#gotta be honest kinda proud of myself for that

[the-togepi-man]

How is The Togepi Man doing? The men in your life taking care of you perhaps ?

Haha well, things are a bit.. rough right now I guess. Just a lot of things going on with a lot of people. I'm doing my best to make sure I can support and care about the folks that matter to me- it just almost seems like bad news comes in faster than good these days. That and I want to have high faith in the election but I can't help but to worry. As for the men- Sean is off on business again until Saturday morning, but he's doing amazing at work. I'm honestly so proud of him and all that he does - It sucks that he travels so much but I know it's going to secure an awesome future for he and I and any partner we pick up along the way bahaha. I just gotta do what I can to support him. Plus I'm not too bad on my own- I can handle it. This time of year that tends to happen a lot anyways. Kinda cant stand the holiday season if we're being honest! As for other men, there aren't any. I'm trying to learn more about myself and become a little bit of a better version of me for the friends I have right now. I tried hookups and some apps and stuff but it's not really clicking with me right now, that or im not clicking with others. Anyhow, had a good talk with my buddy the other day (but even if he said i sound like a sad steven universe song), felt like I was able to clarify myself and understand him better. Learning how to talk with someone that matters to you is a cool feeling i think. Reminded me of when I first met Sean and just didnt fully understand him at all. Took about two-ish years for us to start clicking but now we rock haha. Grew my world view and helped me be able to understand and love more folks

Things are rough around me right now, and my little heart beats quite a lot, but things will be ok

[fahbev]

Babs, Bruce and Danny in my dpxdc merfolk au!!!

argh, plz excuse the poorly edited photo lmao- lost a lot of detail TvT

Babs has her info Here. But this is her design! I’m not actually entirely sure if any of these designs are final, i might tweak them, but here she is! I gave her necklaces.

Bruce is based on a leatherback sea turtle! The spots aren’t actually super accurate to a leatherback’s underside, but if you look at it a little harder... you may find a fun little easter egg. It’s subtle... or at least i tried to make it that way. (If people don’t get it i’ll explain in a rb lol) Did you know that leatherback sea turtles can be up to 880 pounds? Idk what that is in metric but that’s roughly 7 and a half Bahfevs. They’re also much more triangular/less round than other turtles, so I reflected that in his design. And ofc, Bruce and Damian are both sea turtles bc they’re related. But they’re different sea turtle species so it doesn’t make much sense. Who gives a flip. What’s Talia, you ask? To that I say: 🤷‍♀️

(Side note: apparently, I’ve conditioned myself so I can’t draw nuetral expressions. It’s gotta have some emotion or else it looks wrong, and it feels natural to always have something going on there. So... drawing Stoic McStoicface here was a pain in the penis. He kinda has an expression anyway lol)

Danny is based on a ghost knife fish! I’ll be honest, i didn’t even know these existed until I looked up “ghost fish” in the hopes of finding something thematic. But then... omg! They’re black with little white accents? Like Danny’s design? And they have cool, funky bodies? AND they produce electricity!?? That’s so FKING COOL! I’ll have to do more research, but so far i’m pretty sure they don’t produce enough electricity to hurt someone. They are related to electric eels though! I first learned that electric eels were knife fish and not true eels when I was researching the moray eel for Duke. Funny how that connects!

Danny’s story under the cut!

Heehoo!

Okay so basically: Danny went diving to gather pearls because he wanted to make his parents happy/proud. While he was diving, His foot got caught in a rock and he couldn’t get it out. He panicked and he begged— to who? God, maybe? The universe, or the ocean? Maybe just begging fate or any higher power that could be out there, he doesn’t know. His only prayer was “Don’t let me drown!”. Unbeknownst to him, one of the pearls he’d grabbed was a magic, wish granting pearl. They’re rare enough that humans don’t even have legends of them... but the merfolk do ;).

The pearl took his very non-specific wish and decided to give him a tail and gills. He swam back up in a panic, and saw his new tail. Of course, this is a very horrifying thing to happen. But in less than a minute... it was already starting to dry off. As it dried, it turned back into skin.

Now, Danny has to be extremely careful not to get his legs or hair wet when he’s near people, because he’ll turn back into a merboy.

i... probably should have given him a shirt? He’d be wearing it, right? But i also did need to see what I was doing with that fin thing lol. I mean, a shirt would get annoying with that fin- he’d probably take it off. Tbh he’d probably have it off when swimming in general? Idk.

So: funny thing that happened when I was drawing Danny:

A first grader came up to me while I had it open on my desk, and she was like:

“Oh my god, that’s so good! Like, how did you even draw that?”

so I was like: “Oh thank you! ❤️”

And I think she asked again “How did you even draw that?”

so I was a little confused on how to answer, so I said:

“Well, I used my pencil...” and held up my pencil—

and then she got distracted by a spinny chair.

She’s so precious omg 🥰

[buckybringsviolets]

Can I get a letter from 40s Bucky? Like an enemies to lovers one. Where he lists all the things that annoys him about her and then confesses that he actually loves them and her? A little angst to sweet sweet fluff?

Love>Hate

Hope this is what you had in mind!

40's Bucky X Female Reader

600+ words

No warnings except for lovesick Buck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Little troublemaker,

      You asked me why I hate you so I’m gonna tell ya. I’m gonna try to keep my cool and not curse, but dammit doll, no one makes my blood boil like you do. And before you go and call me chicken for not confronting you in person with this, I’m only writin’ you ‘cause I don’t want to catch heck from Steve. 

Okay, here goes, right outta the gate, when we first met, at the age of 8. When Steve introduced you. “Bucky?! What kinda name’s that? Sounds like your ma & pa named you after a dog.” You then started giggling, Stevie joining in with ya. “It’s a nickname, short for Buchanan, my middle name.” I told you, a smirk on my face. And you just smiled at me.

 Even then, so young, but such a know-it-all. The way you talked, like you know everything, rattling off facts left and right, Ol’ Stevie just listening to ya like you’re the smartest person alive or something. “Did you know that horses and cows can sleep standing but only dream when lying down?” you’d look so proud, waiting for me to say something. “Yeah, that’s really something sweetheart.” 

 Speaking of Steve, don’t think I didn’t notice how you worked your way into his heart, by the time we were starting middle school it became Y/N & Steve this, Stevie & Y/N that. Stevie said you always asked about me, wondering why I was around much, but I think you were just looking to tease me about something. 

  That summer, between middle & high school? The trip the 3 of us took to Coney Island? Not only did you chase away Betty McIntosh (she was a real cookie! 😍) but you won that stuffed bear, THEN gave it to me! Jesus, doll, I wanted to win one for you!

