#grab an oatmeal container of hot water on my way off the floor and then not have to worry about anything for half an hour

[peachyy-pixxii]

scriunged around in my bag for enough change for two packages of miso soup,, bc i’ll be damned if i buy food at work. one spinach feta wrap is $4.54 with my discount and one package of miso soup with three packets was $3.79. better budgeting both ways

[drifting-pieces-blog-blog]

Going to college?

Welcome to my non- Moon Knight Special Interest. 

That’s right, first aid and safety!! 

You’re talking to someone that willingly takes OSHA training at work, loves the pictograph stickers and used to work for Workers Comp L&I (labor and industries) in the insurance review portion as an admin that made sure that your doctors submitted all the appropriate paperwork to get things approved (spoiler, they don’t). 

@scarabgrant​  has brought it to my attention that people are going to college for the first time! This means all you kids are living away from home in a dorm without proper life training! Been there, my friends. 

So here are some things I learned the hard way about dorm life. Let’s start with the basics. 

FOOD: 

ALWAYS KEEP EASY MEALS IN YOUR ROOM. 

Most dorms provide a microwave area (in which people constantly make burned popcorn and set off the damn fire alarm). 

At my college, cafeteria hours did not work for my sleep schedule and class schedule. Cafeteria was also closed on weekends. I also did not have a mode of transportation and my campus was far away from town. 

Keep a drawer/shelf/trunk with easy to make microwaveable shelf stable meals. Campbell's quick go soups, instant oatmeal, beans (GET A CAN OPENER), chili, and Ramen work wonders. 

Also keep some quick dishes. A bowl, a plate, a fork, a spoon, a knife, and a cup is all you really need. 

That being said, also keep at least $25 cash somewhere in your room or on you. Never know when a card isn’t going to cut it. You should have more, but you are a poor broke college student so we’ll keep this a low number of $25. You can do a lot with that if you are desperate enough. 

Also keep a roll of paper towels. Trust me on this one. When that cup of water hits the floor you don’t want to be throwing your clothes on it in an effort to soak it up. 

You can’t keep a hot plate or cooking device in your room, but there exists a thing called “An electric Kettle”. Check your dorm rules, but it’s something you plug in and push a button and it heats up water. I doubt it’s illegal. You can use this for coffee, tea, ramen, oatmeal, or other instant meals that just require hot water! 

HYGIENE:

 You are suddenly sharing a space with people! People that might have relied on their parents to tell them when they stink. Sounds bad, but most people are so familiar with their own smell that they don’t notice when it is bad until it is VERY bad. 

Deodorant! Keep it. Use it. Keep a little one in the car for those fun days of ‘I spent the knight and now I smell bad’ moments. 

CONSIDER SHOWER SHOES. And clean them. It’s all fun and games till you get athletes foot. 

Showers! I’m going to get controversial here, but again, experiences.  You do not always have to do a full shower. Depression is a thing and so is lack of sleep and bad schedules. Wash your face every chance you get. Splash cold water on your eyes. Sink showers can be a thing. I’ve dunked my head under running water and called it a day way too often back in the day. 

If able, please keep a shower schedule though. 

Wash your clothes any chance you get. Set a timer on your phone. Some asshole is going to go in there the second the buzzer sounds and throw your shit all over the floor. MEASURE THE SOAP. If you aren’t used to doing your own laundry, there is no harm in reading the back of the laundry soap container. Soap builds up a film on your clothes if you put too much in. It’s itchy. 

Wash your bed sheets once a week if able! Check for bed bugs. This is a big issue in dorms!!! 

THOSE OF YOU THAT MENSTRUATE: Keep pads and or tampons on you at all times. Maybe you got your schedule down and know it, but that girl crying in the bathroom outside of chemistry is having a BAD DAY. Keep extra in your room. Never know when you will be stranded on campus and suddenly the store is closed and you forgot that you grabbed the last pad a month ago. 

SHARE THE SPACE: Got a roommate? First time ever sharing a room with someone? Even if you are besties from high school, you need to figure out your schedule and rules. 

Is one of you going to stay up all knight with the lights on while the other one can’t sleep because they need total darkness? Does one of you set an alarm at 6am and hit snooze fifty times while the other one got three hours of sleep and wants to sleep till 10am? Do you need to shower but they’ve been in the shower for the past hour and you are running out of time before class? Are they going to sneak their boyfriend in through the window and risk getting you both expelled out of the all girls form? 

TALK! Figure out schedules and comfort zones. Do not sit there being miserable. 

Got a suitemate situation where two rooms share a bathroom? Keep that access door locked so they can’t come into your room through the bathroom any time they want unless you have given them permission. 

Keep your room at least a little clean. Don’t let things rot in there. Maybe you go out and party every night but your homebody roommate is miserable because you have flowers growing white fuzz in the window and a trash can filled with old food that is going bad. 

TOOLS:  

You are going to want a measuring tape. You’ll know why when you need it. A flat head screwdriver, a philips head screw driver, a hammer, and pliers. If you need them, you’ll be happy you had them. Also you’ll be the cool guy of the friends that is prepared for anything. 

CAR: 

Things to keep in your car. A basic first aid kit. You can buy one of these at the store pretty cheap. Jumper cables! A pack of tissues, hand sanitizer, an extra mask if you are in a covid restriction area, and I recommend a basic overnight bag with a spare pair of underwear, socks, deodorant, tampons/pads if applicable, and a hair brush. It’s all fun till you fall down in a huge ass puddle in the parking lot. Keep the bag in the trunk so no one sees it and tries to break in thinking it’s something else. 

Learn how to change a tire. There are youtube videos! 

Weather appropriate items! Live in rain city? Keep a poncho/umbrella. Live in snow capital? Consider tire chains and de-icer. Out in the desert? Sunblock is your friend. Out in a dangerous area? Pepper spray! 

DO YOU HAVE GLASSES?! KEEP A SMALL GLASSES REPAIR KIT IN THE CAR AND DORM ROOM. Do not be the sad child that lost a screw and is now going to glass for the next three months with their only means of vision taped to their face. 

Do you need contacts? Keep extra. Don’t go to class blind.

Are you or your roommate handicapped? Make sure your campus is accessible to you! There are some old campuses out there that were made way before handicapped people were considered real people. And some of those campuses, unfortunately, still look down their noses at them. Do not just roll over and decide you won’t be taking that class because there is a flight of stairs in the way. You make sure they know you are taking that class and it is the schools job to make it accessible for you. They can move that class to a different building. I’ve seen it done. It can happen. 

Need special print? Make sure your professors know what you need. If they refuse, then there are other professors out there teaching the same subject. Or you can go talk to the school board about how they are breaking the law. 

Now let’s talk medical! 

Do you have a health condition? Do you need to be wearing a med alert bracelet? Make sure that shit is visible! Make sure your friends, professors, and dorm leader knows about it! You do not want to be passed out while someone fumbles with an epi pen and ends up stabbing themselves. EDUCADE THEM! Tell them what they need to know to keep you alive! 

Do you have a serious allergy? Are you prone to seizures? Do you have a heart condition? Educate anyone that is going to be spending time around you. TELL YOUR ROOMMATE. If they wake up to find you seizing on the floor, don’t let them be the idiot that is trying to pry open your mouth to keep you from swallowing you tongue like they do in movies. 

SEIZURES: Odds are high someone on campus is going to have one. DO NOT TRY TO PRY OPEN THEIR MOUTH. YOU WILL LOSE A FINGER. 

If someone is actively seizing, your job is to make sure they are in a safe place. Get them out of the road. Make sure they don’t hit their head on anything. Put a shirt or something soft under their head. Call for help. Check for any medical alert tags, watches, or bracelets. Any information you can give the 911 operator is gold. Even if they already know they have seizures and are on medications, breakthrough seizures can be serious and may mean their medication isn’t working right. 

BANDAIDS: I keep latex free bandaids on me. Latex allergies are a hell of a thing (I have them!). Keep bandaids in all sizes and shapes. You can also consider surgical first aid skin glue, but this is not a solution for everything and can also sting like a biiiitch. Glue is useful in areas that a bandaid can’t quite get to and if you are doing something that requires a lot of hand washing or where bandaids might cause a hazard (fire). GLUE IS FLAMMABLE. KEEP THAT IN MIND YOU FUTURE CHEMISTS. (Surgeons use glue at work when they have cuts on their fingers). 

Bandaids are not always good enough. 

Keep a pack of the following in your kits!: 

Telfa pads. These are sterile absorbent smooth pads. You can apply triple antibiotic ointment to them (neosporin) and place them over any larger scrapes. It will keep them clean and absorb the blood. 

GAUZE WRAP. Comes in rolls. When using this on limbs/fingers you want to start on the telfa pad to hold it in place. Then wrap up or down. You want to overlap the previous layer by 50% with each round you make. DO NOT GO TOO TIGHT. Just a gentle firmness is all you need. It is designed to cling to itself. When done, ripp the end and smooth it over the previous layer. It will stick. 

COHESIVE BANDAGE. Comes in fun colors! This stuff is vaguely sticky, VERY stretchy, and will hold anything in place. The biggest thing to remember about this stuff is that the stretch sinches! You can and probably will pull it too tight and after you place it, it will retract on itself and cut off circulation! 

The proper way to apply this bandage is to unroll what you think you need. This releases the stretch. Then gently and loosely wrap it back up on the roll. Apply over the gauze wrap without stretching it out again. When done, cut it and lay it flat. Keep the 50% rule just like with the gauze. 

TAPE: Bandage tape. This can be placed over the ends of the cohesive wrap and will hold it in place. Can also be used to make your own bandaid! Wad up some gauze or fold up a telfa and use the tape to hold it in place! Do not cut off circulation! 

BANDAGE SCISSORS: These are a sort of safety scissor we use in the medical field. You can slide the flat end under clothes or bandages against the skin and cut things away from problem areas. They use these in ambulances. 

70% Isopropyl Alcohol! It will hurt. It will help. 

Peroxide: I don’t know what they use this for in the human field. It turns white because it’s damaging off the damaged tissue. That’s why it bubbles. Dead tissue turns white and bubbles. Also not great near eyes/ears/face… What is it good for? It is a quick way to get small amounts of blood off of things. Clothes, surfaces, hair…. As long as it doesn’t set in or become old, it will get it off! I’m sure it also disinfects wounds too. But not like Alcohol does! ;) 

Remember when placing a bandage, if your limb is numb, it’s too tight! If you have immediate strike-through (bleeds through the bandage) you may need stitches! This isn’t a good thing if it bleeds through. 

DO NOT TOURNIQUET. You are not in a medical movie. You will kill the limb and cause an amputation to be needed. Don’t do it. The ONLY time you should tourniquet is if a medical professional TELLS you to. I’m not even going to tell you how to do it because I can’t stress this enough. You place a tourniquet only if the other option is death. 

PRESSURE. Just put pressure. Fold up a shirt, jacket, something, and lay it over the wound then use the heel of both your hands to apply firm and even pressure to an area if needed. 

Alcohol prep pads: Little godsavers. 

GLOVES. Latex free gloves! DO NOT TOUCH BLOOD BARE HANDED UNLESS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. Put a box in your car and put a box in your room.

EYE FLUSH. Keep eye drops or sterile eye flush. DO NOT USE VISINE. Visine shrinks blood vessels (it’s how they get rid of red eye. Makes it smaller) and causes them to get more irritated. This makes more red-eye. Then you need more visine to get rid of that red eye. It’s a vicious cycle. 

Medication!

Got allergies? Benadryl! Don’t got allergies? STILL KEEP BENADRYL. Doesn’t have to be Benadryl. Medication is “Diphenhydramine”. Super cheap if you get off label. It is an antihistamine that helps with insect stings, allergic reactions to plants, animals, or something causing you irritation. If you are experiencing something the benadryl is not helping, you may need doctor intervention. 

Pain medication!: Tylenol and Ibuprofen both live in my kit. Why? Because one of those is not good for people with heart conditions! Some people can only take Tylenol. In fact, keep some aspirin in there too! Your friends will thank you for having options! 

Are you prone to bad flu or colds? Keep a medication you know helps you. If you like it, keep nyquil and dayquil. Not everyone can take this stuff. 

Stomach meds! Tums are always good to keep. Or Peptobismol, Pepcid, Famotadine. Know what medication works for YOU when your stomach goes south. Imodium is also good to keep in a first aid kid. Useful when the diarrhea hits and you need it to stop. DO NOT RELY ON IT. If you need to take Imodium for longer than a couple of days (I’ll give you three days), you are having a problem and may need to see a doctor. 

PEDIALYTE. This may sound weird, but your drunk college friend is going to need this. You might be the drunk college friend. Vomiting or shitting yourself? Pedialyte will keep you from the worst of dehydration or hangover. 

All in all: If you know there is a medication you often are turning to in regular life or in times of need, keep extra with you in your dorm! 

If you are on a prescription medication, keep it in a safe place. Get a pill timer app if you need to or a pill organizer. Make sure you’ve had your annual exam so if you need to go to a random pharmacy to get an emergency refill there shouldn’t be an issue transferring it over or refilling it. Know what things may interact badly with your medications. (grapefruit, asprin, charcoal...) 

FIRE! FIRE!

Know where the nearest fire extinguisher is. You can even keep a fire blanket in your car and/or dorm. They pack down real small.

Know HOW to use the fire extinguisher. There are pictures on the can. Give them a glance now and then. 

Defibrillators! They are required in most major buildings. Know if your building has one and where it is. Know how to use it! If anything, 911 will tell you how. But they can’t help you if you don’t know where it is. 

CPR: UPDATE. Breathing is less important than compression!!!!!! Do not stop compressing unless they revive or a medical professional tells you! If the heart is not going, the lungs do not matter. KEEP COUNT. It is hard business and when the ambulance arrives, they need to know how long you have been going. GO DEEP. I would rather have a broken rib than be dead. Ribs are fixable. Death is not. Sing the song if you need to! 

Bee Gees Staying alive is the correct rhythm. 

Consider taking a class on CPR and first aid and staying certified! You won’t regret it when you need it. Some colleges offer classes for free! Your nearest fire station may also offer classes! 

LEARN THE HEIMLICH. Remember, if they are talking or laughing they can still breathe. If they stop making sounds, There is NO air getting by. Ask clearly “Do you need help?” If they nod or are clutching at their throat, consider this a pretty good permission. 

LEARN HOW TO EPI PEN! Watch a youtube video. 

JUST BECAUSE YOU USED THE PEN DOESN’T MEAN THEY ARE FINE. The epi pen has bought them time. Now they need to get to a hospital/doctor so they can continue to get help getting the allergen out of their system. 

You are out in a new world of new things. There’s a good chance you might suddenly find out you have a new food allergy or allergy in general. Listen to your body. Take note of unusual reactions like itchy tongue, itchy throat, swollen face or numb lips. 

OKAY. Here’s a rough topic. 

Suicide. Self harm. Depression. You are away from home, you are away from family, support groups, friends. You may be failing class, struggling with being alone. Struggling with romance. It doesn’t matter the reason. Learn to recognize signs of depression in yourself and in others. Reach out to people struggling. Make a friend. Leave them a note asking if they are okay. Do something nice for someone random. One good thing in a sea of sadness can give them a light to cling to. 

Recognize signs of suicide. Giving away items. Telling people strange things like ‘you were always a good friend’. Odd behavior. Reach out. Tell a professor or councelor or dorm mother or someone. Make sure they are given help. 

Abuse. Watch for signs of domestic abuse. People are getting into their first serious relationships. Bruises, overly clingy, ‘protective’, demanding, controlling… Don’t let your friends fall into this pattern of abuse. Some college romances turn into lifetime nightmares. 

THAT’S IT. All I can think of off the top of my head without getting into my own personal stuff…Or rambling on and on. 

But if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to reach out! My ask box is ALWAYS open and so are my DMs! 

Stay safe everyone and make sure your college experience is a good learning lesson! 

[440mxs-wife]

Out of Reach

Imagine: There's not enough room in the cupboards to put everything on your level, so you must rely on the taller of the two Winchesters to help you out. Little did you know, he was keeping a secret.

Today was baking day, and you had decided to make some baked goods for now, and some to freeze for later. Cookies, muffins and of course, pie. You knew this was going to take all day, so you decided to start early.

You had reached the point in your recipe where it called for cinnamon, so you walked over to the cabinet containing your spices. You were dismayed to see that the cinnamon had been moved to a higher shelf. Not only that, but it was pushed back from the edge, just out of your reach.

At that moment, Sam walked through the back door after his morning run. He saw you struggling to grab the cinnamon with the kitchen tongs, a bemused smile on his lips. "Do you need some help?" he asked with a chuckle.

You let out an exasperated sigh. "Good morning, Sam. Yes, I would like some help, please. Someone decided to rearrange my spices and without telling me. Also, they were moved way out of my reach! How am I supposed to get any cooking done when I can't reach anything? Not my fault I'm shorter than you guys," you muttered.

Sam sauntered up to the counter, plucked the spice from the shelf and dropped into your waiting hands. He leaned down and said softly, "All you have to do is ask, and I'll be happy to help you." His hazel eyes twinkled with amusement as he winked at you, then took a long pull on his bottle of water.

"Th-thank you, Sam," you stammered. After he left the room, you went back to your mixing bowl. You took a deep breath to steady your nerves from being so close to Sam. He was so gorgeous, you couldn't help but be flustered whenever you were around him. He was the more reserved of the two Winchesters, you thought. However, you had a feeling that there was a good deal of raw, passionate energy only barely contained within his 6'4" frame. 

Shaking your head, you returned your focus to making a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. No raisins for these two, you thought. Only the best for my guys, and that means chocolate chips. You opened the bag and dumped in the chocolate chips, stealing a few for yourself first.

The kitchen seemed a little quiet, so you accessed your Classic Rock playlist from the music app on your phone. In that respect, you and Dean were in agreement, but you found you had more in common with Sam. Reading, movies or taking a walk in the woods behind the bunker was more your style.

You started getting into the music as you worked your way down the playlist, singing and dancing as you went. The oven timer sounded, so you put on the oven mitts and took out a tray of cookies. As you pivoted from the oven to the counter, you were surprised when you noticed that Sam was standing in the doorway. "Whoa, Sam! You nearly made me drop this tray of cookies! How long have you been standing there, anyway?" you asked as you put the baking sheet on the counter.

"Only long enough to realize you are truly in the zone when you're in here," he answered, moving towards you. "Also to know you have a beautiful voice and some killer dance moves," he smirked as he leaned in, his breath hot on your ear.

Dammit, how is he doing this to me? you thought. Your heart hammered in your chest from the rumble of his voice so close to your ear. Recovering your sanity, you replied, "You have two choices. You can either scoot out of my kitchen and let me work, or you can stay. But, I guarantee, if you stay, I'm going to put you to work."

"I don't mind some work, as long as I get to partake of one or more of these delicious goodies when we're done," he bargained. "Deal," you said, his large hand engulfing your smaller one in sealing the agreement.

After all the baking was finished, you and Sam cleaned up the dirty dishes in the sink. You left the cookies, muffins and pies on the counter to cool until they could be put in storage. Then you returned the spices to the lowest shelf, so you would be sure to reach them in the future.

"I think we can enjoy some of the fruits of our labor now," you declared. "Sam, would you get out a couple of plates and put a few cookies on them? I'll pour us some milk," you said.

You joined Sam at the kitchen table with the glasses of milk and he brought over the cookies. He broke into one of the cookies and closed his eyes in complete enjoyment. "These are the best cookies I've ever tasted. What makes these so good?" he asked.

"Can't tell you, it's a secret," you grinned conspiratorially.

"Oh, come on, I helped you make these! We hunt monsters side-by-side, trusting each other with our lives, and you can't trust me with the secret of your cookies?" he pouted, pretending to be hurt. "What if I want to make a batch some time?"

"Then you can ask me and I'll be glad to help," you stood up, took your plate to the sink and rinsed your glass. "Thank you for everything today, Sam," you said, touching his shoulder and gently ruffling his hair as you walked by him.

Sam stared after you as you left, not even bothering to fix his hair at first. He chuckled as he thought back on the time you had spent together, baking. He enjoyed the ease with which you two worked together and the variety of treats that resulted from the collaboration.

He thought back to the joke he told you that caused you to throw your head back in laughter. He saw the amusement in your eyes and how you looked happier than he'd ever seen you. It warmed his heart to know that it was he who had made you laugh like that.

Dean walked into the kitchen for some coffee and saw Sam's hair was still messy. "Dude, what happened to your hair?" he chuckled.

"What? Oh, that," he grinned, smoothing out his hair. Sam explained to Dean that the two of you had just finished having some cookies and milk. He said it was your fault that his hair was out of place.

"Aww, Sammy, that's so cute," Dean teased.

"Shut up, Dean. We had fun in here today. I caught her singing and dancing when she was in here by herself. I made her laugh at my jokes, even though I kept messing them up," he trailed off, then scowled. "Besides, you get pie out of the deal, so what do you care?" Sam retorted as he headed for the library.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Tonight, you were making chili for dinner. You browned the hamburger and added it to the tomato soup and chili bean mixture already simmering in the pot. You went to your spice cabinet for the chili powder, but you didn't see it right away. You moved some of the other spices around, thinking it was hiding behind one of the other spices, but it wasn't. You looked up, and there it was, on the top shelf again, pushed back just far enough that you couldn't reach it.

Frustrated, you stomped your foot as you tried to figure out how to get to the chili powder. You pulled a chair over to the counter and climbed up onto the seat. You put one knee on the counter, while one foot was still touching the chair's seat. You grabbed the chili powder and was ready to step back down, when your socks slipped and caused you to lose your balance. You would've hit the hard floor in a most unspectacular dismount, had Sam not barged into the kitchen at that exact moment and caught you.

"I knew you'd fall for me eventually, but not like this," he chuckled. "Couldn't reach something again?" he asked.

"The chili powder! It was up top and I couldn't reach it, so I had to use this chair," you explained.

"I told you, honey, if you need something, all you have to do is ask. I'll be glad to help you. Although, I must say you look kinda cute trying to do it yourself though," he winked.

You rolled your eyes at Sam and finished making the chili. You hoped he wouldn't notice the blush on your cheeks as you walked past him, a small smile on your face. Wait, you thought. Did he just call me 'honey'? I mean, I like it, but since when is he calling me that?!? you wondered.

In return for making dinner, Sam and Dean agreed to take care of the dinner dishes. You went into the library with your favorite book and your blanket, then settled into a comfy chair.

