#guys please I think I have nearly 200 of the suckers

[intotheelliwoods]

B-Grades are up on Etsy!

Oh my GOSH please adopt some, I have so many! I cannot feed this many Tarts!

First 45 orders for these guys are getting a bonus sticker!

[ineffablecolors]

Number 6? Or number 11? I’m always a sucker for when Emma’s grinchy heart grows three sizes as she discovers Killian really isn’t an asshole.

Thank you, anon! This is definitely not finished but I’m too excited to share it and hear what you guys think. Sooo probably expect part 2 toward the end of the week :D 

I’m doing winter prompts from here. If you like them, check out ‘Tis The Season and if you really really like them, check out my brand new book which also contains a selection of Christmas stories. :))

11. you’re the asshole of our group and we don’t get along, but then i find out you make soup for the local shelter

you’re such an assh- oh. [Part 1] [Part 2]; ~ 3, 200 words; FF.NET || AO3

“Love, you know Isteer clear of all that.”

Emma suppresses theurge to roll her eyes at his deep timbre, the way he rolls the word “love”around and flutters his eyelashes slightly – all obviously meant to charm MaryMargaret and let him have his way. As always.

“Oh, come on, Killian.You can let me have this one. It’s just a fortune, you don’t even have to showit to us.”

Jones sighs as ifdrawing a fortune slip out of the Christmas hat MM has been thrusting at eachof them in turn is the biggest sacrifice he has ever been asked to make. Emmafeels only slightly petty about the way she pointedly strides over and plungesher hand into the red felt.

Truth be told, Emmaisn’t the biggest fan of MM’s numerous Christmas activities either – the SecretSanta, the cookie exchanges, the ostentatious dinners, and now the Christmasfortunes, but there are few things she will not do for the sake of her bestfriend. There are also few things she will not do to spite Killian Jones.

If the way he doesn’t suppress his eyeroll at heractions is anything to go on, he knows it too.

“What did ya get, Ems?Please, let it be one of the saucy ones I wrote!” Ruby somehow manages to clapwith the glass of wine in her hand.

Emma pulls the pieceof paper out of its miniature envelope and groans at how many times it’s folded�� by the time she has managed to get it all smoothed out Ruby is making dyingnoises.

“Alright, alright. Iswear this is made for people with miniature fingers. Here – A selfless good deed is the thing to make aheart sweet.”

This time she doesn’tsuppress her eyeroll. Her only consolation is that Ruby huffs in displeasureand drops back into her armchair, clearly displeased with Emma’s less than “saucy”fortune.

“Oh, that’s lovely,Emma!”

She puts on a smilefor Mary Margaret’s sake and looks back at the piece of paper. She has nodesire to “sweeten” her heart but doing a good deed over the holidays doesn’tsound like such a bad idea actually. Truthfully, Emma feels a little bad abouthow impersonal most of her holiday “good deeds” have been. She usually donatesto some organization aiding homeless people and sends some presents to anorphanage of her choice – both close to her heart, but she has never actuallygone and gotten involved personally. Maybe this will be the year.

She is drawn out ofher thoughts by the little jingle of the Santa hat that Mary Margaret is nowliterally shoving in Jones’ face. If the guy wasn’t such an asshole, Emma wouldactually sympathize with him.

“Come on, Killian.”

Especially when MMbreaks out her most winning smile. It’s as effective as Jones’ charms, if notmore so. Not that those have ever worked on Emma.

Honestly, she has noidea how such an arrogant man as Killian Jones wormed his way into the friendcircle of people such as David and Mary Margaret Nolan, Belle French and GrahamHumbert. Sure, she and Ruby aren’t without their thorns but their places in thegroup were solidified by their statuses – hers as Mary Margaret’s best friendand Ruby’s as Belle’s girlfriend, and they are always willing to take part inany group activities and eager to be with their self-made family.

The same cannot besaid about Killian Jones. Sure, he is a friend of David’s but he seems toaccept their invitations about as often as he turns them down. He never takes part in the Secret Santa. Henever hosts movie nights at hisplace. He rarely joins on day trips.He rarely joins them for dinnercelebrations, choosing to slink in when they are already at the bar instead. Hehas even missed a birthday party on occasion. Emma – with how much this groupof people means to her – thinks he is not nearly as appreciative as he shouldbe of how David has allowed him into their family and how they continue toinvite him to everything despite his flakiness.

At least he got overhimself enough to draw a fortune. Mary Margaret is positively beaming at him.Emma is trying to put a limit on her eyerolls allowance for the evening.

“Well, what does itsay?”

Jones seems startledby her question. His cough is incredibly uncomfortable and he looks around asif—

“Would you mind, love?”

He extends the littleenvelope toward Mary Margaret and she and Emma both look confused for a moment.MM seems to get with the program much faster.

“Oh, of course!”

She thrusts the hatwith the rest of the fortunes at Emma and takes Jones’ fortune. It’s only whenher slim fingers work their way into the small envelope and start on thetedious process of unfolding the tiny slip of paper that Emma realizes that’s apretty not one-hand job.

“Do you want me toread it out loud?”

Killian shrugs.

“If you wish.”

Mary Margaret looksdown at the fortune and Emma has just enough time to get confused by the slightblush that quickly works its way into her cheeks before MM glances at Ruby andit becomes clear that Killian has drawn one of Ruby’s “saucy” fortunes.Figures.

“Ummm,” MM swallowsand passes it to him and Emma is shocked to see that whatever is on the pieceof paper makes even Jones’ ears turn a little bit pink.

He stuffs the fortuneinto his back pocket and he and MM share a look that obviously swears them bothto secrecy in seconds. Emma’s curiosity is warring with her desire to show nointerest to the extend that she even considers sneaking the thing out ofKillian’s back pocket. Which she will never do. Of course not.

