy, and go on live Krissy, NOW I’m not even playing.” He slammed his fist into the palm of his hand, “forreal do it, I’m disciplining you.”

She huffs, starting her live with the phone set up on the arm of the couch. She’s blinking into the camera, watching as Erik’s profile comes into view, kneeling down in front of her. He watched as nothing but dudes commented, one after the other.

Damn Kristina

I wanna fuck You

Where is your tongue at? That shit be all shiny and pink 👅

Hey girl!!! Long time no talk

We were gonna hit up a strip club wanna role?

fine ass Satan boyfriend is that you?!!

Kristina you got a whole man?

That nigga ugly-

“You got a huge fan base girl, but little do they know.” Erik got into Kristina’s personal space, his full lips brushing against hers before crashing roughly, his hands stroking her face, eyes all open and on her. Kristina followed him, her eyes moving from him to her phone screen. Erik punched Kristina’s lips together, her mouth opening, “OPEN YOUR MOUTH.” She hesitated, Erik’s eyes growing harder. “Girl, if you just listen to me, then this will be over quick okay?” Kristina squinted her eyes, opening her mouth watching as Erik spit on her tongue. A heat rose over her skin, but not good heat, embarrassing heat. “SWALLOW MY DNA.” She did, but very slow. Her eyes pleading that he cut this shit out. She looked at her screen again scanning the texts.

WTF KIND OF SHIT

Woah. That was hot

Man, get this late ass nigga out of here.

So what you tryna prove you got a man?

Girl he giving you spit I can give you this nut-

“Let me inform some of y’all dumb founded niggas, this is MINE. That tongue-“ he stuck his tongue out, running his fingers over it before rubbing it on hers, “that shit is mines. She got my print on that tongue, and for the record THIS NUT and THAT MOUTH is home sweet home.” He turned to Kristina, chuckling “you agree don’t you princess? How does my DNA taste?” She stared him down hard, his thumb stroking her hand, “It tastes good Er-“ he raised a calculating eyebrow, “DADDY.” He smiled broadly, pulling her in for a sloppy kiss, eyes turning to the screen to end the live.

As soon as it was done, Kristina shoved him, Erik laughing hysterically. “You know what, for that extra ass stunt you just pulled, I want some dick.” Erik snorted, “you don’t deserve this dick.” Kristina pulled her panties down, lifting her shirt over her head, “how about now?” Erik tried hard not to look at her, his eyes trained on the screen, “Janet was FINE as hell-“ she stood in front of him, her pussy in his face. Erik bit down on his lower lip, body jerking from a forced laugh that fought to escape his mouth. She gripped his dreads, causing him to wince, his eyes finally landing on her phat kitty, heart pumping. “I know that look from anywhere, you can’t turn down some good pussy. Why don’t you get on your knees and taste my DNA now, your extra ass.” Erik gripped her ass, smacking roughly then pinching, “you got five seconds to get to the room, 5-“ She darted, happy her bed was in close proximity, flopping down with her back arched. Erik stood in the door way, arms folded over his broad chest, “look at your eager ass.” He tiptoed over, kneeling on the bed, stroking her wetness, “You lucky I’m pussy starved.” Erik kissed her clit, his body bending to get a good angle, fingers parting her pussy. He licked at it multiple times, before sucking it slow, knowing how sensitive she is there.

“Fuck, just like that.” He slurped her up, smacking her ass before placing his heavy palm on her. She arched more, her legs shuttering as he stuck his tongue in her, feeling it wiggle around like a snake. She moaned out low into her pillow, her legs spreading as he ate her. “You like that shit don’t you Daddy, got you quiet now.” He slapped her hard on the ass, “And? I’m eating right now shut up.” She laughed, that laugh turning into a moan as he sucked her clit while his tongue strokes her inner folds. She was so sensitive, her stomach tightening already, “mhmm, I’m cumming-“ she slapped at the bed as she came on his tongue, her breath coming out slow. He lifted, taking off his shorts, watching her move, “Did I tell you to move?” She paused, feeling him come up behind her again, his mouth back to its assault on her pussy, sucking quick and rough. She went to grip him but he caught her hand, stopping her as he sucked her dry. “I got you where I want you girl, this is it for you.” She whimpered, her cum coating him again, but he wanted one more, “Krissy I know that’s not it where’s the rest at girl?” He slurped from her entrance to her clit, over and over, taking pride in the way her body shook. She screamed, her cum coming out heavy. “By the way, you taste good.”