As they're finishing the dishes, Sam asked Dean if the coast is clear, meaning are you anywhere near the kitchen. Dean confirmed that you are still in your chair, though he said it looked as if you're dozing off instead of reading. Sam walked over to the spice cabinet and selected a few of your more frequently-used spices. Then he moved them from the bottom to the top shelf, just out of your reach.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked.

"I'm moving the spices," he replied, matter-of-factly. "I figure, this way she'll have to ask for my help again, and I can keep getting closer to her. I really like her, Dean. I mean, really like her, maybe I'm even in love with her. She's so determined to do everything on her own, not ask for help. And she's fun to be with, she's great at research and she doesn't take any of your crap. Which I personally love," he chuckled. "Her smile is contagious and when she laughs, she does it with her whole heart."

"Sounds like chick-flick stuff, man," Dean teased. "So, when and how are you going to tell her all this?" he asked.

"I dunno. I don't think she has any major cooking projects coming up. Ooh! I can move her coffee cup! She's usually in here for coffee about the time I come back from my run, so I can tell her then," Sam declared.

"Good, because if you don't confess to her, and soon, I'm gonna tell her who's responsible for moving her stuff around," Dean warned.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You yawned as you shuffled to the kitchen in your pajama pants and T-shirt. You were so looking forward to that first morning cup of coffee to help jump-start your day. While it was brewing, you started putting away the clean dishes from last night's meal.

Sam came in the back door from his usual morning run. Seeing him brought a smile to your face. He returned your smile and added a "good morning" wish to it. You continued to put dishes away as he cooled down from his run with a bottle of water.

The coffee pot beeped to let you know it was done brewing. You reached into the cabinet for your favorite coffee cup, only to see it perched on the top shelf. You turned around with your back to the cabinet and pinched your nose between your thumb and forefinger. You were trying to calm yourself down and not lash out in frustration. Sam noticed your distress and asked if something was wrong.

"I'm beginning to think that someone in this bunker doesn't like me," you said, close to tears.

"Why on earth would you say that?" Sam asked in shock.

"I already know I'm shorter than you and Dean. But that doesn't mean that one of you has to keep pointing it out by putting stuff where I can't get to it! I can't reach my coffee cup," you sniffled.

Sam walked over to where you were standing, put one hand on either side of you and leaned on the counter. His heart nearly broke looking into your eyes and seeing them shimmer with unshed tears. He finally decided to come clean.

"Honey, whoever's doing this to you isn't trying to be mean. He's been moving stuff around on you so you'll ask him to help you and then he can get closer to you. Because he really likes you. As more than a friend," Sam said, brushing your cheek with his knuckles.

You found it difficult to form a coherent thought as he caressed your cheek. "How-how do you kn-know this, Sam?" you stammered.

He took a deep breath before answering you. "I know this, because it's me. I'm the one who's been moving your stuff up high, so you'll ask me for help. And so that I can gather enough courage to do this," he explained as he pressed his lips to yours.

At first, you didn't know what to think, since he had just confessed to causing you so much frustration. A split second later, you suspended all thinking, leaned in and kissed him back.

You pulled back to break the kiss so you could catch your breath. "Whoa. Sam, that was amazing," you breathed.

"If you think that's amazing, here's round two," he growled, capturing your mouth again with more demanding kisses. His tongue quickly slipped past your lips to go one-on-one with yours. His hands roamed up and down your back, settling on your hips to pull you flush against his lean frame. You slid your hands up the length of his torso, resting on his shoulders.

Sam took you into his arms and rested his chin on top of your head. When he spoke, you could tell without looking that he had a bright smile on his face. "You are the most wonderful woman I've ever met. You are an intelligent, vibrant and sexy woman with a killer smile. Just seeing it is the best part of my day. I am so lucky to have you in my life," he murmured.

"You're not the only lucky one, Sam. You are one of the kindest men I've ever met. You're caring, thoughtful, and I dare say you're a bit of a romantic," you grinned. "I don't think anyone has ever worked this hard to get my attention. It was very sweet, and I love you even more for it," you remarked shyly.

Sam tilted your face to gaze into your hazel eyes. "I really didn't like causing you to be so frustrated, my love. But every day that I have you in my arms will remind me that in the end, it was all worth it. I love you, baby," he declared.

[ohmeohmayohmy]

With the Slightest Smile, Chapter 11

Taglist: @reedusteinrambles @juxt4p0siti0n @kurtnehhhh @chlobo6 @reavenedges-lies @livcaper @singularpurplepansy @geek-and-proud

Notes: Alright folks, here she is in all her glory. I had to take so much out, it was originally like 17k or something ridiculous, but she’s still pretty lengthy. I hope it was worth the wait. I’m sorry for my impromptu hiatus, hopefully something like that doesn’t happen again. I am very grateful for the patience and kindness you have shown me in the last few weeks.  The vibe of the chapter is very different to me, for some reason. So I hope you enjoy it, even if it’s not what you expected. But maybe that’s part of storytelling anyway. 🤔

Warnings: Language, illness.

Words: 14.1k+

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February 23, 1974

It was a bleak day, greyness settling into the room.

A hazy beam of light shot through a slit in the curtains. You groggily moved your head so you were able to face away from the brightness, trying your best to ignore the morning. 

It took the first few moments of your waking to remember that you were not sleeping in your own room. The walls were stark white, the bedspread was a dark striped quilt, and there was nowhere near the same amount of clutter strewn about the floor. You felt a vague warmth from the spot next to you, with only an indentation in the sheets. It was enough to rouse you to sit up, jolting you from the daze that had befallen you mere moments before.

Streaking sunshine striped across your face more freely in your upright position. It filled your eyes, making any sense of sight difficult. The glass from the single framed picture on the wall reflected the luminosity. The dull tones in the room gave you an eerie feeling, uneased by the lack of colorfulness. 

Even the photograph in the frame was in black and white, depicting a lovely forest without its liveliness.

You shivered, pulled the covers up to your bare chest, and settled into the foreign blankets. Is it always going to be this strange?

Behind the door, you could hear water running, assuming it was coming from the kitchen. With a mumble, you slipped out from the sheets and onto the floor, searching for anything resembling clothes. Eventually you recognized that your dress from the night before was crumpled at the foot of the bed. You tiptoed over to it and slipped the loose garment over your head, looping your arms through the sleeves. The frock was wrinkled, but you decided to ignore the fact.

You walked across the carpeted floor, suddenly thankful that they weren’t cold and wooden. The door was left slightly ajar, so you gave it a gentle push and entered into the space beyond it.

It led directly out into the living room, which was just as starkly white as the bedroom. The sofa was a light grey, thin linen curtains covered the wall which had small windows. You ran your fingers along the large white bookshelf lining the wall nearest you. 

You found it odd that it only housed books. No knickknacks. No decorations of any kind. And absolutely no music albums.

Then it hit you, there was no music playing. Which was a strange occurrence in your home. Brian would always play a record while doing anything, especially washing dishes.

You removed your hand from the bookshelf immediately, once Brian sprang to mind. He had tried to apologize for not calling on Valentine’s Day, saying that he had every intention to tell you he wouldn’t be coming home.

But he never tried to apologize for not showing up.

And that hurt a hell of a lot more.

You inched your way to the kitchen, almost dreading the sight that you knew you would be met with. Not because of who it was, but who it wasn’t.

The steam from the hot water sizzled on the freshly cleaned pot, which you guessed had been the vessel for cooking food. The faint smell of oatmeal wafted through the air. To your left, you could see the pristine white bowl that held two servings’ worth sitting on the counter, placed neatly next to a small container of brown sugar and a strainer of recently washed fruit.

The sticky sound of bare feet on the tile came up from behind you, and a pair of arms wrapped themselves around your waist. You could feel a warm breath through your hair, and leaned back into the embrace. If you closed your eyes, you could almost imagine you were at home. With your best friend.

“Good morning, sweetie.”

Sweetie.

And just like that, your daydream was shattered.

“Good morning, Paul.” You forced cheer into your voice, and twisted around to press your face into his chest. “How long have you been up?” You knew it hadn’t been a considerable amount of time, but the question was more of a pleasantry than anything.

Paul hummed into your forehead before planting a soft kiss. “Not too long.”

You groaned, muffled by his shirt. “Well, I’ve been up much too long already.”

He scoffed at your comment and pulled away from you enough to meet your eyes, beaming down at the frizzy hair that haloed your face.

“Something on your mind, sweetie?”

That word again. It bothered you. 

It bothered you a lot.

“Not at all.” You shook your head, honeying your tone. He grinned before releasing you.

“I made breakfast.”

“I can see that,” you motioned to the counter where the food was lined up perfectly. “But it doesn’t look like you made anything for yourself.” He scoffed again, amused by your dry comment.

“If you’re that hungry,” Paul responded, “I suppose I could get something else.” He paused. “Is your cake from the restaurant still in the refrigerator?”

You scowled. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Too late. I’m already thinking about it.” He placed his arms around you again, this time bringing your head closer to him rather than your waist. Even his scent, which you should’ve been accustomed to by now, was unfamiliar. Or, at least, it wasn’t what you had come to expect.

“Can I eat now?”

Paul laughed down at you. “As you wish.”

You playfully pushed him off of you so you could turn around and grab some of the food. He grabbed the largest of the three dishes, which held the oatmeal, so you grabbed the sugar and fruit.

“Should I grab some spoons and—”

“Oh, I already set the table.”

Of course he did.

“Oh, nice,” you smiled.

You put the things you were carrying down next to the big bowl and moved to sit in your recently designated seat. 

“When do you have to go to work?”

“‘Ve got the whole weekend off.” You leaned back in your chair with a boastful manner.

“Lucky girl,” Paul grinned. He rose up halfway out of his seat to place a peck on your cheek. You scrunched up your face at the affectionate contact, feeling a slight blush forming on your skin. He pulled away to return to sitting, and scooped a sizable portion out from the large bowl to relocate into his own. You took the ladle from him and helped yourself to the warm oatmeal.

“What about you?”

“You know I have to go later.”

You groaned. “Do you though?”

Paul squinted, teasing and taunting. “It’s not like I save lives or anything.”

“That’s for sure,” you giggled, taking a blueberry into your mouth. “We can’t all be heroes.”

“No. Just you.” 

He gazed at you with an adoration that you were certain you had seen before. But the face looked off. The hair was wrong, the features warped. You couldn’t shake the sense of untrueness that had settled in the pit of your stomach.

The discomfort must have broken across your face, because the jolly gleam that radiated from his face faded away. “Something wrong?”

Yes.

“No.” You rubbed your thumb across his hand.

“If you say so.”

“Thank you for breakfast, by the way.” You changed the topic quickly, motioning to the table.

Paul nodded and shrugged. “It’s the least I could do.”

“I’m sure you could do less,” you quipped. “In fact, I’ve seen it.”

He pouted. “You come into my home—”

“Is there a problem with that?”

Paul snorted, the wrinkles around his smiling eyes deepening. “Not at all.”

“Good.” You gave him a side eyed glance, acting suspicious.

“Though,” he continued, “if you’d have me, I would really like to spend more time at your flat—”

“Oh.”

“And meet your friends?”

“You’ve already met most of my friends.” You tried to play off your discomfort as confusion.

“But just as some bloke, Y/N, not as your boyfriend.” You visibly shuddered at the mention of that word. He contorted his face, stretching it into an expression of befuddlement. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Paul.”

“You look troubled.”

You lowered your head, sheepish. “I just…I didn’t realize that’s where we were.”

“What do you mean?”

For an intellectual he’s incredibly thick.

“Boyfriend…girlfriend…”

“Oh.”

Neither of you said anything for what seemed hours. At most, it was really only three minutes. 

Paul cleared his throat, signaling that he was prepared to speak. “I only figured, y’know, since you’ve been staying over so often.”

It was true. You had only spent a couple of nights at your own home since Valentine’s Day, which was more than a week ago, and that was only when you could be certain that Brian wouldn’t be there. Let alone his new lady love.

“No, I understand why it feels that way,” you nodded slowly. “We just never had the talk.” Pause. “That’s all.” Your mind was frozen from the sheer awkwardness of the situation. You wanted to be in control of where this thing with Paul was headed, but he caught you blindsided. He knew you didn’t want to get too serious with anyone, which he attributed to your getting over someone else. You made it clear that wasn’t the case, many times. But neither of you fully believed it.

“That’s all?”

No.

“Yes.”

Paul inhaled deeply, suddenly very invested in his silverware. “It’s not too much too soon, right?”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, given our timeline, it’s not going too fast for you, is it?”

“Paul, I’m not as fragile as you might think,” you tried to tease, but it might have come out more indignant than playful. “I took you home literally the day we met.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Technically, the day after…”

You rolled your eyes. “New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, what’s the difference?” He opened his mouth to say something, but you cut him off. “It was a rhetorical question.” You narrowed your eyes, recognizing the perfect snarky comment you had set up for him. “That was nearly two months ago. I think our timeline is a little unconventional, anyway.”

“I suppose.”

“And we’ve only been seeing each other regularly for about…”

“Nine days?”

Someone’s precise.

You nodded in confirmation. “So, there really hasn’t been a time to have the conversation.”

Paul glanced down at his wristwatch. “I’ve got some time now.” You gave him a withering look. He noticed, almost startled. “Or not. Some other time.”

“You know it’s nothing wrong with you, right?” Your voice became softer, gentler, tapping a hand on his chin.

“I think you’d have said something if it was,” he smiled, before kissing your hand. You scoffed and didn’t attempt to argue. He brought out the opinionated side of you.

But you also didn’t want to say what was “wrong” with him, because it fundamentally wasn’t wrong at all. It would be unfair to say that.

He just wasn’t Brian.

But you couldn’t admit that. Not to anyone. Not even yourself.

In a desperate attempt to move your mind away from anything that might make you say something you regret, you blurted, “You’re welcome to come to dinner tonight.” But your tongue instantly burned with regret anyway.

Paul hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Stella insisted that I ask.”

He grinned. “The infamous Stella?”

“The very same.”

“It’s an honor.”

You laughed, genuinely. “I’d say so.”

“Just the three of us? That’s a lot of pressure.”

You laughed again, but in a more reassuring manner. “Odette will probably join us, and that would soften the blow. And I think John and Veronica will be there, if she can get him out of bed.” You felt cheeky making your remark, but it seemed to go over Paul’s head.

“Oh good, I’ll know someone, then.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Will the rest of the band come too?”

“In that case, it depends if Fred can get Roger out of bed.” You didn’t want to make the same insinuation, so your intonation changed, and this time it landed.

“For dinner?”

“You’d be surprised.” Your comment made Paul chortle.

You carefully avoided saying anything about Brian. You just hoped he wouldn’t be there. 

The emotional distance that had befallen your relationship in the last few months was killing you, but a public dinner starring your new beau didn’t seem the best place to air out anything between you and Brian. 

And something about bringing Paul made you feel preemptively ashamed.

“Is it somewhere nice? Or should I wear something more casual than my work attire?”

“If Freddie’s got any say in the matter, it’ll be somewhere a little too posh for the mood.”

“So, a suit should suffice?”

“That would be your safest bet, I’m sure,” you answered sweetly. It was like you were trying to cover up the guilt from the thoughts that were invading your mind. 

Once the two of you were finished with your breakfast, Paul stood up and grabbed the dirty dishes, taking them into his large arms. You picked up the utensils and the cloth napkins that weren’t even soiled.

“Should I pick you up from your flat, then?” He asked while wiping down the bowls. 

The simple act of him doing the cleaning of the dishes threw you off, as it would usually be you while someone else was drying them. “Huh? Oh, yeah. That’d be great.”

“What time?”

You looked up from your fixation on Paul’s soapy hands. “The others agreed to meet around seven-seven thirty this evening. If that works for you?”

“Lucky for me, I get off at six.”

“Perfect. Stella and Odette will probably be there when you drop by.” You took a rag to dry the bowls, but he put up a hand to stop you, gingerly taking the fabric from your grasp. “I can help, you know.”

“Yes, I know, but is it wrong for me to want to let my girl relax?”

Paul’s response made your heart swell.

“Guess not,” you simpered, standing on your toes to kiss him on the cheek.

“So,” he reverted the conversation back to its former subject, “will Stella and Odette need a ride too?”

You took a half-step back. “Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Paul’s voice emitted kindness. You felt a sense of giddiness rolling in. It was unexpected.

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

But the words stung as you said them to the wrong man.

* * *

“Are you comin’ to dinner tonight?”

Brian flicked his eyes up to look at Roger, without moving the rest of his face. “Wasn’t aware of it.”

Roger furrowed his brow. “Y/N didn’t ask you to come?”

Brian’s expression softened. “No.”

“She’s bringing Paul, Stella wanted to meet him.”

“So everyone else has to go?”

“Guess so,” Roger shrugged. “At least Deaky does. He and Paul are mates, or something. Y/N thought it would be best, so it didn’t seem like everyone was against ’im.” He grinned. “Fred and I are just going to see Stella in action.”

“I’m sure it will be nice for you to be on the same side for once.”

“We used to get along! And ’ve been quite civil.”

“You’re not the one who has anything to be discivil about.”

“Eh,” Roger swatted a hand at his companion.

“Haven’t you met Paul already, anyway? At some concert or party?”

“Yeah, but that was just as Deaky’s friend. Besides, ’m more interested in what Y/N sees in him, aren’t you? I mean, if I were in love with someone, I’d want to know what they like. Wouldn’t you?”

Brian hadn’t thought of it like that.

“I’m not in love with Y/N,” Brian grumbled. 

Roger’s mouth dropped in objection. “You’re gonna let this little fling with Almost Perfect erase the last twelve fucking years of your emotional development?”

“Her name is May.” Brian glared. “And since when do you care about my emotional development?”

Roger ignored the question, finding the opportunity to aggravate Brian too tempting. “Why’d you call her Almost Perfect, again? Because she wasn’t quite what you wanted? Who you wanted?” His eyes grew devilish. “What makes you think it’s gonna be different this time?”

“Because it has to be,” Brian answered with a barely perceptible whisper. 

Roger swallowed a thick breath, studying Brian’s angular face. He looked completely disheartened. And the enormous dark circles under his eyes did not help.

“I can’t keep holding out for something intangible.”

“How do you know it’s not worth it? If she means the world to you, then you should give it to her.”

“She doesn’t want me, Roger. Never has.”

“Don’t pretend that she spurned you, Brian. You never said a bloody thing. Could’ve been you shagging her on New Year’s, but it wasn’t, because it was too overwhelming for you. You just had to step outside for some fresh air, leaving Y/N alone.”

“It’s the same every year. And the one time I decide to not wait around to watch her snog some random person she just met, she comes looking for me.”

Roger was losing his patience. “Get over it, man. It was two bloody months ago!” He sighed. “Just be with May, enjoy her while she sticks around. Not every woman is gonna sit by and watch you fall in love with your best friend.”

Brian sunk his head into his hands. “Oh god.”

“What?”

“May. I feel awful.”

“Well, yeah, some part of her must know, right?”

Brian disregarded the question, not wanting to answer. “She’s great, doesn’t deserve me treating her this way.”

“You mean completely ignoring her?”

Brian nodded timidly. “I should do something. Something big.”

Roger phased out of his therapist role, and took on a much more devious one. “For starters, you could bring her to dinner tonight.”

* * *

“What time did he say he’d come to pick us up?”

“Sometime after six, he gets off then.”

“Good, maybe then you’ll not be throwing clothes on at the last minute, like every other time, ever.”

You snickered at the overly-Americanized drawl.

Stella hadn’t looked up from her magazine in at least half an hour. She flipped through with high enthusiasm, scouring for ridiculous trends to gawk at. Odette had fallen ill at the last moment, plagued by migraine. When Stella suggested to stay with her, she only dismissed it by saying “You have to give this Paul guy twice the interrogation,” or so Stella claimed. You sincerely doubted that Odette would ever say that, but you secretly loved when Stella got protective. You just felt bad for the unsuspecting victim of her intensity.

“I always manage to look presentable, don’t I?”

“Always is a strong word, honey.”

You sighed and joined her on the sofa. It caught her attention.

“You know I just mean it in fun, Y/N. No need to get huffy.”

You snapped your head to look at her, confused by her conclusion. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t even listening, Elle.”

Stella put her magazine down on the coffee table. “Are you nervous about dinner or something? It’s not like you’re introducing him to your parents.”

“No, it’s much worse.” You winked at her. “You are much worse.”

She mocked flattery. “Oh, stop it, you.” You gave her a toothy grin before letting your face droop into its previous state. Stella watched you fade away. “Seriously, babe, what’s wrong?” Looking off into the distance, you ran your tongue along the top row of teeth, zoning out. “I didn’t put down my entertainment just for you to ignore me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong.”

Stella affectionately placed one of her large, warm hands on your shoulder, stroking you with her thumb subtly. “Is it work?” You shook your head. “Paul?” You shook your head again. “Is it Brian?” You hesitated before repeating the motion. The brief pause gave Stella all the information she needed. “Did he hang up on you again?” Her words were teasing, but she didn’t let a wisecracking inflection slip.

“No.”

“Did you get in another fight? Seems to be happenin’ quite often.”

“Not really.”

“Not really a fight, or not really often?”

You just nodded.

“Y/N, can you please be direct with me? I’m asking so I can help you.”

“It’s not your job to fix everything, Elle,” you met her dark eyes, smiling at her intentions. “Sometimes Brian’s a stupid little idiot, sometimes I’m a little bit of an idiot, too. I think we’re the ones who ought to do the fixing, yeah?” She didn’t say anything, which you found strange. “No offense,” you quickly added.

Stella looked amused.

“I appreciate that you find me so intimidating that you’re scared your own self deprecation personally offended me, but I promise you, I am okay.” Her face grew sterner. “Although, I don’t condone you calling yourself an idiot.” You smiled meekly. “I was just thinking about how easy it would be to snap his little twiggy body.”

“Stella, please leave Brian alone. I’m sure he has a good explanation for what happened.”

“If you’re so sure, then why haven’t you asked him?”

You knew she had a good point. And you knew the answer to her question: Because I’m afraid to know.

“Haven’t had the chance to talk,” you mumbled begrudgingly.

“Maybe tonight you could pull him aside or—”

“Brian’s not coming,” you spoke more aggressively. It caught her off guard. 

“He wants nothing to do with Paul, eh?” She tried to fight back a grin, but it wasn’t working. You just weren’t paying attention.

