#goodnight guys. off to dream about the batter. despite my words i promise i’ll be safe and okay ^^
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i need to kill myself i think
#cyrambles#tw sui ideation#i hate this. i hate this. i hate this#i hate being jealous of one of my closest friends. i hate being jealous of sharing a hyperfixation#i hate being jealous over knowing that they have more friends they talk to regularly and thus they’ll be seen as The Off And Batter Guy#i hate being envious#it makes me feel awful. it makes my stomach churn. it makes me feel like the piece of shit i know i probably already am#the shitty person that i should’ve realized i am much much earlier#it’s so petty and horrible and awful of me i’m a horrible fucking person#the person who’s told me to live is the one who my disorder riddled brain is plagued with envy towards. this is unforgivable#what’s wrong with me#why am i jealous of seeing him talk about it and seeing his friends make gifts for him about it. i should be happy#and i am! i am happy!#but i also feel horrible. about myself and my special interest#i don’t deserve to call it my special interest#i don’t even deserve to live#she’s comforted me countless times and reassured me and yet i still get jealous#what the fuck is WRONG WITH ME?! WHY WHY WHY WHAT THE FUCK WHY WHY AM I LIKE THIS WHY AM I SO PETTY AND HORRIBLE#i can’t even tell if this is the pmdd or anxiety or just the truth. but it hurts. and i fucking despise myself for this#i’m gonna have a metaphorical rope around my neck until i fall asleep probably#speaking of which… i should go to bed. maybe i’ll be less of an irredeemable monster when i wake up. doubt it though#goodnight guys. off to dream about the batter. despite my words i promise i’ll be safe and okay ^^#so don’t worry alright? i’ll be okay#idk if anyone even cares about me but. i’ll be okay. i’ll be safe despite my ideation. promise. nighty night folks
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