#granted I was so fucked in my last year of hs like fear of that level wasn’t felt in my life

[kavehater]

Although my parents are certified loners (no shame) we have one family friend that’s super close and last year approx June fifth I had a psychological break and my dad called him over and he just spent a while talking to me telling him that he’s very proud of me and I stood like this 🧍‍♀️ whaaat 😭 and my mum was like to treat him like I do my dad so as to not get nervous around him in that situation and she was being so nice then even tho like an hour prior she was telling me how much of an embarrassment to the family name I was for him now being involved … anyways he’s coming over like tmrw haha

[lividdoves]

Everyone insists otherwise but I swear to you, abyss, there is nowhere else I can talk about my mental health. I’m surrounded by unhealthy assholes myself aren’t I, I just want to move away and break my phone so often. Then I’ll probably get into a fight at a gas station with some racist and die or go to jail tho. I always feel like I’m only relevant to people bc they get *something* out of me. That’s the game though, that’s what my own vein(human?) conscious would make sense out of too. And it’s not like I even like myself enough to make a serious difference on how I’m treated because I’d lose that debate with myself every time. You’re a piece of shit too so what the fuck are you analyzing anything for? I’m always worried about who’s watching, who’s ego I’m feeding, who I’m offending, who feels what way about me, and it’s hard not to feel like all of this is relevant and affects me because I’m not an idiot; I can fill those blanks in with plausible answers all day long. I hate the emotionless and deceptive environment I was brought up in but I wish I was more emotionless. And I wish I was valued enough to be told the fuckin truth when I asked, why do I have to explain.

I get smaller every day. I gain skills, I learn things, I think so often, and I get smarter(?) and hate myself just a little more every. Day. I make emotional decisions to try and mute the screams and yk what? That’s a flaw too. Hopefully soon I’ll disappear. I hate being sad(angry?) because all it registers as to me is having taken my life for granted anyway, I can imagine a million more horrors that I haven’t experienced. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself” makes me want to literally kill myself instead. Thank you. Thank you for confirming how I feel thank you. I hate you. Me. Everyone. I rlly think I’ve graduated to hating everyone at least a little. Because I’ll see what the fuck they do and what the fuck they tell me and how the fuck they move and yk what it seems to me that they keep pretty good track of their value and values, they’ve got boundaries they’ve got consistent mindsets. That’s the main thing, they have consistent. Fuckin. Mindsets. I have no idea how I’m gonna feel that’s why I fuckin smoke. My emotions have been a mess since I developed them. And I have a girlfriend who I rlly don’t think is improving my mental health she just cares a lot but doesn’t know how to. And honestly the pressure of someone you love wanting to help you but everything you’ve talked about in conversation fucks your emotional trust up without you noticing so when you try and communicate the words jump ship and you’re sitting there silent like a fuckin idiot and you can only react to symptoms of what gets at you and all they rlly do in the moment is take shit personally but guess what that’s what YOU do Teddy that’s what YOU do just ask her, or your father. I’m a dumbass for thinking he was the only cool per-no I’m not, because this world is vein and disgusting and the moment I look past myself that’s what reminds me death is hovering above me in any case. I swear to god if I can’t build a stupid vehicle like I’ve put my last 21 years of hope behind I rlly don’t have a reason to live. I don’t want a new one. Yk I was supposed to be diagnosed with autism and depression and put on meds but HEYOOOO. I scrolled up and back down just to see how hard it was to keep track of my tenses and yeah this is a grade A fuckin ramble. Fuck it though, there’s no hot water and the fans don’t work, I had a dream that they did too. I always wonder if I’m just a piece of shit or “there’s something wrong with me” but where is the line anyway like. It’s hilarious bc I know the flip side to every word I’ve typed and I know the “appropriate response” to every fuckin line I’ve typed and it makes it no less real, it makes conversations almost impossible. I don’t even want to speak the venom on this page maybe it fuckin embarrasses me, maybe bc I’ll alienate someone I might care about. I used to care so much lord, what happened, I rlly wanna know what happened I’m gonna cry just please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. This can’t be real. I barely want to exist and it’s only for fear of death, for fear of missing out, for fear of ill PERCEPTION like a fuckin PUNK, “you put too much pressure on yourself” I’m certain if everyone else did there’d be a lot less devilishly evil acts, people think lashing out with power is catharsis meanwhile if I interrupted someone it’s on my mind all day, like, I don’t belong here. At least I was a positive force in hs, maybe I wasn’t maybe I have a shit bag perception of absolutely everything. I just want to go away. Live on the moon for a last 24 hours. I’m crying now. Great job I haven’t made myself do that I don’t think ever, or I’ve forgotten, wouldn’t be a surprise since it seems my life’s theme is suppression.

I’m not gonna re-read this, I usually re-read the shit I type a hundred times, correct and clarify thoughts, but what’s the point.