#guest starring karlach's hands

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Rating BG3 Ladies Stroke Game

My brain won't let me write my fics so have this shit instead.

Ratings based on vibes and also facts opinions (controversial: not everyone can be a sex god)

all the main and supporting women + my background babes: Florrick, Talli, Alfira, Lakrissa, Araj, Nocturne, Skoona, Adrielle, Z'rell, (ETA:) Nine-Fingers, and special guest star Philomeen

*Anyone can be trans and straps are for everyone regardless, so take your pic on homegrown vs store-bought and/or magical strap*

*Also sex is like pizza, so average results are in fact still pretty good. Only 2, 1, and 0/10 are truly trash dick. So a 5 or 6 is still a compliment!*

Lae'zel: 10/10. She pulls hair, she spanks ass. She has the experience, the athleticism, the drive, the romantic heart. Also the greatest switch to ever live as a simultaneous 10/10 bottom.

Shadowheart: 5/10. Her experience is mostly hand/mouth activities due to lack of privacy/places to hide supplies or apparati in the cloister. She has better ways of making a lover fall apart, but her stroke game is perfectly serviceable.

Karlach: 6/10. LISTEN. I see the vision as a tongue god, but she needs some work to hone her stroke game (too eager = painful, and a possible classic Bigger Is Always Better fallacy waiting to happen), and like SH, she's also not very experienced. She can and will ascend the ranks, but give her a minute to get there!!

Minthara: 10/10. We all know this. She has like 200 years of experience as well as the drive, focus, precision, athleticism, and heart. She gets RESULTS, but also is surprisingly emotionally available, so she covers all the physical, emotional, and psychological bases.

Jaheira: 4/10. Not her favorite, or her forte. CAN she strap? Yes, and it's satisfying, but nothing to write home about. A queen of the accessibility strap (thigh/hand harness GOATed... iykyk) due to her knees/lumbar hurting.

Isobel: 5/10. Perfectly serviceable, likes to tease, knows the technique and executes it well. However, being 5'2" with lung issues holds her back when it comes to higher intensity activities. Also an accessibility harness queen.

Aylin: 12/10. Has been at it since before anyone else on this list was even born. Once she connects emotionally to her partner, there's no going back to anyone else. Perfect balance of brutality and gentleness; she knows how to use her weight, and her aftercare is literal god tier.

Mizora: 0/10. Would probably be pretty good if she deigned to do it, but let's be so for real, pup!

Orin: ??/10. Either a 0 or a 10, no inbetween. A freak bitch for the daring sort who are willing to gamble on what she meant when she said she wanted to 'get all up in your guts'.

Florrick: 3/10. A perfect example of how a dominant personality doesn't always translate to an ability to top. Will do it, but focuses too much on technique and zones out and starts thinking about work. Definitely would rather be on the bottom being ridden VS putting the stroke effort in herself.

Talli: 7/10. A humble, ego-free, service top for all who enjoy a gentler lover. Hesitant to get too rough or nasty with it; she's got that +3 STR and she knows how to use it, but she doesn't want to hurt or disrespect her sweetie!

Alfira: 1/10. Sweet Alfie has many good and sexy qualities but she is never taking anyone to pound town ever. She will do it, and it might be fun and playful, but never "good" by any objective measure. Absolute demon on a slower, more sensual grind, but anything approaching "stroke game"? You're barking up the wrong tree.

Lakrissa: 10/10. Technically an 8 but gets 2 bonus points for being a random girl off the streets and not an alien, centuries-old elf, or demigod. Great dick does walk among us mortals!! She's athletic, she's flirty, she's fun, she's a known giver. She will work extra shifts at her bitch ass job to buy you a house, she will smash you through the floor of said house, she will fix the floor. The total package!

Araj: 4/10. Wears some kind of weird strap regardless of her own equipment because she loves the flair and drama of it, but isn't particularly skilled. Gets distracted. Bad top etiquette. Never shuts up. Still, she gets the job done.

Nocturne: 6/10. Like Shadowheart, her experience is limited by the lack of opportunity in the cloister; but as quartermaster, she would have a greater ability to obtain and hide supplies/equipment, so potentially more experience. Also, maybe as an officer, she was involved in more prestigious orgies?

Skoona: 7/10. Would rather be on the bottom getting pampered, but is an above average top due to always being expected to top. Also a very tender lover (not necessarily "stroke game").

Adrielle: 8/10. She has no choice but to break backs because otherwise, the weight of expectations she places on her own shoulders would break hers. Meticulous. Thorough. Is she enjoying herself? She doesn't know the meaning of the word, but being of service makes her feel whole, and that's what matters, RIGHT?

Z'rell: You Can't Handle It/10. Don't worry about it, maggot. It's not for YOU.

Nine-Fingers: 10/10. Your fingers will quake such that you sign over the deed to your house in her name and you won't even be mad about it. She knows how to work People- what makes them tick. What makes them BOOM. An unforgettable experience.