“More wine, Ems?”

“Eh.”

With obviousreluctance she holds her glass toward Ruby and one of the bottles of red Jonesbrought. Emma is not a snob. Not by a long shot. But Killian Jones has trulyhorrendous taste in wine. Or, more likely, he truly cannot be bothered to pickand buy a good one. It’s just another little thing that shows her how little hecares about the group of people who have welcomed him so warmly.

Emma has spent ashocking amount of time thinking about ways to fulfill her fortune. She hassettled on getting more involved with the two initiatives that she generallyjust donates money to. So three weeks before Christmas she finds herself at ashelter in a less than thriving neighbourhood, dressed in her oldest jeans anda dark hoodie under her thick winter jacket.

“Hello, may I helpyou?”

Emma looks at theblonde woman before her and her first thought is that she looks like she isrunning a law firm rather than a shelter’s kitchen. Her hair is pulled backinto an immaculate braid and her white sweater is absolutely spotless. Emmafeels like it’s mocking the safety of her hoodie.

“Hi, I’m Emma? Icalled beforehand to ask when you might need volunteers?”

“Oh, yes, Emma! Thankyou so much for coming! We’re still setting up in the kitchen but I canintroduce you to everyone and show you to the station. We should be opening inanother 15 minutes or so,” the woman gives a brisk nod and starts walking. “Oh,I’m Elsa, by the way.”

By the look and soundof Elsa, Emma is sure they will be opening in exactly 15 minutes.

“So, tonight you’ll bemanning the station with Leroy – he is a veteran here so if you have anyquestions, he will know the answer.”

The short man givesElsa a nod while Emma just receives a suspicious once-over.

“Don’t let the scowlfool you, he is here every Christmas and will never refuse to show you theropes,” Elsa assures her and continues on, deaf to Leroy’s grumbling behindthem. “My sister Anna and her fiancé Kristoff should be joining you any minute. They have the bad habit ofcutting it pretty close quite often.”

Elsa’s pursed lips arenot exactly frightening but they sure don’t invite one to consider tardiness avirtue. Emma would be more put off but she considers that it probably takes astrong hand to organize and run such a thing.

“And don’t worry – ifthey are a bit late, Killian will come out to help you start off.”

Killian? Wha-

“Jones?!”

The guy stirring theenormous pot of soup gives a little jump and whirls around, the spoon in hishand splashes a little and Elsa must have put some sort of magical protectionon her sweater because it remains miraculously white and spotless despite herproximity to the stove.

“Swan?!”

“I see I don’t have tomake introductions here,” Elsa seems pleased by this development.

Emma is still stuck onthe fact that Killian Jones is makingsoup at a homeless shelter.

“So I’d say you candirect any questions at Killian. He has just as much experience as Leroy and heis much nicer to newcomers. Or justmuch nicer, period.”

Elsa laughs for thefirst time since Emma met her. Killian seems uncomfortable with praise for thefirst time since Emma met him. Emma has no clue what is happening and beforeshe can truly absorb it all Elsa waves at some place where the aprons are keptapparently and floats out, leaving her alone in the small kitchen with the lastman she expected to find there.

“You’d better grab oneof those before you get started, Swan. Can get quite messy after a couple ofhours.”

“What are you doinghere?”

She cringes a little.That was a bit too accusatory when asking why someone is being charitablearound Christmas.

“Same as you, I’mguessing.”

She looks at KillianJones and tries not to think that she is seeing him for the first time. It’shard though – especially when the tension in his shoulders is clear as day andshe can tell that his tongue is running restlessly over his lips even though hehas turned his attention back to his soup. The soup that he apparently made.That he often makes. For the homeless.

“You do this?”

His shoulders do thisrippling thing and now they are tight with another kind of emotion.Frustration, if she has to guess. Emma is surprised at how well she can readKillian’s emotions right now.

“It’s not the Ritz,Swan. You can chop some vegetables and stir some soup even with one hand.”

That’s not what—

“That’s not what I mea—“

“You meant why I’mdoing something other than throwing back beers and flirting my way into women’spanties for a change?”

She opens her mouth.Then she closes it again. Well, it kinda is what she meant, she just didn’tthink he—

“Yes, I’m well-awareof what you think of me. I’m sure finding Graham or David here wouldn’t havebeen such a shock.”

No, it wouldn’t have.But the bitterness in his tone is almost as much of a shock as his presence.

“I just—“

She is really not surewhat she would have said, she is really grateful for the girl that suddenlystorms in – Anna she will soon learn – chattering a mile a minute.

“Oh, you must be Emma!”

Somehow, in the spanof a second, Anna manages to introduce herself, give her a quick and veryunexpected hug, whirl around, kiss Killian on the cheek and whirl back aroundin time to introduce Emma to her fiancé.

“You should really puton a—“

“Here,” Killian thruststhe worn apron into her hands and turns back to his soup.

Anna beams at Killian’sback, oblivious to the tension that still lingers in the room.

“Lesson number 1,Killian is a lifesaver, if you fuck up – spill something, burn yourself, cut yourself,just come here and he’ll fix you right up.”

Emma is almost certainthat Killian mutters something along the lines of “I’m sure she’d rather not”but Anna is already dragging her out the door and talking about how Elsa’sschedule is law and must be abided at all costs.

She spends three hoursladling out soup that Killian Jones made for the less fortunate. It gives herplenty of time to think about things. Or more like, to keep going in circles.As soon as she has convinced herself that she has wrongfully labeled KillianJones an asshole, the cynical voice in her head pipes up and insists that onegood deed does not a good person make. As soon as that happens, another smoothor wrinkled face beams at her as she hands them their full bowl.