  I’m not even going to start in on prom. Every girl I asked, every one, said no way, that I was too hung up on you. “Y/N?! Are you nuts?” then they’d say “Yes, y/n!”  I honestly don’t know what you told them to say that. But you must’ve said something. 

    And now, the way you go out with these guys, active duty men, I nicely warn you about them, ask you where they’re planning on taking ya. And you get all feisty with me “that’s none of your concern Bucky!”  Just me looking out for you, and you’ve gotta get all upset with me. Just being a gentleman and all I catch is flak.

  Doll, I’m gonna be a bit honest here, you kinda stunned me with what you said. “Bucky, why do you hate me?” a look on your face like I ain’t never seen before, something like concern, maybe heartbreak? And me, hate YOU? That is most certainly not something I could ever feel for you. 

  From the first time I saw you, when Stevie said “ this is y/n y/l/n, she’s new in town.” I knew. I was hooked. Doll, you are everything to me and more. But how could I ever tell you just how perfect you are? Not when I’m so… so not perfect. So I pushed you away. For your own good. Convinced myself you were better off without a mess up like myself. 

  So hate is not what I feel towards, for, you. Love, adoration, deep affection, definitely. You are amazing, gorgeous, so amazingly smart, generous to a fault. How could I not adore you, doll face? 

  Now before you start screaming at me, cut me some slack. I know I’m a dope, Stevie lets me know that every chance he gets. I’m crazy ‘bout you sweetheart, so maybe my brains a bit fried. 

 How about you let me take you out? Little dancing, a quick bite to eat, try my damndest to make it up to ya. Because y/n, you are IT for me. The endgame. ‘Till the end of line doll. 

  My love, always

  James Buchanan Barnes

[firstdivisiongirl]

OH MY GAH HIIII !! I SAW THAT YOU DO MATCHUPS SO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD A REQ FOR THAT BUT W TOKREV CHARACTERS ??? :DDDD i dont mind anyone tbh so dw abt choosing :33

ok i'll just drop some background info abt myself here :33

i'm aromantic + nonbinary, i am an entp 7w6 and i'm a pisces !! i like to draw, listen to music (either metal or just mainstream music i listen to whatever atp) and dance in my freetime !! :3

based on my personality ::

my friends tend to tell me that i'm the embodiment of the quote "dont judge a book by its' cover" cuz on the outside i act like a full on metalhead and really passive aggressive but at home i sleep next to a whole tower of plushies 💀🙏 and i collect stickers of silly little cats and otters (not my fault that they're so cute oml) i'm usually the clown of the group !! i tend to be hyperactive but my emotions change a lot- one second talking to me is like trying to get a toddler to pay attention to your teacher and the other is like trying not to get bitten by a rabid dog (my friend's words not mine). i tend to be a loud mouth srry . . . i do try to be quiet if necessary but if i get excited when talking i am a walking speaker . . . i get rlly excited if my favorite things are mentioned ?! like i would get rlly happy, smiley and would talk about it until i forget to breathe !! i like to consume horror media ?? idk if i can say that without sounding like an edgelord sobsob im sorry . . . i just love consuming those types of media (as a former kid w unsupervised access to the internet-) and i tend to ramble abt them along w other philosophical topics !! i like to discuss abt meaning of life, whether there are other universes, abt the capabilities of the human mind, etc. they're just so interesting!!! :] i guess im proud to say that my best trait is my humor 😋 maybe im overconfident abt this one cuz i just have pretty dumb sense of humor if im being honest frfr i tend to say things out of context . . . i like terrorizing my friends by saying the most outrageous things and overexaggerating them for the fun of it :333 though sometimes i kinda mean what i say

for my ideal partner ::

i'd say i would like someone who's fun to be around but at the same time they gotta be interesting for me to find them fun . . . like they gonna have smth to them that makes me wanna observe them like they're a lab rat being experimented on and being put under observation :33 ppl like that make me wanna see whats inside them and how they see the world around them !! i just love those kinds of ppl aaaaa ik im overdramatic for this one but like . . . i need someone who can handle me- as in my emotions and sometimes my way of loving . . . cuz if i did love someone, i would obsess over them and would dream of dying w them out of euphoria cuz being w my partner is the only thing that keeps me alive and human 😞 i wanna feel genuine happiness and pure bliss w my partner so thats why after that i think we should die together, that way we both know that finally we lived our life to the fullest (in my pov, 'the fullest' means you finally reach the climax of ur happiness/u live to the moment where you're the happiest you've ever been) (idk if that makes sense but that has always been my fantasy LAWD IM RAMBLING) need someone whos as crazy as i am :333 if he aint insane i dont want him fr i need to make him worse /j

i think thats all abt me :333 pls take ur time and make sure to put urself first btw !! aside from that, its ok if you ignore this one cuz at the end of the day its up to u <333 have a wonderful day/night mwah you're super cool

Hello! Of course you can have a matchup. Thank you for the kindness. I would like to warn you that I picked a somewhat controversial character. I hope you like it!

You Got...

Tetta Kisaki!!!

If boy can handle the chaos the is Shuji Hanma, he can handle you!

You wanted crazy...

Would love to see you smile when you get super excited about something! His favorite thing is to see the person he loves happy.

He is really really smart. So you would have very intellectual and philosophical discussions.

Would love that you aren't all you seem. Because he is the same way. You two can be badasses when out, but totally different when it is just the two of you (and Hanma sometimes when he is being Hanma and not leaving you all alone.)

Movie date nights. He'd let you pick it. If you're happy, he's happy.

[dead-or-lie]

💗 Relationships / lovers

💚 Friends / family members

It's your turn to talk about the polycule, my friend.

—yes! I love these losers! Happy to answer!

“Hehe..all of them are so wonderful..s-so where should I-i even start? W-well me and Sonia have interests in common..s-so it makes her easier to talk to than I-i orionally thought..I-im glad she doesnt look at me weierdly for enjoying all the gore in the films we watch! S-she..is so kind and patient to me..I-im so thankful..”

“I-i..I kinda find Gundham difficult to talk to still because of h-his speeching style..but I-i think im slowly learning!! D-despite that..he can really be a nice person despite his act..hehe I-i wont lie his fears of horror movies i-is amusing, but ah! P-please dont tell him I said that! I-I hope we can get closer in this relationship..and heal him if he ever needs it!”

“I-I feel like a owe a lot to H-hajime for being so patient with me..I-I was so worried I was wierding him out! But he sticks with me all the same and even helps me when Im getting scared. I-I know he gets scared of my medical equipment though..s-so I try to be careful when I help him with injuries, rare as they may be. I-Im really happy with him!”

