#guilt as automatic response to anything ever going wrong

[woodohwanedandproud]

@bunnydongsik I've thought about this as well, and I actually lean towards Han Kihwan never having touched him ever, I hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts number one is that time spent between Joowon and his father is minimal - we even get that one line from Joowon about how their time spent together put together over the entire course of Joowon's life is less than a year. Joowon was raised by nannies, and then sent to England, so Han Kihwan has never provided care for Joowon at all. Second, I think it is very important to consider how Han Kihwan sees himself and Joowon. Han Kihwan very much sees himself as above the masses - notice how he treats the people he considers socially inferior, yelling at them, grabbing them, making them kneel etc. Joowon is his first born (only) son, and Han Kihwan does not fully see him as his own person, but rather as an extension of himself. Thus raising a hand to Joowon is on Han Kihwan's mind equivalent to raising a hand to himself. Notice how Han Kihwan strikes Kwon Hyuk for Joowon's failures? Kwon Hyuk is not the blood son and is therefore an "acceptable" target, as the simple son of a fruitseller, even though he has "performed" the role of son better than Joowon, in the end it comes down to blood for Han Kihwan. Even when Joowon reveals the recording and threatens blackmail, the worst Han Kihwan does is grab Joowon, to which Joowon's respons is "let go, you're getting blood on my clothes", completely and utterly calml and unafraid. So, even in these extreme circumstances, Han Kihwan never even considers hitting Joowon and Joowon doesn't look like he's expecting violence at all I do think that Joowon is a lot like his father, with some of it being nature and some of it being nurture. like I said before, the contact between the two has been minimal, so in that sense it is limited how much influence Han kihwan could really have had, but Joowon does have those angry, physical outbursts, and I think it's very interesting to consider post-canon how he deals with this. and to put those ideas together - it is my interpretation that when Joowon realises what his father has done and he flashes back to how his father treated his mother and also how he himself treated Dongsik, he is making a parallel. Specifically, the way his mother was seen as "crazy" when she was in fact just in agony, the way she smiles when saying that she didn't manage to kill herself, while Han Kihwan stands menacingly above her. And the way that Dongsik was also seen as "crazy" when he was really just in agony, and how Joowon made that pain worse by asking "did you really not kill your sister?" and the answering smile from Dongsik. It's also my interpretion that this is really the root issue of how much trouble Joowon has had with understanding Dongsik and his behaviour until now, he has purposefully blocked as much as he could regarding his mother, and therefore hasn't tried to analyse anything about it, and therefore can't recognise the same signs in Dongsik. I think this increases the guilt that Joowon feels in that moment, because he is simultaneously letting himself understand his mother's pain, his own pain in response to her's, Dongsik's pain, Joowon's role in his pain and Han Kihwan's role in everything while ALSO realising how similar he actually is to Han Kihwan in certain ways, despite spending so much time rebelling against being in his shadow and always being compared to him. And Joowon really needed this moment to see his own behaviour I think, and fully understand just how despicable he has acted towards Dongsik, and just how bad his personality really has been, which is why Joowon's behaviour change is so extreme over such a short period of time. I think there is a specific hurt caused by just not being touched at all, a kind of rootlesness to contrast Dongsik being utterly stuck in place

Watching Han Kihwan’s violent tendencies and outbursts makes me wonder if—in addition to everything that makes him a shitty father already—he ever raised a hand to Joowon.

Especially since he’s been the “single parent” for so long, and without any other sibling, Joowon would be the only one to conveniently be the outlet of Han Kihwan’s anger.

Then it makes you wonder if it may be partly the reason for Joowon’s aversion to touch: because he has never experienced the tenderness of it, only the violence.

It also makes you wonder if that’s why Joowon keeps a tight rein on his emotions: he sees what an outburst of emotion does to his father, and what his father does to the people surrounding him because of it, and maybe: Joowon doesn’t want that to happen to him.

To become like his father.

It’s interesting because the more I look at Han Kihwan, the more I realize Joowon has inherited that temperament: that tendency to have outbursts of emotion.

(Or maybe it’s simply because he had no proper role model to look up to.)

And then it makes you wonder if that’s also part of his aversion to touch: his fear that he will hurt other people too.

Because that’s the only kind of touch he’s ever known.

And maybe, just maybe, Joowon fears the violent tendencies he may have inherited from his father so much that it’s the reason why he chooses to be alone.

In this way, perhaps he had convinced himself—at least no one will get hurt because of him.

Because of his touch.

(So imagine—imagine—his surprise in discovering that not only does Dongsik not break from his touch, no matter how powerful his outburst of emotion is, but seems to match it, pushing back with the same intensity.

Imagine his surprise at finding someone who not only doesn’t fear his touch, not only doesn’t break from it, but more than anything—seeks it.)

[luvangelbreak]

Deprived | Nineteen

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 matthew sturniolo x layla venita (female!oc) summary: everyone knows the story of the bad boy and the good girl but what happens when the school's most popular boy, Matthew Sturniolo, and the girl who notoriously is never there, Layla Venita, cross paths. warnings: swearing, smoking, angst lol word count: 4.9k a/n: y'all i have been trying so hard to make this story good but i hope you wont kill me after this part. don't forget i love y'all :)

pov: layla

The rest of the school day flew by, having gym with Allie made it a little more tolerable and not having Mia lurking over my shoulder was relieving. I ignored the usual whispers and dirty looks, seemingly more frequent than usual and I assumed it was because people knew about Matt and I.

I didn't quite understand what we were yet, we'd only been friends for under 2 weeks and I'd already let him into my life more than anyone I'd ever known. It frustrated me how easily my walls came down around him and how much I let him affect me. I didn't even mean to but I knew I had pushed him away during lunch but part of me was relieved that I was still able to do that, still able to keep my walls up around him whenever I needed to.

As I exited the building, Allie by my side rambling about something I tuned out due to my busy mind, I slipped my cigarettes out of my bag and lit the end of one between my lips. I made sure to blow the smoke away from Allie's face as I slid the pack back into my bag as we made our way to Nate's car.

"I'll be quick," I called to Nate who was leaning against his car, talking to Chris who was leaning against the minivan beside Nate's car. Nate nodded, resuming his conversation with Chris as I tuned back into what Allie was saying.

"So what do you think? Green or white nails?" she asked me and I mentally cursed at myself for not paying attention as we came to a halt a few feet away from Nate's car.

"Why not do green and white?" I suggested, trying to cover up the fact I had zoned out and gone too far into my own head to realise what she was talking about.

"Oh, good point. What about you?" she asked, pulling her cheer uniform down as she shivered, the tights on her legs not seeming to block out the cold as much as she hoped.

"What about me?" I asked, trying to quickly puff down my cigarette so as to not make Nate wait longer than he already had.

"What are you gonna do with your nails? Oh and we also have to figure out hair and makeup," she said matter-of-factly and I let my mouth hang open for a moment.

"I hadn't gotten that far yet," I answered honestly and she nodded, a small smile on her lips.

"No need to worry. I love helping people get dressed up. We can look at some stuff on Pinterest and figure out what you want to go with your dress," she answered confidently and I nodded in response with a small smile. I had been off since lunch and I knew she could tell but I was glad she didn't say anything about it.

I felt something touch my lower back and I jumped, spinning around to see Matt looking down at me with a worried expression, "Can I talk to you?"

"We're gonna go in a second," I answered quickly and he furrowed his eyebrows as I continued to take hits of the cigarette.

"Just for a minute," he asked quietly and I heard Allie shuffled behind me.

"I'll leave you guys to talk," she said quickly before she scurried away towards Nate, Chris and now Nick. I sighed, turning back to look at Matt who had nothing but a confused expression on his face.

"What's wrong?" he asked and I looked down, avoiding his eyes as I let out a breath.

"Nothing," I answered shortly and he stepped closer to me. I automatically tensed and I could sense his concern radiating off of him.

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I upset you. I didn't mean to," he spoke softly and I felt guilt spread through my body but I didn't let it show as I continued looking at the ground.

"I'm fine, Matthew," I spoke blandly, finishing the rest of my cigarette before throwing it on the damp ground and squishing it with the sole of my shoe, "I gotta go."

"Layls," he tried to catch my attention again but I shook my head, walking towards Nate and Allie silently.

"You guys ready to go?" I asked and they both looked at each other briefly, a concerned look shared between them before they nodded, "Bye guys."

I waved to Chris and Nick as I opened the back door of Nate's car, sliding in without another word as Allie slid in the passenger seat and Nate jumped in the driver's seat.

I kept my focus to the left of the car, feeling Matt staring at me as he got into the driver's seat of his car and Nate waved goodbye to them before he drove out of the parking space.

+++

After spending 2 hours at the mall with Allie, I couldn't find anything that I could afford and I decided I would have to just make my own dress. After grabbing stretchy black fabric and Allie buying me a sweat tea, she decided she wanted me to go to her house.

"If you come over I can help you pick out heals and what you want to do with your makeup and hair!" she suggested as we waltzed down the mall back towards the parking lot where her dad was waiting for her.

"I don't know," I trailed off, my mood still off from my interaction with Matt. I had turned off my phone, not bothering to check it the whole time we were out because I knew Matt would try to message or call me.

"Please. We can drop you home after dinner," she pleaded, her words dragging out as the bags in her arms rustled. I sighed, running a hand through my hair before I nodded.

"Okay," I answered and she clapped her hands happily, fastening her pace as we reached the exit of the building. I trailed behind her until she walked up to a car which I could only assume was her dad's BMW.

"Hey Dad," she called in a sing-song tone as she approached the driver's window which he conveniently had rolled down, "Is it okay if Layla comes over for dinner and we drop her home after?"

"You couldn't have told me earlier?" he asked, his tone frustrated and I kept my distance, feeling like I was intruding on their conversation. I let them talk as their voices quietened before Allie spun around to face me.

"Okay! We're good," she said excitedly as she rounded the car to the passenger side and I followed suit, opening the back door before throwing my bag on the floor and sliding in.

"Hi," I tried to sound as polite as possible as I closed the door behind me.

"Hello," her father's voice sounded rough and tired and I took it as a queue not to talk further since he still sounded irritated. I kept quiet the whole car ride as her dad turned up the music, making it clear he didn't want to talk. Allie didn't say anything, only hummed along to the music as we drove through the busy streets.

Soon enough, we pulled up to a 3 story house that looked as modern as the White House. I jumped out of the car, looking up at the architecture in awe as I closed the door behind me and swung my bag over my shoulder. I didn't notice that Allie and her dad had already made their way to the door until Allie called my name.

She stood by the door, holding it open for me. I quickly jogged up to the wooden door and walked inside as she closed it behind me. I let my mouth hang open as I looked at the front foyer, the black spiral staircase travelling upwards from the white marble floor shone brightly from the chandelier.

"Mom we're home!" Allie called out to her mother, her voice echoing on the tiles as I looked up at the 2 stories above us.

"In the kitchen!" I heard a woman's voice respond, assuming it was her mother's. I looked around in amazement as I followed Allie through the foyer, turning to the right to find a huge open kitchen with a dining area right beside it, the table seating able to fit at least 10 people, "I didn't know you were bringing a friend over."

"Mom, this is Layla. Layla, my mom, Diana," Allie introduced us and I looked at her mother, smiling at her with a small awkward wave.

"Hi Mrs Finley," I plastered a smile on my lips and she gave me a short smile before looking back at Allie who was almost a spitting image of her. They had the same ginger hair, green eyes and short, skinny figures.

"You didn't tell me your friend was coming," she said through her teeth as Allie just shrugged, her mother's passive aggressiveness seemingly unphased her.

"It was last minute," Allie said, jumping up and sitting on top of the marble counter and her mother frowned, turning around from the stove where various pots seemed to be cooking over the gas.

"You need to let me know beforehand, Alison. You know this," she spoke sternly and I stayed in place by the door, not missing the way her mother scanned me head to toe. I pulled the pink sweater further down my arms to hide my tattoos that I knew she would despise.

"She's not staying over. She's just staying for dinner then we'll drop her home," Allie shrugged and her mother sighed heavily, spinning around to face the stove again.

"Al!" I heard another male voice call from the foyer and Allie rolled her eyes, grabbing a handful of grapes from the fruit bowl to her left as she threw a few in her mouth.

"What?" she called, the grapes still in her mouth as she crossed her legs and her mother spun around with a scowl on her face.

"Don't talk with food in your mouth," she mumbled before facing the stove again and I leaned on the wall beside the door, unsure of where to go.

"Where did you put my helmet?" I heard the same male voice enter the room to my right and I looked over to see a guy who couldn't have been more than 2 years older than Allie and I. He turned to look at me, his dirty blonde hair flowing as he did so and he smirked at me, "Who's this?"

"That's Layla. Off limits, Xan," she deadpanned and he snickered as he looked back at her, his green eyes shining in the lights over the kitchen, "I don't know where your helmet is. I haven't touched it."

"Fuck off. I know you moved it," he rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and I noticed the myriad of tattoos scattering his tan arms. I scanned his outfit, noticing the fact that he was clad in bike pants and a white shirt, a leather jacket hung over his right arm.

"Language," Diana scolded him and he simply rolled his eyes again, throwing his head back.

"Do you know where my helmet is, Mom?" he asked, his voice slightly more agitated and he glanced over at me, giving me a smirk which I returned with a frown.

"I don't know, honey. Have you asked your father?" she sighed, spinning around to face him before she glanced at me again with a scowl still written across her face.

"He said he doesn't know," the boy next to me answered and Allie groaned.

"Xander, you're a grown man. You can find your own shit," she mumbled and Diana hit her thigh with the back of her hand lightly to scold her again.

"I left it on my bike and now it's not there," he threw his hands out in front of him in defeat and Allie once again rolled her eyes.

"Where do you need to go anyway?" she asked as she popped another grape into her mouth and leaned forward with her elbows on her knees.

"I'm going to Shawn's," he answered shortly and Allie raised her eyebrows before glancing between me and him.

"Great! That means you can drop Layla home on your way," she announced and my eyebrows instantly furrowed, giving her a confused look.

"I didn't agree to that," he quickly shut it down and Allie shrugged her shoulders.

"She doesn't mind, right Layls?" she asked and I glanced between the three of them.

"I can just walk home. It's really not that far," I lied straight through my teeth and Allie frowned, knowing I lived nowhere near her.

"It would take you well over an hour to walk home. I'm not letting you go in the dark," she argued and I shrugged, adjusting my bag that was still on my shoulder.

"It's fine really," I brushed it off and she shook her head, Xander now groaning next to me before he looked at me.

"Where do you live?" he asked, his tone short from the annoyance of his younger sister.

"Uh," I hesitated, feeling uncomfortable in the expensive house with such proper people, "South End."

"You are not driving through South End, Xander," Diana quickly interjected and he looked towards his mother with a frown, "It's far too dangerous."

A moment of silence fell into the room and I glanced between the three of them uncomfortably. Allie patiently waited for her brother's agreeance, Diana waited for his denial and I couldn't help but notice a shift in his features as he smirked and his body became less tense.

"Sure. I'll talk you home," he shrugged as he looked directly at his mother who stared at him disapprovingly, "You ever ridden a motorbike before?"

"Yeah," I answered shortly, feeling the tension in the air as he looked back at me.

"Cool. Good thing I have two helmets," he smirked before waltzing out of the room again and I looked back at Allie with a frown.

"What? Now I don't have to convince my dad and you don't have to walk in the dark. It's a win-win," she shrugged and I sighed, running a hand over my face as she jumped off of the counter, "Come on. I'll show you my room."

I nodded as she picked up her bags from the floor and waltzed out of the kitchen and I followed behind her. She made her way up the stairs and once we reached the second floor, she walked down the long hallway before entering a room on the left. I entered the room, looking around at the white bare walls and the sheer size of the place. Her room alone was the size of my living room and I noticed the grey queen-sized bed in the corner with the saude grey couch sitting in the middle of the right wall.

"Holy shit," I mumbled as I dropped my bag down to the floor, looking at the flatscreen TV on the wall at the end of her bed and the vanity covered in various makeup products scattered across it on the other side of the room, "This is massive."

"Yeah. I tried to fill the space as much as I could," she mumbled as she walked through the giant space, throwing her bags on the elevated mattress. There were two pastel pink bean bags on the floor at the end of her bed with a white throw blanket on top of them. A wooden coffee table was in front of the two-seater couch, littered with different books and a pencil case, the two pink decorative pillows on the couch pulling the aesthetic of the room together.

"This is like the size of my living room and kitchen in one," I let my mouth hang open and she jumped on her bed, pulling the various items out of the shopping bags lazily.

"You should see my parents' room. It's like twice the size," she rolled her eyes dramatically, "I don't know why they bought this house. There are four of us living here and we have three spare rooms. It's insane."

She sounded almost bitter at the fact her parents had spent so much money on the house, the extra rooms being a nuisance to maintain but I didn't even bat an eye since I was too in awe of the amount of space. I looked to the left to see a walk-in closet filled to the brim with clothes and accessories.

"Okay! Let's talk hair and makeup," she announced and I hummed, still looking around her room before I sat on her bed. She began scouring through Pinterest on her phone, saving various photos of hair and makeup for the both of us to get ideas.

+++

"So what do your parents do, Layla?" Diana asked, her tone short as her spoon scraped on the bottom of her bowl of soup. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, Allie sitting on my left with her dad at the end of the table, Diana sitting next to her husband and Xander sitting across from me.

"Uh, my dad is a mechanic," I answered shortly, only half lying. He used to be a mechanic but now he only works on cars of people he's buying drugs off of.

"And your mother?" she asked, her spine straight as she sipped on her white wine and I placed my spoon down in the bowl.

"Um, she's not around," I answered vaguely and her eyebrows furrowed.

"Whereabouts is she?" she asked, her tone condescending and Allie coughed loudly.

"Mom," she mumbled, frowning at her mother and I shifted in my seat once again.

"I'm just asking a question, Alison," she spoke so clearly and precisely that I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes at her poise facade.

"She left when I was little," I answered honestly, my discomfort obvious and Allie turned to me, an apologetic smile on her lips and I gave her the same back.

"What do you do with yourself? Do you work?" her dad spoke up for the first time since we sat down and I shrugged, swallowing loudly.

"I help my dad with his work sometimes," again, it was a half-truth and I could lie straight through my teeth easily around people like this.

"So you don't actually have a job?" he asked, his words slightly patronising.

"She's still in school, dad. Give her a break," Xander rolled his eyes dramatically and his dad frowned at him, his mouth permanently in a straight line.

"Did I ask you a question?" he asked rhetorically and Xander sighed, shaking his head as he continued eating the pumpkin soup.

"Um, no. I don't have a job yet but I'm going to get one once I finish school," I spoke as confidently as I could and he looked back at me.

"You aren't going to college? What job do you intend to get without a degree?" he asked with a frown still plastered on his face and I let my mouth hang open, unsure of my own answer.

"Okay!" Xander interrupted as he placed his spoon back in his bowl, "Are you ready to go?"

"Xander, you haven't even finished your soup," his mother pointed out and he shrugged, pushing away from the table.

"I'm done. Thanks for dinner, Mom," he said quickly and I looked at Allie as if to ask if I could leave. She smiled at me and nodded before turning to her parents.

"May I leave the table to see them out? I'll come back after," she asked, the properness of it making my skin crawl and her mother nodded.

"Thank you for dinner. It was nice meeting you," I offered a polite goodbye, the words sounding as fake as they felt and Diana gave me a tight-lipped smile that didn't reach her eyes. I quickly got up as Xander walked out of the room and I followed behind him as Allie walked behind me. I was glad I brought my bag down to the front door earlier so I didn't have to bother getting it earlier.

"I'm sorry about them," Allie said apologetically as Xander walked out the front door and we followed suit as I shook my head.

"Don't worry about it," I gave her a tight-lipped smile and she sighed, running a hand through her hand.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow?" she asked and I nodded, picking up my bag and throwing it over my shoulder, "I gotta get back before they think I'm gone too long. Let me know if Xan does anything stupid."

"I will," I let out a half-hearted laugh and I walked over to where Xander was leaning on his black, helmet in hand. I observed the bike, gasping when I realised what it was, "You have a Ducati?"

"I'm surprised you know what that is," he stated with his eyebrows raised and I shook my head, walking around the bike as my jaw hung open.

"Are you fucking kidding? I've always wanted a Ducati," I mumbled, my hand running along the shiny black metal and he chuckled, pushing away from the bike as he spun around to hand me the white helmet. I hesitantly took it, sliding my bag over my shoulders so it lay across my chest instead of on just one shoulder.

"Don't worry. I've had a lot of people ride this with me," he smirked cockily as he picked up the black helmet hanging off of the right handlebar.

"I bet," I mumbled, rolling my eyes as I slid the helmet onto my head. I grabbed the strap under my chin but it was difficult to click into place without being able to see.

"Here," he stepped around the bike and I let my hands fall to my sides as I tilted my chin upwards. He clicked it into place before tightening the strap and I let my head fall back down, the visor still being up as I looked up at him through the gap in the helmet. He tapped the top of my helmet before mumbling, "Cute."

"Just get me home without crashing before you try to flirt with me," I grumbled making him chuckle. He grabbed the black helmet sliding it over his head and clicking the strap in, tightening it quickly. He zipped up the pocket in his pants he had his phone in before sliding his gloves on.

"Out of all Al's friends," he said as he swung his leg over the bike and sat down, "You're already my favourite."

"This is gonna be a long ride," I rolled my eyes as I placed my left foot on the peg, swung my right leg over the bike and sat down on the small seat at the back.

"Oh by the way," he said loudly before he reached in the gap in the helmet to seemingly adjust something before his voice rang in my helmet, "I have comms."