“No. I didn’t tell him about dinner.”

“Really?”

You lowered your eyes. “Like I said, we haven’t had the chance to talk.”

Stella was no longer amused. “So what? Are the two of you just finding replacements for the other or something?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Really, Y/N? You’re not just using Paul as a distraction?”

“I’m not using Pa—”

“Can’t handle the fact that there’s something wedging itself between you and Brian that you had to go out and find someone else to give you attention?”

“Stella, you know that’s not it.”

“You sure? Because I’ve seen how the two of you dance around each other, for years. I thought it was worse when you were in Finland, but I was wrong.”

You bit the inside of your cheek, eyes swimming. You didn’t know how to retaliate, or even how to respond.

“Almost Perfect has been in the picture before, but even when you were out of the country you made it all work.”

“He’s made it very clear he needs space,” you managed to spit out.

Stella frowned. “He said that?” Her tone was hushed, like she was suddenly expecting Brian to burst in from the kitchen.

“He didn’t need to.” The thought of it brought small tears to your eyes, but you fought against them, leaving you only a little glassy eyed. 

This was not the conversation you wanted to be having.

Stella could tell.

“So, what time are we getting picked up, again?”

You broke, allowing a tiny smile to form on your otherwise sullen face. “Shut up,” you croaked. It made Stella give a hearty laugh, roping you into the humor as well.

The room felt airier, as if whatever was looming overhead had dispersed into the atmosphere. Stella’s good for that. Chiming sounds of giggling echoed through the flat, filling it up with happiness that hadn’t seemed to be there in a while. The music that had been softly playing was a welcome addition to the symphony. You were glad to be somewhere full of life, of pleasant sounds. You were glad to be home, even if it was just for a little while.

* * *

The restaurant was nicer than you were expecting, and you felt a little underdressed in your blue frock. As you came in through the entrance, you were greeted by the sight of Freddie, John, Veronica, Mary, and Roger, who were all standing around waiting to be seated. You twiddled with the fabric of your dress, standing still for a moment. Veronica was the first to see the three of you by the door and smiled. The others quickly turned their heads to see you, beckoning for you to join the group. Stella led you and Paul to the others.

“You look stunning, dear,” Freddie cooed as he pulled you into a gentle embrace. 

“You always say that,” you whispered playfully. He laughed. You stayed in his arms for a moment, finding his touch comforting. 

“It’s always true.”

After the release, Mary smiled politely from behind his shoulder. You shot her a larger grin, but it was mostly for your own benefit. 

“How was the drive over?”

“Paul’s still in one piece, so I’d say pretty successful,” Roger sneered. Stella rolled her eyes and glared at the slightly shorter man.

Paul timidly cleared his throat. “It was nice.”

“If you say so.” Roger sounded unconvinced, but the twinkle in his eyes made it clear that he was just poking fun.

“How long is the wait?” Stella asked.

“I thought we had a reservation.”

“We’re a bigger party than expected, they estimated about twenty minutes,” John answered. He looked almost apologetic.

You smiled at Deaky, confused by his demeanor. “Good thing we’re in no rush.”

The sound of the door opening came from behind you, but you didn’t think enough of it to turn around. Footsteps echoed through the foyer.

“Room for two more?” A soft, warm voice lilted. 

Your heart skipped a beat at the sweet sound.

Brian appeared next to you, wearing a dark blue blazer and layered silver necklaces. His arm was wrapped around May’s waist, who stood on the other side of him. Neither of you looked at each other.

You swallowed and moved closer to Paul, inching away from the pair.

“Glad you could join us,” Freddie’s tone dripping with sarcasm.

Brian smiled uncomfortably. He scanned the faces around him, eyes landing on Paul before he had the chance to look at you. “Paul, is it?”

Paul’s response was much more genuine. “Yes! Nice to see you again, Brian.” He stuck out a hand to shake, which Brian proceeded to take reluctantly. Everyone could feel the tension, even if they didn’t know why it was there.

“You too.”

“Crazy that Y/N’s your roommate, yeah?” Paul laughed to himself. “Small world.”

Brian looked at you for the first time since he came in. Your eyes met for a split second before you broke away. His gaze lingered. 

Roommates.

The time spent waiting did not last much longer, they called your party over to a more private part of the restaurant. You were sat at a long rectangular table. Stella took one end and Roger sat at the other, with the couples filling in at the spots along the sides. Paul sat at Stella’s end, with you on his left. Veronica and Deaky were next to you. Freddie took the end near Roger, with Mary beside him. That left Brian sitting directly across from you. 

The worst place imaginable, you complained internally. But you were going to be the bigger man, so to speak, and not give him a dramatic confrontation.

Brian’s eyes were glued to the cloth napkin placed neatly in his lap. He could hear May speaking to him at a low volume, and nodded occasionally to simulate interest in what she was saying. She sounded flustered, nervous, even though she had already been around his friends plenty of times before. Brian already regretted the evening.

Across the table, he could see Paul leaning in to whisper something in your ear. Your eyes would widen, or you would giggle at whatever was said. Enchanted—charmed—by this man who was, quite literally, taking his place.

It killed Brian to be sitting on the other side of the table.

But from where you sat, all you could see was some beautiful girl’s hand placed gently on Brian’s arm, speaking in hushed tones as she stroked calmly.

It angered you.

It angered you that he chose her over you, on the night that was always just about the two of you. It angered you that he came without invitation, and brought her along. But mostly, it angered you that he could sit there and act like none of it happened.

Brian was supposed to be your best friend, but lately, he wasn’t much of a friend at all. Too distant, physically. Emotionally.

You were startled by the server asking for your drink order. “Water, please.” The waiter nodded cordially before asking John for his, and so on. You decided to stop obsessing and redirect your focus on your date, who appeared to be getting along with Stella quite well. You rubbed Paul’s shoulder that was closest to you and let a smile cover your face.

“What do you think you’ll order?” Stella asked.

You realized you had forgotten to look at the menu.

“Oh, I don’t know,” you grazed your eyes over the open menu in front of you. “Not in the mood for salad.” You leaned in closer to Paul. “I always have to get a salad.”

“Occupational hazard,” he joked.

“It comes with the vegetarian title.”

May’s ears perked at your comment. “Are you vegetarian, too?”

“Mmhmm, I’m an even better one than Brian,” you snarked. She laughed, maybe a little too hard, but you didn’t say anything.

“It’s true, I confess,” Brian responded. “I do enjoy prawns from time to time.”

“A prawn-etarian, perhaps?” May attempted to riff off the pair of you.

Brian gave a courtesy scoff. “Perhaps.” 

You just smiled.

“So, Paul, how did you meet Y/N?” May turned to look at your companion, who was gazing at you intently.

“Oh,” he breathed as he spoke. “I was visiting my little sister at the hospital, and who should work there but this one.” Paul wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer to kiss your forehead. “And then later that evening, we happened to be at the same New Year’s party, because it turned out her friend John was also my friend John.”

“Small world,” you added in a short manner, reiterating his words from earlier.

“Sparks flew, and I just knew something was going to happen. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking,” Paul paused. Both he and May laughed. “What do you think, sweetie?” 

You tried to shake off the impending grimace. 

“I’d say it was almost mutual.”

The coy comment earned a burst of laughter from several people around the table as the waiter came back with your drinks. You smiled and mouthed “Thank you” as he handed you a glass of water.

“Nothing stronger, Y/N?” Freddie called from the other end of the table. He sounded personally offended. You gave him an unamused glare, followed by you sticking your tongue out at him. He returned the favor. So far, Freddie has been the only one to make you genuinely smile.

May offered Brian a taste of her wine, which he accepted. He had also ordered water, planning on driving home himself, but he figured one sip wouldn’t hurt.

You turned to look at John and Veronica, who were conversing quietly. You could feel a sweet energy bouncing between them, so enamored. It made you sad that you didn’t have the same experience.

At that moment, Paul’s hand rubbed your back as he struck up a conversation with Stella and May. You appreciated the gesture, small and intimate. It made up for the momentary blues. I have someone.

But you didn’t know if he had you.

* * *

The food was delicious. You ended up getting some kind of fancy flatbread, and were looking forward to dessert, eyeing the red velvet cake on the menu. Brian gave you a meaningful look, almost as if to say, “I know what you’re getting.” It was the second time someone had made you genuinely smile all evening.

Paul leaned into you, asking, “Would you like to split the chocolate torte?”

“I kind of have to get the red velvet.” You emphasized it in a way that made it sound like you were being forced against your will. Brian snickered inaudibly. You didn’t detect it.

“Oh? Is that so?”

“Sorry,” you teased, “I don’t make the rules.” You held up your hands in defeat. Paul smirked, and shook his head.

“What a terrible fate.”

Finally, you thought. He’s being sarcastic. Since you’d started seeing each other, you noticed that Paul was acting more docile, more nurturing. You wanted the humor, the sharp comments. It’s only the honeymoon phase. That’s one of the reasons why you hated beginning new relationships. 

They never feel real.

“Red velvet is the way to her heart,” Stella joked, flashing a wink at Paul.

Brian scoffed to himself, but this time you could hear it. You looked at him, but when you did, he was just enjoying his food. With an arm around May.

“Got something to say?” You asked him, pretending to be jocose, but you meant to be interrogatory.

Brian looked up at you, giving doe eyes. “Hmm? No.” He touched his throat. “Just a little cough.”

You didn’t buy it, but decided to ignore it anyway.

“I guess I’ll know better than to ask about chocolate tortes next time.”

You looked at Paul, who was already watching you. You planted a kiss on his cheek, smearing a thin layer of lipstick on his face. He was pleasantly surprised.

“I appreciate the offer though,” you tapped your hand against his chest lightly.

The gesture made Brian tense up.

“Well, I appreciate your appreciation,” Paul replied in a cheeky manner, wiggling his eyebrows. It made you laugh.

Roger saw the interactions from a farther distance. He saw the way Brian’s head drooped when you tapped Paul’s chest, the way your jaw tightened when you saw Brian’s arm around May. In the process of it all happening, he was uncharacteristically quiet. 

Freddie noticed Roger’s silence and followed his line of sight, then nodded in understanding, picking up on the tension. Paul and May were blissfully unaware, too wrapped up in their partners to see the little things.

And you and Brian were too wrapped up in your fixations to really pay attention to each other.

Feeling the need to do something, Freddie began to tap his glass and stood up. Everyone’s gaze fell on him. His eyes glittered beautifully.

“I would like to say that it’s wonderful to see a group of such darling people come together.” He beamed at the faces of his friends surrounding him. “The amount of affection in this room is astounding, and I adore every single one of you. For being open and emotional and kind.” His smile broadened. “As well as for a number of other reasons. So, thank you all for being here to share it with the rest of us.” 

Freddie looked down and rubbed his nose, like he was trying to think of what to say next. 

“To relationships,” he raised his glass a little higher. “Both old,” he gestured to Mary, “and new,” he scanned the cheerful faces of the other couples in acknowledgement. 

“To finding the love of your life,” Freddie winked at Veronica and John, who were tangled up in each other.

He moved his attention to the other end of the table, where you were seated. Brian’s eyes glazed over as he realized where this was heading, and heard the last words depart from Freddie’s mouth: “To falling in love with your best friend.”

Brian’s cheeks grew rosy, his mouth dry.

He hoped it would go over your head. And it did, but for a different reason.

Because it never occurred to you that, in all the years since you left for Finland, you could still love Brian May. You had missed the moment, it was the end of the story. 

You couldn’t even think about it. Still too sore a subject.

Especially since Almost Perfect was sitting across from you with her hand holding his.

“Cheers, dears,” Freddie held out his glass. The rest of you did the same, followed by an echoing chorus of “Cheers”.

Paul tenderly brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. You closed your eyes and leaned into his warmth.

“I think I want to be your girlfriend,” you mused aloud. While it was said at a low volume, Brian heard every word.

And with every word, his heart broke a little more.

“If you’ll have me,” you added, opening your eyes.

Paul hummed into your hair as he placed his lips at the top of your head. “You don’t want to talk about it?”

With a short pause, you came to a decision.

“I don’t need to think about it anymore.”

You sat up and stroked his face.

“I just need you.”

Brian was slain.

_______________

March 8

You groaned at the sound of your alarm.

4 a.m.

Too fucking early.

The coziness of your own bed was too enticing.

It had been one of the rare nights where you slept alone, in your flat. Paul had been spending time with his family out of town, which you happily embraced on his last night away.

Not that you didn’t want to spend time with him.

But he couldn’t compare to home.

You wrestled with the blankets for half a second, before finding yourself falling out of bed. It wasn’t a long drop, but it did make a loud sound. Thank god I’m alone.

However, Brian was awoken by your tumble. He jolted up and shuffled down the hallway to locate the source of the sound, but was certain it came from your room.

Silently praying you weren’t with Paul, he swung open the door, and saw you laughing to yourself as you were pulling your body up, with the bed as your support.

You looked up at him. His eyes sparkled in the darkness.

“Y/N? Are you alright?” Brian’s voice was scratchy from lack of use, but it still maintained its softness.

“I’m okay. Just fell out of bed.” You hoisted yourself into a standing position. “Sorry to wake you. Didn’t know you were here.”

He took a step closer to you. “You make it sound like you fell on purpose.”

You smirked at him. He smells nice.

“What?” He asked, almost defensively.

“Nothing,” you answered, feeling a wave of breathlessness. Tearing your eyes away from Brian’s face, you pretended as though you’d just thought of the question, “No May?”

Brian didn’t respond verbally, but rather with a quick shake of the head.

The air fell dead for a few moments. It wasn’t awkward, which gave you a small amount of joy. Things felt normal between you two.

Brian cleared his throat. “Are you coming tonight?” He asked weakly, referring to the first concert promoting their second album.

“I want to.”

He smiled in a way that made your heart ache.

“But I don’t know if I can.”

“Work?” He tried to cover up the hurt.

You nodded “I have to be up early again tomorrow. And the show’s out of town…”

“Right.”

You took a step closer to Brian. “You know I want to be there for all the big moments. And the little ones.” You could feel yourself tearing up, but you didn’t know why. “But I can’t always be. I’d love nothing more.” A tear slipped down your cheek. “I just can’t.”

Suddenly it felt like you weren’t talking about the concert anymore.

“Hey,” he whispered, reaching out to wipe away the droplet. “Don’t—”

“I’m sorry,” you choked. Brian pulled you to him, keeping you close. Safe in his arms. 

The smell of sage filled your senses. The smell of home.

--January 11, 1964--

“It’s cold.”

“Gee, really?”

You scowled at Brian, who was laying in the grass below you as you were standing and shivering. “You’re the one who suggested I get out of bed at eleven o’clock at night. In bloody January.”

“But it’s a beautiful night.” He extended his arm up to the sky.

The cold light of the constellations twinkled down upon you, millions of them shining from so far away. You had to admit, it was all so breathtaking.

“I’ll give you my jumper,” Brian spoke softly. You peered down at him. He was blinking slowly as he studied your face in the starlight. Hopeful.

“You don’t have to do that, Bri.” You hugged your arms tighter around your body. “Then you’ll be cold.”

He batted a hand in your direction. “I’ve got layers.” You couldn’t contain the snort that escaped into the air. It only seemed to encourage him. “And if you sit next to me, I’ll be fine.”

You squinted at him, not sure about his solution.

“I promise,” Brian insisted. “Body heat is a great way to warm up.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded solemnly. “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.” You cocked your head, implying that you thought otherwise. “Oh, c’mon! ’M not that mean.”

The look on Brian’s face was the greatest factor in convincing you, it was an expression of plea. You nodded in cession and moved to sit on the ground beside your friend. He scooted over slightly so he could pull off the brown jumper without elbowing you somehow. In doing so, the grabby material of the jumper pulled up the hem of the shirt he wore underneath, exposing some of his midriff to the chilly winter air. But he paid it no mind, and handed you the large garment. You slipped it on over your head, and nestled into the warmth left over from Brian.

He patted the small patch of grass next to him, suggesting that you join him. You obliged, and leaned up against him.

“It is beautiful,” you affirmed aloud. Brian smiled down at you, but your eyes were now transfixed on the skies above.

“Told you so.”

You adjusted so you could look at him face to face. He stifled the whine that rose in his throat as your body moved away from his, already missing your touch.

“How often do you come out here?”

Brian exhaled, causing the air to fog up around his face. “Just when I need reminding of how beautiful life can be.”

You smiled at his comment. “You’re odd.”

“And it’s one of your favorite things about me,” he puffed out his chest.

“Are you implying that I like more than one thing about you?”

He mimicked insult. “How dare you. ’Ve got many good qualities.”

“Oh?” You raised an eyebrow in feigned surprise. “Like what?”

“You like my cooking.”

“Like is a strong word.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Alright. What about my charm?”

You bobbed your head. “That’s one.” He could feel himself begin to blush, and thanked the frosty weather for making his face red anyway.

“Humor?”

“That’s two.”

“See? I’ve got many good qualities that you appreciate.”

“No,” you argued. “You only named three. Three is not many.”

He frowned. “Then how many do you want?”

You considered it for a moment. “Six? Maybe seven?”

“Really? There are seven whole things you like about me?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I didn’t even know I had seven qualities.”

You playfully flapped your hand against his chest, trying to get him to continue. It made you happy when Brian said nice things about himself, but it so seldom happens organically that you had to push to get it out of him.

“Four more, Mister May.” You held up four fingers and wiggled them tauntingly.

He groaned. “Alright, give me a second.” He dropped his head back, thinking. Humming.

You held up a hand to hide your giddy grin, playing it off as you just holding the wool to your face to warm up.

Brian held up four fingers. “Music taste?” 

You nodded, not really thinking of it as a personal quality, but decided music was such an important part of him that it would be wrong to say no. 

“Love of animals?” 

You held up five fingers, wiggling them in anticipation. 

“Hmm,” he stopped to think again. “Passion?”

“Fine, I’ll allow it.”

He pursed his lips. “You have a problem with my passion?”

“No,” you squeezed his hand. “I admire it.”

“Then what’s with the ‘fine’?”

“It’s just so blanket.”

“Excuse me?” He tilted his head, confused.

“Like a blanket term. Everyone has passion, I’m looking for things more unique to you.”

“So ‘charm’ wasn’t a blanket term?”

You couldn’t hide your grin anymore. “You want me to subtract one?”

Brian sighed. “No.”

“Give me two more. Good ones.”

“You drive me crazy,” he muttered.

“That’s why you love me,” you beamed. 

Brian froze, unsure of how to respond, but you didn’t see his panic stricken face. When he realized this, he relaxed a bit.

“Okay. Um, I built a guitar with my dad. That’s pretty unique.”

“I’d say that’s the definition of unique.”

“Really? I hadn’t the faintest idea that unique meant that.”

You rolled your eyes and pushed his chest lightly. “You stupid genius.”

“That’s seven! I’m a genius!”

“Don’t cheat, I said it.”

“So there are more than seven things you like about me?”

“Oh god!” You shoved your head into your hands. “It wasn’t supposed to be this difficult.”

Brian’s heart fluttered in his chest. With a shaky voice, he joked, “So, you did have an ulterior motive,” but it cut out about halfway through his sentence. It didn’t matter, you knew him well enough to know what he said.

“Shut up.”

“Sorry.”

You returned to your position leaning up against his torso, closed your eyes, and tilted your head back into the crook between his shoulder and neck.

“Which one’s your favorite?”

Brian turned his sights to the stars, taking them in. “I’ve always been quite partial to Dorado.”

You opened one eye. “Which one is that?”

He pointed it out to you. “The dolphinfish.”

“Beautiful.” You closed your eyes again, simply enjoying the peaceful moment. Just you, Brian, and the stars.

“What about you?”

“My favorite constellation?”

“Mmhmm.”

You opened your eyes fully. “I don’t know which ones are out this time of year.”

Brian shrugged. “Wasn’t my question.”

“Alright,” you said hesitantly. “I like Canis Major.”

He nodded. “You’ve always loved dogs.”

“That’s why we’re going to have a herd of them in our house.”

“The more the better.”

“Exactly. You get me.” You sank further into your relaxation, curling up your legs near the rest of your body, and placed a hand on Brian’s chest.

Though he knew it wasn’t the intent behind your words, it sounded like you were saying that one day he would finally get to love you like he always wanted. That maybe the outcome of everything would be you and him.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?” You lazily laced your fingers around Brian’s, marveling at the delicateness of his hands, admiring them. So slender and dexterous. The tips of his fingers were rough with guitar calluses, but everywhere else they were smooth to the touch.

His breath hitched in his throat. “Do you think you’ll ever get married?”

Bit off topic there, isn’t it, mate?

“I don’t know,” you said simply. “I’d only do it for love.”

Brian chuckled. “Isn’t that why most people do it?”

You shrugged, not moving your focus from his hand. “I mean, I’d want to know that whoever he was loved me endlessly, and that I love him back endlessly. Yeah?”

“Makes sense.”

“Of course it does. I’m very sensical.”

“You mean ‘sensible’?”

“No. I mean sensical.” You dropped his hand gently. “Why’d you ask?”

“Just making sure you knew what you said.”

You shifted in your spot. “Not that.”

“Oh, the marriage thing?” You nodded slowly. “Just came to mind, y’know? Talking about our house.”

“I would never live with another man in our house, Bri.”

“You’d leave your husband for me?” He perked up. “The one you’d love endlessly?”

“Of course, easily.” 

“Why?” His heart was beating fast, and he hoped you couldn’t feel it.

“No matter how much I love him, I’ll always love you a little more.”

Abruptly, you sat up in realization.

“I’m not cold anymore, would you like your jumper back? You must be freezing.”

He looked at you, moony eyed. “Oh, no. I’m fine.”

“Seriously?”

Brian cleared his throat.

“You can keep it. It’s yours, love.”

You smiled secretly, taking in the gentle scent of sage.

--1974--

“I have to get to work, Bri. ’M sorry.”

Brian relinquished his hold on you. “I could drive you.”

“No, thank you.” You held a hand to his chest. “You need to rest.”

“One less hour of sleep won’t kill me. Don’t sleep much anyway.”

You observed the dark circles under his eyes. “I really think you should go back to sleep, or at least try to.”

“But—”

“No. I am happy with taking the train.”

His arms fell limp at his sides, defeated. “I’ll barely get to see you as the tour picks up.”

You sighed. “I’ll do everything I can to come tonight, alright?” Brian nodded half-heartedly. “Sunderland?”

