#had an easier time trying to make omen than i did myself bye

[bhaalspwned]

mun vs muse except it was unreasonably hard for why

[finderskeepersff]

Epilogue. Part 2

“Why?” I asked Cartier “every corner I turn, you!” I pointed at him “she took my chain, my chain was in her room. So I just don’t do anything?” I mean Sienna has clearly got his chain “give me the chain” I held my hand out “why do you have it?” I asked Sienna, she walked over to me “he threw it at me last night mom” taking the chain “get in your room Cartier, Sienna go to your room also. I am bored of you kids” Cartier is pushing me so bad with everything, staring at Cartier as he walked towards me “I want to go downstairs” switching the chain into a different hand “Sienna go to your room now” grabbing Cartier’ top “I said” I am not even going to let him go to his room anymore “you fucking walk before I drag you” Cartier dropped to the floor, dropping his chain and then picking him up by his arm “fight me and you will see” dragging him down the hall, he can fucking sit here and do what he likes in an empty room, pushing the door open “I should have told him to take you with him, you have no care in the world. I know you don’t want to be with me, you want dad but you’re stuck with me. You ain’t a stupid boy Cartier, don’t play stupid because you and I both know what your dad would think to you being like this and this!” I shouted “won’t make him come back!” I slammed the door shut “fucking kids!” I just wonder sometimes why I bothered, you carry them to be not yours.

I breathed out stood in the middle of my walk in closet, it’s always been about my kids. To make sure they are ok, I blame me because I made him go but I couldn’t be here and let what happen actually happen, I let him go and I made him go. I have one letter from him, I never replied and I don’t know where he is, I don’t. I told Cassius to not come back and we will soon be together but day by day, I just think it won’t happen. I know till this day the police want him, it’s been a year now “mommy” hearing Sienna say “mommy, where are you? I came out of my room because I want to see you” pushing my hair back behind my ears “I am in the closet baby” I have already packed a lot of shit so I am ok with this “mommy, I want to wear this dress!” she held up a dress but that dress is something you wear for Christmas “don’t you think that is a little too flashy, what we celebrating?” I chuckled “erm, happiness!” she yelped “you are always happy, if you want to wear it you can” leaning down to her “can we match mommy? I see you wear red before, please” now this girl is dressing me “well, baby. I can wear red just like you, would you like that? I will wear red, don’t worry. You need help with putting it on?” she ran off “not yet mommy” I am so thankful for my daughter.

I smiled at Mia hyping me and Sienna up “ayee my girls, look at you, niece you look so fly! When you seeing auntie!?” Sienna keeps on twirling “soon auntie! I dress mommy too” Sienna wrapped her arms around my legs “and you done great” I smiled down at Sienna “how is my little mixed race queen, is she loving my gift?” Mia turned the camera around “she is currently painting, she don’t want me to speak. She goes no speak. But the fur coat is fucking cute as fuck, thank you. She loves it” I had to get my baby the same as my daughter “all ready for Barbados?” nodding my head “I need it, Cartier is really dragging me down. I can see this getting worse, I feel like he blames me for his father, I mean yes I said for him to go but I had no choice. One minute he tells me I shouldn’t make you sad, and then he does mess and plays up. I am truly worried about him” Mia poked her lips out at me “boys are hard, Cassiel is still young but Cartier and Cassius were so close, he misses him. You know with Cassius just leaving like that, we understand and I miss that nigga around and I ain’t living with y’all but you just have a good time ok? Face time me too when you get there, I love you my baby Sienna” Mia blew a kiss “you see that baby? She gave kiss, give it back” Sienna blew a kiss to the screen “ok, bye sis” disconnecting the FaceTime “ready to go now?” I think we are now, I have everything packed “mom” what does that boy want now “yes” turning around “I am sorry” he walked into the bedroom “you upset mom, that is not nice Cartier. I told you!” Sienna is such a madam “I know, shut up Sienna. Mom, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, just things get me upset. I can’t wait to be older and I can do more for you, I just don’t understand mom, I don’t get how dad left us. I am sorry” crouching down to him “one day I will explain to you, come here” Cartier walked into the hug “I love you kids so much, all three of you are a pain but you kept me sane” I couldn’t be here without them, imagine a life with them.