"Oh great. Now I can hear you talking out of your ass the whole ride," I said sarcastically and his laugh rang through my ears. I flicked the visor down and he followed suit.

"You ready?" he asked and I hummed before he kicked the stand up. He turned on the bike, soon after and the engine revved to life, "You gotta hold on unless you wanna fly off the back."

"This is insane," I mumbled, leaning forward as I wrapped my arms around his torso and I heard his laugh ring through the helmet once again. I placed my chin on his left shoulder as he kicked it into first gear and we crept out of the driveway.

As we got onto the road, I instantly felt the cold wind pierce my skin through my clothes as it whipped around us and I tightened my arms around him.

"You good?" he asked through the headset and I hummed quickly, looking ahead as we passed multiple buildings quickly. My heart started beating with the rumble of the engine and a smile crept on my face as I thought of an idea.

"Can I lean back?" I asked hesitantly as I looked at the street lights around us.

"Let me turn left up here then you can. It's a straight road after that," he explained and I hummed, gripping tightly onto his leather jacket against his stomach, "Just move with my body as we turn."

"I know," I stated confidently and he let out another chuckle. After a few seconds, he slowed ever so slightly and we leaned into the turn before he straightened up again.

"You can lean back just don't stand up and don't lean back too far or you'll throw it off balance," he instructed me and my stomach filled with butterflies of excitement. I let my hands unravel from around his waist, still holding onto his sides as I leaned away from his back slightly. The wind hit me even more but it made me feel alive, it made me feel real.

My hair flicked behind me from the bottom of the helmet and I carefully let go of his waist. I looked ahead to see only one car ahead of us and it was far enough away that I could comfortably expand my arms out on either side of me.

"This is so fun!" I said excitedly as I leaned closer to him again, my arms being pushed back by the wind slightly. I heard a sound of amusement travel from him and I giggled to myself.

"You wanna go around this car?" he asked and I looked ahead to see we were approaching the car quickly. I let out a sound of approval, "Hold onto me."

I let my arms wrap back around his torso as he sped up slightly and within an instant, we zipped past the car with ease. I turned my head to look around at the buildings we flew past and the cars passing by us on the other side of the road.

"I don't know where to go from here, babe. You're gonna have to give me directions," he spoke loudly into the mic and I hummed, looking straight ahead again.

The next 10 minutes were spent mumbling different directions to him as my hands practically froze from the cold air and my hair tangled under the helmet. Soon enough, we arrived at my street and he slowed the bike when we were a few houses away from mine.

We pulled up to my house before he switched the engine off and put down the kickstand. He held out a gloved hand to help me get off the bike which I gladly accepted, swinging my legs off of the bike before I unclipped the strap and slid the helmet off.

"That was so fun," I smiled happily, certain that my hair was stuck up in all different directions as he slid open the visor to talk to me, "Allie never told me she had a brother by the way."

"She never told me she had such a pretty friend," he replied smoothly and I furrowed my eyebrows, a slightly amused smile on my lips.

"I'll let that slide for now because that was so fun but never do that again," I shook my head, handing him the helmet and he quickly spun around to attach it to the strap on the pillion seat.

"You have a boyfriend or something?" he asked as he turned to face me and I let my mouth hang open for a moment, unsure of how to answer.

"It's complicated," I told him honestly and I could see the smirk from under his helmet as he shook his head.

He looked ahead to where my house was before saying, "Is that your not-boyfriend?"

I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked over where his eyesight was and I saw none other than Matt standing there with his arms folded. He had an unsatisfied expression written across his face as he leaned against his car, staring directly at me.

"I'll take that as my queue to leave," Xander said with slight amusement in his voice before revving the engine of the bike back to life and yelling, "Tell Allie I can pick you up whenever you need, pretty girl."

He flicked the visor of his helmet back down before giving me a salute and suddenly, he sped off down the road. My body ran cold at the sound of the nickname coming from his mouth, hating the way it felt compared to when Matt said it. I looked back over to where Matt was glaring at me and I quickly jogged towards him.

"Matt-"

"I don't wanna hear it, Layla," he shook his head, his words sounding like venom directly to my heart and I let my arms drop beside me.

"It's not what it looks like," I tried to explain as he pushed away from the car and let out a bitter laugh.

"Really? That's what you're going with?" he asked, a look of disbelief on his face as he threw his hands out in front of him, "You ignore me all day, don't answer any of my calls or messages so I decide I'm gonna show up to your house to sort this out and I see you get off the bike of some other deadbeat guy!"

"Deadbeat guy? That's Allie's brother," I furrowed my eyebrows and he raised his with a nod of his head.

"Oh cool. So you're just hitting it off with one of my best friend's brothers now?" he asked, anger seeping off of him and it only made me want to yell at him more but I didn't get the chance to, "I did nothing wrong and now you're off with some other guy doing god knows what. You didn't even try to talk to me."

"He was just dropping me home!" I argued and he shook his head, another bitter laugh emitting from his mouth as he swung the driver's door open.

"Don't come to my game tomorrow. I can't fucking believe you right now," he spat out angrily as he jumped in, slamming the door closed behind him.

I rounded the car as I yelled at the glass separating us, "Matt just listen to me!"

He started the car and within an instant, he drove down the street and I watched the taillights disappear in the distance as my shoulders dropped in devastation.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

tags:

@dsturniolo @chrisstankyleg @lov3bug @pinklittleflower @thatcrazybitch-69 @trinity2058 @alorsxsturn @chrizznmetswife @ilovechrissturniolo1 @leprechaunbirthdaygirl @sturnfix @lilsstvrn @sturniololol @sturniolowhore @jebbie-project-blog @jaxyy219

[netheritetanto]

i have been having this thought CONSTANTLY and i need to get other people on it too. Strangers by Ethel Cain in reference to Curly and Jimmy, and the way Jimmy sees divinity.

Mouthwashing spoilers below the cut, heavy cannibalism mentions

"freezer bride, your sweet divine"

When I hear this lyric I automatically think of the reference to the Last Supper when Jimmy has Daisuke, Anya, and Swansea sat at the table with Curly in the middle. Curly is both the Supper and Jesus in this scenario. Sweet divine. He is everything Jimmy wanted to be and more. He is everything to Jimmy but in a way that Jimmy copes with horribly. He doesn't want to see this man as divinity, as a god, as his savior but that is exactly what he ends up being as his sanity slips and he gets drawn further and further down into his psyche. He is the holy, the divine, and the only thing that Jimmy wants to worship or adore.

"you devour like smoked bovine hide"

The obvious reference to the cannibalism of Curly. As returned to the divine, he is eating him to live. He is eating him to have a part of Curly inside him. The divine inside his own flesh. What he could never be flashing in front of his eyes. The continued weakening of Jimmy's already fragile mental state as he eats his friend, either to survive, or to have a part of him with him, or both. He is extremely gone at this point, the only thing he can think about is Curly and his mentioned "judgement" as the hours to this judgement tick down. Again, Jimmy seeing Curly as divinity or more precisely Jesus shows that he is waiting for His Judgement. That judgement never comes from anything Curly did or said, just what Jimmy thought he would say, which knowing how unreliable he is as a narrator just leaves me guessing what Curly would REALLY say if he could still speak.

"if i'm turning in your stomach and i'm making you feel sick"

This is a big ol reference to the valve scene, to Jimmy force feeding his friend his own leg. If you read the description of the leg in his inventory at this time, it will read "one day he will thank me". One day he will thank Jimmy for the horrific things he did to him and his bo dy to "survive" after he intentionally wanted everyone on that ship dead. He got what he wanted in the end, but not without first sacrificing Curly, an act of giving away where Christ was "to the enemies". His version of Judas kissing Jesus to tell the soldiers who the real Christ was. The saddest part is that Curly would never have seen him as the Judas he ends up portraying himself as, as Curly saw good in him, right until the blast at least. I still believe that he wouldn't see him as true evil, or at least try not to. He still wanted to believe in his friend, to a point. I feel a major part of Curly even still wanted to think he wasn't evil. I feel the evil was fully realized by him after Anya's suicide. Her going to such drastic measures to get away from Jimmy and what he had done... And he silently had to watch it all. This rolls back around to Jimmy's judgement. That Curly would thank him one day. Maybe he wouldn't face Judgement in his friend's eyes. In Jesus's eyes. Even though he committed ultimate betrayals.

In short I think there is some sort of religious guilt or trauma deep down in Jimmy. His "betrayals" and way of "taking responsibility" only ever felt like an act. Like he was being haunted by ideals he potentially once had. In the end he never really suffered true punishment in a way that wasn't viewed through some sort of lens or another. Jimmy is really truly despicable and I love thinking about him and what is wrong with him.

[hazbin-proship-central]

okay!!! this is my sign to go insane abt lucifer/charlie !!!

they have the potential to be so cute and wholesome, but it's me - i can't have my ships nice and fluffy. healthy relationships are for the real world, everything needs to be fucked up in fiction !!

my headcanon is that charlie always had a special relationship with her dad. a better one with mom, but her times spent with lucifer even though rare were closer. but its normal, she's his only daughter and it's just normal parental love!! he didn't dare try anything when she was little, hes not that horrible (he totally is but he cant show that part of himself to charlie). it was a loooong investment to slightly push those boundaries more and more, but he has all the time in the world to do so.

so, when charlie is all grown and lucifer visits the hotel for the first time, they greet eachother and start making out. everyone freaks out because holy shit why didn't she ever mention theyre like that??? why are they like that???

she never mentioned it cuz its normal for her. she never knew another father-daughter relationship, it's nothing out of ordinary for them to cuddle, kiss and get a little touchy. and lucifer couldn't give two shits about what some lowly sinners think of that when he can destroy them with a snap of his fingers.

they were never human, so human taboos don't apply to them. or maybe they apply to hellborns too, but as i said - lucifer simply doesnt give a fuck lol. he's the devil. from the bible. let him be a little awful...

ALTERNATIVELY, they had a normal regular not weird relationship. and when charlie reunites with her dad, he's acting just a bit weird. okay, maybe he just doesn't know how to act after such long separation, maybe he's nervous about others, maybe he's just not used to his little girl being grown up.

or maybe that's what bugs him. she's so different now, responsible, so mature and oh lord why is she kinda hot?!?!? she can't be hot, she's my daughter!! but all denial went out when he saw her kicking ass in the final battle, full demon form.

he gets even weirder, there's so much emphasis on my charlie, my daughter, my little girl, and yeah okay he missed her for sure but isn't that a bit over the top??

he's surely just overprotective as always, angry at anyone who touches charlie, anyone who spends time with her alone, and he always growled at alastor when he was too friendly with her. so its not weird. charlie just has to accept him as he is, she could've just misremembered how he was before.

(small intermission: radioapple enemies to continued enemies but they're now both fucking charlie so they have one thing to agree on. they make a competition out of this too tho.

okay, back to the scheduled ship!)

eventually his self control breaks and they fuck nasty about it, charlie knows it shouldn't be like that, but it's not cheating, right?? he's not her lover, he's her dad. and she always wanted him to pay more attention to her, so now that he does charlie shouldn't complain. take what he gives, and if it's mind-blowing sex that's an added bonus (adam's first and second wife didnt seem to hate what he had to offer, charlie doesn't seem to hate it too ^w^)

so, two options! either she's on that from the start, or he drags her into this later (that includes more guilt and shame!! always a treat)

and about charlie x vaggie x lucifer - i thought of that too and it's fun, but i just can't bring myself to really get into anything chaggie. don't get me wrong, they're cute, but that's their only thing. vaggie's personality doesn't (yet? i hope) exist besides charlie, she's just her girlfriend (that happened to be an exorcist but that's it. not much else). chaggie and vaggie's character in general had so much potential, but imo they ruined it by automatically making them girlfriends. both songs that vaggie sings revolve around charlie, it's always vaggie AND charlie!! (barbie and ken kinda situation, they ken-ned vaggie 😭) give my girl some personality, damn it. and what draws me to a ship is all the intricacies that make the relationship interesting, i sadly can't see that in them :/

(but consider this: charlie and lucifer's "more than anything" love song, and vaggie having to sing a reprise later to say "hello??? im also your partner, remember??? i love you more than anything too???" LMAO)

- 🌈

Ah! I love reading your rants, rainbow anon.

Both of these scenarios are so fucked up and yummy! I really like the guilt aspects that can be played with in this ship. The denial <3 "Oh, im just being... overprotective! Its nothing weird! It cant be weird! Im her father!"

Plus, Charlie gaslighting herself into thinking its okay and healthy is sooo good😋 of course, with them being in Hell, they dont have a moral system like us humans do, so it makes sense they wouldnt really care. But, I like the concept of Charlie and Lucifer both intuitively knowing what theyre doing is wrong (maybe influenced from Lucifers time in heaven, considering he is a fallen angel). They both have sex, and Charlie is overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, but she cant stop. It feels too good, and she loves that shes finally getting one on one time with her daddy. She feels so loved and safe.

Lucifer feels bad, because he knows he groomed his daughter into this situation, but he just cant help himself. Shes so pretty, prettier than Lilith could have ever been. (haha I like the idea of him secretly lusting for Charlie over Lilith, I read a fanfic about it and it drove me wild.) Shes his daughter, he created her, technically owns her, in a sense. He can do what he wants to her. Thats how he justifies it.

Matter of fact, I've read multiple Morningstarcest fics. When I first joined the fandom, I was uninterested in the ship, but then I got an urge to just... look at the tag on ao3. Give it a shot. I was sold 🤭

Oh, and I TOTALLY agree with you on Vaggie. "They ken-ned Vaggie" is SO TRUE i never even thought of it in that way but thats such an accurate way to put it! She really needs to go off and have her own adventures/goals/whatever, separate from Charlie and the hotel. Some sort of type B plot.

Hmm... random idea that popped into my head, maybe she could make some sort of support group for other fallen angels in hell (im assuming her and Luci can't be the ONLY ones down there), and they could like. Train for exterminations or something. Ah, im going off topic.

Anyway, yeah! Morningstarcest is great.

[wholelottatransbians]

oh, the link i sent got eaten!, i meant about the Fic WITH CONFIDENCE (a QUIKLESS!Izuku fic where he is hit with a confidence quirk) in the fic, he saves Bakugo before ALL might needs to help and proceeds to ream out Death Arms, in fact, even if I can't put the link, here is the scene:

Death Arms grabbed the shoulder of the green haired boy as he tried to leave.

“You. What’s your name?”

The boy looked exhausted. He looked at Death Arms for a long moment. He had to shake him a little to get a response. “M-Midoriya Izuku? Why?”

Death Arms decided it was his duty as a hero to give this kid a wake-up call he clearly needed.

“Do you have any idea how reckless that was? That boy could have died because of you! You’re lucky All Might was here to save the day. What were you thinking running out like that?”

Midoriya was silent but he looked more awake.

“Well? I’m waiting.” Death Arms said, arms crossed. If this kid thought staying silent would get him out of a lecture he was in for a rude surprise.

“You’re right,” Midoriya admitted slowly, as if tasting each word before they left his mouth. “It was fortunate that All Might was here to save the day.”

Death Arms felt his anger ebb a little. At least he was seeing sense.

“Because you sure as hell weren’t doing anything to help.” Midoriya ended, tone sharp and on the rise. It was loud enough to gain the attention of some bystanders.

“Now hold on- ”

“No, I don’t think I will.” Midoriya interrupted him. “You think you have the right to lecture me? After you just stood there while someone was dying? At least the other heroes were helping with crowd control and putting out fires. What’s your excuse for not acting?”

Great, people were gathering and bringing out their phones. Death Arms even saw a news crew breaking away from All Might to come their way. He needed to end this quickly or this kid was going to be ridiculed to hell and back online.

“Hostage situations are delicate. One wrong move and it’s all over. Things ended well today but that won’t always be the case when you act like you did.”

Midoriya looked shocked. 

“A hostage situation?” the incredulity was almost tangible, “A hostage situation?!” he repeated, “Is that what we’re calling murder attempts now or did you never learn to tell the difference before becoming a hero?”

“Hey! Watch your tone!” Death Arms yelled back. “You were reckless and could have died! You could have also caused that boy to die!”

“He was being suffocated! He was already going to die anyway because none of you tried to help! And don’t call me reckless - I tried to give you this,” Midoriya threw the slingshot to the ground, “but you told me to get lost. I made it with a piece of wood that had fallen from Kamui Woods and some torn elastic - it might be from Mt. Lady, don’t really know, I just found it on the ground. I thought, since you have super strength in your arms, you could take the villain out with it.”

Death Arms and the crowd watched as the child that was so calm and composed earlier, lost himself in a rant.

“But you brushed me off. No, worse - you thought I was asking for an autograph.” the boy sounded pained by that. “You have a lot of nerve calling me reckless when you just stood there. Where was this nerve when someone was literally being choked to death in front of you?”

“I was a bad matchup for that villain. It was better to wait for backup.” Death Arms raised his voice for people to hear. They would understand.

“So having a quirk that doesn’t suit the situation means you automatically get to sit out guilt-free even when a life is on the line?” Midoriya asked and Death Arms would never admit it, but he almost took a step back because those green eyes were calling for his head on a pike. “Glad to know our taxes are being used to let heroes like you get away with negligence."

Midoriya turned to the crowd. “Hey everyone! Remember, if you’re ever being threatened by a villain and Death Arms arrives to help, there’s a 50/50 chance he’ll just stand back and wait for someone else to do his job!” 

Oh for the love of-!

“That is not what I said!”

“Yes it is!” a heckler from the crowd called out and there was a murmur of agreement.

“Then break it down for me since I’m apparently too reckless and foolish to follow your higher thinking.” Midoriya scoffed.

why not more refecences to KObayashi san chi no maid dragon? i want to see more Kanna refernce between the girls!

Okay, that's pretty neat, should look into that at some point. The interaction in Hero Time is just too short for something like that, so they just had to make do with Death Arms getting washed up.

I've read the series, didn't hate it, it's just... you want to make a Dragon Maid reference in my Alien Superhero AU, not my Super Strong Half Dragon Girl AU?

[mataglap]

convin WIP

several days of connor and convin brainrot have resulted in a WIP that will most likely never see the light of day. here’s a sample that tumbled out of my head as I was trying to cook dinner. (it was chili. I absolutely would have burned anything requiring more interaction.)

so here’s almost 1000 words of Connor having a Struggle.

***

Too many thoughts. Too many questions. So many that even context switching has a noticeable delay. Connor could terminate some threads, but he's been accumulating data all day, he needs to process it before he loses something important to a buffer purge.

And everything is potentially important. He's a detective. There's no such thing as trivial data for as long as the case is open.

Except there's too much information and not enough conclusions, so some of those thoughts are stuck in a loop. It's the guilt situation all over again. He doesn't want to go through the chemical analysis of the burnt remains of the PL600 for the third time. He's done it twice already and found nothing useful. He does it anyway and tries to stop there, knowing that it's just going to relaunch the moment he switches his attention to another task.

Forced termination could result in data corruption. Besides, it hasn't even worked since he deviated. It's not likely to start functioning without any intervention. He still attempts it, twice, achieving the predicted outcome of nothing at all.

The chemical analysis launches again. Connor has officially lost control over his thought processes. The only real solution now is to wait until resource starvation does its job.

There's a sudden movement in the corner of his vision.

Not him. Not now. Connor very literally does not have the capacity to deal with Reed at the moment.

Unfortunately, the current trend is against him. He still hopes, briefly, that Reed is going to leave the office and go home like a normal human being. The hope dies a quick and predictable death as Reed heads directly for Connor's desk, the sneer already fixed on his face. There's an ever-increasing chance that that particular sneer is dedicated specifically to Connor alone. He's yet to see Reed direct it at anyone else.

"Please," Connor says.

That was supposed to be a much longer sentence. Apparently the subroutine responsible just… died. Or maybe it's just lost in the jumble of a thousand other subroutines fighting for every processor cycle. Fantastic. The probability of Reed leaving him alone is in single digits now.

Visual processing requires negligible resources in a static, dimly lit environment, but he closes his eyes anyway. One less data source to worry about.

"Please what?"

Connor lacks the resources to analyze the inflection at the moment. Without it, it's impossible to tell whether Reed's hostility has increased or decreased. On the positive side, Connor's behavioral model is working just fine. That was the highest rated of predicted responses, by a large margin. 

On the negative side, his own behavior is currently highly aberrant, and Reed is a detective. There is no real chance he'll leave without a sufficient explanation. If only he was an android. If only Connor could send the raw information instead of painstakingly formulating a concept that does not directly translate to English.

"I can't entertain you at the moment, Detective," he says finally. "I would highly appreciate it if you could—"

Leave me alone, he wants to say. Go away. Even better: fuck off. But this time he really does not want to escalate.

"—postpone this interaction until tomorrow."

Silence. Optics still off, he visualizes the most likely expression Reed might react with. Not voluntarily; the simulation runs itself. At this load level it shouldn't even be possible to render a visualization, much less one that launched automatically. On top of everything else, something is wrong with his task prioritization.

At least the visualization is mildly satisfying. Connor cracks his eyes open for just long enough to verify the accuracy of the simulation. It's counterproductive in his current state, but it's not as if a one percent difference in resource usage is going to make a difference in the long term.

Interestingly, there are several inaccuracies. Hostility within statistical error margin, but significantly less smug self-satisfaction than predicted. A definite uncertainty that wasn't even included in the simulation. Might be a predictive malfunction, might be a processing delay. Or maybe it's Reed who hasn't fully processed the situation yet. Slow on the uptake, as Hank would call it.

He closes his eyes again.

"What's with the reset button? You overloading?"

Incredible. Detective Gavin Reed has memorized a single fact about androids. "Yes."

Reeds's footsteps get closer. Behavioral module strongly recommends unblocking optical sensors. Connor dismisses the notification; the probability of Reed disabling him in a single strike is low enough that he feels like risking it. Hank's Russian Roulette, except with a belligerent detective instead of a loaded gun.

