#guest starring the duke of dalmatia

[armagnac-army]

LANNES, SOULT TURNED INTO A KITTY CAT HE CAN NOW BE HEAD-PATTED IVE TRIED SUCCESSFULLY

BONJOURMONSIEURKITTYYOUAREVERYSOFTANDCUDDLYDOYOUHAVEAFAMILYWHATISITLIKEBEINGACAT

🐱: MIAO. *

*Translator’s note: “What is happening. What is this kitten doing.”

[armagnac-army]

Hmmph. Understandable, have a nice day.

DMAN RIGHT IM SEXY

Marry, fuck, guillotine: Lannes, Duroc, Soult

Marry Duroc because he's a very sweet and lovely man.

Fuck Lannes because he's sexy.

Guillotine Soult because... sorry Soult but I don't love you as much as I love the others

[le-brave-des-braves]

The card is completely black, but the words are written in an elegant shimmering ink. It is very cold to the touch, and signed with the seal of the Duke of Dalmatia. It simply reads:

What a҉ v̧èŗy ͞e̸nteŕt̛aining tưrn̡ of event͡s. My cond͟olenc̡es.͡ — ̣̳̙̼̟̹͓͎̟̭͈̠̤͍͝Rò̢į̴̵̖͖̘̘̩̣͈̰̞̪͍͈͈ ͏̴͈͓̮͜Ni̩͙̹͎̤͙c̡͓̘̘͖̪̥̮͖̣͖͔͠o̵͓̙̳̘͈̰͍̘l̶̹̗͘a͈̱̤̟̩̻͇͚̖͓̘͓ş̯̮͖͙̕

That idiot! First he wants to make peace and now he is mocking me?! Stupid motherf…

Aglaé: Language, mon amour.

…I’m sorry. I hope the boys didn’t hear it.

Aloys: Daddy wanted to say motherfucker!

Eugène: Daaad, what is a motherfucker?

Aglaé: …see?

[armagnac-army]

😴

Tell me about your dreams about soult

Send 😴 for a dream my muse has had about yours

————————

Soult (@murillo-enthusiast): Yes, do tell the class, Marshal.

I DREAMT YOU WERE STUCK IN A STUPID BIG CASTLE TIED TO A STUPID GOLD CHAIR AND I WAS LAUGHING AT YOU

Soult: ...

I ALSO HAD ANOTHER DREAMT THAT YOU MARRIED NEY-

Soult: ... Never tell me about your dreams ever again.

————————

[armagnac-army]

SOULT

What.

I NEED A WEEDING CAKE

Hmmph. Might I ask why?

IM GETTING MARRIED TO BESSIÈRES TO SHOW HIS STUPID FACE WHO CAN BE THE BEST HUSBAND

… I refuse to be involved in this nonsense. I thought Marshal Bessières was a more sensible man than that.

WELL HAVE A SHITTY STORE BOIGHT CAKE AND ITLL BE YOUR FAULT

Fine. It will be the finest cake you have ever eaten.

IT BETTER BE

And might I ask, what does our mutual colleague think of this?

Did you call me..?

IM MARRYING YOU

Before this becomes an amusing comedy of errors, he means that other facet of you that is not currently married to Duroc.

I… am at a loss for words.

YOU BETTER BE

A final question. Who is going to officiate this sham marriage of yours?

NO FUCKING CLUE DO YOU WANT TO DO IT

I am not authorised to conduct marriages, I must regretfully inform you.

BUT THEY AUTHORISE YOU TO CONDUCT CAKE

You do not need a license to “conduct cake”.

THEY SHOULD

If… I am not needed here anymore, I will take my leave to go and drown my sorrows while questioning my life choices.

MAYBE YOU CAN OFFICIATE THE WEDDING

I am not authorised either, Montebello.

WHO FUCKING CARES

Many people would prefer you not make a mockery of a sacred institution.

The conversation proceeded to go nowhere good.

[armagnac-army]

WE DECIDED TO SHAER THE COATE

Do not ask.

[armagnac-army]

This is quite a warm coat, I must admit.

Rather large shoulders, however.

HEY

MY COAT NOW

Hmmph.

I'll be taking that back.

...

I do not need this anymore.

I have the Heights to take.

[armagnac-army]

🥠

It's been a while since Lannes ate suspicious baked goods from anonymous messages. So he stares at it for a little bit before watching Soult eat his, and satisfied that Soult is not tripping balls, Lannes proceeds to eat the little biscuit, paper and all.

delicious!

Soult: ... Did you eat the message too.

WHAT MESSAGE

[armagnac-army]

[ @askgeraudduroc / @your-dandy-king, @bayard-de-la-garde, and the one that lives at @rapports-de-combat ]

Soult: Bon anniversaire, Messieurs Bessières, Bessières et Bessières.

Lannes: WHY ARE THERE SO FUCKING MANY OF THEM

Bessières: I... would think that the more pressing question is why you decided marrying one of us was a good idea...

Lannes: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT WAS A GREAT IDEA I HAVENT DUELLED HIM YET!!!

Soult: I have baked a "birthday cake" for the three of you to share, with strawberries and vanilla cream. Please, enjoy, mes amis.

Bessières: Thank you, Marshal Soult.

Lannes: WHY DIDNT YOU BAKE THREE CAKES

Bessières: I am hardly deserving of a cake all to myself, in honesty. It is better to share such things.

Soult: Exactly.

Lannes: FUCKING CHEAPSKATES

[armagnac-army]

*yet another knock on the door. This time, it’s larrey.*

Hello, where’s Lannes?

Baron Larrey.

