#greysdiary;

[stormyweaver]

Sometimes in my head I'm like 'This needs to be said' and other times I'm like 'nah just leave it be'. Not sure which one this time is but... I rarely censor myself on this blog anyway.

It's not even like a huge take really? It's just that one of the reasons I stopped posting/interacting on here was that a lot of people I used to talk to often had unfriended and blocked me, or just deleted their blogs for one reason or another (valid to both btw. Sometimes life happens.) I was feeling really down about the former though. I struggle a lot with maintaining any relationships, platonic or otherwise. So I'm always left thinking 'Ah I did XYZ yep I am a horrible piece of trash'. Which... I'm not.

I'm not a bad person. I'm a human, and I think people like... forget sometimes that even though we can't see each other, stuff does affect each other. I don't blame people for deciding to unfriend/block/whatever if they have a gripe with me. If it happens then it is what it is, but it def sticks with me bc I'll never know exactly what I did for that to happen. BUT as one of my favorite shows growing up has taught me: You can be the nicest, coolest, kindest person out there, and someone will STILL not like you. That's just how life is.

Now onto the positive: I have so, SO many valuable friends from this kink and I'm always so grateful to have them in my life. Is the fear there that one day I'll fuck up or they'll get tired of me and leave present? Absolutely. But I'm learning to just enjoy the ride for as long as I can, and if life or whatever else decides that we part ways, it doesn't need to be a tragedy. I can and will continue to try and be as true to myself as possible.

Anyway idk what this post is really meant to accomplish. I think it's more of a... it's something for me to see and realize how much I've grown over the years, not just on snzblr or even tumblr itself. I'm always gonna be a sensitive person but, I think I'm learning how to not beat myself up so much behind the scenes. And to remember that there are people here who love/appreciate me, even when my mind tries to tell me it's not true.

That being said, I def wanna try and be more active on here, even if I'm not in the most popular fandom or newest shiny thing. 'Cause I enjoy sharing with other people. I genuinely do. Not promising anything certain but, if it happens it happens.

[all-grey]

02.07.2021

i really don't think i want to love again or even begin to try. it's not that i can't, just that i don't want to ever love someone that much for it to not work out. once you truly love someone unconditionally, you can't just turn that off and i think you know best what that feels like. it's always there. it's always in the back of your mind.

and i think that's the worst part. i think that's why you turn yourself off. because if you can't turn that love off, something just gotta go in its place.

i still think of you. the hurting isn't as bad anymore. but i still want to see you again. that's the shitty part, after all this time, i still want to see you again.

[nox-the-world]

ravenclaw thunderbird infp sparrowhawk patronus aesthetic for @greysdiary

[all-grey]

14.04.2022

we had our first trip to Phu Quoc. i guess it's also in time for us to celebrate our first month together. i would never forget these past few days. you took care of me like i'm a delicate thing... after such a long time trying to prove myself strong, trying to subdue my needs for love just because i was afraid they would see me as a burden, how lovely it is to feel like a delicate thing...

i never thought i'd get to be loved like that. i thought i was hard to love, until you make it seems so easy.

we tangled in pillows and blanket. we kissed till our lips burn. your hand trailing along my body, getting in between my thighs, and oh god, my body trembled like i was touched the first time.

we made love on the sofa, in the bed. we laughed naked in the bathroom. you helped me wash, dress, folded my clothes. you hugged me tight with a big towel after i got out of the shower. you kissed my forehead and looked at me like i was the only one left in this entire world.

falling asleep and waking up with you... we made love in the morning, sleepy and messy. with giggles and hushes.

you seep so easily into my bloodstream, as if these veins are built just for you. maybe they are, built just for you.

[all-grey]

01.04.2022

we came across each other unexpectedly on the 3rd of February. it was right after Tet, the change in the air was still fresh. a freshness of a new beginning. the conversations flowed like a river; slow, deep, and so strong. i didn't know what it was but i was feeling de javu. i swore i felt you in my memory. like i'd seen you in my dreams... maybe in another time I loved you...

when you told me you loved me in that park on a cool spring night. for the first time in my life, i didn't see someone as temporary. when you held my hands, i saw the future of us. when our laughs chimed in with the rustling of leaves, i felt safe and happy and that i have a best friend who loves me.

day by day, I let you in — slowly, cautiously, almost afraid to let anything slip past my consciousness. there is so much of you to love and not enough time to absorb it all. i want you to sink into my pores so I can carry you everywhere ― in smell of my clothes, the touch of my hand, the sound of my voice.

be with me, always. i'm here to stay for a long time.