It is so fucking tiring, buckling each child into the plane seats “right, I will be sat here. Just across the aisle and I will be watching you, Cartier be nice to Cassiel. You said you want to be big boy and sit on your own” Cassiel nodded his head, he said he did so we shall see “I will give you your tablets once we take off” shuffling out to sit down, I sighed out deeply. I am so very tired but I just want to get to Barbados, with the money Cassius has left I could get a jet but no way, I don’t think so. Any excuse to question us, I am trying to keep us all low key. Cassius has left me so much money, I didn’t know he did that for me. He left me money from every angle, I had people come to me and say Cassius told us to come to you once the call is made, and then Mitch. He had all this put away for me, Omen just sold the diamonds so I got money from that which will be put away for the kids, he was waiting for this. It seems like it anyways. Sitting next to the lady “three kids, handful?” she said, I chuckled “uhm, yes. They are all under ten” the woman looked so shocked, it was genuine shock “how old are you dear?” do I look young “I am thirty” I paused “thirty five” I chuckled “you stop counting after thirty” I did stop counting then “you look so good for your age dear, I wouldn’t have thought” that is a good compliment to hear.

Cassiel is of course sleepy “please Sienna and Cartier just stay close” picking Cassiel up “mommy” Cassiel whined out, he is so grumpy after falling sleep on the journey here “we hold hands!” Sienna spat, Cartier is the one the hold her hand. Least I know he would protect his sister “follow me ok” I don’t know what to drop, my bag is falling off my shoulder “mom!” Cartier roared, he really shouted at me “I will take it” he reached up, smiling at him “thank you baby” letting my bag fall from my shoulder “Cassiel is a big baby mom, don’t you think?” Sienna said “he is still my baby, but he is getting too big for me” walking through the airport, it’s not easy at all and Cartier is always there for me even if he causes me pain “Sofia!!” seeing a hand waving at me, I breathed out “look who is there, Hope!” I spat “aunt Hope!” Cartier and Sienna both ran hand in hand with my poor bag being dragged, my grandfather stood there with Hope looking on. The smile on his face seeing my kids, they love them so much. Feeling Cassiel lift his head “it’s auntie, she is here. You love her” I pointed, he will soon wake up “my beautiful, beautiful grandchild!” my grandfather opened his arms to me, my heart just broke and that was it for me. I near fell in his arms “oh no, no. Baby stop it” holding on to him as I cried, the last time I came here was with Cassius and now look “come on now” he said.

I sat in the back with with my grandfather and the kids, Cartier sat in front with Hope. My grandfather holding my hand, he knows I am so sad “I want you to have a good time here. A lot of things have happened in a year and I understand that, but baby you need to rest and not stress” it’s easier said than done “it’s hard” I said in a whisper “it’s been hell” looking at the front to check if Cartier is listening but he isn’t, he is busy laughing with Hope “I question my decision, I do. I just couldn’t see him get hurt or rot in that place but then is he ok out there, I don’t know. But he is ok, I feel it in my heart. The last he said to me, he was in Spain, that was it. I don’t know where he is and I don’t know how I would contact him, he can’t come back to America, he can’t. They want him, I have never seen inside a cell but I did, it was horrible. I am struggling to keep up with the kids, Cartier is going football with another parent because I can’t go with him and then also Sienna dance recital, I have to split it up. Cassiel, I feel I am just dragging him along. And then I said to Cassius we will be together, how? I don’t know where he is, I am kidding myself, Cartier still wants to know what has happened, tell me. What do I do?” Grandfather shushed me “just calm down, you have come here finally. We will speak on it, welcome home ok?” calm down, how can I calm down when I am lying to myself about this shit.

I feel sad being here, we got married here and then I am coming here alone with the kids, he should be here “I love it here” my smile grew seeing my second home “I know, and we are happy you are here. And look who it is” my smile grew even more “Leyton, look kids. Uncle” the car stopped. Leyton is a man now, I can’t even call him little because he towers over me “uncle!!” Cartier spat, he ran out of the car, they love him so much and it makes me happy that they like it here “see, the family are happy to see you. I am telling you now, I will do anything to make you smile so no tears ok?” my grandfather pointed at me “ok”I said in a whisper, he is so sweet “Cassiel, you have grown. Look at you!” shuffling out of the car “sis!” Leyton said “little brother” looking up at him as he hugged me “I decided, you all can stay with me but big boss said no, they stay with me” I am so happy to know Leyton is ok, he is happy and not in no gang “well we are here for a week and a few days we can change over” hearing a sharp scream, looking towards the house as Sienna and Cassiel ran inside “what is it!” Sienna shouted and then she screamed, I waved them off “them kids are fucking crazy” I chuckled to myself “how are you though? You dealing with things good yeah? If you want me to come there and help, I can?” bless Leyton, he is so sweet “it’s weird to see you so grown, talking about let me look after you. I am fine, honestly. This is my break away” he is worried about me but I am ok now, I am home.

Reaching up and touching Leyton’ beard “look at you, I can’t help it. I find it weird you acting so grown, you actually have a beard too. Now getting engaged” he is getting annoyed with me “well you got married, then you had Sienna. You ain’t see me in two years and then y’all came every year after that, then a long break. I am a growing boy, anyways. Shall we go in” Leyton placed his arm around me “mom!” Cartier shouted, I stopped abruptly “no, no, no” I moved back, it’s like I have seen a ghost “dad is here!” moving back into Leyton “surprise Sofia, he been here all that time we been trying to make you come” I fell onto my knees “no” I sobbed out “come here, come on” this can’t be true “yo sis” Leyton rubbed my back “bub, hey come on” Cassius gripped my arms, pulling them away from my face and I just latched onto him “oh my god, Cassius!” I cried out, he is here “I fucking missed you Sofia” he stood up with me in his arms “I am so sorry” he said in my ear, moving back “it’s you, it’s really you!” placing my hands at the side of his face “you’re here” my voice ever so high pitched “I been here for months” looking at every detail of his face “you wasn’t coming, always busy” wiping Cassius tears “you’re crying too” he said, it is really him “you’re here, I didn’t know. I really didn’t, oh my god” I laughed a little before hugging him again.

This is so surreal to me, he is here. The kids are so excited, they think he was waiting for them here as a surprise. To see them so happy, to see Sienna and Cartier on his lap but Cassiel, he is clinging to me. He is my baby “dad, Cartier is mean. He is naughty at home!” Sienna pointed at him “because I wanted you dad, that was it. I am getting better and better at football” they have so much to tell him, Cassius looked over at me “you have been here for months?” I said “you was calling here” Cassius put Sienna down “go and play with your cousins” Cartier shook his head “I want to stay here” he ain’t going to leave him “I am not going anywhere, listen to me on this. Just go, I promise you little dude. I am here, go and show your cousins your new football skills” Cartier kissed his cheek before moving “I will be back” he loves Cassius so damn much “Kyle, Amira and I didn’t know where to go, so I built the courage up and came here. I didn’t expect Marcel to be accepting of what happened but they didn’t turn me away, so I built a new life here with things. I live next to Kyle and Amira, and I will come here, go to work with Leyton. Ask him, but I said to Leyton, Marcel and Jackie that without making it known I am here, you need to make her come here. But you was so hard headed, you was just so busy constantly. Then you cancelled that time, and you came here because Leyton lied to you, he said that he was getting engaged and he wanted you there, other than that you wasn’t coming but you’re here now” looking at Leyton “so you’re not getting engaged are you?” he shook his head “Cassius, it’s been so hard” I am not going to cry, I can’t anymore.

“I didn’t know how we was going to ever meet” shaking my head at him “I would have came for you, I came here because of you. We’re ok here, we can live here. It fucks me up, that night. I didn’t want to leave” his voice broke “but I made the right decision, I get to see you here” I am ok that he is ok “but I am away from you and the kids, I ran like a coward” shaking my head “no, you was going to be dead. I think I remember correctly that by the time the police get to you that they was going to kill you, I don’t care. You took that jet out but you cannot return Cassius. They are waiting for you to come back, you come back they going to take you. Cassius the police turned on you, they wanted you gone too, who was going to save you. You got too deep into it, nobody could save you. Kalia did what she had to do, she pulled through and I was not going to let it go! I had to make you go, yes you can’t see us but you’re alive” Cassius put his head down “you tell me, what was next? You wait and then what?” I questioned him “arrested, locked up” nodding my head “and you told me that is where they are all waiting for you, you done a lot and I had to make you go. I don’t care what you say to me Cassius, I made the right decision. Now I see you, I did. The only person left and he still comes to see me, Omen. He said there is people still asking about you coming back, you left and I got arrested the next day. Jasmine was there but they took me in and they asked me, they wanted to know where you was and made out I knew but I took my ring off, I said you left me. I said the marriage is over, you went. I think deep down they knew I was lying but they couldn’t prove shit” Cassius broke down crying “you got arrested?” he questioned “Cassius, I lived that life with you. I knew everything that was going on, they still watch me. I am not dumb, they been accessing my emails, my phone. They know you are alive, I couldn’t reply to that letter, if they know I lied I am going down with you, I need to be here for my kids. Yes it’s a mess but I am with you” Cassius wiped his face, he started smiling at Cassiel “he grown so much, a whole year and he looks different” Cassiel turned in my lap “he doesn’t understand Cassius, he is my big baby. I am just scared that if things come out then I am gong with you” Cassiel rested his head on my shoulder, he really don’t want to see Cassius right now.

Cartier soon came back in, he didn’t stay out for long “dad, can we go and talk?” Cartier grabbed his hand “you want to do some boss talk?” Cartier nodded his head “boss’s only” I have not seen this boy so happy, he is so happy with his dad “ok, let’s go best friend” Cassius got up from the couch “look” Cassiel pointed ahead of him “you want to go with them?” I asked “Cassius wait, you want to go with daddy? It’s only dad” Cassiel looked at me “it’s dad baby” Cassius slowly walked over to us “dad, let’s leave him. It’s us” Cassius made his way over, I think Cassius is feeling offended by Cassiel but he is just upset. Cassius crouched down in front of us, Cassius reached up and grabbed his hand and faced it palm up “round and round the garden” he made a circle motion with his fingers in Cassiel’ palm “like a teddy bear, one step, two step” he walked his fingers up Cassiel’ arm, his little smile on his face and then his facial expression soon changed, his lower lip poking out “you want to hug him?” Cassiel nodded his head as he cried out, Cassius would always do that to him and I knew he wanted Cassius but he is very timid in doing things. Cassius picked him up and I felt a lump in my throat, to see my kids clinging onto Cassius. My grandma touched my arm, looking over at her as I smiled with tears ready to fall “you ok?” she asked “fine” I strained out, it’s so hard “come on we hanging out together” Sienna ran in eventually “it’s boys only! You can’t come” Cartier said “I don’t want you! I want mom, hi mom” my smile grew at her, she is so bossy “she can come if she wants, princess. You want to come?” Sienna shook her head “I don’t share attention” this is my daughter, she is me all over “anyways mommy, I am hungry” she jumped on my lap.