*Soult nods. He’s not a fan of Larrey but he’s even less of a fan of letting Lannes out into the world unchecked. He gestures to Lannes.*

…

DOCTOR LARREY

MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WJILE WIDE WORLD MY MAN

GOOD SIR

I MAY HAVE HAD A WHOLE BOX OF DRUGGED COCOA CAKES AND APPARENTKY SCTED LIKE JUNOT ALL NIGHT BUT I DONT REMEMBER ANY OF THAT SHIT ABD IM FINE NOW

SO

PLEASE

TELL THESE FUCKERS TO UNHAND ME

[armagnac-army]

Normally I would choose not to mingle with the chaotic events that you, gentlemen, apparently have decided to fill your afterlife with. But in this case, the offence I have suffered forces me to abandon my restraint. How is it possible that I, the head of the Bonaparte family, am not even listed on the ballot for most popular member of the Bonaparte and Beauharnais family? (And why are the Beauharnais even there, really?)

But wait, why am I even asking? Is it not obvious? Can anybody not see in this disregard for my person the hand of the same man who caused all my misfortune in Spain, who never accepted my authority and the refined judgement of a soul more leevated than his? Without any doubt your colleague Marshal Soult has used his influence with you to inflict this insult on me. I shall forgive you, Monsieur le Maréchal Duc de Montebello, but not him.

I remain, Monsieur le Duc,

Joseph Bonaparte, Comte de Survilliers (but formerly King Giuseppe of Naples and José of Spain - tell him I was a real king! I was!)

I COULD HAVE SWORN THAT YOU WERE ON THE GODDAMN BALLOT!!

Soult: Of course he would immediately blame me, before reaching for any other conclusion! Though he is not a king, he speaks unjustly as one, and falsely claims himself to be the head; I myself have seen his ingratitude towards his family, and I myself was forced to advise him against displaying such callous disloyalty. It is for this reason that he simply does not belong on this ballot-

WHO WAS IT WHO SAID THAT TAMPERING WITH THE BALLOT WAS NOT CONDONED BY US HMMMM?!?!?

Soult: Tch, you did not live long enough to deal with this ingrate.

ANYWAY IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THE BALLOT JOSEPH I SUGGEST A CAGE MATCH WITH EITHER YOUR BROTHERS OR WITH SOULT

Soult: Excuse me?

WE WANT BLOOD!!!!

[armagnac-army]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN OTHER METHODS

Soult: ... I never would have thought that General Duroc would come across as... threatening. Even if mildly so.

ITS LIKE BEING MENACED BY JOSEPHINES DOG

@murillo-enthusiast: General Duroc. Your messages are coming across as rather peculiar. Are you alright?

@armagnac-army: DOES HE LOOK FUCKING ALRIGHT TO YOU I THINK WE SHOULD STAY AWAY HE MIGHT BITE US

In fact, he didn't looked right at all, since "seeing red" is being taken very literally. His eyes were red now.

Yet, he smiles in a worrying way.

Oh dear Soult, always so thoughtful ~ ! Worry not, I feel completely fine! So full of energy, to take CARE of all of our beloved companions!

And Oh dear Lannes!! How can you believe I could ever bite you? Nonono ~ !

I would resort to OTHER methods...

[armagnac-army]

((replies to this post, via @chickenmadam as Masséna and @neylo as Ney, with of course this blog as Lannes and murillo-enthusiast as Soult))

DUEL AVERTED

BOTH SOULT AND NEY AGREE ON SOMETHING!!!!!

Duels are a nonsensical business anyway, but just because Marshal Ney and myself are in agreement as to this one matter does not mean all disagreements are settled!

SO YOURE UP FOR THE MASSENA TICKETED NAKED WRESTLING EVENT THEN

Absolutely not.

[armagnac-army]

creatures of the night..?

HA! YOU LEFT SOME BLOOD ON YOUR LITTLE TEETH!

Hmmph. You are hardly the image of cleanliness yourself.

[armagnac-army]

QUICK SOULT STRIKE A POSE LIKE ONE THOSE MADDONAS IN THEM PAINTINGS

*deep, deep sigh*

I know what this is referring to.

…

Must I.

YES!!!

Fine. Ahem.

Magnificent Marshal Sentinel Strategist here to bring order to the chaos!

...

I am leaving now.

...

DEVIL KING NICOLAS

[armagnac-army]

YOUR STILL WELCOME TO HANG OUT IN MY CORRESPONDANCE!

I suspect if I do not, you will misrepresent me to your correspondents.

ITS NOT MSIREPRESENTATION IF ITS THE TRUTH THAT YOUR AN ASSHOLE

*you're.

… Bonjour. This is Marshal-General Jean-de-Dieu Soult, though I do seem to be incarnated as I was when I served the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte. Do not ask about my allegiances.

My colleague Marshal Lannes has hosted some correspondence for me at @armagnac-army. I suspect I will primarily respond to queries through that channel, but this is another channel through which I may be contacted.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have paperwork to attend to. Any queries can be addressed to the “ask box”, and my aides-de-camp will redirect them to me - if they are not drunk again.

(( This is yet another joke RP ask blog by @cadmusfly, because Soult keeps hanging out on Lannes’ blog and I figured he should probably have his own space!

Again, this is not meant to be a faithful, accurate or analytical depiction of Jean-de-Dieu Soult, this is a parodic exaggerated fictionalised version of him. This is also primarily focusing on his life before he returned to France after being exiled after Waterloo, though if you want to ask about idk the French Foreign Legion I’ll try to poorly cobble something together!

Feel free to ask him stuff through the ask box! ))