Philomeen: 20/10. It's the toxicity, I fear. If she can and will blow you up, she can and will blow your back out. It's science. It doesn't matter if she's 1/3 your size, she is FUCKING. You WILL hate yourself after.

[papastarion]

Papastarion Headcanons Pt. 3

Uh-oh! She’s at it again! (But you’re here, too, so what does that say about you, hm? 😂) This one feels very long and just as indulgent as all the others, so strap in.

•Their kids as a collective are affectionately known as “the Brood.”

•In my canon, they have four boys and one girl by the time they’re finished having children, on top of their two adopted daughters. So far, I’ve named three of the boys. In order: Nero, Eldritch (“El”), and Apolinary (“Arry”), Their last biological child is their third daughter: Phaedra (“Phae.”) I’ve got one more boy left to name, but I’m being indecisive. :)

•Naming the kids is a group effort. They’ll take input from literally anyone. Astarion even asked Petras once. (Never again.) They didn’t think they’d make it this far, they didn’t discuss baby names or dream them up before there were babies to be named. Thea’s wanted kids her whole life, assumed she would never get the chance, and never once had a single name ready to go just in case. She thought it would come to her when the time came. (Spoilers, babe: it did not.)

•Gale is not allowed participating in any naming discussions after suggesting Telemachus for their first child. He considers this a fair point in hindsight. He gets to keep his uncle privileges, though, and he loves all his honorary nieces and nephews just as much as the other members of their little troupe do.

•Karlach (once her engine’s fixed) thinks they should all be named Karlach. When it seems impossible to agree on a name or come up with one at all, it is very tempting.

•Astarion and Thea didn’t expect it to be possible to have any biological children, but once they adopt the girls, and then when Nero comes along, they both discuss what they would like their family to look like. Astarion strikes me as an only child, and Thea came from a very messed up family dynamic (Bhaal aside), and they mutually agree they wouldn’t mind having a bigger family, if it works out. (“Your eyes? My hair? Our genetics would be lethal, love.”)

•For all the hassle, they always manage to land on the perfect name, in Astarion’s very unhumble opinion. And for all the hassle, too, he wouldn’t trade those nights where Thea can’t sleep because she’s thinking too much or can’t get comfortable where they’ll nestle up together and talk over their options while feeling this poor person they can’t name move around.

•They didn’t want to name their kids after anyone, either. There are precious few people between them who deserve that honor, and they mutually agree it feels right to give their children names unencumbered by any legacy.

•Astarion’s parents are very much alive in my mind. For personal context: his father is a high elf and his mother is a wood elf, bit of a star-crossed thing going on with their backgrounds. His father is a highly-esteemed magistrate named Gildersleeve but he goes by Sly, his mother is a woman named Orianna who loves nothing more than playing high society while the nobility of Baldur’s Gate are scandalized by her. After Astarion’s death, they both became very withdrawn from social activity, though Sly continued his council duties. They never thought they would know what happened to their son after his murder, let alone that he would come home to them again, married, and that they would be grandparents in the not too distant future.

•They dote on their grandchildren, adopted and blood alike. There’s no difference to them. More than once, Sly has walked into a day of legal work with a six month old dhampir on his hips because Thea and Astarion needed a babysitter, and what’s he going to do? Not spend time with one of his grandkids? Not Gildersleeve.

•Astarion has learned how to do hair over the course of his life and unlife. He would do his sisters’ after Cazador’s torment left their hands shaking and unable to properly finesse their braids back into place before entertaining a new guest. He picked up even more styles from Thea and their first adopted daughter along their little tadpole adventure. So, of course, he helps take care of his kiddos hair, too. There are full on (affectionate) fights about who can do it the best.

•Obviously not one for rules or social standards, Astarion is absolutely there for each labor and delivery. He doesn’t like seeing Thea in pain (anymore), but her discomfort outweighs his own. He and Thea are partners, equals in all things. The very least he can do for her is be by her side, if she wants him there (and she absolutely does), and the rest of the world can be damned. It’s a stupid “rule,” in his opinion, anyway.

•He watches all five kids come into this world he had a small hand in saving, and he’s grateful everyday that some trick of fate found him deserving of such an honor. He’ll always have his scars and his nightmares, but every last night spend under Cazador’s thumb is a little more distant any time he holds little Nero, and when he gets to teach El how to read, and when Mina laughs, when Thea asks for his hand so he can feel one kick. They’re all priceless to him, worth every terrible night.

•On a lighter note to end this one: Astarion is the one who patches up any clothes that get torn in the throes of playing (or teething.) He likes to put little inscriptions in hems for the kids to find, because he’s turned into a sentimental and mushy fool, and he doesn’t mind a bit.

[lagncx]

Ch:2 (poetic title🫵🏽)

Please work tumblr please please please!!!

