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purgatory-is-life · 2 months ago

Text

Mechtober prompt 27/day 27-space

brian angst go brrrr

@mechtober-2024

Lost, Alone, and Cold - Reality666Rift999 - The Mechanisms (Band) [Archive of Our Own]

tw; dissociation, mentioned/implied death, mentioned/implied isolation, hallucinations kinda, i think that's it actually?? surprisingly not as heavy as one might expect it is a lighter fic than some of the past few

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Brian was cold.

Was he always so cold? He must be.

It was so cold out here.

He tried to scream, he thinks, at first. Tried to yell and cry and ask for help.

It was so cold.

The Cold seemed to silence his screams, no words or sounds escaping, just the meager air left in his lungs being pulled and replaced with Nothingness. He’d long since learned not to try to scream or to cry out, there was no one around to hear.

Brian was so cold.

Admittedly, he hadn’t even known how he’d survived this long. He should be dead several times over by now, by suffocation, by frostbite, there were many things that should have killed him.

And yet he was alive.

He thinks he’s finally fading, though.

He’s so cold.

Light was far, but he thinks, maybe if he can reach it, he’ll be warm again.

His chest hurt, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the lack of air to breathe or the burn marring his chest.

It was so cold he could barely feel it.

It was so cold it burnt, like he was on fire but there was no warmth to it.

He was so cold.

Brian thinks he’s crying, but he can’t be sure. Maybe he’s bleeding. Does he have blood left to bleed? He thought it was all frozen so long ago.

What did he do to get lost, like this? To be sent out into this all-encompassing cold?

Why did he deserve to die?

He can’t remember anymore, it’s just cold.

He’s so cold.

At least the stars and lights he could see were pretty.

Warm hands placed themselves on his shoulders, and suddenly he was a little bit warmer.

He leaned into the touch, hoping to absorb as much warmth as possible, hoping that the warmth wouldn’t get sucked up by the Cold around him. He just wanted to be Warm.

“Hey Brian,” he knew that voice, Brian thought–at least the voice knew Brian–but he couldn’t place the name of it. “Bri, are you with me?”

Brian couldn’t answer, just leaned in further to the Warmth. The Warmth at least seemed to get the message, encircling him in a hug. Something–someone?–was breathing against him.

“I think you need a break, love,” the Warmth said. Who called him dearheart? He should know who called him such a kind nickname with that amount of tenderness. But the Cold was still making it hard to think. He couldn’t remember what the Warmth’s name was. He hoped they weren’t mad, he didn’t want to be alone and cold again. “You seem a bit out of it. I think this is the worst it’s ever gotten…”

Brian wanted to ask how the voice could cut through the Cold, could speak despite the Void absorbing any and every sound.

He was so cold, but at least now there was a little bit of warmth.

“Brian? Do you think you can try to respond in some way? Just so I know you can hear me, at least.”

Brian leaned into the warmth in response. He didn’t think he could move much more or speak. The Cold would take his words. He did try to lift his hand, though, at least. He wasn’t sure how successful he was. The Warmth hummed in response, grabbing the hand that he’d tried to lift up. Their hand was calloused and rough, but familiar and comforting.

“Okay, that’s good. I’m gonna take that as you responding. Do you want to take a break? I’m sure Aurora can handle herself for a little while. Squeeze my hand once for yes, twice for no.”

Brian didn’t know what that meant, and didn’t squeeze the Warmth’s hand. He managed to try to make a small noise, something that he hoped intoned a bit of confusion, but the Cold absorbed it like he feared. He wasn’t sure if the Voice heard him at all.

There was a moment of silence, and the Warmth’s grip on him tightened. It was so nice. “Brian?”

He squeezed once.

“Do you know where you are?”

He hesitated before responding. He was in the Void of space, where else would he be? He’d never been anywhere else. He’d never be anywhere else.

He was so cold.

“You’re on the starship Aurora,” the Voice started, “in the cockpit. We were on our way towards Yggdrasil. You were flying us to Yggdrasil.”