The thing is that thisisn’t just “one good deed”. Killian is obviously an almost permanent fixturehere. Elsa, Anna and Kristoff obviously know him quite well and think nothingbut the best of him. Some of the people that come in even ask about himpersonally. Anna lets a particularly excited little boy back into the kitchenand Emma is pretty sure he was clutching a handmade Christmas card and—

Her cynical voice isreally losing this one.

She heads to the backto leave her apron and take her jacket, still lost in thought, convinced thatJones must have gone home by now and she has some time to consider what thehell she should say the next time she sees him.

“You can leave that overthere with the rest. Elsa will collect and wash them.”

She doesn’t yelp buther eyes almost pop out of her head. Thankfully, Jones has his back to her again,though he has now moved to the sink.

“Jesus. What are youstill doing here?”

He sighs and Emmamentally slaps herself. Maybe it’s time she stops questioning his presence.

“As I pointed outearlier, Swan, this is not the Ritz. The “chef” and the dishwasher are one andthe same.”

“I got that, I’m notsome spoilt princess that stumbled here by mistake, you know?”

“I’m not questioningwhy you’re here,” he says emotionlessly.

Right. That’s her job.

“I can help with theclean up before I take this off.”

She motions to herapron and before Killian can approve or disprove of her suggestion, she reachesfor one of the huge pots. That’s her first mistake. Her second one is assumingit’s empty.

“Shit!”

Water with bits ofvegetables spills all over the floor and her shoes. And her old jeans. Fuck.

“Bloody hell!”

“Shit! Sorry! Shit,shit!”

“Go find Elsa. She’llfind you a change of clothes.”

“I’ll clean this and—“

“Swan,” Killian fixesher with a serious look that looks surprisingly calm and not angry. “It’s notanywhere near warm in here. Go get changed, I’ll clean this up and we’ll getyou a cab.”

She opens her mouth toprotest but snaps it shut and actually does as she is told.

Killian finds heroutside ten minutes later – soaked jeans and all.

“Before you startberating me, Elsa had just left – some engagement with her aunt.”

Jones sighs and runs ahand through his messy hair. His hand is very pink, probably something to do withwashing a mountain of pots and ladles.

“And cabs seem to beallergic to this street.”

“The neighbourhood ingeneral,” he mutters and his hand reaches toward his hair again when Emma feelsthe full body shiver wrack through her.

Killian’s hand freezeshalf way up and he sighs in resignation and drops it back to his side.

“Come on, Swan.”

He starts walkingbefore she can so much as blink at him in confusion. Emma is only a little putout that she feels compelled to follow.

“Where are we going?”she asks as she catches up to him and tries to ignore the way the cold windplasters her wet jeans to her flesh.

“I live just aroundthe corner.”

“You do?”

Killian doesn’t sayanything.

It’s not a niceneighbourhood and it’s not a nice building. But Emma is much too cold toconsider much of anything until Killian Jones is waving her into his apartment.

“Sorry, it’s not—“ hedoesn’t finish, just waves his hand in the air and hurries to turn up the heat.

He really doesn’t haveanything to apologize for – the place is tidier than her apartment has everbeen. Everything seems to have its place and nothing is just thrown around eventhough it’s basically one room – his bed and wardrobe at the far wall with twoprecariously high columns of books instead of a nightstand, a worn couch and asmall IKEA table in the middle and a kitchen corner to her right.

It’s not exactlypleasantly warm inside but Emma is not numb with cold anymore. She is awareenough to read the new tension that has settled on Killian’s shoulders. Not thestrange and unfamiliar one that Elsa’s praise put there earlier but one thatEmma is a bit more acquainted with – the one that always seems to fall over himwhen he is faced with some task that he cannot perform one-handed. Shame.

“I think these willalmost fit you.”

She snaps her headaround and looks down at the sweatpants that Killian is holding out to her.

“You can…” he waves atthe only door in the apartment that probably leads to the bathroom. “I’ll tryto get you a cab or an Uber.”

“Thanks, I—“ she lookshelplessly between him and the sweatpants, then she takes them and feels a bitsilly over the way she clutches them in front of her chest. “Thanks.”

His bathroom is justas spotless as the rest of the place and just as small and sparsely decorated.Emma puts down the toilet seat and leaves her jacket, wallet and phone on itbefore she bends down to unzip her boots.

She cringes at themuddy footprints that she has left on the blue tiles.

“Great.”

Is it something abouttonight in particular or has she always been the worst? Now, Jones isdefinitely never inviting them to—

The position shefreezes in must be comical to an outsider. In her socks, trying to avoid herown muddy footprints, one hand tugging the wet jeans off one leg and the otherclutching at the sink. It’s not comical to Emma. Emma is too busy having anepiphany about Killian Jones.

Killian Jones whoregularly helps out at a homeless shelter. Killian Jones who lives in a smallapartment in a bad neighbourhood. Killian Jones who never hosts movie nights. KillianJones who never takes part in the Secret Santa. Killian Jones who never joins themfor dinner in the kinda trendy restaurants that Ruby makes them spurge for fromtime to time. Killian Jones with the busy schedule. Killian Jones with thecheap wine.

Fuck.

“Fuck.”

[clown-bait]

A Very Monster Christmas (Monster Roommate AU) PT4

Jesus fuck its been awhile. Believe it or not I actually have 3 whole chapters written including the conclusion to the christmas series so hopefully when I finish one more in between chapter I can actually post weekly again. Think of it like constipation but for writing.

PT4 The Weather Outside is Frightful

“No.”