————

Karlach tied you up against a tree not too far from camp, Astarion stood by her and watched “Karlach, darling not too tight.” he said it came out more as a plea than a suggestion “Listen Astarion, they're fine and secured. Why do you even care?” Astarion opened his mouth but was interrupted “No wrong question, how do you know them?” He stayed silent. “You got some talking to do star.” Karlach walked towards the camp to where Gale was being tended to by Shadowheart. The others were all around the fire and eyes went on Astarion as he sat in between Wyll and Tav. It was only a few minutes till Karlach and the others joined.

  It was a long silence till Halsin leaned forward “Before we ask anything we must know what our next course of action will be if they attack again. The day we’re safe but at night we’re sitting ducks.” Halsin looked around Gale sighed “Well…” he rubbed his face in exhaustion “we could use daylight to enchant our torches and put them around and maybe some mines in the more dense shadow area” Tav nodded “Now that we have well what seemed like their leader maybe they won’t be so brave.” Tav pushed their shoe into the dirt watching the dirt push forward with the force. Wyll cut the planning short “Astarion.” He said sternly “I pulled this off our new guest” he put a ring in astarions hand which made him scoff “What a nice gift Wyll I adore shiny things.” Astarion went to put it on but the pad of his pinky felt cuts in the metal like it was engraved with something “You feel it don’t you?” Wyll said everyone watched Astarion blinked and looked at the ring reading it Wyll spoke as he read “That ring is made from the purest materials and dedicated to the phoenix family, an unstoppable family of monk soldiers in Baldurs gate.” Gale raised his hand “Didn't they die out a century ago? My mother used to tell us tales about the family, saying that if we were to meet one and pray to them we would get special guardians.” Wyll nodded “Exactly so if they were all confirmed to be wiped out. Why would one of them still be here and be a spawn to Cazador?” Though Wyll knew the answer Karlach looked at everyone “Astarion knows them. So, Astarion?” Astarion just glared at the campfire. Tav rubbed his shoulder “We just wanna know how you know them…I won’t force you but we need to be together on this. Remember…friends?” Astarion looked at Tav nodding 

  “I just thought Cazador was being cocky…why would he make me hunt down some big-time Royal…”

    Another body grab for Cazador was simple; of course, he sent his most trusted spawn, Astarion. Cazador decided to give him a challenge. Lure and seduce the owner of this home which in his favor was accessible since there was a huge party.

  The manor was huge and filled with a crowd. People were dancing and colors of clothes mixed in an ocean into a current and he smiled enjoying this moment. He hummed sitting himself in between a gossiping pair and a couple who were kissing loudly to his left he relaxed listening to the gossip 

  “I heard the person who earns this place is very handsome!” His ears twitched and he smiled in his cup, handsome? 

    He’d have to see This charmer. Astarion with his honey-sweet voice looked at the woman who was giggling with her friend “Sorry for my eavesdropping pretty one but, will the owner be making an appearance tonight?” He hummed in curiosity and the girl blushed “Well, we were told he would be but it’s impossible to know!” she smiled kindly at him and he returned and sat back in his seat keeping an eye out for someone who looked important. It didn't take long before people started to part ways for a certain someone to come through, you.  Your smile was wide all teeth shining, perfect. You must've been the one Cazador sent Astarion into the dead of night to snatch up. Astarion saw how you shook everyone's hand and showed genuine concern when people would vent or complain practically biting your ear off. Astarion started to sail through the crowd, almost losing sight of you several times until he clumsily bumped into your side. “Are you alright?” he looked up and saw you feeling your hand holding him stable against the bustling of people around the both of you. Feeling the uncomfiness radiating off you he placed his hand over yours that held his shoulder “Just dizzy oh my… can we go get some fresh air if you’d like?” He smiled and you just nodded your face soft, trusting. Perfect.

  You lead the way knowing this home, of course, you open doors leading you both to the balcony stars in the sky and music in the distance are very very faded leaving a calming balance of nature and music when you both lean against the balcony “God, sometimes people can suck the life out of you huh?” you chuckled and Astarion looked at you smiling. However, his thoughts were plagued with how you'd be in for a surprise and how he would proceed before your voice probed his thoughts. “I almost forgot how to just enjoy this.” You smiled at him

    “Enjoy what?” he tilted his head looking at how you turned your head to the grass and the overview of the city and the stars, the outside, the world. 

     “That” Astarion looked out the same way he saw a prison a place that he once loved turned against his will to a hunting ground returning his find to the king that would punish him if he didn't or even just for fun. “It's the sounds I guess, the way the lights of homes flicker and reflect the stars in the sky the sound of leaves rustling just to be away from the loudness.” He watched as you turned to him and the way you laughed shyly “Sorry I sound like an idiot.” you apologized and Astarion snaked a hand into your open one “No it's okay, I like the poetic ones.” he purred “Excuse me?” He saw the way your throat moved as you swallowed the spit in your mouth taken aback. “Well all I'm saying is I bumped into you and, You look alone and maybe I can fix that” Astarion truly hated being alone but he's got no choice how could he trust anyone, not even his judgment, his brain fighting itself to pursue this sabotage of you cause he was getting butterflies like a small boy no he has to do this or it’ll be his head. The sooner he got you vulnerable and fast asleep the sooner Astarion could get back to his so-called home and not suffer any of Cazadors sadistic punishment maybe. Maybe he'll be too busy with you. “Well-…I'm not so sure'' your tongue fought with your teeth that held it down “Please, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.” Astarion slipped his hand past your arm resting on your waist as his ruby eyes cursed you—hook line sinker. 