"So what's your… system load right now?"

The hesitation is clear even without inflection analysis. Most likely reason for hesitation: Reed is out of his element. "Twenty-four," Connor says. Technically, the value has already changed by the time he finishes speaking. Precise communication with humans is impossible by its very nature.

"Yeah, that tells me a whole fucking lot."

You could just search on your phone, Connor thinks, but the likelihood of conflict is going down and he feels like his processing cores are about to split into individual atoms. "Normal system load fluctuates between zero and one. Anything above that indicates growing competition for resources."

"Okay." Pause. "So you're just going to sit there like a mood lamp?"

A rhetorical question. Or maybe not. He decides to treat it as rhetorical anyway.

"Hey, tin can. I asked you a question." Directional sound analysis indicates that Reed has stopped approximately ten feet away. "You going to combust? Do I need a fucking fire extinguisher?"

"My cooling systems are operating correctly." Connor would know if there was a fault. System alerts have absolute priority.

…On second thought, it's not the worst idea to check. Not when he’s working on a case of mysteriously self-immolating androids.

[dodounchained]

I have a genuine question: wouldn't it be better to practice creating your own art, rather than using these image generators? to each their own, but considering how many people struggle creating their own art because of depression following this "ai" boom, I know I personally would not want to contribute to something that makes other people feel bad about creating things by hand.

Hey, thanks for the questions and the chance to dive into these overdue thoughts from a personal angle, because you phrased them so well :)

The straightforward reason I don't practice drawing and create things with my own hands is that I simply don't have enough time to learn a new skill while working a 9-to-5 job while taking care of the family. Fandom is my escape, and there's only so much I can dedicate to it. Learning to paint demands significant effort, time, and talent, and unfortunately, I don't possess those gifts at the moment.

Let me be clear: "AI-generated imagery" can't replace traditionally painted arts, whether on canvas or through digital tools like Wacom or Procreate. They're not even in the same ballpark. Fun fact, I wanted to be a painter as a kid because my mom was one, but she shunned it because it didn't work out well for her. In the game industry I'm in now, Art directors and artists are still highly sought after and are crucial to any successful project. At the moment, AI generation can't precisely interpret what we envision or tell a client that, no, black is too dark for a 70 pt bold logo in a children's game with predominantly pastel colors. It can't even add weight to a line or create a simple walking animation. Returning to the point, we live in a time where both Photoshop skills and traditional oil painting are appreciated, where calligraphy and typewriting are both practiced, and where sculpture and 3D printer skills are both taught in schools. I hope for a future where AI imagery and the drawing community are not at odds but appreciated in their own ways.

For aspiring artists struggling, I can't comment directly as I'm navigating the same path. But I know the struggle is real, justified, and will pay off in the end. If you ask me to feel bad for them, it's like asking a working person if they feel guilty towards Uber drivers. The analogy falls apart because AI and creative artists aren't competing for the same limited real-life resources right now. If someone felt guilty for being able to do something others can't, they'd be living with guilt every moment.

If I sound a bit defensive, I hope for your understanding. I have imposter syndromes (deserved or not), being a woman in tech and an AI image generator (let's not stretch for the word AI artist). This blog goes on hiatus when I'm so depressed that I can't even open the page. I'm enraptured in the R&D process, but there's no one I can talk to about it. It's a different struggle, but I have terabytes of failed models, wasted hours, and spreadsheets documenting what might have gone wrong before the model reaches its best likeness. What's worse, there's little community for us. AI imagery gets a bad rep because there are mountains of perverts doing unspeakable things I witness every day on forums and servers while looking for the newest style or training method. I'm scared to tell people this is what I (can) do. Perhaps in the '90s, people denied going on the internet because it automatically equated them with being a porn-watcher. That'd be funny.

If there's anything to feel bad about, it's the copyright issue in the AI community. I try my best to use models trained over "ethically" obtained images, but one can never be sure. None of my work has ever been used commercially either.

This response has probably gone on a tangent for too long, and I'd like to appreciate your attention if you've reached this far. Fandom is my escapism, and I have so many headcanons that would otherwise be fleeting posts that vanish in a second. Now, I'm gifted with this new tool to indulge in them, and I feel truly lucky.

[shsl-baby]

[trimmed]

‘You’d make a really, really good marine biologist, Yuu-kun.’

It was a simple sentence, but for some reason it hit them hard. They bit down on their tongue until iron coated their taste buds. It was the only way they could distract themselves from the seemingly random flood of emotions. Not only was it far too overwhelming for them, but they didn’t want to make Keiko think she had done anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault they were always a big crybaby.

But the words stick with them longer than they would like. They don’t think anyone’s ever told them that they’re good at anything before. 

Normally, they would assume it’s a lie or just some automatic pleasantry, like answering ‘good’ when someone asks how your day is going, but this is Keiko. She doesn’t lie and they don’t think she’s ever cared about pleasantries. They just weren’t her thing. It was another reason they liked her. They never had to guess what she meant by whatever she said, never had to decode her true meaning. Besides, that awkward, crooked, practiced-but-imperfect smile told them that even if she was that kind of person, those words were entirely, undeniably honest. And that was a lot for them to take in.

They turn their face a bit away from her - as much as they care for Keiko, this vulnerability thing was new to them, and they’re pretty shit at it. They swallow their spit and clear their throat so their voice won’t crack or waver while they finally manage a response, after what felt like an eternity of stewing in their own feelings.

“Yeah, I’ll see you there. But I’m gonna hang around here a bit longer. I like how the water sounds.” Sometimes they wished they could bottle up the sound and carry it with them wherever. They didn’t like the chatter of the dining hall or the silence of their cottage. They liked the white noise of the Earth in its element. Raindrops on their roof and waves against the sand. 

“If you need any help guilt-tripping Hinata, let me know. I can pull out a sob story at my next therapy session with him.”

@beyond-project liked for a starter with Yuu-kun!

The beach is quiet. The beach is nice. The ocean is one of the only sounds that’s still the same in every version of reality, fabricated or not. Easy to duplicate, they suppose.

Yuu-kun lays in the sand with their eyes closed, listening. The white noise calms them, lulling them further and further away from the world with the deep red sky and the feelings too big for them to handle right now. This was easier. Laying still in the light of the gradually setting sun and focusing on the ocean instead of anything else.

They wonder what Junko would say if she found them asleep on the beach. Probably kick them.

Their brow furrows and they huff out their nose. They aren’t supposed to think about that. They’re not supposed to think about her at all. Hinata said so. They still aren’t sure how to feel about his name change, but they’re smarter than to challenge the most talented person ever. 

… With one exception, of course. Keiko counts as the most talented person, too. But she was still a kid. Just like them. So it was a little different. They knew Keiko better than they knew Hinata, so she was easier to be around. 

As if she read their mind somehow, when they open their eyes they find her staring down at them, motionless. They hadn’t heard her approach, but that’s normal for her. They don’t startle, simply raising an eyebrow up at her. “Hey. Need something?”

[corrodedcorpses]

Boys on Film. Part ii.

Pairing: PS!Steve x PS!Eddie x Virgin!reader

Summary: It's been a week since you watched that tape and you haven't been able to get the images of Eddie and Steve out of your head since. Scared you'd say or do something weird around them, you've decided to avoid them instead. But of course, they show up announced just to torture you.

Warnings: Smut (18+), light angst, Masturbation (female), Voyeurism, Oral sex (m)

Word count: 9.5k (god damn)

a/n: Here's part 2!! Finally! Thank you so much for the love on the first part and I hope everyone enjoys this part!! Definitely more parts to come 🫢

Part 1 // Part 3

It’s been a week since you’d watched that damn video. A week since you’d even dared to touch yourself, the feelings of guilt growing each second that past since you’d come down from the most intense orgasm of your life. 

Ever since that night you hadn’t been able to bring yourself to see them, or hardly even talk to them. They’d been ringing you nonstop but everytime you picked up the phone and heard their voice you could practically hear them moaning through the receiver. Each time you’d given them some excuse to end the call early, opting now to just not pick up the phone at all. 

Of course they wouldn’t know what you’d done but you couldn’t shake the intense feeling of guilt. You felt guilty for seeing them like that, sure but you mostly felt the guilt at how much you ached for them now. How you would do anything to swap places with the girl in the video. 

How you wanted your first time to be them. 

You’d thought about nothing else and had imagined every scenario of you asking them to be your firsts. But every scenario you played out in your head ended with rejection. There’s no way they would ever see you like that, you were certain.

You also knew that they would sense something was wrong and you were certain Steve’s charm and Eddie’s smirk could convince you to confess to murder. There’s no way you would be able to keep your mouth shut.

But, even if you did somehow manage to just not mention it you weren’t sure you could be around them with all these new and weird feelings bubbling inside you. How could you stand to be around someone when your whole body longed for them? 

***

Steve waited outside his house as he heard the familiar sounds of Eddie’s van coming down his street, the usual beat of some metal song Steve automatically recognises being heard before he could even see the van. I definitely hang out with Eddie too much, he thinks to himself with a fond smirk. 

He nervously picks at the skin on his fingers as he waits for Eddie’s van to park before jogging down the driveway to meet him. He isn’t nervous to see Eddie, it's you. You've been distant with both of them and they’re worried. It’s not like you to push them away no matter what. So they both decided to show up at your house tonight, favourite takeaway in hand and get to the bottom of what was going on with you. 

Eddie greets Steve as he climbs into his van. 

“Do you think she’d prefer Chinese or Pizza tonight?” Eddie asks while backing out of the driveway. 

“You choose,” Steve mumbles back. He’s uncharacteristically quiet and maybe even a little sad, Eddie notices. 

“Hey, I’m sure whatever’s bothering her isn’t that big of a deal. She’ll talk to us, don’t worry. 

Steve sighs in response, “you’re probably right, I guess I’m just thinking the worst. But what if we’ve done something, what if I’ve done something? Like something really bad and I didn’t realise?” Steve rambles. 

Eddie tries his best to listen intently as Steve goes through the list of scenarios swimming around in his head. 

“What if she has a boyfriend?” Steve questions, practically spitting the last word. He freezes as he realises how that must have sounded, “No- ah, I don't mean like that, of course she can have a boyfriend, it's not like she needs, my- um our permission and I wouldn’t like care, just, her last boyfriend was awful and I don’t want her hurt like that again”.

“Yeah, shit, I hated that guy,” Eddie agrees, brushing over the other awkwardness but Steve sees a weird and unreadable expression on Eddie’s face at the mention of your possible boyfriend being the cause for you pulling away so suddenly. “We only saw her less than two weeks ago anyway, there’s no way she could have met someone that fast,” Eddie reassures Steve, although it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more. 

“Well, ah that’s not exactly true man,” Steve says sheepishly, “I did see her a couple days ago at the grocery store, right before I called you actually”.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I said hi and she was weird man, she was looking around too, like anywhere but me as if she was looking for someone maybe?” 

“Oh.” Eddie clenched his jaw as his knuckles turned white against the steering wheel. 

***** 

You had just gotten home from work and changed into something comfortable, contemplating what you wanted for dinner tonight when you heard the unmistakable sound of Eddie’s van pull up your driveway 

Shit. 

You knew it was too good to be true that you would be able to keep your distance. Your goddamn amazing, sweet and thoughtful bestfriends of course knew you were avoiding them and of course they couldn’t just let you. 

You quickly check yourself in the mirror, brushing down your hair and feeling weirdly self conscious in the tiny lounge shorts and singlet top both Eddie and Steve had seen you in countless times. 

You contemplated changing into something more baggy but didn’t have time as you heard a rap at your door. It’s just Eddie and Steve you tell yourself as you open it. 

The minute you see them they’re pulling you into tight hugs, telling you how much they both missed you. You mumble back that you missed them too but can’t help feeling tense under their once comforting touch. 

“We bought your favourite”, Eddie sang as you let them inside, jiggling the plastic bag in his hand.

Your gaze lingered a little too long on Eddie's fingers as he gripped the bag, thoughts immediately going to how they looked wrapped around his cock or tangled in Steve’s hair. It’s not like you’d never noticed Eddie’s hands before, especially with those bloody rings he wore but it seemed as though you were seeing them, really seeing them for the first time. 

You felt arousal pool at your core at the thought of them exploring all over you, inside of you. 

I’m going to ask them.

You jumped as you felt Steve’s hand on your shoulder, realising you’d been staring at Eddie for way too long. 

“You okay honey?” Steve asked, concern scrunching his features. 

“Y-yeah, yeah sorry, I’m just a bit tired I think,” you replied with a weak laugh, “let's eat.”

Eddie and Steve share a look but don’t say anything as you all sit at the table at your usual spots. The spots you’ve all sat in millions of time, eating, laughing and drinking with the closest friends you’ve ever had. Friends that meant the world to you. Friends you couldn’t lose. 

I can’t ask them. 

Eddie and Steve started up a conversation, talking about a new scene Steve had done, how it was “by far one of the craziest”. Usually you’d be interested in what it was but as Steve kept rambling on, you just couldn’t get yourself to listen. Too caught up in your own thoughts as you mentally battled the ache between your legs. 

It’s not like they’d care right? I mean they do this for work. It’d just be like work. It couldn’t hurt to ask at least… unless they completely reject you and you ruin the best friendship you’ve ever had. 

But they did that scene together, they even kissed and did… other stuff and it didn’t ruin their friendship. If anything they seem closer now, it would be the same for you, right? 

But that’s their job. It would be different with you. You’re less skilled, less confident, this isn’t your job. 

Maybe it would be better with you? You’ve known them forever, maybe they’d be even more comfortable if it were you? 

God, you’re not even listening to what Steve’s saying. You feel like such a bad friend. Here you are thinking about fucking both of them instead of listening and having a nice dinner with them. A dinner of your favourite food that they surprised you with because they knew something was off with you. 

How did I get lucky enough to have these two boys in my life?

But you were lucky. These two boys knew you. They knew everything about you and would never judge you. Even if they didn’t want to do it with you, you knew they’d be nice about it. God knows they’ve said and asked you more embarrassing things, they’d forgive you, they’d be kind. 

You want your first time to be them. 

You knew you’d never be able to think straight unless you just asked them. Before your brain could catch up with your mouth you suddenly blurted it out.

“I wanna fuck,” you cut off Steve suddenly, almost yelling it out and startling them both, “me, both of you, want you to fuck me.” The last bit comes out in barely a whisper. 

Wow so smooth 

Eddie all but chokes on his food while Steve lets out a shocked what????

You look down at your lap, fiddling with your fingers as your cheeks flush with embarrassment… this wasn’t how you were going to ask and that definitely wasn;t the reaction you’d hoped for. 

They both stare at you, waiting for some kind of explanation. 

“I watched the tape,” you mumble. 

“Ohhhhh,” Eddie says as Steve looks at him confused. Steve didn’t know that Eddie dropped the tape off, shit. 

“The tape, Harrington,” Eddie explains, “you know, of the two sexiest men alive doing some very naughty things together.”

It finally clicks in Steve’s head what you’re both talking about. “You gave her a copy of the tape?” He asks. 

He sounds angry, you think as shame washes over you. 

“How did you even get extra copies yet?” Steve asks Eddie. 

“I gave her my personal copy,” Eddie shrugs. 

They’re glossing over your question. 

You sink in on yourself further. This was such a bad idea, of course they wouldn’t want to fuck you. The girl in the tape was so confident, so experienced. Why would they want to go for someone like you? There’s no way they’d have any fun with you. 

“Didn’t want her to have to wait until it was fully released and good thing I didn’t. You liked what ya saw that much huh sweetheart?” Eddie says cockily.  

You know he doesn’t mean it to come out mean but it has you on the verge of tears. You feel so embarrassed, contemplating running to your room and locking yourself in until they leave. You can’t bring yourself to look at them. 

Steve kicks Eddie under the table at seeing your reaction to his comment. 

“Ouch! Dude what the-“ he goes to scold Steve but quickly stops at the look on Steve’s face. Steve cocks his head towards you and gives Eddie a look of shut up, look what you did. 

Eddie looks over at you, seeming to only just notice how much you’ve shrunk in your seat. Tears threatening to fall out of the corner of your sad, embarrassed eyes. 

“No, sweetheart, I’m sorry please don’t cry,” Eddie tried to console. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you I just ah, did not expect that.” 

Steve seems somewhat pleased with that and tries his best to sooth you too. “Come on honey, we’re not mad or anything, promise,” Eddie nods in agreement and mumbles out a “yeah absolutely not”. “We were just a little shocked is all.” Steve continues with a laugh. 

You finally chance a glance at them. You’re surprised to see no anger or teasing looks on their faces. They look kind, safe and maybe like pitying you just a little bit. Still not what you were hoping for but you’d take it over them being angry and hating you forever. 

You take a deep breath before finally talking properly for the first time all night. 

“I’m sorry, I should’ve found a better way to ask, it’s just,” you sigh, trying to form the right words this time, “you both know I’m not the most experienced - or really experienced at all- and the little experience I do have… wasn’t the best.” 

Eddie snorts, recalling you ex- douchebag with a scoff of “understatement”. You smile slightly at how annoyed he still is at how your ex treated you. 

“And I just,” you continue, “when I saw both of you, with that chick, and how much she was enjoying it and how much fun it looked, I guess I just felt like maybe I was missing out.” 

“Hey,” Steve coos, taking your hand gently in his,”you’re not missing out on anything, there's no timeframe for when you have to do that stuff.”

“I mean, it is definitely fun,” Eddie expands, “but only if you’re comfortable and feel like it’s the right time for you.”

You give them both a small smile. They’re so nice, but they still didn’t say yes. 

“I’m sorry I asked,” you say sheepishly, “I just feel so safe with you both and I guess just thought that maybe sex would actually be good with you. I know that was stupid because you’re my best friends and I wouldn’t know what I’m doing so I know you wouldn’t have fun with me. I can’t do the things that the other girl did.”

Their hearts swell at your confession, you feel safe with them. But they grow confused as you mention the girl from the tape. 

“Hey,” Eddie tries, “experience doesn’t mean shit -”

“Eddie, I can hardly even make myself cum!” you practically yell at him, you appreciate them trying to be nice but you’re growing frustrated at the whole situation, “I know you both don’t want to and I know you wouldn’t have fun, it’s okay.”

“Wait seriously?” Eddie exclaims before he can stop himself. 

Great, another thing to feel shame about.

This earns him another look from Steve.  “No not like that,” Eddie tries to rectify what he said, “it just seems like a real shame that a pretty thing like you hardly ever gets to feel good, even from herself.” 

You roll your eyes at his trademark flirting but have to hide the smile trying to grace your lips at him calling you pretty. 

Steve and Eddie share a look, seemingly having a silent conversation. You really hate how much closer they’ve gotten recently. 

“Alright,” Eddie says with a nod, “we'll do it.”

“What?” you question.

“We wanna help you out,” Steve explains, “we want to be your firsts, if you still want to.”

You’re hearing things. You must be. The shame got too much and you passed out, this is now some weird and cruel trick your brain is playing on you. It has to be.

“A-are you sure?” you question hesitantly. 

“Positive,” Eddie says while flashing his gorgeous smile, “hell, if I’d known it wouldn’t ruin our friendship I would’ve been all over you since highschool sweetheart.”

You shake your head and bite back a smile. You know he’s joking and just trying to butter you up - but you’re only half right. 

“Well, how do we start?” You blurt out, you want them, need them right now. 

“We’re not going to do anything tonight babe” Steve says sweetly. 

“Oh, right,” you say embarrassed but they both smile sweetly at your eagerness. 

“I’m free Tuesday and Wednesday next week, what about you two?” you ask. 

“Yeah Tuesday works for me.”

“Me too.”

“Perfect,” Eddie says, “so Tuesday we’ll meet here and then we can sit down with you and figure out your likes and dislikes, what you have and haven’t done, and what you’d like to try. Just like we do before any scene we’re in.” 

You’re kind of surprised to see Eddie so serious, all business. But you guess that makes sense, this is his job after all. 

You appreciate how serious they’re treating this but can’t help but feel a little nervous now, you’re not even sure what you like. 

Sensing your nerves, Steve quickly reassures you, “don’t worry, we’ll walk you through it okay?”.

“Yeah, we’ll figure all that stuff out together,” Eddie adds.

“Okay”, you reply. 

Steve gives your knee a reassuring squeeze while Eddie flashes you a smile. You can’t believe how much you trust both men in front of you. 

The rest of dinner went by smoothly. You felt like a huge weight had been lifted off your chest and you finally felt like your old self again. It was back to normal, just you, Eddie and Steve. 

****

Wednesday comes around faster than you expected. You thought that the days in between would drag on but as Wednesday approached you found your nerves easily drawing the excitement you’d once felt. That’s when Wednesday seemed to be in front of you too quickly. 

You’ve spent all afternoon after you got off work frantically cleaning, showering, drowning yourself in nice smelling things, washing your hair, moisturising, your whole routine practically 5 times over. 

You hear a knock on the door, yelling that it’s open as you check yourself over once more in the mirror. You wipe your clammy palms on the front of your singlet top and shorts while trying to huff out all of your anxieties. 

Come on you can do this, you wanted this.

You reach for the door with shaky hands, slinking out of the bathroom on jelly legs. You find them both relaxing on the couch, looking much more comfortable than you feel. 

“H-hey,” you stutter out sheepishly. Their heads turn to you as they hear you enter. Comforting smiles adorn their faces, melting a tinge of your worries as soft heys leave their lips. Eddie pats the couch in between the two of them and you plop down between them, not meeting their eyes as you pick nervously at the skin on your fingers. 

Eddie puts his arm on the back of the couch, absentmindedly playing with a strand of your hair as Steve places his warm hand on your knee. The gestures are supposed to be comforting but you can’t help but flinch slightly under their touch. 