[all-grey]

09 Nov 2018

Em thương số phận mình. Nhưng em không biết cách làm thế nào để thương bản thân mình.

Em có những khoảng thời gian cuốn trong những giấc mơ đè nặng, em sốt sắng, nghĩ nhiều và suy sụp. Dù em vẫn cố động viên mình thế nào thì cứ để nó như thế đi. Cứ để cho cuộc đời chọn lựa mình, tình yêu chọn lựa mình. Hai tháng em sống trong giấc mơ lạc, lựa chọn không phải dành cho em, em gầy sụt đi 4 kí. 

Nhưng rồi sẽ ổn th��i.

[all-grey]

02.01.2022

we met again. you got yourself a bike. a new apartment with a view overlooking the city and a separate kitchen. and a new job that pays more money. just like how you told me you would. i'm happy for you.

sitting at the back of your bike, roaming through the streets with the sun setting above my eyes. the colors of blue, lilac and orange dancing so beautifully it hurt. i felt the wind blowing across my face, and the warmth of you...

and we drank. talked. laughed into the night. like we used to do. like all of those passing months were nothing between us.

we talked about family. the prospect of the future. the presence. and you asked me "do you think that i can date?"

my heart stopped a beat. and words tumbled on my tongues like i just learned how to speak yesterday. was my heart nothing but a hostile testing ground to you? is there a word that describes how deeply you took me for granted? your cigarettes smoke crawled its way up my lungs. you always leave me charred.

can you hear my skeleton creak under all these feelings? they feel like a burden.

leave, before my inability to hold this burden ends up burdening you. no stammering apologies needed, no tears, no lingering looks of "but there’s so much left to say."

go, before you force me to change my mind and make you stay.

may my blackened pages remind me how not to rip myself into two, again...

[all-grey]

01.01.2022

you texted me on the 1st of Jan. and we met by accident at a cafe i went to often.

"it was destiny." you said cheerfully.

was it?

i looked at you. i looked at you and it hurt all over again.

my fingers tremble with surprising violence as i attempt to reflect upon how you left me. words will only amplify an injury too deep for poetry.

and i fall back. how easy it is to fall back to dangerous comfort.

you are a nasty habit i have almost kicked, a cruel disease I have almost cured, a shabby book i have almost finished, a deep scar that has almost healed. almost.

and i wait impatiently for the inevitable healing.

but i wanted to meet you again... and that would be the death of me.

[all-grey]

24.12.2021

on that hot morning on Christmas's Eve, i felt a chill in my spine when you walked in. that same walk. same voice.

"Hello, it's been a long time..." I said.

you reached out your hand and intuitively i did too. and you pulled me in. i hate it how just one brief hug dragged me down to where i was. i felt tears at the back of my eyes. it tore my heart out saying hello to you...

and now, my heart weeps. because i remember. i remember everything.

my throat houses a lump whenever thoughts of you cross my mind, the same mind that is slowly, hesitantly wiping away all traces of you. i do not have a choice in this.

i didn't know how much i have been missing you. till i met you again.

oh God please... help...

[all-grey]

23.06.2021

how amazing it is, that exactly a month has passed and nothing has changed and everything has changed.

i still remember you. what you like and what you don't like. what cracks you up and what makes you fall silence. what you said too much and what you didn't say enough. what makes you happy and what makes you angry.

but the sad thing about it is that i remember it.

i don't want to remember you, big flower. it hurts too much for too long.

is this love? or just an infatuation i couldn't shake off. i've been trying to ask myself. what was it that you had that made me fall in love with you? but the answer is as confusing as my own thoughts, it was everything, and nothing at the same time.

i'm very tired. my heart is so heavy. it's like torture. i think i'm losing it. i look at you, photos on the screen, i look at you, and i love you so much. not because of anything you've said, or done, or anything at all. i look at you, and i just love you, and it terrifies me. it terrifies me what i would do for you.

please... tell me i'm not crazy.