“Penny please I'm so bored and you could use the babysitting practice.” Leech bravely took her eldritch's gloved hands in her own. The clown was not moved.

“I just saved you three days ago. You are not to leave.”

The nosferatu frowned and dropped his hands. “You know I'm just going to find a way out anyway.” she grinned at him smugly while Pennywise's upper lip twitched over his fangs in annoyance.

“You try my patience little thing” he growled and moved closer to her till she could feel hot puffs of air on her cold cheeks.

“I'm not going alone anyway Fred, Chucky and Drac are coming with me.”

The clown’s eyes narrowed into slits “That makes it worse.”

“Junior let the blood sucker get some fresh air for crying out loud.” Uncle Penny groaned as he turned to Leech’s mom. “I swear he is the biggest drama queen you should have seen him when he woke up the guy put on the biggest tantrum.”

Pennywise snarled and turned to his elder half baring his fangs in warning.

“If you want me to stop then cut the theatrics kiddo.” the elder clown huffed and quickly motioned for the group to leave.

Leech was mostly out the door by the time Pennywise registered she had slipped out “Bye Love don't eat Chucky’s kids!” she called out to him as the old door slammed behind her. The clown’s eyes were alarming red and yellow facing completely different directions. Before he could react to being tricked he felt a harsh tug on the puff of his pantaloons.

“All right Jingles, your baby mama asked me to give you a crash course on how to not completely fuck up your family and my mother always said the best way to learn is to try it yourself.” Tiff began as she pulled the massive creature back into the living room. “Now I want you to sit down with Glen and Glenda and have a nice little chat with them.”

“Oh this ought to be amazing!” Uncle Penny laughed and got comfortable in his seat to watch the show.

-----

“So what's the plan boys local bar? Convenience store? I'm partial to crashing a house party myself.” The vampire said turning around to her ghoulish companions.

“I dunno Fangs whatevers closest its fuckin freezing out here” Freddy pulled his trench coat tighter. Dracula lagged behind slightly uncomfortable with the implications of their outing. Chucky who was being generously carried by Leech called out to him.

“Come on Drac you're lagging behind and getting laid takes time. We ain't got all night!”

“This is very generous of all of you but I do not need-”

“Yeah 200 years is a long enough of a dry spell dude, come on you helped me get my man I'm gonna help you.” Leech shouted over him as she pushed through some deeper snow.

“Woah there fangs let's not push through the deep stuff in a snow storm.” The doll gripped his friend tighter

“I'm leading this hunting party dont like it you can walk.” The vampire stated simply and pushed onward through the field.

“Yeah great idea to take a short cut into town through deep snow Fangs!” Freddy huffed.

“Well the three of you wouldnt let me take the trees and roof tops.” Leech grumbled and continued to push onward.

“Fangs do I look like I was built to Spiderman around? Good Guy dolls are made for hugs not acrobatics and you're too clumsy anyway.” Chucky grumbled while clinging to his friend.

“I've gotten better!” Leech shouted and Dracula coughed.

“Eh debatable apprentice.”

“Oh yeah and when's the last time you actually instructed me on anything” the younger vampire growled.

“Well after you cancelled the last three times to as you so artfully put it, marathon with your lover, I assumed you were far too busy for things like learning to survive.” a dark color tinted the nosferatu's cheeks as she nearly tripped in the deep snow.

“One of those times was for a legitimate movie marathon ok!”

“Yeah that ended in the other kind.” Freddy added.

“So what if my sex life is healthy.”

“Excessive is a bit more like it.” the doll grumbled.

“Ok Pen and I both have big appetites it works out.” Leech led her friends out of the deep snow as Freddy snorted.

“Yeah I'll say! Vampires man you all are in a constant state of horny I swear.”

“Excuse you flatmate!” the elder vampire called out in offense.

“Yeah you're not one to talk you told me all about your adventures before the “Mina” incident. Didn't you bang her friend in the form of a wolf or something?”

“DO NOT SPEAK OF HER NAME”

“Do you need to hold Chucky again Drac? He said it himself he's good for hugs.” Leech sneered holding her friend out as he thrashed angrily.

“Hug me and I'll remove your eyeballs!”

“Hey if I squeeze you tight enough will you say the catch phrase?” the vampire hugged the enraged doll despite his warning. Chucky went eerily still.

“Fangs if you weren't filled with a murderous fear God’s kids you'd be dead right now” he snarled. Leech laughed at the empty threat and patted her belly.

“Gotta love my little security blankets! I wonder how he's doing.”

“My guess is terribly.” the dream demon chuckled.

“I want to say I have faith in my mate but seeing how they're Chucky's kids...you're probably right.” leech sighed and stretched as they finally walked into town. Chucky straightened himself back out as his feet touched the ground.

“Just an fyi fangs you're paying for the therapy.”

------

“Whys your head so big?”

Pennywise grunted in response. He sat cross legged on the floor in front of two children who stared up at their natural predator with wide eyes. The little boy crawled forward.

“Are you an oni?”

“A what?”

“An oni”

“Kid wants to know if you're a demon junior.” the senior Pennywise shouted.

“I am much more than a simple demon child!” the clown snarled with malice

“Yeah yeah eater of worlds, be nice Jingles or I'll make sure you can't have any more kids” Tiffany growed as she sharpened a knife.

“You cant possibly kill me doll.”

“Wasnt talking about killing you” the dolls mother slammed the blade into the coffee table. The clown's golden eyes grew wide for a moment as Leech's mom gently spoke up.

“Pennywise try a more friendly approach with them!”

“HAHAHAHAH Sally baby I've been telling him that for 200 years. It's like menacing asshole is in his DNA.” his older self cackled nearly falling out of his seat.