Aurora. That was a familiar name. It was warm, bright like the blinking lights off in the distance. He knew that name. Why did he know that name? It wasn’t the Voice’s name. What was the Warmths name? They had to have a name.

The name ‘Yggdrasil’, though, was cold and left him shivering and trying to curl up. He knew that name too, for some reason, but it was piercing cold and he wished the Warmth was larger so he could seek more shelter in their embrace.

“Brian?”

He squeezed their hand again.

“You know you’re on the Aurora, right?”

That’s what the Warmth had said before, but Brian wasn’t sure. How could he be anywhere that wasn’t the Cold?

Brian decided to squeeze their hand twice. It was wrong to lie.

“Do you trust me when I tell you that that’s where you are?”

He squeezed once, hesitated, then squeezed two more times. He knew they weren’t lying, they were just as bad at lying as he was, but he still held doubt.

The Warmth sighed, the vibrations starting up again.

The Voice could hear him, before, he thinks. Through the Cold. So, he tried to do something unfathomable. The Cold would take the words, surely, but he had to try. “I’m cold,” he mumbled. The Warmth squeezed him.

“I bet, Bri… I–… We should get you somewhere warm. And somewhere bright. You will have to walk a bit, though, dear. I’m not tall or strong enough to carry you, and I– I think most of the others are asleep? At least Raph is.”

Brian squeezed the warmths’ hand again. He wasn’t sure if he could walk, there wasn’t anything resembling solid ground in the Cold.

“Okay. How’re your joints today? Where’s your cane?”

Brian attempted that questioning noise, again. It seemed that the Cold couldn’t take the sounds so long as it was the Voice listening.

This Voice was good with noise, after all. Better with music, but not as good as Mari. No one was as good as Marius at Music.

There was rustling and the warmth withdrew slightly, which he only responded to by curling further into himself. He didn’t want to be cold again, now that he knew what it was like to be Warm again. He started humming, a song he had known for a long time. Maybe it would warm him up again.

There was a man, both good and true…

All alone and a-lowly…

Branded a Witch for what he could do…

Lost in the Cosmos, lonely…

“I’ve found it, Brian,” the Voice said, warmth returning. They placed something in his hand, something cool, something that felt like carefully polished wood. He flinched, at the coldness, but the warmth held his hand. “You’re okay, dear. It’s just your cane, to help you walk. I’m gonna brace you too, okay?”

Brian attempted to nod. His neck felt stiff and cold, but he didn’t have any other easy way of communication at that moment.

“Okay. We’re gonna stand up now. Lean on me and your cane, it’ll help.” The Warmth’s grip tightened around his back and shoulders, and started to stand. Brian still doubted that there was floor to stand on, but he trusted the Warmth (what was their name he should know their name) and followed their lead in standing.

He still felt floaty, and the cane in his hand was doing most of the heavy lifting in keeping him upright, but he was surprised to find that there was something solid underneath his claws. Something cold and metallic, but something nonetheless. The floor under him vibrated–purring, he suddenly remembered. That’s what she was doing. She was concerned about him.

“Hm? What is it, Aurora?” The Voice asked, and Brian leaned more on them. He hoped they were fine with that, he wasn’t sure the Cold wouldn’t steal him away again if he didn’t stay close to the Warmth. “Aurora, you don’t have to– okay. I know you don’t like people in the Engine Room though… Yeah. Yeah it probably would.” There was angry hissing and creaking, timed with the vibrating metal he was standing on. Brian wrapped his tail around the Warmth, for just a bit of added security. “Okay, okay! To the Engine Room then. Lead the way, Aurora.”