  You opened the door to your room the bed stood a dark mahogany wood color and the bed had soft and silk-like sheets As Star ran his hand over the fabric before falling onto the bed “Gods…this is amazing. Oh you must have fun, all of this” he waved around the room with its extravagant decor and design he felt like this was a blessing, a comfy room that in a way matched him but it didn’t match you. You just smiled while taking off your shoes before sitting on the bed. “Yes, it has its perks but don’t get ahead of yourself, I'm not fortunate enough to sleep in my comfort zone all day.” Astarion hummed wanting you to continue “Always on the move, learning how to run this city..not this city but my father's community, being the Phoenix royalty it's all up to me to defend everyone. I'm a weapon and a protector.” you laid your head back staring at the ceiling, the candles illuminating the room mildly. Astarion rubbed his fingers through your hair, feeling how your body tensed from his nails scraping your scalp as his chest pressed against you. “It must be so hard. All that stress” he pushed his fingers into your shoulder working the knots and hearing your sigh of relaxation he smiled. Astarion rubbed his mouth on your shoulder before pecking it softly..one then two then waited. One then two pecks then wait..

  You got up when his hand traveled to your pants' waistband. “Did…did I do something wrong?” He sat there looking up at you. “No it’s just…I. I’m not a stranger to sex but I’ve never really…you know” You mumbled, Astarion smiled “That’s just fine darling…I can teach you.” Astarion lifted his shirt revealing his toned stomach and soft skin “Come here.” He smiled laying back as he pulled you in by hand. Astarion felt sick thinking of all the other people he let use him all for Cazador..his body wasn’t his anymore just a vessel. When you climbed on top of him your hips were between his legs. Astarion held whatever could support him and he closed his eyes…waiting for it, anything revealing your true colors like others before you, a kiss of rough desire, an order, the ripping of his clothes, memories flooded of all the cruelty his body has faced mind flashing to Cazadors long and torturous carving on his back.

   But you just kissed his forehead. Astarions eyes snapped open and he looked at you. Your face was covered with your hair and the light worked against your face since it was dressed in shadow. “Let’s just not… Please? let's Enjoy each other’s company” You lifted yourself off of him walking away.      

   Astarion laid there a sense of relief, a sense of fear. Cazador wanted you tonight. As vulnerable as possible he said it was urgent. Astarion got up pulling on his shirt. “I would love to stay with you but I'm going to be missed by my people at home darling. Maybe I’ll return.” You turned to him sitting at a writing desk book in hand with a somewhat sad look on your face “Oh alright…are you walking?” You asked, “Hm, yes I am.” Astarion started and heard you get up “But! I can handle myself.” He smiled, but what was he thinking he needed you to follow him “I know you can but it’s still courteous to walk you, it’s just a Royal thing to do” you joked. Astarion looked at you as you grabbed a dagger. “Just in case someone tries to hurt you, Pearl.” You smiled, attaching it to your side.

    Astarion and you walked the night streets, people stopping to admire you. They knew who you were and your power; it was a rising myth that if people saw you it meant protection for generations. So people started to pray to you and your family. Astarion looked at you as you greeted everyone who crossed your path. “You seem social for someone so cut off.” Astarion observed “Of course, I love the people. They all believe in me.” You smiled “They believe in some myth all they want is something from you.” Astarion sighed, so naive he thought. “Oh yeah and how do you know it’s a myth?” You laughed. Astarions face twisted “I refuse to believe you can watch over generations of people. It’s ridiculous. A children’s tale.” Astarion stopped a bit of way from cazadors home. “This is as far as you go.”

