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jeeptime · 7 years ago

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The slab of time in which you weren’t reading new Uncle Jeep Tim has slid into the rear view. You launch haphazardly forward in a foolhardy attempt to predict every oncoming word. Gazebo, cloaca, a fetid party game involving gnomes. This isn’t working, the withdrawals are so severe you are railing whole sentences at a time. Nothing can fill the gaping void left behind by the gulf of time that has passed since you last laid ears on the sultry serenade of your Uncle Jeep Tim’s clackity keystrokes.

I’m here to tell you, my favorite niece or nephew, that it is story time. So hop up on my lap for a fanciful tale sure to delight even the most jaded of hearts.

The way I understand time is that for every year that passes you are catching up on the year before. For example on this day in 2016 It was a Friday. So we have advanced one year into the future from that point, but we have also advanced one day beyond that. Each year we travel through time exactly one day into the future. After 365 years we advance one full year into the future, not taking into account leap days and other things put in place by “Big Pharma” to cover up this obvious conspiracy. I mean you see the chemtrails overhead; they aren’t decreasing in multitude.

Which brings me to my point - for each day that passes the internet presents me with a what was happening on this day in the past. But having written this blog for such a long duration of time, some days it will present me with multiple simultaneous blogs posted on this day from all past iterations of my self. Friday 2016, Thursday 2015, Tuesday 2013...

This former self on occasion has the audacity to go 7 years back and present himself on the same day of the week. For a second I can feel him on another plain of existence occupying my same space typing at the same breakneck pace.

I would love to think and even believe most of the things I say, but it’s mostly all fantasy. Believe it or not, I’m a fairly grounded individual, and that shit is annoying. I keep an open mind and hope for fantasy to become reality but there is really no mystery left in the world. I’ve accepted that the next best thing is an admiration of natural beauty. Unless someone is willing to send me into outer-space I have to satisfy my desire for the unknown by staring really hard at things that are probably pretty well known about.

I miss that part of childhood, being so sure that what you were witnessing was not of this world, or being positive of the presence of ghosts. Feeling every single hair on your body stand on edge as your brain tries to process unknown sounds and sensations. I’ve said before that children are probably more receptive to the supernatural, but maybe it’s just a more ambitious imagination. Either way let’s proceed with some childhood tales.

When I was around 10 years old I lived with a man who was definitely unhinged. At the time he was my stepfather, but I never had any sort of bond with him. So I was quite surprised when he frantically woke me up at 3 in the morning to share something with me. I rubbed away the sleep granules collected around my eyes as I tried to comprehend why the hell my asshole step-father had any reason to be in my room at this ungodly hour. He was gesturing out my window and raving about a UFO.

Groggily I pivoted around in bed and rested my elbows on my windowsill and peered out trying to figure out what he was on about and HOLY SHIT there was a giant green phosphorescent orb just hanging out there in the sky above our field. Now the logical thing to do when you wake a child up in the middle of the night and present them with nightmare fuel is to stay by their side and provide some sort of solace. NOPE, as soon as he was satisfied that my pupils were bugging out of my head and I was locked on this UFO he retreated from my room without another word.

I remember locking eyes with this object for what felt like hours, I was afraid to look away, so I just stared; unsure of what to do next. Eventually I probably nodded off for a second, and you know that sensation when you are sleeping in a weird position and your head dips, you immediately wake back up with a jolt. I must have fallen asleep for a second or two, but having woken up with a start, I frantically scanned the skies for any sign of this object, but it was nowhere to be found.

Now this story took place in my new bedroom, where I had moved because I couldn’t set foot in the previous bedroom due to fear. I understand sometimes children can’t sleep in their bed because of a nightmare every now and then, but I had a nightmare that kept me out of my room permanently. I would probably be hard pressed to go back in that room to this day (and not just because the building is the derelict house of an insane man).

What really kept me out of this room was a dream that still to this day makes all the hairs on my body stand on end. You remember the show Unsolved Mysteries?

Yes?

Good.

Imagine this entire story is narrated by Robert Stack, it will definitely enhance your experience.

In the dream I was watching an episode of the show, but instead of just watching it on television, I was fully present in that reality. Cut to a young girl wearing all white, standing in an open window with white drapes, everything in this scene is fuzzy and has an ethereal feel to it. She does not look alarmed in the slightest as she steps out of the open window and surely to her demise on the ground below. I saw piercing flashes of light as the narrator goes on to describe how the girl was saved by an object that is not of this world. The narrator cautions that the object is evil and it’s motives behind rescuing this child are unknown.

To describe it is confusing, it was almost like an anchor with a chain following it and cannonballs spaced out every couple of feet (very symmetrical), and instead of sinking this object flies through the sky in the same way that a snake might slither along the ground.

Briefly the image of the object is flashed on the screen as the narrator describes it’s evil nature, and how seeing it is a definite bad omen. It’s at this point that “I” (Dream self) am suddenly conscious of the fact that I’ve been watching a TV show, turn my head away from the TV and look out the window of my bedroom. There in the distance way up in the sky is this object, just slowing moving along in it’s own way.

Needless to say there was no fucking way I was going anywhere near that window for a very long time. Interestingly, this wasn’t even the first supernatural experience I had in that room, it was just the icing on the cake. Prior to that I had gone to bed and woken up in the middle of the night completely paralyzed with fear as a I heard the plodding footsteps of something approaching my bed. This object sat on my back and I could feel the springs creaking as the extra weight settled on top of me. I felt as though a demon was literally on top of me for no reason. I tried to scream but could let out nothing more than a little squeak.

So I moved to the “UFO” room (notice a theme with the windows here?). I can’t recall if this story was before or after the UFO experience but I had one more supernatural experience in this room. For those not keeping count we are at 2 and 2 for the bedrooms.

I was a weird child (surprise!) and I insisted on having a waterbed. So my mother and stepfather went on Uncle Henry’s and found me a used one. It was the middle of winter and we did not keep our house very warm. My mother and stepfather had gone out somewhere leaving me alone in the house. We lived in a building which sometimes had tenants, but at this point in time was completely empty. So I am completely alone in this giant, freezing house, and I decided that I would just try to go to bed. So I lay down in my giant, stupid, waterbed, but the heating element must have given out so the thing was absolutely filled with freezing cold water. I gave up on trying to fall asleep in an icy water tomb and moved to the floor, with my ear pressed into the hardwood. Beneath me in the empty apartment below I could hear a full scale dinner party. Muffled conversation, glassware tinking, doors opening and closing, the works.

When I did finally manage to fall asleep ignoring the insanity below me I fell into a very poor fitful sleep. I woke up randomly in the middle of the night with all the furniture in the room looming over me and taking on human attributes. When dawn finally broke, I was up and out of that room. I was pretty sure I couldn’t go back in that room either, but at this point I had run out of bedrooms.