#got some food eventually. came back. sat here for another mmmmm four? five hours?
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oooooo practicing being kind and forgiving towards myself when i do things that are actually out of my control is sooooo difficult. having any sort of disorder or condition which effects your behavior is so so so so frustrating. because there’s always that layer of thought going “you should know better. you should just do the things you know you’re supposed to” but i have the not doing things i’m supposed to do disorder!! this is SO fucking frustrating and i feel stupid!!! i KNOW my behavior patterns shouldn’t look like this. i KNOW i shouldn’t be doing what i am. but i can’t help it, i can’t win, and it feels like my fault. i know it’s not, it’s nobody’s fault, but it feels like my fault.
#went to bed late last night. wanted to get to sleep early#wanted to take a short nap after class. i ended up in bed for like four hours#got some food eventually. came back. sat here for another mmmmm four? five hours?#just. fucking around on my Device Of Addiction To Fucking Around#Desperately trying to get myself to do just ONE of the things i need to do.#eventually that became trying to just Start something#and now it’s late again. and i’ve once again got nothing to show for it#i just. wish i could fix it. but it feels like the harder i try the worse things get#so do i just. give up? i’ve been trying that a bit lately and the results are Not Good so#wtf am i supposed to do#lol haha sorry guys#had a bad day. trying to be kind and forgiving with myself about it. there are always going to be bad days. i get another try tomorrow.#but man#this. is fucking hard.#can’t a bitch get a break#anyways#adhd#oh yeah and i’m also on like day four of ‘its been a litte bit since i’ve showered i need to do that tonight’#as if i needed to feel more gross. whatever#i’ll do it tomorrow#<- said with such the deeply tired sadness of a promise already broken as it’s spoken
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