    Astarion swallowed a bit of spit. He knew what was coming. “Well…maybe a goodbye kiss?” Your fingers slipped into his hand and you looked at it “Are you cold or something?” You raised a brow “Oh sweetheart he’s always freezing” a voice that made Astarion’s ears twitch and his hair stand on his neck, Cazador. You turned around facing the man. “My my… you're a sight to see in person. Taller than expected” Cazadors hands touched your face, your brows lowered, you turned to Astarion your face turned to a look of disgust. You smelled it out as soon as Cazador touched you..betrayal. “Astarion, my loyal servant, brought you to me just as ordered…a duck stranded from her mother.” You sighed “Sorry but you don’t know who the fuck you're messing with. I don’t need my father to hover over me. Darkness follows me everywhere and so does light.” With that, your hand flashed bright the power of the heat of the sun as you grabbed Cazador with his screams of pain filling the quiet night. Astarion stepped back hesitant, almost enjoying seeing his tormentor being roasted, but between running away or pushing you off if he ran, what If Cazador found him…took him. Who would he have if he ran? What did he owe you? Nothing, not a dime. So he took his dagger from his hip and stabbed you in the shoulder. You screamed letting go of Cazador who was ten seconds away from bursting into flames. You looked at the dagger fingers wrapping around the handle pulling it out of your flesh, the rigged beat-up edge pulling at the muscle as you pulled it out, you were something though. Your hands glowed a soft green and you sustained yourself ignoring the pain. The dagger was out and your eyes snapped to Astarion, your nose twitched and you felt your body go numb the dagger fell out of your hands, something was wrong with the dagger..laced with poison your eyes felt heavy and you fell on the hard stone street as you fell asleep and the sick laughter was all that filled your ears your eyes only focused on one thing. Astarion, the pretty ones are always trouble huh?…

—-

   Your body jolted awake your mouth was dry air hitting it with your panicked breaths, a metal bar holding it open, and your teeth ached, you felt woozy the need to scratch your back was all that could fill your mind but your hands…where were they? Well, you weren't missing them but they felt frozen solid from the lack of blood that flowed to them. Your arms were chained, you could feel your skin peeling from the rusty chains and your stomach growled. How long were you out for? Days? Weeks? It didn't matter what did matter was getting out of these damn chains. You closed your eyes channeling every ounce of power and strength and pulled pushing yourself forward you heard the whines from the old metal that pulled against you; you just growled at their wails pulling more and more. “Please little one, do not struggle. It will be for nothing” you snapped to the figure whose eyes bore into you like rays from the sun, oh what you'd give to see the sun and pray to it. “You know little one, you're very fortunate” He took a brush to your hair “My other spawn even that little beauty that caught you for me” You lunged at him the memories flooding back, this cocky son of a bitch had the nerve to touch you, That cunning tongue, fucking snake had the nerve, to stab you! Speak to you and warm you up. Just what you get, protector of the people! You’ll kill him, Crush that pretty throat in your own hands and this hideous man in front of you. “Now now, I understand your anger darling I do. But he was doing exactly what I asked of him, But back to what I was saying. I know what you're thinking ‘Oh you think you're big? Kidnapping me, part of a Royal family. Known to be protectors of Baldurs gate and half of faerun.’ Well, I did my homework.” Your eyes focused behind the figure of the ranting man. A cell…with other people in it both men and women, they watched you from afar. They had sad empty eyes; they didn’t glow as red as the one in front of you. It didn’t take long for him to notice your gaze. He took your chin forcing your eyes to look up at him “Pay attention!” He let go before brushing your hair again “So much dirt and blood…I’ll have you cleaned soon…” he sighed, nails combing through your hair “You see, I need you. You’ve been trained to track and kill almost everything. You’re the youngest out of your two siblings and you were the best choice cause you were lonely and naive.” You yanked your chains in disagreement “Struggle against it all you want but it’s the truth little one. You were so alone, in that big house training day after day while your father came to my masked parties during the night to look at all the grotesquely dressed women and indulge in his alcoholic tendencies.” He chuckled, “Such a fun man to be around.” Your father? Now you know this guy, he used to invite your father to these get-togethers all the time leaving you alone at home while your brothers ran off with only the guards and maidens to keep you company. The letters you would pick from the main hall's table would always be written in red ink ending in a splotch.

 Cazador 

“I know what good your family has done for this city…but I know all the atrocities you could commit.” You struggled to talk the bar tight in your mouth. “Right now…you’re not broken yet. But like all the most fierce of beasts, you will break.” You felt a hand on your chest, your heart beating faster “Your family was blessed, blessed by the sun where no heat could melt your spirits, that the dark would bow to you and witness all your light. The power to watch over every living thing just as the sun does. It took me a long time to figure out why you called yourselves the Phoenix royals but now I know, because you live forever the sun has molded your heart with its soul. You'll forever burn bright.” You felt his hand claw into your chest, your eyes poured out tears and your nose ran with snot. The pain was unbearable. You screamed in pain, spit, and tears dripped down your chin. The hand removed itself and it left you more empty than before. Your breaths were shallow your eyes landed on the bloody hands of Cazador his smile was wide tears of his dropping “It's beautiful'' you sobbed in defeat your heart beating in front of your face it glowed a bright orange it was young and healthy but all it took was one crush and you'd be ash, onto another life. Cazador held it close to his own heart, mumbling sweet things under his breath. He opened a velvet chest with gold locks putting your heart on a cushion, closing it he locked it he looked up at you his eyes red.

   “Now, you belong to me.” 

—————— yea I made up a Royal monk family sorry if you no like it. But erm yah!

