#gotta love turning Chronic Illness into Food For My Word Processor

[isthe-protag-cluelesstho]

As someone who is kinda just floating my way through life right now, I've kinda been thinking about what my favorite characters say about who I am and like, what I want,

I mean, I've fallen into the Trap of Webnovels, one of the biggest black holes of How Do We Fuck With The Trope and while I clearly am not alone in my love of Cale Hetinuse, Han Yoojin and Kim Dokja (and likely other blind lovable bastards I haven't found yet), what exactly is it that makes their loneliness so true?

This may of course be my stupid migraine talking, but one of the things I find so fascinating about Webnovels is how consistently they deal with themes of Being An Outsider. Fundamentally, even just a passing glance at the summaries or a roll through the current trending set of Most Popular Stories, shows the persisting theme of being Other in some way,

One of the biggest genres, not just in Webnovels but most Very Online media are Isekais in some form, or the protagonist is thrust suddenly into not simply the stress of life, but the stress of having to either hide your true nature or otherwise display what sets you apart, driving further into their separation from the rest of the characters.

A lot of them now even twist this further, showcasing protagonists who "arent supposed to be there" or who are the "wrong" person to step up into the story.

God, it's like we as a group of people living in the world have reckoned with how far our lives and hopes have strayed from the goal, and have poured all of it into characters who still feel as though they can never belong.

I am US American and thus am reading these stories through at least 3 layers of additional abstraction on top of the already dense nature of Webnovel Fan Culture. I am still learning how to glean the hidden themes from stories which have started to generate triple decker layers of nuance and in joke so ubiquitous, my only viable comparison is that old Tumblr post joking about how reading AO3 tags was it's own form of dialect incomprehensible to anyone not submerged in it

And yet still, I can tangibly feel the ache in some of these stories. Across far too much space, linked only by the light of our respective screens, I am admiring the skill of these stories to articulate the depth of my isolation.

The characters I love tend to be people who feel as though they cannot be accepted. That they must atone for whatever it was that brought them to their current place in the story. An empress who leans into her divorce because she believes she cannot be anything other than herself, and that that self is an undesirable burden. A man who cannot believe he is allowed a family, that his presence will inevitably end that family's peace so he should fulfill his "role" as a hapless, useless piece of trash. A man out of time, who sacrificed everything for his brother and yet believes he's worthless, willfully stubbornly blind to any injury he has cause that would mean admitting that he matters. And on, and on, and on,

I am mostly just talking in order to codify exactly what it is that draws me in, and I frankly think... It's cause I feel seen.

I have always loved lonely characters, Anne of Green Gables, Ender Wiggan, The Goose Girl. Characters who are lost until they settle finally with the people meant to care for them,

I think Webnovel protagonists are so compelling to me cause they highlight how even when you are tremendously lucky or powerful or intelligent, the world does not care. It's only through the Power Of Friendship (both ironically and unironically) that the heros find peace. I guess they soothe the part of me that wishes I could be healthier or richer or more satisfied with my life, they vent the stress of Living THrough Interesting Times and honest to god they remind me to think about my friends and my actual goals. To remove myself from the idea that Achieving The Win Condition would actually help with my loneliness. Cause really, the only way to stop being lonely is to build relationships you can trust to show up at the end of the world, or to bail you out of Time Prison or pick you up outside of Imperial Divorce Court

What's the point if it's not to strive towards connecting with the people you love?