The Warmth led him down, down, down, towards something that was bright like the stars and just as warm. Something that reminded him of the Voice (he should really know their name, why couldn’t he think of it?) but it was also different. Something her own. Something distinctly Aurora. They hummed something under their breath, something familiar. Gassed last night, and gassed the night before… Gonna be gassed tonight, if we’re never gassed no more…

Brian hummed along, but eventually the song he was humming drifted off to something different. That familiar song–

They took him and threw him into the sky

All alone and a-lowly…

Whence he came, and where he would die…

Lost in the cosmos lonely…

The Warmth stopped, and the place they entered seemed to be warm enough to burn away the Cold. He was still cold, and he still wasn’t sure that he wasn’t in the Void, but it was Warm here. The metal floor creaked and groaned. Aurora was trying to say something.

“Hm?” Brian tried. He wished he could talk to her like Nastya could. The Warmth led him further into the Heat around them.

“C’mon, dearheart. We’re going to stay down here for a while, alright?”

Brian nodded, letting the Voice lead the way. The Warmth sat down, laying Brian down on top of them, setting Brian’s cane to the side for him and grabbing his hand.

“Better?” Brian squeezed the Warmth’s hand once. His tail was still wrapped tightly around them. “That’s good. Close your eyes, okay, love? I’m going to sing something.”

Brian nodded, complying and closing his eyes. The Warmth began running a hand through his hair quietly, before finally starting to sing.

“Oh my loves, raise a glass, to those we leave behind

We may end up dead, with a bullet in the head

But if we’re not returning from this damn fool quest,

Then tonight let’s drown our sorrows down with whiskey…”

He knew this song, he’d helped write it. Usually Marius would sing this part…

Brian felt himself relaxing, felt exhaustion seep into his bones (did he have bones anymore? Or was it something else that made his skeletal structure? Did he even need an internal support system, being made of metal now?). The Voice (he almost had their name again, he could almost find it in the recesses of his mind somewhere) continued to sing, playing all the parts in Blood and Whiskey, and Aurora hummed and purred underneath them, her own warmth fighting off the Cold. As the Voice sung quietly, Brian let himself drift gently into sleep, content that Aurora and the Warmth wouldn’t let him fall into that omnipresent Cold again.

When he woke up, restarted, whatever it was his body did, he was in Aurora’s engine room. She had kept it closed off, since Nastya went out, hoping to keep the warmth in for whenever she returned–even if Nastya didn’t love her the same way anymore, she still deserved some place warm to rest–but she’d let him in because of how Cold he was.

He’d have to do something for her, in return.

Based on the low, quiet creaking, she was asleep. So he’d have to do something helpful when she was awake.

Snoring above him, though, was Tim. His Warmth, a light in the darkness, the lovely Gunpowder Tim. Their eyes were wide open, but the soft snoring indicated they were asleep as well. Brian squeezed their hand. How could he have forgotten their name? He must’ve been more out of it than he thought.

Gunpowder startled, and blinked a few times.

“Are you awake, love?” Brian asked quietly. His voice sounded weird, but it was better than not hearing it at all.

“Mm– yeah… You weren’t awake long?” Tim mumbled. They reached up and rubbed their eyes.

“Not at all,” Brian replied. “Maybe a minute, honestly. Pronouns?”

“‘M too tired to think about that right now… Whatever’s fine…” Tim looked down at him, eyes soft. “You feeling better, dearheart?”

“Yes, much better. I don’t know what happened, one moment I was fine and then…”

“Don’t stress too much, okay? It happens. Just… A really bad flashback, from what I could tell. Don’t quote me on that, though. It’s too early to think.”

“I think it’s late, actually,” Brian grinned slightly, “since Aurora’s asleep and all.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

Brian chuckled, and Gunpowder rolled their eyes in response. “Do you think we can stay for a little longer? I think I’d like to go back to sleep for a while.”

“It’s probably fine. Aurora can always kick us out later.” Tim yawned, and cuddled up closer to Brian, moving so they were laying next to him instead of with his head in their lap. “You’re warm and comfy, anyway.”

“I could say the same thing to you, darling.”

“Mhm…” Tim closed their eyes, and pretty soon their breathing evened out. Brian pulled them closer, and closed his own eyes. He could stay like this forever.