-SZA pretty little bird-

‘You are but a phoenix among feathers You're broken by the waves among the sea, They'll let you die, they'll let you wash away, But you swim as well as you fly, Pretty little bird, pretty little bird’

@beepersteeper @chaoticgoodstuff

[busy-baker]

The final part of Darling Dhampir is posted. I couldn’t leave it on a sad note

Celebration…Read on Ao3

Juniper has a big day ahead of her and Astarion has went out of his way to plan it all, but he finds himself worrying more than being overjoyed by the occasion.

f!Tav x Astarion

Word Count: 1.5k

Everything had come together just as Astarion had envisioned. Paper streamers lined the ceiling in a vibrant rainbow, a table already filled with various sized bags and boxes sat near the entrance of their home, and a cake, four tiers with the fluffiest pink frosting and hundreds of edible flowers, sat atop the kitchen counter waiting to be cut.

A delightful squeal pierced through the pale elf’s pointed ears as he placed plates onto the dining table. With a wide grin breaking across his face, he turned to greet his wife as she carried their daughter into the room.

Juniper was clothed in a brilliant sunflower yellow dress. The puffy sleeves were adorned with tiny crystals. The tulle of the skirt was cut short with layers upon layers to form a tutu of sorts. She was sunshine personified, fitting for her warm personality.

The dhampir clapped her little hands excitedly. She repeatedly babbled out “dada” in the highest voice as they neared him, emerald eyes lighting up and several teeth showing as she smiled. Astarion never tired of seeing her enthusiasm to be held in his arms.

“If it isn’t the star of the show,” he said, taking her from her mother and hoisting her up she rested on his forearm, “You look spectacular, darling! Absolutely marvelous!” He tickled Juniper’s stomach and she giggled uncontrollably causing the vampire to chuckle along with her.

“Is this a bit much, Astarion? It’s only our friends and your mother celebrating today.” Tav looked around with a worried glance at all decorations. If one fireball were cast near their home, it would be up in flames before anyone could leave.

“A bit much? My love, if anything, it isn’t enough!” Astarion waved his hand in a flourish. He loved his wife dearly, but she was unable to see his master plan. He would leave no beam untouched with decor and no surface without a dash of confetti.

The vampire had been planning his daughter’s first birthday for many a tenday. He meticulously wrote every detail on parchment, down to the very hour that she would blow out her candles and he would wrap her in his arms as she neared the one year mark.

He was honestly beside himself as he realized his baby girl, his little one, was no longer an infant that would allow him to nuzzle her as long as he pleased.

Juniper was growing into a wild, unruly toddler. He was often playing chase, at a slowed pace, as her legs carried her as far as they would go. She communicated with words instead of cries for her needs, sometimes incessantly as he attempted to decipher the frustrated gibberish. Each day was a new experience. He was reluctant to admit he was feeling more dejected by this day than joyful.

Astarion sighed and pushed away the negative thoughts, kissing his daughter’s cheek as she rested her head on his shoulder, twirling his fingers into his hair and sucking the thumb of her other hand. Her eyes were slowly drifting closed as she began to slip in reverie before the celebration began.

__________________________________

A nightmare. The party was an absolute nightmare for Astarion. Every one of their guests had stormed through the door, fighting for possession of his very cranky daughter after her trance had been interrupted by all the commotion.

The appetizers had been torn through as if everyone were a bunch of ravenous beasts, the gift table was in shambles as it was slowly disorganized by shoddily wrapped presents, and he would never say to his wife, but he was beginning to regret the confetti as a now gleeful Juniper tossed it into the air, letting it rain down and tangled in her bouncing, silver curls to the encouraging laughs of Karlach and Shadowheart.

The elf groaned as he watched from the kitchen, leaning a bit too far back and staining his crisp, white blouse. He grabbed hold of his shirt and tried wiping the frosting away with a damp towel, but the fuchsia blot spread even more. He flung the towel into the sink with a huff.

“Wretched hells,” he mumbled, a scowl marring his handsome face.

“Everything alright, my love?”

Tav went to him, taking his face in her hands and pecking the corner of his mouth. His eyebrows softened at her touch and he bent, letting his head fall against her shoulder, defeated. Her fingers wound into his hair, toying at it, and she quietly laughed.

“Is that a no?” She asked.

“Certainly not a yes, darling.” His voice was muffled and he was sure he looked silly, pouting on his wife’s shoulder with their difference in height, but he didn’t care.

“Tell me, then. What has you so down today?”

“Couldn’t we just have a quiet night to celebrate Juniper’s birthday?”

Tav’s fingers brushed gently at Astarion’s hair. “But wasn’t this your idea?”

The vampire made a noise of disagreement. He was in no mood to be reminded of the torture he chose to inflict upon himself by throwing a party. He wanted to be whisked away with only his wife and child in tow to some place far away.

“If you could continue to soothe instead of question, it would be delightful.”

Tav lifted his head from her shoulder and stared into his claret eyes. Her own eyes filled with compassion and Astarion sunk into her grasp.