“Kazuichi..r-reminds me of myself in a way I-I cant explain..m-maybe because of how easily nervous we can get. I-i hope he isnt upset for comparing us..th-though I dont think he will be. Hehe, he rambles sometimes, but he is fun to talk to. Though..I-i do worry about all the mechanic work he does due to all the equipment he uses..h-he always comes to me if he gets hurt though which makes me feel useful and m-makes me happy!”

—---------------------------

“F-family….? Th-they..they are all just a bunch of bullies..I don’t know where they are now and I dont care….AH! S-Sorry if thats a disappointing answer!”

“Heh..I cant believe I got to have any partner..let alone four. Though..I definitely can’t complain as they all are..really important to me. Sonia seems to think that I match some sort of legendary hero in Noveselic..I-im not sure about that, but I mean..Ill try to do my best to reach that expectation? Ethier way, she is easy to talk to and really kind to boot. I hope to teach her more about Japan and learn about her country more in return.”

“Gundham certainly did take awhile to understand, but now that I do I wouldnt trade that bond we have now for anything. Im pretty glad I reached above being a mere human at least..Proud to assist him in making his soul more atrocious as his partner..and all those other things he said we were. It..feels nice to be one of his..’souls chosen companion.’”

“Mikan is..ah I got to be honest..I worry about her a lot. She is so kind and has told me enough about her that..I dont ever want her to be hurt ever again. I really hope that me and the others can continue to make her happy as she really does deserve it. Probably the kindest of all of us..even if her love for horror was somewhat shocking.”

“What is there to say about Kazuichi? He is my soul brother for a reason..and thinking back about our relationship makes me laugh as I did joke about going on a date once or twice. Guess I was right! He is a good guy and I’m always happy to help if he ever needs anything..though I gotta ask..how in the world is he strong enough to pick me up? Im..Im I really that light..? Whatever not important. I really do care about him..a lot.”

—-------------------------------

“..I wonder..i wonder what my parents are doing now if I can be honest..I can barely even remember what they look like. From..what I heard..Hopes Peak lied to them and told me I was dead after the Kamakura Project. Maybe I should be mad..but Im actually thankful for that one thing as we never got along. There expectations were so high for me and they always disrespected my identity and who I was..The closest family I got is Izuru..as..ugh this is annoying to admit, but I do see him as a brother. While we sometimes have conflicts..like he is persistent about keeping our hair long which is super annoying..but Im thankful to have them. Nice to have a family member..”

[mangoposts]

OKAY im finally alone so TW for anyone reading this, i will be mentioning rape & knives/scars.

i'll try to make this short but the summer before i went into 10th grade, i had hung out w this guy and i really did just wanna hang out and go for a drive, but he thought i wanted to hook up. i definitely did not because i was a virgin and never done anything with a guy at all. he was a senior and a lot bigger than me and forced me into having sex w him, i kept saying no and stop and take me home but he just kept getting angrier and eventually held a knife to my like pubic bone? pelvis? just down there idk. so i caved. i hated every second and cried but i stopped fighting. i haven't had sex since then, im 20 years old now and i haven't even been fingered by a guy, never given or received head, and never given a handjob. and im honestly really embarrassed about it and wanna have sex with someone SO BADLY but im scared.

the main reason i'm scared isn't because i'm scared i'll be forced into it again, although that is absolutely in the back of my mind. i'm completely fine now and over the situation, but it does worry me that i could get overwhelmed and the guy im with wouldn't wanna stop. but my bigger fear which im 100x more embarrassed of, is what a guy is gonna think when he sees my pussy. now hear me out bc i know that sounds weird😭 but all throughout high school i always heard guys make comments about how ugly this girls pussy is or how gross this girls is and it terrified me. but now i'm even more scared because of what that guy did to me, he literally cut into my skin and left scars. what is a guy gonna think when he sees that? how am i supposed to explain all this? i just i have a lot of questions and concerns but i'm a fucking 20 year old "virgin" if i can even call myself that, i've technically had sex but i didn't want it so idk if i even count that as a body. i just have been panicking over this for forever and have no idea what to do, if you have any advice at all i'd really appreciate it so so much

- 🌙

Oh baby :-(. Im so sorry this happened to you. You were really young and you didn’t deserve that whatsoever, if you can feel it im giving you a hug thru the phone. Im so so so sorry and i hope that man is dead in a ditch somewhere 🤍

On the other hand, i promise you you have nothing to worry about at all. Im telling you rn and i know it sounds so corny and lame and everybody always says this but its true, the right person is not going to judge you for anything and im so Fr when i say that. Trust when i was in high school guys would say all kinda stupid shit like that about girls in the school and it never bothered me because i knew there was at least one person out there who wouldn’t care about anything other people would talk shit about, and i was right 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s so many people out there who would find u beautiful the way u are and just because some guys in the past thought in that immature goofy ass way doesn’t mean every guy will you know what i mean?

Babe, my only advice for you is to stay the way you are, hang out w ur frennies and the right person is gon come trust. It’ll come when you aren’t looking for it or worrying about it, when you least expect it to be honest. What you went through was horrible and it might be the worlds way of saying you gotta give yourself time before exploring that area of your life yanno. There’s NOTHINGGG wrong with being a virgin at any age let alone 20. You’re still young and you have ur whole life ahead of you. Don’t worry about this, when it happens it’s gonna be fine you’ll see it

Thank you so much for trusting me to be vulnerable with, im sorry if im treating you too delicately im just speaking thru the soul rn 😭 And again im sorry this happened to you. Even if i dont know u i love u a lot and im proud of you for moving past the situation despite how hard it might’ve been

Also im sorry for taking awhile to get back to you, i just scrolled through my inbox and finally found this

[hanamiyama-basketball-club]

anyway I guess I should use tumblr to put the lengthy talking to myself bits that nobody cares about instead of just making ten-tweet threads, huh (this may become a ten-tumblr-post thread though)

a thing I like to think about: my queer readings of yowamushi pedal characters. by which I mean something somewhere between headcanon and claims about intent; things that are the obvious to me way to fill in the rest of the story beyond what's on the page but which are still just the product of my own experience and perspective. I make no claims about authorial intent, and I doubt anything more concrete would ever come of it even if he did intend it. (maybe. I mean. if pedal ends with toumaki not at least cohabitating I will be kinda surprised tbqh)

so not just a list of who I think it would be cute if they were dating; more like "I can firmly imagine how this character would grapple with their sexuality(/gender in Yuuto's case) based tangentially on X from canon" which is a much smaller subset than "characters I think it would be cute if they kissed". ("grapple" bc I think everybody has to grapple with it somewhat, at least if it's not what they defaulted to expecting. it doesn't have to be tragic but it is A Process). none of this disclaimer is necessary but it's my tumblr and I feel better if I've stated my framework ahead of time.