“Thanks for making me a hit with the in law.” The younger clown grumbled under his breath.

“Why is your eye messed up?” glenda leaned forward crossing her eyes to imitate the clown who began to growl low as red tinted his irises.

“You're lucky I'm dieting”

“And Fangs is lucky you still have a functioning dick right now.” Tiffany warned as Sally cringed.

“Can we not talk about my daughter like that”

“Yeah uh how much do you know about your daughter dollface” Uncle Penny's fingers wrapped around the witch as he pulled his cigar out of his mouth.

“She takes after her father”

“I'm tempted to ask but I think Jingles is about to have a major breakthrough in positive child interaction”

“Mister Pennywise can I touch your nose?” Glen asked eyes wide

“Uh…” the clown glanced up at his companions who all enthusiastically motioned for him to agree. “All right child.” the clown craned his body close to what he usually considered an appetizer. Glen reached forward his small hand touching first the clowns nose then his cheek running his thumb on the smooth clay like skin.

“Its not paint?”

Penny blinked at the question. “No. It is not.”

“It feels like paint though how are you doing that?”

“I can do many things child.” the corner of the monsters lips tugged up with a ghost of a warm smile. This one wasn't so bad, it asked many questions but he could tolerate it. He could tolerate it till its sister began to speak.

“Can you make a balloon animal?”

“Oh course I can” Pennywise smiled wide and reached behind his back pulling out a giraffe

“Not with your tricks do it for real”

Pennywise stared at the little girl completely motionless. He didn't actually know how to make a balloon animal. His his uncle elbowed what be considered to be his mother-in-law with wicked excitement.

“Well? Can you do it or not?” the child asked impatiently.

“I..”

“Jeeze what kind of clown doesn't know how to make a balloon animal.”

Pennywise lunged forward teeth first “NO! I mean I can. I can do anything, I am all powerful and I can easily entertain two little brats.”

“Yeah right you're boring I can do better tricks than you!” Glenda sneered right back in the predators face.

“Oh boy here we go.” Tiff sighed and handed her son to Leatherface while moving to grab her daughter. “Glenda sweetie leave the clown alone.”

Pennywise glared at the child and snarled “Like what.”

“Like this.” Glenda shouted pulling a small knife from her pocket and stabbed the clown in the eye. Pennywise let out a horrible roar muffling the cackling from his older self as Tiffany dragged her daughter out of the grasp of the rampaging clown.

“I'm not paying for therapy.” she sighed as she dragged her kid out of the room.

---

The four monsters pressed onward into town the rising wind kept the wiser safe in their homes. These four were not among that category. Freddy wiped some frozen ice off his scarred skin and paused outside of the general store after seeing the “closed” sign hanging in the doorway. Up ahead of him Chucky groaned.

“Ugh this trip was pointless we're not gonna find anything open.”

“Then let's break in somewhere Drac can do a hypnosis trick or something.” Leech growled a bit her hunger getting to her as her mentor rolled his eyes.

“You could too if you practiced more.”

“Do you want me to help you get your dick wet or not Dracula.” the younger vampire hissed.

“Are you implying that I need help? My dear you realize I have seduced thousands of women.”

“And yet none of them stuck around.” the dream demon chuckled while elbowing his companions.

Dracula swore loudly in his mother tongue as his companions turned heel down an alley.

“Some of them were murdered!” he called after them then pulled his coat tighter hiding his dark cheeks. Dracula breathed in deep to sigh before proceeding forward when something caught his nose. It was musty, damp and beastial with a hint of the forest. The realization hit him too late….They had been followed.

[mommalosthermind]

My evil monsters decided to play with the Switch at the ass crack of dawn, because we are idiots who thought we could leave it where it belongs instead of having to hide things from a 5, 6 and 8 year old. Who all know better. (Okay, so, the 5 and 8 year old know better, but the 6 year old totally thought they wouldn’t rat him out, so. Lmao like we wouldn’t notice oh my god this child of mine why)

Except, they did not play on their file, nooooo.

Which means they fucked around on Himself’s file long enough to murder the giant horse and break a sword, which, thankfully, himself could just reload a prior save and undo all that nonsense. Himself is still irritated, because he’s actually beaten the stupid game and has put like 200 hours into it and and... you know what fuck him, he had all the good shit, I’m still screwing around with the Zora I DIDN”T EVEN HAVE GOOD SHIT WTF

But he finds it *hilarious* that they were on mine for fucking ever (to be fair, he thinks me dressing the kids down in monotone is hilarious and is not so secretly pleased he got off so lightly)

BECAUSE MOMMA’S FILE IS FUCKING WASTED. Can’t go back far enough to even begin to undo this hot mess. Aaaaaall of my weapons? Gone. Kids: But we got you the skeleton arm thing! And like, five torches!

Bows? GONE. Kids: Nah uh, see, that wooden one is there! That’s great guys, except it’s half broken and does 4 damage and I had six metal bows that did like, 50. So. What did you DO HONESTLY HOW

Shields? Unsuprisingly fine because shields are, evidently, for suckers.

Miscellaneous items? They blew nearly a thousand rupees on the most random food items. Why do I have 16 milk? I don’t know and neither do they. But uh, I also have like, three bomb arrows so. I’m wondering how many, exactly, they bought. ALL OF MY APPLES ARE GONE. I had, for the record, like 150 apples. WHERE DID THEY GO.

Kids: but look, we cooked you some stuff! See? I made that for you!

Guys. Guys. Just. Oh my god. Also? Pretty sure I died. Um. Repeatedly.