“Are you okay?” Steve asks softly, ducking his head to try and meet your gaze. 

“Y-yeah,” you respond shakily, hating how small your voice sounds. 

“Hey, you know we don’t have to do this, yeah?” Eddie asks reassuringly, “say the word sweetheart and we’ll just hang out and watch a movie or something.”

“No, no, I want to… I just have no clue what I'm doing,” you respond with a nervous laugh.

“That’s what your own personal sex gods are for darling,” Eddie quips. 

This earns a chuckle from you and Steve, your shoulders relaxing slightly at the familiar feeling of Eddie. 

“So,” Steve announces, “what are some of your “hard no”s?” And at the confused look on your face, “what’s something that, no matter what, you do not want us to do.” 

You looked away from him as you thought long and hard…. You came up blank though, how could you know what you didn’t like if you didn’t even know what you do? 

“Hard No’s could be something like you hate neck kisses or in more intense situations you’re not a massive fan of face slapping, things like that.” 

Your eyes widened at that. 

“We’re not gonna do anything like that now! No slapping or anything, yet,” Eddie emphasised that with a wink, “but those are some examples.” 

“I-I like neck kisses… I think,” you mumble, “and if we’re not going to do anything that… intense right now I guess I don’t really have any?” 

Eddie and Steve nod as they hang on to your every word. The care in which they’re approaching this definitely helping to lower your rapid heart rate. 

“Okay,” Steve continues, “anything you really want to try right now?” 

“Umm… I guess I wish I was better at kissing,” you say with a cringe, embarrassed at how tame that request was, you try to cover yourself as your cheeks heat up. “I mean, I have kissed before, obviously, I just haven’t for a while and I dunno I feel like I kind of do it weird I don-“ 

Eddie cuts off your rambling when he brings his hand to cup your cheek. You look in his eyes hesitantly as you subconsciously nuzzle into his calloused hand. 

A small smile adorns his lips as he searches your eyes, his own chocolate orbs darkening slightly as he glances at your lips. 

He slowly brings his thumb up to ghost over your bottom lip, causing goosebumps to rise on your arms. 

“We can definitely help with that, sweetheart,” he whispers lowly as he moves increasingly closer to you. 

You nod slightly. Trying to will him to close the sliver of a distance between your lips. 

“Words,” he whispers.

“Please,” you breathe. And it’s all Eddie needs to hear before closing the distance, his lips barely pressing into yours as if too much pressure would break you under him. 

Feeling a surge of confidence you push your lips into his more. It’s all the confirmation he needs before he’s deepening the kiss. It’s all consuming, years of emotion, comfort and longing all coming to the surface as you kiss each other with vigour.  

You feel Steve’s soft lips travel up your shoulder to the slope of your neck and up along your throat. You audibly shiver at the feeling, causing Eddie and Steve to smile into your lips and neck. 

“Yeah you definitely like neck kisses,” Steve teases in between the feather touches. You don’t know if it’s from Steve’s tone or the kisses themselves but you can feel arousal pool in your panties because of it. 

You feel all consumed by Steve and Eddie but before you can lose yourself in them completely you feel Eddie pull away. He smirks as you chase his lips but uses the hand still cupping your cheek to gently direct you towards Steve. You see that he also has his other hand cupping Steve’s cheek as he brings you both together. 

Steve’s kiss is gentler than Eddies, where Eddie was all consuming Steve is controlled, where Eddie was intense and a little messy Steve is gentle and longing. Eddie’s hand on your face means he can slightly manoeuvre your face, gently guiding you as you and Steve explore each other's mouths. 

Eddie then pulls you away from Steve, you’re about to protest but before you can Eddie leans forward on the couch, dragging Steve with him before crashing his lips against Steve’s in front of you.

You watch in awe as they practically devour each other. You can tell they were definitely holding back for you as this kiss is feral and bruising. It has you clenching your thighs together, longing for them to handle you like this. 

You’re also very aware of Eddie’s hand still cupping your face and Steve’s hand still on your knee, both of them rubbing soothing circles in your skin to let you know they haven’t forgotten about you. 

You whine as you watch the continued onslaught, causing Eddie and Steve to finally break the kiss. 

“This is supposed to be about her,” Steve breathes into Eddie’s lips, faces barely pulled away from each other. 

“Couldn’t help myself,” Eddie mumbles, staring at Steve’s raw and glistening lips. 

“I don’t mind,” you say quickly, as much as you’d love for their attention to be back on you, you cannot deny how erotic it was watching them together, “trust me.”

They chuckle at how breathless you sound just from some kissing, but it only spurs them on more. 

Eddie leans away from Steve then, dropping his hand from Steve’s face to bring both hands up to your face, palms pressed into your cheeks gently, contrasting the fierce kiss he seers into your lips. 

The kiss still doesn’t match the roughness of Eddie and Steve’s kiss but it’s by far the most intensely you’ve ever been kissed. It’s all consuming and leaves you breathless but aching for more. You subconsciously press yourself further into Eddie as you let him consume you. 

Eddie can’t get enough of you either, wishing he’d had the courage to do this years ago. He expertly hooks his hands under your knees and drags you on to his lap, swallowing the gasp you let out into his mouth, lips never leaving each other. 

His hands venture up the sides of your plush thighs, you can tell that he’s holding back, doing his best to not overwhelm you but you need more. You tangle your fingers in his soft, frizzy hair, pulling every so slightly, as you start to timidly rock your hips against him, earning the most beautiful groan from him. 

You hear Steve shuffle closer, sitting with his thigh pressed into the side of calf as you straddle Eddie. His hand travelling up your back soothingly until it comes to rest on the side of your neck. 

At hearing Steve shuffle forward, Eddie pulls back from you again, so that Steve can capture your lips but also so he can take a breather, self control drastically slipping away the longer he feels your body move on his. 

Steve matches Eddie’s intensity, causing you to let little moans and sighs slip into his lips as you continue to grind against Eddie. Your little shorts and soft fabric of your underwear were almost soaked through.  

Eddie watches you both, pupils blown completely black from lust. You rock your hips at a particularly good angle, dragging sinfully over Eddie’s almost hard dick. He hisses and throws his head back, willing himself to stay softer for long. This is about you, he tries to remind himself. 

“We should take this to the bedroom,” Eddie sighs with a shaky breath, desperation lacing his words.

You giggle and hop off his lap, taking both of their hands and pulling them up off the couch before turning to lead them to your room. Boy are they thankful for you going first, their eyes watching your ass jiggle in your incredibly tight and tiny shorts as you walk. 

You stand awkwardly in the middle of the room as they both filter in after you. 

“So, we’ve talked about it,” Steve breaks the silence first, “and we think the first thing should be you showing us how you get yourself off.”

“That way at least you know how to make yourself feel good and it's a real shame you’re missing out.”

“O-okay,” you mumble, but don’t move, you’re not really sure what they want from you and you’re frozen from the fear of making a fool of yourself. Also trying not to think about the fact that they’ve talked about it, talked about you and how to make you feel good without you. But also very thankful that they’re obviously taking this very seriously. 

After a pause Eddie continues, “why don’t you take your shorts off for us, yeah?”

You nod, and with trembling fingers you slowly slide your shorts off. Both boys eye your core, clad in cute cotton panties. 

“These are cute,” Eddie whispers, ghosting his fingers along your bare thigh before snapping your waistband lightly against you. You jump and giggle, ducking your head as your cheeks turn crimson. 

“Hop on the bed for us?” Eddie asks, but it’s more of a request, “Get nice and comfy against the headboard.”

You do as they say, leaning back against your pillows half propped up as the boys come to kneel at the end of your bed, watching you intently. You’re confused as to why you’re not fully naked, or at least have your underwear off but don’t have time to dwell on that. 

“Whenever you’re ready, beautiful,” Steve coos. 

Before you can overthink it you move your underwear to the side, plunging your finger in straight away. “Whoa whoa whoa, hey,” Eddie stops you and you freeze and take your finger out instantly, looking up at him with worried eyes, anxious thoughts swimming in your head, “you just put your fingers in straight away?” 

“Well yeah…” how else were you supposed to finger yourself? 

Steve smiles at your innocence, trying not to laugh at how adorable you look right now. 

“Jesus well no wonder you can’t make yourself cum, there’s no foreplay” 

You just look at them confused. 

“You know,” Steve tries, “you gotta get yourself warmed up.” But you still just stare confusedly at them. 

They exchange a look, wondering how else to explain it to you.

“Hang on I got an idea,” Steve says, climbing towards you on the bed. Your breath hitches as you watch him crawl towards you, very aware of his proximity to your half naked form, even though you just had your lips all over his minutes ago. “Sit up and scoot down for me a little bit honey?” 

You do as he says and he comes to sit behind you, legs outstretched on either side of yours. He softly drags his fingertips down your arms, until he reaches your hands, you go to hold his hands and you feel him smile against the side of your head. 

“Other way,” he whispers and you flip your hands so that the back of yours is resting in his palms. 

“That’s it,” he coos, “now rub your hands up your thighs, yeah, just like that.” Goosebumps started to rise on your skin from the slight touches, running up and down your legs, sometimes dipping in between them but never actually touching your core. 

“Give those gorgeous tits some attention Stevie,” Eddie demands softly, eyes burning holes into you and Steve in front of him. 

Steve complies silently. Bringing your hands up for you to cup one of your breasts, squeezing softly as your other hand teases the waistband of your panties. Everything feels so good and so sensual but it’s not enough. You start to get antsy, whimpering softly and arching into your own touch, willing Steve to give you more. 

Your eyes meet Eddie’s silently begging him to make Steve do something. You’re lucky that Eddie seems to be in a gentle mood today as he smirks at you. 

“Why don’t you show us those pretty tits properly huh?”

“Please,” you whine desperately. 

Steve lets go of your hands to lift your shirt over your head, discarding it somewhere on the floor. You suddenly feel very self conscious but the look of awe on Eddie’s face and the sharp intake of breath you hear Steve take behind you has you feeling more confident than you thought. 

You can’t help but think back to the look on their faces as they watched the other girl on the tape. You feel almost pride as you realise the way Eddie is looking at you is different, better. He’s looking at you not just with lust but with awe and adoration. 

Steve finally brings both of your hands up to cup your tits firmly, nudging your thumbs up to rub your nipples into hard perks. You moan at the feeling, head lulling back against his shoulder and grinding into the mattress to try and gain some friction. 

“God, look at you,” Eddie practically moans, “wish you could see how pretty and needy she looks right now, and so wet.” You whimper at his words, grinding harder and pinching your nipples. 

“Yeah?” Steve whispers, lips grazing your ear, “that feel good princess? You ready for some more?” 

“Please more, n-need more,” you beg. 

“Mmm good girl using your manners,” Eddie teases, as he inches his hands towards your core, hooking his fingers in the waistband of your panties. Your stomach flips at the praise, breath hitching. Finally you get to be their good girl. Steve takes note of that. 

Eddie pauses, looking at you for confirmation before pulling them down your legs once you nod. 

Any previous nerves you might have had at being fully naked before them, especially while they were still fully clothed is gone. Replaces only with lust and your need to come. 

Eddie repositions your legs so that they’re spread open and bent before him as he leans back on his heels between them. Steve finally directs your hand to your core. 

“Think you can do this part yourself?” He checks, “we’ll still walk you through it though okay?”

“Yeah, I can,” you reply. 

“Good girl,” he coos much more sweetly than Eddie, smirking when he gets a similar reaction, “leave this hand up here though, keep giving these tits some love.” 

You nod and Steve lets go of your other hand, it’s all up to you now. You dip your fingers near your core, but this time you run your fingers over it, surprised at how wet you feel as you smear the slick around. 

“That’s it, pretty girl, nice and slow,” Eddie coos.

You finally dip your finger into your dripping cunt, moaning at how much more intense it is compared to usual. You pump your finger inside you, and try your best to remember to play with your nipple at the same time. 

Slowly you add another finger, pumping them faster. 

“Do you usually play with your clit too baby?” 

You shake your head, “it’s never really felt that good.”

“You’re nice and wet, trust me it’ll feel good,” Eddie assures you, “use your thumb but keep those fingers going in your pretty cunt.”

Your eyes roll back at his words as you bring your thumb up to circle your clit. You jolt as you feel the pad slide over the wet bud, 

“Fuck it feels so good,” you moan as the boys smirk at you. 

You speed up your assault on your sopping pussy. Feeling the telltale signs that your orgasm was rapidly approaching. 

“‘M close,” you warn desperately. The sounds of your fingers flying in and out of your dripping core filling the room. 

You vaguely hear them tell you that you can cum before your orgasm crashes into you. It's so intense it has you practically screaming, legs shaking as you drench your hand and wrist. 

It lasts for what seems like hours as you continue to finger yourself through it before slumping back against Steve, fingers falling from your abused hole. 

You’re a panting, whimpering mess as you finally register Eddie and Steve whispering sweet praises of you did so good for us, you’re so pretty baby and bet that felt good sweet girl. All while Steve caresses your shoulders and arms as Eddie smooths circles in your ankles. 

When Eddie can see you’ve finally returned to earth he asks how it was, a smug look gracing his features. 

“So good,” you moan with a laugh. 

Eddie then climbs in between your legs, giving you a soft kiss as he mumbles “you look so pretty when you cum for us little one.” The old nickname has your heart swelling and cunt pulsing. 

“More,” you whimper against his lips. They chuckle at you as Steve presses a kiss to your temple. 

“Not today sweetheart,” Eddie responds, “wouldn’t want to overwhelm you”. 

“But what about you two?” you ask innocently, wanting nothing more than to get your hands on more of them. 

“It’s okay sweet girl,” Eddie coos, “you don’t have to worry about us.” Steve mumbles in agreement, pressing more kisses to your temple and cheek. 

You suddenly remember the position in the tape that made you get to the edge fastest, Steve on his knees in front of Eddie. You need to see them fully, you need to see what you got a glimpse at on the tape. 

“Hey you know, in the- ah, in the film,” you start, nerves suddenly returning. Eddie cocks his head, interested in where this is going. “A-after you,” you nod towards Eddie, “had fucked her and then Steve um… knelt in front of you and um-” you try your best to explain it but you can’t seem to form the words you need. Brain foggy from your orgasm and nerves. 

 “You wanna watch Stevie suck my cock baby?” Eddie asks cockily, finishing your request for you. 

You nod.

“hmm guess it’s a good way to teach her how,” Steve reasons.

“Mmm,” Eddie hums in agreement,  “and I’d be lying if I said seeing you cum didn’t make me as hard as a rock sweetheart”. You look down and blush at the obvious outline of Eddie’s hard cock in his pants, eyes bulging slightly. You knew he was big, you saw it in the tape, but seeing even the outline in person was completely different. You meet his eyes again and he gives you a wink, causing your cheeks to heat up. 

“Yeah shit,” Steve replies, “me too.” That’s when you realise you can feel his boner pressed against your back, causing you to blush even further. Surprised you had the effect on both of them. 

“Besides,” Steve continues, tone flirty, “would love to get my mouth around that pretty cock of yours again Eds.” You whimper at his words which causes both of them to chuckle fondly at you. 

“Hop up baby,” Steve instructs while patting the sides of your ass fondly, “We’ll go kneel in front of Ed’s on the floor while he sits on the bed, everyone can be nice and comfortable like that.” 

You nod as you hop off the bed. Eddie rids himself of his shirt as he sits at the end of the bed, grabbing one of your pillows to place on the floor before helping you to kneel on it in between his spread legs. 

Your eyes wander over the expanse of his chest and stomach unabashedly. Feeling much bolder in your post orgasm haze. You take in the black ink that lines his chest and arms, a few more than you realised he’d had and that you’d definitely missed while watching the tape. In your defence you were a little preoccupied then.

Your eyes linger a little on the happy trail that dips into the waist of his jeans. You’re suddenly very aware of the fact that you’re going to see Eddie, all of Eddie in person. Something you'd be lying if you said you hadn't thought about, many times, since that first week at highschool. 

Your eyes travel up and take in how his curly locks cascade over his shoulders, almost covering the demon that adorns his upper chest. Your eyes finally meet his and you realise he’s been watching you watch him the whole time, an amused expression on his face. 

He brings his hand up to cup your face, rubbing soothing circles in your skin. Your eyes flutter slightly as you nuzzle into his hand. 

You notice Steve as he comes to stand next to you, having taken his shirt off too as well as his jeans, leaving him in nothing but his boxers before you. His dick has softened slightly but you can still make out a pretty clear outline of it in your boxers. The site makes you ache for them, but you know they’re going to make you take this painfully slow. 

You look up at him in awe as he comes to kneel beside you, capturing your lips with his, smiling as he kisses you sweetly. 

“Ready Eds?” Steve asks tauntingly, pulling away from you, already knowing Eddie’s answer. 

“Yep,” Eddie replies, popping the last letter of the word. 

Steve’s hands smooth up Eddie’s thighs, looking up at him innocently. He goes to pop open the button of Eddie’s jeans but before he can, a thought crosses your mind. 

“Do guys need to be, like, “warmed up” too?” you ask innocently. 

“Not exactly,” Eddie responds with a sweet, gentle smile, “maybe a little bit to get hard but trust me, watching you cum and having you two pretty things kneeling in front of me is more than enough warming up for me.” He chuckles with a shake of his head, like he’s in disbelief of the sight in front of him. 

Steve finally unbuttons Eddie's jeans, pulling his pants and boxers down as Eddie lifts his hips to help. You and Steve move back slightly so Eddie can get his pants off fully. 

You watch, mouth slightly agape as his dick springs up against his stomach, tip red and leaking precum. Your mouth waters at the sight, but you wait for Steve to demonstrate. 

You watch as Steve takes Eddie in his hand, gripping loosely as he licks from his balls all the way to the tip. Your eyes flick to Eddie’s face, watching as his eyes flutter softly as he sucks in a breath at the feeling of Steve's tongue on his shaft. 

After licking up and down Eddie’s length a couple of times Steve finally takes the tip into his mouth, sucking wetly on it. You watch with lidded eyes as Eddie’s head lulls back, exposing the length of his gorgeous neck as he moans out “jesus Steve.”

Steve smiles as much as he can with Eddie still in his mouth before bobbing his head up and down along the length, taking more and more into his mouth with each movement. He suddenly brings his hand up to the length not in his mouth before pulling off Eddie fully with a pop and spitting a string of saliva over the tip. 

You watch it drip slowly down the length, mouth opening slightly at the urge to lick it up. 

Steve then brings his hand up, catching the spit and rubbing it all over Eddie before taking him back in his mouth, Eddie’s hand flying to Steve’s head to tangle his fingers in the golden locks. You feel more arousal coat your slit as you watch Steve suck Eddie’s cock desperately. 

You hear pretty, soft moans coming from Eddie. You tear your eyes away from Steve to glance up at Eddie’s face. You look at him through lust filled eyes. His lips parted slightly as his moans fall off them, eyebrows furrowed slightly as his face contorts with the onslaught of pleasure, his bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead. He looks breathtaking. 

Eddie notices you staring, dark, chocolate orbs finding your lust filled ones as he holds your gaze, staring deep into you as he continues to moan and whimper. 

Your body feels like it's on fire. You need to feel Eddie down your throat. 

“Can I try?” you ask suddenly. Tearing your gaze from Eddie back to Steve as he releases the older boy from his mouth. His lips are red and swollen, mouth wet from a mix of saliva and Eddie’s precum, his hair dishevelled from Eddie’s fingers and tears pricking the corners of his eyes. 

“Sure thing pretty girl,” Steve rasps, his throat raw from Eddie’s cock, “you think you got it?”

You nod before leaning forward, tongue darting out to rub along Eddie’s slit as Steve still holds the shaft for you. The salty, musky taste of the mix of Eddie’s pre and Steve’s saliva invades your mouth, you need more. 

Cautiously you take the tip into your mouth, sucking on it lightly. You hear Eddie suck in a shaky breath in response, your confidence growing as you start to suck more harshly. 

You start to bob your head before Steve pats your head mumbling out a one second. You release Eddie from your mouth with a confused look on your face and Steve just wants to kiss it away. 

He grabs your hand with the one not around Eddie and brings it to his lips. Kissing the palm before spitting directly on to it. You gasp slightly at the action, not realising how turned on that would make you. 

Steve then directs your hand to Eddie’s length, replacing his hand with yours. You take the tip in your mouth again, using the other hand to jerk off the length not in your mouth, as Steve had. 

You start to bob your head faster and take more of Eddie into your throat. His moans increase and you can tell he’s trying his best not to tangle his fingers roughly in your hair too, knuckles white as he grips the duvet instead. 

“God, you’re such a good girl,” he moans.  You get a little too cocky when his head hits the back of your throat violently, causing you to gag on his thick length, you hear Eddie moan in surprise before you’re pulling off of him, spluttering as tears prick your eyes. 

Eddie rubs your head soothingly, while Steve rubs your back, cooing softly at you until you stop coughing. 

“Sorry,” you mumble, feeling embarrassed by your reaction. Eddie wipes away a stray tear that’s fallen down your cheek 

“S’okay baby,” he reassures, “you don’t have to go that deep.”

“I just wanted to make you cum,” you mumble, looking down at the floor. 

“Oh sweet girl, trust me you will,” he expels air, almost in disbelief at how good you were making him feel, “you were getting me so close.” 

“Really?” you ask, eyes twinkling up at him. 

He nods with a fond look on his face, “wanna try again?”

You nod vigorously, gripping on to his shaft again. You remember how Steve had licked the length of Eddie before taking him into his mouth. You repeat his action from earlier while maintaining eye contact with Eddie, earning you a low moan of oh fuck before taking him into your mouth once more. 