anyway. after that stageplay (ETA: I started this post after watching The Day 1. I wish I was watching The Day 1 right now) I gotta start with The OGs, Toudou and Makishima.

toudou is always straightforward and honest with his feelings but also is very proud of his ability to Do Heterosexuality (or at least be desirable to women; there's never any indication of desire going the other way and I'm honestly not sure he's thought about it)

though he's toudou and if he set out to be desirable to men instead he'd probably also be great at that (but also he's very much the type who believes in true love and monogamy imo; he's too serious not to assume that he would fall in love once and forever)

anyway for that reason while I am generally sort of drawn to the classic BL "I'm not necessarily gay, I just love *him*" thing (definitely not going to argue that's an objectively *good* thing, but it feels like my own life experience) I really want toudou to be gay. like I don't think he can imagine being with anyone but makichan once that clicks for him, because that's the kind of person he is, but I want him to grapple with the realization that "I want women to be attracted to me" is not the same as "I am attracted to women" and that maybe his ability to see the whole thing as a job, essentially, should have been a sign to him.

I think he's come to some kind of realization about the nature of his feelings between makishima under the fireworks and him starting at tsukushiba and that's part of his change in tone. bc he is very very serious about this but also suddenly consideing the possibility of failure (which kinda seems like something he's never considered before at anything) and choosing to do it anyway. and I love him going "this is probably objectively stupid but I need something to work towards and I choose him."

the way he talks about the importance of sending something you touched with your own hands when you want your feelings to reach someone... and yeah, that could be just about feeling that he wants to ride together again, but that doesn't feel like an obvious reading does it?

and the way he talks to shuusaku about makichan (and the unsubtle way that toudou's feelings about makichan are always being juxtaposed with shuusaku's feelings about his judo senpai crush)! I absolutely cannot wait for shuusaku to meet makichan and, I mean, if they were ever going to move forward in this relationship shuusaku is always the key to toudou moving forwards, right? sensei always says that.

("why me? why do you always invite me?" "because you're makichan!")

makichan!

on the one hand, I think (with no evidence to be clear) makishima came to terms with his bisexuality very easily. sort of a "sure, that's the sort of thing that would happen to me." a little ruefully maybe, bc it's not like it makes his life any easier and he is a pessimistic guy, but he accepted it as true. (to be clear I am saying this as a bisexual albeit one that did not come to that conclusion anywhere near as directly lol) he also never planned to do anything about it because that sounds complicated and awkward and what if you hit on a guy who turned out to be straight. you'd have to crawl into a hole and die even if they were nice about it.

tbh I'm not sure how he planned to approach dating women either but he's a teen boy so there's probably some amount of at least subconscious like, girls aren't like real people and it's not like you're going to have to be emotionally vulnerable. maybe he didn't really expect that to work either; he does certainly seem to have internalized the idea of himself as a total creepazoid. I wouldn't be surprised if he expected to be single for life.

but then he's got this guy who just keeps showering him with affection and charging through his diversions and actively seeking to spend more time with him no matter how hard he makes it. (and, eventually, trying to meet makichan a little bit more where he is; though I don't know how clear that is from maki's perspective.)

and yeah, it's real easy to read this as stalker behavior. but I don't think that's ever been what's intended (by sensei, if not always by anime staff etc); toudou is not always great at reading cues to dial it back a little, but he's right that makishima feels the same way. and it would take something like toudou's level of stubbornness to break through makishima's reluctance to show emotion.

I can imagine makichan maybe being a little more open to his own queerness in London; not just bc he's more likely to see a rainbow flag in London than in Chiba but more bc he's had the chance to start almost from scratch (even if he does keep going back to Japan any time he is forced to care about people) and maybe it's a little less embarrassing. I mean I don't think he's any more likely to bring anyone home, certainly not while he's living with his brother (I think ren would be nice about it, but that doesn't make it less embarrassing), but maybe he'd like, at least not just stick it in the "not thinking about that" box with all his other feelings.

I don't think there's as much actually there to read his feelings as romantic as there is with toudou; you just kinda have to extrapolate from the fact that makichan does always feel the same way, even if he's reluctant to ever admit it. he won't make the first move, because he's given up on it as soon as he ever thought it, but as long as he responds to toudou's devotion eventually...

(and he did try so hard to give toudou the small talk he asked for. he goes out of his comfort zone for toudou, and that's no small thing for him)

sounds like next spare bike we'll have a few pages of makichan on the plane, but I expect he'll mostly be thinking about onoda. but even if he's going to the interhigh for onoda (EVEN IF HE NEVER PLANNED TO TALK TO HIM. FUCK OFF MAKICHAN), he's going on the exchange for toudou. :3 and I cannot wait to see how they end up in the same room please sensei you can't leave that loaded two person wide loft on the wall without firing it

I love them please I know they're gonna continue to talk past each other and

[nebulousfishgills]

WIP Asks!

2, 6, 8, 9, 16, and 18 please!

they're such fun questions, it's hard to choose :)

2 - What part of your OCs creation and writing are you most proud of?

The fact that Emily is effectively one OC for two fandoms and, despite the reasons for that being absolutely hogwild, she works effectively in both worlds.

6 - Have any of your OCs had name changes? If so, why?

As far as I know, no. I've considered changing one or two names, but they're much older OCs and I'm in too deep for that to happen just now.

8 - Which of your OCs is the most fun to write?

Emily, 100%. Again, for the aforementioned flexibility between two universes that allows for double the story opportunities. Also I wrote her so she's just unapologetically, frankly, the worst and there's a sense of catharsis that comes out of that. Her character leaves me with so much to mess around with.

9 - Which of your OCs need a break from all you've put them through?

...to be honest, all of them. Olivia's had to deal with those she loves being ripped away from her time and time again, Emily has almost 40 years of pure, unfiltered trauma and has barely known a healthy state of being, and Keira's life was a straight downward spiral. For the sake of argument, though, I'll say Keira. I never ended up finishing her story, but I know how it ends and her need for vengeance ends up getting her killed after five years of demons and hauntings. At least Olivia gets happy endings and Emily's so-called Second Life (to use SMeyer's terminology) gives her everything she lacked in life prior. Keira gets no happy ending, in the way I left her story off or in how I know it ends.

16 - Do you have a favorite OC?