H O R S E S???? I had two. They, thankfully, are unharmed. HOWEVER. I have aquired three (ugly fucking things honestly) that I.. did...not get, and they’re named things like 11sddfsk and qqurrtyes and... I managed to swap the other one out so i dunno, probably lksadjg. Kids: Now you have lots!

Which means, while I was flipping through and accessing damage and using the most monotone voice I can manage to say shit like, “That’s great babe, but I can’t really help the fish-people with the angry elephant when the only weapon I have is a stick. Also, if you wanted all these things, you could have done them on your file. Which you have. And it is yours. Becasuse it’s for you. With your stuff. Instead of making it nearly impossible for momma to play her own game,” Himself was legit shoving his face into the couch to muffle his giggles because he is an asshole.

I am 100% debating killing his horse again, because I am also an asshole.

((The switch has a new home. And the kiddos don’t get to play for a while. At the end of the day, it’s a game, and I don’t really give a fuck if my imaginary sword stash is scattered to the four winds, but they were just so?? Fucking?? Earnest?? And desperately trying to spin it like they’d done me a faVOR AND I CANNOT))

(((Im totally killing his fucking horse tho. And maybe getting a new one that I can name Little Bitch. It’ll fit right in with his horses, Eff U Up and Fuckass. Because healthy, long lasting relationships are all about GETTING EVEN lmfao)))

[thatsmygvn]

since i think it’ll take a miracle for me to get back into the twd fandom i wanted to share my desus prompt masterlist w u guys. it’s a combination of lyrics, quotes, and general prompts/aus. 

as far as the lyric prompts are concerned, they might not make much sense to you guys but i initially saved them for my own reference anyway? but still, this is everything i’ve got and i hate to think that im just sittin on this list when i know i’m not gonna do anything with it 

LYRICS:

So no, I'm not afraid to see these suckers hold a blade to me; ain't a way to shake the ground I built before you came to be. Take it how you take it, I'm the opposite of vacancy. (wastelands, linkin park)

Take in your chemicals that make me cling to you; You are a miracle I gotta stay with you; And I'm not spiritual but please stay 'cause you're a glimpse of bliss, a little taste of heaven. (st. patrick, pvris)

You make your way into my veins, course right through my limbs and dig your way into my brain; So in the second that you walk into a room, I can't help myself from the things that you do. (smoke, pvris)

You're just a ghost of blissful feelings, a cloud of smoke that I keep breathing; An illusion, I'm losing you to the games in my mind. I see your face, an apparition, but now it's changed, shape shifting; Don't wanna open my eyes. (smoke, pvris)

You were a walking, talking, corpse at best, and I swear I couldn't wait to get you off my chest. When you asked us why we couldn't look you in your eyes, well, it's hard to find life in something that's already died. (fire, pvris)

I don't know how you got into me, down my throat and made a home in my veins. (stay away from my friends, pierce the veil)

Can I just have one more taste just to make it through the day? You're tangled in the great escape. I never meant to hurt nobody, no. I never meant to hurt you, no. I only meant to do this to myself. (the great escape, pierce the veil)

I've got so much to give, but I would kill just to feel less invisible, and you've got so much to learn about gravity, so live it up baby, don't look down. (the first punch, pierce the veil)

Another kiss like a fire on pavement; We'll burn it down till the end. This is a wasteland, my only retreat. With heaven above you, there's hell over me. The water is rusted, the air is unclean, and there for a second I feel free. This is a wasteland, my only retreat. (hell above, pierce the veil)

Imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls. We are the shadows screaming “take us now”; We'd rather die than live to rust on the ground. (king for a day, pierce the veil)

I'm gonna tear out the thread one by one from your skin 'till your bones feel embarrassed by all the attention. (i don’t care if you’re contagious, pierce the veil)

I'm swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned, so don't apologize: I'm losing what I don't deserve (burning in the skies, linkin park)

I came in the ring like a dog on a chain and then found out the underbelly's sicker than it seems. (when they come for me, linkin park)

And I'm just a student of the game that they taught me, rocking every stage and every place that they brought me. (when they come for me, linkin park)

We say “yeah” with fists flying up in the air, like we're holding onto something that's invisible there; 'cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear until we get it, forget it, and let it all disappear. (waiting for the end, linkin park)

When you've suffered enough and your spirit is breaking, you're growing desperate from the fight. Remember you're loved and you always will be. This melody will bring you right back home. (the messenger, linkin park)

I can't fall back, I came too far; Hold myself up and love my scars. (lost in the echo, linkin park)

Oh please (please, please) quit draggin’ my heart through them coals. Oh, please (please, please) stop trying to fix it ‘cause baby it’s broke. When it’s late at night and you call me ‘cause I’ve got another man fixing my blues, you should never, never worry ‘bout nothing, baby, because I’ll never love someone new the way I love you. (lil darlin, zz ward)

I hate to love you, I love to hate you, I just can’t shake you (lil darlin, zz ward)

PROMPTS:

Sleeping together. Hushed breathing and feather-light touches when one wakes before the other. Rolling over and unconsciously curling closer into each other because even when they sleep, they are in love.

wake up kisses pressed gently to the column of A’s neck or the underside of B’s jaw.

morning kisses; gentle and lazy, humming in contentment, limbs still tangled together, hands wandering over soft exposed skin.

“I can’t stand this person but I would die for them”

character A slowly falls in love with character B over the course of several years, realization hits them that they’ve been in love with B for a long time hits them like a truck

grumpy jerk and actual ray of sunshine are BFFs

cool badass is actually a giant fucking nerd (JESUS)

Person A, the more stoic/serious of the two, treating a severe injury that Person B sustained. Person B notices A’s hands shaking and tries to crack a joke, which only serves to send Person A bursting into tears over nearly losing B.

Person A of your OTP always wears baggy clothes that are too big for them. Person B does a good job of hiding their crush on them, until Person A shows up one day in clothing that actually fits.

Imagine your OTP where one is the Fully Functional Adult™ and the other has been living off of coffee and fruit snacks for three days straight.

AUs

kissed them as a distraction while stealing their wallet au

I always see you doing weird shit at ridiculous hours of the night and it makes me feel better because I do weird shit in the middle of the night too AU

The walls in this apartment building are really thin and I can hear you having mental breakdowns all the time are you okay? AU

You’re one of those annoying people who tries to make casual conversation all the time and brings people baked goods and stuff and I just want to mind my own business but somehow we end up being friends or something?? AU

we decided to go camping with a bunch of our friends on halloween and we’re telling ghost stories around the fire when we hear a sound come from the woods…turns out you just went to go pee, jesus, you scared us

“I twisted my ankle and you’re the only one here strong enough to carry me to the nurse’s office but we’re both really awkward” AU

Imagine your OTP running away from teachers/police/authorities and to hide in plain sight Person A grabs Person B and pushes them up against the wall and kisses them.

“I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital” AU

“we both like walking in the park at night and I think you’re a stalker so I accidentally attack you and give you a black eye sorry” au

“I’m a bartender and I have to cut you off after a certain amount because you’re drinking to forget your ex and I end up calling you a cab” au

QUOTES:

“I think I am / a better ghost / than I am / a human being” -Anksitet, dir. by Ingmar Bergman, as quoted by Mikko Kuorinki in Wall Piece with 200 Letters

“I think I could have loved you better than anyone, and I can’t stop making lists of all the times I almost told you that.” -Caitlyn Siehl

“And I understand. I understand why people hold hands: I’d always thought it was about possessiveness, saying ‘This is mine’. But it’s about maintaining contact. It is about speaking without words. It is about I want you with me and don’t go.” -anonymous

“Some nights I’m afraid of sleeping. I’m afraid that I might still feel as broken in the morning as I do staring into the blue of the midnight sky.” - Sandeep Sidhu

[ecotone99]

[MF]In the Shape of the Big Dipper

Celine had eyed me curiously while I paid for our lunch at the little grille we found in Charleston. I did spend a lot of money that day, but Celine acted like I was a drug lord or at the pink Caddy level of a pyramid scheme. I simply paid cash to keep better track of my spending, that’s all. Money, much like life, doesn’t last. You can’t keep either, so you must learn to spend both the way you want. I never had a red cent to theorize about until recently, much less a fortune of dirty money to move twelve hours away to avoid confronting. Here I was, though, hiding out in the boonies with nursing students, numbing myself with crab cakes and sweet grass baskets. Trusting Celine wasn’t the hard part— she was a good, Christian girl who didn’t believe in strangers, white shoes after Labor Day, or mole people. The problem was I hadn’t told anyone the truth yet— my parents are thrilled; they think I left to go to school. School is a joke, but I enjoy the curriculum and making my folks happy. I owed them that much; they left the beauty of Palermo, the Catholic Church, and the 20th century behind for me. My ex-fiancé, Rob, was just fine with it. He doesn’t know that I know he had an affair and isn’t so excited I’m moving on to bigger and better things. He screws his next-door neighbor every Saturday, the 35-year-old named Judy, with a hideous affinity for vintage bobble head Dobermans and flesh colored lipstick. His mother told me on my way in the night I left, told me I needed to kick the little bastard to the curb, so I obliged her. She was a wonderful mother.

As important as they all were, I didn’t belong to the Maple Street gang anymore. Diana was the catalyst to my new life. We got to know each other during her monthly check-ups. She

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was a patient of Dr. Hales, a sweet old man who’d traded Scarsdale balloon boobies, expressionless faces, and ski-slope noses for his beach house. Diana’s favorite thing was to make me uncomfortable, and if she could encourage my wild side, all the better. She often brought me coffee, offered me cocaine a time or two, and told Dr. H he wasn’t paying me enough every time she visited.

After Celine went home, I had some time to myself, so I began to tell myself the truth. Diana had come into the office for a checkup, after which I relented to a long-standing rain check to visit her apartment. She was a fine thief, something she had no doubt spent a long time perfecting, but I worked with the public.

“Please don’t steal the magazines,” I urged her.

“I paid for these, baby, this doctor charges me $500 just to talk,” Diana said.

“Well, they’re going to ask me what happened to them—I’ll be responsible for replacing them.”

“No, not okay, that’s arrogant and unfair. You’re just a kid and cannot possibly be expected to answer the phone, file papers, take a lunch break, then do the same thing until 5 o’clock while corralling unruly patients.”

“Are you making fun of me? I’m not stupid. I choose to be here and interact with the unruly patients, do my job, and find time to craft 200 Christmas cards by hand.”

“Big shit, I bet you never made a croquembouche while glancing up to make sure Pierre’s boogers didn’t fall into your nearly burning glaze.”

Page 3

“Is Pierre your boss?” I asked.

“Nobody has ever had that displeasure—he was my mentor and my friend. He died when AIDs had us all too scared to swap spit with anyone but WASPS.” Diana answered.

“The Princess of Wales wasn’t afraid. Have you seen Dallas Buyer’s Club?”.

“No, I refuse to see Matthew McConaughey in such a state.”

“It was pretty graphic—what are you always seeing Dr. Hales about anyway?”.

“That’s for me to suffer through and you to look at later when I leave, and you file it away.”

“I can’t look at your medical records, they’re all online now.”

“All the juicy stuff is. Since we’re doing personal questions, how long have you been married?”.

“I’m not, well, I hope he proposes soon. We’ve been together for a year, and I do everything I can to make him happy. He just seems so disinterested in me these days; I’m not really sure what to do if he doesn’t.”

“You’re making 200 Christmas cards and have no husband? You never fail to disappoint me, Greta. Come have a drink and read this Cosmo I’m taking home. You’ve been avoiding my invitation for years.”

I took a cab with Diana back to Manhattan after her appointment while my conscious and Changes by 2Pac blared in my head. We pulled up to a gorgeous brownstone that smelled like leather and rain. The first floor was all tile hallways lined in thick, pastel rugs with shiny, mahogany stairs-- her actual house was the next story up. Once we got in there, I sat down with my pack of smokes and decided I was going to stay for an hour, have a drink, and take 1 aspirin when I got home.

Page 4

Once I was settled, I rammed the business end of my flip-top box into the leg of Diana’s white director’s chair. I inadvertently bounced my curls and breasts, the latter nearly out of my shirt. I flipped the first cigarette I touched upside down, placing it back inside to pick another one, just like Pop- pop showed me. Diana noticed my ritual and nodded in approval.

“What’s up D?” I asked, sucking out my first draw.

“Well first, nice tits. Second, your options are now a sex lesson from me instead of the daft editors at Cosmopolitan or the greatest adventure of your young life.” Diana said.

“What’s more interesting than sex?” I responded, carefully tugging up my dress.

“Stamp collectors, the price of bananas, warts.” Diana said.

She walked over to the left of her living space, squinting to see the sunset out of the bright stained-glass window.

“I’m disappointed you didn’t pick the second option, Greta.”

“I don’t need another adventure, D. I’m already uncomfortable.”

“Your coming here is part of it, so just calm down. You won’t have to actually do much more, sweets.” Diana cooed.

“That croak in a bush thing you mentioned earlier sure sounded interesting.” I said as I surveyed her true crime selection. I noticed most were stolen library books, which seemed overly fitting.

Page 5

“You need professional help. Maybe this was a mistake.” Diana said.

“I don’t mean to be rude--I joke when I’m nervous.” I was enjoying myself more than I thought, but it was getting late. I’d had enough of deciphering these interactions for one day.

“I brought you here to give you something.” Diana turned on her heels and walked over to me. “Something I would give to my kid, save only for two facts: I cannot track him down, and I don’t have enough time to track him down. Either way, it will get passed on just as I received it: from strangers.

“You have a kid?” I asked.

“Yes, and I left him just like my parents left me, no family and no explanation but lots and lots of dough. Any more questions?” she said.

“Not right now. Except maybe for what exactly you want to give me?” I asked.

“More than you bargained for.” Diana said as she walked back to her window. She was squinting harder now, to see the stars through the thick smog.

I had worried when I got there that she was either going to kill me or seduce me. Although I think she could have easily done one, and certainly managed either, Diana didn’t bother me again until 2 days later: the Sunday after my visit to her, when I picked up the Times. She was dangling from a gaping hole where that stained-glass window had been, for all the world to see. No cat eyeliner, no hair, and wearing a suit. The glass on the ground below her had shattered in the shape of the Big Dipper.

Page 6

I excused myself from my parent’s breakfast table, taking page 6 and a lox bagel with me to my room. I wondered about a lot for the rest of the day, but the most unsettling of my ponders was the way D had looked. I knew she probably hadn’t started off as a lady, but I figured her masculine days had to have been far behind enough to disregard. I guess it made sense we got along, I was a sucker for complicated men.

I arrived early to work on Monday. Dr. Hales was also surprised that she’d killed herself, although he did admit he was not a psychiatrist. He’d spent Sunday much the same way I did as he had known her for a long time. Apparently, Diana used to be a Mr. David Dawson; her transition required hormone therapy when those medicines were not yet regulated. They caused a rare and aggressive cancer that would have killed her no later than Valentine’s Day. Dr. Hales was trying to reverse her damage, begging her to do chemo, but D had insisted on more hormones: male ones. My best guess was that D had too many regrets about transitioning, perhaps because it made her so sick. When it didn’t work, she killed herself. This was what I resigned myself to believe, and it made me feel better as well as it explained her strange behavior every step of the way.

For the first few weeks after D’s death, I worried about being questioned. I was the last one there, surely someone else knew that. The papers even called it a most unusual suicide, updating the public every so often on the charismatic chef who’d met a gruesome end before they eventually began to lose interest. On St. Patrick’s Day, I got a call from a guy who told me he was a lawyer who wanted me to meet him outside of Bay Ridge about a patient of Dr. Hales. He wouldn’t give any details, but I knew who it was about. Worst case scenario it was a setup to

Page 7

interrogate me about D’s death, best case it was information about her that further explained my narrative. I decided I would make an appearance, no matter how it shook out.

Finally, after 3 hours in gridlock, I arrived at a small, but clean hotel. The concierge handed me two credit card style keys. They unlocked the door to room 340, where I found no lawyer and no cops, but a short letter accompanied by a bank card, checkbook, and briefcase. The letter is where I learned of the more-than-I’d bargained-for gift D had set me up with.

Dear Ms. Cannuciari,

We thank you for your assistance in the removal of D.D., simply some of the most extraordinary work we have seen. He was our most beloved detective, but the betrayal we experienced was far too great. The sum is broken down into 1 million USD in $100 bills, which are lining the briefcase. A secure account with our financial institution will house the remaining 76 million USD until either the day you die or the day you speak of our transaction to anyone, for any reason. Mr. Dawson chose the option that’s no longer available, which is to have your genitals cut cleanly off with a Jian--we greatly implore that you do not Google that.

Thank you again, madam. We do hope you will work with us again sometime.

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