Erik stroked his dick, “let me pick you up I wanna see how your face look while I’m torturing that pussy.” He didn’t even wait for an answer, picking her little body up and gripping her right over him, his dick rubbing against her. She bit down on her lip, taking in his big puppy dog eyes and red nose. “You want this dick baby, you gotta beg for it.” She touched foreheads with him, “please my extra ass Daddy, fuck me.” At this point she wanted some dick bad and he kept playing. “Okay my thirst trapping as wifey.” He entered her slow, eyes taking in every expression she made, “I could never get tired of this dick.” He chuckled, “You better not.” He gripped her hips, walking while he fucked her, his little princess bouncing on him like one of those nostalgic toys from the 90s.

“Mmmmm, this fucking pussy.” He stopped near the window, the moon light dancing off his skin. She gripped at the wall, her body jerking from every stroke, Erik assaulting her neck as his hips digged into hers. “Yes Daddy you fucking this pussy up!” He tilted her head, spitting on her pulsing neck, rubbing it in with his tongue. She gripped his dick tighter from that, her walls caving, “oh shit, Oh shit, oh fuck.” She gaped at him, her legs gripping his waist when she came. He smiled, turning to kiss her rough, startingvhis strokes up again. The clapping was music to their ears and the smell of sex was enticing. “Whose tongue is it princess?” She tongued her lips, “yours of course.” He let her down, flipping her over, Kristina peering out her window at the moon, her hand coming up to claw at the glass, smudging it from her sweaty finger tips.

Erik crossed his arms over her hips, dick moving like a piston and perspiration high. She leaned her face on the glass, smushing her cheek as she allowed Erik to beat her down from this ungodly angle, “You really are Satan for this good for nothing dick you got.” Erik gripped her bun, speaking into her ear, “and your a helpless little brat that’s eating up every stroke my dick is giving you.” She let out a groan, her walls disobeying her as she came undone, her legs struggling. Erik’s head tilted low, his strokes growing sloppier, his hands gripping her harder, “Damn Krissy, FUCK girl.”

“You Cummings daddy? Keep going.”

“STAY JUST LIKE THAT.” And with that, Erik came undone, leaning his weight on her, body shuttering. Krissy smiles, beginning to feel his heavy form, “ared you can get up now.” Erik lifted from her walking away his hands running down his sweaty abs, dick still stiff. Krissy ran up to him, placing her lips on his tip causing him to flinch, “STOP IT GIRL.” She did it again, hearing him hiss, “its sensitive right now wait like 5 minutes.” She laughed, “I can do that, I still wanna try those positions I looked up online.” Erik crashed on her bed, his face buried in her pillow, “since we got 5 minutes, delete those fucking pictures now. I don’t want none of those fools looking at my tongue.” She groaned, picking up her phone, deleting every single one. “Finished?” He asked, turing now with tired eyes. “Yeah Irky it’s done.” He pulled her to the bed, placing his chin on her shoulder, “so tell me about that one position where that girl was doing a hand stand.” She smirked, “well..”

That’s it y’all, this was quick and funny and soft boi Extra Erik okay? Hope y’all love it 😘😘😘 this was for my girl @littlesunflwrr I was suppose to have this done for her like two weeks ago

@panthergoddessbast @vanitykocaine @blackpantherismyish @golddmindd @hearteyes-for-killmonger @erikkillmongerdontpullout @eriknutinthispoosy @blowmymbackout @vikkidc @allhailnjadaka @bartierbakarimobisson @drsunshine97 @iamrheaspeaks @bidibidibombaclaat @killmonger-dolan @killmongersaidheyauntie @youreadthatright @youcantkillamutant @janelledarling @loosewindmill @laketaj24 @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @sweettea-and-honeybutter @muse-of-mbaku @madamslayyy @wifin-niggaz @wawakanda-btch @shesfromwakanda @unfriendly-blk-hottie @ayeitsmi @nemesispawn @purple-apricots

[pbandjesse]

Today was a really nice day off. I am tired and I need to go eat something. But today's just been really good. I don't feel so sad inside. Or guilty. I had a really good day.

