#ha. kaz. revisiting music . verse

[sociieties]

@peachmuses: " zu, rai! you two are never going to believe this shit, " shuuzou all but bursts down the door entering into their space. ( it's family dinner night, and he has complaints. ) unwrapping scarf around from neck, as he continues, " so apparently the kids decided that i'm their new pet project, " he dips down to take off his shoes before putting them neatly into the closet and grabbing his own slippers, " and so they're trying to get me to date the english teacher the--- " he's walking into the living room, voice trailing off as he stares wide-eyed at makoto and tatsuya. " we have company, shuu. " shuuzou blinks, " i ... see that. anyways, where are my children at ? koda, baby, c'mere! " there's a bark, and an excited dog barrelling it's way towards shuuzou, who barely manages to balance himself before the dog knocks him over. " whose the bestest boy in the entire world ? you are ! yes you are ! " yippi too, makes her way over to him, before she sis and loudly meows at him, putting her paw on his leg, " yes yes, i didn't forget you too, princess. " / bad end.

makoto's talking about one of the times he ended up lost in la -- some story about how he was out with tatsuya just for tatsuya to go off somewhere for about two seconds and next thing makoto knows, he's standing outside some wendy's and there's a group of drunken twenty somethings trying to talk to him. when the door opens, he's at the part where they'd been trying to invite him to some after party and that was around the time tatsuya had come back, only for everyone around him to scatter. he doesn't get to tell that part, though, as attention shifts to the door when it opens and shuuzou's calling out / makoto peering over at the scene with tatsuya, now silent.

kazuya, as mostly expected, is smiling when shuuzou enters their line of sight, head tilting towards his soulmate as he stops what he was talking about just to change the subject and his gaze soon moves back towards the other two. well -- he's not really surprised, and as koda comes racing down the hall, kazuya leans back into his seat, a warm satisfaction resting in his chest. " i'm almost convinced you're using us for out children, " kazuya muses gently, laughing to himself as he remembers how he had to put koda away as he wouldn't stop growling at makoto and tatsuya. " if you're talking about the same kids that're trying to keep you caught up with whatever slang the kids are using now, i'm not really surprised. " but that can wait for when the other two aren't around, so he waves his hand dismissively. " they sorta just dropped by, i dunno. " smile turns grin, " koda wouldn't stop growling about it, either. "

[sociieties]

kazuya, who’d been watching mermaid!shuuzou tell his story, giggles when his boyfriend recalls something from their past, smile resting on his lips. “ and here i thought you didn’t remember that. ”

“ you would do that? ” enyo muses, eyes in the human kazuya.

kazuya shrugs, “ i felt it necessary at the time. ”

enyo looks away, somewhat moving on. “ no one knows what happened to her. everything after that became really unclear. ” not that too many of them care about what happened afterwards / a lifetime of serving humans often warded off curious minds. “ love, ” eyes settle on the human shuuzou, “ is not a priority. we live too long to search for something that doesn’t make us. ” head lowers, hand skimming water. “ but it can break us, which is worse. change us. curse us. ”

hand is nudged upwards, and shuuzou scratches at scalp much like one would do a pet when they demand attention - but attention is on himself, or rather the sea-self of himself, as story is weaved and spun for him and the others, and shuuzou leans forward during the pauses the other gives. he finishes, and shuuzou blinks -- but before he can say anything, sea!makoto speaks, and shuuzou's attention drifts to him, as he makes his way to lay across him. shuuzou hums. " that is definitely not how the disney version went. our society has a huge focus on love and not being single and all this extra bullshit so people can feel inadequate if they are not in a relationship. i'm pretty sure i called it propaganda one time. " but for whatever reason, shuuzou doesn't know. ( doesn't know why there is such pressure for romantic ties and he shifts his gaze to kazuya, lips twitching. ) " there was a time i didn't even believe in romantic love you know. someone basically knocked me upside the head after yelling at me for it. " a hand waves, " i didn't really believe in witches either, so i'm questioning a lot of different beliefs now. " enyo nods, " ariel was to spend her time as a spirit doing good deeds for humans for a life time. if she failed, then years would be added on, if she did not, she would ascend. " " so wait -- ariel was actually real ? " enyo, huffing, as tail fin flaps into the water, " of course she was real. it's been ages and eons however. " " so what happened to her spirit ? " enyo shrugs, " dunno. i never asked. "