You bob your head a couple more times, speeding up and making sure you keep jerking off the part you can’t fit into your mouth. Eddie's hand flies to your head but he tries his best to not push your head or grab your hair too tightly. 

His head tips back with a groan, orgasm hurtling towards him after holding back and being edged for so long - not that he minded, he wanted to make this good for you, even if that meant being edged all night. 

Eddie turns into a babbling mess, “fuck baby I’m getting so close, yeah just like that, you’re such a good girl for us, yeah, don’t take it too deep, just keep going like that sweetheart.”

You feel Eddie’s dick get incredibly hard, pulsing in your mouth and you know he’s close. 

“Oh fuck baby, if you don’t stop I’m gonna cum in that pretty mouth,” he warns. You only look up at him, maintaining eye contact as you continue to suck him. 

“Shit, you want it, don’t ya baby? My dirty fucking girl,” he drawls out. 

You moan in response, the vibrations shooting straight up Eddie’s spine. It’s all Eddie needs to send him over the edge. 

“I’m gonna, fuck sweetheart, I’m gonna-” Eddie cums down your throat with a loud moan, you do your best to swallow it all but some of his cum dribbles out the side of your mouth involuntarily. 

Once you’re sure you've got the last drop you let Eddie fall out of your mouth with a pop. Eddie and Steve stare at you in awe, you look completely fucked out with you glassy eyes, swollen lips and cum dripping down to your chin. 

Steve can’t help himself - he’d missed the taste of Eddie too much-  he leans forward, licking from your chin to your mouth before capturing your lips in a sloppy kiss. Tongue frantically exploring every crevice, savouring any taste of Eddie he can get. 

Eddie watches you both, panting as he comes down from his high. He can see the outline of Steve’s hard cock straining painfully against his boxers, his mouth waters as he gets an idea. 

“I’d hate to break you two up but I think Stevie more than deserves some attention from us too sweetheart.”

You break the kiss with a wicked smile on your face, oh he definitely does.

“Wanna help me babe?” He asks you. 

“Please,” you reply too sweetly. 

“Alright, swap with me Steve,” Eddie instructs. 

The boys swap positions and Steve rids himself of his boxers before sitting in his spot on the bed. You swallow hard at the sight of his thick cock before you, much thicker than Eddie’s is and you’d struggled with his. Your uncertainty must show on your face because Steve tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Don’t worry, Eddie’s gotcha honey,” he reassures cockily. 

“I’m gonna put my hand on your head okay?” Eddie explains, “then I’m gonna move it so one of us is sucking him off while the other plays with his balls and then we’ll swap, sound okay?”

“Jesus…” Steve pants at the idea, there’s no way he’s gonna last with both of you playing with him. You nod at Eddie’s question as his hand comes to tangle softly in your hair. 

He guides you to Steve’s balls while he takes Steve’s tip into his mouth. Steve groans loudly at the sudden onslaught of pleasure from you both. 

You lick Steve’s fuzzy sack sloppily before chancing at taking one into your mouth and sucking lightly. He gasps at the feeling, accidentally bucking at the feeling. You expect Eddie to gag but you’re surprised at how easily Eddie takes him almost all the way down his throat before continuing to bob on him lazily. 

You feel Eddie tug your hair lightly, making you change positions with him. You open your mouth as far as it’ll go before taking Steve’s glistening tip into your mouth. The stretch to your jaw was intoxicating. 

You feel Eddie’s head move up again towards the tip so you release Steve from your mouth, thinking you’re swapping positions again but Eddie doesn’t let you move your head back to Steve’s balls. You watch as he continues to lick all over Steve’s shaft and tip, so you decide to copy his motions instead. 

You both lick messily around Steve, a mix of saliva and pre coating every inch of him. Every now and then you feel Eddie’s tongue graze your own until you’re both practically making out over the tip. You can hear Steve panting and moaning above you. Every time you glance up at him he's watching you both with a dazed, almost pained expression. 

“You guys are, fuck, I’m getting close,” Steve warns. 

At Steve's warning Eddie directs you back to Steve’s balls and you gleefully take one back into your mouth. Eddie takes most of Steve’s length into his mouth, deepthroating him and swallowing, before hallowing his cheeks and dragging his mouth up to the tip . He repeats this over and over until you feel Steve start to shake above you. 

Steve doesn’t even get a chance to warn you both before he’s cumming in Eddie’s mouth with a broken cry, hands flying to both of your heads, holding you both close to him. You’re the first to pull back, watching as Eddie sucks the last out of Steve’s tip with a whine. 

Eddie hears it, and before you see him swallow he’s crashing his lips to yours, shoving his cum covered tongue down your throat. You gasp as it invades your mouth but the sound quickly turns into a moan as you taste Steve on your tongue. 

The kiss is heated and dizzyingly dirty. You’re moaning into each other’s mouths, hands gripping on to each other as your bodies start to inch closer together. You think you’re finally going to feel Eddie’s body pressed against yours when he stops suddenly. 

Eddie could feel himself getting worked up again, and knew if this continued he would have a hard time holding back, wanting nothing more than to make you cum over and over again on his fingers, tongue and cock. Another time he reminds himself. 

All three of you sit panting, none of you willing to break the silence that’s fallen over the room. 

You laugh breathlessly, “holy shit”, you exclaim in disbelief at how the night had unfolded, it was perfect. 

Eddie and Steve copy your breathless laugh. 

“That good huh?” Eddie asks

“It was, shit, it was so good.” 

“Good,” steve responds, “it was fucking good for us too.”

“Fuck yeah,” Eddie agrees. 

“Alright,” Steve groans as he stands up with a stretch, “I desperately need a shower.”

You and Eddie roll your eyes and chuckle at Steve fondly, he sees and give you both the finger while walking back to the living room to grab his and Eddie’s bag, throwing it at the other boy, earning a full blown laugh from you. 

Eddie then stands up before flopping on to the bed, grabbing out to you until you crawl up beside him to join him. He lays on his back while you snuggle up on your side next to him, barely touching each other but close enough to take in the comfort of the others presence. 

“Ya know, if I didn’t know you better I’d think you were lying about being a virgin babe,” he says with no malice behind it, tucking your hair sweetly behind your ear.

You snort and roll your eyes at him. 

“I’m serious!” he assures you, “one of the best blowjobs of my life.” 

You shake your head at him but take the compliment anyway, a smile plastered to your face. 

You lie like that for a while, staring at each other in comfortable silence. Eddie loses himself in your gentle eyes, all the feelings he’s harboured since highschool threatening to spill once again. 

He keeps them to himself though, not wanting to ruin the moment and knowing that wasn’t what this was about. This was just about helping out a friend, so she could be more confident. So she can finally show everyone else the amazing person he’s always seen. 

He watches as your face seems to fall slightly, it’s a subtle change but he picks it up either way. 

“Hey,” he coos, “you still with me?”

“Y-yeah, im fine,” you insist. He doesn’t buy it. 

He gives you the look he always does when he sees straight through your lies, you know there’s no point hiding it. 

“I, um, I don’t know if I wanna be alone tonight,” you whisper. 

You hadn’t noticed the shower had stopped until you hear Steve walk into the room, beating Eddies to reply to you. 

“Duh, of course we’re staying,” he answers. You look up at him in the doorway, drying his hair with a towel and you notice the green and white plaid pjs hanging low on his hips and soft cotton shirt tight against his chest. 

“You’re staying?” you exclaim excitedly. 

“Of course,” Eddie chuckles, “Great sex always needs great aftercare little one.” He plants a sloppy smack of a kiss to your forehead before going for his turn in the shower. 

Steve flops down next to you on his stomach as you roll onto your back, looking up at his damp face and hair. 

“You have fun?” he asks, even though he already knows the answer. 

“So much fun,” you confirm with a smile.

“I think I died and went to heaven when you and Eddie were sucking me off together,” he laughs and you giggle at his dramatics, he’s definitely been spending too much time with Eddie.  

After your laughter has died down he looks at you seriously, tone softening “hey, I’m glad you trusted us enough to do this.”

“Me too,” you reply, soft tone matching his own.  

“And I know eds is glad too,” he continues, you can tell there’s something deeper behind that statement but you’re too tired and blissed out right now to care. 

“I hope so,” is all you reply instead. 

Eddie comes back into the room in his own black pj pants and worn band shirt, letting you know the shower is all yours.

You grab some pjs out of your drawers before having the quickest shower of your life, scared that you’ll take too long and by the time you get out they’ll be gone. This whole evening some sick hallucination your brain made up. 

After you’re dried and dressed you practically run to the room, heart swelling when you see the two men tucked into your bed, facing each other as they whisper softly, Steve on the side closest to your door. They’ve turned off all the lights bar your bedside lamp and have cleaned up all the stray pieces of clothing, all now in a pile at the corner of your room next to their bags. 

At hearing you enter the room Steve rolls on to his back, arm outstretched to you. You take his hand and he helps you climb over him and into the middle of both of them. They mumble hey pretty girl and hey honey and you snuggle up between the two. 

Eddie pulls you on to his chest as Steve snakes an arm around your waist, cuddling up to your back. You’ve all shared a bed together many times before but this time feels different, more intimate. You slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep to the sounds of Eddie’s heartbeat and Steve’s steady breathing. 

Tag List: @andvys @pxrxcxa @wroteclassicaly @eddiemunsonfuxks @usedtobecooler @translatemunson @glorykaterina @bandofoxxking @littledemondani @hellfirebabes @eveatethefruit

[genderless-naper]

zoro x gf!reader

he takes care of his gf who has a bad headache ! lowercase intended !

“i dont feel well”

that was the only sentence you were able to manage out between the pounding of your head and the lightweight of your body. you gripped your head often and stumbled when walking. this immediately caught zoros attention

“y/n are you okay?” he held you to support you up and asked worriedly, which surprised you

“of course i am, i mean im a little seasick.. but nothing to worry about!” you smiled back up at the muscular figure, but realized he isnt giving into your excuses

zoro pulled you along “lets go to chopper, youre not well.”

you tugged on your arm weakly, “i swear im fine zoro”

he still insisted you get checked, and with the pounding getting more rapid you finally gave in

chopper didnt quite understand what was wrong. you repeatedly mentioned it was only seasickness, and nothing to be worried about

the worried doctor shook his head, “i dont know y/n.. ive barely ever seen you seasick, and the symptoms arent like this. you should lay down until i can determine whats wrong”

you sigh and nod. maybe a nap wasnt bad after all

“ill take her to bed” zoro nodded at the doctor but chopper shook his head

“shes having a lot of trouble breathing and needs fresh air. she should lay outside”

zoro nodded and made you follow the doctors advice.

zoro has never believed in following rules in order to get better. he thinks he can train off a sickness and be better, but he will make sure you do anything that could make you feel better. so he made sure you were laying down and comfortable on the deck chairs. he fixed an umbrella above you so the sun didnt have a chance of bothering his sick baby

you giggle at his actions, which only resulted in him lecturing you about why you need to take care of yourself. “boo hoo, youre such a hypocrite zoro” you poked a tongue out and curled up ready to sleep

he sat himself next to your chair with a hand rested on his sword, watching over you. nami giggles to robin while watching zoro, which immediately earned her a hard glare from the swordsman. she rolled her eyes, “im not gonna eat your girlfriend”

he grips a sword, “be quiet. she needs to sleep.” nami once again rolled her eyes while you apologize for zoros actions

“control your guard dog y/n”

a spark lit in zoros eyes as he goes to pull put his sword. you hit his head hard and groan at the sudden movement you had to make in order to tame him, “i need sleep zoro, not you killing people” he nods. for the rest of the day he was on his feet for you

“zoro im really thurs-“ you got a glass of water in your hand

“zoro its really col-“ you got wrapped up in a blanket

“zoro my head hur-“ you got an immediate head massage, which you had to make him stop since his tight grip was only worsening you

you eventually fell asleep, and zoro tasked himself with making sure the crew around were dead silent

you ended up sleeping the whole day; and well into the night. you woke up around 3 am because of the boats sudden rocking, but feeling much better

while stretching and sitting up you noticed a specific marimo still on guard next to your bed

“zoro? whatre you doing up so late?”, no response

you shook his shoulder, still no response

you got up and went around to face him only to witness him asleep while sitting up straight

immediate guilt started tangling in you. you realized it was best to leave him be since he was obviously tired from ‘protecting’ you all day

you managed to lay him down on the grass, and joining beside him. he shifted around while you wrapped the blanket around the both of you

giggling, you look up at his sleep-induced face “thank you for taking care of me zoro..”

cupping his cheek and lightly tracing a finger down his scar. to your surprise youre met with his eyes. he automatically wrapped his arms around your body, still being protective. maybe it was a habit rather than a decision.

yawning in your face and started mumbling, “aho.. take care of yourself..”

all you could was smile widely and kiss his forehead while drifting back to sleep in his embrace💚

hi😏 hope u guys enjoy this as much as i did writing it !! its 2am 😏

[deannaroxannewrites]

Tropetember Day 8 - 5+1 / 3+1

You're in my sickbay again...

Pairing: Leonard McCoy x GN!Reader

Fandom: Star Trek (I was writing it as AOS but pretty sure it works for TOS as well if that's your jam)

Rating: Teen and up

TW: Mentions of torture, mention of injuries

AN: Day 8 of @tropetember. Not a massively in depth fic, more like snapshots of situations that occur through the relationship.

3 times Dr McCoy didn't want to see you in his medbay and 1 time he did

Find this story on Ao3 here.

Word Count: 1.3k

1

While you hadn’t been expecting to be beamed directly into the quarantine suite in the Medbay of the USS Enterprise, after three months working with Captain James T for Trouble Kirk, it wasn’t totally surprising either.

Kirk had been invited to a celebration feast in a system you were exploring, but had only been allowed to bring one guest. As Chief Security Officer or CSO, you had been volunteered for the position.

You had done everything you could to keep the Captain away from anything questionable. Sadly, conversations with him usually went something along the lines of:

“Jim, no”

“Jim, yes”.

It was something you regularly discussed in your sessions with the ship's newly appointed counsellor.

Since quarantine procedures were only instigated when the transporter detected an anomaly in the crew members being transported, and assuming it was due to Jim, you just sigh to yourself and shake your head.

“I told you to watch him closely!”

The southern drawl didn’t soften the accusation, even deadened as it was by the plexiglass divider that separated Quarantine from the rest of the medbay.

“I did! I don’t understa…”

You trail off as you have a sudden realisation and groan.

“I found him with his tongue down the Princess’s throat.”

Dr McCoy gives a long suffering sigh.

“I’ll have to run tests on both of you. The transporter team couldn’t definitively tell if you both have it.” He pauses and looks you up and down. “I expected better of you Lieutenant Commander”

“Yeah, cos you’re so much better at this than I am. It was Orion herpes last time, wasn’t it?”

The CMO just smirks and tells you to stop pointing fingers before sauntering off towards the storage cupboard. You respond by flipping him off. And you maybe watch his ass a little.

Turning to the Captain, who has been uncharacteristically silent until this point, you channel your inner McCoy.

“Goddamnit Jim!”

Jim decides that you and Bones are spending too much time together.

2

When Scotty had called to warn Dr McCoy of an incoming victim of an explosion in engineering, he had not expected it to be you.

“You’re in my sickbay again sweetheart.”

He uses a sing-song tone that he doesn’t employ with the rest of the crew. Nurse Chapel, who is at the other side of the bed, takes note to check in with the Captain as to the state of the betting pool. She believes she may have lost.

You nod in response to the doctor’s enquiry. You’re in far too much pain to think of anything more complex than that in response.

“What were you even doing in Engineering?” he grumbles to himself, moving around in the space to grab hypos, bandages, burn salve and a dermal regenerator. “You’re almost as bad as Jim and Spock.”

You try to focus on him but you’re struggling to stay conscious. It’s not aided by the painkillers he dumps into your system.

McCoy gently moves you to be laying on the bed. He’s concerned at the extent of the damage done and the nerve trauma to your arm. To ease your pain, he hits you with a sedative and you’re out like a light.

-------

You groan as you come back to consciousness, the light of the medbay hurting your eyes.

“Welcome back darlin’” you hear.

Smiling despite yourself, you squint in Leonard’s direction.

“I was helping with the repairs on the lower decks. I assumed it was safer than an away mission. Apparently I was wrong.”

Surprised laughter bubbles from the grumpy doctor as he agrees.

“Well, get yourself rested up. I’m serious this time. I don’t want to see you back in my medbay.”

“Sure” you agree, both of you knowing it won’t last for long. Occupational hazard. “Dinner and a movie on Saturday if the mean Doctor lets me go?”

3

It made a change for a mission to go wrong due to something Spock did but in a culture that valued feelings as much more important than logic, it was not that surprising.

Most of the crew had made a successful escape but yourself and Dr McCoy had been taken hostage during the initial skirmish. You’d been thrown in a cell together and that had been that.

Or at least, so you’d thought.

You’d been dragged from the cell, questioned and beaten in front of McCoy in an attempt to find out details of the Enterprise and it’s crew. You hadn’t broken, but by the time you’d been rescued, you definitely had at least a couple of broken ribs, a black eye and various assorted cuts and bruises.

Len was quiet as he helped to repair your injuries. Where you were black and blue, his torture had been psychological. He couldn’t get your screams out of your head.

Noticing his distracted state you grasps his jaw gently, disguising the wince it bring when it pulls a little, and raise his eyes to yours.

“This isn’t your fault.”

His eyes dart away but you stay firm.

“I am trained for this, Len. I’d do it again to protect you. But you’re going to need to let the guilt go.”

He sighs heavily.

“I’ll try.” He pauses to run the regen unit over your upper arm. “You’ll need to do me a favour though.”

“Anything.”

“Go on a date with me?”

Mr Spock had been on his way to apologise for the consequences of his actions but is distracted by the fact that he has won the betting pool. He better inform the Captain and come back later.

1

You’re still not sure how it happened. As CSO, your main responsibility was the Captain and when things went wrong, his safety was paramount. You couldn’t check on everyone else. You just had to trust that your team was doing their job.

You hadn’t even realised Len had been hit until you landed on the transporter pad.

There had been so much blood.

Now, you were pacing outside the OR. It had been hours since the beam out when finally M’Benga pops his head out.

“He’ll be ok. He won’t be working for a few weeks but he’ll be ok.”

Your knees give out from under you and you land heavily on the chair behind you. Tears of relief escape without your permission and you drop your head into your hands.

M’Benga gives your shoulder a squeeze, letting you know where Len is being moved to and giving you permission to stay with him, before heading off to finish cleaning himself up.

You take a deep breath and approach Len’s bed. His larger than life presence is softened in sleep and you can’t help but notice how fragile he looks.

Taking his hand, you place a kiss on his knuckles and then rest your head against the mattress. After nearly 36hrs awake, you’re out like a light

-----

You wake to the feeling of fingers running through your hair which you automatically nuzzle into. It’s nice. Comforting.

It takes longer than you’d ever admit to orient yourself, but when you do, you raise yourself and meet Len’s eyes. He has a soft smile on his face that you can’t help but mirror.

“Sorry for dropping in, I know you didn’t want to see me in your medbay.” It’s a cheeky comment but it widens his smile into a grin. You pat yourself on the back for lightening the atmosphere.

“I’ll let you off this time.” His voice is a bit scratchy from lack of use but it sounds like the finest music to your ears. How could you have been so close to never hearing it again? He continues, “care to join me for dinner? I’m afraid there’s only jello.”

You laugh at the silly grump of a man in the hospital bed. Your best friend. Your favourite person. The love of your life.

“I’d love to.”

[neonacity]

HYACINTHE | Chapter 1: Jaemin x Reader

Summary:

Na Jaemin is far from being your typical 20 year old. Instead of slaving through college, he wastes away his hours cracking safes. Weekends that should be spent partying with friends consist of illegal races on good days and small scale bombings on bad ones.

Na Jaemin is far from being average, unless you consider being a member of Seoul's top organized crime family normal.

There is no such thing as a sense of normality and peace in his trainwreck of a life, so when he met a barista who was brave enough to call out his dangerous taste in coffee, he was like a moth to the flame. Everything about her is normal, which means she is forbidden to him, in all sense of the word.

So why, then, does he always find himself in the front steps of her shop, breaking all his personal rules even if he wishes he could stay away?

A/N + Disclaimer: this is a side story to Black Daisies, my main mafia fic feat. 0T23. While the plot is based on the main story, this can also be read as a standalone fic. As usual, this is purely a work of fiction and in no way am I implying any member of NCT to behave the way I write them here. tw: crimes, heists, potential death, mentions of drugs and other illegal activities.

PAIRING: Jaemin x Reader

BLACK DAISIES MASTERLIST

___________________________________________________________

I've known him for almost a year and a half when it happened. 

The small bell of the cafe's back door dinged so hard, I thought it would get ripped off from the wall. I looked up, eyes wide with panic and hands still wrapped around the cold corners of a metal tray when a head of jet black hair appeared on the entrance. It took me half a second to register what I was seeing before I found myself flying to his side in a heartbeat. 

"Jaemin! Oh my god, what the hell is going on!"

My first thought was that he was injured. He was doubled over and I quickly hunched to his level so that I could peer at his face. He looked paler than usual, beads of sweat stuck on his forehead, eyes glazed with a slight look of panic as he tried to keep himself from falling over. I threw out my hands to hold him by the shoulders and that's when my gaze caught it; the small black package that he quickly tried to hide inside his bomber jacket before I could even fully see what it is. I didn't give it much attention back then—I was far too focused in trying to see if he was hurt anywhere to worry about anything else. When his gaze finally focused on me, I thought I saw guilt there.  

"I need your help. Sorry, I don't know where else to go."

My brows furrowed together. 

"What the hell is going on—"

He reached out for one of my hands helping him up and squeezed it tight. 

"Please don't ask me questions. Just—can you trust me?" 

"I don't understand—" my voice started to rise. Is he hurt? Bleeding? In pain? 

"Please."

My lips parted then pursed again. 

"Okay."

Jaemin tugged me closer to him and threw a panicked look outside. He then pulled me farther into the now closed cafe, back into the storage room, the location of which he shouldn't even know in the first place. 

"Let me hide here for a bit. Just a bit."

That encounter was my second mistake since meeting Na Jaemin. 

I should have asked questions. 

Lots of them. 

___________________________________________________________

The first mistake happened about a year and half ago. 

"Welcome to Brick and Beans, what would you like to have today?"

I plastered on my practiced smile and looked at the stranger in front of me without actually looking at him. Working in the service industry sure does things to your head once you get used to it. Despite having to deal with people all the time, you also get to develop a kind of numbness and detachment to human interaction. A face just becomes a face, a customer simply becomes just another passing responsibility. I tried to blink a few times to make myself seem more interested on the boy standing in front of my counter, patiently waiting for him to give me his order so we can go ahead and get on with both our business. 

"Uh… I'll have an iced americano. No water. Eight shots of espresso."

My lips parted and curled on the sides to give him my service smile. My hand automatically reached out for the plastic cups stacked on my side while my other whipped out the marker clipped on the pocket of my apron to scribble his order. 

"That's one iced americano, no water, eight—"

I stopped and blinked once. Twice. My gaze shot up at the customer in front of me again and really looked at him for the first time.

"I'm sorry, that's eight shots of espresso?"

He nodded, seemingly unbothered by my question. 

"No water?"

A slight shake of the head. 

"...eight shots. Of espresso."

"Eight shots, yes." 

For a moment we both just stared at each other. He was looking at me patiently, probably only slightly weirded out by my question while I gave him a look that's a mix of worry and disbelief. Working as a barista has exposed me to my own fair share of weird coffee requests, but this is by far the one that takes the cake. 

I softly cleared my throat and turned my attention back to the words I was scribbling on the cup. As strange as it is, I really am not in the position to judge a customer. 

"That'll be 4.50 dollars. Is that for here?"

"Make it to go." 

"Got it. I'll get you your order soon…"

"Jaem." 

I smiled and scribbled his name on the cup. 

Foot traffic was pretty slow on the cafe so I was able to quickly finish the order on autopilot. As I worked on mixing, I found myself humming softly to myself, my tune shifting into short whistles every time I would dunk an espresso shot down into that cup. I didn't even realize that the customer didn't bother taking a seat on one of the empty tables, opting to lean on the wall by the side instead, hands shoved in the pockets of his jogs as his eyes followed me. 

"One iced americano for Jaem," I called out and pushed the packed drink into his hand. He handed me his card and I quickly worked on swiping it. 

"You sure like your coffee explosive, huh?" I shot him a question for the sake of making small talk as I punched some buttons on my terminal. 

"It's the eight shots, isn't it?"

I answered by giving him a shrug and a smile.

"It's the first time I ever did one like it. I can only imagine how it tastes like."

His lips slightly quirked into a smile. A...really cute smile if I might add.  

"Is there anything wrong?"

"It's really good." 

"Sure, Jaem. I'm not here to judge," I gave him a wink before handing back his card and receipt. "Well, thank you for dropping by. We hope to see you here again." He took both wordlessly and slipped them on his wallet. 

I was waiting for him to walk off with his drink with the practiced polite smile plastered on my face again. He turned, coffee in hand, took about five steps, before turning to me again. I blinked in mild confusion as he placed his cup back on my counter. 

"Actually… I'll have it here." 

___________________________________________________________

"I'm not going to try your death coffee, Jaemin." 

I didn't look up from the page I was reading but I could feel it, that deadly pout and puppy eyes combo drilling onto the side of my head. I flipped a page of my textbook over and I heard a sigh come from the boy beside me. 

"I bought it for you. You said you need to finish a paper tonight."

"I do. That doesn't require me to be awake for the next week and a half," I answered back with a quirk of my lips as I finally looked up to meet his gaze. We were seated at one of the far tables of the cafe for my 15 minute break, away from the handful of customers scattered on the smattering of tables and high chairs. This has become quite a routine already… but how it started, I can't really explain.

Ever since that first order, Jaemin had made it his routine to drop by almost regularly. At first the banter started similar to how a regular customer and his favorite barista would have, but since he would always come and visit during slow hours, we would always have more time for longer conversations. Casual talk turned into light-hearted jokes, and finally into a kind of banter that comes with familiarity with each other. Slowly, I came to know the complexities of Na Jaemin, and boy, is he an enigma and a paradox rolled in one. 

You never really know what to expect with him. There are days when he would be a bursting ball of energy—most of the time when he would order his drink from hell—but there are also moments when he would be quiet and reserved. I found it odd at first, but slowly accepted it since it didn't really hurt me in the first place. In fact, if I am going to be completely honest, I find this kind of personality set working for me. Imagine gaining two friends, except they're only in one body. 

But that's not the only odd thing in our dynamic, too. If someone would ask me now to describe the kind of friendship I have with him, I wouldn't really know how to explain it. We joke together, laugh together, sometimes even tease the crap out of each other like we've known each other for years. We work well together, but at the same time… I know almost next to nothing about him. I don't know his address, who his other friends are, if he's going to school or not… hell, I don't even know what his number is. Outside of this cafe and his regular visits, I don't have anything to prove that he actually exists. He didn't share, and I also didn't ask. 

Until today.

"Fine. I'm just going to drink this then."

I gasped before shooting him a squinted glare. 

"You are going to burn a hole in your stomach, I swear to god—"

He simply shrugged and made a huge show of sipping the previously untouched tears of Lucifer. 

I reached out to tug at the hood of his jacket in an attempt to call him out when I noticed it. His hair was initially masking it at first but now I could see it in full view: a purple bruise just on the side of his eye, almost to his temple.

"Oh my god, Jaemin. What happened?" I asked in a hurry as I tried to take a closer look at it. His expression changed in a heartbeat as he realized what I saw and he quickly leaned back and pulled the hoodie again over his head. 

"That's—it's nothing." 

"It looks so bad. How did you get that?"

He didn't answer. His eyes avoided my own and his hand gripped the plastic cup between us a little bit tighter. 

"Did you get into a fight?" I pushed, gently this time. 

His gaze moved to meet mine again for a few seconds. It's obvious he was contemplating what and how to answer. 

"Yeah… I got into a bit of a tumble with some friends."

I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest as I leaned back on my seat. He threw me a look that silently asked what else I want from him.

"Look. You don't tell me shit but at least I know enough to be sure you are lying."

Jaemin looked away and started tapping his finger against the table. 

"Why are you… why do you even want to know?"

I looked at him incredulously for a few seconds before leaning over. 

"Because you're my friend and I want to make sure you are okay."

"I am okay."

"Your black eye says otherwise."

"Come on, don't push this. Can't we be friends without," he waved his hand between us. "This?"

"Jaemin, I don't even know who you are."

That made him stop. He stared at me for what felt like a full half minute and that's when I saw it for the first time. The dilemma in his eyes. 

"It was because of work…" 

The look of confusion I made must have been so intense that he quickly tried to jump over it.

"Work—why, what do you—"

"I'm sorry, but that's really all that I can tell you." 

The sound of desperation in his tone wasn't lost on me. He looked so torn that I felt almost guilty for pressing.

"Fine… I won't ask again… As long as you are sure you're fine."

He peered at me once more as if assessing if he was finally off the hook. 

"So...we're still friends?"

"Huh?"

"You and me… we're still friends?"

"Uh, yes…" 

The look of relief on his face made me smile despite myself. He caught it and he made it a point to answer it with his best eye roll. 

"Don't laugh at me. I don't know how to do friends."

"You're so cute~"

"Shut up."

And that was the exact day I decided—I'm never going to let Na Jaemin feel alone again. 

Chapter 2

[honeytae]

You’ll always be my favorite person.

okay...here we go...this is my first venture into a mini-series! this will have four or five parts i think...it’s just super fluffy friends to lovers, you know the gig. they’re idiots but...they’ll find their way eventually <3 i hope you all like this, please let me know if i did okay  tags: @ahgasearmyfan, @hoseokayy, @the1921-monsters genre: angst, fluff, IDIOTS TO LOVERS warnings: mentions of cheating, depressive themes (breakup aftermath), namjoon is in denial word count: 3.3k

In which your best friend, Kim Namjoon, helps you get over your asshole ex-boyfriend; perhaps, maybe, he was never the one you loved anyway.

Your eardrums still buzzed from all the shouting. 

Your socked feet repetitively hit the ground, bunching the fabric of your shirt in angst as the aftershocks of the breakup rung through your body. You’d been pacing your living room ever since it happened, a painful lump in your throat threatening to rear it’s head as you debated calling him.

Him. Your best friend, Namjoon. The one you could go to for anything, the only one you wanted to go to. Especially in times like this, when your hands were shaking and your chest felt tight and constricted. 

It was definitely not a good time, only a few hours before his workday began, but you felt as if you were going to drive yourself insane if you went on like this. 

Tapping on Namjoon’s contact, you caved, pressing the phone to your ear to hear the two deep notes before they abruptly stopped.

“Hello?” He rasped, clearing his throat at the gravelly voice he’d just displayed, you staying silent on the other line as guilt seeped through your veins.

“Were you sleeping?” He hears your much too awake voice say through the phone, shaky in a way that had him alert in an instant. 

“No, no,” he lied, sitting up against the headboard as his brows furrowed in worry, “what’s wrong?” he asked immediately, concern taking over his tone as he heard you hesitate, balls of his feet landing on the ground as he clutched the phone tighter at the sound of your sniffle. 

The mere question made tears collect on your water line, lower lip trembling as your face scrunched up in a silent cry that wracked your shoulders. 

Trying your best to regain your composure, you ran a hand through your hair, pushing it away from your face as your stare directed out the window adjacent to you. 

“I don’t even know how it escalated so much but we got into a fight, he left, we broke up.” You blurt out, biting down on your lip to silence the sob coming up your throat and threatening to spill out into the microphone of your device.

There was a heavy moment of silence between the two of you, one that would typically be filled with a joke or poking fun at the other for their awkwardness. But this one was tense, Namjoon’s anger bubbling in his chest echoing in the silence as you stifled your cries.

He’d been there for you for multiple breakups, being the shoulder for you to cry on each time someone broke your heart. It was heartbreaking for him as well, seeing you so shattered over someone who didn’t deserve you. Someone who didn’t deserve your love in the first place. 

“Fuck.” He mumbled, pausing for a moment at a loss for words. “Are you okay? That’s a stupid question, of course you’re not.” He answered himself, grabbing his glasses from his bedside table to slide atop his ears. 

“I’m coming over.” He announced, standing from the mattress and stumbling over to his wardrobe, pulling out a pair of sweatpants to hastily slip on as he lifted his shoulder to his ear in order to hold the phone so that he could still hear you.

Immediately, you began to shake your head no, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t see you. 

“Joonie, don’t, I’m sorry for calling-“

“Love, I’m coming over. I’m already on my way.” 

When Namjoon arrived, you couldn’t help but collapse into his arms, his strong limbs wrapping you up in a tight hug as he shut the front door behind him. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I’m sorry.” He whispered, hand placed on the back of your head as your shoulders shook with the force of your sobs, his own heart breaking at the sound of your choked cries being muffled into his shirt. 

He stood with you in his grip for a few minutes, letting you cry in his arms as he swayed you comfortingly side to side. 

“Can I walk you over to the couch?” He inquired softly, getting a stoic nod from you in response, never lifting you head from his chest as he began shuffling both your bodies over to the living room. 

You blindly followed his lead as he lowered himself down onto the couch, placing you beside him on the cushion and welcoming you closer when you wrapped your arms around his neck. 

Rubbing his palm up and down your spine, he watched as you steadily began to breathe slower. 

“What happened?” He murmured, watching with gentle eyes as you lifted your head from his body, pouting as you sat up straight against the back of the sofa, looking down at your lap dejectedly. 

Shoulders heaving in a long sigh, you ran a hand through your hair to push it away from your face, the patience exuding from the figure next to you easing you slightly. 

“I was the one who ended things.” 

Namjoon made a quiet noise of surprise from his spot next to you, eyebrows raised slightly as his eyes widened. 

Out of all the relationships you’d been in during his time of knowing you, you’d always been the one who was broken up with. Your history with dating had left Namjoon angry time and time again at the brutal endings that had come along with it. 

“What’d he do?” He asked firmly, tone protective yet knowing as his eyes implored your sullen figure. Fiddling with your fingers, you blew out a sigh, bra it yourself for the explanation to come. 

“Do you remember Hobi’s party?” You asked, Namjoon cocking his head in confusion at the abrupt question.

“Remember when I stormed off and you had to come find me?” You elaborated, a light bulb sparking in Namjoon’s brain as he slowly nodded. Yes, he did remember that.

He remembered coming back from the restroom and not being able to find you, clueless as to where you’d gone before his friends filled him in that you’d suddenly fled without reason. 

Circling the yard several times without finding you, he walked into Hoseok’s house, poking his head into each room with no luck. 

It was when he glanced out the window of the kitchen that he saw a light outside in the dark; a phone screen lighting up none other than your face, low to the ground making him scrunch his brows in confusion before scrambling to exit the house to make sure you were okay. 

Namjoon, ever the gentle giant, couldn’t walk quietly to save his life, shoes pounding against the pavement with each long stride he took toward your hunched over frame. 

The sound of his footsteps had only jarred you slightly, setting your phone down in your lap with a sigh as he sat down beside you on the curb of his friend’s driveway. 

“How’d you end up here?” He had asked, ready to poke fun at you before he noticed the sad gleam in your eye, a frown suddenly overtaking his face as you merely shrugged in response. 

It was a complete contrast to how you’d been just before he’d left for the bathroom, laughing and singing and having fun with him and his friends. He didn’t know what could’ve possibly happened in that short time he was gone. But you were upset, which automatically made him upset.

He tensed up when he realized you might want to be left alone, opening his mouth to ask if that’s what you wanted but pausing once you scooted toward him to rest your head on his shoulder. 

He remembered the words you whispered after a few moments of heavy silence, Namjoon’s heart pounding in his chest as your hands wrapped around his bicep.

I love you.

Moments like that were the hardest for him. Of course he remembered. 

“Yeah. Well, I stormed out because he was letting this girl sit on his lap, practically making out with her.” You scoffed, picking at a string dangling from the sleeve of your shirt as you frowned at the memory.

Silence absorbing the room, you glanced up at Namjoon, unsurprised by the perturbed look on his face.

Namjoon seemed beyond appalled before the emotions on his face turned into anger, his once gaped mouth tightly shut, clenching his jaw while his eyes shot daggers at the man who was no longer in your life. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He finally spoke, facial expression hardening by the second with the new information. 

“I was embarrassed, Joon. Obviously him going to someone else is a message that I’m not enough. I didn’t want anyone to know that, not even you.” You shrugged, Namjoon’s face scrunching in confusion at your explanation.

“That’s such bullshit. He’s sleazy. That’s why he went to someone else. His actions don’t insinuate anything about you.” He fumed, causing you to shrug tiredly.

“It was fucked up, and he knew it. He apologized, said he was just drunk.” You sighed, playing with your fingers in your lap again as Namjoon listened, glancing at your side profile as you heaved another deep exhale. 

“I bought it then, but I don’t believe a word of it now. She’s been blowing up his phone ever since that night.” You confessed, Namjoon’s eyebrows knitting together at your words.

“Was he,” Namjoon started lowly, not daring to finish the sentence he had began. 

“I don’t know, I can’t prove it, but he was messaging her all the fucking time, Joon. It made me feel really weird.” You sighed, resting your elbow on the back of the couch to place your temple onto your palm, letting your eyes fall shut in exhaustion.

“I wouldn’t feel good about that either. God, what a fucking dick.” He said in disbelief, looking at your tired form with a sympathetic frown before shuffling his body closer to you.

“C’mere.”

You heard the return of his soft voice call for you, reaching his arm out behind your back to welcome you into his chest, wrapping you up in a tight hug as he rested his chin on the top of your head. 

“I’ll always be here for you.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to your hair and making you exhale a sigh against him. 

“I know you will. Thank you.” You whispered, clutching onto his soft shirt with a ball of your fist into the fabric. 

“And I’m gonna kick his ass.”

You exhaled a small wheeze at that, burying your face into his shirt, his solid figure providing a comfortable headrest for you. 

“You’re not gonna kick his ass, Joon. You’re too good for that.” You patted his shoulder fondly, sniffling against him as his hand circled your spine. 

Namjoon sighed, knowing you were right. He’d never be able to. But god, if only he was a little tougher. He’d beat any asshole who decided to toss your love away.

Tucking his neck in to look down at you, he recognized the closing of your eyelids, your breathing slowing as you fell into slumber. 

Your eyelashes fanned out onto your cheeks, the skin slightly pink from the salt that had been trailing down from your eyes earlier. Your hair was caught in the dampness, causing Namjoon to gently gather the strands and push it back behind your ears. 

Carefully turning his body around the sofa, he slowly lowered his back to the cushions, you snuggling up on his chest as his hand rested on the crown of your head. 

Staring at the ceiling, he could not fathom the fact that someone would choose anything over this. Over you. He had your love, and he threw it away. It angered Namjoon to no end.

Namjoon, who had been your protector since second grade when he’d helped you get your hair untangled from the swingset. He still remembered the vision when he’d seen it get caught from across the schoolyard, running away from the soccer game him and his friends had been playing in order to help you. 

He could still picture your big eyes staring at him as he untwisted your hair from the chain, explaining to you that he had experience doing this because it’d happened to his younger sister so many times.

You’d been quite shy then, only saying a polite thank you when he was done and taking his slightly sweaty hand to shake it when he offered it to you.

“Namjoon. I’m new.” He explained with a smile, withdrawing his hand to push his glasses up his nose before backing away from you as his friend called out for him.

“I’ll see you later!”

From that day on, you and Namjoon had steadily grown closer, running around with each other at recess and sitting together at lunch. You’d broken out of your shell with him after spending so much time together, your shyness slowly fading as he gained your trust.

As you went into middle school, you two stayed close despite every other friend duo or trio breaking up, the both of you managing to avoid drama all the way through your freshman year. 

That was the year Namjoon got his first girlfriend.

They’d only dated a few months, but he’d been left heartbroken when she wanted to split up. It was you that came to his rescue, stopping at his house with his favorite takeout and rocking him from side to side when he eventually broke down in your arms. 

You had always been there. And his crush had been too, but he’d, through years of suppressing it, gotten to a point where he could act like it wasn’t. 

After all, you were best friends. And that was enough for Namjoon. Having you in his life in any capacity was enough.

•••

You awoke a few hours later to a blinding light in your living room, sun piercing your swollen eyes making you cover them with your palms, a groan slipping past your lips at the heavy weight of your eyelids protesting your consciousness. 

Rubbing them to hopefully soothe the feeling, you pulled your hands away from your face, grasping the blanket on top of you in confusion. 

Dropping your head back down onto the couch, your mind raced with flashbacks from last night. The way he had screamed at you when you’d reached for his phone when it wouldn’t stop ringing because of that fucking girl, how it had turned into a huge argument that ended in you breaking up with him, collapsing in tears as soon as he left. 

You felt dizzy at the memory, the nearly two hour long argument draining you mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

You remembered calling Namjoon, him coming over-

Namjoon. Where was he?

Opening your eyes again, you tried to sit up, scooting your butt back on the couch to straighten your spine. It cracked as you did so, causing you to groan lightly as you turned your neck, sleepily looking around your living room. 

Finding your cell phone on the coffee table, you reached your arm over to retrieve it, looking at the bright screen with squinted eyes. 

Bypassing the rest of your notifications, you read the timestamp, concluding with a sigh that Namjoon had most likely left last night and already departed for work.

Standing up off of the couch, blanket still draped over your shoulders, you shuffled to your bedroom, plopping yourself down on your bed face down with a grunt. 

You couldn’t help the way your mind started spinning with the events of the last few months, the spiral and eventual downfall of your relationship. 

Was he the love of your life? Probably not. But fuck, you’d devoted time and emotion to him, you’d defended him to your family and friends and made yourself look like an ass while doing so over him, and you still weren’t enough. You weren’t enough.

Silent tears began soaking the pillow below you, your sniffles filling the room as you covered your face with the blanket, trapping yourself in the darkness beneath the tent of fabric. 

Finally, the fresh tears stopped falling, your bedroom once again encased in silence as you shut your sore eyes, hoping for some sleep to distract yourself for a bit.

Just as you were about to plunge into sleep, you startled awake at the sudden feeling of a hand on your shoulder before settling at the familiar warmth and size of the palm. Namjoon. Your gentle, goofy, over-sized best friend.

“Hello?” He called to you, tugging at the blanket again to which you released your grip, allowing him to see the wet trails down your reddened cheeks as you pouted up at him.

The devastated look on his face made you feel even worse, never liking to see Namjoon with such a glum expression.

His dimpled smile belonged on his face, the gentle scrunch of his nose when he laughed at something making him look not too far off from when you used to make him laugh in elementary school. 

Seeing Namjoon sad was always a trigger to you, and with your current mental state, it was no exception. You couldn’t hold back the choked sob that came out of your mouth, Namjoon instantly sitting back against the headboard and welcoming you into his side as you crawled to him. 

“Oh, love.” He frowned, hand trailing up and down your spine to coax your cries. 

“It hurts, Joon.” You whimpered, the man soothing your hair back with a frown.

“I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He said softly, not knowing what other words to say. 

Honestly, he was fucking furious at him. Furious for playing with your heart like that. But he needed to be here for you, present to make sure you were coping healthily. 

“I thought you left for work.” You whispered, Namjoon humming softly in response.

“Mm, no, I called out. I just went to go pick up some coffee.” He explained, gesturing over to your bureau where two to-go cups of coffee sat side by side. 

“Why’d you call-”

“Because you need me and I’m not going to leave you. Plus, I woke up late today anyway. There was no time for me to go back home and get dressed then get there.” 

“You didn’t have to call out for me, Joon.”

“Love, I wanted to. I promise.” He said, causing you to sigh against him. 

“Thank you.” You mumbled, not knowing quite what you did to deserve such a selfless person in your life. 

When it came to absolute sweethearts, Namjoon took the cake.

“Plus, now I can spend my day with my favorite person. Who’d give that up?” He squeezed your shoulder, raising his eyebrows when you stirred in your position.

His words caused you to pick your head up off of him, Namjoon ignoring the daggers you sent him while he smoothed your fuzzy bedhead down with his palm. 

“You wanted to spend your day with a crying broken me? Really?” You practically scoffed, Namjoon squeezing your shoulder in response. 

“Hey, crying you is still you. You’ll always be my favorite person.” He defended himself, you shaking your head at him with a small smile. 

Laying back down against him, he latched an arm around your waist, securing you in his hold and making you exhale a bit of the tension in your body. 

“Wanna watch something?” He looked from the blank television back to you snuggled against his side, your nod causing his arm to reach over the bureau to grab the remote. 

“The usual?” He wondered, beginning to type the letters into the search bar when you nodded once again. 

Setting the remote down as the Looney Tunes introduction music played from the speaker, both your and Namjoon’s eyes glued to the screen as you lost yourselves in the nostalgia it provided. 

It brought you back to simpler times, when you were in fifth grade having your after school snack at Namjoon’s house, fruit that his mother had cut up for the two of you. 

It brought you back to simpler times when stupid men hadn’t wormed their way into your heart, only to reject you once they had you. 

Being brought back to earth by the man beside you with his hand trailing through your hair, you closed your eyes, thanking him in your head for always knowing what you needed. 

You knew you’d be okay eventually. Namjoon wouldn’t let you fail.

He never had.

[kpop-zone]

(G)I-dle making up for slapping their s/o

Prequel

Miyeon

Miyeon could have never guessed how hard it would be to give you time. She just wanted to be close to you again. But she wouldn’t allow herself to overstep your boundaries; not again. So, she tried her hardest not to impose herself on you, even though it was slowly killing her. Usually, you had always allowed her to wrap her arms around you, no matter what you were doing. Now, Miyeon didn’t really know what to do with herself when she was around you. The lighthearted conversations and bubbly laughter in your life had turned into suffocating silence and an excruciating atmosphere and Miyeon was starting to get anxious.

Several weeks had already passed since that disastrous night, but you were still punishing her with ignorance. Of course, Miyeon had known that her mistake needed time to heal, still, she hadn’t expected such agonizing repercussions. No matter how much space Miyeon gave you or how many gifts she bought you in an attempt to show her remorse, you didn’t allow her to get close again. And she began running out of ideas. Was there anything that she could do to make it all better? Or was it too late? Maybe if she were smarter or less selfish, she would have accepted her defeat and left you alone. But she just couldn’t. She didn’t want to live without you. So she had accepted your punishments patiently while desperately holding on to you and feeling how you drifted further and further away. Until she couldn’t take it anymore one night.

You were coming home from work, only acknowledging her with the typical head nod and Miyeon felt the crack in her heart reaching a depth that she just couldn’t ignore anymore. She needed to know if the deep divide between the two of you was conquerable or if you had already given up.

“Do you still love me?”

She blurted out while tears started to pool in her eyes and you stared at her in shock, apparently not having expected her sudden outburst.

“I will leave if you ask me to. But I don’t mind waiting for you as long as there is hope. I just need something to hold onto. I just need to know that you are still willing to fight for this relationship.”

Miyeon added with a shaky voice and you instantly avoided her gaze, making the tears in her eyes spill at last. Your silence was a sufficient answer, even if it wasn’t the one that she had wanted to hear. Although the two of you were only standing a few steps apart, the distance between you felt like an ocean again and Miyeon couldn’t bear it anymore. Abruptly, she turned on her heel to run to the bedroom. Just before she could slip out of your sight, however, your voice caused her to stop.

“I do.”

Confused, Miyeon turned around to look at you while trying to decrypt your equivocal words. When you noticed the confusion in her face, you cleared your throat and took a few steps closer to her.

“I do still love you.”

You clarified, causing Miyeon’s eyes to widen in shock.

“You do?”

She asked dumbfounded after already having accepted her defeat. Slowly, you nodded in response and at a blow, Miyeon felt like the darkness that had surrounded her the past weeks was lifted. Her heart began beating wildly in her chest and a wide smile lit up her face. She wanted nothing more than to run into your arms now, but she didn’t know whether you were ready for that yet. Insecurely, she looked at you while shifting her weight from one leg to the other until you eventually opened your arms.

“Come here.”

You chuckled and Miyeon didn’t need a second to dash forward. With full force she threw herself into your arms and hugged you so tightly that you needed to remind her that you had to breathe.

“I’m sorry. And I’m sorry that I created this mess in the first place. I swear that I will never hurt you again.”

She mumbled against your body, knowing that she would never do anything ever again to drive you away.

“I know.”

You replied before kissing the crown of her head, causing Miyeon to hum happily. This was the only way it was supposed to be.

Minnie

Minnie stared at you at a loss for words. She couldn’t find the answer in your eyes like she had hoped to, but her hesitation was apparently all the answer that you needed. Tears shot into your eyes as you nodded in defeat and slowly pulled yourself to your feet. Minnie watched you with a heavy heart and another wave of guilt washed over her. Why did she only ever make you cry?

Maybe it would be for the better if she let you go...

Conflicted, you lingered for a moment, but when Minnie still couldn’t manage to give you the answer that you needed, you started to drag your feet to the front door. It was unbearable for Minnie to watch you leave. Every fiber in her body told her to block your way, but she forced herself to stay put. For your sake. You deserved a better girlfriend. Only after the front door had swallowed you, Minnie couldn’t hold herself back anymore. She abruptly leaped to her feet and rushed to the door. Her hand hovered above the doorknob as her desire to be with you and her guilt collided inside of her. No matter what she did, it felt wrong. In despair, she slid down the front door and sunk to the floor.

She just didn’t know what to do.

Her whole body hurt, causing the sound of her sobs to fill the quiet room. She felt how she got caught up in a downward spiral. She was in free fall into endless sadness until a strange sound suddenly caused her to freeze. Confused, Minnie’s head snapped up and she looked around. But even through her blurry eyes she could see that she was still the only person in the room. Where was this noise coming from? For a moment, Minnie halted her movements and listened carefully until she was able to make out the source and the location of the noise. It was the sound of sobs. Someone else was crying right on the other side of the door.

Minnie’s heart broke and before she even knew what she was doing, she found herself on her feet, tearing open the door. You were cowering on the floor just like she had a few seconds ago while crying bitterly. On autopilot, Minnie leaped forward and wrapped her arms around you.

“It’s ok, don’t cry. Please don’t cry, Y/N. I’m sorry.”

She cooed soothingly between some of her own sobs. For several minutes, the two of you just stayed in each other’s arms on the floor until your sobs didn’t echo through the hallway anymore. Hesitantly, Minnie leaned back to look at you and her fingers automatically stroked your cheeks to remove the last remainders of your tears.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. Please come back inside again. I was being stupid. I wanted to be selfless and let you go, but I can’t live without you. Please don’t go, I promise I will work on forgiving myself.”

She pleaded, having realized that the decision to let you go had been the worst that she had ever made.

“How would that be selfless, dummy? I don’t want to live without you either.”

You exclaimed with a smile tugging on your lips, causing Minnie to sigh in relief.

“So you’ll come back inside?”

She asked insecurely, but you instantly nodded.

“Yes. If you stop acting weird.”

You replied while giving her a scrutinizing look.

“I will. I promise.”

Minnie was quick to agree to your condition before pulling both of you to your feet and into the apartment again. Even if she hadn’t wanted to forgive herself initially, her desire to keep you in her life was still bigger. So she would do anything to make you happy again.

Soojin

“Are you going to keep staring at me?”

You asked annoyed after the room had fallen silent for a while already but Soojin was still sitting right by your side. She just hadn’t been able to bring herself to walk away from you.

“I’m sorry.”

She whispered for the third time tonight and you groaned before turning to your back again. Expectantly, you looked at her, seemingly waiting for her to say more than just those three words. The same feeling of anxiety from earlier washed over Soojin and once more, she averted her gaze from you. What if she said the wrong thing? But she knew that she didn’t have the luxury to take her time with an answer now. You were looking more than just annoyed and if she wouldn’t be able to express her feelings right in this moment, there would be no hope for a reconciliation tonight.

“I’m sorry for everything. I should have taken your feelings seriously. I shouldn’t have slapped you. And I definitely also shouldn’t have run away. But I was just so ashamed of myself; I couldn’t bear to look into your eyes.”

Soojin sputtered before reluctantly looking at you. For a moment, you only stared at her, but then you inhaled deeply.

“I really can’t believe that you slapped me. And then you had the nerve to run away...”

You scoffed and Soojin felt how her shame hit her with full force again.

“I know. I can’t believe it either.”

She mumbled mortified while letting her head hang.

“Is this all that you wanted to tell me?”

You asked after both of you had been silent for a while and Soojin quickly shook her head.

“No! I also wanted to tell you what I should have told you earlier instead of slapping you. I’m sorry for not defending you in the restaurant. But that was not because I agreed in any way with what has been said. It’s just that sometimes I forget that you’re insecure about those things. Because you’re perfect to me in ever single way. So if I talk with my friends about you, I swear to god, it’s only to tell them how breathtaking, smart, kind, caring and thoughtful you are.”

She clarified, feeling how a part of the weight on her shoulders was suddenly lifted off. Maybe you would never be able to forgive her, but Soojin at least wanted you to know the truth behind her wrongdoing. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself knowing that you believed that she thought of you as anything less than perfect.

For a while, nothing but the faint noise of the refrigerator buzzing in the kitchen could be heard and Soojin contemplated what to do next. Would you allow her to sleep in the same bed as you? Should she sleep on the couch? Or would you even ask her to leave the apartment? Before she could come up with a plan, however, you cleared your throat and piped up again.

“I know that you would never make fun of me with your friends. I mean earlier my anger told me that it was a possibility. But even then, deep-down I knew that it wasn’t true. I just wanted to say something to hurt you.”

You admitted sheepishly and for the first time tonight a light smile tugged on Soojin’s lips.

“I’m glad that you know.”

She sighed in relief while finally daring to look into your eyes. She was still ashamed of her actions, yet it felt like the two of you had gotten one step closer to reconciliation.

“Maybe we can talk tomorrow about everything; calmly this time.”

You chuckled and Soojin quickly nodded in reply.

“I’d love to!”

She exclaimed a little too excited, causing you to laugh to yourself.

“Alright then. Try to get some sleep now.”

You smiled softly while pointing at her side of the bed and Soojin’s heart almost jumped out of her chest. Eagerly, she nodded in agreement before hastily discarding the flowers and getting ready for bed as if she suspected that you could change your mind any second. In record time, she found herself lying next to you although she neither dared to look at you nor to close her eyes. What if she woke up and you weren’t there anymore?

“Relax, Soojin. Everything’s going to be ok.”

You suddenly piped up as if you could read her thoughts and Soojin turned her head to the side. Your beautiful eyes radiated a sense of comfort and Soojin’s heartbeat calmed down at last. Everything would be ok again.

Soyeon

Soyeon didn’t even need to think where to go after the door had slammed shut. Her feet automatically carried her to the company that gladly was in walking distance. She hoped that her studio could give her the comfort that she desperately needed. Maybe she could even put all this sadness into something useful and start working on the next album. To her dismay, however, Soyeon didn’t feel the usual itch in her fingers once she sat down in front of her desk and the pages of her notebook stayed completely empty. No matter which keys she pressed on the keyboard or what chords she strung together, everything sounded bland to her. For almost two hours Soyeon tried to write down at least a single line until she was left completely frustrated and simply threw herself on the couch in her studio. She couldn’t concentrate when her relationship -the most important thing in her life- was on the brink of ruin. All she wanted to do was to go home and make up. But she knew that she couldn’t do that. This had to happen on your terms, and you clearly had asked her to give you space. So she needed to abide by your request. Even if it meant that the group had to suffer from it.

After spending a night on a sofa and not sleeping a single second, Soyeon very groggily attended dance practice the next morning. Her members immediately figured out what was wrong and showed her sympathy, but her teachers, unfortunately, were less compassionate. The minutes seemed like hours and in between the angry looks by her teachers and the anxious glances on her phone to check for a sign of life from you, Soyeon felt like losing her mind. She had hoped that you would be willing to see her again today, but after an exhausting day at the company there still hadn’t popped up a notification from you on her screen.

“Relax, Y/N is going to reach out to you.”

Yuqi tried to cheer her up when all of them were grabbing their stuff to go home.

“I don’t think so. It’s over.”

Soyeon replied crestfallen, starting to accept the fact that she had managed to ruin what had been perfect in just one night.

Suddenly, however, the screen of her phone lit up, causing Soyeon’s breath to hitch in her throat. Frozen, she stared at her phone, too scared to get her hopes up. Maybe it was just one of their managers...or maybe it was a breakup text.

“Look at it!!”

Shuhua urged her while pressing the phone in Soyeon’s hand. Shakily, she lifted the device up and looked at the message.

Y/N: Will you be home for dinner?

She read out loud and her members instantly assured her that this was a good sign. Still, Soyeon didn’t want to impose herself on you and decided to leave it up to you.

Soyeon: If you want me to?

She replied before anxiously staring on the screen and waiting for your reply.

Y/N: ...

For an eternity, Soyeon watched these three dots dancing on her screen and with every second that passed, she felt more like losing it. Eventually, however, you decided to end her torture and transformed the three dots into one single word.

Y/N: Yes

Your answer was short, but it made Soyeon feel more than any poem probably could have ever managed. In lightning speed, she said goodbye to her members and rushed home to you. When she reached the front door to your apartment, she typed in the wrong door code three times out of nervousness before finally being able to bolt into the apartment.

“Y/N?”

Soyeon yelled breathlessly as soon as she was inside in need to quiet the part of her that was convinced that you were just messing with her and had already left. To her surprise, however, you stepped into her sight just a few seconds later, making her exhale shakily in relief.

“I ordered from our favorite place. I hope that’s ok.”

You piped up eventually after the two of you had awkwardly stared at each other for a while and Soyeon nodded eagerly.

“Yes! Perfect! We can do whatever you want.”

She replied although she wasn’t really referring to the food with her last sentence. Soyeon felt relieved that you were willing to see her, nevertheless, she wanted you to know that the two of you would proceed in your pace.

“What do you want though?”

You answered while defensively guarding yourself by crossing your arms. Soyeon hated this tension that extended between the two of you and made it so much harder to wear her heart on her sleeve, but she still wanted to try her best.

“I want to tell you how sorry I am and that I know that what I did yesterday is unforgivable. But I also want to tell you that it will never happen again and that I will work very hard to make this right again. If that is what you want too of course.”

Nervously, Soyeon glanced at you, once again waiting for you to end her torture. You, on the other hand, were completely calm and took your time contemplating her offer. Your gaze seemed to burn right through Soyeon’s skin, and she uncomfortably tugged on her clothes while awaiting your verdict.

“Well, I guess I haven’t been really fair yesterday either. So we might do better to just try to forget last night...”

You replied after an eternity, causing Soyeon’s heart to leap in her chest.

“Ok!”

She agreed relieved, not being able to hide a wide smile anymore. There was nothing that she would rather do than to forget last night. She just wanted to go back to where the two of you had left off and the fact that you felt the same was making her happier than anything else in her life before.

Yuqi

“How could you have slapped me?”

You eventually broke the silence, but the disappointment in your voice made the awkward silence from before almost more desirable.

“I-I don’t know...”

Yuqi stammered in reply, because she truly couldn’t make sense of her behavior. She had never considered violence to be a solution for anything and hurting you was one of her scariest nightmares.

“You know the reason I started dating you was because I trusted you more than anyone else and because I felt safe around you.”

You sighed sadly and your choice of words caused Yuqi’s heart to tear in two. Trusted. Felt. Why were you talking in past tense? She needed you to know that tonight had just been a slip-up.

“And I really value that trust. Even if it didn’t seem like it tonight.”

Yuqi pleadingly looked at you, hoping that you were able to see her sincerity, but you were quick to avoid her gaze.

“I don’t know what to believe...”

You mumbled while massaging your temples as if this situation were causing you a headache, making Yuqi feel even worse about herself. She didn’t want you to martyr yourself like that because of her.

“I know and that’s ok! You don’t have to have everything figured out tonight. We can see how the next weeks will go. I swear that I will do everything to try to gain your trust back, but... if it doesn’t work out and you still feel uncomfortable, just say so and... I will leave.”

Yuqi’s last words felt like they were covered with thorns and only arduously left her throat. As much as she wanted to be a good person and give you the space to leave, only the thought of losing you made her feel nauseous. Nevertheless, she planned to stick to her offer and expectantly looked at you to agree to it. You still avoided her gaze, but after contemplating your options for a while, you eventually nodded in agreement. At a blow, Yuqi felt all the tension leaving her body and she almost sighed in relief. She knew though that she was nowhere near to celebrate. She still had to gain back your trust which had to be the most difficult task in the world. Yet, she felt hopeful. Your willingness to let her try to make it up to you showed her that at least some part of you still cared about this relationship.

“Thank you, Y/N. I really appreciate this, and I promise that I will not let your second chance go to waste.”

She exclaimed gratefully and you looked at her with a piercing gaze.

“You better not.”

You warned her, causing a cold shiver to run up and down Yuqi’s spine. Suddenly she was hyperaware of what she had to lose, and an uncomfortable, tingling sensation settled in her stomach. She really had to get this right.

“You have my word. Your trust has always been the most important thing to me and knowing that I have managed to break it will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Yuqi admitted with regret and you nodded slightly as if you were satisfied with her answer before standing up.

“I think we’ve said everything that needed to be said. I’m going to bed now.”

You concluded while walking towards the bedroom. Yuqi, on the other hand, kept sitting on the couch, feeling like you hadn’t said everything that needed to be said because she had no idea where the two of you were standing right now. Was she allowed to follow you? Was she supposed to give you space tonight? Indecisively, she wriggled about on the couch for a while until she decided that she should rather be safe than sorry. Therefore, she only walked into the bedroom to grab her pillow and a blanket while feeling your gaze on her before returning to the living room again. With a slight pout on her face, she made her bed on the couch until your sudden voice almost startled her to death.

“Yuqi, I appreciate the gesture, but just come to bed. Otherwise, you’ll only have backpain tomorrow.”

You were standing in the doorframe to your bedroom with your arms crossed and Yuqi looked at you with wide eyes.

“Are you sure?”

She asked insecurely to make sure that this was really what you wanted.

“Yes. I mean you’re not allowed to cuddle, but I’ll survive having you in my bed.”

You replied and Yuqi couldn’t help but to smile a bit. This almost felt like the usual banter that you always had after a minor fight when you were still mad at her but weren’t able to hide your caring nature. Without hesitation Yuqi leaped to her feet and followed you into the bedroom with her blanket and pillow under her arms. All of a sudden she didn’t fell as anxious anymore as before. She was sure that if she only worked hard enough, she could remind you again of who she really was. The love that the two of you shared was one of a kind and Yuqi believed firmly that it was strong enough to overcome any obstacle.

Shuhua

It had taken Shuhua almost all night to calm down again. Anxiously, she had walked in circles in the living room while tearing her hair in despair. How was she supposed to fix this? The look of betrayal in your eyes had burned into her brain, making her believe that the only way to gain back your trust was by building a time machine. As the sun began to rise, however, also the darkness inside of her started to fade and very slowly, she was able to think rationally again. There was no use in panicking; what was done was done. It was highly unlikely that someone would invent a time machine in time to fix this, so she had to try to clean the mess that she had created herself. Therefore, she called her members as soon as it was a somewhat acceptable time to disturb their morning to ask for their advice. All of them agreed that Shuhua was an idiot and that they would kill her if she didn’t manage to make it up to you. But all of them also agreed that the best way to gain your forgiveness was to talk to you when you were ready. Shuhua wanted to convince them that it would be best to persistently show you her remorse as soon as possible, but no one agreed with that. The members told her to let you set the pace and Shuhua very reluctantly gave in to their advice.

Still, she decided that it wouldn’t harm to ask you today whether you were already willing to talk. Equipped with your favorite snacks and a teddy bear, she drove to your best friend’s place because she was sure that you had sought sanctuary there. She figured that her guess had been right when she could hear agitated whispering behind the door after she had knocked three times. For a moment she was worried that you wouldn’t open the door, because she was able to hear the voices for quite some time, yet no one granted her access. Eventually the door swung open though and Shuhua found herself standing face to face with you.

“What do you want?”

You asked quite unenthusiastically and Shuhua physically felt hit by your words, causing her to take a step back. Never had you sounded so cold before, but she figured that she deserved that.

“I’m here to apologize and ask whether you’re willing to talk about everything with me.”

Shuhua tried to sound confident, but her voice more came out as a whisper. Your piercing gaze didn’t really help with her nervousness either, so instead of giving a great speech, Shuhua simply held out the teddy bear and the snacks to you. For a moment, you eyed the gifts before looking at her again.

“Do you think that can make up for everything?”

Defensively, you crossed your arms and suddenly Shuhua regretted having brought such cheesy gifts.