[all-grey]

12.06.2021

it's been 3 weeks.

time flies so fast without you and it scares me. it scares me how long it has been and i still feel the same, not the same grief, but the same love. i look at our matching ficus's leaves falling one by one and i don't want to do anything about it. i guess i need to watch it die, so that you can die in me and i can live.

there were rainy mornings i woke up and it broke my heart. i drew the blinds and the thrill of rain broke my heart. i went outside. i took Grab, walked among the buildings, men in suits. The flight of doves, the river by the underpass, the huddled mass, the sound of notifications and typing, music, laughs, silence, all of them, broke my heart.

there was a dream i had in which i loved this world. i ran from end to end like fingers through your hair. there were no borders, only wind.

you were going to walk out eventually. i understand. and i hold my hands over the ears of my heart, so that i will not hate you.

[all-grey]

26.05.2021

i don’t miss you. i don’t. but it’s hard to listen to songs from that time, and not see the city lights faded outside your apartment’s windows. feel the hours we had left to go. the hum of conversations too far now to hear. your shape and mine and how we existed in the moment, those numbered days. when there was nothing other than the steadying idea that yes, of course i’m here, so yes, you are too. 

how to watch it all and not feel a twinge, never longing for it back. 

i can remember you, feel our ghosts in the room above my eyes and recognize we will never know each other like that again. allowing myself to exist in the memories i don’t love anymore. it’s okay. it feels as real to me as it did then, and i’m glad it was beautiful when it was. but there’s nothing there i’d return to. 

[all-grey]

23.05.2021

when you were having such a good sleep and looked like a big flower recovering from sadness or the meanness of the world or of whoever broke you. i just think that i hope you don’t have to take sleeping pills anymore. i hope you feel unburdened. i hope you dream so deeply, that you’re surrounded by variegated monsteras and drool on your pillow and snore and your muscles twitch and you wake with a little more sense of peace. 

i want that for my best friend. 

[all-grey]

23.03.2021

i decided to stop replying. i was part hoping you would text and part hoping you would never ever appear in my life again. 

a week after, you texted me like nothing ever happened. like you were never distant and i never decided that was the end of us. 

you wanted to meet. and like all the times before, i ran to you like all those hurting didn’t matter. and like all the times before, you only talked about yourself.

you said you would go back to being good, and that you don’t want to be a sad bad person anymore. and like all the times before, i said it’s ok i’m here.

i sat there and listened to your stories. i missed you so much i didn’t care that you never cared about mine. 

and your friend came back. and you threw me away like a worn out cardigan.

you stopped replying, out of nowhere, out of nothing. just like how i did. 

i have grown to dread the sound of notifications. it reminds me that the whole world will follow up on me, except the one person i need to hear from the most.

so i turned it off, so that i don’t hear it not ringing. 

and not like all the times before, i stop waiting.

not like all the times before, i don’t want to remember you anymore.

not like all the times before, i want to put them down, all the things that i remember. 

but where do i put them down? damnit... where do i put them down...

[all-grey]

10.03.2021

lately, the one thing that you told me most frequently was how you wanted to be alone. i’ve tried so hard to let you know that i’m here for you, always. i stay by your side even how invisible you make me feel. i comfort you even when i myself need comfort the most. i laugh with you even during the times i want to just lay down on the floor and cry. i give you love and i keep giving and giving and giving, to the point that i feel so hollow i’m not sure what is left of me. 

i would’ve done everything for you that is the problem. if you wanted to dance i would let you wreck the furniture. if you wanted to cook i would let you burn down the house. and if you wanted to scream i would let you deafen me. 

i’ve said and done everything i could but it still wasn’t enough.

i’m starting to feel like my effort was bothering your silence. and it saddens me so... i should just leave the way i came, suddenly, silently...

[all-grey]

08.03.2021

it hurt when i stumbled across him. he was like broken glass all along the floor. but it was beautiful and my kindness got the best of me. 

i remember looking at him and all I could see was pain. he was inhaling the fourth cigarettes in 30 mins and the smoke made everything blurry. and he had this insane look of desperation you could feel it like a wind chill cutting across your face. i couldn’t make up then which was his sadness and which was mine. 

his eyes were deep hollow; like the life had been sucked out of him. i wanted to pick up his pieces. i wanted to put him back together. and so i tried. i really did. i got cuts along the way. the more i tried to help him the more fragile i became but i didn’t care. 

i wanted to see him happy. every time i made him laugh i thought about how i wanted to make him laugh forever. he was getting better. eventually, he decided to get up and walk away. but he didn’t take me with him. and i’ve been stuck sitting here where i first found him. wondering if the pieces left on the floor are his or mine. 

i should probably get the fuck up.