Cassius and I need to talk but the kids do not want to leave him alone, I find it amusing watching Cartier fight off his sleep because he doesn’t want him to disappear but I also feel bad because he is feeling scared “I’ve noticed, Sienna is protective of you. I thought Cartier would be but Sienna, wow” I smiled a little “she is ready to fight anyone, Cartier as his moments but he is more your son than mine” watching Sienna walk into the living room “dad, I am ready to sleep now” she is such a diva “come on, and mom goodnight” she climbed up on the couch and kissed my cheek “good night, tell daddy all about your dance class ok? He wants to hear it” Cassius slowly put Cartier down on the couch, he is too tired to wake up “I will be back” he picked Sienna up “I will, dad. I am going to be dancing on stage, it’s going to be so big!” I chuckled shaking my head, he better enjoy all of that speaking she about to do “Sienna always been that loud?” Leyton asked “no, it’s weird because when I sat them down and said that Cassius left, and I don’t know when he will be back. Sienna probably felt I needed someone to take of me, I am not sure. She is becoming outspoken a lot. It’s Cartier that worries me, he mentions being called young don, a killer too. This is things he has heard while being with Cassius and his stupid friends, I would like to leave him with Cassius but I don’t want to just drag him out of school, things like that” I can’t just disappear with three kids.

I have a lot to think about, now Cassius is here with me we can think on it together “maybe you should come and move here, for the sake of your kids and also Cassius. He is so miserable without you, he is hurting and when I ask for pictures of the kids and you, it’s not me. It’s him, he needs his wife back home. Well here” Leyton said “I am going now, give you both space. Seeing as you done now, she gone to sleep?” I smiled at Cassius, he is all mine now, the kids are asleep “yeah, she told me all about dance and then I had to tell her a story, I made it up. She then fell asleep so we good” Leyton dapped Cassius “see y’all tomorrow family” my brother is a changed person, look at him being a man “so” I said, I feel all shy now “so” Cassius repeated what I said, just to see Cassius here in front of me “sit with me, finally. I can have you to myself” Cassius shuffled over to me and leaned down to me “I have missed you so much” Cassius face just inches to mine, his nose lightly grazing the side of my face, my hand pressed against the side of his face “so did I” turning my face to him and his lips caught mine and it moved like lightening speed, he leaned in more as the kiss deepened and my hands travelling down his body “don’t mind me” pushing Cassius away as I saw my grandfather “my bad, I wasn’t” Cassius sat down next to me “it’s ok, I am going back to bed” I think we are all a little ashamed now.

Cassius chuckled “I ain’t had sex in so long, I waiting on my wife” Cassius placed his hand on my lap “same, but we got time together now” placing my hand over his “I am sorry Sofia” using my free to rub his back “don’t cry” Cassius closed his eyes and took in a deep breath “I wanted to come back to you so many times, Kyle and Amira kept me sane. You and the kids kept me ok, I had none of you, I struggled Sofia. I was struggling so bad, wanted to say fuck it, there would be no way we could be. Just go back on drugs, then it’s like I had this idea. Made them all come here, I didn’t think Marcel would accept me and let me stay around. I told him everything, this was my only chance. I fucked up, I fucked up so much. I stayed around, I was still doing bad. I don’t care, I mean I did what I did but the consequences. I took the gamble and it failed. When it all happened, you was making me leave. I didn’t want to go” he shook his head “I was ready to die Sofia, but here I am. I can’t go back to America and I get it but my kids, you. I am stuck here now. You came here on my birthday” he laughed “I didn’t time it this way, you chose it. I can’t really do and say anything. I was racketeering the whole of New York, I was beyond me and I hit that wall, you know” I knew he hit that wall “and I took over Cassius, to see you here with me. Cassius, I am happy and I take it. We can be together, I am thinking. I can’t take the kids away quickly, I need to go back to America and I need to slip away slowly, I will come here and we will live here and build a life here, I need to make sure the kids are ok, they are fine to move and be here but they will jump at the chance. I need to do this slowly, make it gradual. I don’t want anyone finding you. We doing this my way and we will be together” Cassius smiled at me “who raised you to be such a boss” I snorted laughing “I learnt from the best, I am the boss’s wife” I retorted “I will make this work and we will be together, I am so glad you used your brain and came here, you listened to me when I said go” I am shocked he did as I said “you are the boss of me, I listen to you. I just want to be with you and the kids, I can’t be without you anymore” I can tell he is struggling “and this will be us, happily ever after in Barbados, I promise.”