“What really has you feeling so glum, Astarion?” His wife’s thumb stroked against his cheek as she waited. He was silent for several minutes, thinking over his words.

“Juniper…,” he whispered, “She’s growing so quickly,”

“Oh, Astarion.” Tav pulled him into her arms and his own wrapped around her, hugging her close to him.

He felt relief as he uttered the words but there was an overwhelming sadness still lurking beneath. He wanted to go back and repeat the entire year, to see every moment play out once again, the good and the bad, because Juniper remained close to him.

Astarion realized as she grew, she would begin to be comfortable and put distance between them. He wanted to be able to protect her from all the horrors of the world and provide her with a place to fall into when she was feeling anything other than happy. He wasn’t ready to loosen the hold.

Tav leaned back to look at her husband and his eyes had grown watery, but he refused to let a tear fall.

“It’s difficult for me too,” Tav began, a small but sad smile on her lips, “She will grow and she will grow into someone who is strong and willful and everything we hoped she would be, but we have to allow it, my love, and accept it.”

Astarion glanced past his wife and back to where the dhampir gripped onto Wyll’s fingers as he did a little dance with her. She was giggling loudly as the other guests clapped and cheered for her. The vampire found himself smiling as he looked on.

“I suppose you’re right” Astarion kissed Tav’s forehead and began to move past her. “If you’ll excuse me, my dear.”

He walked over to join everyone, still observing the little display Wyll and Juniper were putting on. He cleared his throat and they all looked to him. Juniper stopped her dancing and let go of her partner’s hands. She ran as fast as she could and gripped his legs.

“Da da!” She yelled, staring up at him with and bursting with excitement. His undead heart felt as if it was going to burst at the seams with the love he held for her.

“Up you go, little one.” Astarion lifted her up and kissed all over her face and she returned the favor with sloppy smooches and squeezing his cheeks. “Shall we have cake now?”

The pale elf held his daughter close as everyone rushed to the dining table, paying no mind to him and his daughter. He shook his head as he followed the group.

Tav had removed the top tier of the cake and placed it on the table. She sat in a chair, holding Juniper on her lap, as they were surrounded by those closest to them. They all sung to the dhampir, very loudly and very off key, as she looked to each of them in wonder.

Astarion watched as the candle on top was blown out by Tav and the help of Juniper’s spittle. With a gentle push of encouragement from her mother, the dhampir’s hands dug into the cake, smashing it to pieces and flinging it to and fro. She managed to eventually find her mouth and shove a fistful in, smearing icing all over her lips and even getting a dollop on her nose.

The vampire felt laughter bubbling up in him until he finally let it out, fangs bared and head tilted back. He couldn’t stop himself, overcome by elation in the realization that this life he now had was one that many would envy. It was one full of adventure, bliss, surprises, and a love that was all encompassing. He was one of the luckiest creatures in Toril. No, he was the luckiest creature in Toril because no one would ever have what he held in his arms each day and night.

Astarion’s laughter died down and he stood gazing upon his wife and daughter, his world contained in those two souls.

The party was not a nightmare. In fact, it was everything he could have dreamt of and more.

[linka-from-captain-planet]

Rating BG3 Ladies Oral Game

By popular (1 anon) demand. With a bonus segment, Does She Eat Ass?

Ratings based on vibes and also facts opinions (controversial: not everyone can be a sex god).

all the main and supporting women + my background babes: Florrick, Talli, Alfira, Lakrissa, Araj, Nocturne, Skoona, Adrielle, Z'rell, Nine-Fingers, and special guest star Philomeen

*Sex is like pizza, so average results are in fact still pretty good. Only 2, 1, and 0/10 are truly trash head. So a 5 or 6 is still a compliment!*

Lae'zel: 10/10. Her appetite is voracious. Her will is steel, and her tongue is silver. As a lifelong try-hard, Lae'zel can't settle for anything less than stellar, and eating out is no exception. She can be a bit too clinical with it at the start, but once her heart is freed from its stone prison, her sensuality comes pouring out her lips and tongue.

Shadowheart: 9/10. This is her wheelhouse. This is what she's been up to for the last 30 years. She loses a point because her brand of teasing and/or being coy occasionally doesn't translate; there's a difference between a slow burn and letting a lover go cold, and she can slip up sometimes and forget she's pleasuring, not torturing. But overall? Who knew such a delicate touch could make you come apart like that.

Karlach: 11/10. She's a natural, and she's ravenous. For touch. For affection. To please, to be good. She tunes all the way in. No notes. She's all up in and/or on that thang, front, back, side to side, not a drop left when she's done with it. The most finesse? No, but a hammer doesn't need frills and lace to knock in a nail.

Minthara: 12/10. Even better than her stroke game. It feeds her ego like no other, and what feeds Minthara's ego is also good for her lover. Dominant even when giving head, and she puts that nose and chin to werk. You're done when she's done, not the other way around. Eats 110% of it, leaves no crumbs.

