#got myself new markers and started drawing. been a while since ive done marker drawings like these

[am-rrt]

funny kittys

(has alt text)

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[pbandjesse]

Today was a better day. I am still dealing with my weird listless and directionless feeling. But I did better with it today. I felt better. I am getting better about using my time. Even if I did end up on the couch a lot today.

I slept a lot better last night. I know that was a big part of it. And James had made me an omelet before they left so I had a nice breakfast. I got dressed and while I didn't feel awesome, I felt okay.

I didmy styling and paid some bills. I would head out pretty early. But I was honestly just a little upset.

I was fine and then James got back from their bike ride and inform me that they messed up some dates and we are going camping at the same time they had tickets for a football game. And they didn't seem to worried, but they wouldn't just say what the plan was. Because if we went on Sunday and did the whole trip and they didn't get to go to their game I would feel super guilty. But if we didn't go on Sunday I would feel a little cheated. But after a few hours of back and forth with Evan and Noelle it was decided we would leave early on Monday and do the things we planned for Monday before we went to the actual camp site. Which saved some time with not backtracking ot the town and it will honestly be okay. Everyone is going to have fun. Even if we lose one night of sleeping there. It will still be fun.

But it was weighing heavily on me while I was out. I tried to not let it get to me but it was hard. I just listened to my podcast and enjoyed looking at the Halloween things at Target. I was trying hard to feel alright.

I got myself a little bag for camp. I love my two leather bags but they can be a little fussy for hiking and I don't always want to wear my backpack. So this little bag was pretty perfect. And its a pretty nice color.

I got a few other little things. And then went to the craft store to get the thing I was actually out for.

I looked at all the scrap books but honestly didn't like any of them. I don't want one so big! And they were $40?? So instead I got a cute little blank page sketchbook and some washitape. I also have stickers and markers and pens. I also got a great deal on these poles for hanging lights for the party. On clearance for $5!! Amazing.

I was ready to go home though. I was kind of hungry but we actually have lots of things I can just grab and eat and that is perfect for me.

So I came home. I had a nice little lunch. It was a little to hot but I was in a better place.

I would do a little cleaning. A little resting. I changed the sheets and took the cover off our couch to be cleaned. Its funny seeing the purple couch again. I am very pleased with the Halloween color bed we have now. I was in a good mood.

I would lay down and just chill. I sorted my bags. I did some internet stuff. I cut my prints I made this week and packaged them. I printed up their poems. I started making some plans and ideas for a larger project I want to do.

Its a little nerve wracking making a large scale 2D project! I always say I don't draw so having this idea is really great. Also its just very out of my normal wheelhouse so its nice to have a plan.

I would take an early shoewr. Wash my hair. Use my new conditioner which smells excellent. And Ive been chilling since then. I had some food. I tried not to be overheated. I have watched a lot of videos. It has been a good night. And now James is done work and we are chilling on the couch eating pesto pasta.

I hope you all have a great night tonight. Take care of yourselves. Goodnight!!

[taylorfan90]

   Taylor

           My Names Richie I’m a huge fan have been ever since I saw you for my first time on July 31st 2009(my 19th Birthday) in Boston MA back when you opened for Keith Urban, this August I’ll be attending the Reputation show in Atlanta Night 2 Saturday the 11th, this will be my 14th time seeing you in Concert. I wish I could attend more then one show this tour unfortunately with this tour being stadiums only the closest show to me is Atlanta which is still a 6 hour drive from where I live in Conway SC. You have know idea how excited I am to go, I’m bringing my boyfriend of 4 years with me to his first ever concert(not counting House of Blues shows) I just cant wait to see his eyes when the show starts and how amazing it is to see that many fans screaming and singing along with you. He doesn’t get my love for you but he will after I’m sure.

            August 27th 2010 was the best day of my life, at the time I lived in NH only about and hour drive from where you filmed the music video for Mine, I don’t remember where I heard that you were in town doing something but I decided that day to go to Kennebunkport ME and see what was going on, when I arrived in the town I saw girls driving around blasting your songs with window paint all over there cars so I could tell I wasn’t alone, I later found out that something was going down at the church over looking the ocean after a few hours of waiting we all got invited to be apart of the release of the video on CMT, still the coolest thing ive ever been a part of. i always think  and plan ahead so I had one of your albums and a Sharpie on me just incase I was to run into you, I jokingly said to my friends that if I could get you to sign my arm i’d get it tattooed over lol wouldn’t that be funny, After everything was over you being you, asked if it was okay if you brought your band out and played a few songs for us. While performing Love Story you came down off the stage and across the front row to sing and hug fans as you headed my way I got ready when you got to me I threw my arm out and asked you to sign it handing you my sharpie with the screaming/pushing I’m not sure how you heard me over the other fans, but I felt the sharpie leave my hand and then I felt a swipe across my arm, not even sure how I got the marker back but somehow I did, I pulled my arm back to see your signature on my arm, now this wasn’t a joke I was dead serious about getting this tattooed before it rubbed off in a few days. I think I only had to go a day and a half un-showered before I could get a tattoo artist to come in on his day off and get it done for me. Now to this day anytime I’m upset or my minds in a bad place I simply look down and I see it, that’s when I smile and remember the happiest day of my life. So thank you for that. i year after having it tattooed i added the lyrics from mine “you are the best thing thats ever been Mine” above it.

            I’ll never forget sitting in Art class back in 2008 when the teacher told us we had to draw self portraits, after learning how to do it I went home that night and drew my first portrait of you which took 8 hours, I brought it to school the next day and the teacher was blown away she hung it in the school for a month before I finally begged for it back. That was when I really fell in love with art. Now 10 years later I’ve drawn around 20 pictures of you all different mediums teaching myself new things over the years. In 2015 Simon and Schuster the book company announced a project they had been working on a book for you from the fans. They had a contest for the book cover so of course I made one and entered, I also sent all the pictures on my art, after months of not hearing anything and forgetting about the project I got a random email from the person putting it together regarding the book, he informed me that all though I wasn’t the winner of the contest he really wanted to put a couple of my pictures in the book, I lost my mind, of course I said yes he explained what I had to do and everything, in 2016 I got a letter from them and my own copy of the book thanking me for my part, now let me tell you I’m a strong person and it takes a lot to make me cry but when I got my book and opened it and saw my art I cried like a baby I was so happy to be a part of this project. my mom ordered 10 copies from the book store giving them out and showing it off to everyone she was so proud, If you happen to get a copy of it my pictures are on pages 28(black and white, Pen and ink took me 55 hours because of the size) & 95 (took about 8 hours painted with acrylic paint) this book means a lot to me I wish I had a bigger part but its okay. Still can’t believe what a day in Art Class turned out to be. With less personal time in my life I don’t get to draw/paint as much as I want too but ill never give it up. I see you post pictures you’ve painted and I just dream of the day we can paint together who knows maybe one day.

Really hoping i can finally meet you on this tour @taylorswift @taylornation

i’ll be at your show

Atlanta Night 2, Sat Aug 11th  section FLR-J Row 15 Seats 1-2

-Richie