Again, it's gotta be Emily. She's my newest OC, but I think she's the most well-rounded character. Olivia was my first big one and at times I understand she seems the part, a bit too OP and her character flaws seem clunky. Keira was a self insert of the life I idealized for myself that even a year later I've changed my mind on (and I kinda regret making her seem so close to me, appearance-wise especially). Emily, as I said, is just unapologetically awful, yet her character feels the most believeable. She's a product of circumstance, she's selfish, she's damaged, she's someone who needs love and can only get so much of it. Her Second Life, as I said, gives her some of those things and she does grow as a person as a result (or, will. I can't get into spoilers for Diplopia's sequel, but she does get her fair share of development). Plus she's objectively got the coolest design.

18 - Do your OCs have any scars?

Well, Emily obviously, it's one of her most defining physical characteristics. Just this raw web of scars on her face and arm after Upside Down damages (and the fact that she's not worse off is also a silent physical testiment to Henry's protectiveness of her since he took most of the hits when they were banished). Other than that, Olivia probably has various small battle scars (if you read that in Jasper's voice, me too) and Keira likely has a few on her hands from shattered beakers or chemical spills.

[ay-chuu]

Hello! I was hoping to get a match for Twisted Wonderland.

- I have typical Korean features, but I’m half American, so I have freckles and a stronger jawline.

- I’m a Taurus sun, Capricorn moon, and Gemini rising. My MBTI is INTP. I’ve been told I have strong charisma despite my desire to be left alone. I think it’s my rising sign that makes me relatively okay in conversation.

- I like writing stories, running, and brewing tea. I typically run in set circles because differing from a pattern upsets me, and when brewing tea, I prefer brewing oolongs because they have many different flavors and can be brewed several times.

- Despite being naturally loud myself (one of my parents is half deaf), I hate loud noises. I can’t handle spaces with a bunch of sound for an extended period of time. I hate the dark because I can’t see what’s in the dark, and when I do, I don’t like what I see. Third thing I hate is bananas. If somebody I love were you give me a banana, I’d throw a fit.

- I love fire emblem, a strategy game kinda like chess adjacent, but I can’t play chess. Most music I listen to is vocaloid or Korean covers. I love it when music gets a traditional Korean twist. Favorite show is Princess Tutu. I love seeing how sometimes what you hope for isn’t what happens, and that’s alright. Everything falls into place.

- I don’t think I really have an idol. Not because nobody is worthy of my admiration, but because I think that I just gotta be me, Y’know? I want to be me, but the best me I can be. If that takes time, so be it.

- Most of my confidence is a farce, but I basically helped raise my little sister, and because of this, the kid now thinks that I am the coolest person in the world. So when I need a pick me up, I ask her questions to see how she responds. When she talks about me to other kids, she says that I’m “prettier” or “better” than their siblings, and I think we all need someone like that in our lives. I love my little built in hype man.

- I love spicy foods too! (Whoever is reading this, you better have eaten a meal. If you can’t, be patient with yourself. Food is something to love.) It’s a big reason why I love soondubu jjigae. It’s temperature hot and spicy hot + a stew! Make sure to try it when you can if you like spice. :)

-👹

Hi love! ♡(｡- ω -) I'm a chubby girl who loves to eat A LOT so dont you worry! ALSO THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE I REALLY LIKE SPICY FOOD TOO!

I match you with... (っ＾▿＾)💨

AZUL ASHENGROTTO!

Azul loves and LOVES your freckles. I think he is someone who loves the natural beauty of people, and hey look at his beauty mark too! :D Pisces and Capricorn are a very compatible couple, as long as Pisces doesn't have emotional instability and Capricorn has some rigid views. For INTP and ENTJ, they can be quite successful, be it business or starting a family! In terms of love, sometimes ENTJ can be very proud but personally I think one of the rare MBTIs who can break this pride is INTP <3 By the way, you are quite honest with each other.

Azul loves your little brother too because he agrees with him. KLDJFLSJGLG also likes your writings and if he sees interesting sentences, he politicizes it and uses it with your permission! Azul is one of the most supportive types of people who he loves, no matter what they do. As we saw with his mother! In general, he likes that you are more confident and calm than him. And ah, since he's been in love with you, he's come up with a grand plan to bring out the spicy side of all the main dishes on his menu! ... I didn't want to say it but Floyd might give you a banana for making Azul mad and um... he could sneak it into your drink- (Azul was so shook that you beat his ass that he fell in love again <3)

I see that the problem in your relationship is that sometimes his emotional turmoil gets out of control and he treats you even badly, which naturally gets on your nerves and this turns into a fight. You're usually the one to have the last word, and personally he doesn't admit that he's guilty untilhis mother puts him in his place. But he is usually the one who comes to reconcile after your fights and expresses his sadness seriously. Even though you can hardly forgive sometimes (":

Finally, some of the moments I dream of for you two: Talking about the different intelligences of people in the Mostro Lounge together, Azul who came to you with your favorite tea while you were writing and placed a sweet kiss on your forehead, laughing together even if your goddamn muscles hurt while running races together, and in the rare occasions that comes with comfort hugs that are given in a tight hug when you can find time for it!

[bluebaric]

“some scenes in the last chap that really push boundaries in terms of how emotionally and physically intimate “ 👀

How physically intimate. Got me on the edge of my seat here.

Ah same I love how repressed Alicent is it makes it so delicious to unpick it. I think otto has a lot to answer for. The relief though when she finally finds who she is. She never gets that in canon

Absolutely nothing toxic about rhaenyra beating the snot out of larys 😂 💪 .

I can’t wait for the last chapter and I’m sad coz I never want it to end

How did you even think of this story premise it’s so unique.

This can’t be the first story you’ve written. You write to detailed and well.

Any other ideas after this one.

Love it seriously.Gets me in the feels.

I love arranged strangers to lovers aus. This one had blown me out the water though.

20k updates as well is insane 😂

Omg I just had a thought you killed vizzy t off without a single regret 😂 are Joffrey and laenor safe. 😭 pain

❤️

i don't want to spoil anything but i will say Someone will be naked and Someone will be having thoughts about it.

and i'm going to be completely honest and say that the primary inspo for this fic was a kpop fanfiction i read when back when that was like My Thing... i have grown much since then. and my story ended up being quite different and way longer. but still, gotta give credit where credit is due

and yeah i've been creative writing for a while! i've written some other fanfiction but i tend to have a lot of difficulty following through on ideas. this fanfic was going to be a little project to take advantage of some free time i had, then it got a bit bigger than expected. but i've been p proud of myself in terms of followthrough and maintaining motivation so far! and thank you for ur kind words :)

in terms of other ideas, i've got truly Too Many. i'm really hoping the motivation holds out bc i'm p passionate about these other ideas atm. my next priority is this idea i've been kicking around about rhaenyra and alicent being roommates at a boarding school. i've got another idea where rhaenyra is the nanny for alicent's kids, and then one idea that i love (but will admit is kinda wild) for a fic that takes place in the rural american south. v many ideas!! and i keep thinking of more, which is a blessing and a curse at the same time

and i will spoil and say that i'm not gonna kill joff or laenor. those poor gay boys deserve better

thanks for the ask!

[tw1stedthicket]

After work today I was feeling proud of myself for getting a lot done and found out my old job is currently serving the BEST ice cream flavors (pumpkin and mocha) rn, so I drove to my old job and visited with my dearly beloved friend there and we caught up and chatted for like 3 hours! I love that lady. :') On god, I think I may just get a teeny tattoo somewhere (add it to the list lol) for my time at this farm job, because it has meant so much to me. I also got to see another one of my friends which felt really good and I desperately gotta see them for a hangout sometime. Today was so long but honestly really good. The connection I had was awesome.

Gotta take a moment to say... sometimes we got shit and we all sigh and dread and moan and beg the lord to take the mf wheel already but like. There's nowhere else I'd rather be. I am alive. School is everything I hoped it would be and more. Just a couple years ago, I was terrified of it, but I've never had something *click* like this. I had a job performance review the other day. It wasn't perfect. Not dropping the ball on anything, but room for improvement, so they say. I wrestled with it a little bit. But you know, I had a good, fun conversation with my assistant office manager today while I was up there working by myself since my coworker was gone. And we had a good time. And I though hey, I like who I am. I don't have to be the most stellar, incredible employee they just are so eager to be proud of, I'm just gonna do my job the best I can and let the rest of the bullshit fuck off, and you know what? I have good conversations with people. I can laugh with em. People around the office know me as being really sincere and good-natured. And that means so much more than anything else to me. I try to go to bed on time, man. I try to make time for the people I don't feel weird with, the people I never doubt for a second if they're being real, or honest, or just... *there* with me. Showing up as themselves, regardless of our tiredness and depression and shit because yeah that shit can suck but I love em and what would life be without each other at the end of it, you know? I remember how bad it felt, but I love to see them so much no matter what and the fact they show up makes me feel like I could fight a dragon, and I wish I could for them and their shit.

I sometimes don't notice how I'm places I never thought I would be. I read the posts of those people I knew from church that have also left the church, the very few ones I know, and their commitment to integrity is fucking insanely awesome and inspiring, and it inspires me to write out my own thoughts in my journal that I read over and think, damn. I'm pretty smart to have come up with those words to capture something so deeply just... weird and wirey and fucky. It's pretty cool to come from that at all, and I comprehend even more now the way both of them have this deep rooted regard for ethics reflected in his nursing job and her counselor job. They're really real like that.

And I think about that and think about how I was eating a coffee ice cream today that 2 years ago when I took the first bites of I felt riddled with guilt, and now? Fuck! It's so tasty!

I think about how hobbies are slowly re-entering the picture. I fuckin' love these detective games. I fuckin' love reading and journaling, and I'm entertaining these thoughts a lot different than I ever used to. I have plans to finally do what I wanted to do back in January and buy a bass guitar in a couple weeks.

I want to meet up with these friends. I want to meet up with the couple cool people I've met so far at school.

I found some glittery watercolor paints on Temu and like, yo! I've been lookin' for those! I'm so excited that my little sis is coming here in a bit. We're gonna have a good time. I wake up in the morning and you know what's crazy? I don't hate showering in the morning. It actually feels kinda refreshing. I stop in at the shell and buy some monsters and look forward to seeing the cashier. I eat my frozen microwave meals on lunch break and savor the taste. I play Disney songs and it's fun as hell to sing with my friend and know she's not judging me for it. I sit inside myself and think about how I felt when I saw that one person I only know of really, and it brought up the same bubbling of love in my heart, the way I wish I could love her and hold her, and in another life, I would... I would.

And it hit me again, the way it KEEPS hitting me. The pages are turning, man. I am gay, and it's fucking crazy to me sometimes I ever got here, because how the hell did my Mormon ass ever get here, lol? Jesus. I wish I could slap myself in the head so much, and for once I don't mean in the I-have-deep-remorse-and-shame-for-that-unfair-person-I-have-to-unlearn-to-be, but in the, goddamn you dummy, it really took ya til you were an adult to realize that for you, huh? I just wanna tell that part of me, "Go sit down." Lol. Lordy.

I realize so much how fuckin' haunted living feels sometimes. I know when I start dreaming about certain people and unfinished business again that I need the love of connection again. I've been feeling that, not knowing where my path onward leads with certain people, people I once couldn't imagine a future without, and dreaming oddly enough of my old ex. It's so weird how my brain remembers that feeling of loving and wanting to be loved, and the vulnerability in a relationship knowing you're the only one they're sharing some parts with, and as shitty as it was - I valued being a safe space for him, even to be safely broken. As much contempt as I feel, I also wish him to be incredibly well. Those feelings resurface in my dream of my sadness and unfinishedness, and the way I want to be loved by people who don't seem like they can. But man. We're gonna be okay.

The fact I'm out here now is proof of pushing forward and moving onward, and the fact that I find connection and connection finds me again in new ways all over again, is proof that the nature of life is to not only take, but also to give. Like the sentiment that if life is endlessly cleaning our dirty rooms and having to cook ourselves food every damn day, then that means life is also about the delight of a clean room and having homecooked meals. Like that post, good things come and go. But they come! They do.

I suppose I say all this to say, I'm grateful. Thank you for every new thing I learn. Thank you for every time I feel my disillusionment return, I remember what I must do, and most of the time it's that I gotta sleep as much as I can, and tell myself I'm doing okay like I'm a kid, and do some adult shit, and hey, I know the adult shit only ramps up in intensity. There's stuff now that's haunting me. But that's okay. I'm glad to be here. I'm happy to be here. I'm singing my favorite song again, and I feel it. I feel the salty waves come in, I feel them crash against my skin, and I smile as I respire because I know they'll never win. Hell yeah. They won't.

[ask-the-badman]

(Trigger warning, gettin’ a bit messy again!<3)

I rolled my eyes at him. “Easy pickins I guess”, I said with a chuckle. “But they’re not like you. There’s just somethin’ about ya, more than the looks and the charm. Fucks me up a lil.” I kept my eyes to the floor till I heard him gasp, a smirk creeping onto my face when I glanced up to see him back to his normal height. 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘃𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗲𝗻𝘁. I angled myself more to the side, elbow pushed into the back of the couch. Shirt dipping slightly off of my shoulder as I waited for him to decide to sit.

I leered at him through heavy lashes, unable to hide the flush of my cheeks as more than just the alcohol ran through my veins. My chest sat partially on display again. Paying no mind to anything but him clicking my tongue against my teeth. “Ah well lookie here, bet you’re glad to be able to get in here without knocking yourself out.” I giggled. Watching as he made his way over to lounge beside me.

“Well, speakin’ on them boys from earlier I got one of ‘em. Ya know if ya couldn’t tell.” I mused, gesturing to the tinge of red still left on my hands and part of my face. “I ditched Sissy. Couldn’t get much done with her lurkin’ round,” I trailed off. My tone honeyed and my heart thrumming as I inched just a little closer to him.

“I had him wrapped ‘round my finger in a matter of minutes. Same way I could’a had you, just like I said. Front seat and all.” I purred. Letting out an exasperated sigh, head tilting back, his shirt dipping more and more off of my shoulder. Still paying no mind when I picked my head back up to catch his reaction.

I knew deep down I’d probably regret what I’ve said when I eventually wake up from a hangover later. But at the moment I couldn’t bring myself to care less, not like he hasn’t heard it before. Though he may not have expected it from me, I pray sober me is able to make up for any shit drunk me gets us into.

“I know ya could have ‘bout anyone ya wanted,” I said softly, a hint of hesitation in my voice. “But if I’m bein’ honest here, I’m kinda curious to see justtt how much back an forth it’d take to have ya itchin’ for more than a look.”

"More happy ta jus' sit down on my own couch," Johnny chuckled breathlessly, still winded from being suddenly shrunk down but happy to kick back. Uncaring that he was getting the cow hide on the back wet from being rained on as his skin was covered in a sheen of water that dampened the hair on his chest. The greasy hair on his head barely changed though the cowlick at the front was drooping with the extra water weight.

"Oh really? Hell if I could tell," he teased, figuring out right away that Kat had caught someone with all the blood on her.

His hooded eyes turned to look at her as she spoke, eyeing up the stain of blood on her face and down her throat. Nothing but a trail leading down to pert breasts just barely peeking out from beneath the shirt he had offered her.

"Well lookit you, got yer first kill an' ya choose me ta share the experience with, I'm touched." He chuckled deeply, lips curling into an amused grin, "Gotta say, I'm proud ya went off on yer own, can' have Sissy hangin' off'a ya all the time."

His eyes were honest, unabashed, when the pink material slipped further off her shoulders to give him a full gander at her bra clad bosom once more. Lingering as they stared at their soft, rain slicked and flushed flesh with clear appreciation. Clearly a man who enjoyed a pretty pair, though his eyes did flicker up to her boldly asking for his attention. Even if it was likely being fueled by alcohol.

Leaning in close, much like she had done as he half turned to face her with his arm still resting on the back of the couch, he stared at her with limpid eyes. His other hand coming up to gently hold Kat's chin between thumb and forefinger, as he softly spoke,

"Darlin'... Alls ya have ta do is ask.."

His lips then moved in to softly brush against hers, nothing but a chaste little kiss before he tilted her head to the side so he could lick at the blood on her cheek. Only to pull away to finish saying, "But I'll only go this far, since yer drunk an' the only people I take advantage of are my victims..."

[jxnmzko]

OMFG i found the email to my old tumblr and it made me sad like i used to be a lot sadder but i think ill keep this one as well. I think its cute to look back on things no matter how sad it is but it kinda did make me reflect and i did some digging on my own feelings and where they root from and honestly a lot of them root from me not feeling like enough/ anxiety/ feeling not pretty enough/ not chosen/ or things aren’t fair why is this happening to me mindset. no lie it helps coming from a friend and a therapist who isn’t biased and brutally honest. sometimes i do overthink and maybe this whole process of me trying to do better is stupid bc i always tend to come back to old ways but fixing those ways isn’t linear. I really sat there and thought okay why do i think i can’t achieve the things i want? well i don’t believe in myself since im not consistent. Why does it hurt that im not necessarily chosen for by specific ppl? even a few months ago id go on insta and check up on this person and find out who they were talking to and compare myself like why? because i dont like what i see its that easy. I can change that though, it’s not like i completely hate myself because i do see beautiful aspects. I think im beautiful some days but the things i don’t find beautiful im able to change weight wise and i think that’s where my focus should go and especially on other aspects of my life job wise while focusing on my little hobbies. I know im kind hearted because i dont hold hate for anybody or any grudges and thats something difficult to do,

self concept and self confidence are so different and i need to build confidence in myself by doing the things i say ill do. i’m 23 bruh i can’t be stuck in skin that i dislike, im fully able to change those things and even move if i want. Sometimes i think back to when i was speaking to my therapist and told her my desire in life is to move to seattle and live in a small apartment with my cats and she was like okay so do it! let’s make a plan so you can move within the year and it freaked me out so bad bc everyone thinks im joking and she actually took me serious.

and i especially can’t feel sad because my desires don’t match hers. We could have so much in common like music taste and anime and all types of shit but our desires aren’t the same. I can appreciate their existence from a distance and hold those things in my heart while accepting that fact. i feel childish bc the thing i lied about was lowkey embarrassing So i think i can hold that cute memory to myself and appreciate they pushed me in certain ways like getting on the highway even tho they don’t know they pushed me to do that and i can also be proud i opened my heart the way i did w getting them thoughtful gifts/my time/ etc. I know they mean no harm especially since our last comvo did upset me but ik they r getting through life for the first time like i am but they overstepped and made me feel like a last choice.

anyways i’m proud of myself for not going on insta in a while and ill def delete this too now. Tiktok is debatable like i gotta time myself maybe because it doesn’t help me at all, it’s constant comparing n doomscrolling. i gotta take care of myself bc no one else can or will :)

[mangostarjam]

@by your side:

fuji!!!!! im sobbing again;; hoshina worry about literally everyone!! but himself!! literally on the brink of death and his biggest concern is his favorite person??? because he /knows/ you'd cover his platoon just as well as he would (and trust be damned,, it's his truth that you /will/ take care of them like your life depends on it)

honest to god i'm so in love with the way you depict hoshina's demeanor in general (even in angst) because there's a good balance in his lighthearted quips and the heavy weight of his kindness and concern for others. also love sm how his affection and attention are hardly overbearing, like it's so soft and fluffy?? and how he never shies away from the fact that he loves the reader, he wears it proud like a badge of honor (he gave you access to his private comms line ffs)

(hc: he tells you its for "learning purposes", but really its so you can keep easy tabs on him bc he knows you're such a worrywart and HE'S worried the lack of updates when he's deployed might distract you too badly one day. if anything, under normal circumstances it provides a healthy amount of friendly competition. just another sly way to keep him on your mind LOL)