“Yes. Seven thirty.”

“Okay,” you started to move him back through the bedroom door so you could change into your uniform. “I hope to see you then.” You shut it with a smile.

* * *

Setting up for the gig didn’t take very long, Brian’s equipment took less time than he anticipated, so all he had to do was sit and wait. He bounced his legs anxiously, wanting time to pass more quickly. The others moved around busily as he remained still, watching the seconds tick away on the clock facing him.

After watching for a few minutes, Deaky made his way to where Brian was frozen.

“Something on your mind?”

Brian looked at the brunet standing before him, peeling his eyes from the clock. “No.”

Deaky pursed his lips. “You’re not good at hiding things, d’you know that?”

“I’ve nothing to hide.”

John sat on the chair beside Brian. “So, you’re a nervous wreck over nothing?” Brian didn’t answer, and stared at his hands instead. Deaky have a small smile. “She’ll come.”

“May’s not seeing a show until next week.”

“You know that’s not who I’m talking about.”

Brian fiddled his fingers with a newfound concentration, trying to avoid the subject. 

He had told Deaky everything after Deaky explained what happened between you and him. How New Year’s came to be. Brian needed to know you didn’t sleep with John, and when satisfied with the answer, he spilled the beans.

Everything.

Maybe even more than Roger knew.

“She’s got work,” Brian mumbled.

John tutted. “You really don’t know Y/N at all, do you?” Brian finally brought his eyes up to meet Deaky’s, befuddled. “She’ll get here, or die trying.”

“It’s a lot to ask. She’s always doing incredible things, working with children, curing their ailments. And all I can think about is if she’ll catch my gig.” Brian scoffed at his own audacity. “What am I doing?”

“You’ve found yourself caught between Perfect and Almost.” John teased affectionately. “What is there to do?”

Brian grinned out of amusement.

It felt wrong to compare you and May. But he knew it was true for him.

“Loving your best friend is hard,” he whispered, scared any of the passers by might hear.

Deaky became lost in his own thoughts, envisioning Veronica. “I’d say it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

Brian smiled for his friend. “Already?”

“Yes.”

“I’m happy for you, Deaks.” He patted John’s shoulder.

Deaky returned the favor. “And I, you.”

“Why? Because I always find ways to make everything increasingly difficult for myself?”

“You’re a persistent bastard, Brian,” John retorted.

“You’re happy because of that? You hate it when—”

“It’ll happen. You’ll make it happen, somehow.”

Brian slumped his shoulders. “Nothing can happen. She’s got Paul, I’m with May. And she doesn’t feel that way.”

“This thing with Paul is just a drop in the bucket. I doubt anything will come of it.”

“That doesn’t change anything for me, John.”

Deaky got up from his seat, laughing to himself. “Y/N loves you infinitely, and it shows. You just have to look in the right places.” Then he strolled away. But Brian wasn't paying enough attention to watch him leave, because he was hung up on the words Deaky had spoken. 

Infinitely. 

Endlessly.

Time finally seemed to move faster for him. Before he knew it, it was time to congregate backstage to prepare for the performance.

“Ready to kick this thing off?” Freddie stood proud, hands on his hips, in the middle of the dressing room. 

Roger nodded enthusiastically while the poor hairstylist was trying to fix his hair. 

John wasn’t listening, but bobbed his head anyway. 

Brian started playing with his curls, nervous. He was jittery, feeling energy bouncing through his extremities. Then a bolt of pain expanded in his abdomen.

“Ah fuck,” he whispered as he clutched the area troubling him.

Freddie saw it happen, and marched over quickly. “Are you alright, Brian?”

Brian gave a short nod, lips clenched tightly. “Yes.”

“You don’t look it, dear.” Freddie put the back of his hand up to Brian’s forehead. “Feel a little warm.”

Brian swatted at him to move. “I’m fine, Fred.”

Roger got up to see what was happening, and upon seeing the concern on Freddie’s face, asked, “Nauseated?”

“No,” Brian groaned. “Just nervous, perhaps?”

“Doubt it, mate. You don’t get stage fright.”

“And it doesn’t normally result in a fever,” Freddie added.

“I said I’m fine.”

Freddie and Roger exchanged glances.

“I promise.”

Roger was the first to cave. “If you say so…”

“But if you start to feel worse,” Freddie began to instruct, “you need to let someone know.” Brian nodded subtly in agreement, swallowing shallowly.

“Don’t say anything to Y/N when she gets here, though.”

“Why the hell shouldn’t we?”

“She’ll get worried over nothing.”

“She’s a medical professional. If she’s worried about something, it probably means there’s something wrong with you.”

Brian shifted his weight, unsure of how to rebut. He came up with nothing, so he just gave a pleading look. “Please don’t.”

Freddie curled his lip. “Fine.”

“If he dies, it’s on you,” Roger whispered.

The door to the dressing room swung open. Everyone looked up expectantly, thinking it might be you (or any of their significant others), but it was just one of the stage crew members. “You’re on in ten.” He slammed the door behind him. The noise echoed throughout the otherwise quiet room.

“Drink some water,” Roger snipped at Brian. “Maybe take an aspirin.” 

Brian complied.

A soft knock followed shortly after, but nobody moved to get it. With a sigh, Deaky got up from his seat to answer. He smiled at the sight of Veronica. She pulled him out into the hallway with her to converse privately.

After a few quiet minutes a loud call was made, telling John, and effectively the others, the band had to move side stage. Brian rubbed his eyes, trying to ease the dull ache behind them. 

Roger clapped a hand to his bandmate’s shoulder, cheering him on. “Let’s do this.”

Brian pried open his eyes and carefully moved to the doorway, following Freddie and Roger’s bouncing gaits in a slower fashion.

Exiting the room, the three of them saw Deaky kissing Veronica sweetly, arms entangled. Freddie coughed. They turned to look at him. He grinned, pleased with himself. “Duty calls, John.”

As a group, the five of them navigated the corridors of the venue. Veronica noticed Brian moving like death, and whispered something into Deaky’s ear. He nodded in confirmation. Veronica then smiled tenderly and turned to Brian. “She’ll be here.” Brian could only muster a small grin, but the words meant more to him than he expressed.

But the time until it started was running out, and you were still nowhere to be seen.

“And now, we here at the Locarno are proud to present…”

The announcement was being made. You were out of time.

“Queen!”

Applause erupted through the venue, screams filling to the rafters. 

Freddie led the group onstage, strutting about in his outlandish attire. 

John went second, keeping his bass close to his body, a grand smile stretching across his face.

Roger waved, showing off his physique, making some girls in the front chant his name. He gave a wink and twirled the drumstick in his left hand.

Brian entered last, holding a firm grip on the neck of his Old Lady. He flashed a grin to the audience, giving a small thumbs up. The problems from real life had to melt away, so he pushed your absence and the bout of physical anguish as far from his thoughts as possible.

Once they hit their positions, they started playing the opening to “Keep Yourself Alive” as a unit.

Brian eased into the performance more as it progressed, gracefully transitioning from one song to another. He felt a desire to push harder, relieve the underlying tension somehow. When “Liar” began, it gave him the perfect opportunity. He struck a firm stance, gearing up to play as strongly as he could. 

The only thing that ruined his focus was a beam of light coming from backstage. Brian quickly turned to look at the source, and found you opening the door to get into the wing. You came. He couldn’t let his playing falter, but just knowing you were there gave him the boost he needed to kick off the song in the right way. He ripped his eyes away from the sight of you, a newfound glint in his eyes.

What Brian didn’t see was Paul trailing behind you. Not until “Liar” came to an end, after its epic 10 minute rendition, when he dared to give you a smile. Your face was lit up, infatuated by the dazzling performance. But at that moment, all he could see was the man whose arms were wrapped tight around your waist.

The color drained from him face.

And Brian wished he hadn’t begged you to come.

_______________

April 13

“Excited?”

Deaky looked up from his lunch. “For what?”

You and Veronica shared a glance and laughed. “America, John,” she cooed, a sunny expression dancing across her face.

“I s’pose I should be. We do leave tomorrow.”

Paul straightened up in his seat next to you, in the booth. Once you two had started dating officially, he started to accompany you to your regular lunches with John and Veronica. “What’s the first stop?”

“Denver,” Deaky replied, voice squeaking slightly. “Don’t really know how they’ll react over there.”

You stole one of your boyfriend’s chips and chewed the tip off, then pointed it at John. “They’ll love you, John. Don’t worry.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Deaky raised his eyebrows, “just thinking out loud.”

Veronica tore her eyes away from him to face you, as she sat directly across the table. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and you could tell a question was forming in her mind. “So, how’s Brian feeling about it?”

You finished the singular chip and grabbed another from Paul’s plate without looking. “I think he’s ecstatic.”

“You don’t sound so sure.” Veronica tilted her head innocuously. 

You didn’t know how to respond. “We haven’t really talked about it much.”

“That’s unusual.”

John motioned for Veronica to stop whatever she was doing, but she ignored him.

“Not particularly. We’re busy people, you know. It happens.” You took a sip from your water glass. “Though, it’ll be strange to not have anyone to come home to for a while.” Paul rubbed your back, reminding you that he was there. “At least, not who I’ve grown accustomed to,” you added shortly thereafter.

“Haven’t grown accustomed to me yet?” He teased, continuing his smooth strokes on your spine.

You looked up at his goofy face, and gave an awkward chuckle. “No offense, dear, but I’d say seeing someone for four months is not quite equivalent to twenty years of friendship.”

Paul took a beat, biting his bottom lip in thought. “You’ve known Brian for twenty years?”

“Eh. It’s been more like…” You had to do the math in your head. “...Twenty five? Somewhere around there.”

He whistled, impressed. “I had no clue.”

You simpered. “It’s a lot to compete with.”

Deaky leaned forward, muttering, “Believe me, I know.” Veronica scoffed at the quiet comment, but you just rolled your eyes. Paul was confused by the implications, and you all could tell. John blew out, then elaborated. “I had a little thing for Y/N before I met Veronica.”

She scoffed again. “I’d say it was more than a little thing. Went on for years.”

You propped your head up on the palm of your hand, intrigued. “Really, now. Years?”

Deaky blushed. “I liked you when I met you.”

“And you’re not jealous?” Paul asked Veronica, astounded. She just giggled and shrugged. 

John gazed at her with overwhelming affection, taking in her beautiful features. “Well, I loved you when I met you,” he said at a low volume. She kissed his cheek gingerly, and they lost themselves in each other’s eyes.

You sighed, adoring your friends. Observing the gentle glow that emanated from them when they were together. Admiring the little touches of their pinkies when their hands were side by side.

Paul glanced at you, hoping you would say something. Maybe that you loved him. Maybe that Brian was nothing to be jealous of. But you didn’t notice his stare, and you didn’t say anything.

_______________

April 14

“It’s strange to have you drive me to the airport,” Brian said. “I always had to drop you off after you came to visit.”

You laughed. “My, the tables have turned.” 

He didn’t look away from you the entire drive. He couldn’t. Wanted to have a clear image of your face, just for good measure. Wanted to memorize you.

“What’s weird to me,” you continued, “is that you’re not leaving at the wee small hours of the morning.”

“It helps that the flight to Denver is much shorter than the one to Melbourne.”

“I’m sure it does,” you beamed. 

It occurred to you that Brian was leaving the country. For weeks. Something about it made you feel hollow. Even though things had been rough lately, at the end of the day, he was still your best friend. Your favorite person to talk to.

You held out a hand by your leg, hoping Brian would catch your meaning. He did, and held your smaller hand in his. You traced your pinky around the silver ring you had gotten him for Christmas. The thought of him keeping that reminder of you with him everywhere brought you great comfort. He’s not going to forget me. He’s not going to forget me. He’s not…

“May didn’t want to come?”

Brian seemed caught off guard by your question. “What?”

You pulled your hand away from his. “She didn’t want to come to the airport to see you off?”

“Oh.” That’s not what he thought you meant. “She hates airports. Can’t stand ’em.”

“Said goodbye yesterday, then?”

“Didn’t see her yesterday.”

“Not even before we watched The Sky at Night?”

“No.”

The fact that you were the one to accompany Brian made you feel giddy. Well, maybe not giddy. But you felt a bubble of pride welling up in your chest. Excitement. Satisfaction.

“How’s she getting along with the others?”

Brian bit his lower lip. “They like her.”

“I can understand why,” you responded without a hint of sarcasm. “She’s beautiful and charming.”

“I suppose she is.”

You looked away from the road to give him a glare. “What do you mean, you ‘suppose’? She’s your bloody girlfriend.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it. Just agreeing.”

“Are you planning on breaking up with her?” You didn’t mean to sound so interrogative, but something about the way he spoke about her threw you off.

“What?” Brian’s face was red, flustered by the sudden escalation in conversation. “No!”

Oh.

A pit formed in your stomach. 

“Alright. No need to get twitchy.”

“I’m not being twitchy.”

“Sorry I brought her up.” You didn’t take your eyes off the road again.

Brian noticed the subtle shift in your disposition. You sounded almost hurt, but he couldn’t put his finger on why. He couldn’t bring himself to consider the possibility of jealousy, even though it was all he hoped for. Maybe you were just offended by his nonchalance about May. 

Your hardened face staring at the road made Brian feel guilty despite not knowing what he did. He missed you, and not just now, but always. Every minute he’s gone from you, not laughing with you.

Every minute with May was only a distraction for him.

Meanwhile, you were trying to convince yourself Paul was more than that.

* * *

The airport was busier than you would have liked. If it hadn’t been for Brian’s looming stature, you were certain that you would have been jostled around by the rushing hordes. He escorted you through the flood of people, keeping his arm firm on the small of your back. Like always. You smiled. Maybe some things never change.

You approached the gate, and saw that Brian’s group had already formed. Everyone except for Freddie was standing in a circle, talking among themselves. 

Veronica had her head resting on Deaky’s shoulder, with his arm holding her waist. Roger stood talking to a pair of roadies, laughing loudly.

Brian coughed, informing everyone that you had arrived. They opened up the circle enough for you two to squeeze in, Brian next to Roger, and you next to Veronica. She smiled warmly at you, moving from her position draped on John to see you better.

“No May, Brian?” She asked. 

Brian shook his head. “No, it’s only me and my two Old Ladies.” He lifted his guitar case and tilted his head at you.

“I resent the implication,” you huffed, but the comment actually gave you a happy feeling inside.

“Guess that makes Brian your old man, eh, Y/N?” Roger chimed in.

You rolled your eyes. How original. We’re like an old married couple. 

“When’s the flight, exactly?”

“Another half hour or so,” John answered, looking at his wristwatch.

Brian itched his nose. “Fred better hurry up and get here, then.”

“He always does,” a voice said from behind you. Freddie grinned as he wormed his way between you and Brian, wrapping an arm around each of your shoulders. “Good thing, too, or else you would all be lost without me.”

“It’s true.” You agreed, then kissed Freddie on the cheek.

He looked up at Brian, smirking. “I still like this one,” Freddie said in reference to you.

Brian glared at him, before saying, “I do too.” Freddie looked pleased that he could tease Brian so well, while remaining undetected. You were none the wiser.

“I think we’ve all grown quite partial,” Roger contributed, picking up on Freddie’s scheme. 

John and Veronica simply stifled their laughter, not wanting to make the situation worse for Brian.

It all went over your head.

You looked to Veronica, intending to change the subject. “Are you going with them?”

She shook her head. “Not yet. But maybe later in the tour. Are you?”

“Didn’t want to leave work for so long, so I told Brian I’d only go to America if they’re headlining. He wasn’t so pleased, but I think he’ll be fine without me.”

“Maybe next time,” she smiled.

“Maybe.”

_______________

April 20

You rattled the keys as you came up to the apartment, exhaustion nearly taking over your senses. Work had seemed to last longer than usual. 

Your old pal Arthur was overwhelming, asking questions about your new boyfriend, whom you refused to introduce to any coworkers. Doctor Tead made the same casually sexist comments you’d come to expect. And now, you just wanted to sit at home alone. Company from any other person in the world sounded daunting.

Well, all but one. But he wasn’t even in the country.

You put on the kettle to boil some tea water. You were in the mood for some Earl Grey. Brian had replenished the supply before he left, and until now, it never crossed your mind.

The honey was put on the highest shelf in the cupboard, much to your chagrin. You groaned to yourself as you ineptly pulled your body up onto the counter, kicking and wiggling until you were stable on the surface. It winded you much more than you’d care to admit, so you took a moment to breathe and sit there.

With a second wind, you shifted onto your knees and reached up to grab the small jar of honey. Brian restocked that, too.

Getting down was much easier. You bounced off from the counter just as the kettle began to whistle. In pouring the boiling hot water with both hands, you accidentally pressed a finger to the metal. You removed the affected hand to suck on the finger that had been burned. It wasn’t painful enough to do anything more for it. With a spoon, you scooped some of the honey from its container and mixed it into the hot water.

As you spun around to get the milk, you heard the phone ringing. It’s almost midnight, you whined to yourself, and walked into the living room to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Y/N?”

The annoyance dissolved. “Brian?”

“I’m sorry, love, did I wake you?”

The sound of his voice alone made the exhaustion from your day disappear. Warm. Gentle. Kind. You always thought a person’s voice could tell you something about them, and Brian always supported that theory.

“I actually just got home from work.”

“You sound exhausted.” He sounded concerned. You pictured him with a furrowed brow and his mouth in a slight frown.

“Eh, ’ve been worse.” You bit the inside of your cheek. “And I’m better now that I’m talking to you.”

Brian’s tone perked up instantly. “Miss me already?”

I haven’t stopped missing you in months. “I’d have to say I do.”

“I appreciate the honesty.” You could hear the grin in his timbre.

“Where are you tonight?”

“Memphis, then on to New Orleans tomorrow.”

“I’ve always wanted to go there...” You trailed off wistfully.

“Next time, remember? 

“Only if—”

“We’ll be headliners, said so yourself.”

“I did say that. And what’s more, I believe it.”

“You always did.” Brian’s voice sounded melancholic. Something wasn’t being said, but you both could feel it.

“What time is it there?” You had dipped into a whisper unconsciously, matching the mood.

“A little before six.”

“In the morning?!”

A gentle tut came from the other end. “No, silly.” You blushed at the playful remark. A short pause befell the line, but Brian shortly came in again before you could say anything. “Is Paul there with you?”

You hugged your legs against your body. “I’m going solo tonight.”

“Sounds nice.”

You took a deep breath. “I really do miss you, Bri.” It hurt, how much you meant it.

“Do you have to go?” His inflection gave away his disappointment.

“Oh, no,” you responded, feeling bad for giving the wrong impression. “There's no place I’d rather be.”

You ended up talking to Brian until he had to go, not even thinking about the international call rates. It was all worth it. When he hung up, you felt a buzzing surge in your body. Every hardship from the past week had slipped far away from your mind. And in your tranquil state, you made your way to bed, tea long forgotten.

_______________

April 21

The show had gone magnificently. Freddie and Roger were practically bouncing with every movement they made. Even Deaky was thrilled. And when one of the roadies suggested they go out for a drink, they all agreed enthusiastically. Only Brian was reluctant.

He made a quick call to May earlier on in the evening, apologizing for not talking in a few days. Of course, she was understanding. She was always understanding. And that made him feel worse. About the phone calls, yes, but mostly about you. He had no problem finding the time to speak to you.

He had no problem loving you.

However, the others convinced Brian that a night out was what he needed, despite his argument, “Every night on the tour is a night out.” They pulled him from the hotel, and got in the limo.

“Forget about May, May,” Roger pushed. “You don’t have to feel guilty about who you talk to.”

“I should at least try to have my girlfriend be one of them.”

“Why? You’ve already got your future wife on the list.”

“Rog, shut up about Y/N.”

“I will when you do.”

Freddie snorted at the pair of them going at it. “Children, calm down.” It deescalated the situation. “We’re here to enjoy ourselves, get lost in the night, alright?” They nodded begrudgingly. “The problems of real life exist out here, but when we go in, let them go.” The driver pulled up to a dark, gritty bar with a line that wrapped around the block. Roger and John groaned at the sight of the people, but Freddie, ever the optimist, smiled at the crowd. “Must be the right place.”

They somehow managed to forgo the queue and skip to the front, getting in as VIPs. 

Roger insisted it was his good looks. Deaky suggested it was the wad of cash Freddie handed the bouncer. 

They agreed to disagree.

Upon getting into the bar, Brian made a beeline to the empty corner. His head was hurting, and he didn’t want to say anything to the others. Lucky for him, there was an open loveseat away from the action.

A scantily clad waitress, with a genuine smile on her face, came by to ask what he wanted to drink.

“Water, for the headache,” Brian said over the loud music.

“Anything else?”

He thought about it for a second. “And something for the heartache.” The waitress’s smile faltered into one of pity, and hurried off to get his order. Brian leaned back into the chair, rubbing his temples rhythmically, wincing every so often.

An electrifying woman noticed the beautiful man with a pained expression. She had overheard what he said to the waitress, and with each moment, grew more intrigued. She watched the waitress scurry back with a tray carrying two drinks, and Brian accepting them. 

The sadness behind his hazel eyes melted her heart.

When the waitress was gone, the woman moved from her seat and took careful steps towards the loveseat, not wanting to disturb the stranger.

Brian looked up as he heard footsteps coming in his direction. 

His new companion smiled down at him, tenderly. “Are you okay?”

Brian swallowed heavily, struck by her beauty. “I’ve been better.”

“Haven’t we all, hon.” It wasn’t a question, but a matter of fact. “What are you doing here?”

“Needed a night out.”

She hummed, unsure. “Did you want a night out?” Brian shook his head vigorously. She laughed, which made him ease up a little bit more. “What’s your name, honey?”

“I’m Brian.”

She stuck her hand out, batting her eyelashes without being too forward.

“Peaches.”

_______________

May 11

The train ride from work felt shorter than usual. Maybe it was because you didn’t feel as worn out as you typically were. Whatever the reason, you didn’t mind. It was just before sunset, and the sky looked more exquisite than it had in weeks. You took in the sweet springtime air as you stepped out of the train car, dazzled by the fresh scent of flora surrounding you. It was a day more beautiful than most.

You meandered down the street where you lived, admiring the plant life on the way. Everywhere you looked, it was green and lush.

Nothing would be able to swipe the smile from your face on this day.

* * *

Brian held his head in his hands, the nausea had crept up on him out of nowhere. He had taken a long nap in his hotel room, but couldn’t shake the feeling no matter what he did. Even the aspirin stopped working. He sloughed the covers off and rolled out of bed, walking on aching, spindly legs to the bathroom. The stream of cold water felt refreshing on his hands, and even more so on his burning face.

A booming knock came at the main door of the suite.

Brian wiped his face dry with a clean hand towel and left to answer it.

“Hello, darling.” Freddie was a welcome sight. He always radiated comfort and cheer. Brian extended his arm, welcoming Freddie into his space, but Freddie shook his head. “I’ve just come to see if you were still alive.”

“Barely,” Brian joked in a weak voice, rubbing his sore arm unconsciously.

“Better than not at all!” Freddie gave a smile, but it was out of concern rather than joy. “Can I do anything for you? Make you feel better?”

“I’m alright, Fred.”

Freddie was dismayed. “Can anyone do anything for you?”

Brian shook his head slowly. “Peace and quiet would be nice. I think I should be fine if I’m just left alone until the show.”

“Oh, so you weren’t really inviting me in?” Freddie teased. Brian’s face broke into a small, lethargic grin.

“I would, if you were going to act like a normal person.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ve all been treating me like some fragile thing. I’m alright, really.”

“You don’t look the part, dear.”

Brian bit his lip and frowned, thinking. 

You didn’t know there was something going on. Your voice would light up every time he called, thrilled to speak with him. No matter the time difference, you were happy just to hear him talk. It gave Brian a warm feeling knowing that after all these years, you were still so excited by him. So kind to him.

So loving.

He smiled to himself, thinking about what Deaky had said a month prior. That you loved him. Infinitely.

Freddie saw the change, the way Brian’s pain seemed to go away and was replaced by something far more pleasant. He watched Brian go somewhere far away inside his mind. And he knew you were the only thing that could possibly make Brian glow the way he was.

“Talk to her, Brian.”

Brian fell out of his dreamy state. “What?”

“She seems to make you feel better just thinking about her.”

Brian blushed. “She does,” he whispered, excited like a child.

Freddie laughed, glad to see his friend so chipper. “One of these days, you should tell her that, Brian. I’m sure she’d love to know.”

Brian nodded at Freddie’s words, how much sense they made. It gave him a surge of energy. You gave him a surge of energy.

* * *

You began tidying up the flat, throwing out scraps of paper you had found lying about. But only after reading them, of course. Some were nonsense, ripped out from the middle of a word or phrase. Others were blank. Nothing very exciting.

The phone rang as you threw out the ball of paper you had accumulated. It surprised you, as you weren’t expecting anyone to call. You walked into the living room and grabbed the telephone from its hook.

“Hello?”

Brian swooned at the sound of your voice. “Hello, love.”

“Brian!” You were even more surprised. “I thought you’d be busy today, before the show.”

“No, I actually just woke up.”

“Really?”

“Mmhmm. Had nothing better to do.”

“Why’d you call, Bri? Shouldn’t you be rehearsing or something?” You paused for a second. “Not that I’m complaining.”

“I was thinking about you.”

“Why?”

“You’re nice to think about.” You felt your heart skip a beat at his words, caught off guard. 

You bit the inside of your cheek, nervous. Something you rarely were when it came to Brian.

“Listen, Y/N, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something—”

Someone came knocking at your door. You weren’t really listening to what Brian was saying, distracted by the sound, remembering you were having company over.

“Bri? I have to go,” you said, apologetic. “Paul’s here.”

And just like that, you’d delivered a punch to his gut.

“Oh.”

You were disheartened by the hurt in Brian’s tone. “Can we talk about it after the show tonight?” The knock came again, a little louder than before. You felt torn.

He sighed, knowing fully well that you weren’t going to be able to talk after the show. And he couldn’t say what he wanted to while Paul was there with you.

“Of course, love.” He felt teary-eyed. “Talk to you later.”

“I miss you, Brian,” you managed to say before Brian hung up his phone. More than you know.

“I miss you too, Y/N.”

“Have a great show. I’m sorry I’m missing another one.” You wanted to prolong the conversation as much as you could, but you couldn’t anymore. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“I love you most.”

* * *

The boys stood in the wings as they waited for Mott the Hoople to wrap up their set, before the encore of “All the Young Dudes”. Their own performance had gone swimmingly, the New York crowd accepted them with great enthusiasm.

Brian watched the stage lights change sporadically, but he felt his head spinning to fast to pay close attention. He had to keep telling himself “One more song, one more song,” but he couldn’t find it in himself to rouse excitement or even tolerance at the idea of performing again. He had given Queen’s set everything he could. Probably even more than he should. Brian reached up to stroke his arm gently, wincing as he neared the aching spot.

Roger leaned over, staring up at his precariously swaying mate. “You alright, Brian?”

“I’m fine.” Brian had difficulty saying it, his mouth had gone completely dry.

“You know you don’t have to—”

“It’s one more song, Rog.”

“Exactly, you really don’t—”

“I’m fine,” Brian repeated, irritated.

Roger gave up and backed away, but kept an eye on Brian anyway; the way he was tottering made Roger nervous. It didn’t last long, Queen was called on stage shortly thereafter.

* * *

Paul had fallen asleep a couple hours ago, but you sat up, waiting to talk to Brian after his show, like you said you would. It sounded urgent when he brought up whatever he wanted to talk about.

It was late, or rather, early, but you didn’t mind. It was worth it. Brian was worth it.

You put the Queen II record on at a quiet volume, letting the distinct sound of the Red Special fill your ears. You often did that whenever you missed Brian, especially the song he wrote for you. Sometimes, it was all you could bear to listen to.

It always made you smile wistfully, even if you didn’t notice. The effect it had on your subconscious was extraordinary, sometimes working itself into your dreams at night. Mostly in the form of Brian. He would serenade you gently, or take you into his arms and dance into oblivion.

But presently, you were listening to the intro of “Father to Son”. The build up from the beginning of the album was wonderful, hearing the songs transition into one another seamlessly, beautifully. It made you yearn for something, but you could never figure out what.

You tapped your fingers to the beat as you held your eyes closed, envisioning the notes soaring through the room. You hummed along with Freddie’s gorgeous vocals and realized that the lyrics were so uniquely Brian, it almost made it feel like he was there with you.

The phone rang, interrupting your little daydream. The smile on your face widened with anticipation, ready to talk to your best friend.

“Hello?” You kept your voice down so you wouldn’t wake Paul in the other room.

“Y/N?”

The voice was wrong.

And it was worried.

“John? Why are you calling? Do you need—”

A sob came from the other end. You weren’t sure who made the noise, if it was Deaky or not.

Your body froze completely.

“Brian…” John trailed off, his voice shaking. “Y/N, something happened to Brian.”

As he told you about Brian’s collapse after the show, the jaundice, everything, you felt your lungs give out.

Shock left the line dead. You couldn’t form words. Your heart was broken knowing that Brian was alone when he needed you.

The world became less beautiful.

[rainythefox]

Broken Haven (Ch.13)

Synoposis: As the world they knew burns to ash above their heads, Joseph Seed and the Deputy are at crossroads with each other. The Deputy tries to cope with the loss of her family and friends, the sins she has done, and must learn to live with her enemy. Joseph has a revelation of their purpose and what they must do before stepping out into the light in seven years. Because in this broken haven, they need each other to rebuild a new world and a new life.

Joseph Seed/Female Deputy OC Mary “Emmy” Samson (Bunker Fic)

AO3 Link

Chapter 13: Best Laid Plans

Mary awoke lazily to her full bladder making itself known. Even so, she didn’t move, too warm and comfortable to move, and so she tried to ignore the discomfort. It was the first time she had slept so well in a long time, so there was no need to ruin the moment. But her bladder wasn’t having it, and eventually the Deputy was forced to move, inwardly cursing at her bodily functions.

She was alone in bed. Mary wasn’t sure what time it was, yawning as she dressed herself into her robe. Smiling, she noticed her clothes from last night, neatly folded on the dresser. Joseph was always an early bird, so she wasn’t surprised at all.

Still trying to fully wake up, she left her room after running her fingers through her messy hair in an attempt to tame it somewhat. Walking to the bathroom throughout the dreary bunker hallway, she felt her body complain, still sore from last night’s “Christmas celebrations”.

Mary rubbed her lower back with a grimace, trying to stretch as she walked. She slipped into the main den and paused when she found Joseph sitting at the table reading a book. He was only half-dressed again, his hair up in its trademark bun.

She smelled food of some kind, but it was overpowered by coffee, which lofted around the den and seemed to touch her very soul. The heavenly aroma painted a dreamy smile on the Deputy’s face. Coffeeeeeee…but first I need to pee. Outta my way, everyone!

Joseph noticed her soon after, and his smile made her stop short halfway to the bathroom. Since when did that all-knowing, charming upcurve of his lips have that sort of effect on her?

“Good morning,” Mary mumbled.

Joseph stood and came over to her. Mary’s heart ping-ponged in her ribcage and must’ve hit her bladder somehow because she couldn’t stay still. It only got worse when the cult leader ran his fingers through her hair and dipped down to place an affectionate kiss on her lips.

“Good morning,” he said. He soon noticed her fidgeting. “Something the matter?”

“I just really gotta pee,” she said lamely.

Joseph stepped aside with a small chuckle. “Well, you better go then.”

Mary bolted for the bathroom and relieved herself. She felt like a shower was in order. Not only to clean herself from the unexpected workout last night, but to soothe the aching muscles all over her body. As athletic as she was, the Deputy was surprised she was that sore.

Ugh, I’m really getting out of shape down here...

She decided to have coffee and breakfast first and save the shower for last. Back in the den, Joseph had already prepared her a bowl and a cup. Oatmeal and toast. And apparently, he had watched her enough to know exactly how she made her coffee.  Sometimes she forgot how observant he was. Normally, that would’ve creeped her out, but now it was actually endearing.

“Thanks!”

Joseph simply nodded, sitting down across from her. He only had a cup of coffee. Mary wasn’t sure if he had eaten already or not. Joseph’s eating patterns were weird enough. He pushed the book aside and watched her contently. The Deputy refrained from wolfing down her breakfast, as hungry as she was, now that his watchful eyes were resting on her.

“Sleep well?” Joseph asked.

Mary nodded. “The best in a long time, actually. You?”

“The very same.”

That made her heart soar for some reason. They talked as Mary ate her breakfast. Joseph’s eyes on her did interesting things to her body. She had always noticed him watching her but would usually try to ignore it. Now there was something simply magnetic about it, making her skin tingle.

Geez, get a grip, girl. You’re acting like a horny teenager for crying out loud!

The Deputy couldn’t exactly help herself though. Last night had been pretty damn amazing. She had to admit that for a crazy doomsday cult leader, Joseph was sure good in bed. Despite that and his toned body and good looks, Mary was still half in disbelief it even happened. Looking back, the sexual tension between them had been obvious for a while, no matter how much she had tried to ignore it before things took a turn for the hot and bothered. 

They still had done horrible things to each other that would take time to heal, but they were now on a good path to making it happen. Not to mention, Joseph was sixteen years older than her, and well, Mary wasn’t one to sleep around with older men...but she was willing to make an exception for him, should he...be interested. Not that she was hoping for it or anything.

Now that there’s a clean slate between us…there’s no telling what will happen next. Hopefully, things will be looking up for the both of us. I’m so ready to leave all the misery behind...

That new clean slate was felt in her very core. Mary felt…free. It was the best way to describe it as she and Joseph talked that morning. Maybe her life would finally start to feel like hers again. Maybe she could actually live now, instead of merely exist.

Still, there was something that nagged her at the back of her brain all morning, never quite revealing itself. She just couldn’t put her finger on it. Mary was convinced that it had to be nothing but the usual morning-after-nookie anxiety with a new partner; the uncertainty, newness and awkwardness typically felt by new lovers. Although she didn’t feel any uncertainty coming from Joseph at all. He was just…Joseph. So it had to be her for some reason.

She was unsurprised that Joseph sensed it just as he seemed to sense anything unsettling her. “What troubles you, Mary?”

Hell, I wish I knew!

She shrugged. “I’m fine…just…I don’t know. Just a funny feeling. Something scratching at the back of my mind.”

“If you’re worried about last night, don’t be. It was meant to be. Are you worried that’s all I wanted?”

She quickly shook her head. “N-No, of course not.”

He looked relieved at that. He placed a large hand over hers. “Good. Relax, love. Everything is fine.”

Love? They weren’t at that point already, were they? Her heart galloped in her chest, and she was both excited and scared at that word.

Mary softly smiled and squeezed his hand. “Thanks.” She got up to put her empty bowl and cup in the sink. “I’m going to take a shower. Gosh, I swear you almost broke me last night. Thank God I’m so sturdy.”

Joseph smirked, his grin half hidden behind his mug as he took a drink of his coffee. “You’re welcome.”

Mary gave him a half-glare for his obvious arrogance. She left the den, heading for the shower room. The Deputy stripped out of her robe and started the water, certain that a nice, refreshing wash would dissolve whatever was eating at her.

She tried to silence her thoughts by making herself relax under the current of water. The pleasantly warm shower woke her up and rejuvenated her body. After soaking in that moment for a while, she decided to actually scrub herself clean. The water pelted her skin as the Deputy crouched to pick up the shampoo bottle.

She opened the lid and squeezed the container, spilling white goop into her hand. Her eyes stared at the gel as it oozed between her fingers, slightly bubbling from the cascading shower. Mary froze at the sight. And the coin dropped - hard.

Then came the unbearable clench in her gut that soured her mouth. 

OH. SHIT.

Mary screamed the kind of curse that would make a seasoned sailor blush, clawing at the valves to turn the shower off. She nearly slipped on the soapy mess puddled at her feet as she ran for a towel. In her hurry, she knocked the towel rack over ripping the towel off.

Still cursing, nausea rippling through her stomach, she raced out of the shower and down the hallway like a howling banshee, drenched and dripping all over the floor.

Dutch has to have some in the infirmary! He just has to!

The Deputy slammed open the infirmary door, fingers slippery. Every curse in the book had left her mouth at least once by now, and Mary tore open the infirmary cabinets. She tossed bottles and boxes aside that had nothing to do with what she sought.

“Come on, come on! Gotta have something!”

But she knew halfway through the next supply cabinet that it wouldn’t be here. She was shit out of luck.

Mary kicked the side of the cabinet hard enough to crack the glass, hard enough to hurt her foot. 

“FUCK!”

***

Joseph didn’t know how long he had sat there reading his book, still sipping on his coffee, when he heard Mary scream. He had just enough time to look up before he heard a crash and explicit cursing. He got to his feet, thinking something had to be wrong, that she had hurt herself somehow, when her soaked, nude form flew by the doorway still screaming profanities.

Confused and a little worried, the cult leader left the den and followed her down the hall into the infirmary. He paused in the doorway, finding Mary tearing through the cabinets in search of something, towel half wrapped around her body, water leaking all over the floor, her mouth still spewing colorful words.

The Father sighed, leaning against the doorway. She definitely wasn’t hurt, so he had a pretty good indication on what exactly she had to be looking for.

Knew this was coming, although I had hoped she’d take it a bit more…sensible.

Who was he kidding? The Deputy wasn’t known for rationality.

Mary kicked the cabinet so hard that the front glass of one of the doors cracked. “Fuck!”

Joseph frowned as he watched her put her hands over her face, breathing heavily, nearly having a panic attack.

“Mary.”

She whirled on him, eyes wide, grabbing up the towel. Her eyes became daggers. Joseph wasn’t surprised she took it out on him first.

“This is all your fault! Oh my God, this can’t be happening!”

If only she knew. The prophet pushed himself off the doorframe and slowly moved into the room, hands up in case she decided to attack him. She looked to be racking her brain as she chewed on her lip, her whole body restless and her mind antsy.

“The storeroom! I can check there!” she finally realized.

She started to slip by him, but he caught her, hands on her shoulders. He gently pushed her back to where he blocked her path, and she barely contained herself from punching him in the gut.

“Let me go!”

“You know there’s none down there, so why bother?” Joseph asked.

She shoved him away and backed herself into the infirmary bed. She sat down, hands on her head, towel slipping a little around her slim form.

“What were we thinking? Oh God. I’m gonna be sick.”

***

Her stomach constricted and writhed like a dying animal, making her feel nauseous and light-headed from her panic. But try as she might, Mary knew there was absolutely nothing she could do about it now, except pray it didn’t take. She tried really hard to think of when exactly she had had her last period, but damned if she wasn’t terrible at keeping track of such things. It didn’t seem like that long ago, but the days blended together down here in the bunker, so her memory of the exact date was very vague.

Joseph draped a blanket over her shivering shoulders and then pulled up a chair. He studied her for a moment and leaned back in his seat. “It does you no good to worry about the corollaries now. What happened between us was completely natural and preordained. You’ll be fine, Mary.”

The Deputy paused, eyes slowly going from her lap to him, an unsettling feeling lodging itself in her chest. Joseph’s body language fleetingly reminded her of the first day down here, handcuffed to her bed, the eerie calmness and the subtle pride that he gave off. It wasn’t as menacing as it was back then, but just as disturbing. What the hell was he so smug about?

Joseph was always calm and in control, but Mary knew she should’ve noticed some sort of concern. He was too calm. There was a strange kind of satisfaction coming from him that did not sit right with her.

“How are you so relaxed?” she asked. “Do you not realize what exactly can happen down here? The dangers of it?”

Although his smile was reassuring, she sensed that pride lurking in his eyes. “I know exactly what will happen. You need not to worry. Everything is as it should be.”

A knot wrenched in her gut and she stammered. “Excuse me?!”

And then it clicked. Mary felt like she had been doused with ice-cold water, that’s how shocked she was. His behavior, his words, and her own instincts ironing them out. He knew the risk and didn’t care…he wanted her to get pregnant!

She jumped to her feet, gaping. The cult leader slowly stood, as though reading her inner thoughts. Mary glared at him, so calm, so confident, and so ignorantly insane. And she kicked herself for forgetting that.

“You planned this?!”

Joseph frowned. “Of course not. God did. And He showed me visions of our future. Our union, our marriage, our children, all of it. And we’ll lead the new world together, as the new Adam and Eve.”

Oh my God…Jerome was right. Joseph really does think he’s a king! He’s absolutely insane! 

“It’s our destiny, Mary. Just look at the signs He has given us: Mary and Joseph, both miraculously finding shelter when they had nowhere to turn to. It was clearly meant to be all along...”

Oh God...and what the hell is he yapping on about ‘Mary and Joseph’ now?! Good grief! How did I not see this? He’s completely lost it!

His words made her sick and she could only gather that he had planned this from the very beginning. She had dropped her defenses and forgot what he was capable of. This manipulative megalomaniac adept in violence, deception, and persuasion had trapped her with his charm and she let him right in, just like he wanted.

Mary grabbed the nearest pill bottle from the open shelf, not looking at the label and hoping it wasn’t something they might need at some point, and chucked it at him. “Is this why you “saved” me?! To be your personal incubator?!” Her voice became shrill and broke the more upset she got. “You’re fucking insane, Joseph! What did you think was gonna happen? That you’d get to ‘repopulate’ with me six times a week, except Sundays when the Lord would demand for your Twinky to rest?!”

The Deputy flung more bottles at him, angry and hurt and feeling absolutely used. Joseph protected his face as pill bottles, sharp utensils and gauze packages flew for him. Finally, the prophet took his chance when Mary was reaching for a pair of scissors and grabbed her, pinning her down onto the infirmary bed. The Deputy got one good punch across his face before he overpowered her.

“Of course it wasn’t why I saved you,” Joseph growled. “At first I wanted to kill you! Make you pay for what you did to my family. But God told me not to, and I didn’t understand why! Until He showed me...until He let me see the beauty of His plan...it’s fate and His will. We must obey to Him.”

“You’re crazy!”

Their noses were inches apart, Mary struggled underneath him as he straddled her, keeping her in place. She glared daggers at him but he only scowled, looking hurt.

“Am I? I wasn’t wrong about the Collapse, or anything else I preached. What makes this any different?”

“Maybe because you slept with me with the sole intention of knocking me up, you selfish asshole!”

Joseph shook his head. “You’re wrong. Our union came naturally because we are meant to be, sanctioned by God as He intended. You cannot deny the pull, our attraction, or our feelings. Why else do you think it happened so quickly?”

Mary refused to think he could be right on certain points; she was just way too pissed. Whether he was right about everything else before or not did not matter. The fact that he slept with her with the purpose of inseminating her for his delusions, disregarding the incredible risk this could mean for her - trapped in an underground bunker, far away from any anaesthetics, let alone a doctor or midwife - was enough.

Tears welled up in her eyes and she banged her head into his chest to try and get him off, but he was a solid wall of unmovable muscle.

“You bastard, you don’t even care how life-threatening this can be to me down here!”

“Of course I care. As my future wife and mother of my children I care more than you will ever know. That is why I am here to take care of you. We must keep our faith in God, and He will make everything turn out right in the end.”

Mary thought she hadn’t heard him right and stopped fighting, too stunned by his raving about them becoming a family, and too exhausted to continue to boot. Joseph’s cheek puffed from where she had hit him, but he gave no indication that it bothered him. His eyes seared into hers. The scar across his nose from their fight at his compound was a reminder that their animosity wasn’t all that long ago. And now, more than ever, the Deputy wondered: why her?

“You’re even more insane than I thought if you think I’d ever willingly marry you and let you try and get me pregnant more than once.”

Joseph sighed, his composure breaking a bit more. “It will happen, Mary. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. It isn’t what I wanted or planned.”

She snorted contemptuously. “Yeah, I bet not. Bet you just wanted me to be ever so willing and eager, right? Like one of your groupies?” She put on her best, mocking voice for a young, yearning female. “Oh, fill me up Joseph, please, I want your babies! Like that? Not in your fucking life.”

Joseph disproved of her act, scowling, but it didn’t prick him like she had meant it to. “You’re angry. You have every right to be. I’m sorry, Mary.”

The Deputy was more than angry. She was hurt. And she couldn’t even understand why. Because she actually cared for Joseph? Maybe crushed on him in some twisted way? To hide this confusing pain, she just focused on her anger and scorn.

“I’m sure you’ll be sorry when I don’t get pregnant and you can kiss any more chances to get what you want goodbye. Now get off me.”

Joseph respected her wishes and let her go, getting off of her. They stood up and the Father gave her space. He tensed, as if expecting her to start throwing things at him again, but Mary refrained herself. He just wasn’t worth it.

“It will take, Mary. I promise you that. There is no use fighting it.”

He sounded so sure, so confident, and she wasn’t sure if it was in his delusion to “God’s plan” or if he was just that conceited in his own performance. The Deputy glowered at him and pulled the blanket around herself tighter.

“It won’t,” she replied, more stubborn than confident. It was about time that Joseph realized he couldn’t always get what he wanted. She certainly had no intention of giving it to him.

Challenging him like so didn’t get her the reaction she wanted. The flash in Joseph’s sharp blue eyes meant he had thought of something in response to her dispute. He smiled gently, but the faint traces of arrogance were still there.

“If you really believe that, then how about a proposition?”

Mary frowned, not liking where this was going. “What kind of proposition?”

Joseph almost smirked, pleased that she had taken his bait, but kept himself composed. “If you don’t fall pregnant, I will renounce my faith in God, all my visions and my teachings. I will admit that I was wrong and that I am, in fact, crazy. I will let you go.”

The Deputy almost let her jaw fall open, gaping, shocked by his words, but she knew he wasn’t done as he took two cautious yet bold steps her way.

He held up one finger and pointed it at her stomach. “But if you do become pregnant, you will marry me and bear my children. You will atone and stay by my side forever and help me lead the new world as my wife.”

Was he seriously that delusional? Mary hesitated, debating. He had been right about the Collapse and everything else…But what if it had all been stupid luck or caused by his far-reaching influences? It was uncertain how likely it was that he had managed to knock her up. It depended on her cycle and Mary had no idea where she was in it. She had been a wee bit too preoccupied with coming to terms with living underground in a post-apocalyptic world to pay much attention to this important little detail. 

But one thing was for certain: she either would or she wouldn’t, and now she had to decide whether she was willing to risk her chance at freedom from Joseph Seed and exposing him as a false prophet or becoming his forever.

It was a deal with the Devil, as far as she was concerned. But did she have a choice?

In the end, the Deputy’s rebelliousness won out and she glared at him. “Deal.”

Joseph smirked. “Good. It’ll be a girl, by the way. She has your eyes and temper. I’ll let you name her. Just pick something nice.”

He turned and left the infirmary without another word. Mary remained by herself, thinking feverishly. A strange feeling came over her from his last words, but she tried her best to shake it off. He’s just fucking with you, Emmy. You’ll be fine…no pregnancy down here. No nappy changing and baby burps. No way in hell.

With a deep breath, Mary left the infirmary. After all this, she was ready to scrub herself raw to clean herself of him, hopefully reducing her risk of conception. What was it that women had used in ancient times? The Deputy thought she remembered once reading something about women cleaning their most private parts with a sponge full of vinegar in long gone times to prevent conception after having intercourse. Hadn’t she seen a bottle of vinegar sitting on the counter in the kitchen somewhere?

Maybe it was worth checking out...

Desperate times and all that. Beggars couldn’t be choosers.

The Deputy gave Joseph a murderous glare as she passed him in the hallway. She wished he would’ve dropped dead, but he kept her gaze, not wholly apologetic and not all patronizing. It was almost like they had been reset to their first month down here, just like that.

It was going to be a long, agonizing few weeks…

***

The next few days went by exactly how Joseph thought they would. Mary tried striking him down with dirty looks and didn’t talk much, unless to berate him. He had things thrown at him, and she deliberately defied him and tried his patience whenever she could. The cult leader wondered if perhaps he would have to consider sleeping with one eye open from now on.

The preacher was deeply in thought as he had taken to scrubbing the kitchen counter for nothing better to do since Mary refused to share space (and time) with him for the time being. He felt restless, despite knowing things would work out in the end. The whole situation frustrated him. How was he to get her to talk to him again, have a normal, civil conversation - without salt shakers being chucked at his head? 

Their animosity from before their “morning after” seemed so miniscule in comparison to the anger he felt coming off her in waves these days. Over the last few days, she had broken a number of things that she had aimed at his face whenever they crossed paths, and created a huge mess in the kitchen. 

And just where the hell did that bottle of vinegar go? 

Things just kept disappearing. He could have sworn there had been a packet of clean sponges in one of the drawers, now one of them was missing...he couldn’t remember her throwing something like a sponge at him during one of their “discussions”. Too soft, he thought fondly with a crooked grin as he wiped the counter dry. 

Way too soft for her tastes for sure. 

The Father’s smile deepened. His Mary sure was a feisty one...

He was lucky she had eventually tired from tossing things after him and just stormed off in a huff, slamming the door to her room like a bratty teenager.

The preacher wandered off to the communication room once he was done cleaning up the kitchen, still lost in thoughts. While he crossed the hall, he halted for a moment, listening for any sounds from Mary, but things were quiet. Almost too quiet. No (not so) silent cursing, no throwing or breaking of things. Not even any crying. After the last few very heated and noisy days, he guessed he should probably have been grateful. Small blessings and all that…

But he missed their interactions. He had just gotten used to them spending time together - peacefully even! And then she’d let him close enough to break down her last barriers...before finally making her his. Before it all went down the drain with his sudden and monumental revelation, of course. But she had a right to know. He wouldn’t have been able to keep their purpose from her for much longer anyway...the sooner she came to terms with it, the better.

Maybe that meant she was finally cooling down and becoming more rational again, now that she’d had some time to think. Her suspicious silence indicated that she was either sleeping or her mind working overtime, trying to figure out this new situation. Maybe she would even stop refusing to interact with him (without any violence) again. Hopefully soon. He just had to give her space. That was all that was needed. The Lord had brought them together for a reason, He wouldn’t let her turn her back on Joseph now.

Joseph had trust in His plans and therefore kept himself in control, ignoring his inner demons that suggested old tactics from his Project. Mary had absolutely every right to retaliate and be angry, and he needed to be patient until she calmed down and came to her senses.

He did forgive her after all, and so there was no need to revert to his old ways. The preacher knew what would happen, and it would come out right in the end, even if this was not how he had wanted her to find out. Their whole progress seemed to have been dismantled, burned down, crumbled - and it would take time to regrow. Even once Mary realized that she had conceived, Joseph was certain she would fight him for quite a bit. The woman had been broken so many times that conflict was her automatic reflex, her defense as instinctive as any other cornered animal. And he had inadvertently broken what little trust they had built up...

Our daughter will help mend it. I just have to be patient and trust His plan. Everything will work itself out...

Joseph sighed, eyes lingering on the tattoo on his right forearm. Mary was so very different from his first wife, so different from him. She was more like John, volatile, emotional, and so damaged. But she hadn’t become a monster. Her good heart and honor had remained somehow. But God never made mistakes, and they were meant to be. The Father was tasked with mending her, nurturing her. She would become a phoenix rising from the ashes of their old world - and in turn be what the new world needed her to be. But Joseph had his work cut out for him, as he was so quickly reminded.

What God gives…we have to earn. And we are still earning our keep down here, earning each other…We’re far from ready for the new world…But Mary, I promise…the new world will be better to you. I won’t allow it to be otherwise...

The communication room was silent. The record player had long since clicked off and he hadn’t bothered to turn the record over, lost in his inner thoughts. Mary had mostly kept to her room for the past few days when she wasn’t out eating or trying to smite him down with her eyes. The tables had been turned this round. Joseph was now the one left with the bunker while the Deputy holed up in her safe zone. But what differed between the two of them was that Joseph was used to living in seclusion and could thrive in it. It would only be a matter of time before Mary couldn’t handle it anymore and would come back out of her shell.

The cult leader rose, deciding it was time to try and get some sleep. After their fight, Joseph and Mary had relapsed into more irregular sleeping patterns, messing up their days and sense of time.

He was about to leave when something made him freeze in place. Faint, staticky interference buzzed behind him. He slowly turned towards the radio, noticing the blinking green light. He went over to it. The static was soft, barely audible, but he could hear something deeper. A voice? He slowly turned the dial for the volume…

“Dep…hey Dep, you there? Finally got our radio workin’! Emmy, please answer if you’re there.”

They weren’t the only ones. He had known from his visions, but he had not expected for the others to make contact so soon. And he hadn’t expected these particular “leftovers” to be alive at all, let alone trying to communicate with them now.

Joseph listened, his head hurting, the sound of his heartbeat unbearably loud like the radio static. His fists clenched hearing the voices of those wretched rednecks. Grinding his jaw, he hit the switch and turned the radio off, silencing the noise.

The preacher picked up a hammer from the nearest table, glaring at the machine. He should’ve destroyed it months ago. About time to do what he should have done back then...

She’s mine. You all should’ve burned like the others!

He had to keep Mary isolated. Keep her dependent on him only. It was the only way to get what he rightly deserved, what they both deserved.

The Father clenched the hammer, forearm flexing as he raised the tool, anger and frustration driving him. His arm hovered over the radio, about to smash it to pieces and cut them off completely from the outside. They had to quarantine themselves from the surviving contagions of the old world…or else get infected and tainted again.

But something stopped him before he could bring the hammer down. The Voice emerged from the far back corners of his mind, muffled but growing. The hammer trembled in his hand, and he was torn, fighting himself and even the Voice.

It took all of his willpower before the preacher finally dropped the hammer, burying his pride and hatred that had ignited so wildly. His head throbbed in protest, but in the end, he stepped away from the machine.

He had to trust in God. The Lord would make everything fall into place. Mary wasn’t going to leave Joseph for them. God wouldn’t let her.

The Father glared at the radio, but soon his lips quirked smugly. Your precious Deputy won’t go back to you. I’ve already planted a seed…

[argylemikewheeler]

Heyheyheyhey steve watching the stars, or going for long walks late into the night, not really caring what could be out there. Steve unable to swim in his pool after knowing what happened there, who died. Steve's parents asking him why he always seems tired. Steve taking up track to drive his mind away from monsters and deaths and blood, oh so much blood. Steve being closed off, everyone at school wondering where King Steve is, the fuckboy that everyone loved. Steve wonders too.

okay so i could write about one hundred pages on this, but here’s a little 2.2k word vomit. i loved this omg thank u anon

Steve wasn’t a bad son. He and his parents worked around each other, participating in a symbiotic performance of the Perfect Family. Steve got what he needed to succeed as much as he could in school and for his mom and dad to experience the joys of parenthood. They were caring and loving, but not active. Steve slipped through their fingers the winter of 1984 and they didn’t so much as watch.

Sleeping was like waiting for a rising tide. Lying in bed, Steve could feel the licks of unknown darkness across his ankles, soon swelling and washing over his legs. It’d cross his hips and he’d roll over, hoping the bright light of his back porch would pour through his sheer curtains and ground him. But staring at his pool lights only amplified the hushed screams folded into every lap of water. The water and Barb’s screams would climb farther, crashing over Steve’s chest. The water chased after his rapid breath, filling his lungs. He’d be paralyzed, the water still flowing faster faster and filling Steve up until it could only escape down his cheeks.

He woke up most nights screaming. His sheets tangled around his ankles, haunting vines unable to leave him alone, and his fear retreating back to the contained water of the pool. His parents were another floor away, knocked out on two glasses of wine and antihistamines. They were done soothing nightmares when Steve got out of diapers. He had to raise himself.

Steve’s first attempt was track. It was consistent and required no brain power. It drained him and made any sleep stem from exhaustion and not choice. The Party could come to practice or meets and he could keep an eye on them– while also turning a blind eye to his own condition. He was still having nightmares, even in the daytime, and running helped. It wasn’t enough– not even the thought that Steve wasn’t running from anything this time– but it was a normalcy. It helped.

–

“Steve, baby, why are you up so early?” His mom stepped into the dim kitchen light still tying her robe. Steve was standing at the counter trying to figure out how to make oatmeal taste as good as Nancy’s. He was in his fifth morning of experimentation and it was the first anyone noticed.

“I’ve been up since seven.” Four, actually.

“Oh, baby, you should be getting more sleep. You look worn out.” She reached for the coffee maker first, then Steve’s face. Her thumb ran over his cheekbone, now easily spotted and traced.

“It’s just the running, Mom.” Steve shrugged. “I’m just losing weight in my face.”

“Are you sure?” She was asking only because it was law that parents weren’t supposed to accept their children’s lies, even if they didn’t care. “You can talk to me.” Steve couldn’t.

“Yeah. It’s just this new training. Haven’t gotten my diet quite right.” Steve waved out to the bowls of oatmeal and loose oats spilled onto the counter by unsteady hands. The oatmeal was Steve’s last hope; an ingestion of comfort. Nancy had made it for him one last time before school before everything fell back into shambles. He was still moving an oat out from between his teeth when he crumbled up his college essay. “I’ll get it, Mom. I’m fine.”

“Okay, Stevie, baby.” She accepted the lie with the confidence it had been the truth. “Have a good day at school. And tell those boys I said hello.”

“They aren’t all boys, Mom.” Steve felt the futile need to argue El and Max’s presence. She wasn’t parenting them, she didn’t need to ignore them. “And I have babysitting after track at Will’s house.”

“Okay.” She was reaching for a mug and clanged the ceramic to hush out Steve’s words.

Steve took his oatmeal and left. He ate his breakfast in the car and drove to Dustin’s neighborhood. He was early but had no issue waiting. Time escaped Steve normally, his vision coming in and out as the world grew black, his skin feeling a chill that escaped everyone else. In those moments, when Steve was drowning again, time ticked outside his grasp. He’d blink back, sweating and weeping, to a time he didn’t remember leaving.

Luckily, Dustin came knocking on Steve’s window just as his dashboard became invaded by thick, black vines. Dustin was always pleasant on the ride to school. He had every reason to be disgruntled; he was fourteen and was on his way to middle school at eight in the morning. He had better perspective than Steve. Claudia always made sure of that.

“You good, Steve?” Dustin asked after a while. Steve hadn’t really noticed the silence until he stopped listening to his own thoughts. “You look like shit.”

“I’m trying a new hair product.” Lying was easier on four hours of sleep. “First day makes your hair look… deflated. Then it gets the volume.”

“Alright…” Dustin was skeptical. “I’ll be tracking the progress. The hair is a trade secret.” He laughed and Steve coughed along. His laughter had become waterlogged from his late nights lying awake. There was nothing left in Steve Harrington to offer. It had been cried, vomited, and screamed out. There was no laughter.

Dustin was a good enough child and friend to leave Steve’s car without another question. He wished Steve a good day and hopped out of the car, rushing to the front door with promise at his heels. Steve drove the three miles to the high school and parked at the far end of the parking lot. The oatmeal bowl on the top of his dash had hardened by then. It all had.

He’d have to soak the bowl when he got home. His mother would be mad. He’d apologize but it would slip out insincere and distant. He’d go to his room. He’d lay down. He’d wish he had been swallowed up by split, petaled lips of a monster pacing Steve’s thoughts.

“Steve?” Nancy was at his window with Jonathan beside her and both looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. “Come on, the first bell rang.”

“You can’t skip history again.” Jonathan added. “I can’t keep catching you up on notes, Steve.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.” Steve muttered. The door was still closed and Nancy and Jonathan were speaking loudly through the glass, but their message got through clearly. “I’m going. I’m going.”

“Hey!” She grabbed his arm. “Is everything okay, Steve? You look…” Nancy paused to choose her words delicately. “Unlike yourself.” It was nice of her to insinuate that, on a normal day, Steve looked well-rested and adjusted. Steve hadn’t felt that way long enough to forget how to fake it.

“New hair product.”

“That must be it.” Jonathan stood on the other side of Steve. They bracketed Steve’s vision with pointed looks at one another. Nancy tried to talk with only her eyes while Jonathan was trying to do the same with his hands.

“I know, it’s looking really bad recently.” Steve continued. “I promise, it’s fine.”

“We weren’t asking about your hair.” Nancy said, her tone toed a scold. “We were asking about you, Steve.”

“Same thing, isn’t it.” He muttered, reaching for the front doors.

“Steve…”

“Sorry, can’t be late again.” Steve said, walking off. “You’re off the hook for review, Byers. See you later.”

—

Steve didn’t remember gym class, which was entirely the point. Running around the track and playing point-less pickup games of basketball kept Steve separate from his own thoughts and just barely connected to his body. In gym, he was mostly motions. No one spoke to Steve in a way that required a response. He drifted from sideline to court. The gym remained a gym the entire hour; not a single vine tripped him playing. That was mostly himself or Billy on opposing defense.

After class, Steve was trying to wake himself up in the showers. The water was hot and felt thick against Steve’s numb skin. There were a few other students, some still discussing the game, others recounting the weekend. Steve scrubbed his face with his open hands.

“Shitty game, Harrington.” Billy said beside him. He had been across the showers, but had moved closer to Steve, if only to heckle.

“Thanks.” Steve said, trying to let the water prod harsh enough to force a smile. “I don’t really care.”

“I just thought King Steve would have more invested in his own reputation.” Billy laughed. “Guess you’re letting the kingdom run you out, huh?”

“Whatever, man.” Steve muttered. There was more on Steve’s mind than the popularity of his actions. They might have been running him out of his place of status, but Steve had spent more time genuinely running for his life. “Fuck off.”

Billy scoffed but the water beside Steve continued to run. Steve hadn’t opened his eyes and wanted to cherish the moment he had in the familiar and unchanging dark. It was simple nothingness, the water beating against Steve’s face and streaming down his chin and chest. The warmth stirred feelings of humanity, of intimacy and closeness. Of the rapid thump thump thump of Dustin’s heartbeat against Steve’s hand as he hoisted him off the squelching, trembling ground. The fear of being torn apart just below the surface of Hawkins and being smeared along a pumpkin patch as their own lasting impression–

Steve’s eyes shot open as the darkness began to root itself in his nightmares. To his horror, the pooling water had turned to blood. Thick, warm, human blood. The water on Steve’s hands, around his feet, running down his chest was a dark maroon. He clenched his eyes closed again, his breaths whistling between his teeth as he began panting. The water was too warm now, it was overheating him. The kill was recent, maybe able to save–

“No no. No. Come on. Don’t.” Steve muttered, opening his eyes and trying to force himself to see the regular yellow tile. The blood was now smearing the shower faucet and soap bar. “Oh god. No no.”

“Yeah, if I saw what you did when I looked down, I’d be upset too.” Billy chuckled, noticing Steve’s slow tremors but connecting minimal dots to even begin intervening. His face was covered blood too. Steve’s haunting memory started with a slow drip from Billy’s nose, where Steve had once landed a punch, and slowly spreading over his entire face. He grinned through it, Billy unable to see through Steve’s nightmarish lens.

“No no. It’s not real. Come on, Steve.” He muttered to himself. He said his own name, reminding his body that there was a person inside; the world his brain was living needed to match the one his body was stuck in. He wasn’t in the tunnels anymore. “There’s no blood.”

“Excuse me.” Billy said, still listening. “Harrington, what are you talking about?”

“Please, just please shut up.” Steve begged, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. The water stung and felt thick in his eyes. Steve tried to wipe his eyes but felt the water smear across his face like steaming, burning war paint. “Leave me the fuck alone. Now.”

“Fine.” The water beside him stopped and feet slapped against the wet floor hurriedly. “At least, like, have a fucking towel, man.” Billy yanked Steve by the shoulder and counteracted the gesture. In actuality though, a teenager nearly vomiting, completely naked in the school showers must have been completely embarrassing for everyone involved. Billy wasn’t only helping Steve, if that was the correct word.

Steve took the towel being shoved on him. He stepped out of the shower’s static-feeling rush of water and feebly wrapped the towel around his waist. Steve still had his eyes closed. Opening them meant either reentering his nightmare or being brought to the brink of embarrassment in the boys’ locker room.

Finally, he allowed his eyes to open– and he was still standing in the showers. Warm water streamed at Steve’s face and he was dripping head to toe in clear, lukewarm water. There were wide eyes, quiet muttering, and quiet snickering.

Steve had a fight and flight response to the gut feeling of danger. They thought it was amusing, but Steve was the one with the first-hand experience chasing monsters with a prayer for his life and a pair of fucking swimming goggles. Steve was the one who slept with a nailed baseball bat under his bed every night, but they assumed it was all crushed beer cans and used socks.

“That ashamed over a game?” Someone chuckled, spinning their towel up. “All you got when you don’t got college, right?” They released an end and snapped the towel. Steve had to act like the sound didn’t make him jump.

He was mortified and exhausted and wondering how many nights did he have to wait until he’d truly never wake up.

The locker room erupted into laughter, Steve included. It was just another motion. Truthfully, he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. He genuinely knew it had the ability to do so and devour him, and every last choking breath.

Sometimes, Steve figured it’d be easy to die; just like life had been before.

ao3

[jaeminlore]

The First Time // Lee Seokmin

the prompt: (abridged) seokmin is your new neighbor, and after a bit of bonding, the two of you carry not only romantic, but domestic feelings for each other.

words: 3375

category: fluff on fluff

author note: you had me at seokmin and domestic feel like ever time I look at dk I think of how much of a husband/boyfriend vibe he gives off and to write a whole scenario based off of that??? i am blessed. also i suck at summaries but the request was rlly long so i tried to shorten it. i also changed the ending from dinner and tv to dancing bc i had more inspiration for the latter.

- destinee

-

The first time you saw him smile, you were wearing your ugliest outfit: old basketball shorts from your high school days, a paint-covered shirt from that one time you went volunteering, and your brother’s old Adidas sliders. Your hair was tragically unbrushed and gathered into a half-hearted updo, with flyaway hairs hanging over your eyes. Heck, you couldn’t even remember if you had put on deodorant this morning.

You had just moved into your apartment the night before, and were planning on dedicating your whole weekend to unpacking and setting up everything to your liking. Unpacking didn’t require getting dressed in nice clothes or brushing your hair. All it required was you, and your Spotify playlist turned all the way up.

In all the movies, there was a cliche of neighbors coming to greet you whenever you moved into a new home. However, in real life, that rarely ever happened, so you were surprised to hear a knock on your door at the early time of seven in the morning. When you swung it open, you certainly weren’t expecting to come face to face with an extremely handsome and well-groomed man, as opposed to your sluggish appearance.

“Ah… Hi,” you said quietly, trying not to be too intimidated as you looked in his eyes.

Fortunately, you had nothing to worry about. The man began to smile, his white teeth shining effortlessly. As his smile reached his eyes, you were pleasantly taken back as they formed into little half-crescents. Your heart stirred as he began to speak, his deep voice akin to honey or maple syrup in it’s sweetness. “Hello! I’m Lee Seokmin. I live in the apartment right beside yours so I thought I should be the first to welcome you in. I made cookies!”