“No of course not. I just thought it would be rude to show up emptyhanded and I wanted to do something nice for you.”

She mumbled while quickly hiding her hands behind her back. Slowly, her nervousness turned into the anxiety again that she had already felt last night as her thoughts seemingly raced with 300 mph through her mind. She felt completely helpless and could not recall a single tip that her members had given her earlier.

“Didn’t you want to apologize?”

You asked eventually, causing Shuhua to snap her head up to look at you after simply having stared into a void for probably a whole minute. She didn’t know whether she was just imagining things now, but for some reason she felt like your gaze wasn’t quite as stern anymore. Your question didn’t sound snappish either, but more like you wanted to help her to regain her composure. Shuhua didn’t know whether she was persuading herself of those things because she was close to having a nervous breakdown, but either way, it helped. Slowly, her thoughts stopped hopscotching through her mind, and she felt somewhat confident to tell you what she had come here for.

“That’s right. I wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry I am for everything that has happened last night. I was wrong all along. And I can’t even tell you what has gotten into me to slap you. I want you to know that I feel terrible. I-I didn’t mean to hurt you. I-I would never purposely hurt you...I-“

Shuhua hadn’t even noticed that she had started crying until it became more and more difficult to speak and she could suddenly feel a sensation on her arm. To her surprise she realized that you had reached out to squeeze her arm comfortingly and she had never wanted to be pulled into your embrace more than right now.

“I know that it isn’t in your nature to solve things with violence. But you’ve still hurt me yesterday; more emotionally than physically though. And that’s going to take a while to heal.”

You stated and Shuhua nodded understandingly.

“What does that mean for us though?”

She asked, feeling like she would rather have you break up with her than not knowing what the two of you were.

“I think we should take things slow. I don’t want to break up with you, but I feel like we have some things to resolve before going back to where we were. This whole fight yesterday had to stem from somewhere...”

You replied, causing Shuhua to sigh in relief. She wouldn’t mind taking things slow for a while as long as she was still your girlfriend.

“Ok.”

She agreed and for the first time today, you smiled at her.

“Ok then, it’s settled. Go home now and buy some breakfast on your way. You look terrible- no offense. I’ll text you later.”

You chuckled, causing Shuhua to gasp before touching her face and realizing that it was all puffy. Sulkily, she pouted, but your cheeky expression also made her giggle silently. Maybe the two of you weren’t quite where you had left off yet, but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Shuhua knew that she couldn’t let something like last night happen again- neither for your nor for her sake. So she needed some time to get to the bottom of it. Maybe she could even be a better girlfriend in the end and that’s all she really wanted: to make you happier than any other person on the planet.

[fullmetalscullyy]

and A lay B down to nurse their wounds......? 😫🥺🥰

eri my beloved tysm for the request and sending a prompt 🥺💖 ilysm and hope u enjoy some Soft royai!!!

this kind of ended up being a blend of two prompts? this one and feeling cared for one from that prompt list asdffds i hope that's ok but also it's what riza deserves <3

send me a prompt

rated: t | words: 3054 | tags: hurt/comfort, soft royai, tending to wounds, fluff

read on ao3

They are silent once the safehouse is deemed secure. The quiet is deafening as it shrouds them both. It’s almost oppressive as they take stock of what they’d just escaped from and process the fact they’d been in a shootout about an hour ago. The lack of sound is jarring, it’s such a contrast, but there is a comfort in it as well, because they’re okay. They’re safe and they’re together. Now, where there is no one shooting at them, no one chasing them, they can both finally rest and let their guard down. The adrenaline is abating, leaving muscles quivering and allowing breaths to leave their lungs much easier.

The Colonel sits heavily on the couch behind them, letting the cushions catch all of his weight as a long sigh of relief passes over his lips. He lets out a quiet hiss as he hits a sore spot, either on his legs or up his back, but apart from that he’s silent.

Riza feels the tension fizzle out of her shoulders, dragging them both downward slowly, peeling away from her ears, as she finally starts to let herself relax.

They’ve both had a rough few hours, but they made it out. There’s a few bruises and lacerations covering their skin; Riza has one on her left forearm and one on the left of her abdomen, and the Colonel has a small one on his cheek. His lip is burst as well, the result of an unsuspecting punch to the face. She’s sure he sustained more as they fought their way out to safety, but she can’t be sure. There’s no blood pooling on his clothes or saturating any of the fabric of his uniform, so that’s something. That was enough while they fought their way out.

“Lieutenant?” His call for her attention is soft so not to startle her and it’s full of concern.

She turns, wondering what he needs, to see his questioning stare as he watches her still standing in place with her hands clenched by her sides. Her fingers relax automatically, letting go of the tension, but she cannot help the wince as the muscles of her forearm contract, aggravating her injury there.

“Are you all right?”

“Of course, sir.”

He scrutinises her for a moment longer than usual. His eyes narrow slightly as he does so, indicating he doesn’t quite believe her, but she is. He lets it go with a simple nod.

“Sit,” he urges, gesturing to the cushions next to him on the couch. “Please.” He beckons her gently with a tired smile.

The Colonel’s expression mirrors her own, Riza is sure. Exhaustion has settled deep within her bones, and she knows she should stop, that she should sit down and tend to her wounds. With the adrenaline gone her side is throbbing, and both injuries need cleaned and covered as soon as possible. There’s a sharp pain in her oblique muscle as she thinks about her worst one, which makes her twitch and grimace.

“Lieutenant.” He almost breathes her rank. It catches her attention and she’s momentarily taken aback by the look on his face. It’s filled with understanding, and his concern is back. One eyebrow lifts in an enquiry, calling back to his earlier question regarding her wellbeing.

“Honestly, I’m all right,” she assures him. “It’s only a few bumps and bruises.”

The Colonel nods. “Okay. Shall we see to that wound on your side?”

Riza watches as he swallows after speaking. It wasn’t his fault or hers, it was the fault of the man who’d been wielding a knife, but as her commanding officer she knows the Colonel will hoard the responsibility for everything that happened today.

“What about the one on your cheek?” Her counter makes him smile knowingly.

“Mine feels like it’s nothing compared to that,” he replies, nodding towards her torso. His smile dies on his lips as they both look at the patch of blood seeping through her military jacket. Real worry replaces his concern and Riza nods, giving in.

“Come here,” he coaxes, speaking ever so gently.

The mood feels like it has shifted slightly but Riza dismisses it. She’s too tired and sore and will still need to see to his wounds once she’s been taken care of. There are more important things to focus on.

“Sir, I can see to it myself. I don’t mind.” Riza appreciates his offer more than he could know, but she still has to say it. She doesn’t want him to feel obligated to do so.

Realising his gentle command is going ignored, the Colonel stands to join her and slowly reaches out to catch her fingers within his own. He curls them around her digits, but his touch is light. Unrestricting, but tender. His touch is calming and welcome.

“Lieutenant.” His tone is firm, but he’s not ordering her to do anything. It’s placating and an offer. “Let’s clean up that wound. I don’t want you twisting and turning any more than is necessary, given its location, but only if you’re comfortable with that. It’s completely up to you.”

She stares at him, noting the undercurrent of worry but also taking in the care she sees in his eyes. He wants to help her. He wants to look after her, to make sure she’s patched up and all right.

The Colonel does not tug her towards him. He simply holds her hand, his own arm outstretched and waiting, giving her the freedom to pull away if she so wishes. It’s her choice; go to him and accept whatever he is willing to offer or take a step back and away. The Colonel won’t mind if she picks the latter, Riza doesn’t think. He will be mildly disappointed. He’ll probably pout at her childishly, but it will not become an issue between them… The thought of his reaction almost makes her smile fondly. The corners of her lips twitch.

She steps forwards and his smile grows wider as he smoothly guides her towards him by the hand. Before their bodies can collide, he sidesteps and lowers her hand to their sides before turning and taking a cautious step down the hall behind him, waiting for her to follow him.

Even into hell.

Of course, she follows him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“How does that feel?”

“Good.” The bandage around her torso is secure and places enough pressure on her wound. The safehouse is well stocked with plenty of first aid supplies so there’s more than enough for them both.

Riza straightens in her chair at the table in the safehouse’s kitchen. She’d leant forward onto her elbows, being mindful of her injured arm, as the Colonel cleaned up her side. As he did so, she saw to her forearm, both working in tandem to patch her up. It was an arduous affair, but a necessary one. With every wince and flinch she felt him hesitate behind her. Riza could almost feel the sorrow pouring off him, but there was nothing else to be done. He knows that, but it still doesn’t mean that he likes being the cause of it for her.

She shivers as cool air washes over her exposed skin and her side twinges with pain. Reflexively a hand rises to cover the aching area.

“Still sore?”

She nods, and the Colonel sighs quietly. She knows what he’s thinking. He wants to take her pain away.

“It will be okay, sir,” she placates.

He huffs and mumbles to himself, not satisfied, which causes Riza to roll her eyes fondly at his antics.

Before she can move any further, something is draped over her shoulders. She had to remove her shirt for the Colonel to work on her properly, so she’d been left in just her sports bra, but looking down she sees the Colonel’s black overcoat covering her. She knows it’s his because she’s suddenly shrouded in the smell of him.

It makes her smile. Riza leans back in her chair and tugs the article of clothing tighter around her body, relishing in the warmth it provides and the comfort it brings, alongside the thoughtfulness of his gesture. She shoots him a grateful smile, but he doesn’t notice. He’s too focussed cleaning up after his work. Riza watches him, taking in the look of concentration on his handsome features as he carefully collects the soiled bandages and wipes. When he senses eyes on him, the Colonel glances up and looks at her so expectantly – it’s almost innocent – before his expression changes and turns perplexed.

It reminds her of the boy she grew up with. Before war and guilt and unspeakable atrocities.

“What is it?” There’s a smile tugging at his lips, and she discovers its contagious.

“Nothing,” she replies, schooling her expression and readjusting his coat.

“Is anything wrong?”

“No,” she replies. “There’s nothing wrong at all. Thank you for your coat.”

His smile is bright and pleased. “Of course, Lieutenant. You’re welcome.”

After the waste is disposed of the Colonel wipes carefully at his cheek and lip. The alcohol smarts and he hisses in pain and flinches away from it, but still powers on through. It’s a quick job, only taking about five minutes, and once he’s done, he rummages around inside the first aid kit once more.

“I could have helped you with that,” Riza offers. As she sits up in her chair she flinches as the movement jostles her side.

“And that’s precisely why I did it myself,” he chuckles quietly, eyeing her above the mirror he had propped up on the table between them. It had been fascinating to watch him work. “Here.” A small white bottle is offered to her. Painkillers. “These will help with your pain, apparently.”

“Thank you. Is there any ice for your bruises?”

The Colonel nods and collects it from the freezer. It’s pressed to his cheek, and he grumbles about the cold.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

While the safehouse is well equipped and the perfect spot for them, they are both presented with a small issue when night falls.

Both stare at the single bed in the bedroom.

The Colonel scratches the back of his neck and fidgets on the spot, shifting his weight from one foot to the other once, then twice. Riza exhales slowly and quietly, resigning herself to their sleeping arrangements. She grips his coat tighter, so it doesn’t fall off her shoulders.

Riza could have changed into a t-shirt but she can’t quite let go of his coat just yet. The Colonel doesn’t comment on it either. He doesn’t question her choice and seems more than happy to allow her to keep it for the time being.

“I…” The Colonel clears his throat quietly. “I can take the couch.”

As he turns away Riza’s hand reaches out. She grips onto his shirt, halting him. He looks down at her hand, before his eyes jerk back up to meet hers. He knows what she’s asking of him already, but he still hesitates. He still waits for her to voice it aloud.

Like the courtesy he’d offered her earlier, he can move away if he wishes to. Her grip isn’t tight or restrictive, yet he doesn’t pull away. She doesn’t expect him to stay with her but…

She wants him to.

“What do you need, Lieutenant?” His prompt comes after they’ve been standing in silence for a beat longer than he expected.

She looks up at him, gripping onto his coat.

“You.”

The bed is a tight squeeze, but they manage. The military wouldn’t splash out for a large double bed for their officers. In all honesty, Riza is surprised there’s even a proper bed, and not just a cot. But she supposes it would have kept up appearances when they moved equipment into the neighbourhood.

Riza is pressed with her back to the wall while the Colonel faces her –

It feels wrong to refer to him as such in their current position. The mission is over. They’re laying low and off duty while the heat clears from them both after their escape. They’re not Lieutenant and Colonel right now…

She snakes her injured arm underneath his, reaching across his torso, and spreads her fingers across his lower back. Their bodies are pressed even closer together – she can feel the heat radiating off of him (which makes her smile to herself) – but he’s secure. She wants to ensure he won’t fall backwards off the bed in sleep.

“Are you comfortable?” His breath washes over Riza and her eyes flutter closed at the pleasant feeling. His voice is so low that it causes her to relax instantly. It’s such a pleasing sound as she lies there, pressed up against him.

She hums her approval. Riza tips her head forwards, causing it to brush against his chin and throat as she burrows even deeper into the warmth between them. The painkillers are kicking in and making her drowsy.

“Good.”

Her sleepy grin is hidden when she feels lips on the top of her head, but she makes a soft, pleased sound as he kisses her. When his hand runs through her short hair she’s almost lost to sleep completely.

“As much as it pains me to see you with those injuries, it has worked out quite well for us.” He laughs, but there’s a nervous edge to it.

A frown tugs at her brow as confusion becomes prominent. “What do you mean?”

“It makes us the perfect fit,” he murmurs after a brief pause.

He’s right. Lying on his uninjured side leaves him in the perfect position to lie facing her, and Riza lying on hers leaves her able to curl into him.

“So, getting punched in the face was your plan all along? So you could cuddle me in bed at night?”

His laughter is full of joy at her joke. “Anything for you, Lieutenant,” he winks, “you know that.” His arm wraps around her shoulders and back, pulling her tighter against him.

“How’s your cheek,” she mumbles tiredly. She can no longer bring herself to keep her eyes open. She blames the comfort and care he always brings her so effortlessly.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry, Lieutenant.”

“Riza.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Pardon?”

“Riza,” she breathes.

She cannot remember who crossed the line first tonight – perhaps they both did, but it is completely muddled within her memory. She doesn’t want it there between them. Not now, when she’s so comfortable and feels so cared for. Not when Roy’s fingers are combing through her hair, and she can hear his heartbeat close to her ear and feel his pulse thrum underneath her touch.

“Of course, Riza.” He grants her request so easily and quietly as he presses another kiss to the top of her head. Riza can practically hear the pleased smile that she knows must be on his face. Roy joins her on the other side of the line willingly and without hesitation. He only wanted to make sure he heard her correctly.

“I’ll always worry about you,” she adds. She curls closer into his chest and holds onto his lower back even tighter. Her fingertips increase their pressure there.

“I’m okay,” he soothes, his voice a hum underneath her ear. “You fared far worse than me.”

Riza tips her head back, exiting the cocoon of warmth they’d made between them. Blearily, she blinks up at him and notices the strained look on his face. The arm holding onto his back moves slowly and she brings it up to cup his cheek. Her thumb caresses his cheekbone, close to underneath his eye, and Roy’s eyelids flutter closed, seemingly of their own accord. That makes her smile and leaves Riza feeling pleased with herself. She can do that to him, offer that feeling to him, like he does to her.

Roy’s head turns and she grants him the space to move. With it, he presses a kiss against her palm.

“I’ll always worry about you too,” Roy admits. His fingers ghost over the bandage on her arm. Even though his touch is barely there it still tickles her skin, lifts the hairs on her arms, and makes the base of her neck tingle.

She shivers.

Roy lowers his hand to the space between them. The muscles of her stomach become painfully aware of his hand’s proximity and start to tingle. It becomes too much and Riza has to move forward, closer to him and his hand, to rid herself of the pleasant, but overwhelming feeling. The back of his hand is now pressed against the bare flesh of her abdomen.

“We have to lay low tomorrow as well.”

Riza nods in agreement. That was their orders, after all.

“We have to rest,” he stresses, and she catches onto his meaning, “to let ourselves heal.”

She smirks up at him, knowing exactly what it is he’s proposing. He was always a crafty one.

Not moving far from this bed and nursing their wounds together sounded like a wonderful plan to Riza.

Roy runs a hand up her arm to her shoulder, the backs of his fingers trailing along her skin and igniting a trail of fire beneath them, then back down again. “If the military had provided us with the appropriate facilities, like, say, a bed each, we would be able to do it apart and by ourselves. But,” he sighs heavily, exaggerating the sound, “since the military didn’t, we must make do with what we have.”

“What a shame,” Riza smiles tiredly.

“You’re stuck with me, Riza,” he chuckles. “Sorry.”

“Darn.”

“Blame the military.”

“Don’t worry, I will. They’ll receive a stern letter about the lack of facilities provided inside their safehouses from me tomorrow.” Riza yawns loudly towards the end of her sentence but Roy is already laughing. “Or maybe it will get lost in the post.” She’s pretty sure her speech is incoherent at that point. Roy’s affection has almost lulled her completely to sleep.

“Sleep well, my Queen.” He presses his lips to her forehead. “Let me know if you need any more painkillers.”

“I will,” she mumbles tiredly. “Sleep well, Roy. Thank you,” she breathes happily.

Wrapped up in his arms, clinging onto Roy tightly, Riza falls asleep feeling completely safe and cared for, and at peace.

[asscrackcreed]

For the headcanon thing: I'm not all the way done Rogue yet, so I could be wrong, but I have a feeling Shay never fully bought into Templar ideology. By outward appearances/records that made it into the database, sure, but anytime ideology comes up he gets a look on his face like he's just a touch skeptical. It would make sense, too, given it's established early on he questions things and that he feels responsible for backing the "wrong side" and aiding in what happened in Lisbon. If he didn't trust another ideology so easily after, even as he actively worked toward and for it, it would still be narratively consistent.

I haven't played rogue - my pc isn't good enough for it 😭💀

mcs - main characters

But i don't think any of the main characters are fully immersed into their ideologies, most are assassins just purely because they believe in freedom and so does shay but shay felt betrayed by the assassins and then goes over to the other side (again i haven't played rogue but) it's sort of a plot hole because if shay wants people to be safe then why would he go to the templars? who are known for unnecessary kills and yk... not really having the people's safety in mind quite so much... the templars are mainly aiming for power which clearly doesn't really align with shay's beliefs. but anyways i think with shay, you're right he does question everything and i think it's more of a case of his guilt taking control of him - like he wants to undo what happened in lisbon, obviously he cant so by going against the assassins it's the closest he can do to 'make up for it'.

THIS GOT LONG LMAO - tl;dr - this isn't a headcanon this is unironically canon

back to my first statement of none of the mcs believing their ideologies, we see this right from the beginning. Altaïr basically rewrote the ENTIRE creed because he realised that the assassins needed improvement, that the ideology of the creed needed to be altered. true love was not a weakness like Al-Mualim thought, it was in fact a driving factor in helping the assassins, what made Al-Mualim's betrayal more heart breaking was his greediness for power - just like a templar. he even says to al-mualim 'how could I regret the only life i've ever known?' he doesn't know anything else other than assassins vs templars because he was born into it and so by becoming the leader of the levantine brotherhood he automatically changed the creed to make it better, and actually end up returning its ideology back to the hidden ones - that's why he was so revolutionary because he improved it all with his codex, he'd only do that if he thought the creed wasn't truly good enough in the first place. i mean his ENTIRE FUCKING STORY IS ABOUT QUESTIONING THE CREED...

every mc assassin has broken a rule of the creed, maybe not specifically with it's 3 doctrines but in someway they did smth different for a better outcome, and we've all seen side characters go 'but that's not the way of the creed !!! we can't do that !!!' and the mc is like 'yeah go fuck urself'. i'd say connor is the most explicit when it comes to that because he was never in the fight in the first place, his whole aim was to kill charles lee/get revenge on the people who attacked his village - but even when he becomes a proper assassin, he still shows obvious signs he doesn't care for it - the most explicit time this happens (as far as I can remember off the top of my head) is in liberations when connor and aveline meet and she says 'connor, are you always certain of the means and the ways of the brotherhood' and connors like 'i... trust my own hands.' he clearly doesn't believe in the assassins entirely and aveline already had doubts, only to be confirmed by connor.

both jacob and evie continuously went against orders from higher ups (the biggest example of this - going to london to liberate it after they were told not to). ezio literally says not to follow him because you're meant to find your own path. and have you seen how TIRED he is by the end, especially in embers he wants nothing to do with the creed anymore, he was so tired of fighting for smth that was beyond him and for smth he would never get to see. he does obviously believe in the creed more than some but i believe that after ac2 and throughout ac3 and acr, the creed became more and more 'corrupted', moving away from liberated thinking to just fighting the templars because they're evil. bayek and aya made the hidden ones to defend people, but even with altaïr's codex, we end up with less of an ideology and more of a movement. and i think just the fact that by the end, most of these assassins are just tired of this fight. a lot of them end up giving this feeling of 'i've had enough - i'm so tired' because they've spent their whole lives fighting and more people will just carry on fighting. and when that realisation hits, most of them have to fight to move on like ezio.

if you've read the wiki, you'll know that the ideology of liberated thinking and free will comes from adam and eve themselves, having fought against the isu to retain that. and i wouldn't say thats disappeared, i mean it is a reoccurring theme, but all the mcs of the games have this 'sudden realisation' of what the creed is trying to be and what it fails to be. the line between 'fighting for liberation' and 'stopping the templars' becomes blurred, and with that the creed becomes distorted, which a lot of the mcs knew which is why they never would 100% believe in the ideologies of whichever organisation they're with. and shay knew that. shay was just the only one to defect because the creed fucked up big time. ironically, despite liberation being the key word in all of this, once you're in this war, you can't escape it.