Sleep last night was okay. I woke up a few times because I was overwhelmingly hot but then it would pass and it was fine. James apparently did too so I think the heater kicked on like hardcore at one point. Unclear. But it's fine. Actually woke up fairly early without an alarm. But we have stayed in bed until 9. I felt kind of low but only because I was tired still. James made biscuits and I went and got cleaned up and dressed. I really really needed to wash my hair. My head was so itchy. So I was looking forward to going home and doing that. We had breakfast and a soda helped wake me up. And we hung out for a while. I wanted to go home and take an actual bath and wash my hair. So we headed out.

When we got outside it was just beautiful out. The weather was amazing today. Yes it was February 15th and it shouldn't be 65° but jeez it was nice. James had to run back upstairs multiple times because he kept forgetting things but it was fine. We went to my apartment and we didn't have to be in a rush.

When we got back to my place James hung out while I went to go take a bath. He did laundry and I chilled. It was nice. And I felt so much better afterwards. He put his clothes in the dryer and I was drying off my hair and we decided we would go to the store and get lunch after his clothes came out.

So that's what we did. We went out and we went to the diner. He got a burger and I got a Falafel. It was really good. It was nice just sitting and talking with him. Turns out he has a bunch of games for kids that he knows from doing summer camp. So he told me about some of them and I'm going to see if I can Implement them for my kids. A lot of them are based off of drinking games which I think is hilarious. It was nice just being with him though.

We walked around the corner to go get my package but it turned out my mail went to a different pick-up point. And I was very frustrated because I didn't know where it was until I was just never going to do it. I was grumbly and we headed over to the art store so I can get spray paint. And I told James I would never go and get that package unless he looked it up in his phone and to figure out how far of a walk it was. Cuz I didn't want to walk. He kept telling me but we're going to be walking tomorrow we're going on a hike. I told him it's not the same! But he did look it up and it was only 8 minutes away and so we went. And I grumbled the entire time. Because it was too hot. Finally I just took my coat off and he carried it and everything was okay then.

We got my package from the weird pick up point. And then we went up to Rite Aid to look around at the clearance stuff from Valentine's Day. Then we went back to my apartment.

It was getting close to that time he had to leave to go to the overnight but he still had like 45 minutes. He took the wheels off my bike for me and I wrapped all of the pieces up and painted it. I got a color called ketchup red. And I really like it. I found some pink heart stickers in my studio to make the most Valentine's Day bike possible.

And James left around 3. Sweet pea and me hang out in the back. I have worked on my bike and half worked on Furby stuff. I had to fix my 2005 Furby, chamomile, because her nose is messed up. I'm trying this thing with a rubber base to glue to try to build it but we'll see if it actually works. None of the three Furbies I got yesterday turn on but that's okay. I added Sparkles to the one 1998 that came in the lot the other week that does work. And some blush. And a necklace. And one of the people on my Instagram named her marmalade which I think is an adorable name and then I spend some time trying to figure out who was going to come with me on my vacations this week. I think it's been decided that marmalade will come to Jersey and mint jelly will come to California. I'm not entirely sure still because Vincent is still my favorite right now but his eyes don't open and I think mint jelly would be better for photographs. I'm basically just going to go off of a gut feeling in the morning I think.

I hung out with sweet pea and we played. I made sure my bags were packed well and watch TV. At 6:30 I decided to walk to the Natural Food Store around the corner to pick up some stuff like trail mix and vegetarian jerky for hiking tomorrow. I walk down and listen to a podcast and it was a good time. Someone asked me for directions on my way back to a cafe and I accidentally gave them kind of a roundabout way to get there and I felt bad about it. But hopefully they still made it.

I got back here and I put together my trail mix and packed my day bag. And I had a snack. And then I went down to my studio and painted for an hour. I think I'm going to paint over what I painted though because I like the texture but I don't like the finished product. So we'll see what happens with this one. I still have one sheet of paper left so I might use this one and crop it in different ways and then just repaint a new thing. Unclear. It was nice to paint for a while though.

And now I'm just laying in bed. I think I'm going to go check the mail. I'm supposed to have my last birthday present order come today. You must not with standing because they're not supposed to come until the middle of March from China. But it's fine. Even if my stuff doesn't come today.

We're leaving tomorrow around noon. I'm really excited to spend sometime in a hotel with James. On a real vacation. And I really hope we can have a really good time tomorrow. See nature. Take photos. I think it's going to be really good. Send us Good Vibes. And energy. I hope you all sleep well tonight. Stay safe out there.

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol