#guys i dont want to do homework im trying to waste time writing all of this post...

[yellowistheraddest]

idea for a character:

a villain who always tries [jump]scare the 'hero'/main character but constantly fails, thus leading to them getting really upset and trying to keep themselves composed but clearly being on the verge of tears the entire time

[haikyuuscreaming]

hello!! can you write something fluff with kenma, please? some friends to lovers if possible. loving your blog 💕💕

OH SHIT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG SDFSDFJKD this is. 3.5k words roughly and im so sorry idk why my fics always come out longer than 1k words :(((

The first time you meet Kozume Kenma, he’s hiding behind the wall that is Kuroo Tetsurou and you’re both in your first year.

“Oh?” The Nekoma volleyball captain stares you down in the Chem class you share with him. “You’re [Surname]-san, right?”

“Yeah,” You say, never breaking eye contact with him but secretly eyeing the quiet boy behind him. He’s your classmate in a few other of your periods, but not this one. This class is an advanced Chemistry class, placing you conveniently with the second-years and a handful of equally smart first-years. “I need help with the homework and you’re my best bet. Could you help out?”

Kuroo narrows his eyes at you, which you don’t exactly appreciate but you don’t say anything. “You sure you don’t want me to just give answers?”

“I kinda need to understand this to pass the class, so no thanks.”

He hums in approval, like you’ve passed some test, and nods. “Sure thing. I wanted to teach Kenma this anyway.”

Oh, that’s his name… you think to yourself, and you noticed the mentioned Kenma doesn’t look up from his Nintendo Switch, even at the mention of his name. You watch Kuroo turn around to his companion, coercing him, “Kenma, get up, we’re learning Chem.”

“Can’t we do it later?” Kenma’s voice doesn’t hold anything akin to bitterness or complaint- it’s kind of devoid, actually, in a soft and cute way- and you try to tune out the sound of Kuroo scolding him but he’s so loud when he’s right next to you.

“C’mon, we’re about to go home now, we can stay after school a little longer. Plus, we get to teach this lovely lady about nuclei.”

“I’m right here, you know,” you roll your eyes lightly but before you know it, you’re defending Kozume-san. “We can always work it out, um… I dunno, maybe over lunch on Sunday? I mean, it is Friday and this thing’s due Monday and… we can have more fun studying this if we have food.”

Stupid fucking Kuroo only grins. “Oh, so you’re asking me on a date? Kinda bold, if I don’t say so myself, kouhai-chan.”

“Kuro, stop.” Kenma speaks up and his quiet voice somehow speaks volumes. “We can meet with her on Sunday to do it.” And just like that, he retreats to his Switch without another word.

Kuroo turns to you and shrugs indifferently, contrasting his previously provocative and shitfaced attitude. “The man’s laid down the law. How’s boba on Sunday sound?”

The second time you meet Kenma is on that promised study session.

He has inconspicuous earbuds in, his face illuminated by the glowing light of his DS. He has a DS, too? He still looks cute.

And there’s Kuroo of course, but he’s irrelevant to your case unless it has to do with your god forsaken chem homework.

“You want me to go order some drinks next door?” Kuroo quirks an eyebrow. “My treat.”

“Just a brown sugar milk tea, thanks,” You tell him gratefully. Thank god for men and their dead sense of chivalry.

“No boba? You’re crazy.” Kuroo scrunches his nose at you and you wish Kenma would start talking so you could avoid this big, annoying cat. “What about you, Kenma? Your usual?”

“Yeah,” is all Kenma says.

“Alright, see you nerds later,” Kuroo practically sings out, patting both of your heads like an old man, and takes something from Kenma that you don’t quite catch, but it makes Kenma glare at him.

As soon as Kuroo’s out of sight, you find it a little awkward to keep conversation with Kenma especially with his whole gamer complex, but-

Oh.

Kuroo took Kenna's DS.

“Kuroo-san’s pretty bothersome, huh,” you sigh out in an attempt to stir conversation. Lucky for you, Kenma goes along with the conversation without fight, his eyes peering over you like reflective pools of honey.

(They’re really pretty, you think.)

“Yeah,” Kenma slouches down a little bit more in his chair at the mention of his taller friend. “He’s kind of like my second mom… but not really. Always nagging me to do things.”

You laugh at his solemn, depressed answer. “It’s fun to have him around, though, right? He’s kind of funny sometimes-- the rest he’s annoying-- and he’s decently smart even though I’m pretty sure he’s got, what, three braincells.”

To your unprompted delight, Kenma laughs softly at you poking fun of Kuroo, and the conversation between you and him starts piling up into more, and more, and it all feels so short. You don’t even notice Kuroo coming back and hovering over the table.

“Eh? You and Kenma getting along without me? What a shame, you know. I really do get third-wheeled.” Kuroo lets out a wistful sigh akin to an old man and sits down, drinks in hand. “So, who’s ready to study?”

The third time you meet Kozume Kenma, it’s at your mall’s arcade.

You and your friends are playing one of those claw machines, trying to get that really cute Miku figurine and those adorable plushies, wasting all your coins on these sucker games like the dumb teenagers you are. But a glimpse of familiar, two-toned hair catches your eye.

“Hold on,” you tell your friends who’re still busy trying to get that stupidly gorgeous Sakura Miku figure. “I’m gonna be right back.”

You wander your way to the familiar head of hair, and gratefully, your instinct was right. “Kozume-san? What’re you doing here?”

Kenma practically jumps at the sound of your voice, turning around, eyes wide. “Oh. I just got lost from the team. You’re here too?”

“Mhm,” You smile, pointing at your screaming group of friends. “My friends and I are here just to chill out and have fun. You can hang with us if you want!”

He shakes his head, his hair gracefully framing his face. “Nah, I’m fine, thanks.. I’ll just hold out until Kuro sniffs me out or something.”

You furrow your brow- geez, this kid’s gonna get lost so fast-- and you gently clasp the phone he’s holding in his hand. “Can I give you my number? I’ll pick up immediately if you ever call, just give a ring.”

You fail to notice the surprise that flits over Kenma’s face, but he reluctantly hands you his phone and you tap in your number quickly. “See you around, Kozume-san. Don’t get into trouble.”

And Kenma smiles on his own accord, his face lighting up softly like a lamp under moonlight. “You too.”

The fourth time you meet Kozume Kenma, he’s at your house working on an Japanese Lit assignment.

“Oh? Kozume-kun!” You’re pleasantly surprised when your teacher pairs the two of you up. “Nice to talk with you again.”

“Yeah, “ Kenma blinks a little awkwardly and he shyly grins, which you find even more stunning than it already is because he’s usually held up such a calm, unaffected facade. “Uh. So do you want to meet up at… your house for this? So we can do the project.”

“Oh, yeah,” You wave dismissively, beaming at him because this is your chance to get closer with him. “My little brother’s a nuisance, though, so he might bother us. I hope you don’t mind?”

“No problem.. you can text me the address, because… yeah.” You find it cute how Kenma doesn’t want to mention that the two of you have been texting a lot more lately, and the slightest blush tints his cheeks.

“Of course!”

Flash to your house, the two of you are on the floor, slaving over a giant posterboard with paint and art supplies scattered about.

“I hate making movie posters, it’s so tiring…” You groan out, trying to paint Yukio Mishima’s face with the utmost care. “And this book’s so creepy… why would we wanna make a poster of it? He commits seppuku!”

Kenma grins a little bit and he looks really cute, with his hair tied up in the back and his gaze focused on the painting at hand. “You’re so easily grossed out.”

“But he made it so detailed! You're immune ‘cause you play all those gross horror games.”

He laughs quietly, and you think you're going to heaven. “You couldn't even handle Ao Oni, stop.”

You scowl at the mention of Kenma’s dumb horror games. “He’s this weird deformed grape, okay?? It was kinda scary!”

The two of you end up nowhere near finishing your poster, and you collectively decide to put it off for maybe another day. The rest of your day is spent-- c-cuddling? (no hetero, you reassured Kenma, although you were thinking otherwise)-- and playing more horror games, much to your chagrin.

(But it gave you a reason to hug Kenma tighter.)

You can’t even count the amount of times you’ve met up with Kenma now. You’re in your second-year of high school now and your bond with him as only strengthened.

He invited you eventually to walk to school with him, along with Kuroo, and you find out that it was Kuroo’s coaxing to do so. But you’re still delighted that Kenma agreed on, what, the second time Kuroo nagged him about it?

You and Kenma have gotten fairly close. You’ve vented to him, cried to him, he’s shown his emotional side, too. You’ve even gotten a little closer to Nekoma’s god, Kuroo Tetsurou (to which your friends always complain about- “you can’t take all the cute guys for yourself”). But, in your opinion, the most important part is that you’ve been getting closer to Kozume Kenma, who you once thought would always just be the quiet classmate to you. Who would always be your unattainable, close-guarded crush.

"Kenma!” You yell out, rushing over to him with your backpack practically bouncing off of you with each step. “Wait up, would you?! How do you get out of class so quick??”

 "I was waiting for you either way,” Kenma mumbles and hunches his shoulders together. “Do you wanna go to my house? I have new games and Kuroo won't be bothering us.”

“Can’t we get snacks first?” You know you sound a little bit whiny, but you’re hungry as fuck, and Kenma’s smiling either way.

“I guess.. you’re paying, though.”

“That isn’t fair at all!”

Eventually the two of you walk to your nearest 7/11 and get chips and snacks before leaving promptly, with you holding your chocolate milk and Kenma sipping apple juice. The walk to his house is full of conversation, Kenma equally engaged as you are. But as soon as you arrive at his front doorstep, the hollow noise of an empty apple juice box makes its appearance.

“You drink your juice too fast!” You tease Kenma lightly as he frowns, unlocking the door.

“You just drink too slow,” he replies and shoulders the door open. The two of you make your way inside and flop onto the couch, Kenma crouching near the TV to boot up his newest game. “Damn. I’m still thirsty, too.”

“Language, Kenma,” You chide him, throwing a pillow at him as soon as he sits down next to you on the couch. “And-” it takes every ounce of your willpower not to turn bright red. “-do you want some of my chocolate milk?”

The silence that follows is very short (probably only, what, a second or two?), but it feels like hours of painful quiet. Kenma blinks at you and the pink that dusts his ears becomes more and more prominent each second.

“Yeah… sure,” Kenma finally says and you beam so wide that you’re sure not even the sun could battle the brightness of your happiness right now. You hand him your nearly untouched chocolate milk and his fingers brush against yours as he takes it, sipping at it cautiously like he was afraid something would happen.

(Oh my god he’s so cute.. he looks so cute… he’s drinking my chocolate milk!! He’s so-)

“Oi, Kenma! My mom told me to pick up some tomatoes from y-” The door bursts open to reveal Kuroo Tetsurou.

You freeze, since Kuroo just witnessed you passing a chocolate milk box to Kenma and the latter sipping at the straw. Kenma kind of flushes, his mouth still wrapped around the plastic straw with chocolate milk halfway up.

“Eh? Sharing drinks now?” Kuroo tsks and shakes his head, a smirk gracing his stupidly arrogant face. “You know, you two could get mono. Or any other communicable diseases. Kinda risky, you know?”

“Kuroo, stop!” You’re wildly embarrassed to be caught in this not-so-platonic situation (in your opinion, at least), before Kuroo lets out a hearty laugh.

“You know, that’s an indirect kiss!”

“Didn’t I say stop?!”

“Ah, youth. Indirect kisses! You put your mouth on the straw, then he did. Romance at its finest!”

You know, deep inside, Kuroo just likes to rile you up, but you still bite the bait. “Kuroo, shut up, please??”

And Kenma speaks up for the first time during the whole banter. “Kuro, the tomatoes are on the kitchen table. Go.”

The Nekoma captain quirks an eyebrow before shrugging and heading towards the kitchen. “Thanks. Don’t do anything risky.”

“Kuroo!”

You and Kenma awkwardly glance at each other-- you note he’s still sipping your chocolate milk-- and eventually he stands off to ward Kuroo off (who keeps chuckling for no goddamn reason).

You two are alone again, and his burnt-gold eyes stare into yours.

“Did Kuro bother you?” His ears are still pinkish, but you notice that he’s still comfortable, although you can see a sheen of sweat starting to form on his face.

“Nah... “ You force your voice to stay level. “Why does he keep doing this?? God, he’s so annyoing sometimes… it isn’t like- it isn’t like we’re dating or anything.” God fucking damn stuttering.

Kenma’s eyes widen for a fraction of a millisecond, and you almost miss it, before he clears his throat. “Yeah. Not like that at all.. let’s just go back to playing.”

The atmosphere morphs into the usual, playful one that is held between the two of you, and you’re becoming proud of how much better Kenma is at redefining conversations and shifting the mood whereas in the beginning he would struggle in topic changes.

You’re so proud of him.

(And you’re kind of in love with him.)

You have a group chat with Kuroo and Kenma, unsurprisingly.

It’s, what, midnight on a school day, and the three of you are texting. Kuroo offers a game of ‘truth or dare’, and you accept out of sheer boredom. Plus, dares are so much easier to do online because you can fake nearly anything.

kuroo >:/: kenma truth or dare

kenma :): i’m not playing

YOU: yea you are !! ur not getting out of this

kenma :): fine

  don’t say anything stupid though

kuroo >:/: so whats it gonna b???

Kenma takes a good ten seconds to respond.

kenma :): truth.

kuroo >:/: you got a crush on anyone?

YOU: oooh spicy

kenma :): kuro why

Your heart races a little bit at the comment.

YOU: oh? kenma i thought we were besties :(( why wouldnt u tell me

kenma :): it isn’t that….

  kuro you already know why are you asking me that here

kuroo >:/: for my favorite kouhai [name]-chan

YOU: fuck off kuroo we all know im ur fav bc i pay for ur boba

kuroo >:/: fair

You get impatient with Kuroo’s mindless banter, so you end up texting Kenma privately.

YOU: so who is ur crush????

kenma :): why do you assume i have one

YOU: i mean….u wouldve denied it if u didnt have one?

He leaves you on seen for two minutes and you’re about to text him and complain but his reply shoots back.

kenma :): it’s you

And your heart doesn’t skip a beat. No, it just beats even faster.

The blood is rushing to your face, you can feel it, and a smile tugs at your face subconsciously. Your brain’s running a mile a minute, and you’re so outrageously shocked and unprepared that the aftermath of it all hits you just about a minute later.

(What if he’s lying? What if someone made him say that? What if-)

YOU: fr?

YOU: kenma dont mess w me

kenma :): i’m not

kenma :): you wanted to know so yeah. it’s you

kenma :): i like you and idk kuro says it’s “more than just like” and maybe he’s right

kenma :): see u at school tmr

YOU: WAIT KENMA COME BACK ???

You cute little rat, you seeth internally, happiness still radiating off of you. Is this a dream? Oh my god. Kozume Kenma likes me.

… Kozume Kenma feels the same way I feel about him.

The next day, you anxiously wait for Kenma at your doorstep. You even woke up early and had gotten ready as soon as you could, just so you could catch Kenma ASAP.

You slept surprisingly well, despite your anxiety from Kenma, and your body was filled with energy. You check your phone every two minutes, glancing at his ‘good morning text’ and praying for another one.

kenma :))): gm i’m still walking to school with u if you want… i’ll pass by your house just in case

YOU: oh!!!! yea id love to walk to school w u :))

Silence fills your ears as you anxiously pace back and forth from your doorstep to the curb of your neighborhood. You can’t help but worry as your gaze flits across every house, begging for a sign of Kenma.

(What if you’re too late, you realize in panic. What if your efforts weren’t enough?)

But then the sound of quiet-paced footsteps snaps you out, and you look up to see Kenma, standing in front of your house, an adorably shy expression painted across his face.

“Kenma!” You hate how your voice comes out kind of squeaky and high-pitched but you don’t care right now. You practically launch off of your doorstep and bound toward him, settling by his side.

He gives you a shy, adoring look but you can see the anxiety in his eyes as he points forward in the direction of Nekoma. “We can talk while walking, right?”

You smile breathlessly and your fingers brush against his. He smiles at you, and you notice the same pink dusting his ears like when he was sharing chocolate milk with you.

Two hands intertwine and the conversation begins.

You’re in your third year of college now, out on a “boys (and girl) night out”, as Kuroo deemed it.

Kenma’s got it well-made for him, striking good on his company to which you supported him through the entire time, and Kuroo’s on his way to be the scientist he’s always dreamed of being even as a nerdy-jock kid. He claims he’s practically a professional volleyball player, too, just on the side, but both you and Kenma know better.

You and Kenma have been dating ever since your second-year in high school. Which makes it just about… four-ish years now that you’ve been dating.

(Kuroo claims that in your first-year, you and Kenma were basically dating each other spiritually, but you pay him no mind.)

The three of you are out on the beach on an autumn day. It’s pretty empty, despite the warm evening sun that casts a golden shine on the sand and ocean, so you’re all making epic sandcastles in peace.

“We should make a moat,” Kuroo says, already digging out a ring around the lopsided sandcastle.

“We haven’t even finished the castle itself!” You protest, pushing him lightly as you use your other hand to pat down the base of the castle.

Kenma packs sand into a small bucket and delicately places it on top of the half-finished sand “castle” to make a tower. You find it cute how he’s the only one putting in decent effort, so you help him out by packing in another bucket of sand. “Kuro would be a terrible architect,” Kenma comments.

“You right, you right,” You sigh out while Kuroo squawks in protest. Kenma leans on you, out of instinct you think, and you kiss the top of his head gently. Kuroo covers his eyes and complains about his youth and young love before Kenma haphazardly bumps into you. Which leads to the sand castle collapsing.

“Ah- Kenma!” you cry out in panic, sweeping the sand together in a half-hearted attempt to piece it back into a cohesive castle. “Be careful!”

“No, look,” he says quietly, a small smile gracing his face.

“You worked so hard on the base too, to make it big and flat- oh?” You sit up a little bit when you see a small velvet box in the middle of the sand pile.

Kuroo gasps very loudly and you stare at Kenma in shock.

Oh my god. What’s happening, what’s happening, oh my god-

You slowly reach out for the box in the middle of the mess and take it delicately, brushing off the sand clinging to it. Your fingers pry it open with shaking fingers and you feel Kenma place his hand on your arm gently, his gorgeous honey eyes staring at you. The same honey eyes you fell in love with.

You're also in love with the gorgeous, sparkling amber ring that sits in the middle of the cushioned box.

“[Name]. I want to be married. To you. Will you marry me?” Kenma’s voice is soft and sweet but you know with the convincing sureness in his voice that he’s been practicing this line for at least a month and he’s become confident in it.

You start crying immediately (god damn it, you think to yourself) your heart blooming with joy and your entire body feels like it’s about to explode of pure happiness.

You kiss him, full on the lips with tears streaming down your face and he kisses back, his arms wrapping around you and you realize he’s crying too. With the possibly happiest voice you’ve ever used in your life, you cry out, “Of course I will!” on the beach with Kuroo clapping in the background.

Two years later on that beach, you two become the happiest couple on Earth.

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[dr-gloom]

Kintsukuroi

A continuation of Fall Apart, loooong overdue! Thank you everyone for being patient with me while I worked up the focus and motivation to write this. I hope you like it as much as I! <3

Fandom: Sander’s Sides

Pairing: none

Words: 1,207

Summary: Virgil is trying to recover from his soul-shattering breakup with Roman, reminded that the world won’t stop for his depression. He learns to pick himself back up and gains a nugget of wisdom from an unlikely source. 

Tags/Warnings: depression, Human AU, recovery, basically vent-fic-part-2

A/N: so yeah, just like Fall Apart, this is based heavily on real life. The only real difference is that I never met a Patton. 

Read it on AO3

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To say that things got better would be a complete fucking lie.

In the remainder of his shitty summer vacation, Virgil only really left his bed to use the bathroom or eat when the hunger became unbearable. He slept a majority of the time, turning his back on the sunlight shining through his blinds in a mocking reminder that just because his world was falling apart, that didn’t mean the real world was. He was numb. And when he wasn’t numb he was heartbroken, or angry. He had no one to talk to about it because Logan wasn’t the most empathetic person out there and Roman still had him blocked.

Roman.

Virgil couldn’t stop asking himself what he’d done wrong. How had he screwed this up? He thought they were doing great, he thought Roman loved him. What was he talking about in that last message?

He wished he could just ask.

When he felt up to it, he brought up Tumblr on his phone to scroll through it and distract his mind. That became rather hard when half the posts were about people venting their problems and talking about how depressed they were, though. He remembered back when he was new to Tumblr and had just followed all of these blogs, how happy and dumb and funny everyone was. Now they all just logged on to use Tumblr as a personal diary.

He deleted his blog the next day.

Eventually he has to force himself out of bed to go to his fall classes. No matter how low he’s feeling or how much he hates himself he’s always been a good student, and it wouldn’t stop just because he was alonealonealone a little depressed. His classes gave him plenty to focus on to distract himself, making his mind numb, empty of free thought and only capable of answering homework questions or performing basic tasks like showering and eating.

Logan still messaged him at least once a week to ask how he was doing, if he wanted to hang out, or just to make sure Virgil was still alive. Virgil hardly ever responded, and when he did it was short one- or two-word answers. He didn’t want to talk to Logan. He didn’t want to talk about what happened and how he was doing and how his thoughts were cognitive distortions. He knew Logan meant well, but he just… He didn’t think he could deal with that right now, so he was all but avoiding the other, claiming to be swamped with school.

It wasn’t a total lie; this was his last semester before fieldwork, so he’d needed to shove as many classes into these sixteen weeks as possible. Eighteen units, the absolute max they would allow, and even though that usually meant homework all day every day, he still found himself with some free time. God, he was so bored.

So he made a new Tumblr.

He felt bad abandoning the friends he’d made on his old Tumblr, but he wasn’t interested in the same things anymore and they were all so depressed and…. He just. Didn’t need that.

He spent an obsessively-long time trying to think of a new URL. For some reason, he found himself cycling through the nicknames Roman had given him over the months.

doom-and-gloom? Nope, taken.

dark-stormy-knight? Nah. Damn.

surley-temple? Taken.

jack-smellington? Taken.

Taken.

Taken.

Taken.

Taken.

God dammit.

Virgil groaned, rubbing his forehead tiredly. Without thinking too much of it - it was probably taken - he types in ‘dr-gloom’.

Not taken.

He grins for the first time in weeks as he finishes going through the mandatory bullshit to set up his blog and find people to follow. Sure, he looks up some of the people he used to follow and follows them on this new blog, but he doesn’t tell them who he is.

This is a new beginning, after all.

He’s already decided that this blog will be more positive. He’ll be the positivity he wanted when he was hurting. It’s… out of character for him, but that doesn’t mean it can’t become a part of him. By being others’ positivity, he can be his own too.

As he finds more people to follow and his dash is filled with posts, something inside him - a gut instinct he’s learned not to ignore - tells him to message people. Not everyone; specific URLs stick out to him and he can’t help but feel like maybe the universe is telling him who needs his help. It’s stupid, and maybe a little egotistical, but after he sends the messages he feels…. Good. He sends good morning and good night messages to ten strangers-turned-family every day, regardless of how he feels inside, and little by little he finds that he’s not as depressed as he used to be. His daily ritual actually picks up his mood as he reads the responses from people and talks to them through PMs.

He does this for nearly two months before someone randomly messages him one day. The URL reads ‘pattoncakes94’, the icon most likely a selfie of possibly the cutest, bubbliest person Virgil has ever seen.

pattoncakes94 hey! just wanted to come say hi! i love those messages you send to people, it’s a great idea!

He takes entirely too long trying to come up with something to say that doesn’t sound too cheery, hyper, or creepy.

dr-gloom uh thanks

He face-palms. He sounds like a jackass!

pattoncakes94 oh! sorry, i should probably introduce myself, huh? im patton (he/him/his)! im 24, i looooove cats and puns and cookies and sweaters, and im a taurus!

Virgil snorts. Oh my god, this guy’s a dork.

dr-gloom thats cool uh im virgil 20 he/him/his i like music, nightmare before christmas, and deathnote and im a leo i think i dont really do the astrology thing

pattoncakes94 oh, thats okay! its just kinda fun, i dont actually believe in those daily astrology things what kinda music do you like?

The next few hours go like this, with the two men chatting about anything and everything. Virgil didn’t even know how two people could talk this long without the conversation feeling strained or boring. He hated small talk, but for some reason he found himself enjoying talking to Patton. The conversation flows seamlessly, Patton filling any possible pauses or lulls with his own little anecdotes or questions.

Over the next few weeks, whenever he’s in a bad mind space Virgil messages Patton. Patton never asks what’s bothering him or pressures him into opening up. Instead, he willingly provides a distraction and chats with Virgil until he’s laughing in the comfort of his room, heart light and mind clear. His favorite conversations were the ones that were the most random, but led to Virgil learning something new.

pattoncakes94 hey, you ever heard of kintsugi? also known as kintsukuroi

dr-gloom no…? what is it

pattoncakes94 it’s this japanese thing, it’s so cool! basically they take broken pottery and fix it with gold, silver, or platinum instead of throwing it out!

dr-gloom why? sounds like a waste of time

pattoncakes94 because they saw the beauty in those flaws in the cracks and breaks because just like people, it’s the blemishes that make them beautiful

[ezragold]

With a Little Help from My Friends

A/N: Happy last-day-of-Pegoryu-week! Let’s celebrate by reading... day 2′s prompt... No one ever said I was good at preparing things, okay. AO3 link: [here]

Day 2: First Date

Title: With a Little Help from My Friends

Rating: Teen

Summary: Ryuji has successfully asked Akira out! Now if only he could figure out something special for them to do. All of his ideas just feel like their every day routine, and he’s pulling his hair out trying to come up with a way to make it special. All of the thieves seem to have their own ideas of the perfect date, 90% of which are entirely unhelpful, as Ryuji soon realizes.

[ THURSDAY, 6:50PM ]

crossbonez is online

crossbonez has entered The Dungeon of Unspeakable Acts

crossbonez: GUYS I NEED HELP

crossbonez: ALSO WTF WHO CHANGED THE CHANNEL NAME

palette-cleanser: There’s no need to yell about it.

crossbonez: YOU CAN’T HEAR ME SMARTASS

killerqueen: Futaba renamed it and I can’t figure out how to change it back. What’s wrong?

memejed: me! muahaha!!!! you’ll never figure out how to change it back!

memejed: boo makoto types too fast :(

palette-cleanser: Futaba, naturally.

palette-cleanser: Oh.

memejed: lmaooooo

crossbonez: ok ok is akira in this chat??

yougimmethecrepes: I mean technically

yougimmethecrepes: but I think he’s had this channel muted for like a month

killerqueen: Understandable.

crossbonez: o sick

crossbonez: OK SO I ASKED HIM OUT AND I NEED ADVICE

yougimmethecrepes: OMG RYUJI

memejed: GHIDNDOSKFHSKX WHAAAAT

killerqueen: !

yougimmethecrepes: DID HE SAY YES??

palette-cleanser: My most heartfelt congratulations!

crossbonez: of course he said yes wtf guys

crossbonez: why wouldn’t he, i’m a catch

memejed: so’s a big ol slimy fish

memejed: its perspective

crossbonez: can we ban her?

killerqueen: She’s the room admin.

memejed: IM ADMIN MY CITY NOW

memejed: HECK how do u type so much faster than me????

crossbonez: OH MY GOD CAN WE FOCUS ON ME PLEASE

palette-cleanser: something tells me you wouldn’t allow us the chance to do anything different.

yougimmethecrepes: go ahead Ryuji, what’s up?

crossbonez: i didn’t think about what we should do on the date so i kinda panicked when he asked and told him i had everything taken care of but i don’t

crossbonez: ive never taken care of anything in my life

crossbonez: please help yall know im not smart

yougimmethecrepes: omg THAT’S what ur worried about??? HOE ur best friend is a dating expert. I gotchu

crossbonez: lmfao ann youve never been on a date

yougimmethecrepes: maybe not

yougimmethecrepes: but i have seen so many romcoms

crossbonez: oooooo my god Kill me

crossbonez: wait holy shit have any of you even been on a date before

crossbonez: NOW YOU ALL STOP TYPING

crossbonez: this is the worst i hate my life

yougimmethecrepes: yusuke if you say anything about painting my nude as a date i’ll block you

palette-cleanser: There was that time when Ann came to the old studio in order for me to paint her portrait.

palette-cleanser: It was already half-written when you sent that.

yougimmethecrepes: OHHH MY GOD

palette-cleanser: I didn’t want to just let the reply go to waste.

yougimmethecrepes: BLOCKED

palette-cleanser: :(

killerqueen: Okay.

killerqueen: I’ll DM you, Ryuji.

crossbonez: oh thank god

[ THURSDAY, 7:04 PM ]  

[ killerqueen has sent you a message! ]

killerqueen: Firstly,

killerqueen: good for you, asking out Akira! That was really brave. How did it go, if that’s not too intrusive?

crossbonez: fine I think?? morgana kept cockblocking me but he got bored of watching us watch bad movies and left so

crossbonez: i just kinda

crossbonez: asked

crossbonez: and he said yeah

crossbonez: so now im dead and going thru w the date is my hell

killerqueen: Okay, relax. Obviously he wouldn’t have said yes to the date if he wasn’t already interested, so you already have that going for you! The worst part is done.

killerqueen: All you have to do now is think of something special for the two of you to do together.

crossbonez: yeah that’s basically the part where my brain stops

killerqueen: Fair. What’s your budget?

crossbonez: uhhhhhh

crossbonez: uhhhhhhhhhhh

killerqueen: Ryuji.

crossbonez: is free an option

killerqueen: Oh, god. Okay.

killerqueen: I didn’t realize you hadn’t planned for this in… any capacity.

crossbonez: OF COURSE I HAVENT ITS LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME

crossbonez: I DIDNT THINK OF THE MONEY THING OK

crossbonez: I WAS SORT OF FOCUSED ON NOT THROWING UP ON HIM AS I ASKED

killerqueen: Message received.

killerqueen: I’ll see if there’s anything cheap going on in the city this weekend.

crossbonez: thank you ugh

crossbonez: was this a bad idea

killerqueen: Asking out Akira? No, of course not.

crossbonez: sigh

killerqueen: Lying to Akira about having the entire thing prepared and planned out? Yes, without a doubt.

crossbonez: COOL THANKS MOM 

crossbonez: GOD

[ crossbonez left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 7:29PM ]

[ palette-cleanser sent you a message! ]

palette-cleanser: Are you still taking advice for your date?

crossbonez: the answer is technically yes but i can’t say i’ve reached the point in my life where i’m ready to take dating advice from you

palette-cleanser: I shall try and keep my advice more general, then.

crossbonez: just don’t say the word beauty

palette-cleanser: You should consider the benefit of surrounding yourselves with beautiful things. I can only imagine a relationship increasing in intensity when the couple is surrounded by overwhelming beauty.

palette-cleanser: In my defense, my reply was half-written when you posted yours.

crossbonez: what the hell would overwhelming beauty even be man

crossbonez: am i sposed to find out which flower gives him boners like what am i doing here

palette-cleanser: that is up to you! And Akira, I suppose.

palette-cleanser: I was, of course, referring to your beautiful surroundings being up to you. Akira getting an erection is less-so in your hands.

palette-cleaner: …I did not mean for that to become a double-entendre but I suppose that’s also appropriate to your situation.

crossbonez: hoo boy you are this close to my block list lemme tell ya

palette-cleanser: Please don’t, my contact list is very short as it is.

palette-cleanser: Back to the topic at hand,

crossbonez: yeah plz

palette-cleanser: What are some things that Akira finds beautiful?

crossbonez: man i don’t know

crossbonez: uhh

crossbonez: good coffee

crossbonez: big ass cheeseburgers

crossbonez: cats probably

crossbonez: hes got a risette poster in his room but i think that’s less because shes hot and more because someone gave it to him and he was too nice to throw it out

palette-cleanser: None of that sounds particularly beautiful…

crossbonez: OH WOW DOES IT NOT

crossbonez: REALLY

palette-cleanser: There is no need to raise your typeface at me.

crossbonez: sjdjcickgmsoakfb

palette-cleanser: ?

crossbonez: nothing dont worry abt it

crossbonez: im gonna go see if i can buy something beautiful for ¥200 

palette-cleanser: Many beautiful things in life are free.

crossbonez: you got an example to go with that inspirational quote?

crossbonez: duuuude?

palette-cleanser: I appear to be losing connection

crossbonez: oh my god dude

palette-cleanser: I can hardly read what you’re writing

crossbonez: thats not how that would even work

crossbonez: i cant tell if ur trolling me or not

[ palette-cleanser has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 7:49PM ] 

[ yougimmethecrepes has replied to your message! ]

crossbonez: plz tell me ur just invisible

crossbonez: ur my one last hope and god is that saying something about how my standards have fallen

yougimmethecrepes: doing homework

yougimmethecrepes: you still peeing your pants over date night?

crossbonez: you still willing to give bad advice?

yougimmethecrepes: imagine me swiping all of my school work off my desk onto my floor because if my math grade didn’t ride on this I would have done that

crossbonez: aight

yougimmethecrepes: also my advice is fantastic shut up

yougimmethecrepes: okay, lets start easy. What’s the budget?

crossbonez: im in high school and not a part time model

crossbonez: my budget is negative

yougimmethecrepes: ooooh

yougimmethecrepes: got it

yougimmethecrepes: arcade? you can just use small change and stuff

crossbonez: we go there ALL THE TIME thats not a date

crossbonez: that’s like going to the ramen shop or something

yougimmethecrepes: uh……batting cages? Movie?

crossbonez: i cant ask him on a date and then just do shit we do normally! how is that a date???

yougimmethecrepes: How is it not a date?? You guys always have fun doing that, how is it less fun on a date

yougimmethecrepes: OH WAIT NO I got it

yougimmethecrepes: bathhouse

crossbonez: shut up no

yougimmethecrepes: hey, it’s not my fault you gave this absolutely no thought whatsoever

crossbonez: UGH I KNOW

crossbonez: WHY IS THIS HARD

yougimmethecrepes: I KEEP TELLING YOU THAT IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE

yougimmethecrepes: YOU’RE MAKING THIS A PROBLEM

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 8:25 PM ] 

[ memejed sent you a message! ]

crossbonez: no

memejed: before you say anything

memejed: jdcjdjnfdkdkf

memejed: dammit how do all of you type so fast

memejed: it’s like I don’t even know myself any more

memejed: is it my tiny hands

crossbonez: i do not want dating advice from you

memejed: well then it’s a good thing I don’t have any for you then ISNT IT

memejed: I just wanted to tell you that Akira just got home and he’s smiling a lot and it’s gross and weird and most likely your fault, so

crossbonez: oh that’s

crossbonez: nice to hear thank you jhgjfyjuh

memejed: he just told sojiro about the date and sojiro offered to grab him condoms hahAHAAHAH

crossbonez: OH MY GOD

crossbonez: DONT TELL ME THAT SHIT

memejed: IM ACTUALLY GONNA CHOKE LOLLL

crossbonez: I HOPE SO

memejed: >:(

memejed: I don’t even get why youre so nervous he’s obviously out of his mind happy to go out with you

memejed: whatever you guys do he’ll be down

memejed: just don’t do any stupid shit like try and show off or act like a tool

memejed: which I realize may seem daunting for you

memejed: but I believe u may have it in you, maybe

crossbonez: I just have no idea what to do without us doing the same shit as always

memejed: whats wrong with doing the stuff you guys always do? Routine is comfy

memejed: comfort is the enemy of anxiety

memejed: well, comfy, and a good pair of sweatpants

memejed: *and valium

crossbonez: you dont think he would mind doing shit we do all the time?

memejed: oh my god are ALL boys as stupid as you??? how has the species survived for so long

memejed: just hold his hand or something and he’d let you push him in front of the subway!! Like, that probably shouldn’t be your go to option, but just

memejed: he ALREADY likes you. you don’t need to impress him or anything

memejed: consider yourself lucky, because like, idk how you swung that

crossbonez: I agree with you too much to get mad at that

crossbonez: wow

crossbonez: akira agreed to go out with me, you gave me advice that wasnt steaming dog shit

crossbonez: maybe i should buy a lottery ticket lmao

memejed: LMAO ur luck stat isn’t THAT high yet

memejed: see if sojiro comes through w the condoms first

crossbonez: okay and NOW im leaving

memejed: BE SAFE!!

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ THURSDAY, 9:22 PM ]  

[ HaruOkumura sent you a message! ]

HaruOkumura: Good, you’re still online! 

crossbonez: hahaha what happened to ur screenname?

HaruOkumura: The company’s social media adviser suggested I change it for professional purposes………..

crossbonez: lame

HaruOkumura: Yes apparently “BigBangIsPeople” is not an appropriate username for the incoming CEO of Okumura Foods.

HaruOkumura: I thought it was funny :(

HaruOkumura: But anyway! I’m glad you’re still online! Makoto texted me and told me about yours and Akira’s date and I wanted to say congratulations and I’m so happy for you!

crossbonez: thanks! tell makoto to quit snitchin tho

HaruOkumura: Will do! I just wanted to talk because Makoto said you were very stressed out and seemed sort of unprepared

crossbonez: im okay now i think

crossbonez: futaba helped me out

crossbonez: weirdly

crossbonez: i mean im still sweating all over myself and the idea of actually meeting up with akira for the date in question makes me want to gag but :) im fine

HaruOkumura: oh my :o

HaruOkumura: Have you decided what the two of you will do?

crossbonez: yeeaaahhhh i got some ideas i think?

HaruOkumura: I do as well!! Would you like to hear them?

crossbonez: hey i am always up for not thinking

HaruOkumura: That’s great!! Okay, what is your budget currently?

crossbonez: gkhskdfkjlghlrihvoirhgiu

crossbonez: kjghsiuergtiughpijiuprughtuislrhgiulth

HaruOkumura: Uhm?

crossbonez: I THINK IM GOOD LMAO THX HARU

HaruOkumura: Oh youre welcome! Let us know how it goes!

crossbonez: yeah sure if i dont die first!

[ crossbonez has left the conversation. ]

 [ SATURDAY, 02:41 AM ] 

[ JokersWild sent you a message! ]

JokersWild: Hey

JokersWild: I know youre probably asleep because it’s like fuck o clock in the morning and why wouldn’t you be

JokersWild: But I cant sleep because I made myself some antianxiety coffee when I got home haha

JokersWild: (futaba calls it estresso but I can’t call it that because it’s so clever it makes me mad I didn’t think of it first)

JokersWild: but I had a really good time tonight

JokersWild: and you seemed kind of worried all night so I wanted you to know that

JokersWild: and idek if you were worried because of us(?) or if there was something else going on and now I just seem like kind of an asshole for assuming it was about me

JokersWild: but whether it was or it wasn’t I had fun

JokersWild: and

JokersWild: I’m really happy you asked me out

JokersWild: and just…… you don’t need advice from anyone on how to like

JokersWild: woo me yknow?

JokersWild: I had notifications turned off but the number of messages in the group chat kept ticking up so I lurked for a second

JokersWild: I don’t know what anyone ended up telling you but you didn’t need it

JokersWild: you don’t have to impress me. I ALREADY like you.

JokersWild: so, that’s that

JokersWild: this coffee is very strong and obviously my inhibitions are non existent right now so I’m going to bed before this turns into a confession

JokersWild: or more of one

JokersWild: lets, like, do this again? I want to keep doing this with you

[ JokersWild has left the conversation. ]

 [ SATURDAY, 02:54 AM ] 

[ JokersWild sent you a message! ]

JokersWild: also oh my god thank you for not freaking the fuck out when that condom fell out of my jacket I SWEAR TO YOU I did not put it there and when I find out who did I am going to unmake them

JokersWild: okay goodnight

[ JokersWild has left the conversation. ]

[vanogla]

.txt

(feel free to ignore this large block of text)

its nothing bad i promise, just needed to let off some steam ;<

Tldr ; im writing a ddv gang au fic inspired by gangbbs's criminal records

*has 13 tabs open: 7 of them homework, 4 of them fanfic research, 2 of them gang au playlists*

Nogla is a weapons expert i gotta show that he knows his shit.

...but i know nothing.

*googles the difference between magazine and clip*

*youtube.com how to load a pistol*

i hope nobody is tracking my search history.

*writes for 2 nights + one entire afternoon*

*word count: 4k*

........ that's so less D:

2 am in the morning:

*reads entire section over and over*

cmon cmon i know something is off but WHERE??????

...

"That's not hot you do it," he says.

AHA!!!!!!

*corrects mistake and goes to bed*

*writes fanfic after an entire year of no writing*

*4k words in, finds plot hole that affects whole story*

FUCK, FUCK FUCK I HATE MYSELF. FUCK WRITING- I HOPE TO GOD NO ONE NOTICES

...

oh who tf am i kidding it MAKES NO SENSE!!

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

THERES SO MANY BBS MEMBERS HOW TF AM I GONNA INTRODUCE THEM ALL.

they're supposed to be going on a lot of missions... but i am LITERALLY writing AROUND the action scenes just to put it off..

*uses the word laugh 12354466357745 times in the story*

*looks up synonyms for laugh*

...

im sorry but chortle sounds like a fucking pokemon i am never ever using that word

...

guffaw sounds like a sneezing cow.....

*writing in David's pov*:

his speech pattern is on point, he gets a little inconsistent at times but its fine, he's fine, don't change anything because i'll never be satisfied..

*does jack shit with Evan's character*:

just give him really awesome dialogue and 60% of all the times i’ve used laugh and that is exactly what he's like lmao

*everyone else*: the room bursts into laughter

i don't think David's the type of guy to ride a motorbike.

...how is he going to get around the city tho

..........

....better give him one anyway

..ooc but w/e

*has only written smut once and it was hetero*

*writes smut*: ...im uncomfortable but i also want to leave my comfort zone to try something new

*writes smut in explicit detail*: LOL the smut is as long as one-third of the plot so far fml???!!

*somehow, someway- the smut turned into a fucking FEELS FEST!!- and David's crying and Evan's lost AF and my heart is dead in my chest!!!*

*plans to split smut from story using chapters so ppl uncomfortable with it can skip those chapters*

*puts plot and character development in smut scenes*

@myself -_-

*realizes that writing is pain and respects writers 10000000x more now*

Im so impatient i want to complete this already :S i cant even post what i have so far because im writing out of order and there are chunks of text missing everywhere. i dont even know what the ending is yet gdi

welp thanks for reading ;v; since you apparently wasted 5 mins of your life reading this, why not lemme know by wishing me luck? xD

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[skyedill-blog]