(actually i can't tell if they're in an established relationship in the beginning, or it was just super hard flirting from his end that tumbled its way into a funny way of asking the reader out by the end of the fic,,, but honestly i vibe so hard either direction it doesnt matter all that much)

im having a kinda tough time with school and finals rn, but i keep re-reading ur fics because they give such quality serotonin boosts. been powering through pretty well though if i do say so myself! hope you've been doing good too :)) remember to do hand stretches, take breaks, and stay hydrated. love youu 🫶

- 🧸

HI TEDDY BEAR ANON I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!

i can't even describe how happy getting this ask made me asdfghjkl but yes!! i totally agree with your headcanon... he would be trying to find ways to stay on your mind... but he's still gotta do his job! and trusting that you can both do your jobs is such a big thing when they've got lives on the line. they're just friends in the beginning but when you call him by his first name in the medbay is when he thinks maybe it's time to take the leap. the fact that you slipped up when formalities come so easily to you... he's got a chance. a very big chance.

i hope your studies and finals and things are going well!!! i'm so honored my fics are helping your spirits 😭 and thank you for the reminder to stay hydrated asdjfjdjkl i always need that. this month is actually going to be mad bonkers busy for me and i will be cheering you on too!!

[starstruckpurpledragon]

So I've been brave these last couple of days, leaving my bedroom door open while doing some spring cleaning and re-organizing (or sitting on the bed watching this show or that, I admit I've been enjoying my week off work, so I've probably done more watching than cleaning). So far, no wasps have materialized out of nowhere to fly into my room.

I am so paranoid about this though. Every time I see the door open I'm like 'oh gotta close that to keep the wasps out' and then remind myself that as far as I've been able to tell there are no wasps anymore.

Be proud of me, I'm trying to get back to normal with my house habits and let the paranoia built up over a year and a half go. Estelle is pleased, anyway. She'll sit on the bed staring at me while I'm cleaning instead of petting her like I should be... then run out of the room to go bark at whatever's outside the front windows. Nothing trapping her in the room with me, she has FREEDOM!

Or as much freedom as a cute dog can have, anyway.

In more fun news, I made ice cream today and a strawberry jello pie.

The pie is pretty easy to make and it's good for hot summer days. It has real strawberries in it to go with the flavored jello which isn't a straight up jello either since it has some corn starch thrown in. So it's more gel like than the standard jello is. Add a dollop of whip cream on top of a slice, all of which should be nice and chilled from the fridge, and it's a refreshing dessert.

And I love my ice cream maker. Best spurge from last year. It's kinda bulky - it's about the same size as my bread maker - because it has it's own built in freezing capabilities. No more pre-freezing the components and have them either not stay cold long enough to really get a good consistency on the ice cream or not being able to make a second batch if I accidentally make too much of the ice cream mix. When using an unfamiliar recipe it can be easy to accidentally make too much which, if you have to wash and re-freeze components in between batches, could easily have been a pain with my old ice cream maker. And to be honest, the parts that didn't go in the freezer were small enough I kept misplacing them.

It can actually do more than ice cream but I haven't really experimented with it too much yet since my main interest was ice cream or similar types of cold churned tasty treats. My first batch of ice cream for the summer? Thin mint ice cream! It does use up a lot of thin mints, but it's well worth it to have such tasty ice cream.

[binders-and-beanies]

Mental health updates under the cut I guess (tldr I’m still not ok but am taking steps to keep myself safe or whatever)

Told my supervisor I’m in crisis and he was super understanding n supportive n whatnot. We both are trans and have mental health issues and work in an lgbt center so one would hope it’s safe to be honest abt that kind of thing but it was a relief bc it also opened up a conversation abt scheduling moving forward n me having like 2 or 3 days off a week as opposed to the current 1 or 0. Esp since higher ups want me to work less anyways im like that’s totally fine bc i have a million things to do outside of work all the time.

Other thing I did was cancel a workshop I was gonna lead next week and it was a really hard decision. I would have been proud afterwards and I’m worried abt having regrets but I’ve done the same workshop before so it’s off the bucket list or whatev. Person in charge of that was also super supportive for similar reasons as above. It doesn’t solve the problem of there always being too many things stressing me out, and I don’t wanna set a precedent that I can just not do my responsibilities, but it eases a big part of the stress this month specifically.

Ppl in my life are saying they’re proud of me for setting that boundary and it’s weird to be praised for bailing on smth when I’m also feeling big guilty abt it but I gotta remind myself that being flakey is absolutely normalized in society and if ur average person can do so on the regular then I’m allowed to take One step back once it’s gotten to the point where my safety is questionable. I’d like to get to a point where things don’t get that serious in the first place but I’ve also never rly appreciated feeling blamed for being in this kind of position when the kind of things I’m busy with are mostly 1) things that are required for survival and 2) things that make it feel worth surviving. As if this is smth i do to myself bc i just <3 capitalism or smth

Im stressin tho bc as mentioned earlier my job is at risk for unrelated reasons which also means a lot of other things are at risk. This is happening at the same time I’ve just lost my insurance and have my biggest ever college bill to pay. And now I don’t know where I’ll be living or what that will mean for my finances either. It would also mean it takes even longer to qualify for any kind of credit, and therefore an apartment.

Even if nothing happens and I just keep working here for another year as planned it’s like can I not get JUMPSCARED w my livelihood being threatened like there’s literally always at least one Huge actual life or death problem as well as many other less catastrophic but extremely stressful things to deal w. I’m tired of living like that w no relief and I hate that the best case scenario is this fear ends up being for nothing. I hate that I’m thinking abt what I’ll do in x y or z scenario for this summer and my masters if this falls through, instead of enjoying the relief of one less thing on my plate.

I hate that this is how I’m doing the day after my birthday. I had a fun birthday weekend and am grateful for the people I spent it with and the places I went but it didn’t feel like genuine celebration it felt forced, like I was doing it because I Have to have a good birthday. Bc if one of the most important days of the year isn’t joyful then where’s the hope of any other days getting better. I did enjoy it I just couldn’t Feel the enjoyment bc I’m so stressed and I had major breakdowns before and after my bday. It sets a bad tone regarding aging and I want to celebrate progress but it’s hard when the future is more terrifying every year.

I feel like even if all my problems were magically solved, my ability to feel joy is permanently altered and it’s hard to imagine feeling anything more positive than just like, relief and rest. Idk I say all that to say I’m proud of myself for taking steps to make life more livable just like I’ve always done but it also feels kinda hopeless like nothing I do matters if it’s gonna be constant stress regardless