[sociieties]

@peachmuses: " yama-chan says everyone is in love with me. " she's talking to kazuya - her head in his lap actually. " i think that's stupid. "

" he said what? " not that he thinks that og is wrong, but still. moving on from the initial pause, he gently drops his hand back onto her head, peering down at her with a short glance. " i think everyone wants to be. when was this? "

[sociieties]

@tempestflames: with his guitar in his lap, katsuki squints watching his fingers move across the instrument. "again. show me again." he demands. ( katsuki to hara)

kazuya sneers, half amused, half annoyed with the other. this is ease, but katsuki is snappy and kazuya never said that he was the most patient person in the world. if katsuki thinks that, he is very, very mistaken and kazuya has no particular issue with proving him wrong. still, he finds himself counting to three / five / ten, before he's forcing himself to breath. ( these days, he's learning to be patient, but today, kazuya feels anything but. maybe it's katsuki's own impatience getting to him. )

" demanding, " word rests in the back of his throat as he raises his head to eye the other, blinking slowly as he reaches out to adjust the way katsuki holds guitar neck. " what are you rushing? " it's beginning to piss him off, actually. " pay attention. "

[sociieties]

" you're completely insufferable, " kazuya tells him, head tilting to the left as he twirls drumstick between fingers. he hasn't looked at bakugo since he's shown up, actively choosing to ignore the irritated look in his eyes. something about something that he doesn't necessarily remember. ( bakugo's really fucking stuck up, kazuya's decided. ) " fuckin' prep school kid. " / @tempestflames liked.

[sociieties]

" i don't know. " he doesn't know anything. just that this hurts and he wants to stop crying, but the tears keep coming and this crying feels like he's standing in the middle of a field with a gaping wound in his chest. " i don't know, " he spirals between breaths. " i don't- i-i-i-i-i don't — i don't know. don't know, don't know, " it all just feels like a broken, skipping record. his grooves have been damaged, scratched and sanded all that's left is this endless cycle of not knowing why ryou speaks and questions him about things.

kazuya doesn't know. he can't make sense of things he used to make sense of / can't process anything past the pain and the panic and he cries harder. the basketball hits him and he only crumbles more. crumbles again when he's approached and a hand is taken / feels like he's moment away from shattering when ryou ditches him for the chair. it's only then that he breaks completely, head shaking as a loud whine rips through his entire being and he can't hold back the fat sob that chokes him on the way out.

hara kazuya, the idiot who knows nothing.

" i'm sorry. " he's broken / he's sorry. he's only sharp edges and he tends to make ryou pick him back up with his bare hands, uncaring of how bloodied the other ends up in the process. he has to stop being so reckless / all he does is hurt his friends. " sorry, " between one sob and the next, " i'm sorry— "

tatsuya comes to mind, although it's briefly. his friend's comment about how he makes people want to love him, how he has this thing about him that brings people in and they want to love him and kazuya's suddenly more guilty about everything now. all he does is hurt those who love him / a long list of ex lovers, ex hookups, ex friends / he hurt mako / hurt ryou / he has to stop. he has to.

" you were obsessed with me and i used it against you. " it hurts when he swallows, heaving in pathetic breaths and it's not enough for him to calm down. " you were my.... " were. he could laugh / is crying too much to even think about it and as he grows tired of standing there like some fool on display, he lowers himself to sit on the ground, tears still streaming. " favorite person in the entire world. i couldn't just let anyone in. i couldn't let just anyone around you, either. " because, well, what if they had hurt him? what if these new people had done something to ryou? kazuya still can't explain his absences. " shuu — "

he forces a semi-steady breath, wiping his tears again with his wrist. " shuu is good to me, i love him. mako and tatsu are good, too, but ryou, " he moves behind his arm, shaking more tears loose before looking up towards the person he used to know the most in the world. " they're not you. nobody could ever be you. i can't keep doing this. i have to be here, i have to stay. don't let me run, please ryou, i'm so tired of running. i don't want to go anywhere. "

" that's such a fucking lie. " ryou spits out. " you think you ruin everything but you don't and i'm so tired of you saying you do. " because he is / sick and tired of it. kazuya is a creator / he creates just as much as ryou does. he laughs, dryily. " yeah. yeah i was. " he's not going to cry / his voice is hearse , but he's tired of crying / it's all he's been doing for months now. " you were the brightest star in my sky and the one person i never thought i could live without. everyone else left. omma. appa. i was the weird kid who fixated on death and gore and art and that didn't scare you. you were kind to me. you made me believe in myself. you made me better. of course i was in love with you. i wouldn't have done have the things i had done with you if i hadn't been. i would have gone to hell if it meant you were there. you were the only person i ever wanted to be around and then - then you left me. and i tried - i tried going to your place and i tried to find you and your mother turned me away. i tried to find you in other places but -- you never showed. how long does a person wait for someone to show, ha-chan, before they end up giving up ? i spent months trying to get to you to get nothing. and then about a year to a year and a half later - one day, aomine-kun kidnapped me to go find sneakers with him. barged through my bedroom like it was nothing and threw clothes at me and told me to get up that he needed sneakers and since we were both starters, that it was my responsibility to trail after him - and i saw you. it was a glance, but you looked happy enough. i don't know - you were with your team -- and i had to leave, to get out of there, leaving aomine-kun behind because i had just spent that year trying to get over you. it was like looking directly at the sun without glasses and i had spent all that time trying to move past the hurt of you leaving -- i fled. " kazuya is crying in his room and ryou wants to take his stupid heart out and throw it at his feet, shatter it in front of him just because. ( he has atsumo now. he is not in love with atsumo, currently. maybe one day, they can be in love. maybe / ryou will come home to him / and maybe atsumo will come home to him , and they can get wine-drunk in the kitchen at 3 am while ryou bakes his favorites / kazuya has nijimura-kun now. they are in love. ryou knows what love looks like when it comes to kazuya. he could paint it blind, if asked. ryou too, is selfish and unfair. ) " you couldn't lose me but you walked away from me. twice. how does that work ? how. make it make sense, ha-chan. i wouldn't have left you. never in a thousand years has it crossed my mind to leave you behind. i couldn't if i tried. " he lets out a frustrated groan, and he throws the ball in his hands at kazuya, " it wasn't your decision to make ! i hated you for a long time because of it. because you left me behind and i couldn't get to you and i thought it was me. that i wasn't good enough for you. but i couldn't hate you because i was stupidly in love with you and trying to convince myself that i hated you was easier than admitting that i was hurt because i loved you. " because he didn't date. because he wasn't as obsessed as everyone else was with crushes and eventually sex and all those hormones that most people were driven by. brokenly, " why --- why wasn't i good enough for you to even ask ? you never even cared to ask why i didn't want to hear about them. " the people he dated / hooked up with / anything. why wasn't he good enough for kazuya to check in on him.

finally, he moves, shaking like a leaf, and swallowing thickly, ( and this is the bravest he's ever been in his life. ) he moves slowly towards kazuya, before he meets him, and he picks up a hand and studies it. he breathes out, before he drops it and turns to his art desk to move to sit at chair, pulling legs up to wrap arms around so he's closer to the window. " i liked you controlling me. " soft. " it meant you still thought of me. still wanted something from me. something to do with me. i was useful. i couldn't -- i couldn't make you love me but i could be useful to you. you are my best friend. you have always been my best friend. you will always remain my best friend. i -- wanted to be selfish. for once i wanted you to look at me and to see me and to use me for whatever reason you needed. if that meant letting you control me and my actions -- then that's what it meant -- and i was okay with it for a while because even now i love you, " platonically, he means now, he thinks, "-- but i can't -- keep letting us do that to one another. i can't keep letting you use me just because i want you to think about me and remember that i exist in some form and you love nijimura-san and i'm okay with that because he loves you too. trust me. i don't want to lose you, ha-chan, please, don't make me lose you." his voice breaks, soft and pleading, " please. "

[sociieties]

@peachmuses: txt; He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm and play Candy Crush at the same time? / momoi at hara.

[ text ; the doll ] actually yes [ text ; the doll ] lmao [ text ; the doll ] so... did u? [ text ; the doll ] i usually take it as a personal challenge. see if i can commit to it

[sociieties]

@peachmuses​: [text]: I need a hoe opinion / momoi at hara 

[ text ; the doll ] yes, doll?

[sociieties]

@peachmuses​: [group text: ma-chan, ya-chan, yo-chan, yama-chan ] Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they’ll die if they don’t send unsolicited dick pics

[ text ; yo-chan ] idk im GAYand i have respect for people [ text ; yo-chan ] ask the others. [ text ; ya-chan ] girly, you gotta stop talking to new guys. stay in your circle [ text ; ya-chan ] when are u gonna learn ur lesson [ text ; ma-chan ] Just send back a picture of a bigger dick, it kills the pride. [ text ; yama-chan ] they will die, they need to be validated. [ text ; yama-chan ] same reason guys hype up their dicks bc they know nobody wants to see that shit

[sociieties]

@peachmuses: 5 times niji worried hr. / bad end

i. kazuya hates that he was right about this. hates that he knew that there was one of two ways things would end after tatsuya came back and tried to wedge his way between shuuzou and makoto. he despises the way that it worked even after he'd told tatsuya to not break them up after tatsuya said that he could. this was not supposed to happen. this much, kazuya distinctly telling ryou the same day that it happened and he also remembers ryou telling him that there was only so much he could do about the situation. ryou, naturally, was right, but both of them knew things had gone from bad to worse after shuuzou appears on his doorstep, wasted, telling him that makoto had left with tatsuya.

shit. shit / shit / shit. why -- kazuya doesn't have time to stress about it because he's too worried that this might be shuuzou's breaking point. he forces himself to drop his own frustrations, carefully guiding soulmate inside to offer him home for the night. when ryou comes around the corner, kazuya frowns at lover and later that night, when shuuzou's out cold on the couch, he explains everything to the love of his life.

ii. on makoto's birthday, shuuzou is quiet. he'd come to stay the night before and while kazuya's concerned, ryou tells him they can keep shuuzou company while kazuya goes off with his band. ( really, they should be touring, but kazuya's too worried about his best friend to think to leave. his band mates know that something is up, but kazuya makes it up to everyone by suggesting they get two - three more albums out before they leave tokyo. )

he's gone for all of two hours when he gets the call from ryou / they're distressed and talking about how shuuzou hasn't moved an inch. he's not speaking, only sitting on the floor, clutching a pillow for dear life while tears freely stream down his face. shuuzou is unresponsive and ryou is bad at this -- kazuya's usually the one that talks to people when they're crying. kazuya, in turn, drops everything and heads back home to find a slowly breaking shuuzou and a helpless ryou. when he steps inside, they're both crying -- for two completely different reasons -- and kazuya wants to rip his hair out.

iii. the first time someone brings up makoto by name, it's ryou, in passing, telling kazuya about how they researched autism after makoto told them he was autistic -- something to go along with how ryou researched bpd after shuuzou said something about it. kazuya mentally cringes at the mention of the name and while his outwards expression doesn't change, ryou reads him like a book and asks him what's wrong. kazuya then explains how he thinks -- very loosely put -- that maybe, now after everything, he feels like he hates makoto now. this has nothing to do with shuuzou and everything to do with makoto's piss poor decisions.

the next time anyone hears from shuuzou, it's because, as it would seem, shuuzou had added kazuya into his emergency contact. as it stands, it's not shuuzou on the other end of the line, but a paramedic / they tell him that the first person in his emergency contact didn't pick up and asked if he could come. kazuya asks who the first person was / they say they cannot say / kazuya guesses makoto / the short silence on the other end of the line confirms everything that kazuya needs to know.

right. he was right to think that he now hates makoto. the makoto of old would never ignore a call from shuuzou / the makoto of old always made sure to answer his phone because he always worried that something would happen to shuuzou -- something serious -- something like some fucking paramedic calling at three in the fucking morning because someone found him blacked out, face down in middle of the street, completely unresponsive despite now being awake. whoever makoto is now, kazuya hates everything about him.

iv. kazuya's in fukuoka with his band / ryou's back home, watching over home and the pets and shuuzou, if need be. kazuya hopes, with every fiber of his being, that the need doesn't come.

fate tests him six days into being away and ryou's calling him saying that shuuzou had come over and when kazuya asks if he needs to come home, ryou tells him not to. ryou says that they can handle it and he can hear shuuzou speak in the background / worry about your band, zu, i just stopped by to say hi. before he can call either one on their bullshit, someone's calling out to him because they need to do a soundcheck. kazuya sighs before saying his goodbyes, telling ryou that they can talk later, after the show.

like clockwork, kazuya calls back only to get no answer and just as he starts thinking of the worst possible scenarios, ryou's sending him pictures of them and shuuzou. there's two of shuuzou in the kitchen, learning how to make the rice ryou usually makes for him, another of ryou on the couch and shuuzou stretched out across him / one of koda resting atop a sleeping shuuzou.

[ text; mine. moon. ] so he's fine? [ text; mine. moon. ] you know when we got koda i didn't think he'd end up being an esa, but if it works then it works ig. [ text; mine. moon. ] don't forget to take care of yourself too, love [ text; zou ] when we swing back by tokyo, i'm taking you with me

v. shuuzou is allowed his space. he is allowed to go silent for a bit, so long as he returns to the real world. with that being said, a week of nothing from shuuzou is concerning and it worries not only ryou, but kazuya, too. it's neither one of them who find shuuzou, but koda. it's koda who runs off from kazuya when they're walking down the street and dog takes off before kazuya has a proper grasp on the leash ( his fault, really ) and he's following his tosa all the way to shuuzou and -----

it's that clubhouse. kazuya remembers it, vaguely, after having been there two or three times before. it had nothing to do with him, and he'd avoid it even now if it wasn't for koda. koda stands outside the door, barking as kazuya catches up to him and takes his leash up again.

" koda, baby, you can't ju-- " scolding stops cold when the door opens and shuuzou steps outside. while he looks terrible, it doesn't top the time he had to rush to emergency care to get to him after being called up in the middle of the night. " zou... "

whatever's going on in shuuzou's head, kazuya has no clue, leaving kazuya quiet as he watches his best friend rub sleep out of his eyes before he drops to koda's level and presses a tired kiss into his head. koda whines softly as shuuzou speaks to him before attention turns back to soulmate. somehow, kazuya is not surprised. phone is already in hand, texting lover to let them know that he's with shuuzou and he's in one piece. " how's lunch sound? " ( kazuya doesn't immedately ask. shuuzou doesn't immedately tell. they can talk about whatever happened later. ) " i've been thinking about checking out that new sushi bar. get cleaned up, it's my treat. "

[sociieties]

@peachmuses: ‘  i have never left your side. you left mine, but i never left yours.  ’ / haryou. :)

one day, kazuya will never have to hear about it again, but until then, he's forever haunted by the memory of how he went and left his best friend in the entire world not once, but twice. forever reminded about it, if not by ryou, then himself / and if not by himself, than by others than don't know that the topic is a landmine that ruins his entire day. today / it's late, cold and raining. it's only the third time that he's stayed the night with ryou after they'd made up.

kazuya's gaze is on the window, watching the way the rain pelts down on the window just to fall and split it's own way as ryou brings it up. his hand remain wrapped around the mug of hot cocoa and eventually, he blinks, hidden gaze shifting from window to best friend ( now normal ) and kazuya doesn't refuse to think about it this time. they'd promise to actually talk about the things that bothered them, but did that mean that it happen at around three am when thunder shakes the house and there's once again no one around but the other to catch one if the other is falling?

when he left / the first time / the second time / kazuya never imagined what it did to ryou. if he cried or not / if he bothered looking for kazuya or not / if ryou even cared that kazuya wasn't around anymore. each time, kazuya felt nothing — couldn't. he didn't allow himself to. maybe that's why when his friend finally speaks up on it, it hits him like a shot to the chest and his eyes slowly fall out of focus.

" we were just kids, " he begins, softly, and he knows that it's not enough. the first time he left, they were just kids and there would never be enough apologizing in the world for ryou to ever let it go. they were kids and kazuya's entire life was being uprooted, everything he considered safe and sacred were being threatened. he did what he had to do, did it to survive and manage how far the damage spread. " i'm sorry. "

he's sorry / sorry for leaving / for coming back / for doing more harm than good.

he doesn't know what to think anymore as he didn't necessarily see the point in explaining himself over something that happened when they were children. the second time / kazuya left his most important things and blurred lines.

lightning strikes not too far off, lighting the entire room for a split second and in it, kazuya's thought about bolting. he stays anyway, drinking the rest of his drink before placing empty mug to his right. " when i did it, " which time? " both times — i wasn't looking to hurt you or anything. " that was easier said than done, though. intention and outcome were never the same when he did anything. " i did it for me, because i didn't... i didn't want to make anything worse. " better to walk through hell alone than to drag someone else through it / he can't reach the same thought process behind it anymore. " i don't know. "

a pause / " i didn't do it for you to bring it up any time you feel hurt about something i've done. " he breathes out, eyes back on the window again. " i didn't know what to do with knowing that you'd never go anywhere because that i never get that. " his siblings, his own parents, ryou's parents, nameless faces and old friends / all came and went. kazuya wondered if ryou knew that he needed ryou just as much as ryou needed him. his presence was mandatory, but just as much as it was, kazuya didn't know what to do with such a consistency. better to ruin it before ryou did, he'd think. it would be better for him to burn all his bridges down himself than to be caught in the fire someone else set. " so, " he shrugs, " i did the only thing i knew. what do you want from me? to say that i'll never do it again? "

[sociieties]

he hums softly, giving a faint nod as eyes close, one arm snaking around his leg. “ i know. ”

“ not particularly, ” but kazuya doesn’t try to pin things to find reason in it. he tries pinning them to remember / fails about half to time but tries anyway and shuuzou’s point still stands, he supposes. “ if it’s buried, who am i to go excavating for things i probably forgot for a reason? ” then again, who was he to put pen to paper only to make things so real and permanent? this is why part of him wants to burn the books along with the house. shuuzou says that old, younger version of himself still exists, but kazuya knows it only stands true between the lines on paper. “ i mean after i stopped. ”

shuuzou shrugs, " that's for you to decide. i'll support you either way. " and he will. whether kazuya decides to completely throw him off guard and publish poetry / or if he'll go down the path that he wants and plays music - or turns his poems into songs. he has shuuzou's full support. " does it matter what you use to think ? " harsh / but honest. " we all change and grow and ideas and thoughts develop as we are hurt, or love, or grow. you're still you - just with more experience -- these things that you use to write about, your pain, and your pleasures, and the small and big things -- you learn from them. you grow from them. idealistic ideas are just that. that kid, those thoughts, are still there. you're still five, and six, and seven, and eight, and so forth, just as you are nineteen. that's still in you. " he blinks, as words digest, " that you weren't real after you stopped writing ? like -- you felt alive when you wrote or you felt alive after you stopped writing ? " clarifying, because shuuzou doesn't understand.

[sociieties]

hoani moves again, slowly sliding out of the seat to wedge herself between rangi and shuuzou, rangi’s phone now in her hand as she swipes through pictures commenting on everything and everyone. ( according to her, everyone in rangi’s band is pretty, especially jay, who’s pretty like a girl. according to her, luli, jay, and yuki are all very small, too. )

“ you guys are stroking his ego, ” rangi chimes in, looking over what hoani’s up to. gaze flickers towards kazuya, who’s trying and failing to stop grinning. kazuya, upon being called out, only begins laughing more.

“ you’re just jealous. ”

“ of? ” rangi scoffs playing. “ you? yeah okay, as if you don’t want to be me so badly it makes you look stupid. ”

kazuya, in turn, laughs harder.

mahina nods along, looking from shuuzou, to husband, then down at rangi, a worried frown gracing her lips for a moment. “ i see. ” after a moment, she pulls away from malosi to sit up straight. “ when rangi first left, we didn’t know what happened, or where he went, or why. ” upon hearing his name, rangi leans forward, tapping shuuzou’s screen to wake the settings, promptly muting the call as his mother continues. “ so i— ” malosi nudges her, “ — we spent a lot of time worrying and wondering where he went. if he was okay, if people would be okay with him, for who and what he is. ”

“ can we not talk about this right now? ” rangi asks, soft but stern. his head tilts, actively choosing to not look at his mother, eyes on father instead. “ i went to see awa, nothing about that is new. ”

“ you didn’t say anything, that was the issue. she didn’t say anything, either, ” malosi explains.

rangi shakes his head, deciding it didn’t matter. “ i wouldn’t willingly stay in a place that would look me in my face and told me it was illegal to be gay. ”

“ rangi— ” both parents call, one offended, the other not so much.

“ i was born here, that’s different. ”

shuuzou's head tilts as hoani starts her questions, a hand coming up to cover his laughter. " in her defense, zu is very pretty. " ryou scoffs, more amused than anything," of course he is. back off shuu, he's mine. " shuuzou waves off ryou, " yes but you've been in love with him since you were like two. you're biased. " " six ! " " same thing. you were babies. " " and he's my soulmate. " " he'd sell you to satan himself for me. " " fair. " shuuzou looks away from rangi when question is asked, cheeks puffing out and ryou chime-laughs at his expression. they'll explain, " you know og right -- my twin ? " at rangi's nod, " he's straight, " and happily married, " but before him and momoi-chan were together, he'd get teased about it, and our darling little shuu here, " ryou coo's, " all but made out with him for a few minutes in front of everyone. " shuuzou shrugs, he has no defense, attention falls on mahina and shuuzou see-saws his head, as he leans forward. " it's getting better. " he says in her native tongue, before he switches to japanese, unsure how to expand on what he's saying, " japan has passed some anti-discrimination laws, but each prefecture has it's own -- thing about it. same-sex couples can't get married but they can get a partnership form in some areas. a lot of our politicians are lgbt despite little political laws being passed in support. " he switches back to samoan, " most of japan is okay with gay, but there are --- " brows furrow as he tosses a look at rangi, unsure --- so he switches to english, " bigots everywhere, so harassment is still a thing. " a shrug. " it's not as bad as america though. " a hand raises, " but homosexuality has been documented since the very beginning of japan, with one of our gods servants. when japan tried to westernize itself, that's the time frame that it became looked down upon. it was only criminalized however, in the years of 1872-1881, so there's no chance of being arrested for being gay, or any other orientation. "

[sociieties]

" demanding... " kazuya's playfully throwing his hands up, finally finding a space to sit back down. " yeah, yeah, " he's now waving best friend off, " i will. i promise. "

" it's just a refrigerator, " makoto parrots, clearly judging the phrasing, " as if you haven't been picky about every single thing. i get it -- i do, but you're one to talk. " he then looks back towards shuuzou, almost snorting. " i have a sense of humor. "

" a shitty one. "

" it's about three ticks above yours, kazuya. "

" fair enough. "

moving on, " i bet she ended up going off to tell her friends how you think she should focus on herself or something. " last he checked, children are just like that. he shrugs afterwards, " gotta love catching something in your youth just for it to try taking you out the game in adulthood, right? yeah, if it wasn't that, then it was pneumonia, or the flu, or the flu that was disguised as the common cold. "

kazuya sucks his teeth, almost worried. " dude, how are you still alive? "

" spite. i might have a weak immune system, but if i wasn't going to let pneumonia, of all things, be the thing to actually kill me. "

mockingly, " you'll miss me when i'm gone, blah blah blah. take pictures for me while you're gone. " eyes roll as he finishes his coffee. ( he will / but who is he not to be dramatic as well. ) ryou shrugs, and shifts in their chair, pulling up legs to tuck underneath each other, and rearranging blanket over legs. " yes, well. " he has no defense. tatsuya nods, " it was just a refridgerator. there's plenty of them that we can get from other manufacturers. " he dips to press kiss against makoto's crown. shuuzou shrugs, " you think i understand what they tell me ? " brow raises, " mako, you've gained a sense of humor i see. " lips quirk as he dips his head to the table, and let chin rest against wood, " kiumeko spent half her lunch in my office the other day talking about a boy and whether she should ask him out or wait for him to ask her out, because, " he air quotes here now, " girls can ask out guys now, coach ! "' his eyes roll, " as if i didn't watch satsuki ask out tetsuya or og consistently back when we were in school. " " what'd you tell her ? " " that she should be studying and not worrying about boys. " tatsuya snorts, before attention drifts to kazuya, " he got it in america. he spent like a year and a half sick. " shuuzou shifts, and looks towards makoto, " reoccurring bronchitis ? "

[sociieties]

“ probably. ” he doesn’t know / doesn’t remember. his poems, when he wrote them, were for him and him along, his music — created to be consumed, but not quite yet. it’s missing something, rather he is. “ i might do something with it one day. ” be it the poems or the songs, he’s yet to have decided and kazuya chooses to not think too much about it in the moment. it’s something he’ll deal with when the time comes, when his mind isn’t so consumed with a drowning misery as it currently is. “ i don’t know what i used to think, ” blind dedication to words on papers that kazuya had all but completely forgot about. how stupid the past version of himself was. heart squeezes over the unknown, quietly aching as he thinks of a forgotten past. “ maybe that it’d help. ” it didn’t. “ or that i’d remember. ” he didn’t. “ but all i got is this feeling that i didn’t exist until after i stopped writing. ”

" don't you dunno me, zu. you can lie to yourself, but not me. " brow raises carefully, but he allows it to be dropped. shuuzou's head tilts in his direction, back turning towards books now that he knows what he was going after. " i think that's bullshit. " blunt. a shrug, before he sits back down too. " it's like your music isn't it ? i may not know much, but it definitely has some of those vibes. " he tucks a leg underneath, and he rolls his neck. kazuya's been through pain / angst / storms -- his whole life. his -- teacher ? -- told him to write from a different direction. shuuzou hums, eyeing kazuya for a moment. " you hold onto too much, " big words from shuuzou who does the same. " your memory may be shit, " frankly, it's true, " but penning things down like this keeps things real. you know what i think ? " he bulldozes on, uncaring whether kazuya wants to hear or not, " that if you came back to them, the things that happened during your first year at kd, or second, or third, then it's real. those things actually happened. "

[sociieties]

kazuya says nothing, only slowly turning away from the bookshelf, leaning his back against it as he lifts a leg to rest his cheek into knee. reluctantly, he gives a soft shrug, eyes slowly closing as he opts to not think about it. ( him? a romantic? yes, and it’s wasted so constantly that he wishes it were not the case. ) “ dunno…. ”

he yawns, tears pricking at water line before he turns his head the opposite way, now facing soulmate as he flips through different books in search of something kazuya isn’t privy to. whatever it is, when it’s found, kazuya settles for shrugging again. “ at first — ” because there’s always a beginning, “ i just chose not to. ” but that was years ago, some blur between middle school and high and now he barely knowns the difference between three years ago and four. it’s all the same to him, all some foggy field he doesn’t know how he wondered into. “ then there was nothing worth writing about. or things just happened so quickly. time…. ” he huffs out a breath, “ dunno. ”

" not really, no. " a shrug, " but you're a romantic deep inside aren't you ? " gaze is steady as he stares at best friend. ( this, kazuya cannot deny as much as he wants too. kazuya too, is dreamy in his own way, when he's allowed to be such. lips quirk as he thinks about a tiktok trend he's seen recently -- and mentally assigns kazuya as both the 'okokokokok' person and the 'lalalalalala' person. head tilts as he nods. he agrees with kazuya, that not everything should fall on ryou's shoulders - or vice versa. ( they should learn how to share. it's strange, shuuzou thinks, remembers makoto telling him years or so ago about how kazuya and ryou have a problem with letting people in their orbit. ) shuuzou opens the book in his hand again, casually flipping through the pages -- childish writing, nothing more; before he stands and looks at the other books, that kazuya had waved him too. he picks one, flips through -- and puts it back before picking up another and repeating the pattern, until he sees kazuya's writing straighten out, more in line with kazuya's writing now. " it's been a while since you've written, " he says, after noticing the last date - " 's there a reason why or you just can't get the mojo to write ? uninspired ? "