300 things that make me happy (May 11th, 2014)

  music that reminds you of something good

coldplay

doctor who

wes anderson

arctic monkeys

watercolors

my grandma’s house

my grandma

cats

dogs

my other grandma

my parents

getting money

my sisters

when my palms aren’t clammy

old photos

blogging

supernatural

cardigans

christmas lights

steel guitar strings

making movies

sleeping in

staying up all night

sunrises

candles

new converse

wifi working

biking

benedict cumberbatch

sherlock holmes

family videos

the vlogbrothers

learning something new

teaching someone something new

calvin & hobbes comic books

ampersands &&&&&

remembering something i forgot

full battery

the fault in our stars

tea

coffee

clean dishes

honey

when my sister thinks im funny

getting better from a cold

colored napkins for parties

bad music that you still like

being the first to wake up

grapefruit soda

passionate political debates without bigotry

equality

hugs

when you get to lick the spoon during baking

coming home

running away

strangers who smile back

when you and one other stranger see something funny and you smirk at each other

little kids that make faces with you

the london underground

winston churchill

colin firth

jarred telling me dumb jokes

the tylers

my cousins

when films are remade from a long time ago and they are really good

when films are remade from a long time ago and they are really bad but you see them anyway

appreciating good art

laughing at stupid pretentiously simple art

67 chevy impalas

oversized jumpers

indoles crew

chapin’s class

finding my old clothes from when i was little

the color green

sun shining through the cracks in the leaves

tia

kepler

my family in denmark

carlsberg beer

meeting strangers on buses and having nice conversations

old english women named sally

maddy because she calls me a dork and makes me laugh

my grandma’s accent

my mom’s accent

bridget’s singing voice

getting to stay up when the little cousins have to go to sleep

the kids table at thanksgiving

bread

coloring

finding out that you got accepted to college at your dream school

spaghetti

rosy cheeks

finger painting

days that my depression lifts a bit and i feel like a normal kid again

the smiths

three hole punching

getting glasses for the first time and its like you found god

old cameras

new cameras

101 dalmatians

new york city

being surrounded in books

when i do homework and dont cry

new music that i cant believe i didnt know about

internet friends

getting mad and just swearing like a sailor because damn it feels good

dean winchester because he taught me about love  

sam winchester because he taught me about forgiveness

cas because he taught me about redemption

bobby singer because he taught me that family doesnt end in blood

porch swings

boys

alex turner’s accent and hair

The number 115

triangle banners

the hotel room i stayed in when i was in berlin

trivia

brushing my teeth

morning star farms veggie sausage

during spring when the sun is up by the time i leave for school

lord of the rings and the hobbit

going to the library for class instead

apple products

white linens

top gear uk

james may’s stupid hair

maps

getting confirmation

star gazing

teaching my little cousins about science and the stars

the fact that we are all made of stardust

puns

when you know a word in a different language and you feel really cool for remembering it and connecting it wow im cool

lower case letters

newly vaccuumed carpet

the sound of stapling

muffins

shredding paper

exact change

getting homework done early

mediterranean food

karl pilkington and how much he hates everything

stephen fry quotes

obama

calling my friends nerds

waking up early

plane rides

soft socks

when family brings you home leftovers

when my step dad gives me life lessons

my cat rory. rip.

my dog seeger

les miserables

showtunes

frank sinatra

billie holiday

queen elizabeth II

james bond movies

alfred hitchcock movies

billy wilder movies and how he was a sarcastic butthead

warm paper just off the printer

freshly mowed grass

evolution theories because wow that is so cool and learning how species grew and evolved is insane

colorful kites

museums

tuesdays

old timey christmas music

the thought of moving away from home and doing something new even though its really scary

mac and cheese

when packages come for you in the mail

the feeling i had when i got my drivers license

mr. kato

pirates

when people fall asleep on your shoulder and you suddenly feel that being their pillow is your only purpose

my family in miami

winning board games

when people get their braces off

kick ass lyrics that perfectly make sense

accepting how fragile things are and being better for it

stand up comedians

rainy days that make you feel a little sad and chilly but its good to be sad sometimes

unrealistically tiny things

getting compliments from people you are trying to impress

backing out of plans you didnt really want to fufill

shows without continuity errors

when movies and tv shows say the title of the movie or tv show

colloquialisms

freckles

songs turned acoustic

quirks about people like scars or birthmarks

leonardo dicaprio because like holy crap have you seen that guy act

shakespeare

formatting errors

irony

having a good calendar

a clean house and your mom being proud of you

painting walls

finishing a good tv show or series and having a good cry

books

kissing

oragami

pepper jack cheese

concerts that make you feel like you belong somehow with all these strangers and the lights go down and you all sing

giving a waiter/waitress a good tip

writing lyrics on the back of your hands

feeling like a stupid teenager with loud music and ripped jeans which somehow feels like your own rebellion against nothing

knowing that however old i get i will still be that stupid teenager who eats cold pizza and plays my music a little too loud

listening to people talk

road trips

pranking my step-dad

filling up the gas tank all the way

my aunt tiffany’s house

peaceful people

diplomatic solutions to violent things

pianos

cool light fixtures

film scores

inventiveness

dystopian novels

finishing a long paper

basset hounds

photo booth

clark’s shoes

mayonnaise on wasa with yellow tomatoes and salt and pepper

veggie burgers with fried green tomatoes

nostalgic places

monty python

peter pan

boarding passes

butter

blue skies

overcast

shadow puppets

blanket forts

camping

the smell of mosquito spray

waterfalls

driving through the smoky mountains

bon iver

harry potter

learning about WWI and WWII

good quotes

google because without it i probably wouldnt be graduating high school

when people let me talk/encourage me to keep talking because sometimes im made fun of for talking too much

knowing weird facts about things and getting to tell people

hearing people talk about the things they love

hearing people laugh

trumpets

when people stand up for me or notice when i am being wronged without me telling them

when people remember my name

having a sub for a teacher i dont like

understanding a math concept because it is rare

riding in golf carts

weekends

christmas trees

eurovision

french

plot twists

nice patio furniture

waking up to thunderstorms

witty welcome mats

having the windows down all the way in the car and it's really cold but it feels good to feel something

tom hiddleston

that really nice business man i met on the tube several months ago

booty

getting my hair cut

those really pretty flowers in england

laying in the sunshine on the living room carpet

high waisted shorts

strawberries

pirouettes

lemonade

glitter

the rain song by led zeppelin

those erasers shaped like food

rollercoasters (not too big)

campfire smell

waking up with good hair

conchita’s beard

copenhagen

really juicy pens

horse movies

april ludgate

the sun

the moon

weeping willow trees

acing a test

alpacas

warming your hands on a hot mug

red noses after playing in the snow

watching old movies during a rainstorm

hammocks

baby toes

those pretty lights on northumberland street

mushy peas and chips

wristwatches

scratch & sniff stickers

knowing that even though i will get older and my hair will grow and my skin will wrinkle and scar and this list will be revised… that i will still be me and its okay to change… its okay to run away and make stupid choices and dye all your clothes purple and waste your money and eat cheesecake… its okay because my list will change and so will i and hating what you used to be gets nothing done and neither does hating who you are. things are changing and they wont stop. today these 300 things make me happy and one day they wont but that doenst mean i lost myself. it means i grew. i know that. that makes me happy.

moving on