He held up a large grocery bag, and your eyes widened to see a bunch of tupperware containers inside. Seokmin laughed nervously, “I didn’t know your preferences or if you had allergies or anything so I made you all the kinds I knew how to make! There are snickerdoodles, chocolate chip, peanut butter, sugar, oatmeal raisin, double chocolate… oh! I made red velvet ones for the first time but I haven’t gotten the chance to try them so I’m sorry if they suck.”

Your heart unconsciously warmed at the thoughtfulness this stranger had gone through just for you. He had thought about your wellbeing and for some reason that gave you the courage to invite him inside. “Do you want to sit down for awhile? It’s a bit messy but I’ve just brewed some coffee, and we can try the red velvet cookies together.”

Your suggestion made Seokmin light up even more, if that was possible. You giggled at his happy affirmation and ushered him inside. “Sorry it’s such a mess. I just moved in yesterday.”

Seokmin waved away your concern as he set the cookies on your empty kitchen island. “You should’ve seen my place when I first moved in. The boxes literally didn’t leave for months until my friend intervened and made me clean up.”

You grabbed two mugs out of a box and quickly washed them before pouring coffee for the both of you. After placing the sugar and cream on the table, you sat across from him. “How long have you lived here? Are the people friendly?”

Seokmin crinkled his nose in thought. “I think I’ve lived here for almost two years now. The neighbors aren’t rude, but they sure don’t talk to you. I’m just amazed you’re holding a conversation with me, to be honest.”

He seemed like the type of person who had a lot of friends, and you wondered if he ever felt lonely living in a complex with people who didn’t want to commute. “Well I can’t guarantee I’ll always be up for a chat, but you can come by any time to just hang out.”

Seokmin smiled. Then, his lips turned down into a frown. “I never got your name.”

“Oh, it’s Y/n.”

Seokmin grinned again, chuckling to himself for some reason unknown to you. “Well, Y/n, let’s dig into some red velvet cookies before we start unpacking.”

“You’re willing to help me?”

“Only if you let me pick the songs from time to time,” Seokmin said, winking at you.

-

The first time you heard him sing, you thought there was a ghost inside your walls. You decided to let yourself sleep in late, since you and Seokmin had unpacked until the early morning. You hadn’t expected the sound of someone’s loud singing to be your wake up call. With a groan, you rolled over and checked the time: eight in the morning. It wasn’t too early, but still, you preferred to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, you couldn’t, what with the loud screeching that came from the other side of your wall. Curiosity peaked, you sat up and listened, wondering if it was some kind of phantom howling inside of your walls.

The more you listened, the more your ears recognized that it wasn’t screeching at all, but rather singing. Beautiful singing, at that. The low tones that melted into high notes had you hoping for more. You recognized the song from the radio, although you couldn’t place remember the title or the artist. You wondered if that was Seokmin’s apartment. With the subtle sound of a shower running, you assumed he was getting ready for today. The singing voice sounded uncannily like his talking voice. You settled back into your bed and focused on his singing to lull you back to sleep.

-

The first time you fell in love, it came in the form of a cold and a headache. After searching your entire apartment for medicine that would calm your pain, you came to the conclusion that you hadn’t yet bought any medicine.

It was around ten at night, and you desperately hoped Seokmin was still awake. The last thing you wanted was to wake him up after he had just fallen asleep. Still, your migraine was throbbing against your skull in ways that made you want to throw up. You wrapped a blanket around your shoulders and walked to Seokmin’s apartment.

Seokmin was happy when he opened the door. He didn’t look tired at all, but rather refreshed. It seemed as if he had just taken a shower, for his hair was damp and slightly curly, dripping onto the towel around his neck. His skin was dark and clear, and you wondered how someone could be so beautiful just… standing there.

Then he smiled, and you knew.

“Hey, Y/n. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

You struggled to smile at him, but grimaced when your head began throbbing again. “Do you have any pain medicine? I’ve had the biggest headache since I got back from work today.”

Seokmin’s gaze grew concerned. His eyebrows turned up and his lips formed a slight pout. “Sure. Come in and lay on the sofa while I go get you some. I’ll make you tea too.”

You couldn’t argue in fear of actually throwing up on his feet, so you simply nodded and eased yourself onto his sofa. He returned quickly with pain killers and you swallowed them before settling back into the pale yellow cushions. His throw pillows were soft. As you closed your eyes to rest, you suddenly felt a heavy blanket being placed over your body. Seokmin tucked it under your chin and feet, making sure you were warm and cozy. Then, he reached over your head and pulled your hair away from your neck, allowing some cold hair to cool down your feverish skin. You squirmed, ticklish, as his lithe fingers trailed over your neck.

“Sorry,” he chuckled. “Sleep for awhile and I’ll wake you up when the tea is ready.”

“M'kay,” you whispered, already feeling the world around you stop spinning. “Thanks, Seokmin.”

“No problem,” he grinned and patted your knee.

When you woke up, Seokmin was sitting at the end of the sofa, reading a book. You watched him for awhile, his reading glasses slipping down his nose as he flipped his pages. “Hi.”

He jumped at your voice, then let out a breathy chuckle, biting his lip in embarrassment. “You’re up! Let me get the tea off the stove.”

You waited for him, rather touched at the fact that he was going through all of the trouble even though it was surely midnight by now. When Seokmin returned with lavender tea and one of his snickerdoodle cookies (“because adding a little spice to your life will make you happier”), you couldn’t help but feel a special little ping in your heart at his efforts. He must be this nice to everyone, so why did it feel so special when he was nice to you?

You sipped on the tea slowly. Not because it was hot, but rather because you didn’t necessarily want to leave Seokmin so soon. He felt like home, and his voice made you feel safe; comforted.

However, the tea wasn’t self-refilling, so it wasn’t long before you drank all of it. You handed Seokmin the empty mug, “Thank you. I’ll be going now. I hope I didn’t bother you too much.”

As you made your way to the door, a warm hand encased your wrist. Seokmin spun you around to face him. He was smiling again, but it was softer, more nurturing then you had seen before. “You know you could never bother me, right?”

“Right,” you whispered, for any sound louder would surely turn into a squeak.

-

The first time you kissed him, there was rust under his nails and sink water all over your kitchen floor.

On your day off, you decided to wash your dishes, since you had been letting cups and bowls pile into the sink for a few days now. Everything was fine. You were listening to music and cleaning dishes serenely. Everything was fine until you felt water creep under your sock-clad feet. Surprised, you jumped back to see water seeping out of the cabinet under your sink. “What..?” You hastily turned off the faucet and opened the cabinet door. Everything (which wasn’t much but stored paper towels and cleaners) was soaked, and there was a huge crack in the drain. With a sigh, you pulled out anything under the sink before running to your bathroom to grab as many towels as you could. Your hope was to soak up all the water that had already leaked before it molded your interior. In the end, the towels didn’t do much but soak up the water and sit there like some kind of cold slug.

You had no idea how to fix a sink. Still, you were willing to try. Your first step was buying tools that you definitely didn’t have, then maybe asking the workers at the hardware store for advice. After gathering your hair into a messy bun and pulling some sneakers over your damp socks, you ran outside with your keys and wallet as your accessories.

“Y/n?” Seokmin’s voice startled you as you were locking your door, so that you dropped your keys onto the floor. While bending down to pick them up, Seokmin walked up to you, “Hey, are you okay? You seem a bit off. And why are you covered in water?”

You smiled bashfully and scratched the back of your neck. Avoiding eye contact made it easier to talk to him, so you stared at your shoes. “My sink is leaking and I don’t know how to fix it so I was going to head to the hardware store…”

Seokmin’s eyes began to light up before you could even finish your sentence. “Is it the pipes underneath?”

“How’d you know?”

“Mine did the same thing last year! I think all the pipes are a bit old in this place.” Offering you a kind smile that reached his eyes, Seokmin shrugged, “I can help you if you want. I still remember how to fix it.”

You bit your lip and nervously looked away. “You really don’t need to do anything else for me. I’ll just go get some tools from the hardware store and fix it myself.”

Seokmin stopped you, once again, by latching onto your wrist. Only this time, he let his hand slip into yours. Swinging your hand back and forth, fingers intertwined, he looked into your eyes. “Please let me help, Y/n. I wouldn’t want you to spend a lot of money on tools that I already have.”

His touch sent tingles up your arms that only settled into butterflies at the pit of your stomach. “Uh, okay. If you insist. I’ll make you dinner, though, to make up for all you’ve done.”

Seokmin scoffed. “What have I done? I haven’t done anything for you.”

“That’s not true. You made me cookies and became my friend. There was that one time where you took care of me when I was sick. You didn’t have to do any of that stuff.”

“I wanted too,” Seokmin assured you, his eyes sincere as they searched yours. “I want to this for you, too.”

If he looked at you any longer, you were quite sure you might combust, so you simply nodded and looked away. “Alright. Have it your way. I’ll leave the door unlocked.”

He jumped up in victory and rushed back to his apartment to get his tools. Meanwhile, you struggled to calm your breathing. Did Seokmin have this effect on everyone? Did every person he touched, talked to, and smiled at feel a burning sensation in both their cheeks and the pit of their stomach? You pressed your lips together as you wondered.

Seokmin arrived minutes later in what he called his work clothes. All they were really, was a t-shirt tucked into blue jeans, subsequently tucked into work boots. He greeted you with his usual grin and made his way to your kitchen, tools under his arm. While you grabbed vegetables out of your fridge to begin cutting, Seokmin opened your cabinets and positioned himself on his back to better reach the pipes.

You couldn’t help but notice how horribly domestic this situation was. Him, fixing the sink and you, making dinner for the two of you to enjoy together once the was done. You were getting ahead of yourself with these thoughts, of course, so you shook your head idly and focused on the task at hand: cutting the vegetables.

“Y/n? Can you help me?” Seokmin grunted as he turned the wrench over and over, eventually separating the pipes.

“Sure.” You dropped your knife and came to his side.

“Thanks,” he said. “Can you grab my phone? I need the flashlight on it. It’s in my back pocket.”

“Your… back pocket?”

“Yeah, my hands are wet and I don’t wanna ruin it…” Seokmin trailed off, perhaps finally realizing what you were so hesitant about. “Oh! I’m sorry; I’ll get it. Just give me a towel.”

“It’s fine,” you rushed out, grabbing the phone before you could think anything of it. Cheeks burning, you opened up the flashlight widget and pointed it up into the pipe.

“That’s perfect, right there,” breathed Seokmin. “I need to make sure I have the right bolts…”

The two of you worked side by side like that for awhile: you grabbing anything he needed and him apologizing profusely for taking up so much of your time. You could only chuckle in irony, “You’re fixing my sink, Seokmin. Why wouldn’t I help you?”

He shrugged, but you could barely see it in the dim light. “You don’t have to help me anymore, I don’t think. All I have to do is fix this pipe in and I’ll be done. I don’t need a light for that.”

“If you’re sure.” You left him to his devices and hurried to get your vegetables and chicken on the stove. “We should have rice, too. Right?”

“Definitely.”

The two of you worked in silence. Through the occasionally clanging of pots and utensils, you could hear Seokmin begin to sing. His voice started out quiet, deep and halted. Then, as he grew more confident, it escalated into loud tones and sounds that carried throughout your apartment. At times, when you felt confident enough, you’d sing along with him.

He finished the sink seconds before the rice was done. His grin of accomplishment when he turned on the faucet and nothing came out was enough to make your whole night. “There you go, Y/n.”

“Thank you so much,” you said gratefully. You reached foreword and wrapped your arms around his torso, eliciting surprised laughter from him.

His arms were around your shoulders in an instant, and his laughter became muffled into your neck as he pulled you closer to him. “Wow. Dinner and a hug? Do you give these out to everyone who fixes your sink?” He pushed you at arms length, so he could look at your face, a cheesy smile adorning his own, “Or do you just give those out to the handsomest of plumbers?”

You ducked your head down in embarrassment and turned back to the stove, avoiding his cheeky question by plating the food. “Do you want more chicken on your plate or more vegetables?”

“Are you getting nervous?” With a chuckle, Seokmin suddenly hugged you from behind, freezing you in your place.

You set the plates down and turned around in his hold, your hands on his chest to keep him at a distance. “I’m not nervous, Seokmin. Now get a plate and sit on the couch.”

“Why don’t we dance instead?”

“D-Dance?”

You were well aware of his hand melding into the curve of your waist as the other reached for your hold. Intertwining your fingers together, he gave you another eye-twinkling grin, “Yeah. Have you ever slow danced before?”

“What about the food?”

“It’s got to cool down anyway,” Seokmin shrugged.

“What about music?”

Seokmin chuckled and spun you around, catching you in his arms, close enough to feel his breath on your forehead. “Do you not want to dance with me, Y/n? I thought we liked each other here.”

“We do? Oh! We do,” you said bashfully. “But… I don’t really know how to dance.”

“That’s what I’m here for, Darling.” Seokmin grabbed both of your hands and placed them behind his neck. His grip on your waist only tightened when his hands returned there, as if that’s where he had always meant to be. “Follow my lead.”

You did, trusting your optimistic neighbor with your entire gut. Seokmin wouldn’t let you fall or make a fool out of yourself. And if you somehow did, there was something telling you that he wouldn’t let you go through it alone. You hummed happily, closing your eyes and letting your fingers play with the strands of black hair that curled at his nape. Your socks had been discarded awhile back, and now it was just you and your bare feet over shallow puddles of sink water that should’ve been cleaned up a long time again. Seokmin’s work boots made squelching and squeaking noises every once in awhile, causing the two of you to giggle (especially if it caused him to slip and pull you hazardously around with him.)

His forehead was warm pressed against yours, and you weren’t sure if it was sweat from his hours of work or just his body temperature. You were quite sure Seokmin was the sun itself, so you didn’t think you’d be surprised if his touch burned everyone the same way if set your skin aflame.

His lips were smooth, and soft enough to make you want to feel them against yours again and again. You tugged on his hair, eliciting a low moan from the back of his throat. Suddenly, you were smiling against his lips, unable to contain the joy that he was bringing you and had brought you since you met him.

He was the first to part ways, his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed nervously. “S-Shouldn’t we– I mean, the food will get cold if we don’t stop soon.”

“Who’s the nervous one now, Lee?”

~the end~

[ezatluba]

Thousands Of Dog Owners Swear By These 37 Genius Products 

The world is full of cool dog toys and handy canine accessories — but some of them are simply better than others. 

1 A Simple Tool That Picks Up Shedding Fur And Releases With A Button

FURminator, Deshedding Tool For Dogs

If your pooch loves to leave clumps of hair throughout the house, this amazing deshedding tool will change your life. With a firm, stainless steel edge, the efficient tool is able to penetrate the topcoat and gently but thoroughly remove loose hair. It's easy to use — just comb through the hair to grab your dog's fur and then press the easy FURejector button to release it.

2 A Fantastically Bright LED Collar That Will Keep Your Dog Safe In The Dark

Illumiseen LED Dog Collar

You'll never lose your pup in the dark again with this awesome LED dog collar that Amazon customers are obsessed with. The light-up collar has over 3,400 glowingreviews (see what I did there?), with thousands of customers praising its ability to shine brightly and keep your dog safe from vehicles and other hazards. The fully adjustable collar can be worn as one solid light, or it can be set to blinking mode with two speed options. The LEDs are rechargeable via USB so you don't have to worry about them burning out, and each charge lasts about five hours. It comes in five glowing color options including neon green, orange, pink, blue, and red.

3 A Cooling Mesh Dog Bed That's Elevated Off The Ground So They Don't Get Hot

Elevated Cooling Dog Bed

Constructed with breathable mesh fabric and set 7 inches off the ground, this elevated dog bed will keep your pup cool all night long. The cot-style bed allows air to circulate underneath so that dogs who tend to overheat can sleep comfortably. It's lightweight yet ultra-sturdy and is capable of holding up to 150 pounds. Plus, it's super compact, so you can bring it with you when you camp, travel, or visit friends. The bed comes in small, medium, and large sizes, so it's compatible with every breed.

4 A Powerful Odor Spray That Makes The Carpet Smell Fresh After Accidents

Rocco & Roxie Supply Co, Stain And Odor Eliminator

There are tons of stain and odor removers out there, but few blast away puppy smells as instantly and thoroughly as this Rocco & Roxie pet spray. The powerful, fast-acting stain remover is formulated especially for the less glamorous parts of puppy ownership ( aka pee on the carpet and vomit on the floor). It features enzymatic bacteria that's activated upon contact with odors, feeding on ammonia crystals and organic matter to completely remove the smell. It's chlorine-free and safe for both kids and other pets, too.

5 The Little Shoes That Protect Paws From Gravel, Snow, And More

My Busy Dog, Water Resistant Shoes

Whether it's thorns and brambles, hot asphalt, glass shards, rusty nails, or salt used for de-icing, sidewalks and trails present a lot of hazards for little paws. These thick dog booties are built with rugged, anti-slip soles to protect them from the elements and keep their feet secure. They're also fully waterproof so their paws will stay clean and dry — and that means you can go play in a muddy park and come home without spending 20 minutes wiping their paws down with a towel. They are available in four colors and eight sizes for every breed.

6 A Soothing Pressure Coat That Helps Anxious Dogs Feel More Peaceful

Thundershirt, Classic Dog Anxiety Jacket

If your little guy gets nervous easily, this doggy anxiety jacket will feel like a soothing friend. The patented design works to calm canine anxiety by applying gentle, constant pressure throughout the day. The result is a feeling of safety and security whether they're stressed out due to fireworks, thunder, separation, travel, vet visits, or other anxiety-inducing scenarios. It's a great way to soothe your pup's worries without the use of sedatives or other drugs.

7 The Feeder That's Perfect For The Dog Who Eats A Little Too Fast

Outward Hound, Slow Feed Dog Bowl

Does your dog wolf the entire bowl of food down within seconds of it being placed on the ground? If so, this slow feed dog bowl will help your overzealous pooch take it easy around mealtime and learn to eat slowly, improving digestion and reducing bloating in the process. In addition to offering portion control, it provides a little puzzle to solve, keeping his or her brain engaged while they chow down.

8 A Rugged Seat Cover That Will Save Your Car Interior From Destruction

BarksBar, Original Pet Seat Cover

Imagine, a car that wasn't covered in dog hair and muddy paw prints?This clever pet seat cover is made from a durable waterproof material that protects your vehicle from fur and shedding, mud, dirt, scratches, and chewing. You can use it as a regular bench-style seat cover or convert it into a hammock that protects both sides of the seats and gives Fido a cradled area to sit in. It has built-in Velcro openings for seat belts and is fully machine-washable.

9 A Warm, Heated Stuffed Animal That Has A Real Heartbeat

Smart Pet Love, Snuggle Puppy Behavioral Aid Toy

Dogs are pack animals who need to cuddle up with others to feel safe. Although this little creature looks like a basic stuffed animal, it's actually a behavioral aid toydesigned to reduce anxiety and offer your puppy a warm body to sleep next to. Meant to imitate the nurturing feel of a mama dog, they toy comes with a heart-shaped ticker that heats up and emits a pulsating beat that mimics a beating heart. The comforting toy is perfect for thunderstorms, fireworks, and other occasions where your puppy gets scared.

10 A Protective Balm That Keeps Their Paws From Drying And Cracking

Mushers, Musher's Secret Paw Protection Wax

Made with soothing vitamin E, this paw wax cream protects their feet from cuts and scrapes without any scent or odor. The wax-based balm goes on the pads of their paws like a cream and dries instantly, creating a protective layer to shield them from the elements. It also helps prevent abrasions, burning, drying, and cracking. "Living in the Northeast, I deal with snow, salt, ice, and blistering pavement in the summers, and this product is an absolute miracle," said one happy Amazon customer. "I purchased three more containers today for my dog to give out as Christmas presents to her friends. It is that good."

11 An Ultra-Convenient Collapsible Dog Bowl For Life On-The-Go

COMSUN, Collapsible Dog Bowl

Constructed with tough silicone, this collapsible dog bowl is the best thing ever for folks on the go. Fill the ample bowl with 12 ounces of water or a 1.5 cups of food, then press it together when you're done for easy storage. It comes with a clip-on carabiner you can use to attach it to a backpack while hiking, or to put on a crate when you travel.

12 A Fake Patch Of Grass To Help With Potty Training

PAW, Artificial Grass Bathroom Mat

Whether you've got a puppy who's still potty training or you live in an apartment where it's tough to get outside quickly to train your dog, this artificial grass matprovides a place for your pooch to do their business inside — without giving them the idea that they're allowed to pee indoors. The three-layer pad features an odor-resistant, anti-microbial mat on top with a plastic insert that traps liquid and drains it into a collection tray on the bottom. To clean it the mat, simply rinse it with soapy water.

13 A Natural Shampoo That Smells Great And Won't Irritate Skin

Earthbath, All Natural Pet Shampoo

Made with delicious natural scents such as eucalyptus and peppermint, oatmeal and aloe, mango, rosemary, tea tree, and sweet orange oil, this doggie shampoo cleans their fur while leaving them smelling fresh and aromatic. It is formulated with 100 percent biodegradable products and detangles in addition to cleansing. On top of that, it is suitable for sensitive skin. "I absolutely love this dog shampoo!" said one Amazon customer. "It makes all my dogs so soft and shiny."

14 A Set Of Rubber Fetch Balls That Whistle When You Throw Them

Chuckit! Whistler Balls 

The only thing dogs find more outrageously fun than chasing balls is chasing balls that make wild noises. This whistling dog ball is just the ticket, offering a chewy rubber fetch toy that whistles in flight, stimulating their hunting instinct and keeping their mind engaged. The balls, which come in a pack of two, are aerodynamic and easy to grip. They are available in small, medium, and large sizes, and one reviewer writes: "Chuck-it makes the best balls for retrievers. They are very durable. Far better than tennis balls. Good value as these last for years not days or weeks. The whistle balls are great for dogs who retrieve by sight AND sound. The whistling gives them better feedback in case they miss seeing the ball launch."

15 A Set Of Fantastically Compact Poop Bags That Fit In Your Pocket

Pogi's Pet Supplies, Pogi's Poop Bags 

If you're sick of searching the house for plastic grocery bags every time you go on a walk, you'll love these eco-friendly poop bags from Pogi's. The baggies come in easy, compact rolls you can fit in your pocket so you don't have to worry about looking like a jerk to the neighbors when your dog goes a second time — you'll always have a back-up. The eco-friendly bags are powder-scented and ultra-thick, so they won't leak even if you have a large dog. Plus, they're big enough to reverse over your hand for easy scooping.

16 An Easy Walk Harness That Keeps Your Dog Protected

Petsafe, Easy Walk Harness

If your dog tends to choke himself with excitement every time a squirrel darts by or a new dog walks up, you need this easy walk harness. The fully adjustable strap system steers your dog to your side to help reduce leash pulling — while also preventing them from gagging on their collar when they lunge. It comes in eight custom sizes and seven colors including green, black, purple, brown, raspberry, red, and blue.

17 A No-Foam Toothpaste That Fights Bad Breath And Controls Tartar

CET Enzymatic Toothpaste

Formulated with an extra-strong, enzymatic solution, this high-quality doggie toothpaste prevents tartar build-up and reduces bad breath. The toothpaste is designed for pups who form plaque rapidly, showcasing an enzyme system that is more abrasive than your typical toothpaste. It won't foam up, is safe for them to swallow, and comes in five flavors including beef, malt, poultry, seafood, and vanilla-mint.

18 A Pack Of Squeaky Toys That Don't Have Stuffing To Shred

ZippyPaws, Skinny Peltz No Stiffing Squeaky Toy 

All dog owners know that stuffing is the bane of their existence. This stuffing-free squeaky toy, however, lets your dog chew to their heart's content without covering the living room in shreds of white puffs. The value pack comes with three toys for a low price — including a fox, raccoon, and squirrel. "Bought these for my Pomeranian and she loves them!" said one Amazon user. "I wanted something that squeaked, was light weight, and came in a package of more than one.. and this was EXACTLY what I was looking for!"

19 A Set Of Training Bells That Your Dog Can Ring To Go Outside

BLUETREE Dog Doorbells Potty Training Bells

These dog training bells provide an innovative way to communicate with your dog during potty training — it teaches them to ring the bell when they're ready to go. That means you'll never have to worry about them scratching at the door, whimpering, or barking when they need to relieve themselves. The adjustable design makes it easy to change the height to cater to your dog's specific size, and the soft jingle is pleasant and easy on your ears.

20 An Interactive Toy That Dispenses Treats While It Rolls Around

Our Pets, IQ Treat Ball Interactive Toy

Keep your dog sharp and on its toes — literally — with this interactive treat ball that dispenses goodies as it moves across your floor. The toy features adjustable difficulty levels so you can start easy and work your way up to harder challenges as your dog gets better at the game. The device, which twists apart easily to fill or wash, can be used for exercise, brain training, or to encourage slow feeding for pups who eat too fast.

21 A Cool Fountain That Provides Filtered Water For Your Dog All Day Long

PetSafe, Drinkwell Platinum Pet Fountain

Rather than refilling your dog's bowl several times a day and letting the water get warm and dirty, this clever pet fountain filters their water, keeps it cold, and ensures that it flows all day long. With a 168-ounce capacity, the fountain will fit dogs of all sizes — so it's an awesome choice whether you have a Pomeranian or a Great Dane. Lots of dogs are drawn to free-falling water streams, and the replaceable carbon filter makes the water taste better, so it's likely the apparatus will make your pup drink more frequently.

22 A Toy With Little Sliders You Can Hide Treats In To Stimulate Their Brain

Spot Interactive Seek-A-Treat Shuffle Bone Toy

Featuring ten compartments and six sliding disks, this interactive dog treat toy gives dogs a way to fight off boredom while increasing their mental aptitude. Use the wooden, bone-shaped puzzle board to hide treats and watch them try to get them out. On top of strengthening cognitive abilities, the toy increases their positive behavioral habits.

23 A Mat To Put Under Their Food Dishes To Keep The Floors Clean

PetFusion, Waterproof Pet Mat

If the area around your dog's dishes is always covered stray dog food and splashes of water, this waterproof pet mat will help you keep the floors clean. Constructed with durable, top-quality silicone material, the mat is flexible and able to sustain paw scratches and other doggie-induced wear and tear. It has a raised lip around the edge so water won't spill over, and textured bumps to prevent the bowls from sliding around.

24 A Food Storage Container That Looks Good And Keeps The Odor In

Gamma2 Vittles Vault Plus Food Storage Container

This food storage container helps keep dog food fresh with an airtight seal, and it's definitely more aesthetically pleasing than an overflowing paper bag. It prevents odors around the food bag because the pet food smell stays contained in the vault, the container comes in three different sizes (and the largest can hold 35 pounds of kibble) with a free measuring cup, and one reviewer writes: "My dog is happier with consistently fresh food, and I'm happy with the perfectly sized and easy-to-use design. No more fumbling with dog food bags. This has been a great investment."

25 A Plush Toy You Can Hide Squeaky Squirrels In To Keep Your Dog Entertained

Outward Hound, Hide-A-Squirrel Puzzle Plush Toy

This cool interactive dog toy features five squeaky squirrels and a plush, tree-shaped container. The idea is that you hide the squirrels inside the trees (aka "Hide and Squeak") and let your dog dig them out with its snout. The toy helps dogs stay engaged, fends off boredom, and strengthens their mental capacities. You can also use the toy, which is available in different sizes for varying breeds, to play fetch and add some bonding time.

26 A Hyper-Absorbent Towel To Dry Them Off After Baths

Bone Dry, Microfiber Pet Bath Towel

When you dry your pooch off after a bath or a wet trip to the park, you don't want to use your nice terry cloth towels. This fantastic microfiber pet towel is made especially for canines with ultra-soft, hyper-absorbent material that lifts moisture from their fur and soaks it up quickly. As a bonus, the cozy towel makes a great blanket for kennels and dog beds, too.

27 A Super Effective Detangling Brush To Remove Mats Of Clumped Fur

GoPets, Dematting Comb

Brushing your dog can be a Herculean task when their fur is covered in mats and little doggie knots. Fortunately, this brilliantly designed de-matting comb offers a way to get a brush through their hair, detangling and un-matting as you go. The double-sided comb offers a low-density rake on one side for de-matting extra stubborn tangles, while the other side is higher density for de-shedding and detangling.

28 A Genius Paw Cleaner That Removes Caked Mud From Their Fee

Dexas Mudbuster Portable Dog Paw Cleaner

You can wipe your dog's paws over and over, but when they've got mud between their footpads and claws, they're going to track it all over the floor. This completely genius dog paw cleaner is built with squishy silicone bristles in the middle that get in between the pads on their feet, claws, and nails. Just add water to the device, stick your dog's paw inside, and gently twist back and forth — voilá, instantly clean paws.

29 An 'Adidog' Track Suit To Make Your Pup Look Adorably Cool While Staying Warm

Adidog Pet Clothes

Not only will this athleisure-style doggie track suit keep your pup warm, it will also make them look cool AF. With an easy-snap button closure design, the suit is a breeze to put on and take off, while the soft cotton feels cozy against their fur. The jumper is available in twelve different sizes and nine colors including black, blue, green, gray, orange, pink, red, yellow, and white.

30 A Pair Of Grooming Gloves That Massage Your Dog While You Work

DELOMO, Pet Grooming Gloves

Constructed with 255 silicone grooming tips, these grooming gloves give your dog a massage while you sweep their fur for loose hair and dander. The sticky material grabs shedding hairs, picking up dirt and clumps of fur as you swipe through. You can also use the gloves at bath time, soaping up the soft rubber to scrub your pooch clean in a gentle manner.

31 An Extra Thick Toy That's Nearly Impossible To Chew Through

KONG Extreme Dog Toy

The KONG is a classic interactive dog toy that stimulates the mind while it entertains. You can stuff it with peanut butter or shove it full of dog treats to give them extra inspiration, and when you're not using it for mental stimulation, it can also be used to play fetch. The thick, durable rubber is almost impossible to chew through, making this one of the longest lasting dog toys out there.

32 A Pack Of Chew Sticks That Act Like Mini Toothbrushes

Greenies, Original Dog Dental Chews

If your dog's breath scares away the neighbors, these doggie dental chews are just the antidote. Made with vitamins and minerals that promote optimal canine oral health, the ingredients are highly soluble so you dog won't have a hard time digesting them. The bumpy texture cleans their teeth and gums while they chew, and it's an easy way to get many of the same benefits of brushing when you don't have time to sit down and stick a toothbrush in their mouth.

33 A Handy Bag To Store Their Treats And Accessories In

Paw Lifestyles Dog Treat Training Pouch

Store your dog's beefy kibbles and treats in this handy training pouch that you can sling around your shoulder when you head for the park. It features an easy-to-use drawstring top and a main compartment that can hold dog toys in addition to treats. It has a built-in poop bag holder and two rings to hang training clickers, and if you don't want to wear it over your shoulder, it also has a removable waistband and strong metal belt clip.

34 A Black Light That Can Detect Where Your Dog Peed While You Were Away

ESCO LITE, UV Flashlight Black Light Urine Detector

Next time your dog gives you that guilty look but you can't figure out why, use this clever black light to scour the house. The special UV rays are able to detect urine so you can determine where the smell is coming from and get it up as quickly as possible. "This thing is so good," said one Amazon user. "It shows every single stain over the years where our dog peed when he was a puppy and still having accidents on the carpet."

35 A Super Effective Flea And Tick Collar That Lasts Eight Months

Bayer Animal Health, Seresto Flea And Tick Collar

Instead of treating your dog every month, use this flea and tick collar to keep the bugs away. The grease-free, odorless collar kills fleas and ticks upon contact, allowing you to save all the money you spend every month on other flea treatments. The collar, which features a low concentration, continuous release design, lasts for eight months.

36 A Convenient Pooper Scooper That Picks Up Waste Without You Bending Over

Dogit Jawz Waste Scoop

Never again bend over to scoop up dog poop with a thin little baggy — this brilliant waste scooper lets you do everything while standing upright, and you'll avoid sticking your hands in the mess. The spring-loaded scooper is easy to use and collects the waste in one simple motion. Store it in your backyard to keep the grass clean, or even take it with you on walks to ditch the scoop bags.

37 This Unique Shower Attachment For An Easy Bath

Waterpik, Pet Wand Pro Shower Attachment

Whether your dog loves baths or goes running every time he hears the faucet turn, this shower attachment will make the experience more pleasant for everyone. With a curved shape, the device delivers a powerful spray that you can use like a water comb, running it up and down the length of their body. It feels like a gentle massage and is immensely helpful for getting soap out of thick fur. The attachment has an 8-foot flexible hose for extended reach and can also be attached to your garden hose for outdoor baths.

[some1foundme]

Fic: Lost in the Memory ch. 11

Title: Lost in the Memory

Author: Some1FoundMe

Summary: Oliver Queen returns to his home in Star City after a five year tour overseas, much to the delight of his friends and family. There’s just one small problem. The injury that effectively ended his military career also erased a part of his memory.  As he struggles to put together the missing pieces of his past, his connection to his best friend’s little sister becomes something he can’t avoid. Who is Felicity Merlyn and why can’t he seem to stay away from her?  Olicity AU, no Arrow, no island.

A/N:  I cannot begin to tell you how much all of your kind words mean to me.  To everyone who is taking the time to read this, thank you so much!  And if you’re leaving reviews, whether once or on every chapter, I am so incredibly grateful!  I’m so glad that everyone seems to really be enjoying this story.  I wish I could tell you that the angst will lessen as it continues but… well, this is definitely a slow burn where Oliver’s memories are concerned.  But there are definitely moments where things get a little bit lighter.  This chapter, I think, contains a certain level of angst but not nearly as much as the previous chapter.  Also, this is where that M rating begins… just saying. Lastly, because I’m rambling here, I have to say thank you (again) to the best beta ever, westernbeauty.  Thank you thank you thank you!

Read it on AO3 or ff.net.

Chapter Eleven

For two days they avoided talking about it.

The morning after her breakdown, Felicity had woken up with Oliver wrapped around her.  He’d been sound asleep but his warm, hard chest had been glued to her back.  She’d panicked, all of the desires she’d felt the night before coming alive inside of her again, and she’d scrambled from the bed.  She’d found solace in the bathroom, showering methodically and buying herself time before she had to wake Thea for the day.  When she’d returned to the bedroom, Oliver had made himself scarce.

That had been Tuesday morning and as Felicity prepped her coffee early on Friday, she waited anxiously for him to appear.

He’d spent the past two nights on the couch, refusing her offer of Tommy’s old room, and even though they were perfectly civil to one another when Thea was home, they could hardly look at each other when they were alone.

“Morning.”

Felicity started, hot coffee sloshing over the lip of her mug and scalding her hand.  

“Ow, shit, uh, m-morning.”

She grabbed for a dish towel to mop up the mess only to find herself unable to move as she caught sight of Oliver behind her.  His disheveled hair was sticking up at odd angles and lines from his pillow had been imprinted on his cheek.  He barely managed to cover a yawn as he shuffled barefoot across the room.  His chest was bare and the sweats he wore hung dangerously low on his hips.

Felicity looked away quickly and cleared her throat.

“Thea will be down soon. Would you – do you mind helping with breakfast?  There’s oatmeal ready in the pot on the stove, she just needs a sliced banana and some chocolate chips.”

“Sure.”

“Great, I’m going to – I’m gonna take a shower then and we’ll leave after breakfast.”

With her eyes strictly focused on the floor, she stepped around him and fled the room.

It wasn’t until she was safely locked away in the bathroom that Felicity finally relaxed.  She leaned heavily against the closed door. She sighed and shut her eyes.

She tipped her head back and let the hot water wash over her face. She let it cleanse the tears from her cheeks even though it stung.

She’d promised herself that she’d be strong, that she would hold herself together.  She had promised Oliver that everything would be okay.  And it will be, she told herself, we’ve been here before.  Tommy and Oliver would be leaving for Havenrock in the morning and by the end of the week, they’d be on a military transport headed for the Middle East.  They’d been lucky the first time around, all three of them, but Felicity knew that their luck had finally run out.  She’d be lucky if her brother and husband came home to her in anything less than two years.

She heard the soft click of the door as it opened, a burst of chilly air cutting through the steam, and then Oliver was there, pushing back the shower curtain and stepping in behind her.  He wrapped his arms around her waist and tugged her into his body. She closed her eyes, a few tears sliding down her cheeks.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” Oliver whispered, the scruff along his jaw abrading her damp skin, “We’re going to be okay.”

She nodded and let her head fall to his shoulder.

“I know.”

“Don’t cry, Felicity, please.  I promise you, I’ll come home.”

She covered his arms with her own where they were banded across her abdomen.  She thread their fingers together and guided Oliver’s hand between her thighs.  She pressed her ass into his groin, feeling his cock harden at her hip.  Turning her head, she offered him her mouth.

“Felicity.”

She pressed closer when his fingers dipped into her folds, gliding across her clit.  She moaned softly.

“Please, Oliver,” she whispered, “I need you.”

He growled, a low rumble from deep in his chest, and the sound shook her.  He massaged her clit with hard strokes of his fingertips, the quick passes making her legs tremble.  She was on the edge after only a few moments, her body keyed up and ready for him, and when his teeth closed around her earlobe at the same time he thrust two fingers deep into her heat, pleasure erupted in her core.  Felicity came with a sharp cry, the sound echoing off of the tiled walls as tears mixed with the water flowing over them.

“I love you,” Oliver breathed into her ear, “I love you so much, Felicity.”

Felicity turned in his arms and Oliver drew her closer.  She pressed her ear to his chest and listened to the pounding of his heart.  She kissed a small, round scar that marred his flesh.

“I love you, too, Oliver.”

His hands slid down her back and he lifted her with his hands on her thighs.  She wrapped her legs around him, pressing her face to the crook of his neck as he carried her into their bedroom.  She dropped kisses across his shoulder, her lips gliding up his neck to the spot just behind his ear that she knew drove him crazy.  She nipped at his flesh just as Oliver lay her back on the bed, covering her with his body.  He brushed wet hair from her face.

“I will come home, sweetheart.”

“I know.  I know, Oliver… make love to me.  I need you, I need to feel you,” she whispered, “Now, baby, please.”

Felicity came back into the kitchen ready for the day and found Oliver and Thea finishing their breakfast.

“Get a move on, babe, you still need to brush your teeth.”

Thea shoveled one last spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth before taking her bowl to the sink and heading for the stairs.  Felicity went to refill her coffee cup.

“Do you mind if I go with you?”

Surprised, she turned to find Oliver watching her.

“You – you want to ride along?  I mean, I’m just going to drop her off and come back here.”

He nodded, “If you don’t mind.”

“Uh, no.  No, I don’t mind at all,” she told him, sipping her coffee.

She finished the cup standing at the counter, watching Oliver as he finished his breakfast and his own coffee.  He’d put on a t-shirt at some point while she’d been upstairs and he’d run his fingers through his hair.

Thea skipped back into the kitchen, waving a piece of paper around with flourish.

“Aunt Felicity, can you sign my permission slip?”

She set her cup in the sink.

“Permission slip for what?”

“We’re going to the aquarium!” Thea announced.

Felicity took the sheet of paper from her niece and looked it over.  She frowned and gave Thea a stern look.

“This is due today.  We’ve talked about this,” she sighed, pulling open a drawer and searching for a pen, “You have to give me these things when you get them, Thea.  Go find my purse please.  You have to take in a check, too.”

When Thea went out to the living room, Oliver stood and brought his dishes to the sink.

“Good to know she’s a normal eleven year old,” he said wryly, “I take it that this isn’t uncommon?”

Felicity rolled her eyes.

“Sadly, no.  And it drives me crazy.”

Oliver smirked and she couldn’t help but return it.  He was standing across from her, a safe distance between them, but she could still feel the heat coming off of him.  She forced herself to ignore it.

Thea plopped Felicity’s purse on the kitchen counter.

“Sorry, Aunt Felicity, I forgot.”

Felicity sighed and kissed the top of Thea’s head.

“I know, kiddo, it’s alright.  Go get your shoes and coat, okay?  We’re running late.”

She scratched her signature on the permission slip and wrote out a check, tucking both into Thea’s backpack.  She and Oliver walked through the house together.  He helped her into her coat.

The drive to Thea’s school was short and when she jumped out of the truck, waving at the pair of them, Felicity couldn’t help noticing the grin on Oliver’s face.  His eyes followed Thea all the way to the door.

A car horn blared and Felicity glared at the frazzled mother in the minivan behind them.  She pulled away from the curb and headed back to the house.

“Are we ever going to talk about what happened the other night?”

She shouldn’t have been surprised by his question but the timing of it caught her off guard.

She shook her head, “Nope.”

“Felicity.”

“Really, Oliver, there’s nothing to talk about.”

He sighed and she felt his eyes on her as she turned onto their street.

“Maybe this isn’t a good idea,” he began, “It might be better if –“

“Stop, please, I – It’s fine, really.  I just… I lost control, okay?  But it was only for a minute and it won’t happen again.  I’m good now.  I’ll be good.”

She pulled into the drive and parked in front of the garage.  As she opened the door to get out, Oliver’s hand on her arm stopped her.

“You weren’t the only one who lost control, Felicity.”

Felicity closed the door and leaned against it.

“I shouldn’t have let it get that far but I – I wanted you, too.”

Her pulse raced, her heart jumping in her chest.

“Why, though? Oliver, why did you want me?” she asked, “You don’t even know me.”

He sighed, “Don’t do that, Felicity.  You know that I – I’m trying to remember you.  And I’m a man.  I see you, how kind and sweet and beautiful you are.  I’d have to be an idiot not to want you.  Plus, you wanted me.  I saw it. I felt it.  You’re my wife and I know that I love you, I just don’t…”

“You just don’t feel it.”

Oliver shrugged and Felicity sighed.

“God, this is awful,” she muttered.

He chuckled, “That’s putting it mildly.”

She smiled sadly.

“Thank you,” she told him, “For stopping.  I – I’m sure that I would’ve felt terrible about it after.  Not because we – you know ­– but because you still don’t…”

He reached for her hand. His fingers were cold.

“This will get easier, Felicity.  It doesn’t matter if I get my memory back or not.  I’ll still be here.  We can start over if that’s what it takes.”

“Are you sure that that’s what you want?  That I … that I’m what you want?”

He squeezed her fingers and she lifted her eyes to his.

“This is killing me, too. Seeing your beautiful face every day and not being able to … and not knowing you?  It’s driving me crazy.  How is it that I can’t remember someone who loves me so much?  Someone who made me so happy?  I want to remember, sweetheart, I do.  But – but there’s no guarantee that I ever will.  And if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.  It’ll take a lot of work to get our relationship back but I’m willing to put in the effort if you are.  I want to be the man that I was when I was with you.”

She forced the words around the knot in her throat.

“I want that, too, Oliver. I want it so much it hurts.”

Felicity moved, sliding across the seat and allowing Oliver to draw her into his arms.

“You won’t leave then?”

He sighed, “It might be easier if I did.  I can stay with my parents, give you space and … and time to get used to this.”

“I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to this, Oliver,” she confessed, “But I don’t want space.  I just want things to go back to normal. At least as much as they can.  And you living with your parents?  That is about as far from normal as you can get.”

The cab of the truck was cold as the crisp winter air worked its way in but Felicity barely noticed. The heat that Oliver’s body gave off was enough to keep her warm.

“Oliver?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you… would it help if I gave you the letters?” she asked, “The letters that you wrote me while you were overseas?  I’ve got more than two dozen of them.  I can get them for you if you think that they’ll help.”

He was quiet for longer than she was comfortable with.  When she pulled away to look up at him, she was surprised by the apprehension in his eyes.

“Oliver?”

He cleared his throat and looked away from her.

“If you don’t mind,” he muttered, “I – yeah, it might help.”

She smiled, “Why would I mind?  You wrote them, Oliver.”

“They’re personal. They – they’re yours.”

Felicity shook her head, “No, they’re ours.  You have as much right to them as I do.  And of course they’re personal but the words are yours.  You are the only person that I’d share them with.  I think … I think they might give you a clearer picture of what we were like as a couple, of how strong we were together.”

Oliver lifted his hand to her face and his thumb brushed along her cheek just below the rim of her glasses, leaving a trail of fire in its wake.  It was clear that the physical attraction between them hadn’t lessened, hadn’t faded in all the time they’d been apart, and she hoped that it never would.

“I’m not going to give up. Even if I can’t remember, I won’t give up.”

She leaned further into him and Oliver’s arms tightened around her.

“I won’t give up either, Oliver, I promise.”