Jaheira: 6/10. Frankly, Jaheira is just not that horny and so, while her skills are well-honed, she just doesn't have that killer instinct to catapult her into higher tiers. She's too busy to spend two hours between someone's legs, so she aims to get it done nice and quick, but thorough. She's no quitter, after all, and her dedication to the goal is unshakeable.

Isobel: 8/10. A little too much of a tease for anyone who's not an edging enthusiast, but she puts her money where her mouth is. She's incredibly in-tuned with a partner, so once she's zoned in, she's got it locked down. Her focus is unbreakable. Doesn't have the most stamina, but she more than knows how to make up for it. You don't need hours and hours for Isobel to take you apart.

Aylin: 7/10 or 100/10 IF her face is being sat on. My controversial take for this post. But I think that while Aylin's tongue is GOATed and she loves pleasing her partner, it's just an act that isn't enough for her. She wants to touch, feel, suck, lick, caress, tease it all, not just a fraction of her beloved. Her hands and tongue wander. She flits around, sampling it all. Keeping her in that one place, on-task, can require some input from her partner, so they can't quite relax all the way and melt under her. This is where the face-sitting specification comes in. Surrounded so, held down (even by someone MUCH smaller), being taken as much as she gives--------- that's where she really shines.

Mizora: -100/10. Again... get real.

Orin: 5/10. She is a rolling stone. She is a whimsical sort. Eating out requires focus that she certainly has, but can she employ it on a dependable enough basis? She can also get too artful with it. Sometimes A->B is the right path and you don't need to murder someone and stash their corpse in an abandoned one-room house inbetween licks, ya know?

Florrick: 9/10. Look at that profile. That nose. That chin. Those lips. Observe her delusional confidence, her endless fidelity, her relentless pursuit of her goals. Did you feel that tremble? It was your [preferred genital word]. She comes home from a long day of bossing people around and serving the greater good, ready to pamper someone, to serve herself, and she's hungry. Her only downside is that she can be a bit efficient with it; it takes her time to warm up emotionally, and not treat you like just another item on her to-do list.

Talli: 8/10. Happy to be of service, always. A very thorough, straightforward, good-game-giving mouth. Lacks creativity, but completely consistent, reliable, and (if desired) romantic.

Alfira: 8/10. A little clumsy, a little distractible, but you can't beat the dedication. Amazing breath-holding capacity. Unlike some other be-fanged women, she loves her teeth and knows how to deploy them. She keeps ya guessing, which does have a few negatives, but overall? More than makes up for her complete lack of stroke game.

Lakrissa: 6/10. She talks a big bigger game than she actually has, surprisingly. She's a little too restless, a little too fidgety. She likes to use more of her body than she can while going down, so it's kind or boring for her tbh. She likes the taste and the emotional/mental experience for herself, more than she likes actually doing it. But for her love? Anything. She'll sit down there for hours if need be.

Araj: 2/10. The future Matron Mother of the Restored House Oblodra does not get on her knees. You try to tell her that there are many other options, but she doesn't listen. Only goes down when she's trying to steal your secretions for her alchemy. It's not worth it.

Nocturne: 7/10. Like Shadowheart, she had to be entertaining herself somehow for all the decades in the cloister so her skills are above average. But she's a little more submissive, and tends to pigeonhole herself; she can't quite pull off a toppy tongue sesh. If she's not on her knees, she doesn't quite know how to do it. Certified biter, interested in the intersection between pleasure and pain.

Skoona: 7/10. A little self-conscious of her tusks, but she's always found the act romantic and fulfilling. Likes to hold hands during.

Adrielle: 3/10. She's a little self-conscious, a little too intimidated. A little too desperate to be good. In one's own head is the worst place to be when trying to go down on someone, and that's where she is. Will get you there, but hardly a world-shaking experience.

Z'rell: 1 Billion/10. Look, it's still not for YOU, but in case you were wondering: at least 17 someones out there are getting it ATE. Front, back, side to side, axes that don't even exist in our plane. You're missing out. Pathetic.

Nine-Fingers: 7/10. Makes your legs shake, but can be a little too intense. She can come on too strong. She can make it feel like a competition, or like there's something else on her mind that's not you. Keeping her engaged is a You problem, but if you can? Very good.

Philomeen: ?/10. She does not go down, ever; she's made that mistake before long ago (making the hoes think she cares about them) and she's nawt gonna make it again!!

In addition: Does she eat ass?

Eats ass completely unprompted: Lae'zel, Minthara, Orin, Z'rell Offers to eat ass: Shadowheart, Karlach, Aylin, Florrick, Nocturne Eats ass if asked: Jaheira, Isobel, Lakrissa, Nine-Fingers Considers it, but decides eating ass isn't for her: Alfira, Talli, Skoona Definitely doesn't eat ass: Mizora, Araj, Adrielle, Philomeen